← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Desiree Montoya: Childhood Fame, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Deaf, CHISME & MORE!
01:28:46
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- [00:01]
A
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A
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B
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- [00:29]
A
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B
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- [00:45]
A
And I feel like it was more hard on me because I was a first time mom and I expected like this, like, okay, I have my son. We're gonna go home, we're gonna be at home, we're gonna be all together. So like when I left without him, I was like, I was.
- [01:13]
B
What is up, everyone? I'm your host, Alan Ice and this is Noche de Pindejadas, your favorite podcast turn talk show. And on the Yotrago, atus influencers favoritos para platicar y postos con Oregon or any of the cities nearby. Les Domingo May 24, me, Danny, Irma and Ashley hosting a club in Portland, Oregon, a casa nightclub. Come out, have a good time. With that being said, please help me welcome my guest tonight, Jas Montoya. Hello, amiga. I am great. We were just chatting off of camp. This has literally been a while in the making.
- [02:15]
A
See, literally.
- [02:16]
B
I think it's been two years, you guys. And I know you guys always hear me say, like, oh my God, this has been a long time in the making.
- [02:22]
A
But this episode,
- [02:25]
B
we've been cooking it up for a long time and I'm so excited. I'm a big believer in Kelos Temposom perfecto. So I never even worried about like on the nose. I'm like, no, I'm so excited too because I feel like you've been doing social media for so long.
- [02:56]
A
So long.
- [02:59]
B
And I feel like a lot of like your OG fans have seen you grown up, have seen you go through so many eras in your life. Mama. Which we're going to talk all about it in. I know. What has your week been like? Yose, you're in and out of LA just for this interview. What was that like? How was the plane ride? What was your day leading up to the interview?
- [03:30]
A
It was really good. The flight was three Hours and a half the entire flight. So it was a good flight. It went by pretty fast. I also fell asleep. We got here. We got to the hotel. We went to it. To da fun in California.
- [03:46]
B
The one in Anaheim?
- [03:47]
A
No, the one in somewhere. The one in the mall somewhere. Uhhuh. We went to go eat there. It really good. It was really good. I love it there.
- [04:08]
B
And don't know what you do.
- [04:13]
A
My name is Desiree Montoy, 21 years old. I've been doing social media since I was 12 years old. I am now 21, and I am a mother to a son. He is one as well. And, yeah, I just grew up basically recording my whole life and how I grew up and everything like that.
- [04:31]
B
You've been doing this for so long. Because I feel like I've been knowing you and of you for a long time. If I'm not mistaken, the first time was in my Halloween party. We've been even taught. Oh, my God. So it's been more than maybe two years of me trying to get you on the podcast. We're gonna go ahead and start. Because I feel like to get to know someone, we have to start Des. So with that being said, how was Desiree growing up? What was the atmosphere? Where did you grow up in?
- [05:13]
A
Well, I grew up in Houston, Texas, born and raised. Yo de chiquita. I'm the only girl, so I have two brothers, a younger brother and an older brother. We grew up so close, even up until now. I'm super close to my brothers. I adore them so much. They're like my first kids, then my son. But I was a diva when I was little. I was a diva. I was very, like, always dressing up, always looking cute. Thanks to my mom. She always, like, like always. We lived with my grandma for a while, up until I was 11. Okay. So we lived with my grandma, which is dad's mother. We then moved out when I was around, I would say six years old. And then we moved back in with my grandma for a few more years, and we. We moved out to a home. That's when I was 11. So I lived with my grandma basically my whole life. See, I. You know, my cousins also lives with my grandma. It was all of us in one room. It was like my mom, my dad, and my two brothers in one room.
- [06:16]
B
So it was like the home to be.
- [06:17]
A
Yes. Huh. And then in another room, it would be like my aunt, her husband, and my cous cousins. And in another room, it was like my aunt and her son. And in the other room, was my grandma, my grandpa. So we were always, like, in one household Always. Sometimes it could get, like, a little messy because we're all in the same place, seeing each other, like, every single day. But overall, I. I loved growing up with, like, being with my grandma and being with my cousins, and that's why I feel like we're all so close. And, yeah, that's. I grew up, like, just all of us there in the one house, always.
- [06:47]
B
What was it like growing up being the only girl? Do you feel like that came with, like, a lot of responsibilities, a pressure, Especially in Hispanic households? What was that like growing up for you?
- [07:08]
A
I read you. You don't run me. No, I feel like it was never nothing like that. It was never like, oh, you need to do this, and it was never really like that. I feel like my dad and my brothers are very more like, you know, do what you want, do what you like to do. Like, my brothers played soccer up until now, So, like, their whole life, they've always played soccer. And my parents, I wouldn't say, like, oh, like, their main focus was always my brothers, but they were always, like, back and forth with their soccer practices, with training, the schedules. Yes. And so that's when my dad decided to hear here's a phone. So I got a phone, and that's when I figured out, like, the app musically. That's how I started. And then from there, like, I did videos, and then I found out about Instagram. I made an Instagram account, like, at 13, and I used to go live every day in the morning before I left to school. And then after school, I would get home and, like, still be on live, like, kind of, like, playing music basically the rest of the night. And I feel like that's mainly how my fandom grew. Like, I was just, like, every day talking, showing. Like, I'm just here at the house doing my makeup, doing my hair, playing music, and that's mainly how I started. And then it just slowly started, like, progressing more and more. Yeah. Like, I just, like, it took off. Yeah.
- [08:32]
B
The rest is history, which is so crazy.
- [08:46]
A
Followers on Instagram.
- [08:47]
B
So you were doing behind the back.
- [08:48]
A
Yes. So, like, they didn't see me doing the telephone. They knew I would, like, they would see me do videos. Because I would make videos. Hey, like, you know, Desiree, musically,
- [09:11]
B
what,
- [09:11]
A
like, what's going on? Yeah, what's going on?
- [09:13]
B
Like, what is this something that you wanted to keep a secret because you're like, I know. Siles digos. Or were you, like, embarrassed to tell them?
- [09:20]
A
What you were doing, it was more like I was doing it for fun. It was nothing like, oh, I want to, like, be famous, or, like, I want to be, like, this person. Like, you know, it was more like I would make videos, I would go live, and then people, I guess, liked how I was or, like, my person now. I don't know what it was that that, like, drew people's attention. I got all these followers, and I'm very thankful. Like, you know, I was such a little girl. I had no idea, like, it would get me, like, this far. But, no, it was nothing that, like, oh, I want to hide from my parents. No, it was more like I was doing it for fun. Yeah. And I didn't think it was gonna give me, like, this far. How it has done today, everything that
- [09:56]
B
has to do with social media, What was that like growing up? Would you consider yourself like, a daddy's girl, mommy's girl? Describe each relationship. Relationship with them.
- [10:11]
A
Growing up, I was always a daddy's girl. And I feel like I was always a mommy's girl. Like, I was literally like, both. I never, like, picked a side. I never chose aside. I feel like they both show me the same amount of love. Like, they have showed my brothers, too. Like, they raised us really good. Like, they've always provided for us, like, when they couldn't. They always made it a way to give us, you know, something that we wanted.
- [10:32]
B
Yeah.
- [10:34]
A
See, that was mommy's girl and daddy's girl. So it was never like, oh, pick a side. No, it was both. Yeah.
- [10:39]
B
Who would you go first with the permisos?
- [10:51]
A
So it was like, either or.
- [10:53]
B
I hated that growing up, because. Did you feel like growing up that, you know, at a young age, you started using almost like, social media as an escape to, like. Like, you know what? Like, my parents are busy with my siblings. My siblings have a busy schedule,
- [11:23]
A
you know?
- [11:23]
B
Did you ever feel, like, misunderstood by your parents growing up? I feel like as kids, where we're like, you know what? Like, why are my parents not around as often? Like, I feel like my parents don't really know me other than, like, oh, it's me, Ika. Did you ever have a moment like that grow up?
- [11:41]
A
No, not really. Because, like, I like doing gymnastics. I like tumbling. So I never felt like, oh, like. Because I know my parents were very busy with them, and my brothers were doing something they loved. Like, you know, like, even till this day, like, soccer is always, like, they always go play. Even, like, if it's just like, a Sunday league, they go and Play. So it was never like, oh, like. Like, you know, I was, like, misunderstood or anything. It was never like that.
- [12:12]
B
How was the gymnastics for you?
- [12:13]
A
Honestly, it did not last for long, if I'm being completely honest with you. It didn't last for long just because I did it. And then I feel like after school I would be like, oh, I don't want to go. Like, I don't want to go. Yeah, I did do some, like, two camps during the summer. I did some camps. I think only one or two, if I remember correctly. They were fun. But then at the end, I just realized it's not something that, like, I love to do. Like, my brothers want how they love soccer.
- [12:37]
B
It wasn't a passion.
- [12:38]
A
Yeah, yeah. It was more like of a. No, was a hobby. Like, I wanted to try it out. I tried it out. I didn't end up loving it. So I was like, yeah, like, get me out of this, you know?
- [12:47]
B
How was Desiree in school, you know, before you got homeschooled? How was that, you know, experience with you? Were you, like, the outcast? Were you, like, the popular girl.
- [13:02]
A
In elementary? I moved schools, I think, like, two, three times. So it was not like I had friends. Amigas. Yeah. So I was very, like, more like anti social. Like, oh. Like, I didn't really have a bunch of friends in elementary. And it was not until I hit middle school that I stayed in that middle school like, the entire years. I think, like, around seventh grade, I wouldn't say, like, I was like, oh, like this popular girl. No, it was never nothing like that. I feel like I had a good amount of friends. I wouldn't say I was popular. I think it was just like, also, everybody knew each other. So when I went to that middle school, everybody knew each other because of elementary, before, in from elementary. And I was new. I was. I was kind of like, the new girl.
- [13:40]
B
Yeah.
- [13:40]
A
So some people were like, like, who is that? Like, you know, like, they will look and they'll be like, oh, like, who is that girl? Like, you know, because everybody kind of, like, knew each other from before. From elementary. Yeah. I wouldn't say I was like, oh, this popular girl. It was not until eighth grade, seventh grade ended. It was summer. And then I went on this tour. It was called Boys of Summer. This tour was kind of basically like a whole month, if I'm being completely honest. It was very tiring. And I did this when I was 13, so I was 13 on my first tour. Now that I look back at it, it. It's crazy. How they had us, like, running back and forth.
- [14:11]
B
Yeah.
- [14:11]
A
So they would have us from, like, one city. We would go. We would get to the city, do the show, like, the meet and greet. People would, like, even perform, like, songs and stuff. And even after, they were like, okay, pack your bags. We're gonna go to the next city. We would get to the next city, like, at 3am and they would want us up at, like, 8am, like, sharp, ready to go for the next show. Like, it was overwhelming for you as a kid. Now that I look back at it, I feel like it was so overwhelming. And I don't think it was like. Like, I feel like their schedule was just, like, all over the place too. I feel like it was so much that, like, even other creators now I see some creators talk about it, that they're like, oh, yeah. Boys of Summer was like, a crazy era because it was. It really was. We were, like, so young and we didn't realize, like, how much we were doing at such a young age. I mean, it was like, a lot of people too. Like, over 100 people would go to the shows. To me, like, us and a bunch of, like, other people, which I loved it. Like, I wouldn't say, like, oh, like, I hated it. No, I enjoyed, like, meeting people because even on the tour, like. Like, I met people like that I never thought I would meet. And even, like, when people would come to the show, like, they were expressed, like, oh, like, I love you so much. Like, you gave me through my day. So, like, stuff like that, like, it sticks with you at least. Like, you know, you're like, wow, like, me making these videos, like, me doing all of this, like, it's worth it. Yeah, it's worth it. You know, Voice of Summer happened, the tour. I went back to school in eighth grade, and I feel like everybody was looking at me like, oh, like, who does this? You know, who does this thing? She is like, you know, I never stepped in school thinking, like, oh, like, yeah, I'm this, like, famous girl. Like, you know, like. Like, get on your knees. It was never nothing like that. Like, I always came back thinking, like, I was friends with everybody. But when I got back to school, like, I only had, like, three friends when I went back.
- [15:38]
B
Did you have by that time?
- [15:39]
A
So I was in eighth grade, so I think I had, like, around like, 300, 400K.
- [15:43]
B
Oh, okay.
- [15:44]
A
I guess they thought that I was, like, in my head, like, oh, yeah. Like, I'm this. But it was never nothing like that. And I did lose a lot of friends. When I got back in eighth grade and I only had like three girlfriends and that was it. But I was kind of confused why everybody was like so like weird towards me. In 8th grade I look back at pictures that I have from eighth grade and I was very depressed. Like I was always crying. Like I have. Yes, when I was a young girl I was recording myself crying. I'm sorry. But I did have like a bunch of pictures and videos of me crying back in eighth grade and I. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. But like now that I look back, like I've always, always really crying. I was always crying and I was missing a lot of school in 8th grade so I did my parents decided to homeschool me.
- [16:26]
B
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- [18:16]
A
there was also this one altercation that happened in 8th grade. I was friends with this kid. Remember, I was the first with this kid in seventh grade. So entering eighth grade, I thought we were, like, friends, but comes to find out, like, we weren't really friends. Like, he was, like, he once came up to me, like, talking to me. I even told my parents and, like, my. I think my parents had to go to school and talk to the counselor and stuff because he was, you know, talking to me. And even in my head, I was like, like, what? I thought we were friends. Like, what did you. Like, what did I do to you? Like, what? Like, what were you. Yeah, I feel like I was very lost in eighth grade just because I had lost a bunch of friends who I thought were my friends. And, you know, I was missing a lot of school. I was traveling. Traveling a lot, too, because I was back and forth from, like, Houston to California. So I was. I feel like I was just very lost. I was a very, like, lost girl. Even though I was, like, so known on social media, I feel like I was, you know, I didn't know, like,
- [19:07]
B
lonely behind the scenes. Like, you could be known by so many people, but when it really matters, you just felt very lonely.
- [19:13]
A
Very lonely, you know.
- [19:14]
B
Quintana, you know about that. You know, I feel like when you get introduced and get put onto social media at such a young age and, you know, with your success coming very early on in your early years, do you feel like it kind of robbed you from your childhood? Did you ever feel like you had to grow up faster than, like, maybe, you know, kids your age at the time because, you know, you were doing big girl things, you were touring. You were like. And you're like, girl, I'm just trying to go to school. Do you feel like it literally made you grow up faster, that maybe you would have wished without noticing?
- [19:50]
A
Maybe now, Maybe without noticing. Yeah. I feel like now that I look back at it, I'm like, I should have really been more focused, like, going to school, you know, doing things that people my age were doing, you know, because a lot of people on my age were not, like, going on these world tours, not world tours, but, like, going to different cities. They weren't, like, getting, like, these brand deals that were paying you, like, certain amount of money. I would say now that I look back at it, maybe I did grow up a little too fast. Class and, like, I would have, like, probably told myself, like, you know, like, slow it down. Like, it's okay, like, to focus on school. Like, phone is always there. You can always you know, record your life and everything. I don't know. I feel like eighth grade was very, like, hard for me.
- [20:27]
B
How did homeschool, like, come into the picture? No squintas. That you had that altercation. Your parents were like, you know what? Maybe you should get home school. Like, we'll do the teaching. What was that experience like for you? Did you enjoy it?
- [20:40]
A
When I was traveling a lot and I was missing a lot of schools. So when you miss a lot of school, I. School, your parents can also get in trouble for it.
- [20:45]
B
Yeah.
- [20:45]
A
So we were like, you know, like, if you're gonna be traveling this much, you know, like, might as well, you know. And then whatever happens, whatever was happening in school too, I was like, you know, I think it's best to homeschool me. And you know what? One time someone did call the school that I went to, like, saying, oh, like, I'm here to pick up Desiree. And I even, like, texted my mom. I was like, are you here to pick me up? She's like, no, like a weirdo. Yeah, like a weirdo. Like, they called the school and they were like, oh, like, I'm here to pick you up. Like, you know, oh, that I'm here to pick up desert or something like that. And I was just like, my mom is not here. She's busy, you know, like, she's not gonna come pick me up right now, especially from school. And it was just weird. A lot of weird stuff was happening. So I was. My parents were like, you know, like, let's homeschool you. And so they homeschooled me. It was like a self paced kind of homeschooling. So it was like, I was just, you know, get on. Like, I would log in, I would do my work. And yeah, that was it. So it was nothing like, oh, like teachers. At one point, my parents didn't. Did have, like, want to have somebody come to the house and, like, tutor me for certain things. But, yeah, I feel like homeschooling was like, I guess the easy route.
- [21:43]
B
Yeah.
- [21:44]
A
Yeah.
- [21:44]
B
It also permitted you to be able to do what you were doing, you know, because I feel like at that time your career was like, blowing up.
- [21:51]
A
Yeah.
- [21:51]
B
And that's literally around the time that I remember seeing you all over social media. Like, even to me, everyone, all the designators back at home. How did that name become.
- [22:02]
A
I don't even know. Honestly, I think it's just something I came up with. And then I, like, thankfully, my parents were always so supportive. Like, I'm telling you, my Parents were always so supportive of my brothers. So when they saw that I. I, like, liked recording myself. They saw that I love doing social media. They, like, supported me. So, like, my dad, like, went out his way and was like, okay, like, I'm gonna get you merch. I'm like, I'm gonna invest in, like, getting your merch. I was like, okay, let's do something, like, designators. And, yeah, from there, like, the name stuck for a while. And, like, we did my first merch launch, and it went really good. A lot of people, you know, they. They bought hoodies and everything in shirts and. Yeah, but it was things all thanks to my parents. Like, they were always very, very supportive, and they were always there for me. Like, a lot of people think. Which is crazy, because a lot of people think that I was the money maker at home. It was never nothing like that. Like, my parents never asked me for money. Like, they never used me for money. They didn't even know I was, like, known, like, how I was to be like, oh, like, you know, you're gonna start bringing money home. You're gonna start paying this. You know, it was never nothing like that. And a lot of people, like, will make, like, assumptions like, oh, like, her parents let her do this or dress like this because. Because she's the one bringing money home, you know, like, and. But it was never nothing like that. Like, my parents have their own stuff going on, so, like, thanks to them, like, we live the life we live, and we have the beautiful home that my parents have. So it was, like, for people to be like, oh, you know, she's bringing money home, so that's why her parents let her do whatever she wants, you know, but it was nothing.
- [23:22]
B
They're like, girl, I feel like that happens a lot with social media. Like, people assume things, and it's like, sometimes you can sit down there and, like, explain, and even if you would have been like, no Mirin Agar resting, but I don't even transfer this money to my parents. Like, even if you were to sat there and, like, told them how it
- [23:39]
A
really goes,
- [23:44]
B
you know, what was that like for you? Did you feel like you had maybe family members or friends growing up, being like, you know what? Like, I don't think this whole social media thing can really be a career. Like, why don't y' all just let her focus on school? Did you ever have, like, people in your life growing up that kind of didn't see what you were doing at such young age as something, like, major?
- [24:09]
A
No, actually, like, I Said my family is very close, both on my mom's side and my dad's side. They've always were so supportive. So, like, when I went on tour, the last stop was in Houston, where I live. And, like, both sides of my family, like, they came out and they, like, showed. I. Like, they were, like, even wearing the designated merch like they were earlier. So, like, it was never, like, I had family. Like, in my. I never had family that was, like, negative to be, like, doubting you. Yeah. Never. They were always, like, if anything, they would always push me and be like, you know, you could do this. Like, you could be doing better. Like, you know, or, like, you could, like, like, really do something. Like, do this video.
- [24:41]
B
Your last video was boring. Why don't you do this? Yeah. Which I feel like is great. Because I feel like. Usually I feel like when people start seeing, like, you know what, like, maybe she's not there yet, but, like, a little bit more work. Like, she's gonna be big. I know.
- [25:00]
A
Yeah.
- [25:00]
B
No familia. Like, no, we don't. You know, Which I'm glad that you didn't have any of that growing up, because I feel like when comes from the family, escuando masa fecta. You know, being on social media so young comes with so much. You know, you get thrown into a world, you know, you get comments left and right, people opinionating, thinking they know what's up, when really they don't know anything. What was that like for you, growing up navigating? Like, the hate comments, the drama or anything that was going on in the era of your life.
- [25:35]
A
Life.
- [25:35]
B
What was that like, navigating? You know, being so young and seeing so much hate or just online stuff
- [25:42]
A
happening at a very young age. I was always, like, I said, I was, like, very, like, this, like, diva. Like, I would not let nobody, like, talk to me. Like, I would always defend myself. Like, I was always, like. So even, like, when people talk, would leave hate comments and stuff. I mean, I'm important. Like, I would always tell myself, like, I really don't care. Like, I was there. Like, I don't care. Like, I don't want to. They don't know me in real life. Whatever they're saying, don't even know what the they're saying. But no, I feel like the comments never really got to me. It was not until, like. Like, I would say, like, when I was 14, I was very petite. I was always very skinny. So a lot of people would talk about my body. I was very skinny. I was not, like, you know, the, the most like thickest girl. I was very skinny. I was always like, no, I wouldn't say struggling to eat, but like, I would always get full really fast. I had like fast metabolism. So I never like gained weight. I always would stay at the same weight. So at, at a point it was like where a lot of people were like coming at my body. And I remember I was like very like I slowly started to get very insecure, like wear joggers a lot. Like I remember like a phase in my life when I think when I was like around 16, like a little bit after I turned 16, I would just wear nothing but joggers. I wouldn't like wearing jeans, I wouldn't like wearing dresses. I was always like in joggers and a shirt. Like it was always like joggers and a shirt was like my daily outfit. And I feel like that's the only type of comments that would affect me back then was like the little like body shaming comments. But it, when it would be like, about me, like, like my feet, oh, like, she's ugly. I was like, no, babe, I was not.
- [27:06]
B
You can't say that. You're like, you know what, maybe the body you're making me overthink, but this face card, don't decline. How was that? Cuz I feel like, you know, getting commented over your bodies can really like affect the confidence, you know. Did you have, you know, anyone you would run to? Like, hey, you know what? Like, I hate my body. I hate how I look because not only do I think this, but people online think the same. Did you go to anyone for like emotional support during that time or was that something?
- [27:41]
A
Yeah, no, know, I never really told nobody. Like, I never really was like, oh, like, you know, I feel like I don't look good. Like, you know, I was like very skinny. I never really said much about it. Yeah, it was just something that I like would keep inside and I would. Because I feel like body shame is also very normalized for some odd reason. Like, I feel like a lot of people think like they have the right to be speaking on other people's body when it should never be like that. Because you really don't know what a person is going through behind this, you know, screens. Because I feel like a lot of people that are also on social media, like they fight a lot of stuff like behind closed doors. And I feel like a lot of people who like pick up the camera is and like record the live is so they can distract themselves from like stuff that is actually going on in real life.
- [28:19]
B
You know, I think it's sad especially because, you know, a lot of the time it's coming from women and also men. I feel like a lot of the time I don't know if maybe you can relate to that. Did you feel like a lot of like those body shaming comments came more from like women or men at the time?
- [28:35]
A
I think it was more women at the time. Again, again, when I was, I started social media, it was a lot of, a lot of like girls my age.
- [28:41]
B
Yeah.
- [28:41]
A
So when I would see like those comments I'd be like, you know, like you're also my age. Like how would you feel like if it was this many people, like telling you, like, oh, like you don't look good in this. Like you're too skinny, you need to eat more. Like you look sick. Like, you know, to me it was very odd. Like odd that it would be like a bunch of like more of a girls and guys telling or that it
- [28:58]
B
would be a topic of conversation to start off with. Did you ever have a moment where you know, you were like, you know what, I'm tired of dressing baggy because of the comments. Did you ever have a moment where you're like, you know what, maybe I should go gym or maybe I should stop caring about these people. What was like that change for you that you're like, you know what haters opinion. But like I'm just going to live my life and if I'm really truly unhappy about how I look, I'm going to do something about it or I'm just not going to care.
- [29:25]
A
I feel like I don't know where I just like, you know what it, like I, I shouldn't care about what these people are saying about me, especially about me physically. Cuz people don't know me in real life and I feel like I just grew out of it and I just started dressing like how I wanted to. Like I just, I think I just grew out of it. It was nothing. Like, oh, like, oh, you know, I'm gonna prove these people wrong. Like, you know, like I look good. Like I think it's just something that I grew out of it and I told myself like, you know, like these people don't know you and they don't know what you struggle with. So yeah.
- [29:49]
B
What piece of advice can you give anyone watching us right now that is struggling with body image that are maybe, you know, going through a situation where someone in their life or maybe if they're online, you know, people are constantly commenting and shaming their bodies. What's a piece of advice you can give give them?
- [30:05]
A
That's a girl who was always like, very skinny. Like, you know, like always picked on because I was too skinny sometimes. And people would tell me, like, you know, you need to eat more, you know, you need to do this. I feel like you shouldn't even listen to what people say. Honestly, I feel like you know yourself and you know your body, you know what your body needs. And regardless of what people say, you are a beautiful person inside and out. Some people can be beautiful on the inside, I mean on the outside and so ugly on the inside. So all that really matters is what you are on the inside. It does not matter what you look like on the outside. Like, a lot of people ugly because they hate their lives. A lot of people are ugly to other people and God doesn't like ugly. So, you know, don't be ugly to other people just because people are ugly to you.
- [30:45]
B
What do you feel like have been the pros and cons of being on social media?
- [30:49]
A
I feel like the pros is like I've met a lot of like, beautiful people. Like, even to this day I have like, people who do social media, like influencers. Like, I have a few friends that I've still been friends with till now. Even though we don't talk every day, even though we don't like, check on each other every other day, I feel like I met people that I like, I've known for a long time and I'm very thankful for because they've always supported me, even now that I became a mom. And also I've met like, like when I was on tour, I met like a lot of people that also touched my heart. And I feel like when people don't understand, it's like when you pick up a camera. Like, you can also like really change someone's life. Like you really can. And you can touch someone's heart just through a video. I think the cons are, it's just people think they have the right to speak on your life just because you put it out there. Well, yes, you. I put my life out there and people are gon say things. I also think a lot of people are just too invested in other people's lives. Like, they're very parasocial. Like they're very like, oh, like they need to be doing this. Oh no, they can't be, you know,
- [31:44]
B
like, what are you doing. Online through a comment? I would never do that. But you would. But you have, like, oh my God. But you've done worse. I feel like the people that are really nasty online are people that use social media as an escape from their very like shitty life respectfully to like get away from like what they're doing. Like, But it's like. Raise your hand if you've been putting off a dental cleaning, an annual checkup, or honestly any kind of doctor's appointment. Yeah girl, my hand is up too. When something seems off, I usually doom scroll my symptoms, self diagnose using the world wide web, spiral quietly to myself, vent to my partner, but don't do anything about it. Does this sound familiar? This year we're doing things differently. We're finding doctors we love and booking appointments with ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book high quality in network doctors so you can find safe someone you love. We're talking about booking in network appointments with more than 150,000 providers across all 50 states. Appointments made through Zocdoc happen fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments the next time I need a booking appointment. Amigas, ustes ave imperfectamente queue esteraciendo through Zocdoc. Stop putting off your doctor appointments and go to zocdoc.comallen to find an instantly book a doctor you love today that is z o c d o c.com Allen zocdoc.com Allen thanks to Zocdoc for sponsoring this message. This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. I've got good news and bad news. Here's the bad news. Most protein bars are packed with sugar and unpronounceable ingredients. The good news? There's a better option. I'm Will and I created IQ Bar Plant Protein Protein bars to empower doers like you with clean, delicious, low sugar, brain and body fuel. IQ bars are packed with 12 grams of protein, brain nutrients like magnesium and Lion's Mane and Zero Weird Stuff. And right now you can get 20% off all IQ bar products plus free shipping, clean ingredients, amazing taste and you'll love how you feel. Refuel smarter, hydrate harder, caffeinate larger with IQ Bar. Try our delicious IQ Bar Sampler Pack with nine plant protein bars, eight hydration mixes and four mushroom coffee sticks. And now you can get 20% off all IQ Bar products plus free shipping when you go to iqbar.com today and enter promo code BAR20 to get this exclusive offer for our listeners. That's iqb.com promo code BAR20 to get 20% off plus free shipping. Iqbar.com code BAR20. You know, miramos munchos clips on TikTok. Now you know where people really can create like a false narrative so easily. Have you ever been a victim of like unchisme or a fall narrative that has been far from the truth?
- [35:08]
A
If I'm thinking right now, I can't think at the top of my head. But I Personas like, you know, they'll be like, oh, like this girl thinks she's like, you know, this big, you know, boss girl, whatever. But it's no. I feel like people just think they know me to the screen, but they don't really know me. I feel like a lot of people think that I was with so many guys at the same time. People on the Internet, they learn a word and they run with it. It's like the word like bop. Like, they learn the word bop and they run with that. Like everyone's bop. I feel like a lot of people have like that like narrative of me that I was like always with a bunch of these guys, but it was never really like that. I feel like at a young age I was again, I was around so many people. I would travel a lot. And a lot of people think that I traveled by myself. I never traveled by myself. The first time I ever traveled by myself myself was one time was. Was for Louie's party. That was the only time I ever traveled by myself, which is because I stayed with a friend, my friend Josie. I stayed with her and her mom and because her mom goes with her everywhere as well. And I feel like a lot of people, you know, talk about her too, because her mom's always with her, but my mom was always with me. I never once traveled by myself. And everybody thought like, oh, like, yeah, her mom again, her mom and dad let her do whatever because she brings money. And it was never like that. My parents never asked me for a dime, a penny ever, ever. And I never. So I was never by myself. I was never doing these like sneaky things behind my parents back because my mom was always with me.
- [36:37]
B
What did that affect? You know, we are meant that you knew the truth, but seen online and seen maybe comments or rumors start to like build up. You're like, like, how do I, like get these people to understand? Would that ever like affect your mental health?
- [36:52]
A
Growing up, I feel like I would just. Sometimes I would think about it a lot. Like, about it too much. I would be like, you know, like, I need to say something. But then sometimes I would Think to myself, Myself. Like, even my mom would tell me, like, there's no point of addressing things when, you know, some people are still gonna run with the same and say the same stuff always. They make these narratives in their head, and they're gonna believe it, and they're gonna go with it. So even my mom, she would tell me, like, you don't have to address nothing. She was like, as long as you know that I'm with you, and I know that I'm with you always, that's all really that matters. Because even my family, like, I know some of my family sometimes would think, like, oh, like, she travels a little too much. Like, you know, does she? Do you even? They would ask me questions like, do you go by yourself? And I would always tell them, like, I was never, ever by myself. I was always with my mother, always.
- [37:33]
B
And I love that. And I feel like, you know, sometimes, like you said, people will believe whatever they want, but it's like what you know is the truth. Social media. For all the ogs. Else. And then slowly but surely, you know, she stopped appearing in your videos. How did, like, the friendship evolve over time? And, you know, what's up with that? Like, do you guys still talk? Did you guys have a fallout?
- [38:12]
A
Quintanos the first thing I want to say is, I'm not here to ever talk bad about her. Like, I. Even to this day, I still love and care for her, even for her family. Laconosi and middle school, like, on a C in sixth grade. I was new to the school. Like, I said, everybody in middle school kind of knew each other before because of elementary, and she came up to me, and I remember she was like, I want to be your friend. And I was like, let's be friends. And then from there, like, it was like we were inseparable. Like, she was my best friend at the time. She was in middle school. In sixth grade, she was only really my friend. But then she slowly, like, started becoming my best friend. She asked me, like, oh, like, where do you shop? And I'd be like, oh, like, I shop at this store. And, like, she would go and buy clothes. Clothes. The same clothes I would wear. And I really. You know how there's some people where they're like, oh, like, she's copying me.
- [38:53]
B
Yeah.
- [38:53]
A
No, it was never. Yes. To this day, I even have pictures of us, like, twinning. Like, even, like, every Friday, we'll be like, okay, on Friday, we're gonna wear a denim jacket with the same white shirt and the same jeans and the same Shoes. Like, it was no ever. Like, secret animosity, like, ever, ever.
- [39:11]
B
Which is, like, very rare to find nowadays with girls.
- [39:13]
A
And again, like, that's when I first, like, started social media, too. Even. Like, I've always felt, like her genuine, like, intentions. Like, I never felt, like, a vibe bad from her. Like, she was never, like, oh, like, post me. Like, you know, tag me. Like, it was never nothing like that. Like, she was always very supportive. And in eighth grade, when I only had three friends, she was one of those friends that still, like, stayed my friend. And then, yeah, I got homeschooled. And then, like, we would still, like, reach out. Like, we would talk here and there. And we stayed best friends up until, I would say, two years ago or three years ago, a little bit before I found. No, in 2024. August, if I'm not wrong. Or 2023 in August. I have to look. We stopped slowly, like, stopped talking to each other. It was mainly, like. But, like, again, like I said, we were inseparable. Like, we were together every day. Like, we were together every day. If she wasn't at my house for a week, I was at her house for a week. If she wasn't taking me somewhere, I was taking her somewhere. Like, we were always, like, back and forth, forth. And we were never, like, we never really left each other's side. Like, if I was going to an event or if I was going to a party or if I was going somewhere. She was my. I'm like, yes. Like, that was my. Cheekily, like, she was like the sister I never had because I'm the only girl. So she was like the sister I never had. And I feel like it was just a misunderstanding how we fell out. Like, it was more like of a. I don't want to put her business out there because. But she was going through something, and I was, like, trying to be that friend. Like, you know, like, hey, like, you know, get up. Like, you know, do this. Like, you know, like, you need to. To, like, you know.
- [40:39]
B
Motivating.
- [40:39]
A
Yeah. Trying to motivate her a little bit. And I feel like whatever she was going through back then, like, I feel like she was more focused on that, which is totally understandable, even to me. Like, now I look back, and I was. I'm like, you know, like, I understand her. Like, you know, but, yeah, I feel like we just slowly stopped texting each other every day. Like, we just. I don't know where. It was just like a. Like, there was no text. I wasn't sending her a text. She Wasn't sending me a text and. Yeah, and then one time I went out with my cousins and she texted me, she was like, oh, like you went out without me? And I was like, oh, like hey, like it's nice to hear from you. Like, you know, it's been a while.
- [41:15]
B
Keeping time.
- [41:16]
A
Like finally she dm's me and then she went out with one of her friends, which I, I was also like pretty friends with her friends. She had friends of her own.
- [41:25]
B
Yeah.
- [41:26]
A
And I was like, I would, we would hang out sometimes, like me and her other friends and they, she ended up going out with them. And I remember she texted me, she was like, hey, like I miss you. Like, she was, she was like kind of, I'm not trying to put her business out there at all, but it was just like, you know, I'm explaining what happened. She was, you know, she was like a little late. Like, you know, she was like, hey, like I miss you. And I also me myself, I can't really remember if I was also like kind of like tipsy or if I was tricky that day. But I didn't reply to her because I felt like, oh, like, so it takes you to be around your other friends for you to come and reach out to me, like to tell me you miss me. I felt some type of way like, you know, I was like, you know, like, like I don't, I didn't like that at the time. I was just like, you know, I don't really, you know, that's not something I like. And then I didn't respond to her. We just went like, I think another two days without texting each other. And then something else had happened that she was like, hey, like tell this person to like, you know, stop talking about me. And I was like, oh, like I will never like, you know, like I have to look back at the messages. I don't want to say something that, you know, it didn't happen.
- [42:26]
B
You guys just kind of had kind
- [42:29]
A
of a disagreement basically and we just stopped texting each other and like look like, you know, like checking up on each other. And then, yeah, I think she ended up sending me a paragraph and I never replied to it. I felt some type of way and I was like, I'm not going to reply. Like there's no point for me to reply. And I blocked her number. And from there I haven't like really heard from her. Like I even on Instagram, like I had unfollowed her. Unfollowed like her sister and stuff. Cuz we Were all really close. Like, I was like. Like, again, like, till this day. I love her. I love her sisters. I love her parents. Like, they were very, like, always very welcoming. Like, they were like. Like, mi casas, tu casa, like, always. And, yeah, I haven't, like, I just unfollowed her. I, like, cut out contact with her ever since. I have not heard from her.
- [43:09]
B
Those are, like, the biggest heartbreaks. Like, the ones where it's like, and right now.
- [43:17]
A
And I don't want nobody to be, like, going to her page and be like, oh, like, it was like, you're. It was. No, it was. It was both of our faults. We stopped texting each other and we stopped reaching out growing up, too.
- [43:26]
B
And you know what it is? I feel like a lot of people can possibly relate to, you know, when your kids, like, o anything going on, like, in your life other than whatever is going on in your life at that moment. But once you grow up, you know, two tres to Speedos, two tres to Spedos. And as a friend, you think you know best for that. Like, whatever it is. I feel like as we get older, it's so hard.
- [43:51]
A
Yeah. And I feel like a lot of people grow apart.
- [43:54]
B
And that's, like, the saddest part when people do grow apart, because it's like, I fucking love you. Like, mine and your life at this moment in time doesn't correlate, doesn't align. I'm not saying that my way is better than your way, but, like, our lives are just going different directions that, like, sometimes, like, it's best to, like, okay, like, take yourself out of that equation. You know, what piece of advice can you give to anyone that is possibly going through, you know, a best friend breakup?
- [44:35]
A
See, I feel like if you're going through, like, a friendship breakup, like, if you have anything else to say, just, like, if it's a phone call, if it's a text message, if it's a voice message, just send it. Like, just send it. Because I remember after we stopped being friends a little bit, like, a whole year after, I would think about Harlow, I'm like, let me text her. Like, let me call her. And I never really got the courage to, like, text her. Like, I will never, like, you know, like, I'm sorry. So, like, if we're going through that friend breakup and you're, like, still thinking about them, you still feel like you have something to say. It's best for you to get it off your chest and be like, hey, like, I know we're not friends anymore, but Like, I really, like, still love you. Like, I support you. Like, there's no bad blood. Like, even to this day, like, again, I have nothing, ever, anything bad to say about her. Like, there's no bad blood between us. It just. It was just a misunderstanding. We stopped talking, we grew apart, and that's what we left it at. We haven't spoken since, and I feel
- [45:28]
B
like that's so real. And I know a lot of people can relate, you know?
- [45:31]
A
Yeah.
- [45:31]
B
Oh, yeah. I mean, they've used. You're in that situation. Like she said. I feel like a lot of the time, Nostragamos, Elde. You know what? I have this to say, but I don't want to say it because this person might take it wrong. But I really, truly feel like, you know, the best thing you can do is express your feelings without it being like, you know, if they take it as an attack, if they take it as, like, let them. You express how you feel. Like, hey, as a friend, this is how I'm feeling. I feel this. X, Y, and Z. If you want to see my point of view, Cheetos, you know, you know, it's best to be a part, you know, To motherhood. I feel like a lot of your followers have seen you grow and have seen you in so many of your tapas to now being a mommy, Baby daddy. How does he ask you to be his girlfriend? What was the first impression?
- [46:38]
A
My best friend, My old best friend, she was dating a guy at the time, and, well, her boyfriend at the time knew my baby daddy.
- [46:44]
B
Okay.
- [46:44]
A
And, yeah, and it was like, he was like, hey, like, you know, like, you should get to know this guy or whatever, because I think I was, like, I was single for already a while. Like, I was just, like, doing, like, my yolo, like, single life. I was very like, oh, I don't care. Like, I don't want to nobody. Like, you know, and they were always going on little, like, dates. And I was always like, like, I want to go with you guys. Like, I don't want to go. So they introduced me to him, and I met him in 2023, like, in February. And I first saw him, and I was like, oh, like, he's very cute. Like, I was like. I was like, he's cute. I'm like, he's gonna get mad. But no, I thought he was, like, very, very handsome. A very handsome young guy. And, yeah, I ended up, like, following him on Instagram, texting each other, and we just texted other, each, each other. And, like, he planned a date a Date and everything. Well, I met him like, the day before my birthday. So I was like, hey, like, you know, like, I had invited him out, but he wasn't able to make it. And our birthdays are like a week and a half, a week apart. So, like, his birthday came over. He was like, hey, like, I'm gonna go to like, the club. Like, you know, come. And I ended up going, but I didn't want to go by myself. So I took the girl I was best friends with. I took her sister, so she came with me. And like, we were there, like, you know, like, I. We were there together, whatever. Didn't really drink. I was moving. I was very shy. Shy. And because that was like my first time, like, being with him, like, you
- [47:59]
B
know, like, let me not act out.
- [48:00]
A
Yeah, Yeah. Like, I went home. Like, I was like, thank you for inviting me. Like, happy birthday. Whatever, whatever. And I think I would say like a week later, if I'm not wrong. He was like, hey, like, let's go on a day. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna plan this. We're gonna go here. He picked me up. We went to go eat sushi. Even after we went to the movie, the theaters, and yeah, everything went really good. And we're leaving. And I think that's like when we had like, our first kiss in the elevator. And then, yeah, he dropped me off home. I had a really nice time. And then, like, I would say like, another few days later or like a week later, he planned another day. And like, one thing about him is like, his way of showing love, like, an affection is like he plans things. And like, his way of, like, showing love is also like, gifting. So, like, he was like, hey, like, we're gonna go here. I'm gonna pick you up. We're want to go somewhere, which I
- [48:51]
B
feel like those are the best mental because a lot of the time you got to tell your man what the to do. Yeah, like, I want to go on a date. Like, and then they'd be like, well, where do you want to go? What do you want? Like, planning, like, literally.
- [49:03]
A
Yo. Yeah, he was that guy. Like, he really, like, he planned another day. And like, ever since, like, we were like. Like we never left each other alone. And that's how I met him. It was to the girl I was.
- [49:13]
B
How did he ask you out?
- [49:14]
A
It was actually in December. Yeah, it was in December. We went out. Oh. We had a plan to go to this place called Santa Wonders Land in Texas. It's like, where. Where you go and like, you do, like, the little hay rides. You go, like, kind of like in the snow. You go see lights and everything. And I was like, hey, like, let's go. Like, I'll buy the tickets. Like, you know, So I bought the tickets. I was like, we're gonna go. And he was, like, taking a while to pick me up. I was about to even, like, be like, hey, like, what's going on? Like, are you even gonna come? And I didn't, thankfully, because he ended up getting there. And he asked me out with five Ramabuchones. I said, will you be my girlfriend? Yes. Huh? They was like, will you be my girlfriend?
- [49:49]
B
And I was like, each Ramo had a different word. Okay? He got money. And I. Girl that has, like, that TV show now, like, the meme when she's, like, in the movie theaters, uhhuh. He got money. Do you know what I'm talking about? She's now, like, a famous actor. Like, she had, like, that one really popping show. She came up on that meme. You've never seen it at the movie theater. And the guy's like, I want this. This. He's, like, ordering the whole movie theater menu. And she's like, damn. He got.
- [50:18]
A
I think I know what you're talking about.
- [50:20]
B
You'll know afterwards.
- [50:22]
A
Well, yeah, he asked me out like that. And then, well, he picked me up. He opened up the back door, and I was like, oh. I was like, yes, of course. And then we went out to the Santa's Wonderland. We had a good time. It was even raining that day, but we still, like, stayed out. It was so cold too. And, yeah, we went back home, and that's how he asked me out.
- [50:38]
B
How were, like, the early days of your guys's relationship? Do you feel like you guys had, like, a great start? Toxic before it gets healthy. Did you guys have any, like, toxic moments, or did it start off, like, on great path? Like, this is the guy that I want to be, like, the dad to my children. What was that like in the beginning for you guys?
- [51:00]
A
I feel like it was very good. I feel like we, like any other couple, they have their moments, like, where they're, like, arguing for a certain amount of time. But he's a very good person. I don't like to post him a lot. A lot of people are like. A lot of people think I'm not with him. I mean, a lot of people think that he left me because I got pregnant. No, because I don't. I just don't post it.
- [51:18]
B
I'm people. I don't think he left you because he got pregnant. I didn't know if you guys were
- [51:21]
A
together because you don't post so much him. Yeah, no, we are together. He is very present in my son's life, in our son's life. He's an amazing dad. I feel like a lot of people think that, like I said, we're not together because I don't post him a lot. So we are together.
- [51:36]
B
There's a verification you needed that you
- [51:40]
A
got that he's very present in my, in our son's life. Again, like I said, I love that. I love a lot of people like have that misconception like that, oh, like she left, he left her because she got pregnant. Like, you know, like he's not with her cuz she's got pregnant. But it was never nothing like that. Like, no.
- [51:55]
B
Again, whatever you see online.
- [52:01]
A
And also I feel like I don't post our relationship a lot because in the past I've had like very public, like relationships that are never like, you know, very serious. But I did have like public relationships where I was publicly like cheated on as well. So I feel like now when I like got with him, I was like very like, you know, I'm going to like, he's a very good guy. Protect your peace. I wanted to protect my peace. And I was also very already older, so I understood like, you know, it's better to like keep things offline and let people think whatever they want to think.
- [52:27]
B
Like they'll never know what the Desiree is up to. I love that though. I really feel like that comes with like growing up because I feel like, you know, obviously, but I feel like you're also protecting your relationship because no one knows what's up, like other than you guys. You know, at 19, you become pregnant. Yo quiero saber todes. So what was that like prior to taking that pregnancy test where you, you having symptoms? Were you like, oh my God, I didn't get my period. What was that like? Tell us about, find out you were pregnant.
- [53:05]
A
I actually was having symptoms, but I didn't know they were like pregnancy symptoms. So this is at the time when I was like very like, let me take care of myself. I started working out. I got a personal trainer. I was working out like every day of the week with my mom as well. Well, and then I don't know where I just started. Like, I thought my period was going to come. So I have like the Flow app. I have the app where I track my period and I didn't really check on It I was like okay, my period's going to come cuz like my breasts are sore. Like they hurt when I lift my arms. I was super sleepy so I would like wake up early for a workout cuz I would work out in the morning like around 8 in the morning and then I would get home and I would be tired. Like I was like, but not tired like working out tired. Like it was like exhausted. Like I was like I'm ready to go to sleep for the rest of the day. Like it was like that type of, of tired.
- [53:50]
B
Like I'm already tired. Seriously, the whole month?
- [53:55]
A
Yes. I was like. And then I think it was, it was just this one time where like we left training, I went home, my mom made me breakfast, she made me bacon with like eggs. And one thing about me is I love bacon. Like bacon is like my favorite thing. And I was like, I bit into the bacon and it tasted so gross to me. I even spit it out. But like not in front of my mom. I waited for my mom to leave to the room, I spit it out and I acted like I, I finished it. But at my head I was like, I was like that's weird. In my head I'm like maybe the bacon went bad and she didn't notice that it was expired or something.
- [54:28]
B
I'm like mom, what are you doing?
- [54:31]
A
I was like, I don't think she know how to cook today. But no, I was disgusted. I was like what the heck? I was like, I didn't think much of it. I was like, maybe it was just like expired and we didn't know it is or something like that. And then something in my heart told me like, take a pregnancy test, just take one. And I hadn't checked my app where I check where I track my period. So I was like, let me just go buy a period pregnancy test. And on the way there, I'm driving and I'm like in my heart I knew I was pregnant, but in my head I was like, I'm not pregnant. And so I bought this.
- [54:57]
B
Did you tell your man prior? You're like, before I alarm him. Ah.
- [55:03]
A
I was like, ah. I was like, let me go buy one. So I bought one. And so like I said I was like, I'm not pregnant. But in my heart I felt like I was pregnant. I bought it, I got home, I took it in the restroom and I took like two and I let them like you know, set or whatever. I even have a video, you know, sent to you. I look at the pregnancy test through the Video, like through my camera. And I'm like, I'm like, there's no way. I was like, oh my God. I was like, I'm pregnant. But at first it didn't really hit me because after I saw that test, I took like 10 more. Like, I'm being so serious. I. I took like 10 more. I was like, there's no way I am pregnant. I was like, were you scared? I was terrified. Like, let me tell you, I'm like, I am super young. Like I'm still. Was still like trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I was barely started working out, like, trying to focus, like work on my body, like, you know, like take care of myself. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was like, I was super terrified. So the first person I called was my best friend. Her name is Alexis. I texted her, I was like, hey, guess what? And she was like, you're pregnant. I'm like, yes.
- [56:03]
B
How do you know? Where's the camera?
- [56:08]
A
No, but I was, she was like, you're pregnant. I was like, like, yes. She was like, what? She was like, I was joking, like, and I FaceTime her, I show her the pregnancy test. I was like, I'm pregnant. I was literally freaking out. Like, I literally left the house. I was like on the side of the house, like showing her the pregnancy test. Cuz my mom was home. I was like, oh my God. And I even called my other friend. I was like, I'm pregnant. He was like, you need to tell your mom. He's like my gay friend. He's also really close to me and my mother. So he was like, you need to tell her. I was like, I can't. Like, I'm scared. Like, you know, like, I'm like, what's going to happen? Like, you know, like at the time, like my stuff was going on at home, so I didn't even want to bring it up to my mom. I was like, you know, like, I don't, I don't know what to do. Like, you know, I kept it from her for like three days when I found out.
- [56:51]
B
So like, how was that for you? Was it like very like, oh my God, when's the right moment?
- [56:55]
A
Like, oh my God. There wasn't really a right moment because like I say like, there was a lot of stuff going on at home. And I was like, I just felt like there wasn't a right time to, to tell her. I was like, there's no way I can tell her now. There's no way I Can tell her later. Like, I just don't know when to tell her.
- [57:08]
B
It's gonna pile up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [57:10]
A
So I was like, I don't know what to do. So I ended up telling my baby daddy. I was like, hey, like, I'm pregnant. Like, he was like, you're lying. I was like, no. Like, I am actually pregnant. Like, I saw him in the picture. I was like, I am pregnant. Like, I've been feeling sick. Like, and I took a pregnancy test, and I. It came back positive. And when I was texting him that, I was like, let me go to check the My period app. I went to go check, and I was 10 days late. I was like, when I decide to check, it is when I already took the test, and I was 10 days late.
- [57:40]
B
You're like, babe, this is confirmation.
- [57:43]
A
Seriously? I was like, no. I was like, I am pregnant. He was like, what do you want to do? Like, is there. Like, are you. Like, do you know what you want to do? You do not know what you want to do. So we went to a. He took. He took me to a pregnancy center there by the house. They did an ultrasound. They found out I was already a month pregnant. And I had no. Had no idea. So I was already a month pregnant, had no clue that I was pregnant. Me thinking that I was like, period, like, period symptoms. Like, you know, they did an ultrasound. The baby was still too small to, like, hear a heartbeat. So they were like, like, do you want to come back? And, like, you know, they gave us ultrasound pictures, and it was like a little ball, like, a little circle, like, literally like this. And they were like, you can come back to get, like, a heartbeat ultrasound. I was like, okay, whatever. And I was like, so, so in shock still, like, that I was pregnant. And I still went to, like, Walgreens and bought, like, more pregnancy tests to make sure that I was actually pregnant. When I literally just got out, like, the pregnancy center with the ultrasound, I
- [58:37]
B
was like, what more confirmation do you need?
- [58:39]
A
No, seriously. I was like, there's no way I am pregnant. I was, like, freaking out. I didn't know what to do. And even then, like, I, like, didn't even. I feel like I didn't talk to my mom for, like, three days because I was trying to keep it from her, but, like. Because I told my mom and everything.
- [58:53]
B
Were you scared to tell her?
- [58:55]
A
I was super scared. I was terrified. I was like, I don't know. Like, is she going to be mad? Like, you know, like, is she going to, like, kick me out like, you know how there's. There's.
- [59:03]
B
Let me pack my.
- [59:04]
A
Right now. Cuz. You know how there's parents, like, when their kids find out they're pregnant, like, they're like, okay, you're. You did big girl things. You got to get out the house. Like, you know, you got to. You. You're out of the house. But my mom was like, well, I.
- [59:16]
B
How did you tell her? I was like, how did.
- [59:20]
A
I told her with him? Yeah, I told her with him. He was in the driver's seat. I was in the passenger. She was in the back. And at the time, like, like, again, a lot of. A lot of stuff was going on at home. So, like, she was with us. I don't know. We went to eat somewhere, and I could just tell, like, her vibe was so off. So I was so scared to tell her. Like, I didn't want to tell her, but I was like, I have to tell her because there's no other way for me to tell her. So I showed her, like, the pregnancy test and the ultrasound, and I'm being so blunt right now. She was upset. I feel like there was so much going on that I felt like she was already gonna, like, have the worst reaction. So when I told her, she was upset. Like, she was like, what is this? Like, there's so much going on, and you bring this? Like, you know. And I was like, I even, like, cried. Like, I was crying, and I dropped her off back at home. We left. I was, like, crying, like, the whole night. I cried. I cried, like, the entire night. I was crying to my baby daddy. I was crying to him. I was like, I don't know if I can do this. Like, I was, like, in my head about it. I was like, I don't know if I want to keep the baby. I don't know if I want to. Like, I don't know what to do. Like, I really don't know what to do. He was like, it's going to be okay. Like, it's just. There's so much going on. Like, maybe it's just in the moment that she has so much going on. Like, you know, like, she just reacted out of, like, you know, whatever is going on around. I was like, yeah. I was like, okay. So then she talked to me the next day. She was like. She texted me. She was like, hey, like, can you and Justin come so we can talk? And I was scared. I was terrified. I was super scared. I was like, I don't even want to go. Go, like, talk to my mom. Like, I don't even want to see her face because her reaction, like, it really hurt my feelings. I was like, the one person who has always been there for me. Like, I feel like in the moment, the way she reacted, I felt like she wasn't, like, there for me. And then she gets real, right? Yeah. I feel like any, like, you know, Hispanic parents, Like, it's like, yes. Like, it's like, seriously?
- [61:07]
B
Yeah.
- [61:07]
A
So she was like, hey, like, come over. Like, so me. Me and you can talk in him as well. So we picked her up, she got an the car. She was like, okay, like, what do you want to do? Like, is like, do you have a decision? Like, do you not want to keep the baby? Do you want to have, like, you know, like. And she was like, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did, and I just told her. I was like, no. Like, I. I want to keep the baby. Like, you know, because one thing about me, anybody that has met me, anybody that has been, like, my friend, like, and they know me, they know that I was always like, I don't want kids. Like, I do not want to have kids. Like, I'm gonna be, like, the rich auntie. Like, my brothers are gonna be the ones to have a baby, and I'm gonna be the auntie auntie to, like, buy them stuff, and I don't want kids. So I feel like it's very different when you find out you're pregnant. I wouldn't say, like, a very hard decision, but, like, it does completely change your life. Not only do you have to think about yourself, but you have to think about, like, another human being. Like, it's not about me no more. It's about, like, this baby I'm carrying in my stomach. Like, you know, so she was like, like, what do you want to do? Like, do you, like, want to keep the baby? I was like, I want to keep the baby. Like, I really. I love. I love him, and he's a very great person. And I know, like, when we have this kid, like, he's going to be even, like, a better person. At first, I was very hurt by, like, her reaction. Like, I said, I was super hurt. I was crying, like, all night. Like, I cried the entire night, even the next day. Like, my eyes were, like, swollen. I was very, like, hurt, because again, like, she was the one person who has supported me through everything. And I think her reaction, like, just hit me in the face, like, of, like, oh, like. Like, you know, like, it's very much
- [62:39]
B
like a big girl hit. Oh, now it's real life. Yeah.
- [62:43]
A
And also, like, she was the one to tell my dad. She told my dad that I was pregnant. Cuz I was terrible. It was like the complete opposite. So I wasn't scared to tell my mom, but I was. But I was terrified to tell my dad. And she told my dad. And my dad actually was the most unexpected reaction. He was like, it's gonna be okay. Like, you know, like now you have to think about the baby. Like, it's not about you. No, more like, you know, like everything's going to be fine. Like, things happen that aren't supposed to happen, but it's because, God, you know, like, things happen. And he was like, his reaction was so unexpected. Like, I thought he was going to be the one that was going to be like, get the. Like, you know, like. But no, like, his reaction was like the complete opposite of what, like I thought I was going to get. And I also did tell my brothers. I told my brothers, like, again, I'm super close to them. Like, I grew up around boys, like my whole, whole life. I'm the only girl cousin on my dad's. I mean, yeah, I'm the only. No, it's just me and my other cousin, Destiny, which a lot of them know because I used to post a lot with her too. She's my cousin. A lot of people think she's my sister, but she's my cousin. And we're the only girls on my dad's side. Like, we're the only two girls. So like, again, I grew up around boys. So when I told my brothers, I'm super close to both of them, like, there's not like a. Oh, I'm closer to this one. And I'm. No, it's both of them. And I told them and he was. They were like, what? And I started crying. Like, I literally started crying. Like, I was like, I was like, oh my God. Like, I just felt like. I don't know, I felt like so many emotions.
- [64:06]
B
Yeah.
- [64:06]
A
And my brothers were like, it's going to be like, they hugged me and they were like, it's going to be. I wish I recorded, but I didn't. He. They were like, it's going to be okay. Like, you know, things happen. Like, you're going to be a good mom. Like, they're just very, like, supportive. They're so supportive. Like, they're like, my brothers are my life. Like, literally. Like, I. They're my best friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Like, they're like, before I had my son. Like those were my kids. Like they were like we were ins. We still are inseparable. Like we're always like this. Like if we want to go out to eat. Like my brother be like, hey, did you eat? And he, if I'm like, no, he was like, let's go eat. Like, you know, like even now, like we look after, we look out after each other like a lot. And they're my best friends. Like I love them so much and they're like the best uncles. Like my son loves them. Like he could, like he could be with me and he sees his uncles and he wants to be with them instead of me. No, literally they grab him and he goes, bye, bye. I'm like, I'm like, okay. No, but yeah, my son loves them. Like they're like the best uncles ever.
- [65:08]
B
How was your pregnancy overall? Did you have any complications? Did you have any moments where you're like, this is so hard? Because I know pregnancy is a lot on a woman's body, on a women's mental health. How was your pregnancy overall?
- [65:23]
A
My pregnancy? I was very tired. The first trimester, it was pretty tough. I was throwing up a lot. I was throwing up a lot in my second trimester. I had headaches every day. I had headaches every day. They were like migraines. Like they were so bad. And one thing about me is I'm very paranoid with medicine. So I never took medicine when I was pregnant. I never took like Advil for like the headache or nothing. Like I was very like, I'm gonna, like I got pregnant, I'm gonna go through the headache and just not take nothing. It was good. I had, I think, I think around, I can't remember how many weeks I was, but I started spotting and I thought I was having a miscarriage cuz I was like spotting like a lot. And I remember I went to the restroom and I started bleeding. I was bleeding a lot. I was like, I even took a picture and I sent it to my mom. I was like, hey. I even called her. I was like, hey, I was crying. I was like, I'm bleeding. Like I don't know what to do. Like, what do I do? Like, am I having a miscarriage? I was like thinking of so many things. Like, cuz when you're pregnant and you use the restroom and you see like blood in your stomach, stool, you're like miscarriage. It's like the first thing you think about. And I even called her, I was like, what do I do? And we rushed to the Hospital. My boyfriend, we rushed to the hospital, and my mom, like, she met me up there. She went. She met me there. And they took me in. They checked my blood pressure. They checked everything. They even checked, did ultrasound. They were like, baby's okay. Like, everything's okay. Like, it's just some spotting you had. Like, it's nothing. Nothing serious. You just like, we're spotting. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, And I think that was the only time I ever spotted. But, like, when I. Like, when that happened, I was, like, freaking out. I was like, I'm having a miscarriage. And at this time, I hadn't announced my pregnancy. So I was like, you know, I was like, I didn't know what to do. Like, I was like, the only person I can call is my mom.
- [66:58]
B
Yeah.
- [66:58]
A
I was like, I don't know what to do. I think towards the end of my pregnancy, it started getting a little bit better. But like I said, I was always so skinny. I never went above, like, 100. I was always, like, in the 97, 95, like, up and down, up and down. It was never, like, over 100 ever. Like, I struggled with gaining weight with pregnancy. In pregnancy, the highest I weighted was 122. So, like, even that was a lot for me. I was like. Like, I'm. I'm big. Like, you know, like, I'm. I'm carrying this baby, and I'm really big.
- [67:24]
B
How was that for you? Because I feel like, you know, obviously you're creating life, and it's such a beautiful thing, but I feel like also as a woman, when you're seeing your body change, when you're seeing your body, you know, create this life, you're seeing yourself. I was like, o, shoot, I'm getting bigger. Weighing at a weight that I've never weighed in my life. Do you feel like, you know, apart from you being so happy to be a mom, was there ever moments where you're like, oh, my God, like, my body's changing? Like, you know, like, those emotional battles.
- [67:56]
A
I feel like I was again, I was always super skinny. So when I found out, like, how much I waited, I was like, like, am I gonna be, like, this big when, like, I have my baby? Like, am I gonna be like, you know, I feel like it took a toll of me, like, physically. Like, I wasn't, like, always, like. Like I said, I was always so skinny. So when I was, like, that big, it was so hard for me to even get up out of bed. Like, even, like, to be up walking around. Like, I was Always really tired. Like, I didn't even want to get out of bed sometimes. And I feel like a lot of people are like, oh, like, enjoy your pregnancy. Like, you know, like you're creating life. But I feel like a lot of mothers, like, they hate being pregnant and that does not make you a bad mom. Like you can hate being pregnant, pregnant and then like after you have your baby, you love motherhood. Like, there's nothing wrong with hating being pregnant and like liking to being pregnant. Like, you know, there's not like either. Or in the beginning I was like, okay, like I'm having this baby. Like, you know, I look good. Like, I didn't have a big belly either. But when I was like at the end of my trimester, like the third trimester, I was over it. I was like, okay, I'm ready. I'm like, get this baby out of me. So, yeah, how was labor for you?
- [68:58]
B
Did you feel like you had a smooth labor was like a complicated period,
- [69:03]
A
at least for me as a first time mom. First, first ever having a baby. I had him when I was 19, I think like a month later I turned 20. I had a smooth labor. At least I think so. I mean, it was my first time giving birth. I started contractions on a Thursday night, 7pm I started feeling the contractions. They were like 20 minutes apart. Like they were pretty much far apart. The next day, Friday morning, they were like getting closer. They were like 10 minutes, 5 minutes. I did a lot of like bouncing on the yoga ball and I did a lot of cur. Curb walking. So when I felt like my contractions were super, like five minutes, I went curb walking for like 10 minutes. I went back inside, I showered. After I got out the shower, my water broke. I started contracting. Thursday night, 7:00pm I had him. Friday night at 8:00pm it was like kind of like a 25 hour labor. Like I was an active labor for 25 hours. I got to the hospital. Well, before I got to the hospital, I went to get tacos because I was like, because when you're in labor, you can't eat. Like when you're in the hospital, they don't let you eat nothing. So before I left to the hospital, hospital, I was like, we need to go get tacos before, before we get like into anything serious.
- [70:07]
B
Starving girl. Any energy, any protein? Yes.
- [70:10]
A
We got to the hospital and they checked how many centimeters I was dilated. I was four. They're like, okay, so you're four, your water broke, you're getting admitted. So they admitted me to the hospital. And I was having contractions. And one thing about contractions, they're. They're the worst pain. Like, I think that's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life was the contractions. The only. Only thing is I'm very scared of needles. So I didn't get the epidural. I didn't. I got no epidural. So, like, I really pushed through the contractions. Yeah. And the pain. And I'm not going to lie, I was screaming at one point. Like, I was screaming. I was like, this hurts. Like, I was like, I can't. I even told, like, my mom was in the. So the ones that was in the. In the delivery room was my mom, my swagos and my man. He was in the delivery room. All of them were there. And I even told my mom, I was like, I can't do it. Like, I can't push. I cannot do this no more. Like, I can't do it. Like, just take this baby out of me. Like, let it. Like, I was literally like, can they just pull him out and then. Yeah. And they only. So they checked me how much I was dilated and I was 4 centimeters. They checked me again. They only checked me two times. And the second time they checked me, I was already 10. So they were like, okay. They were like, you need to push. I was like, no, like, I need to use the number two. Like, I feel like I need to use the number two. They were like, no, that's the baby coming. So they like put my legs up and they were like, push. They were like, ready when you get a contraction, push. So I started pushing. I only pushed for 10 minutes. And he came out. Yeah, that sounds.
- [71:33]
B
So it was like smooth.
- [71:34]
A
Yeah, but like, it was pretty smooth overall. Like, the pain was horrible, but like, I feel like I had a very, like, smooth.
- [71:39]
B
It could have been worse.
- [71:40]
A
It could have been worse. Yes.
- [71:41]
B
How was it like, you know, going home? I feel like as a first time mommy and also, you know, being so young, it's kind of like a. Yes, mija Salara Lidad, you've become a mother. Mother. What were like those early days? Like, did you have help? What was it like adjusting to motherhood?
- [72:00]
A
The crazy thing is my son, when he was born, he had respiratory distress. So basically what that means is he was having trouble breathing when he was. When I pushed him out, you could see like his stomach was retracting. Like, you could see his ribs when he was breathing. And his nose were like her. His nostrils, they were flaring. So that means that he was like having respiratory distress. So they admitted him to the nicu. He was in the nicu. He stayed in the hospital for six days. So when I got discharged, I went home without my son. And I was in the parking lot for an hour crying. Before I actually left, like, the hospital with my man, I was in the parking lot crying for an hour. I was like, I can't leave. Like, I don't want to leave him. Because the NICU had already closed. Like, because they have their hours where they're open and the NICU had already closed. And they were like, okay, like, go home, like, get some rest. Like, you know he's gonna be here. Like, you can come and see him. And the morning. And at the time I had him, there was a snowstorm in Houston. And then it doesn't snow in Texas
- [72:51]
B
at that one time where it was like, crazy.
- [72:53]
A
Everyone was like, what the heck? Like, it's snow. Like, and that's when I had my son. So I was like, I don't want to leave. Like, cuz what if I can't come see him because of all this snow? Like, I was like crying for hours. I was like, I don't want to leave. Like, I was in the parking lot for an hour. I was like, I can't leave him. Like, there's no way I'm gonna leave the hospital without my son. And I feel like it was more hard on me because I was a first time mom and I experienced expected like this. Like, okay, I have my son. We're gonna go home. We're gonna be at home, we're gonna be all together. So like, when I left without him, I was like, I was devastated. I couldn't even leave the hospital. I was like, I'm gonna sleep in the car. I was like, I'm gonna wait for him and I'm gonna go in the hospital when the NICU opens. But I ended up going home. I was home. It was okay. Like, again, I did tear when I had him. I teared a little bit down there. I had a. I got a few stitches. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. I feel like the contractions were way more PA painful than like the whole stitching and everything. When I went home without him, I was like. I was like, I feel like the saddest ever. I was so devastated.
- [73:48]
B
How was it like when you finally got to take him home again?
- [73:51]
A
He stayed in the NICU for six days and the snowstorm was happening. Like, there Was snow everywhere. Like, people were like, where? What are we gonna do? Like, everything was basically closed. And the good thing about, like, hospitals, they have generators. So, like, we were able to go visit him, but we would have to be, like, very careful, like, driving there. Like, it was, like, a very, like, risky, like, drive. But we went to visit him every day. Like, we went every day to go see him. We did not miss a day. And the one day we. Which was the sixth day that we picked him up, we didn't expect for him to come home with us. So we were on the way, and the doctor called me. I'm like, man, this is his NICU doctor. I'm like, maybe something happened. Like, I was taking the worst. He called me. He was like, hello. Like, is this Matthias parents? That's my son's name. He was like, is this his parents? I was like, yes. I was like, what's going on? He was like, everything looks good with Matthias. Like, you know, like, he's looking very good. He's breathing really good. He's off oxygen for more than 24 hours. He had a little bit of jaundice, so he was under the blue light for, like, a day or two. He was like, his blood levels look good. Like, he can go home today. I was like. I was like, okay. I was like, so now you need to speed and get to the hospital. I want to go get my baby. I was like. We got to the hospital, they were, like, checking him. They were discharging him. When they discharged any baby from the hospital, they do a hearing test, and my son didn't pass the hearing test. And the doctor told us. She was like, oh, like, it could be every. It happens to me. Like, most babies, like, they have fluid in their ears. Ears. So they failed the first, like, newborn test. I said, okay. Like, I didn't think much of it. Like, you know, I was like, never, like, oh. Like, you know, something could, like, really be wrong with my, like, his hearing. And then we scheduled another hearing test. We took him. I think it was like a week after two weeks, and he didn't pass again. They were like, maybe he still has more fluid. Like, you know, like, come back. So we went back in a few more weeks. Again, he didn't pass it, but they were. They weren't telling us a lot. Like,
- [75:32]
B
maybe he can't hear at that moment.
- [75:34]
A
At the moment? Yeah. Never really, like, was like, oh, like he can't hear, you know, like, yeah, but I always thought, no, not even that. But I was like, he's so little. So how could they even tell if he can hear? Like, you know, like he's a newborn baby. Like how can you really tell? It was not until he was five months he got a hearing test done and that's when they confirmed his diagnosis of being profoundly deaf. So he is profoundly deaf in both ears. So that means he cannot hear like nothing. So basically how a hearing test works is how like they put like kind of like headphones and of his ears and they put like little stickers on his forehead like connected to like wires. They play like a bunch of sounds. The lowest sound they play is like a little bird chirping. And the highest sound they play is when a plane is taking off. And they were basically like, he doesn't react to nothing. So he doesn't react to like the bird tripping. He doesn't react to like a lawnmower. He doesn't react to like the highest sound which is a plane taking off. They were like, he's not reacting to none of it. So that's when they diagnosed him with profound hearing loss. So he's profound family death.
- [76:32]
B
How was that for you as a mother, you know, as a first time mom too, regardless, first or second, third, whatever, you know, as a mom, you know, yeah, you want your baby to be the healthiest, everything to be okay. What were you feeling that moment? Were you shocked, scared, sad? And how did that diagnose change, you know, your whole mentality on like, oh, I'm going to be a mom. Because Circo, a whole like, oh, if I would think I was going this way, it's like, no, things are different now.
- [77:07]
A
When I found out that my son was deaf, it like flipped my world upside down. I remember when they told me and my man, the son of my father, he, we were both like, are you like, are you sure? Like we even asked her like, are like, are you sure? Like, what does this mean for him? And she, well, she explained it to us like how he failed the test. And she was like, he basically like doesn't react to no noise. And I was like. And I started crying instantly. I was like, like there's no way, like my son like can't hear me. Like my son doesn't know what, like I sound like he doesn't know what, like his uncles, his dad, like he doesn't hear when we talk to him. Like, you know, and again, I didn't think much of it cuz he was so little. So I didn't know. Like, oh, like, yeah, my son could be deaf and Again, there's nothing wrong with being deaf at all. Like it was just a very much like of a shocker to me because nobody in our family had. Has any like hearing loss. So it was very, a shock for both of us. I remember when we left, we sat in the parking lot for an hour and a half. Like just crying. Like we were like we were so confused. Like we were like we were even questioning God. Like why, why us? Like you know, and why our son? Like, you know, like we're first time parents. Like we don't know what we're doing yet and like for this to like hit us like be like, oh, like your son is deaf. It was very. Like I felt like it was very hard on both of us. Like we were, were both like what do we do? Like we didn't know much. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't know much about the deaf community. Like I didn't know much. All I know is like, you know, people are deaf. But I didn't know nothing about like you know, hearing aids or like any cochlear. Like I didn't know nothing. So when they gave us the news like it was upsetting. I remember after we cried, I even called my mom. I was like bawling. I was like my. Like I was like he can't hear. Like you know, like he, he's. He doesn't hear me. He doesn't hear you? Like he doesn't hear. His was that. I was like, I was like what did I do? Like I was even upset. I was so angry at myself and I was so angry. Like, which I hate to say. Like I was so angry at God. I was like, I was like why? Like why, why did it have to be me? Like what did it have to be my son? I was just so hurt. I was angry. I was hurt. I was, I was feeling everything you feel when you don't like and like you don't expect these type of things. Now that I look back at myself like when I first found out. I wish I could tell myself like it's gonna be okay. Like he. I'm sorry.
- [79:21]
B
An amazing child.
- [79:22]
A
He is like, he is perfect. Like he has the most like he has such an. Like, how do I say he has to like an amazing person personality. Like his, like he is like amazing. Like he, he's very loving. And one thing I learned about like him him is like the difference of like love and action and in words. Cuz that's how my son like at first when he was dead like, that's how he felt love was through action, through, like, people that would show up for him and that would be there for him. Like, it showed him a lot. And I feel like that's the way he is now because he. He's like, my son is a character. Like, he got a coke is. He got a surgery called cochlear. So basically it's like an implant that goes in. In his head and it sends sounds to his brain. So he has like an implant in his head and he wears like, kind of like. I will kind of explain it, like, as headphones. Like, kind of like headphones. He wears them on his ears and he has like, this little string that kind of connects to the magnet in his head and that sends sounds to his brain. And I remember, like, when he first, like when he got activated, which was in January, they turned them on in January. He got his surgery in December, but they turned them on in January. His reaction was kind of like. It was like he was shocked. Like he was scared. He was very scared. It's kind of like how I explain this. Like, let's say you're in a room trapped for a whole year in a dark room with no light. Like, a whole room. Like, the room is all black, and you're trapped in that room for a whole year. And then like, I don't know, where someone comes and turns on that light and you're like, oh, like, what the.
- [80:54]
B
From the doctors. Did you guys have any moments where they told you guys, like, you know, there's hope for him to eventually hear you. You guys, like, you know good and everything. What has been the treatments, like, and how has everything that has happened changed your whole way of how you thought motherhood was going to be for you?
- [81:14]
A
We find out he was deaf when he was five months. He got his surgery when he was 11 months. So, like, for up until five to 11 months, we went through like, a bunch of, like, hospital, like, checks. Like, he got it mri. So he got an MRI to make sure he had a cochlea. It's like what they basically have for you to have for. For you to be able to get the surgery. We went through that. It was. It was horrible. Like, I literally had to keep him up for hours. He woke up, like, at 3am and his meeting was at 8am for his MRI. I literally had to keep him up. And I felt so bad. Like, as a mom, like, you're like. Like, you know, like, you don't want to, like, fail. Like, he was like. Like in the Car. Like, he was falling asleep, and I literally had to wait, wake him up. We got to the hospital, we changed him to the gown, and we put him in the MRI machine. And thankfully, like, he was, like, asleep through the whole mri. Like, he did not move. Like, he was, like, knocked out. Like, he was super tired. And I still felt so bad because I had to put him through that. But it was just to see if he was like, he qualified. Qualified for the surgery. And, like, we waited for months for even, like, for a meeting with the. With the surgeon. Like, we waited for, like, two, three months for us to have, like, an official meeting with the surgeon for him to take, tell us, like, okay, like, your son qualifies for the surgery. This is his surgery date, or this is what you have to do. We still went through, like, hospital. We went to the hospital, like, a few times for him to get blood drawn, and even, like, meetings with, like, audiologists to make sure, like, you know, like, his diagnosis is, like, right and everything. And then. Yeah. And then, like, they finally gave us a surgery date, which was the beginning of this year, January. And then his audiologist was like, like, you know, like, let me see if I can, like, squeeze you in with the surgery and, like, surgeon sooner. Yeah. And thankfully, like, he was able to schedule this for December 12th last year. He got his surgery, and I was terror even then. I was so terrified for him to go under surgery, even anesthesia, like, for him to be put to sleep. I was terrified. Like, I was like, I was even in my head, I was like, baby, yes, he's a baby. And I was, he's not even one year. So I was like, do I want to put him through this? Do, like, I want to go through this? Like, is it, like, really worth it? You know, in the back of my head, I was like, is he gonna hate me? Because I want him to hear me, me, you know, I was thinking so much of it. I was like, I don't know what to think. Like, I was just overthinking a lot. I was in my head about it. And then, yeah, like, we agreed to get the surgery done. He got his surgery on December 12th. We waited. It was a four and a half hour surgery. Throughout the whole surgery, like, the surgeons were, like, keeping us updated. Like, okay, like, we are making an incision. Like, we're putting every step. Every step. Yes. I felt more at ease because they kept texting us through every step. But I was still so terrified. His surgery was over. He stayed overnight at the hospital. He did stay overnight. The next morning, he got discharged. We went home, and he was pretty swollen. Like, he was like super swollen from the face. Like, it was really bad. I was even scared. I was like, is this normal?
- [84:03]
B
Yeah.
- [84:04]
A
I was like. I was like, what's going on? Like, you know, And. Well, he was just taking medicine for the pain, but he did really good. Like, two days after surgery, he was back to his normal self. Like, he was like, playing. Like he was acting goofy. Like he was just himself. He was. Goes back to normal, you know?
- [84:20]
B
And as a mother, you're like, okay, what are the next steps? What do I have to do to be able to be there for my son? You know, has the thought of, like, learning sign language, has that been, like, a thought? Like, what has been that journey, like, for you? Because I also feel like, you know, like a whole, like, wow, I didn't expect this. But now, because I love my son and I want him to, like, we. I want to communicate, like, parte. Is that something that you're, like, thinking of doing? What has that journey been like?
- [84:51]
A
I'm still learning sign language. I don't do not know a lot, but I have been learning sign language for him. We do signed stuff that I do know. Like, let's go play. Let's eat. Do you want water? Like, a bunch of stuff like that. I've learned. I know my ABCs in sign language in ASL. I feel like I was like, not even that. It wasn't even like, oh, like, I want my son to hear. No, it was more like. Like, of like, I want my son to know that he has an option that if he doesn't later on when he's older and he doesn't want to hear, he doesn't want to have his cochlear on. That is perfectly fine. That's why I'm learning sign language. You know, I just want him to know that he has that option to be like, okay, like, I want to hear or like, oh, no, I don't want to hear. Like, I just want to, like, communicate, like, my language, which is sign language, you know, and that's why, like, I went out my way and I learned sign language. And I have, like, even in the beginning, I was like, I buy. Bought flashcards, I bought books, I was looking into classes. I even downloaded an app or like, I even pay for like a whole year subscription. Like, I did all of that. I was like, I want to be able to communicate with him whether it's. It's verbally or if it's sign Language, it doesn't like, you know, as long as I'm able to communicate with him, like, that's all that really matters to me.
- [86:00]
B
That comes a lot with motherhood, you know, like the ability to not put yourself first, you know, we're here about my son and I'm gonna do whatever the I can and I'm gonna put literally, like, I'm gonna make it happen for him, you know? What do you feel like everything that you've gone through, his journey, do you feel like it's made you be like, you know what? Patience. What has that taught you about yourself?
- [86:24]
A
I feel like it's taught me a lot about being more patient, you know, like, you never really know what can happen. You do not know. Like I said when we. When I had my son, I thought I was going to go home with my son, but I didn't, you know, it. I really taught me to like, you know, like, not think so ahead, like, just go take a day at a time. Because I was more of like thinking. Thinking ahead. Like, I can't wait for this. I can't wait for. For that. But I feel like it taught me to be like, take it a day at a time, you know? And he has taught me so much. Like, he has taught me how to love. In many ways, he. He is. My son is such a character. He's so funny. Even now with his cochlear like, he. His personality has came out so much more. My son is such a character. He's like the funniest kid ever. And he's super smart like my son. Like, he picks up on things super fast. Like, he's super smart. He's the sweetest person ever. One thing about him is like, since he is deaf, sometimes we. When he doesn't have his cochlears on, he can be very like, shy and like very like closed off. Like he does. If he doesn't really know you, he won't even like, he'll just stare at you. He won't say hi unless he gets comfortable with you. Like he will. And also he does. He has therapy. So he has therapy every Mondays. He also does have therapies, like where they come to the house and they teach him stuff and they play with him. That's called like eci. We'll also be starting school in August. It's a deaf school. It's where he goes for some speech therapy. So it's speech therapy, audiology. And it's also a school. It's a deaf school. Just so he can also yes, you can.
- [87:53]
B
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