← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Alina Rose Talks All: Struggles, Daddy Issues, OF, Scammed For $800,000, Chisme & MORE!
02:01:11
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- [00:00]
A
And I remember I waited all day for him to come and like, he never came because my brother wasn't there that time. So that really hurt me. And I got so much anger towards him and I hate. I hated him so much.
- [00:28]
B
What is up, everyone? I'm your host, Alan Heist, and this is Noche, your favorite podcaster and talk show and on the yo de Trio atus Influencers. So without any further ado, please help me welcome my guest tonight. Alina Rose.
- [00:55]
A
Hello.
- [00:55]
B
Hello.
- [00:56]
C
Como hi, how are you?
- [00:59]
B
I am so excited that the Amigas. This has been almost while in the making. You know what's so funny? The other day when I went on your live, when we finally made this happen, I'm really bad at Tik Tok DMs. Do you check your DMs on Tik Tok? More on Instagram?
- [01:12]
C
I'm more on Instagram, yeah.
- [01:13]
B
I'm more of like an Instagram person. DMS. So when you told me that you had DM'd me. And I'm so excited that you did. Possible. Before we get started, for those that might not know you, cienta los un poquito mas de quied.
- [01:35]
C
Hi, I'm Alina rose. I am 25 years old. I've been on social media since I was 18 years old. I do the blue page and TikToks. And I've also been, like, done like, video gaming stuff. And right now I'm currently working on music. And I'm really excited.
- [01:54]
B
And I'm just so excited that you're such a beautiful young lady. And I feel like I love doing the podcast because I'm like, oh my God, she's so pretty. He says those topics that you wanted to talk about, I was like, no mame. She's gone through that. And I feel like a lot of people today.
- [02:18]
C
I'm excited to, like, tell people about myself because I feel like they do see me and they see me as a person that's not human or something.
- [02:24]
B
And it's like we've all struggled and I'm so excited. What did you do today?
- [02:35]
C
Yesterday was my mom's birthday, so like Salimosako med. And then like, we went to my, like, a friend's house. And then I came back home at like 2 in the morning. So when I woke up, I was like, just. It was. Yeah, it was like 1:12, like PM so then after that, so I woke up, we want to go eat breakfast. And then we went to La La Land. And then is that like an La.
- [02:56]
B
Thing because you're like the third person that tells me that they go to La Land.
- [03:01]
C
I just tried it like a day or two ago. It was so good. It's like where they sell like matcha.
- [03:06]
B
What do you recommend?
- [03:07]
C
I could recommend the, the matcha latte with the banana. Like, is it called the matcha latte banana?
- [03:15]
B
I don't like matcha. I feel like it tastes like pasto. Do you feel like it tastes good for you? Like, what is matcha? Describe matcha.
- [03:21]
C
And it tastes kind of tastes like lucky charms in cereal. Like a cereal. Lucky charms.
- [03:27]
B
Lucky charms, yes. I'm like, what type of lucky charms are you eating, girls?
- [03:33]
C
It depends on what kind of matcha you drink. They make it too, how they make it. But the good matchas they taste like kind of like a lucky charm. Would you guys say it tastes like lucky charms from La Land? You literally just ordered the matcha latte banana. I didn't think it was going to be that good, but then I tried it and I'm like, oh, I'm obsessed now. Every day. I've been wanting to like ever since I tried. I'm like, oh, I want to get this every day. But.
- [03:53]
B
You'Re like, remember that doctor's appointment you were supposed to make a while ago? The one you meant to book but got totally sidetracked and completely forgot about it until now? You know that dentist appointment for your biannual cleaning or your overdue annual checkup that's been three years in the making? Well, why not book it today? Zocdoc makes it easy to find the right doctor right now. And it's all online. You can find the doctors that are right for you and instantly book an appointment. As I get older, I keep catching myself thinking, should I go to the doctors more? You know, to deal with things like sleep problems or stress from work. But it can be tough to get to the doctor. I want to keep myself healthy, but the system makes it impossible to find the right doc for my needs. Until I found ZocDoc. They make it so easy to find the right fit and book an appointment fast and directly on their website. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. With Zocdoc, you can book in network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent and more. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com Alan to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today, that is Z O C--O C.com Allen Zocdoc.com Alan now let's get back to today's episode. This episode is brought to you by.
- [05:29]
C
Marshalls, where you never have to compromise between quality and price. The buyers of Marshalls hustle hard working to bring you great deals on brand name and designer pieces because Marshalls believes everyone deserves access to the good stuff.
- [05:43]
B
Visit a Marshalls store near you or shop online@marshalls.com Que non pesar a platicare conquito mas yvam yo quiero saber. How was Elena growing up? Comoreto infancia about you growing up?
- [06:01]
C
I was born in Arizona. Phoenix. Arizona. Okay. Once I was born, my mom took me back to Mexico. And I was raised in Mega Julia Sinaloa from the age of one to five. And that's where my dad's from. And, well, my mom and dad, they're both from there. We ended up having to leave Sinaloa because my dad was, like, very abusive to my mom. Like, le pegab. He actually had custody of me and my brother for a time. So my mom didn't get to see us, like, almost every day. She knew that we were not gonna have a good life. I would cry to my mom, like, oh, like one of his wives is hitting me. And, like, she would hit me. Like, she would throw shit at me. And, like, I would get a scoba and like, I would hit her back. Like, I was probably like 3 or 4 years old. Like, I was little, like, hitting the fucking wife was hitting me and shit. I'm like, what the hell do you.
- [06:41]
B
Remember, like, your parents being abusive? Like, did you ever see her? It was like the mama.
- [06:45]
C
Yeah, I remember, like, it was like, very, like, distant memories. But I do remember, like, my dad, like, hitting my mom. And then, like, I remember one time too, like, my brother was trying to defend my mom and, like, my dad, like, threw him down the stairs and like, stuff like that. Like, he was very abusive. Like, he wasn't a good person. Like, he abused her. And then my mom got tired of that and she wanted us to have a better life, so she took us from our dad. My dad didn't even think I was his daughter because I was like, priyatita when I was little. Like, my nickname is Prieta and everybody else in my family was white. So my dad would accuse my mom of, like, being impaled to him. And, like, she's like, oh, like that is mija you had sex with the black guy or something? Because I was so dark compared to, like, your other siblings, everybody else. Like, I was the only dark one.
- [07:24]
B
Do you hear your dad say that in front of you?
- [07:26]
A
Or.
- [07:26]
C
Well, I was too little to, like, remember, but my mom would always tell me, like, oh, like, your dad thought that you weren't his because you're so dark. But I would always remember, like, the favorite one was my brother. Like, he was a favorite one. Like, Mia Mikasi. No, me. And because also when I was little, like, they said, like, me cava mucho. Like, everything. Like, I was just, like, not a good child. So my dad didn't like me. My mom didn't really like me either because of, like, I was just annoying. Like, I was annoying little kid. My mom took us to the United States. I would see my dad, like, in the summer, but probably, like, for two years after that. But only for, like, two or three days. But then after that, like, I didn't really see him ever again. The moment I started, like, feeling like, damn, like my mom hates me. My. Like, everybody doesn't like me. They find me annoying. And I'm not pretty. Like, was in first grade. Like, first grade is when I started feeling these emotions. That's when I started getting bullied, like, from first grade. Like, I. I got glasses. Like, my teeth were fucked. Like, they were fucked up. Like, I had, like, I had an overbite. So, like, I kind of, like. I don't know, it looked like they were, like, out. Like, a lot. Very out. So when I would go to school, they'd be like, oh, four eyes, your donkey teeth. And I told my mom, like, they're making fun of me. Like, I don't want to go to school.
- [08:41]
A
No Quiera.
- [08:42]
C
And I would, like, make up excuses. I'd be like, oh, like, my stomach hurts. Oh, my head hurts. I don't want to go today. And I was so little.
- [08:48]
A
And it sucks that, like, people, like, brought my confidence down at such a young age because I, like, I see.
- [08:53]
C
My brother's kids now or any kid. Like, I would never, like, want to put them down at such a young.
- [08:58]
A
Age, you know, because you grow up feeling so ugly.
- [09:01]
C
And I got bullied, like, from first grade all the way to ninth grade. And it sucked because, like, I barely started feeling pretty recently because this whole.
- [09:09]
A
Time I was like, I'm so ugly. I would look at myself in the mirror and I'd be like, I'm so ugly. I wish I was prettier. Like, I would look at Myself, Like, I want to change my nose. I want to change my lips. I want to get surgery for my eyes. Like, everybody would be like, no, like, you don't need surgery. And I'd be like, yes, I do need surgery. Like, my face is so ugly.
- [09:28]
C
And I, Like, I felt like this, like, since I was little. And it's because, like, they would tell me. Like, they would constantly tell me I was ugly. Even my own mom would tell me I'm ugly.
- [09:37]
A
So imagine your own mom telling you you're ugly too.
- [09:39]
C
She's like, oh, no. Like, tu cara sta fe atienes granos. Like, stuff like that. When I was a skinny, she's like, oh, de minas queleto estad muy tergadita. And then when I would gain weight, like, she'd be like, ostas gordat. Like, so she would, like, constantly, like, body shame me too. And I was like, damn. Like, I'm never good enough.
- [09:55]
A
Like, if I'm too skinny, Like, I'm still ugly. If I'm too. Like, if I gain weight, I'm too fat and I'm too ugly still. Like, there's no way I could, like, be pretty. And I was like, I need to go get surgery. That's the only way I'll ever feel pretty.
- [10:09]
C
Everybody constantly told me, like, I was ugly.
- [10:11]
A
Like, I remember kids would even be.
- [10:13]
C
Like, oh, like, I don't see you ever, like, dating anybody because I was so ugly. Like, I never even imagined myself, like, dating a guy because I was like, damn. Like, they really think I'm ugly. Like, I don't. I can't even imagine myself holding a hand with a little boy because, like.
- [10:27]
A
They'Re so disgusted with me.
- [10:29]
C
And, like, also, I don't know what I had when I was little, but I would, like, and this is kind of embarrassing, but from the age of, like, since I was little till like, the age of like, nine or ten, like, I would poo or pee myself. Like, and I don't know why. Like, my mom would take me to, like, the psychiatrist therapy, and, like, they try to figure out what was wrong with me. And my mom would, like, ask me, like, like, and I'd be like, no. Say no.
- [10:53]
B
Los en tia pasava.
- [10:55]
C
I don't. Like, I really don't know. Like, but my mom would hit me every time it would happen. Like, she would hit me. And one time, I remember I came home and I went to the restroom, and I guess, like, I left a mess on the toilet because I had, like, pooped. Like, I Had pooped and like I guess I left it. But I was like little and my mom came home and she saw that and like she went and grabbed my head and like she like smeared my head all over the toilet and like she put my head inside the toilet and I guess she was just like really frustrated with me and like, I don't want you guys to think like that my mom is like a monster. Like I think she was just like really frustrated because she comes home like from work and like she's a single mother and she's trying to do her best and she doesn't know what to do with her little eight, nine year old. So I guess like out of frustration she grabbed my head and like put it on the, on the toilet. But my mom also went through like a lot of trauma herself. Like when she was little, like she would get whipped with wires and stuff. So it was like way like her punishments were way worse than like what she did to me. So she doesn't know how to punish me the correct way because all she knew her whole life was just abuse.
- [11:58]
B
Quiero platicaro un poquito maze la re la cion con tu papa nos cuentas that at one point, you know, you stop seeing him completely. He's no longer going to be, you know, coming around. If so.
- [12:20]
C
Growing up, well, I don't.
- [12:22]
A
Really remember any memories with my dad. All I remember is that my mom said that he didn't really love me. So all I could go is off of the words she told me. So I felt like he didn't love me. And then he like I felt like the only one he loved was my brother. And like I remember one time I went to met like because I would go to the summer, like I would see him in summers and I think I was probably like 11 or 12.
- [12:50]
C
Years old and or younger than. I don't really remember what age I was. But I remember my brother would come with me all the time. But this time he didn't come with me because my brother had just broken his leg. So I went by myself. And I remember waiting for my dad.
- [13:05]
A
Because I did want to see him. Like at the end of the day you want to see your dad. And I remember I waited all day for him to come and like he never came because my brother wasn't there that time. So that really hurt me and I got so much anger towards him and I hated him so much. And I think I still have like that hatred towards him because he recently tried to talk to me and I couldn't even, like, I couldn't talk to him because of how angry I was.
- [13:32]
B
Was there ever a moment where tute culpabas for your dad maybe not being as affectionate or loving towards you? Did you ever think there was something wrong with you?
- [13:40]
C
Specifically my dad?
- [13:42]
A
I just thought, like, he just wasn't a good person. So I was like, well, he abused my mom and he's just not a good person and my mom chose the wrong person to be our father. There's nothing I could do. But I wish, like, I did have a dad. Like, it would have been nice to grow up with dad. And like, every time I would see, like, kids with their dads or like, their, like, girls with their fathers at school for Father's Day, like, it would break my heart because I'm like, I wonder how that feels.
- [14:12]
C
As I got older, I kind of.
- [14:13]
A
Just blocked it off and I was like, well, this is how life is. Like, sometimes, like, people just don't have a dad.
- [14:19]
C
And I also met a lot of people that didn't have a dad either.
- [14:21]
A
So I was like, maybe this is normal. Like, maybe dads are not supposed to be in your life.
- [14:27]
C
But then, like, as I got even.
- [14:29]
A
Older, like, I did see, like, dads being around for their kids. So I was like, damn.
- [14:32]
C
Like, I wonder how my life would.
- [14:34]
A
Have been if I had a dad in my life.
- [14:37]
B
That your dad tried reaching out to you. Ya cuenta no poquito maze. Momento.
- [14:42]
C
Well, my brother is the one that, like, talked to him first, and my brother forgave him for everything. But me, I. I'm like, holding more of a grudge towards him because he abused my mom. And like, she already went, like, she went through abuse her who Life. So I feel like I have so much anger towards my dad because of that. Maybe if he showed her a little.
- [15:01]
A
Bit more love, maybe she would have known how to show me a little bit more love. I have so much anger towards him.
- [15:07]
C
I don't want to talk to him.
- [15:08]
A
But I know I need to forgive him.
- [15:10]
C
And like, I do want to have.
- [15:11]
A
Just one last conversation for him.
- [15:14]
C
Like, because, like, I don't want to live my whole life, like, just being grudgeful. Like, I know people fuck up and I know we only live once and this is all our first time living.
- [15:21]
A
And I know he probably went through trauma to himself, but it just sucks because he just was like, abusive.
- [15:28]
C
And then I think, like, oh, he could have reached out earlier. Why didn't he? Why did he wait till now? You know, so it's just things like that. It's like, a lot of thoughts coming in all at once.
- [15:35]
B
Like, he reached out via your brother or through you.
- [15:38]
C
So my mom forgave my dad, and then my brother forgave my dad. And then my brother was like, oh, like, you should forgive my dad. Like, he really wants to, like, tell you he's sorry. And I was like, okay, put him on the phone. But I don't. I don't want to talk to him by myself. And then, like, he puts him on the phone, my dad's trying to talk to me, and, like, I hear him, and I feel so much anger. Like, I just want to cuss him out. And then I tell my brother, like, I don't want to talk to him. I can't do it. So then my brother, like, just talks to him. But at that moment I realized, like, I wasn't ready to, like, talk to him yet because I was still so angry, and all I wanted to do is just cuss him out.
- [16:12]
B
Do you feel like you'll ever get to the point where you feel like you'd be able to have a relationship with him? If so, what type of healing do you feel like you'd have to do prior to starting that relationship? Relationship?
- [16:23]
C
I think that I'm willing to forgive him, but never have a relationship with him. He caused me too much pain. Like, even now, like, I love my mom to death, but, like, I'm very. Like, I keep my distance with her because, like, I love her. I'll do anything for her because I know she went through a lot and, like, I know she's just human and this is her first time living and she tried her best for us. So I always still want to take care of her, but with her, like, I keep my distance.
- [16:48]
B
Like, for your peace.
- [16:48]
C
For my peace, yeah. But so with my dad, I can't even imagine, like, having him, or I would have so much anger.
- [16:54]
B
Growing up without, you know, your dad present in your life, the daddy issues, you know, what does that mean for you as an adult now?
- [17:01]
C
I've never really, like, thought about it, but I guess, like, for me, I guess my daddy issues would be like, I don't wanna. Like, I don't need a man in my life. Like, since I didn't have a man growing up, I'm like, oh, well, I don't need a man in my life. Like, my mom never, like, had, like, a man, and, like, I don't need one. Like, I don't need a man to pay this for me, I don't need a man for this or that. Like, anything that I want, I'll get it for myself. Because I just grew up not having that. I grew up not having a dad to be like, oh, I'll pay for this, I'll pay for that. So I'm like one of the guys. Like, oh, I'm like, I. I don't want it from you. For me, like, I've worked really hard to get where I'm at because I. Like, I never had anybody giving me anything. Like, I never had handouts or anything. Or like, not handouts, but like.
- [17:43]
B
Like you almost had two of.
- [17:45]
C
Yeah, like, I would have loved to have a dad to give me. Like, I would have loved that. I would have loved somebody helping me, like, especially a dad. Like, I feel like a dad, dad should be there for his daughter and like, give him everything. And like, it really just made me be like, oh, I don't need a man in my life.
- [17:56]
B
Do you feel like seeing how your parents relationship was, you know, do you feel like it almost made you not believe in love growing up? Like, almost be like, you know what? That doesn't exist a happy ending. No existe. Or do you feel like because you saw that happen and you see, you know, social media, everyone falling in love, you're more of like, no, yo.
- [18:19]
C
Yeah. I feel like since I saw them growing up, I was like, okay, that I know that's the type of love I don't want. But I know that like a good love does exist. And I like me, I don't like to think negative because I feel like if you think negative, you attract negative. So if I feel like, oh, I'm have. I'm not gonna find love, then I'm never gonna find love because I'm like attracting that to me. But no, I'm like, you know what? I am gonna find love. Like, I'm gonna find a man that loves me, that treats me good, that like medatodo and like, he treats me as his princess. Like, that's how I feel. Like, I feel like I will find a good, a beautiful love, you know, because I deserve that love. Like, if I love myself so much, like somebody should love me as much as I love myself.
- [18:55]
A
So.
- [18:55]
B
And I love that you still have that mindset because pasa muncho on the, you know, we see, you know, our parents go through it, or we see our parents not work out. Y pues al fin del dia. You know, as a child we almost see. Or we want to see our parents as our idols are, as our. And you could have easily been like, you know what? No, I want to shut myself to love. I don't want anything to do with it, but I'm glad. And you know what you're worth and what you deserve that you're like.
- [19:30]
C
You.
- [19:30]
B
Know, she comes to the states and your mom essentially becomes a single mom. What did you see your mom go through emotionally, physically, financially when she came to the states?
- [19:45]
C
Like, she was working, like she was cleaning apartments every single day. Like she would leave really early in the morning and come really late at night just trying to work and pay for us to have a roof over our head, for us to have food to eat every day. She tried her best and it must have been hard for her to take care of two kids by herself. And then eventually she got a third one. But it must have been so hard to deal with me as a child because imagine not having a partner to help you take care of these two children. And one children just cries for everything. I think my mom told me when I was little I would cry day every. Like if she didn't buy me something. Yeah, like I would throw berenches and everything. I was bad. Like I was so, so bad. I don't know why, but. But I guess I don't know. So I.
- [20:31]
B
Do you feel like it was very much you wanting to like get their attention? Probably like, you know, like it's almost like a cry for help.
- [20:38]
C
Yeah. Yeah, maybe like at that age, like since I didn't feel love, like that was probably like me feeling love like her buying me things or something. Because my love of affection is like. So maybe as a little girl I was like, oh, if she buys me this, like this means she'll love me. Maybe. Like that's what I'm thinking because I really don't know why I acted the way I did when I was little. But like, it must have been so stressful for her to like barely make any money and then me crying, like throwing myself on the floor, like pooping and peeing myself at such a young age. And she's like, why is this kid not potty trained? Like, and she's just frustrated all the time, you know, like that's why she probably that that day that she went to go get my head and put it in the toilet and then all she knows is abuse. So she was just like doing it out of frustration. Like, my mom does love me a lot, but she did a lot of things out of frustration and she didn't know any Better herself. Like I said, this is her first time living too, and she did try her best. Like I said, she's working every day, waking up in the morning, coming home late at night, cleaning apartments. We were poor. We lived in this little house and it had cockroaches and everything like that. Yeah, literally.
- [21:42]
B
That's Charlie.
- [21:43]
C
That's your Betty right there. Not yet. Like we live with the cucarachas and then we lived in Paramount. I don't know, like. Yeah, yeah, so Paramount and like we, they were like, they shot up our house one time because it's ghetto out there.
- [21:55]
B
Yeah, yes, yes, I've heard about Paramount.
- [21:57]
C
It's just ghetto as fuck. So we like, they shot at our house one time and then they stole, they robbed like all of our stuff another time. Another good thing that my mom would do when we were little is like she barely made money, but every time it was her birthday, like she would always throw us a party.
- [22:15]
B
When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone.
- [22:33]
C
All protected with end to end encryption.
- [22:35]
B
It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn more@WhatsApp.com Starting your own business can be intimidating and lonely thanks to all the hats you suddenly have to learn to wear. Especially if you don't know where to start. You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise yourself to new customers. It can all be overwhelming and confusing, but thankfully that is where today's sponsor Shopify comes in. Shopify is a commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert. With world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. I love Shopify Amigas and I've used it before whenever I've launched Merch. In the past, I didn't know too much about starting a business and Shopify made it so easy for me. One of the features that I love the most, Amigas is the website feature. When I started my Business and started using Shopify. I was scared because I didn't know how I was going to create a website from scratch. But thanks to their templates, it makes everything so, so easy and doable. Switching your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com Allen go to shopify.com Allen shopify.com Allen.
- [24:33]
C
Always, always, like, no matter what, like, she would always throw us a party. Like, she would work really hard to make sure that we had a birthday party. And I, I really appreciate that from my mom. And like, I'm like, damn. Like, she was a single mother, like, barely making any money, but she still tried her best to like, throw us a party and like, give us everything we wanted. Or like, let's say she we wanted like something expensive and she couldn't buy it for us. Like, like she would wait for our birthday. Like, she would save up money for that day or like, she would get it out of credito.
- [25:00]
B
She would make it happen.
- [25:00]
C
Yeah, she would make it happen. Like, my mom made it happen to make us happy, you know, And I'm like, damn. Like, my mom really did that for us, like, to. Cause she knew that we were poor and like, we didn't have any money, but to see us happy. She tried her best, you know, even though we were struggling with money, like ella oto ha via TRA tavas, like, her best she could to give us the things we really wanted. And like, for that, I always be really grateful for my mom. She didn't know how to be a good mom. So those, those little, like the taitos were like her way of showing, like, I love you guys, I care for you, gu.
- [25:26]
B
I also do feel, you know, especially, you know, the older generations, I feel like parents, I don't know, maybe it's a thing with, like, I have my dad and my mom, you know, my mom's a little bit more chill. But my dad growing up was very. Ma had, you know, these old ways of thinking. You know, it was very, like, rough growing up. But I now think about it, I'm like, you know what? Like, they had a hard, like, life growing up too. Like, sometimes parents growing up think that their only obligation or the only way to be a good parent is to provide. And they skip out on the emotional side. You know, they skip out on the, oh, my God, my daughter, you know, feels this way or my daughter is going through this. But I'm a good mom because I pay the bills. Or I'm a good mom because I'm financially supporting them. But, you know, as we get older and I feel like the new generation of parents are doing a great job at, like, knowing that, like, to be a parent, it's more than just providing, you know, growing up in those circumstances, I feel like as children, especially when you grow up in poverty, it almost becomes. Becomes the normal, right? It almost becomes like, oh, pues. You don't really think about it as a struggle. Oh, like, I just heard my mom that she can't pay the rent. Oh, we're struggling. Like, we're poor.
- [26:46]
C
I think I just realized we were poor when, like, I saw that, like, what other people had and, like, we, Like, I don't think, like, I never heard my mom struggling to pay. Like, she probably did struggle to pay the rent, but I. I, like, I don't remember, like, hearing her, but she probably, like, she probably would, like, call my Theos or she would deal with it in silence. Yeah. Yeah. So I never heard her, like, struggling. Like, we thankfully thank God, like, they kicked us. They never kicked us out of our home. Like, we never had to sleep on. On. On the streets or, like, we were never, like, hungry for food. Like, we were always able to eat food. We were always able to, like, like, have somewhere to sleep. And I think that's my mom. Like, my mom too. Like, like, so I. For her, Like, I think also she didn't realize, like, the harm she was doing me to me mentally, because to her, she was just like, oh, I'm a work. Like, I'm. I'm making sure you guys are alive right now. I. I see her as, like, she was just surviving. Like, she was just trying to survive for us and, like, do everything she could for us. And she's like, oh, well, roof over the head. Like, depression. What is that? Like, you better not cry.
- [27:47]
B
And I feel like depression is, like, one of those things that growing up, our parents always thought it was fake. It didn't exist.
- [27:53]
C
You know what I mean?
- [27:53]
B
Like, depressed. No. Like, I feel shitty. And. And your relationship started getting a little rocky with your mom, you know, when did you started feeling like, oh, like, I feel like my mom hates me growing up?
- [28:16]
C
Well, I felt like my mom hated me since I was little. Like, since I was. Since I was able to think and, like, like to have feelings. Like, I was like, damn, like, my mom really hates me. And, like, she would tell me, like, she's like, oh, I wish you were never poor, and I wish I would have left you. How My mom left you. I hate you. Like, she would tell me all these things, but I feel like she told me all these things because she also didn't grow up without a mom. She didn't have a mom or a dad. She would make me feel how she was feeling too, you know, like, because she felt alone. She felt not loved either. So she was making me feel that way as well. She probably didn't, like, mean it to do it because hurt people hurt people, you know? So I feel like she did it out of like a place of like, she also wanted like, her mom to be there because, like, till this day, like my mom, Yoda Porto, like, that she's been through, she's like, oh, like, my mom didn't love me, my mom didn't do this. Like, my mom left me, she abandoned me. And, you know, so I feel like that's why my mom was not like a good mom to me. And like, she made me feel like she body shamed me. She made me feel ugly growing up. She made me feel in love. She made me feel like I was a burden in her life. Like, oh, tengo esta yacha chiyona. Like, se cagato, you know? Like, I just felt like a burden in her life. And I felt. And it sucked because I also didn't feel loved at school.
- [29:29]
A
So it's just like I was like, why am I even alive? What's my point of living?
- [29:34]
B
Have you ever talked to your mom about how she made you feel growing up?
- [29:38]
C
I have talked to my mom about how she made me feel growing up, but I feel like she always goes back to like, like, oh, but it's because you. It's because you were this. You bre that you were this. You're that. And I'm like, girl, I understand. I was like a hard child to take care of. But, like, just admit your own wrongs, you know, like, just own up to it. Like, that's all I asked for you. Like, and she'll be like, oh, it's because I. I went through this, I went through that. I'm like, I understand, I understand you went through a lot, which is why I'm still here. Like, I. I haven't abandoned you either. Like some daughters, like, if their mom was fucked up growing up, like, they stopped talking to them forever. And I'm like, I understand you went through a hard time, which is why I'm still here. I haven't cut you off, off. I love you, but stop justifying your actions for being a shitty mother to Me, like, just say, like, yeah, I was a bad mom. That's it. Like, stop being like, but, but, but, but. And that's. That's my issue with her. Right? And as of right now, I'm like, I. I get it. I get you. Just stop justifying it.
- [30:30]
B
When did you started being like, you know what? Like, I understand how I feel, but I'm also trying to understand her. Let's try to meet in the middle. When did that change for you? Do you feel like it's more recent, that mindset?
- [30:47]
C
Since I was, like, 16. Because she, like, I would tell her, like, oh, I feel like you hate me. And then she would tell me, like, oh, it's because I went through this. That. That. So then, like, when she told me her story, I was like, oh, okay. Like, I understand why you're like this. I would understand why she was like that. But it's still. Like, I still felt like she didn't love me. Like, it's still. I still felt like she hated me because, like, she would tell me, like, oh, I went through this and that, but, like, she never tried to do better. Like, she would just, like, justify her actions, but it never changed. Like, it was just like, oh, like, I'm sorry, but it's because my mom and my dad abandoned me. My grandma, my grandpa hit me. Like, they abused me like this. And. But it was never like, oh, I'm gonna do better. Yeah, you know, or I'm a change for you. Like, she never changed. Like, she just justified her actions and continued to do the same thing over and over again.
- [31:35]
B
You know, what piece of advice can you give anyone watching that is currently growing up feeling unloved by a parent or doesn't have a parent in their life?
- [31:43]
C
If you are struggling, like, with your mom or your dad, I would just want to tell you, like, like, don't give up. Don't think of ending your life because your life is very precious, and you are going to amount to big, big things in the future. And, like. Like, look at me. Like, when I was little, Like, I. I was like, I want. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. Like, I wanted to kill myself. I was like, oh, why am I even alive? Like, what's the point of me living? Yeah, but, like, now that I'm alive, I'm like, damn. Like, I'm so happy I'm alive. I take care of my family now. And, like, I have so many beautiful things to, like, wake up to. Like, I am so grateful and happy for my life. And if I would have ended my life back then. Like, I wouldn't have everything I have now, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy all these beautiful memories that I have created with the people that I've met or the fam. Like my family now. And you will create way more beautiful memories. Like, it might not be with your parents, but you will grow up to be this beautiful, amazing person, and you will create beautiful memories with other people. Don't let your parents, like, like, make you just hate life and, like, just think that life is not worth living because life is worth living.
- [32:44]
B
I love that, and I feel like that is very real because, you know, as kids, that is our whole life, and we think, you know, oh, my life is shitty right now. I'm gonna have a shitty life forever. But things really do get better. Were you popular? Were you the outcast? Nos cundas un poquito that you were bullied, how you were in school?
- [33:08]
C
I think I was just that, like, weird little girl like, that nobody liked that they found annoying. Like, I was never pop. Ever. I. I wish because I would always, like, see the love popular kids and be like, oh, damn. Like, I wonder how it feels to, like, be liked by everybody. Or, like. And I always would see, like, the popular kids. Like, they were, like, pretty. Like, they looked good. And, like, I'm over here with, like, my little lentes and, like, my frenos, and I'm over here looking like that girl from Nemo.
- [33:32]
A
You know, the one with the little fish.
- [33:35]
B
You know what's so funny? I did see a picture. I was, like, stalking. I think you did a trend of, like, a. Before and after, and it was a picture. You even have, like, little blonde, like, bangs, I think. Yeah, Looking like.
- [33:47]
C
Like, I had my bangs looking like a little roarx dk. Like, oh, my God, I look. That's how I look, guys. That was me. If you are somebody that look currently looks like that, just know that you will flourish that little caterpillar. Caterpillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly just like me. So just. Just wait. Just wait.
- [34:10]
B
How did the bullying, you know, transpire to your middle school and your high school years? How did that look like for you? In Esos tmpos, I would just be.
- [34:18]
C
In class, and they would start roasting me out of nowhere. Like, these. These kids in my, like, class, like, they would just start, like, telling me stuff out of nowhere, and I'd be like, what the. And I would go home and cry, and I'd be like, damn, I'm so ugly. Like, every Time I'm coming to school, like, they just have a roast session with me, for example. You see the little fat kid and everybody's just, like, coming and picking on him and, like, just was saying jokes about him. That was me. I'm like.
- [34:41]
B
They would just, like, pick.
- [34:41]
C
On you just in class. And I think I was like, I think in middle school I was really annoying too. So I'd always try to, like, talk and, like, I try to make friends, but I feel like I was just that little weird girl that nobody really wanted to be friends with. So whenever I would say, like, something weird or something, like, they would just pick on me. And, like, they would start. Then they'll start roasting me. And then I didn't know how to roast people back. But every time I feel like I try to stick up for myself, it was just like a worse outcome because they, like, they. They would all, like, team up on me. And, like, they'd be like, oh, I know you're not talking, you know, like, so I'm like, oh, I know. Yeah.
- [35:11]
B
Yeah.
- [35:12]
C
I'm like, I don't know how to roast, baby. I just.
- [35:13]
A
I should have. I am ugly.
- [35:15]
C
Like, I don't have nothing to say. Like, so I just, like, I would take it most of the time. I'd be like, damn. Like, I really can't say anything back. Like, estoy fair.
- [35:22]
B
How did that affect your confidence or just the way you saw yourself during that time? Do you feel like getting bullied almost made yourself see yourself different?
- [35:30]
C
Yeah. I would go home and like, I'd be like, Tamil, like, I'm so fucking ugly. And I remember I would go into my mom's room and, like, I'll steal her makeup. And I'd be like, oh, like, maybe this will make me, like, look a little bit prettier. So then I would, like, start doing my makeup. When I started doing my makeup, then I felt, like, a little bit prettier because, like, I would, like, hide my little insecurities that I had. So then I started going to school with makeup, like, full on makeup. And. But I didn't know how to do makeup. So I look like a clown. So imagine now I look fair and I look like a clown. But I thought I looked pretty. Like, like, because I was. I thought I looked prettier than what? Makeup. So now I'm going to school with makeup every single day. I look like a clown. I look ugly. So I missed on, like, bullying masks in middle school. Like, I would wear baggy stuff. Like, I was like, a Little tomboy. Like, I like skateboarding. I like playing video games because I would, like, look up to my brother a lot, so anything he did, I would want to do. And I remember, like, I would even get picked on for playing video games. Like, they'd be like, oh, you're a tomboy. Like, like, and now they all want.
- [36:23]
B
To play with you. Now they want to play video games.
- [36:27]
C
Changed how the turntables.
- [36:29]
B
Wait, have you had, like, any guy that would bully you, like, back in the day, like, try to hit you up now, Now?
- [36:33]
C
Oh, yeah, they bullied me in middle school, tried to get at me in high school. And I. I remember I was like, oh, like, why the is this guy trying to hit? Like, oh, but he thought I was so ugly in middle school. And now I museums. Like, I also got bullied in high school, but this time it was kind of the same reason, but a little bit different. So, like, I said, I was wearing baggy, like, baggy clothes in middle school. Like, I was really skinny. Like, I remember, like, my mom would take me to parties, and, like, she dressed me up, like, and, like, little, like, little outfits. And when I would go to parties, like, I would get attention because, like, my, like, they liked how my body looked. So then guys would start talking to me, and I was like, oh, my God, Like, I'm pretty. Like, if I show my body, I'm pretty. Like, they think I'm pretty. Like, once I, like, I wear tight clothes, like, that's all it takes. Like, I just have to wear tight clothes, and people would think I'm pretty. So then when I get to ninth grade, I start wearing, like, little crop tops, little shorts, skirts, dresses. Because then I'm like, oh, I have a nice figure. Like, I just have to show my figure. And, like, people will think I'm pretty. So then I did, and, like, and I was wearing makeup. Like, I would never leave the house without makeup.
- [37:36]
B
What time would you get up? Like, at 5 in the morning.
- [37:38]
C
I wake up at, like, 5 in the morning, do my hair, do my makeup, and then put on my little outfits and.
- [37:44]
B
And out the door.
- [37:45]
C
And out the door. That's when I, like, finally started, like, you know, showing my skin because I was like, I just want to feel pretty. Like, I want guys to want me. Like, because my whole life, like, the only action I got, like, from talking to guys was when I was playing my computer, playing Club Penguin. Yeah, they couldn't even see my face. Oh, I also my little bit planet. Like, a little bit planet. Like, I can get A little in, like, school. I forgot to tell you that in elementary school, in fifth grade, this little boy, like, for. For April school. I didn't know it was April was. But he goes and he gives me a little note and he's like, oh, do you want to be my girlfriend? And then like, I'm like, yeah, I do. And I'm like, oh, my God, like, somebody finally likes me. And he goes. And he was like, oh, April fools. And like, all of them, like, start laughing together. They're like, aha. She really thought like, that he was dared probably. Yeah. And I was like. And I was like, oh, you're all sad.
- [38:38]
B
You're like, fuck. I thought this was real.
- [38:40]
C
And now look at me. You probably wish that was. That. That wasn't an April Fool's, huh? In seventh or eighth grade, I started doing social media. But, like, in ninth grade, like, I started doing it even more. And I would take pictures and I yen for some of my edits, my filters, you know, like, it didn't even look like me. Have you seen that Tre like, oh, I think so.
- [39:01]
B
It's like you have your, like, picture. It's like, it doesn't look anything like you. When you meet up someone, they're like, where's the girlfriend picture?
- [39:07]
C
Yeah, that was really me. So they started calling me catfish. And I like, in high school, like, they're like, oh, you're catfish. You're ugly as person. Like, why do you, like, lie to guys? I would, like, cry and I'll be like, oh, like, I don't want to be a catfish. Like, I like, I'm not trying to be a cat. I just feel pretty. Like, I feel pretty when, like, I take these pictures and I edit them a little bit. I stopped, like, editing it too much, but I was still like a catfish because I was really like, I'm. I'm photo. Like, I was photogenic. Like, I was really photo. Like, I. I somehow always look better just, like, posing, but in person. Like, when you saw me in person, I used to me fail. Like, ugly ass teeth. Like, oh, no.
- [39:43]
B
Like, you knew your angles.
- [39:45]
C
Yeah, so I knew my angles. I was like, I know where to pose, like, to look good. But then, like, I got bullied even more for that because they're like, oh, where's this girl? Like that, like this, not you.
- [39:54]
B
Do you feel like in high school the bullying came more from girls rather than guys?
- [39:58]
C
It came from both because, like, the guys felt like I was lying to them because they would see me in person, they'd Be like, what the. Like, you're ugly. I'm like, oh. But some guys did like, like, I remember like 10 year, like little novios, but it was never serious. It was like, you know those little novios that you have for like a month or two.
- [40:14]
B
And like, yeah, you had your little guys that wanted with you. You would entertain them, they would entertain you.
- [40:19]
C
But I would never like, considered a real relationship because for me, a relationship like it like, for me it's like more than like three to four months or like four, four to five months. But yeah, I had like my little relationship in high school, but it was never serious. Nothing serious. So yeah, there was some guys that did like, genuinely like me and that they thought I was pretty. But for the most part, like, a lot of guys also thought I was a catfish. And like, they're like, oh, what the. Like, this is not the girl I found, like I was talking to on social media. Like, you're a liar.
- [40:43]
B
In ninth grade you got into a fight. Was it over getting bullied or what was that fight about?
- [40:48]
C
Okay, so in ninth grade I got into a fight because, well, this was my. This was my best friend. Like, she was my best friend in like eighth grade and. And then a ninth grade, like, we were really close and so we had a little friend and this little amiguito, like, he would be like, oh, this girl, she's saying this about you. And then he would come to me and she's like, oh, she's saying this about you. And like go back and forth.
- [41:08]
B
He would instigate, instigate.
- [41:10]
C
So then we were like, oh, why the fuck are you saying this? Da, da, da. So we were like confronting each other about like, what. What we both had like said the whole time. This motherfucker was just making shit up. But like now me and her are like confronting each other and we think we're like talking shit. And I was like, what the. I never said that. So we start fighting. And then, yes, My mom got so mad at me, they gave me a ticket. Like I had to go to court for it. And I was like, like, whatever. I was like, I'm never fighting at school. Like.
- [41:36]
B
Wait, you got an actual ticket? Like a ticket?
- [41:39]
C
Yeah, yeah, like a ticket. Like, I don't think it was a lot.
- [41:41]
B
I think literally.
- [41:43]
C
Literally, yeah, that happened that, that time. And then another time it was in 10th grade and this one, it was like another one of my ex friends. And I don't know why, like, I don't remember really why, but she wanted to fight Me. And then like I was getting out of school and I was like, no, like I don't want to fight, like I really don't want to fight. And then she's like, oh well if I see you outside, like I'm fighting you. Because I was like, oh, I don't want to fight in school. Like I already did that. Like I'm like, I'm not trying to pay a ticket, like I'm not fighting you. And she was like, oh well, if I catch you outside, like I'm fighting you. Like I'm just gonna pull up, I'm on you. And so I call my mom and I'm like, ma, like this girl wants to like fight me, like come get me. Like cuz she would. Like I would always walk to school, My mom never came pick me up. Like morning, afternoon. Like I would always walk to school, walk back to school like. And I was like, mom, like just pick me up this one time, please. Like this.
- [42:32]
B
I'm about to get my ass beat.
- [42:34]
C
Literally, I'm like about to get my ass beat, like come pick me up. And then she was like, no, no, no. And I'm like, okay. So then I start walking to my, my house and they do pull up on, like they see me, so they pull up on me. Then I start fighting this girl. Like when I start fighting this girl, I remember like I'm on top of her and I'm hitting her, but then her friend in the back, she hits me to get off of her. And then like that's when my brother comes and like he's like, come on, let's go. So then my brother takes me and like we ended up leaving.
- [43:02]
B
You got into fights your sophomore year? Was that you saw her again?
- [43:05]
C
No. So no. So then I moved schools. I'm now in a new school and. And this one was really odd. Like I really don't know. I ended up fighting this girl. Like I didn't really know her. Like she was just friends with my friends. When I was in sophomore year, we would go to like this little trap house where we would smoke weed and all that stuff and she was there and like she was trying to sell me like a Sanex bar. Like it was fake though. And like I wasn't trying, I forgot, but I wasn't like trying to buy it and like, like something like, I don't know, something like that, like I was trying to buy a Sanex bar shoes or I wasn't trying to buy it from, from her, whatever. And then I was like, oh, I need to charge my phone. And she's like, oh, I could charge your phone. So this girl was trying to grab my phone, put it inside so she could steal it from me. And like, I was like, oh, no, no, no. You know what? Like, I'm gonna grab my phone. Like, I don't. I don't need a charge anymore. Like, I'm just gonna go home. I forgot how, but I guess, like, I take the. The bar. But I didn't. Like, I didn't. I. I didn't take it or anything. I don't know. Then she was like, oh, you owe me $5 for the statics bar. And I'm like, what? Like, I didn't even take the sonic bar. So now she's pressing me for like $5. And I'm like, bitch, why? Like, you try to steal my the phone? Like, now she's pressing me and now and. And she's like, oh, like, I'll fight you. I'm like, okay, then fight the. Then the next day, like, we meet up in the alley and like, we start fighting, and then she's like, oh, round two, round two. So then we go round two. And then she's like, oh, round three rounders. And then we go round three. And then like, around four, we went like four rounds of just like, we are fighting. And then I think at the end, like, she tried to be cool with me, and I was like, what the.
- [44:28]
B
I'd be like, down a fight ovia mente. But I feel like leading up to the fight, I'd be like, oh, my God. Like, what if they me up? Like, were you scared going into these fights?
- [44:37]
C
I was always scared if I like to get my ass beat. But at the same time, I wasn't because I already got my ass beat at home. So I was like, if I get my ass beat, like, I get my ass be like, my brother beats my ass all the time. Like, like, me and him would fight. Like, we. We would go at it. So I was like, like, I'm not gonna let them talk to me crazy either. Like, I'm sick of people talking to me like this. Like, I started like. Like in high school. That's when I started standing up for myself. And then I was, like, really angry. Like, I was a really angry person.
- [45:02]
B
You're so stuff almost.
- [45:03]
C
Yeah. Like, I was like, I was rebellious. Like, I was really, like, I was angry all the time because, like. Like, my mom was bad to me, like, at home and then at school, like, I got bullied. So, like, in my Little body. Like, all I had was anger. So I was a really angry person. So then, yeah, so I would. Like, I wasn't. I wasn't scared. Like, I was like, if I. They beat me, I asked, like, they beat my ass.
- [45:21]
B
What would your mom tell you? Like, would she get mad?
- [45:23]
C
Or she would be like, oh, like, it's all your fault. Like, everywhere you go, like, no matter where, like, you're always getting in fights. Like, you're the problem. It's you. You're the problem. You're the problem. And I was like, damn. Like, I guess I am the problem. Like, I don't know. Like. And I was like, but these girls pick on me. Like, sometimes they just pick on me to pick on me. And my mom was like, no. Like, you're the problem. Like, you're always getting into fights. Like, what is the problema? So I'm just like, whatever. And then the fourth fight that I got into was like, I was new to this school. I didn't know this girl. Like, I did not know anything about this girl. Like, yeah, like estaba. Like, you know, like a little bit bigger than me. She would come up to me, she'd be like, oh, I heard you were talking shit about my dad. I'm like, who the is your dad? Like, I don't know you or your dad. And she'll be like, no, like, I want to fight you because you're talking about my dad. And I was generally so confused. I was like, I'm new to this school. I don't know you or your dad. Like, why the would I talk about your dad? I don't even know you. Like, I don't. I'm new to this.
- [46:19]
B
Like, to know your dad, I got to know you, literally. And I don't know you.
- [46:22]
C
Every day she would come up to me and she was like, oh, like, I'm a fight you. And like, I would walk away. Like, I would just go walk into. And she'd be like, scary ass bitch. Like, you're scary ass bitch. And like every day she would harass me me. So one day, like, I finally got tired of it and I was like, okay, like, I'll fight you. Like, just leave me alone. Like, if I get my ass be it. Like, I was low key scared because, you know, get my ass be. I'm gonna get my ass be. Like, I'd rather that than you, like, harassing me. Every single day we go to the alley after school and like, we start fighting. I thought I was gonna get my ass beat, but Like. Like, the fight. The. Like, her fist felt like little teddy bear. Like, it was like a little. It's all cushioned, but, like, something soft. And I was like, oh. Like, this doesn't hurt. Like, no matter where.
- [47:00]
B
Like.
- [47:00]
C
And, like, she was able to, like, bring me down. But I remember when I was down on the floor, like, I kicked her face. And, like, I had recorded the whole fight and I. And I, like, posted it on. On, like, whatever we had. I think Instagram.
- [47:11]
B
Instagram, yeah. Yeah.
- [47:12]
C
So I had posted on Instagram with the YG song. Why you always hating? Because I thought the fight was so funny. Because I'm like, why did you want to fight me for? Like, you didn't even beat my ass. Like, you. You did all of this to not even beat my ass, but, like, I don't feel like I beat her ass, but she also didn't beat my ass.
- [47:25]
B
You know, it was kind of like a T. It was like we went at it.
- [47:30]
C
Yeah. She left me alone after she learned her lesson.
- [47:32]
B
She's like, all right, I can't bully her anymore.
- [47:37]
C
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- [47:53]
B
I get an extra 5% off with my Nordstrom credit card total queen treatment.
- [47:57]
C
Join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. Big gifts, big perks.
- [48:03]
B
That's why you rack. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft.
- [48:13]
C
Of making something timeless while being a.
- [48:15]
B
Part of legendary nights.
- [48:16]
C
From backyard jams to sold out arenas, There's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly.
- [48:22]
B
Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks.
- [48:25]
C
Tennessee Whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee.
- [48:32]
B
Upgrade your laundry routine with a durable and reliable Maytag laundry pair at Lowes. Like the new Maytag washer and dryer with performance enhanced stain fighting power designed to cut through series dirt and grime. And what's great is this laundry pair is in stock and ready for delivery when you need it the most. Don't miss out. Shop Maytag in store or online today at Lowe's. That when you turned 16, you know your mom kicked you out of her house. What led to you getting kicked out? What was going through your mind at 16? Like, oh, I gotta figure this out. And what did you struggle through during that time?
- [49:21]
C
At the age of 16, my mom kicked me out because I was really like bad. Like I was rebellious. Like I would not come home for like two, three nights. I was smoking weed. I was like going to parties because like at this point I didn't care about myself because I was like nobody cares about me. Like why should I care about me? Like I'm gonna just do whatever. Like my mom, no limorta, like she, she doesn't love me. So if anything bad happens to me me, like she wouldn't care. So I was just like being bad. Like I was rebel. Like I was rebelling. Like, like not sleeping over for like two nights. Like I would stay at my friend's house and then I would come home and she's like, oh, so. So then that's where it came that I got kicked out because like were.
- [50:03]
B
You scared at the time? You're like, where's my boy?
- [50:06]
C
So I think I was like crying but then I was like, okay, maybe, yeah, like I don't give a. Like I was very like, like I don't, like I don't care. I'll leave. Like you don't want me here. Like I'll leave. So then she, she like grabbed my phone and like she smashed it. But I had like a skateboard, like I would skateboard everywhere. So I got my skateboard and then like I left. I kind of remember where my friend lived, but I didn't know and I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have a way to like contact her because like so then like I'm like at night, this is like late at night in Paramount, in the ghetto. It's like 10, 11 at night. So 16 year old girl, 16 year old girl. And I'm out here in my skateboard just like zoomy trying to go to my best friend's house and I don't know how to get there. I'm like, like I lowkey forgot how to get there. Then I see a guy like, and I'm like, hey, like do you think I could use your, your phone really quick? And like I remember my like friend's number so I call her and I'm like, hey, like I'm lost and I'm trying to get to your house and I just got kicked out. Like do you think I could stay there for a little bit? And so they come pick me up and then I go to her house and that good thing nothing happened to me, you know? Like that's scary. Like A little like that guy could have easily like kidnapped, like done, whatever. And like I'm over here like a 16 year old girl.
- [51:12]
B
And then your mom just kicked you out, so it's not like someone's gonna look for you the day after like you're in the calle. That's crazy.
- [51:18]
C
No, my mama kicked me out and then she'll call the cops because I wouldn't come back home be.
- [51:21]
B
So for two months.
- [51:24]
C
No. So I was there for a week. My brother was 18 and he had a daughter. Like they, they had their kid at like a very young age. But they're like living in this little apartment with this little one bedroom, like little tiny apartment. But even then my brother was like, why the, like, why are you just not coming to like my like just, I'll go pick you up. So then my brother like he comes pick me up, he takes me to his house. Like they take me and they're like, oh, if my mom doesn't want you, like, we'll take care of you. So then like my brother and my sister in law, like they have me in their house and, and it's so funny because they're struggling too. Like they're barely take, barely able to like have money for their like little daughter. And like it's them like they're 18 years old. Then you come along and then I come along. It's like, I swear, God. This is the room right here and this is the kitchen right here and the restroom is like right here. So it's like literally one little room with like a studio. Maybe like a little studio. Little studio with like a little tiny kitchen. My mom was like, oh, you can't come back to the house until you get a job. So my sister in law, like the next day she goes and takes me to like, you know where you get free phones from? The government.
- [52:20]
B
The Obamacare? Yes, yes. Uhhuh.
- [52:23]
C
So I went to go get a free phone because I didn't have like a way to like, like if I work, like how was I going to call them to come pick me?
- [52:28]
B
How were you going to pay for your life?
- [52:29]
C
Yeah. So I was like. So I was like, oh, like I need a, I need a phone. So she goes and gets me the free little phone. So then I'm looking for a job and I finally get a job and then like I finally like go back home because I'm like, okay, like I want to have my own room again. Like I want, I want to go back. So I told my mom like, oh yeah, and she's like, okay, like, you could come back. So I go back, going to school, and I'm working at the same time. I'm leaving work at like 10, 11pm at Charlie's in Stonewood.
- [52:55]
B
Okay.
- [52:56]
C
Okay, So I work there.
- [52:57]
B
Is that the sound? Sandwiches?
- [52:58]
C
Yeah. Yes, I love the sandwiches. I would get there from the bus or like skateboarding, because I would have my little skateboard and I would skateboard everywhere. It would be like 10 or 11pm at night and I would have to come. Like, I would have to go home and like, I would tell my mom, like, oh, can you pick me up? I'm scared. Like, I'm 16 years old.
- [53:13]
B
Yeah.
- [53:14]
C
Like, it's late at night. I live in the ghetto and I live far and I live far. Yeah, I literally live far. Like, I live all the way. Paramount. I was working in Downey, but I would tell my mom, like, oh, please come pick me up. And she would be like, no, I'm not going to go pick you up.
- [53:26]
B
Do you feel like after you got your job, you know, and you started living again with your mom, do you feel like.
- [53:33]
C
Oh, no, I still say, like, revel. I started, like, I had more money to do more bad, so I, like, I started doing more bad. I think I calmed down after the mental hospital.
- [53:47]
B
You know, if you feel comfortable about that moment in your life, you know, what led to, led you to having these stark thoughts? Was it the bullying? Was it your home life? And how did you end up at the hospital?
- [53:59]
C
Okay, so I went to the mental hospital twice. But the first time it was mostly the hospital. And then I was at. Then I was at the mental hospital for like a few hours and they took me out. And the first time I went to a mental hospital was because, like, try to take pills to, like, I didn't even want to. Like, I did want to die, but at the same time I didn't. Like, I just wanted my mom. Like, I just wanted to see my mom loved me. Like, if she cared about me, like, if I was to go to a hospital, she would show me up. So then I take these pills, I go to school, and I'm like, well, I don't want nothing bad to happen to me. So I tell the, like, the office, like, I'm like, oh, I took these pills. Like, I don't. I don't feel good. They call the hot, like, the ambulance, they take me to a hospital. And so then I'm there at the hospital for like three days. After the three days, I go to a Mental hospital, the fourth day. But they only have me there for, like, a few hours. See this place? Like, they evaluate me, like, to make sure I'm good, and then I'm able to. Like, I was able to leave with that. No, like, because I had told my mom, like, oh, I want to change schools. Like, yo quiero cambier me de escuela. Like, I don't want to be in that school anymore where, like, I. Like, the girls pick on me. Like, I just got in a fight. Like, I don't want to be there. And, like, I would beg my mom. She'd be like, no. Like, no, I'm not gonna change you. And then when I went, like, when that happened, she's like, okay, like, I'll finally. I'll change you. And then the district finally agreed, too, because we had the.
- [55:06]
B
Like, the medical thing. Yeah.
- [55:07]
C
Yeah. So. Because my mom was like, oh, like, if my daughter kills herself, like, it's your fault. Like, it's your. Like, it's your. Is the district fault because you guys don't want to change her schools. So that's when they're like, okay, like, we'll change her schools. My mom had taken me to a therapist because I was, like, barely, like, suicidal. I was very depressed. I was really careful what I wanted to tell the therapist because they had called child services on us before because I had told them my mom hit me. Like, but it was, like, out of fear. Like, in the school. Like, they had called child services because I was like, oh, no, no. Like, don't call my mom. Like, she's gonna hit me.
- [55:35]
B
Yeah.
- [55:35]
C
So they call child services. They almost took, like, my. Like, they always almost took us away from my mom because of that. So then I go to the therapist, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna be careful what I say. Like, I'm gonna just talk about my feelings. And, like, meant, like, stuff that's mental. Like, because that's not bad. Like.
- [55:48]
B
Like, something that doesn't include your mom.
- [55:50]
C
Or, like, the situation include my mom. But it's not like, she. Like, as long as it's not physical abuse, like, I'll be fine. So then I go into the therapist, and she's like, oh, like, why do you feel this way? Why are you sad? So I start, like, opening up to her, and I'm like, oh, yeah. When my mom tells me this, they mark that as mental abuse. And I'm like, so they call child services, and I'm like, I didn't know that was, like, bad. Like, I Didn't know that my mom. They would call child services for that. Like, I didn't know that was abuse. Like, I thought that was just, like, you're talking about.
- [56:17]
B
You just thought it was, like, a verbal interaction.
- [56:18]
C
Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, fuck. Like, if I would have known that they were going to market as mental abuse, like, I would have never fucking said anything at that moment. I hate a therapist. I was like, I'm never going to speak to a therapist again in my life. Like, they fucking suck. And I hated them. I was like, oh. Like, all they do is make my life worse. Then I go home, and my whole family's pissed because they. They call. They call child services now. So everybody's, like, looking at me like, why the fuck did you say that? Like, why are you making. Like, your mom's over here? Like, she's a single mom, and you're over here making shit worse for her? Like, you don't understand her. Like, she. She. Like, she's struggling so much, and then my mom's crying, and so everybody's making me feel like shit for, like, telling the things to therapist. And I was like, I didn't even mean to do that. Like, I was just, like, trying to talk about my feelings. Like, I feel sad. Like, I was like, I don't even want to be alive. Like, I just want to kill myself. Like, I just want to be dead. So then I say that out loud to everybody, and then I go and lock myself in the restroom. And then, like, I wasn't gonna do anything, though. Like, I had just said, like, I want to kill myself, but I wasn't gonna do anything. Like, I was just wanting. Wanted to, like, relax. So I'm in there for a while, and everybody's like, oh, open the door. Open the door. And I'm just quiet. Like, I don't say anything. So then they call the cops because they think I'm, like, trying to kill myself in there. So then the cops come, and then I finally get out the. The shower. I change and everything, and, like, I'm fine. But since I said, like, I wanted to kill myself and I wanted to die, the cops come and get me. And, like, I'm mad. Like, at this point, I'm really mad because I'm like, why the. Are they, like, get it? They're gonna take me. Why are they gonna take me? Like, I don't want to go anywhere. Anywhere. Like, I want to stay in my room. They're, like, trying to aggressively grab me, and, like. And I was like, stop Grabbing me. Like, what the? Like, what? Like, I. Like, I'm telling you, I was a very angry child at this time in my life. So I was, like, cussing out the police officer because they were being so rough on me. Like, I'm over here, like, going through it, and they're over here being rough on a girl that wants to kill herself. Like, what the. Like, the police are supposed to be there to, like, protect you, not, like, abuse you even more. Like, I feel like that was abuse. Like, why the.
- [58:06]
B
Did you feel like you were going to jail? Like, did you. You were going to the. Like, the mental.
- [58:09]
C
I knew that they were going to take me to the hospital, but, like, the way they did it was so rough. And I was like, if, you know somebody's mentally going through it, why are you going to be more rough with them? Like, why are you going to make worse for them and, like, grab them like. Like that? Like, they. They grabbed me so hard. They put me. Like, if I was a criminal, Like, I was like, what the. Why are you?
- [58:25]
B
Like, I'm just sad, girl.
- [58:27]
C
I just want to kill. Like, why are you treating me like a damn criminal?
- [58:30]
A
I.
- [58:31]
C
Like, I kill somebody.
- [58:32]
A
Oh.
- [58:34]
C
And so they grab me all aggressive and. And they take me in the cop car, and I'm just like, damn. Like, why the.
- [58:42]
A
Did they.
- [58:43]
C
Like, why did they grab me? Like, I'm not. Now I'm even more sad because I had took in a Santa's bar that, like, before they. With, like, my friends and stuff and, like, weed. So they found that in my system. And my mom was like, what the. Like, why are you doing these things? They were like, oh, yeah, this. She's not okay. Like, we're gonna send her to a mental hospital. Like, she already went to a mental hospital before. Like, we're gonna take her after that. They me told. Took me to a mental hospital for a week, and I was. Yeah, I was just there.
- [59:05]
B
How was that? Do you feel like, you know, you're 16 at the time around there, you're getting sent to a mental hospital? What was that like? You know, were you scared going into it? Do you feel like whatever happened there, do you feel like it changed you or almost helped you?
- [59:22]
C
I remember, like, I was even more depressed that they put me in there, and I was so sad. I was like, why would they do this to me? Like, it was just all. Because I was telling my emotions to the therapist and, like, I'm here because of her. Like, I didn't. Like, I was just trying to, like, express Myself, I just wanted somebody to, like, listen to me, and, like, this is what I get for, like, trying to get somebody to listen to me. Like, they told me that I could trust them, and I can't.
- [59:45]
A
Like, now I'm here in this place, and I'm scared. Like, I was so scared. I was like, I want to go home. Like, I want my mom. Like, I don't want to be here.
- [59:55]
B
Did you have contact with your mom or your brother during that?
- [59:58]
C
No.
- [59:58]
A
They. They take your phone away.
- [59:59]
C
They.
- [60:00]
A
They put you in this robe, and then they put you in this cold room, like, where you sleep with somebody else. And, like, every night I was so cold. And, like, I was like, I don't want to be here. I just want to go home. And, like, then you see the other kids, and they felt so bad for the cause. You see kids, like, at the age of, like, five to six also, like.
- [60:17]
C
Want, like, being there because they want to kill themselves. And it's so sad, like, seeing that. And I remember, like, the girls. There was a girl that was in.
- [60:25]
A
There with me, too, and, like, she tried to kill her, so. And, like, she tried to take drugs because her dad had just died. And, like, I was like, oh, my God, that's so sad. And, like, I was just hearing, like, all these other people's stories in there, and it was so sad that they were all in there, but at the same time, I was just scared, and I wanted to go home, and, like, I didn't want to be there. And I would tell my mom, like, please get me out of here. I don't want to be here.
- [60:48]
B
Was it, like, in your mom's power, or was it, like, all up to the hospital?
- [60:52]
C
It was all up to the hospital. Like, they have to evaluate you for you to leave. Like, even, like, she tried to take.
- [60:57]
A
Me out, but she couldn't. Like, and then she was like, oh, maybe this will help you. And I was like, it's not helping me. Like, I'm just scared. Like, I don't want to be here.
- [61:05]
B
I'm sorry you went through that. And thank you so much for being vulnerable. Do you feel like that experience almost made you be, like, you know what? I'm really bad, and I have to prioritize my mental health? Or do you feel like at the time, because you were so young, you didn't really know how to navigate those feelings?
- [61:21]
C
I feel like, yeah, I didn't really know how to, like, navigate my feelings. And, like, I just. All I knew it was that I was, like, really sad. And like, I didn't really feel like living. Like, I really hated, like, I hated myself too at the time. Like, I hated the way I looked. I hated being alive. I hated being with my mom. I hated like everything. Like, nothing really made me happy at the time. That's why I was like smoking weed, like doing these drugs and stuff. Because I just, I wanted to feel something.
- [61:49]
A
Because I felt all I would feel is sadness. I felt like doing stuff. But then also when I would go to these parties and stuff, I was like, oh, well, I'll finally be cool with them. They'll finally like me if I start doing these things with them.
- [62:05]
B
Make you feel like you needed to almost fit in to be liked?
- [62:08]
C
Yeah, I felt like I needed to.
- [62:10]
A
Fit in to be liked.
- [62:10]
C
So I would ditch school a lot. I had to go smoke weed and do all this bad stuff and, and yeah, it was just like, because I just didn't, I didn't feel loved at home. I didn't feel loved at all. Like, Like I don't care if I die. Like, if I die. Like, it, like I, like my life's worthless right now.
- [62:28]
B
Do you feel like during that time you had like a friend, a family member, or someone that you felt that you were able to trust with how you felt, or was it something that you just kind of kept to yourself?
- [62:38]
C
What would be my escape from like, reality was my video games. Like, I, I would have this best friend which shout out to her, her name is Marissa. I'm still really like, well, I haven't really talked to her, but like, I will always, like, if she hit me up right now, I'd be like, hey, how are you? You know, Like, I would reply to her because I will always have love for her. But she was one of the persons that was always there for me to.
- [62:59]
A
Like, listen to me because I felt like I had no one. So I would come home and I would play these video games and what made me feel happy was just playing, playing my video games and escape from everything that I was going through in real life. And I just felt so happy, like, just having friends because it felt like I didn't really have friends in person.
- [63:21]
C
I didn't feel like nobody actually really liked me.
- [63:24]
A
And I felt like everybody low key hated me. So I was like, well, she loves me and she would always be there. She would listen to me and she would tell me her stuff too, and I would listen to her. So we were there for each other and like, she basically like saved me at that time because I would like, literally stay up, like, really late playing.
- [63:44]
C
With her and, like, everything. Like, we would play, like, in the summers. Like, we would play, like, all summer long, you know? And, yeah, she. She basically was the person that was there for me when I was really.
- [63:56]
B
Sad, you know, Is so different, you know, I feel like you're so. I want to say, I feel like even from just your videos, I feel like you're so much more. More confident now than you were before. When do you think that changed for you? When did you started almost prioritizing yourself and being like, you know what? I have to work on myself. I have to heal myself. I need a. When do you feel like your depression started getting better for you?
- [64:22]
C
My confidence will come and go. Like, at the age of 18 and 19, I would. I started, like, journaling more, meditating more. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna learn how to love myself. I'm gonna learn how to be a better person. Like, I could be very shitty sometimes. I, like, maybe I'm not a good friend. Maybe people leave my life because, like, I do probably, like, I'm not good to them because, like, I'm not even good to myself. Like, how can I be good to others if I'm not even good to myself? So at the age of 18, that's when I was like, oh, I don't want people to leave me anymore. Like, I'm tired of, like, people leaving me. Like, and it's probably my fault. Like, I like to blame them, but what if it's me? So I started instead of, like, thinking of, like, what people did to me, I started thinking, like, oh, what did I do to them? Like, what can I do to, like, fix that? And what could I do to make it, like, do better next time my, like, friends come around and, like, how to be a better person, to be a better person? Because I probably was a shitty person. Like, I had so much anger in me, you know? And at the time, like, you don't realize what you're doing to hurt people, but, like, like I said, hurt people hurt people. So I was probably hurting a lot of people around me, and I was probably not being the best, like, friend to other people. Even to my little sister. Like, I was really mean to her. And I feel like a lot of my anger came because, like, my brother was mean to me growing up, and my mom was mean to me growing up, up. And so then I was, like, mean to my little sister. Like, I would be like, she had a different dad, and I'd be like, oh, you're waiting for your dad. Like, don't wait for him. Like, he doesn't even love you. Like, you think that he's gonna come back for you. Like, he's not. And, like, I would just be really mean to him.
- [65:41]
B
But you would project how you felt onto her. Yeah.
- [65:44]
C
Oh, and you don't even look like us. Like, you're adopted. Like, and I would just, like, say really hurtful things to her. And I didn't realize how up it was TILL I was 18. And I was like, damn, like, my sister's gonna grow up, like, hating me. Like, I'm a fucking bitch. Like, I am so fucking mean to her. And I was like, I don't want to be mean to her. Like, I want to love her. Like, I want to show her what love is. Like, because, like, I grew up with my mom being so fucking mean and spiteful to me. So I was like, I don't want to do that to her. Like, I don't want to keep on hurt, like a hurt person hurting people. So I was like, okay, I'mma. I'm gonna start reading books. I'm gonna start meditating. I'm gonna start journaling how I feel, and, like, I'm gonna fix myself. So after that, like, I started being nicer to my little sister. And, like, to this day, like, I try to, like, be. Like, I try to be the best for my little sister. Like, I love my little sister to death. And, like, I had taken my little sister, my mom, in to, like, live with me because I wanted my little sister to be closer to me and, like, grow up with me. So, yeah, like, at the age of 18 or 19, that I had them both live with me. And I've been taking care of them ever since. Like, right now, she's under my brother's care, but, like, for a while, she was under my and my mom's care. But it was like she. She felt like I was her more of her mom than my mom was. Because, like, even now, like, she'll be like, oh, like, perlita, can I get this? Can I get that? And I'll be like. And then I'll be like, no or yes. Like, she'll ask me first and, like. Or she gets in trouble, like, they'll come and tell me, like, oh, she's not behaving good. Like, talk to her.
- [67:01]
B
I love that, though. And I feel like that's a part of being human. You knew that, you know, the way you were showing her love was not the way that you should be Showing her love. You know, like you said, you were almost projecting what you knew and I was almost repeating, repeating the same cycle that you grew up with. Like, I need to change, not just for myself, but for the people around.
- [67:25]
C
Me, you know, Because I was hurting a lot of people around me, like, and I didn't realize it, and I was like, like, even now, like, I feel like I still do it, like, to my brother. Like, sometimes I'll give him, like, really nasty attitude and I'll be like, damn. Like, I shouldn't give him attitude. Like, no, like, I'm hurting him. And like. Like, I'll say some hurtful stuff and then I'll be like, damn. Like, I need to, like, get meaning. Yeah, I didn't mean it. Like, I was just frustrated and, like, I'll take my anger out and then I'll like. But I always, like, apologize. Like, me. Something about me is like, I'll take accountability for my shitty actions and I'll try to do better, but because sometimes, like, I am only human. Like, I can't be perfect all the time. Like, nobody can, you know? But I will try my best to, like, do better and be better. And I'll be like, hey, like, if I am being mean to you, please tell me, like, I will fix that because I don't want to continue to be this mean person, you know?
- [68:09]
B
Do you feel like it as an adult? Have you tried therapy? Because you said that, you know, when you were young, you hated therapy. Do you feel like your mindset has changed now?
- [68:17]
C
No. So I still really hate therapy because they give me, like, trauma. Like, I'm like, like, y' all low key snitches. Like, y' all can be trusted. So I just like, I. I still go back to, like, my meditating stuff, my journaling, which I should probably still do more often, often, because, like, when I stop, that's when I, like, I get. I get more sad. Like, because, like, even this year I went through so much. So I feel like a lot of, like, stuff, like, I didn't talk to anybody. So a lot of that built up to anger. And so that anger, like, I was, like, taking it out on the people that love me. And I was like, like, I'm really sad right now. I need to, like, go and journal and, like, meditate more. Because, like, I'm hurting people that I love me. And I'm like, they don't deserve that. So.
- [68:55]
B
But I feel like, you know, obviously says, you know, oh, therapy, so important. Everyone should do therapy. I'm very Much like, I'm all for therapy. I'm very much like you. Like, I like to learn about myself and people through even like, TikTok fucking quotes. Like, you see TikTok quotes of like, you know, hurt people. Hurt people. Or like, you see like, tiktoks of people talking. You're like, wow, that makes so much sense. I'm very much like, I'll read a book and I'll be like, wow, that's exactly how I feel. This is a help. What. What are those called? Self help books.
- [69:24]
C
Yeah, they are really good and they really do teach you about a lot, like about yourself and about a lot of people and how they, like, how they work and like, because sometimes you'll only see one perspective. But those books really will help you put yourself in all the perspective. It's not just your mind, everybody's perspective. So I will a lot of times be like, damn. Like I was. I'll put myself in their perspective. I'll be like, damn, yeah, that was pretty shitty of me to do. Damn. Yeah, Like, I would be pretty sad if this happened. Like, you know, and then that. But those I wouldn't learn that. I wouldn't know that information if I didn't read these books. And then I'll go on YouTube to. And I'll read like, I'll like, like when I'm like on the treadmill or something like out here, like, oh, there's like, things about things that apply to your life.
- [70:02]
B
Yeah, I feel like that is one thing. If you guys are watching at home and, you know, even though therapy is always getting blasted in our faces, which, if you want to do it, try it, but if it's something that isn't for you, I really would advise, you know, books, podcasts about, you know, self love, podcasts about journaling, anything that will really help you learn about yourself. I feel like, you know, we really can, you know, learn a lot of things on ourselves and we don't always have to have a therapist, you know, to tell us how we should feel like, or to like, try to be better. That's all that matters. You know, what piece of advice can you give anyone watching at home right now that has felt the way you felt or has gone through anything similar that you've just talked about.
- [70:47]
C
I feel like the advice I could give you guys is if you feel like you're not being the best version of yourself or you're hurting people, or you're constantly losing people, stop trying to victimize yourself and be like, hey, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I should fix myself. Start reading books about self care, start meditating, start journaling, start saying things you could do better. Instead of being like, oh, it's because that person that no start being like, what did I do to make that person react the way they did? And what can I do better to. To, like, avoid that in the future? Like, try to just, like, it's just like, not have that victim mentality. Because I feel like that victim mentality ruins a lot of friendships, relationships. It just like. And also get rid of the ego, the pride. Be okay with saying sorry to people. Be okay with taking accountability, because accountability is very important. So I feel like, yeah, and then reading the books will help. Also, listening to motivational speeches on YouTube or like, TikTok, like, will help you too. Like, if you have a shitty, like, mindset, like, reading books and listening to positive things will go a long way.
- [71:49]
B
Quiero platicar un poquito mas, you know, the twistoria, you know, at 18. Hablamos de que elos dic estu mama corre de su casa a losicio paso traves. You know, your mom kicked you out when you were 18 about this time. What happened that led to you getting kicked out? And what was it like, you know, now being 18 on your own, being kicked out?
- [72:09]
C
Okay, so at the age of 18, my mom gave me two options. She said, said, you either pay $500 to live on my house or you get out. And I was like, well, like, I barely make a thousand a month. Girl, you make 500, that's half my paycheck. 400 is a lot. So then my cousin had offered me, like, you could come live over here with us for like, $300. So I was like, I'll take the 300 instead of the 500 because the 500 is a lot. Like, I can't. I can't afford that right now. So I go to my cousin's house, but my cousin was like, oh, yeah, yeah, you could sleep in my room. But in her room, like, it's her and her boyfriend. They only have one bed. So they're like, oh, yeah, you could just buy a couch. So I buy a couch. And then so I'm like, living. So, yeah, like, literally, like, I'm living on the couch for 300 with my. My cousin, her boyfriend, and like, you know, they need their privacy.
- [72:58]
B
But, like, how was that? Was that awkward?
- [73:00]
C
That was a little bit awkward, yeah.
- [73:01]
B
Because I feel like, especially as girls, you guys want your privacy.
- [73:03]
C
Yeah. So it was a little bit awkward. But, you know, like, she was just trying to, like, help me, like, have a place and, like, to not, like, be struggling, you know, like, with my mom. So she, you know, at the end of the day, she was trying to help me out. So I'm very appreciative. Even if it's with her and her boyfriend, I'm still very grateful. Like, shit's better than paying 500. I barely make any money. So she helps me get a job at her place because I didn't want to work at the place like I was working at anymore. I was working at this little Mexican restaurant. So then she. She was like, oh, like, come work at my place. So I go and work at this place, it's called, called the Pon Cusadine, and I start working as a dishwasher. So I'm here working as a dishwasher, like, barely making, like a thousand, like, probably like 12, 1400amonth. Every day, I'm waking up at like, 5 or 6 in the morning, taking the bus, then the train, because I. I went. I was in Southgate, and from Southgate, I went all the way to Manhattan Beach. Every day, every day. Waking up really early just to make. To get the. On the bus on time, and then the train and then another bus. Sometimes have to walk home because I would miss. Missed the bus because it'd be too late, and then I wouldn't have money for the Uber. Someday, like, when I got paid, I did have. I'm like, oh, today I could take a Uber. I got a little money today. But yeah, so every day, like, I was just living that same exact life. And, like, I was like, damn. Like, is this all my life is gonna amount to? Like, I don't even have time to go to school or anything or, like, to focus on anything else. Like, I want to be a streamer. I want to do my gaming stuff. Like, I can't even do that. Like, I would come home, like, now just play my video games. I'm like, damn. Like, I wish I could stream this, but I didn't have the equipment for it. So I'm like, damn. Like, okay. And then I started looking on YouTube and I, like, I was like. I was looking at strippers. I was like, like. Like, they're making so much money, and, like, they don't care about what other people say. Like, they're not struggling, and, like, they get to, like, buy their cars and they get to, like, live in, like, a bigger place. Like, I'm living on the couch right now. Like, I just want to be able to afford my stuff. Like, I want to be able to. To do more than my life. Like, I'm like, to. I want was so poor. I was like, damn. Like, I couldn't even afford a bag of chips sometimes. I was like. So then I was like, okay, well, I was like, who cares? Who cares if people talk? Like, I, I want to be a stripper. Like, I want to make money. So then I tell my cousin, I'm like, oh, like, you think you could, like, help me with this? Like, I don't, like, I don't want to work at this job anymore. Like, I, I'm getting paid so shitty and like, my life's going in nowhere. Like, I can't even, I can't even save up. Like, what the am I gonna save up with this?
- [75:23]
B
Like, were just working to pay the rent.
- [75:25]
C
Literally. Yeah. So I was like, what? Like, I was like, what? Like, I was like, I'm never gonna get nowhere just working this normal ass job. I started looking into videos of like, of like stripping and I look at like the story time and I'm on. I'm invested. Like, you know when you go on YouTube and you're like invested for hours, like just looking at something and I was like, just invested. And I was like, okay with the last paycheck that I got because I like, I got fired. I got like three, three write ups, whatever. And then I was like, oh, well, I was planning on quitting anyway, so it's okay. With my last paycheck that I got, I was like, oh, can you help me? Me? Like, can you go take me to buy a pole so I could practice at home? So she no, no, this was before. No, actually this was. This was before the audition because I auditioned, but I hadn't bought the pole yet. I was like, okay, take me to a shop where I could get like stripper clothes, stripper heels and stuff. So I buy like stripper bikinis, stripper heels, and I buy this whip. I like, I buy this pink wig because I'm thinking like, oh, if I put on a wig, nobody's gonna know who I am. Like, I'm, you know, I thought I was on some Hannah Montana. I was like, oh, well. But you know, like, no, like, so I'm over here. Look, let me show you how stupid I look. First of all, let me put the picture. Please do. This is how the I pulled out.
- [76:28]
B
Let me see. This is how the I Party city wiggy. It's not that bad though. You look cute. You look cute.
- [76:36]
C
I Go audition. Mind you, this is my first time walking in big ass heels. Like, I'm never. And like, I thought, like, it was going to be easy. Like, I was like, oh, okay. Like, you have to dance for like six minutes straight. I did. I didn't know how much energy you need to dance for six minutes straight. So I'm over here. And also you got. You have to get fully nude. Like, at the first song, you have to take off your top. The second song, you have to take off your bottoms. So I'm over here fucking dancing and there's like two customers. Because you, you audition, like, first. You audition on a week, during the week when there's like, nobody. I think it was like a Monday night and there's two customers right there. Like an old man and, like, guy that's like in his 30, 40. So then I'm over here, like, trying to dance. I'm tired. By the second minute, I was like, oh, like.
- [77:17]
B
Like, this is harder. Yeah.
- [77:19]
C
Like, do I have to go back to washing dishes? Maybe the stripper line is not for me. So then, like, at the second, the second minute when I'm tired, I fall on my ass. And, like, I had already taken off my top. So I'm over here, like, topless, falling on my ass. I'm like. So then, like, I just brush it off. I get up because I'm like, well. And the girls are watching. Like, the super girls are watching. You could hear.
- [77:38]
B
Not pros.
- [77:39]
C
Yeah. And you could hear them like, like you could hear him laughing. I'm like, like, they're making fun of me. So then I stand up and I try to keep on dancing. And then, like, I take off my bottom scene again. Boom. I fall to my. So now I'm fully naked in front of this old man. And I remember he tipped me like, $9. He was like, he's like. And then I, I get up.
- [77:59]
B
I feel bad for you.
- [78:00]
C
And then. So I, I take the $9 and then I, I go to the, the manager. Manager. And he was like, oh, when you come back another time. And I was like, okay. So then the next day I told my cousin, I'm like, I need to get a pole. Like, I need to learn how to use the pole. Like, I don't know how.
- [78:18]
B
Yeah.
- [78:18]
C
And I was like, well, I can't. Like, I'm not gonna go back to the, like a working, normal job. Like, I already did the. I'm like, well, I'm like, this is the only option for me right now, you know, Like, I'M gonna make it happen. So then she. She holds and takes me to get a pull pool. So I get a pool, and then, like, I'm practicing, and then I'm like, okay. I feel like I got this. So then the next day, I, like, I called the stripper club. I'm like, oh, can I go audition? They're like, yeah, I walk in again with the pink wig. Again with the pink wig. But the manager, he like, so I. I, like, dance really quick. Whatever I did, like, I was able to do it because I was slower this time. And then he was like, yeah, you're hired. He was like. And I was like, really? He was like, yeah, you have a pretty face. You good? And I was like, what? And I. Because I still dance, like. But he was like. He's like, oh, yeah. As long as you have a pretty face, pretty body, you could work here. I don't care. So the, like, the other. The other place, like, I actually wanted you to, like, know how to dance, but that place, like, didn't care.
- [79:11]
B
They're like, you're more lenient.
- [79:12]
C
Yeah. They're like, as long as you look pretty, you have a pretty face, like, you're good. So then I. That from day, and that day I made 280. I was like, that's good, though.
- [79:20]
B
For how many hours was that? Like, maybe like, a night shift?
- [79:23]
C
Yeah, it was like a night shift. I think it was four or five hours. And I was like. I was like, what? I was like, oh, I'm rich.
- [79:31]
B
What's the most you ever made stripping? If you don't mind sharing.
- [79:34]
C
The most I made on one night was probably like, 5 to 6K.
- [79:41]
B
That's crazy. Were you, like, shook when you made that much? How did that even happen? Was it like, muo customers or.
- [79:47]
C
No, no, no. So the day I made the most money was. Okay, well, there was other times where I made, like, 3 to 4K, but this specific time where I made, like, 5 to 6K, it was because this guy had came in and, like, when you talk to these guys, like, they took. Like, he was telling me like, oh, like, tell me about, like, your. Your backstory, everything. So I started, like, using him as my therapist, and I'm, like, telling him, like, my whole life story. I'm like, yeah. And he's like, oh. Like, why are you here? And I'm like, oh. It was because, like, I want to save up money to become a professional gamer. Like, I've been playing video games since I was little. Like, I really just want to like, make enough money, like once I make enough money to like buy my equipment, like, I'm gonna get out of here, like, and I'm start doing my streaming stuff. Like, I'm just waiting to like save up money. And he was like, how much money do you need? He's like, I, he's like, I actually donate to streamers. And I was like, what? Really? He's like, yeah. Like I, I like to like on Twitch. Like, if you go on Twitch, like there's people that just donate like subs. Yeah, they donate a ton of money just to donate. And he was like oh. Like how much? So he gave me five, like five to six. I forgot how much it was. It was like probably 5 to 6K. He was like, go buy your equipment, duh. So. And then he didn't even ask me for a lap dance or anything. I was like, what?
- [80:53]
B
Like, are you sure you don't.
- [80:54]
C
I was like, give you two lap. Throw it back for real girl, for 6K. But like, no, he didn't want like no lap dance or anything. Like he genuinely just wanted to help me. And I was like, oh my God. So like then the next day I go buy my equipment and everything and like I, I start off my streaming stuff and I was like, okay, I'm, I was like, I'm going to be a professional gamer now. Like, and then that's where my journey starts of me. Like my, my professional game. Like I used to. Like, I love playing Fortnite. Yeah, I, I recently stopped playing that much. But like I, I tried so hard to get good at the game, but that's for another time. Like, anyways, I'm like trying to quit stripping because it generally made me very depressed. Like I was getting sexually harassed every night. Like, you have to get fully nude at this club. It's an 18 over club, so you have to get fully nude and you have to give these guys lap dances and even if they're not allowed to touch you, they'll still touch you. So I was like still, like, they were still like touching me in places they were not supposed to and all I could do was just get up and walk away. Like that was it. So I was like crying every single night, like, and I would, I would like when I was on my way home like from the car, like, I remember like crying to God, like, oh, like I would like crying like really, really hard. And I'd be like, God, like please, like take me out of here. Like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like, give Me new opportunities. Like, I, I'll do anything to stop. Like I want to kill myself right now. Like, I don't, like, like I don't like this. Like, I feel so sad. Like I don't enjoy this lifestyle. Like, I just want to do my video game stuff. Like, yeah, and I would just cry. Like, I would go home crying every single night. I told my mom, like, oh please, like, let me stay at your house for free without paying any rent. Like, let me just live here for free while I like, build up my, my social medias. Like, I'm gonna do so good, mom. Like, please, like, just believe in me. Like I know I could make it. Like, I'm gonna be a professional gamer. Like, I'm, I'm gonna do so good. Like I'm gonna be the biggest streamer ever. And I was like, I just need, like, time. I, I just, I just need to like, put all my time and effort into it. But I can't be a stripper because it takes up my time. Like, and I was like, I can't, I won't be able to pay you rent, but like, if you let me live here for free, like, eventually I'll be able to pay you rent again. And she was like, no, you're either going to like pay me rent or you're going to get the fuck out of here. And like, that, like, crushed me because I was like, damn. Like, you don't, like, you don't believe in, you don't believe in me. Yeah. So I was like, well, I don't want to be a stripper. Like, I. And I was like, so you only want me here if you can make money from me? But, but like, because she wanted me to go to school, but I was like, no. Like, why can't you just support me doing this? Like, I want to be my, like I want to be a gamer. Like, I want to do social media, like, schooling. Like, I don't like it. Like, I'm not gonna get anything out of it because I'm gonna go and I'm not gonna do anything. I'm gonna just waste my time working. Like I have no passion there. Like, since I was little, like, I always wanted to do like social media acting. Like I wanted to do like something with social media. Like that's, that's what I knew I was, I wanted to do. So I, I'm like telling my mom, like, please, like, like here for free. And then like she cussed me out and like we got in a big ass fight. Like, okay, so I had locked my room. And then, like, I'm paying first. I was. I had still was paying rent in her house, but she had a. A key to my room. And she goes and unlocks it when I tell her, like, oh, I don't want you to come in my room. So she goes and unlocks it, and then she starts fighting with me, and we start screaming at each other, and then, like, she's. She's trying to hit me, and then I'm like, what the fuck? Why are you trying. Like, I'm grown. Like, you're not gonna hit me. So then I start fighting back. And there was incidents where me and my mom did fight. Like, I. Like, I did, like, eventually, like, retaliated, and that was one of the times where I was retaliating, but I was, like, just trying to, like, hold her. Like, hold her back. But then I ended up pulling her hair, and she was pulling my hair. Then my uncle comes, and he thinks, like, I'm the one that started it. And then, like, my uncle had never put his hands on me before this. But then, like, my mom's crying, like, playing victim, like, if I'm the one that. You know, when. When you, like, defend yourself. And they're like, my mom over here, like, acting like I'm the one that. Like, the evil one. So my uncle comes and he starts choking me out, and I'm like. And then I. Like, that breaks my heart because I'm like, damn. Like, you were like, you. Like, I used to love my uncle so much because he was always there for us since we were little. And, like, he would always help my mom with everything, too. And, like, I had so much love for him up until this day because I was like, wow. Like, my mom was the one that harassed me. You didn't even know what was going on. And you, like, you took her side right away, and then you started choking me out. So I was, like, really hurt that day. And I remember I just grabbed all my shit and I left. Left. Like, I didn't. Like, I was like, oh, you know what? Like, I will leave. Like, I'm gonna take all my stuff, and I'm not gonna come back. So I grabbed all my stuff, I put it in my car, and then, like, I'm like, damn. Like, where am I gonna go? Like, I don't know where to go. So I text my friend at the time, and I'm like, oh. Like, do you think I could stay at your place for tonight? My friend lived with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend was a Little bit weird. So. But like, my friend was a good friend. Like, she just wanted to, like, help me out. But the, the guy was definitely a little bit weird. Like, he had hit me up in my DMs before. Like, and I didn't feel comfortable being there, so I was like, oh. Like, so in the morning, like, when I woke up, I, like, I just left. I was like, okay, like, I'm gonna leave. Thank you so much for everything. So I grab on, I grab my stuff, and I did. And then I go shower at the gym because like I said, I go to work. So then I pull up to the strip club with all my stuff in the car.
- [85:50]
B
Like, girl, you're not moving in here, are you?
- [85:52]
C
Literally, I was thinking of like, just like sleeping in my car. I was like, it. Like, I'm just sleeping in my car. Like, tonight after work, I go to work. But, like, when I'm at work, I'm over here crying to my manager. By the way, shout out to my manager of that club. Like, he was like a dad figure. Like, he was so sweet. Never, like, was weird. Never like, say approved or like, was like, you know, like, he was never weird. Never gave me weird vibes. Like, he gave me straight dad vibes. And like, he was there listening to me. He was like, oh, like, you could stay at my house. And I was, was like, I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, like, I. I'll. I'll stay at your house. And then my, my, like the other stripper girl, I met her as a stripper and she turned into my friend, which he was like, really? One. One of my closest friends. So then she was like, oh, like, no, like, don't stay at his house. Like, you could come to my house. Cuz obviously, like, a girl's gonna feel more comfortable comfortable at another girl's house. So I was like, okay, yeah, I was like, I'll stay at.
- [86:39]
B
Like, that's a better offer.
- [86:40]
C
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh. And I was like, oh, I could just like, leave my stuff at your, like, at my manager's house and like, I'll just like, bring on a few things and then once I get an apartment, like, I'll get all my stuff. So then I. I take like, some of my stuff to my manager's house and then I stay at my friend's house. And like, to repay her for like, letting me stay there, I. I told her I was like, oh, in two weeks I'm gonna get an apartment. In two weeks I'm gonna get an apartment. I promise you, like, I won't stay here for longer than that. And she's like, no, girl. Like, stay with it however many you want to. I was like, no, two. Like, just give me two weeks and, like, I'll look for a place and I'm gonna save up as much. Like, I'm gonna try to make as much money as I can show those two weeks. Like, I made sure to, like, for me to repay her. Like, I was paying for all her meals, like, everything, like, her gas. Like, I was trying to repay her as much as I can. Because, like, if you're doing something nice for me, like, I'm gonna try to, like, help you out as much as I can right back, you know? Like, I'm not. I'm not the type to just like, like, take, take and never give, you know? So I was like, okay, I'm gonna do my. My due diligence. Like, I'm gonna give back. So that happened. I was going to work from, like, 2pm from when they open till they close.
- [87:43]
B
What was a typical day at work, like, for a strip club? Like, up until what time?
- [87:49]
C
Usually you don't go that. Like, 2pm is day shift. So you could either go day shift or night shift. Me, I. I needed more money, so I was like, okay, I'm gonna go double shift. Like, I'm like. Because sometimes, like, it would be a week where I make no money, you know, because, like, there's.
- [88:02]
B
I pay you hourly there.
- [88:03]
C
No. Oh, they don't pay you hourly. Like, if you go and you try to make money and then you, at the end of the night have to pay them, like, a percentage of your.
- [88:11]
B
Money, like, for letting you strip there.
- [88:12]
C
You pay a percentage for letting you strip there. And then you pay them a percentage of all the money you make. So I think it's like, 80, 20. So you get 80, I get 80%. They get 20% of everything that I make. So every dance that I make, they. They take a percentage.
- [88:25]
B
And you couldn't even hide some. Like, when you got those $6,000, you're like, I'm just gonna say you got two.
- [88:30]
C
You could keep it if it's tipped.
- [88:33]
B
Okay, okay, okay.
- [88:34]
C
But, like, if the bouncer see, like, they're gonna be like, oh, like, you know, tip.
- [88:40]
B
That's crazy. So you would get there at 2 to your double shift, and then you would start stripping from 2 to, like.
- [88:46]
C
12, 2pm to like, 6 in the morning, just dancing. Well, obviously, like, I would, like, fall asleep in the little room sometimes, like, for Like, a couple hours. Like, I probably wasn't dancing. Like, yeah, the whole, like, hours there. Like, I would, like, get my breaks and, like, because you could eat whenever, you could, like, take a break whenever. Like, nothing. Handle, like, 24 hours, you know?
- [89:05]
B
What was it like with the girls in the locker room? Do you feel like it felt like a sisterhood? Or it felt like competition between the girls? Because, like, oh, esta tiene munchos clientes moscas. Like, what was it like? Was it. Was there jealousy there?
- [89:17]
C
There was jealousy there. And. But there's also some girls that were really cool and that, you know, try to help you out. Like, they see the younger girls and they're like, hey, like, this is my advice to you. Like, so there is some sisterhood and then some jealousy. Like, a little bit of everything. And then some girls that, like, just don't talk to anybody. Like, they're just about their money. They go there, make their money, leave. Like, they don't even try to make friendships. Because, like, the saying, like, oh, nobody's your friend at work. Like, you know, like, nobody's your friend at the strip club, whatever. But, like, me, like, I like to make friends. Like, I'm very friendly. Like, and when I would see a new girl come in, like, I would take her under my wing, and I'd be like, oh, like, hi. And, like. And I would, like, try, you know, I would make the friendship with them, and I'd be like, cool, like, I'm here for you.
- [89:58]
B
This is how you do it.
- [90:02]
C
Because I know how scared I was when I started it. So then I would take that in mind. I'm like, okay. Like, when I see a new girl come in, like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna, like, take them under my wing, and I'm gonna be there for them. But, like, it did come with a lot of, like. Like, stuff. Like, I did, like, heard a lot from friendships in there, and I learned my lesson. But at the end of the day, like, I did meet cool people there, you know, and one of them was my manager. So shout out to him. His name is Raul, and he was really, really.
- [90:27]
B
Shout out to Raul. You guys, how was it, like, you know, in terms of telling people what you were doing? You know, do you feel like people. When you would tell them, like, whether it was friends or family, would they ever judge you? Make you feel like, what was that? Like, whenever you'd open up to maybe a friend, a family member of what you were doing?
- [90:46]
C
My family, thankfully, they never judged me. They were Always very open minded about it. I'm pretty sure, like some of my family members probably like judged me a little bit for it. I remember my mom was like, oh, like sanaa blando ta da d. And they'll probably talk to my mom.
- [90:59]
B
Did you care at the time?
- [91:00]
C
No, I was like, I. I was like, they can talk all they want. Like, I'd rather do. Like, I rather them talk than me. Them not talk. And I'm me over here washing dishes. At least I'm able to afford having my own apartment now. Okay, so after the two weeks, I finally would. Like exactly the two weeks. After two weeks, I got my apartment. Like, I believe a lot in manifestation. And I feel like a lot of the stuff that I have in my life or did was because of manifestation Station. So yeah, and I was like, in two weeks. I was like, just give me two weeks. I'm gonna get an apartment. Just in two weeks I did get an apartment.
- [91:29]
B
That's all you needed, two weeks?
- [91:30]
C
Yeah. And my rent was like 1800. But even that, like, I would, I would struggle sometimes.
- [91:35]
B
Why?
- [91:35]
C
Because I couldn't. Like, there would be a week or two where I would make no money from stripping. Like, I couldn't like, like going up to guys because I hated them. Like, I hated getting sexually harassed. So I sometimes would like force myself to go to work, but I would just be there, like sitting there like.
- [91:49]
B
You'Re all just in the back, girl.
- [91:51]
A
Go to work.
- [91:51]
B
You're like, no, I'm just here to chill.
- [91:53]
C
I'm like, maybe I can make money on stage. Because. Okay, so when I was. Before I was a stripper, I thought you made most of your money on stage. Yeah, but that's not the case. You don't make most of your money on stage. I mean, maybe Saturdays and Sundays, but you're never gonna make like 2 to 3k just being on stage. Unless you're working at a 21 and over club or something. Or you're working, you know, you're working at Crazy Girls or something or in.
- [92:15]
B
Vegas or somewhere where it's very popular. Yeah. Is it like the lap dances that make you the.
- [92:19]
C
The most money is the lap dances. So there are different prices everywhere. But where I worked at, it was like one song for like $60, three songs for like 95 songs for like 1 120. 10 songs for like 500.
- [92:34]
B
Girly. How do you dance them back to back to back?
- [92:36]
C
No, so the dancing was like in a private. Like, it's not. Yeah, I've been to a strip club.
- [92:40]
B
Before, I was just kind of telling.
- [92:41]
C
You it was like, kind of private, but not too private. Like, if they could still, like, it's.
- [92:44]
B
Like a little cubby.
- [92:46]
C
Like, you could still see everything that's going inside the, like the little dance club, you know? So, yeah, that. That's how you make your money. Like, but first, you can't just go to a guy like, oh, you want to. You want a lab dance? Because not everybody's gonna be like, oh, yeah. Some guys will be like, oh yeah, it. But some guys, like, the rich ones, you have to like, really just like, talk to them. They have to get to know your personality. Like, they have to want to spend that money to you. Like, they have to like who you are as a person in order for. To get them to like, spend that much. So you have to like, sit there and like, talk to them for hella hours. I'm like, oh, like, was that draining for you emotionally? Yeah, it was. It was really draining, like, having to talk to him for hours. I'm like, can you just cash at me right now? Literally, I'm like, can you just get a dance already? I'm tired of talking to you. But like, sometimes, like, if they took too long to like, too long to like, get a lap d, I'm like, all right, I'm going to just walk away. So then I would. But sometimes, like, no sa. Because I'm like, okay, if I. If I just keep on talking to him, maybe he'll like, get the like 601 or the 901. So I'm like, if I put more time into it, because sometimes that's how it works. Like, if you put more time into it, they'll be like, oh, yeah, I'll pay. Like, I'll spend more money on you. So sometimes I'll spend like an hour or two on them and like, nah.
- [93:50]
B
Like, I know you wasted my time.
- [93:52]
C
I'm like, oh, my fucking God. I'm like. So that would, like, also make me not want to, like, go up to people sometimes because I'm like, oh, like, they're a waste of my time. They're going to waste my time. Then some weeks I wouldn't make no money. And like, I was also streaming at the same time as being a stripper. So I was trying to do my streaming stuff and, and like stripping at the same time. And I would, like, come home at 6 in the morning. I start up my stream at 6.
- [94:15]
B
In the morning, and you have people like, on at that time.
- [94:19]
C
I had like 10 or 20 viewers. But, like, it was till 10. It was still 10 to 20 viewers. You know, me and them were getting lit at like 10 in the morning. Like, shout out to those 10 to 20 people that were watching me at 6 in the morning. They were. They're real ones, for real. And it was so, like, it was so funny. Like, they were so sweet. Like, I would even make a little bit money there. Like, But I remember one time, like, I was really struggling, struggling with like, month, like, I couldn't pay my rent. They're like, oh, you have three days to pay it if now you're gonna get evicted. And I think I had gotten to the last day and I was like, like, I still don't have the money. Like, I'm gonna get evicted. Like, I'm so scared because, like, I wasn't making any money at the strip club because, like, yes, I was depressed. Like, I was really skinny too. Like, I was eating like, copamaru chance. Like, I was kind of like, I was making more money than I was before, but, like, I was still struggling because, like, I mean, they don't pay you hourly. So I was like, like, I really want to, like, pay. So then I call my brother. I'm like, hey, like, do you think you could send me this money? Mind you, my brother's struggling too. Like, he's like, he has a kid family. They have a little family. Like, they have their own struggles. Like, he barely is making any money himself. So then I'm like, I call him and I'm like, oh, like, do you think you could send me, like. And I never asked him for money because, like, I knew they had their own struggle. So me, like, I never, like, to, like, call them to, like, help for anything because I knew they had their own struggles. So I was like, the last thing I want is for them to. To, like, worry about me or you.
- [95:36]
B
Didn'T want to feel like, a burden.
- [95:37]
C
Yeah, like, and then because I knew if I asked them for help, they would have done it. Like, they're the type to, like, my brother and my step. My. My sister in law are the type to, like, if they see I'm struggling, they'll take me in no matter what. Like, they will make sure I'm good. If I told them I wanted to live with them, like, they would have had me living with them.
- [95:54]
B
Like, they were gonna make it happen. But it was like, But I just.
- [95:57]
C
Didn'T want, like, them to, like, have another, like, person to worry about, you know, because they, like, they started such a young Age, like they didn't even get. They were children taking care of children, children. So I'm like, I just don't want to burden them with that. I told my brother, I was like, oh, I'll send you the money in a few days. So then I like, I feel bad that I took the money from him. So I'm like, like he's probably struggling too. Like I need to find a way to like pay him right away. So I go on stream and I'm like, guys, like please like help me. Like I would never do this but like I'm really struggling right now. Can you guys like please help me? And then I start bawling my eyes off because I'm so frustrated that I'm not making any money. And like they, they start donating all the money and I'm like. And they were so sweet. Like my community was so sweet. Like they helped me me out, like shout out to all my like the people that helped me out that day. And like they've helped me out multiple times. Like my streamer, like my streaming stuff. My streaming community also helped me out a lot. Like throughout my years, like when I had like 10, 20 viewers, like shout out to all those 1020 people. Like you guys really got me through a hard time. Like I remember when I was sad, like they were basically my therapy. Like I would. Since I had like a little bit of viewers, I was like, oh well.
- [96:58]
B
To open up to these.
- [97:00]
C
So I was like opening up to them and like they were there for, for me and they're like, oh, they raised me up the money within an hour. So it was 1800 that I needed.
- [97:07]
B
So Damn, in an hour?
- [97:08]
C
Yeah. So in an hour my twitch community helped me get 1800. Eighteen hundred dollars. So then I call my brother and I'm like, hey, I send you the money back. And like I said, I like quickly send the money back to him because I felt so bad because I was like, damn, like what if like he needed it? Yeah, I was like, like you know, and so I was like, you know, I'm just, I want it. Like me, I'm the type, like if you let me borrow money, like I'm a fair out a way to pay you back right away. Because I felt, I feel bad for even asking like I don't even like to ask people for money cuz I'm like no, like even if I'm struggling, I'm gonna figure that out. I send it back to him like an hour later and he's like, what.
- [97:40]
B
The you're like, like, what are you doing? Sending it back.
- [97:43]
C
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [97:44]
B
How was it, like, when you left the strip club? Like, what led you to finally being like, you know what? I don't like being at the strip club. I feel harassed. I don't like being around. And how did you get out?
- [97:53]
C
There is this girl that I met at the strip club. She's like, oh, like, you should start an only fan fans. Like, it's basically stripping, but you don't have to get naked or anything. And you don't have to have guys harassing you. And I was like, what? I was like, I was like, oh, but I've heard of only finds. Don't you have to get naked and do porn and stuff? What? Who told you that? I was like, that's what I heard. Like, that's what it's known for. No. And she was like, what the. No. Like, you could literally make money from just lingerie pics and stuff. And I was like, really?
- [98:15]
B
She's like, girl, over here, I'm popping my.
- [98:17]
C
Literally, like, I'm barely making anything.
- [98:20]
B
I can just be in a bikini.
- [98:22]
C
Girl, you should have said that from the start. That I didn't have to get fully not because me. Like, I really didn't want people to see me. Like, I was not, like, that confidence within my body. Like, I was already, like, kind of.
- [98:33]
B
Like, oh, like, before your surgeries?
- [98:35]
C
Yeah, this was before my surgery. I was already like, oh, like, people are gonna see me. But I was like, as. At least they can record here. Like, you know, so they'll see my body, but it's like, they'll. They'll forget about it. So, like, they're not like, recording or anything. But then I'm like, but social media is, like, forever. So two months or a month after I start doing only fans, or two months after covet hits, so I'm forced to stop stripping. I'm forced. Like, I can't even strip it even if I wanted to. I did want to, but I Like, I. I like the comfort of knowing that, like, I made money there. So I wasn't like. Because I wasn't really making money on only fans. I was probably making, like 1500 2K. Like, I said covet hit. And I was, like, forced to just focus on, like, only fans and, like, my social media stuff. Stuff. And I didn't have a management. Like, I was doing this all by myself. Like, no. Like, I didn't trust no management. I had such a hard time trusting people because I was like, no, they're gonna me over. Like, they're just gonna use me. Like, they're not gonna give me the. Like, I'm gonna make this money by myself. Because she was like, oh, yeah, like, you can make like, 20k a month. That was like 20k a month.
- [99:32]
B
You're like, sign me up, girl.
- [99:34]
C
I was like, I'm there today. So I was like, oh. But then when I started only fans, I didn't make that much. I was like, I was like 20k a month. I was like, look, like, this is lying, but at least, like, I didn't feel that bad because, like, I wasn't showing no nudity or anything. So I was like, whatever. Like, I don't mind doing this. And then so I was forced to stop. I started doing only fans more. So I started making a little bit more. And this whole time, like, I was messaging people myself. I was doing on the app. Yeah, I was. I was doing it by myself, myself. So I had, like. So I was making like, 4 to 5k a month. Like, well, lucky. I was lucky if I made like 5k a month. But it was. It was like more like 3 to 3 to 4. 3.
- [100:21]
B
When do you feel like it spiked up for you?
- [100:23]
C
Okay. So I was struggling with money, like, in the middle of COVID and I was like, like, I need to make more money. And, like, but, like, OnlyFans is not making me that much. Like, I'm. I'm struggling and like, I. I don't know how. Like, I. I don't know how to do this. So then my friend was like, oh, like, come work with me in la. Like, there's poker games over here. So I was like, poker games? And she was like, yeah, poker games. Like, it's. It's like stripping, but you don't have to, like, dance or anything. You just, like, give back massages to guys and, like, take them drinks and take shots and stuff. So I was like, okay. Like, yeah, I'm down. So I did that for like, a month or two, and I was able to make like, 10k off of that. Like, I saved up 10k from doing that, which is way better than stripping. And then I go get my boobs done because I. Like, the main reason why I didn't want to, like, go nude on OnlyFans was because I was, like, very. Like, I. I was like, I had, like, little pepperoni nipple, like, nothing. Like, I look like a little boy. I was like, oh, I don't even feel like a woman. Like, yo quiero chichi. It's like, what the. Like, so then I. I get the 10k and I. I put that towards my, like, boob surgery. And then once I get my boob surgery, I go. Like, I had taken a, like a two month break from. From streaming, which was when I was, like, playing doing the Pokemon. So then I come back and when I got my boobs done, like, it blew me up. On Twitch, Like, I started getting like 2 to 3K viewers. Like, I was going crazy and I was starting to make a lot of money. That's when I. I made like, my first. Like, that's when I finally made 20k, like more than 20k a month. And I was like, oh. Because I. I started going nude. Like, I started like I was finally coming comfortable on only fans.
- [101:59]
B
Not on Twitch.
- [101:59]
C
No, no.
- [102:02]
B
I'm like, you can do that.
- [102:03]
C
No, no, no, you cannot do that.
- [102:05]
B
But you would kind of almost use like your Twitch popularity to promote your only fans kind of.
- [102:09]
C
Yeah. Yeah.
- [102:09]
B
Okay. Okay.
- [102:10]
C
So I started going nude on. Well, first it was just topless, so I did that. And then I was like, oh, like, you just have to, like, get naked. Which. Which, by the way, you do not have to get fully new to make over 20k a month or 10k. Like, I just didn't know how to market myself. I didn't, I didn't have a team, so. So I, like, I didn't, Like, I was making more money from subs than, like, messaging. That's what made me the money. But I thought it was me being nude, but no, it was just because, like, I was blowing up because, like, people saw me get my boobs done and they're like, what the fuck? Like, this girl went from having no boobs to boobs. And at this time, it was like, the E Girl stuff on Twitch was big. Like, Amaranth was the biggest one. A few other girls, and then I was one of them too. I was like, getting there and I was averaging like 2 to 3K viewers. And I was doing the hot tub stream. I was doing the spin the wheel thing. I was doing the, the. The ASMR thing. Like, hella, like, hella E girl that, like, you know, I was like, you know what? Whatever makes money. Like, if this makes me money, Like, I rather do this than be a super.
- [103:06]
B
When you started making more money off of only fans, you know you're going tiempo on that. You got scammed out of almost like $800,000. How did that happen? And how did you react after you found out that they were like, literally Taking that much money from you.
- [103:22]
C
From the start of my only fans, I was always very skeptical about, like, agencies, because I was like, these agencies don't give a about me. They only want to take my money. Like, I'm not. I'm not trusting anybody. Like, I'm gonna manage my own stuff. Like, I'm gonna do my own social media. This agency came and, like, they. I had, like, read the message. They're like, oh, like, we want to work with you. We promise to not touch your main accounts. We promise to not touch your main. Only fans. Like, we want to make a separate account of you, and we're gonna pay. Pay you, like, 20k a month. So I was like, huh? Okay. Like, they're gonna. They're gonna make an extra company. They're not. They're not gonna touch my things. They're not gonna. You know, they're gonna have their own thing, and they're gonna pay me 20k a month. I was like, what the hell?
- [104:04]
B
Yeah, sign me up.
- [104:04]
C
Yeah, sign me up. 20k a month. That should sound like a lot. Why would I say no? So then I signed. I signed with them, and after, like, a year of working with them, they were trying to sign me for five years. The contract initially said five years. I was like, five years. I was like, what the. Y' all got me up. Let's try one year. I was like, after the one year, I'll see if I want to keep on working with y', all, because why five?
- [104:26]
B
Like, you can blow up in that one year, and then your rates will change. Yeah.
- [104:30]
C
So I was like, I'm not. I'm not doing five. I was like, let's. Let's try one. So I try one. So the year is up, and, like, this whole time, I didn't see how much they were making on that account. You had no access to.
- [104:40]
B
Okay.
- [104:41]
C
But they had told me that, like, that. I was like. They basically, like. They gave me. They gave me a dealer, like, oh, you're gonna get paid 270. Okay. So I was like, 270? Oh, yeah, yeah. Give me that. Let me. Let me sign this right now. So. So I signed for that because, like, that's a lot of money. Like, if somebody comes up to you.
- [104:58]
B
It'S like, more than a doctor.
- [104:59]
A
Yeah.
- [104:59]
B
Or as a doctor.
- [105:00]
C
So if somebody comes up to me, they're like, yo, I'm gonna give you 270 through for this whole year. You just have to sign this and, like, send content. You're gonna say, well, I didn't Know better. So I was like, hell yeah. What the. I'm say yes right the now. So I say yes. And turns out like once they finally, the year was up, I finally get to see the account that they. So I see the account, they made $1 million and you only took home 200k. Yeah.
- [105:27]
B
How did you feel at that moment knowing that that could have been.
- [105:30]
C
No way I should have done percentages. Like why the did I not do 50? 50 at least? Like yeah, usually like at least 8. Like, like if they could take a big percentage, like at least they give you 50. But 20, like that's 20%, right?
- [105:44]
B
Like that's like yeah, 20%.
- [105:46]
C
Yeah.
- [105:47]
B
They literally like robbed you from like $800,000. That's crazy. That's a whole house girl.
- [105:51]
C
So it should have been reversed like 200k.
- [105:56]
B
Cuz you were doing what they were still like requesting all these pictures. I'm assuming, you know, you had to.
- [106:00]
C
Turn every like the weekend I was in like 20 new videos. Like 120 pictures. Like hella like content. And then I was also like blowing myself up on Tick Tock. Like everything. Like I was. Well actually when I was blowing up on twitch with the 2 to 3k, I got banned two months after. So I was banned for a year on Twitch. Yeah, I was banned for a whole year back to the people that were scamming me. So yeah, they, they, they did that and I was like, damn. Like they really finessed me. Like I didn't think that they could finesse me me. And I was like, I'm never working with an agency again. Like they're scammers. Like they just take advantage of girls that are dumb. Like I was dumb. Like I didn't know any better. So then I started just working on myself again. Like by myself. And by myself I was able like with me and just I had, I had a girlfriend for two years and she would like help me like message back the people like. Because I was like, I would message, but she would also message. So it was like me and her both messaging. So yeah, it was just basically both, both of us like working on the account by ourselves. And we by ourselves were able to make six figures.
- [107:01]
B
Damn, no percentages. No one was taking nothing.
- [107:04]
C
No, just me and her. Six figures.
- [107:06]
B
Crazy. You know, the cambia la vida. You start running into money. How did your life change after that? You know, do you feel like you started living the life you always dreamed?
- [107:16]
C
So yeah. But eventually when you go all the way up, you like you eventually go all the way down too. So I, I was like, oh, I'm making so much money. Like I thought like I was always gonna make, I mean I'm back to making a lot of money too. But there was. Okay, well let me, let me just say this. But I went from making so much money and then I told my brother, I was like, oh, like come work for me. Like I'm making stupid money right now. Like I'm gonna take care of all of you guys. Like my brother, I wanted it, I wanted him to work for me because like I wanted him to spend more time with his girls. Like he was always working. Like so was my sister in law. Like they were always just working. Like never really had time for their, for their kids or like if, if they did, like it was just like my sister in law that would spend more time and then my brother wouldn't really like see the kids. So I was like, okay, like I want them to just work for me. Like if I'm doing good, like I want all my family to do good.
- [108:01]
B
Like you can employ them.
- [108:02]
C
Like if I'm up, like we're all up type, like you know what I'm saying? Like so I like hire all my family. I take care of my mom, my little sister, my brother and his family. And then I had broken up with my ex girlfriend but I still had her working under me because I didn't trust agencies. Like if you're making money off of me, like even if you do me, like even if me and her like did not see eye to eye or like we kind of. It was really bad. Like I still wanted her to be good. Like I, you know, I think you're.
- [108:29]
B
Like, you're also helping me. So fudge it, let's help each other. Like let's just make it just work.
- [108:33]
C
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, and I wanted to like continue to like help her. So I get into a new relationship month, like probably like a few months later. Well like it was like a month after I broke up here but I was mentally like checked out. Checked out. Yeah. And like we had already like there was some, a lot of, a lot of bad stuff there. Well, I won't talk about that, that ever because I have like respect for that. But it's just, it was just really talk. Well, I mean she doesn't do social media so I don't think it's bad. Cuz I'm never going to say who it was, but it was just like a really toxic relationship. I get into a new relationship a lot of people thought I was in this relationship because they're like, oh, she's with him for the money. She's with him because she's going to get him clout. Like, I was already. I had already, like, a good following too. Like, I had my following, he had his following. But actually when I met him, like, my money started tanking. Like, why? I don't know. Like, I. I started like, paying more attention to him. I started getting distracted with him. Like, and then I also was paying attention more to my gaming stuff because I was so. Like, I wanted to become a professional gamer so bad that all I would want to do is just play my, like, video games so I could get good. Like, I was like, I want to be a professional gamer. Like, I would say it all the time. I was like, I'm gonna become a professional gamer. Like, I'm gonna put all my time into that. So I started putting a lot of my time into that. And then I would also, like, put my time into that because he was also, he was a professional gamer. So. And I wanted to be what he was, you know? So I was like, oh, like, you could teach me. That's actually how we met. Like, he came into my Twitch chat and he was like, yo, what's up? And I was like, yo, I know you. And I was like, oh, like, I know who you are. Like, you should help me get better at playing video. And he's like, yeah, hit me up on Twitter. And I hit him up on Twitter. And then from that day, like, we just kept on talking and yeah, so I started dating him. He was really respectful and, like, he treated me really good. But this whole time I'm with him, like, my money just keeps going down. It keeps tanking and tanking and tanking and tanking. And I was like, like. And at the time, like, you know when you're making so much money that you're just spending it on stupid? I was spending it a lot on stupid. I had gotten a house, renting. I rented a house for 25k a month.
- [110:33]
B
That's crazy, girl.
- [110:35]
C
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. So I was living with my mom and my little sister in the 25k. And then for my brother and his family, like, I got them an apartment. Like, I. An apartment close by. But they would all like, mostly we would always like, be in the house. Like, they would always come over, they would sleep over and stuff like that.
- [110:51]
B
But you just had a lot of like, responsibilities financial wise.
- [110:54]
C
So I was, Was that ever, like.
- [110:55]
B
Not a burden but was that ever hard on you? Like, ob. You know, you have a point where you're like, oh, I want to help everyone out. I want to make sure that if I'm up, my whole. My whole family's up. But I'm sure momento where you're like, oh, I'm stressed. Like, oh, like, I need to even make money for my rent. Like, I have all these responsibilities that ever get overwhelming for you.
- [111:14]
C
So it. It like, slowly started getting there. So first, like, because me, like, I was. I. We would have been good if I didn't get a 25k house. Like, but I. My dumbass. Then the bills were like, over 5k, so I was just like. Like, I was. It was too much. Like, I. I was making a lot of money, but at the same time, I was spending so much money, I was like, okay, like, I need to break the sleeve. So I. So when you go into the house, they give the security deposit. I was like, oh, honestly, just use the security. Like, I think I had like one month or two months, Two more months left. So I was like, honestly, I'm gonna just break the lease with that security deposit. Like, I wanna. I don't want to pay this house somewhere. Like, I'm kind of struggling right now. So then I go to a penthouse and I'm paying 10k. But this time, since I chose the penthouse, I told like, my ex boyfriend, like, oh, I'll pay 7k. You could pay 3k. Because I'm. I obviously, like, he was okay with living, like, at a normal place. So I was like, okay, I feel responsible for paying, paying for, like, this place because I'm the one that, like, I'm the one that wants to be bougie. And so we're living together. I also got them in the same apartments that we were in. So I was paying 5k for their rent, 7k for mine.
- [112:12]
B
House are expensive, girl. They're expensive.
- [112:14]
C
They really are. And then the rent, oh, my God.
- [112:16]
B
And I feel like, don't they also, like, charge you based on the level you're at? Like, if you're in the top building?
- [112:23]
C
So I was paying 10k. And then my brother was on, like, the bottom floor of mine, which was still. He. He lived in a really nice apartment. It was like 5k though. I wanted them to be at the same place I was at. Like, I was like, I want you gu experience what I'm experiencing. Like, if I'm living in a nice place, I want you guys to live in a nice place too. So I Had them with me. And then I don't know where. They switched the Fortnite servers to like, it was West. East. And then they switched it to just like Central. So they. Well, I think west. I think they're still there now, but they. Mostly like.
- [112:51]
B
For Fortnite. Yeah, Fortnite. But they changed like their system up the server.
- [112:56]
C
Like, the.
- [112:57]
B
The server?
- [112:58]
C
Yeah, they changed the server. So they switched the server to Texas. So that like, for. So now the people that are in over here that got zero ping, like, they don't get zero ping anymore. They have to go to Texas. Because all the competition now, like, the, like, if you want to play competitive and stuff, you have to go to Texas to get zero ping. Like, you could be over here and get zero ping, but you have to be west. But they don't do competitions in west anymore. They only do it in Central, which is in Texas. So my ex wanted to move to Texas. And me, like, I'm like, well, I want to move with you. Like, I don't want to, like to like, leave me alone.
- [113:28]
B
Yeah.
- [113:29]
C
So I was like, okay, like, I'll move with you. So I still had to pay this rent. Like, I didn't want him to pay the rent because I was like, well, I feel bad that I'm the one that chose this place. Like, I'll just pay it. It. I'm over here paying the 10k and the 5k. And then we got a new place over there in Texas, which was 4K. And I, we were going half. So it was 2K and 2K. So I'm over here paying like hella stuff. And then I was like, like, I'm lowkey struggling and it was really hard for me. Like, I was. I started struggling and then I wanted to bring out my family to Texas with me. And I was really depressed because I could, like, I couldn't afford it anymore because I had so many, like, bills to pay. And my money started like tanking. So I was like, really struggling. And then I started like streaming every day again. And like, I started making extra money from there. And then once I started streaming more, like, I was able to bring my family out to Texas with me. We were all finally together. But my money tanked so bad. And like, I was really depressed because I also gained way. So I was like a little bit like Yanita. Like, I. I went from 125 to 1, almost 170. It was like 168.
- [114:30]
B
So it was like a huge change for you. So did people comment on that? Online.
- [114:33]
C
Oh yeah. They would be like, I, I would be like, oh. Like, cuz my titles are very like sexual. So I would put like a title like oh, Latina with the fat ass. And they'd come in and be like, your ass is not fat, you're just fat. And I'm like, you're like, what a.
- [114:46]
B
Way to humble you all. You like, change your description, be more accurate.
- [114:52]
C
Literally. I was like, I was like, you didn't have to say like that.
- [114:57]
A
Let me call that song what the hell.
- [114:59]
C
They would like always comment like, oh, you're fat, you need to lose weight, you need to go to the gym. So that like really like made me depressed and I kind of stopped posting that much and my following started going down. Like I wasn't like going up anymore. My views were down, down, my money was down. And like we were struggling. Like we were struggling. I couldn't pay the rent sometimes I was like, like, I'm struggling to pay the rent. I don't like asking people for help. So I was just like, I'm not gonna tell anybody. I didn't want to tell my eggs. Like, I felt embarrassed. I was like, I don't want to tell him that I'm struggling. Like, I don't, I don't want him to know. Once I realized that we were struggling because my brother was like, hey, like if you're really struggling, like we'll go back to Cali and like, I'll work at the apartments again. Like, because he was a general manager at apartments, so he was like, hey, like I know this is a law for you. And like he would see that I would cry. I would go in my room and I would start crying and I was really depressed. I would just, like, I would be like, like, I really hate my life right now. And then I was like, I feel so ugly right now. I'm so ugly. And I would cry. And I was like, I was like, my views are down too. Like, I don't, Like I'm so ugly, I'm so fat. Like, and I, and I just like all these thoughts started coming to me and I, like, I really had my, like, my confidence was like all time low. And so my brother was like, oh, like, we'll go back. You don't have to worry about us. And I was like, no, like, please don't, don't go. Like, don't leave. Like I'll, I'll, like I'll work harder. Like I'm gonna lose weight. Like I'm gonna get it together. Like I'MMA I'm gonna get out of this depression, and I'm gonna start, like, hustling again, and I'm gonna go back to making us, like, six figures again. Like, I'm gonna start doing it. And, like, I sounded delusional. I was like, no, like, I'm gonna do it. Like, I'm gonna make six figures by the end of the month. Like, by the end of the year. And I had, like. It was like, maybe three months till the year ended. So I was like, no, like, please, like, just give me till the end of the year. If I don't do it by the end of the year, we're still struggling. Then you could go back, but just give me three more months.
- [116:43]
B
Did it work out?
- [116:44]
C
It did, it did.
- [116:46]
B
Manifestation, girl. Manifestation.
- [116:48]
C
Manifestation. So I started working out a lot. I started taking these shots. It was called Mounjournal. And, like, that made me. That helped me lose weight a lot too. And once I lost weight, like, my body, like, well, that's when it looks as bad. So. And then this was before my surgery. So then I'm like, I'm feeling more confident. I'm like, okay, day, like, my views start going crazy again. I started hitting, like, 30 million views. 20 mil, 1 mil, 5 mil. Like, it starts going again. And I was like, okay, like, this all.
- [117:15]
B
I'm back.
- [117:15]
C
I'm like, I'm back and I'm better. You're like, yeah. Which, by the way, shout out to my girl Aisha, I love you. I owe you everything. Her and Sophie Rain. So, yeah, I meet Aisha, I meet Sophie, and they take me under the wing. They help me out, and. And they're the reason why I am this big today. Like, shout out to both of those girls for real. They changed my life forever. Not just them, but all the Bob House girls, too. Like, shout out to all my girls from the Bob House. Shout out to Sophie. Shout out to Aisha. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for them.
- [117:47]
B
I'm sure you're no stranger to the hate or just, you know, the criticism. Como laces, tu paque no ta affect en los commentarios negativos.
- [117:55]
C
So at the beginning, like, they did bother me a lot. Like, I would start crying and I'd be like, damn, like, I'm ugly. Like, I want to get surgery. I want to want this. But over time, you just realize, like, most of these kid people hating our kids, like, they're little ass kids telling you that you're ugly, that you're Fat that you're this and that. Like people or they're people that are projecting about how they feel about themselves. So they, like I said from the beginning, hurt people. Hurt people. So these people that are hating are just hurt people that are just projecting how they feel like they're unhappy. Because you're never going to see successful people hating. You're never going to see that.
- [118:29]
B
Never. They don't have time for that.
- [118:30]
C
They don't have time for that, literally. So it's just like, you can't take it personal. Like, you just have to let people say whatever they want at the end of the day. Like, they, they probably don't even love themselves and like, they probably hurt themselves. Like, you just have to like, be like, you know what? If you think I'm ugly, okay. Oh, you don't like me? Okay. It's okay. I love myself.
- [118:51]
B
Literally. And I feel like with social media you really do have to build like tight skin or rough. What is it called? Yeah, tough skin. To be able to grab all these opinions from people that you. You don't even want their opinions and almost be like, you know what? Yeah, you can think that about me, but that's not who I am as a person other than the little 10 minute video that I post or my little TikTok. So no Louie at the Persona. You know, by the way, I've been loving this conversation because I feel like we've been able to meet you a little bit more on a deeper level.
- [119:20]
C
Before I finish, I do want to show you something. I'm working on music. I am working with one of the best producers. His name is Scott Stories George. And this is one of the songs that we've been working on together. And I wanted to see your reaction to it.
- [119:34]
B
You guys. We're gonna beep it out for you.
- [119:35]
C
Guys.
- [119:38]
B
And streaming the song.
- [119:44]
C
This is Loki. You're gonna be like, yo, she disliked the video. This is Loki ass. What the.
- [119:52]
B
Hey, you sound really good.
- [119:54]
C
Thank you.
- [119:56]
B
But is that hard producing a song like what you makes made you get into the music?
- [119:59]
C
So I've been wanting to do music since I was like, probably. Like I wanted to start four, four or five years ago, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I was like, oh, people are just gonna make fun of me for it. Like they're just gonna clown me. They're gonna be like, oh, this Onlyfans bitch. Or oh, this Tick Tock wants to do music. Like, you know, and I thought they were gonna like just like clown on Me for it. So I was like, oh, I'm not. I'm not gonna do it. And then, like, another year, I start writing my songs and I. And I show my brother. I'm like, oh, look. Like, I. I like, I start doing it on my phone and my brother. Brother's like, oh, let's go to the studio. Like, and then I was like, oh, like, I don't know. He's like, no, come on. Like, we're gonna. I'm gonna take you to the studio. So he takes me to. He finds a place to like, to get. To like, record. To record. And. And I read it myself. So it's kind of ass. I'm like, like, the song's low key ass. But my brother's like, oh, it's so good.
- [120:41]
B
Like, they're not supporting you.
- [120:42]
C
Yeah. Like, they're all hyping me up. They're like, oh, this is so good. Like, like being my biggest fans. Like, they always, like, no matter what, like, it could be like, oh, my God, that was so ass. And they're like, oh, my God, for l. Literally, Literally. Now I look at it, I'm like, bro, why didn't you guys tell me? They're like, they're like, it was good. I was like, for a beginner.
- [121:03]
B
Yeah.
- [121:05]
C
So then. So then we do that. And then, like, I kind of don't have time for it anymore. And like, I, I. And then, like, I realized how acid is. I'm like, oh. Like, I'm kind of discouraged again. I'm like, this. This sounds as I goes. Like, maybe it's not for me.
- [121:15]
B
Yeah.
- [121:15]
C
I like, I'm like, you know what? I really do want to do music, though. Like, I want to do it. Like, it's something that, like, Like I keeps. It keeps calling to me. Like, I. Like, it's something I need to do. Like, no. Like, I can't stop. Like, I have dreams about it. Like, I. I want to do it. So I, like, look for a songwriter because I'm like, I definitely can't write my own songs. Like, that is ass.
- [121:30]
B
Yeah.
- [121:31]
C
So I look for a songwriter. I buy songs off of him, and then we go record the first song. And I'm like, okay, like, this is kind of good.
- [121:38]
B
Yeah.
- [121:39]
C
And then we go to another. Another, like, another for another song. And I'm like, okay, this is even better than the last one. The last one's kind of ass.
- [121:45]
B
I can't wait. Because I. Supporting her.
- [121:57]
C
I see myself in the next five years being a really big singer and just doing like a lot of big things, being super successful and yeah, just doing my thing.
- [122:07]
B
And she's gonna manifest this, you guys. And I can't wait till you accomplish all those dreams. I really had, had, had a great time, you guys. Literally right now we take a little break and you know your kunyada. Who's everyone here?
- [122:19]
C
Sister, my sister in law, my brother.
- [122:22]
B
Our audience today, ah, they're like, the cheese was good, you guys. We've been talking for so long, but I loved every single moment of it. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing a little bit more about you.
- [122:32]
C
Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.
- [122:35]
B
Guys, make sure you guys go ahead and follow her. I will leave. Leave all her links down below as well as on the screen. And also, don't forget to follow me so you guys won't miss any future episodes. And with that being said, thank you once again for being here. Thank you guys so much for watching and we'll see you guys in the next one. Bye, guys. Yay. And Doug, here we have the Limu.
- [123:08]
C
Emu in its natural habitat, helping people.
- [123:11]
B
Customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.
- [123:17]
C
Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.
- [123:22]
B
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.
- [123:24]
C
Cut the camera.
- [123:25]
A
They see us.
- [123:26]
B
Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.