In with The Beckhams, Man Thrown Out & A Kardashian Up Close

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "In with The Beckhams, Man Thrown Out & A Kardashian Up Close"

My Therapist Ghosted Me (Global)

Hosts: Vogue Williams & Joanne McNally
Date: October 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

This week's episode is a classic high-energy, unfiltered chat between Vogue and Joanne, joined by their producer Joe. After a brief hiatus, they return with trademark chemistry, unapologetic honesty, and plenty of chaotic fun. Topics range from celebrity run-ins and perfume theft to the wildest audience behavior, impending Kardashian encounters, and the recent bizarre news from Scotland—all laced with laughter, oversharing, and sharp wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. YouTube Channel & Life Updates

• The hosts plug their underappreciated YouTube channel (“Full video episodes of me and Vogue in various shades of ugliness” – Joanne, 01:11).
• Lighthearted banter about their latest live show together, the prevalence of Adidas tracksuits in Joanne's wardrobe, and mutual admiration.
• Vogue jokes about fancying Joanne during her last show, leading to classic saucy banter (02:10–03:01).

2. Perfume, Dermatologists & The Beckhams

• Joanne reveals she wears the new Victoria Beckham perfume, which she received as a ‘tester’—with vague legality (“I was on the receiving end of someone else’s theft” – Joanne, 05:17).
• The conversation turns to their mutual dermatologist, Katrina Ryan, and the lengths they go for treatments.
• Major excitement erupts as Joanne describes being unintentionally associated with the Beckhams: Cruz Beckham posts a band photo outside her show, and David comments below. Joanne humorously claims she's “now part of the Beckham family” (07:59).
  • “David Beckham has seen my name. So I’m off to the Cotswolds for Christmas.” – Joanne (07:55)
• Vogue shares she met David Beckham at Barry’s Bootcamp, to Joanne’s mock envy.

3. The Kardashians (and a Red Carpet Moment)

• Vogue is hosting the red carpet for Kim Kardashian’s new Disney+ show premiere and is beside herself (“She was my mastermind subject. 10 out of 10!” – Vogue, 10:49).
• Massive excitement about meeting Kim and Kris Jenner; Vogue plans to “touch her. Not, like, appropriately” (11:13–11:25).
• Joanne details Kris Jenner’s secret facelift codeword only shared with friends (“Imagine we both got facelifts and came out looking exactly like Kris Jenner” – Joanne, 13:25).
• They strategize how Vogue should play it cool—or not—with Kim, suggesting she act aloof to intrigue her (17:06–17:39).

4. Vogue’s Tech Triumphs

• Vogue regales with her new-found “tech genius” status after setting up her devices over several hours—prompting relatable moans about passwords, Apple products, and the perils of new tech (26:17–27:32).
  • “When I get a new phone, I have to cut family and friends out of my life because I can’t transfer your number over.” – Joanne (26:37)

5. Audience Antics: A Man Thrown Out

• Joanne reveals a deeply strange moment from her York gig: a man was thrown out for publicly pleasuring himself (“He was just kind of rubbing... like the way I suck my thumb when I’m tired. It was a rubbing.” – Joanne, 22:57–23:19).
• The trio tries to deduce if this was an odd kind of compliment; Vogue asks the obvious: “Why would you care if he’s hot or not?” (21:41–21:46).
• Ultimately, Joanne is both insulted and amused, but mostly disappointed: “Ipso facto, I was disappointed by a man at my own show.” (24:01).

6. Celebrity Encounters & Outlet Outfits

• Vogue gears up for her Kim moment by buying new Skims—including the new ‘Nike Skims’ and even considering the famous ‘pube knickers.’
• The group breaks down what a “merkin” is and considers its etymology (“Kim has brought out a line of merkins... Pube knickers.” – Joanne, 35:01).
• Spirited laughter about returning pubic hair trends, joking about everything eventually coming back into fashion—even pubes needing ‘transplants’ in Turkey (39:08–39:47).

7. Bizarre News: The Fake Scottish Baby

• Discussion of a viral story: a Scottish woman faked a pregnancy and baby, holding a gender reveal and duping everyone until people noticed something was off (“She held a gender reveal party... When people start asking questions, she’s like, ‘Oh, it’s dead.’” – Joanne, 28:10).
  • Joanne notes, “Even in relationships, no one’s riding. That was encouraging for me to know.” (30:29)

8. School, Homework & Spelling Struggles

• The conversation drifts to the trauma of parents teaching math, reliving school homework woes, and the challenge of spelling commonplace words like ‘spaghetti Bolognese’ or ‘broccoli’ (37:18–38:16).

9. Sex Toys, Lubes & Final Laughs

• The hosts joke about the glut of sex toys sent by PR companies, ways to repurpose 70-quid lube, and whether Vogue even needs them given her husband (“You don’t need a sex toy. You have a husband.” – Joanne, 42:51).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Joanne on free perfume:
  “I was on the receiving end of someone else’s theft.” (05:17)
• On Cruz Beckham and the family:
  “David Beckham has seen my name. So I’m off to the Cotswolds for Christmas.” (07:55)
• Vogue’s celebrity obsession:
  “She was my mastermind subject. 10 out of 10!” (10:49)
• Joanne on performing:
  “Ipso facto, I was disappointed by a man at my own show.” (24:01)
• On trends:
  “Everything comes back into fashion eventually...but I just didn’t foresee pubes coming back.” (39:08–39:20)
• Joanne on school struggles:
  “My father, God rest his soul—I’d say I took years off that man trying to teach me math.” (37:27)
• On tech woes:
  “When I get a new phone, I have to cut family and friends out of my life... Goodbye and good luck.” (26:37)
• Discussion of the ‘merkin’:
  “Kim has brought out a line of merkins... Pube knickers.” (35:01)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:15–03:01 – Catch-up, gig shenanigans, tracksuits, friendship banter
• 03:06–07:59 – Perfume, facialist stories, association with the Beckhams
• 08:00–10:25 – Cruz Beckham’s accidental promo, further Beckham-adjacency
• 10:38–15:34 – Vogue’s Kim Kardashian obsession, red carpet nerves, Kris Jenner’s secret facelift surgeon
• 16:27–17:39 – Red carpet outfit plans, strategic Kardashian interactions
• 20:12–24:04 – Live show tour updates, the York man incident
• 26:17–27:32 – Vogue’s DIY tech saga, Apple rants
• 28:00–31:44 – Scottish fake baby story breakdown
• 34:17–35:01 – Skims, “nike skims,” and merkins
• 37:18–38:16 – Schoolwork drama, spelling confessions
• 42:07–end – Sex toy surplus, lube repurposing, final playful jabs

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Tone & Style

The episode is freewheeling, irreverent, cheeky, and personal—typical of the MTGM style. The hosts bounce between earnest fangirling, brutal honesty about their lives, and complete absurdity. The language and delivery are colloquial, self-deprecating, and brash, with no attempt at polish or filter.

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Takeaway

This episode is a quintessential showcase of Vogue and Joanne’s rapport and appeal—pure fun, no holds barred, celebrity gossip, relatable disasters, and flashes of heartfelt candor. Whether you care about the Kardashians, the Beckhams, or sex toy logistics, you’ll laugh, cringe, and probably clutch your pearls at least once.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Global Player original podcast.

[B]

We're back. My therapist, Ghost Me is back from our two week break. It's great to be back. I'm still Joelle McNally, she's still Vogue Williams, and that is still Joe Adewell. Nothing has changed. Everything stays the same. Business as the usual. While we're here, a couple of. A couple of bits of business. Oh, we have. We have a YouTube channel that we probably haven't pushed or plugged enough. And we should do that though, because we get a little. We're not the. We're not the best pluggers in the world, although some would disagree. But we have a YouTube channel. What is it, Joe? What is our YouTube channel? And. And all the full episodes of the podcast are on that channel to be watched.

[C]

Full video episodes. And if you search for. My therapist ghosted me on YouTube, you can also watch on Global Player, you can watch full video episodes.

[B]

Full video episodes.

[C]

They take a very long time to make and I'd love it if someone watched them.

[B]

They're full video episodes of me and Vogue in various shades of ugliness with baseball caps, glasses, no ring lights.

[A]

We've tried. We've tried our best. We've tried our best and do go and have a look when you. Maybe when you're cooking, cooking your dinner or something, it'd be nice to have us on the background.

[B]

That's good, Vogue, to give them a suggestion like that.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Yeah, we're getting ready for a night out with the girls.

[C]

Subscribe and subscribe.

[A]

I was just saying because obviously I went to see Joanne on Saturday and this is the first time I've seen her since and I was very doughy eyed, like I fancied her for that night. Had to go home. Yeah, yeah, it's the big take myself home.

[B]

It's the big bush energy.

[A]

I mean, it was really. At the end, I just was tearful. I thought, oh, no, this has gone too far this time. You had me at Prosecco, but I'm telling you, you've really got me now. I don't know if I can take myself to the show again.

[B]

She threw the gob on me after, didn't she?

[A]

I did. I tried. I hit the ear. I hit the ear.

[B]

She tried to finger me in the green room after. I said, well, please, I'm a professional person. Please.

[A]

You want to control yourself, for God's sake.

[B]

You can touch it on the outside.

[A]

I was allowed a bit of dry riding through the.

[B]

Through the Adidas tracksuit. You can just Touch.

[A]

Touch it.

[B]

Just the tip. That's it. Now just go back to your family. Vogue.

[A]

And I took the tracksuit home with me. I did. I took the tracksuit home. You have. You have seven of those tracksuits.

[B]

I have seven Adidas tracksuits.

[A]

Yeah. The same one for stage.

[B]

Thank you, Lifestyle Sports.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you for nothing. Lifestyle's worth. I didn't get one tracksuit.

[B]

I'll get a tracksuit out of them for you.

[A]

Oh, no, I have the one I took to you the other night. I didn't want you to wash it.

[B]

Before I got that gas obsessed with me on stage.

[A]

And you smelled so nice. Took a picture of your perfume and I said, that's Katrina Ryan's perfume.

[B]

It's not. It's not Katrina Ryan's perfume.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Did you get it off? Was it the price?

[B]

Yeah, that's Victoria Beckham's new perfume.

[A]

Johan, I know Katrina Ryan doesn't have her own perfume, but I was in with her and she smelled like that.

[B]

Sorry, it's 9am Sorry. Sorry.

[A]

I was in Joanne's dressing room and I. When, as I was sniffing her, I thought, wow, she smells extra special tonight. And I wasn't sure if it was the stage or if it was the perfume. And then I spotted this perfume across the room and I was like, she copied Katrina Ryan, who I copied with that perfume. You know when someone has a nice perfume.

[B]

Yeah. It's gorgeous. It was a gift. I didn't buy it. It's about 200 quid a bottle.

[A]

Who the hell gave you that?

[B]

Allegedly.

[A]

Well, it's really. That's why I don't have a bottle.

[B]

Yeah, there's some things. We've discussed this before. There's some things you'll happily kind of splash out on. Perfume is not one of them. I do feel like it is one of the biggest cons, but I do like to smell nice.

[A]

Katrina Ryan is. Is our facialist. Slash, let's be honest.

[B]

She'S actually a dermatologist.

[A]

She's a dermatologist.

[B]

I don't know about you. Vogue. I go to her for my rosacea.

[A]

Oh, do you? Yeah. Joanne, do you want me to ring you, confirm that?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Honestly, Rosacea.

[A]

She said you were in there for three hours the last time. That's a lot of rosacea.

[B]

Getting my. Get my knee lift.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My hair transplant. How dare you. But I was doing a job in a, like, kind of bougie chemistry place, and the girl gave me the tester of the Victoria because I was like, oh, my God, that's gorgeous. And she. And she was basically like, you can have the tester, because there was hardly any in it. So I took it.

[A]

You got the tester bottle? I thought you meant you got like a little, you know, those sachets.

[B]

I got the tester bottle. So I'm not sure if that's heft, but I. I was gifted to your theft. Exactly. Exactly. I was the. I was on the receiving end of someone else's theft.

[C]

Handling stolen goods.

[B]

I'm only handling the stolen goods. The perfume is only resting in my account. I cannot be held responsible for it. But it is gorgeous. And Victoria is sorry now that I'm part of the Beckham family.

[A]

Oh, I saw that.

[B]

The greatest tell. Everyone explains the greatest bit of accidental pure I've seen in my professional pure life. Basically. Cruz Beckham, you know, the way I'm always going on that I want to be one of the backams and I want to be involved in.

[A]

Everyone want the back.

[B]

Yeah. They're just the most perfect family, despite the, you know, kind of, you know, affair.

[A]

Perfect emperor.

[B]

You know, if, if, if, If a marriage doesn't survive an affair. Is it even a marriage? In my opinion, they couldn't be more perfect.

[A]

Now they've gotten rid of Brooklyn after that selfie book finally took ages. They finally kicked. That's why they're fighting.

[B]

That is the meanest thing you've said.

[A]

I actually. That's a joke. Because I actually don't mind Brooklyn and I.

[B]

She's round about. She's seeing what? She's gone too far.

[A]

Is it. Am I. Have I gone in too deep? Okay, I don't care. I feel really sad after the week she's recommitting.

[B]

We know her story.

[A]

Don't hate me. Don't hate me. The church.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. Send her some tan. Send her some tan.

[A]

Will you send her a bag as well?

[B]

I'll send her a bag. I'll send her a bag. She'd love one of my bags.

[A]

She'd love one, yeah.

[B]

She can put it inside.

[A]

Send Brooklyn one too, will you?

[B]

She can put it inside her 20 grand bag. Put in my little €100 bag. So Cruz Beckham.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is. Is. Is starting a band. Has started a band. Is in a band. My facts are fudgy because I was just too shocked. And he posted a photo of himself outside the London. It's a Hammersmith Apollo with his band and my name, because it was that I was the run of three nights. I was doing. So it has Joanne McNally, 16th, 18th of October in huge out of the back and he's like delighted to have opened four. And I was like, oh, my God, did I black out Sakura Road and hire cruise backup? I was so confused. But it was just. He just did this dump, as the kids do, of this, like, collage of photos. And I just happened to be in the background of the first one. And then I went through the comments and David Beckham commented underneath going, congratulations, Cruzy, like, doing all your hard work. So David Beckham has seen my name. So I'm off to the Cotswolds for Christmas.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm in the funnel.

[A]

I do want to take. It's a lot more I've said. I've actually said hello to David Beckham and I still haven't been invited to Christmas.

[B]

Did he say hello back, though?

[A]

He actually said hello to me and I responded.

[B]

Did he indeed?

[A]

Yeah. In Barry's boot camp.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't be a hater.

[B]

He said, in Barry's boot camp.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you know what I took if that happened, Joe?

[A]

Talk. Talk about. Talk about me being bitchy. You know the way at the. At the Hammersmith Apollo, as soon as you finish, like, remember we finished, I wanted to go outside, I get a picture of us, like the ghosted sign outside. And they'd taken everything down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I was at your show, I got a video and I was like, jesus Christ. Well, they rob our grave as quick. They were taking it down 20 minutes after you. And it's like, but no one's even on tomorrow. Like, why do they so fast?

[B]

Heavily unionized. Like it's. They want you out and gone, but. And also I remember I was the same when I did my first Apollo for prco. I came out and as I. As I drove off in the car, Anastasia's name was up already. And I was like, wow. Yeah. They had the letters. They were taking the letters down. I was. I think I hadn't even popped the champagne.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. They. I couldn't believe it. I was standing outside, I wanted to.

[B]

DM Cruz as my new opener and go, come here. Send your ma in, will you? Send your match the show, will you? We need to get her on side. I love her.

[A]

I know. I really do love her. And not just because I want her perfume.

[B]

Did you see her new documentary?

[A]

Yeah. But like, I thought she was amazing in David's documentary and I think she's just. She's always been a powerhouse and I didn't know that she Was like, all musical theater y and everything. Like, she can dance, she can sing. Did you see her did the TikTok with Harper? I mean, she is a sick dancer.

[B]

I fell asleep. The documentary. That is no shade on her. I was absolutely exhausted, and I put it on to relax. And her. Her. Her dulcet tone set me off. So we need to go back and watch it again. But she's finally admitting that she had an eating disorder, which I think was like, I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say. But it was, you know, quite visibly clear, because that's the thing with eating disorders. They're very visible. But I was like, of course you had a fucking eating disorder. You were a pop star in the noughties. Like, it was impossible to not have one.

[A]

Do you know what I mean?

[B]

But I think she was. I'm glad that she's kind of airing it all. I loved it anyway. She's got great kids, her husband. She sounds power. Yeah.

[A]

10 out of 10 for the Beckhams.

[B]

Now part of them thrills.

[A]

Oh, my God. Imagine you actually did become friends with the Beckhams.

[B]

I could see it. I mean, I could. I could see that. I could see it happening.

[A]

Well, I will take your Beckhams, and I will raise you.

[B]

Are we okay? Go.

[A]

I will raise you. Kim Kardashian.

[B]

This is huge news.

[A]

My new best friend. Wait till you hear. Joe. Joe. How much do I love Kim Kardashian? How much?

[C]

It's an unhealthy obsession.

[A]

Like, not normal. She was my mastermind subject. 10 out of 10 obviously got all them right.

[B]

I totally forgot she was your mastermind.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Oh, I haven't met her yet. That happens tonight. She's a new show coming out on Disney plus called O Fair, and the whole cast are coming over, and Chris is gonna be there.

[B]

This is. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to us.

[A]

I would say 100, and I'm hosting the red carpet. And, like, I'm gonna touch her. I'm gonna touch her. Not, like, appropriately.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna say Vogue, please. Not when I'm gonna breathe her air. No one hear sexy touches.

[A]

Oh, I wish.

[B]

Just be appropriate with her, please.

[A]

I'm so excited, though, because I bought. Who doesn't want to see a Kardashian up close? And I'm getting to see Chris, who has just come out and said she had that face up with that guy. And I'm gonna ask her, chris, what's the secret code?

[B]

Oh, yeah, because she did, you Hear about this, Joe?

[C]

No.

[B]

You know the way Vogue likes to drop in a story with zero context?

[A]

Yeah, all the time.

[B]

She's a context free zone, our Vogue. Basically, Kris Jenner had a very successful, very impressive facelift. And she named the surgeon because there was other surgeons coming out taking credit for it. So she came out and then said, look, this is who I actually who did it. But she rang the doctor before and said, look, are you okay with me saying this publicly? Because she was like, he doesn't need the promo. Like, he's. He's. He's booked and busy, you know, he's like, yeah, no, that's no problem. But what they did was they came up with the secret code word that if anyone rang to try and get an interview with him or a. An audition, like a consultation, it's an audition at this. Yeah, it's a tap dance. And you'll decide if you'll fix their face.

[A]

Please, please.

[B]

But you've got to pick a pocket or two. He's like, no, get your wigs and get out of here. I'm not fixing you. You have a head like a box of Spanners. You stay the way, but gave them a secret code word. And so if they are genuine friend of Kris Jenner's, if they have the code word, he'll give them a consultation. So Vogue's going in. We have her. We're gonna have you. We're gonna have you miked. We're gonna have a little secret camera on you.

[C]

You're gonna wear a wire.

[B]

We're gonna.

[A]

She's go, fire.

[B]

And I'm going to be out in a van with the satellite dish out the front waiting for this code word.

[A]

Joanne, this is our private code word. I'm not recording this.

[B]

You'll be lucky.

[A]

You'll listen. You'll have to reconsider your actions on Saturday if you want that code word for me. Of course I'd give you the code word. I'd never do something like that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I just wouldn't want to give it to everyone else.

[B]

Imagine we both got facelifts and came out looking exactly like Kris Jenner. And we're like, what are you talking about? We didn't get the code.

[A]

We haven't done a single thing. I don't know what you're on about.

[B]

They're like, you look Armenian. What are you, on base? You can't say that to me.

[A]

Oh, God, stop. Loads of other people that I'm meeting, though. I'm meeting Nishi Nash. I'm meeting. I'm meeting Tiana Taylor, and if you. Okay, I'm not obviously going to bring this up when I meet her because it's probably not the topic that I will ever talk about, but she is in Kanye West's video fade and. Oh, I have never seen a more perfect specimen. Teyana Taylor. Oh, my. She's a stancer. She basically. She. She's in the show with Kim, and she basically choreographed for Beyonce when she was 15. Like, she created this routine for Beyonce, and she's been going. She's just this, like, phenomenon of a person. And I watched her in the kind because I didn't know it was her. And then I was obviously deep diving everyone because I'm interviewing them today. And I watched her in that mood and that music video, and I was.

[B]

Just like, is it not kind of weird for Kim to be working with somebody who worked at Kanye? Was this years ago?

[A]

Yeah, but I think that, like, I'd say Kim is bigger than that, first of all. And I would say that there's too many people that would have worked with Kanye. You can't not work. Yeah, everybody. You don't like.

[B]

Fair. No, that's fair. That's fair.

[A]

Watch the video of her. And anyone listening, listeners, please watch that video. Like, you'll die. You'll feel like her body just doesn't even look like a real body.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[A]

So I'm hoping that I meet them first so they can, like, ease me in if I get. If Kim comes first, like, I'm just not going to be able to swallow or anything, you know, that way. I want to have fun with them. I have to stick to movie questions, but I also want to ask other questions, but it was her birthday yesterday, so I've got that to go on, you know, just to be like, natch.

[B]

This is mega. Word on the street is when I say word on the street, I mean, facts on the Internet say, But she is, like, tiny, like, five, five foot five, two, five, one.

[A]

I know, but I can't wear a kitten heel.

[B]

You have to vogue. You can't wear heels, Joanne.

[A]

I have to wear heels. I'm not. Not wearing heels.

[B]

You're going to have to go on pumps. If you want to be friends, you're gonna have to go in pumps.

[A]

She won't be my friend if I'm in pumps, and she won't be my friend if the heel's too high. But I don't think she likes a kitten heel either. I'm gonna have to go somewhere in between. I'm not going in a pump draw, me. I'm wearing a suit. I'll literally look like a bloke.

[B]

Yeah. I wonder what she's gonna wear. Is she gonna come dressed in her black plastic bags or what's she gonna. Is she gonna go high fat? And that show looks amazing, by the way. I saw an ad for. It looks savage.

[A]

Yeah, I know. It does look really good. She's going to be wearing. I've seen. When she's worn. They're all wearing these, like, gorgeous, stunning dresses. But, like, there's no point in even trying to compete or do anything of the sort. I've just gone black suit. Like, really gorgeous, structured black suit. I'm not gonna try and, like, out wear them because it's never gonna happen.

[B]

Stunning. Yeah. I do think sometimes black is best. I think sometimes you're dead. Right? Go demure, go discreet and go. Yeah, you just. And just accept. You're like, okay, I'm not gonna try and style them. I'm not gonna try and out style. And you're. You're interviewing. You know, you're the Louis Theroux of the day. Louis Theroux doesn't go ott Louis through.

[A]

I am going in for gloss in my hair with Hadley before because he said Kim Kardashian likes glossy hair. So get in early, we'll do a gloss. I'm doing as much as I can to better myself.

[B]

Just don't be. Just. Just don't be weird, okay? Because we would. We would love her in the gang. So just be cool, be chill.

[A]

Yeah, but I can't tell her then how much I love her.

[B]

No, play it.

[A]

Does he know how much I love her?

[B]

Ignore her.

[A]

Does he know?

[B]

Ignore her. That's my advice.

[A]

She'll just come up on stage.

[B]

I'll just turn your back. Yeah, make her really work for it. That's the best way. Treat him like a lad.

[A]

Start tipping me on the shoulder. I'm like.

[B]

You were like, get over me.

[A]

Just walk by her and go, hi, Tiana.

[B]

Go for Mariah on her ass.

[A]

Oh, here he is. Who are you on the phone to? Just out of interest? You can beep it out.

[C]

The vet.

[A]

Oh, not for me. Not another one. Not another one.

[B]

Getting your shots.

[A]

Is the dog okay?

[C]

Yeah, he's okay. He's hurt his back, so he's in a cage and he's not allowed out of the cage. And he's very sad.

[B]

You have a dog?

[C]

I've had a dog for all the years I've known you.

[B]

I've never seen a dog.

[C]

All right. Okay. Well then I made.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're so weird.

[A]

The way you make sure that wasn't. That wasn't the best. Well, one of my kids has finally paid an interest into the fact that Winnie's no longer here. Otter was sitting on the ground today and he goes, where's Winnie?

[B]

And I'm like, not here. That. That's a good sign. That means he's, like, emotionally resilient. You. You don't. You won't have to worry about him. He's.

[A]

It's three weeks in a day. It's three weeks in a day and he's finally mentioned it.

[B]

He's an. He's an heirs with those psychopathic tendencies his father loves to go on about.

[A]

I have to hear about psychopaths anymore. Honestly. Do you know what? There's loads of them, though. There is loads of them.

[B]

No, there is loads of them. Now. I can't compete with Kim Kardashian.

[A]

Neither can like. I mean, it's pinnacle of my career. I'm just giving up after this.

[B]

It's a highlight. Yeah, that's.

[A]

There's nothing left.

[B]

There's nothing left. You've earned a year of a good long nap after that.

[A]

Now listen, it's the best day of my life. Including when my. I gave birth to my children.

[B]

Oh, my God. Hasn't even happened yet. I'm so excited.

[A]

I can't wait to tell you.

[B]

Oh, my God, we can't wait for the scoop. I was set, Joe. You were. You were off taking your imaginary phone call, but I was saying to Vogue that she needs to be chill with Kim and not like Bott. Just be like, be chill.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sure that'll be really easy for her to. Achie, shush.

[A]

I'm ignoring. We've decided I'll just ignore her completely.

[B]

You just burn her.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Come to you.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even when I sidestep her and go to like, Glenn Close or something. Yeah, Glenn. I know she was Corella.

[C]

Trust. Trust you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Call her Chloe or something. Really? With her head.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Kim, it's lovely to meet you. Was waiting for Chris.

[B]

Well, I'm on tour at the moment, as you know, because I haven't stopped talking about. Oh, by the way, as we're talking about the Apollo, I do wanna. I do want to say here as. Because I. I have added two extra Apollos February 5th and 6th. Just. I feel I should be allowed to use this As a platform to plug.

[A]

Those Apollos, I'm not gonna lie, I'm probably gonna go to both. Good. It was at least one of them.

[B]

Thank you, Joe. Bring the dog.

[A]

At least one.

[B]

I'd like a proof of life because I think you're full of. Bring him out on stage. So anyway, something fantastic happened to me recently on Twerp. So I was gigging in York and then came off stage after and I heard through the grapevine there was a man removed from the stalls for having a go of himself.

[A]

I saw, I saw the video.

[B]

I sent both. I said, I have, I have footage.

[A]

Oh, it's.

[B]

Now, obviously I was thrilled because as we know, I am quite hostile. Like, I'm, you know, we've always said the job, the shows are a little bit of a block and I find it does stand in the way of me. Romantic. Exactly. So when I heard he was having a go of himself, I was like, still got it, etc. Etc. I was like, oh, my God, what is it? Is it like. Is it like. What are the levels here? Is he hot? Is he single? Is he wearing a ring? Blah, blah. Then one of the girls he's wanking in public.

[A]

Why would you care if he's got. If he's hot or not?

[B]

Vogue? Do you know how hard it is for me trying to meet man in this industry?

[A]

Is he wearing a ring?

[C]

Is he eligible? Yeah.

[B]

What's he working? What's he doing? Is he booked and busy? Has he got kids? Is he co parenting? What's his vibe?

[A]

Does he flash on the side?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What was he wearing? He's wearing a waistcoat. Quite demure. I was like, was you not sure?

[A]

They're like, no.

[B]

I was like, okay, okay. So there I was, trying to get to the bottom of my new relationship. And then one of the. One of the women who was at the show messaged me going, there was a lad removed from the stores for wank up. I said, I heard humble brag, blushy emoji. And she said, sake peace sign. And I said, she said, we have a video. And I said, send to me stat. So I'd heard his girlfriend was with him. I was hearing differing stories. So then she sent me the video and Vogue has seen it. It was. It wasn't as complimentary as I thought it was going to be. It was a lit. It was more.

[A]

It was.

[B]

He looked like he was asleep. He looked. I thought he was kind of risking a danger wank because he couldn't control himself at my physical comedy. And My glutes and my daughter tones. But it was more like he was bored and passed out and then was just kind of self soothing. Like. Like a. Kind of like the way I suck my thumb when I'm tired. It was more. He was just kind of rubbing. It was a rubbing.

[A]

It was a rub.

[B]

Keep it going for later. It felt like maybe he had a date later on. He was trying to keep it lit. It's cold outside kind of jump.

[A]

I feel like he wanted to have like a halfy so he looked like he had. He was packing. You know.

[B]

It sounded like maybe he had a plan for later on. It sounded like it wasn't really about me. And then he was asked to was that he was removed and he just went. Which I thought was also insulting. I was like you could fight for me. You know, Fight. I'm still on stage. You haven't finished. You're not even hard Jesse. You know, that's a little lazy. So what started as a. As a giant compliment became quite insulting at the end. Ipso facto I was disappointed by a man at my own show.

[A]

I think it would be the most embarrassing thing in the world to get thrown out for doing something like that. Like you just don't want to be the creep. And that's the creep. Well, can't be the creep.

[B]

I sat in my DMs waiting to hear from this man and nothing. Nothing.

[A]

Well I'll tell you what.

[B]

He's intimidated.

[A]

I nearly fell out of bed the other day. A man, quite a good looking man DMed me off the back of Juwan's show and said hook a brother up. I nearly fell out of the bed. I was like, did he watch the show or is he reposted from someone else? No no, no. He had taken the picture himself.

[B]

Me and vibrant. I actually said to vote. Did he stay till the end? We could not figure out why he was asking to meet me.

[A]

I just feel amazing.

[B]

I you about me.

[A]

I'm telling you.

[C]

Not trying to be awful but we absolutely 100 sure he meant you and not Garode.

[A]

100 Joe.

[B]

When your mom stalls. Me and Garod were holding hands going who was on? Who was on? Who was on? Yeah, who was it for?

[A]

Grow did have that sparkly vest on. And I saw a nipple. I saw a nipple.

[B]

He's got the nips out. Yeah he does. He's a garro. In fairness he's got a Leicester Square theater shout to plug. So he's. You should go like he's fucking savage.

[A]

He was very Funny. Oh, my God.

[B]

We should go to that together as a team night out.

[A]

We will. We've been going on about this team night out for ages, guys. I'm going to be pregnant on my fifth child by the time we get through this.

[B]

Obviously, I can't go to Gro's show. I can't listen to his material anymore. I've heard it too much. But you guys should go. You go, you go. Have a good time.

[A]

Very exciting. When Joanne's going to bring something up, you're like, oh, are we going to be able to keep this or no?

[B]

Oh, we'll keep this.

[A]

Did you know I'm a tech genius now? Did Joe tell you? Not only have I set up my new phone alone, did the whole thing on my own. Took seven hours, by the way, this of things just transfer over. Like, that doesn't happen. Seven hours, Joe. That took. I had to leave it overnight. And then Joe forced me to buy a new laptop because he doesn't care about money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. Yeah. And I got a new laptop. Left it sitting there for two weeks. I wasn't seeing you losers for two weeks. And then I was setting it up last night. Five hours. So all this bullshit about Apple saying, yeah, it just. It just transfers over. No, it doesn't.

[B]

It's a nightmare.

[A]

Between five to seven hours, when I.

[B]

Get a new phone, I have to cut family and friends out of my life because I'm like, you don't exist to me anymore. I can't transfer your number over. I don't know how to contact you anymore. Goodbye and good luck. Good luck on your journey. I hope I've been to you at a family funeral at some stage.

[A]

I did the whole thing and I'm considering getting a job in Apple on the side because I couldn't believe how good I was at it. We did. I had a meltdown this morning.

[C]

Call me and have a breakdown. Five minutes.

[A]

That was about the email. That was about the email because I don't know my password.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's impossible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was on to Lauren the other day. I was like, how can I access my Dropbox? She was like, with your email and password. And I was like, what's my email and password? Because I've different ones.

[A]

Yes. And it's always like, oh, there's a security leak on this. I'm like, oh, yeah, just take it.

[B]

It's like, take. Oh, your password has appeared. A security leak.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Send it to me. What is it? I'd like to see it, please.

[A]

Yeah, I just get on to Neil Wilson. I'm like, neil wasn't. If I need my birth certificate, Neil Wilson, if I need anything, he's got my marriage shirts, both of them showing off.

[B]

Do you have a dad? Frankly.

[A]

Well, you want to talk to. You want to talk to Pat. Sandra sorted out the background.

[B]

I know it's like pass travel stepdad in there in the last. The last hurrah. She doesn't seem up for it. So. Did you read the story about the young Scottish girl who faked a pregnancy and a baby?

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, only because you sent it to me, weirdo.

[B]

It's everywhere and it's right up our alley.

[A]

It's pretty bizarre.

[B]

A woman tricked her boyfriend and her own family into believing she was pregnant, held a gender reveal party, which is probably the maddest thing about the whole thing. And then a percent pretended to have given birth to Bonnie Lee earlier this month. But days later, when people start asking questions about the fact that they're like, the baby hasn't moved or the baby looks a bit cold, she's like, oh, it's dead.

[A]

Oh, did you see it, Joe? Are you Googling it?

[C]

No, I'm hearing this for the first time.

[B]

It's like Google. It's like an AliExpress doll. It's like, no, it does.

[A]

That was a decent looking dog.

[B]

It was. But at what point? Like, imagine that thing going to college. They're like, I don't want to talk about the fact that. I don't, I don't. You don't accuse a child of having developmental issues. But, you know, how can it start a job in marketing? It hasn't grown, it's still three months out. You know, at what point was she going to be like, this isn't. There was no long term strategy here.

[A]

You know, I feel like she has got, obviously got some serious problems there. But those dolls, I mean, it was an accident waiting to happen because I was in Heathrow airport once and there was a child. She couldn't have been more than dragging around one of those dolls and she banged its head off the side of a thing. And I was like, what? And then the dad. Yeah, and then the dad was like, oh, no, that's a doll, it's not a real baby. But it, honestly, it. It was so lifelike, I actually thought, first of all, I was like, is that baby dead? And then she banged its head and I was like, oh, God, it didn't move. And then the dad was like, it's not a Real baby. I swear to God. This was. This is about six months ago. It was actually a friend of mine's cousin. In the end he was like, I know, blah, blah, blah.

[B]

Was she in training?

[A]

No, I used to go around with a dolly all the time. I used to have a baby born. Sophie. They were all called Sophie. A new Sophie. It was just a dolly that she was bringing out. But it was so. Like that one in Glasgow. So lifelike. That was like. Well, it could pass.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, she got away with it for a little bit, but I think the conversation about the child not hitting its milestones was going to come down the road. So I guess she was always planning on kind of unaliving it out of her life. I don't know. Having a gender reveal party for a baby that doesn't exist, that's like having an Easter egg hunt with no Easter eggs at the end. It's so cr. Cool and mean. I don't even want. I don't even know the gender. Plus gender isn't even a thing anymore. Folk. I don't even know the gender of your kids. Who cares?

[A]

Listen, she was just watching a party. She's looking for a bit of attention and that does sound like something I would have done back in the day. I used to grab a plasters on my head and no cost.

[B]

Yeah, it's an Instagram pregnancy. She's gotten locked into the kind of the attention that comes with the net. But I was delighted to know because sometimes you look at relationships and you're like, oh God, they're obviously having loads of sex. It was nice for me to know that a woman in a relationship got away with a nine month fake pregnancy. Because no one's riding. That was nice for me to know. You know, even in relationships, no one's riding. That was. That was encouraging for me to know.

[A]

She was. Sorry she was in the relationship the whole time and he didn't even know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm sure he wasn't in on it. No. Oh my God. Weird.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you this.

[A]

How do you come back from that?

[B]

You can't God love her. I think she's gone into hiding. So everyone's going mad about the fake baby. The main reason being because everyone bought her presents. So someone bought her a boogie for a grand. Someone gave her £500. Someone get. Yeah, loads of people gave her money because she was pregnant. But I know that knowing that this could happen, I am no longer going to give any babies presents and vogue your next pregnancy if you get pregnant again. I'm going to be your gender reveal party. You're going to bring a pair of stirrups and an ultrasound machine and be like, unless I see. Hop into the stirrups. Vo. Unless I see proof that there's a baby in there, you're not getting anything. And don't. And do not come back now and say, I don't give your kids presents. I do. Just never around occasions. I just sporadically give them.

[A]

Only. Only real ones. Well, I'll tell you what, Joanne, I'll be. I'm really excited that you've said you're going to throw a gender reveal party, because I am. I've only ever had one baby shower and I don't know if you've noticed, but there's actually three children that live in this house, so I'm owed to.

[B]

I'm happy to throw you one if you're happy to get into the stirrups for proof.

[A]

I would love to get them, babe. I'd love to get.

[B]

Yeah, I'll wear the tracksuit.

[A]

She's lured you in.

[C]

See how she did it.

[A]

I don't wash it.

[B]

She always gets what she wants in the end. She always gets what she wants in the end.

[A]

I feel like a creep.

[B]

Imagine trying to get her into school. They're like, we can't really take her on account of her being wooden. Maybe try the skill down the road.

[A]

Sorry. This is the Catholic school, actually, and you have not been practicing at our church. You can't come in.

[B]

She's wouldn't. We've spoken to the department and after some consideration, we cannot enroll your child on the fact that she's plastic. But thank you for your interest.

[A]

Thanks for considering us. Yeah. I bet you could get her into a private school, though. Yeah, we'll take anyone.

[B]

She's gone to Eaton. Oh, she goes to Mallory Towers. Is that a real skill or a fake one?

[A]

Mallory Towers. Where's that?

[B]

The books. They were the books about the boarding school. Do you remember. Remember the books about the. And everyone wants to go to boarding school because they read Mallory Towers. Joe.

[C]

Yeah. I think that it looks like it's fictional. I think.

[B]

Oh, ground. Fine, fine, fine. I've done that thing where I've confused the world with fantasy. So I didn't go to Mary's. Is that what you're saying?

[A]

You. You've never been.

[C]

I know I should say probably I.

[B]

Should take it off my cv.

[A]

Then you went to Loretto. Fox Rock, my friend. Oh, Loretta Dorwalki.

[B]

Sorry, sorry.

[A]

Oh, My goodness. Because I'm meeting Kim, obviously. Like, I have loads of skims anyway. Not just saying that I have loads of skims. Do you?

[B]

I've no skims. I've no skins.

[A]

Oh, they're so soft. They are soft. They're not cheap either, though. I paid 20 quid for a pair of knickers, but they're the com most comfortable knickers ever. Anyway, so I bought new skims for the occasion and I bought the Nike skims, which I'm wearing now just to show you that I'm not lying. Nik skims. Because I want to show her that I like her so much. Yeah, Yeah. I want to show her my knickers.

[B]

This is the opposite of what we said about playing a kill.

[A]

I just want to show her my knickers. She's a knicker girl. Okay. And then I spotted the new pube knickers and I thought they would be much more appropriate.

[B]

I'm assuming it's a pure stone. So again, I'll give context. Joe.

[A]

So I don't. I actually, on purpose, don't give context because I know that you're gonna do it for me.

[C]

We have a dynamic now.

[A]

I just think that. Yeah, I read the emails, Joanne. Okay.

[B]

You do the content and I explained topics. Yeah.

[C]

We have our roles.

[A]

I kind of just assume that everyone's in my room so that they know. They're like, oh, yeah, I know what you're talking. Which one?

[B]

Kim has brought out a line of merkins.

[A]

Is that what she's calling them? Merkins?

[B]

Pube knickers. Well, that's what they're called, merkins.

[A]

The word pube is so awful.

[B]

The term merkin is likely a blend of the old world. Malkin, a derogatory term for a lower class woman, and marikin, a diminutive of the name Mary. According to the online Etymology a Directionary Science.

[A]

I still don't know what that means. Was that the explanation dictionary and Wikipedia.

[B]

Earliest of the word which appears in 1617 was likely associated with the lower class classes. Wow. What's happening?

[A]

I do the reading. I do the reading, remember? Reader explainer.

[B]

Do you know what I was the other day I was trying to write down spaghetti Bolognese, and when I say.

[A]

It took me.

[B]

And I was like, because you don't write as much now anymore. Your spelling does suffer, doesn't it?

[C]

Well, because if you gave me 10.

[A]

Yeah, you have to.

[B]

And spaghetti's tough enough as well.

[A]

Yeah, it is spaghetti jewelry. So I call it all jewels. I'm Like Jimmy Jewels.

[B]

Jewelry's heart. Yeah. I still got dessert and desert. I'm still a victim of that Broccoli.

[A]

Well, I'm a hard one, guys. It's like I'm back in school.

[B]

I've never struggled.

[A]

Broccoli. For God's sake, Joe spelled car.

[B]

How dare you? I'm highly educated. Now I'm offering my book, the cat in the mat for the afternoon. Do not interrupt me, please. It'll take me all day.

[A]

You could say we missed each other.

[B]

We did miss each other, didn't we?

[A]

We did.

[B]

Did we miss.

[A]

No. I realized, well, we probably missed Joe, but we've seen each other, so.

[B]

We have. Yeah, we have.

[A]

I'm back at school, though, because the kids. So, like, I'm relearning with them for their homework. I can do Gigi's homework. All right. It's tease. I'm struggling with a bit. The maths.

[B]

Now, I'd find them the other day. I saw a meme the other day, and it was like, we don't talk enough about the trauma of a parent sitting late into the night with their child trying to teach the maths. And when I say, my father, God rest his cell, I'd say, I took years off that man. I'd say, he could have lived another 10 if he hadn't had to try and teach me math. I On into the late. Into the everything. The house was dark. Everyone was asleep, and there was just, like, one light over the kitchen table.

[A]

It's just you crying.

[B]

It's like Guantanamo Bay.

[A]

Every. Everybody on that. Neil used to take me back to basics. So, like, if I couldn't do, like, one sum of something, I remember he sat me down and made me go through all the times tables for about three hours until I learned them all perfectly. And then I was allowed to go back and do the one song I.

[B]

Was like, does that.

[A]

Neil, you don't do it like that over here.

[B]

It's hell. It's just hell. Anyway, the American.

[A]

Yeah, the American. Whatever that might be. Yeah, yeah. So I was planning on wearing. So should I wear it? Well, I don't know, but should I wear it over my suit or under my suit or under my suit with the zip open.

[B]

Good question.

[A]

Over the suits.

[B]

Good question. I'm gonna say over. Get it out of the way.

[A]

Virgo. Full. Full out there.

[B]

Establish. Establish yourself early on that you're insane. I think that's the way to go.

[A]

Approachable. I would be approachable. Yeah.

[B]

And then kind of start fiddling with it. Gently as she speaks.

[A]

Can I also say if pubes are bad, maybe braids do. Stop.

[B]

I got.

[A]

What do we. What are we going to do? We'll have to. You and I will have to go to Turkey. What the hell? I never really saw that turnaround coming.

[B]

I laid everything off because they told me hair on women was disgusting. And I believed them. And I didn't know. I did not foresee the trend coming back. This is what this is. This is the important message. Everything comes back into fashion eventually.

[A]

It does, but I just didn't foresee pubes coming back. Honestly, I really did not.

[B]

No one did. No one saw it coming. No one saw it coming. And now it's like, we're all going to be off to Turkey to get turkey teeth and a decent amount of pubic hair. I used to do it in stand up that I'm so bad at making arrangements. I'll come back with teeth in my vagina. I'll get confused and end up getting veneers in my vagina. Yeah. Just to add to my words, that's.

[A]

Really gonna have them running edge.

[B]

One snapping at them.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

Is there anything more terrifying than the image of teeth in a vagina? Like, you know, that's when I'm flossing.

[A]

Oh, God. Well, on that note, thank you.

[B]

Are you finishing up for. On behalf of us all again, Vogue?

[C]

Yeah, Vogue's calling it. That's it.

[A]

I thought it was a great. Yeah, it's not masturbating, it's flossing. There's no better out. I wouldn't care if we were at nine minutes. That would be the house. We can't go anywhere.

[B]

She's too excited about meeting Kim. She doesn't care about us anymore. Joe.

[A]

We're still bringing it up. I'm gonna sweat. Yeah. You guys are meaningless to me now.

[B]

Is it. What's the crack? Is it like, are we gonna see content early on? Is it a secret? Are you signing NDAs?

[A]

Well, I'm not allowed to say anything about anything until I think when the show comes out, which is the 4th of November, I think there's. I think they're releasing four apps and then they released weekly. They suck you in with the three and. But also I got sent previews of the Kardashians. So you can only imagine how the new Kardashians. How happy I've been this week. It's really happy. I. I actually haven't been happy at all because of my birthday party. I've been in. In the deepest, darkest Hole. Because I'm not able to Dr. Drink and I won't have it anymore. Everyone's making me drink all the time. It's not good for my mental health.

[B]

And that's the new line. And as we and Joe said, it's not good for our mental health to listening to you talk about your mental health. So we're, we're in full favor of you giving up the biz.

[A]

There's been a lot of, a lot of tears and I, and I decided then on Sunday I was like, that's it. And if anyone says to me, oh, go on, have a drink, I'll say, do you know what? No. Because it's really bad for my mental health. I'm pulling out the mental health card because. Because it's true.

[B]

Yeah, go full Gen Z on it. I agree. Develop an allergy, go hard.

[A]

That's absolutely it. That's absolutely it. I'm allergic to it and it's bad for my mental health. You can't really argue with any of this.

[B]

You're raising awareness for wellness.

[A]

Thank you so much everyone for listening. That was. My therapist ghosted me. And remember, always floss.

[B]

Oh, always, always floss. Whatever that means to you. Speaking of which, Joe, do you not have a lot of sex toys that were sent in by a PR company that are still in your locker?

[C]

That. I have two sets of sex toys now. So I have one bag and then I have another whole bag.

[B]

I have two bags and they sent me in as, as what's it called? Lubricant. That cost £70 allegedly.

[C]

So I'll be using that as it forensically.

[B]

I'll be using that as a body cream, as an under eye cream. Cuz I'm not wasting that on a ride here.

[A]

Maybe I'll have a couple of sex toys actually. You don't need them all, Joan. Come on. There's like 17 there now.

[B]

You don't need a sex toy. You have a husband.

[A]

Yeah, he's a sex toy. I do actually. Well, sometimes you want to do it on your own, don't you? This has been a global player, original production.