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You are listening to the Navigating Adult ADHD podcast with your ADHD coach and expert, Xena. Hello, hello, hello, my friend. Welcome back. We are Navigating Adult ADHD together and we're doing it with an incredible guest today. Freddy and I have just finished recording and I wanted to real quick record a little bit of an intro and tell you about him and the amazing things that he's doing and why you need to listen to this podcast. Because this human, wow, like he is on a incredible mission where neurodiversity and families are concerned in helping parents and children with neurodiversity and doing incredible, incredible things. Again, fellow late diagnosed adhd. In this episode, right at the end when I'm saying, hey, you know, thank you so much for coming on and for, you know, sharing this and, and for the work that you're doing in the world, I got all emotional, you might hear it in my voice. I got all like choked up at the end because, ah, this is just such a powerful conversation. So let me just tell you a little bit about Freddy, who he is, what he's doing. So Freddy is the managing director of Bay Pediatrics, which is a neurodiversity clinic right here in Tauranga. Right. We're actually, we're neighbors, like we live very close together. And Freddy is striving to establish New Zealand as a world leader, leader in ADHD assessment, diagnosis and support. So he's a behavioral change expert. He'd spent over 15 years advising companies like Coca Cola, Amazon, Microsoft, Virgin, Atlantic, Hewlett Packard, Heineken and so on. And he's been advising them on developing neuro friendly workplaces and empowering neurodivergent individuals to perform at their best. He has also spoken at the United nations on the topic of resilience and has been featured on so many places. And I'll just shout out a few of those. The BBC one News, seven Sharp, Men's Health, Women's Weekly, News Talk, ZP and so on. I am so excited for you to hear this conversation with Freddie. As I said, he's a late diagnosed adult. He also has a child who has ADHD and he gets it. He has been through the struggles and one of the things he talks about in this episode, which I really loved, was talking about the light and the dark of adhd. Right. The good and the bad. So, my friends, you are in for an absolute treat. I can't wait for you to hear this conversation with Freddy. Hello, hello, hello my friends. Welcome back to Navigating Adult adhd. Where today we are finally. I say finally because this has been six months in the making. We are finally Jo by the incredible Freddie Bennett. So, Freddie, welcome. Welcome to the podcast.
A
Thank you very much. It has been a little time to organize this, but good things come to those who wait. And I am honored to be here with you and I'm really excited about this episode.
B
Now, I have had over the last couple of years before we finally met in person, I have to tell you, I've had a lot of people who have come up to me, whether I'm speaking somewhere or I'm at some ADHD event, they have come up to me and said, you must know, Freddie. I've been like, no, not yet. So I'm so glad finally we got to meet. And it was Christchurch, December of last year, at the Christchurch ADHD conference where we finally met. I had the absolute privilege of getting to introduce you as you came on stage to give your keynote. And I have to say that was one of the most incredible keynotes I have ever seen. So I just wanted to say that it was amazing. But I do remember coming up to you introducing myself and having a quick, quick chat before, before we did that. And you told me a story about how the last time you were in Christchurch, you got locked out of your hotel room naked. Does that sound about right?
A
Yeah, that does sound about right, Definitely. I'm. I'm glad we've kind of. We've brought the nakedness in within. Let's set the tone straight away. Yes, that, that, that was. That was. Yeah, very much true.
B
Yeah. Okay, well, I'm hoping you're going to allude to, like, what happened as we go on, or maybe we'll have to fill in our listeners at the end, but we'll just leave it there for now.
A
Yeah, we definitely can. There is a deeper level to the story. Maybe it's like. Like a. Like a nakedness inception. This isn't. It wasn't actually the first time that I've done that.
B
I didn't know that.
A
Yeah, it was. There was. The first time I was in. It was in the uk, which I'm sure will come on to.
B
Yeah.
A
You know, different people have different hobbies, apparently. Mine is proudly go around hotel corridors naked.
B
So if you see a man in your hotel naked. Could be Freddie. Just saying.
A
But if it's not Freddie, call the police.
B
Yes, yes, of course. Now, you were diagnosed in your mid-30s after a lifetime of struggles. Can you tell us a little bit about the struggles that you had and what led you to finally getting your ADHD diagnosis? So let's dive in.
A
Absolutely. And there's always fun, isn't it, with asking someone with ADHD saying, just give me the quick version of the last 30 years. But I will certainly try. I mean, I, I talk about this as I talk about my two lives. I have my old life and my new life and this was very much a story of my old life. So the, the very first version is kind of grew up in a very chaotic household as a child. Like my, my mum was my dad's third partner. Lots of stepchildren, not much money, lots of chaos. And I remember growing up, you know, I was, I was the daydreamer. I was, I wasn't the kid who, who was running around as if driven by a motor, as we say often. I wasn't the one with the Ferrari brain and the BMX brakes. I, I was quiet. I, I wanted to appear normal. As I said, I wanted to be part of a normal people club, as I called it as, as I grew up. I, I just said to myself, all I want is to be normal like everyone else. I want to have a house where people aren't packing their bags and leaving and then coming back. I want to have a job where I know I'm going to get paid a salary every, every fortnight or every month. I just want stability and happiness. And that's what I, what I tried to create. And I quickly realized that kind of, I don't feel like any of these other kids, but if I just try and pretend like them and do what they're doing, then, then maybe that will, will be the case. So I managed to do that. I managed to be the first person in my family to go to uni. This was all in the uk. People may have guessed by now that I'm from the UK originally. It's got me terrible Kiwi accent. So, yeah, I went first person in my family to go to uni. Went to uni in the bright lights of Manchester in so quickly found a talent for drinking and partying. And then people started to describe me in, in ways that might sound familiar to all of us. They were like our life and soul of the party. Doesn't have an off switch, doesn't have a filter, all or nothing mindset. And you know what? I, I embraced it. I loved it. I went from this quiet, shy child who didn't quite fit in at school to all of a sudden, like, you know, you'd walk into a bar and everyone would go Ray, Freddy's here. I loved it. I soaked up that dopamine, somehow got through uni, survived it, and then thought, right, I'm going to go and get a normal job. So I again, magically, somehow got a job with a big global corporation in London. It was kind of, I look back, I just think, I don't recognize that, that person. But, you know, it was very, it was very businessy and meetings and networks and spreadsheets and all this stuff. And I was, at the time, I was really happy because I was like, I finally achieved this goal because crazy enough to say, when we, when we focus on a goal that we really want to achieve, we generally stop at nothing until we achieve it. So I found myself in the bright lights, you know, this kid who grew up with nothing. All of a sudden I kind of. I had like an expenses credit card, I had an apartment and I had money in my bank account and I grew some success in that corporate career in London. But I always remember you kind of when you're a graduate and you have like your big, you know, like induction training, your first day in the big shiny office. It was probably day two or day three. One of the managers, the senior, senior managers in the business, they pulled me aside and they said, you know what, Freddie? You're. You're going to do really well here. You're going to have a really successful career. All you need to change, he said as he kind of put his hand, you know, moved his hand, waved his hand all around me. All you need to change is all of this. And what he. All I had to change was the way I acted, the way I spoke, the way I looked, the way I talked and the way I behaved, and then everything would all be fine. And the really sad thing is I believed him and I took it on board and I said to myself, I need to change who I am. I'm. I'm a. I'm not good enough to be here. I don't deserve to be here. I'm a bit too kind of charismatic. I'm a bit too out there and I need to put a lid on all of that. And I, I believed him. And I wore this mask every single day to work, pretending to be someone that I wasn't pretending to be, you know, boring and corporate and responsible and all these things that I think a business person should be. And the, the harsh thing was I found some success through it. I got some promotions. I kind of, you know, jumped up a few levels. And I found myself Then at 35, I had the Porsche on the driveway, the Rolex on the wrist, the granite in the kitchen. I had the ski holidays, I had the young children by that time, the outwardly happy family. I always say if you looked at me, you would have seen a six figure earner.
B
Yeah.
A
Underneath, I wasn't a six figure father, I wasn't a six figure husband, I wasn't a six figure friend, son, anything like that. And because I was trying to mask all of my behaviors, all of my. I was pulling up the handbrake on my soul, I was dampening the, the lights of my spirit. And because I was, I was trying to almost put a lid on all of this pressure that was building up, it was starting to come out sideways. So, yeah, I was. Dopamine seeking is a very HR friendly way of saying. Another way of saying it. I call it like, like the pack and save version of the Wolf of Wall Street. I was, I was partying every night just doing all the things that, that someone, that a father.
B
I feel like we can use our imagination there.
A
Yeah.
B
To fill in some of those gaps.
A
Absolutely.
B
Yeah. Yeah.
A
And it all fell apart one day, kind of mental health issues. As many, many adults with ADHD know, the trauma and addiction and mental health issues and all these challenges. And there were a few warning signs along the way, like finding yourself in a hotel room naked at a work conference. But that time, yeah, it was a work conference where my whole company had hired out the whole hotel and every hotel room was filled with colleagues and I was wandering the corridors naked without my contact lenses so I couldn't. Those shadowy figures at the end of the corridor, I didn't know if that was a cleaner or like the global CEO of my business. Do you talk about RSD and the shame that you wake up with the next morning? I was like, does everyone know? Does everyone not know? I was carrying all of this weight and just trying to be normal and still be a good husband and be a good father and be good employee. And that's when it all fell apart. And I went on that journey of going. I got the counseling, got the therapy. And first I was like, am I an alcoholic? Then I was like, is it trauma? Then I was like, is it depression? Is it all of these things? And eventually a therapist said, you ever thought about adhd? And I said, well, no, of course not, because that's just something that like American, like college kids have got take Adderall for and just to kind of go do, you know, studying through the night and everything. But then I looked into it and it started to sound quite familiar. And I got the, as I say, the long story short, I got the psychology diagnosis in the UK and even then I still said, you know what, it's just, it's a label, it's fine, I'm going to carry on, I'm just. And I knew I had it, but I wasn't willing to accept it and embrace it until a few years later when I was here in New Zealand. And kind of that's when, when the story continues.
B
M. You've talked a little bit here about the masking, right? The trying to appear normal, which so many of us can relate to. I'm curious, like how much energy did that take and what happened when you finally stopped?
A
You're totally right. It was a huge amount of energy. And I, I call it, I call it the Normal People Club. I don't know where that name came from, but it's almost like there's, there's a club of all, of all the normal people. And I really wanted, because I wanted to belong and I wanted to feel wanted and I wanted to feel accepted and I saw this group of people who all look normal. So I'm like, right, how do I sneak in? How do I, how do I sneak into Normal People Club? And yeah, wearing that mask of. It's almost like a two sided mask, I believe. I think one side is how do I need to be seen? And that's what, how do I need to kind of portray myself in terms of the way I speak, stuff I talk about. So can't, can't have too much fun, can't, can't tell too many jokes and like I say, try to be this very normal person. And I think on the inside of that mask it's that mask of shame which says who I am needs to be hidden and the, the person that I truly am needs to be hidden away from the world because that person isn't accepted or that person isn't wanted or that person probably deep down is that, that, that true version of me behind the mask isn't worthy of being loved. And because of that I need to put that mask on and then put all this energy into, into being this other person. And I, I truly believe it's almost like doing a. Being on stage 24, seven this or out of 18 hours a day, giving this performance every single day to an audience but the audience isn't allowed to know that you' is so draining and shattering. And at the same time, if it's got a narrative and I Talk about this, this, this playlist of, of shame which says I'm not enough. Because we all have this. I'm not good enough, I'm not young enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm not experienced enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not strict enough, I'm not lean enough. We all, we all have these things. You know, we all, we all wake up every morning and the first thing we say is, oh, I didn't see sleep enough. And then we go to bed that night and the last thing we say to ourselves is, oh, I didn't do enough today, didn't do all those things I was supposed to do. And it's like, it's like carrying these rocks around with you which other people don't have to carry, but yet we still have to go to work, have a social life, raise kids, do all the things that the adults generally have to do. So, yeah, absolutely draining, yeah, Exhausting, eh?
B
I also remember, and I've had a lot of people tell me about this, how there's this kind of identity crisis when you do get diagnosed and you realize how much of your life has been spent masking, trying to be part of that normal club, or as I call them, the normies, you know, trying to be a normie. And, and you know, that's really exhausting, really draining. And you start to see that for what it is and you start to go, well, who, who the hell am I then? Like, who am I really? I remember going, what do I even like to eat? Because I'd always be like, oh, I don't mind, I don't mind. We can go wherever, I'll eat whatever. Like, I don't like pizza, but I'll eat pizza. Like, that's fine, you know. So did you experience that? And if you did, how did you navigate that?
A
It's, you're totally right. It is that kind of, it's that journey. It's almost like you're seeing yourself for the first time because we, we, we believe that we are broken. And it's. I, I'll try not go off on a tangent here, but I'm always fascinated. The kind of, yeah, the nature nurture aspect of ADHD and what you're saying around the people pleasing is totally right because I believe that I was a people pleaser because of all the, the conflict that I grew up in and the chaos of my house and the arguing and you know, there was a lot of abuse happening, all kinds of abuse for everyone. And I wanted to keep the Peace. So I was very good at saying, I'm happy if you're happy, I'll go where you want. I'll do what you want. Because all I wanted was peace. But then I was like, hang on, because, because this, now this diagnosis makes you question everything. Was, was I a people pleaser because I was trying to please my parents? Or have I been a people pleaser because I wanted to be accepted by the people? And, and you're right, can be not. Yeah, it's sometimes shown to be kind of like this. Yeah, this is like Disney version of life when it's kind of like, oh, this is. This is who I am. This is me. And the Greatest Showman soundtrack starts going. We all start dancing Nazi and clappy in the background. But rather than this is me, I think many times it's like, oh, this is me. And, and there has to be a lot of, a lot of self acceptance there. And yeah, I, I have a phrase that I use. I'm a man of many phrases you may learn is that you, you cannot outperform your own self image. And, and I believe that they.
B
Hang on here. Say it again. Say it again.
A
You cannot outperform your own self image. So I believe that at the heart of our before, when I talk about performance, I don't mean in that slightly bullshitty high performance, yeah, let's go and be a CEO and run a marathon. I mean, it kind of, it could be your performance as a parent or as a partner or as just the best version of you. You cannot outperform your own self image. And that's why I believe we, when it comes to accepting and embracing who we are, so often we look externally for the solution. We look for the book or the coach or the podcast or the motivational quote on Instagram or the sunrise, really all comes from inside. And, and to break down that, that quote, we can't outperform our own self image. I say this kind of. If you made a million dollars, but you still saw yourself as a broke person, or if you lost 20 kilos, but you still saw yourself as an overweight person, or you find the love of your life, but you still see yourself as a single person, you will always end up back where you started, where you see yourself. And, and that was for me, I, I tried all the kind of the optimization of, you know, I'm going to do the journaling for a week and then I'm going to buy a new notebook and that'll all be fine. Oh, I'm gonna do the I'm gonna do the ice baths or the meditation. And which, clearly with adhd, they were all, they were all very like shiny, shiny objects. But if I didn't start to accept and embrace who I was, and importantly, if I didn't start to accept and embrace the. I don't see the negative parts. You know, I think it's. Carl Jung talks about the shadow parts of ourselves. The, the parts of ourselves that maybe we don't want the world to see. We have to embrace and accept those as well. And, and I truly believe it's, you know, it's what they call our edge, especially with ap, with adhd, we all have this edge that makes us different and unique and in the right situation, super powerful. But an edge can cut you as well. Like it can cause harm, it can cause damage. But people without an edge, well, they're just well rounded and they don't build statues for well rounded people.
B
Boring.
A
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And it's true. And I think a lot of this is embracing ourselves. And we, we talk about. I'm just firing the phrases that, you know, we talk about shoulding ourselves. And when you should yourself, then life gets messy. And that wasn't a mispronunciation. I talk about shoulding ourselves when we say I should be better, I should be different, I should be thinner, I should be fitter, I should be getting up at 5am and running a marathon and I should be going to bed earlier. What if we stopped shoulding ourselves and just said, this is how I do things, this is how I do life. And maybe that's okay for me because this is how I want to live my life. And I always say kind of as long as, as long as no one is getting hurt, as long as everyone consents to everything, as long as no laws are being broken, I generally think that, that people should, should be allowed to, to live their lives. And the problems I see. Or I'll rephrase that. The, the people I see who have had more challenges as they go through life and I include myself in this massively.
B
Yeah.
A
Are the people who, who lived a lie or lived a life that wasn't theirs. Yeah, life. Life's too short to be someone that we're not meant to be.
B
And those are the people full of the shoulds too. Right. And I speak from experience as well. Very. You know, I should be further along. I should lose weight. I should get up and go for a run in the morning. I should. Yeah, yeah. On myself.
A
I say, yeah, exactly, yeah. And all of Us with adh, we carry so much shame because we're so good at remembering. Oh, that time when I ran through the corridor running, I was kind of hiding behind plant pots, you know, that was God knows how many years ago. The first time. It must be 20 years ago. But I still, I'm still replaying that in my head. And all these things and the. We look at the work we do with kids and everything around impulsive behaviors and lying and saying that thing that we shouldn't have said and definitely doing that thing that we shouldn't have said. We. We all carry that shame with us. And I think a big. A big step to. To transforming ourselves, for transforming ourselves into who we were always born to be, is about actually accepting and embracing ourselves and saying, I, I don't want to be perfect. I. I truly believe that I am who I am because of my. Because of the things that are maybe challenging about myself. They're just as important as the things that are labeled good about myself.
B
I love the way you said, like the light in the dark or that was it the shadow side.
A
Yeah, yeah, the shadow, yeah. Psychologist Carl Young talked about the. Talks about the shadow self. And because we, we all have that part of ourself that we don't want to show to the world the way I had a great way of describing it. So imagine a, Like a beach ball, like an inflatable beach ball that you blow up.
B
Yeah.
A
And you're in a swimming pool and you've got this beach ball in front of you. On the top of the beach ball is all of the things that you want the world to see. So, you know, I'm. I'm funny and charismatic and creative and imaginative, and I make an amazing flat white. And all of these things, we all have these things that we want the world to see.
B
Yeah.
A
But then underneath the beach ball, we have all the things that we. About ourselves that we don't want the world to see. So I'm lazy, I'm disorganized, I'm selfish, I'm grumpy. I know if, if I'm eating pizza and someone says to me, can I have a slice? I will look at them daggers because I hate sharing food. And all of these. We all have these tricks traits about ourselves that we, we'd rather not kind of shine a light on. So you've got this beach ball floating stuff we want the world to see on the top, stuff we don't want to see the world to see on the bottom. And all of that energy is being Spent trying to push that beach ball down because you don't want the. That, you know, that slightly darker underside to be seen. And you know that if you're trying to, like, push. I'm doing this on Zoom for podcast. Imagine. Imagine me in my. In my swimmers trying to push this beach ball under the surface of the water, and all the energy that takes, and you try as much, and then as soon as life gives you too much, or as soon as life says, here, hold this, or as soon as a stress or something comes up to distract you, all of a sudden, whoop, I let go of the beach ball and it flies up into the air and all that ugly underside gets exposed to the world, usually in a kind of quite explosive way.
B
And.
A
And I think how. How much easier would life be? How much less stressful, how much less energy would be used up if we just let the beach ball float along? And sometimes the good stuff is up and sometimes the bad stuff is up, but it's just floating there, and we're kind of. We're having a nice cocktail floating next to it, just kind of living our best lives. But rather than trying to keep that
B
beach, rather than fighting it. Right. Resisting it all the time. Yeah.
A
100.
B
Yeah. So one of the things I learned about you when you gave your keynote was that you've gone from this really dark place that you've talked about to doing some pretty incredible things. So I think, is it both the Sahara Desert and in the Arctic? You ran ultra marathons. You also got a Guinness World Record, which you're gonna have to describe because I've seen the visuals of that, but you'll have to describe that for us. You've spoken at the un you're building this incredible healthcare business now around neurodiversity for kids. For children. How much of those sort of achievements do you sort of attribute to your ADHD rather than being in spite of it? I'm keen to hear.
A
It's a great question, and the short answer for once for an ADHD person is. Is a lot. Um, I wouldn't have been able to do what I've done if it wasn't for adhd. Also, the slightly darker and honest answer is I don't think I could do what I've done unless I'd been through the trauma and of my childhood. And it's such a cliche that kind of people say, you know, you swap one addiction for another in terms of all the maybe not so wholesome addictions for things like running and exercise. But I always Say it was. Yeah, you're totally right. I did the Wells. I went from being someone who was newly diagnosed with ADHD at kind of 35. I say that was the psychological diagnosis. I found myself stressed, depressed, unfit, overweight, addicted to quite a few different things, and I couldn't run a kilometer. So you've heard of couch to 5K?
B
Yeah.
A
I had to do Couch to world's toughest ultramarathon, which was 300 km across the Sahara desert in. In five days.
B
300 km across the Sahara desert in five days?
A
Yep.
B
You definitely don't do anything by halves there.
A
No, definitely. I took that all or nothing mindset that allowed me to kind of, yeah, have. Have 60 kilos at 1am on a Tuesday night with work the next day to. To running. But this is when kind of all the running types get excited and they try and talk to me about like, heart rate and training, and I haven't got a clue about that. For me, it was. Again, I've spoken to many psychologists and psychiatrists in my time. One of them said kind of, are you running to something or are you running from something? And I was like, okay, there's probably quite a lot of. A lot of truth there. But I, I started. I signed up for the Sahara Desert race, which started at all. Kind of. I wanted to show myself what I was capable of because for some reason this, this race had always caught my imagination. Again, kind of world's toughest foot race. Sahara Desert is the kind of headline that's going to catch the att. Someone with adhd. So I was always the guy who wanted to do it. And I was like, I'll be the guy at the bar. I'm going to do that one day. I'm going to do that. That race I had all the books. I did the hyper focus, read the books, listened to the podcast, watch the YouTube videos, got really excited about it. And then I'd keep on getting distracted by something else. And then my dad died very suddenly, which was not the best day in my life. And kind of after the deeper down downward spiral after that, I kind of, I said to myself, yeah, it was horrible that he died and he didn't know he was going to die on the day that he died. And I always think there would have been a moment on that day when he would have gone like, oh, time's up. And I always wondered what were the thing, what were his regrets? What were all those things that he didn't want that he, that he hadn't done that he wants to do. And I looked to my own life and my own kids and I was like, no, it's not supposed to go like this. I had all the ADHD goals and dreams and visions and all these wonderful. I could, I could visualize it in this amazing detail, but I wasn't taking any action. And that's when I thought, no, I'm going to actually for once do what I said I was going to do. And yeah, and I ran around the Sahara desert, which was crazy because, yeah, it's 300 kilometers, five days, which is like averages of it says more than a marathon a day. You're carrying all of your own food and equipment on your back. So everything, food, clothes, there's no kind of stop at the hotel, have a little dip in the pool and a gin and tonic at the end of every day. You got to sleep in the dirt, get up, run, 60km, sleep in the dirt, get up, run. You can't. There's no change of underwear. There's no showers. There's literally. Toilet is a plastic bag that you have to hold really carefully. I can imagine if that bag spills. There ain't no washing machine or change of clothes and, and all sorts of things like that. So it showed me what I was capable of. It was almost a way of proving to myself for once I could do the thing that I said I was going to do. Because before then I was, I was a big dreamer, I was a big talker, but I wasn't a big doer. So I thought, hang on. So if I can actually do this thing that I said I was going to do, as I said, and it's not about the running. It was my goal for someone else. It that, that same goal, that life goal may be something like writing a book or starting a podcast or moving to a different country or starting a business or ending a relationship. We all have this thing that we want to do, but we don't do it because we believe we haven't got the time or the confidence or the energy or the money or the support. And so I believe we can all do these things. And so I, so I did that and I was able to use the ADHD hyper focus to get it done. I don't believe that I could have done it if it wasn't for, for that superpower. And they, and this is partly about, as I say, embracing these, these slightly darker sides to us, because I've obviously done some, some races since and some crazy races like 100 miles non stop and things like that. Before I got busy with the clinic. But they always. Somebody once said if you look at the start line of like 100 mile race or an ultra marathon, nobody at that start line is normal in inverted commas. Everyone has got some.
B
I would agree.
A
A lot of people have got, are on that, on that neurodivergent spectrum. A lot of people have got, you know, trauma, addictions, a history of mental illness. Yeah, kind of. No one, no one is normal. And I think this is part of that aspect of maybe we don't want to be normal. Maybe instead of saying, oh I'm, I'm so bad because I'm not normal, actually say maybe I should be running a different race. Both, both physics, both physically and, and metaphorically. It doesn't mean you're broken, it just means you're different.
B
Yeah. 100. And I always say to people too, like, difference is, is such a wonderful thing. Difference is why we travel because we want to explore different parts of the world, different cultures, different sceneries. Right. Try different foods, all of these things. I think difference is a beautiful thing.
A
Definitely.
B
One of the things I do want us to talk about is the parenting dimension. So as a late diagn ADHD adult.
A
Right.
B
Appearance of a child, does it. Do you just have one child with ADHD or.
A
Yes, I've got two boys. One of them is officially diagnosed adhd. We take the same dose of medication. So more about him or me. The oldest is, is definitely as he's, he's 13 now. He's got more than a touch the tism, that's for sure. But. Right. Whether, whether he'll, he'll ever let us go down that diagnostic route, I don't know. That's. I think that's his own journey. But yes. So one boy officially ADHD diagnosed.
B
I'm curious, how has that changed the way that you parent?
A
Oh, so much I would love to say, kind of especially with my current job running an ADHD clinic, I'd love to say everything is calm and smooth and I have all of the insights and all of the answers. Answers. Nothing like having your kid have a meltdown in the supermarket. When I'm there wearing my bay pediatric T shirt, I'm like, great. This isn't a great advert for the clinic, is it? But it has allowed me to, to accept and embrace it more. And I think with my son and again, I hope I can give him a gift that I haven't had because I went, let's say 35 years thinking I was broken. He only went 11 years thinking he was broken. So. And I think a lot of journey now rather than saying, guys, why are you so why, why are you being so lazy? Why aren't you? Why can't you just do your chores? I'm like, well, I know because your brain doesn't work that way and you're not lazy. You're just hyper focused on something else. Or for some crazy reason, emptying the dishwasher is not firing your dopamine at the most fun thing you could do on a Saturday morning. So there is a lot more self acceptance there. And I think it's actually brought us a lot close together because he, he. And it's a difficult thing to say because he remembers me when that was the old me. He remembers seeing his dad like hungover, passed out on the couch. And on a Saturday morning, he remembers seeing a very stressed, very depressed dad. He remembers seeing a dad. He was even saying the other day, like, there was a time we joke about in, in the family when he broke the garage door. Like the garage got like a button that you press and the door goes up and the door goes down. And him and his brother were fighting and messing around. And long story short, they broke the garage door. And I absolutely lost my, to kind of so much to the extent they still talk about it years later. And I was finally able to say to him quite recently, I was like, you know, I wasn't angry at you. I thought you could have, could have done without you doing that. But I was like, I wasn't able to control my emotions and I went from 0 to 100 too quickly and I was catastrophizing and I was doing all of these things. But it wasn't because of, of you being a bad child or a naughty child. Yeah, you made a mistake. But, but it was me who was having the, the struggle. And one thing with this, this came into my mind quite recently with, with parenting and adhd that popped up. I always describe sometimes my house as a bit of a battleground. It's a bit of a war zone. And then I realized with, with neurodiverse parenting, yeah, the war isn't with your child. The war is with yourself. And, and I was saying I thought that I was like me and him having these big conflicts, but actually I was angry at myself and I was, I was not struggling so much with him. I was struggling with the person in the mirror. And the more I kind of learned to manage myself, the more I was able to better manage his behavior and his emotions, which is why I Truly believe. Again, it comes back to the self image. I could, I could read every book on parenting and I still wouldn't be able to parent any harder. I could quote every framework, every five steps, meltdown, management process. But I know if I wasn't able to control my own mind and my own emotions and my own confidence, then none of it would be as. As powerful.
B
I agree. I read, or I think I may have actually heard you say this too, that you are on a mission to make the Bay of Plenty, where we both live here, the Silicon Valley of Neurodiversity. So I am keen to hear why you started Bay Pediatrics. And what is it, what is it that you guys do in this. Tell us more about this mission that you're on.
A
Absolutely. So, yes, we are Bay Pediatrics Recharge Neurodiversity Clinic here in Tauranga in the Bay of Plenty in New Zealand. We assess, diagnose, treat, support, medicate when required. Kids with ADHD and autism. And a lot of this started on, on my son's journey, really, again, with Luke, because we're like so many parents struggling with him at school. And first I've been in New Zealand for five years now. First I was like, it's just, he hasn't settled in yet. He's just struggling with the transition. And then it went to, oh, you know, but he's, he's just spirited and just the way he is, kind of. He's a chip off the old block. But then, you know, the phone calls from the school become a bit more frequent and, you know, you realize, hang on ever, all the kids are having the birthday parties and my kids not being invited and all of these things. And I. Because I know he's super smart, he's much smarter than me, but he was struggling with his learning. And then, you know, the labeling started. He was the naughty one and the disruptive one and the lazy one. And I was like, again, this doesn't sound like my boy. And that's when I was okay, I think begrudgingly at the time. I was like, oh, surely it can't be adhd. I might be a bit adhd, I know that. But as I said, no, it was time for an assessment. Went through the. The public assessment system. I was. The public health care system is staffed by some truly amazing doctors and psychologists and some psychiatrists who are absolutely awesome at what they do because they are slightly handcuffed, shall we say, by maybe some bureaucracy and some funding and all the political stuff and everything else. It meant we spent a long time, a long time waiting and all that time feeling overlooked and overwhelmed and bad parenting and all of these things and just waiting and waiting while he was getting worse, things were getting worse at home. It was all just turning into a, into a nightmare. And finally, again, a long, long story short, got a diagnosis around the same time. That's when I kind of, I was there saying, okay, I can't, I can't, I can't manage this myself anymore. His, his diagnosis process, like so many parents kind of underlined it for me that everything they were talking about for him sounded like a recap of my life. Everything. I was like, this sounds like me. This sounds like me. So I got my own medication. You know, the proper, the, the full, the full guts and glory of medication and everything. And then in my ADHD brain I was like, surely, surely this could be done better. Surely this could be done differently because I looked at my journey and, and Luke's journey and I was like, this is horrible. Kind of what, what could I do to, to ensure that other families in New Zealand don't have to suffer like we've suffered? So I was like, well, what could I do? I could kind of maybe start a petition or maybe start an Instagram account or write some letters or I could start my own ADHD clinic. That's a good idea. Why not? Why not go big all or nothing. And there's an amazing line in a movie. I think the movie is We Bought a Zoo. I think it might be.
B
Oh yeah, I've seen that. It's good. That's a good one.
A
Is it Matt Damon? I think.
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. This is family.
A
Yeah, yeah, that's it. And there's an amazing line in there and I. Some is. I can't remember it word for word, but it goes something like. Sometimes all you need is 30 seconds of pure insanity. 30 seconds of pure insanity, pure bravery. And it can change the course of your life. And that was the. Yeah, so that, that family bought a zoo, I built a clinic. And Luke's mum happens to be an awesome pediatrician who specializes in adhd, which is always helpful to, to have. So I convinced. And she still works in, in the public health care system now. And, and I said to. I'm going to do this. And she said, really? She has a look a bit like when I say I'm going to run through the Sahara desert record or go to the North Pole. She usually cry and then say don't be ridiculous. But she was like, do you think you can do this? Because I. And it's so funny the way you kind of. The pieces of the puzzle all make sense only when you look backwards. Because all those corporate years when I was trying to be someone that I wasn't and suffering and all these things, I realized I've actually learned quite a lot about things like business and marketing and all that kind of stuff. So I was like, what if I took all that stuff? Maybe it's an ADHD thing. The information was really powerful, the learning at the time was really powerful, but I wasn't in the right environment to implement it. But now all of a sudden I was in this environment where I wanted to thrive because I was driven by a purpose and a mission. And sometimes they say in life we. We can spend our lives looking for our purpose, but then one day your purpose finds you. And. And this was very much the case for me. Owning an ADHD clinic was never, never on my radar. Five years ago it was. Three years ago, it wasn't on my radar. But I said, you know what? I'm going to do something insane and, and do it. And from day one I was like, no one's going to come. It's going to be one of Freddie's kind of crazy ideas that everyone laughs about and I'll move on to the next thing. But. So we got some amazing doctors in and we bought some amazing technology from the uk, which no other clinic has got, which helps us create this truly objective ADHD diagnosis with none of the bias, none of the subjectiveness, bought that into New Zealand and. And from day one, parents started coming and then they started coming from further afield and then they started flying in from across New Zealand and somewhere along the way with, yeah, a lot of late nights and a lot of tears and a lot of self doubt, it kind of. It started to work. And very soon after that. Well, now I'll rephrase this. So much of what we do at Bay Pediatrics we do because I think to myself or all of our doctors, everyone is either neurodiverse themselves or they've got neurodiverse kids. So we've all been on this journey. We ask ourselves, what would we have needed two years ago or three years ago? Would we have needed a book? Would we have needed a podcast? Would we have needed a workshop on sleep? Would we have needed something to help us with get the kids off bloody YouTube? And then we think, what would we need that we make it. We take all of their expertise and we distill it down and I kind of, I bring. So I always say I am not a doctor. Probably your listeners will have gathered that I am not the medical expert, but I'm, I'm the, I'm the boy with ADHD who has a boy with adhd. So I think we've all sometimes sat in a, in a medical room and felt a bit confused and a bit talked down to and a bit overwhelmed. And clearly none of those people work at Bay Pediatrics. But we, we take all this medical expertise. You know, we were, we were the only clinic in New Zealand that was invited to present our work to the ADHD World Summit in Prague, which is like United nations with all kind of, yeah, the professors and the sort of senior psychiatrists only click in New Zealand. Our doctors were, were invited to, to present our work and, but we take all that expertise and then I kind of say, yeah, but how, how would we use this if it's 11 o' clock at night and your child telling you that they hate, hate you and all you want to do is sit on the sofa, drink a bottle of wine and cry. How can we take your expertise and kind of make it real like that? And that's why. Because we know to talk about your question earlier. Well, once you get that diagnosis, people think and parents think, you know, we think it's the end of the journey. It's like having a child and you kind of, you get the nine months of pregnancy and you're all, everything's focused on the birth, death. Hey, it's all focused on that big day. Then the birth happens or the rebirth as I call it. Kind of when you get the diagnosis, big day happens. Then you get home, sit on the couch and say right now what the hell do we do? So now what? Yeah, exactly.
B
Very relatable.
A
And that's why we, we have this thing called Epic Families. And Epic Families stands for Extraordinary parents, Incredible children. And we, yeah, we have podcasts, we have big events, we've got, we ran the, one of the biggest events for neurodiverse families in New Zealand which is coming back on August 16 to Taurunga to Bay Court Theater. And I know there are some many other amazing events and are informative that happen across New Zealand's Australia. I had an idea around, let's invite kids to R1, which, which makes the whole thing 10 times harder. But we also know that that many parents with neurodiverse kids can't get child care. And, and I didn't want them to miss out. One thing we say is no family gets left behind. I don't mind whether someone has an assessment with us, a diagnosis with us. Maybe they've never walked through the door. Maybe they never heard of us. I don't mind. I just want to give people the tools, the knowledge, so their families can thrive. And that's why we do so much and say with the resources and the events in the podcast, because I. I truly, truly believe. And it's Abraham Maslov quote that says, what one can be, one must be. And so many kids and so many adults with ADHD are being less than they can be because they don't have the confidence or the skills or the tools or the permission to be who they were always meant to be. And it kills me. It really, really kills me because that was me as well. And maybe I think, to be honest, it still is me. I'm still being less than I could be. And I'm. I'm in relentless pursuit of my potential. And I believe that everyone can be the same. And if we can give people the tools, the knowledge, the. The habits, the confidence to do that, then. And that's how we do it. And I've just realized the question that you asked about 20 minutes ago about the Silicon Valley, the Bay of Plenty, that is my vision. We're here in the Bay of Plenty. I want the Bay of Plenty to become the Silicon Valley of neurodiversity. And that's bigger than Bay Pediatrics. I want the research, the investment, the talent, the facilities to serve every family here in the Bay of Plenty of the best in the country. So then the rest of New Zealand looks at us and says, wow, how are they doing it? That's. We want to learn from them. So if, you know, rising tide will float all boats. So if we can do this in the Bay of Plenty, then the rest of New Zealand, we can support the whole rest of the country. Are you listening, politicians? My. My email is open. And then if we can. If we could have this for New Zealand, and then we can change the world. And, you know, kind of, you hear these surveys, and it's almost. Sometimes it's stuff like, kids in Finland are the happiest kids in the world, and everyone look past Finland doing things. Or like kids in. Kids in South Korea, they're the best mathematicians in the world. So everyone says, like, oh, how's South Korea doing it? I want everyone in the world to be like New Zealand. They're the best in the world at supporting neurodiverse kids. How are they doing it? And I truly believe we can do that and it won't happen overnight, but it truly is my mission and thank you and say that that's. I think we all have a part to play there. And let's face it, if you look back over the night last, you know, five or so years, it'd be nice to have a good news healthcare story coming out in New Zealand. But I truly believe we. And you know, it takes, it does take political willpower and it does take perseverance and it does take all of these things which in 2026 feel like they short supply. But that's why I call it the neurodiversity revolution, because a revolution happens when a group of people stand up and they say, I'm not going to take this anymore. A revolution happens and a group of people say, we deserve better. And a revolution happens when a group of people say, no longer will we tolerate being overlooked, overwhelmed or ignored. This is our time to shine and this is our moment to rise up in a very polite way. This is our time to rise up and say it's time to do things differently and do things better. And I believe that's our opportunity and I believe that's what we can achieve if we all work together to create a brighter future for these kids.
B
Oh, yes.
A
Pretty went on a ramp. Sorry.
B
Oh, I love it. I love it. I'm here for it. I'm here for it. One last question I want to ask you. You talked about that moment, you know, when you get handed the diagnosis and you go home and you're sitting on the sofa and you're like, now what if you could give one piece of advice or information to that person? What would you say?
A
Oh, that's a good question. I'm trying to think of something that isn't so much of, of a cliche. And I think it's. It can feel overwhelming. I think it can feel truly overwhelming. And it does sound a bit of a cliche, but I think it is about kindness and, and self acceptance. And this is very much a, a journey of, of embracing your own uniqueness and, and that journey can last a lifetime because so many of us, I believe we've spent our lives up until that diagnosis feeling like we were standing on the outside of life. So this is the moment when you could realize you were doing that actually, because you're simply outstanding. And this is your, your moments to. I believe it's all about leaning in to who you are and, and not hiding away from that. As I. People. People talk to us. Us adhd is about things like burnout and balance and re being reasonable and lowering our expectations and all of these things. And sorry to swear, but I'm like, bullshit. Like what? Maybe it's time to be more unreasonable. Statues were not built for reasonable people. Did people tell Shakespeare to be more reasonable? Do people tell Leonardo to lower his expectations? Did people tell Mother Teresa to maybe just help a few less people? Did people tell, you know, any of the world's greatest thinkers, creators, entrepreneurs, inventors, saints and helpers? I'm sure people did tell all of these people to set their sights a little lower, to be a little more reasonable and to be a bit more balanced. And thank goodness they ignored all of them. So I think there's. Obviously we do have to look after ourselves and, and be healthy and take care of ourselves. But.
B
But I think permission to be unreasonable.
A
Yeah, exactly.
B
I quite like that. I wrote it down.
A
Reasonable. Exactly. I think I say there is an element of, you know, the caveat of self care and everything else. But yeah, I truly believe that our, our lives are the result of what we are prepared to tolerate and to, you know, to capture the point that you made earlier. So many of us are tolerating less than we deserve because we're trying to please people. You spent your life. Person who has just got the diagnosis. You spent your life trying to please other people by being someone that you weren't meant to be. Now it's time to please yourself because it's never too late to become who you were always meant to be.
B
Right there. Mike dropped. That's it. Boom. You, you've already told us a little bit about Bay Pediatrics. You've mentioned a podcast. Where can people find you if they want to come looking and work with you? And I highly encourage them to do that, especially the people out there with young children, families with neurodiverse kids. Please do.
A
Definitely. So all things Bay Pediatrics. Like I say, we. I back on. It's not an ADHD way of saying it. I back ourselves. Yeah, we are, you know, we're. We are New Zealand's number one ADHD and autism clinic. We're award winning. As I say, we're the only clinic and invited to things like the ADHD World World Congress and World Summit. So yeah, baypediatrics.com for all your, your assessments. I say we, we do the assessments, we do do the medication. All on the same day, all in house. All of that good stuff. One thing for families as well. Yeah. We are a private clinic and I'm not going to pretend that we're not. But I know that as a parent, sometimes you're not there saying, ah, my child is displaying ADHD symptoms, therefore I'm going to go and get an ADHD assessment. Generally as a parent you're just saying it. Things like, it feels like life is falling apart. I think I need help, but I don't know what to do. Anyone who sends an application to Bay Pediatrics, we send out all the forms to complete, but every single child, our medical team will review that information for free and we will recommend the treatment pathway. So, wow. Effectively if you know, because we know for kids, parents are saying it's adhd, maybe it's actually really bad sleep because those symptoms are very similar. Maybe it's dyslexia, maybe it's autism. So we, we will never allow any family to invest time and money in an assessment unless our experts have like given them the green light and approved it. So all of that, that what we call pre screening, happens for every child for free. So parents only go down that assessment pathway. Once we've said, we've gathered the information, we've looked, we recommend ADHD assessment or autism, or maybe we just recommend, maybe we say sometimes go and get some therapy. Maybe that's enough. Let listen to some podcasts, maybe that's enough because an ADHD diagnosis, as we all know, stays with that person for the rest of their life. So nothing is more important than getting it right date and getting it right first time. But yeah, baypediatrics.com for everything assessment. And also on there we've got like our podcast, we've got free books, we've got all sort events, all sorts of things on there. The Freddie Bennett stuff. In terms of my, my journey, we're all on a journey. I am at the Freddie Bennett across, mainly across Insta and Facebook and LinkedIn I think as well. But it will not be a surprise that I struggle on LinkedIn.
B
Me too.
A
I don't go, oh, I'm thrilled that I've got this new promotion to head of the coffees for the paid pediatric doctors. Yeah, I feel like I don't speak
B
the, the language over there. I just don't speak that language. That's how I feel.
A
I read it and I'm like, surely, like everyone knows this is. Yeah, we all, we all know this. But I am on LinkedIn. So yeah, at the Freddie Bennett first. All my kind of, of my journeys, I will say as well, there has been the trilogy, so there was the desert, then the North Pole. I am Going to cap off the trilogy next year with the Amazon Jungle.
B
Oh, stop it. I loved the Amazon. Wow, What a wicked place.
A
The same again. 300 kilometers, five days carrying everything, and my venom pump on my back. Yeah. So running. Running the Amazon.
B
Because I'll be eyeballing your Instagram account for updates.
A
Definitely it's gonna be. I'm the kind of guy, like, mosquitoes really love me.
B
Oh, yeah.
A
If I'm there, they're all like, it tastes good.
B
Yeah.
A
Apparently the Mozzies say I taste good, so. But I do all this not. Not for the running or the. Or that kind of thing. I do it. It's good for my mental health, which I need to keep an eye on. But secondly, everyone tells kids that ADHD is a superpower. And I know as. Because I've been a child with adhd and I have a child with adhd. When it feels like life is falling apart, having someone pop up and say, oh, it's a superpower, really pisses me off. So, yeah, everyone tells kids that ADHD is a superpower. I always want to be the one that shows them what truly is possible. So. So, yeah, once again, I'm a bit. A bit older now than I was when I ran the. The Sahara. But, yeah, we're gonna give it one. One more. One more bash and. And run the Amazon next year, which is coming around way too fast.
B
It's awesome. I will link to all of your social media accounts, all the places people can come and find you and hang out in the show notes. And lastly, I just want to say thank you, Freddie, not only for coming on the podcast, I am so glad that we finally got to do this. I was very excited to have you on, but thank you for the work that you were doing as well, because it's. Yeah, thank you. It's so needed. So thank you.
A
Thank you. Sometimes it feels like a big mountain to climb. But I believe all of us, we can. We can all climb it together, and we can. We can reach this. This ADHD summit. That's for sure.
B
Hey, friend, if you want some more help navigating and thriving with ADHD and some help applying everything that you're learning here on the podcast, then head over to our website, navigating adultadhd.com.
Host: Xena Jones
Guest: Freddie Bennett (Managing Director, Bay Pediatrics)
Release Date: May 18, 2026
This compelling episode features guest Freddie Bennett, a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD, successful behavioral change expert, ultra-marathon runner, and father to a neurodiverse child. Together, Freddie and host Xena Jones dive deep into navigating life before and after an ADHD diagnosis, the realities of masking, the journey from "rock bottom," parenting as a neurodiverse parent, and Freddie's mission to revolutionize ADHD care in New Zealand. Expect candor, science-backed reflections, practical inspiration, and a call to embrace neurodiversity’s shadow and light.
Timestamps: [05:04] – [13:22]
Timestamps: [13:22] – [18:35]
Timestamps: [18:35] – [26:06]
Timestamps: [26:06] – [33:13]
Timestamps: [33:13] – [37:38]
Timestamps: [37:38] – [51:11]
Timestamps: [51:13] – [54:27]
This episode is both a rallying cry for acceptance and a practical guide for neurodiverse adults and parents. Freddie Bennett powerfully demonstrates that the path from struggle to thriving is not linear, but it is possible—and valuable.