Vegetables Don't Exist (with Langston and David)

Summary

My Momma Told Me — “Vegetables Don’t Exist” (with Langston and David)

Podcast: My Momma Told Me
Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Episode Date: June 9, 2026
Theme: Black conspiracy theories, cultural commentary, and hilarious tangents
Episode Summary by Section with Timestamps

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Main Theme Overview

This episode is a freewheeling, laugh-out-loud conversation between comedians Langston Kerman and David Gborie, focused on responding to listener voicemails and riffing on Black conspiracy theories—most notably, the provocative claim that "vegetables don't exist." The episode delves into the absurdity and secret histories of food labeling, puppet representation in Black media, magic, and the peculiarities of daily Black life, all while mixing in observational humor and personal anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Real Life Riffs

• Timestamps: [03:00]–[08:00]

• Langston and David riff on negative voicemails, podcasting as “not self-help,” and being financially underappreciated.

• Funny commentary on the need to “lie for two years” to get rich like self-help influencers:

  “I think if you lie for two years, you could live for lying.” — David [05:54]

• Reflections on the nature of their careers (“hitting licks” in comedy/entertainment):

  “All it is, is like, oh, I hit a lick and I got enough money to carry me through whatever next year.” — Langston [07:21]

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2. Celebrity Encounters & The Black Festival Circuit

• Timestamps: [08:02]–[09:10]
• Discussing the Netflix Is A Joke festival, rubbing elbows (badly) with celebrities, and missing opportunities to network.

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3. Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” & Police Confidence

• Timestamps: [08:52]–[10:05]
• Langston suggests Jay-Z’s famous legal advice from “99 Problems” may have given Black listeners “too much confidence” in police stops:

  “I think that song gave me confidence in dealing with the police… and I don’t know if that’s the law.” — Langston [09:43]

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4. Gun Fantasies & Car Life

• Timestamps: [10:05]–[15:13]
• Confessions about wanting a “car gun,” California gun laws, going shooting together, and the fantasy of driving shirtless (or even naked).
• Extended riff on car luxury, gym routines, and “modern luxuries as a trap.”

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5. Relationship Dynamics & Marriage Humor

• Timestamps: [17:08]–[23:47]
• Observing married couples’ public roasting, illiteracy jokes, and how being the “smarter one in the house” feels good.
• Anecdote about Langston’s illiterate grandfather improvising at a restaurant:

  “Let me get a dinner. Just give me a dinner.” — Langston’s grandfather [21:28]

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6. Parenting, Intelligence, & Black Family Banter

• Timestamps: [23:04]–[25:00]
• The wittiness and intelligence of their wives, plus the dichotomy of “blue jobs and pink jobs” in household labor.

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7. Listener Voicemails: Black Puppets in Media

• Timestamps: [31:32]–[41:40]

• Listener laments the decline in Black puppets on TV (Cousin Skeeter, Sprite ads, etc.).

• Debate: Are puppets good vehicles for Black expression?

  “I think the greatness of what we are… is muddled by puppets.” — David [31:55]

  “Puppet technology has not yet mastered Black mannerisms.” — Langston [32:09]

• Discussion on Sesame Street’s Black puppet, lack of “sexy puppets,” and how some puppet representations are “Orlando Brown-coded” but could’ve been filled with live actors.

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8. Magic, Blackness, and Cultural Appropriation

• Timestamps: [47:06]–[56:21]

• Listener posits: “white people stole all the magic” while colonizing the globe.

• Extending the joke, the hosts riff on how spirituality and magic in Black culture were separated from legitimacy by white reinterpretation, e.g., hoodoo/voodoo.

  “White people are very fast to undesignate magic, to make magic illegitimate.” — Langston [49:44]

• Dreaming of high-profile Black magicians:

  “Where’s our Siegfried and Roy?... Imagine, they’re doing a trick and ‘One in a Million’ is playing.” — David [54:10]

• Both say they’ve never seen a Black magician at the legendary Magic Castle in LA.

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9. Magician Puppets and Racism at the Magic Castle

• Timestamps: [57:06]–[64:17]

• Personal experiences with racist marionette shows at the Magic Castle:

  “He follows it with a… biggest, blackest, most Sambo-y ass woman… She comes out and she sings Negro music, bro. The only way to describe it is Negro music.” — Langston [61:06]

• Shock and mutual commiseration over seeing the same racist marionette performer, including a mammy puppet, a stereotypical Asian puppet, and a dragon transformation.

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10. Vegetables Don’t Exist (Listener Theory)

• Timestamps: [68:15]–[77:57]

• Listener shares the claim that “vegetables don’t exist”—that what we call vegetables are botanically just leaves, roots, or fruits.

• Langston researches and confirms: “Vegetable” is not a scientific classification, but a marketing term.

  “There is actually no such thing as vegetables as a, like, botanical classification.” — Langston [70:49]

• Critique of how unhealthy foods (esp. corn) are lumped into “vegetables” by industry and government:

  “Corn is a system.” — Langston [72:27]

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11. Food Preferences and Sandwich Philosophy

• Timestamps: [75:00]–[77:57]
• Heated debate over cucumbers vs. pickles, the Jewishness of pickles, and why David makes gigantic “Scooby Doo ass sandwiches.”
• Takeaway: Food categories and habits are as much about culture and marketing as biology.

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12. Conclusion & Big Announcement

• Timestamps: [78:08]–[79:41]
• Announce a pause in the show as they switch podcast networks, promise to continue on Patreon while offline.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I think if you lie for two years, you could live for lying.” — David [05:54]
• “I think the greatness of what we are, I think, is muddled by puppets.” — David [31:55]
• “Puppet technology has not yet mastered Black mannerisms.” — Langston [32:09]
• “Let me get a dinner. Just give me a dinner.” — Langston recounting grandfather [21:28]
• “Corn is a system.” — Langston [72:27]
• “There is actually no such thing as vegetables as a, like, botanical classification.” — Langston [70:49]
• On Magic Castle’s marionette act:
  “He follows it with…the biggest, blackest, most Sambo-y ass woman…She comes out and sings Negro music, bro.” — Langston [61:06]

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Episode Structure at a Glance

1. Opening Banter [02:31–08:52]
   • Dealing with wild voicemails, riffing on self-help influencers, black success, and licks.
2. Pop Culture & Life Riffs [08:52–25:51]
   • Jay-Z, guns, shirtless/naked car fantasies, relationship dynamics, illiterate ancestors.
3. Listener Voicemails I: Puppets & Media [31:32–41:40]
   • Puppet representation, black weirdness, and the decline of Black puppets.
4. Listener Voicemails II: White People Stole the Magic [47:06–56:21]
   • Magic, spirituality, and cultural appropriation.
5. First-Hand Account: Magic Castle Marionettes Debacle [57:06–65:01]
   • Vividly detail racist puppet acts, audience reactions, and shared outrage.
6. Listener Voicemails III: Vegetables Don’t Exist [68:15–77:57]
   • Science of vegetables, food industry trickery, the corn problem, sandwich construction.
7. Closing & Announcement [78:08–79:41]
   • Pause and move to a new podcast network, available on Patreon during transition.

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Tone & Character

• Language: Irreverent, candid, affectionate, and comedically insightful.
• Dynamic: Langston and David’s interplay is both playful and biting, with intimate storytelling, healthy skepticism, bare honesty, and love for “weird Blackness.”
• Listener Appreciation: The hosts take time to salute their oddball fanbase and encourage continued weird/creative engagement.

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For listeners new and old:
This episode exemplifies what “My Momma Told Me” does best—raising wild questions, unpacking Black culture and conspiracies, clowning on whitewashing in everything from food to magic, and making listeners feel invited to a hilarious, and sometimes outrageous, family gathering.

Transcript

[A]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Since he got out, bad things keep happening.

[B]

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[C]

He is coming after my family.

[B]

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[C]

I turned off news altogether.

[A]

I hate to say it, but I don't trust much of anything.

[D]

It's the rage bait. It feels like it's trying to divide people.

[E]

If we got clear facts, maybe we could calm down a little.

[B]

NBC News brings you clear reporting. Let's meet at the Facts. Let's move forward from there. NBC News reporting for America. What's up, y'?

[D]

All?

[B]

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[D]

Spongebob and Patrick. I had to call back because my last. Nope. Actually, fuck this. Voicemail.

[A]

Yeah, we're doing an episode.

[D]

Nah, we're not even starting. We're not even. I'm not even going down this road.

[A]

That's crazy.

[D]

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

[A]

Thank you. You're being wild.

[D]

You came in too nasty.

[A]

That was crazy.

[D]

That sucked.

[A]

That's a mean way to speak to you.

[D]

It was really rude. We still have lives.

[A]

He's got a bad spirit.

[D]

Why would we listen to you? We still control this.

[A]

That's a. I'm gonna be thinking about that the whole time you're talking.

[D]

You just fucked my week because.

[A]

And this is what pisses me off. I immediately knew who was.

[D]

Yeah, of course you fucking knew. Why'd you even bring that part up?

[A]

Langston, I'm saying it's.

[D]

Of course you knew. It's so mean. It's so mean.

[A]

Yeah, and it's hitting a lot of points. It's not just that you're larger.

[D]

He's working. Well, the guy's smart, I'll give him that.

[A]

Spongebob is a little gay.

[D]

A little gay? Those cute little socks.

[A]

Yeah, it's just everything about it was.

[D]

Neither of them are grown men.

[A]

No. Shirtless Patrick. Shark.

[D]

Fuck that. Next event, next voicemail. The government growing babies. Microchips in your 80s.

[B]

All koala bears are racist.

[D]

The ozone layer owes me money. Marshy's invented turkey stuff. Y' all can't tell me nothing.

[A]

I used to think about immature things, you know, like, do you love me? Do you want me? Are you gonna call me? Is this really your real phone number?

[D]

Gangsters in the house.

[A]

Welcome to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me the podcast, where we

[D]

dive deep into the pockets of black

[A]

conspiracy theories and we finally work to prove. You guessed it.

[D]

Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.

[A]

This is not self help.

[D]

I know. Nothing for you. All I know is I got a leather banded watch and a driver's license. You bitch.

[A]

Go crazy. That was pretty cool.

[D]

That's. Yeah, that was a. That was a declaration.

[A]

Here's what I will say about the work that we do.

[D]

And it is important. I'm sorry.

[A]

It is important work.

[D]

It is important work.

[A]

I. I think. I think the fact that we are so brave, audacious even to declare how little we're helping is the truest thing that you could do as a podcast host.

[D]

It's. It's. It's definitely not helped us monetarily.

[A]

No, it's. It's. It's financially not serving us as much as I would like.

[D]

We actually should lie to you guys more.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Hey, get better help. It helped me and Langston.

[A]

Yeah, like, shit.

[D]

Like you ever slept on a Nectar mattress.

[A]

We need a little of that. Mel Robbins. It wasn't that her name? Mel. Mel. What's her name? Mel. Yeah, Mel Robbins. The lady who is sort of like the craze now of trickery.

[D]

Yeah, we just need some trickery so we can make some money.

[A]

Yeah, she's telling people nonsense with, like, no backing.

[D]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I saw FD signifier video about her.

[A]

Yeah, and everybody's just going crazy for it because. Because she puts on glasses and talks stern, bro.

[D]

That's what we Gotta get on. I'm telling you.

[A]

We.

[D]

I think if you lie for two years, you could live for lying.

[A]

Mm, that's so true.

[D]

I think if you come out. If you come out and lie, crazy.

[A]

But you gotta keep, like, you gotta keep your eyes straight.

[D]

Yeah. No, you can't. You can't.

[A]

You can't slip, dog.

[D]

Two years. You just have to, like, lie to the camera. I think you can get rich enough that you get the fuck about it.

[A]

You gotta get mad when people say you're lying.

[D]

Yeah. How dare you?

[A]

You don't. You.

[D]

How dare you.

[A]

I'll kill your daughter, sir. You.

[D]

I. I fuck you and your grandpa. Yeah, but I think if you can get that off, if you could get that off for real bag, you could do it. I. I really. I really need to not be so obsessed with short term money. That's what I worry about a lot. I. I think about life in terms of licks. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[A]

It can't just be licks out here, man.

[D]

That's how I feel so much. Where I'm just like. Like where you're just like, all right.

[A]

You can't just be hitting licks.

[D]

Yeah. Like, I'll just be like, damn. Damn, that was a good one. That shit closed up. All right, I gotta go fuck. You know what I mean? And then I gotta go to the other one.

[A]

I think some of that, though, is the business we work in, like, our entire business is hitting a lick.

[D]

Yeah. Cause I'm not a criminal. I've never been like, a successful criminal.

[A]

But even if you're a successful comedian, entertainer, whatever we're calling ourselves at this

[D]

point, it's a lick.

[A]

It. All it is is like, oh, I hit a lick and I got enough money to carry me through whatever next year. And then I gotta hit another lick to be able to carry me another.

[D]

That's what I mean. That's like how I look at it. And I'm like, okay, at some point Michael Jordan will fall and I'll have to go do something else.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Like, you just like, that's like. But I. I think that you gotta think better than that. I think there's an elevated thinking.

[A]

I do think there's an elevated thinking. I think this maybe makes for a nice segue into something I've been thinking about. This is this. And welcome to My Mama Told Me. I'm Langston.

[D]

I'm David.

[A]

And we. We are here. It's just a David and Langston episode. We just going talk some shit and listen to some voicemails let's go.

[D]

Netflix is a joke.

[A]

Netflix is a joke. Is happening. And somehow still nobody wanted to hang out with us.

[D]

We fucked it up so bad. It's the most famous people.

[A]

We benefited so little from this festival and the collection of famous black people that have all descended upon Los Angeles.

[D]

So we're saying we're on the festival?

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

We just blew it completely.

[A]

Nothing good came of it.

[D]

I was just at a barbecue. I saw 12 black people. I didn't tell any of them to

[A]

come and say, hey, brothers, follow me.

[D]

I wasn't.

[A]

I got some microphones in West Hollywood.

[D]

I got an opposite conversation about Lupus. I said, I gotta bring that up to Langston. Yeah, I gotta talk to my man about this. That's crazy.

[A]

This is something I've been thinking about that I think is important. I think the song 99 problems really gave black people a unfair interpretation of interacting with the police.

[D]

Expand.

[A]

I think at that end, when Jay Z is giving out all the explanations of why he doesn't have to open his trunk or comply with that officer's demands, it's putting a lot of niggas who thought that they learned something from that song in unfortunate circumstances.

[D]

Oh, yeah, you gotta be careful with what Jay Z teaches.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I think. I think that lesson. That lesson is complicated because you do

[D]

hear that song and you're like, yeah,

[A]

it really gave me confidence in dealing with the police. I was like, the law says I don't have to open it. And I don't know if that's the law.

[D]

I don't know. I don't even. My glove compartment's also never locked. I don't have a key for it.

[A]

I've never once locked it.

[D]

I don't know how.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And what do you.

[A]

Yeah, I. I'm not putting illicit substances in it. And I'm certainly ain't no gun. But. But on the. On the flip side, I'd like to.

[D]

I would love. Man, I fantasize about having a car gun, dog. Okay. I'm really glad that you're with me on that, because it made me feel crazy. You would. Also, doesn't it seem cool to have a gun in the. Bro.

[A]

When I was a kid, like a.

[D]

Like a little. I want, like, a littler gun.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like a.38.

[A]

My papa's best friend when I was growing up. My grandfather's best friend growing up.

[D]

I get it.

[A]

I just, you know, it felt weird just to look you in the eyes while I said it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. And you said, papa, the way I assume you said it as a little boy.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Which was funny.

[A]

I miss him.

[D]

Yeah. Shout out to papa, man.

[A]

He was good. He was a good guy. But his best friend was a dude who kept a gun in his car, and everybody knew it. And it was my favorite thing about him.

[D]

Yeah. That used to be a guy. You could be.

[A]

It was a guy. And he was like, kind of a little bit of, like more of a shit talker. Yeah. And you knew it. Cause he had that gun in the car.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And you were like, damn, Mort. Don't mess with him, Mort. Yeah. That's a good old Jewish dude.

[D]

That's a good old guy.

[A]

And he was a war vet, so he's killed people before.

[D]

He wants to kill again, man.

[A]

He's been waiting on it, man. He's had to wait 50 years.

[D]

We could get car guns now, I don't think.

[A]

Well, yeah, we can, technically, but I've thought about it. California is a tough place to be a car gun guy, I think.

[D]

It's not, but we just go to Vegas to get the guns.

[A]

No, I'm not worried about the instruments as much as I'm worried about the legality and sort of like the. There are so many laws around guns in California that even having the weapon requires a type of explanation that scares me.

[D]

Yeah. Honestly, I just tried to sign up for a shooting class in general, and then the cops emailed me, and I don't like that at all.

[A]

That's who runs the shooting class.

[D]

No, I know that now because I was like, oh, it'd be fun. Me and you. And then now the cops are emailing me, and I'm like, I don't even

[A]

want to do it. Really sucks.

[D]

I am from the West. I am from a bullshit state where I do still think in my head that you could just, like, drive out somewhere and shoot a gun. And I know that that's not real.

[A]

You can, but not close to here. But you can't with training. If you want to go shoot a gun tomorrow, I know a place where we can go shoot guns.

[D]

Why didn't you start with that?

[A]

But I'm saying that, like, I thought you wanted to, like, go through an actual.

[D]

Oh, I'd like to do that as well, but I want to go.

[A]

We're good. Oh, I know.

[D]

Let's. Oh, let's.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not an issue.

[D]

100%.

[A]

Yeah. You don't have to.

[D]

We.

[A]

We just will do it raw, though.

[D]

Yeah, that's what I like.

[A]

We ain't got to Train?

[D]

Yeah. We don't even have to film it.

[A]

I shot a.50 cal with no training.

[D]

Come on, bro.

[A]

I just had a dude tell me what to do. And I said, can I put my cheek on it? He said, yeah. And then I said, all right, I

[D]

want to nestle up. And then.

[A]

And then I shot it. I said, get this monster away from me.

[D]

No, that's a scary size gun. That's a scary size gu.

[A]

Motherfucker was seven feet long.

[D]

Can I tell you another fantasy I've had besides a car gun lately?

[A]

Please.

[D]

I want to drive a car with no shirt on. Why'd you do that? I can't read it. No, I can't read it. And I'm scared.

[A]

I'm excited about it.

[D]

I just. I was driving around. I was like, man, it would be cool.

[A]

You know what?

[D]

Well, okay, I will be honest. I first thought naked, and then I was like, that's.

[A]

That's too much.

[D]

That's insane.

[A]

I literally saw.

[D]

There's no world where that could happen.

[A]

I'm not making this up. I literally. The other day. And this is part of why my reaction was. My reaction is, the other day, I saw a dude in his car, shirtless, but couldn't tell if he was naked.

[D]

And that's. You don't want to do that to people around you.

[A]

And part of it is he's driving, like, a Hyundai. And it ain't. It ain't an open roof. It's not like he didn't have the windows down. He's just in there with his shirt off, free. It's not wind blowing on his chest. It's just a man in privacy, which then makes it feel like nudity. I think you need some.

[D]

I think windows. So in my head. Yep, windows down, sunglasses on.

[A]

That's nice. You got a sunroof.

[D]

I got him. It doesn't open, but I got the whole glass.

[A]

Oh, it's all glass.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Understood. Damn.

[D]

I think it would still be cool.

[A]

I think so. I think. I think the way you should really treat yourself is go on vacation, get yourself a convertible, pop that shirt off, pop them sunglasses on, and. And do it right.

[D]

Maybe for my honeymoon, we're going to Tahiti.

[A]

That's nice.

[D]

Yeah. Black sand.

[A]

Yeah. Right on the wrong side of the street.

[D]

And is it wrong side of the street there?

[A]

I don't know. I never been.

[D]

You could go to the 80. It's not even crazy to go to Tahiti. I believe you. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, treat yourself. I don't think you want to be driving to record with me.

[D]

I was going to do. I was going to do it back from the gym was my first thought. I was like, because that's like a mile, two miles.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And then, like, because I don't want to develop a habit either.

[A]

I like back from the gym, though, because I will say that getting back in the car after a gym session is my least favorite part of it.

[D]

Sucks.

[A]

You stink and you're sweaty and you are cold on your back, and that's uncomfortable.

[D]

And I'm so weird about the gym, too, where it's like, bro, I bring so many shirts to the gym, but then I'd be bringing another shirt. Just. I don't shower there, so I bring another shirt just to wear out, because the shirt I was wearing was sweaty. But then I'm getting back into the car. You know what I mean? It feels like, too. It would be so much easier if I was just a shirt off drive.

[A]

You're doing better than me. I just be getting in there sweaty and making my car stink for a few hours.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't think it's a good plan.

[D]

No. I worry that the leather is going to soak up my. My, my, my.

[A]

See, brother, that's where you fucked up, because I got no leather.

[D]

Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right.

[A]

My seat's fuzzy.

[D]

Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's. That's the benefit of cloth.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You get it stinky. You don't give a fuck.

[D]

Yeah, man. I've been really wanting to act up in the car now. I feel like, because I got. I've gotten comfortable now I'm like, whipping it, and now I'm like, I want to do crazy shit. Yeah.

[A]

I do think modern luxuries are a trap in some ways.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, leather is more a prison than it is, like, it's a sexy vibe.

[D]

It's sexy in there, but after a

[A]

while, it's just upkeep.

[D]

And I got that white leather or like, that beige leather.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I'm like. The kids get in the back, and I'm like. I'm, like, staring at him, trying to make sure. Hey, don't open that. Nope, don't open that.

[A]

We're not doing no crumbly snacks.

[D]

Yeah. Why is it. Why does it say that on the. What's it say on the ceiling now? Yeah. You know what I mean? So I'm like. And that's a no. I never had to worry about that. I even honestly, wifey bring. Uses the car. I'M like, hey, there's a Red Bull can in there.

[A]

Take it easy, big girl.

[D]

The Red Bull can. I'm just.

[A]

I am Rebel.

[D]

I am. You know, I don't drink in there.

[A]

It's just weird because I feel like you clean out your car after you drink in it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why'd you leave your shit in my car?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm. Oh, man. I was a whole. Oh, oh, you went to Sprouts.

[A]

Oh, you're being passive aggressive.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Nah, you'll get there, man.

[D]

It's nasty. I've been going to Sprouts a lot.

[A]

But you'll get full aggressive.

[D]

No, I, I.

[A]

It'll take some years before you reach a plane where you go like, oh, I'm just gonna say it. I'm not.

[D]

That's. And I'm interested in that because when we hang out with couples who've been married longer, they're mean to each other in front of people in a way that we'll only do behind closed doors. Like, married couples would just be like, oh, yeah, because Langston can't read.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

You know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're smart to point out an actual insecurity.

[D]

Well, that's the way I play it.

[A]

You played that well.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That is a real thing. That does come up,

[D]

man. If I couldn't read, I don't think I would. I would probably not get laid for a while to try to fix that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I think there's only two ways to play it. I think you either really focus and try to make the best of it, Fantasia Moreno style, and shout out to Fantasia, you were confronted with some violent, nasty talk regarding your illiteracy, and you said, nay, I'm gonna make a difference.

[D]

I appreciate that.

[A]

I really respect that. You went out there and you did the work. You did the learning. Congratulations, Fantasia.

[D]

Some people can't even learn to swim. You learn to read.

[A]

You fucking. Those were just squigglies before you started.

[D]

Do you think you would have picked.

[A]

He was looking at squigglies like, what the fuck?

[D]

Get this shit out.

[A]

And then they stopped being squigglies.

[D]

Get this shit out of my face. And then she said, oh, it's the Bible.

[A]

Oh, okay. That means jalapeno.

[D]

Well, it turns out I like Mexican food.

[A]

Mm.

[D]

Cause that would be the hardest thing, ordering.

[A]

This is a really funny story. My grandfather, who I didn't know. This is a different grandfather.

[D]

This isn't Papa.

[A]

This isn't Papa. I don't miss this nigga. At all.

[D]

Damn. God damn.

[A]

I didn't know him. He wasn't a good man.

[D]

All right, all right. I don't know.

[A]

Point being, one of the few sort of like, warm stories my mother ever told about him was one time he took my grandmother out to, like, a fancy dinner. This was like, him. Like, he had some money and he was an alcoholic. He wasn't a good guy. But, like, he's doing. He's doing it right tonight.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's treating her to a nice dinner. They never go anywhere. They never eat anywhere. This is a big deal. And he takes her out, and it's a restaurant in Greek town in Detroit. They sit down, and he's looking at the menu. He can't read. He doesn't know how to read at this point. And I assume he never did.

[D]

Yeah, no, you don't lose it.

[A]

I don't think he like it. Like, 60 was like, I got it. I'm gonna lock in.

[D]

I mean, after a while, it's like, what am I gonna learn to read?

[A]

I'm not. I'm not doing it.

[D]

I get pussy.

[A]

I know how to read some lips.

[D]

Yeah,

[A]

But he can't read. He takes her to dinner. They hand him a menu he's never ordered. At a restaurant where you sit down and have a menu.

[D]

Whoa. He took. He didn't even. Dry run.

[A]

They don't go out, bro. That's. This is.

[D]

What a different time.

[A]

This is the 60s, 70s.

[D]

Keep it out.

[A]

He don't. He don't go nowhere. And when he does eat outside of his house, he's probably like a truck. He eats at trucks. He eats at a restaurant where you just point to a number.

[D]

Right? Right.

[A]

And go, give me one of those.

[D]

Or you know what they got.

[A]

You already know what you like over here. And so he sits down at this restaurant. They give him the menu. They're sitting there, and then the waiter comes back. He goes, sir, what would you like? And he said, let me get a dinner. Just give me a dinner.

[D]

I know he's a bad guy, right? I know that he went through it in his life. That's the most embarrassing shit I ever heard in my life. And then his offspring just. That's the story they tell about him.

[A]

That's the warmest they have.

[D]

That was his night. That was his night. Look at you laughing. That was his night.

[A]

Yeah, but I bet you they got him a dinner.

[D]

I bet they did.

[A]

I bet you they went. They put their heads together and they figured out what a dinner means to him.

[D]

Damn. Just get me a dinner.

[A]

He said, let me get a dinner.

[D]

I had a buddy whose grandpa couldn't read. And he said his grandpa would always order cheeseburgers everywhere they went.

[A]

Smart man.

[D]

Yeah. Cause it was just like, they got it. Yeah, they probably got it.

[A]

Even fancy restaurants got one of those.

[D]

He also said when he was little, though, his grandpa used to read him the papers.

[A]

Fuck. He's like, and you ain't gonna believe this. Dinosaurs are back.

[D]

Which is funny. Cause it's like, the one person who doesn't know you can't read.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, sit on my lap. Let me tell you what's going on.

[A]

He's like, listen, I may be an idiot, but I'm smarter than him.

[D]

And that's really the best reason I say to have kids. I think about that sometimes. I just don't. I wanna be, like, smarter in the house.

[A]

Make people.

[D]

You're smarter than. Yeah.

[A]

My wife is so much smarter than me, brother. It's embarrassing.

[D]

My wife is smarter than me in the intangibles, too. Like, not just like she knows stuff, but just, like, intuitive. She can figure things out that I can't figure out.

[A]

There'll be stuff that I've been, like, marinating on all day that I want to talk to her about. And then I'll serve up my side of it, and she'll immediately swat it out the air in a way that makes me feel crazy.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Where I go, like, okay, well, then. Then I'm a fucking idiot.

[D]

You also. Yeah. It almost makes you not want to share everything now.

[A]

I don't want to share because I'm stupid.

[D]

Yeah. Sometimes I want to win on my own just to tell her that I didn't need you to win.

[A]

By the way, I solved a problem today. You don't need to know what it was.

[D]

Don't worry about it.

[A]

It's none of your business. Bitch.

[D]

It was a blue job. We got blue jobs and pink jobs.

[A]

Blue jobs and pink jobs. You were just telling me.

[D]

Oh, yeah. You saw my dog puke.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

This is a pink job.

[A]

Your dog. As soon as I walked in the

[D]

house, what a bitch.

[A]

Your dog. Your dog greeted me. She was so happy to see me. And then she. She sat for a moment, and then she walked over towards. Towards a corner of your carpet. And she hurled.

[D]

It sucked.

[A]

What looked almost identical to. Shit.

[D]

It sucked.

[A]

It looked almost identical to. To a pudding. Textured shit.

[D]

Sometimes I feel like the dogs put me through humiliation ritual because, like, sometimes. Also the other day, we're walking. And there was a sign for some school, some religious school that was on the ground. That's where she shits on the sign. And then I'm standing there, like, on the corner, like, oh, no. And she's just shitting on this Jewish day school sign. And I'm like, bitch, this feels on purpose. Yeah.

[A]

This is not.

[D]

You're trying to fuck me in this neighborhood.

[A]

This is not the right time for those antics. The geopolitics that you're playing in, do

[D]

you realize the optics? I'm in show business. I work in show business.

[A]

I've got a lot of people who send their kids to that day school.

[D]

And then it's the longest shit in the world.

[A]

Of course, she took her time.

[D]

Ah, man, she. Sometimes you feel like she's setting you up a little bit. I feel that way. Like, with the puke. Cause, like, you couldn't have puked after Langston. Why'd you puke when we were even in the room?

[A]

No, the second she felt it, she was like, I'm gonna throw up right now, and I want you to see it, and I want your friend to see it too.

[D]

And then I had to steam clean it all. Pink jobs.

[A]

You did a great job.

[D]

I did. I did do that. And I was like, when Alana came home, I was like, where do you think she puked at?

[A]

I bet you'll never find it.

[D]

Yeah, where do you think she puked?

[A]

Secret. Safe with me, baby boo.

[D]

Thank God we got that clothes. We got no answer that clothes and got that thing.

[C]

We.

[A]

We are gonna listen to some voicemails.

[D]

I'm excited.

[A]

We're gonna play some fun voicemails. We're gonna talk some shit. You all continue to send us your. Your beautiful, glowing, amazing voicemails, and we continue to appreciate them. So let's listen to great voices.

[D]

Our listeners have good voices for the most part.

[A]

They do have good voices.

[D]

Even when they're bad. They're, like, animated in a way where

[A]

you're like, here's what I like about our listeners. These are interesting characters. We got a lot of characters calling us.

[D]

I think it's because we're so weird that I think we attract weirdos.

[A]

We had somebody tell us that recently,

[D]

and he did tell us true.

[A]

I've been thinking about it a lot.

[D]

What I like about y', all. You're black, but y' all so fucking weird. That was pretty much the meeting.

[A]

That was. We were taking a meeting with somebody who we respect a lot, really respect. And he was like, what? I Like about y', all, you're black, but you're fucking weird.

[D]

He was like, there's not a lot of black and weird with y' all niggas.

[A]

He said, y' all niggas black.

[D]

Y' all niggas black.

[A]

He said there is weird and black. Y' all ain't that y' all black and weird.

[D]

Which I think is fair. That's how I've always felt.

[A]

I took it as a compliment. But I do think about it in a slightly concerned tone in my head as well.

[D]

It's a lot easier to be black, and it's easier than it ever has been to people. Black and weird, though. I think it was a lot harder before.

[A]

I was really having to push a lot of stuff down throughout most of my life.

[D]

I was really having to dress like everybody try to like. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not.

[D]

Not yeah. But now it's like so it's like it's almost played.

[A]

Is oversaturated the market a little bit.

[D]

But what it black weirdo.

[A]

Being black weirdo. But I will say what excites me is that also continues to push me to innovate this space.

[D]

Yes, 100%.

[A]

I'm not going to let a motherfucker out weird me.

[D]

No, no, no. And if you really let me get going, you won't.

[A]

You.

[D]

I'll be. You don't gotta like me. It's fucked up in here.

[A]

You might be able to out nasty me.

[D]

You might be able to out nasty me.

[A]

You're probably smarter than me and taller

[D]

than me, But you grow. You don't have the jaden lyrics like I got.

[A]

That's right. Yeah. I think at some point you. We. If we just get down to the nooks and crannies of it, I'm going to win this race.

[D]

Yeah. I'm probably weirder.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm weird enough that it's a burden. It's hard. I'm driving around trying to be naked. That's not cool.

[A]

No, that's not cool. I thought that went without saying. That's not cooled up thing.

[D]

Even though you say it, I don't accept it.

[A]

It's not even great.

[D]

It's not legislative. No, no, no, no. It's still mine.

[A]

That's cool, man.

[D]

Yeah, I got mine.

[A]

That is cool.

[D]

That's what I.

[A]

But I can't shake you off of it.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no, no. If I had like some kind of secret island or something, I'll drive a car naked.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'll figure it out.

[A]

I think you deserve it.

[D]

Thanks, man.

[A]

Let's get you a big old property.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you can do whatever you want.

[D]

Yeah, but I want to drive, like, in traffic.

[A]

That's what I was worried about.

[D]

That's the worry.

[A]

That's the one that makes me go, hey, man, stop that. Yeah, but I'm not here to yuck, yuck, yum. I'm here to listen to voicemails with you.

[D]

Okay, let's do that.

[A]

Let's play that first one.

[E]

Oh, no, here we go. All right. Damn. That's crazy. I got any nasty to say? Big fan of the podcast, and this isn't as much of a conspiracy, but more of, like, a theory. But anyway, I remember back, like, circa late, you know, aughts. You know, early 2010s. At least that's when it came to my consciousness. We had a lot of black puppets and media, and I feel like we have, like, an era. You know, we had Cousin Skeeter. We had Thirst from the Sprite commercials. We had little penny puppets with LeBron and Kobe, just to name a few. So a lot of puppets in the media. But then nowadays, you know, you don't see so many puppets of color represented. And I feel like. I don't know. I don't exactly know why. Like, you guys have any. Have any. Have any thoughts? You know, Also, maybe this brother talks long. I remember. Or I don't remember, but I heard they had a black Sesame street character. They do cookie monsters like Roosevelt Franklin. One of the criticisms was just his demeanor might have been racist, a little stereotypical. So maybe with the pleasant Skeeter and Thirst and the MVP puppets, that was some of the backlash, and they overcorrected to a lack of puppet representation, you know, black puppet representation at all. I don't know if I'm making sense anyway.

[A]

You're making a lot of sense and a lot of time go by.

[D]

You really are talking.

[E]

I'm making a switch to Sandals this year, which is not crazy for me, but. Yeah, take your time. Oh, no, 20, 26. All type of different.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, it cut off.

[A]

No, he said peace.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[A]

That was the last words.

[D]

I will say. I don't think puppet is our best medium.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[D]

I think the greatness of what we are, I think, is muddled by puppets.

[A]

I don't disagree with that.

[D]

I think it takes away a lot of our skills. I think puppets are flat.

[A]

I think that certainly puppet technology has not yet mastered black mannerisms.

[D]

It's too, like, it's always like, every puppet just moves like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. And then they.

[D]

And like, there's no athleticism. There's no. I never seen a sexy puppet.

[A]

No, I do have.

[D]

And I think, as a people, we're very sexy.

[A]

I will say this.

[D]

I've seen puppets with big titties.

[A]

I think big titties, for sure. I think Miss Piggy has had some moments where I went, hey, there. Hey, there, big girl.

[D]

You ever seen that video, that picture online, where she got her nipple out?

[A]

You know, I've seen that picture online. No, that's it. That's my background screen.

[D]

Yeah, I just. I think puppets don't. I don't think puppets translate all that great.

[A]

Not at all.

[D]

And cousin Skeeter, we all thought that was stupid though, right?

[A]

That his cousin was just a puppet.

[D]

Yeah. I remember watching it. It didn't need to be a puppet.

[A]

It truly never made a moment of sense to me that he was somehow. Because they acknowledged he was a puppet. Yeah. It wasn't like they were like, oh, you're the same as us, Skeeter.

[D]

No. This is our weird little cousin who's a puppet.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Who's gonna teach Robert Richard about love? I just like, yeah. Cousin Skeeter should have been a smaller, darker skinned, cooler dude. It should have just been a guy. And in that. I don't like that the puppet took away work from what could have been a black actor.

[A]

It should have been Beetlejuice.

[D]

That's a whole other show. Robert Richard and Beetlejuice running around learning life lessons.

[A]

If you really want this. This tiny freak.

[D]

I don't know if Beetlejuice is allowed in middle school.

[A]

No, he shouldn't be.

[D]

To be completely honest.

[A]

You don't know what he's gonna do in there.

[D]

Yeah, he's real horny.

[A]

That guy's crazy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Crazy with horn.

[D]

But, like, think about it. There could be, like, a tiny. A small cool black kid who's that little boy who was in everything for a minute?

[A]

Yeah, I know you're talking about.

[D]

You know what I'm talking about. He should have done it.

[A]

Yeah, he would have been great.

[D]

That's Beyonce pouring sugar on my dick. That little boy make him Cousin Skeeter.

[A]

He would have been a great cousin Skeeter.

[D]

Yeah, man. Orlando Jones probably brown.

[A]

I was about to say. Jones would be crazy.

[D]

Too old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Orlando Brown could have done it.

[A]

Orlando Brown could have done it. And maybe had he done it, because it did feel very Orlando Brown coated.

[D]

I think maybe they tried and like maybe the contract wasn't right or something.

[A]

Oh, that's interesting.

[D]

The money wasn't right.

[A]

His cousin Skeeter looks a lot like Orlando Brown.

[D]

And cousin Skeeter operated like a person a lot. Uh huh. Like where it was like, I don't like it. Yeah. I didn't like cousin Skeeter.

[A]

Yeah, I remember enjoying it a lot, but I can't imagine revisiting.

[D]

But did you enjoy it or did you just like all the black shows as a kid? Cause I had a pretty high. I liked all the. I wasn't super discerning with all the black. I just liked them.

[A]

I, now that I'm older, have a lot of trouble telling what I enjoyed versus what I accepted because that was what was available.

[D]

Yeah. And you were just hanging on. Childhood was chaotic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like, no, I need TV right now.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And this is. This is helpful.

[D]

And let me watch Cousin Skeeter and Robert Richard. Yeah. Is his name Roger Robert Richard?

[A]

I believe so.

[D]

He did that, right? The Richard.

[A]

The Richard.

[D]

Which it also. Brother. That sounds close to something we don't say. But doesn't it?

[A]

I'm really curious now. They. I will say in his.

[F]

In.

[A]

In his Wikipedia. They do not. Is American known for his. Yeah, they do not say. It's different.

[D]

So it says Robert Richard on his Wikipedia.

[A]

No, it says Robert Richard on his Wikipedia, but it doesn't have any information about his parents. But he is of Louisiana Creole descent.

[D]

Is Richard a Creole name?

[A]

It's French.

[D]

We all think that Richard sounds like.

[A]

No, we all. We're all hearing the same thing for sure.

[D]

I just. So maybe it is because otherwise why would you have picked it, man? I thought Robert Richard was going to the top.

[A]

I saw big. I saw big future.

[D]

I really thought he had it, boy.

[A]

Yeah. And I think he did have it back when media could section off the way that it used to.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like there was black tv, but then there was like family friendly black tv and then there was. It like really.

[D]

There was so much black TV and

[A]

you could really fucking. Eve had a show.

[D]

I always forget for a long time.

[A]

And she wasn't even named Eve.

[D]

What was the show called?

[A]

Eve.

[D]

Her name wasn't Eve on the show.

[A]

No, it makes no sense.

[D]

That's the one UPN show. I can barely remember it. It was called Eve though. It was called Eve was the intro. Who's that girl? Who's that girl?

[A]

I don't remember. Yeah, her name in the show was Shelly Williams.

[D]

That ain't Eve, they should have made a cartoon and called it Pitbull and Skirt. I would have watched the shit out of that.

[A]

Yeah, they should have. Just a tattoo on a titty missus.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Walking around giving people hell.

[D]

It was crazy that she called herself Pitbull in a skirt.

[A]

It was a great. That early run. She went crazy.

[D]

Eve is so good. You know what song I miss? What y' all niggas want? Yeah. Can't Touch. That shit was so good.

[A]

She had a run, man.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And we knew her whole shit. And we never, like. We were like, eve, she the scariest one in the rough run.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's the baddest motherfucker in there.

[D]

Yeah. She fucks them till they come. You remember that?

[A]

Of course, that was when I thought Dragon had a future.

[D]

Dragon could have done it.

[A]

Dragon really was my favorite of the Rough Riders, and I'm embarrassed to say that now. Well, it's.

[D]

You know what it was? He was a more accessible dmx.

[A]

He rapped fast, but I thought it was impressive.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. His name was Dragon, and he rapped about fire.

[A]

I got it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Dmx. I had to research to find out what Darkman X meant exactly.

[D]

Dragon's album was called the opposite of H20. I know what that is.

[A]

Fire.

[D]

Yeah. I liked him.

[A]

Yeah. Dragon was great.

[D]

And he was little. I liked the little guy back then.

[A]

To the question of puppets.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I have seen the Sesame street character that is a black puppet. And I will say that until very recently, it was the only puppet that they were doing that was, like, human. And that sucked.

[D]

I don't like that. I gotta look that up. It was a human girl, so it was more.

[A]

And she's a puppet, so it was

[D]

more marionette than puppet.

[A]

No, I'm saying it looks like a puppet. Um, but it. But they weren't. They also have human people in the show.

[D]

Oh, yeah. She looks like a Fraggle Rock.

[A]

And that's what I'm saying is, like, why are you doing that? If you want a little black girl to be like, just put a little

[D]

black girl on her.

[A]

Make a little black girl. Or make a monster with a little black girl's voice.

[D]

But she got a mom, too. Look, her mom's doing her hair.

[A]

And that's what I'm saying is, like. It's weird that they're just like, okay, well, now we got black people puppets.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Even though this whole time everybody was purple and blue and. And I, I, I say all this, I still very Much believe in Sesame Street?

[D]

Yeah, I got no.

[A]

I got nothing in Sesame street, but I do think they had to do a little course correction in their little imagination station trying to figure out how to not make black people monsters before everybody else.

[D]

Didn't they have Asian ones, though?

[A]

They did have an Asian one. I think black came first, though.

[D]

His name was Bert.

[A]

You think Bert was Asian?

[D]

No, I'm kidding.

[A]

Burt was a white man.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deeply closeted white man.

[A]

That's a white man who loved a cool Mexican guy.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe had the show come out in 1990 instead, their love would have been allowed to be celebrated out loud.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

Are they. Do people.

[A]

The creators of Sesame street have addressed it and they claim that that is not true. That they are not. They are just friends.

[D]

Just roommates.

[A]

Just roommates who like each other a lot and hang out.

[D]

Roommates who left their families to move together in the big city.

[A]

And that is the troubling part, because they will never pinpoint how old Bert and Ernie are. And as long as we don't have a sense of like. Because is Ernie 16 or is Ern.

[D]

I never even thought about Ernie being a kid.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. He kind of moves like a grown man. Yeah, but also, he's.

[D]

Bert's a man.

[A]

All he does is hang out with kids and do kids shit.

[D]

Let's move on.

[A]

What is this guy?

[D]

Let's listen to another voicemail.

[A]

Yeah, that's fair. It's concerning. When you start unpacking, the Ernie of it all sucks. It sucks because Burt before Bert behaves like a man.

[D]

Burt is a man. Bert's a man who's been beaten down. I feel like Burt had a life and then something happened.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

And now he's on his second life.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Burt feels like he's been through the fire in a way that's like. Kind of like. It's like that anger comes from somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, he lost. He had a. He probably had a boat.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He had a. He had a corporate job and he lost that. And now he sleeps in separate beds with his boyfriend, who he can't say is his boyfriend.

[D]

And he can't even show his face in South Lake Tahoe. He can't even. He can never go back.

[A]

I'm picturing him getting off a Greyhound with a suitcase. Like, I'm home.

[D]

But at nighttime when he looks out. Yeah, he remembers those crystal blue waters.

[A]

He remembers, baby. He remembers that black diamond that he broke his leg on. He was king of the beach, his felt leg. And it was a big day. He had fun, but also tragedy. All right, we need to take a break.

[D]

We need to take a break.

[A]

We're gonna take a break.

[D]

More. More.

[A]

David, more. Langston, more. My mama told me. Since he got out, bad things keep happening.

[B]

Cape Fear, a new series is now streaming on Apple tv. Why when I want to hurt you? Starring Academy Award winner Javier Bardem and academy Award nominee Amy Adams.

[C]

He is coming after my family.

[B]

Cape Fear now streaming on Apple tv.

[C]

I turned off news altogether.

[A]

I hate to say it, but I don't trust much of anything.

[D]

It's the rage bait. It feels like it's trying to divide people.

[E]

We got clear facts. Maybe we could calm down a little.

[B]

NBC News brings you clear reporting. Let's meet at the facts. Let's move forward from there.

[A]

NBC News reporting for America, Ryan Reynolds

[G]

here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone. Paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[C]

of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.

[E]

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[A]

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[D]

And we're back. I'm for real. Just sat right here in my car.

[A]

I had a epinophenillary in me. Offended me. Penny finn. I had one. Oh, man. Some of y' all have been asking, what would Porky Pig sound like if he was from the hood? If he was just a real ass nigga.

[D]

That is a hard word.

[A]

It's a epiphany.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

If you ain't.

[A]

If you ain't practiced it.

[D]

Yeah. If you don't have it, that motherfucker

[A]

will beat your ass.

[D]

Yeah. It's not like you can't sound it out. Yeah.

[A]

Sounding out actually makes it harder.

[D]

Cause you'd think it's a pip panny. That's right, Papani. Anyways, we're back. We're back. And we're gonna listen to another voicemail.

[A]

Let's do it. Let's play the next one.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

This goes out to Big Ice, Cub Cat, and Devonte. No, I'm just kidding. David and Langston paused.

[D]

That was a weird joke.

[A]

Why y' all keep fucking with us, man? Just leave us alone, bro. We don't even be on nothing with y'. All.

[D]

We really don't. We really don't.

[A]

We? I guess we do talk crazy to them. I'll be honest. We talk crazy to y', all, but we.

[D]

You should hear. I talk to myself.

[A]

We are. And also, we are talented. We're better at it. Just leave us the fuck alone.

[D]

You know?

[A]

You don't know timing, sir. That's why it took you so goddamn long to do that mid fucking joke. You practiced that? The whole. The whole message. You were like, yeah, I'm gonna say that. And then you tried it, and it sucked. Delete that message.

[D]

We can't forget about that first guy, though.

[A]

He did go crazy, and that's part of why I'm yelling at him.

[D]

Yeah, that's fair.

[A]

I'm hurt because they keep jumping us.

[D]

Yeah, and we're lashing out. You're supposed to be our fans.

[A]

Play the voicemail.

[F]

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to present my conspiracy theory.

[A]

Okay, pause.

[D]

I didn't know you back around on this guy.

[A]

I didn't know you were slow, bro. My bad.

[D]

No, I think he's. I think he's the funniest guy. I think this might be the actually the funniest guy.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[D]

Let's see where it goes. I think he might be actually. Hilarious.

[A]

Fork in the road. We'll find out which one of us is on the right path.

[F]

Yeah. White people stole all the magic. Yeah, I think they stole all the magic. When they were going around colonizing the world, you know, collecting quote unquote spices, they were scooping up all local magic and using the power to make 7% of the population in control of the rest of it. I was looking into tarot cards. Cards because I thought there might be something there. And then I find out the only official tarot card decks that you can use are rider weight tarot cards made in 1909, even though they're saying it stretches back to ancient Egyptian times. And I was like, why does this white guy get to be the decider of what's on tarot cards? Like the Yoga association or is headquarters is In Arlington, Virginia. Like, what they know about real yogis over there? I think white people have been colonizing magic for as long as they've been colonizing land, religion, and anything else we have in value up here. Like, I think they stumbled across many villages. It's like, oh, you got a little bit of magic to help your crops grow a little bit faster or quicker. Yeah, we need that. And they just scooped it up and took it.

[D]

And that's because there is a difference between science and magic. Not saying they didn't pick that up. I'm saying some of that shit was just irrigation.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

[D]

And, like, cooking techniques.

[A]

I don't think you're wrong as far

[D]

as how they did it. That's not magic. That's disease. Yeah. I guess smallpox is magic to you. If you ain't ever had that shit.

[A]

If you offer enough people dirty blankets, they gonna get sick.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And that is.

[D]

But that seems magical. Cause you're like, what the fuck is this new ailment?

[A]

What I like about what he's saying is that I think that white people are very fast to undesignate magic, to make magic illegitimate. You know what I mean? That, like, there's a lot of magic. Even in the black community. We talk about it all the time with, like, hoodoo and voodoo and those being not. Not this nefarious sort of, like, evil thing that they are often framed as in American culture. And I think that is an attempt to eliminate magic off of the board and then use elements of that magic to pretend to be cutie pies. It's how white women take hoodoo and voodoo and then turn it into, like, you know, fucking Salem witches or whatever.

[D]

Right, right, right.

[A]

They think is. Is the thing.

[D]

Or they take voodoo and they're like, oh, where'd my stomach go?

[A]

Yeah. But with my finger, you gonna smell something. It's like, all right. Yeah. That's not magic, bro. You're sick.

[D]

That was for us to grow rice.

[A]

That was so I could trick a man into loving me forever.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is. You fucked our whole shit up. How am I gonna get my cassava plans?

[A]

Yeah, honestly, you could take your finger off.

[D]

Yeah, great. You fucking asshole. That's interesting. Do you think there's, like, a wave of black magic coming back?

[A]

I think that we are in a wave where it is becoming more okay than it's ever been to identify as magical, as black magic, as black and magical. Yeah, I think that, like, I know a lot of women now who sort of Live in magical spaces. That wasn't true when we were.

[D]

That's true. You know what I mean? That's true. I didn't know any American women who claimed magic as a child. Hell, no.

[A]

Yeah. Nobody was like, yo, my mom's a witch.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ever, Ever, Ever.

[A]

Nah. Ever. And now I know a lot of women who have, like, you know, elements of sort of spiritual that lean into magical.

[D]

And do you have witch in your family?

[A]

Not. No. Self identified.

[D]

Okay. Yeah. My family is more the type to call people witch.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

And sometimes that comes, which is not great.

[A]

Sometimes I call this coming from inside the house, but absolutely. Sometimes there's four fingers pointing, three fingers pointing back at you.

[D]

But. Yeah. No, I don't know what. You're my family neither.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But maybe it may be somewhere down the line.

[A]

But I think we're going to see a big generation of kids who do have that in their family because of how free it is now.

[D]

I would like us to get back to where we belong. I would like us to get back to big stage magic. Mm. Where's our Siegfried and Roy?

[A]

You want black magicians on the highest platform.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I like that.

[D]

Black tigers, we. I don't know why that's so funny to me.

[A]

I like it. I like it because it presumes that they've been out here the whole time. We just haven't. We haven't had access to them.

[D]

This is one of those times I wish you could see in my head. Cause in the head it's two black guys wear all black and silk with chains. And then the tigers have durags, but they're black.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Is one of their hair, like blonde and fouped?

[D]

The black men?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, they're bald.

[A]

They're bald.

[D]

That feels magic to me.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And unfortunately, dark skinned. But that's just my fantasy.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[D]

Yeah, that's just my fantasy.

[A]

I think I pictured one of them bald for sure. And then the other one had like a beautiful blonde.

[D]

Okay. Huge earring.

[A]

Yeah. Like old Miguel haircut.

[D]

Yeah. Big earring. Big earring.

[A]

Yep. All black eyebrows are done.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And glitter. And very sharp facial hair.

[D]

Yeah, sharp. Ooh. Like the way the Grandmaster Flash, the

[A]

Furious 5, where it almost looks like it could bleed at any moment.

[D]

Yeah. Because what is a huge magic show need if not a great musical soundtrack?

[A]

I think that's right.

[D]

Like, I think that black people in the magic space could really go crazy, dog.

[A]

If was David Bling black. Ish. He don't own it. If he Is. He's something.

[D]

He is not white.

[A]

I think he's, like, mixed in some kind of way.

[D]

And he's just really tired.

[A]

I don't want to unpack, whatever that means.

[D]

You know he looks. Because he has, like, heavy eyes.

[A]

No, he looks like shit, but I

[D]

know I'm saying he has heavy eyes that make it look darker. And maybe that's why I think he looks like.

[A]

I. I think you're right. We have not seen a dark skinned magician on, like, the highest. Highest level Vegas. Yeah. And, like, imagine they're doing a trick and fucking. And fucking one in a million is playing while they're, like, walking on and on and on. Yeah. But it's, like, mixed.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like the beat and then it like, Man, this ain't just they turned on Aaliyah. This is. They put on a fucking show.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it starts with no background. Your love is one in the mill. Man, that would be incredible.

[A]

Crazy.

[D]

That'd be the best magic.

[A]

I don't.

[D]

And I think I'd go to Vegas. I'd go. I'd drive to Vegas.

[A]

And I think in a way that has been true historically for so many things, they are keeping us out of magic spaces because they know we'll sauce on they ass if we get in.

[D]

I went to the Magic Castle recently. Nary one black magician, bro. I went to the saw Indian kid going crazy.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Really intense energy.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Too much magician. That energy is not great.

[A]

I have a harder time with it up close than I do.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

In a big room. I think it's fun. And then up close I get.

[D]

He was doing it, like, to these ladies up close, and he was like, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. But he was like. The way it was coming out of his voice was like, you dog. You dog. Yeah, yeah. Like, it felt nasty. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I. I went to the Magic Castle very recently, and we went.

[D]

Did you guys eat the food? Mm. Food went crazy.

[A]

Oh, you like the food?

[D]

Yeah, I. You have bad food.

[A]

I don't think it's bad. It's just very okay to me.

[D]

My shit. Was he out of state?

[A]

No, I don't think I had this thing. Oh, man.

[D]

My shit was hitting.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[D]

Did you go with a magician? Why did I say like that? To go with a magic man. That's how we do it. Magicians are for colonizers. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's the devil's word.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Magic man is what we call him. I did not go with the magic man, we got tickets from somebody who's a member. But it was a bummer because we went on a Jewish holiday.

[D]

Oh, one of the high holidays.

[A]

One of the high holidays.

[D]

Which one? Yom?

[A]

I think it was Passover too.

[D]

We went and I was out of my element. I'm glad you kept that going.

[A]

It's not the central part of the story. I'll be honest with you. The individual holiday is not the one that I'm as much focused on.

[D]

I listen to stories like a lady.

[A]

And I've noticed and I've noticed sometimes it feels like I'm talking to my wife again. And hey, I'll never leave you. I'll never leave you. But I will try to change you. I will spend my life trying to change you. Just let me talk, nigga. We went on one of the Jewish high holidays and apparently a lot of the magicians are Jewish. Therefore we got a very B team ass performance at the Magic Castle. And it was all puppets.

[D]

Oh, my God. I saw puppets too. My night, bro.

[A]

It was all puppets.

[D]

How did puppets infiltrate that space?

[A]

It don't even make sense.

[D]

That's what I was telling my wife.

[A]

It's not even supposed to be in here.

[D]

This is not magic at all. This is just a guy doing a puppet, dawg.

[A]

I had to say a password. A magic. A magic word to get in here.

[D]

Make the puppet do some magic or get it the fuck up out of here.

[A]

That's crazy.

[D]

I don't just want to watch a puppet dance.

[A]

I'm not a pervert, Dude, I know you're talented. I'm not accusing you of not being talented. Get the fuck out of here with

[D]

that regular talent facts. That shit pissed me off. Yeah, why did I. I didn't come here to watch a fucking. I'm in the main room at a magic castle, dawg.

[A]

Here's where it gets even more.

[D]

We can do this on the pier.

[A]

This is where it gets even more fucked up. We got puppets. One of the. The main puppet show that we saw. Racist as fuck.

[D]

I think we could have seen the same shit.

[A]

Was it the Marionettes?

[D]

Dude, Fuck that shit. That shit, that shit. Oh, with the mammy. The mammy Puppy. The mammy. And then the Asian one.

[A]

And then the Asian.

[D]

I gotta text my wife right now.

[A]

It's crazy.

[D]

That shit made me so mad.

[A]

They. They bring out.

[D]

It's not even. And the crowd loved it.

[A]

They. That's not how my crowd reacted.

[D]

My crowd was crazy. They went crazy for it.

[A]

My crowd was murmuring.

[D]

My crowd Ate that shit up with a spoon.

[A]

I said, that sucks.

[D]

Fuck this castle.

[A]

That really sucks.

[D]

It did suck.

[A]

My crowd was mostly in agreement.

[D]

My crowd was not.

[A]

Bro, we should.

[D]

My crowd also. There was a weird polycule. It was fucked up.

[A]

There's a man who I get.

[D]

That's crazy.

[A]

This is a fucking regular at the Magic Castle.

[D]

Apparently they run it back who comes out.

[A]

And he's the headliner of the show for us. He was the headliner.

[D]

He was not. He was like this. He was in the main room, but

[A]

he was like the middle.

[D]

Yeah, he was like the middle.

[A]

They didn't give us. No, he was the headliner. And this man comes out and he does marionettes. And he's very talented at marionettes.

[D]

He's fine.

[A]

I don't know. He.

[D]

He starts off, the puppets do the work.

[A]

He's just standing there holding his arms up.

[D]

Funny I've seen. Have you ever touched a marionette? It's not rocket science.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You think it's easier than it appears to be?

[D]

He wasn't.

[A]

Okay. Apparently David's really tapped in in the marionette community. He was blowing my mind to some extent. But I will say that it starts off with a white acrobat or.

[D]

Yeah, the acrobat. That was the best one.

[A]

It's a white acrobat who literally is like, attaching and detaching from an acrobat. It was a trapeze artist from a trapeze. And it's pretty cool that she's able to do little flips in the air and then grab back on. And how. How does it work? I do not know. The science. Fine. And then immediately that is followed with the. The biggest, blackest, most sambo y ass woman.

[D]

Huge titties, red lip, eyes bugged out

[A]

of her fucking head.

[D]

It sucked.

[A]

And she comes out and she sings. She sings Negro music, bro. The only way to describe it is Negro music.

[D]

That shit is so. Man.

[A]

At one point in the marionette, as this, she grabs a microphone and is singing. She bounces her titties and then turns around and twerks her ass.

[D]

Yep. And because he's got it rigged so he's.

[A]

He's got it hooked to the pussy and he's popping that thing.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, gang.

[A]

With his little pig pinky. It's nasty work. And you think that's the tragedy, you go, well, this was an attack on my person. This is the most evil thing that this person has concocted. Certainly we have come to the end of his racial violence. But no he follows it one more time.

[D]

You hear a gong.

[A]

You hear a gong. And the equivalent of dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And a fucking Asian puppet comes out

[D]

with a Fu Manchu. Is that what it's called?

[A]

I believe so.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But you don't even get to that yet because it has on weird fucking, like, a shield, a mask, and, like, armor. And it's doing Asian dances and shit.

[D]

Yeah, it was a samurai.

[A]

Yes. And it felt like he was saying that the whole time.

[D]

It felt exactly like that.

[A]

And it keeps taking off more mass. The marionette keeps taking again. I think he's a very talented marionette manager.

[D]

He. I think he's good at construction.

[A]

Okay. Absolutely.

[D]

Because he put that ass together.

[A]

He. He built. He built that ass from.

[D]

He had to test that.

[A]

He had to whittle that ass.

[D]

He was.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[D]

You gonna tell me about the. You ain't never seen ass?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Miss me with the whole ass. Shenanigans.

[A]

Shenanigans. Yeah. I think he worked hard on those puppets, regardless of that shit.

[D]

Pissed me off.

[A]

And we should tell them that at the end, after unmasking itself multiple times, the Asian at the end turns into a dragon. A dragon? It transforms into a dragon and then flies off.

[D]

Because that's who they are inside. Serpents.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

That's what he thinks.

[A]

He certainly does not see them as human beings. Man.

[D]

I thought I was like, surely this was, like, this guy was on loan. I thought I was like, dog. Now I know that's like a house act.

[A]

I want you to know I fuck with the Magic Castle.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I've been there probably, like, five, six times.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I've always had a great time.

[D]

A lot of money for parking.

[A]

This is the first I went to. I was like, the Magic Castle was ass tonight. And I'm giving it up to that Jewish holiday, assuming that y' all called in the B team. But I swear to God, if that motherfucker starts being what I see every time, I'm done.

[D]

No, brother. This was. How long ago did you go? A month. Yeah, that's about. Listen, I could get the fucking date.

[A]

Nah, he had the weekend. It sounds like it must have been.

[D]

It's also crazy. We went to the Magic Castle within days of each other and didn't talk about it.

[A]

Hey, man, we can start hanging out. Just for real.

[D]

I'd like that.

[A]

I'd be cool with that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause we do sometimes.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think we could make it more consistent.

[D]

Yeah. We could have gone together. I would have liked to see that with you. Cause that shit was fucking.

[A]

Nah, it was a nightmare, dude.

[D]

I was so mad.

[A]

It was a genuine nightmare. I've never had a. I don't know

[D]

what day we were, but it must have been the same weekend.

[A]

I've never had a word.

[D]

Was it British guy hosting? Huh? Yeah, it was the same week.

[A]

He was pretty good.

[D]

He was funny.

[A]

He was funny.

[D]

He was funny.

[A]

His magic was cool.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I liked him.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

We also saw Mentalist, which I didn't. I didn't like.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like when they be in my mind.

[D]

Yeah, get out of there. Get out of there.

[A]

All right. We need to take another break. I think that felt like a long enough.

[D]

Yeah, it was good enough.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. We're gonna take another break. More, David, more. Langston, more. My mama told me. Since he got out, bad things keep happening.

[B]

Cape Fear, a new series is now streaming on Apple tv. Why would I want to hurt you? Starring Academy Award winner Javier Bardem. Why? And Academy Award nominee Amy Adams.

[C]

He's coming after my. My family.

[B]

Cape Fear now streaming on Apple tv.

[C]

I turned off news altogether.

[A]

I hate to say it, but I don't trust much of anything.

[D]

It's the rage bait. It feels like it's trying to divide people.

[E]

We got clear facts. Maybe we could calm down a little bit.

[B]

NBC News brings you clear reporting. Let's meet at the Facts. Let's move forward from there.

[A]

NBC News, reporting for America, Ryan Reynolds

[G]

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[D]

We're back. I think you must have a confused with your mama. What else is there to say? Perfect. You shouldn't have mixed her up.

[A]

I'll say this if you're gonna get punched in the face. He really. He went for it.

[D]

It's good to earn it.

[A]

I liked how he said it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And in a way, it endeared me to him more than I think it was supposed to.

[D]

Yeah, you're supposed to. He's supposed to be a bad guy. But you're like, this guy's pretty funny.

[A]

That's a pretty funny thing.

[D]

And unfortunately, I always go on the funn. Who I like.

[A]

I think you have me confused with your mama. That's great.

[D]

Go for it.

[A]

We have one more voicemail. We're gonna.

[D]

One last one.

[A]

Here we go.

[E]

Hi, langston. Hi. David McKenna here. This is probably my 15th message, maybe. Anyways, I just saw one that said that vegetables don't exist because apparently everything that is like the female part of the plant is a fruit. So apparently, lettuce is just like leaves, and, like, spinach is just leaves. But a vegetable does not exist. Like, he called the government propaganda because the government forcing us to believe in vegetables when really we're eating leaves. Okay, bye.

[D]

Joel, Are you okay? I'm sorry. I'm laughing. I'm sorry. All right? I. You sound very nice. Honestly, too nice to be here. You sound like you could be doing something with your life. Go outside. You know, you don't need to be doing this. I don't know, man. Does it matter?

[A]

I looked it up, okay? And I. I have some troubling, complicated news. Maybe it's not troubling. According to CNN, health.com and that's Capone.

[D]

Noriegahealth.com we don't want you to think we sold out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

We.

[A]

We only trust Capone and. Or Noriega. We're still tapped in with Capone.

[D]

See, Nori is running, though. He's very healthy.

[A]

Nori's doing great. He got. He got new hair, huge teeth. Yeah. Bite the shit out of you. He'll bite the shit out of you, and he'll run his fingers through his fictional hair

[D]

and he'll say, what? What? Man, I liked Nori before. I never. I liked him even before there was a.

[A]

You said you were a fan of

[D]

the music as a kid. Super thug, bro. Super thug got me. Like, I remember the video. He was wearing all that Arab shit and they were like, you found Manuel Noriega. He's in the Philipp. And I was like, glued to the tv. I was like, I don't know what this is, but this guy gets me.

[A]

I'll be real. I always knew Nori was slow.

[D]

That's what I like it.

[A]

I was like, nah, this dude ain't all the way.

[D]

He just says things you're not supposed to say. He said, all my whips got navigation. All your whips are just garbation. Neptune's. I got a cocker spaniel. And I was like, yeah.

[A]

And for that reason, I'm out. Out.

[D]

And I'm. I'm even more in. Anyways.

[A]

There is actually no such thing as vegetables as a, like, botanical classification.

[D]

Interesting.

[A]

They, they. She is correct that everything else is something other than a vegetable. The leaves of lettuce are leaves of lettuce. The, you know, leaves, they're not. They are not vegetables per se. Everything else is with a seed, is a fruit and they're, you know, so on and so forth. Roots, fucking, you know, tubers. Yeah, exactly. All of these things are not vegetables. We've just decided to call them that for branding's sake.

[D]

This really doesn't bother me.

[A]

It doesn't bother you in what sense?

[D]

So, like, it does. I don't feel dupes. Oh. I don't really feel duped because it's like, okay, was this catch all for leafy greens? I just don't. I don't feel led astray in any way by there not being a classification of vegetables.

[A]

I do a little bit, I'm honest with you, because I think that there's a reason that if this is a made up classification, they would put so many things into it that are not. Not actually healthy for us, I. E. Corn.

[D]

That's the first one.

[A]

I was thinking it is a vegetable in definition, but it is truly bad for us.

[D]

Corn is. Corn at this point is less of a plant and more of a government tool of propaganda dog.

[A]

It's a sin.

[D]

Yeah. Corn is a system.

[A]

That's not even how the Native Americans had it.

[D]

They called it maize.

[A]

That shit had. Had colors in it and stuff. And then we turned it into this yellow fictional product.

[D]

Corn's a nightmare.

[A]

It shouldn't exist.

[D]

And we make all this bullshit out of it.

[A]

And then we get told that is a alternative to a leafy green.

[D]

Right. And it's not.

[A]

We get told that's okay. Instead of broccoli.

[D]

If it's okay, how come it doesn't break down?

[A]

How come that come out the same way it went in.

[D]

Cause I eat some broccoli, I can't tell when it comes out.

[A]

That motherfucker look different.

[D]

I eat some corn, I know exactly what time it's done.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's. I think it's a weird sort of like, dangerous umbrella that they created where we suddenly are negotiating with unhealthy products. And I don't know that it was created with that intention. Right. Like, I don't think they created the term vegetable so that they could trick us with corn. I think that nasty corn motherfuckers saw an opportunity and, and jumped on the, the, you know, the bandwagon.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, I get that. I don't know, I just. It feels like six and one, half a dozen the other to me because it's like, you still know what's healthy and what's not.

[A]

Sort of. But how many? I mean, I spent most of my life thinking corn was good for me. When did you actually find out that shit wasn't good for you?

[D]

Early YouTube. I was watching some corn syrup shit.

[A]

So. What? Best 2010?

[D]

Yeah, best.

[A]

Yeah, bro, you were. You were pretty big by then.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, you were a big man.

[D]

I was a man.

[A]

That there wasn't a boy left.

[D]

I'd had sex.

[A]

Yeah, you, You.

[D]

I had sex when I knew corn was bad.

[A]

This is information you could have benefited from at an earlier age. I'm not saying it's the greatest sin, but I am saying there's something nefarious happening here.

[D]

That's fair. That's fair. And they do use it as a catch all for these things. They're good for you. And it's like, I don't know if you should eat that many olives.

[A]

I can't tell.

[D]

That's true.

[A]

Because you're pretending, like, because it grows from the earth, this is okay. But you're also soaking it in salt and brine in a way that might actually be worse for me than anything else I could be eating.

[D]

Yeah. Cause I. I fuck up some olives,

[A]

bro, I be buying pickles, thinking I'm like, being healthy.

[D]

Nah, that'll get you scurvy.

[A]

And I feel it.

[D]

I got it.

[A]

I'm scurved up.

[D]

Pickles make me feel bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

When I eat a whole pickle, I feel bad. I don't know why. I don't know how to explain it.

[A]

I feel strong.

[D]

Really? Yeah. You be eating whole pickles like that.

[A]

It's the only time where I'm like, that is. I do got Jewish blood in me.

[D]

Really?

[A]

I'm like, that's that raw?

[D]

That's that raw pickle. Yeah.

[A]

Evil. I eat all. I'll fuck up a pickle.

[D]

That's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't really even know what to make of that. Yeah.

[A]

I'll fuck up a pickle.

[D]

That's the most Jewish you feel is eating pickles?

[A]

I think so.

[D]

Is that your favorite Jewish food? I don't even think about it as a Jewish food.

[A]

It's top five dead or alive.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

I think Jewish people take a lot of pride.

[D]

Yeah. In their pickles.

[A]

In pickling and pickles in general. I think it. I think I. I consider it a Jewish product mostly because of ownership.

[D]

I respect the process of pickling and that they found out how to do that.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

I honestly, I like. I like the cucumbers better.

[E]

Mm.

[D]

Give me a little cucumber salad, brother. See, Typhoon, you know what I'm talking about, brother.

[A]

If I had my gun on you, I'd shoot you right now.

[D]

That's crazy.

[A]

The idea that you would choose cucumber over pickles sounds absurd to me.

[D]

Oh. Even on sandwiches, I get all the cucumbers.

[A]

You would you cucumber a sandwich? Yeah.

[D]

It's like a. Because I'm putting a lot of shit on there, so I kind of need the structural integrity.

[A]

Oh, this is foundation.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like. It's like as much of a nutrient. It's a building. Building block.

[A]

Here's what I'll say. You gotta stop building these Scooby Doo ass sandwiches, brother.

[D]

Come down to Sprouts and see what they're doing over there. See what they're doing over there.

[A]

I'm saying that in the same way that we are being tricked buy big vegetable. To believe that everything is a vegetable. You are taking sandwich art to a level it's not supposed to be taken to scale it back.

[D]

What do you think I'm doing?

[A]

I don't know, but apparently it needs a third floor.

[D]

It's just. It's cause I get a lot of turkey on it.

[A]

That's too much turkey.

[D]

No such thing. No such thing to Lean Me Lean meat.

[A]

See, that's the propaganda. That's what I'm speaking to.

[D]

It's poultry.

[A]

Relax.

[D]

You could have a lot of turkey on your sandwich. Don't let him or anybody else tell you any different. And come in. And don't let them come in with their pickle slander. Cucumbers is fine.

[A]

They're gonna tell you to put the sandwich on the scale. You don't have to.

[D]

You don't have to weigh it.

[A]

That's not. That's. That's just a suggestion.

[D]

You say, I am a sovereign state. I do not recognize you.

[A]

My turkey weighs what it weighs, bitch.

[D]

I will be paying for this in cubits. All right, man.

[A]

I think we did it.

[D]

Yeah. You gotta get. You should get one of those sprout sandwiches, though.

[A]

I would like to try one. Yeah, let's look, man. Let's go get sprout sandwiches. Let's kick it. Let's go to the castle, see some shit that ain't racist.

[D]

I would love that, because that left a bad. I was like, is this what magic is?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, you know.

[A]

Yeah, it sucks.

[D]

I'm really glad you saw it, too, though.

[A]

Yep. We felt it together. And I hope you felt it here with us today. I hope. I hope that felt good for you.

[D]

And.

[A]

And we have some news.

[D]

Oh, yes.

[A]

We. We. It's breaking news.

[D]

Breaking news first.

[A]

You're the first one hearing it. But we. We. We are changing networks.

[D]

It's going to look a little different, but a little the same. Yeah. Yep.

[A]

It's going to be the same two of us. I thought we were rolling through it.

[D]

I didn't think it was going good at all.

[A]

You gave up real fast.

[D]

I felt like I fucking blew it immediately.

[A]

I really wasn't that bothered by it, really. I believed in you, and you didn't believe in yourself.

[D]

And we got this out.

[A]

Nope, keep it in.

[D]

Cut this out.

[A]

You need to see how he is.

[D]

We have a big announcement.

[A]

The big announcement is we're changing networks. And so we are going to be going down for a little bit. Likely. There may be a little bit of a dark period, but that's okay because we're still available over on Patreon. You can find us on Patreon. And then we're gonna reemerge like a phoenix.

[D]

Like a beautiful Phoenix from the ashes. Simon Phoenix.

[A]

Simon Phoenix.

[D]

Wesley Snipes.

[A]

Black with a blonde swoop.

[D]

That was the height of his powers.

[A]

Ew.

[D]

He was.

[A]

He was cool as fuck in that movie.

[D]

That was about the height of his powers. Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, we're going down.

[D]

We're coming back.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Keep up with us on the Patreon. In the meantime, we still got a few more episodes coming out, though. We're just letting you know there's gonna be a regime change, and we'll see you guys on Truth Social.

[A]

My mama told me as a production. Production of Will Ferrell's Big Money players network and iHeart podcast created and hosted

[D]

by Langston Kearney co hosted by David Borey executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hansani and Joel Monique Edited and engineered by

[A]

Justin Comed Music by Nick Chambers artwork by Dogon Krieger. You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow my mama Told Me and subscribe to our channel.

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[A]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.