B (2:07)

October 2nd.

C (2:08)

October 9th. You're in Chester.

A (2:10)

Oh, let's not go down this rabbit hole. They've got Google.

B (2:16)

Do you know what I mean?

A (2:17)

I'm in Oxford.

B (2:17)

Oh, my God. This is where I go back to. I actually. You'll never get so much web traffic from me on Joanne McNally dot com. I'm like, where is she? I forgot about this. This was like the last time you were doing. I was like, where is she Always Joe, I don't know why you're laughing. You're gonna be up the walls.

C (2:36)

Who visits that site the most during records, before recording, after records, a lot.

B (2:41)

Of the time just to see what should be tomorrow. Chip me, please check her Internet connection in the hotel. Someone help us. God.

A (2:50)

We should. Do you know what the three of us should do? We've never done. We should put each other and find our friends. Would sweet.

B (2:56)

No.

A (2:58)

Would that be cute?

B (2:59)

I will if you want. I'd love to tag you, Joanne.

A (3:03)

I'd love to watch you running around as I rod away in my office.

B (3:08)

I'd absolutely love to have you on, but. Come on, Joanne, let's do it. I'm just worried about you. I'm just. I want to keep an eye on you.

A (3:15)

We're like the Three Bears. You move too much Vogue. I move too little. And Joe's kind of in the middle somewhere. Yeah, that's what it is.

B (3:25)

I think we've spoken about the Three Bears before and it really makes sense.

A (3:29)

Her chip is broken. Cause it's just frantic moving up and down like she just ran to Liverpool this morning. What is her fucking deal? Whereas Joe's just kind of doing his bits and bobs, going about his business. And then I look like I'm dead. You'll be sending the medics and my mother to the flat. Like she hasn't moved. She hasn't even turned in the bed in three days.

B (3:50)

Someone's go and do the bed sores.

A (3:52)

Thank you, folks. Someone do the bed sores, please.

B (3:56)

I went. I was. So I was put back in my box. I thought, I've been getting really good at running. I was running with my friend who was 27 weeks pregnant now she is an amazing runner and I was just still behind her. A woman who's 27 weeks pregnant, really, it's gonna have to stop running soon. And I was like, right, that's me. Start again. I still haven't improved.

A (4:17)

Yeah, but there's pace and stuff, you know. Like I watch people from my window exercising just so I can, you know, lap it up. I like to say, I like to paddle, but I do. I don't. I watch and someone, they run like they're on air. Like, I can't. They Just make it look so easy. And it's really inspiring to watch. And then you get out there and it's really hard.

B (4:37)

It's really sorry. And sorry I get out there, first of all, and if I. If I'm running with span or something, I'm like, listen to how hard they're stomping their feet. Like, I'm some. Like, I'm Linford Christie. And then I go out, my mate, he's, like, about to give birth, and I just drag along behind. I was like, we can probably walk. We walk for this bit.

A (4:53)

Johanna, she's probably very, you know, established and experienced. Run with me. Vogue. You'll feel like Usain Bolt. No, I remember when I say romance, I'll just have Joe pushing, pushing the bed alongside you two. Lots of Battersea bark. Joe behind the bed, head just, like, wheeling me along.

B (5:15)

Faster, faster.

A (5:16)

We're losing.

B (5:16)

Yeah, push me back.

A (5:17)

I need water. Jump. I'm so thirsty.

B (5:22)

Do you not remember the time? That time we ran together in Battersea park and we'd gone out to do the run. We hadn't even gotten to that, like, pagoda thing, and you had stopped about three times and you're like, yeah, I don't want to run with you anymore. I'm going this way. And I was like, oh, the run's over.

A (5:36)

Yeah. I was like, you just run along there because I can't. Firstly, like, the fact you chat and run is terrifying. I don't know.

B (5:43)

You thought you were putting your headphones in when I was going. We were having. We're on a date.

A (5:49)

Sure. You do that. With my ex when we were on holidays.

B (5:52)

That's fair enough, though. I would have, too.

A (5:56)

One of my exes, I used to make him walk ahead so that I could put my AirPods in and listen to podcasts. Isn't that terrible? I'd be like, I'll give you a head start. Like, I don't want one. I was like, no, no, you're having one. Just have a head start. And I meet you at the restaurant, which is an hour walk from here. I just want to listen to my podcasts.

B (6:13)

Yeah, well, I can't go to the restaurant. And she'd order her wine and then put the headphones back in.

A (6:18)

Yeah, yeah.

B (6:19)

You're not talking.

A (6:20)

I got him a coloring book. I'm like, I've got you a coloring book. You doodle away there. Mommy's gonna read the papers. Holidays are.

B (6:29)

Are.

A (6:29)

Are. Holidays are testing for most relationships. Friendships, parental relationships, romantic relationships. You know, it's a Lot of time with one person. But, yeah, I mean, you shouldn't really be sending them off with a head start. But there you go, look, love is love and life is life.

B (6:45)

You would find it desperate to be on holidays with me because you wouldn't. And I. I'd struggle with you because you try and ignore me all the time, but I would be like a dog, like hump, just trying to get your attention.

A (6:56)

You just. You just. You're never. Yeah, off as such.

B (7:01)

I love having the chats. Oh, I am off at about half seven.

A (7:04)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. I'd be putting you down early.

B (7:08)

Half six, bedtime for you.

A (7:10)

You didn't have today, folk. Yeah. And you missed your nap now. I really fel. It's been all day, folk. It's been all day.

B (7:21)

Have a bucket of carrot sticks and shut up.

A (7:25)

Folk. You need a bit of screen time, love. Bit of screen time. Bit of Peppa Pig. It's whatever you're used to. Some people are just really big chatters. Like I was doing the. When we were filming that Derma banner thing that we were talking about the other day, like, we. I had the. Obviously hair and makeup started about half seven and then you're chatting. I was chatting with Liv, obviously, in the morning, then chatting all day, like doing the. Like the filming and then chatting with the crew. And we weren't filming, you know, and by the end of the day, I was like, I. My. To use the term. To. To use the zeitgeist term. My social battery was dead.

B (8:01)

Even mine was. After that long day, mine was gone. I had people come and dropping stuff up for the party and I was like, oh, can you just. Can you just leave it in private?

A (8:10)

Yeah, you do. Even. You vogue do run out eventually.

B (8:13)

Yeah, I do. I do stop talking after a while. But then.

A (8:17)

And we need to recharge.

B (8:18)

They're like, yeah, what's wrong with you? Like, cheer up. I'm like, I'm fine. Just leave me alone.

A (8:24)

Yeah, Look, I've just stopped talking for three minutes.

B (8:27)

Yeah, yeah, no, it's a great gift. I'm still here.

A (8:29)

It's a great gift. Any other news?

B (8:32)

Well, the house is back to normal. Everything's cleared up. They took the glasses. I tried you on.

A (8:38)

Those pricks.

B (8:39)

They took them. I only kept three, but I know that. I have no idea.

A (8:44)

I have no idea what you're talking about, to be honest.

B (8:49)

I love them so much.

C (8:50)

Ten of them, you'd love them.

B (8:52)

I actually. There was a. There was a photographer up. I was like, Get a picture of those cups, will you? We have an email back from the five year ghoster. So the woman who got ghosted after being with somebody for five years didn't really give us the whole story. She's been back in touch.

A (9:13)

She's finally. She's seen our back. Call Leicester Square. Dying for an update.

B (9:22)

Joe, Text us about it. And I was like, I could come on the pot early today if you can. Dying to do this.

A (9:28)

She's dying to do it. Yeah.

C (9:30)

Have you read it?

B (9:30)

Okay.

A (9:31)

No, no.

C (9:32)

First time seeing it. Okay.

B (9:33)

How to do it in real life. Irl. Okay. Ready? Okay.

A (9:37)

We can't act, Joe, remember? No, we can't act. We've established genuine here then.

B (9:43)

Okay. Dear Poke and Joanne, I'm back in touch after your request with a few more details around my ex of five and a half years who ghosted me. Some context. It happened in June. Oh my God. There's loads. It's a big email. It happened in June was a Friday night. I don't think you should dump anyone in the evening time cuz that really affects their sleep. I'd rather be dumped in the morning and allow myself to like deal with it and then possibly get a good night's sleep.

A (10:08)

Yeah, fair.

C (10:09)

That's the first issue.

B (10:10)

Yeah, yeah. We, we, we need to keep.

A (10:13)

Need to keep the flow of this because I'm. I really. As much as I love chatting about your sleep, I'd really love to hear about the email. Is that if that's okay.

B (10:23)

8 air was solid last night. Only woke up once I got out from work and expected him back within a couple of hours. The evening rolled on and I assumed he was out for drinks, which was fine, but I was a bit annoyed he hadn't mentioned it. Eventually I messaged. Messaged him. Why do I keep going into Sean Connery message?

A (10:40)

There's something. It feels like a Friday evening. There's a bit of a giddiness in the air. If I may.

C (10:45)

Actually a Tuesday afternoon.

A (10:47)

I know, yeah.

B (10:48)

Is it? Oh my God. I usually hate Tuesdays. I'm having the best Tuesday I've ever had.

A (10:52)

It's freelance life. No one knows if they're alive. What day of the week it is. Doesn't matter. Sorry folks. Now I've done it. Please continue.

B (11:01)

Eventually can you imagine what mine and Joanne's conversations are like when we actually go out with each other?

A (11:05)

Have we just done. Even Joe's now, rolling his tiny eyes.

B (11:10)

Eventually I messaged him. But notice messages only going to be one tick weird dead Battery, maybe? I called also. No, look, then I got worried, so I called his friend who said he didn't know anything. I called his folks and they said they hadn't heard from him. So. Yeah, I basically thought he died. No sleep that night. No sleep that night. And at 8am Saturday morning, his mother sent me a really short message. He's okay. I've spoken to him. What a. What a. I called her.

A (11:48)

The mother's. The mother's involved. Didn't I say this to you? Didn't I say this to you before? I said we spoke to someone else with this. Well, via this medium. And I said, the mothers, they'll always back their sons. At the end of the day, you think they're your friend when you're going out with their sons. They'll always back their sons.

B (12:04)

I just feel like I wouldn't. I wouldn't allow that. I'm sorry. I think there's a level of being sound to your son and then being like, cop the on and don't be a coward and deal with this like a man.

A (12:15)

Yeah, yeah, but they will. Publicly, they will always have their sons back. Not always. Most of the time. From my experience, always. Always with me.

B (12:23)

Okay. I called her for more but she didn't pick up. I've messaged her Lowe's and she's just been really cryptic and eventually she's cook contact. Well, like mother, like son.

A (12:35)

Two wankers.

B (12:37)

I worked out he wasn't coming back by Saturday night and then drowned myself in a bottle of fog. Oh, God. Never do this, girls. It's dangerous.

A (12:46)

Thistle milk after and you'll be fine. You can get it down in Holland. Embarrassed.

C (12:51)

Please drink responsibly. Do.

B (12:54)

Yeah, it depends if it was a 70cl or a liter as well. A 70cl? Course of a night isn't like.

A (13:00)

Why? Why are you blame the woman? You should be saying date responsibly. Date responsibly.

C (13:04)

I mean everyone. I don't mean this woman.

A (13:06)

No, you're victim. Blaming.

C (13:07)

No.

B (13:07)

Okay, come on. We're gonna get some good here. I've been waiting since 2 o'.

A (13:12)

Clock. Thistle milk. Go on, folk.

B (13:14)

Sure, but the hangover from a bottle of vodka on its own. And no food should be illegal in the time since his dad came round. Oh, God, another rsl. That whole family full of them. His dad came around and picked up a load of his stuff while I was at work.

A (13:27)

Oh, the dad's in on it too. It's a family affair.

B (13:33)

Oh, and I've had to cover the Rent on my own. I'm hopefully going to recover my money through small claims. Yes, the small claims court. But all contact is being completely ignored.

A (13:43)

We're going to court. Sorry, did I miss something here? The mother just said he's okay. She didn't say like. She just said he's okay.

B (13:50)

Yeah, I've spoken to him and then. And then just sent, like, very cryptic messages back and forth and then basically cut contact, but all contact has been completely ignored. Other than that. I know as much as you. The mad thing is that if I was hearing this being read out, I would think, I bet she's a nightmare. But, like, honestly, I'm not. I'm pretty normal. And if anything, I let a lot go. More than my friends would. Thanks for your advice on the pod. And don't worry if this is too long to read it. Oh, my God, she's so nice. Nobody deserve something like this. And even if you were a bit of an. You still don't deserve. You just don't. After five years, like, just.

A (14:36)

We don't. We. We don't let Mers listen to the podcast.

B (14:39)

Send me his address. Send me his address.

A (14:43)

She'll get the H massive on him.

B (14:45)

Send us his Instagram.

A (14:49)

We could ruin him.

B (14:52)

We will. What an RS Ho though. That is just. I actually think that that is just him.

A (15:00)

I'm just making some calls.

B (15:05)

You'd say you wouldn't, then you'd forget about it.

A (15:07)

Well, you know, we could certainly do. Yeah, I know. You're right. Okay. I'm not the best person to follow through. What we could do is completely block this man, but we won't because it's.

B (15:14)

Not our business and he is gonna block himself.

A (15:18)

So she should put him up, but. No, no, John, stop. She put him up on him. Are we dating the same lad? You know that thing where all the women.

B (15:24)

But.

A (15:24)

But I think some of the men are suing now and stuff. I think it's gone a bit.

C (15:29)

She's already taking him to court. She doesn't need him to take her to court as well.

B (15:33)

I would say definitely.

A (15:34)

Yeah.

B (15:35)

Bring him to the small claims court, though, because that little bit of justice will make you feel better. And he signed a contract to live in that house with you for a certain amount of time. He owes half that rent. And you get that money and you take yourself on holidays.

A (15:46)

Small claims for a small man.

B (15:48)

I bet you he gets his dick filled with filler.

A (15:51)

Yeah. Hung like a pigeon's foot, I'd say.

B (15:55)

Yeah. And I'd say he has bad breath as well.

A (15:58)

Halitosis.

B (16:02)

I'm bleeding gums as well, because.

A (16:05)

And corn. Corn. Corns. What do they call those lumps on your toes with school stuff?

B (16:12)

No. Let's go. Veruca's corns aren't as bad as fruit, are they?

A (16:15)

Not as fast.

B (16:16)

I think are worse. Yeah.

A (16:19)

Yeah, probably. He's probably got syphilis.

B (16:24)

I'd say super syphilis and super gonorrhea.

A (16:26)

That's what I'm just telling the plagues back. And it's coming for him right after.

B (16:30)

It knocks on Joanne's door. It's coming for him.

A (16:33)

Well, I want it for the. For the social status.

B (16:38)

And so you can stay in your house more. Can't go out.

A (16:43)

Hear you. Hear you once. I'm not ringing my bell. Ringing a bell outside, telling everyone to stay away. She's riddled. That is just absolutely awful. Like. And as well, when the family got involved, it's. It's extra hurtful because you do want the parents to see. But like I say, they'll always take the side of the child. But I had a similar situation with a man I once went out with who, because I wasn't communicating enough with him, he decided to drop off communication with me all day for a day and kind of suggest that he was dead, basically. And I did that as well. I contacted his mother and was like, is he okay? And she. She came back and said, I'm gonna go check. And then she never came back to me. And I was really, really. I was. I was genuinely checking, like, traffic accidents and stuff, and I was really worried. Then I tried to contact her again, and she never came back to me. And then when I eventually had it out with him, he had told her not to contact me, and she didn't.

B (17:36)

I mean, there's only so much that you can really, like, defend someone who's just doing something really wanky and they're actually defending him. Yeah, but you don't know what he said to him. To them.

A (17:45)

You don't know.

B (17:46)

You could have said complete.

A (17:47)

Exactly.

B (17:48)

To them. And they're like, well, she's awful when you're.

A (17:51)

Or they're like, yeah. Or they're like, we're not getting involved. But I. I do think if it was my son, I would. I would say, listen, FYI, he's grand. He's just trying to teach you some sort of weird lesson. I would. But that's me.

B (18:01)

Or.

A (18:02)

Yeah, but we can't blame the mothers. It's this. It's the sons that are the problem. We can't be bringing the mothers into this now.

B (18:08)

God, he's desperate. Yuck. You're. You're well rid of him. Which I know you don't want to hear right now, but in a while you'll think to yourself, thank God I ditched him.

A (18:17)

I always think, though, and I, like, maybe, you know, obviously I'm a comic, so it's different. But I always think, great story, though. Like, come on, that's a great story.

B (18:24)

Sharing it.

A (18:25)

And thank you for sharing it with.

B (18:27)

Us, and I hope that you start to feel a little bit better and drink is not the answer. It will just make you more anxious. It will. It just makes you more anxious. It's fine for a little while, but it will just, like, make you more anxious when you're going through something like that.

A (18:38)

Tastle milk. You'll be grand.

B (18:40)

When I tried to do that with a break of just go in the piss for ages, and then just everything came crashing down, I was like, oh, no, that wasn't a good idea.

A (18:47)

Yeah. When you're. When you're in a sad place, you don't care about your tomorrow self or your future self. You only just care about the now and the numbing and stuff. And you're like, I'm not dealing with the other thing. Kiss on it.

C (18:55)

Try and keep drinking as a happy thing. Drink when you're cheery rather than.

A (18:59)

Yeah, that's not really how drinking works, Joe.

C (19:01)

I know. I'm aware. I sort of realized it as I said.

A (19:04)

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? We're not the Care Bears. Only they drink. Yeah. Banana. It is a great story, but, like, I've had those breakups where you're like, every time I open my eyes, I was like, oh, my God, I need to be.

B (19:19)

I want to sleep again. Yeah, it does. That does happen. But, like, I find that when I've had relationships break up, where you do feel like that and you honestly wake up and you're like, God, why couldn't I be asleep for longer? And obviously you can only sleep for a certain amount of time a day. And I suppose in a way you would rather just not exist because it's such an awful feeling. But I find that level of. It lasts about three weeks, and then you kind of. I would come out of the dark a little bit then where, like, obviously you still feel horrendous, but, like, you can manage the day.

A (19:48)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

B (19:50)

To yourself.

A (19:50)

Yeah. There's no way. There's no way around. It only thrills. But this woman's. To be fairness. It kind of sounds like she's. She knows how ridiculous it is, which I think is the main thing. She's not saying, like, you know that that's such. It's such a barbaric way. It's such a terrible way to behave and an awful way to end a relationship. There's no way of looking at that and not thinking, that lad's got serious problems.

B (20:15)

Yeah.

A (20:17)

And that's all you need to move forward, to help move forward, to take the power back, to know that you've done everything. Your side of the street is clean. You've done everything by the book. You've done everything right as far as.

B (20:26)

You could do it.

A (20:27)

He has to live with that behavior now and like Scarlet for him. And you, you are in his DNA now as some. A big mistake. Like something terrible he has done.

B (20:38)

Yeah.

A (20:39)

And you get to move on and be like, I am the better per. I won this round.

B (20:43)

Yeah. He'll never be happy.

A (20:46)

And then it'd be met by the final boss. Is he still around?

B (20:50)

Who? Bruce Springsteen?

A (20:51)

No, the final boss. If she's won that round, that's the last round of the game. What was your man named? Final Final boss. I beat the final boss to hibernate.

B (20:59)

For the autumn I beau beach next year.

A (21:03)

Did you see Bonnie Blue flirting with them? My God, that woman has the game of a B. Sorry.

B (21:09)

Stop trying to get her back in.

A (21:16)

That's it for this week. Keep sending your emails. We love them. We really do. Hello@mtgmpod.com send them into us, please. The weirder the better.