Episode 276 | Pod Boys For Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: Episode 276 | Pod Boys For Life

Podcast Information:

• Title: New Rory & MAL
• Host/Author: iHeartPodcasts and The Volume
• Description: New stories, new laughs, new random hot takes that no one asked for... New Rory & Mal
• Episode: Episode 276 | Pod Boys For Life
• Release Date: June 11, 2024

---

1. Tour Announcement and Dates

The episode kicks off with Rory and Mal enthusiastically announcing their upcoming tour, "Rory versus Maul, the campaign," emphasizing the excitement of being on the road during an election year.

• Rory: "Looking forward to this one." [00:41]
• Mal: "Tickets available now. Newroariemall.com" [00:47]

Tour Schedule:

• Philadelphia: July 25
• Detroit: August 22
• Chicago: August 25
• London: September 11 & September 18
• Toronto: October 17
• Atlanta: November 22
• New York: December 13 & 14

Mal highlights the doubling up of shows in London and New York for strategic reasons, adding unique elements like live performances and guest appearances.

---

2. Mal’s Parenting and Sleep Coach Experience

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around Mal's challenges with parenting, specifically issues related to her child's sleep habits. Mal shares her frustration with a sleep coach she hired, which led to unexpected complications.

• Mal: "I've been meeting with a sleep coach on Zoom. It's the biggest scam going." [02:00]
• Rory: "No, no, that's what I'm saying." [02:05]

Mal explains the miscommunication regarding the sleep coach's role, revealing that she was under the impression the coach would be present in the room physically, only to find out it was a remote arrangement. This led to her feeling duped after investing over $1,500.

• Mal: "I paid, I'm embarrassed to say, over $1,000." [02:31]
• Rory: "You think they prey on, like, first-time parents?" [03:05]

The conversation delves into parenting philosophies, contrasting traditional methods with contemporary approaches, and emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries for children.

• Rory: "You have to set boundaries and let them know like this is not, you know." [06:12]
• Mal: "My dad has a great theory that the day they put the baby on board sticker in a van was the time America really changed." [11:00]

---

3. Social Life and Party Experiences

Rory, Mal, Damaris, and Julian reminisce about their social lives, particularly focusing on their experiences at parties and social gatherings.

• Julian: "I was at Burgers and Bottles." [12:11]
• Damaris: "She's still drunk." [12:16]

They discuss interactions at venues like Burgers and Bottles, sharing humorous anecdotes about being hungover, encountering fans, and dealing with late-night escapades.

• Mal: "I've never seen..." [12:48]
• Rory: "Your mom's a true American." [11:33]

The group also touches on the dynamics of friendships and the humorous frustrations that come with them.

---

4. Funeral Discussions and Customs

A surprisingly deep segment of the podcast addresses funerals, grief, and the social expectations surrounding them. The hosts humorously explore how one would handle attending ex-partners' funerals and the societal pressures related to grieving.

• Damaris: "I've never thought about, like, who's gonna be my pallbearer." [46:52]
• Rory: "You just can't walk around with some of your ashes." [56:03]

They debate the appropriateness of certain behaviors at funerals, share personal preferences for funeral arrangements, and laugh over hypothetical scenarios involving funerary customs.

• Julian: "I've had conversations with Punch regarding Mall." [40:49]
• Mal: "If you have a girl over and she stays, spend the night, naturally she wakes up, you have an extra toothbrush..." [82:03]

The discussion becomes a blend of dark humor and genuine reflections on how individuals cope with loss and societal rituals.

---

5. Dating and Relationships: Handling Exes

The conversation shifts to the complexities of modern relationships, particularly focusing on how to handle ex-partners and the challenges they present in new relationships.

• Mal: "I would never tell her if I'm grieving." [61:38]
• Rory: "She can't book the tickets because she doesn't know how to read a map." [73:15]

They debate the etiquette of sharing or hiding aspects of past relationships, the impact of exes on current partnerships, and the balance between personal boundaries and emotional support.

• Damaris: "Like, if you're a different every day the herbs is gonna come." [86:46]
• Rory: "Yo, listen, you got seven days, bro, and then you got to get back in the game." [66:21]

This segment highlights the tension between maintaining personal independence and fostering supportive relationships.

---

6. Sports at Kids' Events and Parental Behavior

Rory and Mal express their concerns about overly aggressive parental behavior at children's sporting events, criticizing those who bring security or become too involved.

• Rory: "Parents fighting is stupid, though. I never understood that." [31:04]
• Mal: "We're in civilian waters." [30:32]

They advocate for a more relaxed and supportive presence, emphasizing the importance of allowing children to develop self-soothing skills without excessive parental intervention.

• Damaris: "Any parents, if you're listening now, and our kids end up being in the same sporting event, watch your fucking mouth." [33:29]
• Rory: "It's going to be rough adjusting time for you." [10:24]

The hosts use humor and candid critique to address the challenges of parenting in competitive environments.

---

7. Celebrity Encounters and Pop Culture References

The hosts occasionally reference celebrities and pop culture, discussing encounters with figures like Chris Brown and James Harden, and sharing their thoughts on these interactions.

• Mal: "I don't ever want to run into Chris Brown." [34:26]
• Rory: "Shout out to Nick Grant." [37:10]

They blend these references with personal stories, creating a lighthearted yet insightful commentary on fame and social interactions.

• Damaris: "See you in Chicago, meet someone there, start to spread again." [90:25]
• Julian: "I'm about to kill one of these." [51:50]

These segments serve to highlight the intersection of their personal lives with broader cultural phenomena.

---

8. Promotional Segment and Closing Remarks

Towards the end of the episode, Rory and Mal reiterate their tour dates, promote their merchandise, and encourage listeners to attend their shows.

• Rory: "Tickets available now newroariemall.com" [95:00]
• Mal: "New merch will be available at the shows as well." [95:43]

They engage in playful banter about potential meet-ups at events and wrap up the episode with upbeat and humorous exchanges.

• Rory: "We're going to have a blast." [86:37]
• Damaris: "All right, let's do another callback." [86:55]

The episode concludes with a mix of humor, camaraderie, and anticipation for their upcoming tour, leaving listeners entertained and informed about their latest ventures.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Mal: "I paid, I'm embarrassed to say, over $1,000." [02:31]
• Rory: "You have to set boundaries and let them know like this is not, you know." [06:12]
• Damaris: "I'm the last one, so..." [23:20]
• Rory: "Parents fighting is stupid, though. I never understood that." [31:04]
• Mal: "We're in civilian waters." [30:32]
• Damaris: "You gotta ignore them." [05:33]
• Rory: "We think that we have to just... yeah." [05:33]

Conclusion:

Episode 276 of "New Rory & MAL" titled "Pod Boys For Life" offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions on parenting, relationships, social life, and cultural observations. Through engaging dialogues and relatable topics, Rory, Mal, and their co-hosts create an entertaining and insightful listening experience, promising more engaging content in their upcoming tour and future episodes.

Transcript

[Rory]

Mall.

[Mal]

We are back on tour. Tickets are available right now. Rory versus Maul, the campaign. It's an election year and we are outside. What's our first city?

[Rory]

We're in Philadelphia, July 25, then we're in Detroit August 22, followed by Chicago August 25, then London, September 11 and September 18. We're also in London.

[Mal]

Then we're in Toronto in October 17, Atlanta, November 22, and then we are back home for the holidays. New York, December 13th and 14th. We're doubling up in London and New York for a specific reason. The second dates, which would be London, September 18, New York, December 14. First time ever. My Karma Is Beautiful presents Rory Maul and friends.

[Rory]

Looking forward to this one.

[Mal]

Some live performances. We're still gonna pod. Yeah, that'll still happen.

[Rory]

Just have some guests.

[Mal]

We're adding some more to this. So tickets available now. Newroariemall.com New Worry and Mal.

[Rory]

Bad boys what you want, what you want? What you gonna do When Sherry John.

[Mal]

Brown come for you?

[Damaris]

Tell me what you wanna do what you gonna do?

[Rory]

Yeah Bad boys, bad boys what you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys More.

[Mal]

Having a kid, you would think, like, heightens your awareness and protecting and all that cool things they say on the Internet.

[Damaris]

I.

[Mal]

It's taken away all street smarts that I have in general.

[Rory]

What happened because you came in. You came in today a little flustered.

[Mal]

Nothing to do with what I'm going to talk about. I'm flustered because of life.

[Rory]

Yeah, but that's. That's what me. We were laughing about because you. I was like, what's up, man? How you feeling? He was like, you know, just in the simulation, this.

[Mal]

This was just the add on, like, when it rains, it pours type of thing. So we have been meeting with a sleep coach on Zoom.

[Rory]

Why slow down? What is a sleep coach?

[Mal]

I'm learning.

[Rory]

And where do I apply?

[Mal]

Oh, it's the biggest scam going.

[Rory]

No, no, that's what I'm saying.

[Mal]

So Amara is very much like co sleeping with us all the time. She has to be under us no matter what to sleep. So we're getting to the point where she has to start daycare. Like, it's time for you to be a little independent.

[Rory]

Time to get a job.

[Mal]

That's. That's the way I'd look at it. Yeah, that's what my dad told. That was the first words my dad ever said to me. She lazy ass up with, yeah, you need to contribute to the house.

[Rory]

Right.

[Mal]

So we sit on Zoom for a month, talking to the sleep coach, going through the entire routine. I paid, I'm embarrassed to say, over $1,000.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Mal]

For the sleep coach because we were just getting to that point.

[Rory]

We can't trying anything.

[Mal]

Yes. At my wit's end, as I told you off my.

[Rory]

Do they. You think they prey on, like, first time parents? Yes, that's the thing.

[Damaris]

I am.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mal]

So the whole time we're talking, we even have the conversation of, like, yo, is New Yorker Jersey cool? Like, what. What would make sense? I'm thinking the whole time, this bitch about to be my best friend.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Because Amara cannot see Kia because she's just gonna want the boob. Or like, she has to be left alone. Can't see Kia. So we're starting tonight, and it's just gonna be me in the room. And I'm thinking, yo, let me text the sleep coach, let her know I'm excited to see her.

[Rory]

So wait, is.

[Mal]

We're about to do this journey, so.

[Rory]

Just you tonight with.

[Mal]

With.

[Rory]

With Amara.

[Mal]

I thought it was gonna be with the sleep coach that I've been talking to for a month.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Mal]

Even talking about, should we do this in New York or. Or my Jersey crew.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

This says I'm not gonna be there. I said what? I said. I said, wait, wait. We've been talking for a whole month about this week starting. I thought it was. You and I, we was. Thought it was a King Scotty and Mike. Like, we gonna sit here. Kia's gonna be somewhere else, and we're gonna do this whole. She's like, nope. I mean, I'll be on call if you need me. I said, so I'm pretty much paying fifteen hundred dollars for something I could have googled.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what you're doing.

[Damaris]

I'm calling.

[Julian]

Why would you think that she would be there?

[Mal]

Because we talked for a month about how she's going to be in the room, and apparently I'm the only one that didn't realize she was saying I was just going to be in the room.

[Julian]

Yeah, because if a random person that Amara has never seen before is there when she's trying to go to sleep, I don't think she'll go to sleep.

[Mal]

She's supposed to be an expert.

[Rory]

Yeah. She's supposed to stand in the corner and like, become.

[Mal]

I thought she was going to do some black magic and just put my daughter to sleep, and I would just be in the room in case.

[Rory]

Okay, I got more questions. Is She a white woman?

[Mal]

Yes.

[Rory]

How long has she been doing it?

[Damaris]

That's a white. That's some white shit.

[Mal]

This is bad.

[Damaris]

That's a good hustle.

[Julian]

Yeah. I'm about to add it to my she.

[Mal]

I'm sure she has infomercials at this point. Like at 3am That I just didn't see. I think it goes. The magic bullet infomercial, and then her and then Ms. Cleo.

[Rory]

My mom didn't have no. No sleep, coach. It was. Shut everything off. Shut your ass up and lay your ass down.

[Mal]

But we have to be delicate with kids now. We can't just be like, yo, shut the fuck up and figure it out.

[Rory]

We're raising a bunch of soybeans is what we're doing.

[Mal]

We have to be friends with our kids.

[Rory]

Yeah, but I mean, we also have to be parents, too. Like, let them cry. They'll be fine. They're not starving. They're not in any pain. It's just that when we hear babies cry.

[Damaris]

Yeah, you gotta ignore them.

[Rory]

We think that we have to just. Yeah, Cotto, pick them up. Give them what they want. No, sometimes you have to just let your baby cry and understand that. Listen, you're okay.

[Mal]

I could have. Babe, that.

[Rory]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Mal]

I. I called Loyon after I hung up and said, yo, I lost my card. Everything's fraud. Did that go through? Because I'm not paying this bitch a fucking dollar.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Man, I cannot believe I got hustled that way.

[Rory]

Like, all right, whose idea?

[Mal]

Oh, it was both our ideas. Because we're getting to the point that it. She can't keep sleeping in this bed. Like, it's either that or the stroller. Like, she. I bought a crib before she was born. She slept in it maybe once.

[Rory]

So you don't want to reintroduce.

[Damaris]

Yeah, but you, like, have to make her do it. It's not like Amara.

[Rory]

Yeah, but first time parents.

[Mal]

All right, here's fifteen hundred dollars. I mean, because that's pretty much what.

[Damaris]

Yeah, that's.

[Mal]

I like that.

[Damaris]

No, there's really not much. Because it's funny you say that, because my friend was in town last week and he. Similarly, they just got their kid on the healthy sleeping schedule. It's like, you have to make the schedule for the kid. Just do it. They're gonna cry. That's how they communicate.

[Rory]

They're gonna cry. Like, they're gonna do all of those things. And as parents, it's your. You know, when you're a great parent, what's the Mary cries? You pick em up, you give them what they want, you stop them from crying. But when it comes to sleeping. Because my homeboy, his son is a little over a year now and he was dealing with the same thing like yo, we can't even sleep in the bed because he has to sleep in the bed. He won't go to sleep. But then they started just introducing him to the crib. Let him cry, eventually falls asleep and they'll get the hang of it. But you know, first time parents understand.

[Mal]

Glad you guys are telling me things from your friends experiences.

[Rory]

Well, yes.

[Mal]

You know what it's like when a kid is screaming their head off and you haven't slept in two days? No, I take the boob and go to sleep.

[Rory]

You know, I get it.

[Damaris]

That's bad. That's condense rewarding bad behavior though.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Julian]

It's not bad behavior.

[Damaris]

Well, it's. It's her. It's. It's just. It's. It's no, she. Amar is doing what she knows. I'm not saying she's being bad in any. By any means. But it's just not. You're not the end result. Like that's not going to stop. It's the way. The way I look at it how when in your house when Bailey would scratch the door.

[Mal]

Yeah, but base could do whatever the fuck she want.

[Damaris]

But this. You're doing the same thing with Amara. You'd be like, all right, Baze, here's a treat. But like she's not doing. You don't reward. She's tearing up your apartment. You know what I mean? Like you have to set the precedence and be like where this isn't allowed. We're going to change his behavior.

[Rory]

Yeah, the dog strategy. Put him in a crate.

[Damaris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Julian]

She's got. She has to learn to self soothe. It's going to be hell for you guys. It is going to be hell. I'm.

[Rory]

It in no way got to set boundaries. You got to set restrictions. Even for your babies, even for your kids. You have to set boundaries and let them know like this is not, you know, Cash app. No, I'm just saying. I'm laughing because I never heard of us. I thought a sleep coach was somebody like for. For adults. Like.

[Mal]

No, I thought the sleep coach was going to be there. I was excited for to coach her to sleep.

[Damaris]

You told me this last week. I was like, oh, that's cool. Somebody in the house.

[Rory]

Rory thought some random white ladies would come in the house.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Stand for Amara. With a chalkboard. Like, what's it. What's the eraser board? Yeah, I'm like, all right, this is what we're gonna do, Amara. You're gonna sit on the screen.

[Damaris]

So what was the. What was the plan?

[Mal]

That's really what I thought.

[Damaris]

So what was the plan? So say you're in the room of the mar, and she's in the crib.

[Rory]

Whatever.

[Damaris]

And obviously, she would begin to cry at some point. Were you supposed to zoom in this woman? Or. Like, how was that supposed to.

[Mal]

That's what she told me this morning.

[Rory]

That she.

[Mal]

That I could just. I could call her if I need to. Yeah, put you on speaker.

[Rory]

Yeah. Oh, you didn't know?

[Mal]

What the fuck? You didn't know she worked remote since COVID you know?

[Rory]

Yeah, everything's remote. Like, I can't. I can't come over to your house. Like, I can't come. No, it's Covid. I can't. I can't.

[Damaris]

So it's.

[Mal]

Yo. I feel like a complete sucker.

[Rory]

That's what you are. Okay? I know the feeling.

[Julian]

Are you a sucker, or did you just not research well enough what a sleep coach was?

[Mal]

We were on Zoom for a month with this woman. I've read all the literature, everything that she fucking gave. We talked. You did not stop.

[Rory]

You did the work.

[Mal]

Counted sheep to start today.

[Rory]

Yeah, that sucks.

[Mal]

Now I realize it's gonna be me and Amara.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

The two of us staring at each other for a week like the Spider Man. Like, she's not gonna go to sleep at all, and I'm just gonna be there on Zoom. Like, I don't know what to do. She just won't. She won't go to say something to her.

[Rory]

Yeah. No, that's not how it happens.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

She gives you the. She gives you the work, and you have to do the work. That's all. You just gonna have to let her cry, man. I know you don't want to hear your baby crying, man, but you're just gonna have to put it down and, you know, just listen to her crying.

[Mal]

I have spent many nights up with Amara till dawn. But this is about to be different, because at the end, she has to sleep in this crib that she's never slept in.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Not under my tit or Kia's tit.

[Rory]

Right.

[Mal]

Just there.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

No body warmth, no nothing.

[Rory]

It's going to be tough. It's going to be adjusting time for you.

[Mal]

She has no one to kick directly in the eye while she sleeps.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

It's just gonna Be the side of the crib, not my throat.

[Rory]

So Kia's not gonna be. When it's time for her to lay down. Kia is not gonna be in a room.

[Mal]

No.

[Damaris]

Neither.

[Mal]

No, I. I don't. I told Kia, you don't even need to be, like, in the house, because she loses her mind when she sees Kia.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

She's the best baby on earth when it's, like, just me and her. But when she sees mom cannot wait to grab a boob or do anything mom related.

[Rory]

Yeah, she comes. Yeah. She knows she gonna get whatever she want. Yeah.

[Damaris]

Damn.

[Rory]

Gotta work through it, man. Give us. Give her that good fatherly, you know, time and energy. And we'll report back in a week or two and see how you doing.

[Mal]

My dad has a great theory that the. The day that they put the baby on board sticker in a van was the time that America really changed. When we started caring about kids and, like, looked at them as better than us. Like, we used to have children. We used to have children just to. Just to throw into the workforce. Like, we're just procreating to keep this whole thing going, keep sending them down. Now all of a sudden, kids, like, opinions matter. And the day we put the baby on board thing.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

It was over.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Why the. When I'm driving, I should know that your kid is there.

[Rory]

Your dad's a true American. That's some American right there.

[Mal]

Sorry, dad, for telling the world we're ruining the kids.

[Rory]

The Baby on board stickers caused everything.

[Damaris]

The origin of this sticker that you're referring to is published July 1, 2003.

[Mal]

Yeah. So it was over that day.

[Rory]

Yeah, that day.

[Damaris]

So it's coming up.

[Mal]

That's. That's when we decided kids mattered.

[Rory]

2003.

[Mal]

Don't say Damaris.

[Rory]

That's when it started. I'm. Listen, the Maris is, like, completely up today.

[Julian]

I'm cooked. I'm not.

[Damaris]

Oh, this is, like, early POD days when I used to come in.

[Rory]

Where were you. Where were you last night?

[Damaris]

She's definitely still drunk.

[Julian]

I was at Burgers and Bottles. I'm.

[Rory]

Burgers and Bottles and Burgers.

[Mal]

Put you in VIP.

[Damaris]

Yeah, about 15 times. They better have.

[Mal]

They hit me on DM. Shout out to them. They was mad at you. And then say, yo, the whole staff could come. We'll put them in vip. I'll check the schedule with everyone.

[Rory]

It was mad at me.

[Damaris]

It was a clip that they. They took from here. And you said the conversation was, where can you find good men? Referring to dating and demerit. Said, I don't know burgers and bottles. And you said get the out of here or something like that.

[Mal]

You can't find a good man there, but it's fine. You can't find a good man.

[Julian]

The good man was there and shout out to him. Amen.

[Rory]

That's the alcohol talk.

[Damaris]

Yeah, she's still drunk.

[Mal]

I've never seen.

[Rory]

Child support payments. I just 10 in there with warrants. 4 ain't seen their kids in 6 months talking about the good was in there.

[Julian]

You don't know their story.

[Rory]

I know they story. Them ain't bunch of deadbeats.

[Damaris]

Now they're going to use this clip.

[Rory]

But shout out to burgers and bottles. I heard the event was dope.

[Damaris]

I want to go next.

[Rory]

You ain't want shout out to the burgers and bottles.

[Julian]

There was only like three white women there.

[Damaris]

I could do a burger in a bottle. That'd be nice.

[Mal]

What was your day party swag like? How you give it up now? I've seen you move in a room full of vultures like in your 20s.

[Rory]

But why are you so hungover?

[Damaris]

Look at her story right now.

[Julian]

There's ass throwing all over because.

[Rory]

Oh, that's what she was doing. Throwing ass with her.

[Julian]

So this is the things and this is what I was explaining to I think Benner earlier when we used to do like the day parties of like, let's use yesterday do say palooza, for example. The only thing that would keep you from getting like plastered plastered if you weren't there early was.

[Rory]

Who's that?

[Julian]

The line, yo.

[Damaris]

Is that the marriage currently Damaris's story.

[Mal]

I I saw that yesterday and almost replied and said, yo, who's that?

[Julian]

It's my little sister.

[Mal]

Oh, I'm so glad I did.

[Rory]

I said little sister Peach.

[Julian]

Come on now.

[Rory]

As you know, that's how peas like them. Go ahead, Peach.

[Damaris]

Put your bid in this hookah throwing ass. All right.

[Mal]

I would love that union between Peach and your little sister. I think that would be a beautiful like families connecting.

[Rory]

Yeah, I would. All in house and your little sister like around the family together.

[Julian]

Peach would fit right in with my. They're all sarcastically funny like that.

[Rory]

Take pee to Syracuse. They don't think he lived right across the street.

[Damaris]

How late were you out?

[Mal]

Word.

[Julian]

So I, I got there at like.

[Mal]

Bud Light in hand.

[Julian]

My mother loves Bud Light. I got there at like 3, 3:30.

[Mal]

Because she hates trans.

[Julian]

I left at like, ain't gonna lie.

[Rory]

I from three to 11:38 hours at a party.

[Julian]

I home at 11:30. I left at, like, 10.

[Rory]

7 hours at a party is crazy. Still, how much. How much we party?

[Mal]

I mean, you got to get your money's worth. You got to get your burgers in your bottles.

[Rory]

N. Seven hours. I have five burgers out of here.

[Damaris]

Seven sliders. Yeah.

[Rory]

No, seven. Yeah. How many burgers? Seven.

[Julian]

I had five. I was there for seven hours, bro.

[Damaris]

Burgers, hookah.

[Julian]

Burgers hookah. Multiple reposado bottles.

[Rory]

You was on that toilet this morning using that toilet.

[Damaris]

Can you tell?

[Rory]

You was in that toilet singing the motherfucking.

[Mal]

What's the song? Five burgers seasoned with mint hookah.

[Rory]

The Maris was in there.

[Julian]

To be fair, I wasn't eating the whole burgers. I just wanted to taste. There were so many different, like, vendors, and people had all the. Every chef had a different, like, three different burgers. It was, like, six chefs, so I just wanted to taste, like, a little bit of each one.

[Rory]

That's dope. It sound like a good event.

[Julian]

I had. I had a great time, but I'm. I'm just here to let y'all. I'm here for decoration today.

[Rory]

That's what's up.

[Julian]

I'm clipped.

[Rory]

That's all right, well, just. Just, just, just, Just sit there and just smile. That's all you got to do.

[Mal]

Well, yesterday I was in Sandy Hook.

[Julian]

Why you could sit there and just shut.

[Rory]

Shut up and why.

[Damaris]

Listen, Rory tried to bait me, by the way, with this text message.

[Mal]

I saw what happened to Alex Jones. I love and respect.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Prayers for everyone involved. I was. My friend was getting married. We're in the group chat, like, he's from Brooklyn. He's from Midwood.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Mal]

Why are we driving two hours into Connecticut for you to get married?

[Rory]

Right?

[Mal]

We were saying this in the group chat that he was in. Yeah, on his wedding.

[Rory]

Want him to read it? Yeah.

[Mal]

While he was taking wedding.

[Rory]

Bad choice.

[Mal]

Getting out of the city on a Sunday is bad, as is why the Am I driving this far into Connecticut, right? So, you know, I don't even look at the GPS outside of arrival time. I. I didn't know the town. So I get off the highway, and I'm driving, trying to get my together, because it's like, five minutes out, and I go by Sandy Hook Fire Department. Then I go by Sandy Hook Elementary Memorial, and I said, I can't be in this Sandy Hook. Stop the car. Open my phone, because the GPS in the car was zoomed in. I was like, oh, I'm where all the kids got killed. I'm like, in this entire area.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Next door was the wedding. I could see the elementary school.

[Damaris]

That's.

[Julian]

Oh, my God, they must have got a good deal.

[Rory]

Somebody from there, like, is his wife from there? Is he from there?

[Damaris]

No, I'd imagine the.

[Mal]

From. That's why we were in the group chat. Like, granted, beautiful wedding. The. The venue was great. Outside of, like, the eerie school shooting, nice venue. But why?

[Damaris]

Yeah. Newton, Connecticut's beautiful. I think to Damaris's point, they probably got a really good deal because, like, that whole area is now cursed. Like, no one wants to do anything over there. So I would imagine, like, property, lake homes, whatever's over there is probably relatively cheap.

[Mal]

I laugh to myself, passing those signs, like, thinking I just am sick and have dark humor. And then pulled up and was like, oh, I'm. I'm here. I'm actually in the place.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Then I pulled to the side. I park my car in the shade because, you know, I'm white, because I'm old and I sweat. I didn't put my suit on while I was driving.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Mal]

You know, I changed in the parking lot.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

So I have just pants on, no shirt, and someone parks next to me and goes, rory, love the content. No swear on everything. I'm shirtless. Pop the truck, no shirt on.

[Damaris]

Pop the trunk.

[Mal]

Dad bod right here.

[Rory]

Like, yeah.

[Mal]

Also trying to take in that children were murdered five feet from here. Yo. Love the content.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Julian]

I just start laughing. You gotta laugh.

[Mal]

I don't think any POD fan has seen my nipples. Like, I felt really vulnerable.

[Rory]

Yeah. That's a vulnerable time, man. Nipples makes you feel vulnerable.

[Mal]

And then. And then my response was, are you here for TJ's wedding? He said, no.

[Damaris]

The.

[Rory]

Who is TJ? No, it. Who the gets married to Sandy Hook.

[Damaris]

Yeah. That's. That's a dark, dark area.

[Mal]

It was. It was beautiful.

[Damaris]

Connecticut's beautiful.

[Rory]

Surrounded by melanated Queens.

[Mal]

Yes. Who I haven't seen a long time. Those are all old friends. Everyone thought I was with the bride.

[Rory]

But naturally, I mean, looking at the.

[Mal]

Pictures, you know, I sat on the Jamaican side, and they're like, oh, no, no. If I had bright sides over here. No, no, I'm with the group.

[Rory]

I know the Jamaicans.

[Mal]

But it was fun. It was a really, really nice wedding. Congrats to them. But, yeah, just. It was a very dark area.

[Rory]

Yeah, man, I don't know about going to Sandy Hook for a wedding. That's kind of like, all right, what are we doing here? But as long as the wedding was beautiful, and, you know, the couple was happy. And shout out to tj, tj, tj.

[Damaris]

Congrats.

[Rory]

Shout out to them.

[Mal]

But, yeah, I don't even think they realized because I was the only one, like, bringing it up to other people. Like, yo, y'all realize we right next door to that?

[Rory]

You kept saying it all night.

[Mal]

They're like, yes.

[Rory]

Yeah, we know where the we are. Yes.

[Julian]

Ruining the night, bro.

[Damaris]

He'll find a way. His toe right before the toast.

[Mal]

And this is where I got even.

[Rory]

Put out some of the champagne for the kids. Silence for the kids right across the street.

[Mal]

Yo, so my man Roger, I've not seen since maybe 2010. He went to the army and he was at the wedding. He lives in Colorado now. And he's like, yeah, no, I'm moving to Texas because I'm a gun specialist and all that. I said, oh, I mean, you should just move here. Didn't go over no.

[Rory]

Bad.

[Mal]

Definitely bombed with that joke.

[Rory]

Bad timing.

[Damaris]

We're moving in Texas. Could have said Uvalde.

[Mal]

I. At the time, it's. It seemed like a great joke.

[Damaris]

Look at. Look how up this country is. He's from Colorado. Columbine. He's moving to Texas. Uvalde. And the wedding you guys were at were in Connecticut, saying, it's just like every where in this country, just people just getting shot for no reason. Anyway.

[Mal]

Yeah. Lives in Colorado Springs, which is. Isn't.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Oh, what's it? Aura, Whatever.

[Damaris]

Aurora.

[Mal]

Yeah. It's like right next door.

[Damaris]

Yeah. Yeah. Good times.

[Mal]

And that's where the gun specialists live.

[Damaris]

I think so.

[Julian]

Sick what you do, Mom. You had a good week.

[Rory]

The marriage. First of all, what's up, man? First of all, you saw your family.

[Mal]

You know what's up, man?

[Rory]

Don't ask me what I did. In your eyes. It's close. Like some awesome dope. Would you do this? What? Just shut the fuck up, Damaris. Don't ask shit, don't say shit. We know you hungover. You got a stomach full of 19 burgers. Like. All right. You're gonna take a enemy when you leave here and go home and all that out tonight. All right, release that. You don't have to say it's not gonna be good.

[Mal]

It's gonna be running regardless.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah. Just. Just relax. We just. You got water? You got some water over there? Just sip some water. And we got this from here.

[Julian]

All right?

[Rory]

All right.

[Mal]

What you did?

[Rory]

Yeah, this weekend. I didn't do this weekend.

[Mal]

Of course.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

I didn't. I ain't do I was supposed to go see, hang out with my mom, but of course it was. It was too late. And I was in the house. I was like, man, I ain't going outside, man. So I had to curve mom. But I. I'll take out this week, though. She's still in town, so I'll take out this week. But that was it. I ain't do. Life is boring, man.

[Damaris]

Speaking of moms, today is my mom's 66th birthday.

[Rory]

Happy birthday, Mom.

[Damaris]

Shout out.

[Rory]

John, what are you doing?

[Damaris]

For my. Her and my dad are doing a little, you know what they doing? Hudson.

[Rory]

No, they don't hide the remote.

[Mal]

Listen, I saw the way. I saw the way they were still looking each other's eyes in that green room. They.

[Rory]

Yo, I gotta send your dad. I got. I got some. I got some. I got some good smoke. I gotta see your dad.

[Mal]

They have a beautiful relationship. I could tell they. They still not only love each other like each other.

[Damaris]

They're having a very cute day together downstate in Hudson. Yeah. It's becoming, I guess, a little Brooklyn is what they're referring to it as. Not my parents. That's what people are saying.

[Mal]

Who are the people?

[Damaris]

People of New York. It's just like all the people people of New York.

[Rory]

The entire state of New York.

[Mal]

Your brother fed you that line, huh? The people of New York are saying.

[Rory]

The good people of New York. Yeah, like the good people of New York. What?

[Mal]

It's the new Brooklyn. No, it's not.

[Rory]

Absolutely not.

[Damaris]

Yeah. I don't know. I've heard good things, but they're. They're having a cute day together. I don't know. Yeah, 66 is pretty dope.

[Rory]

Happy birthday to your mom, man. 66 years old. Blessing.

[Mal]

You ever think about because you have so many siblings that, like, you were in the crib when they were conceiving the other ones?

[Damaris]

I was the last one, so.

[Mal]

Oh, yeah.

[Rory]

All right.

[Damaris]

Yeah, I got lucky.

[Mal]

I didn't know if he was the youngest.

[Rory]

Yeah, come on, man.

[Mal]

I thought he was the. I don't.

[Damaris]

But they call you that.

[Rory]

Black Magic. Yeah, Black Magic. It's Black Magic's boy right there.

[Mal]

Listen down tonight, all right? Speaking of love, do you think that happened in your house? You're not the youngest.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Mal]

You think he was, like, there that night?

[Julian]

What?

[Mal]

When? Like, he left it in?

[Julian]

Nah, my kids.

[Rory]

Yo, thinking of your dad leaving it?

[Julian]

My parents were very much. Grandma house. I was a grandma.

[Rory]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Damaris]

That's a good move.

[Rory]

That means they trying to all over the house. They trying to get it on.

[Damaris]

You ever walk in on your parents?

[Julian]

I have.

[Rory]

Thank God. No.

[Damaris]

Oh, I haven't.

[Mal]

I'm at the edge of my seat. Tell us what happened.

[Julian]

No, respectfully, to them, but you were slipping on semen when I was a kid.

[Rory]

What. What do you think was going on?

[Mal]

Asap. Rocky Rock reference.

[Julian]

My dad don't pull out. He.

[Rory]

Look.

[Julian]

What the. You think he is a couch? A lazy boy. A real.

[Mal]

What position they was in.

[Rory]

Yo. Asking somebody what position you caught their parents.

[Mal]

Well, I'm asking.

[Damaris]

How old were you? Do you remember?

[Julian]

I was like, seven. I was young.

[Damaris]

Oh, so you have, like, some memory. Like, I'm not visit if you're like, four, where you don't know what's going on. Seven.

[Julian]

Like, really, I don't know.

[Mal]

Four.

[Rory]

You just think Dad's beating mom. Get off my mom.

[Damaris]

He's hugging her. He's hugging her real hard.

[Rory]

Get off my mommy.

[Damaris]

They're connected like Legos.

[Rory]

Walking in on your parents is crazy.

[Mal]

Yeah, I. I'm happy that my dad cheated and left. I never had that experience.

[Rory]

So glad I never had to witness that. Jesus Christ. Get off my mom.

[Mal]

He did the honorable thing for me. Yeah, just leave and just left so I didn't have to catch them.

[Rory]

Like a true American.

[Damaris]

Did you. Speaking of love, did you see. Did you guys catch this video of James Harden and his girlfriend? I believe this was Rajon Ron.

[Mal]

James Harden has a girlfriend, which is.

[Damaris]

That was the thing I learned from this video. Yeah.

[Rory]

Why James can't have a girlfriend. What if he changed his life?

[Damaris]

All right?

[Rory]

He's not out there. You know, maybe he's like, yo, listen, I ain't out.

[Damaris]

He isn't in Houston anymore, so he's.

[Mal]

In la, where he's from.

[Rory]

He's from California. He's home. Like, you think that's gonna stop?

[Damaris]

But this video went out. His girl could not have been further in the back, but she got the bouquet.

[Mal]

Wait, his girlfriend's white.

[Damaris]

She looks mixed.

[Julian]

No, she looks like.

[Damaris]

Okay, but the great reaction.

[Rory]

Yeah, I think that's every man's reaction if your girlfriend catches the bouquet at a wedding.

[Mal]

I think he's realizing he has a girlfriend for the first time, too.

[Damaris]

For real.

[Rory]

Like, who is this girl? Like, oh, she's with me. She's my plus one tonight.

[Mal]

Oh, I forgot. We drove together.

[Rory]

Shout out to Rondo, don't get married. And James, it looks like his beautiful black wife.

[Julian]

She's gorgeous.

[Rory]

It looks like you.

[Mal]

Oh, she just didn't look that complexion in that video. Am I wrong? She's. No, she's very beautiful.

[Damaris]

That's so funny.

[Rory]

Yeah, man. Well, James, you gotta gotta do. Can't tradition up now.

[Mal]

There's three things that would really surprise me. You saying that James Harden has a girlfriend. The first time I watched Love and Hip Hop and Emily came on the screen and said, I've been dating fabulous for 10 years. And I said, Fab as a girlfriend for 10 years. And then if Mall ever did that, it's those three.

[Rory]

If I ever said I had a girlfriend.

[Mal]

Yeah, you, James and Fab would blow my mind.

[Julian]

That's nasty company, yo.

[Damaris]

Like, for some reason, if Mall did say that though, for some reason, I wouldn't be surprised because I feel like we don't know so much about Mall.

[Mal]

He might have a enigma, a family.

[Rory]

God damn. I got kids.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Julian]

Oh, it's definitely. There's a fan theory that you have a hidden. Like you have a baby that hidden away. That's why you never do anything on the weekends because you be with your baby.

[Rory]

Think that I would have a kid and nobody would know like that. That's how I know These people just don't know me.

[Damaris]

Like we don't.

[Rory]

They don't know me.

[Julian]

I can't see you posting your kid though. You might post his little feet or his little chain, but I don't think you will post.

[Rory]

I mean, yeah, I would post my kids.

[Damaris]

You'd post your kids? Like how Future posts his kids?

[Rory]

I don't know how Future.

[Mal]

Yeah. I don't know. I can't laugh.

[Rory]

I can't laugh or know if I gotta get up.

[Damaris]

Puts like a Rolex on like a three year old and he's like, oh.

[Rory]

Yeah, definitely not doing that. But it's icy.

[Damaris]

Never shows his face.

[Rory]

People would know. I have kids. I would never hide kids. Like, that's crazy.

[Julian]

Yeah, that's creepy.

[Mal]

Yeah, it'd be crazy to do that, right?

[Damaris]

Yeah. Could you imagine?

[Mal]

It's so wild.

[Rory]

Seven months, hide your kid.

[Mal]

That's wild.

[Rory]

Yeah, that's why Find your kids, remember? How do I find your kids?

[Mal]

Shout out to me and Drake.

[Damaris]

That's your company. That is. That's Mall's. That's the company.

[Mal]

If you think about it, your crew hides kids. Me and Drake just hide children for good.

[Rory]

For a good cause.

[Mal]

We let you know.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah, I. I knew, you know, I mean I was on. I knew what was going on, but the world didn't know.

[Mal]

I've said it before, that was still the funniest moments in POD fan history to me when I just be walking around with Amara before anyone knew.

[Damaris]

Oh, my God.

[Mal]

Yo. I love the. Yo. You got a kid?

[Damaris]

Like.

[Rory]

Nah.

[Mal]

What the.

[Rory]

I'm just pushing around a girl that.

[Mal]

Looks just like me, identical to me with red hair.

[Rory]

Yeah. No, I don't have a kid.

[Julian]

Yeah, them britches is crazy.

[Damaris]

Yeah. I don't want to spend too much time Drake. But he was in full dad mode this weekend. He pulled up to Adonis's soccer game.

[Rory]

Got his dad pants on.

[Damaris]

Yeah, I love those pants.

[Julian]

Of course you do.

[Damaris]

They're really nice. The length on that belt's a little crazy.

[Mal]

All right, Who. These are professional photos. Like, he brought the photographer.

[Rory]

Why wouldn't he?

[Damaris]

You know, that's a good PR moment.

[Rory]

If you were. You wouldn't. If you were a celebrity as big as Drake, you wouldn't have.

[Damaris]

Look how nice these photos are.

[Mal]

I'm. I. I have photographers that. Yomi has taken every family photo ever.

[Rory]

There you go.

[Mal]

But. But I don't post the photos of just me.

[Damaris]

Well, that was the one that actually.

[Mal]

The ones like, she did a whole shoot for us at. For our Halloween. Shit. I didn't post anything. It's not like I just post me in the Ghostbusters outfit instead of the whole family.

[Damaris]

Well, they made it to his Instagram and he had a. What people are calling a cryptic caption. He says, goals. Don't worry about one. Goats. Don't worry about one. Trick. Ponies mall.

[Mal]

We're not gonna do the Drake, thank you, Kendrick thing today.

[Rory]

No, I'm just.

[Mal]

I'm also talking. I think it's amazing that he has a professional photographer at his kids games. I'm sure they're there all the time. Not just this time.

[Rory]

He just posted this.

[Mal]

It's just. Yeah, it's just kind of funny that, like, you just posted the photos of you.

[Rory]

That son is right there.

[Damaris]

Should have led with this one. This was. This is the lead one. I mean, that fit is hard. I don't blame him.

[Rory]

No soccer dad.

[Mal]

All right, what happens if Soccer dad. What happens if Adonis pushes your kid over at the soccer game and you gotta fight with his dad?

[Damaris]

Adonis pushes your kid over.

[Mal]

Because that's usually how it goes when the kids start pushing each other.

[Julian]

The.

[Mal]

The dads start fighting or the mom.

[Rory]

That's sport. You like to see that.

[Mal]

I think it's unfair if you show up with security to those soccer games. Because if we have to fight, I'm not fighting your security too.

[Rory]

This.

[Mal]

We're in civilian waters.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Mal]

This is a kid's sporting event. You can't bring your security.

[Damaris]

This gentleman in the back looks like he knows a thing or two about a thing. Put someone in a pretzel at a kid's side.

[Mal]

No, Drake. Drake has a security that you won't even know that you're dead. Like, they'll just push something in the back of your neck, and you're like.

[Rory]

Yeah, your brain is still, like, computing what's going on, but your limbs don't move.

[Mal]

Like, there'll be no marks on you. You'll literally just pass out.

[Rory]

That's the type of security you need.

[Mal]

To me, that's an unfair father advantage at sporting events. I can't fight you when you got the Navy seal.

[Rory]

Parents fighting is stupid, though. I never understood that. Parents fighting at their kids game. That's so ignorant. Like, what are we fighting for?

[Mal]

Because your kid just pushed my kid.

[Rory]

Yeah, that's. That's part of the game.

[Mal]

Yeah, but no, they went too far. No, somebody has to get knocked out. And I can't knock your kid out, so you gotta get knocked out.

[Rory]

Nah, your kid is soft. Then my kid out there competing, playing hard.

[Mal]

And I'm gonna show you that this family's not soft.

[Rory]

But your kid out there crying because they got fouled. I'm like, how you raising that fucking buttercup at home? That cupcake. He's playing basketball. He crying cause he got fouled.

[Mal]

I think it's funnier when the moms fight, which happens more often. Yeah, they start yelling at each other. That happened at so many.

[Rory]

But that's. Cause most of the time, the mothers don't like each other already. They kind of have a little, you know, little catty shit going on. See each other on the weekends and roll their eyes at each other and shit like that. And you know how that shit is. Fathers, we. We're just here. He's not that good. And we're just looking at our son running up and down like, I don't know if he's gonna. He's gonna make it.

[Mal]

But I am worried about, like, my anger with those parents that are just a little too, like, loud at sporting events like you. And you're being a little too encouraging right now. Like, relax. From the opposing team of you. You really going too far right now.

[Rory]

Are you gonna let Amar play sports?

[Mal]

Of course. He has no choice.

[Damaris]

What sport? If you could choose, what. What sport would you like her to. If she. You could pick a sport for her to be Good at. Go to college, whatever.

[Mal]

Golf or tennis.

[Damaris]

Good picks.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

She's not gonna get, like, hurt for real. And there's so much money in it. Yeah. That would be my. My first two picks. But, no, she. She'll do soccer, she'll do everything, and she can pick what she likes.

[Rory]

But it's funny, because we grew up the park, like, on my block, it had a tennis court there, but that court was used for everything but tennis.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Rory]

I'm like, yo, who told them to put a tennis court in the middle of the hood? Like, nobody playing tennis. What?

[Damaris]

Pusha said we got the tennis balls for the wrong sport.

[Rory]

Yeah. Like, nobody's playing this.

[Mal]

Yeah. But I mean, if you luck out. Look at the Williams sisters. Like, that was in a. A Crip neighborhood.

[Rory]

Oh, no, but their father.

[Damaris]

Yeah, but that level.

[Julian]

I was gonna say that was not luck.

[Rory]

The dad was entertained.

[Mal]

No, I'm saying the luck of putting a tennis court in the hood just in case.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Like, nine times out of ten is not going to be used, but, yeah. I feel like after the Williams sister, those got used.

[Rory]

Oh, yeah. I mean, they grew the sport, for sure. Absolutely. Without a doubt. But in the Bronx, that was used for many other things. Some things I can't talk. Things I can't talk about. But it was used. Yeah. Space.

[Mal]

Yep. Y'all was volleying back and forth.

[Rory]

Yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't. It wasn't no tennis rackets out there.

[Mal]

It was 15 love. I get it.

[Rory]

Definitely.

[Mal]

But, yeah. Any. Any parents, if you're listening now, and our kids end up being in the same sporting event, watch your fucking mouth, because I'll take it personally.

[Rory]

I like that.

[Damaris]

Damn. But what if. What if the parent on the opposing side is Chris Brown and he can do like this? And then what are you going to do?

[Mal]

The spinning crane kick.

[Damaris]

Like, what if he. What if you say, hey, your kid knock over my kid, and then he just does this in front of you?

[Mal]

I mean, then both me and Amara took two Ls. Chris Brown's kid beat Amara. And then I got my ass whooped.

[Rory]

Yo, man, I still can't believe y'all said, qu.

[Damaris]

We never said that.

[Rory]

What? Don't. Julian. Don't play with me, man. Don't. Don't play with me. Don't play with me.

[Mal]

Yo, when I saw this this weekend, I put in the group chat. This is why I'm terrified to go to highlight room, because I don't ever want to run into Chris Brown.

[Rory]

But why, though?

[Mal]

He did a spinning crane Kick without a running start.

[Damaris]

Look at this. God.

[Rory]

Yeah, but I mean, what, you think.

[Mal]

I stand a chance in any altercation?

[Rory]

But why are you making it seem like this could be an altercation with you and Chris Brown, though?

[Mal]

Because he's piru.

[Rory]

So what?

[Mal]

It's always on site.

[Rory]

Nah, man, he ain't thinking about you, man.

[Mal]

That's what you say with. What happens if he's in a bad mood and we run into each other and he's just like, yo, I remember. And then all of a sudden, I'm spinning off the top of my head.

[Rory]

He gonna crane. Kick the eyebrows off your forehead. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, man.

[Mal]

You would let him do that to me?

[Rory]

I mean, I would probably have no choice. Any nigga that does that, look at the amounts here. He knows some shit.

[Mal]

He's not fucking human. What the fuck?

[Damaris]

He's a singer. Jesus.

[Mal]

No running start.

[Rory]

Yeah. Bow.

[Damaris]

Look at that leg.

[Rory]

Kick your eyelashes off your face.

[Mal]

He doesn't have security, right?

[Damaris]

He. I think he's good.

[Rory]

He is his security. His security can't do that. When you can do that, you don't need security.

[Damaris]

Does he not get dizzy? He spins a lot.

[Rory]

Dizzy.

[Damaris]

He's always spinning.

[Mal]

Why would anyone beef with Chris Brown?

[Damaris]

I don't know. If you got that much coke in your system, you spin a bunch.

[Rory]

I don't know.

[Mal]

Like, I get it. If you want to beef with somebody that has guns, because you could get a gun, too. Why would you ever beef with an athlete like that? You're going to die.

[Rory]

In fact, Chris Brown is. He's in town this week. The show is here this week in New York.

[Mal]

I got. I got sleep, coach. So I'm.

[Rory]

Yeah, you.

[Mal]

I'm. G. Be in the house.

[Rory]

I think he's here this week. Is. Is who's opening up on his. Is Ma opening up for him?

[Mal]

She. Yeah, she was definitely doing some luck of this horror.

[Rory]

I would like to catch a Chris Brown. I don't think I've ever seen a Chris Brown show. I've seen Chris Brown perform. I think maybe Summer Jam like that.

[Mal]

I think the only time I saw him live, which was a great performance.

[Rory]

Yeah, that I've never seen Chris like. Like his. His own. His own show.

[Mal]

What summer jam was that? 2014.

[Rory]

Sounds about right.

[Mal]

Yo, that they should have never booked Chris Brown for Summer Jam because it made everyone else's set look awful. It was like, yo, this is bullshit. Everyone after him. All right, cool. You're holding a Mic rapping.

[Rory]

He's. Chris Brown is the epitome of a superstar, but I do want to see his show. He's in Brooklyn at the Barclays this week.

[Damaris]

Yeah, he's got two shows Sunday, and then next Monday, he's right across you.

[Rory]

From Damaris in Newark on Wednesday.

[Mal]

If I get Amara to sleep by Sunday, like, you and I, we can go. We can go say what's up to Breezy.

[Rory]

Yeah, man.

[Mal]

We could squash the whole.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

They got metal detectors at Barclays still.

[Rory]

I would hope so.

[Mal]

No, I need a gun. I would bring it in also.

[Rory]

Shout out to Nick Grant. Nick Grant has his first show in New York City tonight. If you're listening to this, he's performing at Pianos.

[Mal]

Oh, dope.

[Rory]

Okay. Yeah. So he has his first show. He's excited about that, so it should be a good show. Shout out to Nick Grant.

[Damaris]

Wait, Pianos. Pianos.

[Rory]

Like, yeah.

[Damaris]

Are you going?

[Rory]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Damaris]

All right, I'll go.

[Mal]

No, he said he's going.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Rory]

No, if you want to go, pull up.

[Mal]

No, tickets. Tickets on sale now.

[Rory]

No, no, no.

[Damaris]

There. Is that a ticketed thing?

[Rory]

I don't think so.

[Damaris]

I was going to say. I don't even think they.

[Rory]

I don't think so.

[Damaris]

That's how they do their.

[Mal]

Are you guys filming the whole thing?

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Okay.

[Rory]

Yeah, filming everything. So it'll be footage out on Nick's YouTube and on his socials and like that. But looking forward to it. It's gonna be a good show.

[Mal]

Are you gonna open and do what?

[Damaris]

Like. Like a tight 10? Some. Some good potting.

[Rory]

Tight 10?

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Rory]

I'm not doing a tight.

[Mal]

You have a tight five at least.

[Rory]

I'm not doing a tight ten on.

[Mal]

I know you're an eight, but you got a tight five.

[Rory]

Eight, yo. Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not doing anything.

[Mal]

No.

[Rory]

Just going to enjoy the. What?

[Mal]

Huh?

[Damaris]

Is June. I mean, if there's a month to be gay.

[Rory]

Is that what he said?

[Damaris]

Well, he's. Yeah. I'm just supporting him.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Julian]

My culture is not your costume.

[Rory]

My culture is not. Who said that? Who's the first person to say that?

[Mal]

Probably a white person.

[Rory]

That sounds like a new slogan. That sounds like a new slogan.

[Mal]

Christopher Columbus, I think, said that.

[Rory]

My coach is not your costume. Who said that? Like, who was the first person to say that? Where you got that from?

[Julian]

A wise man.

[Rory]

A wise man. He was probably. He was at burgers and bottles with you. Was in your ear. Damaris was falling for all that. My coach is not your costume. He was like, I know. That's right.

[Mal]

It's funny. You can say that to me, and it's okay and right. But you can't say that to a trans person.

[Damaris]

I saw what you did there.

[Mal]

Oh, so Compton College.

[Julian]

He's a eight. But you ate what?

[Rory]

Damaris. What I asked you to do at the top of the show. Sit back, drink your water.

[Julian]

Get his corny off. I can't get mine off.

[Mal]

What was my corny?

[Julian]

Your show. My bad.

[Rory]

Just shh. I got you.

[Julian]

All right.

[Rory]

I'll let you rest today. It's all good.

[Damaris]

Roy's comment wasn't corny. It was just at all.

[Mal]

It was the truth. We're just not allowed to say that. But listen, Happy June.

[Rory]

Happy June.

[Mal]

I'm speaking up for women. That's what I'm doing. So, yeah, Compton College.

[Damaris]

This is cool. This is cool of Kendrick. Are you. Are you saying this is. What'd you say? You said this is opportunistic.

[Mal]

No. All right, man.

[Damaris]

Whatever you said earlier.

[Mal]

I said I was posing a question, and I was. The way it came off, it sounded like I was saying it is fact. I don't actually believe that Kendrick is clout chasing for his show in Compton on Juneteenth. It was a question to the room, and I said it as a fact. I take back everything I said. I'm sorry, DJ Head. I apologize. Punch, everyone. Cool, man. Love y'all.

[Damaris]

They're on your ass, Both of you.

[Rory]

Why?

[Damaris]

I don't know. Punch tweeted something over the weekend that I thought was hilarious.

[Mal]

I have had conversations with Punch regarding Mall. He with Mole.

[Damaris]

He said over the weekend.

[Mal]

It was a joke.

[Damaris]

Yeah, it's funny, but I just like that it won't go away.

[Mal]

Mall casually saying he might go to Kendrick's Juneteenth show is comedy. Said it with a straight face like, tde homies not gonna ban. Yeah, the homies not gonna ban him from the building. I think homies might be more racist. Punch replied, nah, mom might try to tackle dot on stage. I could see it. I can see you getting frustrated.

[Damaris]

Do that crane cake that Chris did.

[Rory]

I don't know why people just, you know, the Internet just say, whatever, man. I would never. It's not that serious to me, but I do. I. I am thinking about going, though. Seriously. Only because I like the Mr. Morale show so much. Yeah, why not?

[Mal]

Still doubling down on this, huh?

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Pull up to the Juneteenth show. Okay. Hi. So this past weekend, I did want to go see Bad Boys, the New Bad Boys, Ride or Die, Bad Boys four. Well, to put all these names to it, this is Bad Boys four. And obviously it's a movie that we all know and the whole trilogy. Now, Part four.

[Mal]

Will, who are you bringing to see the movie?

[Rory]

No, I'm gonna tell you. I wanted to go see it. So person I was going with, okay. I told. I said, check the theater. Let's see if we can get tickets to the last show.

[Damaris]

Okay.

[Rory]

Because I forgot this was even playing. I said, oh, shit, Bad Boys is out. I wanted to go see Kingdom of the Planet Apes. That's the movie that I was thinking about until I realized Bad Boys was out. Gotta go see part four. Seen all the other three. But the. You know where you check the. When you pick the seats where you want to sit at. I never realized some people really don't. Like, when you just look at the chart. It can confuse you when you see the two, like, I guess, figures like humans. That seat means it's taken.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

So they was like, oh, it's mad seats available. Like, I'm like, oh, so we could just pull up to the theater and just sit anywhere, I bet. No, those seats were all taken. I'm like, wait, let me see. I look at the chart. I'm like, there's only three seats left in this theater. And they're all like, one over here, one over here, one. I'm like, we can't. Where are we going to?

[Mal]

Women are so bad at planning dates.

[Rory]

Like, where are we going?

[Mal]

Why? Why couldn't she handle that for you and realize that entire thing?

[Rory]

No, but it was.

[Mal]

You put something in a woman's hands. It's just.

[Rory]

But it was more. But I get it. It was a. I think this was Saturday. So it was like a random, like, catch a movie. Ain't really shit going on. Bad Boys out. Oh, shit. Definitely want to see that. I'm talking about on the way to the theater. And then had to, like, just turn around, like, all right, so let's just go get some food. And.

[Mal]

I mean, you still. You still end up beaten or what?

[Rory]

No, this wasn't a beaten situation.

[Mal]

Okay?

[Rory]

No, it wasn't.

[Damaris]

Because you were mad that she up the seeds. Otherwise you would have beat you.

[Mal]

Held you.

[Julian]

Because I up.

[Rory]

No, this was away from her. No, no, no.

[Damaris]

It wasn't supposed to be in the theater.

[Mal]

No, you have to be taken out.

[Rory]

This wasn't that type of situation. This was literally hanging out and random. Oh, Bad Boys is out.

[Mal]

This dick ain't free. I understand.

[Rory]

Yeah, definitely not. But no, wasn't that situation.

[Julian]

Is it just me?

[Rory]

You know what I'm saying? But yeah, I do want to see Bad Boys. But Will Smith.

[Mal]

You're gonna give her another chance?

[Rory]

He did Who?

[Mal]

Your date.

[Damaris]

The bad girl.

[Mal]

The one that ruined the entire situation because she didn't know how to ruin the segment.

[Rory]

Because you keep trying to say it was a date. It's not a date.

[Mal]

Okay. Will Smith help you out? Will Smith.

[Damaris]

Will Smith. Gotta see.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

All right, Great.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

All right, so Bad Boys.

[Rory]

Will did some dope. He went to a theater and watched the movie with everybody in the theater. I don't know how you could be in the theater and not notice that Will Smith is sitting in the theater.

[Damaris]

Like, we probably brought him in for, like, the last five minutes.

[Mal]

Vincent Chase did it with Aquaman.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Would you want to watch a movie that you. You've done with, like, actual moviegoers, like, and get and, like, hear their reaction? What if, like, you're watching it and somebody, yo, this trash. Like, what you. What you gonna do mid, like, movie? Like, you gonna be like, yo, watch your mouth. Or.

[Damaris]

I mean, he tried that before.

[Rory]

Well, that was, you know, that was a whole different scenario. It wasn't his movie, it was his wife.

[Mal]

But, yeah, the closest thing I could have a comparison to that is, like, when you're playing people your music, and they're just sitting there like, oh, it's dope. And you know they don't like it. So, no, I would never sit in a theater to watch myself and people react to it. But, see, even that's my pride couldn't.

[Julian]

Deal with it because they know that. Like, they know that they can't really react because you're right there. Like, imagine, like, you're not there to listen. Like, they don't know that you're listening to them.

[Rory]

Yeah. Like, if you play your album in a room and people don't know that you can, like, hear and see what's going on in the room. And you got that reaction like a real, like, yo, this shit trash.

[Julian]

Yo, who is this?

[Rory]

Turn this shit off. Like, yo, this shit. Who is this?

[Damaris]

Who wrote this?

[Rory]

Yeah, like, this shit is whack. That's how you. You gotta do it. Like, that. They can't know you're in the room. You can't play somebody something and expect them to give you an honest opinion. Unless this is one of those people that you know, no matter what, is gonna tell you, like, yo, this shit is dope. Or like, nah, this shit is trash. People don't tell you to your face immediately if something is terrible.

[Mal]

Good friends do. But me being in a theater. Will Smith. No, I would just sit there and react like, it was amazing.

[Damaris]

That reminds me of, like, when Kim Jong Un faked his own death just to see how people would react. Just to see if they were, like, with him or not.

[Rory]

You thought about doing that before?

[Damaris]

I thought faking my own death.

[Rory]

You definitely thought if. Like, how many people gonna cry at your funeral?

[Damaris]

That's never crossed.

[Julian]

I regularly think about my funeral.

[Rory]

That's some narcissistic right there.

[Julian]

No, not how many people gonna cry, but I regularly think about, like. Like dying.

[Rory]

Wait, excuse me.

[Damaris]

Like, the funeral or just death and the funeral.

[Julian]

They go hand in hand, aren't they?

[Damaris]

I've never. I think everyone thinks about death. I've never thought about, like, who's gonna be my pallbearer? Like, I'm not.

[Julian]

Oh, I have all that planned out. Me and my sisters, funny enough, they're in town visiting because they went to burgers and bottles with me. We were just all planning, like, our funerals, like, sitting next to each other.

[Mal]

But who's gonna. Are you gonna be able to follow up to make sure that they went through with everything that you wished?

[Julian]

I told. I'm haunting.

[Mal]

Y'all have called me sick, and we've had this discussion. I don't want a funeral. So.

[Rory]

No, no. Get back to Damaris and her sisters planning their funerals together. What is that?

[Damaris]

That's what they did at burgers.

[Julian]

And because they gotta know, like, after.

[Mal]

The ninth burger, that's, like, where you go.

[Rory]

You gotta get.

[Mal]

We're gonna die.

[Rory]

You eat another burger.

[Mal]

You just ate nine burgers. We're about to die.

[Rory]

Your fucking blood pressure gonna explode.

[Damaris]

Your fucking intestines are gonna eat all the Krabby Patties.

[Rory]

Like, how are you sitting there with your sisters planning your funeral?

[Julian]

Because we wanted to know each other's wishes. Like, people usually write that out. I want them to know, yo, bury me in this. Don't have my mom put this shit on me. Like. Like, for example, I told my sister, she's a hairdresser. I said, hey, I want you to do my hair. She said, dog, I'm not doing that. I'm like, all right, yeah, don't make her do that.

[Damaris]

That's.

[Julian]

But that. But that's what happens. Somebody got to do my hair. Y'all not about to have me in the casket fucked up.

[Damaris]

Like, no, but, like, the funeral services, they provide the. You don't have your mom do your makeup like you're dead. Like, that's fucked up. You're not.

[Julian]

But they be fucking people up at. That's what I'm saying. You ever been to a funeral? You like, damn, she don't look at herself. That ain't gonna be me.

[Damaris]

Because she's dead.

[Mal]

Like every funeral.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Every open casket.

[Rory]

Like, no blood in their body.

[Damaris]

She looks a little. She's not flush.

[Rory]

She looks a little gray.

[Damaris]

She's a little gray.

[Mal]

They did horrible birthday makeup here. It's like cake face.

[Julian]

But then I said, actually, no, don't have an open. I don't want to open casket because is not about to be like, you know, I don't never want a. That see me off my pivot.

[Mal]

Like I want to are going to be in another realm.

[Julian]

I understand.

[Mal]

Okay?

[Julian]

But I have a reputation and history to maintain. I don't want dead. That is like, I don't want to listen. I don't want nobody seeing me off my pivot for real. And I told her, don't let that one ex come in there acting like was sweet. Like, don't do that. Don't let them fight.

[Rory]

Look at what she going through in her stress. She's stressed in her casket stress. It's how you stressed out on your casket. Damaris, don't let that nigga come in here.

[Mal]

What?

[Rory]

He coming to pay his respects. You don't want your ex boyfriend to pay his respects?

[Julian]

No, he could pay his respects, but don't get up on the stage talking.

[Rory]

Why not? He got beautiful memories with you. Like, that's what you supposed to do. Nah, your ex is not allowed to speak at your funeral.

[Julian]

It's some exes that can't. And then if one ex see the other ex, it might. You know what I'm saying? Shit just not gonna be right. Just don't let nobody get up there saying nothing about, oh yeah, you know, back in this year. And then niggas is looking like, what you mean in this year? I was with her. This just.

[Rory]

Oh, you don't want your. Oh, okay. You don't want your shit to come. That's what the marriage try to hide. Demerit show 1 timelines to start overlapping while she lit a casket. Your family go find out some shit about you at your funeral. Now it makes sense. Now I understand why you don't want certain niggas talking. I get it now.

[Mal]

If Damaris perishes before me, I'm going to make sure her funeral is an open Mic. We passing that around.

[Rory]

We partner with Baby D. Same setup. So, yeah, sit the casket right here. A matter of fact, Baby Dicky right here. Put Baby D right here.

[Mal]

Right here in the same area. We'll put a mic next to it.

[Damaris]

Yeah, I'm not sitting next to her casket.

[Rory]

Why not?

[Mal]

Because, baby, I mean, you're gonna have to sit kind of in the casket if we arrange it the same way.

[Julian]

So we talked. That's actually funny enough. Me and my sisters talked about that. They were like, damn, like, if you died, like, you know, with the pod, like, what would they do? Would, like. Would they put, like, a picture frame, like, in your seat, see what Lauren Hill's like?

[Mal]

Lauryn Hill. Yeah.

[Rory]

Put you right there. Put your obituary right there. And here lies Baby D. I was.

[Julian]

Like, damn, them niggas gonna be sad. Rory not gonna want pod.

[Rory]

You got Rory twisted. Rory's gonna come in here.

[Mal]

This is what you have to realize in a morbid way. If any of us die, everyone's gonna keep potting.

[Rory]

That's a fact.

[Mal]

Show never.

[Julian]

No, if y'all die, we're not gonna keep potting.

[Mal]

It's in the contract with Loyal. With us.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

If one of us dies now, that just. It keeps going.

[Rory]

And we'll be having a contract, too, is if something happens to me or Rory, his half of the company gets split in between y'all.

[Julian]

That is not.

[Damaris]

That is. That's Cap.

[Julian]

That's a lie.

[Damaris]

I know that's a lie.

[Rory]

That's a lot real talk.

[Mal]

All right, well, kill one of us, see?

[Julian]

Threaten me with a good time.

[Rory]

Yeah. Split. Y'all split. Y'all split 25, y'all. Two quarter waters right there.

[Mal]

But you have to continue to cash app his sister and mom, like, with some of that bread.

[Rory]

That's it. But y'all get to bust that bag down.

[Mal]

Look at y'all. Quiet.

[Rory]

Nah, Damaris over there. She over there contemplating now.

[Mal]

We how she's gonna kill you.

[Rory]

We quiet for a reason, Damaris. Like, I'm about to kill one of these.

[Julian]

Rory easy. I could get Rory easy if I. It's hard with Ma.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Mal]

You know, I fall asleep around.

[Julian]

It's real easy, man.

[Damaris]

Yeah. Mall. Yeah, It's Rory.

[Julian]

Yeah, but you got a kid, so I don't know if I would want it to be you, because you got a kid. Mall ain't got nobody to live for.

[Rory]

Damn. What? Got a whole family that loves me and cares about me. God damn. I ain't got nobody to live for.

[Mal]

Yeah, but they Got other people to live for.

[Rory]

Yeah, like Jesus Christ.

[Mal]

Like you kind of on your that island.

[Rory]

Cuz I don't have a kid.

[Mal]

Yes.

[Rory]

Damn. Let me have Damaris. Getting any ideas? Trying to kill me.

[Mal]

We should rip up the contract.

[Rory]

Yeah, we gotta change that. Change that. Get on the call tonight, change that. But I do want to go see bad boys for her. Great things Ride or die, right?

[Mal]

How do you want your funeral?

[Rory]

How do I. I don't know. I never thought about my funeral.

[Julian]

Never?

[Rory]

No.

[Julian]

You want to be dressed like this or like we. I'm not putting no suit on you, bro.

[Damaris]

You're in a suit. Nah, you gotta put a hat on. What would be like an upside down tombstone?

[Rory]

Yeah, like my. My obituary picture. Upside down.

[Damaris]

Upside down.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

Your airbrush shirt. Upside down.

[Rory]

100.

[Damaris]

Do they still do those airbrush shirts? Yeah.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

I mean, I do feel like if Maul died, we finally meet, like his girlfriend.

[Rory]

That's sick.

[Mal]

Look.

[Rory]

What?

[Damaris]

You would have the most fun funeral.

[Mal]

Yeah, it would be a blast.

[Damaris]

Oh, my God. We've met so many people.

[Julian]

I'm gonna sit there and I'm gonna just. I'm Julian. Look, look, look, look, look, look. She's crying the hardest.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Mal]

What. What row am I in your funeral next to Drake?

[Julian]

Well, he got 17 brothers.

[Mal]

I know. That's what I'm wondering. Am I still. Am I still second row? Because of course I'm not first row.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

In my second row, I'm standing room only.

[Rory]

Yeah. We might have to put you in the back with the whites. Just for once in your life.

[Mal]

I'm the only white you know.

[Rory]

Yeah, but ignore the whites that work there. The whites, you gotta be back there with them, y'all. You and Peach next to each other.

[Mal]

You would definitely go to Italian Funeral home in the Bronx church. So. Yeah, there'd be some whites.

[Rory]

100%.

[Julian]

Y'all would be second. Roll them second row at my funeral.

[Mal]

What? Yeah, I'm first row at your funeral.

[Julian]

Oh, okay. I didn't know if you.

[Rory]

How he. For how you first, Roy. The marriage funeral.

[Damaris]

That's some white.

[Rory]

Yeah, that's white privy.

[Julian]

No, I'm not gonna lie. If the row is big, you definitely. You definitely front row.

[Damaris]

How many seats?

[Julian]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Damaris]

How many seats?

[Julian]

You're not sit in front of the casket.

[Rory]

Front row.

[Julian]

You're more on the side of the.

[Rory]

You guys.

[Mal]

No, I'm front row with your pops, your ex and your sisters.

[Damaris]

10 seats in the front row.

[Mal]

Does Mom Animal hold your ex's hand while he grieves.

[Rory]

Gonna help him through it. Like, yo, I know, I know, I know. Just stay strong. Hey, when they say you'll stay strong.

[Julian]

Now when that other. Come and kiss me in the casket. Grab his arm real tight.

[Rory]

Kissing. Kissing the casket is crazy.

[Damaris]

What happens?

[Rory]

Your ex.

[Damaris]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Julian]

Like, you know, they do the little forehead kiss to the dead people.

[Rory]

Nah. But, like, all right.

[Mal]

My mom did that to my cousin when I was 15 and started crying. She's so cold. And I was like, well, she's dead. And, yeah, it was. Listen, everyone breathes different.

[Rory]

That's not great.

[Damaris]

Is that what Kendrick said? I grieve different.

[Rory]

She's dead.

[Mal]

No, it was wrong, Simon. I'm autistic. Just leave me alone. I don't know what to do in funerals. Like, I'm. I'm the most awkward person.

[Rory]

Sit down and shut up.

[Mal]

I just, like, giggle. I don't do that.

[Rory]

You don't have to do nothing else.

[Damaris]

In the funeral, but I like that, too. I'm not good around death. That sucks.

[Rory]

But you just can't sit down and just shut up.

[Damaris]

I just don't want to. It'd be better for everyone if I wasn't there. That's kind of how.

[Rory]

Why would it be better for everyone?

[Damaris]

Because I'm not going to be able to just sit down and shut up. Like, the whole ceremony.

[Rory]

The fact that you just can't sit down.

[Damaris]

The whole ceremonial aspect of it is so contrived. I hate those things. They're so stupid.

[Rory]

A funeral?

[Damaris]

Yeah. Like, the. We talked about, like, the. The business of funerals, to me, is really gross.

[Rory]

I mean, what the business is. Yes.

[Damaris]

You're buying, like, a small car to bury it.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

It's like 10 grand, 15 grand to just throw that in the ground.

[Rory]

No, that's why a lot of people just prefer being cremated.

[Damaris]

I. That's. I'm more on that side.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

Urns are tight, too. They're decorative.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

I think I actually handled that great with my mom. Put it in perspective.

[Rory]

Yeah. Okay.

[Julian]

Would y'all want some of my asses?

[Rory]

Would I want to put it.

[Julian]

Yeah, like, to put in one of your chains. Would you take some of my ashes and put it in your chain?

[Rory]

No, Damaris, I would not take some of your ashes and put them in my chain.

[Julian]

Why you want one of my ashes?

[Rory]

Because I just. Just. I would just go and be impeached. The marriage. I don't want to walk around with some of your ashes. I don't need that. I don't. I don't need to hold on to that.

[Mal]

And then I would just place them, like in weird places just to fuck with you. I would find like, obscure locations to just place some of your ashes throughout the world. Not in a good way, though.

[Julian]

Some of you.

[Mal]

It would be like in nasty places.

[Damaris]

You put some of me.

[Julian]

Sprinkle me over in front of last left Y, bro.

[Rory]

That's. Sprinkle some of me in front of last lap.

[Damaris]

So. So, So a drunk guy can piss on it an hour later.

[Rory]

You know how dirty. What's that? Orchard.

[Damaris]

Orchard. How many. The rats would just eat it up.

[Rory]

Like, yo, sprinkle some of me in front of the last lap. What?

[Mal]

Listen, man, put.

[Rory]

That is one of the craziest requests I've ever heard in my life.

[Mal]

Put me in Basley's bowl, man.

[Damaris]

That's. That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.

[Julian]

You white right now, bro.

[Rory]

You want your dog to eat you?

[Mal]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, no. Put it with the wet food.

[Rory]

Oh, God.

[Mal]

Like microwave everything.

[Rory]

That's.

[Julian]

That's some white ass.

[Damaris]

If you weren't dead, I'm pretty sure you could go to jail for that.

[Rory]

That's disgusting.

[Mal]

That's forgiven. Ashes to a dog.

[Damaris]

Feeding a dog. Human remains. Yeah, yeah, probably.

[Mal]

Do you know what dog food is?

[Damaris]

Not human remains.

[Mal]

Yes, it is. Look at the ingredients. It says human remains, basically.

[Rory]

Nah.

[Damaris]

No, it doesn't.

[Rory]

You gotta get the farmer dog what kind of food you feed?

[Mal]

Basically, it's the.

[Damaris]

The Dahmer child.

[Mal]

It's like 400amonth.

[Rory]

The Dahmer Chow.

[Mal]

Y'all have seen it. It's that. The. That's in the fridge that you have to heat up and put water in and like really sweet potato.

[Julian]

It's not. It's not.

[Mal]

I forgot the name of the brand. And I also don't want to plug them, so. Yeah, but yes, it's. It's fancy ass food. She wouldn't know the difference if my ashes were in there.

[Rory]

Well, yeah, yeah.

[Damaris]

I was gonna say basically gets like real proper food. I've opened that before and I was like, oh, Rory got like some factor meals.

[Julian]

Oh, my God. But I. I do want to see Bad Boys as well. Mall.

[Rory]

She just up. It's all right, baby. D side. Wait.

[Damaris]

Bad Boys. I do. Before we close, Bad Boys opening global weekend 105 million. This is Will Smith, I believe, eighth movie with over 100 million global opening weekends. And he's one of. On a very short list of actors.

[Rory]

He said he was Canceled.

[Julian]

So I think it says 18th. It's Martin's eight, right?

[Damaris]

His 18th movie.

[Julian]

Yeah, and I think it's Martin's eighth.

[Damaris]

Well, either way, they're. They're doing great.

[Mal]

How would you guys tell your current partner that you were going to your ex's funeral?

[Damaris]

Yo, I gotta go pick up some milk.

[Julian]

You told that story in a suit.

[Mal]

Asking the question, I'm going in the suit.

[Damaris]

Go pick up some milk. And it talks.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Rory]

You just say, listen, man, my. My ex girlfriend or my ex boyfriend passed, obviously.

[Mal]

And what if she says, I'm going with you?

[Rory]

Come on.

[Mal]

Okay.

[Damaris]

Nah, nah, you don't need to be. But also, like, if I'm hearing that news, she's dead. Like, she's not a threat.

[Mal]

You should just not go a martyr.

[Julian]

A martyr could be a threat. The idea of someone dying can be a threat.

[Rory]

Wait, what? What?

[Julian]

Like, once somebody dies all the up that they did, we don't think about that no more. Right. Our brains tend to only uphold angels. So now you're competing with an angel. You're competing with the perfect idea of this person that's in your partner's head.

[Mal]

Oh, yeah.

[Julian]

It wouldn't matter to me. But I'm saying to people who it would matter to, I can understand you.

[Mal]

Got a sick brain. If you're projecting that onto your partner, that now they're gonna view them as.

[Rory]

That's what I'm like. I'm trying to understand what she's saying. Like, what?

[Julian]

I've had that happen before. I don't care. Like, I don't care if they live, die, whatever. But I' saying, I can see how some murdering someone could be worse than them still being alive.

[Damaris]

But even with that, they're dead. So the threat of them being in a relationship with them again is not. It doesn't. It can't happen.

[Julian]

No. But now they're just lingering like a little angel. Like, jessica would never do this. Jessica?

[Damaris]

Well, she can't. She's.

[Julian]

Her soul. She would never do this.

[Mal]

What'd Jessica do to you, man?

[Rory]

Yeah, like, it ain't that deep, is it? Like, yo, come on. What are we talking about? All right.

[Mal]

If your girl said to you today, I'm going to my ex's funeral, how would you feel?

[Rory]

Go.

[Mal]

For real, go.

[Damaris]

What if you knew the ex?

[Rory]

If I knew him?

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Go like, what the. He's dead.

[Julian]

Y'all asking the wrong. It's not about the funeral.

[Damaris]

Kind of what I'm saying.

[Julian]

How did they react when they heard the news?

[Damaris]

But how did they die?

[Julian]

How they die? How did they react when they heard the news? Cuz there's a couple exes I'mma drop down to my knees, like.

[Mal]

And then. And then I would sit there like Casey. I knew still liked him.

[Rory]

Now see, I'm the opposite. I'll start laughing. That's why that dead.

[Mal]

How you think he died?

[Damaris]

Yeah, that's why I ain't text you back.

[Mal]

Oh, damn, he's dead.

[Rory]

Crazy smoking on that X pack tonight. Yo, you gotta get real ignorant with your chick. If she crying like that over a. Oh, no, it's about. I'm about to get ignorant in here. I'm rolling up weed right in front of you. Like, yo, you want to smoke some of this X pack?

[Mal]

They said natural causes. Huh.

[Rory]

Want to smoke this X Men?

[Julian]

That's wild.

[Rory]

Only if my girl's like really going crazy crying over some nigga. Like, come on, we ain't doing that.

[Julian]

How you like, what if she loved him? What if they was together for a long time?

[Rory]

That's cool. But you ain't about to be in here crying and screaming while the game is on. After you got that news. Take that shit outside somewhere while the game is on.

[Julian]

I think I would, like, if I was in a relationship and my favorite ex died, I would probably, like walk out the room to. Really? I wouldn't want you to see me break down like that.

[Mal]

As a reformed liar in relationships, I think this is a lie you should just keep to yourself. Like, I don't. I don't want to know if my girl is grieving over her ex dying. And I would never tell her if I'm grieving.

[Damaris]

Yeah, but that's not fair because you.

[Mal]

See, certain things, you should just keep to your fucking self.

[Julian]

He suddenly got really, really fucking sad and was like, wiping tears every once in a while. Like, you're gonna figure out what the fuck is wrong. You know, I just be like, oh.

[Damaris]

And you can't just ignore that.

[Julian]

She tripping. She on her period.

[Mal]

Sometimes you got a lot of yourself.

[Rory]

And then if she grieving too hard, you can't even have sex. Like, yeah, yo, if I can't direct.

[Mal]

If I can't my girl because she's grieving over her ex dying, I'm gonna be mad.

[Rory]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's some to get mad over.

[Damaris]

I feel like that happens often.

[Julian]

So you wouldn't comfort her.

[Mal]

Wait, how often did she. What are you talking.

[Julian]

I said she's with a. She's with a For eight years, bro.

[Rory]

I'm trying to comfort her. I'm trying to put this pipe in her, but she. She crying and, like, I can't. I'm supposed to do.

[Julian]

She don't want that. She want to be held and for you.

[Rory]

Yeah, but you know how holding goes. We holding. We in the bed naked. Like, why are we naked? Are you being in bed with clothes on?

[Julian]

No.

[Mal]

What?

[Julian]

Every time you go to bed, every time you're in a bed, you're naked.

[Rory]

I. We talked about this before. I sleep naked.

[Julian]

Okay, I understand sleep. I'm talking about. But every single time that you're in the bed, you don't like. No, there's no pajamas at all. Like, you ain't got.

[Mal]

Like. Okay, I would try to do it.

[Rory]

Nice way is in the house. Yeah, but it was just me and. And. And my girl or something like that. Why would I have clothes on in the bed?

[Mal]

Because I love my girl and she needs to grieve. I would hold her, but I would also whisper passive aggressive things like, God doesn't make mistakes. We shouldn't question God. This is the path of how the world works.

[Rory]

We all got to go someday.

[Julian]

You is awful. If. If my current up my grieving from my ex, I would leave my current. If you can't handle me grieving, if.

[Damaris]

You can't hear, well, then you lost two men.

[Mal]

That.

[Rory]

Yo, that is crazy, because I would.

[Julian]

Never do that to you. If somebody that you loved was, like, died, like, you love this person. I'm gonna comfort you through that. I expect you to be up about that. I'm actually gonna look at you like a serial killer if you're not up about that.

[Damaris]

That's not fair.

[Mal]

Hold it down. Just quietly. Grief. Don't even let me know. Don't even tell me he died.

[Julian]

Damn right y'all are sick.

[Damaris]

How.

[Rory]

No, I would want to know if he died. Like, I would. I would comfort you, but, like, how much.

[Mal]

How much care if any of her exes die?

[Rory]

Like, how much grief?

[Mal]

I need to know.

[Rory]

Like, you need what, two weeks, three weeks?

[Julian]

I mean, grief is a lifelong process.

[Rory]

Yes, but.

[Mal]

But mall's the type that, like, when you break up with your girl, he gives you two days and then tells you to get over it. So, yeah, you're pro. Your timeline is not seven days.

[Rory]

I give you a week. I give you a week.

[Julian]

It's been a week without her. He feel weak without her.

[Rory]

Yeah, I'm like, yo, listen, you got seven days, bro, and then you got to get back in the game. Life goes on, man.

[Mal]

Yeah, you need therapy, man.

[Rory]

Why?

[Damaris]

Rigid timelines, man.

[Rory]

Why?

[Damaris]

They say. What do they say? They say a relationship, you deserve a great. A grieving period of half the length. So if your relationship was two years, you're grieving. Allotted grieving time is a year.

[Mal]

That sounds like it came from my sleep coach.

[Rory]

Yo, who you got that from?

[Damaris]

I heard it on some psychologists, on some podcast. I don't know. So. So say if it's a 5 relationship, you bought yourself two and a half years of grief.

[Rory]

Get the out of here. Two and a half weeks.

[Mal]

I'll take it to a two and.

[Rory]

A half weeks, tops.

[Mal]

Sicker level. I. I don't care if any of her exes die. I don't know them. I don't care.

[Rory]

Yeah, I'm not sure, but, I mean, the fact that your girl or your significant other is grieving, then you obviously care about that.

[Mal]

I would ask who told you.

[Rory]

Yo, see where his mind go?

[Julian]

He's sick.

[Damaris]

He's dead ass.

[Rory]

Who told you? Yeah, that your ex passed.

[Damaris]

You're like, why? Do you know? Why is that pertinent?

[Julian]

His mother called me crying.

[Mal]

Oh, yeah. I mean that. You with them? You with them now?

[Rory]

Rory said you still got. She still got your number? That's the question she started.

[Julian]

So he still had your number.

[Rory]

So he still had your number. Let me see your text messages now.

[Julian]

You not going through my texting. Me and my dad, bro. He did.

[Damaris]

But what if the last text. What if you were like, say, one of the they were texting was on.

[Julian]

My way and he got in a car accident?

[Damaris]

Yeah. What if it's like they. They were texting the day he passed? You put those dots together. Oh, not like he killed himself. Not to go that dark route, but like, whatever happened, happened. But they have text messages from that day. Yeah.

[Mal]

It's gonna be death at a funeral.

[Rory]

You need therapy. That's the. That's who needs therapy. See, yo, I don't need therapy. I'm telling my homeboy, yo, listen, Seven days to grieve. You breaking up with your girl. Get back in the game.

[Mal]

Have. Have y'all seen that Samuel Jackson movie where he hates the interracial couple st. On a plane.

[Julian]

Yeah. No.

[Mal]

Yes, that one.

[Julian]

All these Caucasians. Plane. No.

[Mal]

Lake Houston.

[Julian]

It's a very cringy movie too.

[Mal]

It is, but. But it came out in 2008, so spoiler alert if you haven't seen it. I don't know.

[Rory]

She came out 15 years.

[Julian]

The craziest shit is I just watched it for the first time.

[Damaris]

Oh, that's when he plays the cop.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

There's so many funny moments from this.

[Mal]

Movie, by the way.

[Damaris]

He's such a hater.

[Mal]

This. I knew I was sick because at the end of the movie when he's at the bar and meets with the. The husband and explains his whole relationship with his wife and is like, oh, today's her death day. But why would my wife die in a car accident with her boss off work hours? I said, oh, I fully understand why he hates interracial relationships. I was with him all the way on this movie. No, I'm not grieving my wife like that. She was cheating and died doing it, y'all.

[Damaris]

Well, that's different.

[Mal]

Did I take it too far?

[Rory]

You did.

[Damaris]

No. When you said, I agree with you, I thought you were just saying that you also hate interracial couples.

[Mal]

I do. I'm serious.

[Damaris]

But him, I. I mean, if that's how you find out, what's that one show?

[Mal]

I would hate the interracial couple next door to me too, if I found out my wife was doing that.

[Julian]

And now that's lame.

[Mal]

You died cheating in a car accident.

[Julian]

Okay, but you don't gotta hate all white men for that.

[Mal]

Well, and it would be the other way around. But I can't say that out loud.

[Julian]

Because, you know, but if the times it wouldn't be interracial because you only date black girls. So she would be going back to her kind.

[Mal]

Oh, yeah.

[Rory]

Going back to her kind.

[Mal]

You know what it would be? Asians.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Now I'd understand why they got the car accident.

[Damaris]

Well, that explains the car accident.

[Rory]

Exactly.

[Mal]

I don't know if we can keep any. Listen.

[Rory]

Or not, man.

[Mal]

Like, I don't.

[Rory]

That's the bottom here. Are we going to see Bad Boys as a crew and as a label, we going to see Bad Boys only.

[Mal]

If you bring the girl that you were supposed to go see it with.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Mal]

She got to come, too.

[Rory]

Fine, great. Let's do it.

[Mal]

But she came back. She can't book the tickets because she doesn't know how to read a map.

[Rory]

Now. That's true. Absolutely not.

[Julian]

Are we going as a group? Because I had a date to see it on Wednesday, so if not.

[Rory]

Yo, you just met this at Burgers and Bottles and you already got a date. Already on two. Yo, what's up with you, dude? That's what I'm saying with you, Baby D. How he taking you to see Bad Boys for how he. You just met this.

[Mal]

That is not Watching a girl eat nine burgers in front of your face. Let's go on a date.

[Rory]

Yeah, that better have money she could eat.

[Mal]

Did you meet him there?

[Julian]

No, I've known this man for a long time. It's the home.

[Rory]

Oh, my bad. It's the homie, huh?

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Rory]

I'm watching you, Baby D. Can we come?

[Julian]

Yeah, y'all can come.

[Rory]

I'm never Damaris. You know I don't want to come to you, but you and your this to see no movie.

[Julian]

You don't want to come with me to see a movie.

[Mal]

I know you.

[Rory]

No, that's not true. Because we were supposed to go and you never hit me.

[Julian]

Say, let's go see Bad Boys 4.

[Rory]

Let's go.

[Julian]

All right, 1.

[Rory]

Whenever you're ready. I won't see it. I won't see it unless I'm going with you.

[Julian]

Okay.

[Mal]

You both give each other empty promises all the time. Her sneakers. She owes you a movie.

[Rory]

Let's go. I told Baby D the last time we supposed to go to the theater to the movies, it was her fault. Fault.

[Julian]

So Thursday we going after. After work.

[Mal]

I got to sleep.

[Damaris]

No way.

[Rory]

Yeah, I don't know if I could do it Thursday. Yeah, not Thursday.

[Damaris]

Well, when's the NBA finals? Because I'll go as long as we're not missing the game.

[Rory]

Is Thursday, I think.

[Damaris]

Yeah, see, we can't do that.

[Mal]

But you got a man trying to go on a date while the finals are happening Wednesday.

[Rory]

Yeah. He loves you. You should marry him.

[Mal]

Or he doesn't like basketball. So he's weird. It's either a green flag.

[Julian]

I'll never date another man that doesn't like sports. It's like a big ass red flag. They be weird.

[Rory]

What man doesn't like sports?

[Julian]

There's some men. There's a lot into sports.

[Rory]

Sports, like no sport.

[Julian]

It's like, not that he hates them, but he just won't. He won't like he doesn't watch them.

[Rory]

I don't. Men don't like sports.

[Julian]

There's men who are not into sports. I won't say that they don't like.

[Rory]

It doesn't have to be baseball. Basketball, like the major sports, but no sport he watches. That's weird as. Oh, that's weird.

[Julian]

I've never ever been in his house when a game was on. The only time.

[Rory]

What was he into?

[Damaris]

Like what I said, what do you care about then?

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mal]

His sports are nothing.

[Rory]

Like, what do he be watching?

[Damaris]

K.

[Rory]

Movies.

[Julian]

He's a big movie guy.

[Mal]

They just Be watching streamers.

[Damaris]

That's a sad. That's sad.

[Julian]

I'm not dating no man who even knows what a streamer is.

[Mal]

Well, that'd be weird.

[Julian]

I like men who don't even understand what the I do for a living.

[Mal]

I mean, he should know, like, about the. About WI Fi. Yeah, he should, cuz that'd be a bad person to date.

[Julian]

No, but some people just aren't into, like, podcasts streaming. Like, they don't even understand any of that stuff.

[Damaris]

Stuff.

[Mal]

All right, so tell us about this guy on Wednesday. What is he like?

[Julian]

He's literally the homie bro.

[Rory]

Where is he from?

[Mal]

Oh, you doing the same Maul just did with this?

[Damaris]

Yeah, you do.

[Mal]

That's both. Y'all love the homies, huh?

[Julian]

And again, you up the segment like.

[Rory]

No, I just have. I have real, like, friends that I don't have to have sex with.

[Julian]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mal]

Same.

[Rory]

No, you don't.

[Mal]

We've never.

[Rory]

Only because it's. Only because it's June. Only because it's June. I'm not gonna say what I want to say, but in July, I'm light your ass up for that. I'm light you up for that one in July. You've got mail.

[Mal]

Do we. Do we have voicemail, Please?

[Damaris]

Jesus. Yeah, we actually have a fun followup. This is the gentleman that called from the military that was worried about keeping his family together.

[Mal]

Oh, yeah.

[Damaris]

So he called back with a positive.

[Rory]

American hero right there. Peach.

[Damaris]

He called back with a positive update and then actually had another dream for us.

[Rory]

Hey, what's up, y'all? It's Tyreek from Gretner, Virginia. Shout out to the 434. I just wanted to follow up and say thank y'all. I'm the guy from the military who needed advice on how to keep his family together. And listening to that pod, y'all really gave me a different perspective. And my relationship has gone way smoother since that. So I really appreciate it. But I have a question for y'all. I had a dream the other night, and I thought about my high school girlfriend, and I just remember how she would always make the ugliest sounds during sex.

[Mal]

He still has pts.

[Rory]

Wanted to know if y'all had ever experienced that before in life. I seen the schedule come out. I'm stationed here in Chicago, so I'll definitely pull up to the show in Chicago. See y'all then.

[Damaris]

Hell, yeah. Tickets available.

[Rory]

Tickets available now newburymall.com Coming to a city near you.

[Mal]

I've never had, like, a girl that had weird screams. But I've had the girl that I know is doing too much. Like, my dick is not this good. You're screaming for no reason. That's the closest I've had to that.

[Rory]

I've never had no weird sounding sex noises. Really? Not weird. Not nothing that I'll be like, what the is wrong? Like, nah, not weird.

[Mal]

You ever a girl that had a really ugly orgasm face?

[Rory]

Yeah, I think everybody has.

[Damaris]

That's fine orgasm face.

[Rory]

No, but like, one eye, different.

[Mal]

Eyes. That is sexy. Like she turns into like a horror character. Oh, like it makes you go, what the. Not the sexy. The eyes roll back.

[Damaris]

Or like, like the white from an American Horror film story.

[Julian]

Stop. That's my favorite meme.

[Mal]

Yes. Like. Like this. Like she. Like she starts to look terrifying.

[Damaris]

Sarah Paulson.

[Rory]

No, but I did. Damn. This is crazy. That face right there. I just remember something. I was having sex with a girl one time and swag. We're missionary, I'm on top of her and she starts having the or coming and her mouth open. And I noticed she was missing the back tooth. Swear to God, I was like, oh, my God, never again. I can't. I can't do it.

[Julian]

Baby D, you would have never done it.

[Rory]

I cannot do it. I cannot. If you missing a side tooth, I can't do it.

[Mal]

I mean, maybe she was having her molars removed. I don't know.

[Rory]

No, it was the one. It was like. It wasn't the last one. It was like in the middle of that and I was like, oh, you missing a tooth.

[Julian]

You went soft.

[Rory]

Nah, I didn't. Cause I'm a real nigga. But I knew that. I was never. I was like, I can't. I could never look at this girl.

[Damaris]

She's less of a gorgeous.

[Mal]

I mean, what if she got it replaced?

[Rory]

Get it replaced before we. Like, you can't let me see that gap. You can't let me see that.

[Julian]

Expensive teeth are not.

[Rory]

When you got designer bags.

[Damaris]

And that's a fact.

[Rory]

Get your mouth fixed. Don't ever come lay down in the bed with no missionary and open your mouth wide. And the tooth was missing.

[Damaris]

Is it. Was it a molar? You said it was way in the back. Or like, it's a bicuspid?

[Rory]

I don't know the. You ask me, I don't know my teeth charts. Like, what the.

[Mal]

It was 32.

[Rory]

Like, what the is he asking me? I don't know. What was the back?

[Damaris]

I'm curious because if you really couldn't tell, then is it that Big. It's like, if it's one of these, I don't really care.

[Rory]

It was like, number 15. 14.

[Damaris]

Okay, 14's a little. That's flirting with noticeable. 15. I'd let it slide.

[Rory]

No way.

[Damaris]

That's your second molar.

[Rory]

I can't with no girl with no missing teeth. I'm sorry. I got all mine. You better have all yours. That's how we rock standards. Yeah, that's how we rock it.

[Mal]

I don't know what you bring to the table. She has to bring to the table.

[Rory]

Exactly.

[Mal]

A whole grill.

[Rory]

You cook, I do the dishes. That type of. You know how I go.

[Mal]

I brought 15. You bring 15.

[Rory]

Exactly. Yeah, I saw that.

[Julian]

You choose. She'll swallow.

[Rory]

Oh, she did that now? She definitely swallowed.

[Mal]

I mean, she had space.

[Damaris]

Yeah, you gave her a filling.

[Rory]

Julian, get out. Shut up and get out.

[Julian]

I thought I was the only one having an off day today.

[Rory]

That was good.

[Mal]

That was good.

[Rory]

No, it wasn't.

[Mal]

You didn't even believe you when you said that that was good.

[Rory]

No, it's not.

[Mal]

It was terrible. After you ghosted her, you guys ever, like, bump into each other and had that convo like, yo, so what happened with us? And you were honest with her?

[Rory]

No, you.

[Damaris]

You walked out, turned his. Give her one of these. Maybe we can give this another shot.

[Rory]

Nah, man. It was just like. That was just so like, oh, my God. I just couldn't because it was like.

[Mal]

That whole scene feels like if. If curb your enthusiasm was on pornhub. Yeah. Like, I think the music would start.

[Rory]

It kind of felt like that. It was like. And I know that to some guys, that's like, if you see this girl, she gorgeous. They'd be like, are you crazy? I just. I can't, bro. I can't. I just.

[Mal]

No, no. Because even, like, when I watch porn, if the teeth isn't there, and sometimes when their tongue comes, I'm like, you are doing porn. You didn't brush your tongue today? Yeah, I can't. I'm with you. Like, that is a big pet peeve of mine.

[Rory]

You didn't brush your tongue today.

[Mal]

You knew what you were doing today.

[Rory]

Yeah. Take care.

[Mal]

This has been on the schedule. Like, why did you not make sure this whole was cool?

[Rory]

Correct.

[Julian]

That's how I see if I'm on, like, a first. Like, first through fifth date with a man, and I see his ass crack at any point.

[Rory]

What do you mean? See his ass cooked.

[Damaris]

She seen my ass crack. A bunch cooked.

[Rory]

Well, what do you mean?

[Julian]

That's why you ain't getting no pussy.

[Rory]

What you see? What do you mean?

[Julian]

Scene is like, if a man's, like, going to get out the car or something, and I see, oh, his pants are sagging. Oh, if I see your ass crack, baby, it's sova. Go be desert down there.

[Mal]

I mean, what.

[Julian]

I don't know.

[Mal]

What if he's losing weight and those jeans just don't fit the same?

[Julian]

Get a belt, bitch.

[Rory]

Bitch. Calling a man a bitch. Get a belt, bitch.

[Julian]

I don't care who you talk about, who wears belts, niggas who pants don't fit. That's nasty. I don't want to see your ass crack ever. That's like, it's. I can't look at you the same.

[Mal]

All right, but how many dates in would you accept ass crack?

[Julian]

Yeah, I gotta. I gotta have a toothbrush at the crib.

[Mal]

Damn.

[Damaris]

When does that happen?

[Julian]

That's like, with me, it usually happened around date seven.

[Mal]

I was about to say, if you got a toothbrush at the crib, I've taken a shit in front of you.

[Julian]

Yeah, around day seven.

[Rory]

I did. Day seven. You got a toothbrush at his house. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[Damaris]

I've done earlier.

[Julian]

Thank you.

[Rory]

Seven dates.

[Julian]

Look at Julia.

[Mal]

How long did those seven dates take?

[Julian]

Seven. Okay. I would say seven dates. Over the course of that type of relationship where you just start. You know when you start liking somebody and y'all just together all the time. So let's say over the course of two months. Two months.

[Damaris]

Those are fun.

[Mal]

Too much. All right, I want to on you, but I've definitely had a toothbrush in a chick's crib after two months.

[Julian]

Exactly.

[Mal]

And she's had a toothbrush in mind and a week. So who am I to judge?

[Damaris]

But sometimes.

[Rory]

Y'All are crazy.

[Julian]

But I know a ball thinking that's two months.

[Rory]

And you got a toothbrush in this.

[Mal]

Let people enjoy things.

[Rory]

No, for sure. That's why I didn't want to say nothing. I was like, y'all get your off.

[Damaris]

But sometimes there's like. There's been instances where you go on a date, first date, get drinks, whatever, and then you do end up back at yours. Wasn't planned, but, like, it got to that point and she's gonna stay over. Give her. Like, if you have a spit, just get. Like, it kind of. It just happens. Like, I've had that.

[Rory]

No, no, no, no, no. All right, slow down. Yes. If. If. If you have a girl over and she stays, spend the night, naturally she wakes up, you have Extra toothbrushes in your bathroom. Whatever. She can take one, use it. Whatever, whatever. Shower, you know, that whole thing, whatever. I understand that, but when she leaves, that toothbrush goes in the trash.

[Mal]

Wow.

[Julian]

Really?

[Rory]

If it's like the first, like, say we've been dating for like three weeks and she spends a night and like, I give her. I have spare toothbrushes. She takes one when she leaves. You think that toothbrush goes next to my toothbrush?

[Damaris]

It's not staying in plain sight, but I'll tuck it. Like, I have like a storage bin. It'll stay in that.

[Mal]

Like you're Jeffrey Dahmer. You just got a whole storage cabinet of bitches. Toothbrushes.

[Rory]

Yeah, he got that photo. Give me the wrong. It's like their IG page. He has their photo. He has the spare deodorant and the fucking toothbrush right there underneath.

[Mal]

And a piece of her toenail.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

No, in her last.

[Julian]

Definitely. I've definitely went to a guy I was dating's house and I had a toothbrush there. And I went to like, I got to the house before him and I went into the bathroom and looked, and I had to call him, like, boy, where the fuck you done hid my toothbrush from these bitches?

[Mal]

That's happened to me before you. I thought it was a one time thing. So I threw the toothbrush away. And then we just kept talking. And when she came back, she was like, so what'd you do with my toothbrush?

[Damaris]

You gave her the wrong color.

[Julian]

He hid my shit.

[Mal]

They had shit in the fucking trash the moment you left.

[Julian]

It had a cover on it and everything. He just hid it. I said, where the you hide my toothbrush?

[Mal]

He's hiding it from the other.

[Julian]

Yeah, I know. He knew. We both knew he was hiding it from. He was like, oh, so it's over here? No, he said it's in your drawer with all like your clothes and stuff.

[Damaris]

But like, yeah, clothes.

[Julian]

Yeah, I had clothes there. This wasn't like a. This was somebody I was dating for a while.

[Rory]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, you got clothes there. That means I was like, jesus, clothes, like full outfits, changing. Yeah, yeah.

[Mal]

He was cheating. Never mind. That was your boyfriend.

[Rory]

He was around because that was your man. Yeah. 100.

[Mal]

The toothbrush, when you give her a drawer, that's your girl.

[Julian]

No, I don't think so. I think it was just that he don't really be having.

[Rory]

Do you have a whole drawer? That's not your girlfriend. No, what I see now. Hold on.

[Julian]

A whole drawer, Ma, you understand is Sick.

[Rory]

No, I understand. Is very sick. Because if you give a girl a whole drawer in your crib and you say that, no, that's not my girlfriend. What is she.

[Damaris]

But in New York.

[Rory]

I don't give a where.

[Mal]

You only have so many dreads in New York.

[Damaris]

Circumstance. Like, in New York, you're looking for.

[Rory]

Somebody to help you with the rent. Like, yo, this is my business partner. Like, what are you talking about?

[Damaris]

Like, I've had a draw. I've had girls be like, okay, well, I. I would love to stay over, but I have to get up so early for work and I have to be in the office, and I have all my work clothes, whatever, and I have, like, my makeup. All this. They'd have to bring all their. And I'm like, hey, you can bring it all. Like, and I'll. Here's a space for all your stuff.

[Rory]

That's a girl. You're trying to make your girlfriend.

[Damaris]

No, that's just someone if.

[Julian]

If I'm regular.

[Damaris]

If I'm trying.

[Mal]

Well, yeah, there's also a corner. You can put your. Over there. That's.

[Julian]

Wow, That's.

[Damaris]

That's. Come on. We're not doing that because, like, also your own crib. You've been to my apartment office. So that's pretty much a glorified closet anyway. So I'm like, just use this space as yours. That's kind of.

[Julian]

Oh, you gave her a room. Now that different.

[Damaris]

But, like, I'm not in there.

[Mal]

He's. He's housed women for weekends that they didn't deserve, so.

[Damaris]

That's right.

[Julian]

Can I leave.

[Rory]

That's right.

[Julian]

Can I leave some at your house? Yeah, leaving.

[Damaris]

Okay, well, you're not. Yeah, sure.

[Mal]

I'm. Leave some over there too.

[Rory]

Me too. I'm gonna leave some ball shorts or some sneakers since everyone's cool.

[Mal]

Just giving drawers away.

[Rory]

That's crazy. To give a girl a whole drawing. Like, nah, that's not my girl. No. What is she, your roommate? She has a whole drawer. And that's not your girlfriend.

[Damaris]

But it's just because it makes sense.

[Mal]

It's the girl I like. But I'm also other. Is what.

[Julian]

Yeah, exactly.

[Rory]

Yeah. So she can't have a drawer.

[Mal]

I agree, but I'm saying I'm trying to give you a definition of what's going on.

[Rory]

There's other women that's going to be in here.

[Julian]

Oh, see, well, that. That was the thing. He ain't. It wasn't other women that was in the house.

[Damaris]

No. Usually when I get to that point.

[Mal]

He hit the toothbrush. For what? His mom coming over?

[Julian]

No, they were. Are going to the bathroom to, like, wipe themselves before they got. But they didn't stay tonight. That's how I knew that little bird bath. Yeah, but she was never gonna be in that house alone to be going through shit to find my drawer.

[Rory]

Wash that cat love when they go like, can I use the bathroom? You sure can.

[Mal]

You sure can, girl.

[Rory]

Come to the crib. Y'all be chilling for, like, an hour. She's like, hey, can I use your bathroom? Yes, you can. Cause I know what you about to go do. Check on it. Clean that motherfucker up. Up.

[Julian]

Do you give them a lot? Do you leave washcloths in your bathroom for that? I carry baby wipes with me.

[Rory]

That's what I steal all the. Every hotel. I still love bath clothes just for that, to give the guests. And when they leave, throw that in the garbage. I ain't washing that.

[Mal]

I do the same my whole days. I. I had a whole cabinet just for the whole.

[Rory]

Yeah, still.

[Mal]

I even had pads in there still.

[Rory]

Damn.

[Damaris]

Damn.

[Rory]

That's some serial killer right there.

[Mal]

Sometimes girls get their period.

[Damaris]

How'd you know?

[Rory]

Stay home, had to get. Don't get it here.

[Mal]

Oh, no, I didn't. It was a girl left them, and I just put them in. Into that communal, like, whatever girl needs to happen. Makeup wipes was in there. Everything was in there.

[Rory]

Now you my girl. If I got pads in my. Under my sink, and you got the.

[Damaris]

Little, like, in the bathroom, the little bowl of tampons.

[Rory]

Yeah, you might. That's my girl. Who is that? My girlfriend.

[Mal]

And usually women were, like, appreciative of me having all that stuff. One girl. One girl called me out, was like, yo, you're sick. Like, why do you have all this?

[Damaris]

Yeah, that's like, no, it's Damaris's stuff.

[Julian]

He been doing that for years.

[Mal]

Oh, I've definitely blamed you for.

[Julian]

He blamed me for everything, bro.

[Damaris]

I gotta start doing that.

[Mal]

But, I mean, sometimes it was your.

[Julian]

It could be a used condom on the floor.

[Mal]

It must have been yours.

[Damaris]

Yeah, that might be the only case where it was you.

[Rory]

I don't use that. What is that?

[Mal]

I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep to myself. You know exactly what.

[Rory]

Damn, Damaris. You had condoms at Rory's house. I'm telling. I'm telling my whole platform, Yo, Damaris. Damaris had condoms at Rory's house.

[Julian]

No.

[Mal]

We both had the realization at the same time.

[Julian]

I use condoms with. I don't use. I.

[Rory]

Damage. You don't use condoms either.

[Damaris]

Wait, so mall's the only one here that uses condoms, right?

[Mal]

I'm in a. I'm married, no peas.

[Rory]

Doesn't he. Doesn't he uses PG use condoms? Lambskin.

[Damaris]

That's a sick individual. You voluntarily use lambskin?

[Rory]

Voluntarily. Let me get these.

[Damaris]

Do you have a allergy to latex? You know, lambskin. I learned this. I was having a conversation over the weekend with some people about this. I guess lambskin condoms aren't super STD proof because they're. They're porous. They're not.

[Rory]

As we went over that.

[Mal]

Yeah. Last episode, we were talking about.

[Julian]

You're doing a great job where you learned it.

[Damaris]

Okay. I was in this room. Yeah, I learned that, Right?

[Mal]

Yeah, Very last episode.

[Rory]

So good. We got another voicemail. No, that was it.

[Damaris]

We could do another.

[Mal]

Let's do one more.

[Damaris]

My bad, guys.

[Mal]

I'm still laughing in my head right now.

[Julian]

We're gonna clean this up.

[Damaris]

But.

[Mal]

Yeah, we don't have to.

[Rory]

Don't. Leave it.

[Julian]

Oh, God.

[Damaris]

All right, let's do another callback. This is the gentleman that was in. Okay. You were very critical of him. The gentleman from Chicago that got locked up. And then he said that was his girl, but it wasn't. And then we had a whole tailspin argument here.

[Julian]

Cuss me out.

[Damaris]

No, no, he was nice.

[Mal]

Me and Damaris is right about this.

[Rory]

Yo, this is Los from Chicago. I was just calling back because I peaked. I didn't get the details on. Yeah, I went away. But before I went away, she had kind of established that I was her dude. Okay.

[Julian]

Kind of.

[Rory]

I didn't go against it. I played into it.

[Mal]

We was right.

[Rory]

Probably should have said some shit, but she went to college. She called general herpes and didn't say nothing until I got out.

[Mal]

Well, came back one in four people.

[Rory]

And then we was cool.

[Mal]

Oh, she gave you the herps with.

[Rory]

Each other on and off, and boom, Herps. She again. But when she cheated on me again, she tried to lie about it.

[Mal]

So you still didn't get much information. I think herpes is the only thing that was added to this conversation. It's the same he said before, but.

[Damaris]

He said they were a thing when he. When he. Right before he went away.

[Mal]

And I was like, yo, bet. Like, no, I mean, he going.

[Rory]

He get. He locked up better locked, girl. Like, that's like, that's. She like, yo, you my man. Whatever, Whatever. So you going into prison. You thinking, all right, I got my girl. Like, she Going hold me down. You know, send me some commissary, maybe come visit me. Whatever, whatever, you know, you need that connection. So he's saying that he thought they was locked in.

[Julian]

He love her. Meanwhile, you find out somebody has general herpes, and you go back to them.

[Mal]

Or if you think they cheated on you got herpes. And then you. Yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah, that's wild. That sounds like an episode of the game.

[Julian]

So you ain't gonna leave her? Never mind. Not actually. That helps now that you added genital herpes into the equation. You don't leave you. Because now you don't want to say it, but you got it, too. So y'all might as well just stay together. Don't go off. She need to stop cheating and giving that shit to other people.

[Mal]

This is why it was passed around.

[Rory]

Wait, wait. You said they need to stay together.

[Damaris]

Just to stop the spread.

[Rory]

Yeah, she got it from some nigga. Go to that nigga you got it from.

[Damaris]

He already went back to her, though.

[Julian]

That's what you're saying. He already went back to her. So now it's like, you love her. You don't went and caught it from her or you the person that gave it to her in the first place.

[Rory]

We don't know if he caught it.

[Damaris]

When he said I. And then, boom. I thought he was like, and then I got herpes.

[Rory]

Yeah, but he didn't say that, so you can't throw that on his jacket.

[Mal]

I think he probably found out she cheated because he got herpes. Yeah, it was like, yo, what the. She's like, yeah. And I was somebody in college and got it.

[Rory]

Yo, that's crazy. Yo, you catch herpes. You're like, yo, what the.

[Julian]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Yeah. Was in college.

[Mal]

I'm only you. So it came from you.

[Rory]

Yeah. Nah, that's. I mean, I hope the gentleman.

[Julian]

Like I said, both of y'all have it now. Forgive each other and just keep each other. She needs to stop trying to spread that around. And just.

[Mal]

So you telling him one in four people, man.

[Rory]

You telling him to stay with the rat.

[Julian]

He want us to. He want. He want to stay with her. He like her.

[Rory]

He loves her. Hey, Lows, get rid of that rat.

[Julian]

Don't. No, don't get rid of her, because then you gonna have to go somebody else and give them herpes.

[Mal]

Stay.

[Julian]

Y'all stay together.

[Damaris]

Don't do that to the greater Chicago area.

[Mal]

Herpes is like their baby. Yeah, like, just stay together for the.

[Julian]

Yeah, like, stay together.

[Rory]

Don't go.

[Julian]

Y'all don't. Now. Y'all both out there spreading. No.

[Damaris]

Or you can come to the show in Chicago, meet someone there, start to spread again.

[Mal]

If it's not inflamed, he should be fine, right?

[Julian]

No, you can still call viral shedding. You can still pass it.

[Mal]

Viral shedding.

[Damaris]

It's like your shedding?

[Julian]

Yeah, like the virus can still, like, shed, even if you're not having an outbreak.

[Rory]

Oh, well, listen, man, stay together. Use cold Rory and mall to get 30 off land. Lo, dump that girl.

[Julian]

Man, don't dump that girl.

[Rory]

Dump that girl. I know it's gonna hurt.

[Mal]

Dump that girl.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

Find another girl.

[Rory]

Find another girl. She's a rat. She's cheating on you. Got something. Cheated on you again.

[Mal]

Go back up to that. That.

[Julian]

Continuing to cheat, knowing that you have a incurable STD. You are a sniper.

[Mal]

Expensive infection shedding can occur 20, 40.

[Rory]

You want to read this on, like.

[Mal]

I know. I'm just. I'm curious.

[Damaris]

Read it out loud. Roy.

[Mal]

No.

[Damaris]

Well, I wasn't trying to trap you.

[Mal]

But during the first six months of infection, shedding can occur during 20% to 40% of days. With long term infections, shedding may occur during 5% to 20%. I'm already lost. Someone break this down to me.

[Julian]

So if you live a hundred days ago, if. If you like, if you have 100 days in your life. Okay, five days to 20 days. Five in between. Five to 20 days. You will be shedding the virus during the first.

[Mal]

All right. But they've been together for a minute. He went to jail. She went to college. This is the first six months they've been. They've been shedded.

[Damaris]

Did she just get hurt? She had to have because she probably just got it while he was away.

[Mal]

Yeah.

[Damaris]

So it's new. They're new. Yeah.

[Julian]

Stay with that girl.

[Mal]

Yo, coming. Coming home to the herps after you just did a stretch.

[Rory]

Hey, Lo, listen to me, man. Man, I'm gonna tell you this one more time. Dump that girl and move on with your life, bro.

[Mal]

How can you tell if you're shedding herpes?

[Damaris]

It physically sheds on the skin. There are. There's no way to tell then when.

[Julian]

This is not us. STD shaming. There's nothing wrong with having herpes, but they need to stop spreading. A lot of y'all be out here spreading diseases knowing y'all have it. And y'all need to stop that.

[Mal]

Herpes shame too much. It's a very common disease. How long is it? One in four people?

[Julian]

I think that's for mouth herpes.

[Damaris]

Here we go. Here we go. Some couples have sexual relationships for years without transmitting herpes just by avoiding sexual contacts during outbreaks. There you go. You could kind of schedule it around.

[Julian]

And you have to use outbreaks anti viral therapy. So kind of like how people stop the spread of hiv. You take, you regularly take medicine to stop your body from spreading it.

[Damaris]

Imagine having to your girl with a condom though, like your actual girl.

[Julian]

Let's, let's, let's get out here.

[Mal]

Outbreak is here. We here now. Can I sue someone for giving me herpes?

[Rory]

Look at what people research.

[Mal]

This is. No, this is the advice we really need to give him.

[Damaris]

If herpes infection results from non consensual sexual encounter, you can sue for civil battery, potentially receiving punitive damages in addition to compensatory damages. That's kind of nice.

[Julian]

That's non consensus rape.

[Damaris]

Yeah, I mean but if you give.

[Julian]

Me, if you give, I think, I think hiv. If you give me HIV knowing you have hiv. Like if you have sex with me knowing you have HIV and don't tell me there's some type of loss, that.

[Mal]

That should definitely be a real law. Yeah. If you walking around.

[Rory]

I think it is though.

[Julian]

Off the hiv.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Mal]

If you're walking around with the monster.

[Damaris]

This is shitty. Shitty SEO for Usher. What famous person has herpes? Just Usher's face. That sucks.

[Mal]

Herpes is a common thing. We're not shaming anyone. We're just trying to educate ourselves because of this gentleman's experience.

[Damaris]

Oh, look at that. Speaking of paying someone off, you paid a former sex worker to whom sex partner.

[Rory]

Not work sex partner.

[Damaris]

Pardon me. 1.1 million in settlement. 2020, 2012.

[Mal]

I think all the celebrities have herpes.

[Damaris]

That's a nice come up.

[Julian]

Yeah, I'm sure they do.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Julian]

I mean all the porn stars too.

[Mal]

What was is it NBA young boy? Who's the one that was rapping about having herpes?

[Rory]

I respect.

[Mal]

I respected him saying this.

[Damaris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mal]

I mean yeah. If you're a different every day the herbs is gonna come. It is. Statistically we will be in Chicago.

[Rory]

What date?

[Mal]

August 23rd. My mom's 22nd.

[Rory]

Maybe something like that. But tickets available now. Newroariemall.com Full tour dates, show dates, schedule is out. July 25th we are in Philadelphia. August 22nd we are in Detroit. August 25th we are in Chicago. September 11th and September 18th we are in London. October 17th we are in Toronto. November 22nd in Atlanta. And then December 13th and 14th we are here home in New York. City at the gramercy theater for two nights. Get your tickets now. Newroariandmal.com There is some merch available. New merch will be available. And we will have merch available at the shows as well.

[Mal]

Mad availables.

[Damaris]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Veils. All the avails.

[Mal]

It's all available.

[Rory]

All the avails. The campaign coming to a city near you. Hopefully some people were like, oh, why the hell are y'all not coming here? I'm like, I've never even heard of that city, sir. That's why we're not coming there.

[Julian]

Maybe the. In Orlando. They get on me every time.

[Damaris]

Yeah, Florida.

[Julian]

Aren't you guys coming to Orlando?

[Damaris]

Florida gets mad. That's your. That's your territory. Mall. Florida.

[Rory]

Florida. Why is that my territory?

[Julian]

Maga.

[Rory]

Oh. Oh, yeah. America. Yeah.

[Mal]

You do really well in Jacksonville.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah. They love me down there.

[Julian]

Tallahassee.

[Rory]

They love me in Tallahassee. Peach.

[Damaris]

Gotta see the panhandle.

[Rory]

Oh, man. They love me down. Love me.

[Mal]

That's where his sugar mama's at.

[Rory]

All right, well, shit, I'm sorry. We'll talk to y'all in a couple days. Everybody be safe, be blessed. Try to figure out a day when me and Baby D are going to the movies. Even though she might stand up.

[Julian]

I thought the whole team was going. Now it's just me and you. See how you lie.

[Rory]

Oh, the whole team is going to. Come on. We all going there. Fuck it, let's do it. Be safe, be blessed. We'll talk to you in a few days. I'm that nigga. He's just ginger. Peace. No warrior now.