Is Santa an Elf?

Summary

My Momma Told Me – "Is Santa an Elf?" (December 25, 2025)

Episode Overview

In this special holiday episode, hosts Langston Kerman and David Gborie dig into the wild, hilarious, and strangely profound world of Black Christmas conspiracy theories. They ask the central question: "Is Santa an elf?" but explore much more—delving into the cultural awkwardness of Kwanzaa vs. Christmas, the racial coding of Santa Claus, terrifying Santa legends, and listener voicemails that veer delightfully off-track. With their signature irreverence and sharp wit, Langston and David turn holiday traditions and myths inside out, inviting listeners to laugh and think a little deeper about what we pass down as seasonal "truths."

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Struggle of Kwanzaa vs. Christmas

• Langston opens with the idea that Kwanzaa is set up to fail because of its placement right after Christmas:

  "I think Kwanzaa could have worked if you repositioned its place in the calendar. You can't compete with Christmas. ...Put it in that little drought from, like, February to May." (03:17)

• Both hosts agree it’s nearly impossible for Kwanzaa to thrive coming immediately after America's most dominant holiday.
• David pokes fun at how Kwanzaa gets lost:

  "Even if I want to celebrate Kwanzaa, even if I'm not anti Kwanzaa...God damn. Are you making me ask a lot?" (03:43)

• The conversation touches upon how major holidays are baked into American culture, making alternatives feel irrelevant or "secondary."

2. The Question of Santa’s Morality and Racial Coding

• An email prompts Langston and David to examine a bizarre Black family legend: if you look at Santa, he'll spit chewing tobacco into your eyes, causing magical blindness. Both hosts are baffled:

  "I've never heard of Santa smoking cigarettes or chewing tobacco. ...I thought Santa was not addicted to nicotine products." (07:46, David)

• They theorize this version of Santa probably came from a rougher, more rural environment—injecting him with local "uncle energy"—and that the legend was likely meant to terrorize kids into behaving.
• Langston muses on how Santa is commonly non-punitive in his family's lore:

  "Santa also never felt like he wanted to give the coal. ...You forced him to do it." (09:52)

• The conversation expands into international Santas, the folklore of Krampus, and the problematic figure of Black Pete ("Zwarte Piet"):
  • "Well, Black Pete is his slave. ...That's not Santa, that's the slave boy he keeps with him." (11:46, David)
  • They reject the idea of needing a Black Santa for validation:

    "When you're too passionate about Santa's racial identity, you stop dealing with the fact that this motherfucker ain't real." (13:09, David)

  • Instead, they joke about making the Easter Bunny "as dark as you can," a comedic reversal.

3. "Is Santa an Elf?" – The Core Conspiracy

• A listener claims Santa is a cryptid—a "jolly plump elf" and possibly his people's king. The hosts break down the logic:
  • "I don't consider Santa to be an elf. I think that's a man who has met some elves and decided this is a good business opportunity." (14:48, David)
  • "He's got regular ears. ...And he doesn't have names like them." (15:05, Langston)
• They compare Santa’s elf-adjacent status to the “Gary Owen of elves”—he's not one, but associated.
• The conversation drifts into "Santa as myth," comparing him to gods (Odin, Zeus) and even Bigfoot as a frequently "sighted" but never proven figure.
• A stoned cousin puts forward that "Santa is the link between us and the future, the suit is his skin, not clothes" (17:43). The hosts are amused but doubt his ideas are healthy for an underdeveloped brain.
• David draws a line between parental and Santa credit:

  "I don't want you worshiping. ...My children are not gonna worship a white man in the sky. ...Daddy brings the bread." (20:09)

4. Wild Conspiracies from Listener Voicemails

Freddy Krueger as Santa Claus (24:12)

• A caller links Santa and Freddy Krueger (“he sees you when you’re sleeping...”) and develops an elaborate story about Santa’s mantle being passed like James Bond, Santa abusing elves, and Freddy being the "burned" former Santa.
• Both hosts are bewildered:

  "You got a lot going on, man. ...That was world-building in a very creative way." (26:44, 27:55)

• They gently wish the caller well, implying incarceration or at least a need for help, and humorously promise to pray for him.

Jack Frost: Christmas Movie or Horror? (29:23)

• Another caller, apparently drunk and driving to Wingstop, wonders aloud about the dual nature of the "Jack Frost" movies (the horror film vs. the Michael Keaton family film).

  "What do you want from us? You said, there’s a movie I’ve seen. There’s another movie I’ve also seen. And what’s up with that? ...I don’t know, man." (31:22, David)

• David and Langston use the opportunity to riff on Hollywood recycling failed properties, then move onto a tangent about the merits (or lack thereof) of Wingstop’s veggie sides.

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "Merry Christmas, you bitch." – Langston Kerman (02:56)
• "Christmas is unfadable. It just is. You just gotta move it." – Langston (06:00)
• "I don't want you worshiping. ...My children are not gonna worship a white man in the sky. ...Daddy brings the bread." – David (20:09)
• "Santa also never felt like he wanted to give the coal. ...You forced him to do it." – Langston (09:52)
• "This Santa is like, I will take your fucking eyeballs from you." – David (09:43)
• "When you're too passionate about Santa's racial identity, you stop dealing with the fact that this motherfucker ain't real." – David (13:09)
• "You gotta lot going on, man." – Langston (26:44)
• "You want some Wingstop. You're drunk. Or take a nap." – Langston (31:47)
• "I think Wingstop perfected the formula in a lab. ...There are not real chefs in those kitchens." – David (34:14)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:17] – Langston lays out his Kwanzaa placement theory.
• [07:06] – Listener email: Santa spitting chewing tobacco, magical blindness.
• [09:27] – How mean/violent is Santa? Actual family beliefs.
• [11:46] – Black Pete/International Santa folklore.
• [13:09] – On the racial politics of Santa and authenticity.
• [14:46] – Email: Is Santa an elf? Is he a cryptid?
• [17:43] – Stoned cousin’s theory: Santa is the future of humanity.
• [20:09] – Parental control over Santa credit ("Daddy brings the bread").
• [24:12] – World Building Voicemail: Santa/Freddy Krueger mega-theory.
• [29:23] – Drunk-dialed conspiracy about Jack Frost movies.
• [32:38] – Deeper dive into Jack Frost film timelines and Hollywood’s use of failed properties.
• [34:06] – Food tangent: why Wingstop’s sides are trash (but wings are good).
• [35:36] – Holiday sign-off and notes on addiction/help-seeking, promotion of future shows.

---

Final Thoughts

Langston and David keep things irreverent but thoughtful—never missing an opportunity to reframe cultural myths or bust up a tired Black conspiracy theory. The holiday episode is true to the show’s spirit: part barbershop, part family dinner, and part absurd improv. Whether parsing the relationship between Santa and elves, mocking scary regional Santas, or handling (very) strange voicemails, they make the holiday season both funnier and a little bit realer.

Perfect for fans of cultural satire, Black folklore, and the art of going off-topic in brilliant ways.

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Connect & Participate

• Send your own conspiracy theories to: [e-mail]
• Call in at: 844-LIM-MOMS
• Find David on Instagram: @Coolguyjokes87
• Find Langston everywhere: @LangstonKerman

Happy holidays, and remember: Daddy brings the bread.

Transcript

[Podcast Host]

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[David Bore]

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[Sophie Cunningham]

Pressure is coming down.

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[Langston Kearney]

The government growing babies microchips in your 80s. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Martians invented Dirty Stu. Y' all can't tell me nothing. Santa baby, just bring a present under the tree for me. A 98 convertible, light blue. I'm looking for a fly guy like you. Welcome little mamas and gentiles alike to another Padabu episode of Ba Ba Batomi.

[David Bore]

The podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories.

[Langston Kearney]

And we don't prove shit. Merry Christmas, you bitch.

[David Bore]

God damn it's Christmas and you a bitch still.

[Langston Kearney]

It's Christmas as hell and you still still a bitch. Should have asked for some no bitch.

[David Bore]

For Christmas, Santa Please get this bitch off of me.

[Langston Kearney]

Somebody said it. I have one. I have one that I've been thinking about.

[David Bore]

I'm excited.

[Langston Kearney]

I think Kwanzaa could have worked if you repositioned its place in the calendar. You can't compete with Christmas. You need to move somewhere. Like, you know that little holiday drought from, like, February to May?

[David Bore]

Yep.

[Langston Kearney]

Put it in there.

[David Bore]

I. I don't disagree with you. I think. I think it's going up against a really tough spot to be the day after Christmas.

[Langston Kearney]

What are we going to do, man?

[David Bore]

Like, I. I've hit the highest high, even if I want to celebrate Kwanzaa, even if I'm not anti Kwanzaa in this journey. God damn. Are you making me ask a lot?

[Langston Kearney]

You still feel Christmas because it's America.

[David Bore]

Yeah, I can't.

[Langston Kearney]

Not. You can't. I. I mean, I think you ask Jewish people. They. Unless they. I mean, I guess they live in pret. Communities a lot.

[David Bore]

Yeah. But they write fucking Christmas songs, and it's like, most of them are by Jewish people.

[Langston Kearney]

It's just like, I feel like in America, you feel a major holiday regardless of whether or not, like, all those people can be like, don't forget it's indigenous land. But you still felt Thanksgiving.

[David Bore]

Thanks. You felt that shit.

[Langston Kearney]

You didn't go to work today.

[David Bore]

It is an inescapable term, and I.

[Langston Kearney]

Think that Christmas is the same thing. So to put it the day after is not possible. But you put it in that little drought. You put it in that time period where we don't have any days off coming up and we don't have any behind us, and you say, go on and get your Kwanzaa.

[David Bore]

I think people flock, and I think it gives you a chance to take out the gift giving element of Kwanzaa, which isn't its best feature.

[Langston Kearney]

Right. Right.

[David Bore]

Like, nobody is like, oh, I got great gifts for Kwanzaa and shit.

[Langston Kearney]

Right.

[David Bore]

Right. I think it then. It allows us to create something independent of gift giving, where we can actually make something meaningful for a community.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. I think it was just. I just think. I think it'. I think it's a placement thing.

[David Bore]

It is a placement issue. And I do think some of this. I'm gonna be careful when I say this. Some of this is gonna require black people to decide we are better than what they're asking of you know what I mean? That, like, we are gonna have to give up the position we have in order to gain a better spot.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, yeah.

[David Bore]

Rather than sort of standing on our shit and Being like, nah, it's supposed to be.

[Langston Kearney]

No, it's the day after. It's like, nah, we gotta give it up, man. Recognize the tidal wave? That is Christmas.

[David Bore]

It already.

[Langston Kearney]

It's built in.

[David Bore]

We've been consumed.

[Langston Kearney]

It's baked into this thing.

[David Bore]

Even if the world falls apart, they're not turning to Kwanzaa next.

[Langston Kearney]

No, no. If the world falls apart, I think they fucking elevate Christmas.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

Then it's like, oh, this is the one thing we have from the old world. We celebrate Christmas.

[David Bore]

It's like the end of the Grinch.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, exactly like that.

[David Bore]

We don't even have a roast beast, but we still going. We gonna sit together and we're gonna bond because it's Christmas.

[Langston Kearney]

Christmas is unfadable. It just is. You just gotta move it.

[David Bore]

And we do say merry Christmas on this holiday.

[Langston Kearney]

We don't say Happy Holidays and not Merry Xmas. We keep that Christ in there.

[David Bore]

We keep that Christ in there. We love him too much.

[Langston Kearney]

We jam him in the middle.

[David Bore]

We got a lot of. We haven't done this in a while, but I think it's good that we do it. We got some emails from people.

[Langston Kearney]

Let's get to the emails.

[David Bore]

And this is our holiday episode.

[Langston Kearney]

I don't have anything. Even kind of press.

[David Bore]

Something Christmassy. Give the folks something with a good, warm, jolly spirit. Pop my butt. Pop, Pop my butt. Pop my butt. Pop. Pop my butt. Do you know what pop my butt meant to Harriet Tubman? Do you know what that meant? It meant a whip. Yep. And do you know what it meant to Mrs. Claus?

[Langston Kearney]

It meant something else. Oh, okay. We were going different.

[David Bore]

We went opposite direction.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

That's okay. They won't notice.

[Langston Kearney]

They won't know.

[David Bore]

Hi.

[Langston Kearney]

We're going to do an email, though.

[David Bore]

We got an email from someone who said, hello, Langston and David.

[Langston Kearney]

We don't.

[David Bore]

We don't have a name for this person. Maybe they say it in the body of the email. They say, I love the podcast. Three exclamation points. My mama told me that Santa Claus will spit his chewing tobacco directly into your eyes if he catches you looking at him on Christmas Eve. Santa's chewing tobacco will cause permanent, sudden, magical blindness.

[Langston Kearney]

All right, I don't think that's just Santa's chewing tobacco.

[David Bore]

I think you don't want that stuff in your eyes regardless.

[Langston Kearney]

No. Also, I think regionally, if you were somewhere where Santa had chewing tobacco anyways.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

You were coming from maybe a dearth.

[David Bore]

That's right.

[Langston Kearney]

You know what I'm saying?

[David Bore]

I Agree with you.

[Langston Kearney]

I've never heard of Santa smoking cigarettes or chewing tobacco.

[David Bore]

I thought Santa was not addicted to nicotine products. Yeah, that's unfortunate that he. But no, I don't believe that Santa is spitting in my eyes.

[Langston Kearney]

Cause you're at a place where they could easily convince you that Santa chews. They were like all the men, you know, chew tobacco.

[David Bore]

First of all, you know he chews tobacco.

[Langston Kearney]

Come on over here.

[David Bore]

It's a long ride. Santa needs to come on. What, is he gonna stop and smoke cigarettes? No, he has to get his fix.

[Langston Kearney]

And he just spits it out the sleigh.

[David Bore]

He spits it out. And if it does land on your head, that's good luck.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

But if it gets in your eyes.

[Langston Kearney]

You'Re gonna go chew blind.

[David Bore]

Magical chew blind. I was talking to my little brother about this. Since we have a big age gap between us and didn't believe in Santa at the same time, we somehow never discovered this until recently. Oh, it sounds like they both were told this despite being from different eras of Santa belief. I asked my mom about the origins, and she swears she didn't make it up. And when she was growing up, old black people would tell this to children. I doubt that I will share this with my kids. I would hope not. Not because I don't want to pass down the. Mostly the most jolly form of terror that I've ever experienced. But I fear the children of today don't know what chewing tobacco is. Anyway, please share your thoughts. Have you ever heard of this? Enjoy the holiday season.

[Langston Kearney]

I never heard of it, but noted several times on this. I was not a Santa. Like, I never. Yeah, I don't really. It does. The Lord doesn't run deep in my family. I. Yeah, I don't know what to. I never heard of this in my life.

[David Bore]

Santa, for me, was never punishing people.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I guess the lump of.

[David Bore]

Coal, that was, to me, more just like, hey, man, you know what you did?

[Langston Kearney]

Right? Right, Right.

[David Bore]

I'm just giving you what you earned.

[Langston Kearney]

You did this to you.

[David Bore]

Yeah. And we can reassess next year. I'm not, like, permanently mad at you. This Santa is like, I will take your fucking eyeballs from you.

[Langston Kearney]

You're right. Because, like, Santa also never felt like he wanted to give the call. No, it felt like it was like you forced him to do it.

[David Bore]

This one is imagining Santa as Steve Harvey at the Steve Harvey Show.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

It was like, if you look at me in the hallway, I'll fucking. I'll fucking kill You.

[Langston Kearney]

I feel like Santa also. I feel like this Santa also stemmed from one time there was a Santa with chewing tobacco. Like, I think this came from a real event. People saw what happened. Maybe they had the meanest uncle play Santa. I assume it was to work off some type of a card debt. And then he spit in the kid's eye. And they were like, you know, Santa will do that.

[David Bore]

You know, you weren't supposed to ask Mr. Isaac to do this.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

And now he is, and he's acting the way Mr. Isaac always acts. He chews tobacco and he spits on children.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we knew that.

[David Bore]

Yeah. You looked at him too long, and that's on you, baby. Now move out the way. The line is pretty packed, but I like the conspiracy. I think it's nice. I do think that children would probably behave better with a few knuckle sandwiches on the other end of it.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, I mean. Yeah, I get that. I don't think. I feel like kids aren't afraid of violence now in the home. Right.

[David Bore]

My children certainly aren't. I can't speak to other people's kids, but I'm threatening a lot. And then after a while, throwing out threats left and right, and they don't believe a word of it. Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

Cause after a while, I was like, that ain't gonna do hit.

[David Bore]

Go ahead then, man. Go to jail tonight.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, I like that, though. I like a meaner Santa. Who cares?

[David Bore]

Yeah. In other countries, Santa is a little meaner.

[Langston Kearney]

He seems like a lot more nefarious along with black Pete.

[David Bore]

Yeah, well, Black Pete is his slave. That isn't Santa. That's the slave boy he keeps with him.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, I thought that was his. I thought it was his friend. No, I thought it was like, Mr. Isaac.

[David Bore]

Unfortunately, no. This is a slave. And he might be cool like Mr. Isaac, but he is not probably mean like Mr. Isaac. He's also mean like Mr. Isaac.

[Langston Kearney]

He'S in bondage, which we understand.

[David Bore]

Yeah. But there are, like, versions of Santa Claus in, like, Germany and shit where, like, he is a demon of sorts.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, Krampus.

[David Bore]

Krampus is sort of like the punish punishing Santa.

[Langston Kearney]

Right.

[David Bore]

Versus, like, the other spirits that are a little more like gift giving and jolly and shit.

[Langston Kearney]

I think I'd rather actually stay. When I think about Krampus, I'm like, nah, keep it. It's the end of the year. We're just trying to go out nice.

[David Bore]

I don't need a demon.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, Santa's nice.

[David Bore]

I like Santa being nice. I like A Coca Cola version of Santa.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah. Jolly white man red cheeks.

[David Bore]

Come on. You don't gotta be black for me.

[Langston Kearney]

I don't need that.

[David Bore]

And I know that that may sound like some cool shit. I really don't need it.

[Langston Kearney]

I'm just. I'm just really trying to think about it in a real way because we did just get some black Santa Claus wrapping paper, and I love it.

[David Bore]

No, I'm cool with. With a black Santa, but I don't feel that deep need where it's like, my children are only going to know a black Santa.

[Langston Kearney]

I don't think that's where we need to fight that battle.

[Sophie Cunningham]

No.

[Langston Kearney]

Because some. There are still white people. We can have beloved white people.

[David Bore]

Here's my problem, is that when you make Santa, when you're too passionate about Santa's racial identity, you stop dealing with the fact that this motherfucker ain't real.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

And at the end of the day.

[Langston Kearney]

That'S a good point.

[David Bore]

My kids are going to eventually come to understand that this isn't real. And therefore anything can be whatever you want it to be.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, that's fair.

[David Bore]

I don't need you to, like, be under some weird restriction where it's like, no Santa, black Santa, Santa white. That's all gonna make you messy and weird. I don't need that.

[Langston Kearney]

I still am pro black Easter Bunny, though.

[David Bore]

I love a black Easter Bunny. As previously make the Easter Bunny as dark as you can.

[Langston Kearney]

As Jaime and Honsou.

[David Bore]

Jaime Hounsou starring this year in the Easter Bunny.

[Langston Kearney]

But, yeah, I like that. I think that's a funny conspiracy. I've never heard it. It sounds like you're from a harsh place, and it sounds like you've outgrown it.

[David Bore]

Good for you.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. God bless.

[David Bore]

Don't chew tobacco. And don't tell your children that that could happen to them.

[Langston Kearney]

Don't chew fine tobacco. The leaf stuff is safe.

[David Bore]

The next email says, hey, conspiracy nerds. I don't like that. Long time. First time. My baby cousin told me some shit yesterday during our evening smoke session that really fucked me up. She said, Santa is a cryptid. Here's her proof. Santa is a jolly plump elf. Have you ever heard of a fat elf? He's got to be their king. Okay, this already puts me in a challenging position.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, your posture's turned serious.

[David Bore]

I don't consider Santa to be an elf.

[Langston Kearney]

I didn't think so either.

[David Bore]

I think that's a man who has met some elves and decided this is a good business opportunity.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, it's like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, you know what I mean? I never thought he was a big. I never thought he was a big elf.

[David Bore]

No, I think he's a. I think.

[Langston Kearney]

He'S got regular ears.

[David Bore]

That's a full grown dude.

[Langston Kearney]

And he doesn't have like names like them.

[David Bore]

Yeah, Santa.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. He's not like Mollywop or whatever.

[David Bore]

Gum belly.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very emasculating names on these elves.

[David Bore]

Yeah, you got. And elves. You got to think about that.

[Langston Kearney]

But now I can imagine smoking with my baby cousin. I get lost in it a little bit.

[David Bore]

And you start, you stop thinking because he does entirely hang out with elves. Nobody has a familial history with him.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, he's almost like the Gary Owen of elves.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Where you're like, hey, man, he's not black, but he has spent a lot of time with us.

[Langston Kearney]

Is Mrs. Claus an elf?

[David Bore]

I do not believe Mrs. Claus is an elf. I think if she is an elf, Santa's a fuckboy. I think Santa's a piece of shit.

[Langston Kearney]

I kind of like his scummy Santa though.

[David Bore]

If he moved into this community and just started stealing their way, that's nuts. You know what I mean?

[Langston Kearney]

Carry on.

[David Bore]

Had a black wife. Cheated on her with another black lady.

[Langston Kearney]

All I'm saying is Santa could be beloved by the elves and not be one is how I feel.

[David Bore]

Sure.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Bore]

Damn.

[Langston Kearney]

I think he just fucks with them.

[David Bore]

Okay, here's their other proof. He's like a cross between Dionysus, rosy cheeks and a bowl full of jelly. And the all father, Snow. White hair, twinkling eyes.

[Langston Kearney]

Odin.

[David Bore]

I guess so. Or Zeus, I think whatever you consider to be, you know, the image of God. God that is Jesus, Daddy, in your mind, you know what I mean? That whole thing. And like Bigfoot, Santa is frequently sighted but never caught. Are people seeing Santa?

[Langston Kearney]

No, I don't know anybody. That's just a lie you tell children. Yeah, he's upstairs.

[David Bore]

Nope.

[Langston Kearney]

I think I saw him in the sky. Go to sleep.

[David Bore]

Yeah, last year we put.

[Langston Kearney]

And I only know that from commercials I've seen.

[David Bore]

We put fucking baby powder on some of my boots and then we made prints. That's so exciting to be like, whoa, Santa was here.

[Langston Kearney]

Did she go crazy?

[David Bore]

Those idiots believed every word I said. Fucking dumb dumbs. I did it. I made the prince. I made it full circle. I made it go over by the cookies and then I made it walk out. It's all a lie.

[Langston Kearney]

That's so sweet though, what you're saying.

[David Bore]

They're so dumb.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

They fall for anything.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, okay. I'm here. Trying to. Yeah, okay. They're your kids. All right?

[David Bore]

Now, I did remember her, or I did remind her that a cryptid is part animal, like a missing link, y'. All. She thinks Bigfoot is like, the missing link between us and the apes. Santa is like, the link, is the link between us and the future. Whoa. The suit is his skin, not clothes. We're all getting bigger. We're living longer. He's showing us the future. I don't know what y' all think, Amari.

[Langston Kearney]

I think maybe one blunt evening session with the baby cousin split the brain. Her brain's still developing.

[David Bore]

Yep. Split that blunt.

[Sophie Cunningham]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Split it out on both knee one.

[Langston Kearney]

Maybe put some grabba in there or some shit. I don't know where you are regionally.

[David Bore]

No, I think now's the time to invest in your cousin on a more personal level.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, man. You guys can just talk.

[David Bore]

You don't have to make up sort of whimsy to be able to connect with you.

[Langston Kearney]

You guys don't gotta get zooted anymore, bro.

[David Bore]

Ask her what her dream is.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Like, really get to know who she is. And maybe you won't get trapped in these weird, cryptic conversations.

[Langston Kearney]

But that is fun. I think it's fun. The idea that it's a skin and maybe it's some kind of a crazy hair growth.

[David Bore]

And then, like, I do like this idea of him being of the future.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, that's exciting.

[David Bore]

That's. That's very exciting in a way that that actually makes it more reasonable because him just being this weird, like, non deity is. And. But still eternal feels.

[Langston Kearney]

That is weird. What's he been doing here this whole time?

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

And how did a man ascend to that?

[David Bore]

Yeah, but a dude just coming from the future, like, you know, fucking cable. Sounds cool.

[Langston Kearney]

He's like, where is Sarah Connor? Yeah, I like that. All right.

[David Bore]

He's like, no, I think I could just make the world better. I can't kill anybody, but I will, like, drop off presents on assholes porches and shit.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, he dropped some off on the porch.

[David Bore]

That. That.

[Langston Kearney]

Is that how you guys do it at your house?

[David Bore]

That was a mistake.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, okay.

[David Bore]

Okay. I don't believe Santa to just be delivering them like FedEx.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. When you do it, are you like, oh, look at this. Santa brought this.

[David Bore]

Yeah, Santa don't bring everything.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, you gotta bring. You bring some.

[David Bore]

I bring most of it.

[Langston Kearney]

Okay. That's.

[David Bore]

And I make that clear. And then one time, Santa does something nice for you.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Okay. I don't want you worshiping. Now that I do feel passionate about. My children are not gonna worship a white man in the sky.

[Langston Kearney]

I got that.

[David Bore]

Regardless of his contributions to us, you don't get to do all of it.

[Langston Kearney]

Santa gives you the B gifts.

[David Bore]

Santa gifts you something.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, but it's not. You're not. Man cannot subsist on Santa alone.

[David Bore]

Come on. No.

[Langston Kearney]

Daddy brings the bread.

[David Bore]

Daddy brings the bread.

[Langston Kearney]

All right.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

And the fish.

[David Bore]

We need to take a break. We're going to be back, and then we're going to do a voicemail together.

[Langston Kearney]

Let's do it.

[David Bore]

All right. More. David, more. Langston, More. My mama told me.

[Commercial Announcer]

Did you know Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10 Upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop? Voted PCMag's Reader's Choice Top Laptop Brand for 2025. 5 Thin and ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere. And Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit LGUSA.com iHeart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram laptops with Windows 11. PCMag reader's choice used with permission. All rights reserved.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[David Bore]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Someone will be eliminated.

[Sophie Cunningham]

Pressure is coming down.

[Commercial Announcer]

Trainer games on Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainergames.com Season 2.

[Podcast Host]

Of Unrivaled Basketball is here, and the talent is unreal. Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey, Jesse Plum, Brianna Stewart and more are back to redefine the game. Unrivaled basketball season two, sponsored by Samsung Galaxy, tips off January 5th on TNT, TruTV and HBO Max.

[Valpak Advertiser]

Your ticket to big Savings is that big blue envelope in your mailbox.

[David Bore]

Valpak.

[Valpak Advertiser]

It's brimming with deals from big name brands and your favorite local spots, dining services, stuff you're already buying. All for less and you could see score $100 or other instant prizes just for opening it. Or save even faster with mobile coupons you can use right [e-mail] Valpak there's definitely something in it for you.

[David Bore]

People who were in slavery wish that.

[Langston Kearney]

They had curbside service at Applebee's. And I wish I had curbside service at the North Pole. Welcome back. My mama told me I don't even know what I Meant by that. I'm going to pick up.

[David Bore]

You're going to pick up the gifts?

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, I'm going to pick up the gifts. Which maybe it saves money, like when you do it at Uber Eats. I guess I'm gonna go get the. I'm gonna go grab these wings.

[David Bore]

My relationship with Santa hasn't been an expensive one up to this point.

[Langston Kearney]

Okay.

[David Bore]

I think the gifts are free in theory. As long as you believe in shit.

[Langston Kearney]

It's a nasty conspiracy.

[David Bore]

It is a nasty conspiracy.

[Langston Kearney]

They want you to.

[David Bore]

White man from the sky will treat you if you just act the way he wants you to.

[Langston Kearney]

And he doesn't have to do anything else. All he has to do, he only he show. It's a deadbeat dad.

[David Bore]

We're never getting any of the bad news about Santa. No, no. The way he speaks to those elves.

[Langston Kearney]

The way he speaks to Mrs. Claus, bro.

[David Bore]

That big ass elf lady. Big ass elf bitch. That's what he calls her.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, he says, I took you out the caves, bitch. Bitch? Do elves live in caves?

[David Bore]

I can have your ass sleeping with needle thumb right now.

[Langston Kearney]

In a two bedroom with tiddlywinks and marshmallow.

[David Bore]

You wanna live with marshmallow?

[Langston Kearney]

You know, he pees the bed and.

[David Bore]

Yes, it comes out rainbow.

[Langston Kearney]

Stupid bitch. Give me my eggnog. We have a voicemail.

[David Bore]

Yeah, we have a very fun voicemail. Let's play it now.

[Langston Kearney]

Let's do it.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

I didn't call this line to get freaky. All right, look, I got something to say. I'm gonna say it right now, okay? First off, he sees you when you sleep and he knows when you're awake. He knows who's in that or good. But it's here for goodness. You know who else does that besides Santa Claus? Freddy? Cougar. Okay, Now I'm gonna show you how these two are connected. All right, first off, Santa Claus is a mantle passed down like 007. You hear me? It's Taz there, like 007.

[David Bore]

You know, one of them.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

They change like the Pope every now and then. You hear me? Now where are the similarities? I'm gonna break it down for you, okay?

[David Bore]

And take your time.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

Pretty much Freddie was one of the Santa Clauses from back in the day, way back in the yonder years. That's why he always has a Christmas sweater. That's why he has those clothes reminded that he used to be a Santa Claus. Okay, but this tent had a problem, okay? See, he like little kids, period. Sitting in his lap. You get all happy and giggling and right. The black girls didn't like that. Not the White House. They got to keep their mouth shut so they can keep getting their benefits or whatever. Not the black girl. They didn't give a. So they got with Ms. Claus, right? Ms. Claus was like, oh, this gotta go. So what they did, they teamed up and they baked his ass in a big ass furnace, right? I don't know how they tricked him in there. Probably some milk cookies in there. Like, go ahead. I'm pretty sure they drugged him and they threw his ass in there, right? Burnt them all up. So how does he get revenge? See, he upgraded. Instead of little kids, he's going after teenagers now. Because little kids. That was little kids when he was there. They. They were teenagers now. Now they all grown up. So now he has to get it all, their descendants, through their dreams.

[Voicemail Caller 2]

And.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

Okay. He sees you when you sleep in. He knows when you're awake. Because he haunts people's dreams, bitch. That's why. All right, well, that's my theory. Freddie and Santa, same person, go crazy, bro. Wildly. How I feel bad, bitch.

[David Bore]

Brother. You take care. I think I wish you the best.

[Langston Kearney]

You have some underlying issues. There were some themes that were difficult there.

[David Bore]

We don't have nothing to talk about with you. We wish you the best. You. You are in a way that we can't help, man.

[Langston Kearney]

You got a lot going on.

[Sophie Cunningham]

I don't know.

[Langston Kearney]

So safe.

[David Bore]

You got a lot going on, man.

[Langston Kearney]

That's okay.

[David Bore]

It's all right. Hey, hey, hey.

[Langston Kearney]

Come on, girl. Hey.

[David Bore]

Merry Christmas to you and a happy New Year. I pray to God your Santa is not Freddy Krueger this year. Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

And I hope they let you out soon. Whatever. They got you in.

[David Bore]

Listen, listen. We weren't rushing you off the phone. No, you weren't rushing either. It feels as if you had some time on your hands. I'm not saying. David's not saying that's incarceration, but certainly maybe this was an allotted break.

[Langston Kearney]

All I'm saying is free you till we say it backwards.

[David Bore]

I was interested at first.

[Langston Kearney]

Then I got scared.

[David Bore]

Yeah, it was really like, he was okay. Like, all right. Freddy Krueger and Santa Claus do have, like, these deep similarities. The weird sort of Christmasy sweater energy does feel like it's symbolic of something. Like, I could find myself in parts of this. And then it became this very imagined story.

[Langston Kearney]

He was world building, bro.

[David Bore]

It felt like Dungeons and Dragons.

[Langston Kearney]

He was world building in a very creative way.

[David Bore]

He told us that there was a racial divide amongst the elves.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

He told us that there were ELF.

[Langston Kearney]

Benefits that I think the blacks weren't allowed access to.

[David Bore]

Yeah. But also, the blacks stood on something. They had principles in the North Pole.

[Langston Kearney]

There was also a whole family of clauses.

[David Bore]

Yep. There is a. Almost like a mafia type, which is organization. That's clause.

[Langston Kearney]

That's fun. And it's like the Gambinos.

[David Bore]

It's like the Gambinos, but they also, like, are killing each other still. Like Santa Claus would kill someone because.

[Langston Kearney]

They'Re still clauses and they. But he wanted to be the don.

[David Bore]

Maybe. Yep. Yes.

[Langston Kearney]

Don Kruger.

[David Bore]

Don. Don. Don Noel instead of Yo. Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

That's a good team right here. Creative team.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

Maybe we would just listen to another voicemail.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, brother. And you are. You made the prayer list. You made the list. Congratulations to you. That don't happen a lot, but a lot of people call. I don't pray for them. I'm gonna pray for you.

[Langston Kearney]

That's true, man. I'm gonna light a candle. I'm gonna light a candle tonight.

[David Bore]

All right, we can do one more. We're listening to one more voicemail, and then we're gonna get the fuck out of here. Let's do. You know, you said they're crazy, so let's try. Is Jack Frost a horror movie?

[Voicemail Caller 2]

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm doing this. Okay, so I can't say who I am at all or anything, because I think my voice is identifiable enough. Oh, my God.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

Words.

[David Bore]

That's my colleague.

[Voicemail Caller 2]

Anyway, I'm, like, literally driving. Go get some Wingstop. Dang. I was gonna say something else, but just because I said I was driving, I won't say that, but I'm calling in the way that y' all said don't call. But. But people tend to call that way anyway. Oh, my God. Anyway, pause. I'm driving to get some Wingstop.

[Langston Kearney]

Pause, please. And do not drink and drive. Right.

[David Bore]

I think that is what. Oh, no, that's 100%. What this person is admitting to is. Oh, man, they're drunk and calling and driving. And that's a lot on a person and a lot on the road.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, boy.

[David Bore]

We don't encourage that here on the podcast. We never will.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[David Bore]

Please, please put down that pint before you hit that.

[Langston Kearney]

Or maybe we misread it.

[David Bore]

I don't think we did, but you can press play.

[Voicemail Caller 2]

I'm driving to get some Wingstop. And I was listening to the latest upload, and David's commercial was Like, Lynx is not here. If you want to leave some holiday conspiracies do that. And I couldn't think of any, but then I was like, okay, so I have this one. So do y' all remember the movie Jack Frost?

[David Bore]

Yes.

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay.

[Voicemail Caller 2]

Isn't that a Christmas movie with, like, I'm thinking of the wrong white man. It's not Kevin Costner, but that's the name. Anyway, there's also a horror movie called Jack Frost. What's up with that? Because now I only think of the horror movie, but somehow I think of that one wholesome movie with that one white man who's not Kevin Costner. Anyway, I hope it makes the episode. I hope y' all talk about this. I love y'. All.

[Voicemail Caller 1]

Yeah, bye.

[David Bore]

What do you want from us? You know what I mean? Like, what are you asking us to do here? You called us, you said, there's a.

[Langston Kearney]

Movie that I've seen, there's another movie.

[David Bore]

And then there's another movie that I've seen. And what's up with that? I don't know, man.

[Langston Kearney]

I don't got it for you.

[David Bore]

What do you want? You called.

[Langston Kearney]

I think you want some winks up. You're drunk. Or take a nap.

[David Bore]

You're driving. Focus. It's not good to drunk drive. It's bad to drink and drive. But if you're gonna do it, you gotta focus.

[Langston Kearney]

And you can't call a podcast.

[David Bore]

You gotta leave us out of this.

[Langston Kearney]

And if you're calling a podcast, you can'.

[David Bore]

No, come on, man. You know we not gonna handle this. Good.

[Langston Kearney]

That's. Oh, man.

[David Bore]

Jack Frost.

[Langston Kearney]

What are you. What? Will you do a research?

[David Bore]

Yeah. Jack Frost was both a horror movie. There is a 1997 horror comedy called Jack Frost. And then similarly, there is a Jack Frost with Michael Keaton that comes out the following year. That is not a horror comedy. It is a family comedy about Michael Keaton getting turned into a snowman.

[Langston Kearney]

Snowman. Yeah. And he snowboards.

[David Bore]

Now, here's what I'll say, and I'm willing to explore a conspiracy that you did not introduce to us. This didn't come from you, brother. You didn't offer us any context for what to do with this conversation. But what I will say, it does get interesting to me. When a property fails and then they try to sort of, like, redefine it or save it on the back end.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. Cause you wonder, was one of those. Was the second movie going to be called Jack Frost? Because you know how far in advanced production is. Yeah, like, maybe. Because that Other one failed. They were like, go on, call this new one, Jack Frost. Which movie did better? The Michael Keaton one came out later. So that was. I assume the one they were thinking was gonna be good.

[David Bore]

That's the. I would assume the bigger hit.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Although it has 19% on rotten tomato, it was a more like commercially successful. Commercially successful film versus the other Jack Frost. And I do think, like, if I'm the producers of that film, I watch Jack Frost the horror movie fail, and I go, fuck it.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fine.

[David Bore]

We'll be all right.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. Nobody even knows it happened.

[David Bore]

We can weather this storm.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

And whatever the associations might be, so be it.

[Langston Kearney]

And also, do not drink and drive.

[David Bore]

Do not drink and drive.

[Langston Kearney]

And call.

[David Bore]

Call us. We'd love hearing from you.

[Langston Kearney]

Wingstop delivers. Now. It says so on the bag.

[David Bore]

And it tastes the same. You know what I mean? They didn't work that hard on it in the first place.

[Langston Kearney]

Well, I'm not. Wingstop's pretty good.

[David Bore]

All right, man.

[Langston Kearney]

You ain't Wingstop.

[David Bore]

I think I love Wingstop.

[Langston Kearney]

Okay.

[David Bore]

I'm a big fan of Wingstop, but I am not going to pretend for a second that there are real chefs in those kitchens.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay.

[David Bore]

I think Wingstop perfected the formula in a lab.

[Langston Kearney]

Anybody could do.

[David Bore]

Anybody could get us the Wingstop. It just happens that there are some teenagers I have to ask politely for a boneless.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. Can you turn the ice machine on?

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kearney]

I just. I know it's not, you know.

[David Bore]

Hey, man, I did say blue cheese. This is ranch. Could we.

[Langston Kearney]

Could we. And you guys taxed for it, so you need to fix it.

[David Bore]

Come on, man. You charge me.

[Langston Kearney]

They are charging too much for ranch.

[David Bore]

Yeah. And I don't. I'm going to say this. I don't want carrots from Wingstop.

[Langston Kearney]

Oh, the carrots. Always some sit weird in my stomach.

[David Bore]

That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't need y' all to pretend that you do Wings traditional with vegetables.

[Langston Kearney]

Give me that corn. Give me those weird textured fries.

[David Bore]

Just give me the wings.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Everything else.

[Langston Kearney]

You don't eat the little corns.

[David Bore]

I'm saying, like, everything else that's on the menu, but I don't need the accoutrement that Wingstop provides because it is not good produce.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah. It's not high quality.

[David Bore]

You're not investing in good products. So you can keep the carrots and the celery. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna dip my wings in my french fries and be all right.

[Langston Kearney]

Merry Christmas.

[David Bore]

Merry Christmas. I hope this warmed everyone's hearts.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Us talking down to two people who called weird.

[Langston Kearney]

Yeah yeah, yeah. And I think if you're struggling for addiction at this time of year, we'll.

[David Bore]

Check on you in the new year. I'm gonna be with my family but you tell the people where they can find you.

[Langston Kearney]

Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. That's really it right now.

[David Bore]

Follow me at Lance and Kerman on all social media platforms. That Aspiring Deadbeat Tour continues in 2026. We're gonna have lots of new dates for you to check out and more importantly send us your drops. Your own conspiracy theories. Tell us something that actually makes sense [e-mail] and of course give us a call at 844-LIM moms. We will talk down to you and buy the merch. Buy a nice present for someone. Bye bitch. Through the blessings of God, My Mama Told Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and iHeart.

[Langston Kearney]

Podcast, created and hosted by Langston Kearney.

[David Bore]

Co hosted by David Bore executive produced.

[Langston Kearney]

By Will Ferrell, Hansani and Joel Monique.

[David Bore]

Co produced by Bay Wayne Edited and.

[Langston Kearney]

Engineered by Justin Kah Music by Nick Chambers Artwork by Dogon Krieger.

[David Bore]

You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow Y Mama Told Me and subscribe to our channel.

[Commercial Announcer]

Did you know Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10? Upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop voted PCMag's Reader's Choice Top Laptop Brand for 2025. Thin and ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere and Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit LGUSA.com iHeart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram laptops with Windows 11. PCMag reader's choice used with permission. All rights reserved.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[David Bore]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Someone will be eliminated.

[Sophie Cunningham]

Pressure is coming down.

[Commercial Announcer]

Trainer Games On Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainer games.com Season.

[Podcast Host]

Two of unrivaled basketball is here and the talent is unreal. Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey Plum, Brianna Stewart and more are back to redefine the game. Unrivaled basketball season two sponsored by season Samsung Galaxy tips off January 5th on TNT, TruTV and HBO.

[Sophie Cunningham]

Max this is Sophie Cunningham from Show Me Something. Do you know the symptoms of moderate to severe obstructive sleep apnea, or osa, in adults with obesity? They may be happening to you without you knowing. If anyone has ever said you snored loudly, or if you spend your days fighting off excessive tiredness, irritability and concentration issues, it may be due to osa. OSA is a serious condition where your airway partially or completely collapses during sleep, which may cause breathing interruptions and oxygen deprivation. Learn more at don'tsleep on OSA.com this information is provided by Lilly, a medicine company.

[David Bore]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Podcast Host]

Guaranteed Human.