New Rory & MAL – Best of 2025 | Part 1

Podcast: New Rory & MAL
Hosts: Rory, Mal, and Damaris (with occasional guest/friend chiming in)
Date: December 26, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode is a boisterous, unfiltered highlight reel from the "Best of 2025" – Part 1 edition, showcasing the irreverent banter, playable hot takes, and unexpected confessions that have fueled the New Rory & MAL podcast’s cult following. The crew opens up phone lines for a Valentine’s Day poetry contest, debates the state of modern music, delves into chaotic family structures, dishes out wild relationship stories, roasts modern celebrity antics, and closes with signature raunch and nostalgia. Through every topic, the humor, honesty, and chemistry between Rory, Mal, Damaris, and their rotating guest keep it real – and hilarious.

Key Topics & Segments

1. Valentine’s Day Poetry Submissions: The “Ride My Tongue, Sweetness” Saga

[02:51–07:04]

• The crew teases the first listener Valentine’s Day voicemail submission—a dramatic poem called "Merlot for Baby D."
• Listener Eric Crumble from Kansas City delivers a sultry, if unsettling, wine-themed love poem for Damaris ("Baby D").
  • Quote: “Your bouquet's fragrance in the anticipation of your taste moves men's palates to thirst. Eager to draw your full body closer... Ride my tongue, sweetness.” (Eric, 05:50)
• Immediate joking ensues about whether the submission is sweet, creepy, or Dateline material.
  • Damaris: “He sounds like his Adam’s apple big. And that’s a good sign.” (08:35)
  • Rory: “This is how you end up on the 10 o’clock news. Cause you don’t think this shit is creepy?” (07:59)
• Debate about contest rules and who is eligible for poems; Maul insists he doesn’t want any from men.
• Tone: hysterically incredulous, playful roasting

2. Modern Music, TikTok Virality & “LiAngelo Ball is the Next Drake” Debate

[10:41–17:22]

• The crew debates whether the music industry is declining due to viral, shallow hits engineered for TikTok ("10-15 seconds and it's viral").
  • Maul on trend-chasing: “Every party is a fucking robot and is on their phones making selfie videos... Y’all are stupid robots.” (15:02)
• Rory admits they were trolling Maul in the group chat by championing LiAngelo Ball’s novelty single and comparing him to Drake.
  • “So what I’m saying is LiAngelo has the potential to be Drake.” – Rory (13:19)
• Maul laments the shifting landscape favoring virality over substance and the diminishing opportunities for “real” artists, referencing Ice Spice’s meteoric rise and “algorithm” celebrities.
• Damaris counters: generational complaints about the new wave in music happen every decade.

3. Family Structure, Faux Cousins & Dating Ethics

[18:11–26:32]

• Conversation morphs into “play cousins” and “real cousins”—that blurred cultural distinction in Black (and other) families.
  • Rory: “White people don’t do that.” (18:19)
  • Damaris: “If you grew up feeling like you were, you can’t just turn that off.” (19:59)
• Maul admits that the “cousin” title becomes fuzzy as adults: "If you 35 plus years old and... y’all grew up, like, on some cousin shit... we still holding that cousin title?" (20:46)
• Damaris shares a personal story about finding out a potential romance was actually a blood cousin – “We were sad, bro. We were really sad about that shit.” (21:52)
• Maul jokes about “funeral hookups,” and how grief makes for strange bedfellows, morphing into a discussion of “funeral/repass sex.”
  • Maul: “You gotta know who died, who funeral we at. He would want me to. That’s my man right there.” (26:01)
• Segment ends with laughter about grieving, distraction sex, and Maul vowing to haunt Rory if he hooks up posthumously.
  • Mal: “If I die from a heart attack and you have sex the night of my funeral, I'm haunting you every day of your life.” (29:52)

4. Sadness, Anger & Sex as Coping Mechanisms

[27:36–29:04]

• The hosts get candid about using sex to avoid emotional pain or process grief.
  • Damaris: “I would rather feel the sex than feel the feelings.” (28:11)
  • Rory: “That was a beautiful bar.” (28:19)
• Maul seems perplexed; Damaris and Rory agree distraction sex is a common (if unhealthy) tactic.

5. Celebrity Antics: Kanye West’s Fall from Grace

[61:43–71:46]

• A sharp pivot into disgust with Kanye West’s latest rant (specifically, his insensitive tweets about the Diddy/Cassie abuse video, and his “merch” capitalizing on the scandal).
  • Rory: “Kanye West... you have daughters, you nasty motherfucker. This is disgusting. Yeah, it's gross.” (62:47, 63:04)
  • Mal: "This past rant is the one where I think his fanbase is now looking at him for the first time that I can remember and saying collectively like, nah, fam, you went a little too far with this." (65:17)
• They debate whether it’s a mental health issue or just selfishness and PR manipulation.
  • Rory: "This is not mental health. You're an asshole." (65:17)
• Both hosts declare they’re done supporting Kanye, with Rory adding: “I'm off the Kanye West support train at this point.” (71:46)

6. Funny Relatable Mishaps: 42 Bananas, Grocery Fails & Gendered Shopping Stereotypes

[47:33–51:13]

• Maul recounts ordering six bananas from Uber Eats and getting 42 bananas instead (“six bunches” instead of six singles).
• Banter on delivery app incompetence and the gender divide in savvy grocery shopping.
  • Maul: "We need to just let the women handle the Uber grocery orders... Women know how to shop." (51:07)
  • All in jest—leans into classic “kitchen and grocery store” jokes.

7. Celebrity Crush Nostalgia: The “Bathwater” Confessions

[77:33–84:09]

• Maul tells the story (complete with photo evidence) of telling Halle Berry as a teen: “I’d drink your bathwater.” (79:04)
• The squad debates which famous women’s “bathwater” they’d drink—Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez, etc.—with playful, over-the-top detail.
  • Maul: “Through the straw—and not only through the straw, but the loop de loop straw that you get from like Six Flags with all the….” (83:36)
• Damaris and Rory chime in with their own picks and commentary; segment peaks with absurd imagery, all tongue-in-cheek.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Valentine’s Day poem submission:
  • "Ride my tongue, sweetness." (Eric, 05:50)
  • “He sounds like his Adam’s apple big. And that’s a good sign.” – Damaris (08:35)
• Music industry critique:
  • “Every party is a fucking robot and is on their phones making selfie videos... Y’all are stupid robots.” – Maul (15:02)
• On family:
  • “If you were raised like that, it doesn't matter.” – Damaris (19:27)
  • “If you grew up feeling like you were, you can’t just turn that off.” – Damaris (19:59)
• On funeral hookups:
  • “If I die from a heart attack and you have sex the night of my funeral, I’m haunting you every day of your life.” – Maul (29:52)
• Sex as distraction:
  • “I would rather feel the sex than feel the feelings.” – Damaris (28:11)
• Kanye West debate:
  • “Kanye West... you have daughters, you nasty motherfucker. This is disgusting.” – Rory (62:47)
  • “...this is not mental health. You're an asshole.” – Rory (65:17)
  • “This past rant is the one where I think his fanbase is now looking at him for the first time... and saying collectively like, nah, fam, you went a little too far with this.” – Maul (65:17)
• Bathwater Hall of Fame:
  • “I told her right there. I said, I drink your bathwater.” – Maul (79:04)
  • On glassware: “You go Strawberry flow and the straw. The loop de loop straw that you get from like Six Flags with all the….” – Maul (83:36)
• On mishap groceries:
  • "I had 42 bananas." – Maul (48:21)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 02:51 — First Valentine’s Day poetry submission (Eric Crumble, “Ride My Tongue, Sweetness”)
• 10:41 — Modern music, TikTok, and LiAngelo Ball as “the next Drake” debate
• 18:11 — Cousins, family titles, and romantic confusion
• 20:46 — Are play cousins still “cousins” as adults?
• 25:02 — Funeral/repass hookups & sex-as-distraction
• 27:36 — Sex as a coping mechanism for sadness and anger
• 47:33 — Maul’s Uber Eats banana fiasco
• 61:43 — Kanye West’s controversial rant and the crew’s collective break with Ye
• 77:33 — The “bathwater” confession (Maul to Halle Berry)

Tone & Language

The episode stays true to the New Rory & MAL DNA: raw, hilarious, conversational, and sometimes raunchy—unfiltered NYC podcasting at its finest. The crew pokes fun at each other, embraces TMI, and brings cultural commentary that bounces between thoughtful, irreverent, and just plain wild.

This summary captures the best, funniest, and most compelling moments of the episode for both longtime fans and new listeners eager to catch up on the New Rory & MAL experience.