We Are Eating Fake Foods Y'all...(with Langston Kerman and David Gborie)

Summary

Podcast Summary: My Momma Told Me – Episode: "We Are Eating Fake Foods Y'all..."

Title: We Are Eating Fake Foods Y'all...
Hosts: Langston Kerman (Lexa Garmin) and David Gborie (David Boring)
Release Date: November 26, 2024
Network: Big Money Players Network and iHeartPodcasts
Description: Comedians Langston Kerman and David Gborie delve into the intriguing world of Black conspiracy theories, exploring everything from silly to scary conspiracies, including those passed down from quirky family members.

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1. Episode Introduction

The episode kicks off with the hosts, Lexa Garmin (Langston Kerman) and David Boring (David Gborie), setting the stage for a deep dive into the realm of food-related conspiracy theories. They humorously introduce their unique take on how the food industry might be deceiving the public about the authenticity and healthiness of the foods we consume daily.

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2. The Reality of Processed Foods vs. Real Foods

Discussion Highlights:

• Fake Food Concerns: Lexa and David explore the idea that much of what is marketed as real food is, in reality, highly processed or even entirely contrived.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [12:04]: "So you're saying you do believe we're consuming a fair amount of things that you would not qualify as, quote, unquote, real."

• McDonald's Patty Theory: David recounts rumors suggesting that certain fast-food items contain more plant-based ingredients than actual meat, raising questions about food authenticity.

  Notable Quote:

  David Boring [11:24]: "Like the process by which we came to this, it's been whatever. Real food has been filtered out."

• Olestra and Diarrhea Incident: The hosts discuss the infamous case of Olestra, an additive used in diet chips that caused widespread digestive issues.

  Notable Quote:

  David Boring [13:04]: "Those, like, soy chips, they were like, no calories, but then they gave people terrible diarrhea."

---

3. Case Study: The Cashew Conspiracy

Discussion Highlights:

• Fake Cashews: Lexa shares a disturbing claim from social media alleging that what we consume as cashews are actually sheets of dough shaped and baked to resemble real nuts.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [28:06]: "These cashews are not real. They are just bread shaped like nuts."

• Labor Exploitation: The genuine cashew industry relies heavily on underpaid labor to extract cashews from the cashew apple, highlighting ethical and economic concerns.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [30:06]: "It requires a lot of like, damn near slave labor in order to accomplish it."

---

4. Genetic Modifications and Changes in Food Taste

Discussion Highlights:

• Evolution of Produce: The hosts discuss how genetically modified organisms (GMOs) have altered the taste and variety of fruits and vegetables over time, leading to a standardized but less diverse palate.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [20:55]: "I always considered it just like the non-denominational versus the King James, but maybe their NIV sounds far more correct than new international."

• Banana Flavor Discrepancy: They delve into why banana-flavored products often taste different from actual bananas, attributing it to outdated flavor formulas based on now-extinct banana varieties.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [19:29]: "Banana's the one where if you like it, you are rare and if you don't like it, you are vocal all the time."

---

5. FDA's Role and Public Distrust

Discussion Highlights:

• Regulatory Skepticism: Lexa and David express distrust in the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), questioning the agency's effectiveness in ensuring food safety and authenticity.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [32:46]: "It's expecting a lot of people to be like, no, I trust. I trust that this is only the best if it's FDA approved."

• FDA-Approved vs. Non-Approved Products: They debate the reliability of FDA approvals, noting that even FDA-approved products often contain dubious additives.

  Notable Quote:

  David Boring [34:31]: "Like, what is even this thing? And if they're such a terrible vet of stuff, why would we ever rely on them?"

---

6. Historical and Cultural Reflections

Discussion Highlights:

• Biblical Dietary Laws: The hosts humorously reflect on how ancient dietary restrictions, such as those against eating shrimp, might have stemmed from trying to avoid foodborne illnesses like diarrhea.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [22:00]: "He was like, the Lord told me, no shrimp. I almost lost my family, okay. The diarrhea."

• King James Bible vs. New International Version: They liken the differences between Bible translations to shifts in societal norms and understandings, emphasizing how interpretations can vary widely.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [45:12]: "That, like, there's a reason that Granny Smith is the go-to apple. Or the base apples are the ones that are being promoted because those are the ones that we grow easiest."

---

7. Potential Solutions and Future Outlook

Discussion Highlights:

• Hope for Change: While both hosts express skepticism about systemic changes, they ponder whether future health crises might compel society to address the issues surrounding processed foods.

  Notable Quote:

  Lexa Garmin [41:14]: "I think the only way we ever do something about it is if it starts to shorten our lifespan."

• Elite vs. Mass Population Impact: They discuss how even among the affluent, unhealthy eating habits persist, questioning whether widespread change is feasible without significant societal shifts.

  Notable Quote:

  David Boring [42:38]: "How many people in, like, that elite population are truly, like, living by. You know what I mean?"

---

8. Host Banter and Comedic Interlude

Throughout the episode, Lexa and David engage in playful and humorous exchanges, often riffing on absurd scenarios related to their conspiracy theories. Their chemistry adds a lighthearted touch to the otherwise serious discussions about food authenticity and public health.

Notable Quotes:

David Boring [03:09]: "Diarrhea. Kind of a beautiful word."

Lexa Garmin [05:07]: "Finally work to prove that Tyler Perry's wigs are the reason that we are losing the coral reefs."

---

9. Call to Action and Promotional Segments

Towards the end of the episode, Lexa and David promote their upcoming "Start the Steal Tour," encouraging listeners to attend their live shows in Seattle and Portland. They also invite listeners to submit their own conspiracy theories related to food.

Notable Quotes:

Lexa Garmin [27:01]: "We're very excited about it. I'm not about to bite my tongue. We want to sell it out and the dates are coming up fast."

Lexa Garmin [47:50]: "Send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to tell us what other foods we missed that are not real but are still worth it."

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10. Episode Conclusion

The episode concludes with a blend of humor and contemplation, leaving listeners to ponder the validity of the discussed conspiracies while eagerly anticipating future episodes and live events.

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Overall Insights:

• Critical Examination of Food Industry: The hosts encourage listeners to question the authenticity and health implications of the foods they consume, highlighting potential deceit within the food industry.

• Intersection of Humor and Conspiracy: By blending comedy with serious topics, Lexa and David make complex and potentially alarming subjects more accessible and engaging.

• Call for Community Engagement: The podcast fosters a sense of community by inviting listeners to contribute their own theories, emphasizing the show's interactive nature.

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Conclusion:

"We Are Eating Fake Foods Y'all..." serves as a thought-provoking and entertaining exploration of the food industry's hidden facets. Through their comedic lens, Lexa Garmin and David Boring shed light on important issues surrounding food authenticity, health, and regulatory oversight, all while maintaining an engaging and humorous dialogue.

Transcript

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[Lexa Garmin]

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[Lexa Garmin]

My Mama Told Me Presents the Start the Steal Tour we're very excited about it. I'm not about to bite my tongue. We want to sell it out and the dates are coming up fast. And so if you live in one of these areas, we want you to buy your tickets now. It's all available on our Instagrams, on our websites, on our link tree. December 12th, we're in Seattle. And December 15th, you're closing it out in Portland, Oregon. We want y'all to come out. We want y'all to kick it. We will be doing our coveted live show with special guests with just me and David depending on the city. It'll be a great time.

[David Boring]

All that meet and greets. You think Chris Brown has a good.

[Lexa Garmin]

Meet and greet, bro? Let's be clear. I'll take a weird picture with you for free.

[David Boring]

Diarrhea. Kind of a beautiful word.

[Lexa Garmin]

My love. You give me diarrhea, mi amor.

[David Boring]

Como is always followed by some foul.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, it's gotta be.

[David Boring]

Nobody ever says como in good faith. No.

[Lexa Garmin]

You just want to do something violent.

[David Boring]

Yeah, you're about to do something bad.

[Lexa Garmin]

Hey, how do you say fuck all y'all?

[David Boring]

Como Saint say, the place where I came to get pills.

[Lexa Garmin]

You know what I'm saying? The government growing babies. Microchips in your 80s. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Martians invented turkey stuffing. Y'all can't tell me nothing. Oh, we are living single in a 90s kind of world. I'm glad I got my girl. There it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me the.

[David Boring]

Podcast where we dive deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories and we.

[Lexa Garmin]

Finally work to prove that Tyler Perry's wigs are the reason that we are losing the coral reefs. He is extracting resources from this planet and combing them together to make awful coral looking wigs that are literally bleaching our sweet bottom dweller units below. I'm Lexa Garmin.

[David Boring]

I'm David Boring. I didn't fully. I get it.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, yeah. No, you don't buy it for shit.

[David Boring]

Seems toxic.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

I don't know enough about the reefs. I'm saying that's what I worry.

[Lexa Garmin]

I'm saying. I'm saying that what he's putting on human heads doesn't look at all to be of this part of the planet.

[David Boring]

Like it shouldn't be put on human heads.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's not for. It's not even meant to pretend to be human hair at this point.

[David Boring]

It does seem like a crazy place to not. That's where you're cutting the corners.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's wild. And maybe, maybe this is how you become a billionaire. Right? Is you have to understand, it's not.

[David Boring]

What you make, it's what you say.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, maybe we're looking at it like hair glue. How much could that cost? And he's like, I'm paying for hair glue.

[David Boring]

Come on. What are you talking about, 50k a month?

[Lexa Garmin]

Lick that down. Slap it.

[David Boring]

We got a movie to make.

[Lexa Garmin]

Do it in one shot and you got nothing to worry about. Coral reefs is where I'm at.

[David Boring]

Coral reefs protect our.

[Lexa Garmin]

What do you want us to protect?

[David Boring]

I gotta be honest, man. I did too much edible last night, and it's bled over into today.

[Lexa Garmin]

Whoa. Okay, okay. My man is weird high.

[David Boring]

Exactly that. Exactly that. I was trying to hold it together during the last one. Yeah, you'd be making these great points. And I'm just looking over, remembering we're wearing these shirts. Like, it's like you could only say. You can only be so smart with, like, the face of another dude in the room on your shirt.

[Lexa Garmin]

Right?

[David Boring]

It's like, it tops out, man.

[Lexa Garmin]

What if we start to get more. Not that our guests haven't been legitimate, but actual, like, thinkers on this podcast. Do you know what I mean? Like, if we get a Taasi Coates. If we start to get the.

[David Boring]

Is that the. I hadn't.

[Lexa Garmin]

I don't know that that's the plan.

[David Boring]

Oh, God. Thank God.

[Lexa Garmin]

I was like, it certainly isn't what I aimed for, but there could be a world where we find ourselves successful enough that they start going, hey, I'd like to come. I'd like to come be silly with you. But they don't know that what silly is. And we're wearing these shirts, and then they have to decide what kind of person they're gonna be.

[David Boring]

Oh, I like that. Really force their hand. Yeah, it's like a power move, essentially.

[Lexa Garmin]

I think so. I think if they come in and.

[David Boring]

We just are like this. No explanation.

[Lexa Garmin]

Now, you said in your book.

[David Boring]

That.

[Lexa Garmin]

Things are complicated in Israel. Okay, I'm not convinced. Tell me more.

[David Boring]

It would be a good play. That would be a. I think that'd be huge.

[Lexa Garmin]

He sits across from us and he starts. You know what I mean? Cause he can't help it.

[David Boring]

Cause what do you have? What do you. What do you. What do you think about this? You have to. You have to make a lot of game time decisions. If you sit across two men dressed like this and because, like, how am I gonna play?

[Lexa Garmin]

This is gonna be beautiful. Because he would only come if he asked, which means that you wanted to be here.

[David Boring]

You're gonna presume you Start a foot back. Because you presume this is, like, a thing you don't know about, that we're united.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. And probably your team told you this is a cool thing and it lives in this kind of space. And you're like, yeah, I could have a. That'd be exciting. To have a conspiracy theory conversation with black men and unpack that in terms of its bigger effects on our planet, on our experience. He probably would think this is hopeful and inspiring.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

And then he comes and he sits down across from two idiots wearing matching shirts of each other's faces, like we're.

[David Boring]

In a tween relationship.

[Lexa Garmin]

He's just sitting there like, God, if they have matching backpacks, I'm gonna.

[David Boring]

Ye. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

I'm gonna call my agent and fire them. I wanna fire them on this podcast.

[David Boring]

Yeah. No, it's. So maybe we keep the shirts for that. Because I'm already doing the math. I'm like, oh, no, I can't go to the airport looking like this.

[Lexa Garmin]

Dude. I think from now on, anytime we have on these shirts, it's gotta be a power play.

[David Boring]

Yeah, that's good.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's just us being like, I don't know how this episode's gonna go, so you getting big dogged real quick.

[David Boring]

Yeah. Right out the gate.

[Lexa Garmin]

Boo.

[David Boring]

Boo. Boo. They won't think to have listened back even this far.

[Lexa Garmin]

No.

[David Boring]

That's the good thing about getting a big, famous guest. They'll do minimal research.

[Lexa Garmin]

They got no idea what this is. But they know that they sat down against two people they've never heard of wearing matching shirts.

[David Boring]

Yeah. Damn. Thank you for extending the shelf life of this shirt.

[Lexa Garmin]

I think these shirts are a permanent fixture in our lives.

[David Boring]

We're gonna be like that guy with the vest.

[Lexa Garmin]

Let's go, D. Ray.

[David Boring]

Yeah, D. Ray. That guy.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yep. We have a conspiracy that you and I talked about today. We were brainstorming earlier a little bit, and we landed on a conspiracy I think we're both very excited about. But we said, my mama told me we are eating fake food. Whoa. Kick it off. What are you thinking?

[David Boring]

I mean, I've always heard rumors about things. Right. Like, I heard. I remember years ago hearing that, like, the McDonald's patty for the double cheeseburgers is more plant than it is meat.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

You know what I mean? And you hear these things, and sometimes, I mean, especially, like, bad food. You're like, the process by which we came to this, it's been whatever. Real food has been filtered out. Yeah. To where this is just, like an abomination. You know what I'm saying?

[Lexa Garmin]

Like a fish stick.

[David Boring]

Yeah. Or like, you know, bacon flavored. Anything that's not bacon.

[Lexa Garmin]

Right.

[David Boring]

You know what I mean? Where it's like, this is. We've gone real far. Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

So you're saying you do believe we're consuming a fair amount of things that you would not qualify as, quote, unquote, real.

[David Boring]

Yeah, I think. I think. I think. I think. I think so.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. I think I feel similarly. I think it's more. I think it's more often than we think. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think even when we kind of think something is sort of rooted in a reality, it's actually more of that abomination that you're speaking of.

[David Boring]

I mean, that is. That's the worry, right? That I'm gonna be like, I think it's a little problem and come to find out. But, I mean, I think it's like, there's whole foods and then there's processed foods, right? Yeah, I think that the processed foods are, like, highly processed. And this isn't like rocket science, you know what I mean? It's just. That's, like, pretty standard thing.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

Some of the stuff they do to foods, you're like, you can't do that. Like, when they had those diet chips and then everybody got diarrhea. Remember that?

[Lexa Garmin]

I don't remember that.

[David Boring]

Those, like, soy chips, they were like, no calories, but then they gave people terrible diarrhea. So it was just in like, the early 2000s.

[Lexa Garmin]

Holy shit.

[David Boring]

You know, they were called like, wow or some shit like that.

[Lexa Garmin]

Oh, I didn't know wow gave people diarrhea.

[David Boring]

Yeah, it's not. It's not good.

[Lexa Garmin]

Wow. That sucks. Fuck.

[David Boring]

Wow.

[Lexa Garmin]

Olestra is the oil that made people shit.

[David Boring]

I hope that they can see you, because that is.

[Lexa Garmin]

No, they're all pointing this way. We're hearing from Olivia, who poked her head in cartoonishly, I would say.

[David Boring]

Oh, very Sesame Street.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. Who poked her head in that? Olestra is the name of the oil that was giving people diarrhea from the wild chips, I think. I think, yes, so much. There is a massive difference between whole foods and processed foods. But then I think even the level of processing that some foods make feels impossible for it to have maintained any version of its original self.

[David Boring]

Right. That's what I'm saying. It's been filtered down so many times.

[Lexa Garmin]

Powdered eggs is such an absurd concept of dehydrating eggs and then rehydrating them in their original form that, like. Well, that's not what that is anymore. That's not real egg. It's like the essence of egg.

[David Boring]

But we're so played that, like, that's like when you can buy a product at the grocery store and it's like, with all natural flavors or uses real eggs or whatever, where it's like. We're so used to thinking that this whole thing is chemicals, that they're like, oh, sometimes we put some real shit in.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, exactly.

[David Boring]

You know what I mean? I don't want to freak you out. We got apples in this applesauce. Yeah, they're like, I'm just a good guy like that.

[Lexa Garmin]

Look, man, these gushers are made with real fruit juice. And that didn't have to be.

[David Boring]

Could have just hit you with the vat of chemicals. But I said, essence of BlackBerry.

[Lexa Garmin]

A little bit of juice in there for the kids. For the kids. Have a little bit of juice. Cause, you know, they're not like, filling it to the brim.

[David Boring]

No, it's not. It's not.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, they just hit you with one.

[David Boring]

Of these little tap.

[Lexa Garmin]

They give you that. What's the salt bay?

[David Boring]

They salt bay.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yours. They salt bae, Your fruit juice.

[David Boring]

Yeah, for sure. I think that. But we're just so used to it, like, you know, that it's, like, permeated. But I think for sure we're all. Yeah, it's not going good with that stuff.

[Lexa Garmin]

No, I agree. I think we are constantly sort of being presented meals that are far more manufactured than they are, like, of the earth. And then I think the question becomes maybe the standardization of what we consider real and fake.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

Because to some extent, things that we consume that are chemical are still food in that our body can digest it. It just isn't natural. Do you know what I mean?

[David Boring]

Right. Yeah, But I think that that's what we're talking about is like, our food is not real, meaning it's not derived of something organic. Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

Well, I guess that's maybe the bigger question. Do you think that that's a problem.

[David Boring]

Man? I truly don't know the science behind it. My instincts would say yes, but I don't know, man, because it's the idea of, like. Seems like science can make shit. Make like a wonder cocktail to drink or whatever that gives you everything you need. So then it's like, Is artificial food a bad thing? I don't think always, but I think a lot of times, like, with most shit like this, it's probably used to cheapen the process. You know what I mean? I think that you can make A good artificial food. I think the ones that are getting made are not being made with that in mind.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. It's cutting your product. It's not.

[David Boring]

Yeah, yeah. It's not like they're not using it to make Fruity Pebbles good for you.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, they didn't.

[David Boring]

Which, if someone out there has the.

[Lexa Garmin]

Technology, please give my man some healthy Fruity Pebbles. They're like, david, have you slimmed down? Well, I've been eating my fruity pebbles like 2:00pm yeah. No, I, I, I do think that there is this missing component of how much of it is just intention.

[David Boring]

Right, right.

[Lexa Garmin]

That like. Oh. If I intended to add this artificial whatever with the goal of like protecting you or keeping you healthy or, or removing a worse element that already exists in the natural food, that's what the processing is for. But the, on the flip side, it's like no more just making something stretch and, or addictive.

[David Boring]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a good process.

[Lexa Garmin]

No. Cause truly apples are juicy. If I want some juice, I can just eat an apple. You know what I mean? I can eat an orange.

[David Boring]

They got all, everything's got all this stuff in it. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

And they were like, nah. But if we put like 500 grams of sugar in this.

[David Boring]

Yeah. It's like a super apple.

[Lexa Garmin]

You don't want that apple a bunch of times.

[David Boring]

And to their credit, it is. I'm not saying that shit is not. You know what I mean?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

They go crazy with the additives sometimes. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

Apple juice is objectively better than an apple.

[David Boring]

Apple juice is divine. Apple juice tastes like. It doesn't come from here.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

Like when you get it really good in Kolesh, it's, that's crazy.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[David Boring]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

But then on the flip side, it didn't come from here.

[David Boring]

No. And they had to make that up.

[Lexa Garmin]

They had to make that the fuck up.

[David Boring]

Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

That ain't a Granny Smith. That ain't a Red Delicious. That is manufactured.

[David Boring]

Yeah. Which is pretty sinister.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's the most horrifying thing.

[David Boring]

Like they really, they're coming after everything if they won't. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

This is something I learned not too long ago is that banana flavor, which is maybe, I would argue is maybe the most polarizing flavor of all the flavors. Is that fair to say in fruit? In like fruit flavored things?

[David Boring]

Yes. Yeah. I think bananas.

[Lexa Garmin]

Banana's the one where if you like it, you are rare and if you don't like it, you are vocal all the time.

[David Boring]

Right, right, right. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

That said the banana flavor. The reason that people often don't like banana candies and don't like banana flavors and other stuff is because the banana flavor we eat in candies is actually based on a flavor of a banana that no longer eats. Exists. It's like a genetic breed of banana that was like. Or maybe it exists dark, but it isn't the one that we now understand to be, like, the main banana, bro.

[David Boring]

Laughing Taffy's is an ancient flavor that no longer exists, dog.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's like an old breed of banana that, like, in 1942, they drew up the original flavor palette, and then they were like, well, that's the one. And now we're just recycling an old fucking formula.

[David Boring]

That's crazy. Cause then that makes me think about. I never thought about the idea of produce or anything changing throughout time. So it's like food tastes completely different. And, like, that truly never crossed my mind. I feel like an idiot.

[Lexa Garmin]

I mean, well, that's what GMOs are, right? Is that we continue to do these genetic modifications over centuries, a century, more or less. And in doing so, we are changing the products, and then those products become dominant.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

That, like, there's a reason that Granny Smith is the go to apple. You know what I mean? Or the base apples are the ones that are being promoted because those are the ones that we grow easiest or can modify the quickest or whatever it is. So when you go like, oh, what does an apple taste like? It's this, right? Because we just taste that all the time.

[David Boring]

Right, right, right.

[Lexa Garmin]

But motherfuckers in 19, whatever the fuck, had tasted bananas very differently than us.

[David Boring]

That's so interesting. But I mean, it's also fucked because I think some stuff it made healthier than it was before. Meat was really dangerous.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

For a long time.

[Lexa Garmin]

So much so that the Bible really concentrated time on it.

[David Boring]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Lexa Garmin]

They were like, hey, bro, do not eat shrimp.

[David Boring]

This shit will fuck you up. So, like, the amounts of meat that we have now, do not eat shrimp.

[Lexa Garmin]

Can you imagine the diarrhea that that author had before he wrote down, God does not want you to eat shrimp.

[David Boring]

It took him out.

[Lexa Garmin]

He was like, the Lord told me, no shrimp.

[David Boring]

I almost lost my family, okay? The diarrhea.

[Lexa Garmin]

It is a wonderful.

[David Boring]

No one I serve would condone.

[Lexa Garmin]

It is an absolute wonder that I'm here with you today. And the only reason that is is because God needed me to tell you, leave that shrimp alone.

[David Boring]

Put it down, please. Oh, man.

[Lexa Garmin]

He was fucked.

[David Boring]

I bet you diarrhea used to be so bad.

[Lexa Garmin]

It was the worst.

[David Boring]

Like, it sucks now. And we. And we have rocket ships. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. It sucks now. And I can look up how to fix it on my phone.

[David Boring]

Yeah. And it's still like, nah, it kind of sucks, bro.

[Lexa Garmin]

Imagine. Because medieval.

[David Boring]

Oh, fuck.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's also. You have to imagine how many people had it and didn't know what it was.

[David Boring]

They just thought that's how they moved through the world.

[Lexa Garmin]

That like, once. Once every six weeks, your body explodes. It just erupts. And you have to throw away everything you own because what else could this be? Yeah. And then you start fresh.

[David Boring]

Oof.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, it's rough out here, man.

[David Boring]

Yeah, it was bad going back then.

[Lexa Garmin]

Here's. We should take a break. I don't know that I've seen any indication of it, but I have a feeling we've earned it. We're gonna take a break, and then we're gonna come back with more David Moore lengths than more my mama.

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[Lexa Garmin]

Cha Cha Chu cha. Chumba.

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[Podcast Narrator]

Restrictions apply for more than 30 years. In Kansas City, Kansas, a man allegedly raped and terrorized black women. A detective named Roger Golubski.

[David Boring]

He told me to keep my mouth closed.

[Lexa Garmin]

If I did say anything, I would come up missing like so many others.

[Podcast Narrator]

But then, right before trial, he was found dead, leaving countless questions behind. Listen to corruption uncovered from Roc Nation and its philanthropic injustice Division. Team Roc. Wherever you get your podcasts, My Mama.

[Lexa Garmin]

Told Me presents the Start the Steal Tour. We're very excited about it. I'm not about to bite my tongue. We want to sell it out and the dates are coming up fast. And so if you live in one of these areas, we want you to buy your tickets now. It's all available on our Instagrams, on our websites, on our link tree. December 12th, we're in Seattle. And December 15th, you're closing it out in Portland, Oregon. We want y'all to come out. We want y'all to kick it. We will be doing our coveted live show with special guests with just me and David depending on the city. It'll be a great time.

[David Boring]

All that meet and greets. You think Chris Brown has a good.

[Lexa Garmin]

Meet and greet, bro? Let's be clear. I'll take a weird picture with you for free.

[David Boring]

We are back discussing foods. Is that real? Whoa. Yeah, I don't know.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, no, I like that. That was cool.

[David Boring]

We gotta come in segments.

[Lexa Garmin]

Mm. Yeah, you really locked it off there.

[David Boring]

Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

I saw something pretty recently that disturbed me in relating to this conversation. And I have no proof that this is a real thing that I saw or if it is just a bad Instagram TikTok whatever type video. But I saw a video claiming that the cashews that we eat are not real cashews. And it showed essentially like sheets. Like these sheets of dough in a factory where people were essentially cutting out cashew shaped pieces of dough and then baking them and then sort of like serving them up as real nuts, when in fact they are just bread.

[David Boring]

That's nuts. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I know. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I was like, if you could know what was in my head. I was like, just don't do it. It's going so good. Just don't do it.

[Lexa Garmin]

What the fuck do you want from me, man?

[David Boring]

Ah, man, I know, I know it was a tough place to put you.

[Lexa Garmin]

Well, what do you want me to do?

[David Boring]

I'm. I'm telling you that I also did not want that to happen.

[Lexa Garmin]

Fuck, man. Fuck. We'll have a big meeting after this.

[David Boring]

Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

But no, they're claiming that these. These cashews are not real. And even more fascinating, I saw another video relating to cashews, which was very informative for me, but I found out cashews are not real nuts in general. What we're told they are is that they're a nut. They're actually the seed of a fruit called the cashew apple.

[David Boring]

Oh, wow.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. So like, these cashew apples.

[David Boring]

Oh, that makes sense with, like, the pattern. It looks like a seed pod kind of.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. And so they basically, like, have to pluck them from the inside of these cashew apples in order to, like, mine them and make them, you know, into what we present as these big sort of collections of seeds or of nuts, rather. And part of the reason that that gets so complicated is it's like insanely difficult to get the cashew out of this apple. Or at least far more difficult than just plucking your average nut. And then on top of that, it requires a lot, a lot of like, damn near slave labor in order to accomplish it. That, like, tons and tons of people internationally are being paid, like, $3 a month to be, like, pulling fucking cashews out of cashew apples so that we can sell them on mass. You know what I mean? And so it becomes this question of real, I guess, becomes even more complicated because you wonder, all right, if it costs that much.

[David Boring]

Yeah. If that's what the price is. But then it is still an industry in the way that, like, you take that away, you take away a lot as well, right?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah, you take away the sort of.

[David Boring]

Like, there's towns that run on businesses like that, right?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. But if they're towns internationally, do they give a fuck? You know what I mean? Like if it's a town in the Philippines that is serving us cashew apple, you think America is going to be like, no, we got to keep that industry afloat.

[David Boring]

Right. Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

That is dark shit.

[David Boring]

Yeah. That really.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's not inspiring.

[David Boring]

Yeah. I don't know if real cashews are better than fake cashews.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. And I don't know if I believe in a company's goodness to at least like, keep the slaves that they have. Right. That.

[David Boring]

No, I don't. I think that if there was a way to. They didn't have to do it, they would not do it. You know what I mean?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. I think they would happily turn it into machines. Which then brings me back to this question of a sheet of dough being cut into little cashew shapes and served up to us as if it's real.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

It starts to make me believe that more, I guess, would be the argument that I have.

[David Boring]

Right. I mean, I think there's a lot of trickery that goes with food because it's kind of one of those things that it regenerates. You know what I mean? Like, it's easy to sell shitty food and just. I'm all stoned.

[Lexa Garmin]

Okay.

[David Boring]

I had too high.

[Lexa Garmin]

But I agree. I think like, even thinking about the. The fda.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

And the FDA is the Food and Drug Administration. Their sole purpose, or at least what we are presented their purpose is, is the verific, like the quality of our food. Right. Like they assure us that this food meets a certain standard. But on the flip side, there are a lot of things that are able to be sold that are not FDA approved.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

That. That don't have to follow that standard. And even the things that pass FDA inspections are often proved to be toxic, are often proved to be not what they claim to be, in part because the FDA is a government agency that has its own agenda the same way we all do.

[David Boring]

Yeah. I mean, the thing about the FDA is like, if people can buy it non fda, then what does it really matter? Right. You know what I mean? If it's not, like, if it's just like an idea, it seems like a waste of time kind of.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. I mean, it's expecting a lot of people.

[David Boring]

Right, Exactly.

[Lexa Garmin]

To be like, no, I trust. I trust that this is only the best if it's FDA approved, and if it's not, I won't have it. And that's not how people are at all.

[David Boring]

At all, at all.

[Lexa Garmin]

You drink so much blue stuff.

[David Boring]

That's crazy. Relax. Do I have a blue day every now and again. Yeah. But I don't think it's crazy that. Yeah. People don't make that discernment. So it's like. Like, what is even this thing?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

And if they're such a terrible vet of stuff, why would we ever rely on them? It's just like. Seems like you're on your own out here. Yeah. It's all gonna be bad.

[Lexa Garmin]

And then you look at the things that are FDA approved and you go, well, that's crazy. Do you know what I mean? Like, fucking Mountain Dew is FDA approved.

[David Boring]

Yeah. What is this? Who did you pay?

[Lexa Garmin]

It's not. There's no way. You were like, yeah, this covers all the bases.

[David Boring]

Yeah. They sought. And we're like, put it in you. Yeah, sure, put it in you.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

This shit that looks like coolant.

[Lexa Garmin]

Every, like, six months, I'll watch a video of, like, somebody showing all the things you can do with a can of Coca Cola.

[David Boring]

Oh, yeah. Like cleaning shit.

[Lexa Garmin]

You can, like, clean things.

[David Boring]

Just leave shit in there for a.

[Lexa Garmin]

While and it, like, de rusts your car.

[David Boring]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can put, like, your battery housings or whatever. Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

It's just fucking nuts. Like, the crazy scientific things that are possible with this product, there's no way that anyone should approve that for human consumption.

[David Boring]

Yeah. So it's like, what is the fda? You're not on our side.

[Lexa Garmin]

You're not working. You're not working for the people by any means. All right, we're gonna take a break. We'll be back with more David More, Langston More. My Mama Told Me.

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[Lexa Garmin]

The.

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[Podcast Narrator]

Restrictions apply for more than 30 years in Kansas City, Kansas, a man allegedly raped and terrorized Black women. A detective named Roger Golubski.

[David Boring]

He told me to keep my mouth closed.

[Lexa Garmin]

If I did say anything, I would come up missing like so many others.

[Podcast Narrator]

But then, right before trial, he was found dead, leaving countless questions. Listen to corruption uncovered from Roc Nation and its Philanthropic Injustice Division, Team Roc, wherever you get your podcasts an actual.

[Lexa Garmin]

California Psychics customer what brought me to.

[David Boring]

California Psychics for the first time? Word of mouth. I've dealt with psychics for many, many, many years and normally have maybe one or two gifted out of a whole room of people.

[Lexa Garmin]

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[David Boring]

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[Lexa Garmin]

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[David Boring]

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[Lexa Garmin]

Plus new customers get 80% off. Call 800, predict 800p r e d I C T California Psychics the psychic service more people trust My Mama Told Me presents the Start the Steal Tour. We're very excited about it. I'm not about to bite my tongue. We want to sell it out and the dates are coming up fast and so if you live in one of these areas, we want you to buy your tickets now. Now it's all available on our Instagrams, on our websites, on our link tree. December 12th we're in Seattle and December 15th you're closing it out in Portland, Oregon. We want y'all to come out. We want y'all to kick it. We will be doing our coveted live show with special guests with just me and David depending on the city. It'll be a great time.

[David Boring]

All that meet and greets. You think Chris Brown has a good.

[Lexa Garmin]

Meet and greetings, bro. Let's be clear. I'll take a weird picture with you for free.

[David Boring]

We are back. We did it, y'all.

[Lexa Garmin]

We made it back.

[David Boring]

We made it back.

[Lexa Garmin]

A lot of people said we wouldn't come back.

[David Boring]

They said we weren't gonna make it.

[Lexa Garmin]

They were banging on that door. They say, boys, get the fuck outta here.

[David Boring]

They said, your dream is dead and your shirt is stupid. We said no.

[Lexa Garmin]

We still got one more ad break to do.

[David Boring]

We got one more use of this thing.

[Lexa Garmin]

Give us one more lap, Captain. I guess the bigger question we're talking about whether or not our food is real. The bigger question that this all kind of makes me feel is do you think there's any chance we'll ever do something about it?

[David Boring]

That is the worry. And this is where I think my pessimism comes on. Cause I always think that everything is gonna get so over bloated and terrible that it'll just collapse and then something new will come into its place. Yeah, I don't see us course correcting a ton of shit, you know what I mean? But I don't know, maybe, man, if something really happens, it forces the hands. But I mean, there's like, I don't.

[Lexa Garmin]

Know, I think the only way we ever do something about it is if it starts to shorten our lifespan.

[David Boring]

Right.

[Lexa Garmin]

Like right now we keep getting older, despite all the sort of, like, complaints of like, the awful things we're obviously doing to the planet, obviously doing to our own bodies. There's a fair amount of evidence that like, you know, like, sperm production in men has gone down like 10 times compared or a hundred times. It's something insane compared to, like what our grandfathers used to make. And that has to be a reflection of something happening in our society. It's not just that men ain't men no more. Like we're eating something, we're breathing something. Something bad is happening to our physical form. That said, I live longer than my grandfather did. Yeah, I look younger than my grandfather did at his. You know what I mean? Like, historically, we are becoming a more successful species. And so until it starts to shrink where like, everybody get sick early and everybody dies, I don't think we Have a chance to really need to address it.

[David Boring]

I mean, that's fair. I don't think it's ever going to get to that point where every. Or maybe. But you think it's like, rich people, that's, like a major thing that they have access to, right?

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. But even then, like, it's. How many people in, like, that elite population are truly, like, living by. You know what I mean? Like, how. I know a lot of rich people who eat, like, absolute garbage.

[David Boring]

Fair.

[Lexa Garmin]

They just eat more of it.

[David Boring]

You know what I mean? Fair, fair, fair.

[Lexa Garmin]

Like, I don't think every rich person is like Gwyneth Paltrow.

[David Boring]

Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

I mean, I think a whole bunch of them are Tracy Morgan and my boy. My boy ain't reading about no diet.

[David Boring]

I think that we're both. I think we're both circling around the same thing. In that catastrophe is the only thing we think is gonna. Yeah, right. One way or another, we think things have to go terribly wrong for them to fix the problem. And that's really how I feel about most everything, I think.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. I think we're gonna need. I think the day after tomorrow hits, and then people start getting their shit together about what they put in their box. But otherwise it's more an elite few.

[David Boring]

Yeah.

[Lexa Garmin]

Damn. Well, a heartwarming ending to a heartwarming episode.

[David Boring]

You know, just. We really seek to uplift.

[Lexa Garmin]

That's when golden. We say little boys and little girls listen to this podcast. We want to inspire them to go out in the world and be great. Let's talk about how all our food is poisoned and only the zombie apocalypse will make us change that.

[David Boring]

But also could be some kind of a sickness that doesn't make zombies.

[Lexa Garmin]

Okay. Just real bad diarrhea. I'm listening.

[David Boring]

Old school diarrhea.

[Lexa Garmin]

Old school diarrhea where you start making new Bibles and you like, I spoke to God and he told me that hot Cheetos are a sin.

[David Boring]

Oh, man. It's also funny to think. I mean, I guess we know that that happens with religion, but it's funny to think that at some point in a lot of these things, there was just a guy. It was probably a guy who was just like, nah, not anymore. Like the King James Bible. He was just like, but make it mine. Yeah, I want my own shit.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. He was like. He was like, But I wouldn't talk like that. Put a couple thou's in there now. Now. That's me. That's me. That's me.

[David Boring]

That's crazy, though, because it's like and now that's just. That's the one that's the go to.

[Lexa Garmin]

You think the King James is the go to?

[David Boring]

You think like the niv.

[Lexa Garmin]

I bet it's closer to a Kamala Trump split than.

[David Boring]

I think it's King James versus niv.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

Okay.

[Lexa Garmin]

I bet half the people like King James and then the other half are like, nah, I ain't fucking with that King James shit.

[David Boring]

New international version. Yeah, I mostly say those two. Cause those are the only two that come to my head immediately.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah. I always considered it just like the non denominational versus the King James, but maybe their NIV sounds far more correct than new international.

[David Boring]

Yeah. It's its own thing.

[Lexa Garmin]

Yeah.

[David Boring]

Which I think the point is they just made it easier to read is what they said.

[Lexa Garmin]

But I mean, God, I hope so, because people are having a hell of a time interpreting it now.

[David Boring]

That's why it's such a good book. You take from it whatever you need.

[Lexa Garmin]

I think that's why it's the most violent book on the planet.

[David Boring]

Leave the rest.

[Lexa Garmin]

I think that's what makes it truly the weapon of choice for so many people, is that you can just make shit up. And people are like, I guess it kind of says that. I don't. I don't know.

[David Boring]

Another heartwarming end here at My Mama Told Me podcast.

[Lexa Garmin]

You want to tell the people where they can find you what cool shit you have going on?

[David Boring]

Cool guyjokes87 on Instagram patreon.com davidbourry you can go there to buy my special. And then my special is also streaming wherever you stream Birth of a Nation. You can listen to it for free on there.

[Lexa Garmin]

Wow. All right, well, follow me. Langston. Kermit, you can watch my special Bad Poetry and you can see us out on tour. We still have Portland and Seattle. We would love to sell those dates out. We really want to see you there. Come out. They're gonna be fucking great. It's gonna be awesome. You can buy the tickets at our link tree and you can look it up. We'll be at Laughs and we'll be at the Helium Comedy Club in Portland. And then most importantly, if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to tell us what other foods we missed that are not real but are still worth it, you send it all to mymamapodmail.com. you could also call us. Call us.

[David Boring]

Yes.

[Lexa Garmin]

On that phone number.

[David Boring]

Put the graphic up right now.

[Lexa Garmin]

Put up a graphic that's. That has the phone number which I've certainly memorized.

[David Boring]

It's 844-lil-moms.

[Lexa Garmin]

844-L-Loms is the number we would love for you to call. We want more voicemails. We want to hear your sweet voices and talk to you. So like subscribe. Reflect diarrhea. Bye bitch. The government growing big microchips in your anus. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Marshy to bed and turkey stuff. Y'all can't tell me nothing.

[Live Nation Advertiser]

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[Lexa Garmin]

Hey there, it's Scott Patterson from I Am All In Again. Podcast Life Short Talk Fast Stream Gilmore Girls on Hulu. That's right, grab your coffee and get cozy because all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls are now on Hulu. Stream all the witty, banner, heartwarming moments and awkward Friday night dinners with Lorelai, Rory and the eclectic mix of characters. Whether you're rewatching or going Gilmore for the first time, Hulu has you covered. It's a show. It's a lifestyle. It's now streaming on Hulu. California Psychics is the real deal. They helped me out, totally changed my attitude, totally got me psyched to start my business and take a new path in my life.

[David Boring]

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[Podcast Narrator]

More than 30 years in Kansas City, Kansas, a man allegedly raped and terrorized black women a detective named Roger Galupski.

[David Boring]

He told me to keep my mouth closed.

[Lexa Garmin]

If I did say anything, I would come missing like so many others.

[Podcast Narrator]

But then, right before trial, he was found dead, leaving countless questions behind. Listen to Corruption Uncovered from Roc Nation and its Philanthropic Injustice Division, Team Roc, wherever you get your podcasts.