Sophie Lang (2:08)

Are you ready?

Jamie Lang (2:09)

Let's go. There is a man down over here. M A N D O W N. For what reason? I'll tell you. I'll give you. I'll give you the reason, shall I? I'm gonna give it to you straight right now, all right? As you bow your head over there, you little sasspot, I'm gonna give it just straight.

Sophie Lang (2:26)

Why are you talking like that?

Jamie Lang (2:29)

I am tired. If I wake up.

Sophie Lang (2:34)

Shut the fuck up.

Jamie Lang (2:35)

I have to wake up on the hour, every hour.

Sophie Lang (2:39)

It's actually every 35 minutes the last.

Jamie Lang (2:42)

Two nights because my wife is Russell. Russell.

Sophie Lang (2:47)

I do. I. My. My longest Time that I've done my biggest stint is I did 10 ways in one night.

Jamie Lang (2:55)

She does 10 wheezing every single night. Can I. Can I just give you a little rundown of.

Sophie Lang (2:59)

But what's absolutely fascinating and I will let everyone know this. You know, everyone's like, if you fall asleep before midnight, those hours are so great. Like they're so much better than post midnight. Right. So say, I could try to point me to. So say I go to bed at 10.

Momentous Advertiser (3:16)

Yeah.

Sophie Lang (3:16)

Right. And I wake up at midnight for my week. I am like, it's shortly 7am that is how deep my sleep is post midnight. I'm awake the whole night every 45 minutes and it's never deep. I. I don't think I fall back to sleep. Yeah. And I don't care, you sucker. You try having a numb hip with all. My whole body goes numb every half an hour and then I need a wee and like I have savage heartburn. And I feel actually quite sick in the night sometimes now. Felt really sick last night from starvation. I was so hungry. We went, we went for, we went to this really fun comedy night. But I don't know why, I don't know why I was so starving. Didn't quite fill. Fill me up. I felt like I just had like.

Jamie Lang (4:01)

A couple, A couple things.

Sophie Lang (4:02)

Yeah, I just had a couple nibbles of like a bite of a burger and like some hassle scampion fries. Chris and I got to bed at like 11. I was like starving the whole night.

Jamie Lang (4:15)

Ah, yeah. It's tough over here for me.

Sophie Lang (4:18)

I know. Are you doing this to fishy up? I know you are.

Jamie Lang (4:22)

It's honestly like, we were very tired on the weekend and I know we probably complain about being tired, but there is like, there's a lot going on at the moment, which is great and I'm very appreciative of it, but it's a little bit tiring. And we got to the weekend and Sophie was like, don't worry, we're gonna go to bed really early. We're gonna go to bed really early. So I'm like, great. Gonna go to bed early. I'm thinking 9:30, maybe 10 o'. Clock. We'll get into bed, fall asleep. 7:15. 7:15pm Sophie goes, Right, time for bed. I'm like, sorry, what? 7:15? I'm tired though. I'm very tired. So I'm like, this feels a bit weird, but all right, I guess we'll go to bed now. We get into bed, we start watching a bit of program 8:00pm we're like, well let's fall asleep now. So we fall asleep at 8pm I wake up 10:30 and I'm wide awake and I'm like well this is pointless because now I'm wide awake before the evening. Took me ages to fall back to sleep.

Sophie Lang (5:22)

Oh God. I'm just wait the whole night. I wake up at like 2 and I just stare at the ceiling till about 5:30.

Jamie Lang (5:27)

And every single night what happens? This is. I go and get Sophie, her lovely little. She has her big water Stanley Cup. Big Stanley cup. Okay, this is, this is, this I, I reckon this is every single night. Probably every single night I'm a doting husband. I'll go and fill up her water, put ice in it, I'll close it up, I'll put it on the side of her bed, the handle facing out. And so the lampshade from the light is not going to knock it off. It's all fine, all done. Every night. Every night I reckon around 2:30 in the morning, 3 in the 30 in the morning I hear, I'm like what the hell?

Sophie Lang (6:03)

Sorry, those noises don't come out my mouth.

Jamie Lang (6:05)

No, that's not, that's a Stanley cup falling off the shelf again because you've knocked it. Water gone everywhere.

Sophie Lang (6:11)

It's like clung clunk.

Jamie Lang (6:13)

So I'm water, I'm like what's going on? So if he goes, I don't know what happened. I'm like, you do know what happened.

Sophie Lang (6:18)

I'll tell you what happens.

Jamie Lang (6:19)

What happens.

Sophie Lang (6:20)

Because I'm a coaster moniker from France. I put it on this stupid, stupid raffia coaster which is all curled up at the sides and the Stanley Cup's too big for the coasters so it just, just catches the wrong. Can't see what I'm doing. It's pitch back and it falls on the floor and then water goes everywhere and then it's awful and then we.

Jamie Lang (6:37)

Have to mop it up and Sophie has to do this because she can't get out of bed. She has to almost get momentum so she has to rock from side to side and then roll herself out.

Sophie Lang (6:51)

Because I'll just say it like to the pregnant ladies isn't the feeling when you tense your stomach like it's abnormal, like it's like. I don't know if it's coning or whatever the hell it is, but that to me I can't be tensing my stomach. I feel so like un uneasy like it makes me kind of gag a bit when I tense my stomach what do you mean?

Jamie Lang (7:10)

Explain that.

Sophie Lang (7:10)

Like, you know, to sit up, you kind of. You use your abs, right? Like, when you do that pregnant. The shape your stomach goes into and, like, the feeling that happens is it. It. Like. It's like chalk on a chalkboard. Teeth on a chalkboard. Nails on chalkboard.

Jamie Lang (7:24)

I'm like, teeth on the chalkboard is quite weird.

Sophie Lang (7:26)

Biting into a. A towel.

Jamie Lang (7:29)

I know what you mean.

Sophie Lang (7:30)

Yeah.

Sophie Lang (7:30)

Biting into a peach also a little bit.

Jamie Lang (7:32)

Try and not make a face as I do this. Try and not make a face. You can't make. Keep this like that. Imagine biting into a clippo like that with your. Banging with your front teeth.

Sophie Lang (7:44)

Yeah. Don't have sensitive teeth.

Jamie Lang (7:46)

Okay, imagine. Okay, don't make a face. Imagine sucking on a lemon.

Sophie Lang (7:50)

Do it all the time.

Jamie Lang (7:50)

You're weird. What's going on?

Sophie Lang (7:52)

Lemon's my literal. My biggest pregnancy craving, so it shows how much you listen to me. And I pour on everything.

Jamie Lang (7:57)

Anyway, the. The other thing that happened in the middle of the night, as well as this is. This is why I think we're quite tired is again, I woke up in the middle of the night to Sophie having. Having a bit of a meltdown. She was having a meltdown. And she was going, not a meltdown. It was honey. That was a meltdown. Ah. Screaming. Honestly, like, she's been shot. I was like, what's going on? What's going on? She went, there's cr. My calf, guys. So the middle of the night, I'm holding her leg in the air, trying to bend it. She's going, bend my foot.

Sophie Lang (8:28)

Bend my foot. I've had cramp. I'm 30 years old. I've had cramp many a times in my life. This was no ordinary cramp. This was like someone wheedling their skinny little fingers in between each muscle fiber of my legs and contorting them and twisting them and tying them into a big knot. And it was absolutely. I thought, that's it. Amputate me. Take it away.

Jamie Lang (8:50)

How bad was it?

Sophie Lang (8:51)

It was next level, the worst. I get it every night. But that. But like that time, I, like, moved it, but I couldn't move my leg. It was completely paralyzed.

Jamie Lang (9:00)

I also gonna have a nice little bone to pick with you. Just because it's man down today.

Sophie Lang (9:05)

You're not man down. Why are you man down? Let's get you an aura ring, and let's see how many times you wake up in the night you snore. So that means you're in a deep, deep, deep, heavy.

Jamie Lang (9:13)

I would look at my aura ring. And do you know what it'd say on it?

Sophie Lang (9:16)

What?

Jamie Lang (9:16)

Doting husband. It would say caring. You're too caring and loving as a husband.

Sophie Lang (9:24)

No, it wouldn't. You firstly, breathe. You snore. So you interrupt my sleep even more. My limited sleep I have was interrupted by your stinking snoring. And secondly, I didn't sleep one whole night because we went to Lewis Crowdy and you decided to eat cheesy chips. And the smell guys was like, I had literally got my nose into a walker's packet of cheese and onion crisp, and it just was whole. Someone was smothering me with it all night long. I was like, please, someone give me some air. It was everywhere. It's coming out of your pores.

Jamie Lang (9:54)

Does anyone remember the conversation Sophie and I had about tea and how Sophie thinks it's an ick that I drink tea? Well, looky, looky how the tables have turned because someone now drinks a lot.

Sophie Lang (10:08)

Of tea, and it's not icky in the slightest. Fussy. I don't care if you're going to come at me for being sexist. Women drinking tea is acceptable. Men who are obsessed with slurping. Slurping on a tea is unacceptable, and you slurp. I managed to drink the tea. I don't have an asbestos mouth, and I can drink it silently. You, my friend, can drink boiling hot water. So why you have to go every time you drink a tea is. I don't understand it. And it's still icky when you drink it.

Jamie Lang (10:40)

Oh, my Lord. Okay, well, listen, how are you feeling at the moment? That's the big question. How are you feeling, honey?

Sophie Lang (10:48)

I feel excited that it's winter.

Jamie Lang (10:51)

Yeah, we do. It's very nice.

Sophie Lang (10:54)

And I feel really exhausted, like, absolutely shattered and really bitchy, but really excited.

Jamie Lang (11:00)

Now I'm gonna say all jokes aside, because we're having a little bit of joke at the top of the conversation. I think you're on epic form. I'm not even. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm putting it out there. I'm actually gonna be. Totally honestly, I think you're on epic form. I think. I think you're like.

Sophie Lang (11:16)

I am. We're. We're very unprepared, which is hovering. I think that's why I'm not sleeping very well, because we're incredibly unprepared.

Jamie Lang (11:22)

And he was so prepared. What do you. What are we unprepared about?

Sophie Lang (11:26)

Well, firstly, you know absolutely nothing about labor. About. No. And don't come at me, labor, anything. I don't think you'll. And can I tell you, I've been really thinking about this.

Jamie Lang (11:37)

Everything about labor.

Sophie Lang (11:38)

The problem with Jamie is Jamie loves reassurance. So a random stranger at Sainsbury's. The woman behind Sainsbury's, if she was 6 years old and she said, the woman behind Sainsbury's. The woman at the till at Sainsbury's, she's 60 years old, and she could see our baby and she could go, you know how you've got to get them to bed? You just leave them on their own for nine hours and swaddle them. You would go, oh, amazing. Is that what you do? And then you take me home and you go, oh, my God. That's what we've got to do. You take people's information as Bible. And that I'm fearful of, because the other day say, hang on, that's not fair.

Jamie Lang (12:12)

Because you take people's information as Bible as well.

Sophie Lang (12:14)

No, I don't. I trust my own instincts, and I learn and I have knowledge. Thank you very much. The other day, someone said to us that you have to like. Which, granted, I agree with. You have to, you know, let your child sort of, like, be immersed in dirt and, like, get a bit dirty because it's good for their immune system. And, like, you shouldn't be so protective over their immune system.

Jamie Lang (12:36)

Yeah.

Sophie Lang (12:37)

No one's kissing my baby. And I'm gonna say this on this podcast, if anyone comes and kisses my newborn baby, I will punch you in the face. Like, please do not come near my baby and risk giving my baby germs. And you are gonna be like to me. No, but that woman said that we should give them music, mother them kisses, stranger. And it just, like, it gives me sleepless nights.

Jamie Lang (12:59)

I'm not gonna be like that.

Sophie Lang (13:01)

I think you are.

Jamie Lang (13:04)

What I said was this. Someone said, you got to let the girl get dirt. So. Oh, so we'll just take them into the garden, put mud on them.

Sophie Lang (13:09)

Yeah, that's what he genuinely said. We'll just, like, put. Put the baby in with, like, the mud, and we don't wash it off. I was like, probably not at newborn stage.

Jamie Lang (13:19)

That's right.

Sophie Lang (13:19)

Give it a mud bath.

Jamie Lang (13:21)

That's what I thought. I thought that's what you.

Sophie Lang (13:23)

Well, that's what I mean. So I would really love it if you would just please read one book.

Jamie Lang (13:29)

Honey, I'm reading books.

Sophie Lang (13:31)

You've read the same book for a year and a half. You. I. I finished that book in Ziggy Bay.

Jamie Lang (13:39)

Well, okay, let's explain this. What book is it?

Sophie Lang (13:42)

First, the Housemaid. Right? Frida Kahlone or whatever she's called. We've read all of those books. I. I read them. I pass them on to Jamie.

Jamie Lang (13:48)

They're very good. They're very good. I'm reading the red cover one, and.

Sophie Lang (13:51)

Actually it's becoming a movie now with Sydney Sweeney and Amanda Seyfried.

Jamie Lang (13:54)

Very good. It's very good. The storyline is this.

Sophie Lang (13:56)

They all know. Everyone's read the book. They're incredibly famous.

Jamie Lang (13:59)

Not everyone's read the book.

Sophie Lang (14:00)

Don't tell them. Storyline.

Jamie Lang (14:01)

Hughie, have you read. I actually haven't read the book. There you go.

Sophie Lang (14:04)

Oh, my God, Yui, you'd love it.

Jamie Lang (14:05)

Anyway, it's a very, very good book. And it's called, like, the Housemaid or whatever it is.

Sophie Lang (14:10)

Anyway, the point is, is that I started reading that book and A week's holiday in Ziggy Bay. I read it in, like, a day. I gave it to you. You have been reading it since then. I wasn't pregnant in Ziggy Bay. And you are still reading it now with lots of chapters to go.

Jamie Lang (14:26)

No, I, I.

Sophie Lang (14:26)

And he reads it, guys. He reads it every night. Every night he gets that book out and I think, how is it physically possible?

Jamie Lang (14:35)

I have. I've now finished it, thank you very much. I finished it the other day. It only took me six months, but that is fine.

Sophie Lang (14:41)

But what's amazing.

Jamie Lang (14:42)

Wait, sorry, are you making fun of my dyslexia?

Sophie Lang (14:45)

Is that what it is?

Jamie Lang (14:46)

I. I'm just not a quick reader, honey.

Sophie Lang (14:48)

Yeah, you're slow as anything.

Jamie Lang (14:49)

Anyway, I was gonna go back to my thing.

Sophie Lang (14:51)

You.

Jamie Lang (14:51)

I think you're on amazing form at the moment. I think you're handling everything amazing. I think you're doing amazing. I even think with the lack of sleep you're having, you're killing it. You're. You're taking everything in your stride. I don't think you really are that stressed about everything. I think you are, but you're not that stressed. I think you're doing amazing. I really do. Generally on my art.

Sophie Lang (15:11)

And I think you're doing amazing because you bring me a tea and you're very, very sweet. I meant that. Seriously. Is that.

Jamie Lang (15:18)

Is that. Was that you?

Sophie Lang (15:20)

That was a compliment. So look at that. Teamwork. We can be nice sometimes.

Jamie Lang (15:27)

The more and more I do think about this. I know we speak about this each time, but the more and more I think, do you want the one thing that I really am nervous. About what? Us being. Having sex again. Because I generally think it's gonna be awkward. That's what keeps me off at night.

Sophie Lang (15:41)

Oh, my God, me too. I'm also really nervous, like. About what? Does my vagina go back to normal? Because imagine, like, you've. You've really been.

Momentous Advertiser (15:48)

What do you mean?

Sophie Lang (15:49)

You've really built this up in your head, right? And, like, you know, you would quite probably like to have sex sooner, right?

Jamie Lang (15:56)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (15:56)

And so when the time comes, I'm just fearful that, you know, it's dilated to 10cm. Have you not thought that through?

Jamie Lang (16:03)

So when the baby comes out. So my vagina stretches.

Sophie Lang (16:07)

My friend who had a baby.

Jamie Lang (16:09)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (16:10)

She had sex, like, three months later.

Jamie Lang (16:12)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (16:12)

Postpartum. And she's like, okay, say. Say I was like, a 10 before. What? What's my vagina like now? Is it back to normal? He was like, yeah, it's like a four.

Momentous Advertiser (16:21)

What?

Jamie Lang (16:21)

Why would. That is.

Sophie Lang (16:23)

I think it goes back naturally.

Momentous Advertiser (16:28)

What?

Jamie Lang (16:28)

Like a. Like a sort of elastic band that's been stretched.

Sophie Lang (16:34)

Did you think that the next day that it just goes.

Jamie Lang (16:38)

Yeah, I don't know. Listen, I don't care.

Momentous Advertiser (16:44)

I don't. Honey.

Jamie Lang (16:46)

Because I don't care.

Sophie Lang (16:48)

I think that's why you have to do the Kegels, right?

Jamie Lang (16:50)

Have you been doing the Kegels? No. You haven't been doing the Kegels? I tell you what else we haven't done is the perennial massage.

Sophie Lang (16:56)

Yeah.

Sophie Lang (16:57)

We don't do it till we're, like, right on the. On the cusp.

Jamie Lang (17:00)

I can't wait for that.

Sophie Lang (17:01)

I. I really. I don't want to do that.

Jamie Lang (17:03)

But not.

Sophie Lang (17:05)

I don't think there's anything sexy about me lying with my legs open and you shoving your thumb in a U shape in my vagina. And supposedly your vaginas look really different the closer you get to birth. Everything looks different. Supposedly when you know you've dilated, too, there's like, this purple line that goes up your bum. Your anal. Up your back. So, like, if. Yeah, like. Well, there's a line that comes up your. Your stomach.

Jamie Lang (17:37)

Anus. Not your anal.

Sophie Lang (17:39)

Your analogy.

Jamie Lang (17:41)

Wait, there's a lot of water, so. So, like, I can find my way to it.

Sophie Lang (17:45)

Yeah. So instead of, like, the nurse having to, like. Because you know how you can check you're dilated, right? I can check. You can check I'm dilated. Okay.

Jamie Lang (17:56)

Yeah.

Sophie Lang (17:56)

Do you understand?

Jamie Lang (17:57)

Yes, I. I can see how dilated you are by my hands.

Sophie Lang (18:00)

By shoving your hand up my cervix. Do you understand?

Jamie Lang (18:03)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (18:04)

Would you know where my cervix is?

Jamie Lang (18:05)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (18:06)

Where's my cervix?

Jamie Lang (18:07)

In your vagina at.

Sophie Lang (18:08)

What part?

Jamie Lang (18:09)

What part of it?

Sophie Lang (18:10)

Yeah, in it. I don't really know how that happens.

Jamie Lang (18:15)

I would be scared to go too far up to touch the baby.

Sophie Lang (18:17)

I know, Me too well. That's what my friend was telling me. She's a midwife. And she was like, you could just check at home, like if you've. How much dilated. I was like, you think me and Jamie are putting our hands any. We literally won't even like.

Jamie Lang (18:27)

I don't do anything.

Sophie Lang (18:28)

I'm so careful.

Jamie Lang (18:29)

Yeah. I'm terrified of it all.

Sophie Lang (18:31)

Anyway, producer Yui has just told us that home checks for dilation aren't recommended. So I probably steer away from that.

Jamie Lang (18:38)

We were having a. Can we talk about the conversation we had the other day with our beautiful friend Emily Champion? And we were talking. She was asking you questions.

Sophie Lang (18:55)

I have no idea what your buddy said.

Jamie Lang (18:58)

She was talking about this is where your baby brain came into. And she was talking about Theresa May and say. Wait, sorry, who's Theresa?

Sophie Lang (19:12)

No, no, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't do that. I just got her mixed up with someone who's on itv. Allison Hammond. I just. For some reason, Theresa May, Alice in Hammond, like, they just.

Jamie Lang (19:31)

Theresa May was Alison.

Sophie Lang (19:33)

Right. Let me just say. We were at Lewis Capaldi and I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear what she was. I couldn't hear what she was saying. It was very muffled. There was. I was listening to. They couldn't be.

Jamie Lang (19:45)

They couldn't look more different.

Sophie Lang (19:48)

Well, anyway, Alison Hammond, two powerful women.

Jerry App Advertiser (19:54)

Ah.

Jamie Lang (19:54)

Two very powerful women. That is true.

Sophie Lang (19:56)

One thing I want to talk about is laser.

Jamie Lang (20:00)

Laser Quest.

Sophie Lang (20:01)

Laser Quest. To anyone who has got hair removal. Laser.

Jamie Lang (20:03)

Okay.

Sophie Lang (20:04)

And to any laser companies out there.

Jamie Lang (20:07)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (20:08)

Why are you robbing us blind? Because the minute you get pregnant, all those years of laser and all that pain and all that money you have put into laser to be hairless. Waste of money.

Jamie Lang (20:20)

Wait, what do you mean? Explain this to me.

Sophie Lang (20:21)

The minute you get pregnant, all your hair comes back. Every single hair, every single follicle pops straight through.

Jamie Lang (20:28)

Just so I just so I know.

Sophie Lang (20:29)

Don't even go there. Because I was fully lasered.

Jamie Lang (20:34)

I'm just.

Sophie Lang (20:35)

Yes, I was.

Jamie Lang (20:37)

I just want to be totally honest with this just for a second, because from my memory, okay, I was 99.

Sophie Lang (20:45)

Lasered in that region. It was 1% unlazed. That was just still a working progress.

Jamie Lang (20:50)

You were lasered. So. So I'm gonna just be quite graphic here.

SimpliSafe Advertiser (20:54)

Your.

Jamie Lang (20:54)

Your vagina here. So if I was to look at.

Sophie Lang (20:57)

Your vagina, then this is all gonna get cut out. Well, because you're not gonna spell out what my vagina looked like to a million listeners graphically as you're about to go.

Jamie Lang (21:08)

But you. But that was there. And then there was. Okay, there's a hidden magic carpet underneath.

Sophie Lang (21:12)

That'S getting cut out.

Jamie Lang (21:13)

Yeah, that was a real surprise.

Sophie Lang (21:16)

No, that wasn't falsely. I was very hairless. Secondly, that it was.

Jamie Lang (21:21)

And then when I found it. You went gooey.

Sophie Lang (21:24)

No, I didn't. That is disgusting. Right, Listen, I was 90. I was 99. You could do getting a bit lazy, ginger poo boy. I was 99. Lasered. And 100 lasered under the armpits. 100 lasered under on the legs. And let me tell you now, there's not 1% lasered anymore. So I've got to go back. It's a lot of money, it's a lot of time, and it's a lot of pain getting lasered.

Jamie Lang (21:51)

Okay. No.

Sophie Lang (21:53)

I guess the most mental thing you've ever heard.

Jamie Lang (21:55)

Yeah. I'm so sorry. That is a lot to do. Honey, I don't mind. You can be any way you want.

Sophie Lang (21:59)

I don't care what you think. I'm worried about the money I've lost and the pain and the hours spent in a laser clinic. That was a waste of time.

Jamie Lang (22:07)

So go and tell the laser clinics down the camera.

Sophie Lang (22:09)

No, I'm gonna tell all you girls. Anyone getting lasered, any. If you want to, you look down.

Jamie Lang (22:13)

The camera and tell them.

Sophie Lang (22:14)

Okay? Anyone who's getting lasered and you want to get pregnant, just stop. Just do it. Post babies, all of your babies. Just stop. Please. Just get the razor. It's three pounds. And just sort it out that way.

Jamie Lang (22:24)

D. Shay.

Sophie Lang (22:27)

Okay.

Jamie Lang (22:29)

By the way, it is Freshers week at the moment.

Sophie Lang (22:32)

Best week of my life.

Jamie Lang (22:33)

Precious week. Precious week. Precious week.

Sophie Lang (22:36)

Wasn't that like a theme every night in freshers week? I didn't really go with the themes, but I vaguely remember that being a theme. Like people dressed up. Or was that more initiation vibes?

Jamie Lang (22:46)

I think that was maybe a part of initiation plus Freshers week. It was like the funnest week ever. It was a week of just going out and just meeting as many people as you can. Getting so drunk and just. It's fun. Do you think if we met at Freshers, we'd. We'd we'd kick it off.

Sophie Lang (23:00)

I honestly have no idea what you would have been like younger.

Jamie Lang (23:03)

I just came exactly the same.

Sophie Lang (23:05)

Now I don't. There's no pictures of you at university. Yeah, there are no. Not one.

Jamie Lang (23:09)

Hello. Look at my Facebook. I don't have Facebook because we didn't have Instagram.

Sophie Lang (23:14)

Why did I go on your Facebook?

Jamie Lang (23:15)

Because you look at photos.

Sophie Lang (23:16)

Was that when you were, like, a little bit stocky and very, very like. No, that was very ginger, long hair, stocky.

Jamie Lang (23:23)

No, that was before. No, I was blonde and. And slim and.

Sophie Lang (23:27)

You had a girlfriend.

Jamie Lang (23:28)

I had a girlfriend for a year. You had a boyfriend at the beginning.

Sophie Lang (23:32)

For a week.

Jamie Lang (23:32)

You had a. Sophie had a boyfriend at the beginning of university and she used to run away from him.

Sophie Lang (23:37)

I joined the uni because he was my.

Jamie Lang (23:39)

My boyfriend, and then he would try and meet her on nights out and she would run away from this boy. There's poor.

Sophie Lang (23:43)

Yeah, Because I met all the other boys in Fresh. I was like, wow, there's so many boys here.

Jamie Lang (23:49)

How exciting was that? Oh, my God.

Sophie Lang (23:52)

Precious is just the best.

Jamie Lang (23:53)

To all of you freshers out there. Have the most insanely fun time. Be safe. But go freaking wild, baby.

Sophie Lang (23:59)

Go wild.

Jamie Lang (24:00)

On that note, it's time for dictionary. Dictionary?

Momentous Advertiser (24:02)

Dictionary.

Jamie Lang (24:04)

Pregnancy Edition.

Sophie Lang (24:05)

Okay. Are you ready, Lassie Pops? I have some words for you that are pregnancy and birth related, and I want you, Jamie, to tell me what they mean.

Jamie Lang (24:15)

You tell me, Sophie.

Sophie Lang (24:16)

Stretch and sweep. Oh, my goodness.

Jamie Lang (24:20)

Stretch and sweep. The only thing I can think about. So it's where you stretch open the vagina and you sweep through it.

Sophie Lang (24:27)

Not bad. An internal procedure where a midwife or doctor inserts a gloved finger through the cervix to separate the amniotic membranes from the uterine wall to encourage labor. So it's called. It's when people like going in for a sweep. I can't wait for that day where.

Jamie Lang (24:42)

A doctor puts his finger in your vagina and sweeps it.

Sophie Lang (24:44)

I think it's woman. That's when the mucus plug can fall out. Anyway, number two. Oh, milk blister.

Jamie Lang (24:52)

Oh, milk blister.

Sophie Lang (24:55)

Yep. A tiny block nipple pore that traps milk behind it. Absolutely not.

Jamie Lang (25:00)

Tell me this.

Sophie Lang (25:01)

Oh, my God. That, to me, is illegal. A tiny blocked nipple pore that traps milk behind it. It also sometimes called a bleb, which makes it sound much cuter than it is. Oh, look at my blab. Hurts.

Jamie Lang (25:15)

I can milk my nipples.

Sophie Lang (25:16)

I told you we should be milking my nipples now.

Jamie Lang (25:18)

Do you think we can milk them.

Sophie Lang (25:19)

Yeah, we're meant to be. We're right in the stage of milking nipples.

Jamie Lang (25:22)

That's still on the podcast. You think we can milk your nipples now?

Sophie Lang (25:28)

Yes, we supposedly should be able to milk my nipples now.

Jamie Lang (25:31)

I can't wait to try that.

Sophie Lang (25:33)

I hope I don't get a bleb.

Jamie Lang (25:34)

Honey, listen, if you get a blab, I'll still love you, so don't worry about it. Is that the end of Dictionary Corner?

Sophie Lang (25:38)

That's the end of Dictionary.

Momentous Advertiser (25:39)

Dictionary.

Sophie Lang (25:40)

Dictionary Corner.

Jamie Lang (25:42)

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for listeners messages. Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? I wish I would stop thinking so much.

Sophie Lang (25:57)

Take a breath. You're not alone. Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals. Get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs. And get help with everyday struggles like anxiety or managing tough emotions. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy. And let life feel better.

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Jamie Lang (27:28)

Oh, the car from Carvana's here.

SimpliSafe Advertiser (27:31)

Well, will you look at that.

Jamie Lang (27:33)

It's exactly what I ordered. Like, precisely. It would be crazy if there were any catches. But there aren't, right?

Jerry App Advertiser (27:41)

Right, because that's how car buying should be with Carvana. You get the car you want, choose delivery or pickup, and a week to.

Sophie Lang (27:48)

Love it or return it.

Mint Mobile Advertiser (27:49)

Buy your car today with Carvana.

Jerry App Advertiser (27:52)

Delivery or pickup fees may apply. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our 7 day return policy@carvana.com Mint.

Mint Mobile Advertiser (27:58)

Is still $15 a month for premium wireless. And if you haven't made the switch yet, here are 15 reasons why you should.

Momentous Advertiser (28:05)

One.

Mint Mobile Advertiser (28:05)

One, it's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it.

Jamie Lang (28:14)

Are you.

Mint Mobile Advertiser (28:14)

Are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try.

Sophie Lang (28:18)

@Mintmobile.Com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available.

Jerry App Advertiser (28:26)

Taxes and fees extra.

Zyn Nicotine Pouches Advertiser (28:27)

See mintmobile.com if you're a smoker or vaper ready to make a change, you really only need one good reason. But with Zyn nicotine pouches, you'll discover many. Zynn is America's number one nicotine pouch brand. Plus Zynn offers a robust rewards program. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zyn. Check out zynn.com find to find Zyn at a store near you. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Jamie Lang (29:04)

Okay, well, firstly, I want to say thank you. Every single one of you.

Sophie Lang (29:07)

We are grateful.

Jamie Lang (29:08)

We're very grateful.

Sophie Lang (29:09)

And this one's from Anonymous.

Jamie Lang (29:11)

Okay, go for it.

Sophie Lang (29:12)

Oh, wow. Lost my breath. Hi, guys. I've been flirting back and forth with my brother's best friend for a while, even though I know he's a total man whore. But it's the charm that's attractive. Love it. Anyway, last night I ended up going back to his. After being out and after a couple of drinks, one thing led to another. All he could offer me was a semi. Oh my God.

Jamie Lang (29:32)

Straight in there, full on.

Sophie Lang (29:33)

Right, right, right. Oh, he could. This is actually the worst. When boy. No, all he could offer me was a semi and insist that if I sucked it, well, it was. Well, it was like sucking a flump. What's a flap?

Jamie Lang (29:51)

You know those marshmallow sticks.

Sophie Lang (29:55)

Actually, actually. Vile. We eventually made some progress with it, but just as it was fully erect, he ripped off his T shirt and in his broad Scottish accent went, oh. Ah, you've got it. You've got it. Well, that's Irish. Do it. Do it in IRA Scottish. Oh, you've got it. Oh, yeah, in there.

Jamie Lang (30:11)

Oh, you got that. You've Got that?

Sophie Lang (30:14)

Yeah, in there. I couldn't stop laughing and felt so mean. So I thought, right, I'll turn around so we can have sex doggy style and hope that he doesn't sound like that again.

Jamie Lang (30:22)

This is so full on.

Sophie Lang (30:24)

And I hope that he doesn't sound like that again. It was actually good until he asked me if I was crying, but it was just my sex noises. No, this whole thing is.

Jamie Lang (30:32)

This whole thing, Yui. What kind of messages?

Sophie Lang (30:35)

I love this. I was mortified. We laughed and we just didn't continue after that. Couldn't look each other in the eye and I just laughed and went home. The worst part is of course, that it's my brother's best friend and anytime I have to see him, I will have flashbacks of the flump and the whole awkwardness. How do I raise my memory? Please advise. And does this affect my body count anyway? Because I'm definitely not counting it. We don't count that one. For sure.

Sophie Lang (30:55)

We don't.

Jamie Lang (30:56)

What do you mean you don't count that one?

Sophie Lang (30:57)

You don't count that flumpy dick inside you? No.

Jamie Lang (31:00)

You don't count it?

Sophie Lang (31:01)

No, we don't count.

Jamie Lang (31:02)

Wait, what? Have you not counted?

Sophie Lang (31:05)

I'm not counting.

Jamie Lang (31:06)

When did you in come in like in contact with a flum?

Sophie Lang (31:10)

I haven't, but had I come in contact with the flum, I would scrap that and erase that from my memory forever. I'm sorry. That is horrific. And the fact he went, are you crying? Is. I would have in that moment just said, swallow me ground, please.

Jamie Lang (31:24)

Okay, I've got one for you. Ready? You big old flumper over there.

Sophie Lang (31:28)

Flumpy dick.

Jamie Lang (31:30)

Flumpy. Okay, here is a wild story from Anonymous. My sister and I were on the last day of a Barcelona getaway. The day before, my stomach had been a bit off, but I thought I was in the clear. We checked out of our hotel, gone shopping, grabbed a coffee and I even used a cafe toilet with no issue. Fast forward 10 minutes. We were leaving a jewelry shop and I felt a little fart coming on and thought, why not? Big mistake. Huge. What I thought was a fart turned out to be a fully blown chart so explosive it splattered on the floor.

Sophie Lang (32:02)

Oh my God.

Jamie Lang (32:03)

My God, these people.

Sophie Lang (32:05)

How does it happen?

Jamie Lang (32:06)

What is wrong with these people? I froze, completely mortified. My sister confused at first clock what had happened, whispered get out. But I'd already made contact with with the security guard. We bolted. Poo. Literally running down my leg. With no hotel room to run back to I did a panic clean up in the restaurant toilet, then begged our old hotel receptionist to let us use the bathroom. Mercifully it had a shower but no towel. So what I had to do was hose myself down, grab the communal hound towel and made it my personal drying station. Then I got dressed, grabbed my sister and fed the scene before anyone could stop me. Safe to say I'll never fart again and I've definitely left my mark in Barcelona.

Sophie Lang (32:45)

My wife do you remember when our friend shot herself at Notting Hill Carnival and she said she was running through the carnival trying to find someone. Pooh was just flicking up her legs.

Jamie Lang (32:56)

Freaky out so bad she ran with her boyfriend to get and they had to hide in the garden to sort it out and she turned to alive turned to her left and her boyfriend had poo on his leg that was hers.

Sophie Lang (33:06)

I've got a love story.

Jamie Lang (33:07)

Okay, go and give it to me from Levi.

Sophie Lang (33:10)

Years ago, my mum and dad were good friends with my now boyfriend's parents. It all started because his dad was lodging at my mum's flat and then over time the couples became friends. We all grew up together, spending Christmas Eves, birthdays and family parties together. In 2012 everything changed. I lost my mum to a rare brain tumor just a week before my 16th birthday. Over time, we drifted apart from family friends. Fast forward to 2022. I was on a dating app and I got a like on one of my pictures. I went onto the profile for a nosy and was stopped in my tracks as I instantly recognized the face. This was one of the boys I'd grown up with who arranged to meet up just casually. More like a catch up rather than a date. But when I saw him in person, let's just say I was very pleasantly surprised. We clicked straight away. We already had the same kind of morals and values and now here we are still together three and a half years later. He's honestly my best friend. But the part that trumps all is that I once said to a friend when I was casually dating 4 I'm gutted. Whoever I end up, my mum will have never met. But now I found someone who did it. Honestly feels like we were meant to come back to each other at some point and I know my mum would be very happy.

Jamie Lang (34:19)

That is so cute.

Sophie Lang (34:20)

Goosebumps. That's so cute.

Jamie Lang (34:22)

I love that.

Sophie Lang (34:23)

Me too. That is such a love story and so heartwarming.

Jamie Lang (34:27)

Touch the finger. I have one which I think is also a love story. Hi Jamie and Sophie. I just had to Write to say how much my husband and I love your podcast. Before we got married a year ago, we were in the middle of wedding planning and your wedding episodes were the go to. They got us through all the chaos and stress. Fast forward a year and our focus has been completely shifted. Instead of choosing table decor, we've been on a very different journey trying to have a baby. With every negative test, we held on to hope until it all became too much and we decided to get some professional help. What I didn't expect was how much my husband would struggle too. We've learned that in our case, it's male fertility, and it was really surprising to us to find out that the male factors are involved in about half of infertility cases. It's so common, yet hardly anyone ever talks about it. My husband has been amazing trying to be strong for me every step of the way, but I know inside he's hurting too. You're probably hoping the story will end with we're pregnant, but that's not quite the case yet. Still, we haven't lost hope. That's why I wanted to share this. Not to tell you our story, but to shout out to my husband and all the other men going through infertility, you are incredible. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to struggle. And it's so important to talk about it. Don't keep it all inside. You deserve support just as much as anyone. After many tests, we're finally getting closer to the answers and IVF might be our next step. Unless a real miracle happens. Through it all, your podcast has brought us moments of joy and laughter and what can feel like a really heavy journey. And for that we are so grateful. Wishing you all the best. You'll be amazing, amazing parents. And hopefully one day we can write in to say we're Nearly parents too, guys.

Sophie Lang (36:12)

And I'm rooting for you guys. And that is such a nice message and it's so important to all the guys out there too.

Jamie Lang (36:17)

And remember, get in touch with us. We'd love to hear from you at Nearly Parents Podcast. You can send us a DM or you can send us an email. Nearly parentsjamproproductions.co.uk and don't forget to send in your unsung heroes. Your unsung heroes want to hear from you. All of those, send them in.

Sophie Lang (36:32)

Okay, that's the end of listeners messages.

Jamie Lang (36:38)

So I didn't realize this was happening to everyone who is now listening to the podcast, but all of you are watching on YouTube. I have been strapped up to a labor simulator. It simulates what it's like during pregnancy. And we're apparently going to play a game. Thanks, Yui. What are we doing?

Sophie Lang (36:55)

It's called Contraction Reaction. Welcome to Contraction Reaction, the only sick, the only quiz show where every wrong answer makes Jamie scream like a newborn baby. Here's how it works. I'll ask you a series of questions all about babies and birth. For every question you get wrong, you'll be rewarded with a simulated contraction. And just to make things extra fun, each wrong answer means we crank the intensity up a little bit higher. Number one, how many weeks is a full term pregnancy?

Jamie Lang (37:25)

40.

Sophie Lang (37:27)

Right. What is the most common birth month in the uk?

Jamie Lang (37:32)

November. What is it?

Sophie Lang (37:36)

September.

Jamie Lang (37:37)

Oh, my God.

Sophie Lang (37:38)

We're up to level two now because we started on level one. What colour are a newborn's first poo?

Jamie Lang (37:46)

Black.

Sophie Lang (37:47)

Correct. True or false. Babies cry with an accent.

Jamie Lang (37:54)

False.

Sophie Lang (37:55)

True.

Jamie Lang (37:56)

What the hell?

Sophie Lang (37:57)

They pick up speech patterns from the moo.

Jamie Lang (37:59)

Ah. So. So have you pressed it up again?

Sophie Lang (38:00)

No, I didn't. You've got to stop screaming because I really don't like my baby tail. All that screaming.

Jamie Lang (38:05)

Ah, baby.

Sophie Lang (38:06)

Well, then rein it in. Which grows faster in the first year. A baby's brain. Their feet or their fingernails.

Jamie Lang (38:12)

Gotta be fingernails. Brain.

Sophie Lang (38:15)

Brain. We're now on four.

Jamie Lang (38:17)

It's obvious. I just. Ah. Shh.

Sophie Lang (38:20)

What's the average number of hours a newborn sleeps per day?

Jamie Lang (38:25)

16 hours.

Sophie Lang (38:26)

14 to 17.

Jamie Lang (38:27)

Yeah. I'm in it. I'm in it. Thank God. Please, no more. I can't. What level are we on?

Sophie Lang (38:30)

We're only on four.

Jamie Lang (38:31)

Oh, my God.

Sophie Lang (38:32)

How do you check if a baby's milk is the right temperature?

Jamie Lang (38:36)

Put it on your arm.

Sophie Lang (38:38)

No, put a few drops on the inside of your wrist.

Jamie Lang (38:40)

It's exactly the arm. Is that so?

Sophie Lang (38:43)

If you don't belong.

Jamie Lang (38:43)

Incorrect.

Sophie Lang (38:44)

Incorrect. We're going up. We're now on six, so I don't.

Jamie Lang (38:47)

Think I'll go any further. This is mental.

Sophie Lang (38:51)

Breathe through it. One step in front of the other. Just like you told all those people on that ultramarathon. What percentage of a couple says. Say that they've had sex in the baby's nursery?

Jamie Lang (39:03)

What percentage? Yeah, that's a complete and wild guess. There's no logic to that. 25%.

Sophie Lang (39:09)

10 to 15.

Momentous Advertiser (39:11)

Ah.

Jamie Lang (39:11)

Sophie.

Sophie Lang (39:11)

Sophie.

Jamie Lang (39:12)

Sophie.

Momentous Advertiser (39:12)

Sophie.

Sophie Lang (39:12)

Sophie.

Jamie Lang (39:12)

It's like gunshot. I can't do anymore. I can't do anymore. So I can't do it.

Sophie Lang (39:16)

Leave it. We'll leave it. Last question.

Jamie Lang (39:18)

Sophie. Sophie said. Listen. One more One more. One more.

Sophie Lang (39:20)

True or false?

Jamie Lang (39:21)

Sophie, just listen because you're gonna rip my stomach.

Sophie Lang (39:24)

True or false? Babies are born without kneecaps.

Jamie Lang (39:26)

Sophie, just hold on. So you can't go anymore.

Trusted House Sitters Advertiser (39:28)

I haven't.

Jamie Lang (39:29)

It's going to.

Sophie Lang (39:29)

True or false? Babies are born without kneecaps.

Jamie Lang (39:32)

False. True. True. True. True. True. No, you said false first.

Sophie Lang (39:37)

We're on. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. You. Two more. Go up to 10.

Jamie Lang (39:42)

I can't.

Sophie Lang (39:42)

Do it to yourself. I can't.

Jamie Lang (39:50)

Sophie. Oh, my God, mate, are you joking? Oh, my God. Are you joking? That's not funny. You've been panicked. Are you joking? That's dangerous. That's dangerous.

Sophie Lang (40:04)

That's abuse.

Jamie Lang (40:05)

That is abuse.

Sophie Lang (40:06)

What's abuse is all of you putting me through that. Now I know what I've got in store for me.

Jamie Lang (40:11)

That can't be real. What level did you got to? 10.

Sophie Lang (40:14)

I went up to him right at the end for one second. Don't even think I did.

Jamie Lang (40:17)

I think I'll die.

Sophie Lang (40:19)

Are you serious? Like, what's it feel like?

Jamie Lang (40:24)

I'm exhausted. Are you exhausted?

Sophie Lang (40:29)

Well, how bad was it?

Jamie Lang (40:30)

Yeah, dude, it was bad. Dude, like, like, that was bad. When it got to 10, that was like really pretty intense. I think it's probably bearable.

Sophie Lang (40:49)

Weird pregnancy tip of the week. Just reminded.

Jamie Lang (40:52)

I feel really sick. I'm honestly, that is like exhausting. Okay, no wonder you're exhausted after it.

Sophie Lang (40:56)

Listen, just a reminder, these weird and wonderful tips are from you lot and aren't based on any medical facts. So this is from Anonymous. Eating guinea pig meat during pregnancy will make the baby's hair grow.

Jamie Lang (41:11)

What?

Sophie Lang (41:12)

Guinea pig meat? I ate that once.

Jamie Lang (41:15)

Oh, brilliant.

Sophie Lang (41:17)

I think that's not true.

Jamie Lang (41:19)

Well, listen, everybody, after that I'm absolutely cream crackered. I have full blown respect for you even more than I did before, Sophie, because your journey is going to be a fun one.

Sophie Lang (41:29)

Guys, thank you so much for listening. We love you so much. We'll be back next week.

Jamie Lang (41:32)

You can get in touch via Instagram at Nearly Parents podcast or you can send us an email. Nearly parentsjampa productions.co.uk and if you haven't subscribed to our show already, please do. It does us absolute wonders.

Sophie Lang (41:43)

If you're getting married, good luck. If you're getting engaged, good luck. If you're getting pregnant, oh, go for it. If you're getting divorced, make sure you have a good. If you're single and it's fresh as we go up and have some fun.

Jamie Lang (41:57)

Wink, we'll see you next week. Goodbye.

Zyn Nicotine Pouches Advertiser (42:10)

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Trusted House Sitters Advertiser (42:41)

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Sophie Lang (43:11)

Smart Bed Can I make my site softer?

Jamie Lang (43:13)

Can I make my site firmer?

SimpliSafe Advertiser (43:14)

Can we sleep cooler?

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