Navigating Adult ADHD – Episode #105: Safe People & Safe Places for Adults with ADHD

Host: Xena Jones
Published: March 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Xena Jones sheds light on the crucial yet often overlooked need for "safe people" and "safe places" in the lives of adults with ADHD. Drawing from both personal stories and coaching experience, Xena explores how these elements support emotional regulation, foster authenticity, and prevent burnout. The conversation is filled with warmth, candor, and practical advice for cultivating environments and relationships that help ADHDers to truly thrive.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Safe People (02:18 – 09:34)

• Definition:
  Safe people are those around whom you can be unapologetically yourself—unfiltered, unmasked, free from the pressure to pretend or perform.
• ADHD Experience:
  “You can vent. You can go off on tangents. You can forget what you were saying mid-sentence and it’s actually totally okay.” (02:37, Xena)
• Eye Contact Struggles:
  Many with ADHD struggle with making eye contact and feel at ease when this isn't an expectation. “I remember I was told that growing up by—I think it might have been my dad—like, no, you need to, like, look them in the eyes. I was like, no, I don’t need to do that.” (03:37, Xena)
• Emotional Safety:
  True safety lets you share your messy or "not okay" moments without fear of judgment.

2. The Importance of Safe Places (04:49 – 08:41)

• Definition:
  Physical spaces where your nervous system can relax; “They feel cozy. They are free of judgment. They are free of expectations.”
• Examples:
  • Your bedroom or bed
  • The car parked in your driveway
  • The bathroom at work: “I'm all for the toilet. I'm just saying.” (03:52, Xena)
• Why it Matters:
  “We can only thrive when our nervous system feels safe... When we don’t feel safe, we get dysregulated.” (05:00, Xena)
• Consequences of Unsafe Spaces:
  Being in draining environments leads to burnout and emotional exhaustion.

3. Reflecting on Your Circles (05:57 – 13:40)

• Exercise:
  Xena encourages a reflection on who you spend time with and whether they are safe or draining.
• Workplace Stories:
  Contrasts between toxic and supportive professional environments highlight the difference safety makes in collaboration and wellbeing.
• Loved Ones Aren't Always Safe:
  “Sometimes we love people… and they’re not always our safe people. Okay? And it’s totally okay. Like, if your family are not your safe people, it doesn’t have to mean anything.” (08:42, Xena)
• Significant Others:
  If your partner isn’t a safe person, “that is going to be like carrying around a bucket with a hole in it, right?” (08:53, Xena)

4. How to Identify Safe People (08:42 – 09:44)

• Trust Your Gut:
  “At the heart of it, you feel it. You trust your gut, right? Your intuition knows when you are safe and when you are not.” (09:35, Xena)
• Authenticity:
  Safe people don’t make you hide your feelings or mask your struggles.

5. Intuition and Community (13:40 – 16:33)

• Safe Space Characteristics:
  • Your body can relax; you breathe differently.
  • No need to explain yourself or stay “switched on.”
  • Can be "corners, cosy spaces, the car, or even the toilet cubicle."
• Personal Story—Unsafe Living:
  Xena recounts living in a London flat with no private or safe space, leading to intense dysregulation and exhaustion.
  “Nowhere in that house felt safe. My nervous system was on edge 24/7.” (15:34, Xena)
• Validation:
  You don’t have to justify what or who feels safe. “Trust yourself. If you feel unsafe, have your own back.”

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “We can only thrive when our nervous system feels safe. When our body feels safe… When we don’t feel safe, we get dysregulated—fight or flight or freeze or fawn.” (05:00, Xena)
• “Not everyone deserves a spot in one of your circles, okay?” (12:37, Xena)
• “If you want more safe people, I highly recommend that you look for other adults with ADHD. Bonus points if they have the same flavor of ADHD as you.” (12:55, Xena)
• “When you don’t have safe places, that can be really hard.” (14:20, Xena)
• “If you feel unsafe, trust yourself, right? Have your own back.” (16:13, Xena)

Practical Strategies

• Notice Your Energy:
  Pay attention to how people and places make your body feel—do you relax, or do you tense up?
• Create Micro-Safe Spaces:
  Even bathrooms or cars can be brief sanctuaries if you lack a dedicated one.
• Cultivate and Seek Out Safe Community:
  Finding other adults with ADHD can foster genuine safety and connection. Consider joining supportive spaces like the Navigating Adult ADHD Facebook Community (16:34).

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:18 | What Makes Someone a Safe Person? | | 03:37 | Eye Contact and the Pressure to Behave Neurotypically | | 04:49 | Defining Safe Places and Why They Matter | | 05:00 | The Link Between Safety, Regulation, and ADHD | | 08:42 | When Family & Loved Ones Aren’t Always Safe | | 09:35 | How Do You Know? Trusting Intuition | | 12:37 | Concept of Circles and Not Letting Everyone In | | 13:40 | What Makes a Place Feel Safe? Practical Examples | | 15:34 | Personal Story—Living Without a Safe Place in London | | 16:13 | Final Thoughts: Trusting Yourself and Purposefully Finding Safe People/Places | | 16:34 | Navigating Adult ADHD Facebook Community Invitation |

Tone & Takeaways

Xena speaks with refreshing honesty and warmth, sharing relatable stories and practical wisdom—while always reaffirming that you are not alone and your feelings are valid. The episode acts as an affirmation that for ADHDers, self-trust and conscious environmental choices can make an enormous difference. Whether you’re new to exploring safe spaces or looking to deepen your support network, you’ll walk away feeling seen and equipped to advocate for your wellbeing.

Recommendation:
Spend a few minutes today considering who your safe people are, and where your most nourishing spaces can be found. And remember: "Trust your gut—your gut knows the vibe before your brain catches up, it knows." (16:21, Xena)