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Navigating Adult ADHD
#172 ADHD & The Manual: The Invisible Expectations Destroying Your relationships
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You are listening to the Navigating Adult ADHD Podcast with your ADHD coach and expert, Xena. Hello, my friend. Happy podcast Tuesday, or whatever day you're listening, comes out on a Tuesday, at least here in New Zealand. I've never really thought about that. It would be a Monday in a lot of parts of the world, but New Zealand, we are in the future. Did you know that New Zealand is the first place to see the sunrise? Like our time zone is the island is the future. Or like the furthest ahead. Anyway, fascinating stuff. Not really, but it's not what we're here to talk about, my friend. We're going to navigate some adult ADHD today and we're actually following on from last week's episode about ADHD and friendship. If you haven't listened to that, it is not a prerequisite. But you may want to after you listen to this one, because we are going to talk about something that has been genuinely life changing for me and also really fcking annoying, if I'm being honest. Okay, you know when you learn a concept and part of you goes, holy shit, like, that's actually very powerful. And then another part of you goes, damn, like that kind of feels like a slap in the face. How dare you make me so aware of myself like this. Yeah, it's one of those. That is exactly how I feel about this topic today. So we are talking about the manual, okay? Not a manual for your washing machine. Not the IKEA manual that somehow has 57 steps and a mystery bolt left over at the end. We are talking about the invisible manual that we have for other people. The book of expectations. The secret rulebook, okay? This is the unspoken list of expectations that we carry around for how our friends, our partners, family members, colleagues, clients, random people on the Internet, how they should behave so that we can feel good. And the tricky part is that most of the time, the other person has absolutely no idea that this manual even exists. They have not seen it, they haven't agreed to it. They certainly have not signed on the dotted line. And yet when they don't follow it, we feel instantly like a sting. We feel that drop in our stomach, a wave of hurt. Well, you know, clearly they don't care about me. Or I knew it. Fine. I'll just have nothing to do with them ever again. Or maybe that friendship is dead to me and I'll be emotionally, you know, moving to another country with my cats. Yes, my friend, each of us, we carry a hidden book of expectations for every single person in our lives, okay? So let's start with what the manual actually is. Okay? A manual is basically an instruction guide that we have in our head for how we think that someone else should behave. Okay, it might sound a good friend should text me back on the same day or a good friend should remember my birthday. My partner should know when I'm overwhelmed and just offer to help. I shouldn't have to ask. My mum should ask me more questions about my life. My friend should be more excited when I share big news. My colleagues should use a warmer tone in their emails. My partner should notice when the rubbish bin is full. My family should understand that I'm not being dramatically. I'm actually at full capacity. And here's where this gets really sneaky because some of these things might be completely reasonable things to want, okay? Wanting care and kindness and support and, you know, good communication, thoughtfulness, honesty, affection, respect or help does not make you needy or ridiculous. That is not the problem here. The problem is when we have these expectations silently sitting in our head, we don't communicate them clearly. And then we make it mean something painful when the other person doesn't meet them. Because in our mind, in my mind, obviously, like, you should just know that, right? It feels so obvious to us. We think, yeah, surely they should just know. Surely they should know I needed more excitement. Surely they'd know that that was a hurtful thing to say. Surely they should know. You know, if I tell them I'm struggling that they should check in, surely that they should know that this was really important to me. Surely they should know that a one word reply to my vulnerable message is not what I needed. But the thing is that they often don't know, right? And even if these people do know, they may not respond the way our brain has decided that they should. And this is where shit can get messy. Because when somebody breaks a rule that they didn't even know existed, our brain does not automatically go, oh, oh, interesting. I wonder what happened. No, Especially with adhd, our brain is so quick to go to a full courtesan session and shit has hit the fan kind of place. Okay, so let's talk about why this can hit so hard for us ADHDers. Okay, first of all, many of us are incredibly fast meaning makers, right? Our brains work at lightning speed, sometimes really helpfully quick. Sometimes it's kind of like, please stop building a full legal case from one text message kind of quick. So let's say a friend doesn't reply in the way in which we had hoped. And instead of thinking, oh, she may have been busy. Our brain goes straight to, she doesn't care, she's pulling away. I'm too much. I shouldn't have said anything. This always happens. Or I knew I couldn't trust people. And then RSD can come storming in. Hello, Rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria. It's like a smoke alarm that's going off simply because somebody made some toast. That threat may be small, maybe it's unclear, or even not even a threat at all, right? But our nervous system can react as if the kitchen is on fire. The feeling can be huge. And because the feeling is huge, the thoughts feel so true. Okay? And that's the bit that we have to watch because the intensity of the feeling does not automatically mean that the story is accurate, okay? It just means that our nervous system is having a really big reaction. We are feeling our feelings on loud. And if you also have a manual in the background, it can make that reaction feel even more justified because your brain is saying, yeah, they should have known, they should not have done that. They should have responded differently. They should have understood, they should have cared more. They should have known they broke a rule and we are spiraling. Sound familiar? So let's bring this back to friendship because last week we talked about ADHD and friendship and I shared an example example of somebody sharing something really important with a friend and how that friend did not respond in the way in which they had hoped. So maybe you've shared big news. Maybe you've shared something that was really vulnerable. Maybe, you know, you sent a message that felt really important and the response you got back was underwhelming, not cruel, not awful, just not what you wanted. Maybe it was a short reply, maybe it was the thumbs up. I fcking hate the thumbs up. I am so quick. Like I have a manual around the thumbs up that, that should just be removed from, from like, like we could just erase it from the Internet, right? But maybe you got a thumbs up and you made that mean that they just don't care. Maybe it was just the delay in the reply. Maybe they sent a that's nice. When what you wanted was oh my gosh, tell me everything. And in the moment, in that moment, the ADHD brain can write a whole verdict so quickly, right? We can jump straight to they don't care. This friendship's one sided. I'm always there for them. They're never there for me. I'm done. Let's just let this die, okay? Now when we can understand the manual, we can see what has been happening Underneath, okay, the manual that we have might have said, when I share something important, a good friend should respond. Respond with warmth and excitement or curiosity and some emotional presence. Now again, that's not a bad thing to want. Of course we want our friends to care, right? We want to feel seen. We want people to show love for us, of course. But if that rule lives only in our head and the other person breaks it without knowing it exists, and then we decide that their response means that they don't care about us, we are going to end up in a shit ton of pain. Not because of the text message itself, but because of the meaning we have attached to it. Because we have handed over the emotional remote control for our lives to somebody else. Maybe the text was, oh, that's cool. But the meaning that we attributed to that was, wow, they really don't give a shit. And that meaning, the one that we have given, it hurts a lot. So when I first learned this concept, it was through my coaching school I certified back in 2016. But I learned about this concept, I think in 2015 when I first found my coaching school. And I remember having one of those moments where my brain went, oh no. Oh shit. Because I could suddenly see all of the places that I had manuals for people. I had manuals for my friends, I had manuals for my co workers, I had manuals for my parents, manuals for strangers on the street, manuals for how somebody should reply, what they should notice, what they should remember, how they should say things like their tone of voice right when they should check in with me, how excited they should be, how grateful they should sound and how quickly they should respond. Now again, some of those things are completely reasonable, understandable things to want. But what I could see was how often I was tying my emotional well being, like my emotions to whether or not another person behaved in the way my brain had decided that they should. And because I often hadn't communicated my expectations clearly, right? Like I had this manual, but I hadn't given them a copy of it. Imagine that somebody hands you the manual and you're like, can you read this please? This is how I want you to behave. Oh my God, that sounds exhausting, right? But of course, like I hadn't communicated any of these things. I wasn't even aware of them myself until I learned about this concept. I was setting us both up to fail. They were failing a test they didn't even know they were taking. And I'm sitting over here hurt, disappointed, resentful, and convinced that my pain is Just proof that they did something wrong. So learning about the manual helped me see something really uncomfortable. Other people's behaviour is not what determines how I feel. Ooh, I'm going to say that again a different way. What other people say and do does not determine how I feel. My thoughts about their behaviour determines how I feel. Now, before you, you go throwing this, you know, podcast across the room, just be mindful that you might be throwing your phone or your earbuds across the room, my friend. Okay, but just hit pause. Just, just wait. Just let me be very clear. I do want to be very clear in saying that this does not mean that people can treat you like shit and you just need to think nicer thoughts or attribute a better story to that. No. Hell no. Absolutely not. That's not what I'm saying. Okay, so I'm just gonna say it again. Other people's behavior is not what creates our feelings. What other people say and do doesn't determine how we feel. It's the story that we give it, it's what we make it mean, what we think about it. Okay, but at the same time, I want to be very clear that we're not using this concept to gaslight ourselves. We're not using it to excuse harmful behavior or disrespectful, manipulative, abusive behavior. No, we still get to have boundaries. In fact, I'm going to talk about the difference between a manual and boundaries later on in this episode. Okay, so that we're very clear, right? You still get to decide who has access to you. You still get to say this relationship doesn't feel good for me. You still get to leave. You get to limit contact, speak up, ask for what you need, change how much you invest in someone or something. Okay, but there's a big difference between a boundary and a manual. Okay? A manual says you need to behave this way so that I can feel good. Okay? You need to take out the rubbish so that I can feel good. You need to ask if I'm okay. You need to reply to my message. You need to understand my ADHD so that I can feel good, so that I can feel happy, I can feel content, loved, what have you. A boundary says you get to behave however you choose. And I will decide what I do to take care of my own mental, emotional and physical well being. Okay? That distinction is everything. Again, Emmanuel says you need to behave this way so that I can feel good. And a boundary says that you get to behave however you choose. I understand. I can't control you. Right? And I will decide what I do to take care of my own mental, emotional and physical well being. Okay? So again, that distinction is so important. So one of the ways I like to think about the manual is kind of like a vending machine, right? Imagine you put money into a vending machine. You press the button for a Kit Kat bar, like a chocolate bar, right? The Kit Kat. And nothing comes out rude. So what do you do? You press the button again. Still nothing. You press harder. You press it seven more times. You jiggle the little flap at the bottom, right? You bend down, you kind of like peer in and look up at it. Maybe you like nudge it. You like nudge it with your hip or kind of try and shake the machine. You start negotiating, you tell the vending machine, hey, I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Give me my damn chocolate bar. And what happens? The vending machine just stands there, completely unbothered, emotionally unavailable. Okay? That's what it can feel like when we are trying to get people to follow our manuals. This book of rules and expectations we have for how they should behave. We keep pressing the same button, hoping that it's going to give us the feeling we want. Hopefully hoping they're going to do the thing we want them to do so that we can feel good. Text me back so I can feel secure, right? Be excited so that I can feel important. Remember this thing so that I can feel loved. Check in with me so I can feel cared for. Apologise in exactly the right way so that I can feel okay again. And when they don't, we press harder. We explain more, we hint. Maybe we withdraw and give them the silent treatment. Or we get really resentful. Maybe we get rude and short tempered. But people are not vending machines. And to be fair, neither are we, right? People don't always have the capacity, the awareness, the emotional language, the timing, the personality, the nervous system or communication skills to give us exactly what we want, exactly the way we want it. And that doesn't mean they don't care. Sometimes it means that they don't know how. Sometimes it means that they care differently. Sometimes it means that they're having their own very human drama and chaos going on. Sometimes it means that they're not the person to go to for that particular need. And sometimes, yes, it might mean that we do reassess a relationship, but we can only do that clearly when we stop trying to force the vending machine to give us something it may not have or may not want to give us. Okay, now, the part that makes the manual so hard is that it often feels very justified. Okay? Because your brain's gonna say, yeah, but a good friend should text back or ring me back when they've missed a call from me. Right? But a partner should help around the house, or a family should be supportive, or people should just be kind. They should know that that mattered to me. And honestly, sometimes I agree. Right? There are things that are kind. There are things that are considerate. There are things that make relationships healthier. Yes. The point is not that we shouldn't have standards. The point is that we don't want to live like an emotional doormat. The point is that your peace cannot depend entirely on someone else behaving exactly the way you want. It's like, you know, making them in charge of your emotional life. Okay? And most of the time, they don't even know they've been given that job. Right? That is over there eating toast, replying badly to texts, forgetting birthdays because, hi, they probably have adhd, too. Loading the dishwasher like a raccoon on drugs. Not naming names, but m, Maybe loads the dishwasher that way. Right. It's kind of like we give them the remote control for how we feel, and they don't even realize that they have it. Right. That's what a manual is when we've handed over the remote control for how we feel to them. Okay? And this is where late diagnosis can be really relevant, too, because so many of us, we grew up feeling misunderstood. We've. We've. You know, we feel like we've been too much too sensitive, too intense, too emotional, too needy, too disorganized, too chaotic or somehow wrong. So when someone doesn't respond the way we had hoped, it can hit an old bruise. It's not just, my friend didn't reply. It becomes, here we go again. I just don't matter. It's not just, oh, my partner didn't notice that I was overwhelmed. It becomes, no one ever sees how hard I'm trying. It's not just my family didn't ask about my diagnosis. It becomes, oh, they don't accept me. That is why this work matters. Because the manual isn't just about expectations. It's about the meaning that we attach when those expectations aren't met. Okay, my friend, so what the heck do you do? What do you do about this? Well, first of all, just being aware that we each have this, you know, giant book of rules, this giant manual for each of the people in our lives. Like, this is Just very helpful to be aware of. Just knowing. Knowing this was a massive game changer for me just learning about this. Okay? But also I'm gonna give you three simple steps. Not 73, right? Not a printable workbook, just three things that you can play with when you notice that sting of hurt, the anger, the resentment or the disappointment. All right, so number one, name the rule. The very first thing we want to do is ask, what rule did I just decide that they broke? Okay, this is a really powerful question because often the rule is invisible until we name it. You might realise that you had a rule that said, well, she should have replied faster or he should have sounded more interested. They should have remembered that I've had a really hard week. My friend should ask follow up questions. My partner should know I need help without me having to ask that last one. That's one that I have definitely noticed, I have for my partner, M. That he should notice I need help when I'm overwhelmed. That is something that I'm very well aware of in my own life. Maybe. You see, Emmanuel is. My family should understand my ADHD by now. Right again. Name the rule. What is the rule that you think they have broken? What's this expectation that you have for how they should behave, what they should say, what they should do? Maybe it's my friend should invite me, even if I say no. And once you write it down, you might have one of two reactions. Sometimes you will think, yeah, that actually does really matter to me. That's very important. I want to communicate that in a loving and kind way. Right? Or other times you might think, wow, okay, that's a very specific rule I never told anybody about. Or you might sort of think, okay, yeah, actually if we were to flip that, I probably wouldn't have remembered or I might have done what they did, or I wouldn't want to behave that way either. Right? Okay. So again, there's no shame here. We all do this, every single human on the planet. I see this so loudly for those of us with adhd, right? But by naming it, our ability to name this unspoken rule, maybe a spoken rule, but the ability to name the manual we have for this person gives us space. And space is where choice lives. Okay? Number two. Step number two is swap that verdict for curiosity, okay? Because your ADHD brain is probably going to hand you the worst interpretation first, very fast, very confidently, okay? But before you accept that first story as fact, just try to generate a few other possibilities. For example, she didn't respond with excitement, right? So when you See that the story might become. Well, she just doesn't care then. But what else could be true here? Maybe she is overwhelmed. Maybe she read it while walking into a meeting. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe she thought she was being supportive. Maybe she's not a big emotional responder over text. Maybe she's dealing with something big in her life that she hasn't told me about. Maybe she cares, but she's just really rubbish at showing it in a way in which I need or want right now. That does not mean that you gaslight yourself, okay? It just means that you don't let your brain's very first dramatic draft become the final novel, right? The final published thing. So curiosity is so helpful because it helps to loosen the grip. It takes us away from, you know, this means they don't care to. Oh, okay. Well, I wonder what else could be going on here. And that shift is huge. So number three, make the request, but remember to take your emotional remote control back. Okay? So you can make the request, but we don't want to hand your remote control for your emotional life over to somebody else because that's what we often do with the manual. We silently say, I need you to do this so I can feel okay? I need you to reply like this so I can feel loved. I need you to remember that so that I can feel important. I need you to validate me so that I can feel secure. And suddenly someone else has the remote control for how you feel. If they press the right button, you feel good. If they press the wrong button, you spiral. Right? This is why having manuals can be so exhausting. Because our wellbeing becomes dependent on someone else's behavior and them doing exactly what we want. That's a very shaky place to live, my friend. Okay? However, it doesn't mean you can't ask for what you want. You absolutely can. Right? You can say, hey, when I share big news. It would mean a lot to me if you asked me a couple of questions about it or when I'm overwhelmed. I know I can look like I'm coping, but usually I'm not. It would really help if you asked, do you need some help, or would you like me to listen as you vent? That's actually something I've taught him to do, is sometimes I'll be, like, venting about something that maybe I'm struggling with or it feels maybe overwhelming for me or what have you. And he'll be trying to fix it or solve it. And I have actually said to him, hey, when I share something like that with you, it would be really helpful to me if you could just say, do you want me to offer solutions or do you just want to be heard? Right? Because often he tries to fix it. He jumps into fix it mode because he wants me to feel better, of course, but I've taught him, actually, no, sometimes I just want you to listen to me so that I can feel heard. That's all. Okay? So another example here is, I know texting isn't always your thing, but when I send something vulnerable and I don't hear back, my brain can be very quick to make up stories. So even if you are able to reply with, hey, I'll get back to you later, that would really help me, right? So of course you can still ask for what you want. Be honest, you know, be clear. That is healthy communication. But here's the key thing, my friend. You make that request with no strings attached, right? So what I mean by that is you don't make the request and then secretly decide. And if you don't do that, it really does mean that you don't care about me, right? That's the string. That's the sneaky little emotional tripwire. Because when we make requests with strings, they are not requests, they are demands. A request is, hey, this is something I would really love. Emmanuel, right, says, you need to do this so that I can feel good. And if you don't, I'm going to make it mean something really painful about me, about you, and about our relationship. Okay? And we have to be honest with ourselves here. Do we actually want someone to behave a certain way if they don't want to think about that for a minute? Like, do we want someone to check in with us because they genuinely care or because they are scared of getting it wrong? Do we want someone to say the right words because they mean them or because they've been trained like some emotional puppet? It, right? Like, do you want someone in your life that you love and care about to do something that they don't actually want to do? Because that part can get a little bit uncomfortable. I gotta be honest, because when we are deep in Emmanuel, we can actually accidentally sort of slide into this puppet energy, like puppet master energy, right? We want them to move like this, to say this, to notice this, to respond like this, to care. Exactly this way. And if they don't, we try and tug and yank at the strings harder, right? We're trying to control the way that they behave, what they say and do, but there's no Connection. And to be honest, most of us don't actually want that. We don't want people to perform, you know, care for us under emotional threat. We want genuine care. We want real connection, real honesty. So again, we can make the request, right? Tell people what matters to you. Tell people what support looks like for you. Because spoiler alert, like, most people are not mind readers. Mm. Right? And ADHD brains can have some very specific operating instructions. But then let other people be themselves. Let them do what they want to do. And instead of using that information to attack yourself, you can use it to make decisions. You might decide, okay, this friend loves me, but she's not in my deep emotional processing, friendship group, right? Or my partner does care, but I need to be very direct when I need help from him because I can't just expect him to notice. That's one that I have, right? M definitely cares, but what he sees and what I see are two very different things. So I need to be direct when I need help. I need to ask him very directly, very specifically for what I need. Right? Or another example, this person is important to me, but I need to stop giving, going to them for support that they are not able to give. Okay? Now that is very different from sitting in resentment, from waiting for someone to become some version of themself that you've, you know, created in your head. So this is where we take back that emotional remote. We stop saying, you have to behave differently so I can feel better and we start saying, okay, you can behave however you're going to behave. And I get to decide what I think, how I feel and what I choose to do in response. That, my friend, is power. Like the calm, grounded, I'm no longer outsourcing my entire emotional life to your texting habits kind of power. Okay? So let's talk for a second about manuals versus boundaries. I want to make this really clear because I know that this can get twisted. And in, you know, coaching people and teaching this concept, I have seen it get twisted. So letting go of the manual that you have for someone does not mean having no boundaries, okay? It does not mean that you tolerate poor treatment. It does not mean staying in relationships where you're constantly hurt or dismissed or disrespected or unsafe. Okay? A manual is about trying to control someone else's behaviour so you can feel good, so you can feel okay, alright? A boundary is about deciding what you will do to take care of yourself. So a manual might sound like, my friend should never cancel plans last minute because it makes me Feel rejected. Okay, a boundary might sound like if someone repeatedly cancels last minute, I may stop making one on one plans with them and invite them to group things instead. Okay, A manual might sound like my partner should notice when I'm overwhelmed and offer to help. Whereas a boundary or a request will sound like I'm going to tell my partner clearly when I need help and if the household load continues to be unequal, I will decide what support or changes I will make. Another manual might sound like my family should understand my ADHD and validate my experience. Whereas a boundary might sound like I am not going to talk to my family about my adhd. If they dismiss me, I can choose who gets access to that part of me. Okay, Again, it's what we do to protect our own mental, emotional and physical well being. That is what a boundary is. So on a very basic level, if you were in a meeting, for example, and your boss started to yell at you, you would say to your boss, please stop yelling at me. Okay? That's the request. You can make the request, but your boss is going to do what your boss is going to do. So if they continue to yell at you, the thing you might do to take care of yourself is get up and leave the room. Okay? So it's what you do to take care of your own physical, mental and emotional well being. So boundaries give you, you know, they put the power back with you, Emmanuel hands your power over to someone else, and then you get really pissed at them when they don't use it properly. All right, so here is what I want to invite you to do this week. Think of one person in your life. Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's your partner, a family member, a colleague, whoever comes to mind. And ask yourself, what are three things that I secretly want this person to do so that I can feel better? Maybe you want them to call you more. Maybe you want them to ask more questions about your life. Maybe you want your partner to be more romantic, to reply faster to messages. Maybe you want them to be more interested in your ADHD diagnosis, to learn more about it. Maybe you want them to stop giving you advice and just listen. Sound familiar? Yeah, that was me. Maybe you want them to remember the thing that you told them last week, right? Write those things down and then ask, have I actually communicated this clearly? I would also add a caveat to that. Have you communicated it enough? And I know that that's very broad, but I think about those of us with adhd. Sometimes my partner will tell me things and I forget. And it's not that I don't care. It's because, again, all humans forget. Those of us with adhd, poor working memory means that we forget things more than our neurotypical friends. Okay, so you may have communicated it once six years ago, or you may have communicated it three months ago or last week, but have you communicated it in a way in which they have heard and been able to take in that information? Okay, and this is the next question that's so important to ask yourself. You know those three things that you just wrote down, those three things that you really secretly want that person to do so you can feel good? What are you making it mean when they don't do those things? That is a big one. Because that's where the pain comes from, right? The pain is coming from the story, from what you're making it mean. You make it mean they don't care. I'm not important. I'm too much. I always get forgotten. I have to do everything by myself, right? So once you see that story, you can start to question it. And that's so powerful. You can decide whether you want to make a clear request. You can decide whether you want to adjust your expectations. You can decide whether or not you want that person to actually behave that way, even if they don't want to. Right? Once you can see that manual, it's kind of like you've turned on this. This glaring light in a dark room that you didn't realize it was dark and now you can't unsee it. Okay? So there is so much freedom in this, my friend. When you stop trying to enforce rules and expectations that nobody agreed to, you stop being at the mercy of somebody else's behavior, you get your power back, and you get that remote control to your emotional life back. This is so powerful. If ever I invited you to like or recommended that you listen to an episode twice, hell yes, I'm going to say it for this one. This is one of those ones that I know I have really had to marinate in and come back to this concept time and time again because it has been a game changer for my relationships. Okay. All right, my friend. Huge, huge love. Take care. I'll speak to you next week. Hey, friend, if you want some more help navigating and thriving with ADHD and some help applying everything that you're learning here on the podcast, then head over to our website, navigating adultadhd.com.