Mattress Firms Are Drug Fronts (with Langston Kerman and David Gborie)

Summary

My Momma Told Me – “Mattress Firms Are Drug Fronts”

Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Date: April 16, 2026
Location: Dude IDK Studios, Denver, Colorado
Main Theme: Investigating the popular conspiracy theory that Mattress Firm (and mattress stores more broadly) are actually drug fronts or money laundering schemes, plus a fresh, funny dive into Black conspiracy culture, performance, and banter.

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Episode Overview

This episode of My Momma Told Me features co-hosts Langston Kerman and David Gborie riffing from Denver on the perennial internet theory that Mattress Firms are fronts for illegal activities. The conversation weaves through comedic references to Black pop culture, action movies, the economics of buying mattresses, and the uniquely American suspicion about businesses that seem to defy logic.

They respond to a listener email about the proliferation of mattress stores and the plausibility of these businesses being used for money laundering or as drug fronts, exploring the “why are there so many?” question—infused with their signature humor, self-deprecation, and tangents on everything from secret handshakes to the art of disguise.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Venue Vibes & Tour Cancellations

[24:03]

• The episode opens with Langston and David lamenting the Denver show’s cancellation due to low ticket sales.
  • Langston: “Sorry y’ all didn’t buy tickets. That’s not on us. Listen, we begged you.” [24:26]
  • The hosts reassure long-time fans that most of their tour has gone well, but certain cities (including their own!) didn’t show up as expected.
  • David: “Turns out I don’t have any fucking friends.” [25:37]
• Transparency around touring as comedians—there’s no bougie attitude; sometimes you just don’t sell out.

2. Conspiracy Cold Open: Mattress Firm as Drug Front

[27:01]

• Listener Bri emails about a Hinge date who swears Mattress Firms are drug fronts, highlighting their odd distribution, lack of apparent sales, and link to money laundering rumors.
  • Bri (email excerpt): “You are unable to buy a mattress from the store even though they seem to have 100+ in stock… they’re always located in clusters.”
• David and Langston delight in investigating, both relating personal stories of buying mattresses and how nobody seems to actually buy them often enough for these stores to survive.

The Core Conspiracy Elements:

• Proliferation of stores: Multiple locations within the same area, even in low-traffic zones.
• Dead stock: There’s always inventory, but rarely evidence of sales.
• High prices: Mattresses are expensive—maybe a sign of inflated/invented transactions?
• Corporate legal trouble: Executives at some chains have faced lawsuits (according to Reddit rumors).

Memorable Quote:

• Langston: “My only question is why is it that they’re never investigated? Because if it’s that obvious to all of us, it’s obviously obvious to everyone else, certainly the powers that be.” [58:20]

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3. Is It Plausible? Money Laundering & the Limits of Logic

[58:18]

• The hosts break down the likelihood of these mattress stores being actual money laundering fronts, digressing into comparisons with laundromats and car washes as “classic” fronts.
  • Langston: “I think we’re thinking too small for a drug front or money laundering. This goes all the way to the top… this is how the government washes their money.”
  • David: “You might’ve just blown this thing wide open.” [61:19]
• Government angle: Langston speculates—jokingly or not—that widespread mattress stores might be used for government-level money laundering.

Memorable Quote:

• David: “You know what you never see? A mattress going out of business sale.” [61:56]
• Langston: “Ever come get these Sertas for the low?” [62:06]

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4. Personal Anecdotes & Real-Life Encounters

• Both discuss their first mattresses, buying habits, and how rare it is for anyone of their social circle to buy a new one.
  • David: “I saw a picture of me in a crib, and it looked like a man behind bars…” [54:41]
  • Langston: “I craigslist’d a mattress from a different person who was giving away for 50 bucks, and I kept it for another five years.” [56:46]
• They touch upon the oddness of mattress stores in every city, always still open, always empty, surviving where other businesses have failed.
  • Langston: “There’s a mattress store on the corner of La Brea and Third that I’ve seen exist while every other business in that area has lost it.” [61:27]

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5. Diversions, Disguises & Detective Dreams

[01:51–41:03]

• Up top, a long and hilarious detour into:
  • Secret handshakes—why it’s awkward to meet rappers or invent “family” handshakes
  • The myth of the private eye (“I think private detectives have maybe been mythologized a little more…” [34:40])
  • The “art of disguise” and how surveillance/the digital era might have killed it
  • Michael Jackson’s legendary (if not effective) disguises [38:04].
  • Langston: “They are not good disguises, but they are substantial disguises.” [38:30]
• These bits cemented the episode’s vibe—irreverent, self-aware, full of bits-within-bits.

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6. Appreciation for Preaching as Black Performance Art

[44:24–51:48]

• After a break, the hosts riff on viral sermons by preachers like TD Jakes, weaving in observations on performance, writing, and the artistry of church sermons.
  • David: “I don’t write 15 new minutes every week… that’s impressive.”
  • Langston: “Please stop stealing from my grandma. But it’s so cool.” [49:48]

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7. Wrap-up & Listener Call to Action

[63:49]

• Where to follow, what specials to catch, and how to submit conspiracy theories via email or voicemail.
• A warm note to Bri for the (possibly dangerous!) email and thanks to listeners for contributing material.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Langston: “I think what makes it a little sad is I’m not sure that they still do it because that’s their passion or as much as, like, once you become that famous, everybody’s always watching, and it becomes like every interaction is a performance…” [15:21]
• David (on meeting rappers): “Luckily, the one rapper I met, he was wasted—Freddie Gibbs. I’m pretty sure he thought I was Teddy Ray.” [08:42]
• Langston: “We believe this goes all the way to the top. We believe that every president, right or left wing leaning, is involved and nobody is exempt because the mattresses, they keep on selling, baby.” [62:55]
• David: “You know what you never see? A mattress going out of business sale.” [61:56]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Topic | |----------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 24:03 | Denver show cancellation & touring transparency | | 27:01 | Listener email: Mattress Firm as a drug front/money launderer | | 44:24 | Preaching as performance: TD Jakes, "Be Like Bacon" sermons | | 58:18 | Breaking down the mattress-money laundering conspiracy | | 61:19 | “Blows wide open”: government-level laundering speculation | | 63:49 | Outro, plugs, and listener call to action |

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Tone, Flow, and Standout Elements

• Language: Conversational, irreverent, gleefully tangential, equal parts self-deprecating and playfully conspiratorial.
• Flow: The episode drifts seamlessly between the central conspiracy and lively digressions—handshakes, preacher performances, and Black celebrity anecdotes—before circling back to the main theory with fresh comedic takes.
• Memorable Moments: Relatable stories of frugal mattress-buying, the description of empty retail "fronts," and skepticism about the secret world of private eyes and disguises. Plus, heartfelt appreciation for the creativity of Black preaching.
• Listener Engagement: Strong—encourages emails, voicemails, and even pitches for "fixers" to get in touch for future heists or mysteries.

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Final Takeaway

My Momma Told Me delivers a trademark blend of curiosity and comedy, exploring why the “Mattress Firm is a drug front” theory won’t die—and suggesting, with tongue in cheek, that the truth might be even bigger. The episode is as much about how Black conspiracy culture processes institutional weirdness as it is about mattresses. If you like improv-style tangents, street-level skepticism, and insightful laughs about American paranoia, this is a must-listen.

👁️‍🗨️ “We believe this goes all the way to the top… the mattresses, they keep on selling, baby.” [62:55 – Langston Kerman]

Transcript

[David Borie]

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[David Borie]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[David Borie]

A legacy is a beautiful thing, but

[Langston Kerman]

only if it's survives.

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[David Borie]

Also private Detect. Do you think people still use disguises?

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, you think the private detectives are using disguises?

[David Borie]

I think, yeah. I hope that the way that you asked that really took the wind out of my sails.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I don't think private detectives are like masters of disguise. I think they're like people in shitty leather jackets who, like, just sit really far away from the person.

[David Borie]

Yeah, shitty leather jackets is if my private detective goes to Wilson.

[Langston Kerman]

I think these are real Burlington Coat Factory jackets. No irregular arms, you know what I mean?

[David Borie]

He got some. He's got a London fog.

[Langston Kerman]

I think this is just a dude, you know what I mean? I don't think there's anything elevated about this experience at all.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

The government growing babies, microchips in your anus.

[David Borie]

All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Marshall's invented turkey stuff. Y' all can't tell me nothing. I'm getting a little tired of your broken promises. Promises Promises. Welcome, little mamas and gentiles alike, to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me.

[Langston Kerman]

The podcast where we. We dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories, and we finally

[David Borie]

work to prove that the shell casings found at the site of the grisly murder of the United Healthcare CEO said defend, deny, depose. And there was a fourth shell casing not reported to the media that said devontae Swing. That's right, y'.

[Langston Kerman]

All.

[David Borie]

This is a Jodeci hit. My name is David Bore.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm Langston Kerman. I love it. I showed us the hit. They're back, baby.

[David Borie]

Hey. They never left.

[Langston Kerman]

They're back. And they're doing things a little different this time.

[David Borie]

Yeah, this time it's personal.

[Langston Kerman]

This time you killed devontae's dog, and he's seeking justice. I like it, man.

[David Borie]

Man, I would love a John Wick franchise based on somebody wronging devontae.

[Langston Kerman]

Dude, there's so much room. I. It frustrates me often when I think about, like, what black media is, and there's so much room for us to really just let some of our greatest heroes shine in ways that we didn't. Wouldn't expect them to shine, truly. Why isn't devonte out here with, like, silencers on his gun shooting down bad guys and fucking Lucy Liu or whatever it is that. That happens in those movies?

[David Borie]

We need more black action heroes. I think, in general, it feels like. It feels like every time period gets one or two. Yeah. You know what I mean? And lately they've been getting old for some reason. God bless Denzel. Equalizer 3.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't.

[David Borie]

Come on, man. Come on, man. And I watched it. I'm not, like. I'm not above it.

[Langston Kerman]

There were a few moments where he was, like, swerving on people. I'm like, come on, man.

[David Borie]

You can't.

[Langston Kerman]

You know what I mean? He's, like, doing weird fucking moves and outrunning guys, and it's like, I don't. I just don't think it's possible.

[David Borie]

He doesn't even look like that.

[Langston Kerman]

No.

[David Borie]

And that's okay.

[Langston Kerman]

But we get.

[David Borie]

Devontae could probably still do it.

[Langston Kerman]

Devontae could still do it.

[David Borie]

Devontae could do it. Who else would be a great black action hero?

[Langston Kerman]

That's a great question.

[David Borie]

I mean, I think it's like. I think Tretch.

[Langston Kerman]

Mm. Tretch is buff.

[David Borie]

Tretch is buff as hell.

[Langston Kerman]

And scary.

[David Borie]

And scary. Looks like he knows his way around a lot of guns.

[Langston Kerman]

Tretch was scary in a period where Rappers weren't scary.

[David Borie]

Oh, right. They were all on some unity shit. And he was still like, no, I'm buff and I'm scary.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll still kill you.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

He's like, all my friends are cool, but I'll still kill you.

[David Borie]

Yeah. He's like, I will not stop the violence.

[Langston Kerman]

Now they holding hands, but I'll beat your ass. Yeah.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Tretch was terrifying.

[David Borie]

Yeah. I'm still scared of Tretch.

[Langston Kerman]

A hundred percent.

[David Borie]

Trek's rock's in here right now. I'm not saying shit.

[Langston Kerman]

We had. We had. His name is failing me now. Q from Moesha. We had.

[David Borie]

Oh, Fredro Starr.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Fredro Starr on Bustin.

[David Borie]

Great interviewer.

[Langston Kerman]

Some of the best interviews. Yeah. Check your knowledge.

[David Borie]

Did they run you off your block?

[Langston Kerman]

My. We had him on bus down playing one of the burgers in the barbecue section.

[David Borie]

Oh. When Sam was flipping them.

[Langston Kerman]

When Sam was flipping them. And the anxiety I felt introducing myself to Fred Ro Starr cannot be articulated.

[David Borie]

That would be tough.

[Langston Kerman]

And he couldn't have been nicer, really. He couldn't have been more professional. He's a lovely person. As far as the three minutes of interaction that I had with him. Great guy. But I just knew I was gonna be.

[David Borie]

What's up, Fredro?

[Langston Kerman]

He was like, bitch, nigga, I'll kill you.

[David Borie]

What? What do you. This is a good question, because I've struggled with this.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

What do you say when you introduce yourself to a rapper?

[Langston Kerman]

I only introduce myself to rappers with context.

[David Borie]

But, no, I'm talking about what's the. Is it like, sup? I'm Langston. Hey, man. Langston. Langston Kerman. Netflix. Like, what's.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I'm one of the executives at Netflix.

[David Borie]

We love what you're doing, Fred Joe Langston Kerman, mfa.

[Langston Kerman]

I think I'll just say, hey, what's up?

[David Borie]

That's good.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't do big fan.

[David Borie]

No, you can't do big fan.

[Langston Kerman]

Because I think especially with rappers and musicians, that makes you a hoe real fast.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

And I don't want to be a hoe yet.

[David Borie]

Right. Not yet.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll be a hoe eventually.

[David Borie]

Let me earn it on my own time.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I never do the big fan shit, but I. Yeah, I usually just say, what's up, man? I'm Langston.

[David Borie]

Cause here's the thing is, also, you have to lead with strength, but you have to know I'm not playing your game. I want to be Soulja Boy out here talking to Floyd. You know what I mean? So it's like. It's like, there's like. It's a tough thing I struggle with. Luckily, the one rapper I met, he was wasted.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, that's cool.

[David Borie]

Freddie Gibbs.

[Langston Kerman]

Freddie Gibbs. Okay.

[David Borie]

I'm pretty sure he thought I was Teddy Ray.

[Langston Kerman]

Like, Teddy, your skin looks better, man.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

You look good.

[David Borie]

We were both on the show.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I think the handshakes are more the anxiety for me than like, what I say.

[David Borie]

Because you're not coming with a classic dap there.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, my fear is that it's one of those where, like, they. You ever meet those people where, like, they do their own thing inside of a classic dap?

[David Borie]

I hate it.

[Langston Kerman]

It drives me nuts.

[David Borie]

Don't throw up blood or whatever. You're like, you know, it's always. They go up with it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Or they, like, do the point at the end of it and shit. And it's like, come on, man. Just meet me where I'm at. You knew I wasn't affiliated. You knew. I didn't know what you was on. Like, just meet me at home. You know what I mean?

[David Borie]

I know what you mean. We've worked so hard to have a universal dap that. To throw shit in. It is not fair to either of us.

[Langston Kerman]

And now. And I really appreciate the NBA for this, the NBA introduced that dap where you just slap and then hug and that shit liberated, I think, a. Because there was this sort of like, weird cultural thing where like, some. Some black people depending on regional shit, you dap, where you go up first, right. And then you come down. And then some people just go straight down and hit it. And so, like, there would be times where a dap would get sloppy. Cause somebody was expecting more of, like, the grip than the grip, whatever. But like, this NBA shit, you just slap and you go in, everybody's clean. You know what I mean?

[David Borie]

See, my problem with that is it starts with a hug. I do a subtle lift and then a down tight. Ok. You understand what I'm saying? So it's like dap a little bit. A little bit. And then lock it in.

[Langston Kerman]

Let you know, I could go up, but I'm staying down.

[David Borie]

Exactly, exactly. That's what you need to know about me.

[Langston Kerman]

If you need me up there, I can do it.

[David Borie]

Because the slap and the hug is too familiar if you don't know people, which is a problem because, like, in my heart, I want a hug.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I just want to feel your skin against my skin.

[David Borie]

I just think it's a great way to greet people. You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

But. Yeah, that is hard I don't like it when they. Now I feel like you're implicating me in a crime.

[Langston Kerman]

I've never even thought of it as, like, a gang thing as much as, like, a signature thing.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

That bothers me.

[David Borie]

Like, this is the legs to death.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Come on, man.

[David Borie]

We're.

[Langston Kerman]

We're serving up Applebee's over here, and you trying to make this, like, some

[David Borie]

fancy restaurant that I. David Boury, Esquire.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I'm not doing that. Just give me traditional American meal, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't care for when it becomes sort of like this. This specialty experience.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

I do. I tweeted this yesterday. I'm still on Twitter. I'm never going to leave.

[David Borie]

It's okay. I want to see Twitter.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I want to see it burn all the way down before I walk away from what I built over there.

[David Borie]

But I told you, have a lot of Twitter followers. I don't mean that to be reductive. I mean, do you have as many Twitter followers? Is like Instagram.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, not at all. But. But it's. I have, like, 23K.

[David Borie]

All right. That's worth saying.

[Langston Kerman]

And, yeah, it's like, it'd be silly to just walk away from 23,000 people who might like something and show up. I don't have a big enough fan base showing up to my shows to. To, like, abandon a platform. You know what I mean?

[David Borie]

My brother the same. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I got to go where they might be at.

[David Borie]

I only got out of Twitter because I was scared of pandemic.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, sure.

[David Borie]

To be honest, like, white boys bleached their hair. I got off Twitter.

[Langston Kerman]

That's fair.

[David Borie]

It was the same thing, though.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Borie]

Where it was like, oh, he's going through it. Right.

[Langston Kerman]

I, I, I say all that to say I do really want to reach a point in my career where at some point, I have the option to create a signature handshake with LeBron.

[David Borie]

LeBron is who you pick.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, he just has so many signature handshakes.

[David Borie]

Okay, so you think it would be just another.

[Langston Kerman]

I think he's willing to. To make a signature handshake with just about any, if you can get in close enough to him. And I think he will remember it because he has that insane photographic memory.

[David Borie]

Here's the thing, people. I feel like, in theory, I guess with LeBron, it's different in practice. I don't think people love secret handshakes that much.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[David Borie]

So my boy has family handshake. The shout to Brian Sullivan. He's watching.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Borie]

He has a, like, a family handshake that he does.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

And then he taught me, so I'll do it with him. But then my girl is.

[Langston Kerman]

Wait, so it's his. His family, his immediate family. And I think it's extended. Okay.

[David Borie]

I think it's like. I think it's like the fan. It's like coming to Thanksgiving. I got you saying, yeah, but, man, I do it in, like, when I do it in front of my girl, I see her get angry.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[David Borie]

And then I suggested. We had a secret handshake, and she said, I'm not one of your little friends, which hurt. Hurt.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I think what she's trying to say to you is, don't dap me up, motherfucker. Give me some dick. Give me what I deserve, which is not a high five for my partner.

[David Borie]

So I guess maybe that was more of a personal anecdote.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. But I will say there are. There are people in both of our lives who we know who have secret handshakes or sort of like signature handshakes. And I'm never like, hell, yeah. When I watch them do it.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm always like, all right.

[David Borie]

But like, I think that.

[Langston Kerman]

All right.

[David Borie]

From the dates of Fresh Prince, I always wanted to be on that inside track, dog.

[Langston Kerman]

It looks so cool. Yeah. When Will and Jeff would do the thing, man.

[David Borie]

Who do you think wrote that?

[Langston Kerman]

They feel like they had that before they showed up.

[David Borie]

You think they came to the writers room with that?

[Langston Kerman]

I think that's what they contributed.

[David Borie]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think they contributed a lot to the writers room, but I think Will and Jeff showed up being like, we have this really fun handshake we like to do.

[David Borie]

Do you think they still do it? Yes, man. That's great. That's really beautiful. That's really great.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I think they still do that, man. And I think what makes it a little sad is I'm not sure that they still do it because that's their passion or as much as, like, once you become that famous, everybody's always watching, and it becomes like every interaction is a performance, and so we put on the show every time. But, yeah, I think they still do it.

[David Borie]

But you think they do it when nobody's watching? Like, you know how there's, like, four green rooms at any event? They're in, like, the most famous people green room. It's just them.

[Langston Kerman]

And then, like, I don't think there's ever. I think when you become Will Smith, there's never a point where nobody's watching.

[David Borie]

That's fair. I met him, and he was always surrounded by a ton of people. Yeah, I met him a few times. He's always. There's always. It's like a team.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Borie]

And like, so much so that, like, everywhere he was, had to be, like, sectioned off. Like, we were at topgolf, and then the top floor. Topgolf is Will Smith. Can nobody go up there? Or like.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, so, yeah, no, I did. I was at the store a few months ago, and Martin Lawrence came in and did a set, and I was sitting in the chairs and was supposed to be sitting in the chairs. Cause I was there to watch someone else's set and give notes on it. Like a very, you know, cool motherfucker. Whatever.

[David Borie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

And they were like, hey, y' all gotta get up. And we were like, why? And they were like, because Martin's security and video people are gonna sit there. They were like, we'll find some other. They weren't rude about it, but they were like, they gotta sit right there. And I was like, oh, yeah. Because Martin Lawrence is never gonna be alone again.

[David Borie]

I don't know if I can handle that.

[Langston Kerman]

No, it seems. It seems hard.

[David Borie]

And I'm not saying I'm a bad guy. There's a lot of stuff that I do alone.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

I don't. I've spent a lot of time alone. I've lived alone. Thank God my girl works.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

In the crib alone. There's a lot of alone shit I don't need anybody having access to.

[Langston Kerman]

No. Imagine if that hairless cat could tweet. You know what I mean? If that. That fucking.

[David Borie]

If that push could tweet, bro. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, it's nasty.

[David Borie]

She's like an idiot, though. It'd be some dumb shit if she could. She'd be cheating about butter. What a cat's like.

[Langston Kerman]

Have y' all heard of butter?

[David Borie]

I had to get her out the butter, like, 10 minutes before you got to my house.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, really?

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

What, do you keep the butter out?

[David Borie]

Well, we made breakfast this morning, and the butter was out. And then I came, and she was just face deep in it.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, shit.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Now what are you gonna do with that butter? You gonna keep that butter?

[David Borie]

No, that butter's gone.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Borie]

Yeah. All right.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm just glad to hear it. You got to know who you're working with.

[David Borie]

Oh, yeah, no, I like partnering with. I like her. I'm not trying to. It's not. In a way where.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, no.

[David Borie]

It's the same with my Dog. She's very affectionate. She doesn't lick my face.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm always a little disturbed. I have friends who are. Who are intimate with their animals in ways that. That I just. I can't be. You know what I mean? They're like. Licks their popsicle and then they lick it afterwards, and it's like, guys, I'm not an expert, but this is a sin, bro.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

I don't.

[Langston Kerman]

Like, this is a sin against humanity, and we shouldn't do that.

[David Borie]

I don't really love sharing food with people. Even, like, if I make something, you're welcome to have some of whatever I make. Not off my plate.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't love. Even with my wife, I don't really love sharing like that.

[David Borie]

Yeah, we share. But, like, what?

[Langston Kerman]

My preferred version of sharing is eat everything you plan to eat and I'll take the rest.

[David Borie]

Oh, yeah, well, that's.

[Langston Kerman]

Of course, I don't mind that. Cause then it's like, all right, there's no weird. Sort of like, you have some, then I'll have some, then you have some, then. I don't like that game. That frustrates the shit out of me.

[David Borie]

I like it for one. You want to try this? Because you got something different? You wanna try this? Cause I got something different. But after the one, then I'm with you. Where?

[Langston Kerman]

It's. It's mine now.

[David Borie]

Yeah. And as. Dude, I'm probably gonna be batting cleanup anyways.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on.

[David Borie]

You know what I mean? Yeah. You left some of that sandwich out. You know how it's going. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I be clocking my wife's meals, like.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

All right. It's been about five minutes. You gonna finish that or. Cause I'll take it to the trash, but it ain't going to the trash, if you know what I mean.

[David Borie]

Somebody ordered too much temp.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, I'm finishing everything, baby.

[David Borie]

Yeah, yeah. Do you do that with the kids, too?

[Langston Kerman]

100%.

[David Borie]

Oh, that's good.

[Langston Kerman]

Now, here's where kids make you disgusting is kids eat like fucking animals, right? Like, everything is spilled, it's half bitten off of. You clearly watch them slob in ways that are inhumane, but it's just the nature of a child. And then you as a parent become so detached from, like, any levels of, like, cleanliness and propriety that, like, you'll just eat off their nasty animal plate afterwards because you're like, well, I'm not gonna waste this half chewed up bagel. Yeah, I'm gonna eat that bagel, man. And that's. That's when it starts to feel dark where you're like, damn, I shouldn't, I should hold myself with some level of like, care, you know?

[David Borie]

But it's like, you know, they are. It's, it's really kind of better than sharing with your wife there. That's you, right? She's another person.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Borie]

You know what I'm saying? Like, you and me, we're in this together.

[Langston Kerman]

You got some. You got some of my blood in you.

[David Borie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like I fucked up that bagel.

[Langston Kerman]

That's just a bagel from my past.

[David Borie]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Time is four dimensional.

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[Langston Kerman]

Spin Quest is a free to play

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[Langston Kerman]

All right, well, I think we got a good cold open.

[David Borie]

This is nice.

[Langston Kerman]

We riffed for a little bit. We are here in lovely Denver, Colorado, at Dude IDK Studios.

[David Borie]

Yeah. Shout out to Nick and them.

[Langston Kerman]

Nick and them. It's Nick and two dogs, I believe is the.

[David Borie]

There's some other people who work here.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, okay.

[David Borie]

Cool.

[Langston Kerman]

I've only met Nick. I met Nick and two very friendly dogs.

[David Borie]

Yeah, they're nice dogs.

[Langston Kerman]

And we're here in Denver, and unfortunately, the Denver show was canceled. Sorry y' all didn't buy tickets. That's not on us. Listen, we begged you.

[David Borie]

The hard thing about it is.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

Should we.

[David Borie]

I think we should talk about the cancellation.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure.

[David Borie]

Yeah, I think we should. We've gotten enough DMs.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. A lot of people have asked, which is strange. How many people have asked, given how few tickets sold.

[David Borie]

I think it's because the few people who came were down.

[Langston Kerman]

They were really into it.

[David Borie]

Yeah. And we love the dozens of you and. Actually, that's an exaggeration.

[Langston Kerman]

The dozen and a half of you.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Who were willing to come out. A lot of this tour has been very fun. Yeah, we have. I don't want to besmirch our good name. We've sold a lot of tickets. We've filled out a lot of venues, but there have been a few places where we have discovered that our ties are not as deep as we would. Our mob ties are not as deep as we thought they were.

[David Borie]

Some places where maybe I live.

[Advertisement Voice - HomeServe]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

Some places where people I know are.

[Langston Kerman]

Some places where I thought it was a guaranteed home run. Because of your relationship to them.

[David Borie]

Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

Turned out that didn't work out so well.

[David Borie]

Turns out I don't have any fucking friends.

[Langston Kerman]

And to your credit, I felt that way. Detroit. I was like, my people live in Detroit.

[David Borie]

You said you were like, I got people.

[Langston Kerman]

I got people in Detroit. Certainly Detroit will be a home run. And the numbers in Detroit did not reflect that at all. So I relate to you. I do not. This is not a singular issue, but there have been a few places where we just couldn't make it happen. And we're sorry that that is the. And we hope to make up for that in the future. And the only way that's possible is if you keep watching and listening to our bullshit and helping this thing grow.

[David Borie]

Exactly. And it's not cause we're being bougie. I saw a couple comments maybe thinking like, that was it. Listen, no. He eats off his kid's plate.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm eating chewed up bagels, baby. I'm not better than nobody.

[David Borie]

I'm stealing my girl's tempura when she's not looking, blaming it on the baby cat. We're not boug.

[Langston Kerman]

We're not better than you. We just.

[David Borie]

We truly just didn't sell the tickets.

[Langston Kerman]

We just didn't sell the tickets. And planes don't make sense if you can't justify the ticket sales.

[David Borie]

Anyways, I think we needed. We did. I feel good. I feel like I needed to get that off my.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, we should open up a little bit and be transparent and all that. Anyway, fuck y'.

[David Borie]

All. Yep, fuck you. You're not coming to my birthday.

[Langston Kerman]

We have an email. Yes, it's a Langston and David episode. A David and Langston episode. But we figured an email was apropos given the circumstances. And we have an email from a person named Bri. Bri sent us an email, a very exciting email with the headline, is Mattress Firm a Drug Front?

[David Borie]

I'm in.

[Langston Kerman]

You're already in.

[David Borie]

I like. So what I was thinking about with this email is I have always wanted to and I don't think ever, quite frankly, been cool enough to participate in some kind of a front. I've been to like, speakeasies.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure, sure, sure.

[David Borie]

In like after hours spots and shit. Like, or like even like a store where my friend works that sells weed.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

But like, to be involved in a true front, I always thought would be really neat.

[Langston Kerman]

When you say. And neat is not how you want to finish that sentence if you plan to be in a front.

[David Borie]

No, that's why I haven't got in. I can fucking outside.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, this is neat. This is Neat.

[David Borie]

Fellas. I was really searching for a cool word, and brain failed me.

[Langston Kerman]

When you say a part of the front, do you imagine yourself to be like. Like, in the mix? Like, are you, like, tell Bori to go drop off the envelope at 3pm yes. Okay.

[David Borie]

Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

I've always wanted insider information. I knew this one guy who was just like, a bad character. And when you called him, you had to say, I'm looking for a Mexican with a lot of gold teeth. And I always wanted a reason to call somebody. Call him.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

And I never. I just want to be in the mix one time, and I don't want to do anything bad in my head. It's like. Maybe it's like an illegal gambling situation or something.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Borie]

I'm not trying to traffic anybody, but, yeah, it would be nice.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think I've ever wanted to be a part of it, but I have wanted to have a guy. Like, I was watching Wolf's. You've seen that movie with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. It's like. It's an Apple movie where they're back together and they're both. They're both fixers for.

[David Borie]

I don't really fuck with Apple tv.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, that's fair. Yeah. They ain't got a lot going on over there.

[David Borie]

It just seems like something about it bothers me. And I'm in a movie on Apple tv.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I was about to say first film, I assume.

[David Borie]

Yeah, first film. I've been in two, but the other one's not out.

[Langston Kerman]

And you. You didn't even subscribe then? No. Damn.

[David Borie]

I haven't seen the film.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Borie]

But, you know, you can watch it.

[Langston Kerman]

I will. Yeah. It's on Apple tv. I have that right. But in the movie, they are both guys who get called to fix this problem for this lady. And unintentionally, they call two different guys, but they both are called. And that's sort of the game of. It is like, these two dudes end up being both the fixers. But it's. There's this cool moment where she, like, calls a guy who has a guy for her to call. And I've always wanted to just have a dude in my phone where I'm like, hey, I fucked up.

[David Borie]

Right?

[Langston Kerman]

Fix this.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

You know what I mean?

[David Borie]

As it stands now, who would you call?

[Langston Kerman]

My dad. I don't know.

[David Borie]

I'm sorry,

[Langston Kerman]

I don't have anybody.

[David Borie]

That's really good.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

He's clearly a great father.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I'd call my dad and Be like, I'm in a bad way and be like, I at least know he wouldn't come with, like, some weird, like, moral thing. He would just try to fix it.

[David Borie]

Yeah. I mean. Yeah. I don't even.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Who would you call?

[David Borie]

The only people I could think of that I've even had in my life that would be on that level or not in my life anymore, because I'm not an idiot.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you're trying to be better.

[David Borie]

Yeah, I mean, I. I call my brother, but that's probably just a vent.

[Langston Kerman]

That's what I mean. Like, I'm not sure that anybody I could call could actually fix something.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

As much as be a sympathetic ear.

[David Borie]

Right. But you want somebody to call who knows what they're like, okay, get some lime salt or whatever.

[Langston Kerman]

No, in the movie, she calls a guy, he shows up at the door, he starts making the problem go away. You know what I'm saying? Like a dead body in her hotel. He shows up and he is cleaning that body. He is telling her what to put on. He is telling her where to go and where she was the entire night.

[David Borie]

Like, see, you know what?

[Langston Kerman]

I want that.

[David Borie]

You know what I think it is? We're not rich enough.

[Langston Kerman]

We're not rich enough.

[David Borie]

And don't get me wrong, we're doing fine. You're a homeowner. I got two cats

[Langston Kerman]

and a dog.

[David Borie]

And a dog. There's a goddamn jungle Book in there. Yeah, I don't think we're. I think it's like. I think that's like, you have to be like, a senator wealthy.

[Langston Kerman]

I think you have to be senator wealthy. And I think you also have to maintain those relationships in a way that, like, I'm not fostering. Do you know what I mean? Right.

[David Borie]

I'm not good at maintaining relationships.

[Langston Kerman]

And you also, you have to maintain relationships with people you know, are like, shitty people. But, like, you're like, well, yeah, you're the worst guy, but you are the guy that I would call.

[David Borie]

Right?

[Langston Kerman]

Or you have the person that I could call that would fix this. You know what I mean?

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

Like, you need to have a real, like, evil motherfucker in your corner. And I just ain't got same that level of evil yet.

[David Borie]

Well, if you're a fixer, call into 844-LIL-DOMS.

[Langston Kerman]

That's right. If you are a fixer, you can email us at MyMamaPod. MyMamaPodmail.com, we would love to hear from you and we would love to know what you could fix. For us.

[David Borie]

Right. And this is not to say we have anything to fix.

[Langston Kerman]

We don't have anything yet.

[David Borie]

We're doing it.

[Langston Kerman]

We wanna know what is in your fixing repertoire.

[David Borie]

Exactly. Give me. I want to know. You know what I've always wanted now that I'm really thinking about this. I've always wanted somebody who could get like a dossier on somebody.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

Like let's say fast forward 20 years in the future.

[Langston Kerman]

23.

[David Borie]

Give me some space. I don't know. Let's say I have a daughter, she's going to get married now. I got somebody. I call, he comes. Boom. Here's a manila envelope, everything. I got pictures. I know where his mom stays, his dad stays. Jobs, drug habits. That's learned.

[Langston Kerman]

Suspensions from school.

[David Borie]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that is more. And not Google. Don't think Google. I mean, the deep shit.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, No, I get what you mean.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You want to know the tax returns, they didn't fill out.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

And like how they covered that with the banks and the government and shit.

[David Borie]

Right. Like, I want to be tapped in to someone who can get that kind of.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Borie]

You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

And that's.

[Langston Kerman]

That's tough because in theory you could hire a private detective, but even then, how do you verify that they're a quality private detective? How do you know that they're going to show up with the things that you're really looking for?

[David Borie]

And I kind of think private detectives have maybe been mythologized a little more. I think in real life, you call it. And it's just like a guy named Donovan. Yeah. And he wanted to be a cop and it didn't work out. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's a divorcee that figured they were gonna try something different because their kids are out of the house and. And they don't have to pay child support anymore.

[David Borie]

Exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

It's like, let's see. Let's go try something else.

[David Borie]

Cause I mean, what does it take to be a private. Is it a rigorous.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's like a certification.

[David Borie]

So it's like becoming a notary.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, kind of. I think it's just like, you gotta have a car.

[David Borie]

I'm out. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You can't be my private detective. You just gotta have a car. And a willingness to sit outside somebody's house.

[David Borie]

Cause is it like, Is it a difficult job to track somebody? I don't really know. I bet it's.

[Langston Kerman]

I bet it's harder than we're giving it credit for.

[David Borie]

That's true. We're not sure.

[Langston Kerman]

I bet it's not a. An intelligence question. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't think you have to be smart to be a private detective. I think you probably have to be, like, determined.

[David Borie]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

And, like, willing to, like, put in the hours to, like, follow somebody.

[David Borie]

And here's one more. I'm gonna derail it a little bit further, and then we can come back.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

So is the art of disguise dead?

[Langston Kerman]

I do think the art of disguise. I mean, we watched that dude get assassinated on video.

[David Borie]

We did.

[Langston Kerman]

And he just had on a hoodie and a face mask. It wasn't.

[David Borie]

Damn.

[Langston Kerman]

It didn't feel like he had. You know what I mean? Like, I think the art of disguise now has turned into, like, the digital disguising.

[David Borie]

That's not cool.

[Langston Kerman]

That's. No, it sucks. Yeah, it really sucks. There was that guy for a while who had, like, figured out a way to. To do deep fakes where, like, he was being Tom Cruise in a lot of places. And it was, like, almost indistinguishable from the real Tom Cruise. I don't know if you remember this at all. No.

[David Borie]

Deep fake. Scare the shit out of me.

[Langston Kerman]

But he was, like, really fucking good at, like, the. Whatever it was to be Tom Cruise in these deepfakes. And, like, I guess did a good enough impression and was similarly sized. And, like, it just. It was hard to tell if that wasn't Tom Cruise.

[David Borie]

But is it that hard to tell if you're looking for Tom Cruise? I mean, if you think about. I see people I know all the time. I seen a Chris Redd at the airport eight times.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure, sure, sure.

[David Borie]

You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

But I'm saying that this is more digital.

[David Borie]

Okay? Right.

[Langston Kerman]

So, like, he probably out in the world was just a dude doing a bad Tom Cruise impression. But online, as a viewer, that is Tom Cruise.

[David Borie]

Oh, interesting. Damn. Well, shout out to the art of disguise.

[Langston Kerman]

Shout out to the master of disguise. Turtle. Turtle.

[David Borie]

Turtle. Turtle. Damn. I just. I want that to still be a thing.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think it is, but maybe it is, and we're just not giving it credit. Those Mission Impossible movies, they still make

[David Borie]

it seem like is they were fake fingertips.

[Langston Kerman]

Like, man, that's fucking cool.

[David Borie]

You know who was a master of disguise?

[Langston Kerman]

Who's that?

[David Borie]

Michael Jackson.

[Langston Kerman]

That's true.

[David Borie]

He loved disguises.

[Langston Kerman]

He loved disguises.

[David Borie]

That's like a big.

[Langston Kerman]

Did you know that? Yeah. Michael Jackson. For our listeners, our viewers that. That are unaware, Michael Jackson would regularly go out in public in some of the most elaborate disguises known to man.

[David Borie]

You said elaborate. Not good.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, no. I didn't call them good.

[David Borie]

That's a key point in all of this, though.

[Langston Kerman]

They are not good disguises, but they are substantial disguises. And in a way where, like, I know that's a motherfucker in a disguise, but I don't know that that's Michael Jackson.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

He was good enough at it. Where I'm like, that tall, lanky motherfucker looks insane.

[David Borie]

You know what that makes me wonder, though, is, like, he was rich. So he had probably the greatest disguise technology at his disposal. And if even that was bad, it makes, like, you know, that theory that there aren't really hitmen. Like, it makes me feel like kind of like that. Like, maybe there wasn't even.

[Langston Kerman]

Maybe the disguise technology truly isn't what. What we think it Maybe.

[David Borie]

And maybe it never was.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that's tough.

[David Borie]

Because isn't anonymity your greatest disguise?

[Langston Kerman]

I've been watching, like, I think many of us, the penguin and insane, what Colin Farrell is able to transform into. I love you. I love you, truly. Like, unbelievable. My wife literally did not know that was Colin Farrell until episode four.

[David Borie]

See, that's awesome.

[Langston Kerman]

She just was like. I think we watched one of the after the episode things, and it was him. And she was like, why is he in it? That's the penguin. She was like, what the fuck? The penguin is Irish. And I was like, yeah, it's crazy. It's been the penguin the whole time. And even that. I wonder if I see that makeup and that in person, if it starts to tell on itself a lot better than on camera when they're maneuvering and positioning, lighting and all that, and constantly fluffing it to, like, keep the neck down and the eyes in place and shit.

[David Borie]

But, I mean, had I seen Nutty. Had I seen the clumps.

[Langston Kerman]

Yep.

[David Borie]

In real life, I would. I don't know. I think.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know, man.

[David Borie]

I don't know. It was not maybe that good, but maybe it was.

[Langston Kerman]

And maybe there's just. You really have to be a phenomenal. You have to have a phenomenal team. This isn't just a dude in his apartment who can, like, put a nose on and play it off.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

I think you really have to have, like, a fucking unit of people that are, like, making you look as indecipherable as they're able to be.

[David Borie]

Damn. Cause I always wanted it to be real. Like, you know, when they pull the mask off from, like, out from under the yeah, I always kind of wanted yeah, yeah, I always wanted that to be real, but I get it.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think that's as real as we want it to be. Well, anyways, we got an email from Bri and this was a long walk, Bree, and maybe we should take a break. Yeah, we'll take a break and then we're going to get into this email from Bree. So we're going to take a break. We'll be back here at Dude IDK Studios. More My mama told me.

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[David Borie]

Would have been swallowed up. Have you ever been swallowed up? Have you gone through a time of swallowing where everything was overwhelming? Have you ever been swall.

[Langston Kerman]

Do you think he. He obviously knows it's a meme. There's no way he doesn't know it's a meme. Do you think he laughs about that? Like, do you think TD Jakes has a little bit of a sense of humor about all of this?

[David Borie]

I think that he sees that, and he's like, I still spitting. I think he still is like, no, I was saucing.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's somewhere in the middle.

[David Borie]

You think so?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I think he laughs about the fact that it gets taken out of context, but I think he is like, nah. But y' all know that day in church, I was going crazy.

[David Borie]

Yeah. Cause you go. You can.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Like, I think he's able to be like, ha ha ha. He, he, he.

[David Borie]

Yeah. Like. But like, also, for real, y' all don't play with me.

[Langston Kerman]

I went crazy.

[David Borie]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm still like, that guy, you know

[David Borie]

who went crazy preaching was that white lady. Did you see that be bacon, man? I was. I talked to Sam on the phone about it when she posted it.

[Langston Kerman]

Cause it was so like, be like, bacon, baby. Man.

[David Borie]

Make your own. Make your own oil.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

Oof.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not gonna lie. It hit.

[David Borie]

She went crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

It inspired.

[David Borie]

Can you. Justin, can you drop that in right here? Yeah, so they can see it. It's visual.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

Now y' all know what it's like. We getting ready to go home. It's time to eat. What do you do when you're getting ready to fry? Get that skillet. What do you pour? You gonna fry some chicken. You're gonna need some. You're gonna fry some fish. You're gonna need some. You're gonna fry some vegetables. You're gonna need some. You're gonna fry some bacon. You need some. No, you don't. Need no oil when you fry bacon. Cause what. Bacon has its own oil. I want you to look over at somebody and say, be like bacon, baby. Every time the heat is applied, you just produce your own oil. You just produce your own oil and become are what you were meant to be. You produce your own oil and allow others to taste and see that the Lord is good.

[Langston Kerman]

It's.

[David Borie]

It's.

[Langston Kerman]

It's so nice because not only is she in her pocket, but she knows it.

[David Borie]

Oh, that's why she played with them. Yeah, that's why she played with them.

[Langston Kerman]

She knows what's coming,

[David Borie]

which I wish my comedy. All I'm ever trying to do is be like, ah, ah. Yeah.

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

Uh, uh.

[Langston Kerman]

She knew. She knew the energy was about to shift in the room. That was a punchline if ever there was one.

[David Borie]

And it. It delivered. They went crazy, baby. That's the good thing about preaching is it would've worked on me. I'm not religious. If I was in there, I'd have gone crazy too.

[Langston Kerman]

It went nuts.

[David Borie]

I'd have gone crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

How could you not? It's so fucking good.

[David Borie]

Yeah, man.

[Langston Kerman]

She wrote that down and she was like, I'm taking a break.

[David Borie]

Yep, I got it. I'm gonna go get a Fresca.

[Langston Kerman]

We're good for Sunday.

[David Borie]

Janine, you've done it again.

[Langston Kerman]

Every Sunday after this. I'll figure it out. But this Sunday we're good. We're gonna be just fine.

[David Borie]

Sometimes I wish that I could, like. I don't wanna be a pastor. It would be a great writing exercise to just write a sermon every Sunday. You ever think about that as, like, a creative. As a creative exercise, I bet you. Because I don't think we give religious people enough creative, enough credit for how creative they are. I think that's what they made up. A man in the sky.

[Langston Kerman]

I think that's what sucks about it, is that it's so conflated with this, like, manipulative property. Right. That, like, it's so intended to, like, make people guide people towards, like, principles and morality that I don't always agree with and I think has, like, dangerous implications that you can't appreciate how sick the art form is that these motherfuckers are just going crazy as, like, performers and writers.

[David Borie]

Right. Every week is. I don't write 15 new minutes every or how long is a sermon.

[Langston Kerman]

It's way longer than 15 minutes, I think.

[David Borie]

Every week.

[Langston Kerman]

Every week.

[David Borie]

And I assume it's staggered at some point where you're probably two, three weeks out.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I think you gotta have some shit. And I'm assuming. And they go on tour, I'm assuming they recycle bits. I imagine that it's not just like, oh, I do a brand new 15 every week, but I bet it has to be new enough that people come back for it.

[David Borie]

Because it's not a comedy club. It's the same people every week.

[Langston Kerman]

No, they can't be like, oh, that's my favorite verse. They want to hear new shit, man.

[David Borie]

Shout out to them. That is impressive. Like, as just as a performer. That is a feat to deliver new material every week, week in, week out. It is like. It is incredible. It's a large task and it's nuts.

[Langston Kerman]

It's really cool. Please stop stealing from my grandma. But it's so cool.

[David Borie]

Exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

Exact. Leave my grandmother out of this. But you're fucking nailing it.

[David Borie]

It's not worth 10% of all my earnings.

[Langston Kerman]

Cool.

[David Borie]

No, but, like, keep going.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't want you to get a new suit. I want you to just keep doing your art. And that's cool.

[David Borie]

I wish there was a way that we could appreciate it divorced from the religion, where we could just sit back and be like, this is great. This, man, is because that TD Jakes, it is a joke and we play it or whatever. But it's also, as a performer, I know what it like, it looks like when someone is in the pocket and that man was in the pocket, and to him, I say, like, kudos, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

There's so many.

[David Borie]

Hats off.

[Langston Kerman]

There's so many times I watch somebody on stage and I go, I can't do that.

[David Borie]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

Do you know what I mean? Like in stand up, in other types of performance where I go, motherfucker's going crazy. And I can't do it. I literally don't have whatever, the confidence or weird clique in my brain that would allow me the freedom to be that. And swallowed up is an example of that, where I just. He was swallowed. I can't do it.

[David Borie]

I don't have. Yeah, I don't have the confidence. There's no set I can do. I don't even do voices, bro. Yeah, I don't even do voices.

[Langston Kerman]

I do them, but it's like three

[David Borie]

in, like, what's your best voice?

[Langston Kerman]

It's old Black, man.

[David Borie]

I don't think that counts if it's just something you're gonna turn into.

[Langston Kerman]

That's what I mean.

[David Borie]

It was like doing Baby Langston.

[Langston Kerman]

It doesn't. It's in my. It's already in my wheelhouse.

[David Borie]

Yeah, that's not. That doesn't count. I'm talking about a completely different. That wasn't even a character, though. He just was talking and he said, I don't have the confidence to do that with my face body. Man, that guy's good, man.

[Langston Kerman]

TD Jakes. Shout out to TD Jakes.

[David Borie]

Yeah, man.

[Langston Kerman]

We leave our families alone, but.

[David Borie]

Shout out to TD Jakes, do not take my family's money.

[Langston Kerman]

All right, we gotta get to this.

[David Borie]

Let's get to it.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. We got an email from Bri. Bri sent us an email. She said, hey, David and Langston, big fan of the show. I really enjoy your banter, opinions, and hilarity. You both downplay how intelligent and insightful you are, but after one episode, it was clear to me, y' all are brilliant. Bree, shut the fuck up.

[David Borie]

Shut the fuck.

[Langston Kerman]

What are you talking about, you goofy motherfucker?

[David Borie]

Money off these dumb dumbs out here.

[Langston Kerman]

We don't know what we're talking about, Bri, you idiot.

[David Borie]

Also, I don't want you to be upset when we eventually do get money and turn full stupid.

[Langston Kerman]

Bree, I'm gonna. I'm gonna do Fox News eventually.

[David Borie]

You don't think so?

[Langston Kerman]

Come on, there's big opportunities over there.

[David Borie]

Bri, you gonna be on Hardball.

[Langston Kerman]

She goes on to say, a man on Hinge recently told me that he believes mattress. This is a weird Hinge conversation. Recently told me that he believes Mattress Firm is a drug front because most of them are located in the trap in parentheses because this man was likely white. Lily white. In fact, you are unable to buy a mattress from the store even though they seem to have 100 plus in stock. He had some of the crazy. Some other crazy opinions. So the conversation didn't last long. But I did Google search, and apparently he's not the only one who thinks this. Lots of people, mainly a Reddit and snopes.com, on Reddit and snopes.com, i believe that mattress firms simply have to be a money laundering scheme because they're always located in clusters, like five stores less than a mile apart. There's no real demand, but they stay open. And many of the executives have had major lawsuits over the years. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[David Borie]

First of all, that is a crazy way to try to get some pussy.

[Langston Kerman]

That is nuts. It's like Mattress Firm is a front. And I have a mattress that I'd like you to lay on.

[David Borie]

You know, it's not fronting. It's Casper Mattress.

[Langston Kerman]

As you'll see here. My mattress is not from Mattress Firm. It's from Dare to try it Bri.

[David Borie]

So that being said, out of the way, I do wonder. It is a business that I wonder how it's sustainable. Like the fact that there are multiple mattress factories in the world continuing to make mattresses even though it seems like everybody uses theirs. I mean, broke people. I had the same mattress till I got money. I didn't have one for a while. Like, I think growing up, I probably had this. I think I had a crib that I was in too long. Worried about the lasting effects of that.

[Langston Kerman]

Maybe that's why you're short.

[David Borie]

I am worried about it. I saw a picture of me in a crib and it looked like a man behind bars. Yeah, I was too big.

[Langston Kerman]

You know how like a crab can't outgrow its shell?

[David Borie]

That's what I. Now I can't dunk because this bitch didn't want to spring for a big boy bed. That's trash, bro. I saw the picture of me in the crib. There's no. There's no childhood in my limbs. Does that make sense? I'm like, I got my hands on this shit and I have the limbs that I have now.

[Langston Kerman]

It's just hair on your arms and shit. Why that baby got hairy knuckles? That's weird.

[David Borie]

I got a toothpick.

[Langston Kerman]

Mama, Mama.

[David Borie]

Yo. Mark it off the days off, been

[Langston Kerman]

in the crib, 396 sleeps till I'm finally free.

[David Borie]

But for real, it doesn't seem like the turnover on mattresses matches the production. And I don't see how it could.

[Langston Kerman]

I bought one mattress in college, when I went off to college, what size it was, I think it was a full. No, it was a queen because we started. It wasn't when I went off to college. It was my junior year of college when I finally moved off campus. I bought my first mattress. It was a queen size. And I kept that for years. Years and years.

[David Borie]

And still queen is good enough to get some pussy.

[Langston Kerman]

Queen's pretty solid until I moved to Boston where I bought a fucking queen sized air mattress, thinking that that would supplement the. I was like, no, because the games we play, dog. I found out that they make like, those air mattresses that. That get to the height of a normal bed.

[David Borie]

And it's made by Beautyrest. So you're like, this is basically. I'm not broke. This is basically a mattress.

[Langston Kerman]

I was like, this is a bed. It's just preferential at this point.

[David Borie]

And then baby girl Nicks her legs on the seams coming out, dog.

[Langston Kerman]

You ask a lady to lay on it and she bounces and you're like, ah, fuck. Ah, damn. Okay, I gotta fix this fast. And my fix, and this is again, broke choices. My fix was not to buy a legitimate mattress. It was to craigslist a mattress from a different person who was giving away for it was like $50. Was like giving away a pillow top mattress that I kept for another like five years. So no way are these mattress firms just staying open off of like these insane sales of mattresses.

[David Borie]

Like you got a back full of mattresses, who's getting the mattress? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's never like, oh, let me go to the back. We don't. You know.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's even what she's saying in this email is that it doesn't sound like they even will let you walk home with a mattress that day. That like, if you show up, you can test them, you can sit on em, but you gotta buy online or get it shipped to your house.

[David Borie]

My first, my first mattress I ever got as an adult. Not my first. My first mattress I got. When I wasn't dead broke. I went to Atwater Village where they have like six of those mattress stores. No, probably four for real. But on that main drag there, there's like four of them right next to each other. I went in with cash in hand and they had to deliver it. Cause I was so upset. Cause I was like, I need this tonight.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

My only concern with this, because it feels fully plausible to me, right? That this is some kind of money laundering drug front, whatever it is that makes it so that they can put six mattress firms in a single location and somehow not have to sell any. My only question is why is it that they're never investigated at all? Because if it's that obvious to all of us, it's obviously obvious to everyone else, certainly the powers that be that would hold it accountable.

[David Borie]

I wonder if it's because a mattress is a high quality enough product. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it seems like when I think money laundering, I think of like a laundromat, like a car wash or something.

[Langston Kerman]

Some bullshit.

[David Borie]

Yeah. It seems like a mattress is like maybe a classy enough product that it stays up. Because they're expensive.

[Langston Kerman]

The high end ones, even the cheap ones are still.

[David Borie]

You get a Honda Civic for a mattress or at least like a Sonata.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you can get. Yeah. It's sad, but yeah, that's True.

[David Borie]

Yeah. No, that's where we're at. Yeah. That is a good question. Why have they not been investigated? Because. Cause I was telling you, I think recently when I played Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyville.

[Langston Kerman]

Stop bragging.

[David Borie]

Yeah. Another show a lot of you guys came out to. I was walking from the hotel to the club. Cause it was like, you know, it's nice to have a wife. Don't worry about what my process is.

[Langston Kerman]

Nah, I get it.

[David Borie]

The art gets made. I walked past a mattress store, and every day I walked past that bitch, there would be one of the salesmen inside blatantly laying on the mattress.

[Langston Kerman]

Right.

[David Borie]

And then I was thinking, because I was like, that is crazy. We're in the deep in the suburbs. Who needs a mattress on Tuesday at 6:00pm? Like, why do they even need a storefront?

[Langston Kerman]

Here's what I'll say. And I don't have a lot on this yet, but it feels correct to me is that I think we're thinking too small for a drug front or like money laundering. I think that the stretch of mattresses, mattress sale places that exist with nobody purchasing mattresses suggests to me that this goes all the way to the top. Oh, that this is like how the government washes their money more than it is like, how a local drug barber does. Yeah, exactly. I think this is like Joe Biden, on the day that he entered office, got a fucking dossier that broke down exactly how the mattress money ties to the money that they send to Israel. Wow. And we gotta make this all clean and clear. This is part of our gdp, baby. Yo, check it out.

[David Borie]

I think you might've just blown this thing wide open.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borie]

Cause you're right, it does speak to, like, they're everywhere. They are everywhere.

[Langston Kerman]

It's every city, it's. Everybody's had this experience of feeling like, what the fuck? How are there so many of these? I see. I live in Los Angeles. There's a mattress store on the corner of, like, La Brea and Third that I've seen exist while every other business in that area has lost it. Right. You know what I mean? Everybody else has gone shut down. Fucking. They can't keep their doors open. But that mattress store stays open.

[David Borie]

You know what you'd ever see?

[Langston Kerman]

Yep.

[David Borie]

A mattress going out of business sale.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on.

[David Borie]

Nobody's ever like, oh, furniture warehouse was closing down. I just got this shit for $600.

[Langston Kerman]

Ever come get these sertas for the low?

[David Borie]

And to be fair, I don't think the price has fluctuated anywhere but up.

[Langston Kerman]

It's only gotten worse.

[David Borie]

I think it's like the price of ammunition. I think mattress prices have only gone up despite the. Oh, no. Yeah. Because we might need to not put this out. Nah, man.

[Langston Kerman]

We did a nasty thing here. And, Bri, you. You horrible, horrible lady. What have you done to us?

[Guest or Additional Voice - Preacher/Spoken Word]

What have you done? He's got cats. Who's paying you?

[Langston Kerman]

You knew we would land here and you knew we would lose opportunities because of this.

[David Borie]

I'm just saying, if I get Ghost off of Instagram, my one social platform, you know who did it? Bri.

[Langston Kerman]

Bri and the government.

[David Borie]

Bri and the government.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, Bri, we appreciate you sending this email even though you tried to sabotage us. And we hope that this answers your question. We believe this goes all the way to the top. We believe that every president, right or left wing leaning, is involved and nobody is exempt because the mattresses, they keep on selling, baby. They keep them. Doors stay open, big wheels keep on turning. You want to tell the people where they can find you and what cool shit you got going on?

[David Borie]

Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram, you can listen to my album, Birth of a Nation on all streaming platforms right now. Just go to Spotify and listen to it. You can get my special different jokes at my Patreon David patreon.com, davidborg.

[Langston Kerman]

Hell yeah. You can follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. You can see my special on Netflix. It's called Bad Poetry. And you can watch English Teacher, it streams on Hulu. And more importantly, if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to tell us what exactly that mattress money is used for in the government, send it all to mymamapodmail. We would love to hear from you. And even more important, we want to hear your voices. Send us a voicemail at 844-low-MOMS. 844-low-MOMs. We would love to hear your voices. We have a ton of voicemails now that we.

[David Borie]

Yeah, we are. We're sitting on a bunch.

[Langston Kerman]

We're sitting on a bunch. And we're gonna start talking to y' all soon. But for now, keep sending them because we really appreciate it. Like subscribe rate review.

[David Borie]

Devontae Swing.

[Langston Kerman]

Devontae Swing. Bye Bitch. My Mama Told Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money players network

[David Borie]

and iHeart podcast, created and hosted by

[Langston Kerman]

Langston Kearney, co hosted by David Bore,

[David Borie]

executive produced by Will Ferrell Hansani and

[Langston Kerman]

Olivia Aguilar, co produced by Bay Wang,

[David Borie]

edited and engineered by Justin Kahmer Music by Nick Chambers Artwork by Dogon Kriega.

[Langston Kerman]

You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow YMama told Me and subscribe to our channel.

[David Borie]

Get a full body reset anywhere you go with Dr. Teals magnesium spray. It's a concentrated magnesium blend of pure Epsom and Dead Sea salts all bundled up in a convenient on the go bottle. A few quick sprays will relax your body and mind and keep you feeling recharged all day long. It's wellness you can feel and you can find it in your local bath aisle. Dr. Teals Yep, you needed that.

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Langston Kerman]

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