Transcript

Baby D (0:00)

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human mall.

Rory (0:04)

Random little charges hit you all the time. Coffee delivery fees, even a plant that you don't like.

Mall (0:09)

Exactly. Life doesn't come with a budget app, but the Klarna card feels like it should.

Rory (0:14)

It's your debit card upgraded. Use your money. Choose how to pay upfront now or plan ahead to pay later.

Mall (0:19)

Still responsible, just smarter. It works. Anywhere Visa is accepted, zero credit impact.

Rory (0:24)

To apply, sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more at klarna.com us/klarna-card Klarna Card.

Mall (0:33)

Pay later Plans issued by web bank deposits in your balance account are held at WebBank. Member FDIC. Anywhere visa is accepted, certain merchant product, goods and service restrictions apply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards. Physical card only included with a paid Klarna membership plan.

Josh Whand (0:50)

If you're paying more than $1 a month for any ED or hair medication, listen up at Joy and Blokes. When you start TRT or enclomiphene, you can add any ED or hair loss prescription for just one DOL a month. $1 add ons with your hormone plan and right now all labs are 50% off. I'm Josh Whand, founder of Joy and Blokes. I built this company because men are tired of paying for fragmented care without results. Every Joy and Blokes lab includes a visit with a licensed clinician who connects your symptoms to your biomarkers. You'll get a real plan that covers hormones, performance and confidence. If you're considering TRT or Enclomiphene, this is the most efficient way to do it. Get started@joyandbloaks.com and use the promo code Podcast new custom customers get 50 off their labs and for a limited time you can take advantage of our $1 ed or hair loss add ons when you start TRT or enclomiphene, not available in all states. Compounded medications are not FDA approved. Learn more@joyandbloaks.com the volume.

Mall (1:55)

No worrying.

Rory (1:58)

Happy 2026. Welcome back. It's a whole new year.

Mall (2:06)

I was trying to give you some like effects.

Rory (2:08)

Oh yeah, I appreciate it.

Summary

New Rory & MAL — Episode 438 | Squatters Rights

Release Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: Rory, Mall, Baby D (+ guests/crew: Josh Whand, Peach)
Podcast: iHeartPodcasts and The Volume

Episode Overview

The first episode of 2026 is an irreverent, laugh-heavy session with classic Rory & Mal banter. The crew recaps their holidays (amid plenty of jokes about aging and changing habits), discusses new music drops and the state of rap beef, teases out some cultural debates (from wedding traditions to "freak ho" etiquette), and debates the validity of getting aroused by your friends having sex nearby. As ever, there's plenty of New York nostalgia, horndog tomfoolery, and sharp takes on music and internet culture.
Main Theme: Kicking off 2026 with personal resets, music predictions, the Fab vs. 50 saga, and a wild listener question that gets the crew deep in their TMI bag.

1. Ringing in the New Year: Aging, Holidays, and Sober Family Time

[01:58–17:13]

Reflecting on 2026:
- The hosts marvel at how "2026 feels like a Jetsons year" and joke about feeling old when younger people refer to them as being born in "the late 1900s."
  - “You know what’s crazy? Kids are calling people born in the 90s the ‘late 1900s.’ I was like, all right, man…” — Rory [02:40]
Holidays and Aging:
- Mall spent time with family and "old buddies," observing everyone's getting "a little rounder" and lamenting how their street-running days are long gone.
- Rory’s New Year’s Eve: failed FaceTime hangout as most friends were already asleep by 11pm, leading to ribbing about getting old.
- Rory reacts to NYE Twitter headlines about Jadakiss being in Times Square without security:
  - “You think Jadakiss is scared of Times Square on New Year’s Eve? He walked School Street!” — Rory [05:13]
Low-Key Celebrations:
- Both hosts spent NYE and Christmas chilling at home, cleaning, and embracing quieter rituals—Mall FaceTimed his praying sister, joked about napping through the prayer.
- Rory "awkwardly" has his first family Christmas as a sober Irishman: “I feel like I actually got to know my parents for the first time in 34 years.” [06:56]
- This segues to the insight that, in some families, alcohol is what prompts all the year's suppressed issues to burst out at dinner: “…an Irish Tyler Perry dinner scene.” — Rory [07:00]

2. Resolutions & Vices: Smoking, Drinking, and Party Debates

[07:32–18:34]

Resolutions:
- Mall claims he's not smoking in 2026 (“Five days, new me, five days!”), which everyone doubts.
  - “I haven’t smoked… five days new me, five days.”—Mall [07:37]
Smoking and the Pod:
- Baby D jokes that Mall is more fun high or drunk: “I like drunk Maul, drunk’s Maul is my favorite.” [08:36]
- They reminisce about Mall "rizzing up" B. Simone at Rory’s house—with jokes about loading up a “rizometer” on the next re-upload.
Almost New Year’s in Belize:
- Mall and Rory almost went to Belize for NYE for "work" (content), but the "court shut it down." The excitement was really about face-timing their group from Belize to cause chaos.
Day Parties, Sobriety, and Hookah:
- Discussion of R&B day parties for Founders Day. Rory admits he needed to pregame to handle social anxiety (“If I went in there dead sober, I probably would have walked out…” [16:47]).
- Hookah is out of favor:
  - “Yo, hookah sucks.” — Rory [18:01]
  - Jokes about “men can’t do smoke tricks unless you’re in high school.”

3. Music & Culture: Releases, Predictions, and Rap Beef

[26:35–55:55]

Doechi x SZA, Album Cycles & Predicting The Year in Music

[26:35–31:15]

Rory’s Music Predictions:
- Triumphant about predicting Doechi and SZA’s collab; expects it to be a slow-burn to #1, loves the record’s “girl motivation” vibes.
  - “It did what it was supposed to do outside of Doechi rapping really well and it being a good song. It got people talking…” — Rory [29:26]
On Doechi’s Cycle:
- TDE may have more records with SZA; Mall and Rory debate if Doechi will drop an album in Q1 or is just dropping singles.

Hit-Boy Studio Robberies & Security

[35:24–40:20]

Hit-Boy’s Studio Burglarized 3x:
- Concerns over repeated break-ins (“It takes 70 of y’all to break into a recording studio?” — Rory [37:09]); theories that it’s jewelry or cash they’re after, but in reality it's “real loser ass shit.”
- Mall questions the studio’s security: “If they keep burglarizing…we gotta move!”

Fab, 50 Cent, New York Rap, and "Squatters Rights"

[40:43–55:55]

Recap of Beef:
- Fab, Jim Jones, Dave East, and Maino dropped responses to 50 Cent’s “squatter” taunts over property battles.
Fab’s Status:
- Mall argues Fab is the most underrated NY rapper:
  - “Fab has been consistently in conversations…giving us verses over almost 25 years, probably.” [41:31]
- Debates Fab’s album catalog vs Jadakiss and Styles P; consensus is Fab has a better discog if you count mixtapes.
- “Fab was jogging. That’s like a layup line.”—Mall [47:02]
50 Cent’s Likely Response?
- They doubt 50 will rap back; he's more focused on “business pettiness” these days (buying the studio rather than replying on wax).
- “He’s in the world of, like, he’s going to buy the block you record your show in. He now owns that block. Y’all pay him rent.”—Mall [50:15]
NY Real Estate Petty Wars:
- Rory’s take: “Buying my studio, I would just go get another studio. That wouldn’t bother me that much.” [55:08]

4. Listener Voicemail Deep Dive: Sex, Voyeurism & Boundaries

[95:41–113:54]

Scenario:
- Listener Taylor calls in: She and her girl stayed over at a friend’s for NYE; her friend loudly had sex with her boyfriend in the next room, which aroused Taylor. Taylor wanted to hook up with her own partner, who shut her down. She ended up masturbating and wonders: is getting aroused by your friends having sex (or the sounds of sex) weird?
Group’s Reaction:
- Strong gendered split:
  - Mall & Rory: For men, it’s weird to get turned on by “your homie’s girl’s moans.”
    - “That's a little... that's kind of crazy.” — Rory [98:28]
    - “That's wild… That’s my friend's girl!” — Mall [109:18]
  - Baby D: For women, less weird; women’s friendships and comfort with nudity, intimacy, and even being naked around each other are different; sound can be an arousal trigger; also, context matters (close friend vs mere associate).
- Arguments over definitions:
  - Baby D: “You can't choose when you're aroused. You can choose to act on your arousal, but not when it happens.” [106:01]
  - Mall: “I think you choose to get aroused in that moment…”
Final Consensus:
- If you have sexual feelings towards a close friend’s partner, acting on them is a major boundary issue.
- Group agrees: for a friend to beat off with their partner next to them who isn’t interested is also out of pocket, but not as wild as doing it without consent.
- Side tracks into whether men would let a “fine” homegirl watch them have sex; Mall & Rory both say, with caveats, “maybe” if attraction is present.

Notable Quotes

“If you're Taylor's friend and find out you was poppin' off to me having sex, and you're just a straight woman that's just friends…I feel like the friend would feel like 'yo what you doing?'” — Rory [104:33]

5. Weddings, Traditions, and Walk-Out Songs

[81:22–92:48]

Viral Video Reaction:
- Discussion of a groom walking out to Lil Wayne’s “I’m Going In” for his wedding processional, and how it didn’t “go over” as he’d imagined.
- “You thought everyone was gonna rap along… He’d been thinking about this for years!” — Rory [82:20]
- “If y’all ever find somebody to deal with you… Just don’t walk out to that.” — Baby D [87:49]
Wedding Traditions:
- Mall wants his groomsmen in Jordan 11s; Baby D calls this tacky, wants men in “hard bottoms like an adult.”
- Cultural comparisons — Rory shares his Irish dad’s wedding photo, everyone in Irish caps (“That’s their Jordan 11s”).
- “For the woman, just shut the fuck up and make it her day… The wedding is for the woman.” — Rory [85:23]
Bachelor/Bachelorette Mishaps:
- Stories about pre-wedding bar brawls; depiction of a very Bronx/Irish point of view.

6. Internet Culture: Going Viral, Streamer Drama & Vulnerability

[67:02–77:56]

Do We Care About The Internet?
- Rory admits he thought he didn’t care until 2025—“I found out in 2025 that I care about the Internet.” [67:06]
Viral Negativity:
- The group notes positive viral moments always turn negative quickly (e.g., critiques called “set up,” “fake,” etc.).
- “You gotta pay $10,000 to go viral. That's what it boils down to.” — Mall [68:32]
Kai Cenat Heartbreak & Young Men:
- Streaming star Kai claims he’ll “never be in a relationship again” after a breakup. The guys joke “that’s such a 22-year-old thing to say."
- Mall: Best advice for heartbroken young men = “Welcome to the gym, go work out.” [75:36]
- Rory: “When I got my heart broken the first time… all the older people would say, ‘this is going to happen again’… My brain took that as, well, now I really don’t want to be in a relationship again.” [76:17]

7. Miscellaneous and Wrap

[112:59–119:13]

Voyeurism Recap:
- Side note: not everyone is a true voyeur just because they watch porn—most voyeurs “really want to watch live, often unattractive, sex,” which the crew finds repulsive.
Squatter’s Rights in Law:
- They discuss how wild it is that squatters’ rights still exist (“I thought they would have gotten rid of that when they got rid of burning witches in Salem…” — Rory [58:44]).
Wiz Khalifa Legal Trouble:
- News snippet on Wiz Khalifa’s brief Romanian incarceration; calls for U.S. not to trade “the world’s most dangerous” for weed arrests:
  - “Stop going to these weird countries with these weird drug laws! Leave the vape at home.” — Mall [118:32]

Notable Quotes & Moments

“If you type out their lyrics, it does look wack sometimes… They do that to Big Sean sometimes.”—Rory, on internet meme culture [47:55]
“That’s ‘the Riz-ometer’ for sure.” — Rory, about Mall and B. Simone [09:04]
“Burp. Put burping in my face is crazy.” — Rory, after Baby D goes off the rails [15:34]
“That’s crazy...sucking too hard on a hookah, I’m not gonna lie… That’s not really my…like,” — Baby D [18:53]
“How many random little charges hit you every week?...Somehow you bought a plant that you don’t even like.”—Rory, parodying ad fatigue [33:14]
“I want to go viral for positivity.” — Rory [67:54]
“If you find a friend attractive… I don’t think that’s weird.” — Baby D [104:01]

Timestamps for Key Segments

New Year’s reflections, getting older: [01:58–06:56]
NYE, Christmas family awkwardness: [05:35–07:32]
Mall’s no-smoking resolution: [07:32–08:15]
High/Drunk Mall is the best: [08:15–09:14]
Almost Belize NYE trip: [09:36–11:07]
Raj hookah & club etiquette: [17:01–19:39]
Music Predictions (Doechi/SZA/TDE): [26:35–31:15]
Hit-Boy burglarized: [35:24–40:20]
Fab vs. 50 & NY Rap: [40:43–55:55]
Listener Voicemail: arousal & boundaries: [95:41–113:54]
Wedding viral moment debate: [81:22–92:48]
Internet/going viral/Kai heartbreak: [67:02–77:56]
Voyeurism & peeking out windows: [115:45–116:09]
Wiz Khalifa in Romania: [117:58–119:13]

Tone & Style

Language and Tone: Fast, irreverent, conversational, alternating between New York sarcasm, deep musical analysis, and overshared anecdotes.
Dynamic: Mall is the deadpan realist and reluctant traditionalist; Rory is the neurotic raconteur; Baby D is the wild card, unafraid of TMI.
Pacing: The show leaps rapidly, often interrupting ad reads with jokes and quickly pivoting from music nerdery to raunchy or heartfelt confessionals.

For First-time Listeners

This episode is a classic example of Rory & MAL’s blend: unfiltered group chat energy, music/culture news, generational reflection, and the kind of “should I be aroused by this” phone calls you only get from this crew’s audience.
If you like:

“Should I feel old yet?” convos
Riffs on family awkwardness, rap nerd arguments, and “real talk” about boundaries/relationships
The inside baseball of New York music and rap culture
—you’ll find plenty to enjoy.

Memorable Moment:

“So you got to make your belly buttons connect. That’s how you get to know someone.” — Mall, on the values of belly-to-belly sex [116:26]