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Jemele Hill
This is an iHeart podcast.
Langston Kerman
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David Burie
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Mm, yeah, but I'm not itching to go downtown and tell a receptionist I'm here to talk about my downtown.
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Kel Penn
hey everyone, it's Kel Penn. I'm inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with my podcast, Hearsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. Every episode, I nerd out with amazing guests and dive into the best new audiobooks available on Audible. It's the book club for your ears. Listen to earsay, the Audible and iheart Audiobook Club on the iheartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Jemele Hill
I think it was somewhat recently it came out that Bea Arthur and Betty White couldn't stand each other. Yeah, I was like, yo, Golden Girl's drama.
Langston Kerman
It was like a Martin Gina situation.
David Burie
Well, same circumstances.
Langston Kerman
That's what I was. Identical.
David Burie
And you know, who was Martin in that relationship?
Langston Kerman
You know she was trying to kiss her, right?
Jemele Hill
For real.
David Burie
Me Arthur was picking Betty White up and trying to kiss her.
Jemele Hill
Little did we know what was happening in the back bedrooms, right?
Langston Kerman
The government growing babies, Microchips in your nannies. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money Washington,
David Burie
Ben and turkey stuffing.
Langston Kerman
Y' all can't tell me nothing. It's my turn to do the intro.
David Burie
I got your song.
Langston Kerman
I did not have a song. I can think of one right now. I like pretty girls, girls, girls. Welcome, little mamas and gentiles alike, to another phenomenal episode. My mama told me.
David Burie
The podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories.
Langston Kerman
You know what I've been thinking? Yeah, man. I was really sitting and thinking about it. I think we were too hard. And maybe this is just me personally, I think we were too hard on the ball is life, guys. The more I think about it, it's like maybe the best life advice coming out of social media in a long time, because it's not about making money. It's not about grinding. It's about, like, relentless pursuit of a passion. Because you love that thing.
David Burie
Yeah, they really. They were the. The people that. That believed, lived by, that were centered in a way that we didn't acknowledge.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, Yeah. I think it was like. And I mean, sure, yeah, a lot of them are at 24 hour fitnesses at times that you should be at work.
Jemele Hill
Not great.
Langston Kerman
And. But so am I. You know what I mean? I'm in the Y. I'm downstairs, I'm fucking around, ignoring calls or whatever. Yeah, it's just like. It's like so many things, especially now coming out of social media, are so commodified, and it's this idea of you as a product and a brand and grind time, foul. And these guys were just like, ball is life. Yeah, that's just what I love.
David Burie
I just like dribbling and Jamel, you ain't gotta hide from it. You have thoughts on this?
Jemele Hill
I have no thoughts on this. Oh, is ball.
David Burie
Life is like a. I don't know that it is for me, but I respect anybody that lands on what they truly love.
Langston Kerman
Exactly. And I think that we all have a ball. It's just their ball is maybe, you know, you have a ball. You have a ball. Right? So it's like, yeah.
David Burie
Weird stuff on the Internet. That's my ball.
Langston Kerman
Right? Okay.
David Burie
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yes, I have a family, and
Langston Kerman
yes, you have a family and you love them.
David Burie
I acknowledge that. They are also life. But you have a ball.
Langston Kerman
Come on. That's the point of it, is that I think the relentless pursuit of a passion and just because it feels like passion for passion's sake, not for gain, and I think that is an important aspect to have in your life. And I think when it came out I was upset because I'm not good at basketball. And I really was mean.
David Burie
You took this personally.
Langston Kerman
I hate basketball players because they get to play basketball forever.
David Burie
You really. White lives matter. This movement in a way that.
Langston Kerman
I don't love your angle.
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
I don't love your tone. Right.
David Burie
You saw some niggas hooping and you were like, I could do stuff too. No. And that rubbed you wrong.
Langston Kerman
I've always hated it. Because basketball gets to be a lifelong obsession. And as a little fat kid, you just gotta play football. And they don't tell you this just goes away.
Jemele Hill
Right.
Langston Kerman
You're just done.
Jemele Hill
Because physically you can't do it at a certain time, you shouldn't do it at that time. Well, I mean, I don't know. Debatable.
Langston Kerman
I think. I think a lot of people get fucked up in about.
Jemele Hill
They do.
Langston Kerman
But the point is, like, after high school, it's done.
David Burie
They do keep it going.
Langston Kerman
Especially. Especially. Especially. We were talking about this, especially linemen, you know. Now we don't. There's no seven on seven for fat dude. Now you're just done. Now it's just over. You bench 3:30 for no reason.
David Burie
Yeah, yeah.
Langston Kerman
And you work at Target and you're angry. And these basketball guys, hey, let's go to the park. We're still having fun. Girls are here.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, but see, you just picked the wrong thing. Like I wish. And we talk about balls.
Langston Kerman
Another sport was wrestling. What was that going to do?
David Burie
Okay.
Jemele Hill
You weren't going to wrestle after certain. Otherwise it'd be weird.
David Burie
Yeah, it was weird.
Jemele Hill
It was weird not be allowed within a school district.
David Burie
But a lot of.
Langston Kerman
A lot of people let me know. It was weird then.
Jemele Hill
But like golf, for example. So like golf is life for me. Like me and my husband, we got into golf like three years ago. I'm completely obsessed.
Langston Kerman
Whoa.
Jemele Hill
This is something that you definitely could have taken up younger. Still would be playing now. And you meet crazy, like, engaging, fun people on the golf course. Like the social aspect. Now I get it. Like now I get. Of golf.
David Burie
You're saying that I have the ability to pivot my life and it doesn't always have to be the same ball.
Jemele Hill
Correct.
David Burie
It could be a different kind of ball.
Jemele Hill
And so. And then listen, how many sports are there where you can drink and do it and still be good at it?
David Burie
Not a lot.
Jemele Hill
Golf, softball. You could be a softball lifer.
Langston Kerman
Basketball for a couple guys.
Jemele Hill
Well, yes. Cause there's always one dude.
Langston Kerman
They said AI in Denver was going nuts.
Jemele Hill
We're just Denver because He also spent time in Detroit, where I'm from, and the stories about him are legendary. There ain't a Friday safe wherever AI is. That's my homie.
David Burie
That is so crazy.
Langston Kerman
That's those Virginia athletes, man. To be drunk and play a sport,
David Burie
I will say, can you think you
Langston Kerman
could play basketball, Jon?
David Burie
No, not even a little bit. And it does make me feel more passionate in a different way than I ever thought I would. I've always been like, oh, the game evolves. It gets better over time. The players of today are objectively better than the players of yesteryear. That is my position. LeBron is the greatest because LeBron has surpassed everything that Jordan could do at that time.
Langston Kerman
Right.
David Burie
That's where I live. That's where I live. I'll take that shot if that don't feel right to you.
Jemele Hill
Not wrong, per se. But I do think some of this might be. Is somewhat generational because everybody's protective of their era, like music, sports, entertainment. Those are the three areas. Because you could not have convinced my mother that rap wasn't trash. It wasn't just a regurgitation of samples of all the shit that she grew up on and y' all ain't creative and blah, blah, blah. So I get that. But, I mean, he's definitely, you know, right there. He's in the. Like, anybody I know that young people now will. They will 10 years from now be like, I can't believe that was ever an argument that it wasn't just LeBron. Whereas probably for my generation. But it's like, no, it's Michael Jordan.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Like, yeah. And that's no disrespect to LeBron because I think to be as firmly in the conversation as he is is a testament to how good he is.
David Burie
But here's. Here's a little nod to it possibly being Michael Jordan is that LeBron has spent a million plus dollars a year on his body every year he has eaten clean. He has figured out a way to chisel the form into the perfect form for the sport as he plays it. Michael Jordan was drunk. He was not.
Jemele Hill
That is drunk every night. That is not true.
Langston Kerman
You don't think so?
Jemele Hill
Do you not know this story?
Langston Kerman
And I ain't playing. No. You don't think this motherfucker wasn't getting
David Burie
wine drunk every night?
Jemele Hill
No, he wasn't every night. Listen, okay? Michael Jordan talked about the fact that he did not drink when he played.
David Burie
He's a liar.
Jemele Hill
Oh, I have heard stories about him drink when he played.
Langston Kerman
I've heard Stories about him, he was getting.
Jemele Hill
I think it was either 4am or 6am he worked out every day.
David Burie
Sure.
Jemele Hill
Regardless. Right. Like, he kept his body in immaculate condition. The worst thing he probably did was cigars. That was probably the worst.
David Burie
I don't mean to suggest that. That Michael Jordan wasn't putting everything he had into it.
Jemele Hill
No. But he was not known as being a drunk at all.
David Burie
I only mean, and this is more jumping off of the AI example that there are guys who are comparable to the legends of NOW that also were doing it with other shit going on. You know what I mean? In a way that they don't do it now. I mean, like, listen, Allen Iverson, literally the whole eight.
Jemele Hill
A good portion of the 80s. Like, every third player was sniffing coke. I mean, like cocaine. Like, everybody was. So that was. That was the league. That was the big league issue. You know, Michael Ray Richardson, Good God. I mean, that man had a Jerry curler just doing blow. Like, hey, this is Miami Vice right here.
Langston Kerman
Basketball players are too big to be doing that much cocaine.
David Burie
It's scary.
Langston Kerman
That seems like the scary. Could you imagine Charles Oakley?
David Burie
Oh, man, keep Charles sober. That's some scary shit. I don't want him nowhere near intoxicants.
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David Burie
our guest today. I can't believe she's here. It's so cool. She is a force, a person, you know, from media in all forms, entertainment, writing, television, the news, the. Not news, all the stuff. She's won Emmys and you know her best now from her own podcast, Politics. Give it up for our phenomenal guest, Jamel Hill, everybody.
Jemele Hill
How did all of this trouble begin? Living in America.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Well, thank you all for the kind intro. I'm happy to be here, happy to have some fun, you know. And we are a journalist in my line of work. And even though sports was. Sports is really my background and still the foundation of what I do, people start thinking that, like, I'm not a fun person.
David Burie
Yeah, yeah.
Jemele Hill
Like they think I have no sense of humor and that I'm just walking around, you know, pointing out injustice. Like, oh, there's a white crack in the sidewalk. Somehow it's the white man fault. Like, that's. I'm like, that's not the energy I'm on. Right.
Langston Kerman
That's crazy because that's what we do.
Jemele Hill
I mean, sometimes. I ain't gonna lie.
Langston Kerman
That's all we have.
David Burie
I didn't like how you pretended to be us for a second. That's so nasty.
Jemele Hill
Like it was a white valet. No, sometimes that happens where People just have this sort of picture of me as being super serious. So I'm always happy to be in spaces like this where we can just laugh and fuck around.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, I love it. I love it. Cause sports is. Do you like how serious the sports world is? It seems like people just don't play about that shit.
Jemele Hill
No, what I don't like about it is that there are just too much of a machine built around taking the joy out of sports. Yeah, like, everybody, one. Everybody has an opinion, which sounds like a really crazy thing to say, considering I'm in the business of giving my opinion about sports, but an opinion in the sense of, like, something's gotta be wrong with everything, right? It's like, we can't just enjoy what it is. Like, two minutes after OKC wins the finals, the conversation is, was this a tainted championship? Cause Tyrese Halliburton got, you know, got injured. And I'm like, man, fuck that. Can we just celebrate the fact that this team from wire to wire, the way it was constructed, you have, you know, sga, who wins the scoring title, mvp. Finals mvp and a championship all in the same year. Only one of four dudes to do that.
Langston Kerman
Come on.
Jemele Hill
So I feel like the. The joy of what sports was supposed to bring us gets lost in this machine of conversations and debates about shit that don't even matter.
David Burie
And also that injury is part of the bigger story. Do you know what I mean? Like, that is how history remembers things. It's like, oh, they were neck and neck. Anything could have happened. And then their hero goes down.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, he goes down.
David Burie
That is how a championship can be won, too. And it's not. That doesn't taint the story. That just makes it the fucking story.
Jemele Hill
It just adds to. It's something that you remember. But as I've tried to tell people, even though this is probably for the situation, the most devastating injury I can think of.
David Burie
Yeah, for sure.
Jemele Hill
But along any championship path, it's always something that happens where somebody. A team benefits from someone else's misfortune. I mean, you know, I grew up. My coming of age with basketball was in the 80s. And when the Pistons, um. When they played the Lakers the first time in the finals, I mean, Isaiah was hurt. They lost. It was. Lakers are better team for the series. That's fine. The next year, Magic was hurt, they were healthy, and they beat the Lakers ass.
David Burie
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jemele Hill
So it's just. That's just sports. Like, that's what happens.
David Burie
I think about how different the league would be at large if Kevin Durant and Klay Thompson don't get injured in that. That Toronto series, right? Like, I think there's a world where, like, they win another championship, they're maybe still together, they work out the shit that they were struggling with emotionally social,
Jemele Hill
whatever the fuck I mean, and they
David Burie
keep riding, you know what I mean?
Jemele Hill
Like, maybe Draymond doesn't fire on Jordan Poole.
David Burie
Like, I don't know. Jordan Poole learns to act right because he gets slapped every week by this man. Jordan Poole got brain damage because of Draymond. All that could have been avoided.
Langston Kerman
Man, that shit seems so bad. Like, getting bullied at work is the worst.
David Burie
That's crazy.
Langston Kerman
It sucks.
David Burie
It's crazy.
Jemele Hill
Sucks, but only acceptable to sports. Like, yeah, I got football stories that are far worse than.
Langston Kerman
Really.
Jemele Hill
I mean, people be fighting. Shit.
Langston Kerman
You know what, though? You can get bullied at Target, too. Like, I. I think it does happen everywhere.
Jemele Hill
It does have just. It's just more extreme. Like the. The. The. The docu series or the documentary that's on Netflix right now is part of their. That Untold series.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. Yeah, I love those.
Jemele Hill
The Gilbert arenas, Javares Kritner 1. These dudes. I never would have thought the story would be two NBA players both bring their heat to the locker room. Like, they both bring their guns to the locker room. And it's. One of them eventually gets charged with murder. And then it's like, what?
Langston Kerman
One brought two?
Jemele Hill
Yeah, it's one brought two.
Langston Kerman
Two cartoon guns. Two Elmer fought.
David Burie
Yeah. He was, like, looking for.
Langston Kerman
I have a tiger striped. 3.
David Burie
He was, like, looking for silly ones. He said, what's my silliest gun? That's gonna make everybody laugh when I pull it out on this nigga.
Jemele Hill
This wild. But. Yes, But I wish we concentrated a little bit more on the. On the joy of sports. The fact that we're watching very ridiculously physically built human beings do things that nobody should be able to do.
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, definitely.
David Burie
We didn't even come here to talk about any of this. No, no, this is not the plan. But this is beautiful. You came to us, Jamel, with a conspiracy theory that I'm excited to say is the first ever conversation he and I had on this podcast. But you framed it in a way that I don't think we ever really thought about.
Langston Kerman
No, I didn't understand the format.
David Burie
That's not what I'm accusing you of.
Langston Kerman
Okay. I do remember, though.
David Burie
I was like, I think you've evolved the conversation is what I mean to say. But you said, my mama told me Only black celebrities get put into the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
I mean, the Illuminati. I'm struggling to understand what it is, like, what is supposed to be the goals of the Illuminati?
David Burie
That's a great question.
Jemele Hill
Is it just world domination? Is it establishing a global currency? What's the end game of the Illuminati?
Langston Kerman
There does seem to need to be some kind of, like, they need some structure. Yeah. Because it's also because I think if it was anything actually that important, it wouldn't be celebrity, I guess you understand. There's no. You don't ever. Nobody's ever like, oh, all these brain surgeons and doctors. It's always just like basketball. It's like rappers. What are you talking about?
David Burie
You're not like, I think my. My. I think my orthopedist is in the game.
Jemele Hill
All right.
David Burie
You're making a lot of money over there.
Langston Kerman
Who owns 15 Burger Kings. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying?
Jemele Hill
It's never just your run of the mill business person. That's, like, part of the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
There's, like, actors.
Jemele Hill
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Who aren't really good at anything.
Jemele Hill
It's like, oh, okay, she twerks a lot. Got it. Illuminati material.
Langston Kerman
Clearly some type of a higher order.
Jemele Hill
Yeah. But you never hear white celebrities being put in the Illuminati. And I was like, is it racial? Is like, what is the racial divide there? Like, you don't. You hear Tom Cruise associated with a lot of other shit.
Langston Kerman
Obviously, I was gonna say arose by any other name. Right. What the Top of Scientology would.
Jemele Hill
Is it a different kind of Illuminati? Is that.
Langston Kerman
That's what I think.
David Burie
I think that. That certainly, if we're talking about goals. Right. Part of what I've always understood to be the Illuminati's intention is, like, co op. I think they're like a co op of rich motherfuckers. And so in that way, it's like this shared work of just keeping our co op thriving.
Langston Kerman
Right.
David Burie
And so, like, if you make it in, you never go broke again. You get all the protections of what this institution represents, so long as you're willing to play the game the way we play the game.
Jemele Hill
This. This sounds like the co op that Prop Joe built in the Wire.
David Burie
Okay.
Jemele Hill
Is that what it's like? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
David Burie
I like this.
Jemele Hill
I mean, is Marlo eventually going to be, like, the price of the brick going up?
David Burie
And I think. And there are some arguments to be made about the Diddy situation. That is the conspiracy that people are making about Diddy's situation is that he was buying into the co op, he did wrong by the alcohol company that asked him to do behaviors, whatever. He said no. This is the hero story they always tell. Diddy said no. I'm a business of my own. I stand on mine. And then suddenly we're finding out about all of his sexual.
Jemele Hill
It's like an evolution of. Bill Cosby was buying NBC.
David Burie
There we go.
Jemele Hill
Ok.
David Burie
Right.
Jemele Hill
It's like that.
David Burie
Which. Which we now know to be true.
Jemele Hill
What?
Langston Kerman
Here it goes.
David Burie
That's 100% true. That is 100% true. He was legitimately trying to buy NBC. But where people fuck around is the years are way off from what he was doing. You know what I mean?
Jemele Hill
That like, was this like the height of Cosby or something?
David Burie
This was. No, this was like after his, his second Cosby, after like that, that other one got canceled. He then was like furious with the institution at large and was like, I'm gonna change the whole thing. Made them an offer that was more than they actually were like meant to be getting. And they still said no on some. Like we did. We just don't. We don't want you to be the guy.
Langston Kerman
Right.
David Burie
And so like he was legitimately trying to buy NBC. That said it. It ain't timing out the way people wanted to.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
Like he did that. And then the year later they were like, we got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, you know, 10 years before anybody even accused him of any.
Jemele Hill
Okay, okay. Cause I totally thought that was completely false. Like Bill Cosby about to buy it.
Langston Kerman
You know what I always think about the black Illuminati. I'm just thinking about this is also like, have some decorum. It's a lot of first time members. Oh, oh. You know what I'm saying?
Jemele Hill
So you feel like it's not enough legacy? I think that would be.
Langston Kerman
That's like how you build a strong base. Right. But you're letting all these first time celebrities in.
Jemele Hill
A lot of new money. A lot of new money.
Langston Kerman
Come on. A lot of new money. And that's my issue with the black Illuminati is like, save it for your children. How.
David Burie
How far into your career do you have to be to make it into the Illuminati?
Jemele Hill
Like, is there money, nigga hoping 15 years. Like, is there a money minimum to being in the Illustrative?
David Burie
I'm curious about it.
Jemele Hill
The three names you hear about the most in the Illuminati are Oprah, Jay Z and Beyonce. Right, Those three. Are there other black multi?
Langston Kerman
Who's the woman who owns bet?
David Burie
Deborah Johnson. Ain't that it?
Jemele Hill
Well, Sheila Johnson was Bob Johnson's ex wife. Yeah, yeah, right. Like that's. They were married and then.
Langston Kerman
Right.
Jemele Hill
And now, I mean, Viacom runs bet, so I'm not really sure.
David Burie
They used to be the lady.
Langston Kerman
That's who I'm thinking of.
David Burie
Boondocks made fun of.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jemele Hill
Oh, oh, you talking about Deborah Lee?
David Burie
Deborah Lee.
Jemele Hill
Deborah Lee, yes, yes. Debra Lee, Right? Correct. Okay, so she is not or is in the Illuminati.
David Burie
I think if Deborra Lee ain't in the Illuminati, it's not a real institution. I think that's a powerful, powerful figure.
Jemele Hill
Like, you gotta. If you don't have Deborra Lee in there, how good is your Illuminati?
Langston Kerman
Right?
David Burie
That's what I would say. Yeah. Because if we're talking about, like, for real, not celebrity, she's not really a celebrity. We only know her name because she's rich. We don't even like what she makes. You know what I mean? Like, everybody's always going like, man, fuck, bet. But you still know the president's name.
Langston Kerman
That's some heat in the catalog.
David Burie
No, I'm not saying. I'm not saying that's my position. I'm saying that is the language around bet. We've always been very sort of judgmental of bet, and we still know to kiss the ring. That's a powerful individual.
Jemele Hill
Well, but the thing is, though, with bet is like, this is why I never understood the judgment. It's like, we judge bet, but watch the same shit somewhere else. It's like you just don't want BET to show it.
David Burie
Right?
Langston Kerman
It's better bet.
Jemele Hill
Got this money.
Langston Kerman
That's what it feels like, baby boy.
David Burie
Feel good wherever you watch it.
Langston Kerman
Come on, come on. I just want to watch the game. Season 15.
David Burie
Come on.
Jemele Hill
Don't take away my Marguerite runs.
David Burie
I'm telling you. Right?
Langston Kerman
Also, I thought they went crazy with those New Edition movies.
David Burie
I thought they were pretty good.
Langston Kerman
Those were great.
Jemele Hill
They did that.
David Burie
They were pretty good.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Yeah. My guilty pleasure. BET watch is for my man.
Langston Kerman
I'm not even up. I'm not even up on it.
David Burie
I don't know this one.
Jemele Hill
All right, so this is about women who have murdered or done something. It's usually murder, though. It's not usually stealing. It's usually like, straight up murdered for my man.
David Burie
Whoa. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
That's a beautiful premise. See what I'm saying, I do like that.
David Burie
And this is a documentary.
Jemele Hill
This is a docuseries. Yeah, it's like, it's like first 48, but it's like the. It's like the N version of Snapped, Right? That's like, what it is. And it's like all women, and they just like, yeah, like, I heal for my man. Like, I put this down for my man.
Langston Kerman
Like, everyone that's available on the app.
Jemele Hill
It is available on the app. It is on bt. It is supreme watching. And it's. No, I like that you shot like, a Hype Williams video. Like, it's amazing.
Langston Kerman
I really like everything about that bet.
Jemele Hill
Like, I like bt.
David Burie
I've always liked bet.
Jemele Hill
I had a show. I had no issue with bet. If anything, my issue is, like, they don't take enough chances, right? And it's like, there's things like the New Edition one, to me, was a very strategic swing. They know the audience they were going for. They drill down on what is a story that's important to black culture, and they told it. And I think there's a lot of those opportunities that's out there for them.
Langston Kerman
They also kind of oversaturated the market, though, because they did New Edition, then they did the Bobby Brown, which was also good. Amazing three movie series. But then they also had the Bobby. Like, they just kind of like. It's like, we only nine of these movies. There's a little bit.
Jemele Hill
Maybe we'll get that Ralph Trazpa at the biofit. We do.
Langston Kerman
You know what I want is a Shine movie. I've been saying for years, but they have a doc.
Jemele Hill
They don't have a movie.
Langston Kerman
But that's a film. That's a life worth of film, right? I think.
Jemele Hill
Yeah.
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
I'm gonna be shy.
David Burie
I don't think I'm gonna be shy, man.
Langston Kerman
No.
David Burie
Thank you, though. That's cool. That's cool that you're leaving me in that way.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
I think I'm all good on being shy.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, that's right.
Jemele Hill
But I mean, the conspiracy theory with the Illuminati, the other thing, I also wonder about it, other than, like, what's the goal? What's the agenda is. Oh, you know what? Will Smith, he was another one that's supposed to be the Illuminati.
David Burie
100%. Yeah, he was an early. I would say early.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, he was an early favorite in the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, definitely. I think that's like the Smith family in general, I think, is like, maybe the number one thing.
David Burie
I think about when you think Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
About the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
David Burie
I guess my question.
Langston Kerman
And that's also maybe my age as well, and, like, you know, me growing up, seeing Will Smith's catastrophic, you know, the whole rise.
David Burie
My question off of that, then, and this is for us at large, is, are we the ones that are making the Illuminati black? You know what I mean? That, like, are we. Because this is who we're consuming. That is the names we're circulating, rather than it being like, oh, everybody's. They have. They talk about the Illuminati in the white community. We're just not clocking in that like they do.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I never hear them say anything about it.
Jemele Hill
I don't think that they. If they. Well, I'll tell you what I think. If they do put people in the Illuminati, if white people are out there, they're putting people like Elon Musk in the Illuminati.
David Burie
Sure.
Jemele Hill
Because. So your point is, like, we're putting all the entertainers. And maybe that's just because that's our obvious picture of wealth.
David Burie
Yeah, right.
Jemele Hill
It's like the one we're more familiar with, the sports figures, the entertainers, you know, that kind of thing. And for, like, white people, I think they would put in, like, Elon Musk
David Burie
or the Rothschilds or they're putting something like hot glue.
Jemele Hill
Exactly.
David Burie
And we like who. They're like, no, no, no, you don't get it. This motherfucker made glue hot. He's pretty much the richest man that ever was.
Langston Kerman
I have heard a lot of white people talk about the Rothschilds in a way that I don't love bringing it up on this podcast, to be honest.
David Burie
The Vanderbilts, you know what I mean?
Langston Kerman
Like, weird families, institutional American families, they
Jemele Hill
will put in the Illuminati. And I don't know if that refle. Just where we are as black people. The fact that we are putting, like, yes, Oprah. It's gotta be her. She's the richest black woman ever. You know what I'm saying?
Langston Kerman
But when we talk about these richer white families, I think there is also a level of, like, you know, there are presidents in the skull and bones or whatever. Like, all that kind of stuff is. Is that not Illuminati?
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Is Obama now Illuminati? Is Obama, I think.
David Burie
Absolutely.
Langston Kerman
I really can't tell you.
Jemele Hill
Undecided.
Langston Kerman
He's like, I waffle with him. I waffle with him.
Jemele Hill
Is it.
David Burie
You think he's. You think he's like, not. You think he's chilling?
Langston Kerman
I think I want him to be a good man so bad.
David Burie
Oh.
Langston Kerman
And I see. I see this current Jennifer Aniston situation, and I'm like, look, if he was in the.
Jemele Hill
Oh, shit, I forgot the conspiracy.
Langston Kerman
If he was in the Illuminati, they would have thrown him a friend. They give you a friend in the Illuminati. You get a friend if you're in the Illuminati.
David Burie
Right?
Jemele Hill
Do you mean like an actual member of the Friends cast, or do you mean just.
Langston Kerman
I mean, if you're in the black Illuminati, they let you fuck one of the friends.
Jemele Hill
Okay. I do think that I'm like Courtney Cox. What?
David Burie
Anyone?
Langston Kerman
Anyone?
Jemele Hill
Anyone?
Langston Kerman
It could be Joey. David Schwimmer. Is that David Schwimmer?
Jemele Hill
Yes. He's a friend.
Langston Kerman
He's a friend.
David Burie
He's a friend.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I think you get a friend if you're in the illness.
Jemele Hill
Get a friend.
Langston Kerman
And it doesn't. We.
David Burie
Yeah. I think it would be absurd to call an American president somehow safe from the Illuminati, that he's, like, not tapping in over there.
Langston Kerman
You think every president was in the Illuminati?
David Burie
100%.
Langston Kerman
Jimmy Carter was in the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
No way.
David Burie
Jimmy Carter.
Langston Kerman
Carter was not in the. Come on, let's.
David Burie
100%. That's.
Jemele Hill
If he were really in the Illuminati, he'd have lasted. He wouldn't be on that list of incumbents that lost.
Langston Kerman
The man was a bean farmer.
David Burie
I think that's why they got mad. Y' all have to remember that Jimmy Carter wasn't like, this groundbreaking dude right from the start.
Langston Kerman
Right?
David Burie
He came in and then started doing them fireside chats and acting funny and being weird to them, and they were like, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jemele Hill
He was too human.
Langston Kerman
He was too human.
David Burie
He was seeing those meetings. He was experiencing what they were doing in there. And he was going, bro, I gotta talk to the people.
Langston Kerman
Right?
David Burie
This is crazy, right?
Langston Kerman
And then they were like, fine.
David Burie
You'll go.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, we don't care. Yeah, well, we wanted Billy anyways.
David Burie
Yeah, we'll replace Drunk brother.
Langston Kerman
Was Billy your brother who sold beer? You know he had that drunk brother who sold beer?
Jemele Hill
I remember that vaguely. I didn't remember his name. Every president.
David Burie
I don't.
Langston Kerman
I don't.
David Burie
Give me one who ain't.
Jemele Hill
I mean, I don't think JFK was in the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
I don't think so.
Jemele Hill
Because if he was, he'd Be here.
David Burie
You think they don't let that shot get off? If the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
I mean, if he was really part of the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Come on.
Jemele Hill
There's gotta be some protection in the Illuminati.
David Burie
I can't.
Langston Kerman
Camelot out. See what I'm saying, Right? Like, as far as. Like, I think there were.
David Burie
I guess what I'm saying is, I think that if the Illuminati is, in fact, this. This real co op, as we are now understanding it, that it is. It is like any co op where if you rub the wrong people wrong, you will find yourself put out quickly or upcharged or in debt, in danger in a way that you weren't previously.
Jemele Hill
I think if you've been assassinated, I don't think you've been a part of. Or the Illuminati didn't accept you, it was something you didn't do.
Langston Kerman
What if there was an attempt? You think the same thing?
Jemele Hill
No, I think that's just a scare tactic. Okay, then they're just trying to scare you into acting, right.
Langston Kerman
I don't think they would have let Trump in because he's a hillbilly. Mm. He's uncouth.
Jemele Hill
He is. But he also would try to come in on some wrecking ball shit. And they, like, we down in certain
Langston Kerman
order to our shit, but everybody rejects him. That's his whole get down. Right.
David Burie
I don't know, y'.
Listener Caller
All.
Langston Kerman
I think also, why are we talking about any Italians?
Jemele Hill
Any Illuminati?
Langston Kerman
It's. No. Okay. This is not. This is not.
David Burie
Hey, no, don't lose me right now, you playboy.
Langston Kerman
Don't lose me right now.
David Burie
Find your camera.
Langston Kerman
It's clearly an Italian word. It started in Italy. We have talked about no Italians.
Jemele Hill
And everyone.
Langston Kerman
That's crazy.
David Burie
Both of those things are not true.
Langston Kerman
It's an Italian word.
David Burie
I think it's a Latin word.
Langston Kerman
Oh, that's different. I thought it was about. I thought it was Italian.
David Burie
Illuminati. I don't think it's that.
Langston Kerman
I thought it was started by the fetuccinis.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, I don't think.
David Burie
I don't think you're gonna find this on, like, a menu.
Langston Kerman
That's disappointing. I really thought it was based in Italy. I thought it was like La Costa Nostra. I thought it was started over there and came over here.
Jemele Hill
That sounds true, though.
Langston Kerman
That feels right.
Jemele Hill
Just say it feels that fel. Right. I was like.
Langston Kerman
I was sitting here. I was like, no one Italian. This is crazy.
Jemele Hill
Sorry. What can I say?
Langston Kerman
But it did start in Europe. It didn't start here.
David Burie
That is true. And maybe this is a good segue for us to we're going to take a break and when we come back, I did some research on the Illuminati that I I'd like to discuss and we can. We can see if we can come to a conclusion on this old thing
Langston Kerman
and we can find where the Italians are.
David Burie
Find those Italians. We know you're in there. We'll be back with more Jamel Hill. More My Mama Told Me.
Langston Kerman
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David Burie
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David Burie
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Langston Kerman
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Kel Penn
Hey, everyone, it's Cal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project, Hail Mary Massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.
Ray Porter
I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections, and it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo. Is this indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no. At this point, it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that have that deeply, emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic. That's great, because it served the story. People will say, like, oh, my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.
Kel Penn
Listen to Hearsay, the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
David Burie
But we're gonna do this respectfully. Otherwise will end in a duel. And I mean a duel. Real life duel, where only one person walks away. We can meet with guns, bottles, knives, or books and equations, but we're gonna do this like men.
Langston Kerman
So get ready and get ready for this. Langston did some research on the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
I'm just imagining an equation. Fight. That's what I was thinking of. I was like, my ex versus your Y. What you gonna do?
Langston Kerman
Gravel. Parabola.
Jemele Hill
Jesus. Time.
David Burie
Yeah, they're both curved. That's pretty cool. He's the funniest man. I don't know. He's really, really pretty much the greatest guy. We got close, Jamel. I did some research. We were talking about the Italian roots of the Illuminati moments ago, but the Illuminati is actually Bavarian. It originally started in Bavaria.
Jemele Hill
Okay.
David Burie
It was a secret society that operated from 1776 to 1785.
Jemele Hill
That sounded a long run.
Langston Kerman
That is not a long run. Is it just a coincidence that it started when America started? Whoa.
Jemele Hill
There you go, connecting the dots.
Langston Kerman
Right?
David Burie
Okay. I don't know that I ever thought about that. I don't know why it's 1776, but it did start exactly when America started. They had some shit going before they died.
Jemele Hill
Started as an interesting word.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
This wasn't like a vacant parking lot.
Langston Kerman
They had some.
Jemele Hill
Hey, no start America right there. There you go.
Langston Kerman
Nobody's there.
Jemele Hill
So did they disclose who was in the Bavarian Illuminati?
David Burie
So it was started by a dude named Adam Weishaupt.
Langston Kerman
I'm out.
David Burie
You don't like that? That rubs you wrong.
Langston Kerman
I thought it was Freddy Spaghetti and them. The idea that it's a bunch of German dudes just doesn't.
David Burie
That'.
Langston Kerman
This doesn't seem nearly as interesting as I thought.
David Burie
A German lawmaker who believed strongly in Enlightenment ideals and specifically worked to promote the principles among the elites. So it was trying to get Enlightenment to the elite class of society always
Langston Kerman
works well when Germans go that way.
Jemele Hill
It's such an amazing track record. Amazing.
David Burie
Three for three. You say we, not the goat, but three for three.
Langston Kerman
This is racist. Like, as soon as you started talking about this, I was like, oh, this isn't even sexy anymore.
David Burie
All right.
Langston Kerman
The Illuminati, I thought it was a bunch of suave
David Burie
in those cloaks, but they're naked underneath, and you're like, damn, this kind of nasty. Y' all get down.
Langston Kerman
I didn't think about it. Any of them eating sausages?
David Burie
Yeah. Nah, this is goofy shit. It was a part of a European intellectual movement of the 17th and 18th century that emphasized an individualism and reasoning over tradition, which I will say then kind of makes me feel like at least what people claim about the Illuminati makes sense.
Langston Kerman
Right?
David Burie
That their intentions are, like, gaining individual power beyond reason. Like, beyond, like, I mean, some talented 10 shit, basically.
Jemele Hill
Right. But in that case, I mean, it might have been even less than 10% that they were trying to appeal these ideals to. So does it. Does it say beyond that? Like, what, were they trying to take over the world? Or they were just. Just trying to enlighten the rich people. And then I'm like, enlighten them to do what?
Langston Kerman
Yeah, also, you set a hard end date, which makes me wonder. Like, they just were like, they quit.
David Burie
Yeah. So it.
Langston Kerman
They were like, nah.
Jemele Hill
They're like, this kind of didn't work out.
Langston Kerman
We tried it. We tried it.
David Burie
Y' all just want to stop calling each other that, right?
Langston Kerman
Yeah, no, we still meet up.
David Burie
We just. You ain't got to call me Mr. No More. It's cool. We friends here.
Jemele Hill
Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Okay. It's just Rick. All right, it's just Rick now.
David Burie
So the group originally started with six to nine guys, and at its largest grew to somewhere between. And this is a pretty big range. 650 to 2,500 people.
Langston Kerman
That's a huge wow.
Jemele Hill
That's. That is not as indiscriminate as it seems like it should be.
David Burie
No. And you would think the Illuminati would have a clearer track if they had. But maybe that speaks to some of, like how it becomes this larger lore. Right. Is that because they don't know exactly if it's 650 or 2500? Everybody becomes a weird suspect of this organization that didn't really do shit.
Langston Kerman
That's what I was gonna ask. What are their notable accomplishments? Cause it just still sounds like kind of some shitty rich guys hanging out. Like, did they get anything done? They get some books.
David Burie
What's weird is the Illuminati, at least in the beginning, was largely opposed to the ruling class. Like it was meant to be like.
Jemele Hill
Like anti establishment.
Listener Caller
Yeah.
David Burie
Anti establishment shit. And they were closer to like anonymous, you know what I mean? Like Skull and Bones type shit. And then eventually found themselves shifting, I think in part because you can't get the elite together without them protecting a large. Right. That's the danger of capitalism, as we talk about it is like, I make money and then I start to build a community with people who make money. And I can't fuck up your money. No, I gotta be cool and like, not. Not do bad things to your money, even though I know your money is nasty.
Langston Kerman
I can't even really disrupt the system in a real way.
Jemele Hill
No. So that they clearly weren't trying to disrupt the system. They were just trying to overtake it and be more powerful.
David Burie
Which is.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Disappointing.
Langston Kerman
Huh? It was way better as Italians.
Jemele Hill
Who would be the lead Italian in the Italian Illuminati?
David Burie
That's a good question. And I'm talking about.
Langston Kerman
Are we talking about current days?
Jemele Hill
You do current day. I mean, look, I think the fascists
Langston Kerman
were in there, right? Mussolini was probably.
Jemele Hill
Oh, Mussolini.
Langston Kerman
Okay, sure.
Jemele Hill
Yeah.
David Burie
Now give us a fun one. Go ahead and throw a fun one in there.
Langston Kerman
I mean, there's so many fun ones. They're such a musical people. They're such a light hearted
Jemele Hill
Sinatra.
Langston Kerman
I think Fellini. I think Fellini was probably.
David Burie
You're thinking of like over there. Italians.
Langston Kerman
Oh, I was not thinking of ours.
Jemele Hill
Oh, you weren't thinking about Americans?
Langston Kerman
I wasn't thinking of ours. No, no, no.
Jemele Hill
Like a combination, like Pavarotti.
David Burie
I thought you were gonna be like Guy Fieri and the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
That's why you said Tony Danza. You were Tony Danza.
David Burie
What?
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
That money kept him safe. He did something right. You know what I mean? He had a right person pocket.
Langston Kerman
Tony Danza is probably caked up, though, right?
David Burie
He's caked up syndication in the 80s.
Jemele Hill
He's in the power universe.
David Burie
And that's. And that's what makes me think Illuminati, because something changed.
Jemele Hill
Something went wrong.
David Burie
This isn't the Tony dance that we grew up with. What the fuck is he doing over there? Unless he burned a bridge.
Langston Kerman
Is his name a Tony on Power, too?
Jemele Hill
No, I feel like it's not. I feel like it's something else.
David Burie
I hope his name is Tony in everything he does.
Langston Kerman
That's amazing.
David Burie
Wasn't it in Taxi, too? He was Tony in Taxi.
Langston Kerman
He was Tony.
Jemele Hill
Oh, my God.
Langston Kerman
I think that's the way to get into show business.
David Burie
That's a flex.
Langston Kerman
Really? Really? That. That would be great.
David Burie
They were like, bro, we can't even imagine you different.
Langston Kerman
You got to be Tony.
David Burie
You got to be Tony Tony.
Jemele Hill
But he's allowed to be different types of Tony.
David Burie
That's true.
Jemele Hill
Because he was, like, the. The goofball, like, dummy in Taxi right then.
Langston Kerman
He was very different from who's the Boss?
Jemele Hill
Very different from who's the Boss. It took him, like, 35 years to finally get with Judith Light, like, hooked
David Burie
up to the boss. He was like. Like, more smooth talking.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, smooth talking, but yet a very progressive man for the time.
David Burie
He was progressive.
Langston Kerman
Oh, because he worked in the house?
Jemele Hill
Cause he was. Yeah, he was the house manager, if you will. And.
David Burie
And he protected those women.
Jemele Hill
He did.
David Burie
He really, like, was like, no, I believe in y'. All.
Jemele Hill
Raise a single dad raising.
David Burie
Yes. He was like, I'm dumb, so. You're right.
Jemele Hill
You're right. Exactly.
David Burie
That was his whole thing, every episode.
Langston Kerman
I didn't really care for him on that show as a Mona guy.
Jemele Hill
Whoa. Oh, really?
David Burie
Yeah. Mona was a baddie.
Jemele Hill
She was spicy.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. No, it's like the same. I was a Blanche guy as well.
Jemele Hill
It's like a. Oh, you like the spicier.
Langston Kerman
That's the word for you.
Jemele Hill
You like spicy white.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Okay, I got it.
Langston Kerman
I think that I like older women who like to entertain.
Jemele Hill
Seasoned. Yes, Seasoned ladies of spice.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
I will say that Blanche's stories always felt like the life most lived.
Langston Kerman
Yes.
David Burie
Like everybody else, they'd recount the story, and it's like, ah, that's kind of sad.
Langston Kerman
Oh, yeah. And Dorothy would be like, oh, what time in Minnesota's like, bitch, shut up, Blanche, out. You're fucking. Like, I don't care what you have to say.
Jemele Hill
Oh, wait, no, that was Betty White. That Was Rose. Because she was from St. Olive. Rose was from Minnesota.
David Burie
Blanche was the big old sad one.
Langston Kerman
No, no, no, no, no, no. You're talking about Bea Arthur.
Jemele Hill
Bea Arthur. Blanche was the. Dorothy was the big old sandwich.
David Burie
Yeah, yeah.
Langston Kerman
Blanche had. She had a guy named Big Daddy for a while.
David Burie
She was going crazy.
Jemele Hill
Blanche was a city girl.
Langston Kerman
That's what I liked.
Jemele Hill
Like, I mean, and, you know, that's my thing. She's in Miami. But, you know, when you watch Golden Girls, it is like, it was ahead of its time in so many ways. And, like, some of the episodes you forget about, like, some of the. The deeper, like, social justice kind of episodes they had. Like, when Blanche. I think her brother was gay. That was one.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Yes, her brother was gay. Then they did a racial. They did a racial one, but I'm
David Burie
pretty sure they did a few racial ones.
Jemele Hill
They did a couple racial ones, and I was like, look at Golden Girl.
David Burie
Yeah, they.
Langston Kerman
By the way, I think that's the best setup for a television show is give me whatever and then let me see them face everything I don't want to see. Not everything has to be this niche group and only what they experience. Yeah. I don't mind. Just, like, give me five people and then have it all happen to them. Like, I like that.
David Burie
You know, I do, too. Carmichael's show did a good job of that.
Langston Kerman
They did.
David Burie
Hey, this just is happening in this area, so y' all gotta. Y' all gotta deal with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice when it feels like they're living in the same world that we live in.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
So you. No love for Sofia, like, that was.
Langston Kerman
She was funny. She was funny. She was funny.
David Burie
She was very wonderful.
Langston Kerman
She was cutting. I. I liked that.
David Burie
They never really wrote any story for.
Jemele Hill
That's what I'm saying.
Langston Kerman
She never had much to do. She never had much.
Jemele Hill
I mean, she was just there, really to roast people.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
That was, like, effectively every once in
David Burie
a while, she admits something to Bea Arthur that, like, kind of rounded out the character, but, like, it wasn't.
Jemele Hill
That wasn't her.
David Burie
It wasn't a lot. You know what I mean?
Langston Kerman
She was the oldest lady. You know, it was hard.
David Burie
But she was also the youngest lady
Langston Kerman
in real life, right?
Jemele Hill
In real life, yeah.
David Burie
She caught a bad one.
Jemele Hill
The recent. They didn't do it dirty, though.
Langston Kerman
That is crazy.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
And then I remember it would freak me out when I would see her not in the Golden Girls, like, you know, get up, and I was like, oh, my gosh. She's like, 30 years younger than the character she's playing. Like, she's still around now.
Langston Kerman
No.
Jemele Hill
No, she's not.
David Burie
Yeah, I think they're all gone.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, I think they're all.
David Burie
Damn. Betty White was the last one. Betty White died in, what, 99.
Jemele Hill
99. Yeah.
David Burie
I mean, you guys asked the question, and I do have an answer to it, but maybe we should take the. Well, no, no, we'll do this. Before we do the break, the question of how the Illuminati got broken up. In 1785, the Duke of Bavaria banned all secret societies, and the Illuminati was, quote, unquote, wiped out. Now, in 1798, though, this is where it gets exciting. In 1798, George Washington. Yeah. He was like, hey, don't do that.
Jemele Hill
What kind of Illuminati is that? Right?
Langston Kerman
Italians would never.
David Burie
Would never.
Jemele Hill
Tony Danza never would never.
Langston Kerman
Come on.
David Burie
He was the boss.
Langston Kerman
He was the boss.
David Burie
Well, it's just. Who was it? We don't know.
Langston Kerman
But Angelo was one of the bosses.
Jemele Hill
He was one, at least. Exactly.
David Burie
But in 1798, George Washington wrote a letter about the Illuminati where he speculated that the threat had largely been beaten, but mentioned the group helped their infamy by sort of like, not being clearly wiped out. That, like, he said, they had largely been beaten, but left enough space in whatever he was saying that it started to build lore around the Illuminati, and a few other guys after that start to do something similar where they'll, like, acknowledge its existence, but not fully be like, it's stupid, it's old. It doesn't exist anymore.
Jemele Hill
There's a lot of questions there because those original Illuminatis have descendants, Right? Where did those descendants wind up? And, you know, especially, I imagine everybody wasn't down to just end the Illuminati. So they might have been teaching another Illuminati class. How to Illuminati.
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Well, okay. And that's my question, though, is what is how to Illuminati? Cause still sounds like they ain't on shit.
David Burie
I mean, but if you got.
Langston Kerman
What if they got. What if they. What are they doing?
David Burie
If you got the President of the United States writing letters.
Jemele Hill
I got a point about presidents, Right.
David Burie
You're a mover and shaker. And yes, George Washington acknowledging it means he was part of the Illuminati. He was a part of the Illuminati. And I stand behind her original statement.
Jemele Hill
I feel like Andrew Jackson was too
David Burie
loose to be real.
Jemele Hill
Like, they would be like, we good
David Burie
on that one, I think they liked him the most. I think they were like, look, I say crazy. This does it. That's cool.
Jemele Hill
I mean, he was a drunk. He was a gambler.
David Burie
He was walking down the street shooting people in the head.
Langston Kerman
He didn't give a.
Jemele Hill
That's true.
David Burie
That's. That's a.
Jemele Hill
Tell me they let old stale ass Rutherford be Hayes up in the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Come on. There's some boring ones.
Jemele Hill
Some boring ones that you gonna be like, we can't. Warren G. Harding.
David Burie
I think they had a big orangey bathtub.
Langston Kerman
They had a big talk with tap captain.
David Burie
I think they talked to him.
Langston Kerman
This man did other stuff. I think they said he wasn't just a fat guy. I think they said he was a president. Respect him. That's all we talk about is the dub with that guy.
David Burie
They said, hey, man, you're doing something real nasty to your situation and we gotta be better. And he said, I'm sorry, I will. And I think he did some stuff. I think you're right. You probably did some stuff. But we're gonna remember that bad thing.
Langston Kerman
No, we don't. I don't know what he did. What's the most. What is his biggest legacy as a president?
David Burie
Bathtub and mustache. That's what I know, bro.
Langston Kerman
We don't know anything. We don't know anything. That man did.
Jemele Hill
You are right about abe Laker.
David Burie
Illuminati 100%.
Langston Kerman
But he was black.
David Burie
He got shot by a celebrity.
Langston Kerman
Was John Wilkes Booth the celebrity?
David Burie
He was like the Brad Pitt of that generation.
Jemele Hill
Rapid shot Bray.
David Burie
Pitt shot the president.
Langston Kerman
I knew he was an actor, but he was that guy.
David Burie
He was that guy dog.
Jemele Hill
Oh, okay. I thought he was just some struggling. Didn't nobody know who he was.
David Burie
This was Timothee Chalamet climbing up there and shooting the president.
Langston Kerman
Was he tiny, too?
David Burie
I don't know. Timothy Chalamet's actually pretty tall.
Langston Kerman
Really? Yeah.
David Burie
He's like 6ft. 6ft tall.
Langston Kerman
I thought he was a little guy.
David Burie
Nah, that's a big dude. That's how he has all that confidence.
Langston Kerman
That's not nearly as good of a story.
David Burie
Oh, yeah.
Langston Kerman
I think I thought he was like. I thought he was tiny. Dynamite. Like a little firecracker.
David Burie
You thought he was above all odds I will succeed.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, I thought he was just like a little baby guy.
David Burie
Nope. Just a tall, handsome, sexy dude.
Langston Kerman
Oh, so he's a tall guy who's having it says we're modeling. That's not even cool.
David Burie
Yeah. Nah, it's pretty Sick. Oh, my God.
Jemele Hill
The things you learn. I know Lincoln, but it's the whole, you know, him ending slavery thing, sort of, kind of.
David Burie
I think that could be the argument.
Langston Kerman
Sure.
Jemele Hill
It's like, may. Maybe it's, you know, the Illuminati not being down with that said, you know what?
David Burie
Imagine how many people's money he fucked up.
Jemele Hill
Exactly. A lot.
Langston Kerman
Half the country.
David Burie
And you fucked it up in a way where, like, I ain't never gonna see that again.
Langston Kerman
No, because they knew how sweet they. I mean, listen, free labor is like. Like, they were like, this is.
Jemele Hill
I mean. And the reparations, again, wasn't shit compared to, like, what they lost. Right.
Langston Kerman
I don't know. Put myself in the mindset of them, but they must have been like, yes,
Jemele Hill
channel your inner slave.
Langston Kerman
I'm just saying. I'm just saying. To get free labor is like. You must have been like. And you came over here and stole the land anyways. You must have been like, this is never going to stop. And then somebody coming and being like, no, you have to try to kill him.
David Burie
It's crazy.
Langston Kerman
You got to try to kill him.
David Burie
I'd shoot my brother for it.
Jemele Hill
Frederick died Douglas. Illuminati.
David Burie
I think Frederick Douglass. Absolutely Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Come on, man.
David Burie
I think he married a white woman. He married a white woman. Immediately.
Jemele Hill
Immediately.
Langston Kerman
He had a black lady. He did.
Jemele Hill
And he was like. You know, he got narratives.
David Burie
He had a black lady, but to
Jemele Hill
do that during that time, and he was like, that's some Illuminati shit right there.
Langston Kerman
Baby, I. Yeah, he felt. He felt untouchable.
David Burie
He was like, baby, I don't know how to explain this to you, but we can't be together no more. Your hands, they got scars on them. I can't. Oh, I gotta move on.
Jemele Hill
See the keloids? Like.
David Burie
Yeah, that's not.
Jemele Hill
That's not where he was.
David Burie
Look. Cause if I take you to dinner, to Mr. Chow's, they gonna see it on your fingers.
Jemele Hill
They gonna know.
David Burie
They gonna know. I can't.
Jemele Hill
Unfortunate. Unfortunate. Do you think there's been a lot of black leaders, political leaders, who've been. Other than. I mean, not counting Obama, like, who would put him behind.
Langston Kerman
Wait, I have one Al Sharpton.
Jemele Hill
Illuminati.
David Burie
You think Al Sharpton's Illuminati?
Langston Kerman
No, I'm asking how you feel.
David Burie
Oh, I don't think Al Sharpton's in the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
I don't think Al Sharp, man.
David Burie
I think Al Sharp.
Langston Kerman
Who fun is there?
David Burie
Happy to be there.
Langston Kerman
Whose Fun is there. Whose fun there? Who's fun?
David Burie
Yeah, yeah.
Jemele Hill
Is there, like, a comedian in there? Is like, Eddie Murphy.
David Burie
Oh, Eddie Murphy's in the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
Eddie Murphy. Murphy.
David Burie
I think Eddie Murphy's in the Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
He's Illuminati material.
David Burie
He makes reggae albums. He's so free. You know what I mean? Like, you have. That's a level of, like, evolves.
Jemele Hill
He's still peaceful.
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
He seems so zen.
David Burie
I think they. He may have been one of those hires where it just was clear from the beginning. Eddie, we're not gonna ask too much of you. We like your vibe.
Langston Kerman
You're just so talented.
David Burie
We like what you can do for sort of public manipulation. We're not gonna ask too much of you.
Jemele Hill
Could he have been like an honorary Illuminati?
David Burie
I think it might be that.
Jemele Hill
Yeah. Like, when you get an honorary degree, honorary memorial.
David Burie
That's how Bill Cosby is a doctor. Yeah, exactly.
Jemele Hill
There you go. He's honorary Illuminati.
Listener Caller
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
That's really probably the best position as a black man is the honorary.
Jemele Hill
Yeah. I think it has to be too committed.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
And you didn't have to go through the same ritual process that maybe the other ones did.
Langston Kerman
That's what I think. I think Eddie Murphy, they were like, hey, just pick somebody up on the street one time. We're going to catch you, humiliate you a little bit.
David Burie
Or maybe he rubbed somebody wrong and they were like, we got to do a humiliation ritual.
Langston Kerman
Sorry. Look, love you.
David Burie
You're so funny. Come on.
Langston Kerman
Yes, but the clumps, I loved it.
David Burie
But you did. You said some nasty things about him. So we're gonna have to. Yeah.
Jemele Hill
I feel like Sammy Davis Jr. Would have been in a little bit.
Langston Kerman
I think definitely.
Jemele Hill
I think definitely from an entertainer, fun guy like this.
David Burie
This is actually my favorite.
Langston Kerman
You heard him talking about the devil? Yeah. The.
David Burie
Eddie Murphy tells that story.
Langston Kerman
Eddie Murphy tells a story where he's like, in a limousine with Sammy Davis, and out of nowhere, they're at dinner. They're at dinner. And Sammy Davis Jr. Is like. Like, you know, the devil's just as powerful as God.
Jemele Hill
Right.
David Burie
And Eddie goes. Eddie goes, what? And then Sammy goes, oh, nothing.
Jemele Hill
See, that's some Illuminati. That's it. Where do you take the conversation when somebody says that? What's the follow up to that?
Langston Kerman
Okay, that's my problem, though, is I keep asking.
Jemele Hill
Oh, you. You would have interchanged.
Langston Kerman
I have to know because now I
Jemele Hill
got to know where this came from.
David Burie
And to bring us full circle. This is why I'm so scared of Tyler Perry, is because I would find myself at that table being like, you know who's so funny? Sammy Davis Jr. I would be like, he's the coolest guy and we should hang out with him every week. And now suddenly I'm worshiping the devil just cause I want to be around this funny ass dude. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Just cause it's hilarious.
David Burie
That's such a funny way to talk about the devil.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
To be like, you know he's just as powerful as Jesus, right? What? I don't know,
Jemele Hill
Sammy, on that shit, like, what's going on?
Langston Kerman
What did you say, Sammy? Ye.
Jemele Hill
It's either one of two reactions. Either you ask more questions as you seem to do, or I'm like the piano player in Color Purple where I'm just packing my shit immediately and be like, it was nice and I'm out. Because like, I don't know where you're going after that.
Langston Kerman
That's smarter. That's much smarter.
David Burie
Yeah, I just. I don't know how to pack up. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
I mean, I want to know. Too bad. I like weird people too much.
David Burie
Yeah. I'm gonna stick around for a while.
Jemele Hill
I mean, I made it for the story nine times out of ten.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
But I'm like, eh, maybe this one I don't need to hear.
David Burie
The last piece of information that I'll give you as it relates to the black Illuminati. Well, the Illuminati at large, let's say that while this secret society is proven to have existed and for generations they have not figured out ways to land down exactly what or who the Illuminati is to the larger point that we talked about in terms of it being celebrities that always get brought up. The American Legislative Exchange Council, ALEC is essentially that of businesses and tycoons and people. It is like a secret organization that focuses on sort of like this collective hive mind. How do we strategize to keep all of these businesses and people afloat? There's an active business or organization in front of us that is the Illuminati. We're wasting our time getting distracted, in
Langston Kerman
my opinion, by the black one.
David Burie
By accusing Beyonce.
Jemele Hill
By the celebrity one.
David Burie
Right.
Jemele Hill
We need to be on the.
Langston Kerman
There's a group.
Jemele Hill
There is. To your point about how. How come the experts. How come the experts are the major billionaires that are black people? How come you know that in the business world, how come they aren't put in the Illuminati? It's Kind of. It's kind of like when they. From a government standpoint, when they want to create black policies or.
David Burie
Yeah, yes.
Jemele Hill
They never bring the social scientists. They're like, you know what? Let's call Ice Cube. Why? No offense, but you know, the shoot
Langston Kerman
makes me feel crazy.
Jemele Hill
Yes.
Langston Kerman
It's like when you talk to a rapper about anything. Yeah. I love rap music, but I'm just saying, like, there are people who just go to school for stuff.
Jemele Hill
Yes. I mean, strangely enough, they have degrees on their lives or they've been on the grassroots in that field. It's like, well, we want to figure out how to, you know, reshape mass and incarceration. Let's call 50 cents.
David Burie
Like, what if I had 100 numbers in my phone, Ice Cube would not be on the list of people I would send. And that's not. We were just thinking highly of him yesterday. But what the fuck does this nigga know that's going to be helpful towards like true change?
Jemele Hill
Correct. They never call experts. But it's like always like, you know, in charge of hood. It's like, what the fuck are we?
Langston Kerman
Why it's so disrespectful to just like it's so disrespectful. You know what I mean? Just to think of that and to
David Burie
the larger point, it makes me feel like we are in some ways creating our own narrative by continuing to accuse our own of being in these secret societies when in fact Beyonce's not in the secret society. The company that owns the record label that Beyonce is under is in the secret society. You know what I mean? Like, that is. She's as much a product of what they want.
Langston Kerman
Right.
David Burie
And maybe you can argue that she is. She is being handled by the Illuminati, but certainly she's not like at a meeting.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I mean, it's also like as front facing as they are, celebrities are the tip of the iceberg for whatever money that there is being funneled into that. Right?
David Burie
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
None of them run the industries that give them that.
David Burie
They're always the poorest person in first class.
Langston Kerman
Exactly, exactly.
Jemele Hill
This felt like a. Remember how NBC used to have. The more, you know, I just feel like a rainbow should just come over right now. Trek.
Langston Kerman
The more.
David Burie
You know, Alec. Yes. Alec is the devil.
Jemele Hill
So it's like it feels like we need to get our alignment Illuminati game up. That we have been greatly underestimating our people. Like we're throwing all these celebrities in there. It's like, so what I have learned today Is that if I'm thinking about the Illuminati, I'm going to eliminate the celebrities. I'm going to immediately put, like, Robert Smith in there, the multi billionaire and other people. Melody Hopson.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. Byron Allen.
Jemele Hill
There we go. Yes. Let's bring some power and some economic muscle to our Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
And also because we're in here having these ideas. Us. Okay. Yeah, I think. Right. And we're restarting.
David Burie
I think you're actually moving backwards in terms of the argument.
Langston Kerman
No, I'm just saying. But, like, if we're restarting it up,
David Burie
I think if we can luckily get Byron Allen on the podcast, we can ask him straight up, like, what's the.
Jemele Hill
You in the Illuminati or not?
David Burie
And can we join your Illuminati honorary
Langston Kerman
Eddie Murphy style, man.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, Eddie Murphy does feel like an honorary Illuminati.
David Burie
100%.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, definitely. Definitely.
David Burie
You know, they're replacing After Midnight with his show.
Langston Kerman
Let's go. His show that he built himself by buying that dog shit airtime.
David Burie
But it's comics unleashed reruns. He bought the airtime four After Midnight to show his show that he don't even make no more.
Jemele Hill
So funny.
Langston Kerman
That's so funny.
Jemele Hill
That's genius and petty. I like the. I like the combination.
David Burie
He's just going to be sitting across from dead men. Do you know what I mean? Half these comedians ain't even with us no more.
Langston Kerman
No, he's not like, so dead fan. I heard you. I heard you got into a funny altercation at a McDonald's.
Jemele Hill
Hey, yo, did he just get some money from them at McDonald's?
Langston Kerman
That fan did.
Jemele Hill
No, no. Pirate Allen,
Langston Kerman
like, yes.
Jemele Hill
You got it, man. Keep.
David Burie
Keep fighting.
Langston Kerman
Oh, he did. He got a bunch of money from that.
Jemele Hill
He sued them for racial discrimination.
Langston Kerman
Byron Allen sued McDonald's, like nine, nine, nine figures type money.
Jemele Hill
Like, yo, he got crazy. I don't even know the details. I was just reading about that, why he got it. I was like, what the did he sue him for?
David Burie
You could sue McDonald's.
Jemele Hill
Hey, hey.
Langston Kerman
I think. I think at the end of the day, I think we all have to give it up. Byron Allen.
Jemele Hill
Byron Allen.
Langston Kerman
Allen, one of the greatest of all time.
Jemele Hill
Let's put him on a secret ballot to be president of the Illuminati.
David Burie
Yeah, come on.
Jemele Hill
The new black Illuminati. That's what we got now.
David Burie
I like what you're thinking. Absolutely. And I think for anybody at home who's been wondering who's in the Illuminati, who. Who are our real threats? Both serve and feel threatened by renal and the lights.
Jemele Hill
There it is.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, there it is.
David Burie
Jamel, we're gonna take one more break.
Jemele Hill
I'm in.
David Burie
And then we're gonna do a voicemail. But this. I think we solved it.
Langston Kerman
I think we figured it out.
David Burie
I think everybody feels good.
Ray Porter
So.
David Burie
More Jemele Hill. More My Mama Told Me.
Langston Kerman
Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts of course
David Burie
I see my co worker in light at the pharmacy.
Kel Penn
Can he tell I'm picking up prescription hemorrhoid cream?
David Burie
I'm probably standing weird.
Jemele Hill
Why is he smiling?
David Burie
He knows he's gonna call me Hemorrhoid Lloyd tomorrow. I know it. I gotta quit my job.
Langston Kerman
Next time, avoid awkward conversations and get fast free delivery with Amazon Pharmacy. Healthcare just got less painful.
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Kel Penn
Hey everyone, it's Cal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project Hail Mary. Massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.
Ray Porter
I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections and it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no, at this point it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story, if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that. That deeply, emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh, my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.
Kel Penn
Listen to Hearsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
David Burie
Give him a little something. Go ahead, break it down.
Jemele Hill
When you really break it down, we're just two honks and a Negro serving the Lord. We're just two honks and a Negro singing our song.
Langston Kerman
And we're just not gonna comment on that last clip. We're back. I do love that clip, though.
David Burie
That's a great clip. Have you seen that clip?
Jemele Hill
What is that from?
Langston Kerman
It's the group DC Talk on Arsenio Hal.
Jemele Hill
Oh, DC Talk. Yeah. I loosely remember the name.
David Burie
Arsenio walks up and he goes, hey, come on, y', all, sing something for us. And then. And they go, yeah, we got you.
Langston Kerman
I think he says, who are you? Tell him who you are.
David Burie
Like that.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this underwater black man and these two white men sing that to Arsenio in Arsenio. The funniest part is he gets it. So they're singing it and Arsenio is just singing like.
David Burie
He like, immediately is like, nah, this is it.
Jemele Hill
Not what I had in mind.
Langston Kerman
Oh, so you didn't do what you thought you did here?
David Burie
Yeah, that's crazy. You're being crazy. And in particular, like, they all like, hit that, like that 90s ass.
Jemele Hill
Like, oh, they had that. That little sort of weird pop lock. Yeah, yeah.
Langston Kerman
Cuz it goes longer. O, yeah, yeah. Two hunks and a Negro. It's rough.
Jemele Hill
Then they add some soul to it.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, that's a bad day.
David Burie
No, it's pretty crazy.
Langston Kerman
They were a Christian group, right?
David Burie
I have to assume so.
Langston Kerman
I think they were a Christian group.
David Burie
I don't think there's any other way.
Jemele Hill
It only makes that funnier.
Langston Kerman
It's so much funnier.
David Burie
I think that was non denominational Christianity.
Jemele Hill
I mean, it did have that tone.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. But I think also that was a play from a Christian record label executive who's like, we're gonna cross you over into the black market. We got you on Arsinio. He said it wrong and he was like, here's what you're gonna sing.
David Burie
I don't disagree.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
Anyways, we got A voicemail from one of our listeners. Let's see what they talking about.
Langston Kerman
They're probably drunk, so, you know.
Listener Caller
Yeah, I just wanted to say, really huge fan. Black conspiracy kind of my shit. This is a conspiracy theory that I think would solve the male loneliness epidemic. I believe that as a nation, if we truly want to save the black loneliness male epidemic, which I also don't believe is real, but. But for shits and giggles, we're gonna pretend it's real. I think every man. Black man.
David Burie
Just gonna pause that for a second.
Langston Kerman
Black men can't be lonely.
Jemele Hill
Well, is there a black male? I mean, I know they talked about a male loneliness.
David Burie
I've certainly heard male loneliness.
Jemele Hill
But is this something much like every other problem in society that is disproportionately impacting black men?
Langston Kerman
I think this is the one time we get away clean, because I had not sensed that.
Jemele Hill
I had not sensed that there was a plan that specifically black men were.
Langston Kerman
This is the one thing I think that is not. I don't think it's.
David Burie
I think we are doing some of the things that their actual loneliness epidemic, like experiences like the nut conservation shit, whatever. You know, people not wanting to bust their nut to hold on to their. Their. Oh, I'm the only person who studied the Internet. For real. Okay.
Jemele Hill
I don't know.
Langston Kerman
We just hang out in different corners. We just hang out. No, no.
David Burie
You guys are pretending. Tending to be culture experts.
Jemele Hill
Okay.
David Burie
I'm really down in the trench. Is that the trench that's part of what people. Semen retention.
Langston Kerman
Popular, sort of like Kevin Gates preaches it.
David Burie
Trend that's happening amongst a lot of young black men.
Jemele Hill
You actually listen to Kevin Gates?
Langston Kerman
I hear things he says.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Oh, okay. I'm like, oh, I'm not aware.
Langston Kerman
I don't process it. And I don't believe it.
Jemele Hill
You just sort of like it's in the atmosphere. Like, okay, he said that.
Langston Kerman
Very funny. And that's where I. Traffic is.
David Burie
Humor.
Langston Kerman
He is very, very funny.
David Burie
He's one of the funniest people on the planet.
Jemele Hill
He's like that. Unintentionally. He doesn't know he's serious, which makes it funny.
Langston Kerman
Yes.
David Burie
And then sometimes you can't tell which one he is.
Langston Kerman
You almost hope it's like a Borat character.
David Burie
Yeah. Whereas, like, if it's going too far, Kevin. And you're scaring me, but keep going. Also keep going.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Okay.
Langston Kerman
Okay. So I have heard of semen retention.
Jemele Hill
He is a proponent of semen retention.
David Burie
I'm saying that there Are young black men that are serving certainly mimicking some of these behaviors that you see in the white epidemic. But I don't think that they're interpreting it in the same ways. I don't think they're return retaining their semen and then wanting to hurt people because of it. They're doing it because they're like, this gonna make me hoot better. This is like. This is really how I like. They're like, yo, if I.
Jemele Hill
If I really want to be out here on some Steph Curry shit.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
If I'm gonna make the combine.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, Here we go.
David Burie
I gotta jump two inches higher.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
And the only way I'm gonna do that is if I'm.
Jemele Hill
What else would help, though? I would think that would be rating 225.
Langston Kerman
Goes up that much easier.
David Burie
I don't get it.
Jemele Hill
Like, this is.
David Burie
Listen, I'm not keeping mine.
Langston Kerman
No, listen. It's phrenology. This is not good.
David Burie
I want to be very clear with everybody. Mind is free.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I can't give it away.
David Burie
You ain't got to worry about me being backed up in the least.
Langston Kerman
I promise you. I don't want to. That poison inside of me.
Jemele Hill
Seems like the semen retention movement is having some struggles. Perhaps they need a diversity outreach. The one. The one thing we don't want to be DEI is in is semen rejection.
David Burie
That's right.
Langston Kerman
Keep that over there.
Jemele Hill
Keep that over there.
Langston Kerman
We don't want to take their job.
Jemele Hill
All right. The things you learn. I tell you so.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
I worry that this black loneliness epidemic is not, in fact, a thing. But maybe.
Langston Kerman
I don't know.
David Burie
Maybe I'm not.
Langston Kerman
Internet culture has. Has gotten so big for the youth, though, that it goes to places that I don't know. And it will. I will acknowledge that. That they're large for sure. Yeah.
Listener Caller
Undiagnosed or diagnosed depression needs to be assigned a white woman who wore cookie monster pajama bottoms in high school.
Langston Kerman
Wait, where did that go?
Jemele Hill
What? I'm sorry. How did we get you.
Langston Kerman
You got what I need. That's not what I thought it was.
Jemele Hill
Where did the cookie mask. What?
Langston Kerman
I'm sorry. I got viscerally very angry.
David Burie
That was.
Langston Kerman
Run it back for a second because we did. I don't think we got it played. That sucks. I hate this.
David Burie
This is a hard thought to wrestle with. Here we go.
Listener Caller
Who has undiagnosed or diagnosed depression needs to be assigned a white woman who wore cookie monster pajama bottoms in high school. He gets her for three years. She is going to build him up, right? Build up his confidence. She's gonna cook, she's gonna clean. She's gonna do what Cookie Monster pajama bottom mamas do.
Jemele Hill
Cookie Monster pajama bottoms.
Langston Kerman
We throw this man in the trash and we never talk about this again. Get the fuck out of here.
Jemele Hill
But the thing is, I know exactly
David Burie
the type of woman he is. I know 100%.
Langston Kerman
We all know. Her name is Chastity.
Jemele Hill
I mean, I went to college with a bunch. So I'm like, I know exactly who this white woman is.
David Burie
I know exactly who it is. And I know for certain that is not a person who has built up anybody or anything she will take from you.
Langston Kerman
She steals.
David Burie
That is not.
Langston Kerman
Come on, man.
David Burie
That's not a good spirit to put on anybody.
Jemele Hill
I mean, three years, too. Three years. I mean, that's.
Langston Kerman
That's a bid.
David Burie
And I'm depressed.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Burie
Remember, this person is saying, you're at your lowest. You're thinking to yourself, I can't go on.
Langston Kerman
This is ass.
David Burie
And then you introduce this.
Langston Kerman
This is ass.
David Burie
This is terrorism.
Langston Kerman
She ruins lives.
David Burie
This is terrorism.
Langston Kerman
N die behind.
Jemele Hill
Like, if you're going to introduce a emotional support white woman, it wouldn't be the white woman in the Cookie Monster.
David Burie
Absolutely not.
Jemele Hill
That's not the white woman you need.
Langston Kerman
It better not be one from Oklahoma. No.
Jemele Hill
Hell no.
David Burie
This is not. Give me Nancy Reagan.
Langston Kerman
That's what I get.
David Burie
Give me a pure psychopath, top tier.
Langston Kerman
If you're gonna do it. If you're gonna do it.
David Burie
You gotta go with a bony psychopath. Yeah, man. Cause I can get ass over here.
Langston Kerman
Give me friends. Give me one of the friends.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, I want one of the friends.
Langston Kerman
One of the friends.
Jemele Hill
Lisa Monster, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston.
David Burie
That's the right order.
Jemele Hill
Is that the right order? I was like, I just.
Langston Kerman
Bitch got dog food in her pockets. That's what you're fucking offering.
David Burie
Nah, that's nuts. That's literally nuts.
Jemele Hill
It's been a long time since I have heard something that. Unhinged.
David Burie
This isn't helping anyone.
Langston Kerman
This is an awful take.
David Burie
It's an awful take. And I'm embarrassed to admit there's so much more to it.
Langston Kerman
What is it?
Listener Caller
And then if at the end of the trial session, he doesn't get better, we just take him behind the yard and off him. Or. Yeah, we just do that.
Langston Kerman
What?
Jemele Hill
Hold up, hold up.
Langston Kerman
This is a fan of us.
David Burie
This is a person who likes what we do. What are we doing to these people?
Langston Kerman
That's what I Just. I just got scared of every decision I've ever made.
Jemele Hill
You need to. I feel like y' all need to reevaluate some things.
Langston Kerman
Crazy. But usually people just call all drunk. This is. This is.
Jemele Hill
So she went from Cookie Monster to then murder.
Langston Kerman
Like, what if we take the whole thing in? This man is proposing that we murder depressed black men. Yes.
Jemele Hill
Yes.
David Burie
First they're depressed, then you make them way more depressed.
Jemele Hill
Correct.
Langston Kerman
Catch a case for sure.
David Burie
You throw their life into a whirlwind of chaos, and then if they somehow don't get better from the hell that you've unleashed on them, you take them behind a tree, Old Yeller style, and you shoot them. And then they went. Maybe. I don't know. Nah, that's what we should do.
Langston Kerman
That's. Wait, that's the end. That's.
David Burie
No, there's still more to this.
Jemele Hill
Oh, wait. There's still more to this.
David Burie
Yes.
Jemele Hill
Okay.
David Burie
I'm sorry.
Listener Caller
I think we can perfect it. A lot of people know Lil Durk is.
Jemele Hill
There's room for improvement.
Listener Caller
She was a white bitch who wore Cookie Monster pajama bottoms. And I think without her, he wouldn't be the rapper that he is today.
Langston Kerman
Was she referencing.
Listener Caller
A lot of people know Lil Durk, his first baby mama. She was a white bitch who wore Cookie Monster pajama bottoms. And I think without her, he wouldn't be the rapper that he is today, because she really put him on.
Langston Kerman
You know where Durk is right now?
David Burie
He's not doing good. Yeah.
Jemele Hill
So that. That doesn't help your argument.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, that's what I'm.
Jemele Hill
This. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
This is. Yo, this is a psyop.
David Burie
This is.
Langston Kerman
I don't. I don't like using those dirts.
David Burie
This is a nasty attempt at brainwashing.
Langston Kerman
Something about this. This is. This is. I don't like even. This is not good.
David Burie
This is like a. Like, they have. This is like, TEMU level, like, efforts at washing our brains.
Jemele Hill
But, you know, the crazy part is that her whole description of what needs to happen, like, white woman, Cookie Monster pajamas, three years, whatever. If you pitch that in a Hollywood meeting, they say yes.
Langston Kerman
Oh, yeah.
Jemele Hill
I mean, they'd be like, oh, a psychotic white woman that kills black dudes.
David Burie
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Can we get Jordan Peele on this? Can we get him to come in and do this and call in Monster? I'm saying that sounds like the Hollywood elevator pitch of the year.
Langston Kerman
Well, I also don't think.
David Burie
Proprietary. It's proprietary.
Jemele Hill
That's right. Right.
David Burie
You put it on our phone so it's ours now.
Jemele Hill
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
I also don't think this person knows that all black men aren't rappers.
David Burie
It's unfortunate.
Langston Kerman
Why am I poking holes in the argument? This person's a psychopath.
David Burie
Yeah, let's.
Listener Caller
When we get down to the nitty grittiness of, like, the procreation and stuff, like, I don't really give a fuck about that, but I do think we can solve the male loneliness epidemic with the power of uniting crusty, dusty, depressed, gross black men with white bitches who wear. Who wore cookie monster pajama bottoms in high school. Again, super huge fan of the show. Yeah, thank you.
David Burie
This raggedy bitch.
Langston Kerman
I don't want you to listen to our show anymore. I'm not a fan of you. Stop it. I don't like you. I don't like your ideas. Stop listening to it.
David Burie
This sucks, man. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Langston Kerman
Fuck you.
Jemele Hill
Her ending with it, by the way. Huge ranch.
Langston Kerman
You said what?
David Burie
Dusty black men.
Jemele Hill
And we. I was like, so every black man that's depressed has to be.
David Burie
Fuck.
Jemele Hill
I was like, this is not exactly. So I guess she feels like she's gonna help depression because by her theory, there will be less black men who will actually be lonely because she's murdered them.
Langston Kerman
I appreciate you going that deep. This is a definite.
Jemele Hill
I mean, there's no.
Langston Kerman
We need to treat this person as such.
Jemele Hill
The question. You guys need to call Homeland Security now.
David Burie
But I'm saying is at my most empathetic, I go. This is a person saying, I think we should collect the bottom tier of one community and make them mush into the bottom tier of another community to solve a loneliness crisis. And I think that that is eugenic. I think that is. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think that is vile, vile shit that is being proposed to us. And this is a nasty person.
Langston Kerman
No, that was horrible.
David Burie
This person scares me to my bone.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I don't.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, I think that she might need some help. I mean, I don't. I don't know that. I would love to know. I would. I. I honestly hope some kind of substance was involved. When she. She sent you all this angel dust.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
I was like, please let there have been drugs involved.
David Burie
It better be a drug that ain't even out there like that anymore or like some.
Jemele Hill
Some retro where it's like some.
Langston Kerman
We don't know is drugs. This is huffing oven cleaner. Yeah. Calling us up.
Jemele Hill
This does seem like it could be helium. Like it could be a helium. You know, sort of, you know, if
David Burie
you put it up your Butt. You sound like that for a long time, right?
Jemele Hill
It's like a unusual drug that they put in a not so usual orifice.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
Jemele Hill
Like a combination of that led to.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, yeah. You.
David Burie
You smoking nitrogen out of pipe. This is something weird.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. You're, like, being odd. I hate. Ah, man.
Jemele Hill
I just, like, need a camera in her brain to see, like, what is not happening there. Like, is it? I'm not sure.
David Burie
No, this is bad.
Langston Kerman
I think this is a person who has been hurt and who seeks to hurt. I think that's probably hurt people.
Jemele Hill
Hurt people.
Langston Kerman
Exactly.
David Burie
Well, Jamel, this wasn't supposed to be how we ended the podcast. I mean, listen, sometimes they ain't good. This was not.
Jemele Hill
It's okay.
David Burie
This was nasty.
Jemele Hill
I know the opinions expressed are not of those of the host or the esteemed host, so I do get this. But this is. This was an amazing time. A lot of fun. It does not take away from all the things I learned about from, you know, the semen retention movement there to how the Illuminati was actually formed, that George Washington was probably in the Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
No, Italians.
Jemele Hill
No Italians in the. Listen. Huge, gaping blind spot there to not have Stevie Wonder. Illuminati. Erno.
David Burie
Oh, Stevie's in that Illuminati.
Langston Kerman
No, Stevie's in Ray Charles now.
Jemele Hill
Not what?
David Burie
I can see that.
Langston Kerman
I could see that Ray was nasty.
David Burie
I can see that. I think there were a few, like, members that fucked with him, so they kept him taken care of. But I don't think Ray was in there. But Stevie can see.
Jemele Hill
Well, I mean, if this podcast hasn't addressed that, then, like, what are you guys even doing? That's what I figured. I was like, what? Kidding me?
David Burie
You know, I think. I think he didn't always. I don't think he was always able to see. I think they got him some new eye. Yeah, they got it back, and they gotta make him play it cool. You know what I mean?
Jemele Hill
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Like how the government has technology way before civilians. I think.
David Burie
I think songs in the key of life. Yeah, you go ahead. We giving you some new eyeballs, my man.
Jemele Hill
Yeah, after that. Yeah, you earned it.
Langston Kerman
Hey, you know what? Hey, hey, hey. This one's on the house.
David Burie
Hey, you see that ribbon in that sky? Yes, you do. That's thanks to me, Charles. Illuminati. We got some other products for you too, Steve.
Jemele Hill
That's what it was. The Illuminati gave them. They got Stevie new eyeballs.
David Burie
They got Stevie new eyeballs.
Jemele Hill
There it is.
Langston Kerman
And hey, good on them. Because he does deserve. It's cool. He does deserve it.
David Burie
I think that's cool.
Jemele Hill
The Illuminati could. It doesn't necessarily have to mean something apocalyptic. Perhaps there's some good the Illuminati could do.
David Burie
I think they were like, we want every funeral, every famous funeral to be slapping from now on. We gotta keep Stevie taken care of. Yeah, he gonna say, there you go. That he will pay us back in song.
Langston Kerman
Almost as if it's like a guiding hand for society, not like something meant to rip us apart.
David Burie
Oh, this nigga's nasty. I saw it. You saw it? Jamel, tell em where they can find you. Cause that's a bad guy.
Jemele Hill
I'm about to get my sight back. Jeez, do you have a white woman with some cookie mouths in their pants somewhere?
Langston Kerman
No. My life is going good. I'm not depressed at.
Jemele Hill
Well, people. I have my own podcast, as you mentioned earlier, weekly podcasts. You know, we tackle like you the light subjects, racism, you know, xenophobia. But it's a sports and politics podcast called Spolitics, covering the intersection between sports, race, gender and culture. So. Yeah. So I'm very excited and happy to be doing that. And in fact, this particular week's episode is crisp. Paul.
David Burie
Whoa. Cpt.
Jemele Hill
Not in the Illuminati.
David Burie
Not in the Illuminati?
Jemele Hill
I don't think so. I don't get any Illuminati from him.
David Burie
You. You say he get to be on the banana boat and not Illuminati.
Jemele Hill
Oh, the banana boat.
Langston Kerman
You think the banana boat was a humiliation ritual?
David Burie
Look, guys, I'm not here to make that decision. It's the end of the show.
Jemele Hill
LeBron definitely in Illuminati.
David Burie
Come on, come on. What are we talking about? Go ahead, tell your story.
Langston Kerman
I got nothing, man. I'm Moving Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. Buy my special on Patreon.
David Burie
Yeah, and you can follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms and like, subscribe, rate, review, do all the things. Send us emails@mymamapodmail.com, send us voicemails at 844-LIL-MOMS. We would love to hear from you. And most importantly, fuck guys. Bye.
Langston Kerman
I want you to know this. If your prayers include me to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop having fun and stop watching these little pop their ass. If your prayers include any of those things, they're not going to work because I'm rejecting them all. And I will be continuing in my same wicked ass ways, I guess. Is that the way you Want to Put
David Burie
My Mama Told Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Player Network and I Heart Podcast, created and
Langston Kerman
hosted by Langston Kernley, co hosted by David Bourie executive produced by Will Ferrell Hansani and Olivia Aguilar co produced by Bay Wayne edited and engineered by Justin Kahn music by Nick Chambers artwork by Dogon Kriega.
David Burie
You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow at my Mama Told Me and subscribe to our channel.
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David Burie
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Jemele Hill
What?
David Burie
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Langston Kerman
Just make sure we protect each other
David Burie
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Langston Kerman
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Jemele Hill
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Original Release Date: May 14, 2026
Hosts: Langston Kerman, David Gborie
Guest: Jemele Hill
In this lively and irreverent episode, comedians Langston Kerman and David Gborie welcome journalist and podcaster Jemele Hill to examine the cultural conspiracy theory: “Only Black people are in the Illuminati.” The trio explores the roots, racial dimensions, and absurdities of the myth, comparing it with broader ideas of power, exclusivity, and wealth—especially as they manifest in Black pop culture. Along the way, they riff on sports, pop culture nostalgia, what it means to be a “Black Illuminati,” presidents’ involvement in shadowy societies, and much more, all with their signature humor.
(02:06 – 09:42)
(12:15 – 17:20)
(17:42 – 33:54)
(27:12 – 33:54)
(37:40 – 43:34)
(55:24 – 58:40)
(59:12 – 63:49)
“The relentless pursuit of a passion…and I think that is an important aspect to have in your life.”
“The joy of what sports was supposed to bring us gets lost in this machine of conversations and debates about shit that don’t even matter.”
“You never hear white celebrities being put in the Illuminati… Like, you don’t…hear Tom Cruise associated with a lot of other shit.”
“There’s an active business or organization in front of us that is the Illuminati. We’re wasting our time getting distracted…by accusing Beyoncé.”
“Could he have been like an honorary Illuminati? …Like when you get an honorary degree… That’s how Bill Cosby is a doctor.”
“In 1798, George Washington wrote a letter about the Illuminati…helped their infamy by sort of like, not being clearly wiped out.”
“Let’s bring some power and some economic muscle to our Illuminati.”
(70:32 – 83:42)
The episode exposes how the “Black Illuminati” conspiracy is more a commentary on cultural anxieties, celebrity worship, and racialized perceptions of power than true hidden influence. The real Illuminati—then and now—is essentially the entrenchment of systemic, economic, and political elites, not pop culture stars. The hosts and Jemele urge listeners to focus attention on power structures that really shape lives rather than the seductive but superficial myths around beloved or envied celebrities.
Jemele’s Parting Reflection:
“If I’m thinking about the Illuminati, I’m going to eliminate the celebrities…I’m going to immediately put, like, Robert Smith in there…the multi billionaire…Byron Allen…Let’s bring some power and some economic muscle to our Illuminati.” (62:44)
The conversation is irreverent, unfiltered, and fast-paced—packed with jokes, asides, and cultural touchstones. Everyone challenges each other with warmth and sarcasm, creating a vibrant, barbershop-like energy. The group isn’t afraid to debunk, interrogate, and ultimately laugh at the notion of the “Illuminati,” while also landing deep social commentary about class and power in America.