New Rory & MAL – Episode 455 | “Unhappy Valentine's Day”

Release Date: February 13, 2026

Overview

This lively episode of New Rory & MAL, subtitled “Unhappy Valentine's Day,” dives deep into the chaos, comedy, and emotional intricacies of Valentine’s Day. Hosts Mall, Damaris, and Baby D exchange stories, take hot takes, break down relationship dynamics, and answer hilarious and heartwarming listener voicemails about love, dating, and all the complications around V-Day. Expect plenty of jokes about holiday pressures, gendered expectations, pet gifting, and some unexpected discussions about reptiles and goth Puerto Ricans.

Main Topics & Discussions

1. Valentine’s Day & Its Pressures

[03:10 – 11:36]

• Red Rose, White Ceiling

  • The crew jokes about being alone on Valentine’s Day with a “red rose and a plain white ceiling.”
  • Mall: "It's my Valentine's Day, yo." [03:17]
  • They poke fun at last-minute Valentine's runs at the drug store and the symbolic sadness of lonely celebrations.
  • Memorable Moment: Playful roasting about buying discount roses at Duane Reade and staring at the ceiling.

• Palentine's & Galentine's

  • Discussion of men gathering for “Palentine’s,” unity vs. individual goals, and women’s “Galentine’s” rituals.
  • Baby D: “At the Gallantine’s, there’s no boys allowed.” [05:10]
  • The group agrees: Galentine’s can be emotional, but not necessarily a cry fest. “Waiting to Exhale” references abound.

• Valentine’s Day Standards

  • Is it OK to reschedule V-Day with your partner? When is postponement acceptable, and what are good “excuses”?
  • Damaris: "If you had a boyfriend and he couldn’t hang out on Valentine’s Day, honestly, would you be upset?" [08:26]
  • Baby D: “Bring me to London,” joking about not taking no for an answer.
  • Mall: "What do you do for work, unless you're playing in the All-Star Game?"

• Situationships & Testing Commitment

  • Valentine’s as a “litmus test”: people start acting weird in early February, picking fights, or “breadcrumbing” to avoid making plans.
  • Damaris: “You find out how much people really like you around Valentine's Day.” [11:27]
  • Mall: "Arguing February 2nd, that means he putting your relationship in the crock pot for sure." [11:55]

2. Being the “World’s Best Ex” & Relationship Self-Reflection

[12:18 – 14:54]

• Baby D sports a “World’s Best Ex-Girlfriend” shirt and shares stories of breakups, forgiveness, and youthful mistakes.
• Baby D: “… it was your fault. Like, you did something. And he was like, nah. Like, I'm off set.” [12:57]
• Recounts of messy teenage relationships (“You ever just send the same text to seven different people?”) and lessons learned.

3. Toxic Love Music & New Album Releases

[15:10 – 19:25]

• Celebrating new albums dropping for Valentine’s:
  • Brent Faiyaz’s “toxic” music, produced by Rafael Saadiq, Mike Dean, Benny Blanco, and others.
  • Jill Scott’s “To Whom It May Concern” with features from JID, Too Short, Tierra Whack, and more: “I love a good toxic Jilly from Philly album.” [16:40]
  • Debate about “toxic” artists by star sign (Aries women, Gemini men).
    • Baby D: "Aries women make the best, like, toxic music. Her, Summer Walker, Ari Lennox, Jasmine Sullivan." [17:55]

4. Valentine’s Gifts: What Do Men Want?

[21:18 – 23:45]

• Women’s go-to gifts: personalized robes, cologne, silk sheets/robes—met with comical skepticism.
  • Mall: “The only thing silk in my house is my do rags.” [22:06]
  • Sex on silk sheets felt to be a “safety hazard.” [22:39]
• Hilarious riffs on classic and quirky gift ideas, including hotel waterbeds and nostalgia.

5. Pet Gifting (and Critter Tangents!)

[29:02 – 35:56]

• Giving puppies, goldfish, and (tragically) carnival fish as Valentine’s gifts.
• Mall: "How many puppies do you think get abandoned by February 18th?" [29:02]
• The group goes down memory lane with stories of childhood pets dying, custody battles over fish post-breakup, and the responsibility of pet ownership.
• Slippery slopes: “Don't bring no dog that's gonna be knocking over like…” [30:13]
• Strong anti-snake and anti-lizard pet opinions, leading to comedic takes on the real-life and “vibes” of exotic pet owners.

6. Goth Puerto Ricans, Snakes, and Subcultures

[39:31 – 43:14]

• Nostalgic and hilarious discussion about the unique subculture of “goth Puerto Ricans” in NYC.
  • Mall: “Is there still goth Puerto Ricans in the Bronx? ... they were running the Bronx.” [39:30]
  • Discussion moves from snakes and reptiles to trench coats and quirky urban folklore.

7. Listener Voicemails: V-Day Dilemmas & Solutions

[44:03 – 59:19]

Voicemail #1: Rescheduling Valentine’s Day

[44:03 – 52:18]

• Caller frustrated over V-Day dinner crowds and proposes celebrating on Sunday instead; his girl isn’t happy about it.
  • Mall: (on the logic) “To me that’s proper logic. I’m not gonna say man logic, because man logic is just actual logic.” [45:20]
  • Damaris & Baby D stress creativity—do something special at home if you want to avoid restaurants (decor, chef, thoughtful gestures).
  • Key Takeaway: Effort and originality count more than a crowded dinner or a postpone. “A projector is a cheat code,” says Mall, suggesting home movie nights with photos or love letters.

Voicemail #2: Dating Multiple People on Valentine's Day

[52:19 – 59:09]

• Taylor calls in: If you’re seeing two people, which one gets the day?
  • Damaris (53:05): “Whoever’s not on their period.”
  • Mall (53:06): “Choose neither. Kill a grandparent and then spread it out next week.”
  • Jokes on scheduling, priorities (“Split the day is sicker”), and scheduling woes.
  • Damaris (54:19): “You don’t even love your kids equally...”
  • Ultimately, you “pick the one you like more,” though group dissects all the messy ways to maneuver it.

Voicemail #3: Romantic Poetry

[60:07 – 62:45]

• Listener “Josh” delivers an elaborate love poem. Panel jokes that he's secretly rapper Vic Mensa.
  • Baby D: “Can you type out the words for that and send it to me?”
  • The hosts riff on poetic love notes and the challenges of two poets dating: “Arguments would be all fridge notes and rhymes.”

8. Bisexuality & Relationship Insecurities

[77:14 – 85:01]

• Caller expresses mistrust of dating bisexual women, fearing he isn’t “enough.”
  • Baby D relates: She’s more attracted to women but prefers men for non-physical traits.
  • Mall: “It doesn’t matter. You would cheat on me no matter what your sexual preference was, if you wanted to cheat.” [79:54]
  • Debate on logical emotions, gender expectations, and whether you can feel emotional “logically.”

9. Petty Bets & Hip-Hop Challenges

[87:11–91:30]

• Closing bit: Playful bet about naming 100 rappers in 20 minutes.
  • Baby D: “I bet my next month's salary that you cannot name a 100 rappers in 20 minutes!”
• Strategic approaches abound, regionally mapping rapper names.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mall (03:17): “It’s my Valentine’s Day, yo.”
• Baby D (11:32): "Start getting weird around February 2nd."
• Damaris (16:53): “She’ll be mean to you or break up with you and be like, well, now why’d you make me do that?”
• Mall (22:06): "The only thing silk in my house is my do rags."
• Damaris (29:18): “When the summer come, they don’t want that damn dog.”
• Mall (39:30): “Is there still goth Puerto Ricans in the Bronx?...they was running the Bronx.”
• Damaris (54:19): "You don’t even like your kids equally."
• Mall (79:54): “You would cheat on me no matter what your sexual preference was, if you wanted to cheat.”
• Baby D (91:13): "It’s the thinking in the moment and the pressure for all of those rappers."
• Damaris (16:45): "Jill’ll break your heart, make you tea, and like some incense as you pack your shit and get out her house."
• Baby D (22:39): "Having sex on silk sheets is literally a safety hazard. You just slipping and slide. Ain’t no grip."

Tone & Style

The vibe is candid, irreverent, and full of inside jokes, but with moments of sincerity when discussing love, relationships, and insecurities. Bollywood-level advice sits side-by-side with tongue-in-cheek commentary and warm encouragement.

Segment Timestamps

• [03:10] – Show kicks off with V-Day “red rose, white ceiling” jokes
• [05:10] – Galentine’s Day breakdown
• [11:27] – “You find out how much people really like you around Valentine’s”
• [12:18] – “World’s Best Ex” stories
• [15:10] – Brent & Jill Scott Toxic Album Discussion
• [22:06] – Robe/Cologne/Gift Slander
• [29:02] – Gifting & Abandonment of Pets
• [39:31] – Reptiles, Subcultures, & NYC memories
• [44:03] – Voicemails: V-Day plans and dilemmas start
• [53:05] – Multiple partners on V-Day
• [60:07] – Listener Love Poem
• [77:14] – Bisexuality and Relationship Security
• [87:11] – 100 Rappers Bet

Summary Takeaway

“Unhappy Valentine's Day” is a sprawling, comical ode to the realities and absurdities of modern love. Whether you’re single, coupled, or somewhere in between, Rory, MAL, and company have a story, hot take, or hilarious roast for you—along with genuinely practical and creative advice for holiday relationship headaches. Oh, and they can probably name 100 rappers faster than you think.