Rhea Wong (0:00)

Hey you, it's Ria Wong. If you're listening to Nonprofit Load On, I'm pretty sure that you'd love my weekly newsletter. Every Tuesday morning you get updates on the newest podcast episodes and then interspersed, we have fun special invitations for newsletter subscribers only and fundraising inspo because I know what it feels like to be in the trenches alone. On top of that, you get cute dog photos. Best of all, it is free. So what are you waiting for? Head over to riawong.com now to sign up. Foreign welcome to Nonprofit Lowdown. I'm your host, Rhea Wong. Hey hey Nonprofit Lowdown fans. It's Rhea Wong with you once again with Nonprofit Lowdown. Happy 2025. This is our first episode of 2025. I don't know when you're listening to this, but if you are listening to it when it drops, I hope you had a good holiday and that we are gearing up for another year. I think it's gonna be a good one. I don't want to jinx it and I know there's a lot happening in the world, but I do think there is some reason for optimism. I've been doing a lot more of these solo episodes and so if you like the solo episode, hit me up, drop me a line. Let me know if you like them. Let me know if there are any topics you want me to cover. Let me know if you hate them. I want to hear from you. I can be reached@helloeawong.com for our first episode of the year, I wanted to share this concept that's been rolling around in my mind for a little while and thought it might be helpful to you. I was unaware of this concept and I heard about it in I think it was December of this year thanks to my doo Soraya. Ever since then I've just been doing a deep dive on it. I don't know if y'all are familiar with this woman, Mel Robbins. She is kind of a self help guru type person, like a Bernate Brown type person and she has this theory called the Let Them theory. Full disclosure, I've not read the book yet. I've just done a deep dive on the podcast. I get no royalties from this woman, though I feel like I should. I will link the book in my show notes. Here's the whole concept behind it. The aggravation that we experience in our lives is really due to our lack of control over people doing the things that we want them to do. Sound familiar? For those of you who have read my newsletter or listened to My podcast for any amount of time. You know, one of my big life struggles is letting go of control. I need to get my stuff, sticky little fingers off the control panel because I just want people to do the things that I want them to do. I like things the way that I like them. I don't know if this is an oldest sister issue. I don't know if this is due to my generational trauma, like, whatever it is, but like a lot of strong personalities, I want people to do the things that I want them to do. I've talked about this pretty ad nauseam. Help is the sunny side of control, right? I'm offering advice. I think that you should do this thing. It's really hard for me to not get into advice mode with people, and I'm really, really trying. So you all heard it here, 2025. My resolution is to stop doing that because here's the truth of the matter. People are gonna do what they're gonna do regardless of whether or not I offer them advice. I. Whether I create the email for them, the template, the plan, the business plan. People are going to do what they're going to do. So here is the revolutionary idea. Just let them. Just let them be. Let them do what they're going to do. It's not up to you. Let them. So I want to talk about how this pertains to fundraising. Our favorite topic, My favorite topic, the number one complaint that I hear from everyone all the time is my board is a source of aggravation. My board isn't doing what I need them to do. My board isn't fundraising. They're not returning my phone calls. They're not showing up for the meetings, whatever they're doing. And we spend so much time tearing our hair out over it. We spend so much time aggravated about it. We spend so much time bitching and moaning about it to all of our friends. Here is the concept. Let them. Let them. Let them do what they're going to do or not do what they're not going to do. It is going to be a waste of your time and energy to try to force them to do what they're not going to do. Just let them. If they're going to ignore your emails, let them. If they're not coming to meetings, let them. If they're not going to follow through on their commitments, let them. This is not your responsibility. They are grown people who are making decisions about what they're going to do or not going to do. They've agreed to be on this board. They've agreed to have this responsibility. They've agreed to be fiscally and legally responsible for this organization. Yes, that is true. A couple of things I want to flag here for your consideration. One, we put people on the board without spelling out to them exactly what the commitment is. This I find to be true, particularly of people who are founders who get their friends and family on the board and then they flip the script on them. They're like, well, now we're going to be a fundraising board. I never agreed to that. Secondly, I think that we aren't always honest with ourselves about the level of commitment that people have to the cause, to the organization, to the things that they said that they were going to do. Life changes. Maybe when you joined the board, you were single, and now maybe you're married and you have a kid and like, you're traveling for work. Circumstances have changed, and often as EDs, we don't really want to acknowledge the reality of the situation, that things have changed. The first thing I would recommend when we think about the board is let them do what they're going to do. Because you trying to control a situation that you have no control over is just going to make you crazy. Now, I'm not suggesting that we stop there, right? Because if that happens, if no one is looking after the stores, we're looking at a collapse. So instead, the other part of the equation is, let me, let me, let me recognizes what is within my realm of control. Because at the end of the day, I have no control over another human being. I can't make anyone do anything for long period of time. Maybe I can force someone to do something in the short term, but anyone who has a dog or a teenager knows that you can't force anyone to do anything over a long period. So then the next step of the process here is let me, let me acknowledge what I do have control over. Let me be clear with myself. Have I been clear about my expectations? Have I told people what the level of responsibility is? Have I really considered where they're coming from and what might be happening in their lives? Here I'd like to introduce another tool that I enjoy from Byron. Katie. And she has the four questions. In every situation, good or bad, in every conflict, we have stories about other people. So the story that I might have in the case of my board members, they don't care. They're flaky. They think I'm just going to handle this whole organization on my own. They hate fundraising, blah, blah, blah. You can name all of the different stories that you might have about why someone is not doing the thing that you want them to do. We then ask the four questions. Question one, is that true? Is that story true? We start to interrogate the reality of what we believe is true. Is that true? So let's say in this example, well, my board member is. They don't really care about the organization. Well, is that true? Is that true that this is not their thing? Is it true that they don't care about you? Is it true that they don't care about the people that you serve? Then the second question, can you really know if that's true? Maybe we can release the story that we're telling to allow for the possibility of a different interpretation, a different story. So let's say I think that that's true. I confirm that I think this is true based on whatever I think of. The third question is, how does it make you feel? Let's say I'm really pissed off that. That my board members don't work for my phone calls. Cause they don't care about the organization, they don't care about me, they don't care about fundraising. How this makes me feel. I feel angry, I feel aggravated, I feel pissed off. All the things. The fourth question is, who would I be without the thought? Now I'm opening up the possibility that it might actually be this thought keeping me in its emotional clutches. Who would I be without that thought? Then we try the turnaround. Let's say so and so doesn't care about the organization. Let's try on a different set of sentences that might be as true or more true in the situation. Our original story was the board member doesn't care about the organization. One turnaround might be the board member does care about this organization. Maybe I don't care about this board member. Maybe the board member doesn't care about me. Maybe the board member does care about me and does care about the organization. Right? You look at all of the different turnarounds and you get to decide which of these stories you want to be true for you. Because the truth of the matter is, an experience is all subjective. As much as you have a story about them, they have just as much of a story about you. When we can come to the place of not being so emotionally aggravated and instead coming from. And folks have heard me talk about this. When we're activated emotionally, our amygdala is on high. We are fight, flight, or freeze. When we engage in this experience of inquiry, is this true? Who would I be without the thought, et cetera. We are activating our prefrontal cortex. This is the front part of our brain and that is a part of the brain that is involved in what we call the executive state. When we get out of our fear center, the amygdala, and move into our prefrontal cortex, we start to see different possibilities. It could be that you have a board member who truly does not care about the organization and truly does not care about you. Let them, because nothing you are going to do is going to change their mind about the situation. But then we step into. Let me have a conversation about whether or not this is the right place for them. Let me manage my expectations about what they're going to do or not going to do. Let me really think about, have I made it possible for them to be successful in this role? Let me think about whether or not I'm unrealistic in my expectations. Maybe they're not going to do solicitation no matter what you say, but maybe there's a world where you could plug them into hosting a dinner on your behalf, making phone calls to donors, writing thank you notes, taking potential donors out to lunch. Right? There are other things that they can do that are fundraising but are not solicitation. I want to be clear here about what you are asking them to do. Have you been clear about the. The expectation and allowing them the opportunity to step forward and say, yes, I will take responsibility for that. So let them be. Let them do what they're going to do. Let them decide what they want to take responsibility for and based on what they do, let you decide how you are going to act. Let me get another example here because I think this is a really powerful idea. What I hope for all of you in 2025 is more emotional and mental peace. Because this job can be so hard and there' so much emotional aggravation that we can have. We hold so much on our shoulders. My hope for you, dear listener, is peace in 2025. So let's talk about the donor, the inevitable donor who ghosts, who doesn't return our phone calls, who doesn't give when we need them to give. It's very aggravating because you are out here just trying to make it happen and, and you're chasing them down. But here's the truth. They have their own motivations, timelines and the priorities. So no matter what you do, a person is going to respond when they're going to respond. They may or may not upgrade their gift. They may or may not give in the timeline that you want them to give. In you have no control over what other people do. So here is my proposal. Let them. Let them ignore your emails. Let them not come to the events. Let them work on their own timeline. The truth of the matter is when you leave people alone to let them do what they're going to do. When you acknowledge their own autonomy, when you and look, I understand this is hard. I am Micromanagement is my my love language. Like I will nag the hell out of people until I get them to do what I want them to do. I mean nagging is like my superhero power. If there's like superhero power that is nagging and being persistent, that would be mine. You can ask my husband about that. When I am clear about the boundaries of people, their choices and what they're going to do and I am clear about what I can do. The Let me so let me take ownership of my actions and my mindset. Let me look at my communications. Let me look at whether or not I've made compelling, value oriented offers to people in order to get them excited about being engaged in our organization. Let me look at my follow up processes. Why are people lapsing in their donations? Have I really given them a reason to come back? Have I provided a world class experience with them? Have I told them what I'm doing with their money? Have I let them experience the victory and the joy of giving and the joy of the impact? I stopped worrying so much about what people are going to do or what they're not going to do or how I can control what they're going to do. And I think about let me audit my storytelling. Let me think about how we can make our communications better. Let me consider how we can make an outstanding stewardship experience. Let me take responsibility for building a stronger case for support. If I do all of those things and I let them respond in the way that they are going to respond, all of a sudden I. I have reclaimed the power. I am not spending all of my time and precious energy trying to force them to do something that they may or may not want to do. I will say this as well. At the end of the day, any problem that you have can usually be resolved by talking to your donor. If I think that this ask is not compelling enough, ask your donors. If I think that maybe I need a different event to raise money this year. Talk to your donors. There's such a thing as what we call product market fit. I was listening to a podcast with Reed Hastings of Netflix and he talked about the fact that they tried a million different things before he got Netflix in its current form. And I think there's something here about iteration, and I think there's something here about giving the people what they want. Part of why I think sometimes it feels very hard for us to get traction in fundraising, building a community or getting board members on board is that we haven't found the right marketing message, the right communication message, the right energy, if you will, to involve people and get them on the bandwagon with us. And instead we spend our time blaming our board members, blaming our donors, blaming the world at large, because they're not responding in the way we want them to respond. I've often heard people say, well, these millionaires should give us money because they have so much. According to whom, right? It's not your money. People can do what they want to do. If they don't see a clear case for why they should support your cause, they're not going to. I don't want people counting my money and telling me what I should or shouldn't do with it. Collectively, we would all be better if we just let them do what they're going to do. Release that which is not yours to control. Trust them to step into the roles that they are capable of for donors, allow them to engage on their own terms. And for you, let you, let you focus on what you can do. That means developing the systems, strategies and self discipline to create a positive impact. It means engaging with donors and board members who want to be engaged, who raise their hand to say that they're ready and stop chasing the people who don't want to talk to you. All of this means there's another teacher out here, Tara Brock, who talks about radical acceptance. If we can radically accept reality as it is and stop arguing with reality, stop arguing with that which actually is, and accept the world as it is. We spend a lot less energy trying to change things. Instead, we can invest our energy into changing what actually is. I think that makes us a lot less stressed and a lot less overcome and a lot less overwhelmed because we are accepting reality on its own terms. We just let them do what they're going to do and we let us do what we can control. And I know it sounds like such a simple thing, but for me, it's been such a radical mantra over the last couple of months, especially over the holidays, right? You're aggravated because your parents are doing this or your siblings are doing that, or your friends aren't inviting you to this thing, or you're not going to the party you thought you were Going, let them. Let your parents be crazy. Let your siblings say what they're going to say. Let your friends get together without you. Because the thing is, when you accept that this is who they are and what they are, you stop arguing with reality. Essentially, it's like a tug of war, right? It takes two to tango. But if you just let them do what they're going to do, you drop your end of the rope. If there's no one to tug against, there's no game here. You're just not playing the game. And I think it's important to note that I'm not saying resignation. This is not about resignation. This is simply creating a strong boundary between what is yours and what is is someone else's. By recognizing what is someone else's to do what is someone else's prerogative what someone else's reality. You stop making yourself crazy by trying to control them, to make them do what you want them to do, whether it's your kids, whether it's your spouse, whether it's your board, whether it's your donors. Let them do what they're going to do. Now, again, there are obviously limits to this. You're not going to let somebody drive drunk, be, you know, cross your boundaries and be harmful to you. These are obviously not let them situations, but most situations are not that dramatic. And so when it comes to letting go of the little aggravations of like, oh, well, so and so didn't call me when he said that he was going to let them, your life will be so much better. Okay, so I'm at the end of this. I hope that this has been helpful to you. I've been using this let them theory for the last month or so, and it's actually been incredibly helpful for me because I need to calm the micromanager inside. I recognized that I somehow appointed myself God's little hallway monitor, and nobody likes the hallway monitor, right? And I was just chasing people in a metaphorical way, like, these are the rules and where's your bathroom pass? And no running in the hallways. I was like Tracy Flick. It was really very, very uncool. I hope that this let them theory might help you to have a more peaceful, joyful 2025. Let me know if this is resonating for you. Let me know if these solo episodes are ones that you want me to do more of. Happy to do that. And finally, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that in 2025, y'all, I have spent Christmas break completely renovating my Big Ask Gift program. It's bigger, it's better. It is going to be on fire y'all. So if you are an executive director or development director or board member out here listening and you think that you might need some support in 2025 to take your major gift fundraising to the next level, check it out riawong.com bag even though I'm feeling optimistic, I know it's going to be turbulent. We have a good idea of what this administration might do with things like federal and state funding, particularly for climate change, environmentalism, reproductive rights, immigrant rights, trans rights, etc. We can read the tea leaves that things are going to change on a federal and state level, which means now is the time to double down on your major gift. So if you need some support in starting your major gift program or you know that you're leaving a lot of money on the table, check out Ria Wong Calm. Click on Work with me. Book a call. We can talk about how I can help you. Have a great week and I will see you next week. Hey fundraisers. Looking to nail those big fundraising asks? Check out my Big Ask gift program at riawong.com forward/ask bag. Say goodbye to uncertainty and hello to confidence with my program. Get expert strategies and personalized support to secure those game changing donations. Don't let fear hold you back. Join me and take your fundraising to new heights. We're enrolling now@riawong.com bag that's rhea wong.com bag so if you like big asks and you cannot lie, I'll see you in the program.