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A
This is a Global Player original podcast. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And I forgot the rest of the words. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Lewis.
B
Merry Christmas. It's Christmas. Oh, I love you, cubs. I wish we had a bit of mistletoe. Am I right? Am I right?
A
You know you just did the.
B
It's Christmas. Yeah.
A
My dad hates Noddy Holder.
B
Why? Tim will not allow that.
A
That music, that track to be. You know we've got the Christmas music channels on, obviously.
B
Top five. What we talking? Top five? What we talking? Top five.
A
Oh, top five Christmas songs. Oh, that one. Do you like that one? What about the Pogues?
B
Oh, number one. Number one, even. Even with the homophobic slurp, which. They don't mean it. They don't mean it. Isn't it when you like something, they don't mean it. They don't mean it. But what I. And also, I love Falith Navidad.
A
Oh, that is. That is a new entry.
B
And you know what else I like? Bony M In the Town Of Bethlehem. Yeah, that one.
A
Feliz Navidad. I thought that was quite a new song, but it's not. No, I think it's because Old what's His Face did a. Did he not do a remix? What's his name? Bieber.
B
Did Bieber do a remix? Oh, Bieber's got some good tunes, man. I love the beep.
A
I love the babe, Love the babes.
B
Love that. He's good. Obviously lost the plot and he's horrible to his wife. But I love the babe.
C
Where do you guys stand on Christmas lyrics? Because Greg Lake, I believe in Father Christmas. You know that song?
B
No. What is that? I believe in Fun. No.
C
One of the lines in it is, the Christmas you get is the Christmas you deserve. That's quite strong.
B
That's a bit heavy. All right, mate?
C
All right, Auntie Debs. The Christmas you get, babes, it's the Christmas you deserve.
B
Yeah. Yeah. I love a little bit of rocky Robin rocking around the Christmas tree. And I love the Ronettes, where it's the sleigh ride. Yeah.
A
Driving home for Christmas oh, Chris.
B
Chris. Ria. Driving home for Christmas I had a. I put my own mix together for a Christmas album, right? And we were leaving my sister's house in East Midlands to drive back. She moved there. God knows why, but we were driving back for Christmas, right? And she is such a scatty man. We forgot. We forgot everything. So we went back three times and Chris Rear was the opening track. Driving home for Christmas. And then she's like, oh, I Forgot my case. Driving home for Christmas. Oh my God, the suitcase. Then we go back. Driving home for Christmas, I was like, we are never getting home. In the end, we just skipped the track. We had to skip Chris Ria because it was taking the piss out of us. Driving home.
A
I was going to ask if you just sacked off.
B
Sacked it off. Of course we sacked off.
A
Sacked off that track. It was bad. It was the cursed Christmas.
B
Track talk before your morning. What's the butcher saying? When are you allowed to open presents? What's going on?
A
Well, tradition. Stocking. Gotta open the stocking. Christmas breakfast always scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, fizz. What are you saying?
B
Usually I always have the boiled hams. We add the boiled hams, there'll be a little. Few rounds of ham, little sarnies going on. But we always wait.
C
Gammon in the morning.
B
No, but like thin slices. You have ham with eggs and like this. Right. Our producer.
A
This is my favorite.
C
The Christmas I get is the Christmas I deserve.
B
Yeah, well, the producer. The producer we get is the producer we deserve. Well, because my sister, my other sister's a pickler. She makes her own pick. She makes her own chili jam. We like pickles jam. But that look, breakfast is loose. It don't really matter when everyone arrives, that's when the little bellini, cream cheese, smoked salmon, little bit of caviar. Yeah, I've been to Fortnum Masons. Yeah, I'm. I'm bougie now. So we have all of that with the fizz and that's when we do the present giving.
A
Sounds godamn perfect. Magical.
B
Magical indeed. But we've done Secret Santa. But everyone's literally broke the codes of Secret Santa because literally everyone's bought everyone presents. Again, Secret Santa does not work in a family.
A
I was gonna say it doesn't. Because then you're like, oh, I could just get him a little bit. Oh, I just get him a little bit. A little bit more.
B
But I got told off by a mate. He literally. My mate does not understand it. Me and him doors, we don't get each other presents. What?
A
This is good. Yeah, we've. We've had to rein it in.
B
We just don't. Because we're not like that anyway. Because a. I do everything and buy everyone every and organize. He is the. He is that meme. He is the dad on Christmas day, as surprised as everyone else of what they've got. So in my head I'm like, your Christmas present is. I've done everything. And then, and then if he bought me a Christmas Present. I'd be like, why spending money on Christmas present? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. His birthday is five days after Christmas, so he goes to town on my birthday and I go to town on his birthday. So he, he, I. It's more. Because if I'm a bit like, oh, split Christmas, I just make a fuss on his birthday five days after Christmas. Do you know what I mean? But he, he's Mr. Like, make everything happen, does everything. We're a good team. We're not bothered. We're not. That we don't need. We don't need a special day, you know, we don't need a special day. We don't need it.
A
Do you know what it is as well? It's. It's like, where do you stop spending. Where do you stop spending if you don't. That Iman Dora actually said to me he didn't want to do presents this year. And I was like, just a little.
B
Just a little Canada for our epic trip where we spend all our MX points. I know, yeah, you want. But I like a little bit of sentiment and nice cards. Do you know what my big. Well, I'll talk about this for our Boxing Day special. That's our third day of Christmas. But one of the big things, because I do so much work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, I have a little routine unboxing day. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. But it is absolutely set in stone what I do on box day. Boxing Day is my day, I'm gonna tell you. But, yeah, Christmas Day's been fun. The kids gone potty. There's been a lot of Lego. There's a lot of fun. Monopoly. Oh, don't you know who's really good at Monopoly? Alfred's good at Monopoly.
A
He goes, I didn't think anyone was good at Monopoly. I thought it was just set up to beat each other up.
B
Listen, that boy is going to be rich. That. That's why I back him so much. That boy is. He is mental about Monopoly. He is like, he loves taking people's money. He just. I don't know what he does every time he wins. We're more a sort of Scrabble family with a cheese board.
A
Oh, it's all about the cheese board. The butch cheese board will be coming out this evening and I will stuff myself until I can't think anymore.
B
We are going to shit through the eye of a needle. Funny. At the risk of sounding like Alan Partridge favorite cheese bray. Really? Really? Come on. Oh, I love a Parmesan. You love a Parmesan.
A
Not on a cheese board, but just in general.
B
If we're talking cheese, yeah, we all love parmesan.
A
Let me try. Are you joking?
B
Top me up. I like a burrata. I like a burrata.
C
Happy Christmas. Here's your mozzarella. Here's your.
B
No, mozzarella is dead to me. Mozzarella is dead to me. Since barata come along, it's mugged that little. Little rubbery little in it. It's.
C
Can I ask on your cheese boards? Controversial. You haven't pickled onions. Cuz if you have too many onions, you don't want to be following in that bathroom after.
B
No, I'm ging.
A
Yep.
B
Farts.
A
Just accept that you're going to fart and you're going to sink all day.
B
Chili, chili, jam, chutneys. We're going mad. I like. Oh, yeah. I like a little wheat cracker. Oh, I love it.
A
We like a little. No ry vetas r have no place on a cheese board.
C
No. Go for a Jacobs. Jacobs.
B
I love a Jacobs. Or when you do a little sweet biscuit, like a little ho digestive with a crumbly do. Yes. I got crazy sometimes. I like cheese. I like cheesy fruitcake. Oh, yeah, right.
C
We should get some ad break now. On that note, killer conversation.
B
Yeah, I've made it go a bit cold.
C
Well, I was gonna say, you know, I had a great Christmas single out called Christmas Lights.
B
Christmas lights. We're giving the clues. Speaking of board games, what is our favorite viral moment coming up next? Maybe we'll do Char. Welcome back to shouldn't laugh, but 12 laughs of Christmas with Lauren Carmen, Christmas Day special.
A
Your two favorite Ho ho, ho ho.
B
Very good. Ho, ho ho. You, your mum, and your nanny.
A
Tell me what's. Tell me. Do the charade. Then I've got to guess this viral moment.
B
Okay, ready? Yep.
A
First word. One word.
B
One word, two syllables.
C
So far, the charades are going really great with Laura telling us everything.
B
First syllable. Butcher.
A
First syllable. First syllable. Gum. Cold. Cold.
B
Yeah.
A
Second. Second syllable.
B
Dance.
A
Jazz hands. Cold jazz hands.
B
Cold jazz hands. Cold jazz hands. Said no one ever.
A
Carmen, you know that Pete Gassick Hallmark film Cold Wiggles?
B
Cold plays Coldplay. You dumb bitch. I knew it.
A
All along. I was being silly.
B
Just a viral moment. Coldplay.
A
Oh, it's got to be the kiss Cam.
B
The Kiss Cam.
A
I can talk to you about it.
B
Oh, I should have just got some cold. I should have got some cold meat, a toy, a Rubik's cube and a mistletoe. Coldplay Kiss Cam. We love it. Coldplay. I think it's the viral moment of the year. I can't name a bigger one. I agree.
A
Can you name a bigger one? I agree. No, no. Do you know what? It was like some sort of news had happened. When I woke up, my phone, just notifications. I was like, what is going. It was like, Princess Diet died.
B
Oh, don't Rip. Why'd you bring. Sorry. It wasn't that big.
A
It bloody was.
B
Like Princess D had died. No, but people got fired, you know. Isn't it funny? We talked about Katy Perry yesterday and he worked for Astronomer. Coincidence? You just don't think so. Andy. Byron. Byron. Another rogue, actually. Yeah. Yeah, another rogue. If you know your romantic poets, which I do. Anyway, the point is, I don't think the cuddle and the kiss was the issue. The cuddle weren't the issue. It was their response after the cuddle that gave them away. If they just brazened it out, it could have been innocent. He threw that woman like a sack of of Santa's presence down a chimney. He threw her to the ground. And that's what gave us the knowledge that they were on naughtiness. Let's face it, they were having.
A
Do you know, I just think that it's proof that affairs can't fix you. They'll only make you yellow.
B
Oh, no.
A
Carmen.
B
Carmen, I don't want to break up with you on Christmas day Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day.
A
You can't. You can't save me when I'm doing beaker. I. I be. Cut that out. Because I knew how bad that was.
B
So bad.
C
How long you been sitting on that for?
B
He's been working on that since it happened. Since it happened?
A
Yes. I was gonna say. I can't. Did it happen in August? Because. Yeah, I was sitting on its live since July.
B
Yep.
A
I was sitting in my summer garden.
B
Now they've both quit their jobs. The wife has. I.
A
What?
B
I don't know. And I still haven't had it verified. The wife found out she's left him, she's got kids, all of that stuff. Then she released a statement. We still don't know if that statement's true, because it was pretty powerful.
A
There was a couple of statements that we didn't know were true, that someone wrote one as if he'd written it, and it was full of Coldplay puns. I thought it was real.
C
Is that you?
B
Yeah, you.
A
I just released it. I was like, guys, he's released a statement. But yeah, we don't know if they're real. Like, I know the one you're talking about. It's like, would she actually say anything?
B
Wasn't it? Yeah.
A
I wonder what their Christmas is like this year. Do you reckon people have got them, like, you know, you can personalize baubles. People have got the bauble of the kiss cam. Like, it was per. Do you know why it was perfect? It's like, don't do naughty things.
B
But, you know, so it's double perfect. The minute we knew they were like.
A
CEOs, that was the icing on the cake.
B
That was the icing on the cake. It's like the submarine that sunk. It was like, they're billionaires, so we can't help. The first rule of comedy is don't punch down the minute. You know it's a CEO. It was like. It was a feeding frenzy. It was. It was absolutely like carte blanche. It was like open day at the zoo. We could just do what we liked. I feel like I'm mixing metaphors here, but it just felt like because they were wealthy. It was fun.
A
It was so fun. It was so fun. The best bit as well was when mascots started doing it. Because, you know, we love mascots that shouldn't laugh. But when they were reenacting was just joyous. It was like the world came together.
B
Yes, the world came together. The world come together. There are victimless crimes and there are victimful crimes, and this was a victimful crime. But the victims were fun to make, to victimize. They were fun to be victims. But like I say, it was the throwing away that gave them away. Like. Like I said before, it was the. It was the human equivalent of sniffing your fingers. Because you don't need to know what happened before. If you're sniffing your fingers, something shit's happened before. So that's what they did. They sniffed their fingers. We knew they'd been fingering.
A
Are you not even sniffing your fingers after the cheese board? After particularly dusty crisps on the cheese board and you're like, oh, something stinks now.
B
Once you've had the Santa girl. Once you had the Santa girl, it don't matter. You look like you've been scratching your. If you've sniffed your fingers. So him throwing away, they could have just brazen it out and it wouldn't become a moment. It was the. It was. Do you know what? Do you know what it was a little bit like? Because the lighting was on them, which I like to call. I don't know. Whether I've told you about my theory. You know when you've had a night out and you look great, you've put the war paint on, you're out, you're dancing, you feel great, you're sweating your box, off you go. And then you get kebab shop syndrome, where you're on your way home, you go into the kebab shop, the light is so unforgiving that you catch yourself in the mirror and you go, oh, fuck. I thought I really nailed that smokey eye. I look like fucking shit. And that was it. The light was on them and they were full. Kebab shop syndrome in the whole. The whole world. That's what happened. Yeah.
C
It's one of those rare days the Internet wins. And it's what the Internet was created for. This last year, which we can't talk about because it's not in our 12 days. Gary Barlow's stupidly tall son. This year was where people started photoshopping other people in the kiss cams. You had Trump and Epstein, Cynthia and Ariana. We won't talk about that. Girls, we know you're scarred from last month. Yeah, like, the Internet won. And that's what this podcast, the Internet winning the day.
B
We're all united for a minute. We could just forget about our troubles. Trouble.
A
How would you feel if Chris Martin, like, the Chris Martin, discovered their affair?
B
He did.
A
I don't know if there's a worse person to discover an affair, like, because he's so worthy.
C
New song for the new album.
B
Yeah. He was on everyone's side. Do you know what I mean? He was on everyone's side. He was. He was.
A
That's what I mean. It's like.
B
Ah.
A
Felt bad. My mic. I got so excited about that, I just dropped my mic. Sorry, sorry, guys. Technical issue.
B
Mic drop. Mic drop. Anyway, I just think all of that. And remember, guys, we delight in all of these stupid, stupid little nuggets of things that just sustain. Sustain us. Because life's hard enough. So sometimes CEOs getting divorced and getting caught having affairs is just enough, like the office gossip that we all need to sustain us. But we want your gossip as well. Keep writing in. Keep listening. We want to. We're going to carry on in the new year with all our regular shows, but we want your stupid stories. And listen to this tweet us slide into our DMs, where as bored with our families as you are. Jesus. And we also want your Christmas drama. Was there a Secret Santa disaster? Was there a thong wrapped up for an old aunt instead of a Werther's original. Tell us. Oh, we love it. Did you find out your dad weren't really your dad? Yes. We want to know.
A
We need some Christmas drums.
B
Oh, we do. We need. We need a cultural Christmas. We need. Yeah. Did. Did you give someone your heart? And the very next day they gave it away?
A
RIP. George.
B
RIP. George, don't. Oh, my God. It's. He's. It's the 10th anniversary. No, no. Ninth anniversary today. Ninth, 2000.
C
Is it Christmas Day? I thought it was Boxing Day.
B
Is it Christmas Day?
A
It was Christmas Day last Christmas.
B
Oh, my God. This is George Michael Day.
C
He's got the Christmas number one.
B
Oh, has he got the Christmas number one?
C
Yeah.
B
Why?
C
I'm get it every year.
B
Do. I'm getting it every year now.
C
Yeah, of course. Passed away. And it's for a good cause. All the money goes to charity.
A
Rip.
B
Right, listen. We love you all. We hope that you, wherever you are, whoever you're with and however you've spent it is not the Christmas you deserve. We. We hope that 2026 is the year you deserve because we love you. And we love you for listening. And we love the fact that we get to do this for a living. Thank you so much. I love you, Carmen.
A
And all the Smiths and Taylors. Yeah, that made me quite. Christmas emotional. Christmas emotional.
B
Ramsay. I have emotion. Christmas, emotions. Friendship. Bosch. Done.
A
Bosch. I'm out. Bosch. Laura and carbon@global.com as well.
B
Yeah. We love you. Love you. Happy Christmas.
C
This has been a global player original production.
Episode: THE COLDPLAY KISS CAM SCANDAL! Day 2 of the 12 Laughs of Christmas – Shouldn't Laugh But... Laura Smyth & Carmen Butcher
Hosts: Vogue Williams & Joanne McNally
Guests: Laura Smyth & Carmen Butcher
Date: December 25, 2025
In this Christmas Day special, Vogue, Joanne, Laura Smyth, and Carmen Butcher provide an uproarious breakdown of holiday traditions, bicker about cheese boards, reminisce about Christmas songs, and—most crucially—dissect the viral Coldplay Kiss Cam scandal for which the episode is playfully titled. Laughter, honest (if unqualified) advice, and cheeky irreverence abound as the group weaves festive banter with the juiciest viral moment of the year, inviting listeners to relish in Christmas gossip and comedic camaraderie.
Christmas Music and Nostalgia:
The hosts and guests debate their top Christmas songs, expressing love for classics like “Fairytale of New York,” "Feliz Navidad," and Boney M ("Mary’s Boy Child").
Christmas Breakfast and Secret Santa:
Traditions are described with comedic envy and confusion—stockings, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, fizz, and the universally botched family Secret Santa scheme (03:26-04:43).
Presents & Couples:
The group discusses how, in couples, gifting often fizzles out due to “I do everything already” logic, agreeing on prioritizing birthdays over Christmas and a fondness for sentimental gestures rather than big spending (05:01-06:03).
Board Games and Family Antics:
Monopoly gets a shoutout—“That boy is going to be rich... loves taking people’s money”—against a backdrop of cheese boards and board games (06:45-07:07).
Cheese Boards & Bodily Functions:
An extended, outrageous debate on cheese board accoutrements ("Mozzarella is dead to me since burrata came along"), digestive risks of pickled onions, and the inevitable farts that ensue.
Why It Went Viral:
The event is compared to the impact of breaking news, with hosts saying their phones “blew up as if Princess Di died.” (11:09)
Analysis:
Aftermath & Social Frenzy:
Internet Memes and the World United:
Signature Moments:
| Timestamp | Segment | |:---|:---| | 00:15 | Christmas music and traditions banter | | 03:26 | Family Secret Santa fails | | 05:01 | Couples and the logic of present-buying | | 06:45 | Board games and cheese board chat begins | | 07:16 | Outrageous cheese-related bodily humor | | 09:02 | Launch into the Coldplay Kiss Cam viral moment | | 10:41 | Kiss Cam scandal: what really happened? | | 11:22 | The “throw away” gives it away | | 12:12 | Carmen’s “affairs can’t fix you”/Coldplay pun | | 13:58 | Why social class made the scandal meme-worthy | | 14:25 | Mascots and the global meme moment | | 15:07 | Sniffing fingers metaphor—the ultimate tell | | 16:51 | Chris Martin as the avatar of “worthiness” | | 17:12 | Crowd-sourcing Christmas gossip; office scandal joy | | 18:15 | George Michael tribute | | 19:19 | Sign-off and Christmas wishes |
The tone throughout is brash, cheeky, affectionate, and deeply British—full of festive mischief, familial chaos, and wry honesty about human nature. The Christmas Day special serves up a helping of joyful schadenfreude, affectionate ribbing, and the promise of more outsized gossip to come.
Bosch! Done.