Devilish Horde of Pestilence with Nadira Goffe

Summary

Podcast Summary: Normal Gossip – "Devilish Horde of Pestilence with Nadira Goffe"

Episode Information

• Title: Devilish Horde of Pestilence with Nadira Goffe
• Host: Rachel Hampton
• Guest: Nadira Goffe (Slate Staff Brighter)
• Release Date: May 14, 2025
• Description: Normal Gossip delivers juicy, strange, funny, and utterly banal gossip about people you’ll never know and never meet. In this episode, Rachel Hampton welcomes Nadira Goffe to delve into a bizarre and comedic tale of shared living woes involving perpetual stew, roaches, and eccentric roommates.

---

Introduction and Housekeeping

[00:38] Rachel Hampton Rachel opens the episode with exciting news about the upcoming Normal Gossip tour set for September, covering nine major cities. She highlights special VIP tickets that include meet-and-greets, fostering a strong community connection with listeners.

[02:43] Rachel Hampton Rachel introduces the episode’s guest, Nadira Goffe, praising her as a favorite collaborator and teasing exclusive content available to paid subscribers. Nadira joins the conversation, setting the stage for a deep dive into an intriguing gossip story.

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The Relationship with Gossip

[03:01] Rachel Hampton Rachel inquires about Nadira’s connection to gossip, setting a personal tone for the episode.

[03:06] Nadira Goffe Nadira humorously describes herself as a confidante for others’ secrets, feeling powerful through being the recipient of gossip, which she believes benefits society.

[03:27] Nadira Goffe She shares a light-hearted anecdote about having a "90s face," leading to playful banter about dating and societal perceptions.

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Gemma’s Big Move and Initial Settling In

[11:49] Rachel Hampton Rachel introduces the main gossip story centered around Gemma, an 18-year-old who moves from a small Midwestern town to a shared apartment in a trendy East Coast city.

[12:12] Rachel Hampton Rachel outlines Gemma’s situation: she’s self-sufficient, waiting tables, and found her housing through a high school friend, Ruth, who has a niche following for selling love spells on Etsy.

[14:05] Nadira Goffe Nadira expresses skepticism about Gemma’s decision to rent a room without seeing the apartment first, highlighting potential red flags and setting up anticipation for ensuing drama.

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The Perpetual Stew and Roach Infestation

[16:37] Rachel Hampton Rachel delves into the apartment’s quirky living situation, focusing on the perpetual stew kept by roommates Darcy and Duncan, which becomes a breeding ground for roaches.

[20:13] Rachel Hampton She explains the concept of perpetual stew, raising concerns about food safety and hygiene, while Nadira continues to critique the roommates’ neglectful habits.

[22:52] Nadira Goffe Nadira emphasizes her disdain for the roommates' lax approach to kitchen cleanliness, advocating for immediate action to prevent further issues.

[23:09] Rachel Hampton Rachel describes how the stew’s constant simmering attracts pests, leading to ongoing conflicts among the roommates about cleanliness and pest control.

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Conflict Escalation and Attempts at Resolution

[25:03] Rachel Hampton The story intensifies as a cockroach is found swimming in the stew, prompting panic and a flurry of reactions from the roommates.

[27:44] Nadira Goffe Nadira humorously outlines her over-the-top strategies for dealing with such infestations, highlighting the absurdity of the situation.

[30:00] Rachel Hampton Gemma and Ruth collaborate to address the pest problem, but their efforts are repeatedly undermined by the stubbornness of Darcy and Duncan.

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Introduction of Merlin the Cat and Further Chaos

[43:44] Rachel Hampton A new character, Merlin the cat, is introduced as Darcy’s familiar, intended to help with the pest problem but instead causes more issues with improper litter box use.

[44:36] Nadira Goffe Nadira reacts with horror at Merlin’s mess, underscoring the cumulative frustrations Gemma faces living with such troublesome roommates.

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Climactic Confrontation and Departure

[53:03] Rachel Hampton Tensions reach a peak when Ruth confronts Darcy about unpaid gas bills and the ongoing pest issues, leading Gemma to decide it's time to leave.

[57:31] Rachel Hampton Despite efforts to control the situation, Darcy and Duncan’s mishandling culminates in a kitchen fire, forcing them to flee and leaving Merlin the cat behind.

[60:00] Rachel Hampton Gemma finally moves out, ending her tumultuous experience with Darcy and Duncan, but not without significant personal trauma and a newfound aversion to broth-based meals.

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Concluding Reflections

[63:02] Rachel Hampton Rachel wraps up the story by reflecting on the chaos and the lessons learned, with Nadira expressing a mix of horror and comedic relief over the ordeal.

[64:19] Rachel Hampton The episode concludes with heartfelt thanks to Nadira, acknowledging the unforgettable and transformative nature of the story they shared.

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Notable Quotes

1. Nadira Goffe on Power of Gossip

   • "[03:06] I'm someone who people just like to tell things to, which makes me feel very powerful, so I think it's a net good for society."

2. Nadira Goffe on Perpetual Stew Concerns

   • "[20:00] You know you're in bad territory when the word stuffs, plural food stuffs, is involved."

3. Rachel Hampton on Gordon's Advice

   • "[49:35] Jimma's in her room one night when she hears Rhea's voices coming from the living room."

4. Nadira Goffe on Ending the Stew Problem

   • "[28:23] You are so lucky to have gotten out of the house when you did."

5. Nadira Goffe on Long-term Effects

   • "[63:29] Something I will never forget."

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Key Takeaways

• Importance of Clear Communication: Gemma’s ordeal underscores the necessity of open and direct communication with roommates to prevent misunderstandings and resolve conflicts.

• Hygiene and Food Safety: The perpetual stew serves as a comedic yet cautionary tale about maintaining proper hygiene and food safety practices in shared living spaces.

• Boundaries and Personal Growth: Gemma’s journey reflects the challenges of setting boundaries, asserting oneself, and the personal growth that comes from navigating difficult living situations.

• Humor in Adversity: Nadira and Rachel infuse humor into the chaotic narrative, making the story both entertaining and relatable for listeners facing similar roommate issues.

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Conclusion

"Devilish Horde of Pestilence with Nadira Goffe" is a captivating episode that blends humor with the all-too-real challenges of shared living. Through the exaggerated antics of perpetual stews and roach infestations, the episode offers both laughs and lessons on communication, cleanliness, and personal boundaries. Nadira Goffe's insightful commentary adds depth to the chaotic narrative, making this episode a memorable addition to the Normal Gossip series.

For those who haven't tuned in, this episode promises a rollercoaster of emotions wrapped in comedic storytelling, illustrating that sometimes, the stranger-than-fiction life stories shared on podcasts are the most entertaining of all.

Transcript

[Karina Longworth]

You must remember this as the podcast dedicated to stories from the secret and forgotten histories of 20th century Hollywood. Stories of sex, murder, institutional racism, bad men, sad women, fascist gossip columnists, and much more. Our new season is called the Old Man Is Still Alive and it's about directors like Alfred Hitchcock and John Ford, who got started in the silent era, but we're still making movies in the psychedelic 60s. Follow and listen to youo Must Remember this on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Rachel Hampton]

Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode six, y' all. If you didn't tune in last week or you're not following us on Instagram, I have got some incredibly exciting news this week. Ciara and I are going on tour for the first time this September. We are bringing Normal Gossip to nine different cities. We are stopping in New York, Boston, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, Denver, Dallas, Austin, Chicago and Minneapolis. Tickets went on sale to the public on Friday, May 9, so that means if you are listening right now and live in any of those cities, you can go buy a ticket [e-mail] this is Ciara and I's very first tour and we are so, so excited to bring this show on the road and we'll even be meeting some of y' all. There are exclusive VIP tickets for every show that include a meet and greet with the both of us where I hope y' all will bring me some delicious little morsels of gossip. That is all the housekeeping for today's show. Now onto the Gossip y' all. I love every episode of this season but this one holds a special place in my heart because today's guest is none other than Slate staff Brighter Nadir Nadira is truly one of my absolute favorite people to record with and I think by the end of this episode y' all will definitely understand why. Some of y' all who are paid subscribers to the show have already heard me Nadira acting a damn fool. If you're not subscribed as a friend of a friend or friend, you are missing out. Not just on Nadira, but on some exclusive listener submitted gossip. If you want to sign up, go to defector.com products normalgossip okay, that is for real. All the housekeeping without further ado, Nadira hello. Thank you so much for joining me.

[Nadira Nadir]

Thanks for having me. I am so excited to be here.

[Rachel Hampton]

I am really so thrilled Our subscribers have had the absolute pleasure of meeting you before the whole audience does. But for those of y' all who have not had the pleasure of hearing Nadira, you're in for a beautiful ride.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, God, I hope so.

[Rachel Hampton]

Before we get into the gossip, I would love to know what your relationship to gossip is.

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm someone who people just like to tell things to, which makes me feel very powerful, so I think it's a net good for society. Me feeling powerful is a net good for society.

[Rachel Hampton]

I agree. I agree. You do have a very, like, I trust your face. You know, I look at you, and I'm like, yes, I trust her.

[Nadira Nadir]

I said a few days ago to one of my friends that I think I have a 90s face.

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh, I agree. No, I agree. I could see you in Living Single.

[Nadira Nadir]

Which I think is why no one wants to date me now, but it's fine.

[Rachel Hampton]

Girl, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that men are in a worse state than they have ever been. Do you want to date a man right now? Oh, God, yeah. Exactly. There you go. There you go. There you go. It's called Living Single for a reason, Nadira. In a 90s kind of world. I'm glad I got my girls.

[Nadira Nadir]

Wow. Wow. You're really pulling it all out for this. I feel the red carpet has been rolled out.

[Rachel Hampton]

A little birdie told me you've got some gossip for me.

[Nadira Nadir]

Well, yes. Okay. See, what had happened was.

[Rachel Hampton]

Ooh, I love a story that starts with, well, what had happened was I've.

[Nadira Nadir]

Been lying to my mom for over a decade now.

[Rachel Hampton]

You outing yourself on the podcast.

[Nadira Nadir]

Look, and maybe my mom will listen to this, and she'll be like, baby, I've always known, you know?

[Rachel Hampton]

But that is very likely.

[Nadira Nadir]

It is very likely. Nicole is very perceptive. However, my mom threw me a 16th birthday party, and it was a surprise birthday party.

[Darcy]

Ooh.

[Nadira Nadir]

But the surprise never actually happened. It was ruined. It was spoiled. And I told myself that I would take it to the grave.

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh, my God.

[Nadira Nadir]

But it. Well, okay, so. So basically what happened is it all started with my mom being like, hey, do you want a party for your 16th birthday? And me being like, oh, could do. That would be fun. That would be fine. And she's like, well, if you did, what would you do? Let's say you had a bowling party. Let's say you did. Whatever. Who would you invite? That was her very smart way of getting an invitation list. In terms of a hypothetical, while I was a 16. Well, 15 year old, then just so busy with other things that I didn't even think about the fact that she was actually asking me for an invitation list to a hypothetical party. Right. So maybe I should have been perceptive enough to know what she was doing.

[Rachel Hampton]

But no, you were 15. You had more important things going on.

[Nadira Nadir]

Exactly. Things were happening.

[Rachel Hampton]

Puberty.

[Nadira Nadir]

The Disney Channel was on. Right. I wasn't worried about my mom being like, well, if you had a party, who would you invite?

[Rachel Hampton]

No. Exactly. You're like, well, obviously I've already thought about, why don't you know this already, Nicole?

[Nadira Nadir]

Exactly. So I'm like, all right, so boom. I would invite so and so and so and so and so and so. Sounds great. Months go by, I don't hear anything about a party I totally forget I'm at. It was either Thanksgiving or a Christmas with my family. And my family is sitting at this big table and we're all talking about these upcoming parties and all of this stuff and outfits, like what we're gonna wear to see so and so and such and such. And my aunt looks at me and goes, what are you wearing to your party? And. And everyone goes, quiet. And I look at her like, what? And my mom visibly kicks her underneath the table so hard that it is etched into my brain, like whatever subtlety was required in that moment.

[Rachel Hampton]

I can picture this so clearly. And what is so funny about this is that this could 100% have been papered over so easily.

[Nadira Nadir]

So easily.

[Rachel Hampton]

If you just said, oh, I assumed you were having a party cause you're turning 16 and that's a big age, you would have been like, oh, yeah, you're right.

[Nadira Nadir]

Right. But instead, my mom's choice was to kick her sister underneath the table in such a fashion that it was. You couldn't ignore it if you wanted to.

[Rachel Hampton]

The thing is, that's also what I would do to my siblings. So I see everyone's side here.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, yes. So I'm like, okay, I'm having a surprise birthday party. And obviously I now have to keep this secret for months because my birthday's in May and this was either fall or Christmas time.

[Rachel Hampton]

Wow. Also, your mother started planning really early.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, yes. I keep the secret for months. And of course, on my birthday, my mom's like, let's choose a new outfit. We'll go to dinner. You can get your hair done. I'm like, okay, sounds great. We show up to this random ass location in Northern Liberties, which at over 10 years ago, guys, was not the area that it is now. It Was very much empty lots and warehouses. It was not the gentrified area full of bars and things that the Northern liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia is today.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, Nadir is a Philly girl. In case you somehow miss that. Somehow. We went, we went 10 whole minutes, you guys.

[Nadira Nadir]

I can be not insufferable, you know, like, it's fine, it's fine. I'm fine. Philadelphia. I'm not crazy about it whatsoever. It's cool. So, yeah, so basically the end of the story is we show up at this random location and I'm like, how would you explain this as being a. A place for dinner or something? And I don't remember what my mom said. I think she said something about like we have to stop here for a second or something like that. And I'm like, okay. And so we walk into this place but the whole time I'm thinking, how am I going to feign surprise since I know what's coming?

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh, I believe in you.

[Nadira Nadir]

And obviously as soon as we walk in, all of my friends and family and family friends are there and they yell surprise. And there's like phone camera's out and everyone's videotaping me and they're all singing and I black out. I'm like, I don't know what happened. And my friends later are like, this is maybe a year later. They're like, do you remember what you did for your birthday when we were singing to you and I was like no. And they were like, you started dancing and rocking back and forth and singing along.

[Rachel Hampton]

Not you singing happy birthday to your son.

[Nadira Nadir]

16 year old me did not know how to lock that shit down. I've since been a theater kid. Well, I was always a theater kid. Maybe not a good one, but I've become a better one. Anyway, long story short, I've always wanted a surprise party. Which is why my mom wanted to throw me one. And I still to this day have not had one.

[Rachel Hampton]

Never actually had a surprise party.

[Nadira Nadir]

So if someone wants to throw me a surprise party and not ruin it, that would be great also. Mom, I'm sorry and I love you.

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh. I both hope your mom is listening. And I hope your mom isn't listening.

[Nadira Nadir]

Same. I will be sending this to her because she is my number one fan.

[Rachel Hampton]

Hello mom.

[Nadira Nadir]

Hi mom. But you know. Yeah, just. Sorry. Thank you.

[Rachel Hampton]

That was beautiful gossip. I love self gossip. I love gossip that might spark some discourse in your own way.

[Nadira Nadir]

I was thinking maybe the story itself is boring if you weren't there. But the real gossip is maybe what happens in my text conversations with my mom after this episode airs. So I'll keep you updated.

[Rachel Hampton]

Keep us updated and I will let the listeners know how Nicole reacts to this.

[Nadira Nadir]

Thank you.

[Rachel Hampton]

In the meantime, I have a story for you.

[Nadira Nadir]

I have never been more ready. I'm shaking with excitement.

[Rachel Hampton]

Pants big. Let's go.

[Darcy]

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[Rachel Hampton]

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[Darcy]

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[Rachel Hampton]

On booking.com normal gossip is brought to.

[Nadira Nadir]

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[Rachel Hampton]

Okay, so today our friend of a friend is Gemma. Gemma is 18 and she has just moved out of her parents house and into a shared apartment in a trendy neighborhood in an expensive east coast city. We know some things about that.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, we do. Unfortunately.

[Rachel Hampton]

This isn't just Gemma's first time living on her own. Gemma grew up in a small town in the Midwest. So this is also Gemma's first time living in a big city for 18.

[Nadira Nadir]

That's a lot.

[Rachel Hampton]

I know. Have you ever made a move like this where the stakes feel really, really high?

[Nadira Nadir]

I like to think of myself as someone who is risk averse or in other words, a little bitch. But with that being said, I did move to New York. I mean I wasn't 18, but I moved to New York without having secured a job. Officially. Officially. Officially I was on final rounds of interviews. It felt like so it kind of seemed like I was getting the job, but technically I moved to New York without a job post pandemic, which does feel like a wild thing to do now, mind you, I did move on a Sunday, have my final interview on a Monday, and then secure the job on that Tuesday. But it wasn't promised. It wasn't promised.

[Rachel Hampton]

I mean, I like to think it was, but. I understand.

[Nadira Nadir]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma is lucky to have, like, supportive parents who can send her $60 for groceries on occasion and keep her on their phone plan. Not a small thing, but they're not the kind of parents who are gonna be paying her rent.

[Nadira Nadir]

Right, right, right.

[Rachel Hampton]

Luckily, Gemma has a job. She's waiting tables at a restaurant. And even luckier, Gemma managed to find a housing deal through a friend from high school.

[Nadira Nadir]

What? What? Small town high school friends have housing deals on major east coast cities.

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, Ruth is two years older than Gemma.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

She's kind of witchy. Like, she sold love spells in high school. And Gemma had heard about the spells working for at least two different people.

[Nadira Nadir]

So she got that Etsy money and the Etsy witchy street cred.

[Rachel Hampton]

Okay, Exactly. And a few months back, Ruth had posted about a room opening up in her apartment on Instagram.

[Nadira Nadir]

I see.

[Rachel Hampton]

Okay, here's where our friend of a friend arguably makes her first mistake. Because Gemma agrees to take the room without ever seeing it in person.

[Nadira Nadir]

No.

[Rachel Hampton]

Jemma, do you think this is a good ide.

[Nadira Nadir]

Sweet summer child? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I. I'm cringing already. My toes are curling. Not in a good way. I don't. I'm really. I don't like gross things. I don't like pests. I don't like dysfunction, especially in the home. And I'm just terrified of what awaits Gemma when she shows up to this apartment that a witch lives in without seeing it first. But I'm also intrigued, so please tell me.

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, I gotta say, it works out relatively okay for Gemma. Like, her room is pretty cute. It's definitely small, but it's in a cool little attic space that gets, like, really incredible planted light. The rest of the apartment is. Well, it's an apartment with four walls that keep out rain and snow.

[Nadira Nadir]

We love shelter. Shout out to shelter.

[Rachel Hampton]

But the kitchen has clearly never been updated. The windows in the kitchen are tiny and covered in grime, so no natural light gets in.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, God.

[Rachel Hampton]

All the furniture in the living room is clearly just, like what's been left over from previous tenants. There are currently four tenants, including Gemma and Ruth. But there's only one bathroom, and the shower is tiny.

[Nadira Nadir]

No, wait. Sorry. Sorry. So did Gemma know about these other. These other people? Are they women? Are they what's going on? Who lives here?

[Rachel Hampton]

How are you feeling?

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm scared.

[Rachel Hampton]

I'm terrified.

[Nadira Nadir]

First of all, who lives here? We don't know who lives here. Second of all, does my good sis only work in love spells or other spells being cast? Has a spell? Does she need to burn some sage before she moves in? I'm scared. I'm scared for Gemma.

[Rachel Hampton]

These are all incredible questions. Okay.

[Nadira Nadir]

Which makes me even more terrified.

[Rachel Hampton]

I will say the apartments saving grace is that it's really clear that someone has tried to make it a home. It has that, like, cozy, kind of overstuffed vibe. There's a lot of, like, fabric wall hangings and floor pillows. It always smells like sandalwood incense. Every available surface has a plant on it.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay. We love that. Okay, I'm sorry. This is great. More of this, please.

[Rachel Hampton]

The other two tenants besides Gemma and Ruth are a couple. Darcy and Duncan.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, I. The alliteration usually is cute, but considering that I'm coming from a place of fear, I don't know how I feel about it right now.

[Rachel Hampton]

Darcy and Duncan are also witchy.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, God.

[Rachel Hampton]

Not a coven. Well, Ruth gives, like, practical magic witchy.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

Darcy and Duncan give, like, Burning man witchy. They're like evangelists for composting. They have a struggling herb garden growing in a windowsill. Aluminum hasn't touched their armpits in at least a decade. They talk about their gut health a lot.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, well, so do I. Okay, not too. I got ibs, so not too much about.

[Rachel Hampton]

Do you have any, like, witchy woo woo tendencies?

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, I certainly do. And I. Well, I hope my mother doesn't mind me saying this. We can fact check that later, but my mother practices an ancient African religion, a sort of sect of the Yoruba religion. So we've definitely. I feel a little witchy. She feels a little witchy. We get our witchy time on from time to time. Love a crystal. Love some sage. Love some talking to the ancestors. Love that. But I have questions also. How did you guys meet? Was it like, was it a witchy meetup? If so, what did you do at said witchy meetup?

[Rachel Hampton]

Nadir, you have so many incredible questions.

[Nadira Nadir]

These are questions that my good sis Gemma should have asked before she moved in. But it's too late now.

[Rachel Hampton]

It is too late. You're right. One last thing to know about this apartment. On the floor that's street level, there's like a little plant shop.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay. We love that. Yeah, that's kind of like rom com setting.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. At first this works out relatively okay for Gemma. In fact, she's having a phenomenal time. She's working a ton, so she's rarely home. Plus, everyone at the restaurant she's waiting tables at is, like, really, really cool. She joins a running club, which I know neither one of us would ever do.

[Nadira Nadir]

As we've established, we do not run.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma's new enough to town that, like, every guy she passes on the street is hotter than the one before. You know that feeling when you move to a really big city and you're like, I didn't know they made them like this.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, unfortunately, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

So everything's coming up Gemma. Everything except for the stew, Rachel.

[Nadira Nadir]

The what?

[Rachel Hampton]

Are you familiar with the concept of perpetual stew?

[Nadira Nadir]

God, yes. Yes, yes, I am. It's a health hazard in a pot, but yes, I am. Please say more.

[Rachel Hampton]

Right, right, right, right, right, right. So, according to Wikipedia, perpetual stew is also known as forever soup, hunter's pot, or hunter's stew. Perpetual stew is a pot into which foodstuffs are placed and cooked continuously. The pot is never or rarely emptied all the way, and ingredients and liquid are replenished as necessary. Such food can continue cooking for decades or longer if properly maintained.

[Nadira Nadir]

You know you're in bad territory when the word stuffs, plural food stuffs, is involved. Not specific, just foodstuffs.

[Rachel Hampton]

Just food stuffs. Exactly. Exactly. Duncan and Darcy stew has been going for at least a year.

[Nadira Nadir]

Uh huh. Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

I read about one in Thailand that's been going on for over 45 years. And last year a woman went viral for keeping a perpetual stew going for two months in Prospect Park.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, that I remember. And it scared me.

[Rachel Hampton]

Would you help yourself to some perpetual stew? It sounds like.

[Nadira Nadir]

No, no. I really. Don't be trusting people like that. I. Maybe it's trust issues, maybe it's my ibs, but I certainly.

[Rachel Hampton]

Maybe it's Maybelline.

[Nadira Nadir]

Maybe it's Maybelline, but I certainly would not. However, the little devil inside of me really wants someone else to try and be like. So how does it taste? How do you feel?

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Anybody who knows me knows that I have the gastrointestinal constitution of one of those kids who live in a bubble. So I'm not risking it. And neither is Gemma, no matter how many times Duncan and Darcy try to convince her that it's safe. Duncan and Darcy are obsessed with the stew. Like they eat at least one helping of stew a day, sometimes up to three. Gemma has caught them spoon feeding each other from the pot of stew.

[Nadira Nadir]

No, I don't like this. Also okay, we may not know the answer to this question, but if they're using a gas stove, how high is their gas bill? Cause doesn't that thing have to be boiling all the time for it to maintain FDA regulation?

[Rachel Hampton]

Pre rfk? Yes, yes, yes. One more thing is that Duncan and Darcy refer to the Stu as Stewie and they refer to themselves as Stewie's parents.

[Nadira Nadir]

Parents.

[Rachel Hampton]

No. No.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, God, this is so, so bad. I don't know why, but it's just giving me such bad vibes. It's just like if they do this, what else do they do?

[Rachel Hampton]

You know, Gemma will openly admit that sometimes the stew smells pretty good, but then other times it smells like something low key died in it. The stew is always just simmering away while Gemma is trying to cook. And Duncan and Darcy tend to leave all the trimmings from the stew ingredients just on the counter.

[Nadira Nadir]

So.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Gemma's always throwing away like potato and carrot peels.

[Nadira Nadir]

That's annoying. If you're going to always be taking up a burner in this small apartment where we probably don't have a lot of counter space to begin with, then please compost your shit. Cause I know they compost.

[Rachel Hampton]

They love composting.

[Nadira Nadir]

So throw that in. Don't you love composting enough to do it? I feel as though. So maybe you should.

[Rachel Hampton]

Sometimes Duncan and Darcy will text the roommate, group chat, like, whoever's home, can you turn down the stew?

[Nadira Nadir]

I guess.

[Rachel Hampton]

Would you be okay babysitting your housemate's stew?

[Nadira Nadir]

Just get a dog. What is happening? Get a real pet. Get a real pet. What is happening? At least a dog will cuddle me back. This I don't want this to do. But with that being said, the thing I really don't want is to hear this couple complaining about a ruined stew because that feels like a months long drama or a fire starting. So I would. If they asked me to turn down the stew, I would, but I would do it unhappily.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's also how I operate. I'm like, yes, I would do it, but I'll pout the whole time. Yep. Jimma's in her room one night when she hears a scream.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma runs down the stairs and finds Ruth, her witchy high school classmate, standing in the kitchen. Gemma's like, dude, what the fuck? I thought you were getting murdered.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh. So it was like a blood curdling.

[Rachel Hampton]

Scream, like someone got stabbed.

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm locked in.

[Rachel Hampton]

And Ruth sort of shudders and then points to the corner of the kitchen where Gemma sees A dozen little shiny bodies scatting across the floor.

[Nadira Nadir]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. Nicole ain't raised no bitch.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma screams just like that.

[Nadira Nadir]

This is testing me, but I will prove stronger. Okay, continue on.

[Rachel Hampton]

Ruth's like, I know. It's so gross. The two go on a roach killing spree. Before wiping everything in the kitchen down. They store, like, the bunches of unused herbs on the cutting board in plastic bags.

[Nadira Nadir]

This was not being done before. Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then they see it.

[Nadira Nadir]

See what?

[Rachel Hampton]

A roach swimming in the perpetual stew. No, this stew is your roommate's child. This is Stewie, their baby. And it is also currently providing a Viking funeral for our roach. What do you do?

[Nadira Nadir]

A Viking funeral is diabolical. What do I do? What do I do? First of all, I evict myself from the apartment.

[Rachel Hampton]

I call the landlord and say, evict my.

[Nadira Nadir]

I call my mother, say, I need help. I call the landlord and say, I'm sorry, you must kick me out. And then, I don't know. I walk the streets. I have no idea wailing. I famously have a slight phobia, irrational fear of insects. And I am someone who lives in Brooklyn, and so I have also had to go to war with roaches. And my war is well documented to all of my family members and my friends because I've sent them videos, photos, et cetera. I have now become somewhat of a tyrant, But I live alone, so I'm allowed to do that. But a cleanliness tyrant, because I really, really, really. My day, my week perhaps, is ruined anytime I see a roach. So I would move. I would move. And if I couldn't move, I would pray. And then I would get Raid. And I would then still move. What I would do about the stew, you know, not my Stewie, not my.

[Rachel Hampton]

Child, not my problem, not my circus, not my monkey.

[Nadira Nadir]

Exactly. I would text them and be like, hey, guys, don't mean to ruin your entire lives, but there is a roach in Stewie. And I don't think then that it is healthy or safe to eat. And you might have to. Well, I wouldn't say you might have to start over, because please don't fucking start over with the stew. But I would just say, no, babes, I think it's time to throw this out. But I don't think I would throw it out for them at this point in time.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's really smart. Um, Gemma and Ruth are like, fuck it, I'm done. And they toss Stewie away.

[Nadira Nadir]

I guess that's fair. Is the assumption that the roaches came because of the perpetual stew.

[Rachel Hampton]

The perpetual stew? The stuff on the counter that goes into the perpetual stew.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay. In which case, if I felt like it wasn't just the things on the counter, but it was also the perpetual stew that was involved inviting the pests in, I would yeet that shit out the window so fast you wouldn't even be able to blink. Half a millisecond. Half a nano millisecond, and it's gone. And it's gone to the wind.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So they gone with the wind, this dude. It goes with the wind. And Ruth's sages the kitchen just to be extra safe.

[Nadira Nadir]

I trust Ruth. That's a good idea.

[Rachel Hampton]

What are you saying in the roommate group chat after this?

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm saying your stew has caused unto us a devilish horde. A devilish horde of pestilence. Of pestilence, of demons, of daemons even. And I had to excise our property in order to keep us safe. And by that I mean I threw your shit out the window. And I'm not sorry about it. Come at me, bro.

[Rachel Hampton]

Real, real. Gemma and Ruth, they craft a statement together that Gemma sends.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, that's smart.

[Rachel Hampton]

So first, Gemma texts a photo of the cockroach carcasses to the chat just to be like, we're not making anything up. Here's the evidence.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then she's like, hey, guys, we seem to have a pest problem. Ruth and I killed as many as possible, but I think we should all be on high alert going forward. And then she's like, we stored everything in the fridge and wiped everything down. But unfortunately the stew had to go before finally being like, and let's all be extra careful with our food storage from now on. Do you think this is an adequate response?

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's a lot nicer than I've. Well, I don't. It depends on what state of shock and fear and adrenaline I was. I was in. But yes, that seems like a good response. They explained why they did what they did. They showed proof, like I have been doing to my family and friends with my approach photos. And I think you. You could argue with it, but you shouldn't.

[Rachel Hampton]

Ruth, who is standing right next to Gemma as she sends this text, waits an appropriate amount of time before responding. Agreed.

[Nadira Nadir]

Right.

[Rachel Hampton]

Duncan sends a thumbs up. Darcy just doesn't respond.

[Nadira Nadir]

Darcy.

[Rachel Hampton]

And two days later, the stew is reborn, along with the piles of carrot and potato peels on the counter. The new stew is referred to as Tooy.

[Nadira Nadir]

So These are fans of Little Shop of Horrors. And you know what? That I can respect. However, this behavior. I would throw it all away again and then say, hey, guys, we explained this, but unless you want to be friends with the cockroaches, we can't do this.

[Rachel Hampton]

Three days after Tuy's resurrection, the cockroaches also return. Of course, Gemma continues to send texts that start with hey, guys. But nothing changes. After a few weeks of this, Gemma is like, I'm tired of this. I'm just gonna take things into my own hands. She's tired of turning on the kitchen light to see roaches scattering. She's tired of the smell of vegetables composting in the open air. She's tired of the kitchen being too scary to cook in. So on one of her rare free days, Gemma spends four hours cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, throwing away all the forgotten heads of lettuce and shriveled up old mushrooms. She plugs any holes she can find with steel wool and spray foam. And then finally, she calls in the big guns. She spends a third of her savings and calls in pest control.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, honey, no, no, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

So you wouldn't do this.

[Nadira Nadir]

Here's where we went wrong in this section of our story. Letting tui get to be weeks old, instead of just nipping that in the bud right away. Throwing. Throwing Tui out immediately. I think that was maybe a mistake because I. I feel like if. If you cut it off right at the start, then that would have. Maybe every time they tried to bring it back, if you just kept throwing it out, then I think they maybe would have gotten the. Gotten the hint right.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah.

[Nadira Nadir]

Pest control. Have they ever controlled pests? You know, in New York at least.

[Rachel Hampton]

No, I know. I know. I had mice in an apartment and I. Useless, useless, expensive and useless.

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm all for gainful employment, but y' all have run amok on me a few too many times.

[Rachel Hampton]

It really. Yeah, no, I see. I. Yeah, same, same.

[Nadira Nadir]

But with that being said, I do understand if you're dealing with an infestation of that.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah.

[Nadira Nadir]

Then nature first talk to the landlord, you know, See what. Because usually there's a sort of exterminator situation going on that they already have. But I understand wanting to call in outside help. I just. First of all, one third of your savings alone. When you live in an apartment with three other people, four total. You should not be the only one paying for that. And two, I'm going to be very sad when this inevitably does not work, because extermination is a myth.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. The exterminator lays down some, like, special gel shit that apparently deters cockroaches. And the pest control guy tells Gemma that the special gel needs to be left on for about 12 hours before being cleaned up. Jem is like, okay, cool, easy. She texts the group chat like, I paid for an exterminator for the roaches. Please avoid the kitchen for the next 12 hours. And she explains everything about the special gel. Ruth responds immediately like, OMG, thank you so much. And then, Venmos Gemma $50.

[Nadira Nadir]

Cause Ruth, a real one. Once Ruth pulled out the sage, I was like, oh, that's a good roommate.

[Rachel Hampton]

We love Ruth in this house. Once again, Duncan, thumbs up.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Once again, Darcy doesn't respond.

[Nadira Nadir]

Aren't they in a relationship?

[Rachel Hampton]

They are. They are. They're a couple.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Which of these responses would piss you off more?

[Nadira Nadir]

Duncan's. Because not to be. Come get your wife. But Darcy, at this point, we know she's not happy with the situation. She's lost cause. But Duncan, I feel like he could maybe help out.

[Rachel Hampton]

You and Gemma are on the exact same page. The thumbs up just really gets under Gemma's skin. She is, like, enraged and exhausted from also cleaning all day. So she decides to take a nap. You know that, like, angry nap.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

She passes out on the couch. And when she wakes up about two hours later, she can hear music coming from the kitchen along with the sounds and of Darcy's singing. Gemma can also smell the unmistakable smell of peppermint. Dr. Bronner's castile soap.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, see, here's why I have another question. This whole time, did they not see each other in this apartment? Because I also would have been talking to her in person, like, hey, sis, what's wrong with you? We have an issue. We should be a unique front against the enemy.

[Rachel Hampton]

The roaches.

[Nadira Nadir]

And yet here you are being a traitor in the night. Yes, the roaches.

[Rachel Hampton]

Correct.

[Nadira Nadir]

So I feel like we would have been having this in person dialogue this whole time. When it gets to this point, if I turn around and see Ms. Peppermint, Dr. Bronner's chopping vegetables to make Stewie the third, I might resort to violence. I might resort to physical violence. I do think perhaps I'm starting to commit felonies.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So Gemma goes into the kitchen and she finds Darcy mopping the kitchen floor. There was all this weird stuff all over the floor. Darcy says, I'm almost done cleaning it up.

[Nadira Nadir]

Does she not read? What is the issue?

[Rachel Hampton]

Nadir? Are you a morning person?

[Nadira Nadir]

I Can be from time. I'm. Let me rephrase this. It is in my nature to be a creature of the night. A night owl, if you will. But I do prefer my days when they start earlier and end earlier. So I have trained myself to be a morning person.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, I'm not a morning person. I think you know this about me. I do not wake up on the right side of the bed, ever. Never have once in my life. I need at least an hour after waking up before I can even begin to think of speaking to someone else. Gemma is the same way. And our girl has just woken up from a nap. So she can be forgiven for not being cool, calm, collected in this moment. She's like, darcy, what the fuck? Did you not read the group chat? And Darcy's like, oh, I'm on a phone detox right now. And so then Gemma explains about the roaches and the pest control, and Darcy's like, oh, well, I'm sure a few hours is enough time for it to start working. And then Darcy's like, besides, having so many chemicals around probably isn't good for us either.

[Darcy]

The chemical is you.

[Nadira Nadir]

What'S not clicking. I don't understand.

[Rachel Hampton]

Do you think a few hours is enough time for the special gel to have worked?

[Nadira Nadir]

The man with the fake job said 12, so it must be 12.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, the roaches return. The roaches do return. And Gemma just gives up on eating at home and she starts eating all of her meals at the restaurant, which she is spending a lot of time there. So she just starts spending more time there. But she also starts looking for a new room.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, well, that's. Yeah, she maybe should have done that a while ago. Like I said, I would have been.

[Rachel Hampton]

Outy, but she spent a third of her savings on pest control and only Ruth had paid her back, so it's very slow going.

[Nadira Nadir]

At what point do I turn into the cast of Set It Off?

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, around this time, a new resident is added to the apartment. Huge news. Our dowager queen Kelsey McKinney wrote a new York Times best selling book of beautiful essays about gossip.

[Darcy]

It's called you'd Didn't Hear this from me.

[Rachel Hampton]

Mostly True notes on gossip and I am obsessed.

[Darcy]

It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and West Elm, Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's so fun. And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback.

[Darcy]

And a super sexy audiobook which Kelsey narrates you can buy wherever you buy your books. You can Also go to KelseyMcKenneyBook.com to see all retailers.

[Rachel Hampton]

I don't know about y' all, but.

[Darcy]

Every summer I'm so excited to see the temperatures start rising and then they.

[Rachel Hampton]

Actually rise and then I look in my closet and then I think I don't like any of these clothes and I'm so so sweaty.

[Darcy]

Once the temperature started rising, I realized I was back in the same worn out rotation. Same tank, same shorts, same everything. So I gave my daily uniform an upgrade with Quint. Their pieces are easy, elevated and somehow make me feel more put together without even trying. Quint's has 100% European linen shorts and dresses from $30 Luxe Swimwear, Italian leather platform sandals and so much more. And the best part is everything with quince is priced 50 to 80% less than what you find at similar brands. I have this lovely Italian leather tote bag from Quince that is my summer bag. I take it literally everywhere.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's so big it carries everything I need. A huge water bottle, a snack, a.

[Darcy]

Fan for when I get hot. Treat your closet to a little summer glow up with quince. Go to quince.comgossip for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N C-E.comGossip to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.comGossip Think about a wedding that you've recently attended or been a part of and what you loved about it. Was it the food, the venue, the music? Or was it the fact that the couple seemed totally at ease both during the wedding and the wedding planning process? There's no denying that a lot of us are at an age where we're.

[Rachel Hampton]

Either thinking about getting married, just got.

[Darcy]

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[Rachel Hampton]

One day, Gemma comes home from a shift at the restaurant, and she's greeted at the door by maybe the cutest kitten she has ever seen in her entire life. And Gemma, she's just a girl, so at first she's like, oh, my God. But then she's like, oh, my God. Whose fucking cat is this?

[Nadira Nadir]

Whose cat is this?

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, just then, Darcy comes in from the kitchen. And Darcy's like, oh, you've met my familiar.

[Nadira Nadir]

When I said, get a dog.

[Rachel Hampton]

You told them to do this?

[Nadira Nadir]

I didn't mean. I didn't mean after the mayhem with the stew. I meant instead of the stew. You cannot have Stewie the Fifth.

[Rachel Hampton]

And.

[Nadira Nadir]

Uh, a cat named Merlin. This is not allowed.

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, Duncan and Darcy had decided that the vibes were off in the house and that it was because of a surplus of feminine energy.

[Nadira Nadir]

It is because of them.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's the cat. Who is indeed a boy. What do you do?

[Nadira Nadir]

What do I do about Merlin? I bang on Duncan and Darcy's door. I'm like, come out right now, or else again, I'm committing felonies. Once they get outside, I'm like, okay, listen. You already have not taken care of this apartment enough, to the point where I have wasted a third of my savings on an exterminator who did nothing, rarely, not because of his own fault this time, but because of you. And now you're telling me that you also think you can take care of a cat. And I don't think that cats really catch bugs like this, do they?

[Rachel Hampton]

They do. They're actually really good hunters. I saw my cat eat a silverfish once. I know.

[Nadira Nadir]

I regret asking. Okay, so here's what I say. I say I give you guys a week. If Merlin. I've named the cat.

[Rachel Hampton]

Merlin's his name.

[Nadira Nadir]

Now, if Merlin can take care of our roach problem, then that's fine. Y' all still owe me money, though. But if not, then I'm taking the.

[Rachel Hampton]

Cat and I'm leaving.

[Nadira Nadir]

And I'm leaving. Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Gemma starts searching even harder for new housing, and things settle into sort of an uneasy stasis. The cat, who we've named Merlin, is a very skilled hunter and does spend his evenings killing roaches. Good. Shout out to Merlin.

[Nadira Nadir]

Shout out to Merlin.

[Rachel Hampton]

Unfortunately, Merlin is not very skilled at using his litter box.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Rachel Hampton]

And he shits everywhere but his litter box. Kitchen Shit couch, shit shower, shit stairway. Shit. Every single rug in the whole apartment. Shit.

[Nadira Nadir]

At this point, can you even talk to this couple? I would leave like a thief in the night. Yeah, I would leave like a thief in the night. Sorry, Ruth.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma starts keeping her door closed at all times. Even Ruth, who was originally thrilled with Merlin in the beginning, starts to make snippy little comments in the group chat, like, darcy and Duncan weren't wrong that the vibes are bad. The constant bubbling of the stew on the stove starts to feel ominous. Gemma's bitching to her co workers one day, and one of them is like, have you tried talking to them? And Gemma's like, well, yeah, kind of.

[Nadira Nadir]

Well, yeah, kind of. Did I not say this 20 minutes ago? Don't y' all.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma's 18. She's a child.

[Nadira Nadir]

I know, and I have been thinking about that, too, but I just feel as though. I'm sorry. Gemma, my girl, if you're old enough to move I out of your hometown and to live on your own in the big city, then you're old enough to have an adult conversation with your roommates. You're also old enough to beat a bitch's ass. And I'm gonna need you to do those things one after the other.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Gemma's co worker is like, babe, you gotta talk to them at least once, like, face to face.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

It seems like you think this is good advice.

[Nadira Nadir]

I think this should have happened, but four score and seven years ago.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Jem is like, well, I've tried doing everything else, so I guess I can just talk to them. And all of her housing leads keep falling through. So one day after a shift, she, like, bucks up her courage to finally confront Darcy and Duncan about everything. The roaches that even Merlin can't keep up with the stew, and the piles of compostable shit that it creates. Merlin's literal shit. Gemma's, like, pumping herself up as she walks up the stairs, but as she gets closer to the front door of the apartment, she can hear music playing and people laughing. And when she enters the apartment, it smells like weed and incense smoke. There are five or six women in flowing linen clothes lounging around the living room. It's very clear that Darcy has company. What's also clear is that Darcy is in a very good mood. She's like, gemma, come and have a drink. Do you have a drink?

[Nadira Nadir]

No, I do not have a drink of the witch's brew. I also am wondering, did Darcy finally give in to modern medicine and start taking some SSRIs you know what's, what's. Because maybe this is a good thing.

[Rachel Hampton]

Jem is like, I can't lie, I'm a little bit charmed. She's like, this is good, actually. We'll have a good night. Will build the friendship and that will help me talk to Darcy when the time is right.

[Nadira Nadir]

No, Gemma, you have work to do, baby. You gotta lock in. In fact, round them all up, sit them in a line on the couch and say, I have a presentation for you. And it is called the Apartment that has now become Dante's 15th circle of hell. Get in line and get it done.

[Rachel Hampton]

Jim is like, this is the most non threatening way for me to get my peace back while avoiding as much conflict as possible.

[Nadira Nadir]

Unfortun, it is time to be threatening. But continue.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Gemma takes a few hits off the gravity bong. She like, sinks into the springs of the old couch. She's petting Merlin, who continues to be cute even though he shits everywhere.

[Nadira Nadir]

Many such cases.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then Gemma notices the French doors to the balcony are open. It's like a beautiful night with a gorgeous full moon. And the balcony is covered with objects of like various shapes and sizes that are glimmering in the moonlight.

[Nadira Nadir]

Some crystals. We got some crystal time and charging. Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma's like, what's going on out there? And Darcy's friend is like, we're charging our crystals in the moonlight. Gemma turns back to the crystals and starts like kind of like really looking at them. And she realizes that some of them are sort of phallic and a lot of them are more like egg shaped. And that's when the girl's like, we're planning on inserting them at midnight to align our chakras for the full beaver moon. Which is a real thing, by the way.

[Nadira Nadir]

So where in Bushwick were they?

[Rachel Hampton]

The girl starts to explain to Gemma about like, the passages of energy, but Gemma just excuses herself and flees to her room. She's like, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but I. I also don't really know how to feel about people charging their energy dildos in a shared public space.

[Nadira Nadir]

That is unusual and perhaps unkind to the people that you live with, but I'm so much cooler with that than I am with all of the other things that have taken place in this apartment thus far, because I'm not putting them in my body. You can do whatever you want. I can put power wash this balcony later. I don't care. The rest being an ongoing problem, you know? Okay, so what if the beaver moon. Is it monthly, actually. How often?

[Rachel Hampton]

It's once a year. And I believe it's the full moon that happens in November.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay, that's fine.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah, that's fine. I would retreat back to my room, though.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Yeah. We're almost at the end of our story. How are you feeling?

[Nadira Nadir]

I'm feeling. I'm feeling like we're losing. I'm feeling like the stew is still there, the roaches are still there, Merlin's shit is still there, and Gemma is also still there. And that, to me, makes me feel sad diva down. The city girls are not up right now. However, I believe. I believe that Gemma can turn it around. I believe that she can excuse herself from the situation. I also believe that karma will take care of those who need taking care of.

[Rachel Hampton]

The ultimate passage of energy is karma.

[Nadira Nadir]

And Darcy. And Duncan, too. Don't let me forget about him. Is sure in for a very welcome visit from our friend Karma.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So a week after the energy dildo experience, Gemma's in the kitchen, like, pouring cereal into Ziploc bags when she hears Rhea's voices coming from the living room. And it sounds a lot like Ruth is fighting with Darcy.

[Nadira Nadir]

Mm.

[Rachel Hampton]

Do you mind your own business?

[Nadira Nadir]

No, I jump in. I jump in. Realistically, in my personal timeline, in my world, I would have. It would have gotten to fisticuffs so much earlier.

[Rachel Hampton]

Like, we would have been fighting by now.

[Nadira Nadir]

I would have been like, hey, Ruth, need some help?

[Rachel Hampton]

Let me join. Gemma does not mind her business either, but she doesn't get involved. She just goes, like, really still and quiet, so she can listen. And she hears Ruth saying, look, I'm not telling you what to do with your body, but I have been covering you and Dunkin's side of the gas bill for the past two months. And we all know who is using the stove the most.

[Nadira Nadir]

I would just like to say that I'm an immaculate storyteller, because the way I asked this question 15 hours ago, and I'm so happy to finally get an answer, they are in an apartment with gas, and that bill is high. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That would have been an issue for me. That would have been an issue for me.

[Rachel Hampton]

Darcy's like, you offered to help me. You said it wasn't a problem. And Ruth's like, it wasn't a problem, but it is now. If you need me to help cover your dumb decisions, then, yeah, of course I have a problem with it. And Darcy's like, I thought we were friends. You said, I Didn't need to explain. Ruth is like, it's not like you don't have a job. Why haven't you paid me back? And Darcy's like, I don't know. I just never have money left. I don't know where it goes.

[Nadira Nadir]

Well, you better find out.

[Rachel Hampton]

Gemma hears Ruth just, like, deeply sigh and then roots like Darcy. Has it not occurred to you that it might be expensive to have to go to urgent care for food poisoning? Seven times.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, my. So she hasn't embraced modern medicine. Darcy, you're killing yourself, girl. No. This feels like. Molly, you in danger, girl? Darcy, no. On one hand, this is what you get for being foolish. You know, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. On the other hand, what is her job? How much thinking does it require?

[Rachel Hampton]

Those are good questions that I can't answer right now, but I do have questions for you, which is, have you ever heard of the Danger zone? Not the Kenny Loggins song.

[Nadira Nadir]

I was about to say the Kenny Loggin zone.

[Rachel Hampton]

Temperature. Danger zone.

[Nadira Nadir]

You know, I did get my food safety certification, but this was years ago, and so I don't. Another lore drop. So I don't.

[Rachel Hampton]

My jaw just dropped.

[Nadira Nadir]

I don't. I don't remember.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's okay. I did some food safety research because quite honestly, the whole concept of a perpetual stew seems like a biohazard to me, personally. I spent some time in the perpetual stew subreddit. It's. You might say I've had to really simmer in this knowledge for a while.

[Nadira Nadir]

I will let that one go because so many other upsetting things have happened in this conversation. You are lucky.

[Rachel Hampton]

So the thing is, perpetual stews can be kept safely. You just have to be so. So careful about the temperature. Like, bacteria grows most rapidly between 40 degrees and 140 degrees Fahrenheit. That's a danger zone. The safest way to ensure a safe stew doesn't become a breeding ground for bacteria, it's actually to keep it in a slow cooker because then it keeps the temperature even.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, that makes sense.

[Rachel Hampton]

Another important thing about keeping the temperature even is that you have to be very, very careful about keeping enough liquid in the perpetual stew. And the best way to do that is by not leaving a ton of starches in it, like beans or potatoes or rice, because they can make it hard to keep the entire thing, like, heated properly.

[Nadira Nadir]

Makes sense.

[Rachel Hampton]

Do you think Darcy and Duncan were doing any of these things?

[Nadira Nadir]

No, I don't think Ms. Phone detox has ever looked up a detail about this perpetual stew in her life. I think she was like, stew perpetual me. Sounds great.

[Rachel Hampton]

I got it. Gas fire, right?

[Nadira Nadir]

Gas fire. Gas bill I don't have to pay for. Sounds great. No, they definitely have not looked this up. And I am not surprised at this development.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, so apparently Darcy and Duncan had taken turns over the past year getting violently food poisoned and getting so dehydrated that they had to go to urgent care to get fluids. And because Gemma was working so much, she hadn't really noticed that they'd been in and out. But as she's standing in the living room, she's like, wait, is that why the bathroom was always occupied? I just thought someone had ibs.

[Nadira Nadir]

Damn.

[Rachel Hampton]

Meanwhile, Darcy is like, it's not the stew's fault. And Duncan finally chimes in like, yeah, we've been adding more ginger and turmeric to it, so it's actually healing us.

[Nadira Nadir]

You know when you get to a point in life or a story where you just accept the biblical conclusions that come for people and you're just kind of like, it's beyond me now. It's beyond me now. It's above me now. I can no longer help you go with God or whatever deity it is that you worship and sayonara. So long.

[Rachel Hampton]

You and Gemma both reached your breaking point at the same time. Because Gemma is like, I have heard enough.

[Nadira Nadir]

I mean, correction, I reached my breaking point as soon as the cockroaches showed up.

[Rachel Hampton]

No, you're right.

[Nadira Nadir]

But yes, continue.

[Rachel Hampton]

Jimba just leaves and she goes up to her room. Her bedroom door is open. And as soon as she steps inside, she's immediately hit with a familiar sight and smell.

[Nadira Nadir]

Merlin's shit.

[Rachel Hampton]

A fat pile of fresh cat shit in the middle of her bed.

[Nadira Nadir]

What is beyond a felony?

[Rachel Hampton]

What? International Criminal Court.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yeah, the icc.

[Rachel Hampton]

Let's get the Hague involved.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yep. I would be committing crimes that involved an international governing body at this point.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. This is the final straw for Gemma. By the end of the month, Gemma manages to find a new room in her coworker's apartment and she moves the fuck out.

[Nadira Nadir]

Good, good. This is like, you know in those movies when someone's telling a really dramatic story and they light their cigarette and they're like, it was a crazy. It was a crazy few years.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then it like flashes back in 72 years.

[Nadira Nadir]

Yes, this is that. This is what I'm imagining.

[Rachel Hampton]

Will you ever look at a broth based meal the same way ever again?

[Nadira Nadir]

No. No, I won't. I was pet sitting for a friend once and they like many apartments in Brooklyn, they Had a roach issue. I was like, okay, as long as I don't go into the kitchen at night, it's fine. They had a sort of old school tea kettle. I went to go fill it up to make myself some tea, and there were dead roaches floating in the. No, no, no. And to this day, I have only ever been able to use the clear electric tea kettles for this reason. And now pots of stew for me are going to be like this electric tea kettle.

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh, my God. Are you saying that we gave you trauma? That's a new one. The normal gossip promise is updated.

[Nadira Nadir]

And I'm so happy that you're so happy about it. I'm so happy to give you this gift.

[Rachel Hampton]

I do have one final update for you, though.

[Nadira Nadir]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

After Gemma's all settled into her new apartment, she throws a housewarming party. And a few people at her housewarming party know both her and Ruth. And one of the girls pulls Gemma aside and is like, you are so lucky to have gotten out of the house when you did. Apparently, one weekend while Ruth was out of town, Darcy had decided to sage the entire apartment because the bad energies, you know, she decided to do this high. So it's unclear if it was the sage or the joint that lit the fire. What we do know is that Darcy took a nap and woke up to the living room engulfed in flames. No one was harmed. There wasn't any structural damage, but the fire department had to be called to put the fire out. And most of Darcy and Duncan's belongings were drenched. And all of the water soaked through to the plant shop on the ground level, which caused a massive loss of inventory.

[Nadira Nadir]

No. That's so sad. For the plant shop, that is, however, the biblical karma I spoke of. That hit Duncan and Darcy. But no, not the cute plant shop. That was the only thing going for this apartment.

[Rachel Hampton]

The owner of the shop immediately hired a lawyer to make the tenants pay up. But luckily, Ruth and Gemma were never actually on the lease, so they're in the clear. Meanwhile, Darcy and Duncan just disappear in the night like no one knows where they went. They left behind Merlin the cat.

[Nadira Nadir]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Hampton]

But even though his plans had been ruined, the owner of the plant shop took pity on Merlin. So now Merlin is living his best life in the backyard of the plant shop.

[Nadira Nadir]

Is it bad of me that I'm kind of impressed with how they disappeared into the night?

[Rachel Hampton]

No, I think that's fair. I think that's what the phone detox led towards.

[Nadira Nadir]

You're right.

[Rachel Hampton]

Going off the grid can you disappear like that. People who didn't disappear are Ruth, who after this entire experience, decided to pack up all of her stuff and become a digital nomad. She said, no more leases for me. I'm happy for her.

[Nadira Nadir]

The best part about being a digital nomad is that you don't have to deal with roommates.

[Rachel Hampton]

And that's Ruth.

[Nadira Nadir]

Ruth also got up.

[Rachel Hampton]

She said, never again. Nadira. That's the end of our story.

[Nadira Nadir]

I feel like I've walked through fire. I feel like I've come out on the other side not a better person.

[Rachel Hampton]

But certainly changed.

[Nadira Nadir]

But certainly changed. But I also feel as though we've gone through something together. And so I I want to thank you for telling me this story that I will never forget. That truly when I close my eyes will haunt me at night. And maybe when I'm 55, I will tell my children about that time that I was on a podcast hosted by one of my friends and they scared the living daylight so much so out of me that we haven't had soup, me and my children, for the past 20 years. Wow.

[Rachel Hampton]

Normal Gossip Inspiring generational curses.

[Nadira Nadir]

Generational trauma. Generational curses.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nadira, thank you so much. You've given me new bars to aspire to.

[Nadira Nadir]

Thank you, thank you. That's all I can hope for as we've established. You've also given me something I don't know if I will thank you for it.

[Rachel Hampton]

Something you'll never forget.

[Nadira Nadir]

Something I will never forget.

[Rachel Hampton]

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us@normal normalgossipefector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a [e-mail] you can follow the show on Instagram and tick tock at normalgossip. You can follow me on all social media at Heydanae. H E Y Y D N A E this podcast was produced by Sierra Sprague Ricks and J Tol Vieira. Thank you to Samantha Gatsick, our audio engineer and thank you to Danielle Hewitt for your additional production help this season. The co creators and dowager queens Normal Gossip are Alex Dujong Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defectors project editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors business guys. Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defectors supervising producer. Tom Ley is our editor in chief. Dam mcquais runs our merch store which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art. Thank you to Katherine Chu, Brandi Jensen, Louise Paez, Pumar, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wang, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford and Ray Rato for all your help on this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned, subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And remember, you didn't hear this from me.

[Nadira Nadir]

Radiotopia from prx.