← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Miranda Rae Talks All: Childhood, Bullying, Hospitalizations, CHISME & MORE!
01:47:17
Loading summary
Transcript404 lines
- [00:00]
Sponsor Announcer
This podcast is brought to you by Aura, the most complete online safety toolkit. 2024 has seen a massive surge in high profile data breaches, raising serious concerns about the security of your personal information. Dell's breach exposed 3.9 million customer records. And Ticketmaster also faced a massive breach, compromising over 560 million records. And most alarming of all, this past summer, national Public Data reported a breach potentially affecting Every single American. 2.9 billion records used for background checks were stolen and released to the public for free. If this all sounds pretty scary, it's because it is. You've never been more vulnerable in the digital world than you are right now. But before I keep spouting dark statistics and grim news stories, I'll share some positive news. This podcast is thrilled to partner with Aura, who monitors the dark web for users phone numbers, emails and Social Security numbers, delivering real time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. And even better than that, Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance, making sure you have a safety net in the event of a worst case scenario. Aura is a complete online safety toolkit which includes a variety of other features to keep you safe online. They have a VPN for security secure browsing. They even have a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords and more. I've already started all my holiday shopping for my friends and family and I can rest easy knowing that Aura has my back. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.comdefense that's aura.comdefense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones once more. That's a U R a dot com defense. Certain terms apply so be sure to check their site for details.
- [02:06]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, that was. That was really how it it it. Just like I remember I had to end up going to the police because she just wouldn't stop like it continued.
- [02:34]
Alanized
What is up everyone? I'm your host Alanized and this is Noche de Pendejadas, your favorite podcast turned talk show. And on the Yo Trago atus influencers favoritos al sol. So excited to bring to you guys. So without further ado, please help me welcome my guest tonight, Miranda Ray.
- [03:00]
Miranda Ray
Hi guys.
- [03:02]
Alanized
Hello.
- [03:02]
Miranda Ray
Hello.
- [03:03]
Alanized
How are you?
- [03:04]
Miranda Ray
I'm nervous.
- [03:06]
Alanized
Welcome to LA first of all.
- [03:07]
Miranda Ray
Oh, thank you.
- [03:08]
Alanized
You just landed when? Yesterday or today?
- [03:10]
Miranda Ray
Two days ago.
- [03:11]
Alanized
How was that? How has LA life been? I Know you're a New York girly. How has your trip or what are you planning to do this whole time you're here in la?
- [03:19]
Miranda Ray
Had a little special something to do while I'm here. Can't get into it yet, but you'll know soon. A little teaser. But yeah, I just came, you know, to do the little podcast, My first ever podcast. Kind of nervous, so I'm sorry if I stutter a little bit, but, you know, I'm just a little nervous. It's like my first time, but we'll. We'll get through it. I'm excited. But yeah, it's been fun. I've been a lot. I used to come here like literally like once a month a while ago, but I kind of stopped. I'm happy to be back because the last time I came here was like almost a year ago. And I'm like, it's been. Yeah, it's. It's been a bit. I've been stuck in New York. Like, I've been in the city doing my thing. I'm like, no, I need to like, come out and like, touch the palm trees.
- [04:04]
Alanized
Literally. I'm like, I'm glad you're here with us today, you guys. We actually got connected through our management. I know you were out here and your management had reached out and I started diving into your content. I'm like, oh, my God, yes. Bring her on. Let's make it happen. And I'm so excited to be able to have you here sitting down with me to get to know you a little bit more than what I see online. Siste la conos en amigas ocino. Oy vana salid el dia de hoy conociendo un poquito mas ameranda. So before we go ahead and get started with the cheeseme, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the mic so you can tell us a little bit more of who you are and what you do.
- [04:43]
Miranda Ray
Hi. So my name is Miranda ray. I do TikTok and YouTube. I mainly just do kind of like funny lifestyle vlog type stuff. I never really know how to explain it. I kind of just say like, vlogs with like a lot of like zoom ins and fart sound effects.
- [05:01]
Alanized
Yes.
- [05:02]
Miranda Ray
But yeah, that's just like my thing. I also like, dye my hair a lot, so I got my pink hair.
- [05:08]
Alanized
This is like the 25th time you dyed it this year. And the.
- [05:11]
Miranda Ray
No, no, not this year. Like, and maybe in the past, like 365 days, maybe like three years. I think this is like, my 30th hair color, but I love it.
- [05:21]
Alanized
You just dyed it pink, like, last week, right?
- [05:24]
Miranda Ray
Literally on Friday. It's like a tattoo. Like, once you get your first one, you're like, oh, well, I need more of these, like, now.
- [05:32]
Alanized
It's never, like, falling off.
- [05:34]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, no. Well, she's. She's. You can't tell because of the extensions. My. My natural hair is, like, really up to here. But when I went blonde for the first time, it's. It started The. The hair loss started. But we're. I have a, you know, a hair girl now that she protects me. She was like. Because my. I wanted to do, like, light pink, but she was like, girl, you're delusional. Like, you need to do hot pink because we're not doing light pink. Because in order to do light pink, you need to have, like, white hair.
- [06:02]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [06:03]
Miranda Ray
She's like, you're.
- [06:04]
Alanized
Funny story. I had light pink hair years ago. Never again. There was, like, a whole time, like, a whole era where I dyed my hair, like, green. I was blonde. I was also, like a baby champagne pe. Pink. But I would never do it again, I swear to God. My hair, like, literally was so dry and it started falling off because my hair stylist at the time would make me go in almost, like, every other day to get it retouched. But funny thing is, whenever I would go into her, like, shop to, like, get it, like, you know, make it bring it back to life, it would look nice, but then I would go home and it'd be stuck with the dry ass hair.
- [06:40]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Because, you know, they style it. They make it look.
- [06:42]
Alanized
Yes. They put the oils and everything.
- [06:44]
Miranda Ray
She was doing it that often. Like, it's like, you're not supposed to, like, do it that way.
- [06:48]
Alanized
How often do you do it?
- [06:50]
Miranda Ray
She's like, me, because as soon as I see. I already see a little brown because my hair grows really fast. I'm like, you're like, I need to go get another. I need to go to the salon. Like, what's tea? Like, I need to, like. I'm.
- [07:01]
Alanized
Girl, do you have, like, a whole extensive, like, hair routine or.
- [07:04]
Miranda Ray
No, not really. I just, like, don't wash my hair often.
- [07:07]
Alanized
Okay. I think that's.
- [07:08]
Miranda Ray
That's, like, a trick.
- [07:09]
Alanized
My problem was that I know girls are very big on, like, washing your hair one day, washing your hair another day, or not washing it the next day. I've always been. Never been able to do that. When I was getting my hair dyed, my girl was like, oh, my God, you can't, like, shower every day. And I'm like, what do you mean? She was like, just put a bag or something. I'm like, girl, like, I feel dirty if I do that. Like, does that ever happen to you, like, as a girl? Let's be honest. Do you ever come out of the shower and be like, oh, my God, I don't feel clean because I didn't wash my hair?
- [07:36]
Miranda Ray
No. I'm like, I'm the nastiest girl ever.
- [07:40]
Alanized
Like, I don't know how you're showering, babes.
- [07:42]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Like, ew, Fucking nasty. Not really. Because also, the reason why I don't wash my hair a lot is because it fades if you wash it too much. And when the hair fades, I lose my power. I feel like my. My hair color vibrancy is like my social battery. And the more faded it gets, I'm like, I need to stay home and be away from people.
- [08:03]
Alanized
You know what color I loved? There was a TikTok. I was literally, like, snooping on TikTok last night and the night before. And there was a specific video where you started and you went like this. And like, the hair. It was like a hair transition and it was like, it. White hair. It was like white hair with.
- [08:19]
Miranda Ray
I did that myself.
- [08:20]
Alanized
You did that yourself?
- [08:21]
Miranda Ray
That was when I was doing my hair myself. I went from like a. Literally, like the. Your name, like, like vibrant blue to white in one sitting. I didn't know that you couldn't keep bleaching your hair for two hours. I did it and I was like, oh. Like, I came, I rinsed my hair. I was like. I was like. I went downstairs like, mommy, touch my hair. Like, it's so healthy. Because when your hair is, like, wet, it feels nicer. So I'm like, oh, look at my hair. Like, and it's like, I did this all myself. Like, I need to go to beauty school. Like, girl, I'm going to drop out of college. Play with me. And then I started drawing it and.
- [08:58]
Alanized
Oh started off flaking.
- [09:01]
Miranda Ray
And that's when I was doing like, my. My, like my slow mo hair flips and everything. So, like, my whole content was like, only my hair. And I was like, well, like, I'm bald.
- [09:12]
Alanized
Next video is like, I'm going bald. I feel like if you're doing a lot to your hair, you have to know how to take care of it. And I feel like maybe the reason why it never worked out for was because I was washing it every day my hair was fading. So then I Would have to go get it touched up. So I'm gonna go ahead and we're gonna start with the cheeseme. I really want to get started on getting to know a little bit more about you and who you are. So we're gonna go ahead and start off with the first question. I love starting with, how was Miranda growing up? Come on.
- [09:48]
Miranda Ray
I always grew up very shy, which is like, kind of surprising because, like, my whole thing on the Internet is like, I'm loud as hell and I'm like, annoying. So. But I was like, surprisingly like, so shy. Like, I had like really bad attachment issues, like with my mom. Like, I was like to her hip, like at their wedding. I was 2 years old when my parents got married. I literally was like, I ruined the whole thing because, like, she was like walking down the aisle and I was next to her. Yes. And my grandma, like, tried to put me on her lap and I was like screaming. And they're like saying like, you're the love of my. And I'm like, ah. Like, give me my mom. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, I look back, I'm like, that's so embarrassing. I was so attached to my mom. That carried on into like my, you know, elementary school life where I was just like, I was so to myself, whatever, you know, around my family. I was how I am now, like super bubbly and everything. But I feel like around people I didn't know I was closed off. Yeah, I was pretty shy.
- [10:46]
Alanized
For those of you guys that don't know, Miranda is out here in la, but she is from New York. What was it like growing up in such a fast paced city?
- [10:54]
Miranda Ray
I was born in Long island and then I was raised in Queens for two years and then we moved upstate New York. So I wouldn't say I'm like a city girl, even though I wish I was. But like, that's more of my parents. My dad is from the Bronx and then my mom is from Long Island. But then we moved up to upstate where I still live now. And.
- [11:18]
Alanized
Like, I hate it. Would you want to move out here?
- [11:21]
Miranda Ray
There was a time where I wanted to. Now I'm like the place I am now. Like, I'm like, maybe I'll wait. Yeah, I'll wait a little bit. I think I'm more of a. I like my seasons. I like, like seeing the seasons. I like the vibe in New York. I like the city. I like Manhattan. Yeah. I always wanted to live in the city. I'm like, maybe one day I'll do.
- [11:42]
Alanized
It you'll get a little apartment out there. You know what's so funn? My boyfriend for the longest, he's always loved New York. Right? We've gone to New York plenty of times and to me like I like it, but to visit, I don't ever see myself living there. And there was a time my boyfriend was like, oh, we should move, we should move. And I'm like, girl, I ain't giving up the space we have here for the little loft we're going to get over there. Because even the hotels are tiny, but tiny and expensive. You guys like literally you get a 4x4 room and it's like $1,000 for a two day stay. I think what it is, I grew up in OC which is this area which is still like 30, 40 minutes maybe from LA. How far was it from LA to here?
- [12:22]
Miranda Ray
My drive was an hour.
- [12:23]
Alanized
Okay. So it's not too much an hour.
- [12:25]
Miranda Ray
But I think that was traffic.
- [12:26]
Alanized
Yeah. Cuz usually it's like a 30, 40 minute drive. So to me living in this area, being so close to la, I'm like, okay, this is home. Like I love it here. We have a big backyard.
- [12:36]
Miranda Ray
This is where it is. So much better than la.
- [12:39]
Alanized
I would never. You know what's funny? When I was, when I started like blowing up and I was like, oh my God, LA is the place to be. There was a time where I wanted to move to la, but I feel like la, as was New York, it's such like a fast paced life. Do you agree like that? Do you feel like when you live or when you're in New York you feel like you're constantly like, okay, on the go. On the go, baby.
- [12:57]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, yeah. New York City is a lot more fast paced than like where I live. Especially like I live more in the suburbs.
- [13:03]
Alanized
Okay.
- [13:03]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like it's, you know, very. It's like there's literally like the reason why I don't really like it is because there's nothing to do there. Like girl, like, like in high school, like you know, here I feel like you can like go to the, the fair, you can go like roller skating. Like where I lived, like you go to the mall. I was going on a boyfriend in middle school. Like we're going to go to Hollister and like walk around and I don't know, flirt. Like what? Like there's nothing to do there. There was like a time where public skating, like figure skating was like popular. So that was the thing for me in like middle school. But that's, like, not a thing anymore. Like, my brother is younger than me. I have a younger brother. And, like, when he was in high school, like, what do you do?
- [13:41]
Alanized
So what do you do for fun, like, growing up? Would you just kind of play in your backyard, kind of mind your business? So what was Miranda doing, you know, when there was nothing to do at her hometown?
- [13:51]
Miranda Ray
Well, when I was younger, I mainly just remember me with my cousins. I have two cousins that I was very close to growing up. And when they would come over, it was like, we were just, like, hanging out. Yeah, we were just having, like, sleepovers. Like, it was like. Like, some of my best memories are with my two cousins. Shout out, Sierra and Ashley. Love you guys. But, yeah, we would just, you know, do fun things. I feel like my parents, like, found things for us to do, like, even. Or, like, my other older cousin, like, she would take us, like, hiking and stuff, but she also lived in, like, a different town, like, and maybe that town, like, had more things to do, but I feel like on my own, I would just play with the kids in my neighborhood, like, just, like, in the cold. Because growing up, like, I lived in a cul de sac, and the. The thing we would do is, like, ride our bikes. And, like, I feel like as children.
- [14:45]
Alanized
It'S not really, like, a big deal. It doesn't get, like, serious when there's nothing to do until, like, you get older and you want to go out as a kid. Baby, as long as you have your imagination. Give me a bite. Give me whatever, and I'm good. I want to talk a little bit about your roots. For those of you guys that don't know, you have Bolivian, Puerto Rican, and Costa Rican roots. Can you share with us what these cultures mean to you personally? And which of all three do you feel like you were more closer to growing up?
- [15:13]
Miranda Ray
My mom is Bolivian and Costa Rican because my grandfather is Bolivian, and then my grandmother is Costa Rican, and then my dad is Puerto Rican. So I feel like I'm mainly in tuned with, like, my Puerto Rican side just because my dad's whole family is Puerto Rican. And he. His family was also closer, like, in distance to where we used to live. Like, I have. He had his, like, all of his siblings and everything close by. So I felt like I've learned more about the Puerto Rican culture through, you know, being with my family. My two cousins that I was talking about, they're on my dad's side, but I feel like growing up, like, it. My. The culture mainly showed through, like, you know, Tradition with, like, family tradition and, you know, dishes that, you know, my mom would make with my grandmother, like, things like that.
- [16:08]
Alanized
Is there certain, like, holidays or just traditions in general that you've carried on from either of, of, you know, the cultures?
- [16:15]
Miranda Ray
I mean, we still do like, Christmas Eve, you know, with like, my mom's side and then Christmas Day with my dad's side and stuff like that.
- [16:24]
Alanized
Do you celebrate Bolivian Mother's Day? Because I know I have a friend that her mom's Bolivian, and they have like, a whole other day. It's not like our Mother's Day. Do you guys carry on that tradition or. No.
- [16:34]
Miranda Ray
Never heard of that. You don't? No. I, I also, like, I'm not really, like, I'm more, I, I, I, like I said, I'm, I'm more in touch with the Puerto Rican side. Just because, like, my grandparents live in Florida. I don't get to see them a lot, so. And my mom's side of the family, like, they're mostly in Florida or Long Island. None of them really live close by, so I feel like it's a little harder to, like, learn more about.
- [17:01]
Alanized
Have you been to Puerto Rico or any of Costa Rica?
- [17:04]
Miranda Ray
I've been to Puerto Rico. I went with my dad for a wedding when I was, was pretty young. I've only been twice. One was this time, and then another was, like, we went on a cruise and it was like, for a few hours. Yeah, it was, it was so fun. You know, he, I went to, like, where he was from and everything, and it was really cool to, like, see family that, you know, I never met before. And, like, you're my tia. Like, I've never seen you. Titi.
- [17:29]
Alanized
What?
- [17:30]
Miranda Ray
Like, I didn't know you, like, what, or like, cousins that I didn't know I had and stuff like that. It was a lot of fun. I, I enjoyed it. I would love to go back to, like, especially with my dad.
- [17:42]
Alanized
Yeah. Like, just vacation or like, just to.
- [17:44]
Miranda Ray
Be with your family.
- [17:45]
Alanized
And I've heard Puerto Rico's really beautiful.
- [17:47]
Miranda Ray
Yeah.
- [17:48]
Alanized
Is that where they have, like, the plantains? They eat a lot of plantains.
- [17:52]
Miranda Ray
Yeah.
- [17:53]
Alanized
Like, chili's not very popular out there. Like sauces, like spices.
- [17:57]
Miranda Ray
I don't know.
- [17:58]
Alanized
I think I had someone from Puerto Rico not too long ago, and they're like, oh, if you go to Puerto Rico, make sure you bring your Tapatio, your Valentina, because you will not find any of that out there. Oh, maybe I'll using it for somewhere else.
- [18:10]
Miranda Ray
I went, like, so long ago and I probably wasn't paying attention to.
- [18:13]
Alanized
Are you like a big Spice person, though?
- [18:15]
Miranda Ray
Not really.
- [18:16]
Alanized
Okay, so maybe that's why you didn't pay attention too much, because you're like, girl, I'm eating my food without the spice.
- [18:20]
Miranda Ray
I was just known for white rice and black beans. Like, I just loved my rice and beans. Like, I literally. I made a song with my cousins, and we would sing it, like, when my mom was cooking dinner.
- [18:32]
Alanized
What was it? Sing the song for us.
- [18:35]
Miranda Ray
Okay, ready? This is my. This is. This is my songwriting skills. I would sing this with my cousin while my mom was cooking dinner because we would, like. My mom is like, an amazing cook, and we would get so excited when she would be cooking. So this is the song that me and my cousins made. It's. It's really simple. You can catch on. It's like, tostones, mojito. Tostones, Mojitos. Rice, Beans.
- [19:06]
Alanized
Yes, beans.
- [19:08]
Miranda Ray
And we would just repeat that while she's fucking cooking, she's like, shut up. Like, damn. Y'all are like, okay, I'll feed you soon. Like, we didn't just eat, like, two hours ago. Yeah, like, oh, my God. But my mom's food. Ugh, It's. It's amazing.
- [19:20]
Alanized
Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Alma believes that therapy is more impactful when you feel heard and understood. That's why they help people find a therapist who really gets them the right someone to talk to, not just anyone. Alma can help you find a therapist who gets you. When you browse the directory, you can filter by what you want to focus on. For example, anxiety, relationship, or big life transitions, as well as any preference around gender, sexuality, faith, and more. Alma can help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. People who find in network care through Alma save an average of 77% on the cost of therapy. It's easy to get started with Alma. Browse the directory without creating an account or sharing payment information. You can book a free consultation call with any therapist you're interested in seeing. These 15 minute calls give you a chance to see if they're a good fit for you so you can find someone you really click with. Even though I'm currently not in therapy, I know the importance of having someone in my life who truly understands where I'm coming from. For those of you guys that follow me always, the past month and a half has been one of the hardest months of my life. And going through everything I've been through this past month with my grandpa's passing, I wish I could have been in therapy prior and during the process to really help me kind of navigate these feelings of grief to join therapy. If you've been considering finding a licensed professional to help you work through your own life challenges, give ALMA a try. ALMA can help you find the right therapist for you, not just anyone. Visit hello Alma.com Allen to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's hello A L M A.com Allen.
- [21:07]
Sponsor Announcer
This podcast is brought to you by Aura A Complete Online Safety Toolkit this past summer, National Public Data reported a breach potentially affecting Every American. Over 2.9 billion records used for background checks were stolen. If safeguarding personal information wasn't a priority before this incident should serve as a critical wake up call. You're more vulnerable than ever in today's digital landscape. That's why we're thrilled to partner with Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users, phone numbers, emails and Social Security numbers, delivering real time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. Additionally, Aura provides up to 5 million in identity theft insurance, offering a robust safety net in the event of a worst case scenario. Aura is a complete online safety toolkit which includes a variety of other features to keep you safe online, including a VPN for secure browsing, data broker, opt out to stop companies from selling your personal information, and a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords. For a limited time. Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free. When you visit aura.comdefense that's aura.comdefens to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a u r a.com defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.
- [22:38]
Miranda Ray
Sauce When I was growing up, anything with rice and beans, like my mom's rice and beans, like I was like.
- [22:44]
Alanized
Give them to me.
- [22:45]
Miranda Ray
Now you're like, I'd be like can I get a second plate? She's like miranda, let your food digest before you get a second plate. Because I just, I literally just would eat like rice and brienzook all the time. Like I just loved her rice and beans.
- [22:58]
Alanized
Pablando de la relacion con duama. I want to talk a little bit more about the relationship with your parents. Growing up, you were meant mentioning a little bit that you know you were very tied to your mom. But you know, overall when you think about your childhood, do you think you were more of like a daddy's girl or a Mommy's girl.
- [23:14]
Miranda Ray
I think I was a mommy's girl. Not anything towards my dad. He dropped me off today. Love you, Poppy. But I was always a mommy's girl. I don't know. I just had this, like, really tight bond with her. Like, ever since I was literally, like. Like, I popped out. Like, I was like, give me my mom. Like, I don't know, like, and I don't know why. Like, she. You know, it's just like, you know.
- [23:40]
Alanized
Yeah, I think it's like a mom. Mom and daughter type of thing. Do you feel like growing up, you were able to, like, express yourself and be who you really wanted to be around your parents?
- [23:48]
Miranda Ray
I was definitely very open with my parents. I don't think I've ever been secretive or, like, closed off, like, anything. Like, if I was feeling any sort of. Of way, like, I literally was, like, obsessed with my parents when I was little. Like, to the point where it was, like, I would get emotional, like, in elementary school, like, if they would come to visit, like, you know, if there was, like, a parent event, and then they would have to leave in the middle of the day. Like, it was so hard for me to watch them leave because I just, like, I loved them so much, and I wanted to be around them all the time. I remember, like. Like, for lunch, my mom. There's, like, you know, the little, like, Rice Krispies there. I don't know if they still do this now, but they would leave the top open for, like, the parents to write a little note. And my mom would, like, write, like, I love you or something like that. And I would literally, like, take it out during lunch, and I would start crying because it's like, oh, my God, my mom likes me. This is her handwriting. And I would, like, rip it to, like, take this stuff out. And then, like, I would keep all of the rappers that she wrote on because I just was like, oh, my God. Like, my mom touched this.
- [24:57]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [24:58]
Miranda Ray
Like, I'm, like, her fan.
- [25:01]
Alanized
I love that, though. That's cute. I feel like, you know, that really does show how much you loved and appreciate your parents. Not just now, but then, you know. I want to talk a little bit about your relationship with your brother. You only have one brother.
- [25:13]
Miranda Ray
Yeah.
- [25:14]
Alanized
Okay, so you. You're the oldest. What was that like growing up? Did you ever feel like you had more responsibilities growing up because you were, like, the older sibling?
- [25:22]
Miranda Ray
Not really. Like, responsibility wise. I. I felt like I kind of, like, almost had like, a. Like, you know when you see a puppy and you're like, Like I want like when he was born, like I'm like I want to like squeeze you and like throw you against the wall kind of thing. I think that's how I was with my brother. I was always like really rough with him.
- [25:42]
Alanized
Were you jealous?
- [25:44]
Miranda Ray
No, I wasn't jealous. I was just rough with him. Like I was like, like I don't know, like I remember like there was a time cuz he was also like a daredevil. My driveway would, was like steep and he would go on a bike and like ride down, crash into the mailbox and then go up again. Like he, he was just like a really like reckless, totally reckless. There was like a time where we were on the playground and like I pushed him down the slide, he got a black eye and I was like, you're like yay. I'm like, yes, yes, Brenda, go like do it again.
- [26:14]
Alanized
Like I would just watch your other eye.
- [26:16]
Miranda Ray
I think I would like almost like kind of to be like the instigator for it too.
- [26:22]
Alanized
What's the difference in age?
- [26:23]
Miranda Ray
I'm five years older.
- [26:24]
Alanized
Okay, so yeah, you're a little bit more, you know, older. Did you ever feel like you had to like almost take on like a parent role with him when your parents were gone?
- [26:31]
Miranda Ray
I don't really think so. He's. I feel like he's kind of. He's dependent. Yeah, well, I don't know about that. But like kind of independent where he's like, if I say something he's not going to listen to me anyways. You know, kind of like that. Like he's like, like, girl, I know you're not you. Yeah, he's like, you're my sister.
- [26:46]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [26:47]
Miranda Ray
Like it's not like oh, the older sister. It's more like girl, bye. Like kind of like that. I think like we've had our moments where like we weren't as close or something like that. Because I think we both have been through stuff in certain times where, you know. But I think now we're getting closer. Especially since I've moved out because I don't live live with my family anymore. I live alone now. And I feel like ever since I've moved out, our relationship has gotten better. Better. Yeah.
- [27:16]
Alanized
I want to know how Miranda was in school. What was that like? Were you the shy girl? Were you popular?
- [27:24]
Miranda Ray
I was, I was very shy. I feel like it's like I have like certain memories of like elementary school, I was very shy. Middle school, I was kind of breaking out of my shell because I was like, I Got into. I was dipping into, like, musical theater, and I was, like, convinced I was gonna be the next Rachel Berry. And I wanted to, like, be her because I love the show Glee. I started watching Glee, and I was like, okay, well, I need to be this girl, but she's not shy at all, so I need to do something about this. So I tried to, like, break out of my shell and, you know, have my little Rachel Berry moment. I wasn't, like, kind of like a bitch like her, but I was just more of like, like, so I'm gonna.
- [28:05]
Alanized
Be on Broadway, like, where's the main role so I can play it?
- [28:09]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like, I'm gonna try out for the play, and I'm gonna sing Don't Stop Believing because I love Glee. And when I didn't get the role, I started crying.
- [28:19]
Alanized
Did you ever get a role, though, in high school or middle school when you auditioned?
- [28:23]
Miranda Ray
I only did one play in middle school because they, like. I don't know why. Eighth grade, they didn't have one. So in seventh grade, I did it, and I tried out. They were doing Aladdin, but they casted the. The main roles for the younger kids. For some reason, I'm like, why? Like, why would you do the younger kids? Like, yeah, so the younger kids were, like, sixth graders. And then I was, like, a seventh grader.
- [28:47]
Alanized
I was a tree.
- [28:48]
Miranda Ray
I think I was too tall or something also, because the guy who played Aladdin was, like, really short, but I.
- [28:54]
Alanized
Was like, like, get us a taller ladder.
- [28:56]
Miranda Ray
Then they were like, oh, we're holding tryouts for magic carpet. I was like, oh, I could do a cartwheel. I need a roll. Because I am not being in the ensemble. Like, you're crazy. Like, no.
- [29:05]
Alanized
So when I got doing. You were the carpet.
- [29:07]
Miranda Ray
I was the carpet.
- [29:08]
Alanized
I love that, though. I love that. Better than being the tree.
- [29:11]
Miranda Ray
I know.
- [29:11]
Alanized
At least the carpet has, like, a main row. I was also a musical theater kid growing up.
- [29:15]
Miranda Ray
Oh, really?
- [29:16]
Alanized
I never got, like, main roles. I'm not gonna lie. I. I don't.
- [29:20]
Miranda Ray
I never got main rules.
- [29:21]
Alanized
I mean, I had, like, a role. I was, like, a villain once. But this was, like, more in, like, elementary. It was like, those. That they would play out. But then in high school, I joined just for fun. I don't think I was ever like, oh, my God, I want to be in a play, or I want to be in theater. But it's always kind of called my attention. And I remember I joined theater class my freshman year, and I. I feel like, for me, you guys, whenever I've tried to act, I feel like I look cringy. Like, I feel like I don't know how to, like, get into the role. So I never was casted in high school, but I was the special effects makeup artist. Oh, I was. We had like a zombie play or something like that. I don't remember exactly what the play was. And at the time, I was already starting to do makeup. The teacher was like, oh, you know, there's no rules for you, but we do need a makeup artist. And I was like, I'll take it. Give me that. But it really did feel good too, because I was like, okay, I'm not on. I'm not in the actual play. But I know everyone here is like, that's my work. Because I had to do like all the zombies, like in a spam of like 30 minutes. I had to like, glam up everyone.
- [30:23]
Miranda Ray
That's crazy.
- [30:23]
Alanized
Like 20 minutes. What was it like? You know, obviously you didn't pursue a career in acting. Did you have a moment where you're like, you know what, maybe this is not what I'm meant to do. Was there a moment for you were like, you know what? Let's leave the Rachel Berry dream behind.
- [30:39]
Miranda Ray
I think it's kind of a sucky story because I feel like the reason why I didn't pursue it is because I started getting bullied. And then that, like, kind of tarnished my confidence. I feel like maybe if I didn't get bullied, I maybe would have liked, like, gone through with it. But when I did start it kind of, I was like, well, I guess I'm not doing that, cuz it just made me feel kind of like, okay, I'm not, I'm not. I guess, like, I don't know, like, this is maybe not my thing. I kind of lost motivation because it made me, like, super depressed and stuff.
- [31:14]
Alanized
Tell us a little bit more about that. You know, you bring up that you were bullied in high school. Was this high school or middle school?
- [31:20]
Miranda Ray
It was like end of eighth grade into middle school.
- [31:22]
Alanized
So you started getting bullying. Tell us a little bit about. More about that. You know, do you remember the first time you got bullied and how it made you feel? And also, what did they bully you about?
- [31:31]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, so it's kind of like. It's like looking back at it now, it's like, girl, like, this is so, like, petty. But I was 14 at the time. I had a crush on this guy. Like, we were talking, but then he liked this other girl, started Talking to this other girl, girl that she was in high school. So this girl was older than me and I was like, okay, that's cool. But I was like upset about it, but I was like, you know, whatever. But he would, I guess when him and the girl would get into fights, he would kind of circle back to me at times. She didn't like that. So that girl was your bully? Yeah, she was the bully. And, and I. The. The funny thing is we have not even seen each other in person. Like we didn't go to the same school. I think I only saw her in person once. This was all online and like psychological. Like it was like she, she just like she started off like trying to, you know, be friends with me. And I was, you know, all for like being friends. Like, I was like, okay, cool. Like, I don't know, like, you know, you're my friend. And then she would kind of introduce me into these like bad behaviors. Like she would. I, I didn't really know anything about like self harm or, or eating disorders at the time, but she kind of of sprinkled those ideas into, into my.
- [32:47]
Alanized
What would she tell you?
- [32:48]
Miranda Ray
She would just tell me like, oh, like I do this when I'm sad kind of thing. Or like I do this with my food kind of thing when I'm feeling sad. And I felt always like a competition with her because I was like, well, he left me for her, her, so I need to do what she's doing type of thing in a twisted way. Like I was like, okay, obviously I'm not enough. I'm like, talk. I'm a 14 year old little girl talking like I was gonna marry this guy. Like, girl, bye. But like at the time it felt so like my world is ending. Like, oh my God, the guy I really like like someone else. I need to like be like her. And she's kind of sprinkling like these things of like this is what I do. Even though I don't even think she would do that because she lied about so many things. Like she was like saying she had cancer and stuff. Like she was one of those crazy. I feel like everyone has that. That's like I have cancer. I'm like, what?
- [33:41]
Alanized
That didn't come to my birthday party because she was like my boyfriend friend's mom died. And then days later I see the boyfriend. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Like I'm so sorry that your mom died. He's like, what do you mean? My mom's at her house?
- [33:54]
Miranda Ray
What?
- [33:55]
Alanized
So there is people like that.
- [33:56]
Miranda Ray
No, that everyone has that girl in high school where she's like, I have cancer. Like, I have this. Like this. So they lie because they. I don't know.
- [34:03]
Alanized
I don't know why.
- [34:04]
Miranda Ray
Like, like literally psychopath. Like what?
- [34:07]
Alanized
Psychological.
- [34:08]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Or whatever you call it. She was one of those. When she was doing that, she would like, she didn't go to my school, but me and the guy went to the same school. So she would like, have like, her friends in my school spy on me all day. And if she found out that me and the guy had like crossed paths or something, she would hack like phone numbers and like, talk me or like hack his account and like, say mean things about me and like post things about me on Twitter and. And stuff like that. And I was like, girl. Like, I did not. I never had my first kiss yet. Like, I literally have not kissed anyone in my life. I was like a rule follower. Like, that's something about me is like when my parents told me I could not have, like, I was not allowed to date, I couldn't kiss a boy. I think that's why we didn't work out is because he was like. He was like, I'm gonna wait for you. And then I was like, well, I can't have a boyfriend until I'm 16. And he's like, okay.
- [35:03]
Alanized
He's like, I'm two years.
- [35:05]
Miranda Ray
And I'm like, like, okay. So he went to that girl or whatever. So I was like, what the are you so mad about? Like, I never even had my first kiss. I don't even think I've held hands with a guy. Like, I am not. Like, if we cross paths, it's like we see each other in the halls and we're like, hey, like, cuz look down. Yeah, me and the guy were friends. Like, I. Like, we actually were friends when we were little cuz our parents knew each other or something. So like we. It's not like we had a talking stage and we were getting to like. It's like I was.
- [35:34]
Alanized
It was like you guys were childhood friends and then it started becoming more.
- [35:38]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, that was. That was really how it. It. It just like I have like, I remember I had to end up going to the police because she just wouldn't stop. Like, it continued for years. I had to like, take screenshots of like so much proof. I still have it, like in my parents bedroom. Like the stack of paper of like the proof of her bullying me is like this thick. We went to the police and they were like, we'll call her and, like, if she doesn't stop them, we'll, like, open a case or whatever. And she ended up, like, toning it down and stopping, which I was like, thank God. Because, like, I'm like, I was tired. I'm like, I'm like, I'm literally younger than you. Like, I'm two years younger than you. And you're, like, doing this, like, girl.
- [36:18]
Alanized
Was there ever a moment where you're like, oh, my gosh, she's telling me she does this with her food. Let me try it. What was that moment moment for you?
- [36:25]
Miranda Ray
At first, it started where, you know, the bullying was affecting me so much. And she was kind of saying, like, teaching me about, like, self harm. Like, specifically, like, cutting and stuff like that. And so I was like, okay, maybe I should try it out because I'm, like, dealing with all this. I need a distraction from, like, my, you know, pain that's going on in my mind. So I ended up starting to, like, cut myself as, like, a young girl. I didn't really know much about it. I was also like, why am I doing this? But also, like, it was just, like, it became my coping mechanism for a while. And I remember the first time my mom found out I was doing a show at the time, like, I was, you know, because I was still in musical theater. It was, like, in. Right in the beginning, and it was summer, and I was. The area I was doing it was on my arms and stuff, which is like, why the fuck was I doing that in the summer? Like, girl brain. But I had to go to rehearsal, but I couldn't wear short sleeves because.
- [37:27]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [37:27]
Miranda Ray
So I wore a sweatshirt. And we had. We were. We were rehearsing in a different location that day, and the location that we were rehearsing in didn't have ac, so I had to do all my dances. And I was, like, super dehydrated. I was sweating. Like, I got really, really dizzy. And when she finally picked me up, I ended up passing out in the car because I was so hot. And she was like, take off your sweater. And I'm like, no. Like, no. And so she ended up taking me to the emergency room just to get, like, an iv. And at first they put the IV in my. On my hand, but it hurts so bad. And I was like. I was like, no, I need to keep this through because I know they're going to, like, want to do it over here. Want to do it, like, on here? And I was like, oh. Like, no. And I literally couldn't, like, I was like. And they're like, we can move it. I'm like, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And they're like, we're gonna move it. So they pulled. It pulled up my arm, and I was kind of like. I was keeping my arm like this. And they were like, girl, yeah, we need to put it in. And they saw. They flipped my arm around, and they were like, what's this? And I was like, oh, it's just dog scratches.
- [38:38]
Alanized
Like, did you have, like, a lot of them? Like, I don't.
- [38:41]
Miranda Ray
I honestly don't. I don't remember. It was in the beginning, so I don't think so. But it was like, it didn't look like a dog scratch, you know? And I was young, so it was kind of like, you automatically assume, because I feel like it's very common with, like, younger kids. She was like, okay. And she left the room. And I was like, I got clocked. And they went to my mom, and they're like, hey, so we think your daughter is, like, cutting herself. And she's like, what is that? Like, what?
- [39:08]
Alanized
Like, yeah, your mom. Clueless.
- [39:09]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. She's like, what is that? I don't know what that is. And they were like, oh, so she's, like, cutting herself. Like, they kind of explained it to her. And she's like, oh, no, Miranda doesn't do that. Like, what? Like, she's not depressed. Yeah. And they're like, no, we think she is. They brought in, like, a. A psychology. Yeah. Just to, like, talk to me and. And, you know, kind of come up with a game plan. And like, I. They, like, told me, like, okay, you need to start going to therapy and stuff like that. That. And my mom, I think for a while, she was like, oh, I just picked it up at school, and I'll grow out of it.
- [39:44]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [39:45]
Miranda Ray
Because then, you know, she made a pact with me. She's like, okay, you need to stop doing this. Like, you know. And I was like, okay, I promise I will. But I just started doing it in areas where it was invisible. Yeah. But then, you know, eventually she would find out because, like, I would have to wear a bathing suit. And then we would be at, like, the pool, and she would, you know, see, and she'd pull me aside and be like, what?
- [40:03]
Alanized
What is that?
- [40:04]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, like, what? I thought we agreed to stop this. And, you know, it was. It was. It was tough because, you know, as a parent and you see your kid going through this, it's like, I'm sure she's confused, and she's probably blaming herself, too. And it's like, no, like, I. Like, it's not that. It's. It's. It's just.
- [40:25]
Alanized
Do you feel like your parents, like any other, you know, parent was, were a little bit more traditional in the sense that, like, when you told them that you were depressed or what you were going through, they kind of almost didn't believe in depression?
- [40:36]
Miranda Ray
No, thank God. My parents were never like that. I think at first they were just kind of like, oh, maybe this is a phase. But then as they saw, like, it wasn't really. It wasn't a phase for me. They, you know, did their research and they really worked to try to, like, help me get better and stuff like that, which I'm very grateful for. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I would still be here. Like, my parents really help me out during that time. I was so mad at myself. I don't know why, because, like, I didn't do anything. I was the one that was, you know, getting, you know, talked all the time online. I couldn't. It's not like I going to school, like, help me escape from it. Like, it was just. It was always there. Like, I just had, like, these voices on my phone telling me, like, you're this.
- [41:28]
Alanized
What would your bully person tell you? Like, they would attack your appearances or what was it necessarily?
- [41:33]
Miranda Ray
Not even my appearance. Just kind of like, just call me type of thing. Yeah. Like, just call me name. Like, paint me out to be like a. And I'm like, I never kissed a guy before. I can't even. I've always struggled with seeing myself in that way. Like, a sure way. So it was more of like, I'm like, ew, like, no, I, I, that's not me. Like, you know, and then she would hack people's accounts and, like, tell me, like, oh, you're this, you're that. Like, yeah, you know, like, whatever. Like. Or she would be like, how could you do this to her? Name the girl, whatever. Like, you know, she's going through this. Like, she's literally, like, going through an eating disorder. And, like, she tried to kill herself like, 50 times. And I'm like, I didn't do anything. It's kind of making me feel bad for something I did.
- [42:19]
Alanized
It almost was throwing on her problems onto you.
- [42:22]
Miranda Ray
Yeah.
- [42:22]
Alanized
And it was making you.
- [42:23]
Miranda Ray
And it made me feel like a bad person. And I like, even, like, she would tell me, like, I cut myself today, and I'd be like, oh, like, well, make sure you like, take care of yourself. Like while she was actively bullying me, I would be like that, like trying to like help her out.
- [42:37]
Alanized
Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Alma believes that therapy is more impactful when you feel heard and understood. That's why they help people find a therapist who really gets them the right someone to talk to. Not just anyone. Alma can help you find a therapist who gets you. When you browse the directory, you can filter by what you want to focus on. For example, anxiety, relationship or big life transitions, as well as any preference around gender, sexuality, faith and more. Alma can help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. People who find in Network care through Alma save an average of 77% on the cost of therapy. It's easy to get started with Alma. Browse the directory without creating an account or sharing payment information information. You can book a free consultation call with any therapist you're interested in seeing. These 15 minute calls give you a chance to see if they're a good fit for you so you can find someone you really click with. Even though I'm currently not in therapy, I know the importance of having someone in my life who truly understands where I'm coming from. For those of you guys that follow me, Obia Mentos de Estabe. The past month and a half has been one of the hardest months of my life. And going through everything I've been through through this past month with my grandpa's passing, I wish I could have been in therapy prior and during the process to really help me kind of navigate these feelings of grief to join therapy. If you've been considering finding a licensed professional to help you work through your own life challenges, give Alma a try. Alma can help you find the right therapist for you. Not just anyone, anyone. Visit hello Alma.com Allen to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's hello a l m a.com Allen.
- [44:22]
Miranda Ray
That was the first time I went to the mental hospital. I went for like a week. It was hard because like I said, I have like that attachment with my mom. So like having her drop me off and like, so she wasn't even able.
- [44:35]
Alanized
To be there with you and stuff.
- [44:36]
Miranda Ray
So they would, they, you know, they were there to like do my intake and everything. But you know, when I was like, you know, I had to sleep, I had to stay there. It was so they couldn't stay. It was like a, like, it's like, I don't know, it's not like, yeah, it's not like a regular hospital yeah.
- [44:52]
Alanized
It'S like a mental institute.
- [44:54]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:54]
Alanized
To make sure that you're not going to harm yourself again. Make sure you're good to go home. Yes.
- [44:58]
Miranda Ray
So there was, like, other girls there that, you know, were going through something similar or whatever.
- [45:04]
Alanized
Was that scary at that moment? You know, obviously you were going through bullying. The next thing you know, you're locked up in a place that you're like, oh, my God, what have I been doing? Why am I here? What was that like, you know, staying there for a week.
- [45:16]
Miranda Ray
It was really scary at first because one. It was. It's. They're really dirty. I've been to a few, but they're. They're dirty. At least the ones I've been to. So I'm like, oh, this is fudgeing nasty. Like, I see, like, bugs on the floor. Like, oh, like, why am I staying in a fudgeing trash can? Like, by the girls that are there. Make it better. Like, you make friends and you feel so much better. And then it's like, by the time you leave, you're like, I don't want.
- [45:42]
Alanized
To leave my new home.
- [45:44]
Miranda Ray
Oh, my girls. After the first day, I feel like. Like, it was peaceful for me. Like, I. I didn't have my phone. You know, I was away of, like, from everything. You know, some of the girls there were kind of. Because, yeah, every. Everything. Everyone is there for different reasons. Like, I was there because I was, like, depressed or whatever. But there's some girls there that are. Are homicidal psychosis.
- [46:05]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [46:06]
Miranda Ray
I was more scared of the homicidal girls because I was like, oh, my God. Like, they want to hurt me. I remember when I was in the hospital, there was these two girls that struggle with homicidal thoughts, and they would, like, literally fangirl over the columbine shooters. Oh, my God.
- [46:27]
Alanized
And they're like, I want to be like them.
- [46:28]
Miranda Ray
They're like, oh, my God, he's so hot. Like, he's my idol. And, like, I'm in the corner, like, coloring, and I'm like, what?
- [46:36]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [46:37]
Miranda Ray
I'm like, what happened to, like, idolizing Ariana Grande?
- [46:42]
Alanized
Was that scary? You're like, oh, my God. I don't want to associate myself.
- [46:44]
Miranda Ray
I was just more of like, oh, my God. Like, are they gonna act on, like, you? Yeah, yeah, like, me or something like that? Like, I don't know. I understand. Everyone struggles with their own mental health stuff. Yeah, I was just. You know, it was my first time. I was 14. I was scared. I didn't have my mommy like, and I was like hearing girls saying like, they want to kill people and I'm like, I was just scared. But, you know, to each their own.
- [47:10]
Alanized
What was it like, you know, getting out of the mental hospital? What was it like adjusting back to, like your life did? Do you feel like it helped or do you feel like you still struggled afterwards?
- [47:19]
Miranda Ray
I think, I think it helped in the moment, but as soon as I, you know, got home, I was just sprung into the bullying situation again. I, you know, I just started calling myself again. Like, you know, it was, it was, it was just like a cycle. Like, you know, I would feel better for the week, you know, and then come out, everything would start again and then I would get, go back to the hospital.
- [47:42]
Alanized
Do you feel like the people around you, like your parents understood, you know, that you know, you were going through mental health problems? Because I feel like sometimes, you know, they see you going to these, you know, hospitals and they expect you to come out being fine and then you have another, you know, situation that puts you down again. Did your parents ever be like, like you were just in the hospital, like, why are you not getting better? Like, this can't be happening. Was that ever like a thing where your parents didn't really understand how mental health works?
- [48:13]
Miranda Ray
I don't think they really expected me to come out the hospital feeling better. It was more like those hospitals are. You usually stay for like a week and it's mainly to just keep you safe. Yeah, it's not really to like help you like in the long run. I think those are more like residential treatment centers that you go to. That's like, like for real recovery of like whatever you're going through. I think like mental hospitals are just super temporary and I think the, the like the system in them are kind of like broken at times. Like you can tell when the people are working there are just working there for money. And I think that's the situation in a lot of, at least the places I've been to and that my friends have been to. Like, it's, you know, they're just there.
- [48:59]
Alanized
To get their bag out. They don't really care for the well being.
- [49:02]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, they, you know, they treat you kind of, you know, obviously the doctors are nice, but it's like the, the people that are like handling the girls, you know, and everything. Like they are like, get in your room. Like blah, blah, like, oh, like, you know, they sometimes say like things that are like, oh, you're like, oh, don't say that. Yeah, yeah, you know, so, so it's just more of like, okay, we're keeping you here for a week until your suicidal thoughts go away, and then you can like go home and do whatever the you want.
- [49:32]
Alanized
So it's just kind of like a temporary cell. So to make sure that you were good, what was the recovery or not the recovery process, but what was the reaching out for help process? Did you go to therapy? If so, how is therapy as a child? You know, like, what was it like? You know, they lock you in a room with some, A stranger and they tell you. Tell me everything you're feeling. Did you ever feel like, oh, I don't want to say too much to this random person or what was that like?
- [49:57]
Miranda Ray
I started going to therapy after the, the emergency room debacle with my mom finding, you know, my cuts on my arm. And I, I always thought I, I liked it. Like, I was never like, oh, I don't know if I should say. Like, it's like once I start talking, I just. Yeah, I'm like, okay, I'm. I'm spilling anyways. Like, you know, might as well say everything. And it, I liked talking, I liked my therapist. So it was like, I like talking to her and telling her what was up. I think in certain situations of like certain things that I've struggled with, sometimes it's harder for me to be honest about certain things. But like in. At that time when I was just struggling with like, you know, the depression and anxiety and self harm, it was a little easier for me to be vocal. But I think it's when I started struggling with my eating disorder, it had to be a little more, More secretive.
- [50:46]
Alanized
Yeah. Just because it's like embarrassed for them to know or what. Why, why do you feel like you kept it a secret from your therapist?
- [50:52]
Miranda Ray
Just more of like, I can't be too honest because then they'll get really worried and then they'll start doing something about it. It more of like, okay, so we know she's, you know, trying to like, restrict foods, we're gonna force her to like eat this or something like that. So it was like, like when that started happening, I was more of like, okay, let me not be too honest. Because it's like, I think it started because when the, when the self harm stopped, my eating disorder started.
- [51:24]
Alanized
Tell us a little bit more about that because I feel like I love the fact that you're so open online about something that a lot of people will keep a secret forever. Tell us a little bit about when you first started seeing signs that you were facing an eating disorder.
- [51:40]
Miranda Ray
There was a period of time where, you know, I stopped self harming, but I think I used it as a way of, like, control. Like, I just had the, I've always had this thing with control where I, I needed to take control over something and I felt like I had no control over my life because, you know, I was being bullied in school and, you know, then it was affecting my grades and I was like. And I always, I always was such a smart girl. Growing up, I was in honor roll and everything, and it was affecting my grades and made me feel stupid. Like, I would 90s and above. I would. And then my grades started plummeting and I was like, what do, like, what am I? Like, I don't even sing anymore because the bullying made me quit theater. Like, I'm like, I have nothing. And then, you know, I was comparing myself to this girl that I felt like, oh, she's skinnier than me. I guess I have to do something about it. She's saying that this is what she does, so I have to do this. I think she made it seem like she struggled more with bulimia.
- [52:37]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [52:37]
Miranda Ray
But I, I just started restricting. I would take out like certain food groups and then eventually, you know, I saw the number dropping and so I would, I kind of got addicted to that. It was like almost like a way of me controlling something. Like, I, I just was, I was almost punishing myself because I felt like I deserved it. Like, I was like, I don't deserve to be able to nourish my body. Like, stuff like that. And I saw like a change fast and it kind of got like, addicting.
- [53:10]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [53:10]
Miranda Ray
And also I, I think, like, I remember surprisingly, like, I remember, I don't remember much during that time because I was so malnourished.
- [53:20]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [53:22]
Miranda Ray
And I, I think I, I, I kind of got addicted to it because I felt, I don't think I had enough energy to be depressed. I got to a point where my heart rate was not high enough and I couldn't take my, like, antidepressants anymore. Like, I had to get off of my meds because my heart was slowing down. I was, I, I was passing out when I was brushing my teeth because moving my arm was too much for me. For a. For months I was just sitting in bed playing games on my iPad. Like, that's all I did. The crazy thing is this happened all in the span of only seven months when I was at, this was, I was 15 and it was all in the span of seven months that this Happened. My eating disorder. Like, my main. Yeah, yeah, you know, whatever. And by a certain point, like, I went to get a checkup and they're like, you're dying. Like, your heart is stopping you. You're not gonna live much longer. Yeah, we need to do something about this. And they were like, you need to go to like, a residential treatment for like a few months. The closest one is in Philadelphia. And it was like a four hour drive.
- [54:34]
Alanized
Did you go?
- [54:35]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, I ended up. I ended up being forced to go. And the crazy thing is when I went in, I didn't think I had an eating disorder. And I was. I was so pissed to go because I was like, everyone there is going to be skinnier than me.
- [54:49]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [54:49]
Miranda Ray
Like, this is so embarrassing. Like, I'm gonna go in and I'm not even gonna look like I have an eating disorder because I don't. Like, I don't have an eating disorder. I'm just on a diet. Like, if I still have my D. And I'm literally like, I. I read it sometimes and I'm like, reading it. And I'm like, I don't know why I'm here. I'm literally just on a diet. Like, I don't have an eating disorder. I don't know why they think I have an eating disorder. When I finally got put in there, when they left, I called them and I was. And this is not me. Like, I don't. I. You know how I spoke about my parents? Like, I'm like, very. Like, you know, I love them so much and like, I'm like a cherish. Cherish them. I called them and I was cursing them out. Like, I was like, how the can you put me here? Like, I'm locked away. Like, you don't love me. Like, like, how could you do this to me? And they're like, we're doing this because we love you. Like, what do you mean? Like, blah, blah. And they're like, we're not taking you out. And I'm like, no, you. There's no way you love me. Like, you're locking me up in this jail. Like, I don't belong here. I don't have an eating disorder. I don't know why I am here. They. They just were like, no, you're staying. You're staying. You're sick. I refused to eat anything while I was there. And it got to my third day where I hadn't had anything. And they're like, if you don't eat anything today, you're gonna get tubed. I'M not. No, I'm not doing this because it was like, with an eating disorder, you have, like, fear foods and safe foods. And, you know, I. It's very limited of like, what you have. And when you're in the hospital, they want. You're there to get better, so you're. Your, your. Your body starts working again. So they're giving you foods that are going to nourish your body and everything. Yeah. And I was like, no. Like, no way. I'm scared. I. Like, this is scary for me. Like, I haven't, I haven't, you know, like, I haven't eaten like this in so long.
- [56:44]
Alanized
Like, what was it that they were giving you?
- [56:46]
Miranda Ray
Just like regular meals, like, you know, like, like the, like, you know, like burgers or like rice and beans, stuff like that. Like, you know, just regular stuff that, you know, everyone eats. But, you know, when you have a restrictive eating disorder, you're limited to, like, very usually, you know, low calorie, you know, stuff. It was hard for me because it's like you just get pushed into it. There's no, like, prepping. Yeah. It's like, there's this kind of just, you know, like, okay, you're here. Eat. And I'm like, what? And the, the way it works is, like, when you get there, there's like, levels and you work your way up. I think there's like up to level five, the way the, the place I went. So when you get there, there's like level zero, where it's like you're in a wheelchair because they don't want you walking around. And then there's level one, which, when you, whenever you get there, you're always on level one, no matter, you know, what state of recovery you're in, no matter what weight you are, whatever. And then in level one, you are limited. You, you can walk, you're not in a wheelchair, but you're not, like, you cannot be walking around. Like, you have to stay in, in this, like, day room and you can't attend any groups. And when you're on the tube, you're on level one. So I ended up getting tubes. So I was just getting tube fed. And I wasn't allowed to go to any group. So I wasn't learning anything. I was just sitting there, not being able to, like, walk around. All I did was draw all day. I would just draw. I would write in my diary. I would do art. And that was all I did for two months. I was there for two months.
- [58:31]
Alanized
And you didn't have, like, visitations during.
- [58:33]
Miranda Ray
Those two months I did, my parents came to visit me but since it was in a different current state, they could only come during the weekend. Which was really hard for me once a week because when I was in the mental hospital it was closer by. They would come every day.
- [58:44]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [58:45]
Miranda Ray
But then it was like only once a week. Like I can't, like I feel so lonely here and I couldn't go to group at all. Like I wasn't learning anything. And it was like the way you get off of the tube is you have to eat your meals.
- [59:02]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [59:02]
Miranda Ray
You have to prove that you will eat if we take the tube out. So my dietitian would like make deals with me like, oh, if you he half of your meal today will lower the tube feed. So she would kind of bargain with me and I'd be like, okay, fine. Like, because I really didn't want to be on the tube. The tube is literally like.
- [59:26]
Alanized
Yo, I.
- [59:28]
Miranda Ray
Can imagine not a fun time.
- [59:29]
Alanized
Were you able to taste the food through the tube?
- [59:31]
Miranda Ray
No, it goes straight into your stomach. Stomach.
- [59:34]
Alanized
Okay, okay.
- [59:35]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. But it was just like, it's just not like, it's not a nice.
- [59:41]
Alanized
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [59:42]
Miranda Ray
You know, I would like, you know, it's just like not fun. Yeah. I wanted to like go to group. Like I wanted to do art. Like I, I made, I had friends there which is like, that's like the main thing that like helped me push through was the girls. Like I said the first time, like the girls you meet there, that's like what helps you the best. And I wanted to like spend time with them, but I couldn't. Like, I can only see them like during dinner where I'm like, yeah. And then you know like during like group in that specific room, you know. So it was like, okay, I need to get off of this tube. And I would eat half of my meal. But then it's like it all depends on like your weigh ins too, you know. If I didn't like gain like a certain amount then she wouldn't be able to like follow through with what she said. And that would piss me off. Off. Because I'd be like, you lied. So you lied and you're lying. So I did that for nothing. I did, I ate that food for nothing. And like what the was that for? Like it would piss me off. And like I remember I was so bad. Like I was really bad. Like I, I was like a rebel. Oh my God, it was so bad. But like, so there was like people touring and I was having the shittiest day because I think something like that happened where my dietitian made me a promise and then she didn't go through with me. It and she actually like upped my two feet. And I was like, pissed. I was like, you're like, you're. This is so not it. And so the people were touring and I was like, this place is a jail. Like, I was like, yeah, I was.
- [61:10]
Alanized
Like trying to scare them all.
- [61:11]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, I was like, this place is jail. Like, like, I hate this place. Like, like, because I, I was just, I was so deep in it where like I didn't know that I, I should have been taking advantage of the opportunities I was getting. Because I look back at that now and I'm thankful I went. Even though, you know, I may have not gotten much out of it. I think if I didn't have the two feet and I was in a, like a state where I wanted to get better, I would have benefited from being there.
- [61:44]
Alanized
I think also, like, you mentioned, you know, at the beginning you were very in denial that you hadn't eaten. Eating disorder. And you were very much like, they're just gelling me up. Like, I don't want to be here. I don't need to be here. Even though you did, did you have a moment where you finally were like, you know what? Like, I do have an eating disorder. Like, this is more serious than they are thinking or that I'm thinking. And if so, what was that moment for you?
- [62:11]
Miranda Ray
I think, like, being there, like, I kind of realized like, you know, hearing the other girls stories and everything like that I was like, okay, I have a problem also, like the being the only one that was tubed. I was like, okay, so there's obviously an issue with me because like, no one else is tubed. Like, I was surprised that like other people were like, like doing good. Yeah. Like, I was surprised that other girls.
- [62:34]
Alanized
Were following through with the.
- [62:36]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, following through with like everything that they were being told. Like, I was like, huh? But I, the, the, the thing I didn't realize is like, like people are willingly going there to recover. Like you usually you go like, if you're not, you know, going for recovery, they, they just put you in like a hospital to feed you there. But like when you go to like residential, it's usually you, you want to get better. Yeah, you want to get better. But since I was a minor, cuz it was all ages. It was. I was the youngest girl actually. And there was like old ladies in there too. Like there was old. And that Made me so sad because I was, I was like, do I want to be an old lady? You know, like dealing with this? Like, I was like, so. And I was like, maybe it's because I was younger. I was just so like resistant. And I was like, yeah. So it was very new to me too. Like I hadn't even had it for a year. Like I. It was like kind of like it just started like a few months ago and I was already at this state. I ended up getting kicked out.
- [63:38]
Alanized
Why? You were that bad?
- [63:40]
Miranda Ray
I ripped my tube though.
- [63:43]
Alanized
Like. Ow. Did that hurt?
- [63:44]
Miranda Ray
No, it didn't.
- [63:45]
Alanized
Okay. You just kind of pulled it out.
- [63:46]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, I just pulled it out because a situation like that happened again. I think like some girls like they, they have like a bathroom watch where they have like the. People have to watch them use the bathroom. Usually it's like the girls that struggle with bulimia so they won't throw up. Yeah, okay.
- [64:01]
Alanized
Okay.
- [64:01]
Miranda Ray
Did you ever like do that? I. Before I did this, I. I tried that because that's what the girl introduced me to. It just wasn't.
- [64:12]
Alanized
It just wasn't your cup.
- [64:13]
Miranda Ray
It was. Yeah, it wasn't my thing. Or girls that over exercise, they would over exercise in like the bathroom or something like that and they thought that's what I was doing. They thought I was over exercising. So they put me on bathroom.
- [64:27]
Alanized
Yeah. Watch.
- [64:28]
Miranda Ray
Watch. And minute. I just got mad and you're like.
- [64:31]
Alanized
What do you mean? You're gonna watch me take a dookie?
- [64:34]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, I'm like, what do you. Not even that. I can't. Cuz I'm constipated. I haven't in like two months. Like I had literally didn't. In two months.
- [64:40]
Alanized
Was your first very tmi. Was that like hard? Because I'm asking. Because when I had surgery the first time I went to the restroom and I was only constipated for a week was so painful.
- [64:51]
Miranda Ray
I honestly don't remember. Cuz they did give me like laxatives. Not like natural, like natural like, you know, like they would make me drink.
- [64:59]
Alanized
Like stuff like that.
- [65:00]
Miranda Ray
Everything like that. But I remember when they put the tube in because they had to X ray my stomach to make sure the tube was in my. My stomach. They were like, you. Your whole stomach is filled with poop. Like you are filled. I'm like, they're like, when's the last time you used the bathroom? Like, I don't remember. That's what happens when you, you don't eat. Yeah, you. You get very cons You. You can't use the bathroom. So they were, like, giving me that. Like, they were giving me, like, milk of magnesia. I almost, like, literally vomited because it was. Tasted so bad.
- [65:36]
Alanized
But, like, so you get kicked out and what happens? Like, did your parents tell you anything? They were like, girl, the.
- [65:42]
Miranda Ray
So my mom was like, if you don't try in day treatment, which is basically like. Like, you know, you. You go during the day.
- [65:51]
Alanized
Okay, okay. Huh.
- [65:53]
Miranda Ray
That they were gonna put me in, like, a medical hospital, and they were gonna sedate me and to feed me. Yeah.
- [65:59]
Alanized
Was that scary for you?
- [66:00]
Miranda Ray
That scared the. Out of me because that's like, oh, I have, like, no control at all. I was like, oh, I will. I will try.
- [66:07]
Alanized
Do you feel like during that time, it started getting better? Like, did you ever have a moment where you're like, you know what? Like, I see the damage that this eating disorder is doing to me, to my family around me. Was there a moment where you're like, you know what? I want to take control, and I want to get better.
- [66:22]
Miranda Ray
I think at first it started of, like, out of fear. Like, I don't want to end up in the hospital, so I'm just going to, like, comply with the rules. So I, you know, I started eating my meals and everything, and then along came with that, my hunger cues came back, and I started wanting food because I think I was at a point where I was so, like, deprived that I wasn't even hungry. Like, I didn't even think about food. Like, I was just like, I can go without it. But, you know, when I started, you know, actual recovery, I started, you know, getting my hunger cues back, and I was like, oh, like, you know, I do need dinner. Like, I do need lunch. I do need breakfast. Like, whatever. And also seeing, you know, the other girls in there, you know, it's all very supportive. Like, you know, like, if you're having a hard time finishing your meal, they hold your hand, and then, like, you can do this. They hold your hand through, you know, the meals. It's very supportive. You meet so many people there with different stories, and it's, like, very inspiring.
- [67:23]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [67:23]
Miranda Ray
I think that's why I'm also open about my struggles now is because I remember when I was hearing other people's stories, it kind of made me feel like, oh, I'm not the only one that feels this way. Which is crazy, because I feel like having an eating disorder is, like, one of the loneliest things someone can go through, at least, like, from my experience of, like, all the things I've been through. Yeah, I feel like having an eating disorder is the loneliest that you could go through because it's like you have this voice in your head that's like making you isolate yourself from everyone to. So you can engage best in these disordered behaviors and everything. So that really helped me, you know, choose recovery back then was, you know, the support from the other people and then, you know, actually being able to go to group because, remember, in the residential, I wasn't able to. It was really hard though, because it was so. It was so stressful seeing my body change and getting my period back because I lost my period. And when I got it back, like, that was really hard for me because it was like, like it was like a. Yeah. Oh, like, am I. You know, this is really different.
- [68:35]
Alanized
When you started, like gaining weight.
- [68:37]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, I actually, I have like, like I'm a. Like this, this starts into like another thing that I went through. The stress from, like recovery started. I started having non epileptic seizures. So it was like my body would be under so much stress from like, you know, seeing my body change and looking in the mirror and. And you know, trying to cope with, you know, the difference in like my lifestyle change around food, that my body would get so overwhelmed and stressed that it would drop to the floor. And it looked like I was having a seizure. And when I. When I got my period for the first time again, I had one of my first seizures. And my mom was like, what the fuck? Like, you know, like, what is happening? And I ended up going, you know, going to the hospital. They were running tests on me, trying to see like, what was going on. And they were confused because it wasn't showing in my brain activity that I had a seizure. So everyone's like, what the is wrong with her? Like, what is going on? And I ended up going to a doctor and he ended up finding out that I have conversion disorder. Which is. It's basically what your body is like under an immense amount of stress. Like it does certain things. Like some people lose their eyesight, some people can't feel.
- [70:01]
Alanized
It's like your body kind of shuts down.
- [70:02]
Miranda Ray
It shuts down. Yeah, the stress. So mine was. It. My body would just collapse. Yeah, collapse. And I would go unconscious and start shaking. And when I started recovering, it's like when one thing ended, another thing started. When I started recovering from my eating disorder when I was younger, then the seizures started when I went to residential. That was in the summer into my sophomore year of high school. So I never went back to high school because I was dealing with these seizures. I ended up going back to school, like, late in the year. So the whole beginning of sophomore year, I. I did not go to school because I was struggling with these seizures. My mom had to take off of work, like, for months. Yeah. I could not be on. I could. I couldn't be alone. They had to shower me at times, like, because I would have them, like, three times a day, and they would last from either 20 minutes to three hours. Like, I would be on the floor for three hours shaking.
- [70:59]
Alanized
And they couldn't pick you up, right?
- [71:00]
Miranda Ray
They couldn't. Yeah. Like, there's no waking me up. Like, I'm just out of it. And it happened at, like, the worst moments. Like, there was a time where I was crossing the street and it happened. I started seizing in the middle of the street. There is a time where I was taking a shower. I dropped in the shower. I'm seizing in the shower. My head. Head plugged the drain, and the water was rising. Thank God my mom caught me. There was a time where we went to church. I started having a seizure in church. My whole life went on pause.
- [71:30]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [71:31]
Miranda Ray
Because I. My body just, like, was giving out on me. Like, it just. I couldn't do anything. Like, I couldn't go out with friends. I slept with my parents for months, like, in between them, because I would just have seizures randomly. So. So it. Like, I was like, what? Like, I am not living any teenage. You know, my normal life. Yeah. Like, my whole life is just consumed with all this mental health stuff. Like, what the. Like, all because of this. That bullied me because her man was, like, flirting with me. Like, what. Like, how did all of this get caused by that? Like, it was. It was. Was. It was insane. Like, and that. That weighed on me so much, where I was, like. Like, I. Look, I wanted to go to high school so bad because, like I said, like, I was obsessed with glee. I thought I was gonna be breaking out into song when I was on my way to class. Like, I literally thought. I. Like, I literally. I was delusional. I thought that's what high school was gonna be like. So when I was, like, finally going to high school, like, I was so excited. And then it was so such a letdown for, like. Like that to be my experience.
- [72:38]
Alanized
Did people, you know, you. You tell us a little bit that you missed out a lot of school because you were going through all of this? Did people at school, when you went back, did they talk about what was going On. Did they know? Did they notice? If so, what was that like, you know, going back to school and dealing with everything that you were dealing that people didn't know about.
- [72:57]
Miranda Ray
I actually, after the first time I went to the mental hospital in ninth and freshman year, I kind of never went back to that high school. I started getting homeschooled because I was in and out.
- [73:10]
Alanized
Okay.
- [73:11]
Miranda Ray
I was in and out. So I would go back for, like, a week and then leave again. I think I only had, like, maybe three months in my public school that I went to, but then after that, I was just being homeschooled, and then, you know, I was in the eating disorder treatment center, and then the seizure started, and I was. Wasn't in school at all. Not even homeschool schooling. Like, I literally don't know how I graduated.
- [73:34]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [73:34]
Miranda Ray
My sophomore year, because I ended up go graduating with my class, whatever. But I. I never went back to public school. I ended up going into a special school for kids with mental health issues. I think around in sophomore year in, like, April.
- [73:53]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [73:54]
Miranda Ray
Which is, like, I missed all of that, and I still graduated. Yeah. Like, how that. I don't know how that happened.
- [73:59]
Alanized
Let's run that test.
- [74:01]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Like, I don't know know how that's possible, but thank you. I finally got into this school. We were trying for months to get me in, but they kept, like, denying me. And they finally approved you. Approved me. And it was like a big moment. Like, we were all very excited. And I had my first day, and I didn't even make it to my first class. I had a seizure for three hours. Yeah. You got to school In. In school. I. I didn't even get to go to my classroom I was in because. Because the thing at that school was, like, they prioritize therapy over work, school work. So, like, instead of homework, we have therapy instead of, like, not recess, because you don't have recess and, like, lunch. Free time, free time, free period. You. You go to therapy.
- [74:46]
Alanized
Oh, okay.
- [74:47]
Miranda Ray
Or you have, like, your. Your homeroom.
- [74:49]
Alanized
You have a group, and it's like, all.
- [74:52]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. And it's with. It's with a therapist and whatever. So I didn't even make it till I was in my. My designated, like, you know, counselor's office.
- [75:02]
Alanized
All the time almost.
- [75:04]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. And I just. She's like, all right, time to go to your first class. I dropped to the floor, and she had to call my mom. They, like, carried me into, like, the car, and I had a seizure for three hours.
- [75:14]
Alanized
That's so scary.
- [75:15]
Miranda Ray
And it kept happening. So they were like, we can't take her.
- [75:19]
Alanized
Like, liability. The school, maybe.
- [75:20]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. They're like, she's not. She hasn't even been to her first class yet, and it's been the first week. She keeps having seizures. Like, we can't keep her here. Like, this is not.
- [75:28]
Alanized
Yeah. And I'm like, it's not safe for her.
- [75:30]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like, I'm never gonna get my high school.
- [75:33]
Alanized
You're like, I need an education. Literally. That's crazy. You know, we talked about all of this, and like I mentioned earlier, it's really inspiring to see how open you are about your eating disorder online. Because like I said, it's something that a lot of people, especially with the amount of people that follow you, it would be something very scary to open up about. Because once you open up about something, you know, this delicate, there's a lot of people with opinions. What was it like when you finally opened up about your eating disorder online? Were you scared, Prior, because you didn't know people were going to judge or you were going to receive criticism? What was that like when you finally decided to open up?
- [76:10]
Miranda Ray
So the reason I ended up opening up is because I. I am currently going through a pretty bad, like, relapse. And when it first started, I guess my. My appearance changed pretty drastically in a short amount of time. And so I've. I've been open about, you know, recovery when I was recovered.
- [76:34]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [76:35]
Miranda Ray
And so everyone was like, kind of put the two pieces together, and they're like, oh, she's not doing good. She's not doing good. And all my comments are like, like, flooded with that. Or like, what's your workout routine? Like, stuff like that. What's your workout routine? Or like, oh, you're, you know, Miranda, like, what are you doing? Like, you're looking good. Like, whatever. And I was like, oh, I can't have this. Because one, it's like, I don't want my comments to kind of be gassing me up because it's going to feed the wrong voices. And then two, you know, there are people, you know, worried and then spreading, you know, rumors. And if I don't address it, then it's like, yeah, you know, these are just still gonna. Yeah, it's just gonna continue, and then everyone's gonna be making videos about it, and then it's gonna be an issue. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna have to, you know, come out and say, yes, this is happening. But also, I was. I was more scared, not because of like, people that were gonna hate on me, but I didn't want to trigger anyone on. Because something about eating disorders is. There's so competitive and you have to be so careful what you're saying. Like, I'm even nervous now, you know, Like, I've. I've never, you know, spoken about, like, super specific situations with my eating disorder. So I'm, you know, even cautious of, like, what I'm saying. Like, I'm. I'm like, nervous. Like, it was that. Yeah. You know, was this too much? Is someone gonna, you know, take this and is it going to trigger someone? Because that's the opposite of what I want to do. Because I know know, like, dealing with this disease, it's. It's the worst ever. My goal is to steer people away from that. Steer people away from the life that I am living right now. So I knew when I did make my video confirming everything, I kind of wanted to de. Romanticize.
- [78:26]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [78:26]
Miranda Ray
Eating disorders because I think it's. It's almost like trending right now, which is fun. Blocked.
- [78:31]
Alanized
Like, sad. Yeah.
- [78:32]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Because it's like I. I don't, like, I don't even know why. I don't know.
- [78:38]
Alanized
Like, I open up to, like, raise awareness too.
- [78:41]
Miranda Ray
Yes. Yes. And I also think, like, I want it to be there for the. For the people that are struggling, that aren't in this. The. The mind state of, like, I want to get better because I think there are recovery influencers for that. And I think we see, you know, know, people like recovery influencers. And yes, they're so helpful. But I think at times when you're in a state where you're like, I don't. I'm scared of recovery. I don't see myself getting better. It's good to hear someone that is also in that state kind of talk about, I'm going through this currently. Yes, I'm going through this too. And it's okay. And relapse is totally okay and normal because I get hard. I. I'm hard on myself for, you know, how did I let myself get to this point? Like, I'm so disappointed in myself. Like, I'm 22 now, and I've been struggling with this since I was 14. Like, why now? Like, this is so weird right now.
- [79:43]
Alanized
Social media impacted or kind of triggered your idiot disorder again. Like, see comments or anything?
- [79:49]
Miranda Ray
I don't think so. I think it's. I think social media has made it a little hard to, like, choose to get better. I don't think it caused my relapse But I think it. It is. It's. It's not that anything has happened, but it's more of, like, it's scary to, like, you know, go into recovery and then come back and, you know, you have to be on camera and, you know, people are gonna say something because, like, you know, you go to recovery, you come out, you know, looking different. People are gonna, you know, know, say something. And I know my head, it's like, if someone comments on my appearance, like, it's just gonna trigger me, and then I'm scared, like, I would relapse again. And, and all of my hard work is, you know, down the drain. Like, everything I work for to get better, you know, to see one comment of me, like, someone saying, oh, you. And whatever, something negative, I'm, you know, that's gonna harm me. Like, recently, I, I, I. There was, like, a Twitter thread about someone posted pictures of me, and they were like, no one. Why is no one talking about, like, two. Two, like, older pictures of me and then two current pictures of me, and they're like, how is no one talking about, like, how different she looks? Like, commenting on, like, my weight and.
- [81:13]
Alanized
Everything, calling it out.
- [81:14]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, yeah. And all the comments were saying that I, you know, look so much better now, and, like, that I'm proof that if you lose weight, you become pretty. And that. That. That hurt me because imagine seeing that when, you know, you're in recovery. Like, that could really. With someone, like, for sure. I think people that post those things don't understand that, like, recovery is so hard. Hard, so hard. I mean, it caused me to fucking start having random ass seizures. Like, it's. It's so hard. It's so rewarding, and it's so beautiful, but it also is so difficult, and you can. You're in such a, like, a delicate state, and something like that could. Could really, like, mess someone's hard work up. And thank God I wasn't in, like, a place where, you know, like, a.
- [82:11]
Alanized
Bad state of mind.
- [82:12]
Miranda Ray
I was not. Not a bad state because I, I was in a bad state of mind. But thank God I wasn't in, like, a, you know, in a. In a stage where I was beginning to work on myself and kind of grab. And then, you know, that knocked me down. Like, I was already just. I was already down, so, you know, like, slipping up in, like, recovery. But, yeah, I think that social media just makes it a little hard to, like.
- [82:39]
Alanized
Because people sometimes say shit out of their ass without knowing how it's gonna affect someone. You know, I saw A TikTok of you where you were getting ready to go to a premiere, right? And you talked about how, you know you were getting ready but you didn't know if you, you were going to end up going to the premiere because you know, at the time that video was filmed, you know, your mind was telling you and playing tricks with you. How do you feel like your eating disorder has affected your day to day life, career or relationships?
- [83:08]
Miranda Ray
I think that it's affected everything in my life. It makes me sad because it's like I have some, I've, I've, I've, I have such, this amazing, these amazing opportunities and these amazing, you know, this amazing career that I built for myself and I can't enjoy it because I'm just so caught up in food and the way I look and my, my whole like it, it doesn't just affect me, which sucks. It's, it affects, you know, relationships and friendships and family. Like it's so lonely and, and, and it's just it and hard. Like I, I, I can't even like, like for example, like I, I'm here with my dad and my brother and we can't even go out to eat because that's scary for me. You know, Like I, I can't even go out to, with like to eat with my friends because like that's just so scary. It's hard for me. Like if I don't make my own meals then it's like it's, it's, it's, it's so difficult. Like you know, if, if I was forced to go to a restaurant, I would probably start crying. Like, and it's like I'm 22 years old. Like, you know, I don't have to be, you know, I should be going out to restaurants and going with friends and you know, drinking, you know, doing this, doing that. But like I can't because my brain tells me that it's like, you know, certain things around that are just not good or like, you know, that, you know, it convinces me that oh, if I do this, then this is gonna happen, you know, so it really, it sucks. And that's why I like to be somewhat open about it because I feel like we really need to like break the stigma of like romanticizing. Like oh, it's just denying a cupcake. No, it's really not. It's, I feel like, feel like I haven't been like this depressed even when I was 14 and talking about that story. I think I'm more depressed now than when I was back then.
- [85:17]
Alanized
Just because your life is so different, maybe. Do you feel like, you know, you have so many things going on for yourself and you're like, I can't even enjoy them?
- [85:24]
Miranda Ray
Yeah, it's like more, it's like I get FOMO with my own life because it's like, like, like my, like my friends now, like, they're like, like they make plans knowing that I'm gonna cancel kind of thing. Like, it's like, like I, I, I hung out with like my, one of my two, my two of my close childhood friends recently, and I actually, like, ended up going, which was rare. You know, I feel like online, like I'm, I have to be so not have to be. But I am so bubbly and energetic and like, hi, this is Miranda. Like, oh, I'm filming a TikTok blah. But when your whole life is just cons, like when your whole mind is just consumed with like, I don't like the way I look and I'm so ugly and oh, food this, oh, food that. Like, it's so hard to like, put up a front. Like, you know, put up, you know, put a smile on for the camera and, you know, film a video. It makes it hard because it's like when you're, when you're struggling with like, body image, like, you don't want to be seen. Yeah, like, that's my thing. Like, I, I, I, I don't leave the house because I'm embarrassed of the way I look kind of thing. Like my, like what I see in the mirror is not like, what you would see me as. Like, I don't see what anyone else sees. So it's like I look in the mirror and I'm like, holy. Like, I, like, I can't even go, you know, I, I can't go to my parents house because, like, I, I can't have them see me. Like, I, yeah, I'm like, this is so, like, I can't, can't, you know, or like. And then I'm like, oh, my God, I'm literally an influencer. Like, I need to, My whole thing is like, me, me.
- [86:58]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [86:58]
Miranda Ray
Like, how am I going to, you know, like, hi. Videos? Yes. Like, how. Like, I can't hide. Like, this is my, this is my work. This is. And it's also like, this is what I love. This is the only thing that makes me happy now. Like, this is all I have left. Like, the only two things that are on my mind is my eating disorder. And, and making videos. Because making videos is the only thing that makes Me happy. But it's also hard when it's like.
- [87:24]
Alanized
You'Re dealing with that.
- [87:25]
Miranda Ray
You're dealing with that and, you know, you want to hide yourself away from everyone. Like, girl, no, you got 8.4 million people to show yourself to. Like, you can't hide yourself away. I try to tell myself this when I look in the mirror is like, what you see is, is not what everyone else sees. And like, like, like I, I try to look at myself through someone that loves me's eyes. You know, like, I try to see myself from my mother's eyes because, you know, my mother loves me. I try to see myself from my father's eyes, try to see myself from my friend's eyes. Like, you know, they see me as this beautiful person and like, I need to try to see myself as that. Like, you know, you are probably down on yourself, but I see, you know, such a beautiful person that, you know, is just going through a tough time time. And I think that also struggling is, is normal, especially in an eating disorder. Relapse is normal. Recovery isn't linear. And I think we have to remember that because I know, as I said, like, I get very down on myself for still struggling with this. And you know, it's been, I think I've been in this relapse for over a year, which is even longer than my initial eating disorder story when I was 14, because that only was like a seven month thing. And it's like, even when I relapsed this recent time, I was like, oh, this is not gonna last because I've relapsed before. Yeah, but it only lasts for like a month. Yeah, yeah. Or. And then I get my back together. I'm like, all right, I'm fine. So I thought that's, that was gonna be the case, but when it didn't happen, I'm. And I'm still stuck here. I'm like, what's going on? Like, this is so unnormal for me and I feel so horrible that like, like, you know, this is. Sometimes affects my work because I put this pressure on myself. Like, I'm so, I'm. I love, I love, love, love making videos. I love, you know, being an outlet for people. I love making people feel better. I love when people tell me like, that my videos make them laugh when they're having a bad day. And the fact that like, I feel like I'm like, this is. Sometimes affects my, you know, my, my passion. It, it, it sucks. And I feel so, so down on myself and I'm like, how could I let myself get to this point? But we have to realize that that's just how life is and that's how recovery with any disorder work. They. They tell you it's like it will always be with you. You just learn how to cope or cope or ignore the voices. So, you know, sometimes, like, you can't ignore the voices and that's okay. And you just have to know that there are other people around you struggling with that. Some people you look up to that struggle with that. I know, like, I have, like, people that I look up to and I find out they have an eating disorder too. And I'm like, wow, that's crazy because I see them as such a beautiful person person. And you know, the person who's watching this that is struggling with that. There are other people that see you like that. They're like, wow, I can't believe she's struggling because she's so, so happy. So. So, like, so, you know, and like, you know, whatever. So it's, you know, we just have to remember that it's okay too and.
- [90:46]
Alanized
Be kind to yourself, you know, I really do wish that you are able to get out of this relapse and, you know, really see yourself for who you are. Because just sitting this our first time meeting you guys, but just sitting down with her and, you know, talking about your life and everything you've gone through, you know, not only are you beautiful on the outside, you're so beautiful on the inside as well. So I really hope that, you know, you're able to get out of, you know, what you're going through currently and you're able to, like, feel more, you know, yourself and really live the beautiful life that you have. You know, we're almost ending the episode, you guys, but obviously I want to talk about your life on social media. You have 8.4 million followers. That's a lot of people. It wasn't always like this. How did it start? What made you be like, you know what, I'm going to pick up the camera or my phone, whatever it is, and I'm going to make TikTok YouTube video and all of the above.
- [91:37]
Miranda Ray
I actually started in high school my junior year. I was, I think I was actually going through like many really lips or like, I think, oh, my first. No, it was my first. I had my first boyfriend and he broke up with me and I was really upset and I was like having a rough summer, so I was like, I need to like, start. I don't know. Yeah, no, no, more like I'm like, I'm gonna, like, find comfort YouTubers or whatever. And it was the era of the sister squad.
- [92:06]
Alanized
Oh, yes.
- [92:08]
Miranda Ray
And I was like, emma Chamberlain. The dome. Nolan Grayson.
- [92:12]
Alanized
Yes.
- [92:13]
Miranda Ray
That's my man. No, I'm joking. And, you know, James Charles, whatever. And they were like, I was obsessed with them, especially specifically Emma Chamberlain, because she was so open.
- [92:26]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [92:27]
Miranda Ray
About her struggles. I was like, wow. There's this girl that I look up to, and she's so open. She's. She reminds me of myself. That's crazy. And then I. I see the life she's living, and I'm. I'm like, maybe I want to do this. Like, maybe I would be good at this. And I was like, fuck being a Broadway star, bitch. I'm gonna be a YouTuber. Like, don't play. I'm like, I'm gonna be a YouTuber. I was like, bye. Singing, like, I don't care. And I was like, I'm gonna start making YouTube videos. And I got. I was filming on my little iPhone, like, whatever. I was editing. I taught myself how to edit. I was using imovie. And I was. I was so bad at first because I didn't know how to add sound effects.
- [93:06]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [93:06]
Miranda Ray
So I would, like. I would search up a sound effect on YouTube, and then I would press the voiceover thing, and I would.
- [93:13]
Alanized
Me. Instead of downloading it.
- [93:15]
Miranda Ray
Yes.
- [93:15]
Alanized
I didn't know how to do it. You're like, okay, I'm gonna get this exact sound.
- [93:18]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Oh, my God. It sounded like shit ass. Like, so bad. But I was like, I'm gonna be a youtuber. I. I started making these videos, and I was having so much fun with it. It brought me out of my funk. It made me. Made me so happy. Like, I was like. I was on a high. Like, I was like, damn. Like, I would literally, like, bring my. I saved up for a MacBook so I can edit. And then I was bringing my laptop to school. I was editing in the bus on the way to school. I was editing during lunch, and I was editing during, like, my free period or, like, if I finished all my schoolwork, like, I would. I would edit my videos. And I felt so cool, too, because I'm like. Like, yeah, I'm a YouTuber.
- [94:00]
Sponsor Announcer
Like.
- [94:00]
Alanized
Like, they don't understand.
- [94:01]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like, y'all don't get it. I'm like, on my. On my MacBook. I'm like, hey, guys. Like, I'm editing a video coming out tomorrow.
- [94:07]
Alanized
Yeah, go watch it.
- [94:09]
Miranda Ray
Watch, please. Mind you, I had 50 subscribers at, like, literally at most, like, maybe getting 100 views on each video. And it was like, probably my mother and like, some kids re watching your video. Yeah, me re watching my videos. I'm like, oh, it was so funny. Like, I thought I was the funniest ever. Yeah, that's really how it surprised started, mainly because I was. And I remember when I. I was like, if I blow up, I'm gonna be just like Emma Chamberlain because I. And be open about, like, you know, everything, because she helped me. And so if there's a chance that I could do that for someone else, like, I'm gonna do it.
- [94:43]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [94:44]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm literally gonna do it. And I was like, like, you guys don't get it. I was delulu. Like, I literally thought. I was like. I believed, like, that I was gonna be fucking famous.
- [94:55]
Alanized
And you manifested it, though.
- [94:57]
Miranda Ray
That's what. No, I think that my parents straight up Miranda, be fucking for real. Like, they were like this. They would. They always tell me, that is a one. Emma Chamberlain is one in a million.
- [95:09]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [95:10]
Miranda Ray
You even my therapist. I'm like, girl, I'm moving to LA after high school. She's like, bitch, what? Like, she's like, go to college. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to college. But, like, watch me. I'm going to become a YouTuber and I'm going to move to LA. Like, you're crazy. Like, what are you even talking about? And I was like, watch me prove you guys all wrong.
- [95:31]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [95:31]
Miranda Ray
Hey, guys.
- [95:32]
Alanized
Did it.
- [95:32]
Miranda Ray
Hey, guys.
- [95:33]
Alanized
Manifested it. 8.4 million followers. What was your first aha moment where you're like, you know what? Like, I think I can actually do this. I'm pulling in the views, and I can make this an actual job. What was that moment for you?
- [95:45]
Miranda Ray
Well, I started off on YouTube, and then Tik Tok started becoming popular. It was like, when it was, like, cringy to have it.
- [95:50]
Alanized
Yes.
- [95:50]
Miranda Ray
But I was like. It was like summer of 2000 from musically into TikTok. Yes. I was like, oh. Like, maybe I should try this, because this is a little. This is a little easier. And I started off doing, like, stupid comedy videos. Like, they weren't getting anywhere. I was like, y'all. Like, y'all don't think I'm funny. Like, y'all crazy. Like, what the fuck? I'm, like, the funniest bitch ever. Like, so I started posting, like, cringe, like, the. The. The. The comedy videos, and they weren't. They weren't blowing up for Me. And I was like, okay.
- [96:18]
Alanized
Like, they gotta find something else.
- [96:20]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like, okay, what's my next niche? Like, whatever. And at the time, I was like, you know, like, VSCO girl. Like, I was like a VSCO girl because, you know, I was in my Emma Chamberlain era. So I had, like, my big sweatshirt, the scrunchies, like, you know, everything like that. But then the. Yeah, exactly. Yep. I had vsco. I was, like, editing all my pictures. Like, oh, I'm so aesthetic. Like, girl, bye. That was when, like, E Girls were trending.
- [96:41]
Alanized
Okay.
- [96:41]
Miranda Ray
And they had, like, the two colorful strips. And I was like, I want to do that because, like, I look plain right now. Like, I look like. I look so basic. I need to dye my hair. So I dyed my hair. I had my friend come over and she helped me. I bleached, like, two strips of hair, like a teal bluish color. And I made a video, and it blew up. And I was like, you're like, I'm.
- [97:05]
Alanized
Going to LA right now.
- [97:06]
Miranda Ray
I'm like, I'm literally gonna buy all of you motherfuckers a Tesla. And I went to high school. I was like. I went to school the next day. I was like, I'm literally famous. Yeah. Like, I'm famous. Guys, like, don't play with me. And then I saw people were, like, obsessed with my hair. And I was like, okay, so, like, that's gonna be my main focus. Like, we're gonna focus on hair. And I remember the say so dance coming out, and I was like, oh, I need to do that. Like, that dance is so cute. But I can't dance. Like, I'm not a good dancer. Like, yes, I was a musical theater.
- [97:38]
Alanized
Girl, but, like, just the musical part.
- [97:40]
Miranda Ray
Yeah.
- [97:41]
Alanized
Not the dancing.
- [97:42]
Miranda Ray
I couldn't. I. I mean, I'm, like, a decent dancer, but, like, no. Like, it wasn't like, I could dance. Like, I could become, like, a dancer.
- [97:48]
Alanized
You were no Charlie D'Amelio.
- [97:50]
Miranda Ray
Yes.
- [97:50]
Alanized
Like, in other words, no.
- [97:52]
Miranda Ray
Maybe, like, dupe. Yes. Bootleg dupe, Charlie. So I was like, okay, I need to, like, do something incorporating hair and dance. So I remembered an episode from Glee called Hairography. And it's basically like, you know, distracting with your hair from your bad dance moves. I was like, okay. So Glee came in clutch for my TikTok career because I was like, okay, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm the tasty dance, but I'm going to, like, flip my hair and then put it in slow motion. Because I was like, I knew how to edit because YouTube, it's gonna serve. And I made the video and that led, like, totally changed your. And I did that consistently. Like, slow mo dance videos. I think people know me as, like, they don't know that Miranda Ray is the slow mo hair flip girl from 2020.
- [98:42]
Alanized
Okay.
- [98:42]
Miranda Ray
Okay. Like, when people find out, like, that's.
- [98:45]
Alanized
Me personally, like, what I used to watch her. Yeah.
- [98:48]
Miranda Ray
They're like, wait, what? Like what? That's crazy. Like, yes, that was me. Hi. I did that for years. Like maybe two years. Like, that was like my niche. And then after a while, like, I was just kind of like, let me just share my. I'm bored. Like, I want to like, become a personality. Like, I want to do what I started, which was like, making actual videos.
- [99:12]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [99:13]
Miranda Ray
But I was scared because, like, I was like, I don't know. Like, am I boring? Like, I don't know, am I funny? Like, I don't know if I'm entertaining. And also at the time, TikTok didn't have like that long form.
- [99:22]
Alanized
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- [99:23]
Miranda Ray
You didn't make talk.
- [99:24]
Alanized
Was only like 15 second, 30 second videos.
- [99:26]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Like, you used audios and stuff. But I was like, I want to make a career out of this. How am I going to be flipping my hair in my 40s, like making slow mos.
- [99:33]
Alanized
Like, that's with the amount of times you diet you. You're not going to have any more hair to flip.
- [99:38]
Miranda Ray
That was also the thing. I was like, I'm losing hair, like by the day. I can't do this forever. Yeah.
- [99:45]
Alanized
So got to figure it out.
- [99:46]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. I'm like, we need to. We need to like, have another route. So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna like, follow my passion and I'm gonna become. I'm gonna like make actual talking videos. And I ended up, I think, because I made like a stupid video of me saying, like, that people use me as hair inspo. And I kind of got hate on it because everyone was like, no, the K Pop idols did it first. And I was like, oh, I didn't know that. But okay. I thought the E Girls did it or something. Like, I don't know. I stitched the video and I made like a stupid apology. Apology, like a sarcastic apology. And everyone in the comments, like, I posted it went viral and everyone was like, wait, you're like, funny. Like, you have a.
- [100:27]
Alanized
Like you're not just face.
- [100:28]
Miranda Ray
Yeah. Like, you're not just hair. Like, what? And I was like, okay, I have confirmation. I'm Funny. Like, let's, let's. Let's continue this. And I started making.
- [100:38]
Alanized
I love.
- [100:38]
Miranda Ray
I did the transition of becoming a Miranda Ray instead of hair flip slow mo.
- [100:44]
Alanized
I love that because I feel like to have longevity in this space, I feel like you really do have to do something where you feel like people are gonna wanna come back because they know you as a person. And I feel like you're a great example of being an open book of really sharing your daily struggles where people can feel more connected than just like, oh, that's pretty hair.
- [101:03]
Miranda Ray
You know what I mean?
- [101:04]
Alanized
I feel like that makes a big difference when it comes to influencing. I've always said this. Like, it almost feels like you have to bring them into your life so they can feel like I'm living through you. We see a lot of things online. Rumors, misconceptions, assumptions. Was, like, a rumor, misconception or assumption that you've heard about yourself, that you're like, girl, that's nowhere near the truth.
- [101:25]
Miranda Ray
I feel like, thank God I'm not. I'm. I haven't gotten in, like, any drama where. Yeah, I'm like, thank goodness, because I probably would just, like, cry about it. I don't know. But I also just, like, don't. I don't. I don't. I don't talk to anyone to, like, get into drama or anything. I think the only, like, misconception is, like, I'm. I'm. I'm, like, balding. Like, people think I'm, like, gonna be balding. Okay. Trust. I do feed into it as, like, a joke. I'm like, I'm gonna be bald, but, like, my hair is fine. I have my hair girl. She. She serves and she takes care of me. Because some people are like, miranda needs to stop dyeing her hair because, like, she's literally gonna, like, be bald. Like, yeah, like. Like, this is, like, becoming, like, annoying. And I'm like, no, girl, trust. Like, I. I don't do my hair myself. If I did my hair myself myself, yes, I would be bald. But my hair girl, she has me. She. She takes care of me. Like, she will tell me what I can and what I cannot do. So the hair on my head is. Is. Is fine. Hey, guys, what color should I do now? I'm joking. Planning on keeping this for six months. For the past, like, year, I. I usually get a hair. A new hair color every month.
- [102:36]
Alanized
I love that, though. I love. You know what I love? I had a. I have a friend that she used to wear wigs all the Time. And I. She still does. I love that because it almost like you. It's kind of like, even as an audience, people. Hey, you want to know what? People come for me for my hair. I've had this same exact hairstyle, slick, comb over, since. I mean, this has been the only fucking hairstyle I've ever had, really, like, since, like, over 20 years maybe. And people are always telling me, like, alan, get rid of that hair. Change it up, Change it up. And I want to, but I wanted to dye. When I dyed it. Also, I had weight loss surgery. I lost a lot of hair because of, like, you know, you're not eating enough nutrients and stuff like that. So I'm still balding till this day. But, like, whenever I see people that change their colors up, it's almost very exciting to see. I'm like, what is she gonna do next? What color is she gonna come? Ah, it's all bald. Cap. Next.
- [103:27]
Miranda Ray
Oh, my guys. It's a wig.
- [103:30]
Alanized
No, but I love that. And to finish off today's episode, I want to finish off with the question I always finish with, where do you see yourself in the next five years? Whether that's professionally, personally, what are the goals you have for yourself in the next five years?
- [103:44]
Miranda Ray
You know, I really just love what I do now. And I really hope and pray that, like, I can just continue making videos for everyone. And, you know, because meeting, like, people on the street and them telling me, like, oh, your videos, like, you know, really help me, like, make my day, like, whatever. Like, that. That's the reason why I started, like, because, you know, I got inspired by Emma Chamberlain. I made that pact with myself that, like, if this works out, I'm going to. That. That's my.
- [104:10]
Alanized
Yeah.
- [104:11]
Miranda Ray
And so the fact that I am doing that, that's like, I'm like, oh, I did my dreams. I fulfilled, you know, like, you know, my wants and everything. So I just really hope I continue doing that in some sort of way. If that's, you know, mainly on YouTube, like, because I don't know about TikTok.
- [104:31]
Alanized
We don't know what's gonna happen.
- [104:32]
Miranda Ray
We don't know what's gonna happen. So I'm like, you know, being. I just want to, you know, make people happy.
- [104:38]
Alanized
And you're gonna continue doing that because your videos are super bubbly. Even when I first started diving into your content, I'm like, oh, my God, where has she been all my life? Like, I love it. Thank you so much. I really want to take this moment, you know, towards the end of the podcast podcast to really, you know, tell you thank you and tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you're sitting down with us today to talk about your life, your struggles and everything you've gone through. I know someone at home, you know, might be able to relate and might be also able to, you know, grab something from today's interview and you know, it can help them out. So I really want to say I appreciate you and I really am happy that we were able to make this happen.
- [105:17]
Miranda Ray
I'm so, so excited. Thank you for having me and thank you for being so welcoming. This is my first podcast. So, you know, I'm like, she did amazing you guys nervous, but you made me feel so welcome and so loved. So thank you so much for having me.
- [105:30]
Alanized
Thank you so much. I loved having her here, you guys. If you guys, not if you guys want to go ahead and follow her on all her social medias which I'll leave down below as well as on the screen to follow me on all of mine so you guys will miss miss any future episodes. And with that being said, thank you once again and thank you guys so much for watching and we'll see you guys in the next one. Bye guys.
- [105:58]
Sponsor Announcer
This podcast is brought to you by Aura, A complete Online Safety Toolkit this past summer, national public data reported a breach potentially affecting Every American. Over 2.9 billion records used for background checks were stolen. If safeguarding personal information wasn't a priority before this incident should serve as a critical wake up call, you're more vulnerable than ever in today's digital landscape. That's why we're thrilled to partner with aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users, phone numbers, emails and Social Security numbers, delivering real time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. Additionally, Aura provides up to 5 million in identity theft insurance, offering a robust safety net in the event of a worst case scenario. Aura is a complete online safety toolkit which includes a variety of other features to keep you safe online, including a VPN for secure browsing data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your personal information and a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords for a limited time. Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free. When you visit aura.comdefense that's aura.com defence to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a U R A dot com defense. Certain terms apply so be sure to check the site for details.