Emotional Support Fruits with Samantha Irby

Summary

Podcast Summary: Normal Gossip - "Emotional Support Fruits with Samantha Irby"

Host and Guest Overview In this engaging episode of Normal Gossip, hosted by Kelsey McKinney, the spotlight shines on guest Samantha Irby, a celebrated writer known for her witty and relatable content. Samantha brings her unique perspective to the discussion, delving into an amusing yet insightful story about relationships, fears, and the unexpected chaos of everyday life.

Main Story: The Sugar Glider Saga

Characters Introduction

Eli and Thomas, a couple residing on the West Coast, are the central figures in today's gossip tale. Eli, portrayed as the "brave one," deeply loves his boyfriend Thomas, who is characterized by his numerous fears, ranging from insects and heights to social anxiety.

Kelsey's Announcement and Story Setup ([01:46]-[03:02])

Kelsey kicks off the episode by announcing her upcoming book tour for Mostly True Notes on Gossip, setting the stage for the collaborative storytelling ahead. She then warmly welcomes Samantha Irby back to the show, referencing Samantha's previous appearance to establish rapport.

The Incident ([11:21]-[22:26])

During a Pride Month backyard barbecue under a full moon, Thomas decides to host a gathering. Despite his anxiety, Kelsey helps Eli prepare to ensure Thomas feels comfortable. The event starts smoothly until an unidentified creature descends from a tree, landing amidst the festivities. Eli, grappling with a deep-seated fear of bats—a residual fear from childhood nightmares influenced by the animated movie Anastasia—is immediately terrified.

Notable Quote:

Samantha Irby [03:56]: "Yes, I love it too."

Introducing the Sugar Glider ([37:09]-[43:09])

The mysterious creature is identified through a friend's knowledge as a sugar glider, a small nocturnal marsupial native to Australia. While Thomas is unfazed and enchanted by the sugar glider, naming her Bon Bon, Eli's fear escalates as the situation spirals out of control. Bon Bon, being a wild animal, behaves unpredictably, causing Eli immense distress.

Community Reaction and Online Hunt ([43:09]-[58:22])

Desperate to find Bon Bon's owner, Eli and Thomas turn to social media platforms like Facebook and their neighborhood listserv. Their attempts are met with an overwhelming and often unhelpful response from a vast online community of 75,000 members. The flood of comments ranges from overly enthusiastic to invasive, leaving Eli feeling "canceled" due to the intense scrutiny and pressure from strangers.

Notable Quote:

Samantha Irby [22:26]: "You are so lucky that Tap to Pay exists."

Climactic Resolution ([58:22]-[67:14])

After enduring a night filled with anxiety and nightmares, the couple finally connects with Haley, the rightful owner of Bon Bon. Upon meeting, Eli realizes that the sugar glider is indeed Puka, matching the characteristics from his traumatic childhood memories. The episode concludes with Eli and Thomas feeling a mix of relief and residual anxiety as they part ways with Bon Bon, marking the end of their chaotic ordeal.

Insights and Discussions

Throughout the episode, Samantha Irby provides candid and humorous commentary on dealing with irrational fears and the complications that arise in relationships when unexpected challenges surface. The story aptly highlights how past traumas can resurface in unpredictable ways, impacting one's ability to handle new situations. Additionally, the narrative underscores the pitfalls of relying heavily on large online communities for sensitive matters, illustrating how well-intentioned efforts can sometimes lead to further complications.

Notable Quote:

Samantha Irby [67:24]: "Radiotopia from PRX."

Conclusion

Normal Gossip masterfully blends humor with real-life dilemmas, offering listeners both entertainment and relatable content. Through Eli and Thomas's sugar glider saga, the podcast explores themes of fear, love, and the complexities of modern communication. Samantha Irby's insightful contributions enrich the narrative, making this episode a memorable and thought-provoking listen for both regular fans and newcomers alike.

Key Takeaways:

• Navigating Fears in Relationships: Understanding and supporting a partner's fears can strengthen bonds but may also present unique challenges.
• The Double-Edged Sword of Social Media: While online platforms can aid in problem-solving, they can also amplify stress and invade privacy.
• Dealing with Unexpected Situations: Flexibility and empathy are crucial when unforeseen events disrupt daily life.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Samantha Irby [03:56]: "Yes, I love it too."
• Samantha Irby [22:26]: "You are so lucky that Tap to Pay exists."
• Samantha Irby [67:24]: "Radiotopia from PRX."

This episode of Normal Gossip not only delivers the juicy details of an unusual gossip story but also offers deeper reflections on human behavior and relationships, all while maintaining a lighthearted and humorous tone.

Transcript

[Alex Sujong Laughlin]

Hey there, it's Alex. You may have heard at the end of our episodes the phrase Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia, but maybe you don't know what that means. The media industry is kind of garbage right now, and it is harder than ever for independent creatives to own their own work, get paid for their work, and to make a living off of their work. Radiotopia is trying to make that possible for more independent creators. They're really great partners for us and we have been so happy to work with them. Every year, Radiotopia does a fundraising drive and right now we have a goal of reaching 2024 donors and maybe one of them is you. Your donations in the fall fundraiser go into marketing, ad sales, technology, and it also makes it possible to bring on new shows in the future. So maybe your next favorite podcast is just around the corner. If you are a Normal Gossip or Defector subscriber, that is different. If you donate during the fall fundraiser, you'll get a link to a curated list of all Radiotopia producers favorite things. As a token of thanks, I included something in there. You will never guess what it is. If you're listening to this episode right now, you are already supporting the work of Normal Gossip, Defector Media and Radiotopia. But if you want to take that one step further, donate to the Radiotopia Fall FundRaiser, visit Radiotopia FM, donate to learn more and add your name to the list of awesome listeners who support independent podcasts. Thanks.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today I have a very exciting little announcement from me. I am going to go on book tour. My book about gossip. You didn't hear this from me. Mostly True Notes on Gossip comes out February 11, 2025 and I'm going to be hitting a bunch of cities with a sexy new show that I promise will not be boring. I'm going to tell a gossip story. We're going to break down how we talk about gossip and I'm going to have exciting guests and who knows what else. You can get tickets right now@kelsey mckinney book.com and I cannot wait to see all of you in the new. Okay, enough business. Please welcome back to the show Samantha Irby. Samantha Irby is a writer whose work you can find on the Internet. She's the bestselling author of many books and you can find her posting good memes on Instagram at bitches. Gotta eat. Sam, welcome back to the show.

[Samantha Irby]

Hi, Kelsey. I'm so excited to be here. I can't wait to hear somebody's anonymous business.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm so happy you're here. If you're a fan of the podcast, you probably remember Sam from Righteous Lesbian Energy, Season three, Episode one Thrilling tbt.

[Samantha Irby]

You know, there are some people who are turning this off right now. They're like, her, get me out of here again. Click.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm so excited you're here because the two of us are yappers. We love to yap.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sam, since the last time you were here, has anything changed about your relationship.

[Samantha Irby]

With gossip other than not having enough of it? No. I will say there is a thing about getting older. Like, I'm 44, where I get worried, right? Like, someone tells me, like, you know, she did. She went on a date with this guy who. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, my God, is it okay? Was he okay? Was she okay? And it's like, I can't revel in the mess because I'm busy, like, trying to scrounge up bail money or something.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're sympathizing too much.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, yes, yes. Like, my feelings are hurt. I'm, like, too old to hear gossip about people I know, but I do love, like, celebrity gossip. Like, I just. It doesn't have to be true. It doesn't have to be right. I don't need to tell anyone about it. I just love to hear what people are talking about.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Is it that the celebrities are, like, far enough removed from you that you don't have to feel worried about them?

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. And they have, like, the money to fix the problem.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right? It's like, oh, something bad happened to you. Higher Crisis pr.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, yes. Like, everybody was talking about that, like, guy who shit at Gwyneth Paltrow's house. Have you heard that? You heard that?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. I love it. I'm obsessed with.

[Samantha Irby]

I love it too.

[Kelsey McKinney]

For people who may or may not have been paying attention. Can you recap that drama really quick?

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, yeah. So as far as I understand it, this could be wrong, everyone. I am not.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And that is how celebrity gossip works.

[Samantha Irby]

I am not the news. She lent her friend her beautiful, like, Montecito Oprah kind of house, and he had a poop accident. And, like, what I heard was, it was up the walls and, you know, dripping from the ceiling fan and on every fixture. And then he just kind of snuck out of the house and left the mess behind. And then Gwyneth Who? I love her. I mean, I love that bitch. She, upon being notified by her staff, then, like, started telling other celebrities and the story got passed around. He's. He's rich. He's fine. He could deal with it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Samantha Irby]

But if it was like, you or me, I would be, like, in tears, like, oh, my God, we got to smuggle Kelsey out of the country.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And I appreciate that you would be willing to do that to put me into the weird underbelly of a ship and get me out of here.

[Samantha Irby]

I would.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Speaking of stories, I was told that you brought a gossip for me. Is that true?

[Samantha Irby]

I do have a non celebrity gossip. Should I say who it is or should I anonymize?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I think you should anonymize. Safety first.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. A person.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Great, incredible foundation.

[Samantha Irby]

A sibling on 23andMe. They'd been on 23andMe for forever and, like, nothing had come up. You know, like, you know, a great, great, great, great, great aunt here, like, just like super distant relatives. And then they recently were notified of a sibling in the same town.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No.

[Samantha Irby]

So they reached out and contacted that sibling, which to me, I would never. I just would be like, it's interesting to know that my father has other children. You know, I'd be like, that's a. That's a layer to him that I didn't know about. But this person didn't have a relationship with the father. So this sibling was like a bridge to the father.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Samantha Irby]

They reached out, made contact, had conversation, and, like, the sibling was really receptive.

[Kelsey McKinney]

That's wild.

[Samantha Irby]

So they, like, developed a rapport with the sibling and like a relationship. And then the sibling says, we are having a family reunion. Who would you like to come?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I. This is incredible to me because it's like, technically, yes, this person is your family. Like, you're having a family reunion. Technically, but not really. So in some ways you're like, I've brought a live bomb to the family reunion.

[Samantha Irby]

And it was going to be a surprise. No, it was presented like, hey, I'm not going to tell anybody, but what if I bring you as my guest and you're just like, hey, new sibling alert.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No. In my opinion, no.

[Samantha Irby]

Also, I forgot this bit of texture. These people are above the age of 50. Oh, yes. So you're bringing, like, many, many years worth of baggage and hurt feelings and slights. And so the reunion has not happened yet, but they're going.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This is one of my favorite things to do is like, have you ever been to a wedding where you don't really Know that many people, but you have someone who can, like, tell you everything. Like, this uncle has this aunt does.

[Samantha Irby]

That, who they sleep with.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. I'm like, I love that. Right. Like, I'm like, I love to learn every bit of a family dynamic in, like, one sitting.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But I don't love the idea of doing that with a family that's technically mine. Right. Like, okay, so I'm forced to now learn all of these things about these people who are related to me. Question mark, Right. Like, that's very concerning.

[Samantha Irby]

What if the father didn't know, like, you don't know any of the circumstances surrounding, like, why you didn't have a relationship with him and why he sired a huge family that's having a family reunion that you're not a part of. Why find all that out?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Is the father still alive?

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, my God.

[Samantha Irby]

I think it is so bad. But also, there's a part of me that's like, can I go?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, I'm willing to go. Like, if this person needs a date, I'm available to go to this reunion because it seems funny.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. I'm like, what kind of food will they be having? Because. Okay, okay. I've derailed us long enough.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you want to hear the story that I have for you?

[Samantha Irby]

I absolutely would.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Normal Gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, price and coverage match, limited by state law. Not available in all states. Okay, so our friend of a friend today, we're going to call him Eli.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli lives on the west coast in a big city with his boyfriend Thomas. They've been dating for, like, three years. They live together. Eli loves Thomas so much. They're like two best friends who get to kiss. Right. But one thing he doesn't love about Thomas is that he is so afraid. Thomas is like the cowardly lion.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. This is very relatable to me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Here's some things Thomas is afraid of. Thomas is afraid of bugs. He's afraid of thumps in the night. He's afraid of deer. He's afraid of going upstairs because what if he falls? He's afraid of making a fool of himself. He's afraid of big bodies of water. He's afraid of any movie that, like, has a scary soundtrack. And he's afraid of tall martini glasses because he doesn't want to spill Them.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. I'm not afraid of that many things. But again, I see his point.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Deep down, Eli is like, I do kind of like this about Thomas, too, right? Like, I love him so much that I love that he's a big scaredy cat. Because, like, then I get to be, like, the big, brave, strong one. Like, I like making my boyfriend feel good and safe. Which. Which of these men do you feel more like?

[Samantha Irby]

I am definitely the Thomas. I definitely want to be saved from everything all the time.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Our story takes place in June. It's Pride Month. It's hot out. People are out. It's also a full moon, so people are going. They're wilding out, right? It's like, we're having fun. Everything's great. And Thomas decides. He's like, I want to have, like, a little backyard barbecue. I want to invite our friends over. I want people to, like, eat hamburgers outside.

[Samantha Irby]

Love that.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Very Americana.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Eli is like, I love this idea. Great idea. But in the back of his head, he's like, I also love Thomas, and I am, like, a little concerned about him because I know that he is an anxious guy.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah, right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He's worried about bugs. He has light social anxiety. So he's like, even though this whole day is Thomas's idea, I'm going to try and set him up for success.

[Samantha Irby]

That's very nice.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's so nice. He gets bug spray. He gets a citronella candle. He, like, makes sure Thomas's favorite shirt is clean. He invites over, like, their favorite friends early so that, like, they'll. Everyone will be feeling good. And this works great. Thomas is feeling great. Eli's feeling great. Their friends are feeling great. All of the anti bug propaganda machines are in full force.

[Samantha Irby]

Perfect.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is grilling burgers. People are gossiping. People are milling about. The sun is starting to go down. So people are, like, sitting to eat when one of their friends points up to a tree and is like, what's that? And Eli looks up. What?

[Samantha Irby]

I'm just, like, braced for whatever it is.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli looks up, and there's a shadow in the tree. It's not a big shadow. It's a little small to be a squirrel, but it's hopping from branch to branch. So it's not a mouse, right? And he's like, what is that? And as they're all looking at this little thing, it begins to come down. No, from the tree. It's flying kind of. It's like more like drifting. Falling.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. Oh, no. Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Eli looks over at Thomas, and Thomas Is panicking.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas stands up and Eli is like, I'm so brave that even though I do am a little afraid of this, I'm gonna put myself between Thomas and this drifting.

[Samantha Irby]

That is so. That is. That's love. That's true love.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He watches the shadow, like, drift down. People scatter. And then this thing lands on the table. And Eli feels like, you know when you get really scared and the terror, like, starts in your stomach, he's like that. He's like, should I run?

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He's like, this thing is sitting on the table next to my beautiful tomato salad. And this is very bad because I'm super afraid. And I'm supposed to be the not afraid one.

[Samantha Irby]

Where's Thomas? Like, crouched under the grill.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like behind him, like, peeking over his shoulder. And he's like. He's like, what is it? I'm going to show you a photo now.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This is what's sitting on the table.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, no.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Can you describe what you're seeing?

[Samantha Irby]

It is a pale faced, bug eyed creature with a bright red nose and like rodenty kind of hands. And by hands, I mean claws. Sorry. It's small, but it's got kind of a chunky tail. I mean, it's in the abstract. It's very cute. It's got like, little stripes on its head. It looks very cute. But if one fell anywhere near me, I would have a heart attack.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you know what this is?

[Samantha Irby]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli and Thomas also do not know what this is. They're like, what is that?

[Samantha Irby]

I almost like, they're in America, right? Yes, I almost said. Are they in Australia? Okay, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Why did you ask if they're in Australia?

[Samantha Irby]

Because it looks like an Australian kind of thing. I'm profiling.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, so your instinct is right.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

There's like one girl at this party who is like, you know, there's like girls that are like creature girls. And they like, know every creature that exists. And this girl is like, oh, my God. It's a sugar glider.

[Samantha Irby]

A what?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sugar gliders are like, literally related to possums. But they can like, fly kind of like, they can like stretch out their legs and then they can glide around.

[Samantha Irby]

Absolutely not.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They have these like, huge dark eyes, insect, like I think you said. And no one at this party has ever seen one because they are, in fact native to Australia.

[Samantha Irby]

I'm terrified for where this is gonna go.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli and Thomas are like, gnar. Like, we don't live in Australia.

[Samantha Irby]

Nar, mate. Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And their friend is like, well, it must be someone's pet. Like, they don't live here. And Eli is like, really? Like, people keep this in their house. It's like. It's like a bat.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah, that's what I thought it might be at first. Like, before I saw the picture, I was like, is it a dying bat?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is also, like, so afraid, which is creating, like, a personal crisis, because he's like, I'm the brave one. And to add insult to injury, Thomas is not afraid of this thing. Thomas magically is like, oh, my God, look at her. He, like, steps forward. He picks the sugar glider up, he puts it on his shoulder, and it, like, nuzzles into his neck.

[Samantha Irby]

What? Okay, not to be this guy, but I worked in an Animal Hospital for 15 years. Don't touch somebody's wild pet. They can bite you. You can get things. You do not want to have to do a rabies protocol. It's very painful.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, she's someone's pet. Like, it's fine. She's socialized. He has this little sugar glider on his shoulder. Everyone at this party, now that the sugar glider has been removed from the table and is appearing to be nice, is now happy. They're all like, oh, my God, it's so cute, right? They're, like, taking photos. They're posting to Instagram stories. Everyone's expecting that at some point the sugar glider will leave, but it does not. Their friends start leaving. It's, like, starting to get dark. There's, like, no one left. And Thomas turns to Eli and is like, I think we should take her inside for the night. You're Eli. You are scared of this thing.

[Samantha Irby]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're like, I don't know what sugar gliders are. What. What do you do here?

[Samantha Irby]

First, I'd want to be encouraging, so I'd say something positive, like, wow, I can't believe that a dude who can't hold a martini glass can cuddle a sugar glider. I'm so proud of you. That's beautiful. And then I would call animal control. You know, all you hear about is, like, invasive species and disease.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This.

[Samantha Irby]

I don't want to be the person who, like, brought disease to the West Coast.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I love that you're thinking, like, really practically, like, how could this impact the environment? What is the sugar glider doing? Eli is thinking, like, intense fear. He is not thinking. He's like, I love that you're being like that. You love the sugar glider, but, like, to me, this feels like bringing a squirrel into our house.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, yes, that part. A Wild, unpredictable animal that you are not familiar with should not be in your home.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The sugar glider is, like, looking up very angelically, right? Like, it's so cozy in Thomas's neck.

[Samantha Irby]

And now we're about to have, like, Covid 3 or whatever from this.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, well, can we just bring it in while we figure out what to do with it? And Eli's like, you know what? Whatever. Sure. So Thomas comes inside. The sugar glider is still on his shoulder. He's, like, doing dishes.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, no.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, you know what? Now that the sugar glider is inside, I actually regret agreeing that it could come in here. I think we should let it back outside. It's wild and it doesn't belong here. Eli is, like, panicking. He's freaking out, and Thomas is like, is there, like, something else wrong, Sam? Are you irrationally afraid of anything?

[Samantha Irby]

I have one huge irrational fear that has followed me into adulthood. And, like, I could cry thinking about it. I haven't even written about it, I don't think, because it bothers me so much. So I'm telling the world my big secret, and I can't. It's inexplicable other than, like, it has something to do with the ocd. But I cannot handle loose change. Oh, I can't see it. I can't hear it jingling. I can't know that there is, like, loose change in the house. This is where everyone's like, oh, this person is insane.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You are so lucky that Tap to Pay exists.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. The digital revolution has really, like, has cured you. Let me. Okay, let me tell you a very quick, just to show you the magnitude of the fear. I was going through a toll once.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, no.

[Samantha Irby]

When I go to Chicago, I take the Skyway. It costs a billion dollars, but it's worth it. And it's vast. I once was going through a $20 toll, and this was before the machine took cards and I only had a $20 bill.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, no, no, no.

[Samantha Irby]

And I put the 20 in, and the machine started shooting change at me, and I drove the fuck off. I left $18 worth of quarters in the machine because I couldn't touch it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

That makes sense to me. The thing about childhood fears is they're not rational.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah, right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, you develop some fear, and then it's just here. Yeah, right. Like, for me, I saw the movie E.T. too Young. So now I'm afraid of it. I'm like, I'm afraid of aliens. I don't like that. Right. Like, that's not for me.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Alex. For example, told me that she was afraid of Abraham Lincoln's ghost because she, like, once heard a story about the Lincoln bedroom and was like, oh, boy, is going to get me.

[Samantha Irby]

See, those are at least interesting fears. Mine is like, like, are you dumb? Like, what's wrong with you?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, but Alex and I are also unlikely to encounter aliens and Abraham Lincoln.

[Samantha Irby]

No, that's true.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So you're in bigger trouble.

[Samantha Irby]

And I have worked in retail, so.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, my gosh. You're braver than the truth.

[Samantha Irby]

Nightmare. Nightmare. Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

For Eli, this childhood fear is very specific. Do you remember the 1997 animated movie Anastasia?

[Samantha Irby]

I think so.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. In case you've forgotten, Anastasia came out in the weird era where every other company was competing with, like, Disney movies to create animated movies. It is a movie about the Romanovs, which is hilarious. Like, who made this movie for children. About, like, a very violent Russian history event.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Anastasia is running away from Rasputin, who's trying to kill her and her whole family.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And in the movie, she hits her head, develops amnesia, and then is living in an orphanage.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, I certainly did not see this movie, but this sounds very familiar to me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The point of the movie is that Rasputin wants Anastasia dead, but Rasputin is also dead because in the movie he, like, falls through ice or something.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And he has a little pal who is a bat named Bartok.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Who I will show you a photo of, please.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Can you describe what you're seeing here?

[Samantha Irby]

I mean, frankly, he's adorable. He is a cream colored bat with big ears, big pink ears, enormous eyes, and a little, like, snout and tiny little teeth. I mean, he looks adorable and he looks very similar to the sugar glider that you showed me before.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So there is one scene in Anastasia where Bartok gets, like, drug into purgatory to meet the dead rescue.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. This is a movie for children.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And this scared Eli. He hated it. So for years he had nightmares about Bartok. He was like, Bartok was like the villain in all of his dreams. And he was, like, pulled through dream purgatory his whole childhood.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. His skeleton probably jumped out of his body. Seeing the physical manifestation of his nightmares fall out of the sky onto his patio furniture. Like, get out of here.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So this is the explanation for why Eli is so afraid. Despite Eli being like the brave one as an adult, his fear of Bartok transitioned into just a fear of all bats.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. Yep.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Because when he was a teen, he found out that bats can carry rabies and that Even if you wake up in the same room as a bat and there is a chance it has bitten. Yeah, you have to go through the whole rabies protocol, which is, like, four shots in two weeks, to make sure you don't go Old Yeller mode.

[Samantha Irby]

Old Yeller mode, you idiot.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thank you. Thank you so much. So Eli is like, I've decided that even though this started as an irrational childhood fear, I actually think it's justified. I think I'm right.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah, he is.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Thomas obviously knows that Eli is afraid of bats, right? This is something they've discussed. It's his one fear. But Thomas did not consider that, like, the sugar glider doesn't really look like a bat, but it does look like Bartok, which is the root of the fear.

[Samantha Irby]

I feel like if you're a scaredy cat, as am I, you should be even more sensitive to other people's fears. Because, like, if your man is running around clearing every martini glass out of the way and, like, carrying you upstairs because you're afraid, you don't think you could, like, be like, no, I get it, brother. Like, this is crazy to me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

A complicating factor here is that Thomas is, like, kind of like a Disney princess, okay? In that, like, all animals love him, and he, like, loves animals, and so he's like, this is, like, my dream, right? The, like, sugar glider has appeared out of the air. It's nestled in my little nook. I can be its savior.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, Thomas. I mean, I get it. I get it. Snow White. Like, he wants to train it to make his bed.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. It can glide. It could bring you stuff. Eli is like, thomas, here's the thing. I'm afraid of the sugar glider because it looks like bar, talk to me. And Thomas, like, looks at the sugar glider, and he's like, oh, no. Like, I can. I can see that. I see that you're afraid. Like, I'm so sorry. I don't want you to feel that way. But also, this is not a bat. It's not a bat. Like, let's look at it a little closer. It's soft. He's like, look how cozy the sugar glider is. Eli's like, I get it, but I want it out of my house. And Thomas is like, yes, I also want it to go home. He's like, but we cannot just put her back outside like, she's just a baby. And Eli's like, you don't know that she's just a baby. And Thomas is like, yes, I do. She's a baby. And Eli's like, you don't even know that she's a girl. Like, you don't know anything about her. She's a stranger who you've let into our house who is potentially disease ridden.

[Samantha Irby]

Correct.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Thomas is like, look, I get it, man. But, like, I don't know what else to do.

[Samantha Irby]

You go outside with her, then you both sleep outside. How about that?

[Kelsey McKinney]

At this point, our boys are like, let's call the animal shelter. They call the animal shelter. They're like, we have discovered a sugar glider. It's at our house. What do we do? And the shelter is like, man, we are way over capacity. Like, we have a gajillion dogs. We have no one to work here. This is not our problem. Like, we can't help you. And Eli is like, okay, well, what do you, like, recommend I do? And they're like, well, if you're like, sure, it's a pet, there's like a semi official lost and found pets Facebook group. Oh, that you can post to.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, the magic words Facebook group. I'm ready.

[Kelsey McKinney]

We know what happens when you go to Facebook on this show. You can't go there. Never go to Facebook.

[Samantha Irby]

No. Just let them sugar glider poison you before you. Before you turn to Facebook.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Pick your dangerous wild animal Facebook group or sugar glider.

[Samantha Irby]

I'll take my chances with the sugar glider.

[Miranda]

Despite wearing a hat every single day all summer long, I do have the skin of a Victorian ghost. Which means that if the sun even finds one little spot of skin that has not had sunscreen applied in the last, like, one hour, it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It destroys it.

[Miranda]

And so, you know, after a summer trying to avoid the sun, I still ended up with a little, tiny dark spot on my cheek, which is so annoying. But, you know, skin changes over time, and it can be so overwhelming to figure out the right products for your skin. Which is why we're excited to partner with Apostrophe, the sponsor of this episode. Apostrophe's goal is to help you feel confident in your own skin. Whether you're dealing with breakouts, signs of aging, or acne scarring, Apostrophe will help you love the skin you're in. Apostrophe is an online platform that connects you with an expert dermatology team to get customized acne treatment for your unique skin. Through Apostrophe, you can get access to oral and topical medications that use clinically proven ingredients. To help clear acne, simply fill out an online consultation about your skin goals and medical history. Then snap a few selfies and a dermatology provider will create a customized treatment plan just for you. Apostrophe offers access to prescription treatments for all types of acne, from hormonal acne to facial acne and even back, chest and butt acne treat breakouts from head to toe. I famously have only one skincare goal and it's to make all of my pores disappear and look like a beautiful little doll. And that is extremely hard to achieve by yourself with just like drugstore products. So that's why I love working with Apostrophe, because you know you have access to an expert derm team and they make you a tailored treatment plan and then all of it just shows up at your house and you don't have to wait in line at the pharmacy. We have a special deal for our audience. Get your first visit for only $5 at apostrophe.com gossip when you use our code Gossip, that's a savings of $15. This code is only available to our listeners. To get started, just go to apostrophe.com gossip and click get Started. Then use our code gossip at signup and you'll get your first Visit for only $5. Thank you apostrophe for sponsoring this episode.

[Alex Sujong Laughlin]

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[Kelsey McKinney]

So they go to that group. It's like city colon, Lost and found pets, right? This group has 75,000 members.

[Samantha Irby]

If you click on something and you see 75,000 other people are there, just click off. That's never going to be good.

[Kelsey McKinney]

There's nothing you could say on a stage to 75,000 people that would not ruin your life.

[Samantha Irby]

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They do not care. Eli is like, I want this out of my house. He takes a cute photo of the sugar glider, like, right next to Thomas face. Thomas and the sugar glider look happy. It's like portrait mode. Adorable, right? So cute.

[Samantha Irby]

Portrait mode.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're like, we found a sugar glider. Like, please let us know if this is yours. They post it. Thomas is like, I also have an idea. There's a neighborhood listserv that has, like, daily and monthly emails. It, like, helps people find lost things. And there's a lot of people on the neighborhood newsletter who, like, are not on Facebook. Okay, so Thomas posts the same pic and the same info. At this point, it's about like 11pm and the sugar glider is waking up. Because it turns out that sugar gliders are nocturnal.

[Samantha Irby]

Kelsey, come on now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm sorry, but the sugar glider is, in fact waking up. It's flitting around. It's, like, looking at stuff. It's being crazy. It's like a bad cat. If a bad cat could fly.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's the pro. Okay, that's the perfect description. I know exactly what that means. Get out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, this is exactly what I thought it would be like. It's like bringing a squirrel inside. Like, we have made a huge mistake. And Thomas is like, she's hungry. And Eli is like, how do you know she's hungry? And Thomas is like, I can just tell. So now they have to Google. They Google. They're like, sugar gliders eat what? According to a website I went to called the petglider.com, sugar gliders prefer to eat tree SAP insects, especially frozen crickets.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, well, I'm short circuiting over here. Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But now we have a problem because Thomas is afraid of insects and frozen crickets. And, like, Eli is too afraid to feed those things to the sugar glider. And also, that is irrelevant because they don't have crickets and they don't know how to catch them.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, isn't there something else we can feed her? And the next things on the list are fruits, okay? Just fruits in all caps, okay? And so they're like, perfect, except that they've used all their fruits for this, like, cute little barbecue. And so the only fruits left are the fruits for Eli's, like, emotional support Monday morning smoothie.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. Oh, my God, I love this so much.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Thomas is like, I am so sorry, but, like, she needs to eat. And Eli is like, I do not wish to share my fruits with her. And Thomas is like, eli, please. Like, it's Saturday. You don't need the fruits till Monday. We can get you more fruits tomorrow. And Eli's like, we don't even know if it's hungry. Yeah, like, it's not. We have no idea if it's hungry. And Thomas is like, wouldn't you be hungry if you'd been away from your home for hours and scared? And Eli's like, I am scared. Meanwhile, the sugar glider is just, like, flitting back and forth, right?

[Samantha Irby]

Like, I would pop open a can of dog food and be like, okay, you do what you can with this. Good luck, baby, until the city can come pick your ass.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, maybe if she eats, she'll calm down a little. And Eli's like, you know what? I Would like her to calm down a little. So, like, sure, whatever. Thomas feeds the sugar glider Eli's emotional support. Smoothie fruits. Eli watches it with, like, its little claws and its long, thick tail. And he's like, I'm so scared.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, I'm with you, Eli.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The sugar glider, though, seems very happy having eaten these fruits. It plays with the dog. It plays with Thomas. It does not calm down. In fact, being fed makes it, like, a little more confident. Eli is like, this is literally my nightmare. Like, this is so bad. And Thomas is like, I think this is good. Like, the sugar glider is, like, feeling a little more comfortable. Like, it's going to be okay either way. They need to, like, stop talking about the sugar glider because it's midnight and they need to go to sleep. Do you let the sugar glider sleep in your room with you?

[Samantha Irby]

I don't let it sleep in my home. I would be at the Department of Agriculture sleeping in the waiting room. Yeah. I'd be asleep in my car out front with that thing in a shoebox with holes poked in it. I would not know. In my room. Oh, my God. I'm just picturing it. It would be Derek blasberging up my sheets. No way.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, absolutely not. He's like, I want the sugar glider away from me while I am asleep. He's like, so what if we, like, took our toothbrushes out of the bathroom and we put it in there? And Thomas is like, I don't wanna lock it in a cold, bright, terrible place.

[Samantha Irby]

Is this what, like, having empathy is? Because if so, I have none. Are you? It's a wild creature. I think the bathroom will be okay for an evening.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, okay, what if we, like, close the door and it just stays, like, in the living room kitchen area? And Thomas is like, yeah, that seems great. I love that.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They do this. They go to bed. Eli has nightmares about Bartok dragging him through purgatory. Of course he has nightmares that Bartok is sitting on Thomas shoulder and that now Thomas is in love with Bartok and is leaving him.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, God. Poor Eli.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He wakes up after Thomas, and he comes downstairs, and the sugar glider is, like, already nestled into Thomas's shoulder.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, I hate this thing.

[Samantha Irby]

I'm with you, brother. I hate it, too. Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli's, like, looking at him, looking at Thomas, forced to look at the sugar lighter because their, like, faces are so close together. And he's like, it has these, like, tiny, creepy pink fingers. And, like, each finger is, like, Tipped with a claw. That's like a miniature knife. Like, I don't. I don't like this.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. Little tiny pink razor fingers.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And then Eli is like, what? What is that smell? And Thomas is like, what smell? And Eli's like, it smells weird down here. The sugar glider has marked the downstairs.

[Samantha Irby]

You gotta be kidding me. You have got to be kidding me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, does this mean she's sick? He Googles. It's like, no. If a sugar glider is marking things, it means it feels comfortable. Thomas is like. Then Thomas is like, oh, my God. Bon Bon is a boy.

[Samantha Irby]

Bon Bon. He named it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get everything that scares Thomas and just pile it up. I'm going to get a large body of water. I'm going to get martini glasses. I'm going to get everything he hates and be like, listen, we've gone too far. Put that thing in a box and we're taking it somewhere. Bon Bon. I mean, that is a cute ass name, but we're not naming wild animals that don't belong to us.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes, yes. You're locked in. Like, this is exactly what's happening. And Eli is like, how did you name him Bon Bon? And Thomas is like, well, I named him Bon Bon back when he was a girl. I thought it was cute. And Eli's like, how do you know that he's not a girl? And Thomas is like, well, on this site, it says that only male sugar gliders mark their homes. And Eli's like, so he's been peeing all over our house. And Thomas is like, he's been peeing all over our home? Yes.

[Samantha Irby]

We gotta get a divorce. I'm. We have to break up. We are incompatible. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You and Bon Bon can live wherever you guys want. We are over. Love you. But no, he can't use a litter box or whatever. Absolutely not. Mm. Mm.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli's like, have fun downstairs with Bon Bon. I'm going upstairs to see if anyone has claimed this pet.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, God, I forgot about the Facebook group of it all.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He opens his laptop. He's like, please, God's a Facebook. Bring Bonbon's mother home. Like, please. He opens it. There are thousands of comments.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They come in four types. I will now read them to you and you can respond to each of them. The first type is a comment like, oh, what a sweet baby. What a precious angel.

[Samantha Irby]

Psychotic.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The second type of comment is like, if no One can take care of this beautiful, precious, sweet angel. I will just DM and I'll give him a beautiful home and life.

[Samantha Irby]

Great. I'm sending a DM immediately.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The third type is like, how exactly are you caring for this beautiful, precious angel? Like, did you even bring the sugar glider inside? Are you giving it only distilled water? Like, is your house exactly 80 degrees? It needs to be 80 degrees now.

[Samantha Irby]

That's what I anticipated people saying. And I would have to be like, get bent. We are trying to find its owner. I don't need a sugar glider parenting class. I need somebody to come get this bitch from my house.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Eli is also like, over my dead body am I making my house 80 degrees.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, seriously?

[Kelsey McKinney]

No. The fourth type of comment is, like, sugar gliders are actually bonding pets. Like, they cannot be alone. You need to find the real owner of this sugar glider because, like, no matter how much you play with them, they will not be happy unless another sugar glider is there.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay, again, a scientific fact I did not ask for and do not need because I'm not going to pay attention to it. I would like it away from me. Do you know the lady who has its mate? Please get her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. There are also comments that are like, sugar gliders are illegal. And Eli is like, oh, my God. Like, none of this is helping me.

[Samantha Irby]

Like, bitch, I'm not Tiger King. I'm trying to find out who it belongs to. Get out of here. Help me. Don't yell at me out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Don't do anything to not be a sugar glider. Like, please.

[Samantha Irby]

I didn't ask you how to get around import laws. I want to find the person who broke that law and give them their problem back, please.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli explains all of this to Thomas, and Thomas is like, oh, my God. That's so. I can't believe it. Like, I thought for sure this was going to work. Like, it would make sense that it would work. Like, aren't you looking for your pet? And he also is like, it's sad that, like, the sugar glider is an orphan with amnesia. Just like Anastasia. Like, we have to find his family.

[Samantha Irby]

And Eli's Rasputin.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, literally, Eli's Rasputin. Thomas is like, okay, okay, Let me check the neighborhood list serve and see if, like, anything's happening in there. Because he also posted over there. The vibes are, like, a little bit different over there in the vibes in the newsletter are, like, very horny for Thomas. Like, they're like, what a beautiful sugar glider. His friend's not bad either.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay. I Forgot it's pride month. So everybody's horny, is turned up.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're like, what a smart sugar glider. Landing on the handsome shoulder of a man with beautiful eyes.

[Samantha Irby]

Please, people. I mean, shoot. Your shot always. I guess. I guess I'd fuck you if you told me where to take this sugar glider. That's not my house.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. The comments are like, I sugar your glider. DM's open.

[Samantha Irby]

I mean, yes, but also, could you get this creature out of here?

[Kelsey McKinney]

All day? It is like this. Like, Eli goes to check on Thomas. Thomas is like, there's nothing on the listserv except for horny comments. Eli's like, there's nothing on the Facebook group except for people yelling at me.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes. Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Finally, that evening, a comet appears that's like, oh, my God. My precious baby, my angel. Like, this is my sugar glider. Please DM me.

[Samantha Irby]

Great.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli's like, great. He DM's her. He's like, we have him. She's like, oh, thank God. She's like, I lost him this weekend because I drove to my sister's house. Who's on this street? This is the name of the street that she says is the name of the street that Eli and Thomas live on. So Eli is like, that makes sense.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And this woman is like, and when we went to get in my car, he escaped. And Eli's like, great, I don't care. I'll get him.

[Samantha Irby]

How soon can you be here?

[Kelsey McKinney]

And she's like, oh, I would love to come get him, but, like, I don't have a car. Can you bring him to me? Eli's like, where do you live? And she's like, 45 minutes away. Can you see anything wrong here? Do you want to drive the sugar glider 45 minutes away?

[Samantha Irby]

No. Being trapped in a small, enclosed space with a creature who is terrifying to you that you can't control, that has the capability to, like, thrash itself around your entire car while also spraying noxious urine all over it. No. And whose belly is full of your emotional support. Acai berries, or whatever it is. No, I do not want to do that.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, I see no problem here. Let's. Let's go, like, load up the sugar glider. It's time to leave. And then he, like, explains all of this to Thomas, and Thomas is like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She said that she came to visit her sister on our street and that she lost Bon Bon when she was getting into her car. How does she not have a car?

[Samantha Irby]

Thomas, you better call Nancy Drew. And you guys could Work that out. I'm taking this. This bad boy back to his mama. She borrowed a car. Her car's in the shop. Who cares? Thomas, he has to go.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli's like, that doesn't really seem like my problem at all. Also, why would she lie? And Thomas is like, bon Bon's really cute. And Eli's like, is that enough of a reason to lie? And Thomas is like, well, how much are sugar gliders worth?

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They Google sugar glider babies can cost anywhere from 300 to 1500 dollars. And you need two. So you need $3000 worth of sugar gliders. And in Googling by sugar glider, they have learned that the Facebook posters were right. You cannot buy sugar gliders in the state that they live in. You have to go to another state. So there is like two incentives to steal the sugar glider.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay? I don't know that I would care. I just want this off my conscience and out of my home.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Have fun with your new mom.

[Samantha Irby]

Nice to know you, Bon Bon. Hope she's not a murderer.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And there's like another problem, which is, do you know about the other folder on Facebook?

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, like the one where, like, unsanctioned harassment messages go.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes, yes. Thomas is like, well, did you check the other folder? Like, maybe his real mom is in there. Like, I don't think this woman is his mom. And Eli looks in there and there are dozens of people that are like, that's my sugar glider.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, God. Oh, my God. This is why you can't do anything nice. You keep your head down and don't do anything nice. You. If you find a some wild shit, you call the Department of Agriculture and you wipe your hands of it. I would have been in bed by 9 o'clock the night before, not even thinking about that thing. Goodbye. Goodbye. Good riddance.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So Eli's like, trying to rack his brain, right? He's like, the sugar glider can't be all of theirs. And he's like, what are the options for, like, figuring out whose sugar glider it is, right? Like, you can't go like King Solomon hours. And like, say you're going to split the sugar glider into 20 pieces, right? Like, that's not going to work. So he's like, maybe we could play a game where we, like, invite all these people over and we put the sugar glider on a perch and we let it, like, fly to its true love, you know, it's like bachelor or something. And then he's like, no, we can't do that, because one, I don't want 12 people at my house. And two, I'm afraid it'll just fly to Thomas and then I'll be stuck with it.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But also, he's freaking out because that first woman knew the street that he lived on.

[Samantha Irby]

Right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He's like, how did she know that? He's, like, getting unsettled.

[Samantha Irby]

He really doesn't believe her story. Huh. I would be desperate to believe the first plausible sounding story.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. At this point in the story, Eli and Thomas make a fatal flaw.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my. Oh. At this point.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Which is that they're like. They're like, the Facebook post is not bringing us anyone who is actually the mom of this. And also, people are, like, sliding into our DMs with our address. Like, this is, like, very uncomfortable. Right. Like, they know where we live. We don't like it, they delete the post.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

How do you feel about this?

[Samantha Irby]

I am pro deleting things from Facebook. I am anti everything they've done up to this point. That wasn't like, you know, officer, here is a sugar glider.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Samantha Irby]

For you.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is, like, literally getting so desperate at this point that he's Googling Safe Haven Law's sugar glider. He's like, can we leave the sugar glider at a fire station? Thomas is like, we cannot leave him at a fire station. But even Thomas at this point is starting to realize, like, this is bad. Right? Like, Bon Bon scares Eli. Like, we don't want a pet sugar glider. We just want to find his real home.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas is like, we're gonna have to take it, like, to the rescue facility. We're gonna have to, like, just give it to someone.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Eli's like, yes, perfect. Whatever. Don't care. He's like, if by some miracle the comments on the neighborhood listserv, like, finds the owner and the next 12 hours, great. If not, we take it to the shelter tomorrow afternoon.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. We're doing another day with it. Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Shelter's closed at night, Sam.

[Samantha Irby]

I know.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, my God.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, this is like a. This is a nightmare. This is going to replace loose change as my biggest fear.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They go to bed, they wake up the next morning, there's no emotional support. Smoothie. They have to work.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, he couldn't even get his fruits. Uh huh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I know. In the morning, Eli, like, goes outside to water his plants or something. And his neighbor is like, you unleashed hell in the Facebook group. And Eli's like, what? And the neighbor is like, yeah, it's a mess in there. You know, people who listen to this podcast may remember that some Facebook groups have bylaws that forbid deleting posts.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. Wait, for real?

[Kelsey McKinney]

For real.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh. Oh, no. Are there, like, several accountability posts in its place now?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Being, like, literally.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. The Internet was a mistake. I mean, Al Gore, what have you, rot.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The group believes that they deserve closure and to know what happens to each pet.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So Eli goes back to this page, and, like, someone has screenshotted his original post. They have tagged him. They're demanding accountability. They're like, the community is helping you. You should be more grateful. They're like, eli is canceled. Like, Thomas's eyes are no longer beautiful to me. And not only that, people are like, the sugar glider is in danger. We need to find him. So they have gone, like, FBI mode. And using the fucking, like, angle of the sun and something in the background of the photo, they have found exactly where Eli and Thomas live.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God. Of course, of course, of course. They. Oh, my God, of course, of course, of course.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Eli is like. Eli is like, so let me get this straight. It's, like, illegal to delete posts, but it's not illegal to, like, find people's home addresses and post them to a group of 75,000 people? Like, come on. The Facebook people are, like, in the comments of this, having a debate on, like, if they could call someone to send to Eli and Thomas.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're like, but sugar gliders are illegal. Like, we don't want to send someone. And the sugar glider be taken. Like, think of the sugar glider.

[Samantha Irby]

Think of the sugar glider.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli's freaking out. He tells Thomas all of this, and Thomas is like, oh, my God, this is, like, so bad. Like, this is a nightmare. They decide to lock all their doors to have Eli post, like, a big apology about deleting the post. I. To post additional photos of Bon Bon to prove he is safe and well, which they take, like, against a white wall with one of their phones in the frame to, like, show the date for proof of light.

[Samantha Irby]

A ransom photo of a sugar glider.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're like, that's it. Like, we're gonna take this to the animal shelter. Like, let's figure out how to get it in the car. Like, we gotta get rid of this, right? And Eli, like, messages the Facebook moderators and are like, please call off the dogs. Like, we're going to take it to the animal shelter or whatever.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

When Thomas is like, someone messaged me on the neighborhood listserv group, and they look, and a woman named Haley has messaged, and she's like, that sugar lighter is mine. She sends a photo of the habitat, and she's like, see? That's his brother.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're, like, promising.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're like, how did you lose the sugar glider? And she's like, oh, my God, I've been miserable. Like, I went out of town, and the pet sitter opened the window, and, like, out he went. And they're like, where do you live? And she lives in the apartment building right behind them.

[Samantha Irby]

Okay, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So they're like, this makes perfect sense. We love it. But because they're still, like, wary because everyone now has their home address, they're like, we don't. We don't. We're feeling a little scared. Like, should we just take it to the animal shelter instead? What do you think?

[Samantha Irby]

First of all, I would torch my Facebook. Like, goodbye, delete, Never getting back on on ever. I would set up a ring camera in case somebody went to my house. And then I would give Haley this sugar glider, and I would say, I want to forget this happened. I've been fired from my job. I don't have my smoothie. My whole life is in a shambles because this thing fell out of a tree on my deck. I don't ever want to think about this again. Here you go.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Eli's like, I've been in 48 hours in purgatory with Bartok. Let her fucking have him.

[Samantha Irby]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, who cares?

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Thomas is, like, messaging this woman, right? He's like, can you send photos of him? And Haley sends pictures, but, like, all Sugar Fighters kind of look alike. So they're like, this isn't really conclusive. And Thomas is like, do you have any pictures of him as a baby? And Eli's like, how is that gonna help? But Haley does. And so then Thomas is like, look at him. He's so small. And Eli is like, please focus. They ask Haley. They're like, is there anything else to know that might be useful other than, like, how Bon Bon looks? And Haley's like, oh, yeah. Like, he only likes, like, tall blondes. And Eli is like, okay, first off, canceled. He's like. But second off, Thomas is, in fact, a tall blonde. So, like, huh? Okay, maybe. And she's also like, the sugar glider is not named Bon Bon. It's named Puka.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah. I'd have been like, bon Bon. His name is Jerome. Call him by his real name. Okay. Now that you know.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, exactly. Eli's like, puka. And because he says Puka out loud, Puka Bon Bon is like, flying at him.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, great.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Puka bonbon is, like, getting closer. He, like, puts his hands over his face, and Puka bonbon, like, lands on his shoulder. And Eli is, like, very scared. He's like, I am being so brave. He's, like, breathing through his nose out through his mouth. And he's also elated because he's like, clearly, this is Puka.

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thomas says Puka, and Puka Bombard flies back to him. Oh, they did it.

[Samantha Irby]

Great.

[Kelsey McKinney]

We are almost at the end. How do you feel? Let's check in. You know, whose side are you on?

[Samantha Irby]

Ordinarily, I would feel, oh, I am team Eli here. But this is beyond what I have the capacity to extend to my beloved. I mean, I would have been on the phone with the lawyer. Start billing me now. We have to go our separate ways. This is crazy. No, I am team Eli, and I am relieved, but I feel like another shoe is going to drop.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, how soon can you come get him?

[Samantha Irby]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Haley's like, I will walk over right now. And they're like, oh, blessed. Great. Haley comes over. She raises her hand. She's like, puka, come. The sugar glider flies away from Thomas and Eli, and they're both like, oh, my God, we did it. At this point, they're so relieved. They're so happy. They're both like. She's like, thank you so much, like, for taking care of my baby. They're like, you're welcome, babe. Please leave. Like, please get out of our home. Please take him away.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, girl, get me some nature's miracle. He peed all over my house.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Eli's like, why did you name him Pooka? And Haley's like, oh, I, like, really loved Anastasia as a child. So, like, the dog in Anastasia is named Pooka, and his brother at home is named Bartok. And Eli is like.

[Samantha Irby]

No, for real. My gel just dropped.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, my God.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Eli is like, I fucking told you that this guy looked like Bartok. And Thomas is like, you did. You were right.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh, my God.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They, like, post to the Facebook group. They're like, please forgive us. We found his home. Da, da, da, da. Everyone's like, oh, great. And they're like, thank God it's over.

[Samantha Irby]

And that's it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Except that it's, like, not over.

[Samantha Irby]

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My blood pressure, for real, is being affected.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's not as bad as you think. I promise. Eli is like, thank God the sugar glider is gone. I'm going to choose to like bonk my head and have amnesia like this Anastasia so that I don't have to think about this ever again. Right?

[Samantha Irby]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He's like, I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember that Thomas had this weird thing on its face. I don't want to remember that it was in our house. Like, I want to pay a professional cleaner and I wish to forget.

[Samantha Irby]

Yes, I'm right there with them.

[Kelsey McKinney]

A month later, they get like the neighborhood listserv's monthly roundup and there at the top is the picture of Thomas holding Puka Bonbon. The post was the most popular post in the news. Letterless serves history and so the company began using it in their marketing, like with the flirty comments and all. And now Eli gets it as like targeted ads on Instagram. Puka Bonbon lives forever.

[Samantha Irby]

Oh my God. I would have to move. I mean so many my life would have to change. This is the kind of thing that like the kind of couple test that you can never imagine. What would you do in the off chat? This person I married is not who I thought they were.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You showed me who you are and I it's someone who's nice.

[Samantha Irby]

I mean I don't want to cook and eat it, but I also don't want to spend.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Searching, living with.

[Samantha Irby]

Telling 70 having 75,000 people on Facebook yell at me for not like giving him distilled water. No. Oh my God. This harrowing.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sam, thank you so much for coming back on the show. It was a pleasure to have you.

[Samantha Irby]

Thank you for having me. This is the greatest experience of my life.

[E]

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normal gossip defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normal gossip.com you can follow the the show on Instagram and TikTok at normal gossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKinney Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong, Laughlin, Ozzie Linus Goodman and J Tol Vieira. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Coon are Defector's business guys. Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show Art thank you to Rachel Hampton, Brandi Jensen, Sabrina Imbler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, Heather Chen, Ray Ratto, David Roth, Catherine Hsu, Jasper Wang, Israel Daramola and Patrick Redford for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Miranda and remember you did not hear this from me.

[Samantha Irby]

Radiotopia from PRX.