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Jamie Lang
Well, winky dink to all ya winky dinks out there. Welcome to Nearly Parents. My name is Jamie, and this is.
Sophie Lang
My name is Sophie.
Jamie Lang
And on the menu today, Sophie cries over my hair.
Sophie Lang
Jamie eats a whole 12 person shepherd's pie in one evening.
Jamie Lang
We do a little bit of role play, phone sex. Get ready for that.
Sophie Lang
And of course, we've got Lister's messages.
Jamie Lang
And before we start, remember to subscribe to the show and enjoy it. And welcome to Nearly Barons. Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? Wish I would stop thinking so much.
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Sophie Lang
You're not alone.
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Sophie Lang
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Sophie Lang
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Jamie Lang
Hello, I'm Jamie Lang.
Sophie Lang
And I'm Sophie Lang.
Jamie Lang
And we've been married for two years.
Sophie Lang
And we're having a baby.
Jamie Lang
Yes, we are.
Sophie Lang
Are you ready?
Jamie Lang
Let's go. Well, welcome back, you fellow people.
Sophie Lang
Welcome back, you filthy animals.
Jamie Lang
You're filthy. You better get it. Hey, scrub those armpits. Get in the bathtub. Run a hot, hot, hot, bubbly bath. Bubble, bubble, bubble.
Sophie Lang
I've never, ever been happier that it's autumn and winter. I am roasting since I am pregnant. Like guys, I walk out the house in nothing and I within five minutes, I'm Dripping in sweat. And I. I just can't believe that people live like this because so many of my friends used to be like, I'm so hot. And I'd be like, are you okay, hon? It's minus 10. I'm racing and it's unbearable.
Jamie Lang
I have this all the time.
Sophie Lang
Hot blooded, filthy animal.
Jamie Lang
I'm a filthy, filthy animal.
Sophie Lang
Yeah, Filthy.
Jamie Lang
Oh, honey, honey, honey. Look, before we get into our show today, got a big question for you. What things do you do that are embarrassing but shouldn't be embarrassing? For example?
Sophie Lang
Oh, you've got them.
Jamie Lang
When you start a run and someone's watching. You know when you go outside and you go on a jog and you start a jog, starting that run weirdly is embarrassing when everyone's watching you.
Sophie Lang
I know, it's really embarrassing. It's really embarrassing. Me running in general is highly embarrassing. I don't quite know how to run.
Jamie Lang
The other one, which I thought was embarrassing of the day. When you get into a bath, as you have to lower yourself into a bath, that's embarrassing. And I don't know why is it embarrassing, but it is.
Sophie Lang
It is embarrassing. Oh, my God, this is so fun. I've got them on the tip of my tongue, but I can't think.
Jamie Lang
Really embarrassing thing which shouldn't be embarrassing is when you have to go up and get food from a buffet.
Sophie Lang
What's really embarrassing is when you go to the airport on your own.
Jamie Lang
Yep.
Sophie Lang
And you go into prayer and everyone's eating their breakfast and then you go and get your porridge and then you scan the room looking for a seat. That firstly, is embarrassing. The scanning the room when there's no seats. Secondly, you find it and then you sit down and then you peel open that pill and you have to eat your food on your own whenever. I don't know why it's embarrassing, but it's hellishly embarrassing.
Jamie Lang
Is that embarrassing?
Sophie Lang
Yes. Do you not find that embarrassing?
Jamie Lang
Not one bit.
Sophie Lang
Well, I don't find going to a buffet embarrassing at all. A buffet?
Jamie Lang
I. I love eating by myself. Like, eating by myself is amazing. I go to the cinema by myself.
Sophie Lang
That's embarrassing.
Jamie Lang
How is that embarrassing?
Sophie Lang
So what's embarrassing? You've started this weird game that I don't understand why we're playing.
Jamie Lang
All right. When you climb over a fence and it starts to wobble, who climbs over a fence?
Sophie Lang
Who are you running from?
Jamie Lang
I'm just running, but not running from anyone.
Sophie Lang
I don't find climbing over a fence and it wobbles embarrassing.
Jamie Lang
When you're drinking a tea and you go, oh, that's hot.
Sophie Lang
That is embarrassing. And it should be embarrassing. And it's also icky.
Jamie Lang
Oh, it's hot.
Sophie Lang
But that is embarrassing.
Momentous / Rubrik Advertiser
It's not really.
Jamie Lang
It shouldn't be embarrassing, but it is embarrassing.
Sophie Lang
No, it is embarrassing because your inner self knows that you slurping on your tea is not cool.
Jamie Lang
Can we also establish this, ladies and gentlemen? I want anyone to comment about this. I went and got my hair a little bit dyed and Sophie cried.
Sophie Lang
I want to ask you listeners, how many times on this podcast has Jamie sworn and promised to me that he will never do it again? That my friend is distasteful and distrustful and it is a lying bad foundation to our relationship. And they all know.
Jamie Lang
I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you cried over it.
Sophie Lang
Okay, I don't. Because let me tell you, when you came in with your hair so slicked back like Draco Malfoy and massive size, and it was only way to describe it as Boris Johnson, there is no other hair that looks like that other than you and Boris. No one has that tone. No one has that tint. And our baby's first viewer of you is going to be. The baby's going to start crying because the baby's going to be so scared of your hair.
Jamie Lang
The baby is not going to be scared of my hair. The baby is going to love me.
Sophie Lang
The baby will not like that hair.
Jamie Lang
The baby will love my hair.
Sophie Lang
I hope the baby does grab hold of your hair and pulls out strand by strand of that straw like hair. So I want you to say now, so are we just let's, let's put all the cards on the table. You are not. Don't lie again. So you're never going to be natural. You're always forever going to beach blonde your hair and dye it this awful, awful shade of straw.
Jamie Lang
I'm not always going to dye it. No, don't lie.
Sophie Lang
You need honesty here. We've got lots of listeners and they're all, all going to come to my defense when you next come on. And it's dyed.
Jamie Lang
It's not.
Sophie Lang
So forevermore you will diet. I don't know until you're 80 years old, you'll be like that man. And there is a man who I see who has, you know, the glued on bit at the front.
Jamie Lang
A toupee.
Sophie Lang
He has a toupee and he's like, it's shaggy. It's very Boris Johnson esque. And he cruises around Notting Hill area and I do often Think, well, that's what I've got for my future and I just want to, like, set the standards.
Jamie Lang
Oh, my God. Do you hate it that much?
Sophie Lang
No, I really like it when it's natural. Like, I think your hair natural so nice. This I don't hate, but I don't love it. That's my very diplomatic answer.
Jamie Lang
Well, I love everything about you. Can we also establish this, which I did not realize, is that we're in the taxi coming over here and I didn't realize in pregnancy the constipation is bad.
Sophie Lang
You did because we've spoken about it. Half of this podcast have we really, guys, this is what I deal with. My husband doesn't listen to a word I say. It is unacceptable. We have spent hours and hours. They are on social media, they are on TikTok, they are in the press about how I cannot shit pregnant. And you have just, at this late stage, clocked onto. Cannot be possible.
Jamie Lang
You went because he said. I went. I went in the taxi. God, I need the bathroom. You went, I haven't shat in three days.
Sophie Lang
I don't know shat. I don't ever shat shat myself.
Jamie Lang
Sorry. You haven't. I haven't defecated.
Sophie Lang
No, I didn't. You said, I haven't.
Jerry Insurance Advertiser
Oh, my God.
Sophie Lang
I haven't been for a pooj. I said, well, welcome to the club. I haven't been in five days. Like, yes, that is mental. I had a really nice second trimester where, like, everything was good and it's just not anymore. Everything's very cramped at the moment.
Jamie Lang
Oh, man.
Sophie Lang
What? Oh, man.
Jamie Lang
I really. Do I not listen?
Sophie Lang
No, I really do. I really wanna, like. I really need to have like a proper deep DMT with like, everyone who works in Jamport, because I just can't imagine for even 5min working with you other than, like, I work, like, in this capacity, but, like, really, like, do you listen to anyone?
Jamie Lang
Everyone. I listen to everyone. Listen to exactly.
Sophie Lang
It's the glaze that goes over and you just think, I've lost him. But you'll be like, yeah, man. Yeah, buddy, I get that. It's so cool. You even said to me sometimes you're like, yeah, man, I get it. I'm like, I'm your wife. I don't even think you know who you're talking to right now. You're a little bit stressed. He's feeling a bit stressed.
Jamie Lang
Guys, I'm not any stress at all. I'm a. I'm tired. I'm a little bit tired. But I'm not stressed. I'm really actually not.
Sophie Lang
We're tired because we keep going to the hospital.
Jamie Lang
Can we, can we talk about it? Because it, because it's, it's, it's, I think everyone has this, and I'm sure they do, everyone in their first pregnancy. Because it is, it's, it's nerve wracking. And because you, you, you have this beautiful baby growing on you and you want everything to be okay.
Sophie Lang
And that's very unpredictable. Like, it's so unpredictable.
Jamie Lang
It's so unknown. And so we did wake up at 5 in the morning, maybe 4:30 in the morning. 5. I'd had a couple of brewskis the night before.
Sophie Lang
So I was, he had had many.
Jamie Lang
Brewskis, had a couple of brewski. So I was, I woke up again, I thought I was in war. And I was like, what the hell's going on? Like what? I woke up with a fright. And you said, I think, you know, you want to go to hospital because you want to check because you hadn't felt the baby kick, which is so understandable. That happens to so many people. And so we, I was like, don't worry, let's go. We get in the car, we drive all the way to the hospital. As we're about to walk into the hospital, he went, felt the baby kick.
Sophie Lang
No joke, guys. I literally pulled up at the hostel. I get out the door, I'm like this, to the door, knock. And I go, oh, there's the baby, there's the baby. And then it was literally like, kick. And I was like, ah. I know.
Jamie Lang
Still went in though.
Sophie Lang
Still went in, still got checked. But you know what? Better be safe than sorry. I say 100.
Jamie Lang
100, 100. The other thing which I find, which is hilarious is we went out for a little date night together and it had a little restaurant which was just amazing, where we had lots of food with a couple of our friends.
Sophie Lang
Oh yeah.
Jamie Lang
And we had such a wonderful time. And then our friends and I were like, should we just go downstairs to the bar bit? We walked in there, little bit of music being played. It was quite nice. Every single person was just staring at Sophie.
Sophie Lang
Guys, it was like I was an avatar.
Jamie Lang
Every single person.
Sophie Lang
I just want to set the scene. This isn't just a bar. Jamie took me to a nightclub and again, he had had a couple brewskis and he wanted the night to carry on. The live music was blari my ears off. I was like, I, I, I need to put a pillow over my stomach and Jamie's dancing on the tables and everyone's. Not everyone is coming up to us basically being like, oh, my God. Like, well done for being out. Like, well done. How are you doing it? And I was like, I am so embarrassed. I need to leave immediately.
Jamie Lang
We were in there for two minutes. Let's caveat that.
Sophie Lang
Well, you had a whole drink, but.
Jamie Lang
Yeah, I did not have a drink in there.
Sophie Lang
Yes, you did.
Jamie Lang
I did not have anything.
Sophie Lang
Yes, you did. Because we spent an hour trying to pay, remember?
Jamie Lang
We did. I had a drink in there.
Sophie Lang
We had a drink.
Jamie Lang
I had a drink in there. But it was just hilarious watching you walk around and everyone just staring at you going like, oh, my God. They were just fascinated that you were there with the baby.
Sophie Lang
I know, fascinated. I actually was really shocked at how fascinated people were. But I'm also going to preempt this. This was like an OG club that's not really around anymore. Like, it was essentially like people were partying and we should not have been there. I needed to be at home with my feet up.
Jamie Lang
Well, I tell you what, let's keep doing that because the more I spend at home, the more I keep eating. I ate a family sized shepherd's pie to myself.
Sophie Lang
You didn't. I ate one third as a snack.
Jamie Lang
I ate two thirds of a family shepherd's pie.
Sophie Lang
A family. It was actually the recipe served 12 and I ate a third and you ate two thirds all in one day.
Jamie Lang
I reckon it was. I reckon the shepherd's pie was as big as my torso.
Sophie Lang
Yeah, for sure.
Jamie Lang
The. The tray.
Sophie Lang
And it was delicious. I've craved it ever since that went in my mouth. I actually. Can I just say, I think shepherd's pie used to kind of gross me out as Jamie's favorite food. He just eats mints. Like, Jamie loves mints. We all know that. I think that might be what my pregnancy body wants. Like that shepherd's pie. Whoa.
Jamie Lang
Good.
Sophie Lang
Unbelievable.
Jamie Lang
Yeah, get it down.
Sophie Lang
Yeah, you get it down. Yeah.
Jamie Lang
Me. That is not you.
Sophie Lang
Oh, spiteful boy.
Jamie Lang
Oh, God. Honey. Back to you, baby. How are you feeling, my lovely little goat?
Sophie Lang
A little bit tired. How are you feeling, goatee?
Jamie Lang
I'm feeling good. Apart from it's quite hard to sometimes sleep in the bed with you because honestly, you're roly poly in that bed the whole time at the moment. But I think that's because of pregnancy. That's what I think.
Sophie Lang
I'm like averaging five hours sleep max. It's a real nightmare.
Jamie Lang
Is that what it's saying on your.
Sophie Lang
In 4 hours 58 last night.
Jamie Lang
So what happens? Explain this to me. So you just wake up on the hour, every hour?
Sophie Lang
Well, I need a wee every sort of hour, which is really annoying now. And also every time I lie on my side, I get like trapped nerves in my hip on like the back pain is so bad that it wakes me up from the pain. So then I flip the other side and I get a sweet relief for about an hour and then that pain hits again and then I flip. But each time I flip it's a real. It's a real palava, isn't it? It's like flipping a warthog in the bed is like awful. And like I flip the pregnancy pillow like it's the pregnant. I lie there, the pregnancy pillow. And then I flip my enormous, enormous body round to the side.
Jamie Lang
So we said that she feels like all her nerves and her bum have gone and that her hip is dislocated at all times. That's what it feels like. And I was like, oh my God, that feels like a lot.
Sophie Lang
Yeah. Only recently though, like I really. I think I'm having like another growth spur.
Jamie Lang
And I also think that I imagine this is what happens when you're having a bit of a growth spurt. I imagine that also drains the energy from you.
Sophie Lang
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
Do you know it must do, right?
Sophie Lang
Because I think so. Yeah.
Jamie Lang
Exhaustion, all of the thing is going into the baby. Everything's happening there. So it just feels like, you know, there's a lot going on. Your body is like changing, keeps changing. You have all these different pains. I don't think anyone really talks about this from a, from a guy point of view. It is really like nerve wracking. Like you just want you to be comfortable at all times and it's quite hard. Like when I feel you rolling in bed at night, I'm like, oh God. I'm constantly thinking if you're comfortable, it's a lot.
Sophie Lang
You're snoring next to me.
Jamie Lang
I'm not snoring next to you. You are going back to this thing, right?
Sophie Lang
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
I think from a guy. Because with all your girlfriends who are pregnant or have babies, do you guys talk a lot?
Sophie Lang
I don't have that many friends who are pregnant. I have two friends who are pregnant and we do talk a lot actually. And do you all got very itchy tummies?
Jamie Lang
Explain.
Sophie Lang
You know when your hands swell up when you've been skiing?
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Sophie Lang
You've ever been skiing. And then you get down and then like your hands are a bit swollen from the Altitude.
Jamie Lang
Isn't that from. I think that's when you.
Sophie Lang
You're in a plane and then they're a bit itchy. Plane? Yeah, when you're playing Circulation.
Jamie Lang
No, on a plane, you get off the plane, your feet are swollen.
Sophie Lang
Not if you wear compression socks.
Jamie Lang
Not if you wear compression socks. I get it. Okay. So you think that there's a lot of, like, swelling and something going on and that's what's doing it.
Sophie Lang
No, I don't think there's swelling, but there's a baby inside me and a placenta. That's what I think is going on.
Jamie Lang
We're getting to that position, guys. At the moment, whoever's listening and me following this journey, we're just excited.
Sophie Lang
We're unorganized and unprepared is what I would. I would say. No, we really actually are Now. Now. Now we really are. And I'm not pissing about. We really.
Jamie Lang
What are we unorganized about?
Sophie Lang
We are really. I don't want to expose us, but we are hellishly unorganized.
Jamie Lang
Give me one thing.
Sophie Lang
There is no one in our position who has a little. As little stuff as we do or has learned as little stuff as we do. No.
Jamie Lang
Okay, go. Why don't you test me on anything and I'll be able to tell you straight away. You think I don't know things? I know everything. Okay, go on.
Sophie Lang
How many hours a day do they sleep?
Jamie Lang
They sleep well. It's up to the baby how much they sleep.
Sophie Lang
How do you. How do you hold a newborn?
Jamie Lang
You hold protecting its neck because it can't hold its head up.
Sophie Lang
What temperature do they sleep in?
Jamie Lang
34 degrees. No, that's really hot. That's body temperature. 21 degrees? No, 16 degrees.
Sophie Lang
How do you check their temperature?
Jamie Lang
Use a thermometer.
Sophie Lang
How do you cut their nails and toenails? What? Yeah.
Jamie Lang
You don't cut baby's hair.
Sophie Lang
Yes, you do.
Jamie Lang
No, you do not.
Sophie Lang
You do. There is a baby inside me now with fingernails.
Jamie Lang
That's why you don't cut them.
Sophie Lang
Yeah, you do. You cut them. You have, like, a little. Don't you, Magda? Yeah. Because otherwise they can, like, scratch themselves. Yeah. Keep them really short. And that's why they have mittens. Mittens. You can. And all the baby grows. You put that some of them have, like, mittens so that they don't scratch themselves at night because their skin is so, so, so sensitive.
Jamie Lang
This is absolutely freaking wild.
Sophie Lang
And also what I would like to know is what? You have to be careful about hair and babies.
Jamie Lang
They can swallow the hair?
Sophie Lang
No.
Jamie Lang
Oh. It can be right around their finger and stop the circulation.
Sophie Lang
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
Papa knows what he's talking about.
Sophie Lang
Papa's got a brand new car.
Jamie Lang
Let's go. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I tell you what, let's get into it. It's time for Dictionary. Dictionary. Dictionary Corner.
Sophie Lang
Pregnancy Edition.
Jamie Lang
Pregnancy Edition.
Sophie Lang
I have some words for you that are pregnancy and birth related and I want you to tell me what they mean.
Jamie Lang
Give it to me.
Sophie Lang
Dizzia dysgeusia, a common condition primarily in the first trimester, causing an unpleasant, often metallic or sour taste in the mouth due to hormonal changes. I really wish I got that. I didn't get that. But your mum had it the whole time.
Jamie Lang
Metallic taste.
Sophie Lang
People taste like metallic.
Jamie Lang
They taste metal stuff. Yes, my mum did have this.
Sophie Lang
Yeah. And loads of people do. And it really help. It's when people really suffer with, like, morning sickness, I think. And, like, food tastes gross and you have, like, loads of food aversions because you're like, everything tastes of blood. Okay. Lucoria, Luke Oreo.
Jamie Lang
I have no idea. Give it to me.
Sophie Lang
Lucoria, is the time for thin Milky Way. Oh. Time for thin milky white, odorless vaginal discharge. That is normal and expected symptom of pregnancy increasing as the pregnancy progressives to protect the mother and fetus from infection.
Jamie Lang
Has that been happening to you?
Sophie Lang
I will keep that one personal and close to me.
Jamie Lang
That means it has been happening because otherwise you'd say no.
Sophie Lang
Well, it should happen, apparently. But yes. There are lots of weird things that happen in pregnancy and it's not pleasant. I will say.
Jamie Lang
How is the old vag? Nowhere. That came out of nowhere. Sorry. Oh, my God. That came out of nowhere.
Sophie Lang
What do you mean? Well, it's not blue and it's not puffy anymore.
Jamie Lang
Is it all right?
Sophie Lang
I think so. I can't. I can't see it.
Jamie Lang
I haven't seen it for years, but.
Sophie Lang
Apparently I. I went to a bait. My cousin's baby shower and I was talking about the. They, like, loads of her friends had just had, like, three months old. They were so cute. Anyway, I was saying, did you do that Perry perineal massage? And all of them were like, yeah, yeah. My husband loved doing it. Like, it's not a joke. You genuinely have to do it. I'll do it. I said, God, I think I'll do that myself. I don't think I'll get Jamie to. And they were like, is it weird you can't reach?
Jamie Lang
Is it weird if I do the perennial massage? While masturbating.
Sophie Lang
I. No, it's not what I thought you're gonna say it's worse. You said something way worse.
Jamie Lang
What do you think I was gonna say?
Sophie Lang
I thought you're gonna say over your anus or something. Is that worse?
Jamie Lang
You want me to perineal massage your anus? I don't know, spread your anus.
Sophie Lang
Oh, God, enough.
Jamie Lang
What the hell are you talking about?
Sophie Lang
No, but supposedly I'm actually a born again virgin.
Jamie Lang
I'm actually. I'm gonna talk about it. I'm a born again virgin.
Sophie Lang
So am I.
Jamie Lang
Mate, mate. I'm a born again virgin. I actually, like. I don't. I think that, like, cell has left my body. I'm like back to being like, oh, I don't really even think about sex. I don't think about it.
Sophie Lang
You needed to do a detox.
Jamie Lang
Doesn't cross my mind. Don't think about it.
Sophie Lang
Really? Because this, this podcast, like the chat that you try and bring in, it doesn't feel like you don't think about it.
Jamie Lang
I don't think about it. I'm a born again virgin. Okay, but don't worry. That beast from the east, the beast from the east will come back once the baby's born.
Sophie Lang
Grumble, crumble, crumble, crumple, crumple, crumble. A big beast walking towards me. Oh, that's appetizing. Can't wait to give birth and then meet that beast. Picturing, like a snow beast. And it's crumpling on the snow. That's what I pictured. Terrifying. I picture a snow. I really, really envisioned that. I pictured a snow. A white snow. Bees, crumple, crumple. With white blonde toupee. Just walking towards me. I'm ready for you.
Jamie Lang
Sophie thinks it's gonna be awkward the first time we have sex.
Sophie Lang
It will be now because I'm gonna picture you as a snowman. A really scary, enormous snowman. And I'm gonna hear the words, crumple, crumple, crumple. I'm ready for you.
Jamie Lang
I think it is gonna be awkward, isn't it?
Sophie Lang
I really want to know when, like, you're legitimately are. You genuinely aren't allowed to have sex for like six weeks. C sections Even longer, I think.
Jamie Lang
Well, listen, it's. We don't even have to worry about it. It's totally fine. We're virgin.
Sophie Lang
I'm not worried at all.
Jamie Lang
I.
Sophie Lang
Nor am I. I'm having lovely time.
Jamie Lang
I'm having a brilliant time as well. Speaking of which, it's time for. Listen as messages Monday Sidekick the AI agent that knows you and your business, thinks ahead and takes action. How's it anything seriously? Monday Sidekick AI you'll love to use. Start a free trial today on Monday.com.
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Jamie Lang
No, it's not.
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Jamie Lang
My Dearest Wonderful people of the podcast and the outside world, thank you so much for sending in your wonderful messages. I'm going to kick it off today. Soph, I have an anonymous one. Okay, I was listening to a recent episode where you talk about the women who flashed her bum at a wedding. That is the best story ever. I have a story very similar. I went to a wedding last year for one of my family members. They had a photo booth there and we spent all night in it taking pictures. We didn't know that these pictures would not only be printed but digitalized. Lucky we were all sensible in the pictures. We just looked very drunk. When we got those photos back, my mum sat with me and we went through them. We stumbled across a picture with one of my family friends in he was in the photo booth and with his wife. He decided to get his penis out. No one realizes it, they just think it's for them. Their father said she like go on, get your out. And he's like, all right, listen. It goes to every mother. He got his penis out and she was returning to kiss it. We were absolutely shocked, not only at him and her, but at the size of it. He wasn't blessed by the penis gods and he knows he's now known as a needle dick. Oh my God.
Sophie Lang
Oh my God. That's savage. That's absolutely savage. I've heard of the needle dick situation before.
Jamie Lang
He took it all very well considering. These photos went to everyone at the wedding, including his parents. Just remember, you never know who will see the photos you take in the wedding booth. Keep it pg. Good luck to you both. I have no doubt you'll be incredible parents. Freaking hell. Anonymous I got one from Daisy. I'm lucky enough to have three children, including boy, girl, twins, now age 9. This story is from when they were still in nappies and cots One evening I put them to bed, read their story and sang a lullaby. Then I went downstairs to make dinner for my husband and eldest son without a video monitor at the time. I could hear the twins chatting and giggling, but thought nothing of it. After 10 minutes later, I went to check. As I climbed the stairs, the smell hit me, pungent and overwhelming. Opening the door, I found they had both pooed, taken off their nappies and were finger painting the bedroom walls with it. My son had managed to get it in his mouth, gagging while smearing himself head to toe. Oh my. Are you joking? They're complete psychopaths, kids. The aftermath was catastrophic. I spent an hour scrubbing the walls with bleach while my eldest son helped bathe the twins. Oh my God. My husband is a prison officer and deals with dirty processes. So when he came home from work, I decided it was only fair that I had to handle this one. Needless to say, we bought a video monitor straight after that.
Momentous / Rubrik Advertiser
Wow.
Jamie Lang
Much love to you both and huge congratulations. Finger crossed. You don't have to deal with too much shit. Literally.
Sophie Lang
Oh my God. That I would not know what to do. Okay, I've got a love story from Ruan and Jovan. My husband and I have been together for almost nine years. We were each other's first boyfriends. We came out together and always dreamed of one day becoming parents. Three years ago, we started the surrogacy process, completely unaware of how hard this rope would be. We've met with countless potential surrogates. And when we finally found the person who felt right, we spent many more months going through legal processes to get the surrogacy approved. There were so many days where the hope just ran out and we thought about giving up. But in February this year, we got approval to start the IVF process. Guys, so big congrats. Every single day at 12:50pm we set our alarms on our phone to take a moment to pause, pray and manifest for the baby we so desperately long for. When it finally came for our first embryo transfer, we stood in the room with our amazing surrogate as we watched the embryo being transferred on the screen. The alarms on both of our phones went off at 12:50. That moment broke us. We all burst into tears. That first round, sadly, wasn't successful. It hurt more than we thought it would. But we tried again. And I'm so, so overjoyed to say we are pregnant.
Jamie Lang
Come on, let's go.
Sophie Lang
This journey has tested us, stretched us and shaped us in every way that we have never imagined. But we've come through it stronger, more in love and more certain of our future than ever before. Thank you both for the joy the honesty and the safe space you created on this pod. You walked with us during our darkest days and our happiest ones and we're so grateful. We can't wait for what lies ahead. Guys. I love you guys so much. I can't. The hormones. I'm so happy for them.
Jamie Lang
Well done, guys. Congrats.
Sophie Lang
Huge congrats. Send us pictures.
Jamie Lang
Hey, so if you want to keep writing in, I would love to hear more wedding photo booth stuff. It honestly makes me die. Any embarrassing things happen at weddings? Any silly things that happened not just in pregnancy, maybe at university. Something like that will just make me laugh more than Send it into at Nearly Parents podcast on Instagram. Or you can send us an email Nearly parents@jampo productions.co.uk that is the end of listeners messages. By the way, I haven't told you this. What? There is a tick tock out there that I died.
Momentous / Rubrik Advertiser
Why?
Sophie Lang
What? Why?
Jamie Lang
I. I have no idea. I don't know why someone's done it, but.
Sophie Lang
People upset?
Jamie Lang
Not really. People were not upset. I read some of the comments. Do you remember when a couple people were cheering? So this is not a good sign.
Sophie Lang
Well, you haven't died. And do you remember when Eva Longoria died and I commented on it saying no and she replied to me, guys, saying I'm still here, honey, because she. Oh yeah, you pretended she died and she commented on it.
Jamie Lang
I pretended that evil Longoria had died. Sophie freaked out and she hadn't died.
Sophie Lang
And she commented on it. Sorry, I never took that in because she's my favorite woman in the whole world and I never really took in the fact that she commented on our post.
Jamie Lang
What I'm confused at right now is There is a TikTok video out there that your husband has died and you moved on to Eva Longoria because she.
Sophie Lang
Hasn'T died, nor have I. No, I know you're right there.
Jamie Lang
We've got a very exciting week ahead because we're going to Lewis Capaldi. We're going to Lewis Capaldi. Someone I love. No, no, that's not it. Sing a Lewis Capaldi song.
Sophie Lang
Like to sing one to me? There must be something in the water because every day I'm getting strong and what is the.
Jamie Lang
What is the other one?
Sophie Lang
And let my guard down and the night falls and the dog hits you through it all.
Jamie Lang
Do you remember there was a moment, guys, which was probably the most exciting moment when Lewis Capaldi was about to sing at our wedding. I got a call from one of his agents who worked at his label and they said, we think we can get Lewis Capaldi at the wedding. And I was going to surprise you with it. Turns out Luis Capaldi did not turn up at a wedding. But at some point in our lives, I want to get the chicks to come sing for you.
Sophie Lang
I bloodied up that.
Jamie Lang
And I would love to get the chicks to come sing to you when you're in hospital, as you're giving birth. We'll get the chicks in. You would be in the bed.
Sophie Lang
I don't think I would know that they're in the room mid birth.
Jamie Lang
Okay, so I'm going to give a message out to the chicks. My wife Sophie, sitting right here is a huge, huge, huge fan of yours. She loves you more than anything. If there's any way that we could somehow get some sort of song for her that I could play while she's giving birth, I'll love you forever. I'm putting it out there. I love you manifest. You guys are the greatest. Well, on that note, we're gonna play a little game.
Sophie Lang
Okay?
Jamie Lang
Are you ready for this little game? It is called Hot or Not.
Sophie Lang
Okay.
Jamie Lang
So since we're not having sex at the moment, I thought I'd put together a little game for us which is called Hot or Not. The rules are simple. I'm going to read out some sex adjacent activities we could try instead of having sex. Okay. And your job is to say whether you think they're actually kind of sexy, so hot, or a complete mood killer and they're not. Okay. You ready for this? So hot or not? Me cooking dinner for you wearing nothing except for a pair of oven gloves.
Sophie Lang
I'm going to go with hot because I would like to see it. Because it'd be fun for you to cook dinner for me for once.
Jamie Lang
Whoa, you don't let me do it. Me eating snacks off your stomach, Not. What?
Sophie Lang
Not at all not.
Jamie Lang
I think that'd be sexy.
Sophie Lang
You lying down off my pregnant summit.
Jamie Lang
Yeah. You lying down Not Get a little fondue set. Put it on your tummy.
Sophie Lang
Burning cheese on my stomach? No, thank you.
Jamie Lang
Me giving you a foot massage which may or may not lead to some erotic toe sucking.
Sophie Lang
The first bit hot, the second bit not.
Jamie Lang
You hate sucking of toes.
Sophie Lang
I would be sick if someone tried to suck my toe. I would. Honestly, I think I would actually heave. I'd be so upset if someone sucked my toe.
Jamie Lang
I had a friend of mine who said she had a one night stand and she was having a one night stand and her legs suddenly got put, you know, above her head. Onto the guy's shoulders. So she was lying on her back and the legs were on the shoulders. And she was like, oh, this is quite exciting. And then he got her whole foot and shoved it in his mouth and started sucking it. And she was like, kind of here for it. Okay. Role playing as different people and sending each other sexy voice notes in different accents.
Sophie Lang
Not.
Jamie Lang
Come on, let's give a little bit of roll. No, I'll give a little bit of roll.
Sophie Lang
Can you be Lewis Capaldi?
Jamie Lang
I'll be Lewis Capaldi.
Sophie Lang
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
And you be Ronan Keating.
Sophie Lang
You want. You want me? You're gonna get turned on by a man.
Jamie Lang
Okay, I'll be Lewis Capaldi. And you, Cam Lonson. You'll be Pamela Anderson.
Sophie Lang
Okay.
Jamie Lang
All right, here we go.
Sophie Lang
Let me get into character.
Jamie Lang
You alright?
Sophie Lang
Yes, I'm very good, thank you.
Jamie Lang
You want to go on a date? You want to go on a date?
Sophie Lang
If you sing for me, then maybe I will.
Jamie Lang
I could sing Theon if you want to. You wheel us?
Sophie Lang
No.
Jamie Lang
Okay, what about this one? Me sending you nudes. No, I've never sent you a nude.
Sophie Lang
No, I know. Have you ever sent anyone a nude?
Jamie Lang
No, I don't think I have, no. I would love to send you nude. Sophie, there's been once that you've sent me a nude out of the blue. Was that private? I don't really know.
Sophie Lang
I don't remember it. It was so long ago.
Jamie Lang
Doing a maternity shoot together where we're both naked. I'm also wearing the fake pregnancy belly. Having phone sex in different rooms of the house.
Sophie Lang
No, not hot.
Jamie Lang
Let's just try. Just for a second, let's try and do some phone sex. No, just please.
Sophie Lang
No.
Jamie Lang
Just try.
Sophie Lang
I'll entertain it, but I'm not gonna speak.
Jamie Lang
Ring, ring.
Sophie Lang
Hello.
Jamie Lang
Hey, how are you? Good. How are you feeling? A little bit lonely over here in Alaska.
Sophie Lang
Why are you in Alaska?
Jamie Lang
You know, I'm here to save the seals. What are you doing at home?
Sophie Lang
Watching Rambar Diaries.
Jamie Lang
Are you naked?
Sophie Lang
No.
Jamie Lang
You thinking about getting naked?
Sophie Lang
Not at all. Freezing, in fact.
Jamie Lang
So one would say that you're trying to keep warm in that bed.
Sophie Lang
I'm not in the bed.
Jamie Lang
Where are you?
Sophie Lang
In the living room.
Jamie Lang
Right. I'm naked.
Sophie Lang
Why are you naked in Alaska?
Jamie Lang
Because I was thinking about you. We haven't had a bit of rumpy pumpy in a while. No, we haven't had any rumpy bumpy.
Grainger Advertiser
No.
Sophie Lang
I'm out. I'm out.
Jamie Lang
I've checked out my Long John silver.
Sophie Lang
I actually physically. You forget you Think you're a virgin now? You wait for three years to come, you'll still be a virgin at this rate.
Jamie Lang
Me going down on you while you watch Vampire Diaries.
Sophie Lang
10 out of 10.
Jamie Lang
We got her. We got her. We got her. That's it. You better be ready for later. Oh, my God.
Sophie Lang
Terrified. Never but grumble a grumble.
Jamie Lang
Here comes that snowman. What's the Vampire Diaries guy that you fancy?
Sophie Lang
I fancy them both, but Stefan.
Jamie Lang
What's his actor's name?
Sophie Lang
Paul Wesley.
Jamie Lang
Okay, we. We have sex, but I got a bag on my head and it's Paul Wesley's face.
Sophie Lang
20 out of 10.
Jamie Lang
I've got a bag on my head and it's Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries.
Sophie Lang
Not a bag. Like a very, very good prosthetic face. Serious. Just being honest.
Jamie Lang
So if you.
Sophie Lang
All right, okay. Let me ask you a question.
Jamie Lang
You would have sex. You would have sex with me if I got prosthetics of Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries stuck onto my head?
Sophie Lang
Yes. What would you. What would it be, hot or not, if I got prosthetics of Emrat on my face?
Jamie Lang
No, not really. I would rather you.
Jerry Insurance Advertiser
Boo.
Sophie Lang
Liar.
Jerry Insurance Advertiser
Boo.
Jamie Lang
Oh, well, that's the end of our game. Hot or not.
Momentous / Rubrik Advertiser
That went well.
Jamie Lang
You pull Wesley fucker.
Momentous / Rubrik Advertiser
Right.
Jamie Lang
Before we go, we like to end our show with weird pregnancy tip of the week. Just remember that these weird and wonderful tips are from you lot and are based on no medical facts. So here we go. This is from Anonymous. If you're peeing a lot while pregnant, try lifting your belly while peeing to get more urine out. This could be in my head, but I feel like it helps me pee a little less often.
Sophie Lang
Oh, my God. I will take that tip and I will run to the bathroom and lift my belly.
Jamie Lang
It's a great freaking idea.
Sophie Lang
That is genius. If that helps.
Jamie Lang
Let's try it after this. Hallelujah. Well, listen, everybody, as I said before, I want to say a huge thank you for tuning into Nearly Parents and just being part of our journey and hopefully that we entertain you all day. If I can ask you a favor, if you could subscribe to our show and share it with people and let other people know and be entertained, that would be amazing. And also, if you want to get in touch, I want to hear some really funny stories. You can at nearlyparents podcast or send us an email, nearlyparentsamproductions.com we'd love to hear from you. And we're gonna see you next Monday, of course, for another episode. But until then, stay safe out there. People, we love you. If you're getting married, good luck. If you're getting divorced, good luck. If you're getting engaged, good luck. You're having a baby, good luck. And if you're just single and you're mingling around and you're just cheeky cat, you go out there, you cheeky cat.
Sophie Lang
And you shag around like, no, no, no. You are weird at the moment. We love you. Goodbye.
Jamie Lang
We love you. Goodbye.
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Hosts: Jamie Laing & Sophie Habboo
Producer: JamPot Productions
In this riotous, refreshingly honest episode of NearlyParents, Jamie and Sophie dive into the warts-and-all realities of pregnancy, relationship quirks, and impending parenthood. The pair brings their trademark blend of humor, candor, and oversharing as they explore topics ranging from bodily changes and emotional rollercoasters to the often-awkward transition from married life to (almost) parents.
Expect plenty of laughs, relatable gripes about pregnancy symptoms, frank sex talk (and a hilarious "phone sex" roleplay), surprising admissions, and fan-favorite listener stories.
[02:12-06:13]
Jamie and Sophie kick off with a playful roundup of things that are weirdly embarrassing but shouldn't be:
“Me running in general is highly embarrassing. I don’t quite know how to run.”
— Sophie [03:33]
[06:13–07:14]
Sophie is not a fan of Jamie's recent hair dye job, likening him to "Draco Malfoy" and "Boris Johnson." She laments his broken promises not to dye again.
“I hope the baby does grab hold of your hair and pulls out strand by strand of that straw-like hair.”
— Sophie [06:14]
[07:23–16:06]
The couple chronicles the physical toll pregnancy is taking on Sophie, including:
“I'm like averaging five hours sleep max. It's a real nightmare.”
— Sophie [13:24]
[09:20–12:05]
Stress & First Baby Nerves: Jamie admits to tiredness but not stress, while Sophie highlights frequent hospital visits out of anxiety over baby movements.
Nightclub Misadventures: Jamie recalls their night out at a club, where a very pregnant Sophie became the center of attention.
Jamie’s Epic Shepherd’s Pie Binge: The couple mock-fight over proportions eaten. Sophie's pregnancy craves Jamie's "favorite food" — shepherd’s pie.
[16:22–17:36]
Sophie quizzes Jamie on practical baby care, with hilarious results:
"That's wild. I didn't know that about baby mittens."
— Jamie [17:36]
[18:04–19:33]
Sophie introduces gross/fascinating medical terms:
[20:30–22:05; 33:03–39:11]
Both declare themselves “born again virgins”—none of the usual drive:
Hilarious riffing on post-baby sex, awkwardness to come, and Sophie picturing Jamie as a “snowman with a white toupee.”
[25:22–30:05]
A fan-favorite section delivering the best of listener oversharing:
[31:09–32:35]
The couple shares stories about nearly having Lewis Capaldi perform at their wedding, and Sophie’s fangirl moment with Eva Longoria on Instagram.
[33:03–39:11]
Jamie invents a “Hot or Not” game with sex-adjacent activities and gets Sophie’s verdict:
Jamie cooking in oven gloves: Hot (“...if only to see you cook for once!” [33:36])
Eating snacks off Sophie's tummy: Not (“Not at all not.” [33:48])
Toe sucking: No-go. Sophie: “I would be sick if someone tried to suck my toe.” [34:13]
Role-play voice notes: Rejected—Sophie pushes Jamie to do a Lewis Capaldi impression instead.
Phone sex roleplay:
Maternity nude photoshoots, nudes, and fantasy roleplay: Sophie says she'd be “20 out of 10” for sex if Jamie wore a Paul Wesley (Vampire Diaries) prosthetic (“Just being honest.” [37:37]).
[38:13–38:45]
From a listener: Lift your belly while peeing to get more urine out (“I will take that tip and I will run to the bathroom and lift my belly.” — Sophie [38:40]).
If you’re looking for a real, honest—and often hysterical—take on love, marriage, pregnancy, and the anticipation (and terror) of becoming a parent, this episode is for you. Jamie and Sophie’s chemistry, openness, and willingness to bare all (sometimes literally) make for a podcast that feels like hanging out with hilarious friends who say what everyone else is thinking.
Listener participation is warmly encouraged—send in your wild, embarrassing, or heartwarming stories for a chance to feature in future episodes.
Follow @NearlyParentsPodcast or email nearlyparents@jampotproductions.co.uk to join the conversation!