Paige Desorbo (2:25)

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Jamie Lang (2:35)

Hello, I'm Jamie Lang.

Sophie Lang (2:37)

And I'm Sophie Lang.

Jamie Lang (2:38)

And we've been married for two years.

Sophie Lang (2:40)

And we're having a baby.

Jamie Lang (2:42)

Yes, we are.

Sophie Lang (2:44)

Are you ready?

Jamie Lang (2:45)

Let's go. Welcome to Nearly Parents, Everyone, the show where we talk about becoming parents. I'm Jamie.

Sophie Lang (2:53)

And I'm Sophie.

Jamie Lang (2:54)

Sophie has developed something called Braxton Hicks, which is quite.

Sophie Lang (2:58)

Developed it. I've had a few Braxton Hicks.

Jamie Lang (3:01)

What is it? Can you explain to Tevyn what it is?

Sophie Lang (3:03)

Well, I guess it feels like what mild labor feels like. It feels like a tightening over your stomach. And it's false labor, apparently.

Jamie Lang (3:11)

It's like a false labor thing that goes on, isn't it?

Sophie Lang (3:14)

Yeah, but my sister never had it.

Jamie Lang (3:15)

Yeah, but so many people have it.

Sophie Lang (3:17)

I don't know if it's Braxton Hicks, guys, or it's the fact that, again, I'm a werewolf and my. My body cannot cope with the sheer mass of my stomach because we just went away for the weekend and if you had seen what we ate, it would have put everyone to shame. Man verse, food out the door. Sophie and Jamie bus food winning. It was illegal. It was criminal. And I think my stomach might just be like, ow, ow, ow. With a baby with a placenta and with that sheer amount of food, it's not boding well. And I've woken up this morning and I'm like, I'm so hungry, because I always am, but I'm like, there's no space. There's no space left for me to eat. I don't know if it's Braxton Hicks, but just go to a doctor and get checked out. I just think it's always worth it, isn't it?

Jamie Lang (4:04)

So you're. So the baby is not crushing you at the moment.

Sophie Lang (4:08)

My stomach is. My stomach, as my dad likes to tell me, is enormous. Absolutely enormous.

Jamie Lang (4:18)

We were in the car. We were just. We had a lovely weekend away. It was a lovely little weekend away. And we get in the car and I'm just like, Sophie's in a good mood. She's feeling. She's feeling so.

Sophie Lang (4:27)

Nat. Surprised?

Jamie Lang (4:28)

No. Well, sometimes it's not surprising, but, you know, pregnancy can be a lot of the times, which I totally get, but you're in a good mood. And we're driving down the road and Sophie's dad phones her, and we pick up the phone and it's all nice. He's on loudspeaker in the car and Sophie's driving and he says, oh, my God, Sophie I saw a photo of you and. And you look enormous. Way bigger than your sister. And I just thought in my head, for sake, this is the day ruined.

Sophie Lang (4:55)

I was silent. I was like. And then my silence led to, no, but honestly, you're enormous. And then he led to, no, but you look healthy. You look healthy. Shut the fuck up. I don't want to be told I look healthy. It's like saying, oh, you look Bonnie.

Jamie Lang (5:14)

What do you mean, you look Bonnie?

Sophie Lang (5:15)

He's like saying, like, oh, like, you're bubbly. You're a bubbly person. I don't want to be told I look healthy or a normal.

Jamie Lang (5:24)

What do you want? What do you want to be told at the moment? That you look.

Sophie Lang (5:26)

Oh, my God, you look stunning.

Jamie Lang (5:27)

You look stunning. You look absolutely stunning. I tell you that every day. You look stunning.

Sophie Lang (5:32)

I don't need it from you. And you don't want to be told, is it twins, which I hear all the time, or oh, my God. Or no, the worst is, how far along are you? And I sit and they go, oh, my God, you are big. And I'm like, go, sling your hook.

Jamie Lang (5:49)

Sling a hook.

Sophie Lang (5:50)

Sling your hook.

Jamie Lang (5:51)

Sling your hook. Sophie also told me that she developed piles.

Sophie Lang (5:55)

No, I didn't say that I developed piles. I said that I didn't say that at all. And this absolutely may or may not be kept in. What I said is all I've seen throughout pregnancy is that hemorrhoid is like a pregnancy symptom. So I've been very conscious of me getting a hemorrhoid my entire pregnancy, and I, for a split, brief moment, thought I might have a hemorrhoid.

Jamie Lang (6:19)

Well, how did you notice it?

Sophie Lang (6:21)

I just thought, is that a hemorrhoid?

Jamie Lang (6:23)

Just explain. Talk me through. Talk me through the.

Sophie Lang (6:25)

No, I'm not going to. And then you felt it. No, I. What I'd like to know is why you have never fixed your hemorrhoids after 55 years.

Jamie Lang (6:34)

55 years.

Sophie Lang (6:35)

Like, why is that hemoi still floating around? Fix it, sort it out. You know, there's creams that, like, literally, it's like putting a plaster. You, like, keep the wound open. You don't want the wound to heal. You just want a hemorrhoid forever and ever and ever.

Jamie Lang (6:51)

Talk me through it.

Sophie Lang (6:51)

So I'm not going to.

Jamie Lang (6:53)

I need to know.

Sophie Lang (6:54)

Well, you're never going to know.

Jamie Lang (6:56)

Did you feel.

Sophie Lang (6:57)

No, I didn't. And there is no hemorrhoid, so I can confirm because you said to me, you said to me, I'm hemorrhoid three. And if you don't shut up, I will actually divorce you on the spot.

Jamie Lang (7:06)

You said to me, hop back in.

Sophie Lang (7:07)

No, I didn't say that at all. Guys, that's a complete and utter lie. And anyway, the whole of the UK saw your penis this weekend, so shove that in your pipe and smoke it.

Jamie Lang (7:17)

Oh, my God. Why don't we explain what happened? We had a lovely weekend away. We chilled, we relaxed, we had breakfast in bed. Haven't done that in ages because we can't do it in our house because Sophie doesn't like eating in our house.

Sophie Lang (7:31)

Basically, breakfast in bed with someone with Jamie's energy consists of 7am I wake up to Jamie's breath at 7:15. He goes, Right, should we get up? No, it's the weekend and I've gone away for bank holiday. He is out the bed by 7:30 every single morning and he doesn't get back in the bed. I am trying to sleep. Go back to sleep, because it's literally so early anyway. Then he's like, oh, I think we should go to the gym and then we can go for breakfast. I'm like, it's 7:15, it's on weekday, for fuck's sake. Finally, I convince him to get breakfast in bed. I'm like, please. You really.

Jamie Lang (8:07)

No, you convinced me to go back to sleep.

Sophie Lang (8:09)

I said, please. You said that this weekend you were gonna. The whole deal was Jamie was gonna order breakfast in bed whilst I was asleep, so when I woke up, there would be lovely food because I wake up starving. And I convince him to order breakfast in bed. Breakfast comes. Jamie eats his standing up, pacing around the bed, whilst I am like, you are doing any. Should we go eat this? Are you sure you don't want to put this outside? Do you not think we should just move this outside, like, no, off. And let me just eat my breakfast in bed. And then I said, please, can you just sit down? You cannot sit. You eat. Pacing. You're one side of the bed, then you're that side, then you're hovering over, then you're kissing me, then you're climbing on top of me. Just leave me alone. I've had a more relaxing time on my own. That's what breakfast and bed felt like with you.

Jamie Lang (8:55)

And then I'm getting changed and Sophie decides to take a photo of me. I'm completely naked, standing in front of the window.

Sophie Lang (9:04)

You weren't getting changed. You were looking at your reflection in front of the window.

Jamie Lang (9:07)

No, I wasn't. I was getting there. Was no clothes because I was getting changed.

Sophie Lang (9:10)

Sure.

Jamie Lang (9:11)

And I'm standing in front of the window and I'm completely naked, and Sophie takes a photo of me. Then what happens is this is Sophie goes, right, I'm just going to post a dump or whatever. So I'm going to post a dump on my Instagram. I'm like, sure, fine. Whatever. Don't worry. We also make a deal that we're going to have no phones the whole weekend. So we just completely relax. No phones, nothing at all. Sophie posts it done. We leave it gone. We leave our phones inside. We go on our day, about four hours later, we get a text from Sophie's sister saying, oh, my God, guys, check your Instagram. So we're like, what the hell?

Sophie Lang (9:42)

No. What Georgia did was said, oh, my God, guys. And she screenshot the photo and she suckled your penis on it.

Jamie Lang (9:48)

There's a picture of me on Sophie's Instagram. I'm completely butt naked, and in the reflection of the window, you can see my penis. And that has gone out to now a million people. It's gone out to a million people. And I'm like, what?

Sophie Lang (10:04)

No, the Picture actually has 3 million views.

Jamie Lang (10:08)

It has 3 million views. I'm going to read. We've now deleted it. I'm going to read some of the comments. Damn, I missed this picture of my penis.

Sophie Lang (10:17)

I know. There's like a. I think there's like a support group now for the people who missed it. And they're all sending your picture to it. Did you know that? Because everyone's like, can someone send me the picture?

Jamie Lang (10:27)

Another one came to see the dick pic and was very disappointed that it's now being removed. I didn't realize how big you were.

Sophie Lang (10:33)

You're just reading all the ones that you want.

Jamie Lang (10:34)

I'm reading what it just says. I'm just reading literally what it says.

Sophie Lang (10:38)

Someone's getting a little bit flushed over there.

Jamie Lang (10:40)

How did he get her pregnant with that tiny thing?

Sophie Lang (10:42)

What?

Jamie Lang (10:42)

Imagine if I posted a picture of your vagina on the Internet.

Sophie Lang (10:47)

I would literally never forgive you. But there are pictures of your penis all over the Internet. If you really dug deep enough, you'd find it.

Jamie Lang (10:53)

I know there are loads of pictures of my penis penis on the Internet, but that's fine.

Sophie Lang (10:56)

But how many loads?

Jamie Lang (10:57)

There's quite a few.

Sophie Lang (10:58)

So there you go. It's nothing new. Everyone's seen it before.

Jamie Lang (11:01)

I just.

Sophie Lang (11:02)

I personally zoomed in and can't really see it. I can see the outline of a penis, but, like, I so if you.

Jamie Lang (11:08)

Can see my full penis.

Sophie Lang (11:09)

You can't see, like, can you see.

Jamie Lang (11:12)

Did you see it? I hate to say it, but I saw it, yeah.

Sophie Lang (11:15)

Can you see full penis? You can see full penis. I could just see like the size. No, it's. Yeah, it's not that detailed, but you can see what it looks like. Deep. Like in detail. No, not in detail, but you can see. You can see the size of his penis. Yeah.

Jamie Lang (11:30)

Okay, well, I'm going to read.

Sophie Lang (11:31)

Nothing to be ashamed of. Really? No.

Jamie Lang (11:33)

Congratulations. It's like an arm.

Sophie Lang (11:36)

Well.

Jamie Lang (11:37)

Well, the other thing that happened on the weekend was I. We were in the gym together and we're having a lovely little gym session and I decided I need to go and take a number two. So don't roll your eyes at me.

Sophie Lang (11:50)

I've never known someone who's so comfortable with shitting in public. Like, we are. Two minute walk from. From our room. At what point didn't you think, I'm either gonna go home or I'm gonna hold on.

Jamie Lang (12:01)

So any of you guys. Lizzy will relate. So I was like, oh, just put down the weight, put down the weights. And I went to go and take a number two. So I went to the bathroom to take a number two and I was sitting on the loo and I don't know what happens. I get engrossed and like my phone. I've got into chess recently, so I was playing a little bit of chess. I then was like scrolling some. I was probably on there for about 10 minutes.

Sophie Lang (12:22)

12.

Jamie Lang (12:22)

Okay, let's call it 12 minutes. Went to leave, opened the door, and as I opened the door, there was a queue of women. There's a queue of women standing outside the loo. And I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I looked at the sign on the loo and I was in the woman's. So the next woman had to go in to what I can only describe as like a fart box. It stank.

Sophie Lang (12:48)

Like a farmyard, it stank. You stink. I know exactly what you smell like. And that is so embarrassing. I feel really upset.

Jamie Lang (12:58)

I was so embarrassed.

Sophie Lang (12:59)

I actually, genuinely.

Jamie Lang (13:00)

I actually went red. I was so embarrassed. I never go red.

Sophie Lang (13:02)

I can't. If I had done that and come out to a load of men, I would have just. I would have dropped to the floor and played dead. I would have had to.

Jamie Lang (13:11)

I want you to talk about how much. Also, we've spoke about the fact that we're eating a lot during your pregnancy. You are eating a lot. But can you Talk. Can you walk? No. Can you walk me through what you ate in a day?

Sophie Lang (13:20)

It's not that much, is it?

Jamie Lang (13:22)

You ate two melons. You ate two family sized melons in a day.

Sophie Lang (13:28)

I don't know why you find that shocking. I literally think that's my healthiest day.

Jamie Lang (13:32)

No, no, no. You walked me through the day.

Sophie Lang (13:34)

Okay, I'll have like three scrambled eggs and like feta cheese. This is my morning. Squid, three scrambled eggs, feta cheese, some fruit, chia seeds. Then I attempted to go to the gym but I was too starving. So I had eggs on toast just outside the gym. Sacked off the gym.

Jamie Lang (13:51)

Yeah, yeah.

Sophie Lang (13:51)

Eggs on toast, bacon. Sat off the gym, came home starving from the 15 minute walk. Had a whole melon, then.

Jamie Lang (13:59)

It's about A whole melon?

Sophie Lang (14:01)

Yeah, a whole cantaloupe melon. They're quite small. And then I had a family packet of popcorn. Popcorn. My favorite family.

Jamie Lang (14:09)

Is that the big bags?

Sophie Lang (14:10)

Yeah. Okay.

Jamie Lang (14:11)

Sweet and salty or salty, just salted.

Sophie Lang (14:13)

And I chuck in some cookie dough in there.

Jamie Lang (14:14)

What time in the morning is this?

Sophie Lang (14:16)

This is like pre lunch. It's like 11:30 to tide me over.

Sarah Gibson Tuttle (14:21)

Then.

Sophie Lang (14:25)

It'S absolutely elite. Then I'm absolutely ragefully hungry again. So I go around to the shop and I got a sausage roll and some salad from the thing. Starving again. So I had another pot. Packet of popcorn with the cookie dough again. Cookie dough. That's a whole family bag gone.

Jamie Lang (14:42)

So that's two family bags then starving.

Sophie Lang (14:45)

And so I had a whole watermelon. Then I have dinner, whatever that may be. I think it was like weird chick Thai chicken mints. That was lovely.

Jamie Lang (14:53)

Yeah, you had that.

Sophie Lang (14:54)

And then I had just a yogurt bowl and grillin and that was my day. That's a regular day in the pregnancy life.

Jamie Lang (15:01)

I'm reading this book at the moment which I got given by a friend, which by the way, any men out there should read it. It's called Pregnancy for Men. It is unbelievable how accurate this book is. It's like explains everything that's going on.

Hannah Berner (15:15)

Your.

Jamie Lang (15:15)

Your, your deepest emotions. It tells you you're going to feel these things, the things that you're. Gonna. Both.

Sophie Lang (15:21)

Both. That's really interesting.

Jamie Lang (15:24)

So this book is actually unbelievable and also it tells you so many things you're experiencing that no one is telling you about.

Sophie Lang (15:30)

Like what?

Jamie Lang (15:31)

Well, like how to interact with your partner. They tell you loads of things like that. They talk about pregnancy dreams, which by the way, you're having so many at the moment.

Sophie Lang (15:40)

I did. I had a Dream that someone dyed my hair black last night and it looked slay, but everyone hated it.

Jamie Lang (15:47)

So what are the weird dreams do you keep having?

Sophie Lang (15:48)

Oh, my God, loads. I had one that I. I told you about the dream that I had cheated on you with Damon from Vampire Diaries. You and then Tate McRae. I was snogging all three of you on a night out.

Jamie Lang (16:01)

You were scissoring Tate McRae.

Hannah Berner (16:02)

No, I wasn't.

Sophie Lang (16:03)

And it wasn't actually Tate McRae in the dream. But, like, looking back, was like her because it was identical to her and Damon and you. But you were my husband and you were like, sophie, where'd you keep going? I was literally just going from the three of you snogging. Everyone snogging.

Jamie Lang (16:17)

You hate snogging. You do this thing where I go to slogan.

Sophie Lang (16:20)

You go, no, because you're so. You're. I don't. I laugh because you literally, like, close your eyes this far away from me to snog me. So I'm here and you go. And I'm like, are you joking? Like, is this a skit? Like, is someone having me on that? That is what you. I don't.

Jamie Lang (16:39)

How do you want me to snog?

Sophie Lang (16:41)

When we first together, you did not close your eyes from across the table and go. Because I would have been like, whoa, back off. You. It's.

Jamie Lang (16:49)

You were like this.

Sophie Lang (16:51)

You've forgotten, like, how to kiss.

Jamie Lang (16:54)

No, I have not. I'm a good kisser.

Sophie Lang (16:55)

You don't pause and then a meter away, open your mouth with your eyes shut until your head also. You never tilt your head. You go straight and straight. And I'm like, where am I gonna go?

Jamie Lang (17:05)

You don't snog me. You don't like a snog.

Sophie Lang (17:07)

You. You.

Jamie Lang (17:08)

You told me in the shower on the weekend, you're like, I actually don't like snogging.

Sophie Lang (17:12)

I really. Unless you're having sex. Like, I don't really want to have a snogging match in the shower. And I'm. I, by the way, I'm literally just off the gym and wanted to shower on my own. I'm not in that sexy, sexy pregnant lady trying to, like, get it on my husband. He comes into the shower every time I have a shower, which is fine.

Jamie Lang (17:28)

No, I like the shower because, trust me, now, there's no. There's no chance that I know that we're going to get an ar. Like, there is, like, no part of me.

Sophie Lang (17:37)

Jamie, you tried for love nor money.

Jamie Lang (17:40)

I give it a little go, but a little Go.

Sophie Lang (17:42)

You're practically begging me on your hands and knees.

Jamie Lang (17:45)

No, I'm not. And then you say to me, trust me, I'm not even horny in the slightest. That's the words you say to me when I'm in the shower naked. You're like, no, just please.

Sophie Lang (17:55)

I don't. Like, I feel this baby kick me all day, every day. And I know, and now the world knows that that is gonna touch the baby if you go inside me.

Jamie Lang (18:06)

My penis has not touched the baby.

Sophie Lang (18:08)

As you said. It's like an arm.

Jamie Lang (18:10)

It doesn't matter if it's an arm or a leg or just whatever, it doesn't reach.

Sophie Lang (18:14)

I do not want that prodding anywhere near my child. And it is not gonna happen.

Jamie Lang (18:19)

Why not?

Sophie Lang (18:19)

Until the day I want to give birth. So hold your horses and buckle out. You've not got long to get yourself.

Jamie Lang (18:25)

Wait. Sassy girl. So just so I know we're not going to be having sex. Don't roll your eyes at me. We're not going to be having any sort of sex until the actual time comes when you want to give birth.

Sophie Lang (18:36)

Correct.

Jamie Lang (18:37)

So I'm just being used?

Sophie Lang (18:39)

Correct.

Jamie Lang (18:40)

Well, that is that. Do you know, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

Sophie Lang (18:46)

To be fair, I don't blame you because I don't think I'll look very appealing at that point.

Jamie Lang (18:51)

All right, listen, you know, it's been a hectic week, guys, so it's time for dictionary dict.

Sophie Lang (19:00)

I have some words for you that are pregnancy and birth related, and I want you to tell me what they mean.

Jamie Lang (19:05)

Give it to me, honey.

Sophie Lang (19:06)

Lightning.

Jamie Lang (19:07)

Lightning. I have no idea. What is that?

Sophie Lang (19:09)

When the baby drops lower in the pelvis before labor. And let me tell you, I was reading this book. I told. I said it before. I can't remember what it was called. The positive bathing book, okay? And it said that this moment, right, is when every woman, like, you know, literally, if they're trying to do it natural without any medication, they suddenly there's like chapters of people writing what they say, right? Like quotes, sorry. And five out of ten were, I want to die. I want to die. They grabbing, going, inject me with something. And they run out of the pool because they are just desperate to get away from it. They're like, the pain is so indescribable. And that, I think, is the lightning when the. When your vagina dilates to the size of a packet of triangle cheeses. That's what it said in the book. And I was like, oh, my God. So my vagina is going to get that big. My opening.

Jamie Lang (20:08)

Not much for it to go.

Sophie Lang (20:13)

No, but actually think about that. At one moment it's like whatever it is. And then it just. It grows to that. It's so strange. And when does your ass.

Jamie Lang (20:24)

Does your asshole.

Sophie Lang (20:25)

No, it's not funny.

Jamie Lang (20:27)

No, imagine.

Sophie Lang (20:28)

What I want to know is like, how. How does that then shrink back?

Jamie Lang (20:31)

It doesn't.

Sophie Lang (20:32)

Well, that's for you, not for me. It won't make a difference for me. Right, Number two.

Jamie Lang (20:38)

Sorry. Your vagina is going to go to the size of a triangle's cheese.

Sophie Lang (20:42)

You know, triangle cheeses. Dairy triangle cheeses. You know, they come in a circle and you open it up and you bite one. It used that as the description. And I. Oh, my God, that's big. That is big.

Jamie Lang (20:54)

They used the dairy Lee triangle.

Sophie Lang (20:57)

Yeah.

Jamie Lang (20:58)

No, they didn't.

Sophie Lang (20:59)

I shit you not. They did.

Jamie Lang (21:00)

Honey, there's no way.

Sophie Lang (21:01)

I swear that they did. They used something else as well. Essentially it's. Oh, it's a bagel. That's what they said.

Jamie Lang (21:06)

A bagel the size of a bagel.

Sophie Lang (21:08)

Yes. That's what my hole in my vagina will become.

Jamie Lang (21:11)

The size of a bagel.

Sophie Lang (21:13)

Yes. Because a baby's head has to pop out of it.

Jamie Lang (21:16)

Fucking hell.

Sophie Lang (21:17)

And apparently when it gets to that point, it's like indescribable feeling. I can't remember what they call it. It might be the lightning.

Jamie Lang (21:24)

I just need to. Does that not make you excited? Because that is honestly.

Sophie Lang (21:30)

Let me think.

Jamie Lang (21:31)

Home really smoked. Okay, that's good.

Sophie Lang (21:34)

Ferguson reflex.

Jamie Lang (21:36)

What is Ferguson reflex?

Sophie Lang (21:37)

The body's dramatic final push signal. During childbirth, when the baby's head presses down on the cervix, it triggers a powerful hormonal chain reaction that makes the uterus contract even harder and spots an unstoppable urgent to push. No, but also I read that there's this really interesting point, right? So you get to this point, right, Your vagina dilates.

Jamie Lang (21:57)

Yes.

Sophie Lang (21:58)

Okay, guys, don't come for me if I've read this a bit wrong and I've got the timing spit wrong. But supposedly can't remember what it's called. But it's like the. The chill zone. And some women get it. So they're like this. And then they just go, oh, I need a nap. And they just sleep for half an hour or an hour. And it's.

Jamie Lang (22:12)

While it's dilated.

Sophie Lang (22:13)

Yeah. After the most excruciating pain because.

Jamie Lang (22:16)

Because your adrenaline's dropped.

Sophie Lang (22:17)

Just because the body's then like you're gonna have a nap now and then you're gonna push and the baby's gonna come out. Out of my bagel sized vagina.

Jamie Lang (22:25)

I really hope that bagel sized vagina goes back to normal.

Sophie Lang (22:28)

We're gonna try and shove the bagel just to be sure.

Jamie Lang (22:30)

So where I'm gonna hold all my.

Sophie Lang (22:31)

Bagels, I'm gonna keep darily cheese up there. Cephalic.

Jamie Lang (22:39)

Cephalic. Something to do with penises. Cephalic.

Sophie Lang (22:43)

That is when the baby is positioned, head down, cerphallic.

Jamie Lang (22:47)

All right.

Sophie Lang (22:47)

Is that good?

Jamie Lang (22:48)

That's where you are. You don't have to be the other way around. When I was born, I was the other way around.

Sophie Lang (22:51)

You came out cesarean, babe.

Jamie Lang (22:53)

Yes, I. That's because I was the other way around.

Sophie Lang (22:55)

But why did you.

Jamie Lang (22:56)

So I would have come out legs.

Sophie Lang (22:57)

I'm so. By the way, I have a bone to pick with you. Okay. Right. So number one, why did you. If you were cephalic, why did you get taken out a month early? Wouldn't they just wait until you flip back?

Jamie Lang (23:08)

No, I was the wrong way around and I wanted to come early.

Sophie Lang (23:11)

Oh, right. Okay. So that was my one thing. Secondly, you know that you were like. I was a tiny little baby. Yes, you were enormous.

Jamie Lang (23:18)

No, I wasn't.

Sophie Lang (23:19)

You were a month early and you were six pound five. That is so big. People are born that up 40 weeks.

Jamie Lang (23:25)

Yeah, because I'm absolute stud.

Sophie Lang (23:26)

All right, that's the end of Dictionary Corner Pregnancy Edition.

Jamie Lang (23:32)

And ladies and gentlemen, it's time for listeners messages.

Sarah Gibson Tuttle (23:43)

Who here loves when their nails are done perfectly?

Paige Desorbo (23:46)

Me.

Sarah Gibson Tuttle (23:46)

I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle and I started Olive in June because let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails. But who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the nail salon? That's why I created the gel mani system. So you can have that salon quality gel manicure right at home. And guess what, the best part, each mani only costs $2. Yep, you heard me. $2.

Sophie Lang (24:08)

No more.

Sarah Gibson Tuttle (24:09)

60, 70, $80 salon trips that eat up your day. Now you can paint your nails whenever you want, wherever you want. And trust me, you're going to be obsessed with your nails and everyone is going to ask you where you got them done. And here's a little something extra. Head over to oliveandjune.com and get 20% off your first gel mani system with code DIYGEL20. That's code DIYGEL20 for 20% off your first mani system. At olivenjune.com DIY GEL20AI.

Sophie Lang (24:39)

Had the time.

Jamie Lang (24:41)

Of my my life. Hey, I never felt this way before.

Paige Desorbo (24:46)

From building timelines to assigning the right people, and even spotting risks across dozens of projects, Monday Sidekick knows your business, thinks ahead, and takes action. One click on the star and consider it done.

Jamie Lang (24:58)

And I owe it all to you.

Sophie Lang (25:02)

Try Monday Sidekick AI you'll love to use on Monday.com you know what's wild? Most people are still overpaying for car insurance just because it's a pain to Switch. That's why there's Jerry. Jerry's the only app that compares rates from over 50 insurance in minutes and helps you switch fast. With no spam calls or hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year. Before you renew your car insurance policy, do yourself a favor, download the Jerry app or head to Jerry AI Acast.

Zyn Nicotine Pouches Advertiser (25:34)

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Jamie Lang (26:04)

Old school security kicks in after the break in Too late. Simplisafe rewinds the story. Stopping crime before it starts. Active Guard Outdoor Protection uses AI powered cameras to detect intruders, alert live monitoring agents, and can deter intruders before they reach your door. Its proactive protection plus a 60 day money back guarantee and no contracts. To get 60% off your new system, go to SimpliSafe.com podcast that's SimpliSafe.com podcast There's no safe like SimpliSafe.

Sophie Lang (26:39)

From Ellie. Me and my husband have been together since we were teenagers going on 16 years now. I'm proud to say we've always had an active sex life, but that doesn't come without some mortifying stories. When we were younger, living with our parents, we had been out drinking one night and came back to my husband's parents house. No one was home, so we thought it'd be fun to just have sex really loud. I can't say why. Maybe we wanted to pretend we were in an adult film. We then thought it was a good idea to go and have sex in the Back garden. And we were going for it for quite a while. The next morning after we got to work, my husband realized he had left a used condom on the dining table. No. His only option was to text his older sister who lived close by to dispose of it before her parents. His parents got home. Not ideal, but what a great sister. She went and got rid of the evidence. We thought, phew, we got away with it. However, my husband received a text from his brother telling him he was home last night. I heard us going at it for hours and asked us kindly to keep it down next time. The worst part is the bedroom he was staying in looked over the garden. So to this day, we have no idea if he looked out the window to see what was all the commotion. Was. Ten years later, I still cringe when I think about it. And we've never discussed it with this brother or sister.

Jamie Lang (27:52)

It's just absolute rogue.

Sophie Lang (27:54)

That's right. Can I just say, the sister would have been. Or the brother would have been. So repulsed and so angry. If I'd had my sister having a raging loud sex for four hours, I'd be like, I. I want to rip punch you. And I would have to send her a message to really shame her.

Jamie Lang (28:09)

That's like a lot. To have loud sex like that is a lot.

Sophie Lang (28:13)

I don't know what you're talking about, you big prude.

Jamie Lang (28:14)

No, no, I. I like loud sex. To be honest, I don't remember what sex is like. I'm. I'm not even joking. It's. It's like a distant memory.

Sophie Lang (28:21)

Yes. Okay.

Jamie Lang (28:22)

Loud. Have you ever had loud sex?

Sophie Lang (28:24)

Yes. You have. Who hasn't? What you want quite mouse. When you have sex, you've had loud. You're silent when you have sex.

Jamie Lang (28:33)

So are you.

Sophie Lang (28:34)

No, I'm not. Okay, let's just move on.

Jamie Lang (28:36)

Okay?

Sophie Lang (28:37)

I find silent sex weirder than loud sex.

Jamie Lang (28:40)

Okay, here we go from Aaron. When I was pregnant with my son and about 32 weeks pregnant, I had some unexpected bleeding and pain and was told to go straight to hospital. When I was about to be examined, the doctor came in and asked if I would be willing to have some students come in and observe as they are renowned for teaching in the hospital. I was expecting one, maybe two students. So here I am, legs akimbo on the stirrups, naked from waist down, ready for my internal examination and walk ins. I shit you not. 10 students in this tiny examination room, plus me, my partner, and a doctor. This should be illegal. This is ridiculous. Now it's important for you to understand that the doctor had a very thick accent. The doctor is starting examination. He's pointing out anatomical landmarks to the students. And I'm just there staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to be over, when the doctor says what I think was and here is the ass. My partner tries to hold back a lot, the partners in the room as well, but I can see his shoulders shaking out of the corner of my eye with which is so infectious that I also start silently cry, laughing. I'm laughing so hard that I can only imagine what they would be seeing down the business end. I can only imagine said was twitching. Surely he did not actually just point out my to students. Now my son is 9 years old and happy and healthy. But to this day I still don't know what the doctor actually said. Oh, the things we go through. That's hilarious.

Sophie Lang (30:06)

It's too good. Okay, so I've got one from Anonymous. A few years back, I was working with my best friend, who at the time was in a relationship with our boss. Because of that, I got on quite well with him too. And every so often I'd give him a lift home if they'd had one too many at the pub. Usually he'd invite me in for a quick coffee before I headed off. One particular evening, I was giving him a lift. While feeling a little backed up, I figured a strong coffee would get things moving. Sure enough, after we sat chatting over our mugs, I felt the rumble and excused myself to the bathroom. What followed can only be described as sheep droppings. Tiny round pellets. One after another, I wiped, folded the tissue neatly, and then, to my horror, one rogue nugget rolled off, bounced across the floor and disappeared. There's no way to small gap under the bath. Panic set in immediately. I dropped to my hands and knees with my phone torch, desperately trying to locate my runaway pallet. I could see it mocking me from its hiding place, but there was no chance of retrieving.

Jamie Lang (31:08)

Mocking me.

Sophie Lang (31:09)

I searched the bathroom for anything that might help me fish it out, but no luck. All I could think was how on earth do I walk back out there knowing I've just left a poo under my boss's bath?

Jamie Lang (31:21)

Sorry, I just left a poo under your bath.

Sophie Lang (31:23)

A pellet. Thankfully, fortune was on my side. When I returned to the lounge, the bears had done their job. He was fast asleep, snoring on the sofa. I grabbed my bag, quietly, slipped out, and from that night onwards, I never offered him a left lift again. A couple of months later, he sold the house and to this day I still wonder, did anyone ever discover that lonely little sheep paddle under the bar? Oh my God, that is so funny.

Jamie Lang (31:49)

Can I just say we've had so many amazing listeners messages today. Still the one that pokes out of my mind. I know we Repeat every like 6 months, but still the story of the girl who went to the wedding and they did wedding photos and she decided to moony the photos in the wedding and she mooneyed it and they all every guest got the photos back and her Mooney, you could see her asshole.

Sophie Lang (32:12)

Is that she ever. Okay.

Jamie Lang (32:14)

This is a love story from Tom. Hi Jamie. Me and my fiance love listening to your podcast together. Unfortunately for you, we have come to the decision that Sophie is probably funnier. Sorry mate. We get married on the 24th of September and I was hoping you could write one of your perfectly worded poems for us for the wedding day. Her name's Fion. We met working for the same recruitment company based in Cardiff. We have been together almost four years now. We shared our first kiss in the horrible work underground car park, which we still joke about. Today I proposed to her in Pembrokeshire as that's where her family's home is and they still have a lovely cottage there. We are also getting married not far from there in West Wales. We have a cute dog called Tally. It was originally just her dog, but he likes me more now. She gets annoyed about how much I play golf. But all in all, we've created a great life together and I cannot wait to continue it as husband and wife. Wishing you and the almost family of three all the love in the world.

Sophie Lang (33:13)

Oh, guys, do a poem there.

Jamie Lang (33:15)

Can you make up a poem?

Sophie Lang (33:16)

We got engaged in Pembrokeshire.

Jamie Lang (33:18)

Hard one to rhyme with go.

Sophie Lang (33:20)

But let me tell you, my dear, I do not fear because of our sweet, sweet dog named Tally. I know that one day I will get with you again down an alley as husband and wife. And you will not take that knife. Because forever and always you will be mine. I love you, Fion. And if you want one day we can have a son named Dion. My name is Tom. I love you. I love you. You smell like poo.

Jamie Lang (33:59)

What does that rhyme with?

Sophie Lang (34:01)

You and pooh? I thought that was quite good.

Jamie Lang (34:05)

You. Oh my God. What are you calling it?

Sophie Lang (34:08)

A tale of Tally.

Jamie Lang (34:12)

Oh God.

Sophie Lang (34:13)

You do yours, you little sucker.

Jamie Lang (34:14)

All right, here we go. There once was a man called Tom who really fancied a girl called Fion. He spoke to her one day and said, Would you like to come to bed? She gasped she didn't quite know what he meant and he just tried to make a little dent in her heart because he loved her so. And then he went to Pembrokeshire Low in Wales. They got married so far.

Sophie Lang (34:42)

And then they went and drove off in a car. Alas, Fion and Tom, they said good luck and goodbye. Don't forget to bring Tally's bed.

Jamie Lang (34:55)

There you go. Congratulations, guys.

Sophie Lang (34:58)

Love you guys.

Jamie Lang (34:59)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, as always, please, please keep sending in your messages. We'd love to hear from them. Keep sending them into Nearly Parents. Nearly parents@jambo productions.co.uk Send us an email or you can sign to our DMs at nearly parents podcast that is on Instagram where it's on TikTok. We're also on everywhere. So go and please do it. And that's the end of listeners messages. We haven't mentioned this in a while, but I'm going to tell you what your big ick is, Maya. You have a huge ick.

Sophie Lang (35:31)

Okay.

Jamie Lang (35:32)

You, in the morning, want to order dippy eggs?

Sophie Lang (35:37)

No, I don't want to order dippy eggs. I have avo on eggs with bread. You were like, what is it that I want to order? What is it? I was like, sick to death of this game. Maybe dippy eggs.

Jamie Lang (35:49)

Dippy eggs. The biggest ick I've ever.

Sophie Lang (35:52)

Yeah, it is an egg. I'll give you what your epic is. Your big tea drinker. So icky. Have a coffee, mate. What do you mean that I can't bear the tea?

Jamie Lang (36:05)

That's not what I do. Fine. Okay, do you know what? We haven't done this while we're gonna go into our ex because we love each other. I love you a hell of a lot, but I'm gonna go into our ex.

Sophie Lang (36:16)

Can I just say so I'm gonna broadcast this. I find men drinking tea icky. I'm gonna put it out there. I don't like it. I really don't. I don't like it.

Jamie Lang (36:24)

Okay. Do you know what?

Sophie Lang (36:24)

You know what your biggest ick is?

Jamie Lang (36:26)

Do you know your biggest ick is?

Sophie Lang (36:27)

I know. Oh, do you mean my biggest ick or my ick with you?

Jamie Lang (36:30)

No, my ick with you. Do you know what it is when I come into the shower and you're. You're hunched over like Cosimodo and you're shaving your vagina. You're shaving your vagina and you're hunched like some sort of, like, scary goblin, and I'm like, what are you doing? And you turn around you turn around at me holding. Or I'll just hold my razor. My razor that you're shaving your vajayjay with. Do you know what another ick that I have for you is this.

Sophie Lang (36:56)

What?

Jamie Lang (36:56)

This. Wake up in the morning.

Sophie Lang (37:01)

That is a solid egg. I'll give it.

Jamie Lang (37:02)

Taking out her thing, and then she puts in this little machine. It is honestly every day. Come on, give me another one. Just one more.

Sophie Lang (37:12)

Oh. I really, really don't like how quickly you eat your food, but it's not so much of an ick. It just pisses me off. I'm like, we're just having a nice meal. You've eaten it when I've literally just drank my water. Meals gone, and then all you want to do is leave. And I'm like, I literally. I have such bad indigestion every time I eat a meal with you because I'm trying to gobble the food in as quickly as you shove that stuff down your goblet.

Jamie Lang (37:34)

God. It's good. Okay, I tell you what. The fact that we've just done the X, we should do things that we love about each other.

Sophie Lang (37:39)

All right. Love a boy.

Jamie Lang (37:41)

Okay, so what do you love about me?

Sophie Lang (37:42)

I like that you make me laugh all the time.

Jamie Lang (37:44)

Anything else?

Sophie Lang (37:45)

Loads of things. Like, we have the best time.

Jamie Lang (37:47)

I'll tell you what I like. I like brushing you like a horse in the morning. I go and get this horse brush and I brush her skin.

Sophie Lang (37:54)

He's done it once.

Jamie Lang (37:55)

I quite like doing that. What do I love about you? I love the fact that you make me laugh.

Sophie Lang (38:00)

I just love, like, I love spending time with you. They're my only ex. The rest of it I love.

Jamie Lang (38:05)

Are you now more. Are you excited that we're gonna be parents together?

Sophie Lang (38:10)

Yes, of course.

Jamie Lang (38:11)

What are you most excited about? Because someone told me this. This is a really magical thing that I never really thought about. Right. When it comes to parenthood, you go through this whole pregnancy period, which is beautiful and amazing. You then go into the labor and everything's touchwood is all great. Everything's fine. The moment that you get in the car and you drive home and you have your baby in the backseat, apparently, that moment is wild. And the moment that you walk into the house for the first time as a three. You're a three every single time you've walked into the house as a two. And then suddenly you walk into house and for the rest of our lives. Whoa. God. What the hell is happening to me? Oh, God. I'm obviously tired. Something's really got me. Yeah. You walk into the house as a three forever.

Sophie Lang (38:53)

I know. It's so cool.

Jamie Lang (38:55)

That is just the most incredible thing. Forever. Forever. Forever. You and I are going to be a three. No emotion whatsoever. I do.

Sophie Lang (39:05)

I think it's so amazing. I'm so excited. I wouldn't have wanted to do it with anyone else, honey.

Jamie Lang (39:10)

And you know what else is exciting, Guys, I'm gonna go and buy a pram. And I know that sounds lame and weird, but I cannot wait.

Sophie Lang (39:15)

And I keep saying this is that I'm going for.

Jamie Lang (39:18)

I picked it out.

Sophie Lang (39:18)

This is a couple thing that we have to discuss together. I'm gonna be pushing the pram more than you.

Jamie Lang (39:23)

Well, it doesn't matter. I've picked it out. I know exactly what I want. It's gonna be absolutely badass.

Sophie Lang (39:27)

All right. Badass.

Jamie Lang (39:29)

I freaking can't wait for all of it.

Sophie Lang (39:31)

Yeah.

Jamie Lang (39:31)

All right, everybody, listen. We hope you enjoyed the episode, really do. And please come back next week on another Monday for another episode. Remember to share this with your friends. Share it across the world with all of your buddies. Tell the world about Nearly Parents and remember to subscribe to our show. Also, get in touch at NearlyParents podcast. Send us an email nearlyparentsjampa productions.co.uk and of course, we're on YouTube. Also, guys, we've mentioned this before, but we want to surprise any unsung heroes out there. So if you know someone who's an unsung hero, it could be your teacher, your local postman, your brother, your sister, your aunt, your uncle, your mum, your dad, your partner, your husband, your wife, anyone that you think deserves something special because they've done something amazing. We want to hear from you. It can be anything. It could be anything at all. They could have done a marathon. They could have raised money. They could have done something that no one else saw apart from you. But they need to be shouted about it. Let us know because we want to champion them in the most special way. Send it into at NearlyParents podcast on our Instagram or you can send us an email nearly parentsampodproductions.co.uk do we have a weird pregnancy tip of the week? Yui? We do. Just to let you know on these pregnancy tips before I announce it. They are not scientific based, we are not experts. These are people sending them in and they may be real or may not be real. So here's a weird pregnancy tip of the week from Anonymous. Jamie, the more time you spend nude around Sophie's stomach, the more the fetus will feel your fatherly presence and will feel more comfortable with you when it's born.

Sophie Lang (41:08)

No ways.

Jamie Lang (41:09)

I can't wait. I'm gonna be naked all the time.

Sophie Lang (41:10)

You are naked all the time.

Jamie Lang (41:12)

I'm naked all the time. I love it.

Sophie Lang (41:13)

That's really sweet. You can be naked all the time.

Jamie Lang (41:15)

I will do.

Sophie Lang (41:16)

That's the end of nearly parents and ladies and gentlemen.

Jamie Lang (41:21)

We'll be back next week for another episode. Until then, stay safe out there. Cats. Wear a seat belt and be honest with your partners. And if you're getting married, good luck. You're getting divorced, good luck. If you're single and ready to mingle, we love you.

Sophie Lang (41:34)

Go have fun.

Jamie Lang (41:35)

If you are having a baby, yeah.

Sophie Lang (41:38)

Baby, just do it.

Jamie Lang (41:39)

Go and get that penis in there and that bagel vagina and go for it. And we'll see you next week. Goodbye.

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Paige Desorbo (42:23)

Hey, I'm Paige desorbo and I'm always thinking about underwear.

Hannah Berner (42:26)

I'm Hannah Berner and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

Paige Desorbo (42:33)

Actually, I never think about underwear. That's the magic of Tommy John.

Hannah Berner (42:37)

Same. They're so light and so comfy. And if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

Paige Desorbo (42:41)

And the bras? Soft, supportive and actually breathable.

Hannah Berner (42:45)

Yes. Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery, soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night. That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Paige Desorbo (42:56)

Plus they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Hannah Berner (42:59)

Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Paige Desorbo (43:01)

Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John. Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.comfortc site for details. You know, Hannah and I love a good bedrotting session. Reality TV snacks nearby. And now I've leveled up with my self care game with this shark beauty Cryoglow. The number one skincare facial device in the us.

Hannah Berner (43:22)

Wait. I'm obsessed with it. I've had it for a while actually and it's the only mask that combines high energy LEDs, infrared and under eye cooling. I really need this because nothing wakes me up in the morning. You could do four treatments in one better aging, Skin Clearing, Skin sustain, and my favorite the under eye Revive with Insta Chill Cold Tech. You put it on and it just feels so good under your eyes. Like I actually feel like I got eight hours of sleep.

Paige Desorbo (43:46)

It's truly like a luxury spa moment while you're literally horizontal. It's perfect for post workout Sunday scaries or when you just want to glow while rotting.

Hannah Berner (43:55)

To treat yourself to the number one LED beauty mask this holiday season, go to sharkninja.com and use promo code Giggly Squad for 10% off your cryo glow. That's sharkninja.com and Use promo code giggly squad for 10% off.

Sophie Lang (44:07)

Off your cryoglow Dear Career Ladder, you've had your moment. You're linear and one dimensional. Ambition doesn't just go up anymore. It zigs and zags and squiggles where CEOs, executives, founders. We're advising companies, launching side hustles, taking breaks, defining our next act ambition on our terms. The possibilities are endless. Chief Lead on join us@chief.com.

Sarah Gibson Tuttle (44:45)

Youm know.

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