Jesus is Magic (with Sam Jay + Keith Johnson)

Summary

Podcast Summary: My Momma Told Me

Episode: MMTM - Sam Jay + Keith Johnson
Date: May 19, 2026
Host(s): Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Guests: Sam Jay, Keith Johnson
Main Theme:
A hilarious and candid exploration of Black conspiracy theories—especially the notion that “Jesus is magic”—blended with personal stories about faith, Black community, and critiques of religious literalism. The conversation detours through pop culture, Black church experiences, boat etiquette, fashion as you age, and the idea that society's need for "magic" (in religion and elsewhere) can be both comforting and dangerous.

---

Episode Overview

The episode dives into the Black cultural mythos surrounding the "magic" of Jesus as presented in church doctrine and scripture. Sam Jay brings forward a provocative conspiracy: “My mama told me Jesus is magic,” prompting a discussion on biblical literalism, allegory, and the psychological and social impacts of magical thinking in faith communities.

The group's signature irreverence, rapid-fire banter, and willingness to chase wild analogies makes for an episode that’s as thought-provoking as it is uproariously funny. Guests swap personal anecdotes, call out each other's quirks, and roast everything from Michael Jackson’s video game with masculinity to the internal politics of Black church fashion and who’s got the best boat game.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The “Jesus Is Magic” Conspiracy

Main topic introduced by Sam Jay

• Sam reflects on her recent return to church and being struck by the persistence of “magic” stories (miracles) in the teachings.

  • "When are we gonna stop with all the magic stuff in the Bible?" (Sam Jay, 13:43)
  • Calls for leaving “the water into wine, one bread for 80 loaves, all this, it's like—come on, now." (13:43)
  • She values the Bible’s moral lessons but is skeptical of focusing on literal miracles instead of what’s achievable by humans.

• Langston and David discuss allegory vs. literalism:

  • Langston suggests the Bible “is best served as an allegory.” (16:02)
  • David argues people crave magic and “blind faith,” saying, “Magical thinking is how you get people on board.” (16:26)
  • Sam’s point: “Why can’t [Jesus] just be a guy who does good, and you can be just a guy that does good?” (20:16)
  • Discussion of why magic persists: it’s comforting, creates a sense of superiority or belonging, and is an essential feature for many.

2. The Community and Theatre of Black Church

• Sam and David talk about how, in Black church, “magic” is an expectation—pastors don’t “show the magic” anymore.
  • "If the pastor was in the church recreating this magic...I get this. But he don't got it." (21:18)
  • African churches are cited as being more demonstrative—at least performing “superpowers.” (22:05)
  • Langston notes, “Black people love magic...the best magic shows I’ve ever attended have been Black audiences.” (23:45)
  • There’s lament: Christianity stripped of magic is less fun, and maybe less effective at community-building.

3. Comedy Bits and Personal Stories

• Opening Michael Jackson/Chris Tucker/“Rock My World” riff. Sam: “He never looks comfortable in those situations. Even with Lisa Marie Presley…” (04:43)
• Hilarious side story about a college roommate dubbed “Stuart Minkus” who flaunted his sexual conquests (06:05–07:59)
• Group banter about how friends try to impress or over-perform for women, and a detour into the nuanced politics of hand-holding down the dorm hallway.

4. On White Boys, Boats, and Whiteness

• Sam breaks down her fascination with “pristine” white boy culture—a nostalgia for ‘80s California/Abercrombie whiteness.

  • "If I'm gonna see white people, I wanna see them raw and rotten...otherwise, what was this all for?" (36:03–36:35, Langston)
  • Sam: “I want a New England [white]...have a sweater tied around your neck.” (36:56)
  • Extended section about why certain kinds of white people gross the guests out, and how geography shapes those encounters (Boston, Chicago, the South).

• Boats as a recurring analogy for class and race:

  • “Everybody’s great on boats.” (41:29, Langston)
  • Distinction between the positive vibe on boats and the trauma of ships for Black communities (“Let’s separate. Ships and boats are different.” 42:41)

5. Deconstructing Magic and Faith

• Going further, the group questions why no new miracle-workers have arisen; why church leaders aren't expected to show supernatural proof (17:31, 23:33)

• Keith Johnson introduces a comedic theory that maybe Jesus had a foot fetish due to his prodigious feet-washing exploits (45:15 and following).

  • “...He cured one leper...turned water into wine one time. But he was washing them feet everywhere.” (45:49)
  • Extended riff imagining lines of followers eager for a magical pedicure.

• The “danger” of magical thinking:

  • Sam notes that magic stories allow for exploitation—“you can wield [Christianity] for so much good and bad” (49:33)
  • Modern cult leaders exploit the congregational yearning for magic. If we accepted “Jesus was just a good dude,” it would be easier to spot frauds and predators. (50:08–51:01)
  • David: “We need magic.” (50:32) Sam: “It breaks us.” (50:33)

6. Fashion, Aging, and Vulnerability

• Listener voicemail segment leads to a candid conversation about fashion as you age, especially for Black folk and queer folks. (57:02–60:44)
  • “You can’t be over 40 out here with tricky pants.” (58:29, Sam)
  • Nostalgia for simpler, timeless looks; the perils of excessive “zippers”; pressure not to “age out” of coolness.

7. Listener Conspiracy: Vapes as Government Propaganda

Voicemail query: “Are vapes conditioning us to enjoy sucking robot dick?” (56:32, Listener Caller)

• The group breaks it down with characteristic irreverence.
  • Sam: “This is assuming the world is completely heteronormative—she took a leap I never would take.” (63:36)
  • Langston: “Sometimes I’ll eat some robot coochie...delicious.” (63:46)
  • Jokes about the dystopian future, sex robots, and who’s willing to serve “if the robots can feel it.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On faith & magic:

  • “There’s good word, and it’s just like...ways we should live, ways we should treat people. But we don’t have to go as far as saying this n**** made 50 bread loaves.”
    — Sam Jay (14:14)
  • “If we don’t call it magic, I think it’s more attainable, too. Maybe we’re living in a better world if it was just: ‘Hey, this is just a guy who did good, and you can be just a guy that does good.’”
    — Sam Jay (20:37)
  • “I’m not giving 10% to not magic.”
    — Langston Kerman (16:34)

• On Black church performance:

  • “Pastors got lazy. Like, they’re not even, like, showing me magic.”
    — Sam Jay (23:30)
  • “We keep [white producers] at attention and always thank our whites afterwards.”
    — Langston Kerman (09:30)

• On fashion as you age:

  • “Once you’re over 40, get the stuff off your pants. You can’t have all that crazy sparkles, zippers, no more moves.”
    — Sam Jay (58:41)

• On white people:

  • “Boston is like the OG Whites, though. That’s...straight from the boat. That’s the Africa. That’s OG White.”
    — Keith Johnson (40:48)
  • “I love whites on the water. Love them when they’re near some water. Some wine. Oysters.”
    — Sam Jay (41:22)

• On Jesus' foot-washing:

  • “He was washing them feet everywhere he went. He has lines everywhere he went and he was washing the feet.”
    — Sam Jay (45:49)

• Memorable banter:

  • “You guys are just my friends.”
    — Sam Jay (29:33)
  • “I want to believe in the idea. Otherwise they fall for shit.”
    — David Gborie (36:20)
  • “Let’s separate. Ships and boats are different.”
    — Sam Jay (42:41)

---

Important Timestamps

• [13:43] — Sam Jay introduces “Jesus is magic” conspiracy.
• [16:02–16:40] — Debate over allegory vs. literal interpretation; need for magic in religion.
• [21:18] — Why aren’t pastors performing miracles?
• [22:05] — “At least in African church, they be trying, like, knock the hoe out of a bitch or fix someone’s leg.”
• [23:45] — “Best magic shows I’ve ever attended have been Black audiences.”
• [36:03–36:56] — Preference for “pristine” vs. “raw and rotten” whiteness.
• [45:15–45:59] — Jesus’ foot fetish theory.
• [49:33–50:33] — Magical thinking in religion is both comforting and dangerous; enables exploitation.
• [57:02–60:44] — Fashion and vulnerability for aging Black folks.
• [56:32–65:04] — Listener conspiracy: vapes as robot dick propaganda; group riff on dystopian future.
• [13:58] & [61:55] — Numerous callbacks and running gags; examples of excellent comedic chemistry.

---

Tone and Atmosphere

• Conversational, irreverent, and confessional.
• Honest about faith and skepticism, but always comedic; no direct attacks, just witty critique.
• Plenty of running jokes, e.g., the extent of Sam Jay’s “commanding presence” over male friends, and the recurring roast that “you’re just my friend.”

---

Conclusion

This episode foregrounds a timely meta-discussion about faith, collective delusion, and why societies (especially marginalized ones) might need “magic” as a source of hope or cohesion. Through a blend of roast-style comedy, nostalgia, and sociological insight, the group interrogates how the magical content of religion both uplifts and exploits.

If you’re new to “My Momma Told Me,” this episode is a perfect primer on its mix of Black cultural deep-dives, biting satire, and wild flights of associative logic.

---

Where to Find the Guests

• Sam Jay: @samjaycomic (Twitter and Instagram)
• Keith Johnson: @KeithJohnsonHQ (Truth Social, as a joke)
• Langston Kerman: @LangstonKerman (all platforms)
• David Gborie: @CoolGuyJokes87 (Instagram)

Listener Participation

• Email: [e-mail]
• Voicemail: 844-LIL-MOMS

---

Transcript

[Sam Jay]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

Guaranteed Human Amazon Health AI presents painful

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

thoughts I I can't stop scratching my downtown. Mm, yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

There's no question too embarrassing for Amazon Health AI. Chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Starbucks Announcer]

What's up, y'?

[David Bore]

All?

[Starbucks Announcer]

Summer's got a different tempo. Everything's a little looser, brighter. One plan turns into another. You hear something, you stay a little longer. Next thing you know, you're somewhere you didn't plan to be. It's those in between moments. That's where the ideas hit. Conversations stretch out. Little memories sneak up on you. Sometimes it's just about what's in your hand. That color.

[David Bore]

That chill.

[Starbucks Announcer]

The new Tropical Butterfly Refresher from Starbucks. Guava and passion fruit flavors with mango pineapple flavored pearls. Yeah, that feels like summer before you even taste it. Funny how one small stop becomes the best part of the day. Start your summer rhythm with Starbucks. Try the new Tropical Butterfly Refresher from Starbucks.

[Pets Best Insurance Announcer]

Protect your pet with insurance from Pets Best plans start from less than a dollar a day. Visit petsbest.com Pet insurance products offered and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC or underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company or Independence American Insurance Company for terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com. policy products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Company or Ms. Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC. $1.00 a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and illness plans. Pets Age 0 to 10 hey everyone, it's Kalpen.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

I'm inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with my podcast, Hearsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. Every episode, I nerd out with amazing guests and dive into the best new audiobooks available on Audible. It's the book club for your ears. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Sam Jay]

Because this is my podcast episode. I'd like for Keith to be here, but to never mention who he is, what he does. And also we this is insane. He's just here.

[David Bore]

This is a humiliation.

[Sam Jay]

Richard. This is here. This is here.

[Keith Johnson]

I got a whisper.

[Sam Jay]

We don't introduce him.

[Keith Johnson]

Powerful.

[Sam Jay]

We don't introduce him.

[Keith Johnson]

I thought I had a seat at the table.

[David Bore]

I hope you get some royal boss blue after this.

[Keith Johnson]

Got it under. You got to cuz Sam going have

[Langston Kerman]

the other side yanking.

[Keith Johnson]

She be ying me up, bro.

[David Bore]

The government growing babies microchips in your babies. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Marsh invented turkey stuffing. Y' all can't tell me nothing. Capital.

[Langston Kerman]

That girl. Oh, man. Welcome, little mamas and gentiles alike, to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told

[David Bore]

Me where we dive deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories. What were you doing that.

[Langston Kerman]

Remember at the beginning of. Of that Michael Jackson video where Chris Stalker's in it and he goes, that girl.

[David Bore]

Oh, rock my world.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, man, that girl is fine, man. Mike, I know you can't get that girl, Chris. I can get that girl, Mike.

[David Bore]

You can't get that girl. Have you, Chris.

[Langston Kerman]

Chris watch me get this girl. And then he goes and he gets the girl. But he's the gayest he's ever been.

[David Bore]

Yeah, he was tough at getting girls in videos, bro. He was tough at getting girls in videos.

[Langston Kerman]

He couldn't get that girl if he tried.

[David Bore]

That's what he said.

[Langston Kerman]

And y' all can jump in at any time.

[Keith Johnson]

You don't have to stay of where they had to edit out the in between of Mike getting the girl and

[Langston Kerman]

Mike talking to her, the negotiations they had to make with the girl to even be got by Mike.

[David Bore]

Well, I think that. I don't think it was that. I think she thought that he was in. Into it. I don't think they were having a tough time.

[Sam Jay]

He never looks comfortable in those, like, situations. Even when they had the video with Lisa. What was it? Lisa? Marie Presley.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

He was, like, kissing on her and stuff. It was still kind of like the

[Langston Kerman]

Naomi we've talked about.

[David Bore]

Keep it in the closet. Keep it in the closet. It's crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

Keep it in the Closet is one of the harder watches I've ever had, because I've never been more attracted to Naomi Campbell than in that video. I'm like, that's her at her status. That's it. And then here come Mike getting in the way the whole time.

[David Bore]

Also, monochromat.

[Langston Kerman]

You just watching a weird dude try to get pussy, and it sucks.

[David Bore]

That is a fun thing to watch, though. A weird guy try to get pussy. That's like, some of the greatest things,

[Sam Jay]

but not that kind of weird, I don't think.

[David Bore]

Yeah, he's weird as coming from a strange place.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, it's not like, oh, like, we watching, like, Neil DeGrasse Tyson or something. Trying to get some ass to be entertaining. Yeah, but it's like his body weird. The way he move weird. He like translucent.

[David Bore]

He's over performing for the women. Which I think we all had a friend like that in high school. Who was just like. Like, you don't have to convince me, man. Yeah, I don't think you know what I mean.

[Langston Kerman]

In college we could just.

[David Bore]

We should just get a beer, man. Let's get to know each other. It doesn't all have to be that.

[Keith Johnson]

You drop the ego.

[Langston Kerman]

In college we lived. We lived down the hall. I lived down the hall from this kid who we had deemed Stuart Minkus. Because he looked just like fucking Stuart

[David Bore]

Minkus from Boy Meets World.

[Langston Kerman]

From Boy Meets World.

[David Bore]

The super blonde.

[Langston Kerman]

And he was a dork, man. Truly. Like a dork. Dork, dork. But every night he would bring this big girl back with him.

[Sam Jay]

Like real big.

[Langston Kerman]

Pretty big. Let's go.

[David Bore]

Let's go.

[Langston Kerman]

Pretty big girl.

[David Bore]

Big and tall.

[Langston Kerman]

Bigger than him.

[David Bore]

Let's go, Meekus.

[Langston Kerman]

And he would walk her down the hall. Like he had the baddest bitch in the land.

[Sam Jay]

That's what's happening.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

That's how you have to live.

[Langston Kerman]

He would hold her hand and he make hard eye contact with motherfuckers he hadn't even spoken to yet.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Just to let them know. I got one.

[Sam Jay]

What was that movie where they went on like the college road trip. And then they stop at the black frat house. And then they didn't know.

[Langston Kerman]

Road trip.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Black lady. Kind of like that vibe.

[David Bore]

Yes.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

100%.

[Sam Jay]

That's a good vibe.

[Langston Kerman]

DJ Qualz.

[David Bore]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Behavior absolutely hard chested, brother. He ain't did a push up yet.

[David Bore]

Hollow bones.

[Langston Kerman]

And that was it. That was his shit.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

So he would. He would fuck her. And he would make a point of fucking her. He wanted everybody to know that we was in town. And then afterwards, because you know, all the bathrooms are in. We share it in the hallway. Afterwards, he come out in his drawers. And he walk himself to the bathroom. And he'd leave the door open.

[Sam Jay]

So that smelling like fat girl puss, man.

[David Bore]

Where's he at?

[Sam Jay]

Go crazy.

[David Bore]

Where's he at?

[Langston Kerman]

In Trump's cabinet, I bet.

[Keith Johnson]

That's all.

[Langston Kerman]

A dastardly person, man. He stood on it. He really had it.

[Sam Jay]

Shout out to him.

[Langston Kerman]

Shout out to Stuart Minkus. I hope you're well. I hope that big girl's doing fine. I wish. Nothing but the best for y'.

[Sam Jay]

All.

[Langston Kerman]

Our guest today yeah.

[David Bore]

We fucked the intro up, but that's okay. That Minka story was worth it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I think so.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Our guest today.

[Keith Johnson]

I was in it. I felt like I was watching it.

[Langston Kerman]

We're glad it passed your test.

[Keith Johnson]

I was in the moment. I was present. I was engaged.

[Sam Jay]

I experienced this in no time. I have an opinion.

[Langston Kerman]

I guess today we're so happy they're here. My God, It's. It's been since the beginning of the podcast. Literally. Literally. You were one of our. Our first, like, five, I think, or something like that.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

And. And you're back.

[Sam Jay]

And I'm back.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm back.

[Sam Jay]

You guys are better.

[Langston Kerman]

We're. We're better. There's two of us now.

[Sam Jay]

Look at. There's two of you guys. There's set. This shit is fire. I'm like, really thrilled to be here.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, it's a phenomenal space.

[David Bore]

No, We've come a long way.

[Langston Kerman]

It's a phenomenal collection, truly. We live like Emperor Sam.

[Sam Jay]

I like it.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Let's see what's going on. There's cold beer in the fridge.

[David Bore]

Come on. Small kingdoms.

[Sam Jay]

There's water. There's snacks.

[Langston Kerman]

There are snacks.

[Sam Jay]

This is very. It's a very good setup.

[Langston Kerman]

We do have a limit out there, so don't go crazy.

[Sam Jay]

We added a guest and people got right to it.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah, that was a quick turnaround.

[David Bore]

Look at that. Cause we got pool.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, you had a lot of. You had a lot of whites in here. Hopping to it. Come on.

[David Bore]

We keep them at attention.

[Langston Kerman]

And we thank those whites getting it done. We always thank our whites afterwards. Our guest today is one of my favorite comedians. Your favorite comedians in the world. Motherfucking pause with Sam J. Motherfucking bust down snl. You know her from all the shit. She is currently touring a goddamn new hour that you need to see. Motherfuckers. Go ahead and check her. Dear friend Sam J.

[Keith Johnson]

How the is you gonna tell me

[David Bore]

about the shit you ain't never seen? Bitch ass nigga. You can mess me with the whole ass Shenanigans. My nigga.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's if you don't know who this is.

[Sam Jay]

Right?

[Keith Johnson]

Exactly.

[Sam Jay]

That cleared it up.

[David Bore]

Exactly.

[Sam Jay]

Cleared it up. I'd like to add that I am a. A Emmy nominated writer.

[David Bore]

Let's go.

[Langston Kerman]

And I don't type.

[David Bore]

She's bringing it back. We can talk about the typing.

[Keith Johnson]

Like Jay Z with.

[David Bore]

Bro.

[Sam Jay]

You can't just do that. You can't just.

[David Bore]

If you're going to sit here, I'm

[Keith Johnson]

just throwing it out there, bro.

[David Bore]

That boy good.

[Keith Johnson]

I seen a couple with some on the spot. She dropped a new 30 off. Rip off his own bro. Off the brain, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

Apparently, Split Star is here. This dressed like that.

[Keith Johnson]

Did you double trouble, bro? That one two punch.

[David Bore]

He said.

[Langston Kerman]

Sam, Sam, you gonna wear your chain out or in on this?

[Keith Johnson]

We the Lucas brothers. We the new Lucas brothers, bro. The Johnsons, bro.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

I hate this.

[Sam Jay]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Keith Johnson]

The Johnsons, bro. The Johnsons, bros.

[David Bore]

This never occurred to me either. One time. I never thought about it.

[Langston Kerman]

One time. Y' all niggas shouldn't even be together, bro.

[David Bore]

Wow.

[Keith Johnson]

Destiny brought us together. That's what it is, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

This is a terrible match. This is like. A lot of slave owners worked really hard to separate your bloodline.

[David Bore]

Oh, man.

[Langston Kerman]

Do you know what I mean?

[David Bore]

It was arguably the point of the new world was to make sure this doesn't happen.

[Langston Kerman]

We want to spread them Johnsons out.

[Keith Johnson]

I got it.

[Langston Kerman]

They get one family reunion. That's it.

[Sam Jay]

Look. Look at this. Beautiful.

[David Bore]

It's beautiful.

[Langston Kerman]

Sam, you came to us today with a conspiracy theory that I couldn't be more excited about.

[David Bore]

Yeah. As soon as I saw it, I

[Langston Kerman]

was like, this is really.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah. I've been thinking maybe I shouldn't do it since I sent it.

[David Bore]

Yeah, that's the best episode. That's the best episode.

[Sam Jay]

But I'm like, hey, we're here. Let's go.

[Langston Kerman]

I want them to know this is you and you al.

[Sam Jay]

You laugh.

[Langston Kerman]

I love it. I'm so excited. I'm poisonous as well.

[Sam Jay]

Great.

[Langston Kerman]

You said, my mama told me Jesus is magic.

[David Bore]

Didn't even hit it.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, press the button now, though.

[Keith Johnson]

You let it sit,

[David Bore]

man. It's funny, man. This is. I'm a comedian.

[Langston Kerman]

That one sucked.

[David Bore]

Yeah, it was really bad that I didn't like that.

[Sam Jay]

That sucked.

[Langston Kerman]

Let's just go to you.

[David Bore]

All right, Just start.

[Sam Jay]

Can y' all put a. Put a little something in post?

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Can y' all get me in post?

[David Bore]

It's gonna be crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

We're gonna keep me saying it sucked, too, though.

[David Bore]

Yeah. It'll be complicated.

[Langston Kerman]

It's gonna be real compl.

[Sam Jay]

No, no. Damn.

[David Bore]

That hurt my feelings.

[Keith Johnson]

Like, 30 seconds of silence and then another. Just a chunk. You could say that was really, like, the premier pros.

[Sam Jay]

You guys are magic. All right.

[Langston Kerman]

You said Jesus. My mama told me Jesus was magic.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, basically. Basically. No, I just was. I was thinking about it, like, bro, when we. I've been going to church lately, so I go to church on the weekends. And I do appreciate hearing. Yeah, I do appreciate hearing the good word. But I'm like, when are we gonna stop with all the magic stuff in the Bible? Like the water into wine. There's one loaf of bread to 80 loaves. All this. It's like, come on, now.

[David Bore]

You don't like that?

[Sam Jay]

Come on, now.

[Langston Kerman]

You don't like the wizardry?

[David Bore]

I think that's the funnest part of the Bible.

[Sam Jay]

There's good word, and it's just like, hey, there's just ways we should live, ways we should treat people. So I get the story. Like, Jesus would touch the leper and not be mean to the leper. And it's like, yeah, that's good. Don't be mean to someone. Cause they got a disease. That's not nice. But we don't have to go as far as, say, this nigga made 50 bread loaves.

[David Bore]

Right? I'm gonna say it's crazy that that's where you get off. Cause the coming back from the dead thing is maybe the big magic.

[Sam Jay]

I mean, I'm saying this all lives in the magic.

[Keith Johnson]

That's what it is. I didn't even think of that part.

[Sam Jay]

I'm saying this all lives in the mag. Magic of it.

[David Bore]

Right, right, right.

[Sam Jay]

But also, to me, a little bit more believable. If I believe in, you're the son of God and there was this purpose for you to sacrifice your life and all that, it's a little bit more believable to me that God would rise you from the dead.

[Langston Kerman]

I never.

[Sam Jay]

There is, like, niggas out here making 100 subs out of one sub. Just.

[Langston Kerman]

I never took.

[Sam Jay]

Just for the sake of. It wasn't to feed the starving either. It was like, there's a party. We just want more shit here.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Which is. I think that Jesus was into doing personable acts. I think that's a very personable act. Even, like, the water and the wine was just a wedding, right?

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, it was.

[David Bore]

It was a wedding. And he was like.

[Sam Jay]

And they was like, we out.

[Langston Kerman]

We were partying that night.

[Keith Johnson]

All right.

[David Bore]

We're doing the Cedric joke.

[Langston Kerman]

But no, but we were partying that night, and he made water feel like wine.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Does it feel like. Or turned into wine?

[David Bore]

I think he turned it into wine.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm saying that literally, the Bible, if you treat it more as an allegory, he made an evening that otherwise didn't have resources. Feel like it had resources.

[David Bore]

I've done that.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah. So you're saying. You're saying not to take this literally.

[Langston Kerman]

I think the Bible is best served as an allegory.

[Sam Jay]

So that's my point. My point is, if we are thinking in that way, then why don't we say it in that way?

[Langston Kerman]

Because people do.

[Sam Jay]

You get what I'm saying? That's not how it's saying. How you presenting it is not how it's being said. How it's being said in a church is he turned water into wine.

[David Bore]

But that's for you. That's for. You can handle that. I think people want blind faith in magic.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

I think magical thinking is like, how you get people on board. I think it's Trump being like, I could beat anybody up. It's like, you need that magic.

[Langston Kerman]

I do agree. I think I'm not giving 10% to not magic.

[David Bore]

Oh, you think if they. If they stated it plainly, you're like,

[Sam Jay]

I can't even get magic. Because that's a lesson. You can. I can achieve that anywhere, and I can achieve that. I don't know magic and what they're saying selling is something beyond what's achievable by man. That's what I'm saying. So that's what I'm saying, like the Bible and at least what they're teaching. Church is not what you're saying. They're saying Jesus is beyond man. He has powers beyond our powers.

[David Bore]

He's God.

[Sam Jay]

He can take this, make 80 Coronas right now by touching it and saying 80 Coronas. If that's what I'm gonna need more coronas.

[David Bore]

I'm gonna need more coronas for my wedding. It's a light. Light beer is what I'm saying. California's hot.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm taking down 12 on my own. I'm good.

[David Bore]

Six hours. We got it till midnight. 30 of those is me.

[Sam Jay]

And I just want us to grow up. Let's just grow up. Gut out.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, Gut out now.

[David Bore]

I. No, you go.

[Langston Kerman]

No, please. No.

[David Bore]

We're very excited. We're all very excited. I'm still reeling from the soundboard.

[Langston Kerman]

Are you taking this to the streets? Are you passionate about this to the point that you are going up to aunties of different ilk?

[Sam Jay]

I mean, if they come to me with this, like, if they coming to me on some. Like, this is what it is. Like, come on, guys, let's be grownups. It's fine for the kids. It's fine for the kids.

[David Bore]

It's Santa Claus.

[Sam Jay]

It's fine for the kids. Let's be fucking adults.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

We pay bills.

[Langston Kerman]

We ultimately are counting on this church for community, right? This is about building true community of like minded people who can move in a positive direction. Yes.

[Sam Jay]

The code of conduct to be good to your fellow man and just like, do good.

[David Bore]

It's not enough.

[Langston Kerman]

You need more.

[Sam Jay]

Do more good in the world than you need fireworks. But this is what's crazy. Nobody has done none of this shit since. So y' all are really holding your dick forever?

[David Bore]

You're saying y' all like, it's me,

[Sam Jay]

y' all holding your dick? Cause you believe in the magic, y'.

[David Bore]

All. Whoa.

[Keith Johnson]

I know why you believed in that.

[Langston Kerman]

I think he's supporting the.

[David Bore]

I'm supporting shenanigans.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Okay.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah. All right.

[David Bore]

Yeah, I just like to party.

[Sam Jay]

I think he's a.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll be honest.

[David Bore]

I think he's.

[Langston Kerman]

He's more on the devil's side.

[David Bore]

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Sam Jay]

So then it's like. But yeah, it's like, we haven't seen anything like this since. There's been no reports of no more superbred people or water the wine people.

[David Bore]

Right?

[Sam Jay]

So you're. You hold on. For centuries upon centuries now, people are like, when he come back, he gonna, you know, he gonna David Blaine us and give us all the magic we've been waiting for. And it's like, cut it out, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

You have a Muslim approach to Jesus, because if within the Quran, I'm just a man of multiple. I understand.

[Langston Kerman]

I've always heard, I'm gonna open up

[David Bore]

my body to you.

[Keith Johnson]

Listen, acknowledge Jesus as a prophet. But he's like, he's not. He's not like going crazy. But he was a good dude. They acknowledged him.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that's my thing.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah. So you're seeing him like that.

[Sam Jay]

That's my thing. I'm like, why can't we believe like this? There was just a really good guy out there that was going place to place, doing good work. And like, maybe he did get more bread, but he didn't like magic bread. Maybe he just was like, yo, y' all out of bread. I know where to go get some.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I actually.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, man.

[Keith Johnson]

I connected the dots.

[Langston Kerman]

He connected the dots about a loaf and a half in the trunk. I think if we split it right.

[David Bore]

Everybody does get a little silver when

[Keith Johnson]

they cut the Jersey. Bite sandwich a little.

[David Bore]

Cut it with that fish. Now we got double fish, right? Where are we going?

[Keith Johnson]

Two to four.

[Sam Jay]

Why can't he just be this guy? He's.

[Keith Johnson]

Jeezy, bro.

[Sam Jay]

Why does Christianity need the Disney?

[Langston Kerman]

I do think it's Sad that we just have run. We're missing out on a fun guy. It could have just been a really awesome guy.

[David Bore]

You think he's more fun? If we acknowledge that it was magic.

[Langston Kerman]

If we don't call it magic, I

[Sam Jay]

think it's more attainable too. Like, maybe we're living in a better world. If it was like, hey, this is just a guy who did good, and you can be just a guy that does good.

[Keith Johnson]

That's the bare minimum world.

[Sam Jay]

But nah, like, this is the son of God, and he got magic, so you'll never be that. So you don't stupid plea come give me 10% so I could just make you feel a little bit of that. You know what I mean? It's like we might be making better people. If you are approaching it in this way.

[David Bore]

I think so. But I think for what it has been built, people love that magic. That's what they're going for. They're going for magic and superiority. Like, that's like a lot. I know the right kind of magic. I'm better than you. That's like.

[Sam Jay]

What I'm saying is we are not. Now, if the pastor was in the church recreating this magic, if he was like, yo, cause I'm so close to God, I also know how to flip the magic. And every time you went to church on Sunday, he hit you with a little magic.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

I'd be like, oh, I get this. But this nigga, a, he don't got it, so he's just telling you.

[Langston Kerman]

And of course, Winston, there is a bird in your pocket. Go ahead and look in your pocket, brother.

[David Bore]

Other that you got for her today.

[Langston Kerman]

Y' all have a good night.

[Sam Jay]

That's where sometimes.

[Langston Kerman]

Open it up.

[Sam Jay]

There's a white dove that's worth sometimes. You know what I'm saying?

[David Bore]

Some guys are trying for that, but

[Sam Jay]

at least in African church, at least they be trying exactly what I was. They'll smack the hoe out a bitch.

[David Bore]

I don't know. I don't know what's going on in there. I don't know if magic's the word. Something crazy happens every Sunday.

[Sam Jay]

But they at least know we're selling superpowers here 100%. So we better knock the hoe out of a person or fix a person's leg or something.

[Langston Kerman]

The way they touch those people, they sell, bro.

[David Bore]

It's like I had got down bad sick when I was in Africa, and they believe in it. Like, man, like, my aunt, like, she pushed the Bible on my head to Pray for. And she's, like, mushing my head, and she's like. And Papa, Papa God, Jesus, like, going like. And I'm like, this isn't.

[Sam Jay]

Did you. Did you just curse us?

[David Bore]

Did I? Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

What was the first part of that?

[David Bore]

She said they used to call him Papa God. No.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I didn't follow it either, but I wasn't gonna stop it.

[David Bore]

No, no. You gotta let it just go.

[Keith Johnson]

I didn't know what was happening.

[David Bore]

The point is that they're performing it in, like, a different way where I'm like, that's like the belief level you need.

[Sam Jay]

That's what I'm.

[David Bore]

That's like. You need to believe in it.

[Sam Jay]

Like, we're getting in America, especially in black church right now, it's just like a nigga in Gucci being like, you

[Langston Kerman]

know what it is?

[Sam Jay]

Would you like to have Gucci? You know what I mean?

[David Bore]

I think the pastors got lazy and they got lazy.

[Sam Jay]

Like, they're not even, like, showing me magic.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah. You can't even flip.

[Sam Jay]

So you want me to buy into the old magic. You want me to buy into the fact that you're the closest I can get. Get to the magic guy. But you ain't giving me no magic.

[Langston Kerman]

I do think it's a bummer, too, because black people love magic. I think we are big supporters of magic. I've never. The best magic shows I've ever attended have been black audiences or audience members in the. I think we fuck with it. And it's a shame that we separated Christianity from the magic.

[David Bore]

You think that's when the schism started, when we said. Said, these are the magicians, these are the pastors.

[Langston Kerman]

And I. I wonder how much of that wasn't the hand of a. Of a mean white man.

[David Bore]

Word.

[Sam Jay]

Because we need Matt Richards to be a pastor.

[David Bore]

Let's go. Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Full magic pastor.

[Langston Kerman]

Hanging him over the Hudson.

[Keith Johnson]

Magicians try to do comedy. They should be.

[Sam Jay]

Have you ever been magic by Matt?

[Langston Kerman]

I. I have seen it happen. He hasn't magic.

[David Bore]

I've just seen it.

[Langston Kerman]

He.

[Sam Jay]

He really.

[Langston Kerman]

He does this shit, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

He will, like, crazy. Like, he'll be like, think of the name of the girl you liked in second grade, and he'll write that shit up.

[David Bore]

And it would be right.

[Sam Jay]

I've seen this man be right.

[David Bore]

What do you think it is?

[Sam Jay]

Several times.

[David Bore]

He's Jesus.

[Keith Johnson]

No, no, it is God.

[Sam Jay]

He's Jesus. Okay.

[David Bore]

That's where I'm trying to get to. So, like, you think there are practitioners of Jesus and those are the real magicians. And it's like the voice is wrong right now.

[Sam Jay]

If I'm going to give tithes and you gonna tell me about magic, show me some magic. And we should be letting these magic dudes in the church, because whatever it is that he's doing, I'm not gonna say it's Jesus, but I'm saying it's enough for me to believe the rest of the shit.

[David Bore]

Right, right, Right. It's more convincing than just yelling at me.

[Sam Jay]

Just yelling at me and being like, yo, you'll never be as cool as that guy who did all that magic a long, long time ago.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

And I don't even do magic, but I'm yelling at you.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah. And I don't even Got nothing magical for you.

[Langston Kerman]

And not for nothing. I've seen Matt in non magical states be magic. And that is. That is crazy.

[Sam Jay]

He'll be magic with nothing.

[Langston Kerman]

And he'll be magic.

[Sam Jay]

He won't even come with magic stuff.

[Langston Kerman]

He'll be magic. He'll just be magic drunk. He can be drunk.

[Sam Jay]

He can be drunk and do magic.

[Langston Kerman]

Do magic and you still can't see whatever the fuck you guys.

[David Bore]

No. Jesus didn't even do that.

[Keith Johnson]

Nah, he didn't. He didn't do three.

[Langston Kerman]

He needed you to drink some water first,

[David Bore]

bro.

[Keith Johnson]

Had one show every four.

[Sam Jay]

You really start counting up these miracles. You're like, this did five things.

[Langston Kerman]

Jesus ain't got enough albums to really be. Shout out to the typers. If the Bible teaches us anything. Shout out to the typers.

[Keith Johnson]

Be a typer, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

Be a typer.

[David Bore]

They shall inherit the earth

[Langston Kerman]

and we, we should.

[Keith Johnson]

Blessed are the typers.

[Langston Kerman]

We work the hardest.

[Keith Johnson]

So you were. She made you the cuz. This is what she's doing to me currently.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Oh, you want to relive the trauma.

[Langston Kerman]

We don't have to relive the trauma.

[Keith Johnson]

I'm posting. I'm pre and post. Damn.

[Sam Jay]

Now, first of all, everybody calm the fuck down.

[Keith Johnson]

Hyper editor.

[Sam Jay]

I didn't make Lex anything. I asked him to be a head writer of my show.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, no. And I don't resent that part.

[David Bore]

I'm very grateful for.

[Sam Jay]

Gave him a job and money.

[Keith Johnson]

So you paying the type.

[Langston Kerman]

This was meant to be purely shenanigans. You're trying to make this.

[David Bore]

I'm actually.

[Langston Kerman]

You're trying to make this some exclusive.

[Keith Johnson]

Wait, wait. Can we talk about the.

[David Bore]

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is why he tried to get on Joy. Whatever.

[Langston Kerman]

You got to unpack, brother.

[Keith Johnson]

I was in Your let me on, let me on. I had to pull up like Mario on this joint.

[Langston Kerman]

Keep trying to hold my hand and shit.

[David Bore]

Get off me.

[Langston Kerman]

I got a house.

[Keith Johnson]

Lacey was silent. I was silenced. That's the difference, bruh.

[Langston Kerman]

Beautifully said, Sam.

[Keith Johnson]

I'm sorry we had to end on a button. That was a good button.

[David Bore]

It'd probably get cut out.

[Sam Jay]

He always thinks he's contributing so much.

[Keith Johnson]

I derailed the whole conversation. Now we gotta get back in. I'm sorry.

[Sam Jay]

We can't use that.

[David Bore]

This is a complicated. Yeah, this is complicated.

[Langston Kerman]

It's quite a dance.

[Sam Jay]

This.

[David Bore]

Yeah. You be really. You really have a control over men that I feel like you don't acknowledge a lot.

[Sam Jay]

That's crazy to say.

[David Bore]

No. Last time I was with you, you had a white guy from Boston.

[Keith Johnson]

Ooh.

[Sam Jay]

First of all, I didn't have him.

[David Bore]

Yes, yes, you had him.

[Keith Johnson]

You had him.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, he's a friend of mine, but you had him. I didn't have him. Come on. He's a sweet boy.

[David Bore]

We're all hanging out.

[Sam Jay]

He's a sweet boy.

[David Bore]

You had him. And it was cool. I thought it was cool.

[Sam Jay]

I did not have him. You had him. This is crazy.

[David Bore]

You had him.

[Sam Jay]

You're gonna have to fix this. Go for it.

[David Bore]

You don't feel you?

[Sam Jay]

I did not have him. He was just my friend. We were just hanging out, playing darts.

[Keith Johnson]

Wait, Am I the new white boy?

[David Bore]

Brother, I don't know what's going on with you.

[Keith Johnson]

I better not be be. I swear to God. No.

[David Bore]

You're like the moon. You got you bringing in tides, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say. I will say the 50.

[Keith Johnson]

Fuck it. That's what they.

[Sam Jay]

Wow.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say that you have maintained a command long and strong and proud.

[David Bore]

Okay, don't make me feel crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

An army of men. How do you serve at your leisure?

[Sam Jay]

That is is absolutely not sure.

[David Bore]

That is absolutely not.

[Langston Kerman]

Your boy Haram is strong and I'm

[David Bore]

proud to have served.

[Sam Jay]

You guys are just my friends.

[Langston Kerman]

In the army of Sam J.

[Sam Jay]

You guys are just my friends.

[Keith Johnson]

That's a four star general. That's a four star general dot.

[David Bore]

My captain.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll stand behind you forever and all.

[Keith Johnson]

Let's line up. Bro. Shoot me your.

[Langston Kerman]

Salute me.

[David Bore]

We salute him, bro.

[Keith Johnson]

That's how she fights.

[David Bore]

I was in one of those veteran hats. You are so sorry.

[Keith Johnson]

Cause you do get PTSD coming from that position, bro. There needs to be a payout.

[Langston Kerman]

It's got the years you served stitched into it.

[Keith Johnson]

Shell shock, bro.

[Sam Jay]

That is insane.

[David Bore]

You wear it on queens.

[Sam Jay]

I have been a quality person. Every single one of you fuckers.

[David Bore]

This doesn't mean you're not quality.

[Langston Kerman]

Nobody's complaining.

[Sam Jay]

Jesus.

[David Bore]

No, we're happy. Everybody's happy to be.

[Keith Johnson]

You talk to people how they need to be talked to, and sometimes it's in ways.

[David Bore]

Hey, I like when you hit me.

[Keith Johnson]

It's okay.

[David Bore]

It feel good when you hit me.

[Sam Jay]

I need.

[David Bore]

I knew I needed to be hit

[Keith Johnson]

and I was glad you were the

[Langston Kerman]

I show myself getting upset.

[Keith Johnson]

I know it hurt you more than it hurt me.

[David Bore]

Yo, yo, you're eating Gerald thoughts out loud.

[Langston Kerman]

We gotta take a break, man. More Sam J. More Keith Johnson My Mama told me.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

Amazon Health AI presents Painful Thoughts I

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

I can't stop scratching my downtown. Yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

There's no question too embarrassing For Amazon Health AI chat your symptoms and get virtual care 24. 7 Healthcare just got less painful.

[Pets Best Insurance Announcer]

The following ad is sponsored by Pets Best Insurance Services. You knew right away he's perfect.

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

The one for you.

[Pets Best Insurance Announcer]

Those puppy dog eyes, that cute little button nose. You don't even mind the drool. When you find your perfect match in a dog or cat, the love is unconditional. Your budget, on the other hand, has realistic limits. Help protect your heart and your wallet with pet insurance from Pets Best. With plans starting from less than a dollar a day, you can get up to 90% cash back on eligible vet bills. Pets Best makes it easy to pick a plan that works for you and your bank account. Find the perfect match for your Perfect [e-mail] Pet insurance products offered and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company or Independence American Insurance Company for terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com. policy products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Company or Ms. Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services LLC. $1.00 a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and illness plans. Pets age 0 to 10 Ryan Reynolds

[Ryan Reynolds]

here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been in. Join it's not just for celebrities, so do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full terms. @mintmobile.com I'm here with Spin Quest where

[Spin Quest Announcer]

you can play and win from the comfort of your own home. Home with hundreds of slot games and all of the table games you love with real cash prizes. Right now thirty dollar coin packs are on sale for ten dollars for new users. It's all at spinquest.com that's S-P-I-N Q

[Langston Kerman]

U-T.com Spin Quest is a free to

[Keith Johnson]

play social casino void where prohibited.

[Langston Kerman]

Visit spendquest.com for more details.

[David Bore]

We're back with My Mama Told Me.

[Langston Kerman]

But we're gonna do this respectfully. Otherwise we'll end in a duel. And I mean a duel. Real life duel where only one person walks away. We can meet with guns, bottles, knives, or books and equations, but we're gonna do this like men. So get ready.

[Keith Johnson]

Where did your thing for white boys come from?

[David Bore]

That's a good question.

[Langston Kerman]

That is a good question.

[Sam Jay]

I think it's just like being like a 80s kid surfer, white boy culture was kind of big, like skateboard, California, Malibu, Thomas. That was like going. That's what just was going on like in the world and like in media. Even like the movies and shit. Sino man, this or that or whatever hot guy thing. I also think like my fucking Abercrombie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I've always liked to like. I like when whiteness is like white like this, the idea of it, like when you close your eyes and you see like a commercial of white life. I like when white people look like that.

[David Bore]

Okay, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

And then they're like, I don't like that. I don't like when they look black. I don't like all that.

[David Bore]

You know what's funny?

[Langston Kerman]

Funny?

[David Bore]

I have a remem. I have a distinct memory. One time I was showing you people from my hometown on Instagram and we were all drunk and you were like, I don't really like to see white people like that. I remember it so well. We were so drunk and I was like, oh yeah. And she was like, I really quit.

[Langston Kerman]

It's grossing me out.

[David Bore]

Close it.

[Langston Kerman]

Disgusting. Disgusting.

[Sam Jay]

Cuz I'm like, You know what I'm saying?

[David Bore]

They're filthy. Put him away. Put him away.

[Sam Jay]

Oh my God. I was looking at kids in Somalia making me sad.

[David Bore]

That's how you reacted. I was like, this is three states away. This is happening in your backyard.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn, Aurora.

[Sam Jay]

It was like these. Me and my friends in the woods. I'm like, oh man.

[Langston Kerman]

He's like, that's crazy. I feel the exact opposite. That's my prayer.

[Sam Jay]

That's what you like?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. If I'm gonna see white people, I wanna see them raw and rotten because what.

[Sam Jay]

You know what?

[Keith Johnson]

Raw and rotten.

[Sam Jay]

I hope you don't take any offense

[Keith Johnson]

to any of this.

[David Bore]

We're breaking the fourth wall.

[Sam Jay]

But you know what? It's hopeless when they're raw and rotten.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

The hope is when they're pristine and they're like. You're like, okay, that's something.

[David Bore]

I wanna believe in the idea. Otherwise they fall for shit.

[Keith Johnson]

That's the magic of white people.

[Sam Jay]

Like Jesus. That's the magic of white people.

[David Bore]

When you know they'.

[Sam Jay]

When they're like. When they're like that, it's like, well, what do we have?

[David Bore]

What was this all for?

[Sam Jay]

What do we have?

[Langston Kerman]

Then the experiment didn't work.

[Keith Johnson]

You don't like flamboyant white like people?

[David Bore]

I don't even think it's that. She likes the flamboyancy.

[Sam Jay]

She doesn't like dirty white opulence winners. Like she wants.

[Keith Johnson]

You don't like the gritty.

[David Bore]

She wants the New England Patriots.

[Sam Jay]

I want a new England. I want you to have. Have a sweater tied around your neck, Polo shirts.

[Langston Kerman]

So in that way this looks maxing cicular that this is heading your direction.

[Sam Jay]

Go crazy. You look sm. Get these slack jaw yos the out of here.

[Keith Johnson]

She likes you, jics boy.

[David Bore]

She like white people. We back.

[Sam Jay]

It's g. Get back to it.

[Keith Johnson]

Break your face to be.

[David Bore]

Break your face for it.

[Langston Kerman]

That's what I like. You don't fear the repercussions of this strong jawed future?

[Sam Jay]

I think, hey,

[Langston Kerman]

it scares the fuck out of me.

[Keith Johnson]

What do you think's gonna happen?

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know. I know they're not scared of us

[Sam Jay]

anymore, but I'm from Boston. They were never scared over there.

[Langston Kerman]

And okay, maybe that was.

[Sam Jay]

I don't know, I didn't. They weren't afraid ever.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah, I went back to Florida. We went to a little nightclub. These white boys, the convicular white boys walking around, they'll bump you. Not even care, bro. And you're like. Cause you're assuming that they're gonna fold.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Nah, they're walking through you and you're

[David Bore]

like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Jay]

I've always grown up around those type

[Langston Kerman]

of whites, so that's fair.

[Sam Jay]

I don't know.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Boston is where I experienced that first. Yeah, Yeah, I think it is. Because Chicago is so segregated, lore exists. And you can kind of build lore of like, oh, what is this? You can't even step foot in this fucking neighborhood or you'll die.

[David Bore]

They'll kill you.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, exactly. And that type of lore then controls the way people interpret each other. But Boston was the first time living there where I was like, oh, they don't.

[Keith Johnson]

There's no.

[Langston Kerman]

It's not even just. They don't fear me. They know for sure they'll kill me.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

They are top dog here.

[Sam Jay]

Well, you're dealing with white people that live in the projects. You know what I mean? Like, you're dealing with.

[David Bore]

Which is what you don't like to see.

[Keith Johnson]

And that's OG White.

[Sam Jay]

You know what? That's very different. See, you need to be specific about what you showed me, too, because I could deal with a poor city white. You showed me something else.

[David Bore]

Yeah, that is true.

[Keith Johnson]

Hills have. True.

[Langston Kerman]

It's so true. He's said T. True.

[Sam Jay]

I did not like that. No. That's what I didn't like that was bothering me.

[Langston Kerman]

This got old English about it. This is true. You've caught me m.

[Keith Johnson]

I didn't want you to be right, but you were right.

[Langston Kerman]

Still, I serve.

[David Bore]

We got to play tap.

[Sam Jay]

You showed me some shit where I was like, I don't want to know that people are living like that.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fair.

[Langston Kerman]

That is.

[David Bore]

But that is what most of them. I think that's more of them than the poor city whites.

[Sam Jay]

No, of course. Of course.

[David Bore]

That's what they're doing.

[Sam Jay]

They're just like the whites in the street.

[David Bore]

They're drinking monster.

[Sam Jay]

I don't want to see it. Clean it up.

[David Bore]

You know what I love about you? You are such a capitalist, bro.

[Sam Jay]

I don't want.

[David Bore]

I've been saying it for years. You're a big.

[Sam Jay]

You mean it?

[David Bore]

I don't want to see that filth

[Langston Kerman]

and also clean up the streets.

[Keith Johnson]

Get yourself together.

[David Bore]

You're like the watchman.

[Keith Johnson]

The city's filthy.

[Langston Kerman]

The city stinks. I smell the rot of tuna casserole. Roaches and tuna casserole rotting our streets.

[Keith Johnson]

Boston is like the OG Whites, though. That's, like, straight from the boat. That's the Africa. That's.

[Langston Kerman]

That's where they built this version of it.

[Keith Johnson]

So they're the strongest.

[David Bore]

It is.

[Langston Kerman]

It is white Atlanta.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

It is safe to say Crescent.

[Sam Jay]

I've heard that several times. And it's I would say it's very accurate. It's also just. Yeah, it's like where the most. Where you get all that. That real white Americana, Cape Cod, Wilder's Vineyard, Newport, Rhode island, you know, whites on the water.

[David Bore]

Island. Whites.

[Sam Jay]

Love it.

[David Bore]

I love.

[Sam Jay]

I love whites on the water.

[David Bore]

You love whites on the water.

[Sam Jay]

Love them. Love them when they're near some water. Some water, some wine.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Oysters.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is good stuff. I think that's as good as they get.

[Sam Jay]

Good stuff.

[David Bore]

I think that's probably as good as

[Langston Kerman]

they get on water with a boat. They're cool as hell.

[Sam Jay]

Oh, they're great on boats.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, they love boats.

[David Bore]

Cool on boats, but boats elevate everybody. Everybody's great on boats.

[Sam Jay]

Everybody's not great on boats. Who's not great on boats in Miami?

[Langston Kerman]

That's true.

[Keith Johnson]

You ever. Have you ever had pull up on Jes. To try to steal your hoes? That's a real thing.

[David Bore]

That's a very specific

[Keith Johnson]

take.

[David Bore]

That's a very specific point. I feel like you take blacks on boats everywhere else. Everywhere else.

[Sam Jay]

You're right about that.

[David Bore]

That's a very.

[Sam Jay]

We just have to say South Florida.

[David Bore]

Yeah. We don't do water. Motorcycles, they got water. Dirt bikes. It's trashy. It's fun.

[Sam Jay]

Because even, like, niggas on fanboats in New Orleans. That's quality.

[David Bore]

Exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

That's quality.

[David Bore]

Exactly.

[Sam Jay]

That's quality.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say, if we're counting cruises, we don't do those well either.

[Sam Jay]

No, but that's getting into ships, and I don't think niggas should be fucking with ships.

[David Bore]

Let's separate. Ships and boats are different.

[Langston Kerman]

Let's go.

[Sam Jay]

Let's get into ships.

[Langston Kerman]

Very, very funny.

[David Bore]

If you can pilot it, that should be the line. If you could pilot it.

[Sam Jay]

If we have to be transported, then we really, you know, it triggers something. Yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Now we got.

[Sam Jay]

We don't need to be with whites on ships.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

That's real. I'm punching you in the head out of some sort of, like, deep.

[Sam Jay]

I don't even understand it. It's like. It's like when the siren mermaids be coming that night.

[David Bore]

That's the carnival. That's the carnival of the carnival.

[Langston Kerman]

Go crazy, nigga. Go fucking nuts right now.

[David Bore]

Swing on at me.

[Sam Jay]

Throw that macaroni and cheese right in there.

[Keith Johnson]

Toss her off the boat, bro. Throw up a set.

[Langston Kerman]

You don't belong to you on a boat.

[David Bore]

Bring the car on here.

[Sam Jay]

Blow that weed in the captain's face.

[David Bore]

He don't Know you.

[Langston Kerman]

He just know where you got dropped off.

[Sam Jay]

He don't know know where you live. Why do think if you don't know exactly where they live, you can't catch them?

[David Bore]

80% true.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say it is the thing that scares me the most when somebody say some that I'm like, where is that?

[David Bore]

I get nervous because they're so confident in saying it that you're like, it must be somewhere that I'm not up.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn. I must not know that block.

[David Bore]

Must not know about what's your major

[Keith Johnson]

city next to it. Yeah, you gotta. You gotta figure that out.

[Langston Kerman]

Scary.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

We're still talking about the possibility that Jesus is magic is more fantasy than true. Ultimately, is what you're seeing.

[Sam Jay]

It's not a possibility.

[David Bore]

I mean, he's like an urban legend.

[Sam Jay]

We know it's more fantasy.

[David Bore]

He's like an urban legend at this point.

[Sam Jay]

Yeah, yeah. Like Freddy Krueger.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Or like the way Michael Jackson was

[David Bore]

gonna see somebody that was a man, though.

[Langston Kerman]

You didn't have to pick that.

[David Bore]

That is a crazy topic.

[Langston Kerman]

You could have picked any one of the char. Like, yeah, I'm gonna get in real trouble now. Yeah. I'm really gonna turn some tides here. I was making a lot of poignant points.

[David Bore]

I was gonna say Paul Bunyan.

[Sam Jay]

Oh, okay.

[David Bore]

That's reasonable.

[Langston Kerman]

That's reasonable.

[Sam Jay]

That's an option.

[David Bore]

Maybe I'm not doing the magic.

[Keith Johnson]

How hard are we doubling down on? Because I think they made him magic to hide the fact that. Cause they'll be like, he was magic and a perfect man. Who's perfect? Jesus clearly had a foot fetish, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

What?

[Keith Johnson]

He's pulling people in, washing their feet. Who does that? Someone with a foot fetish, bro.

[Sam Jay]

And honestly, defeat washing. He did that the most out of the sub. They were born.

[Langston Kerman]

Y' all don't belong together, man.

[David Bore]

They tried to split you up.

[Keith Johnson]

This is why they didn't want us combining.

[Sam Jay]

Cause he like, he like. He cured one leper. You know what I mean? Like, turned water into wine one time. But he was washing them feet everywhere he went. He has lines everywhere he went. And he was washing the feet.

[Langston Kerman]

They was lining up for that feet wash.

[Sam Jay]

So while the magic was just a trick to lure the people in.

[Keith Johnson]

Feet washed for the foot washing business.

[Sam Jay]

Because would you line up to get your feet washed just by some random nigga on the street? No, but if you already healed a leper, you're like, he got magic hands.

[Keith Johnson]

He got soft.

[Sam Jay]

He washed my feet.

[David Bore]

I don't think that I'm more blessed.

[Keith Johnson]

Feeds me.

[Sam Jay]

I'm more blessed.

[Langston Kerman]

You can keep doing.

[David Bore]

I want in so bad. Right?

[Keith Johnson]

You just gotta believe. Just walk. You gotta take the leap of faith, bro.

[David Bore]

Jesus, it's so nice of you. Don't be.

[Keith Johnson]

Thomas, Bro, can we get you some money or something?

[Sam Jay]

Why else are they letting them wash his feet? Why? Why are they letting them wash their feet? Why else would they be doing that? Just cuz. So there was a nigga out there right now.

[Keith Johnson]

Humility.

[Sam Jay]

There's a nigga out there right now who's like, yo, I wanna wash your feet.

[David Bore]

I think he was a different time.

[Sam Jay]

There's no reports on this guy.

[David Bore]

I think it was a different time around foot Washington.

[Sam Jay]

No, I don't think there was a lot of people out there watching. They were like shoe shiners.

[Langston Kerman]

I think a foot wash was a big deal.

[Sam Jay]

What the hell are we talking about?

[Langston Kerman]

I think a foot wash was a

[Sam Jay]

big deal back then. I'm saying so the reason I would let this guy wash my feet because mind you, like the Bible doesn't exist when the stories are happening, right? So this word of mouth and all this. Okay, so the reason why I'm letting this particular guy wash my feet is because I heard he cures leprosy. I heard he turns water into wine. I heard he does all this cool shit.

[Keith Johnson]

I'm gonna let him do it.

[Sam Jay]

Oh yeah. If you touch and wash my feet, I might catch a blessing of two or three.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, like.

[David Bore]

Cause I don't even have leprosy.

[Sam Jay]

Right? I just got.

[David Bore]

I just got a little bit of chlamydia.

[Keith Johnson]

You get that up real quick.

[Langston Kerman]

I can't tell my wife.

[David Bore]

I got at least three and a half more years.

[Keith Johnson]

Let me see some feet before I go. I got one. Good. It was taking his eye vision, bro. I got one good eye. Look. He just hate me.

[Langston Kerman]

I like that. I. I don't. I. I didn't like it at first.

[David Bore]

It.

[Langston Kerman]

It scared me to suggest that Jesus was a freaky ass, but. But now I'm seeing and then think about it, right?

[Sam Jay]

So town of the town, they say he was washing lines of people's feet.

[Langston Kerman]

Y.

[Sam Jay]

So it's like the magic was the Lord to get defeat.

[Langston Kerman]

And I like that. He.

[David Bore]

So you're saying because he had such a foot fetish. Yeah, that's what all this is.

[Keith Johnson]

He who is without sin cast the first stone. Right. Who is he saving? A random hoe.

[Langston Kerman]

I get.

[Keith Johnson]

Jesus knew that hoe.

[David Bore]

Because you enter it so confidently.

[Langston Kerman]

I thought it was gonna Be a real quote. That was. That was some shit he got off of like goodquotes.com.

[David Bore]

that might have been a bumper stick.

[Keith Johnson]

It probably was. But what I'm saying is he tried

[Langston Kerman]

to say hast in case we knew. He who hast the stone should throw it first.

[Keith Johnson]

Throw it first, bro.

[Sam Jay]

And then.

[Keith Johnson]

But if you got a glass jaw.

[Langston Kerman]

I do. I recognize fully how much of this is allegorical.

[Sam Jay]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

My fear. And really, I guess it's less of a fear. But my concern is how do we communicate that truth to a larger capacity of people who genuinely believe that they need magic Jesus.

[Sam Jay]

A magic Jesus?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

That's the difficulty, I think, with this whole thing. That's the true difficulty.

[Sam Jay]

But I think it's also what makes it so dangerous.

[David Bore]

Right.

[Sam Jay]

That's what makes Christianity so like, you can use it to wield so much good and bad in a way.

[David Bore]

And they do. Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Because. Because we're making it so.

[Langston Kerman]

That's what scares me.

[David Bore]

It's not practical.

[Langston Kerman]

It's not telling people the truth.

[David Bore]

I know what you're saying.

[Sam Jay]

Yes.

[David Bore]

And if the stakes. If you lower the stakes, then it becomes a thing. That's a lot easier.

[Sam Jay]

And then you could recognize people for being charlatans or false prophets or all this stuff because you're not attaching it to this idea of magic. So now, like, I was just watching that nature boy nigga that was doing all the shit.

[David Bore]

I watched that too.

[Sam Jay]

But it's like if you take away the magic magic of all this stuff, which the magic and us wanting to believe there's prophets and these magic niggas on earth all starts with the fucking Bible. It's like, if you just rip this away and just let these be regular men, then a lot quicker. They would have just seen that was a nasty nigga from Atlanta just trying

[David Bore]

to hack three ways.

[Sam Jay]

That was just. They would have seen that a lot quicker. But because of all the magic that we've believed in forever and that we need.

[David Bore]

We need magic.

[Sam Jay]

It's like it breaks us.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Because that's how people can keep doing it, right?

[Sam Jay]

Yes, bro. This nigga was just literally popping off threesomes with girls who. He wouldn't let them comb their hair. Why wouldn't he let these bitches comb their hair? Not. Cause it's nature. So the bitches feel ugly so he could control them better. Cause now they up there dusty crusty smelling, bad pit hair. And then like, the only nigga that's gonna love me is this little dirty nigga I've trapped him and we just took the magic away.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Damn, it was a tough watch.

[Sam Jay]

If Jesus could just be a guy who's nice.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Then you could go, oh, that's. I met another nice guy. I met a bad guy.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Christ.

[David Bore]

Like I I.

[Langston Kerman]

And thank you for your contributions, ke.

[Keith Johnson]

That's the big.

[David Bore]

I think you're a devil. I think you're a damn devil.

[Sam Jay]

Where is your odd with that Bible?

[David Bore]

He needs magic. Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

He needs the religious magic.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's my fear. Let's get back to it.

[Keith Johnson]

That visible spirit.

[Langston Kerman]

My fear is that demonic spirits like this do lurk amongst us and we need pointing at me. What you're saying. I'm speaking to her, but I want her to know who I'm speaking about.

[Keith Johnson]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

I think ultimately his demonic behavior is what people are.

[Sam Jay]

So the demonic. Okay. The demons like Keith are so strong

[Langston Kerman]

that that they go, magic is real.

[Sam Jay]

We need mad Jesus because he's a. He's devil. Magic.

[David Bore]

He's devil.

[Langston Kerman]

We need magic.

[Sam Jay]

So we need some magic combat. But to be quite honest, yeah. I believe more in she turning the

[Keith Johnson]

light skinned against each other. Bro, don't take the baby to do this. Sam's magic.

[Sam Jay]

We gotta stay.

[Langston Kerman]

And you know, that's when I get excited in light skinned brotherhood. I do.

[Keith Johnson]

Wow. But yeah, even despite you still think I got the devilish ways,

[Langston Kerman]

Keith, I'm

[David Bore]

such a big fan of so many

[Langston Kerman]

of the things you do. Your prank calls, they make me laugh to no end. I love them. I think the type of spirit that you have to have to make the phone calls that you make.

[Sam Jay]

No, he's a bad guy.

[Langston Kerman]

You guys have a program on site

[Sam Jay]

to help people, which I constantly have to keep him on track from being evil.

[David Bore]

Seriously.

[Sam Jay]

Like, he'll bring a guest on. I'll be like, yeah, we're gonna unpack something. And he'll go, yeah, we need to talk about how they cheat on their wife. And I heard that they smacked their kids around. And I'm like, dude, that's not what

[David Bore]

this show is called on site.

[Sam Jay]

We're having fun.

[David Bore]

That's crazy.

[Sam Jay]

Let's keep it light. You know what I mean?

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts.

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

I am. I can't stop scratching my downtown.

[Keith Johnson]

Mm.

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

Yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown. Some things you'd rather type than say out loud.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

There's no question too embarrassing For Amazon Health AI chat your symptoms and get virtual care. 24, 7. Healthcare just got less painful.

[Pets Best Insurance Announcer]

Your pet is your bestie, your therapist, your perfect match. It's easy to love them. It's easy to protect them too with pet insurance coverage from Pets Best because it's all fun and games until they chew on something they shouldn't and you get a vet bill to match. With perfect timing, Pets Best helps protect your furry friend and your budget from this imperfect world. Get up to 90% cash back on eligible vet bills from less than a dollar a day. Pets Best has plans to cover accidents, injuries and and more, from puppies and kittens to seniors. Find your perfect match plan and get a [e-mail] Pet insurance products offered and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services LLC are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company or Independence American Insurance Company for terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com. policy products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Company or Ms. Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services LLC. $1.00 a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder date for accident and illness plans. Pets age 0 to 10.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available. Fees, extra fee, full [e-mail] forget everything

[Spin Quest Announcer]

you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with Spin Quest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love and you could even win real cash prizes. New users 30 coin packs are on sale for [e-mail] Spin Quest is a

[Keith Johnson]

free to play social casino void where prohibited it.

[Langston Kerman]

Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[David Bore]

We're back.

[Sam Jay]

You say you're Christian, but you gay.

[David Bore]

We're back. Sometimes it's understated.

[Keith Johnson]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you just let it sit there for a second. That was really smooth. Hell yeah.

[David Bore]

Thank you. I. I'm still reliving the.

[Langston Kerman]

Sam and Keith are still here and we're going to do a voicemail together. We're going to fucking listen to a voicemail Feel free to stop it at any point. Just yell out, we'll talk shit. Okay, let's do the vapes. One, please. Hell, yeah.

[Listener Voicemail Caller]

One second.

[Keith Johnson]

Yo, I just want to say shout out to David for opening up about his. His struggles with fashion, but pause.

[David Bore]

Yeah, hold on.

[Langston Kerman]

That's not the right one. One sec.

[David Bore]

Yo, you just played me, Joel. That was crazy what you just did to me in here. You know I'm in here with sharks.

[Sam Jay]

You know I'm in here with sharks. What was that?

[David Bore]

The goddamn devil himself.

[Sam Jay]

You play me like that? What was that?

[Keith Johnson]

That was the worst possible thing

[Sam Jay]

that could have happened. What are you struggling with?

[Keith Johnson]

I'm not struggling now.

[David Bore]

You got to tell the truth. I'm 50 up.

[Keith Johnson]

He's blowing up, bro.

[David Bore]

I'm head to 2750. I'm fine. I'm a licensed driver in the state of Cal, California.

[Keith Johnson]

The globe is real, bro. I see you, dog. Man, we not. We not, man.

[David Bore]

Man, that was so bad. That was the worst thing that could have happened right now.

[Sam Jay]

What's going on, man?

[David Bore]

Nothing's going on, man.

[Langston Kerman]

I. I think. I think my guy is. Is just in a transition phase where he's really with your clothes.

[David Bore]

It's just a new phase, okay? That's all it is.

[Sam Jay]

I'm trying to, like, age into. Into what's next for me, and it's, like, trying to get. Cycle some of this shit out. Like, I have way too many graphic tees, you know, just like, exactly. Exactly that shit out my wardrobe.

[Langston Kerman]

Not me, dog.

[Sam Jay]

And then figure out. Figure out, like, what it is I want to be doing.

[David Bore]

That's exactly.

[Sam Jay]

I think it's hard for black people, too. I think. I think it's hard. I always say this, like, I don't want to be one of these old niggas that's dressing crazy. And I see that with a lot of us, like, we don't know how to, like, age our fashion appropriately.

[David Bore]

You know where it comes down to.

[Sam Jay]

I don't want. I don't want to get caught up like that. And I don't want to be one of these old dykes. You see how these old dykes be looking?

[Langston Kerman]

100%, bro.

[Sam Jay]

That terrifies me. I'm like, I got to get everything custom made. It's just plain T shirts and pants that fit well. Yeah, I'll go there, but I'm just looking like a nut.

[David Bore]

You can't be over 40 out here with tricky pants.

[Sam Jay]

No, no. First of all, I'm big on that. Once you're over 40. Get the stuff off your pants. You can't have all that crazy sparkles, zippers, no moves.

[David Bore]

I'm lo your pants. La.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

No, no, no.

[Langston Kerman]

I ain't there yet, but I figured.

[Sam Jay]

I figured I was there pretty early. I remember when me and Langson and Jack used to talk to Chris about all his zippers. We were like.

[Langston Kerman]

We had a lot.

[Keith Johnson]

Chris got a lot of zippers.

[Sam Jay]

We were like, chill out.

[Keith Johnson]

It's a lot.

[Sam Jay]

Chill out.

[Langston Kerman]

We really had to pull him aside and be like, brother, I'm counting eight zippers here.

[David Bore]

It's too.

[Keith Johnson]

It's to show off his thigh tattoo.

[Sam Jay]

So I'm definitely not. Yeah, you got. I'm really at a place where I'm looking and I'm like. I think I might be phasing jeans out altogether.

[David Bore]

Whoa.

[Sam Jay]

And just soft pants and just different kind of cool looking pants. And, like, that's good, though, having, you know, maybe a couple of pair of, like, good. Like, I need a good pair of blue jeans. Like an old man. I need a good pair of blue jeans and a good pair of black.

[David Bore]

And other than that, I know my fit.

[Langston Kerman]

I know what I want it to look like. I'm not about to, like, play with a new version of it anymore.

[Sam Jay]

Right.

[Keith Johnson]

Especially with micro seasons, because shit switches up. You gotta be consistent throughout and not,

[David Bore]

like, changing too hard.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. Timeless looks.

[David Bore]

You need a timeless situation.

[Sam Jay]

Clean.

[Keith Johnson]

What are some of your vulnerabilities?

[David Bore]

No, I'm not doing that with you.

[Keith Johnson]

I'm just asking, honest, openly and honestly.

[Sam Jay]

Did you say you want to fight?

[Keith Johnson]

No, I'm just being honest.

[David Bore]

Did you say you want to fight?

[Keith Johnson]

All the shit we cut? Don't even listen to none of that. This is just your real vulnerabilities. Right? How are you ready for.

[David Bore]

No, it's just a departure from T shirts, too.

[Keith Johnson]

I fuck with that.

[Listener Voicemail Caller]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

And I are even too. And like, how do I. But also, you don't want to just be dressed like an old white man and you don't want the swag to die. So you're like, how do I get. What's next? I'll send you some stuff, dude.

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Sam Jay]

Cause I looking.

[David Bore]

I appreciate that.

[Sam Jay]

That'll be better than when I tried to help you with your waves. That was your concern.

[David Bore]

That was pandemic. That was a bad night.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, y' all were doing this over zoom, I think.

[David Bore]

No, I think maybe we should listen to the voicemail. I think the last one's already unlocked.

[Sam Jay]

Well, I think I saw the picture of you Send from.

[Keith Johnson]

You're a wolfing. And then she was, like, coaching you through.

[Sam Jay]

It was like, where you were like, this isn't working.

[David Bore]

It was like all hope was lost, and we were deep inside. We were deep inside.

[Sam Jay]

Brushes. I'm like, get these brushes. Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

It was wrong.

[David Bore]

Ah, man. He needed a perm. This really. That is what it is. It's just so coarse.

[Langston Kerman]

You were like, if I'm gonna die,

[Sam Jay]

I wanted to believe in him that he didn't need it.

[David Bore]

It's so coarse. And I was like, you know, I could just use twigs and berries from the forest. And that's not what can happen. I need, like, product.

[Sam Jay]

You need that lie.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Damn.

[Keith Johnson]

But then at that point, it's like you're taking a choice.

[David Bore]

But we were also deep inside. That was like, strong pandemic, remember? Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, we don't. We don't pause over here.

[David Bore]

No, no, no.

[Langston Kerman]

We let it ride.

[Keith Johnson]

Let it play.

[Sam Jay]

Damn.

[Langston Kerman]

Now we own it.

[David Bore]

We soaked in it.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn. Actually, two times that speed.

[Keith Johnson]

You were deep in the pandemic.

[David Bore]

Yeah. That's all that. That was. Can we please play the real voicemail? I feel you set up. To be completely honest, I don't know if this is. I don't know.

[Langston Kerman]

You guys bullied me up top, but you really catching the brunt.

[David Bore]

You really came downhill at the end. That's the problem with these episodes is we always end up equal somehow. Yeah. Yeah.

[Keith Johnson]

Yep.

[David Bore]

And we're just two people trying to find the upper hand.

[Listener Voicemail Caller]

Hi, Langston and David. My name is Be. I'm from Portland, and I cannot stop thinking about something I saw online. I recently saw that vapes are government propaganda aimed to condition you to enjoy sucking robot dick. And honestly, I think it's not a crazy idea. So, like, if you think about it, out of all the ways for you to consume nicotine, they made a shiny little robot stick that you carry everywhere, and you keep it in your mouth for comfort. And the flavors, that's not for quitting anything. They are tricking your brain to create positive reinforcement loops tied to the act itself, not the actual substance. And it's not just the act of sucking on it, but the dependence on it. You lose it. And suddenly, like, your whole mood is off. You find it. It's instant relief. You take a hit, you get that tiny dopamine reward, and you repeat that all day, every day, like, hello. So, honestly, it's not even that crazy to think in the future people are going to be way too comfortable with some weird robot companion situation. Like, we've already been trained for years, and they just want us to be sex slaves to A.I.

[David Bore]

no, no, no. You can stop this. I have a problem. She's going crazy.

[Sam Jay]

I think this is assuming the world is completely heteronormative because she took a

[Keith Johnson]

leap and uses robots.

[Sam Jay]

She took a leap I never would take. She was like, it's in your mouth all day. Hello. That automatically means blowjob city. And it's like, nah, not for everybody.

[Langston Kerman]

I think sometimes I'll eat some robot coochie. I'm not a sucking robot.

[Sam Jay]

Delicious.

[David Bore]

I'm afraid of sparks.

[Sam Jay]

Why would you eat some robot coochie?

[David Bore]

That was my big question. That was my question.

[Keith Johnson]

You're eating out the little flesh.

[Langston Kerman]

How does this benefit the robots?

[David Bore]

I don't want to do it if the robot's not gonna come.

[Keith Johnson]

I'm a pleaser. Lower robotic torso.

[David Bore]

Nobody was forcing you.

[Sam Jay]

Why are you volunteering?

[Langston Kerman]

I'm saying we live in a dystopian future where life has changed and now you got a son. Robot dick and e. Robot coochie. My question was, if the robots can't feel it, why am I doing this?

[Keith Johnson]

I'm playing the game correctly.

[Langston Kerman]

You guys are playing it wrong. The lady presented a scenario where in

[David Bore]

the future we gotta suck robot.

[Langston Kerman]

And maybe that's a possibility.

[Keith Johnson]

And you're not gonna say you suck robot dick.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not sucking dick.

[Keith Johnson]

You do the equivalent.

[Langston Kerman]

I got you, girl.

[Keith Johnson]

Robots.

[Langston Kerman]

What's up?

[Sam Jay]

Well, what if.

[Keith Johnson]

But I do think it's a woman.

[Sam Jay]

Well, thank. First of all, thank you. Thank you for letting us know. Shout out in this sex slave apocalypse how you're gonna help.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Sam Jay]

Appreciate that.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm gonna lay it down.

[Keith Johnson]

Kissing the eyes.

[David Bore]

It was like. It was pro sex. The way you did it was positive.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

And that I do believe.

[Keith Johnson]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

It was crazy because nobody. You just offered it.

[Sam Jay]

You offered it.

[David Bore]

You took so many steps in this world, but you saw it coming. And you said, if this is a possibility, I must be protected.

[Langston Kerman]

I needed y' all to know how.

[Keith Johnson]

Participate.

[Sam Jay]

He also assumed because it was robot dicks that we're gonna be pussies.

[Langston Kerman]

Absolutely.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Absolutely.

[Sam Jay]

They might not be.

[Langston Kerman]

I know I'm not gonna live in a world with. Without women. I'll go, what we.

[Sam Jay]

Why are we dead in this world?

[David Bore]

I don't know.

[Sam Jay]

They may write why you're the only alive.

[David Bore]

I don't know. Why is this as far as I know? Gotta connect the only man who can. Y' all don't know.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not Bruce Leroy. Prove me wrong. Ain't nobody killed me yet.

[Keith Johnson]

Robots might not get me.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll eat that coochie and y' all won't. And that's why you gonna die.

[David Bore]

You didn't invite anybody in to eat coochie with you.

[Langston Kerman]

The way you laughed it, it made it clear you wanted to laugh.

[David Bore]

Because it was crazy that you said that.

[Sam Jay]

I've actually never seen Langston be more of a Chicago nigga till this point. Now he roll my pussy around. I'm chopping on that motherfucker.

[Keith Johnson]

Man, that wasn't my wife.

[Langston Kerman]

The future is dark.

[Keith Johnson]

I don't know.

[Langston Kerman]

Denzel Washington behaved poorly in Book of Eli, but that is what the future made him.

[Keith Johnson]

He wasn't a typer. He laid down.

[Langston Kerman]

Nah, he held the book.

[Keith Johnson]

Let him type.

[Langston Kerman]

He transferred.

[David Bore]

Oh, man.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, fellas, I think we did it.

[Keith Johnson]

I think we accomplished our goal.

[David Bore]

Something happened in here.

[Langston Kerman]

Sam, can you tell the people where they can find you? And Keith, you'll do the same after

[Sam Jay]

amjcomic S a M J Y comic on Twitter and on Instagram.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck yeah. Go follow follower Keith.

[Keith Johnson]

KeithJohnson K E I T H Johnson HQ on Truth Social.

[Sam Jay]

Remember when Keith

[Keith Johnson]

find me only there, my only platform that hasn't deplatformed me that allows free speech and a comment to release his inner thoughts.

[David Bore]

Yeah, Keith Johnson on Rumble.

[Langston Kerman]

What you got?

[David Bore]

Cool guy jokes87 on Instagram. That's it. And join our Patreon. Give us some money.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, give us money at our My Mama Told Me Patreon. And follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. And most importantly, if you want to send us drops. Whatever the fuck, send it all to mymamapodmail.com if you want to give us a call, give us a call at 844-LIL-MOMS. And by the way, Merch, take care of yourself.

[Sam Jay]

Bye, you raggedy.

[Langston Kerman]

My Mama Told Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and I Heart Podcast, created and hosted

[David Bore]

by Langston Kearney, co hosted by David Bore, executive produced by Will Ferrell Hansani and Joel Monique. Edited and engineered by Justin Comedy music by Nick Chambers. Artwork by Dogon Krieger.

[Langston Kerman]

You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow YMama told Me and subscribe to our channel.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

I'm here with Spin Quest where you can play and win from the comfort of your own home with hundreds of slot games and all of the table games you love with real cash prizes right now. Thirty dollar coin packs are on sale for ten dollars. For new users, it's [e-mail] that's S-P-I-N

[Langston Kerman]

Q U-E-T.com Spinquest is a free to play social casino.

[Keith Johnson]

Boyd where prohibited.

[Langston Kerman]

Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big Wireless Way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month, of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] from sauce to dust

[Langston Kerman]

to nuggets, it's Taco Bell's new Diablo

[Keith Johnson]

Dusted Crispy T Chicken Nuggets.

[Langston Kerman]

Are they mild? If they were mild, they'd have to change the name to Little Rascal Nuggets or Minor Nuisance Nuggets. Definitely Diablo New Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets, a brand new classic only a

[Sam Jay]

Taco bell at participating U.S. taco Bell

[Langston Kerman]

locations for a limited time and while supplies last.

[David Bore]

Owning a home is full of surprises. Some wonderful, some not so much.

[Starbucks Announcer]

And when something breaks, it can feel like the whole day unravels.

[David Bore]

That's why home serve exists for as little as 4.90amonth.

[Starbucks Announcer]

You'll always have someone to call, a

[David Bore]

trusted professional ready to help, bringing peace

[Starbucks Announcer]

of mind to four and a half million homeowners nationwide.

[David Bore]

For plans starting at just $4.99 a

[Starbucks Announcer]

month, go to homeserve.com that's homeserve.com not available everywhere.

[David Bore]

Most plans range between $4.99 to $11.99 a month.

[Amazon Health AI Announcer]

Your first year terms apply on covered repairs.

[Sam Jay]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.