← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Chris Cotter Talks All: Toxic Parents, Coming Out, Dealing With DL Men, Drama, CHISME & MORE!!!
01:29:55
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- [00:00]
A
And I immediately just burst into waterworks. And I remember looking around at my sister, my brother and my stepdad, like, someone please say something. And she's like, you're not gay.
- [00:24]
B
What is up, everyone? I'm your host, Alan Ice, and this is Noche de Pendejadas, your favorite podcast turned talk show. And diotrego at. Today we have a very special guest. So without any further ado, please help me welcome my guest tonight. Chris Car.
- [00:48]
A
Hi, guys. Hello. How are you? I'm wonderful. How are you? I'm so happy to be here.
- [00:53]
B
I am so excited that we're finally making this happen. Before we get started, tell us a little bit more of what you've been up to. I know you landed in LA not too long ago. What have you been up to?
- [01:05]
A
When I've been out here so far, I'm not gonna lie, I've been doing a lot of going out. I'm like a party girl. I like to go to the club, I like to get lit, I like to shake some ass. Like that's all I've been on here recently. But I mainly came here for this.
- [01:16]
B
I'm so excited, you guys. Fun fact. We were supposed to make this happen.
- [01:20]
A
We were.
- [01:20]
B
Not too long ago. Well, actually long ago.
- [01:22]
A
Yeah.
- [01:23]
B
I'm actually super excited that we are making it happen. And I feel like a lot of people are gonna really enjoy this episode because they're really gonna be able to know you a little bit better, get to understand your upbringing and just who you are. As we get started, I'm going to go ahead and give you the mic to tell us a little bit more of who you are and what you do. For those of you at home that.
- [01:42]
A
May not know you, my name is Chris Cotter. I'm 18 years old. I'm from Houston, Texas, and I'm a social media influencer and YouTuber that specializes in day to day vlogs and lifestyle videos.
- [01:51]
B
And I'm going to go ahead and shut the up and go straight into the point because I feel like you guys came to really know a little bit more about Chris. So we're going to start with your childhood. Tell us a little bit more about your childhood, who you were, how you grew up, where you grew up.
- [02:09]
A
So I grew up in Houston, Texas, born and raised. And I grew up in a little small town called Pearland, Texas. I grew up with my parents divorced. We're very much like middle class and I grew up playing baseball. I was very involved in sports. I was very academically successful. And I was honestly a good kid. I would say I was pretty good kid. I feel like my dad was very, like, not strict. He was very let loose. He let me do kind of whatever I wanted. And my mom was very, very strict. She did not play with me at all. My environment was very, like, suburban, I would say a lot of times. Whenever I was in elementary school, everywhere I was was very, like, predominantly white.
- [02:44]
B
Okay.
- [02:45]
A
And when I moved to middle school, that's where I kind of, like, took more into my black side. And that's where, like, I kind of really found out who I was whenever I went there.
- [02:52]
B
Your mom's black and your dad's white, right?
- [02:54]
A
Yes.
- [02:55]
B
How was that like growing up?
- [02:56]
A
Honestly, if I'm being so honest, this may sound crazy. I did not know I was black until I was in sixth grade. And it sounds so crazy every single time that I say that. But my dad, I mainly grew up with him in the house. Like, I never really saw my mom too much. I probably saw her once or twice a week until I was in middle school. I grew up mainly with my dad around, and my dad is white, so I was mainly around him and his family and stuff like that. I never had any siblings on that side. I only have siblings on my mom's side. I knew that my mom was black and my brother was black, but for some reason, I just didn't think I got my mom's jeans. I don't know why. And honestly, no one ever really told me that I was black. But I just remember when I first went to middle school and it was actually my first time, like, you know, actually being around my people and being around black people and stuff like that. And I just got more in tune with the culture and, you know, all that stuff. And I started actually being at my mom's house more. And that's whenever I really, like, got in touch with that side of me. I never really knew what I was. And it's so weird because people used to always say, like, oh, you're this or you're that, or you think that you're cute because you're light skin, or you like. I never knew what the hell I was.
- [03:56]
B
Like, this is just who the fuck I am.
- [03:57]
A
I did not know. And I just remember, like, having a sit down conversation with my mom and her being like, you're black. And I was like, oh, like, that never clicked for me. I don't know why even now, people still tell me, oh, you're not black because you don't look it. Like Some people think I look like. Some people think I don't look black. Like, it's very. Just. I don't even know, but all I know is I am black.
- [04:17]
B
When you look back at your, like, childhood, what is, like, the best memories you have? What are things you love doing? Like, when you think back about your childhood, what makes you be like, wow, that was such a good time.
- [04:28]
A
Honestly, every single year in my childhood, I would always go to Galveston. Galveston is a small, little beach town. It's about an hour away from the heart of Houston. And I used to go there every single year for my birthday. I'd bring all my friends, my baseball teammates, and I'd always just have the best time ever out there. We go to Schlitterbahn, this water park, and that's where I made, like, my best memories.
- [04:46]
B
Honestly, what was your relationship like with your parents growing up? You tell us a little bit that, you know, you would spend a lot of time with your dad. Would you consider yourself more of, like, a daddy's boy growing up or a mommy's boy? Like, what was your relationship with each of your parents growing up?
- [05:01]
A
So I'd say from until I got till about middle school, I was very, of course, loving. It's kind of hard to have, like, a difficult relationship with your parents when, like, you're super duper young. So, of course, growing up, like, up until high school, I was super loving and caring about both my parents. But when I got to middle school, high school, things did get very rocky with my mom. And we have been through a lot of things. That's, like, a very, very touchy subject for me, honestly, my mom. But me and my dad, we are super duper close even to this day, me and my dad, we've had our ups and downs, of course. I feel like everybody and their parents has, but me and my dad are very, very close. I'd honestly, I say that I'm more of a daddy's.
- [05:38]
B
And we're gonna get into the relationship with your mom a little bit later in the podcast. I wanna know a little bit more about, you know, your parents divorce. You tell us that they divorced at a very young age. Tell us a little bit more about that. How did you find out? How old were you? And how exactly did the divorce affect you growing up?
- [05:57]
A
So, for me, when I was born, I have no memory of my parents ever being together. When I was in elementary school, my mom and my dad lived about two minutes away from each other. My dad had this house in this neighborhood. My mom had an apartment in the complex across the street. Street. And I would see my mom, like, once or twice a week, like I said earlier. And whenever they live close together. I remember sometimes my dad would bring me over there. He would sometimes stick around for, like, 20, 30 minutes. And I never knew what it was until I got older. But my mom and dad were, like. They were still married, but they just hadn't, you know, signed the papers to divorce or anything. But they could not stand each other. But they were. I think they were still fucking on the low. So I think they were still, like, seeing each other and stuff like that. That's why I would still see my mom, like, once or twice a week. But overall, growing up, like, I just remember them living close together, but never them being together. I've never seen them kiss. I've never seen them show affection, anything like that. Until fifth grade is whenever. Everything changed in fifth grade. My mom and my dad, like, just hit their breaking point. My dad had got a new girlfriend. My mom had got a new boyfriend. They finally left each other alone. And that's whenever, like, a whole bunch of drama went down. And I remember them finally signing those divorce papers, and that's whenever we went through the custody battle. And that's when I started to see my mom more often.
- [07:04]
B
What was that like for you? Obviously, you know, you tell us that growing up, you didn't really understand the situation. Obviously, you were a kid, and in fifth grade, it finally hit you, like, oh, shit. My parents, one, aren't happy with each other, two, they're getting divorced. That means that my parents are no longer gonna be together. What was that moment of realization for you and what was going on in your mind during that time?
- [07:28]
A
It was honestly crazy because growing up, I thought that it was normal to have your parents divorced. Like, I remember for Valentine's Day at school, we'd make little cards for our parents. I made two every single year. I always had to make two cards. Two cards for Christmas, two cards for Valentine's, two cards for whatever the holiday was. And I remember all the other kids would always just make one. And I really understood that, like, whenever people would be like, oh, my parents are together, I'd be like, huh? Like, that doesn't make sense to me. And I just remember coming home from fifth grade, I played baseball. Growing up, a very, very big part of my life is baseball. And I actually didn't even quit until sophomore year, which we can definitely get into later. But my dad's very, very big on baseball. My dad is like, I want you to do baseball. He put me in it when I was, like, four. I was really good at it. He was at every game. He was like an assistant coach sometimes, always cheering me on. But my mom, she didn't really care for baseball. She didn't really, like, you know, she wasn't really fucking with that. She didn't really care about that. And I just remember one time I really did not want to go to baseball practice. I really did not. But it was a practice before this big championship game. And I remember my dad was supposed to pick me up from school, but I had just got a phone. I had a phone in second grade because my parents were divorced. I had to call my parents all the time. So I was the only person in my elementary school with a phone. And I just remember texting my mom during school, sneaking in the bathroom and being like, please come pick me up. I do not want to go to practice today. And we did it behind my dad's back. She picked me up and everything. And my dad spazzed out. It was so bad. And again, I didn't find out much of this until later, but it was the most embarrassing thing ever. My dad came and picked me up from my mom's house because of course he found out if I'm not with him, who else am I going to be with? And he picked me up, took me to practice, and my mom pulled up, and they literally fought in front of everybody. They argued down in front of everybody. And it's like, we're in this. It's like batting cage practice. So all the coaches, all the parents, everyone is just like, what the hell is going on? They're cussing each other out. I'm like 10 years old. I'm so embarrassed. They put me in, like, some private room, and I'm just sitting there crying, wishing that my parents would stop fighting. And that's whenever I realized, like, wow, my parents really do not like each other. And I just remember my mom took me home from that, and she had a very serious conversation with me on the way home about how my dad has basically antagonized her, like, her entire life. And she's always felt like she could never get as close to me because my dad keeps me from her. She still feels that way until this day. And that's kind of when I realized, like, whoa, like, this is pretty serious.
- [09:44]
B
You know, when you finally realized that, you know, your parents were divorced or didn't like each other, how do you feel like your life changed after that? Do you Feel like you saw your mom less, you got distant with a particular like parent. Especially after the divorce was settled. What was that like?
- [09:59]
A
After being very, very close to my dad growing up, it honestly made me gravitate more towards my mom because I felt so bad for my mom. And she would just, you know, always come to me and cry to me about how the way that my dad treats her, the way that my dad makes her seem, because I'm not gonna lie, my dad treated my mom horribly. He left her through her pregnancy, like midway through, just packed everything and left. And I knew none. And I just remember my mom like just crying to me all the time and her being so emotionally damaged from the things that my dad has done to her and it made me feel so bad. And I remember whenever she took my dad to court and she would be like, please, like, you know, come to the court and ask him if you can see me on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. That way I could see her three times a week, three days in a row and I could get closer with my mom. So for most of middle school, I ended up being very close with her. She wanted me to go to middle school by where she lived in paralleland but my dad lived about an hour away. My dad was constantly moving around, but my mom always stayed in the heart of paraland.
- [10:51]
B
Did you ever blame yourself growing up?
- [10:53]
A
Honestly, I never thought that it was me because I know that they both just clash so badly. Like my mom is like a very clean freak, neat person. She doesn't like to, you know, eat food upstairs even like she's just a very, very type a person. And my dad is very like, I don't even care if there's 20 dishes in the sink. And my mom, like, they just don't get along. So I never thought that it was me, honestly, I never blamed it on myself. But I just know that they've had issues for as long as I can't remember.
- [11:19]
B
What was it like in school for you when it came to your parents? Obviously, you know, you saw a lot of your friends, both their par coming to award shows or just like anything school related. Did you feel it more when it came to like your school life?
- [11:31]
A
Oh, school was crazy. I remember literally the first day of middle school orientation. So everything with my mom taking my dad to court and everything for custody, that happened in fifth grade. So in sixth grade my mom was able to choose where I went to school. And for high school my dad was able to choose where I went to school. And I remember 6th grade orientation. My mom and I went, and my dad also went, you know, to meet the teachers. It was like, we're still young, so you still had to meet the teachers, say, what's up? And all that. And I remember me and my mom were, like, running low key. My mom kind of manipulated me a little bit into not liking my dad, and my dad did the same with my mom. They both were just trying to win me over in a sense. And I remember at orientation, we literally were just playing hide and go seek from my dad. Like, my dad would text me, where are you? I'm at this first period teacher, where are you at? And my mom would be like, go the other way, go the other way. And I would just. We were just running around for my dad and so. And seeing all the other kids with their parents, of course, I was just like, wow. Like, I kind of do wish it would be a little different, you know?
- [12:25]
B
How would you describe co parenting growing up with your parents? Feel like they did a good job? Or like you mentioned, it was very much where you felt always in the middle. It felt like they were just acting more out of emotions for themselves versus, like, hey, let's put our emotions to the side. We have Chris to worry about. How did you feel when it came to co parenting for them?
- [12:45]
A
Yeah, they definitely sucked at it. They always argued, always fought in front of me. I never really thought that co parenting was a thing because, again, I was young. I didn't really know much about divorced parents, co parenting, anything like that. I just always thought that people's parents hated each other. Like, I thought everyone's parents were divorced at that. Everyone's had a mom and everyone had a dad. They had those both sides of the family. But honestly, they were really immature. So immature. They always tried to outdo each other. They always wanted to. Oh, like, if I told my dad, like, oh, my mom got me this for Christmas, my dad would be like, oh, I'm gonna get you that for Christmas. And not gonna lie. It worked out in my favor. Like, I did definitely play both sides. Sometimes I use it to my advantage because if y' all don't like each other and y' all always trying to one up each other and be the favorite parent. Oh, I'm gonna make y' all work for it. I'm gonna have me a good look.
- [13:25]
B
Let's see who's gonna fucking win me over.
- [13:27]
A
Exactly, exactly.
- [13:29]
B
This is a competition, baby.
- [13:30]
A
No. Yeah. Get, like, in trouble with one parent, I'd be like, mommy just did this. And they're like, okay, I'm coming to get you, and I'm getting you, Chick Fil A. I'm going to pick you up, we're going to go to the mall, we're going to get this, we're going to get that. I loved it. Honestly, I. I loved it, but it was sad.
- [13:45]
B
Honestly, how do you think it affected you? Because I feel like as a kid, it doesn't really affect you other than like, you're using it to your advantage. But then comes a point where you're like, oh, you know what? That kind of affected me or that relationship or the way I would act or the way my parents would do things affected me on a deeper level. Now that you're an adult, do see things or things that you struggle with that you pinpoint back to, like, the divorce of the way your parents navigated their relationship.
- [14:10]
A
You know what's so crazy? I never thought of it in that aspect until you just said that. But looking back, that definitely has impacted the way that I view relationships. I'm not gonna lie. I do struggle with relationships. Dating, talking to guys. I'm not very good at it. It's very hard for me to be, like, believing someone. It's very hard for me to get along with men. I just feel like all their intents are always bad. Because growing up, my mom always told me, like, your dad did this, your dad did that, and my dad's telling me, oh, your or Roman.
- [14:37]
B
Yeah, you hear that a lot. Yeah.
- [14:38]
A
And so I'm just like, I don't know anything but arguing with guys, like, it's pretty bad. Not gonna lie, you know, seeing your.
- [14:45]
B
Relationship of your parents, did that ever, like, in your head or in your heart make you feel like, oh, you know what? True love doesn't exist. If my parents can't get along, if they can't love each other, then there really isn't anything to, like, look forward for. Did you kind of, like, close yourself off to love in any point because of that?
- [15:03]
A
Honestly, Yeah. I think that that definitely had a lot to do with it because whenever guys try to talk to me, I always just think, oh, even if we get married, even if we have kids, no matter what, it can still be bad. It can always go left. And so I always just try to protect my peace by just not even dealing with that type of stuff.
- [15:20]
B
Honestly, did you ever have a moment where you, like, you brought it up to your parents, like, hey, you know, I get it, like, you guys are acting this way because out of emotion, but this is Affecting me this way. If so, how did that conversation go?
- [15:33]
A
Go.
- [15:33]
B
I remember.
- [15:34]
A
I'm not gonna lie all the time. Whenever they would fight, I would always cry. It always was a very big trigger for me. And especially whenever I went to school in elementary school. I first went to school at Silver Lake elementary, this small school in Parand. Very diverse, very great, very amazing. But then I switched in fourth and fifth grade to this school called Horn Elementary. And that was a very like white upper class. Like it was where my grandma lived and so I was using her address to go to that school. And everyone there was like, lives are together. Everyone's rich, everyone's happy, everyone's parents are together. And it was very. I was much the outcast there. There was probably like one or two black kids in my class, including myself. And I remember whenever I would see that and then look at my family, it would always just trigger me whenever they would argue. Because I go to my best friend's house and it's like, oh, their parents are loving each other, they're going on a date night. They got each other this, they got each other that. And I'm like, I go home and I'm just like, please stop fighting. I remember always crying and asking my mom, like, please just don't even give him the reaction he wants. Like, leave it alone, please, I'm begging you. A lot of things trigger me. A lot of fighting, arguing, all that kind of stuff would always just really upse me. Like, even if I'd see like my friends argue, it would always just remind me of my parents and I get really upset and it would just make me cry.
- [16:43]
B
I can't relate to you in the divorce as kids, but growing up, my parents are very abusive verbally and physically. And I feel like growing up, you know, once I was able to make, you know, once I was able to move out and really create a home for myself, even going to my parents house was a trigger. Like, even if they would, even if they weren't arguing, just the way they talk is very loud. And it would make me like fucking get PTSD of. Like, oh my God, this reminds me of my childhood. Like a fucking fight's about a breakout. Like, why are you guys yelling? And I feel like now as an adult, I'm like, you know what? I've been able to create my own peace that like, I feel like no one is able to disturb it. You feel like now as an adult, you kind of gravitate towards, like, you know what I'm gonna do with whatever is Peaceful for me, not for my parents.
- [17:28]
A
Oh, absolutely. Like when I tell you I literally moved out two days after turning 18. Like I've always told my parents since I was like 13, I was like, as soon as I'm 18, I'm out. You guys are toxic. You gu get on my nerves. You guys control, you guys abuse. I also can relate to the verbal and physical abuse as well from my parents. And that was very hard for me to grow up with. And so I always knew as soon as I was an adult, I am out of here. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I did it.
- [17:52]
B
We'll figure it out. I love it. What is the piece of advice you can give anyone watching right now that is currently going through like their parents divorce and feels like it won't get better?
- [18:02]
A
I will honestly say just hang in there. I know it may be super hard, but it's not your fault. You know what I mean? Nothing has anything to do with you. And I feel like as long as you stay true to yourself and you focus on what you love and you, you know, just try. Honestly, my biggest thing was finding a distraction, finding baseball. I started dancing, I started social media. Whenever I just found a distraction that could tune out all that loudness, it truly did help me become like who I am today. So I'd say find a distraction, get involved, you know, leave the house as much as you can. Get out of there. And that's how I really coped with it.
- [18:34]
B
And I know I've said this so many times, remember that the life you're currently living in right now isn't the life you have to have for yourself fore. You know, obviously right now if you're underage, you can't really do much other than what your parents tell you. But once you are of age and you have the resources to really create a life for yourself, you're going to be able to dictate how you want to live. If you want peace, you'll be able to have peace. If you want chaos, you'll have chaos. Like it really is up to yourself and how you really want to navigate your life and you know, wherever the situation is. That doesn't mean that that has to be like your forever. You know, you've mentioned about the rocky relationship with your. I want to talk a little bit more about that. You know, how was that relationship? What did rocky mean and look like to you on the day to day life? Was there a specific moment that you felt like that shift of like, oh shit, you know what? Maybe me and my mom were good or maybe just chilling and then after this exact moment, it all went downhill. If so, what was that moment for you?
- [19:35]
A
So I've actually never said this publicly before, but I'm not gonna lie. It was whenever I first came out to my mom. I was in eighth grade. It was the first day of Pride Month. I remember it was 6-1-20. I was 13 years old. And I remember I had just seen this post on Instagram, and it was like, somebody wearing this, like, wife beater, and they had, like, some kissy faces on it. It was super cute. It was like this really, like, DIY thing. And I was like, oh. Like, how'd you do that? And he was like, oh. All I did was just put lipstick on and then kiss the shirt, and it looked cute. And I was like, okay, like, I'm gonna do the same thing. And so I ordered it. I ordered the lipstick. I ordered the wife beater. And I remember going downstairs and kissing the, you know, wife beater and stuff and making my shirt, but I accidentally left a little bit of lipstick staying on the carpet. And I remember telling my sister and being like, oh, shit, like, my mom's gonna kill me. Like, what am I gonna do? And she was like, honestly, like, girl, you're good. And if anything, just, you know, tell her what you were doing, and I don't think she'll be mad. And I was like, okay, you're right. So I remember when mom got home, of course, and she immediately noticed it. Like I said earlier, my mom's a neat freak. And so she immediately started freaking out because there's stains on the floor. And she asked me where it came from. I told her that, oh, you know, I was making this DIY shirt and everything. I accidentally got lipstick. I'm so sorry. And she immediately got into telling me, oh, boy. Should never wear lipstick. And what are you doing? You young for that? Absolutely not. And I remember my sister, and she just kind of told me, like, you know, it's the first day of Pride Month. Like, you just graduated middle school. Like, you're going to high school. I feel like you're getting older. I feel like it's time to let her know, like, you're gay. And I remember, you know, calling all my family into the room. It was me, my stepdad, my brother, and my stepsister. And I kind of sat everyone down. Everybody knew except for my mom. My mom is very, like, lady of the house. She's very like, you tell her the stuff lasts, like she's very, very, like, on it. And I just remember sitting on the couch just like I am right now and telling her, you know, like, I'm gay. And immediately, as soon as those words came out of my mouth, she slapped me right in my face. Slapped me. And she was like, what did you say? And I was like, I'm gay. And she slapped me again. And immediately I just burst it into tears because it brought back, like, you know, all the trauma from the divorced parents and the yelling and the abusiveness and all that. And I immediately just burst into waterworks. And I remember looking around at my sister and my brother, my step dad, like, someone please say something. And she's like, you're not gay. She's like, have you ever had sex with a boy? And I was like, no. Like, I'm 13. I never have. And she was like, okay, then, you're not gay. You just like boys, but you're not gay. And I was like, I'm sorry, but no, like, I'm gay. Slap me again. Third time. And I just felt like ever since that moment, everything between us has changed completely. And I remember going upstairs and. And immediately calling my dad and just wanting to move out and wanted to get away from her. And that was genuinely, like. I still think about that to this day.
- [22:21]
B
Was that very confusing for you as a kid? You know, obviously, you're trying to figure out who you are, your feelings, and what you're going through at that age. And then you have your mom telling you, like, you're not. That you're not there, slapping you and almost not even explaining your feelings. Was that very confusing for you?
- [22:38]
A
Absolutely. Because I remember also one time in sixth grade when I was in middle school, I was hanging around girls. I had nothing but sisters growing up. My brother is very much older than me, so I didn't hang around him too much when I was growing up. We just got closer recently. And I was kind of feminine, you know, I did like, TikTok. I was on Dove Smash. I just danced and stuff. So everyone would always call me gay. They always say that I'm bi, that I'm gay, that I was just, you know, feminine. And I remember my mom sitting me down in sixth grade one morning before school asking me, like, you know, are you gay? Like, if you're gay, I still support you. Like, I'm gonna love you no differently, and you're always gonna be my baby. And I remember telling no mom, like, I'm not gay at all. And I remember going to school and just crying about it because I was like, damn, like, everyone at school thinks I'm gay. My mom thinks I'm gay. And at that point, I hadn't even had enough time to figure out who I am yet. I'm like, I'm 11 years old. I don't know what the hell I am. But I had a girlfriend at the time. Like, I liked girls. And I just remember my mom picking me up from school. She took me to church, and she was telling me, like, oh, you know, you need to work on this, work on that. And I'm like, girl, I'm not even gay. And then I kind of of just didn't talk to her the rest of that day. So I kind of thought back to the moment before I told her that I was gay. And I was like, oh, like, you know, she's going to be chill. She's not even going to be upset, like, because she told me before that she promised me that she would love me unconditionally. And so to receive the reaction of me getting slapped was just like, whoa.
- [23:58]
B
No, I feel like that's definitely hard, Especially because I'm sure at the moment you're like, oh, she's going to be so accepting. Do you feel like growing up, she didn't really understand who you were? Did you ever feel like you had almost edit yourself to, like. Like, another version of yourself to really feel accepted by her?
- [24:13]
A
Oh, 100. I couldn't wear the color pink. I couldn't even sleep, like, in the same bed as, like, my guy friends whenever I would go to their house and stuff like that. She treated me so differently after I told her that. And I remember I would walk out if I had shorts on too short, if I had jeans on too tight. It was a no, no, no, no, no, no. But my brother got to do whatever he wanted, and he got to wear whatever he wanted, go wherever he wanted. But when it came to me after I told her I was gay, it was like, now you can't do this and you can't do that. And it's like, it was so weird.
- [24:40]
B
Did you ever, like, confront her about how she's made you feel? If so, how did that conversation go? Or if you haven't, what has made you stopped having that conversation with her?
- [24:50]
A
I'm not gonna lie. I never have had the uncomfortable conversation with her. I feel like at this point, I don't even think it's necessary because I'm like, I got away from that. I'm in my own space. You know, we've definitely haven't had, like, moments like that in a couple years. And I just feel like ever since I've got older, moved out, I'm on my own. It's like I kind of just do my own thing, you know? Like, she was touring my apart apartment the other day. She's going in my closet. She sees nothing but babies. He's purses. And I'm not even hiding it because it's like, girl, I pay my own rent. I do my own thing. I don't get help from anyone. I don't really care about your opinion anymore. And so I honestly also just feel like she doesn't even deserve that conversation from you. Because if you didn't just support me whenever I first came out to you, you didn't support who I was. Like, I feel like there's not even any point in talking about that with you, honestly.
- [25:32]
B
Did you ever feel guilty for, you know, putting those boundaries and also putting yourself first over the relationship? Did you ever feel, you know, as son guilty for pushing your mom back even though you knew you were in the right?
- [25:46]
A
Honestly, not at all. Because I'm all about protecting my peace. I always put me first place. It's the most important thing about me is I always, always do what is best for me. I'm never, ever going to stick around somewhere where I feel unwanted, disrespected, and I always just put me first. And so I never really felt guilty about that. There's it's my life. Like, what's wrong with putting you first?
- [26:05]
B
What was it like healing from that relationship? Because, you know, even though you can be like, you know, it's always about my peace. But at the end of the day, this piece peace, you're having this peace at the cost of not having that great relationship with your mom, which I'm sure that in the perfect world, everyone and yourself would want a perfect relationship. You know, what was it like healing from that relationship? Did you have to, like, forgive her?
- [26:29]
A
Me and my mom, we fought a lot in the whole entire middle school era. We fought every single day up until sophomore year. We fought every single day. And I remember the thing that kind of killed us arguing and stuff like that was my stepdad and my brother. They both went away. It was just us four in the house. And my brother went to go play basketball overseas. My stepdad went to go work in Louisiana. And so it was just me and her in the house for like a year. And so it was like, no outside voices. We don't have to always talk to each Other we don't have to, you know, sit at the table and eat dinner together every day. And so I feel like as time just went on, the distance kind of mended our relationship a lot. And also, you know, my dad was filling those gaps for sure. My dad. You would think that as a straight, white male, my dad would be the one to be like, oh, no, you're gay versus a black woman. Like, you're a double minority, just like me. And so it's like, I thought that she would be, you know, just as, you know, respecting of it, but for her to be the complete opposite. I kind of didn't really think that it was my fault or anything. Like, I never felt too harsh about it. And so I was pretty easy on the healing process. For me, healing is just distance, distance and time. And, you know, just being to yourself is the number one way to heal. Learning how to live with yourself and not care about what. What other people have to say or what other people might think.
- [27:40]
B
Have you ever felt, you know, gas lit by her? Because I feel like, you know, as parents, it's kind of very hard and confusing, you know, And I can say this in my point of view as well. Like, sometimes you want to be like, no, you know, this is not okay. This is not how a parent should be treating, you know, their kid. But then there goes your parent trying to gaslight you into, like, making your feelings not feel validated. Did you feel like you had a lot of that going on with her?
- [28:05]
A
Definitely. My mom feels like we owe her just, like, everything. She's like, oh, well, we birthed you, so you owe me this and you owe me that. And even to this day, I'm not gonna lie, my mom, it sucks to say this, but she is honestly a very materialistic person. And she's like, I remember when I was in Italy a couple months ago, I FaceTime her and I'm like, oh, like, did you want this keychain with your name on it? She's like, do they have a Prada? And growing up in 8th grade and stuff like that, I made a viral dance with my friend the Updance by Cardi B. And I was, you know, on Jimmy Fallon. I was getting. I was in LA a lot, and I was doing interviews. I was in Ghana and Young Duck music video for Ski. And just that whole era, like, she was my momager. And I still to this day don't think that I touched the money that I really made from that because she.
- [28:51]
B
Was, like, controlling everything, right?
- [28:53]
A
And I had a dance With Fortnite. And it was like, I don't know, it was so weird because as years went by, it was like, oh, how much did I have from Fortnite mommy? And she's like, oh, you have this much. Like, 15,000, 10,007. And I'm like, 10,000, like, girl.
- [29:09]
B
And I'm not seeing any of it.
- [29:11]
A
Yeah, it was like, really weird. And then I remember whenever I moved out, she's like, oh, like, you know, I'm going to take your Fortnite money. We're going to use this on all your pots and pans and your couch and your rug and this and that. And she's being stingy with my money. And to this day, my mom, I don't know, she just gets really weird about money. I don't really like it at all. And I've had that conversation with her a couple times. Like, I feel like they're hoeing me out of my money and stuff like that. And she's always just like, you know, very deflective, very like, I don't need your money. Da, da, da, da. But it's like, girl, every year for Christmas, you want Gucci, Prada, Louis. And it's like, you're just very materialistic.
- [29:46]
B
Do you think that's hard for you as a son to be able to, like, try to hold your parents accountable? Because I feel like as kids we try to do that because I feel like parents. You know, it happens a lot where I feel like some parents can think they do no wrong this time of year.
- [30:02]
A
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- [30:31]
B
My dad taught me a lot, including how easy it is to forget to cancel things. So I downloaded Experian, my bff. Big financial friend. Experian could help me cancel my unused subscriptions and lower my bills, saving me hundreds a year. Get started with the Experian app today. Your big financial friends here to help you save smarter. Results will vary. Not all bills or subscriptions eligible. Savings not guaranteed. $631 a year average savings with one negotiations and one plus cancellations paid membership with connected payment account required. See experian.com for details. Experience. But they do, you know, was it hard for you to try to, you know, grow the courage to be like, you know what, Mom? That's not okay. I don't like how you're treating me. I don't like how you're moving. Has that been hard for you as a son?
- [31:13]
A
Not gonna lie. Not at all. I'm a very. Like, I say exactly how I feel. I'm a confrontational individual. If someone's making me uncomfortable, if someone's disrespecting me, if I feel like someone's playing me, I'm always gonna speak up. Like, I have no problem with speaking my voice up or anything like that, especially if it's for my better, you know, doing. And so I definitely. That's why we argue so much. Because I don't take bullshit. I don't, like. I don't care for my mom. I don't care for my teacher. I don't care who the hell you are. If you're being disrespectful, if you have, like, something wrong with you and I'm not fudgeing with it and it's not doing me right, I'm going to speak up. And that's why we fought so much.
- [31:45]
B
Would you want a better relationship? If so, what do you think needs to be healed and fixed for you guys to be able to, like, communicate and just have a better, you know, mother and son relationship?
- [31:57]
A
I feel like now we definitely have such a better relations relationship. Like, it's very emotional for me to talk about this because it's just like, I love her so much. That's my mom. And, like, whenever she sits there and she hugs me, she cries to me, she tells me her pains and stuff like that. I'm like, damn. Like, girl, I love you. And then sometimes I think about the bad times and I'm like, damn. Like, why'd you do me like that? But not gonna lie, I feel like our relationship is honestly the best it's gonna get right now. Because I feel like the one thing missing in our relationship is to fact that I still kind of haven't talked to her about boys. So ever since I told her that I was gay and stuff like that, that kind of went away. And I'm not gonna lie, this may sound crazy. My mom does not know I'm gay right now. She has no idea. She thinks that that was a phase. She thinks that I did it for attention online.
- [32:41]
B
Like, she's in denial about it.
- [32:42]
A
Absolutely in denial. She thinks that I have a girlfriend. I have a best friend. She thinks I'm dating her. Like, my stepdad tells me all this stuff, and he's. He's like, yeah. Like, she literally thinks that you're in a relationship with that girl. And I'm like, that's so crazy. But I'm like, I'm just let her think her whatever keeps her happy. You know what I mean? But I think the one thing definitely missing from our relationship is that I can't talk to her about boy problems. I can't talk to her about this guy or that guy. Like, it's just like. That's like a big part of, you know, being friends with someone, telling them about your relationships, your dating life, and the fact that I can't come to her, tell her about any of that is definitely the missing key in our relationship.
- [33:17]
B
Like, she'd have to accept who you really are exactly. As a person for you guys to even be able to, like, start. Start having that good relationship that I'm.
- [33:26]
A
Sure you seek 100. Because I'm not gonna lie. My mom, she loves me, and I love her too. But I feel like she's in love with the version that she created to me in her head. She thinks I'm like, some straight guy that, you know, of course I'm doing good things for myself. I moved out, I have my own car, I do my own things and stuff like that. So of course she's proud of that. She loves that. But growing up especially, she definitely thought of me as, like, the straight guy that played baseball that was good at what he did and all this stuff. Stuff. And that's what she likes. And honestly, the same with my dad too. But my dad has got definitely way better about the whole gay stuff as well. And I feel like my dad knows now. I don't really hide it from him at all because he's got so much more chill. And it's crazy that it's still so shocking to me that my dad doesn't care, but my mom does.
- [34:07]
B
Yeah. And you see it be the opposite a lot. You know, you see a lot of the time the mom be more supportive versus the dads, you know, because we have machismo or we just have, you know, men being men, and, you know, it sucks. What piece of advice can you give anyone watching right now that is having a rocky relationship with their mom or their dad or maybe both parents? What piece of advice can you give them?
- [34:32]
A
I would say don't let them get the best of you. If they're, you know, trying to tear you down, if they're trying to, you know, belittle you, make you feel like you're less than or make you feel like you're just not up to par with whatever child that they would have wanted, don't let that get to you. Remember that this is your life and you have every right to do or say whatever you feel. You just got to wait till you're of age and you got to make something happen. You know what I mean? If you're in that bad situation where your parents and you just have a rocky ass relationship, you, I hate to say this, but you really have to just wait it out, stick it out, trust the process, because I promise you guys, better is on the way.
- [35:05]
B
And I love what you said, that whether you're not the child they wish they would have had, it doesn't matter because you are your own person. Because sometimes a lot of parents, you know, they want to live through their children. It's like, you could have done that with your life. But I'm a whole different human being.
- [35:19]
A
Absolutely. I feel like my dad and I, we definitely struggle with that because my dad was always like an athlete and he wanted me to play baseball. I was actually really good at baseball. I had a couple, you know, full ride scholarship offers when I was literally just a sophomore. I was a starting pitcher on varsity. I was doing it. But I also just felt like that community wasn't really, for me. It's nothing but straight white men. I can't even post, like in a crop top or anything without the whole team being up in a flare. When I would be pitching and stuff, like, you know, people would shout slurs at me from the dugout and it was just like, not my crowd at all. And so it was a very difficult conversation to have with, you know, my parents. Like, you know, I just don't think baseball is for me because also my brother, he plays basketball overseas. He played in college. He's very successful. He's very, very like sports, athlete, manly, all this. And I'm just, you know, in my own completely different lane, But I'm still successful. I did it my own way. And I feel like you just have to trust the process and you also.
- [36:08]
B
Have to trust yourself. Because I feel like a lot of the time, you know, as a son or a daughter, we tend to, like, do whatever we think our parents are gonna approve of or whatever. You know, we think like, oh, my God, you know, they're gonna love this. Or like, maybe I should go to school or graduate in this area because that's what my parents want me to be. But it's like, no, what do you wanna do? What do you wan to do with your life? Because at the end of the day sounds so sad, but this is one thing I've always said because my dad was very machista growing up. Even though he would never tell me any like, you know, gay slurs directly to me, he would always make it known that like, it wasn't okay. And to me, as I got older, I was like, no, like you already lived your life miserable or not. You made your choices, let me make mine. And if my life turns out great, good for me. If it doesn't, it's shame on me, you know what I mean? But then I won't be able to like blame it on anyone because I did and followed with my heart. We talk a lot about your coming out story and I want to talk a little bit more about that. What was that like growing up? When did you realize you were different than the rest of the kids? What was your gay awakening?
- [37:14]
A
Honestly, my gay awakening, it was sad. It was a sexual assault story. I was in seventh grade and there was this guy and I had some like, weird attraction to him. I didn't know like what it was. I didn't know if I was gay. I didn't know. But I just really wanted to be his friend. Friend. And I just yearned so long to be his friend for some reason. I remember it was the day that we're letting out for Thanksgiving break. This was November of 2019 and I think I was 12 years old. And I remember us both having to use the restroom. And it was about five minutes before we released. We released at 4:05, it was exactly 4:00 clock and we were sitting in the gym and it was athletics period. So we went to the bathroom to use the restroom, whatever, like that. I'm washing my hands and it was so weird. It sounds crazy, but I just remember him being like, chris, look. And we're in the bathroom and he pulls out his dick and I'm looking at him like, what the hell? Like I'm 12 years old. I've never seen nothing like this in real life. Like, this is scary to me. And he's like, you know, like, can you suck it? And I'm like, no. Like I'm so.
- [38:15]
B
You were scared?
- [38:16]
A
Yeah, Like, I'm so sorry. Like, I just can't. I don't know if I like this. I don't know if I hate this. I. But at the end of the day, we're too young for this. Like, I'm so sorry. I can't not. And he basically was just like.
- [38:28]
B
They do it.
- [38:29]
A
He was really, really strong. He was, like, the strongest guy in our grade. He was, like, the jock, like, all this stuff. And he basically ended up forcing me to do so. And I was for, like, probably 10 seconds, and I just started crying. And I was so ashamed. I was so embarrassed. I was like, whoa. Like, am I gay now? Because, mind you, I also had a lot of gay rumors going on for me in the school. And this is like, the bell had just recently rang. So everyone's leaving. Like, the coaches aren't even in the locker room. All the kids are leaving. The teachers are leaving. Thanksgiving break. Everyone's out. And I just remember, like, there's no one to help me. And we're all the way in the back of this locker room, and I'm screaming. I'm like, someone please help me. Like, please, please, please. No one heard anything. And I finally just got up, and I just ran out, and I started crying. I went to my friends and started crying, and I told them, like, what had just happened to me. And it sounded crazy because we're, like, 12 years old. We're in seventh grade. Great. And it's like, what do you mean someone made you do that?
- [39:22]
B
Like, did people not believe you?
- [39:24]
A
No one believed me, and no one believed me to the point where it became a thing where people would talk about it around school. And I remember that whole Thanksgiving break, all I did was think about it. Every day I woke up, I thought about it before I went to sleep. I thought about it throughout the day. I thought about it, and I was like, whoa. Like, I don't know how to feel about this. And honestly, it just, like, made me search up, like, porn. And, like, you know, I was like, I want to see, like, what is going on with this? Like, I don't even know what this is, is. And it made me a very hypersexual individual at such a young age. At 13, 14 years old, I just became very hypersexual. And it was a very, like, big part of my life in that era. 8th and 9th grade and 10th grade even, too. I was just constantly, you know, like, linking with people I had no business linking with. I was with older people, too. It was people that were, like, in their 20s. And grinder. Like, Grindr stuff. Like, yeah, like, I was on Grindr at 13, 14 years old, and it was just a Result of me being, you know, sexually assaulted at such a young age. Age. And that's whenever I started, you know, having more experiences with guys. And it just, you know, kind of made me like a hoe, essentially, at such a young age. And I still get shame for that to this day, because I don't know if you know this, but those people like, that I would link up with, they're like, oh, let me record you. Let me do this, let me do that. And they're recording me, and I'm not thinking anything of it. I'm like, I don't really care. You know what I mean? And then I get to, like, sophomore year, junior year of high school, I start young YouTube, and I start, you know, posting more on there. And all of a sudden, all of these videos just surface on Twitter, on the Internet and everything, and everyone's like, oh, Chris, you're a hoe. You're this, you're that. And mind you, it's like my junior year, I'd already healed and moved on from this. I don't even do this anymore. And I'm like, what the. Yeah, it was the scariest thing ever. I still kind of struggle with that till this day. Like, I mean, I don't struggle with it, but, like, people still. Still will, you know, surface things.
- [41:17]
B
You panic. Maybe even now, you're like, oh, my God, Like, I hope that video doesn't get surfaced.
- [41:21]
A
Right? But thankfully, now I don't really care, because it's like when you moved on from something and whenever you're com. You know, for sure you're done with that era of your life, it can't really affect you because it's like, girl, y' all can talk all out of y' all want. I know why I did what I did. I know what made me, you know, act that way, and I know that I'm over that. And so, yeah. And so for people who try to shame me for that, shame on you, honestly. Because a lot of trauma did come from that whole entire. Just, like me being a hypersexual experience. And I can, you know, gladly say, I moved on, but honestly, I just want to say to any young gays out there, do not download that app. Do not get Ms. G. Do not get Grindr. It's not good for you. It will not help you in the long run. It's not good. And just stay away from it.
- [42:04]
B
Honestly, you know, going back a little bit to your essay story, you know, after it happened, you know, you mentioned that you went to tell your friends no one believed you. You did. The person ever, you know, hit you back up, like, hey, what the hell are you doing? And how did it feel in that moment to not be believed even though you knew you were telling, you know, no lies? How did that affect your confidence? How did that affect, you know, the person you were growing up in that era of your life?
- [42:31]
A
Oh, honestly, it killed me because whenever I was Thanksgiving break, all I did was eat, like, think, dream, sleep all about him. All I could think about was him. It could not leave my mind. And I just ended up having, like, some crazy, weird obsession with him. And this is, like, again, November 2019. This is right before COVID started. And I ended up just, like, being super obsessed with him. It was so weird. And I just remember December. The next month, we started hanging out. We went to the mall. He bought me a hoodie. I wore the hoodie to school whenever we came back from winter break. Now this is January 2020, and when I wore the hoodie to school, he called me slurs in the hallway, told me that he would, you know, kill me, and just was super embarrassed. And then a couple weeks later, we both ended up wearing blue to school in the hallways, like, I'm gonna burn this shirt. I cannot believe I'm matching with a gay person. And then he tells everyone, like, oh, he's lying, and he's this and that. And I just felt so, like, unseen. I was bullied every single day in seventh grade. Everyone was just, like, having their opinions on me. Everyone's like, oh, you're a liar. You're gay. You're this, you're that. And he just made me, like, so, so, so ashamed of myself, and I hated it. And I just remember Covid came around March, a couple months later, and then it got to April, and in April, I was like, okay. Like, I'm kind of realizing, like, I like this guy. That's. That's what that was. That whole time, I like this guy. And I'm also realizing I don't even remember the last time that I liked a girl. And I'm thinking, like, okay, you know, when quarantine started, I'm looking at other guys and stuff like that. I'm. I'm like, okay. Like, I like this. I do like this. And so. But I'm like, I think I still like girls, though. So I remember when I was about 12 years old, April 2020, I was at my grandma's house. It was like 4am and I was like, it. I' ma just do it. So I went Live on Instagram. I probably had, like, 400 people in the Live or something like that. I've been doing social media since I was, like, 12 or. No, honestly, like 10 or 11.
- [44:25]
B
Yeah.
- [44:26]
A
And so I had, like, a whole bunch of people in here just watching me, and I. I'm like, guys, I'm bisexual. And I just did it. And it was, like, really scary. Everyone was really, really supportive, like, my fan base and stuff like that. But I remember my mom's friends were actually on the Live, and so they sent it to her, and my mom asked me about it, and I was like, no. Like, I'm not gay. Like, I swear, Like, I'm not gay. I was just literally like, I can't. And I was so freaking embarrassed. And I was just like, I swear, like that I was just kidding.
- [44:56]
B
Yeah.
- [44:57]
A
And it was just like, I don't know. My dad and my mom both found out about the Live, but I just denied, denied, denied. I don't know what they think about that to this day, but that's what I. That's what I did was deny. But back to the guy. So quarantine hit, obviously, and, you know, we switched to online classes. So we ended up actually having this online class together in about April. And we got on this Google Meet, and it was just me and him in the. The teacher there. The teacher stepped away for a second because at this point, it was optional. Like, it was just like, okay, if you want to go, go. But I was a goody two shoes. I was a really good kid. And he actually wasn't. So I don't know why the hell he was in there. But I remember both in the Google Meet and him asking me like, oh, do you play Fortnite? And I was like, I do. And he was like, well, let's play. And we played and everything, and it was so cool. But then he blocked me. He blocked me on everything. And I just. I didn't understand it. Like, I don't know what the hell. I don't know what the hell I did.
- [45:48]
B
Do you think he was like, DL.
- [45:50]
A
Oh, girl, we're about to get there.
- [45:51]
B
Okay.
- [45:52]
A
And so fast forward now. I'm in eighth grade, and it's December 2020, like, Christmas break. I get a random call from a random number. I'm like, who the hell? It's him. He confesses his love for me, and he's like, I'm not gonna lie. I've been in love with you for, like, the past two years. Like, I want you. Like, I'm not gonna Lie. You made me realize, like, I, like. I don't even like boys, but I like you. He's like, I don't know why, but I'm just so attracted to you. You. And he's asking me to hang out. He's like, can we do this? Can we do that? And I'm like, what the. Like, I did not know how to feel. That was my first, like, ever, like, DL, like, experience anything like that. I didn't understand it. And I just remember, like, kind of being like, nah, like, you did me wrong. Like, get out my face. Let's fast forward a little bit more. Now we're in, like, freshman year, and it's the summer of freshman year to sophomore year. This is right after I, you know, kind of was being fast and I was being very hypersexual and everything like that, so. So now I'm not scared of dick no more. And I remember he hit me up and he was like, I'm in town for the summertime because he ended up moving to Dallas a couple hours away to go play football. And he hit me up whenever he was back in Houston. He's like, oh, I'm staying with my grandma, and stuff like that. Like, you can come over and. Girl, I saw him every single day that whole entire summer. All I did go over there, go over there, go over there. And we'd spend all day together, every Sunday together, fell in love, made soul ties, everything, like, showered together, all that type of stuff. And that was my first ever, like, experience of, like, really liking someone. But to him, it was just sexual interaction and just getting his dick wet.
- [47:22]
B
Like, he was never trying to come out.
- [47:24]
A
Never. No, no, no, no.
- [47:26]
B
Hard.
- [47:26]
A
Definitely, like, he was like, definitely like a. His family was from, like, the hood and stuff like that. They're, like, very hyper masculine, and they didn't play none of that gay shit at all. So he could never, ever come out or never do anything like that. So it was always just kept as, like, a thing. But I remember one time, it was probably like 2:00am I was just, like, laying down with him and stuff like that. We're kissing, and then I look at his phone, and he's on the phone and, like, the contact. It's, like, on mute, and the camera's off, and the freaking contact name is like, baby with, like, a ring. And I'm like, who the fuck?
- [48:01]
B
I know that's not. I'm like, contact scene.
- [48:03]
A
No. I'm like, who the hell is this? And I blocked him on everything. I stopped talking to him. And not going to lie, I've been doing guys the worst way since.
- [48:11]
B
Have you watched. It's a really brand new show. Heated rivalry.
- [48:15]
A
I've heard of it. Oh, my gosh, it's so good.
- [48:18]
B
It is really good. Me and my boyfriend started watching it and we, like, loved it. It is a little. Okay. If you guys are gonna take this recommendation, keep in mind that you guys will see ass, no dick, and naked men, because no dick.
- [48:32]
A
Yeah, I'm not watching. No.
- [48:36]
B
But it's crazy the way it's filmed though. Like, it is very like soft porn almost. It's crazy. But the thing with that show, there's like a storyline of. It's about hockey players. Go watch it, you guys. But one of the hock. He's closeted DL, right? He meets this guy and they fall in love. But it gets to the point where like, the DL hockey guys, like, oh, I can't fucking come out. Like, there's no way I'm going to come out. I'm a fudgeing professional hockey player. Like, I have a lot to lose, right? So then the guy, the coffee guy, I think it was like a juice shop. That's where they met. He was very troubled where he's like, fudge do I really like. They wouldn't even go out to, like, the store or anywhere because the guy didn't want to be seen with another guy, especially if the guy looked gay. Right? And it got to the point that the. The season finale actually had a good ending. Go watch. I'm not going to spoil it. But it got to the. Where I'm trying to go with this story is it got to the point where the guy was like, I don't know if I want to do this. Like, yeah, I'm attracted. And I love this guy too, but he's DL and that's too much for me because I want to be out and about and proud of the person I love. But this person doesn't want that because of X, Y and Z. Now in your life now, is that something that you struggle with? Like with DL's or you like, no, I am not doing D. I'm only doing it for the funds and giggles, but not to be in love.
- [49:55]
A
Girl, when I tell you I was in high school, I hung around a lot of straight guys. I'm sure you've seen before. I've hang out with a lot of straight guys. I still do to this day, but in high school, girl, them straight guys were like, overly going. And I used to just. But I Knew my place. I knew my place. I wasn't no dummy. Like, I already had that first ever experience with the guy I ever taught me everything I needed to know about DL men, straight men that, you know, have a little line that curves for you, all that type of stuff. And I used them for my own pleasure, girl. I used them the way I needed to use them. Same way they were, you know, getting their pleasure, I was getting mine. And that was all that was. But not gonna lie, I do think that that had such a big impact on me, because to this day, I have literally only gone in public with a man one time ever, and I regret it. It was the worst thing ever. So I remember I actually went to Boston in September of this year, and I was. Went to go see Cali Uchis. I went to this concert with this guy that I was kind of, you know, talking to. I liked him a lot. And, you know, we went there. It was super cool. And. But actually, people that I was meeting, like, of course my supporters that I was interacting with there, they ended up finding his Instagram DMing him. Like, paragraphs of like, oh, if you, you know, break Chris Howard, we're gonna break your face. And all this stuff. And this is just a rant. Like a regular guy that goes to college. He's like, because your fans go hard. They do. They are so parasocial, social. It's, like, scary.
- [51:13]
B
It's a blessing, but also scary. Yes.
- [51:16]
A
Like, y' all don't play about me, but y' all gotta chill out sometimes. And they basically ruined that for me. They were texting him, following him, like, sending him threats and all this stuff. And he's like, damn. Like, I just wanted to go to a concert with some guy I liked. And he wasn't DL or anything either. Like, it was super, like, regular, super casual. He ended up just asking me, like, oh, can you just unfollow me on your main account? Like, people keep finding me and stuff like that. That I'm just like, damn, like, if I can't even follow you on my main account, I know this isn't, you know, yeah, that's not a good thing. It's not gonna go anywhere. So after that, I kind of just stopped talking to him. But that was my one and only time I've ever, you know, gone in public with a guy. I still have never been on a date. I don't even count that as a date, honestly. I still have never been on a date with a man, like, in public or anything. To this day, the Only time that I've ever interacted with men besides that has always been inside of four walls. It's very, very sad, but I'm just scared of. Of, like, you know, either my supporters ruining it for me or like, a guy not wanting to be loved out loud or, like, you know, honestly, me, I'm scared to be loved out loud.
- [52:12]
B
Is it also hard to date having such an online presence because you also don't know if these guys really want you for you or just want you for your clout?
- [52:19]
A
Absolutely. I don't know if guys want me for what I have or if they want me for me. And so, honestly, that's why a lot of the times I find myself just, like, always telling myself, oh, you know what? I'm just going to end up marrying or being with the one guy I've ever taken seriously, and he actually lives out here. Actually, I haven't seen him, so don't. Don't start. I have not seen him in years, but I talked to him on and off for, like, three years, and I actually cut him off. Whenever I started YouTube. I was like, you know, I want to do better for myself, and you take up a lot of my time. I do love you. I really do like you. But I have to cut this off because I want to make a life for myself and I have to put me first. But we'll reconnect. We always promised that we're going to reconnect. We still did promise that.
- [52:57]
B
But if it's meant to be, it's going to be.
- [52:59]
A
Absolutely. And, you know, we've also, you know, I think he actually is in a relationship right now, but anything could happen.
- [53:06]
B
What if that doesn't work out? And it'll work out with you?
- [53:08]
A
Yeah, you never know. I mean, I'm not going to, like, prey on someone else's man. Like, I'm not tripping. But we know what's meant to be will always be, and I live by that. Everything happens for a reason. And honestly, that's still, to this day, the only guy that I really do trust. Because I know you wanted me before I was even Chris Cotter. You wanted me when I was just. I was just Chris. I like a guy who's unknown. If we're talking, like, my type, I don't like anyone who's online because if you're online and you're. I can. I'm so sorry. I cannot be with, like, a man who, like, posts tick tocks or anything like that. And it sounds ironic because of course, I do It. But like, it's like, it's my job.
- [53:41]
B
Especially the thirst traps.
- [53:42]
A
Yeah. Oh, don't even get me started. I cannot like a guy posting a thirst trap or anything like that. Like, obviously for attention from hoes or anything like that is the most unattractive thing ever. I constantly cut off guys for that on. And I like, if you post like yourself shirtless in the mirror and you put like a camera, cutest.
- [53:56]
B
See it if I don't know you.
- [53:57]
A
Yeah, exactly.
- [53:58]
B
No, literally, it's like, you can.
- [54:01]
A
But like, if you're mine, like, no shade back up, like, don't post no shit like that. And they always be like, oh, well, you post this and you go out in booty shorts and you do that. I'm like, bitch, I get paid for this. You're doing it for free. You're doing it for attention. That's the difference.
- [54:13]
B
Yeah.
- [54:14]
A
And I like mine to just be, like, very unattainable. I like mine inaccessible. I like mine to be unknown. I like mine to just be a regular person. I'm not looking for anyone that has a following. I'm not looking for anyone that has a lot of money. I'm looking for someone who's just genuine and just does their own thing.
- [54:29]
B
And I know you'll find someone. You know, going back to your coming out, you tell us a little bit about how you came out to your mom and a lot of people saw how you came out to your dad. I actually saw that video. If you guys don't know what I'm talking about, I'll put a little video right here. But you actually came out to your dad on a YouTube video, very off guard. I watched it and I was like, oh, my God. Like, I even was getting like, tension for you. Or I was like, oh, my God, I hope this goes good. Like, what the hell? What was that like, you know, coming out to your dad on camera? Were you scared of him saying, like, the wrong things? You know, because you were also thinking like, oh, this is going to go online.
- [55:06]
A
Yeah.
- [55:07]
B
What was that whole experience like, oh.
- [55:08]
A
Girl, I did it on camera to protect myself. Because I'm like, okay, if I do it on camera, like, you can't even have that of a reaction for real. But I feel like there was definitely, like, suspect because, girl, I leave the house all the time and, like, skims tops and I leave in, like some little booty shorts. Like, you know, I feel like he really honestly knew what was was up. And to this day, me and my dad have still never had Like a conversation of, oh, I am gay, or, like, I like boys, or I'm seeing this boy. But I'm pretty sure my dad knows now. Like, we were just at dinner, like, last week with me and my friends, and one of my friends slipped up and was talking about a guy I talked to, and my other friend was like. Like, why'd you say that? And he's like, I think you're good, girl. And I'm like, okay, you know what? Like, I think I'm good, too, because my dad didn't even trip. He didn't have a reaction or nothing like that. Of course, like, you know, I told him I was gay and so stuff like that. But I still just don't. I don't see myself ever bringing a guy home. And it's really sad, but I just don't really see myself bringing a guy around my family for multiple different reasons. But I feel like the main reason is also because y' all didn't support me being gay when I needed it the most. So why would I invite you guys to this private and such sacred part of my life of me actually having someone that loves me out loud, someone that cares for me, like, me having a boyfriend, And I'm just like. I feel like. Like, if you weren't there for me, being a little gay boy struggling, going through, liking that deal, man, why do you deserve to be there for when I'm actually happy and loved out loud?
- [56:25]
B
You know? What piece of advice can you give anyone watching right now who are currently trying to come out and might feel like, one, they won't be accepted, or two, where they might feel like it's hard for themselves to accept who they are.
- [56:36]
A
Honestly, I feel like if you don't want to come out, let me tell you something, you absolutely don't have to. Like, it doesn't always have to be an announcement, in my opinion. I feel like you should just be able to. Do you. You know, straight people don't have to come out and be like, oh, I'm straight. I'm heterosexual. I like girls. You know what I mean? Like, that doesn't mean you have to always make it an announcement or a, you know, a PSA or anything like that. Just do you. Whoever finds out, finds out. You know what I mean? Just be yourself. You don't always have to just make everything such a big deal. It's not a big deal to be gay. It's really not. Like, you just like what you like. And I feel like, just follow your heart, do what you please. And whoever, you know, you feel comfortable sharing that side of you with, that's completely your business. As long as you know who you are and you're accepting of yourself and you're comfortable with it, that's all that matters.
- [57:17]
B
I love that because I do feel we're in a society where you almost have to, like, announce what and who you are for people to, one take you serious or people to, like, have a confirmation. No one needs a confirmation of who you are or what you want to be. Live your own life. Like, these people are not giving you tabs of what they're doing with their lives. So why the Are you gonna be like, yeah, I just someone yet. No, live your life. And like you said, it's like, if you want to be openly gay, yeah, go do your thing. But you don't have to be explaining yourself to family members, especially to people that, like, genuinely aren't asking because they care or want to know. It's more of a confirmation, right?
- [57:54]
A
They always want to just be in your business. Like, no one's genuinely asking you or, like, wants to know, like, you know, what you have going on because they care about it. It's always just, like, they want to be messy. And it's like, are you gay?
- [58:03]
B
Where's the girl? No, you're trying to get the tea out of me.
- [58:07]
A
Like, no, she's messing for you.
- [58:09]
B
I feel like it's very scary. I feel like, for us, you know, to live in a world where homophobia still exists, you know? Have you ever been caught up in a situation where, you know, being who you are has gotten you into situations where you felt unsafe or where you felt like people were just coming at you because of your sexuality? If so, tell us a little bit more about that.
- [58:31]
A
Most definitely. So I remember it was actually the first day of high school, and I wore this, like, these pleated navy shorts, like, this little vest. You know, I wanted to get, like, a little cute, like, school vibe, whatever. And I didn't even realize that the shorts actually ended up looking like a skirt kind of. And, you know, I was joining baseball. You know, I was cool with the coaches and everything. Like, they knew I was good. They're ready to put me on varsity for my freshman year and all this stuff. So I knew I was set. But of course, you know, the teammates and stuff, they had a lot to say. So it was kind of just going around all day long, the first day of school, without me even knowing that all the baseball teammates were talking about, oh, some gay guys joining baseball. He wore a skirt to school today and all this stuff. And I actually ended up changing my seventh period right before baseball. Like, I changed to some basketball shorts. All because I was just like, damn. Like, why is everyone just, you know, saying something about it? Like, I just wanted to, like, change. And so I remember I was trying to, you know, open my locker, and one of the seniors came up to me and was like, hey, like, are you gay? And I was like, yeah. Like, what's the problem? Like, you know, I'm a very. Like, yeah. I don't believe in people belittling me. I don't believe in that. I always stand up for my. I'm like, what's up? Like, what's the problem?
- [59:31]
B
You want head or you want these? You want these? Why are you asking?
- [59:36]
A
And I'm like, girl, like, what's the problem? And he's just like, no. Like, we're just all talking about it. And he's like, like, are you even good at baseball? Like, what are you gonna bring to the team? And I'm like, bitch, I don't know. I just. Literally, I was like, get out of my face. And I'm just like, girl, you'll see. Like, don't even worry. But honestly, whenever I joined the baseball team, you know, fall ball, all the grades play together. So if you're on JV varsity, all that stuff, like, everyone plays together. And I remember it was like, the first game, and they put me onto pitch because the coaches, they knew I was. Was good. They knew, like, you know, what was up with me. And I went out there, three up, three down, did my damn thing, came out, and everyone was like, the gay kid's good. Like, whoa. Like, and everyone was just, like, patting me on the back. Like, everyone's like, well, like, he's actually really good. Like, go, him, whatever. And it was immediately just, like, I was cool with everyone. Like, everyone kind of. I felt like I really helped that team out because this is also 2021, and I feel like the people that were seniors at the time that I was, you know, most of my teammates, they entered high school in, like, 2017, 2016, and so they're not really that familiar with hanging around gay people, let alone a gay teammate.
- [60:40]
B
Yeah.
- [60:41]
A
And I feel like I actually. They all have told me that I've really helped them, like, you know, not think that gay people are, like, animals or, like, not think that we're, like, outcasts, like, regular people. We just like boys. Like, we can all be cool. And so it doesn't Mean, just because.
- [60:53]
B
I'm gay, I'm trying to.
- [60:54]
A
You absolutely. Like, absolutely. Like, just because I'm gay does not mean I'm attracted. Trust me. Especially the guy. It's always the ugly ones thinking that you.
- [61:05]
B
No man is looking at you.
- [61:06]
A
Like, hell no, girl, please. But I just remember there was this one teammate, and he was a jun. No, he was a great. Above me. He was a sophomore, and I was a freshman. He was also a pitcher, and he was so jealous of the fact that I was good. And, you know, people were always like, oh, like, I can't believe a gay person is going to be our starting pitcher. He's going to be our ace. He's going to be our number one. All this stuff like that. He hated it. And he literally would always talk shit about me to the coaches, always talk shit about me to the other teammates. And he. He would always just run his mouth like, I cannot. And I confronted him about it. I was like, look, you need to shut up talking about me. We are teammates. If you don't like me, that's fine. But we're gonna have, like, a good, you know, cordial relationship. Because then the day we play together, I'm pitching, and he was, like, in the outfield sometimes, too. So I'm like, just play. Do your thing. We don't have to be like, like, all each other.
- [61:55]
B
And if you're mad that I'm good, be better.
- [61:57]
A
Exactly, exactly. And, you know, people will always tease them about, oh, your replacement is a gay guy. That it is. So that, of course, kept him going even more. But I never really thought, get to my head, because, girl, at the end of the day, look who came out on top. He ended up going to, like, some, you know, little D3 baseball school. Whenever he went over there, he got cut. And everyone on the team, like, everyone over there was like, didn't you just go to school at Chris Cotter? Didn't you just go to school crowd? He will never escape me. But, baby, I don't hear shit about him.
- [62:22]
B
So he hears a lot about you.
- [62:24]
A
Probably. He probably watching this shit right now.
- [62:26]
B
Literally right now. He's probably watching making the shoe fit. I think it does suck, you know, because I feel like, you know, as gays or just anyone part of the LGBT community, I feel like people tend to either get so bothered by presence. Like, I've talked about this so many times when I was younger. I feel like now I don't think I've had, like, a crazy interaction other than, like, when I go to Clubs and, you know, I'm in full glam and I'm with like my straight girlfriends and guy friends and like, people just want to like, stare, like, try to start problems. I remember this one time, it was me, my boyfriend and Irma. We had gone to back in the day. I'm talking about like 2016, 2017 or 18 maybe. They used to have 24, seven Walmarts. And we used to always go, you know, we're like, oh, let's go. We were just like freshly 18, 19, like, let's go to Walmart. It's midnight, let's go. We go to Walmart at this time. I had purple hair. Y' all remember the purple hair? And I had just gotten my first set of nails. It was when, like the holographic nails were like, popular.
- [63:26]
A
You were feeling it.
- [63:27]
B
I was feeling it. My, My boyfriend had a. Also got in nails. He had, he had green hair. At the time, I think I had just gone like the. Remember when Kylie did like that pink? I was trying to copy her hairstyle and we had gone to Walmart and I was snapchatting. My boyfriend and my best friend were in the front and I was Snapchatting. And I just hear like a voice say, right? And I'm like, oh, okay, whatever. Like, I'm just gonna ignore it. Like, keep it walking, keep it cute. Like, keep it going. And I caught up to my friend and my boyfriend and I was like, like, like, come on, come on, let's like stay together. We're at the section. You know how Walmart has like those tubs of like those $5?
- [64:05]
A
Yeah.
- [64:05]
B
So we were there and here comes this guy. It was like a white guy with some girl. His girlfriend starts going off on us. My boyfriend was scared, I was scared. But I've also. I feel like I'm the type of person that even like when it comes to confrontation or like if someone doesn't like me, I'm scared. But I'm like, I'm not gonna be a. Like, if I could get my ass beat, like, at least I said something.
- [64:27]
A
Yeah, at least you put up a fire.
- [64:28]
B
My best friend, my boyfriend was quiet because the guy was going off like you guys, like literally belittling us. It's like 12:30 in the. midnight. There's not really a lot of people at Walmart. So it was literally like a one on one interaction. Point is go off on him. My best friend goes off on him. He even says that he's gonna hit her, he's gonna her up his girl Is literally, like, scared. Because I'm sure he. She deals with this on, like, the daily.
- [64:57]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [64:58]
B
Like, if he's over here saying he's gonna up a girl, like, I'm so sorry. I hope that's not happening to her.
- [65:03]
A
Yeah.
- [65:03]
B
You know, so we were, like, going crazy going off, and at the moment, I felt so, like, ballsy. I was like, oh, my God. That, like, I shut his ass up. But by the time we were leaving, we're like, oh, my God. What if motherfuckers like, waiting for us outside? Oh, you know, because you get scared.
- [65:19]
A
You're like, oh, my God.
- [65:20]
B
I just crazy, you know, clocked him. But then he's gonna clock me outside. I'm like. We had parked really far, too, so I was kind of scared. So I remember when we left the store, you guys. Yeah, we were all bark inside, but as soon as we walked out that Walmart door, we were running. I literally said, all right, grab your bags, and no matter what, babe, start opening the car from, like, far. Book it to the car. We left, but it was scary. And it's like, bro, like, why are you so pressed over? Like, one didn't even look at him when he fucking yelled that out before we even got to see his face. I couldn't even see where the sound came from. I just heard faggot. And I was like, oh, my God. I think he's referring to us. Like, what other faggots are here?
- [65:59]
A
I.
- [66:00]
B
It's me. But it's scary because it's like, what the fuck am I doing that gets you so pressed? We've been talking a lot about, you know, baseball and how it was, like, a big part of your life. I want to know a little bit more about that, you know, Tell us, how did you get into the sport? Did it feel at first like it was something that you wanted to do, or did it feel forced? And then eventually, you were also telling me that, you know, in high school, you did leave the team. Why did that happen? How did that go? And what was the aftermath for all of that?
- [66:28]
A
So I actually played a lot of different sports growing up. I played football, basketball, tennis, golf, baseball. Girl, I was in all of it. But I always was the best at baseball. My dad put me in literally everything. I was always in a whole bunch of sports camps growing up, like, every single summer until I was in high school, growing, I was always doing sports, and I was very, very good at baseball. I was a starting pitcher for every single team that I've ever played for. And When I got to high school, that's whenever, like, kind of everything changed because, you know, select ball. Growing up, everything was fun. Everything was, like, with your friends, and it was in the summertime and we're traveling and stuff like that. But when it gets to high school, sports get very serious and they become, like, very, like, strict and stuff like that. And so I remember being like, damn, like, girl, where's the fun? Like, all we do is get yelled at. We gotta come back from class sweaty as hell. Like, I hated that shit. Honestly, like, high school took so much fun out of the sport for me. So I played, you know, really good throughout high school. My freshman and sophomore year, I was on varsity, you know, got my letterman, everything. And then eventually I came to terms with myself that this isn't really what I wanted to do for myself, because, of course I enjoyed the sport, but I kind of lost my love for it. Whenever the coaches were just, like, always yelling, I was like, everything was too serious. I could not do it. And I'm just like, girl, this isn't even my coach community. Anyways, like I mentioned earlier, lots of straight white men dominated there. And, you know, my teammates would always do stuff without me. Like, they'd go watch like a UFC fight, or they would, like, go here after the game. And a lot of times I'd be left out because it's like, oh, well, you're gay.
- [67:49]
B
Like, you probably, like, you can't really.
- [67:51]
A
Relate to us and stuff like that. So I just felt like that wasn't really my place. And I remember just always wanting to, like, do something for myself and always just want to, like, do something that, you know, fed me as much as baseball fed. Fed them. And so I remember just being like, you know what? I got to take this risk on myself. I got to quit baseball because it took so much time away from me. I'm practicing until, you know, from like 2pm to like 8pm every day. I'm playing these games on the weekends. There's just so much and I need time to, like, figure something out. I didn't know what quite I wanted to do yet, but I was like, I gotta get out of this. And it was a very uncomfortable conversation to have with my family. Of course, you know, they love coming to my games, they love supporting me, watching me. And I just remember I was like, I gotta pull the trigger. So first day of junior year, I went in to my class after actually ghosting my whole. We had summer practices actually. And my sophomore junior year, I remember telling my dad I was like, I hate playing baseball for this high school. The coaches do the most. Everyone just yells. Everyone screams, I cannot do it. Like, let me play somewhere else or I'm quitting. And he said, okay, we're gonna sign you up to go to this new school that opened up. And I'm like, okay, bet. Like, I'm with that. So I start practicing with them, doing my thing over there, and my dad actually enrolled me with someone else's address that lived close over there, and they ended up calling my mom because my mom is considered the custodial parent under, you know, legal documentation. So they call her. They're like, hey, we're just letting you know, like, you know, Christopher just enrolled at this school and such. And such. Is that okay with you? And she's like, he doesn't live there. And they're like, huh? She's like, oh, yeah, no, he doesn't live over there. So go ahead and unenroll him. He doesn't belong there. He's done. I was like, what the hell? And honestly, girl, was a blessing in disguise, because guess what? If I couldn't play baseball over there, I had already ghosted my old school baseball, so there's no coming back from that either. So I'm like, thank God, girl. I'm done with that, all in all. So I remember coming back junior year and then being like, cotter, like, where you been? And I was like, we'll talk later. And I remember telling everyone in the class, like, before we walked in the classroom and stuff like that, like, y' all think I'm gonna quit. And honestly, it was crazy to quit back then. Like, I don't know why they're so serious, but it was, like, crazy. The fact that someone could quit is just, like, not.
- [69:59]
B
And also, you were so good. So, like, yeah, we need you.
- [70:02]
A
Yeah, yeah, that too. And I remember just being like, I'm gonna do it. So whenever class ended, everyone walked out, and I walked up to my head coach's desk, and I was like, hey. So I'm not gonna lie. I think I'm done with baseball. I think that this chapter of my life, it's time for it to close. I feel. I feel like it's not doing as much for me. And I also feel like, you know, I play a lot. I start. I take a lot. A lot of time away from other players who might actually want to do this. Like, I was also being considerate. I'm like, I'm not about to sit here for another year and take up yalls time. And it's like, y' all could be pitching other people who really want to go to college for this, but me personally, I just cannot envision myself on a college baseball team, let alone in the major league baseball team. Can you imagine if a gay person was playing? They would get. Especially as feminine as I am, they would get constantly, like, hated on.
- [70:46]
B
It would eat you up.
- [70:47]
A
Absolutely. And it's like, I'm not going anywhere. I. I feel uncomfortable. So I'm going to make my own lane. And that's exactly what I did. So later that year, my junior year was around Christmas time, and I remember just being like, damn, like, I got to figure something out. My second half of my junior year is coming up. I don't want to go to college. I cannot stand school. Like, I was really good at school, but girl, I'd rather for you. Absolutely. And so I'm like, I'm either going to be a realtor or I got to pick up social media again. Because I did do really good on social media for all of middle school and the first day of high school, my Tik Tok, with almost a million followers, deleted my Instagram 200,000 followers, deleted my dub smash. I had like 500,000 followers on there. And the Dub Smash app in general just got removed.
- [71:29]
B
Yeah.
- [71:29]
A
So I was like, girl, it's time to do something else. And so I remember I saved up all my Christmas money. I had like, I think $400 for Christmas. And I was like, I'm going to go to Best Buy. I bought me a camera and I was like, I'm going to work. And literally New year resolution for 2024 was become a YouTuber. And I did exactly that. And I. I bet it on myself and everything worked out. And I made literally like triple what I spent on that camera back in my first month of being monetized in like March. So. And ever since then, I've just been really consistent, you know, I've been very good at, you know, well, honestly starting it at 16.
- [72:01]
B
Yeah.
- [72:01]
A
I had to mature very young. I was always very mature for my age because I've always just been financially stable on my own. I never really asked my. My parents for shoes, clothes, and stuff like that. I was ordering my own food, ordering my own stuff in my room. I always had the independency inside of me. Me. And so I would always have to say no to, oh, this party or this hangout or this club. I'm like, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I Have to go film. I have to go edit. I have to go brainstorm, something like that. And so once I took that belt on myself and, you know, I took my time to really just invest in me, everything worked out.
- [72:34]
B
Did you have, you know, anyone from the team or maybe even the coaches be like, what the is he doing? He's really going to go. You know, you mentioned earlier that you. You also had, you know, scholarships for, you know, the sport already waiting for you. Did you ever have anyone, like, oh, he's so stupid. Like, why would he do this to himself? Or maybe even after you left, like, maybe some of the coaches, like, maybe talk about you still. Was that something that happened?
- [72:58]
A
Oh, absolutely. A lot of the people had a lot of mouth. They had a lot to say. And especially there was this one coach, my assistant coach, the pitching coach, actually, the one that I'm supposed to be, like, the closest to or whatever. He actually would always talk about me. Whenever I would leave, whenever it was like, my last year, he would constantly send me home from practices early. He'd be like, yeah, I could not stand him. I had to send him home early. And my teammates are telling me, like, he's talking about me when I'm leaving, sending me home early, saying stuff like, oh, I don't. I didn't want to see Cotter's face anymore today, so I sent him home early. I told him he could just do less work today and he can go. And it was. I'm so tired of just, like, being treated like I don't belong there. Like, I'm less. And so I remember I was actually in Italy earlier this year in August, and I remember my friend called me and was like, coach is talking about you. And I'm like, girl, how old are you? Like, girl, I graduated. I have not been involved in the damn baseball program since I was, like, 16, 15, actually. 15. And I'm sitting here like, what are you possibly saying about me? And apparently he's joking about if I was the homecoming king or the homecoming queen, and he's, you know, saying, like, things about gay people. I'd always hear things from my teammates to. Even my junior year, too. And during my senior year, like, why are you so obsessed with me? Like, it's so weird. But, you know, I look at his life, I look at mine, and I'm like, girl, I see exactly why you're pissed off. Like, he would come to school all the time, come to practices, hungover, will come. Like, just. He would always, like, have weird relationships with the girls. Too. Like, whenever there'd be, like, little kids and stuff like that, like, the high school girls, like, he would always go to the bar and they would, like, bartend him and stuff like that. And he would always have really weird, unusually close relationship with the girls. And I'm just like, yeah, you're someone that. I can't even care about your opinion or anything like that, because you're not anything I want to be at all. So why would I give a damn about what you got to say about me? And I just remember, you know, being like, oh, yeah, you got me fucked up. So, you know, I posted online, I was like, y', all, this is the school's number. You know, sending in your complaints, because this is quite literally discrimination. Like, you're over here trying to, like, discriminate me because of who I am, and that's just absolutely wrong. I don't stand for any of that, no matter what the situation is. You never come for some. Someone on behalf of their sexuality, their race, anything like that. It's just not appropriate.
- [75:03]
B
Did the school do anything?
- [75:05]
A
No, they did not take it seriously because I think there was so many people that were calling in, but, like, their inbox got full. And actually, my old principal ended up calling my mom and was like, hey, like, could you please get Chris to stop? Like, please. And, like, our inbox is full. Like, we have to stop answering calls. And, like, it's only thing that people are talking about at school. I'm still a topic to that day at this school. Like, and I know they hate it. They hate it. Like, I went to go pick up my transcript earlier because I was going to apply to college, which didn't work out because I did not feel like writing a damn essay. But it's okay, you know, there's still time for that. I remember walking in, you know, asking for my transcript, and the front desk, she immediately started, you know, rummaging through the papers, and she hints. She's like, your name's Chris, right? I was like, you know my name. Yeah, Smash that shit. Walked out. And, girl, I'm honestly excited to go because I have friends that are, you know, graduating this year in a couple months, and I'm excited to go.
- [75:56]
B
You're gonna be the talk of town.
- [75:58]
A
I know you've been the talk of. I still am. Like, I don't know why the fuck they're so obsessed with me at that school, but that's all they talk about is Chris Carter.
- [76:06]
B
You know, you've mentioned about how you started social media. You Started doing it. Do you feel like social media has almost given you even more confidence to be truly who you are? Because now you don't really have to hide any parts of yourself.
- [76:19]
A
110%. I feel like social media definitely is just a room for everyone. You know, if you are someone that's interested in sports, there's a side for that. If you like drag, there's a side for that. If you like a dance, there's a side for that. Like, everyone just kind of in their own little rooms, you know what I mean? So there's not really, like, a force to see. Like, you only see what you interact with, if that makes sense. Like, your algorithm is completely based on whatever you're interacting with. So obviously, if I'm coming across someone's page, you clearly like shit that I do. Like, you like type of stuff that I do. And so I feel like definitely it helps. Has allowed me to be way more confident in myself because I have people reminding me every day, like, you're not like, you're that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Like, you're a confident, young, individually made shit happen for yourself. You look good. Like, you do what you can for yourself and you help out others around you. Like, you know what I mean? I can't really be disappointed in my. Who I am anymore, but it's like, I also have hundreds of thousands of people telling me that I'm, you know, a good person.
- [77:15]
B
And I feel like a lot of people and the reason why a lot of your, you know, supporters are so die hard is because they see themselves in you. A lot of them like, oh, hell, no. That's. I would do this in that situation. So they, like, right at dawn for you, you know, what do you feel like are the pros and the cons of social media?
- [77:34]
A
I feel like the pros are definitely. Whenever they stand for you, they ride for you. If you're in, like, drama, if you're in this, you're in that. They're gonna ride for me. They don't play about me. And I love y' all my poos. I don't play about shot. I love, love you guys so much, and I feel like that's the number one thing that I really cherish is our. How close we are. Because I share so much of my life with them. Even like this right now, like, I'm getting very deep. Like, I'm sharing a lot of things that a lot of people may not have known before, and a lot of People can probably relate to that out there, and I feel like that's what builds that such close bond. I love having such a close relationship with them. But the downside is most definitely the negative attention. I feel like people that, you know, are out to get you. You know, for example, what happened with me a couple of weeks ago at the club and stuff like that. Like, people are genuinely haters. When people see that you have this and they don't have that, they tend to come for you over it. And it's. I'm still working on it. Like, I'm still working on dealing with negativity and hate and stuff like that. I'm still young. I'm 18 again. I'm very mature for my age. But of course, there's still. There's always room for improvement. And so I feel like the cons are 100% just people that are negative for no, no reason. It's like, how do you not like me? I don't even know you. Yeah, like, what the hell? Like, what did I do to you?
- [78:42]
B
And I feel like that's never gonna stop. You know, I've been through this too, since I was 17, 16, thank God. I've been able to, like, create a career out of it. And I feel like as I've gotten older, I'm like, oh, my God, the hate's gonna go down. But it's like, no, if anything, the bigger you get, the more hate there is. And I've gotten to the point where I'm like, you know what? Let them hate. If they think that I'm doing something because of that, let's them fucking think that.
- [79:05]
A
And those people are always finding something within themselves. So if you guys also are watching at home, you guys have people who are hating on you, you might not even know that bitch that well. Like, if somebody don't like you because of this or because of that, and you don't even know them, just know that that person is always battling something within themselves, and they're trying to take it out on everyone but themselves. So don't ever let, like, that get to your head. You're never the problem. You're never, like, the issue. Those people just are fighting demons. They have a lot to get over. They have a lot to overcome. Let them be insecure. Let them be miserable, because I promise you guys, life will deal with they ass. Keep doing you. Don't let no bitch get in your way.
- [79:37]
B
And, you know, life has been doing good for you because you recently, you know, moved into your second apartment at just 18. Tell us a little bit more about that. How did you feel to like, reach that, like, milestone and accomplishment at such a young age? And what was that whole process like?
- [79:54]
A
I'm just so grateful. I'm so blessed, and I just am so, like, satisfied, like, I'm. I cannot even find the words to describe, like, how much happiness I feel from shit like that. Because all I wanted for myself my whole life was just to be able to move out and, you know, have my own space and stuff like that. So I did that in July as soon as I turned 18. And my apartment building actually has little, like, policy where you can upgrade after six months. But it was like five months and I was like, okay, like, I need a little more space. Because I was like, all my shit was everywhere. It was like a little one bedroom. It was perfect. Like, it was perfect for me. But I have a lot of friends over all the time. Like, I'm constantly with people and I also wanted more of a separation between work and like, sleep. So I have my own room for work and I have my room for sleep. And I was like, okay, like, I just got to get that done. So it was actually upgraded a month early and I broke my last lease. I paid the rest of that shit off and I upgraded and I was like, I'm so just happy and proud of myself that I was able to do this. But most of all, so thankful for you guys because none of it would be possible without y'. All.
- [80:52]
B
What happened? I saw a clip actually this morning. And you know something? Sometimes when you see a clip, I'm the type of person that I'll, I'll look to see. Like, I'll. I'll click the comments to see, like, oh, maybe it's an old ass clip. And you were having a situation right where they're like, oh, you need to be here the third, but you're like, I'm going back the fourth.
- [81:08]
A
Oh my God.
- [81:08]
B
What was that about?
- [81:09]
A
I just resolved that literally this morning.
- [81:11]
B
Okay, I had seen that literally. And I'm like, oh, people are commenting an hour ago, so this had to be recent.
- [81:16]
A
Yeah. So basically like, with me moving out and stuff like that, my rent like, damn near triple. Like, girl, this. Yeah, it's a little penthouse. It's like a little. The corner unit and stuff like that. So the rent definitely she rose. And I remember checking my little payments account because, you know, the first was a couple days ago. So I'm trying to pay my rent and I'm like, damn, like, where's that coming from like, girl. So I'm looking at it and I'm like, I mean, like, I guess I owe it. Like, I'll pay it, but I'm trying to pay it. And it was about like 11,000. And I'm trying to, like, pay the 11,000. And I'm looking at at it and I'm like, let me just pay it. So I'm doing it, but it's saying, oh, you exceeded your transaction limit. Like, you can't pay this. You can't pay this. And I'm like, what the. Like, what do you mean I can't pay this?
- [81:57]
B
Like, I have the money.
- [81:59]
A
Yes. I'm like, what do you mean I can't pay this? Like, what do you mean? How are you going to charge me something that I can't even pay? So I called my apartment like a couple days ago. They're like, oh, just whenever you get the chance come down to the leasing, I'm like, girl, I'm in la. Like, I can't like. And mind you rents do latest today. Like, I left 759. So I'm like, like, I cannot get evicted. I just moved in.
- [82:17]
B
And you just posted your video. The next video is like, we.
- [82:23]
A
I go from to like, oh, my God. I'm like, hell, no. But I. I called this morning and they basically let me know that they accidentally charged me, like, way more. And so I was like, okay. So they had this new outstanding balance, and it was like, I think 7,000, something like that. And they were like, you know, know telling me that if you actually link your bank account to the thing instead of paying with card, you don't get charged a convenience fee. So then I won't exceed the transaction limit. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, I didn't even know that shit for real. But thank God, now I'm. Because, girl, that adds like 200.
- [82:57]
B
No, it does. And you think about it, like, even when you make money, you think about it like, oh, it's not too much, like, fudge it, like, but it's like, no, it adds the fuck up.
- [83:05]
A
Absolutely.
- [83:05]
B
Like, now your rent went from like, let's say if it was 3,000 now it went to like 3,300. Girl, that's grocery money.
- [83:11]
A
No, yeah, definitely. So I had like a talk with the guy this morning, and he was just letting me know, like, okay, girl, just link your bank account. You know, pay with that. You want to pay a convenience fee. And then whenever you get back, apparently they had charged me like a whole bunch of Late fees on accident. And I was like, tell him. I was like, girl, how? He was like, I'm looking through. Yeah, you always pay right on time, right on the first, always the full amount. And he was like, but we also have a system where, you know, if you have a one time late fee, it can be waived for free. Like, no tripping. But I'm like, girl, girl, I wasn't late. So he was like, whenever you get back, make sure you come downstairs and let them know. And he was like, they'll reverse it and he'll just pay it for now, but they'll reverse everything. Like you're good. And I was like, okay, good.
- [83:48]
B
So I'm actually really glad that you were able to figure that out because when I saw that clip this morning, actually, I was like, oh, he's gonna go back home. To like, no home.
- [83:57]
A
Where's my stuff? All my stuff?
- [84:00]
B
Like downstairs waiting.
- [84:01]
A
No, I see my couch in the lobby.
- [84:03]
B
I'm like, but I think it's really great that you're doing a lot at such a young age. And I feel like that's so admirable because, you know, it's really hard to really make a life for yourself, especially in today's society, in today's economy. Like, everything's so expensive. So the fact that you're so young and you're already at your second apartment and you're doing big things is amazing. You know, I've been having this conversation with you and I feel like even myself, you guys, because I feel like sometimes, you know, as creators, creators, I. I feel like it's so hard to keep up with everything. But, like, you try. I feel like I get the cheeseman partis, like I get the cheese man, like, parts. Because I'm like, okay, saw that. But then I went off with my live and then I'm like, oh, wait, another clip. Wait, what's going on? So it's great when I sit down and I really get to, like, see the person and really hear their story. And I know a lot of people back home have really enjoyed today's conversation. To finish off today's episode, where do you see yourself in the next five years? Whether that's, you know, family wise, career wise. Where does Chris Cotter see himself at 18, 19, 19, 21 to 23 years old?
- [85:06]
A
23 years old, my Jordan year. Honestly, I want to be a homeowner. That's my number one goal. Especially in the next, like three to five years. I just want to be a homeowner. I want to have my own home. I want it paid off. I want to just own. I want equity, I want ownership. That's all. That's all I'm looking forward to. I want to own a car and a home that I don't have to pay any note on, any mortgage on, nothing like that. And honestly, I really do want to try living in another major city, like maybe Miami, like maybe Chicago. I'm not sure where, but I just want to live like somewhere else. But while I do that, also when I already have my own home down in Houston that I own, so. Because that's where my family is, where all my friends are, like, I have a lot of love out there. And so I think Houston is forever just going to be somewhere where I'm going to want, like, I feel like that's why to die.
- [85:48]
B
That's like your touchdown.
- [85:49]
A
That's like, that's my touchdown for sure. But I definitely do want to, like, experience living in another major city, like somewhere in my early 20s for sure.
- [85:57]
B
And I know you're gonna accomplish every single one of those goals because you're so young already and accomplishing so much. Amigas, which I'm sure he will. He's gonna accomplish that even in less than five years. You know, thank you so much for making the time to really sit down. This is what I'm saying before you guys. Even though this was supposed to happen long ago, I'm glad that it's finally happening because I'm a big believer on the times of God are always correct. So it's like without going through the stress of everything you were going through and having a real sit down conversation where people can actually get to know you and really meet the real Chris Carter without everything that was going on at the time. If you guys haven't followed him, amigas, make sure you guys go ahead and follow him. I'll leave it with all his links down below as well as on the screen right here, right now. Guys, make sure you guys go ahead and follow me so you guys won't miss any future episodes. And with that being said, thank you so much for being here.
- [86:50]
A
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy we were able to.
- [86:53]
B
Do this today and thank you guys so much for watching and we'll see you guys in the next one. Bye, guys. Yay. You did so good.