Essential Oils and Illegal Casinos with Danielle Henderson

Summary

Normal Gossip Podcast Summary

Episode Title: Essential Oils and Illegal Casinos with Danielle Henderson
Host: Kelsey McKinney
Guest: Danielle Henderson
Release Date: October 16, 2024

---

Introduction

In this engaging episode of Normal Gossip, host Kelsey McKinney welcomes back Danielle Henderson, a television writer, memoir author of The Ugly Cry, and creator of the feminist persona Ryan Gosling. Together, they delve into a blend of personal anecdotes and a satirical exploration of small-town dynamics centered around competitive youth sports and questionable fundraising tactics.

---

Danielle’s Self-Gossip: A Crush and a Motorcycle

Timestamp: [05:00] – [10:09]

Danielle Henderson opens the conversation with a candid confession about developing a crush after 12 years of being intentionally single and celibate. She shares her unorthodox motivation technique—a list of “enemies” used to push herself towards personal success.

Danielle Henderson [03:13]: “I just use it for motivation. And I've been doing it for a long time. Like 25 years, I've had a list of enemies... the whole purpose is that if I'm not doing better than them by my own standards, I need to keep working.”

Danielle recounts her adventurous yet ill-fated experiences with a newfound interest in motorcycles, despite having no prior affinity for them. Her enthusiasm leads to unexpected attention from her small-town neighbors, sparking a series of humorous and exasperating interactions.

Danielle Henderson [06:07]: “They’re like, what? She has a crush. What’s happening?”

These anecdotes highlight Danielle’s humorous struggles with balancing personal desires and the often intrusive nature of small-town life.

---

Main Gossip Story: Competitive Soccer and Casino Night

Competitive Soccer and the Vipers

Timestamp: [14:23] – [21:42]

Transitioning from personal tales, Kelsey and Danielle shift focus to a fictional yet sharply satirical narrative about Yvonne, a mother deeply invested in her child’s participation in the local elite soccer team, the Vipers. The story critiques the hyper-competitive nature of youth sports and the lengths parents go to secure advantages for their children.

Kelsey McKinney [15:19]: “It makes me feel bad in my heart to see adults acting that way because they think they're conveying something to the children.”

The Vipers symbolize the societal pressure on parents to push their children beyond healthy boundaries, with tuition and training costs skyrocketing as part of an over-the-top portrayal of modern parenthood.

Casino Night Fundraiser

Timestamp: [22:05] – [57:44]

The core of the episode revolves around the annual Casino Night fundraiser organized by the Vipers' parents. This event, hosted at Raquel’s opulent yet questionable residence, serves as a microcosm for the absurdities and ethical dilemmas faced by those entangled in the competitive sports scene.

• Committee Dynamics: Yvonne, Bonnie, and Raquel

  Yvonne leads the fundraising committee, striving to balance legitimate fundraising with the chaotic influences of committee members like Bonnie, an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) enthusiast pushing her essential oils brand, Migaya, and Raquel, a former party girl turned overzealous event host.

  Bonnie [27:55]: "Migaya is not your lord and savior."

  Danielle Henderson [32:25]: “Bonnie is her unhinged disciple.”

• Conflict and Chaos at Casino Night

  Each year, Raquel disrupts the event with her unpredictable “surprise rounds,” offering inconsistent prizes that range from trivial items to cash, often leading to regulatory and ethical pitfalls. The episode uses sharp humor to depict how Raquel’s antics jeopardize the fundraiser’s integrity and relationships within the committee.

  Danielle Henderson [43:21]: “I'm just stunned. She’s stunting.”

  Kelsey McKinney [53:32]: “Raquel is still my favorite person in the story.”

The climax unfolds with Raquel attempting to rig the final bingo round, causing frictions with the police chief, who attends the event due to his child's involvement in the Vipers. The narrative satirizes the lengths to which individuals will go to maintain status and ensure their children's success, often at the expense of personal and ethical boundaries.

Kelsey McKinney [55:52]: “Yvonne goes to Bonnie and is like, bonnie, do you have another of those boxes?”

---

Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, Kelsey and Danielle reflect on the convoluted dynamics of the Casino Night fundraiser. They highlight the cyclical nature of the conflicts and the persistent chaos that sabotages efforts to create a fun and productive event. The episode ends on a note that underscores the futility and absurdity of such overcomplicated endeavors driven by misplaced priorities.

Danielle Henderson [58:49]: “You have to have something that that's why hosting bingo is a big deal in this world.”

Kelsey McKinney [60:41]: “All of this, all of this to send some 12-year-olds to soccer camp.”

---

Notable Quotes

• Danielle Henderson [03:13]: “I just use it for motivation. And I've been doing it for a long time. Like 25 years, I've had a list of enemies...”

• Danielle Henderson [05:10]: “It was a full-on Amber alert for my life.”

• Kelsey McKinney [15:19]: “It makes me feel bad in my heart to see adults acting that way because they think they're conveying something to the children.”

• Danielle Henderson [27:55]: “Migaya is not your lord and savior.”

• Kelsey McKinney [53:32]: “Raquel is still my favorite person in the story.”

• Danielle Henderson [58:49]: “You have to have something that that's why hosting bingo is a big deal in this world.”

---

Final Thoughts

This episode of Normal Gossip masterfully blends personal storytelling with a satirical critique of societal norms surrounding parenting and competition. Through sharp wit and engaging dialogue, Kelsey McKinney and Danielle Henderson offer listeners both laughter and reflection on the absurdities of modern life.

---

Connect with Normal Gossip:

• Website: https://normalgossip.komi.io/
• Email: [e-mail]
• Voicemail: 2679 GOSSIP
• Support: supportnormalgossip.com
• Social Media: Instagram and TikTok @NormalGossip

Transcript

[Alex Soojong Laughlin]

Hey there, it's Alex. You may have heard at the end of our episodes, the phrase Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia, but maybe you don't know what that means. The media industry is kind of garbage right now, and it is harder than ever for independent creatives to own their own work, get paid for their work, and to make a living off of their work. Radiotopia is trying to make that possible for more independent creators. They're really great partners for us, and we have been so happy to work with them. Every year, Radiotopia does a fundraising drive, and right now we have a goal of reaching 20, 24 donors, and maybe one of them is you. Your donations in the fall fundraiser go into marketing, ad sales, technology, and it also makes it possible to bring on new shows in the future. So maybe your next favorite podcast is just around the corner. If you are a Normal Gossip or Defector subscriber, that is different. If you donate during the fall fundraiser, you'll get a link to a curated list of all Radiotopia producers favorite things. As a token of thanks, I included something in there. You will never guess what it is. If you're listening to this episode right now, you are already supporting the work of Normal Gossip, Defector Media, and Radiotopia. But if you want to take that one step further, donate to the Radiotopia fall FundRaiser, visit Radiotopia FM, donate to learn more and add your name to the list of awesome listeners who support independent podcasts. Thanks.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Hello, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. I am thrilled to welcome back the podcast my friend, Danielle Henderson. Danielle is a television writer, author of the memoir the Ugly Cry, and creator of feminist Ryan Gosling. You can find her on Orgasms and Revenge, her weekly substack newsletter, and you may remember her from the premiere of season two, Grandma's Best Friend, Dot. Danielle, welcome back. It's so great to have you here. Kelsey. Hi.

[Danielle Henderson]

Hi. This is the most exciting day of my life. I was going to say year, but I'm like, no, let's just throw in the marriage and the divorce and the graduations, and this is the most exciting day of my. My life.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're doing that Nicole Kidman pose when she got divorced.

[Danielle Henderson]

Full arms in the air, take it all. Just sunlight shining on me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Has your relationship with Gossip changed at all since the last time you were here?

[Danielle Henderson]

It really. It hasn't changed fundamentally. I'M still very. A very passive receiver of gossip that doesn't affect my day to day life. My. My Thera, who is wonderful, is really upset by the fact that I keep an enemies list.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, yeah. My therapist also hates this about me.

[Danielle Henderson]

She's not thrilled.

[Kelsey McKinney]

We'll connect them together.

[Danielle Henderson]

We need to get them in a room. Well, no, you know, Donna, like, I don't have an enemies list that's active. I'm not. It's not like a hit list. Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're not doing anything with it.

[Danielle Henderson]

No, I just use it for motivation. And I've been doing it for a long time. Like 25 years, I've had a list of enemies. Like, five people that, you know, I will denote each year that if. And the whole purpose is that if I'm not doing better than them by my own standards, if I'm not doing better than them by the end of the year, then. Then I need to keep working.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, my God.

[Danielle Henderson]

It's purely motivational.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I love. So I'm like, keeping an enemies list because otherwise I'll forget.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, I'll just be like, is this person my friend? Right. Like, I don't know. It's unclear to me this. Yours is like, more motivating, which I like.

[Danielle Henderson]

Thank you. Please tell this to Donna because she's trying to get me to do a gratitude list instead.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, she's like, well, you're.

[Danielle Henderson]

You're a naturally depressive person. You shouldn't be looking for these chances to be upset.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes, Donna, that's why I have these lists to motivate me out of my depression and into success.

[Danielle Henderson]

And she won't let me. She won't let me gossip. And that's what really, I'm like, okay. I really. I really can't have you take everything away because she's a professional and she's good at her job.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

So when I want to gossip, she kind of always brings it back to, well, what's underlying then what's it? And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's like, well, you have your friends for that. And I'm like, yeah, but I want to have a Prof. I want a professional gossip.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I want your opinion. Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

Why can't I have that?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Also, the problem with your friends is that often they've heard other sides of the gossip, whereas your therapist only hears from you. So it's like, well, you're stuck on my team, babe, so I want you to gossip with me. You're in a vat in the words Of Don Draper.

[Danielle Henderson]

That's what the money is for. Like you're here for here. My side of this. Stop trying to make me a better person with a gratitude list. What are you crazy? This is not how I work.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's important to know your own limitations, and we're very aware of ours.

[Danielle Henderson]

Very aware. I'm very tuned in.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I was told that you brought a gossip story for me. Is that true?

[Danielle Henderson]

I did. Which is. It's difficult to do out here in the boonies, but I do have some personal gossip, so.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Self gossip. My favorite kind.

[Danielle Henderson]

Self gossip, as you know, because we are actual friends in real life. I had a crush on someone, and it's not a good crush. It's basically the. The embodiment of everything that's wrong with me in my own inability to love myself enough to choose someone worthy of me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No.

[Danielle Henderson]

Working on it. Working on it. But I've been like, you know, I've been intentionally single and celibate for 12 years, so even having a crush is a big deal for me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. I feel like it was like a news. You know, like when you get, like, a news blast from the New York Times on your phone, that's like, something bad has happened. I feel like that was the text that I got that was like, something crazy has happened.

[Danielle Henderson]

It was a full on Amber alert for my life. Like, I. I attached the siren and everything to that.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, everyone's phone buzzed.

[Danielle Henderson]

They're like, what? She has a crush. What's happening? And so I definitely have been traversing a line with this man, also knowing the whole time that he does not have a crush on me. Like, is incapable of having a crush on me in this moment. But that did not stop me from using any opportunity I could to kind of be closer to him. Okay, so he has a motorcycle. A really cute motor. It's a good motorcycle. It's like an old Triumph. It's a good motorcycle. And I am not a motorcycle person. I never have been in my life. I've had many opportunities. I've never looked at a motorcycle and thought, yes, get on that flying death machine. Yeah. And cart yourself into the sunset. But when you like someone enough to want to hold onto them for a.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Couple of hours, you.

[Danielle Henderson]

Sometimes you find yourself on the back of a motorcycle.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This is, like teen girl behavior. You're like. To be like, okay, I dislike motorcycles. Might they kill me? Yes. But also, I could get on the motorcycle and put my arms around my crush.

[Danielle Henderson]

It's the most base emotion I have felt in decades. Just full Base emotions. So I. He got this motorcycle, was very excited, and. And got a helmet for me. And.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Are you sure that he doesn't like you?

[Danielle Henderson]

I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you think he knows that you're into him?

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, absolutely, because I told him. I mean, I'm 47 years old, and I haven't had a crush in 12 years. So I was like, hey, I have a crush on you. I think I'm really interested in you. And he was like, I am not in that point in my life. I'm like, great, but you should know this about me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. And then he still, like, come with me on a sunset ride on my motorcycle.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, it gets. It's so much deeper than that. I know. It's just a disaster. It's just an emotional disaster. But he does know this about me and still invited me on the bike. He's like, no, this woman wants to be on me, and I'm inviting her to kind of be on me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And you were like, thank you. I would love to.

[Danielle Henderson]

I'm like, thank you. I. I will accept that. I will accept that.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Welcome to the Death Trap. I'm happy here.

[Danielle Henderson]

I'm. I'm happy on the Death Trap. So when I got on the motorcycle the first time.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I know.

[Danielle Henderson]

And this is earlier in the summer. In the summer, I usually wear extensions, so I had these long braids that are blue on the bottom. I always go with blue. I just. I. This is a color. I love it. It's easy for me. So the blue hair is sticking out and waving in the wind as I'm rolling around on this motorcycle. And it is a strange thing to be on one. I can't imagine being the driver of a motorcycle because you're getting everything full on in your face. But as someone on the back of a motorcycle, it was very exciting. Now, 70 miles per hour is too fast for me, but I like a smooth 50.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Danielle Henderson]

And then, you know, you're going down roads that you normally go down in a car, and it feels very interesting. I was having a good time. I felt safe.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I don't love that you're using the past tense here. I'm scared. Okay, continue. Yeah, you're having a good time.

[Danielle Henderson]

So I was. I was having a good time. The first time we got on. It was very exciting. And within an hour of getting home, I received a text message from my one neighbor. I have one neighbor next door. And I received a text message from my neighbor that said, did I just see you hop on A motorcycle and drive away. And my, my neighbors are retired teachers who've like, raised kids, have grandkids. It was a very grandparent message. Like, did I just see what I thought I saw?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, your neighbors are like, those things will kill you.

[Danielle Henderson]

Yeah, like, P.S. did you know? And then I got more messages than I would ever have expected because I expected zero messages. And we're out in the back roads like, we weren't even going through the center of town or anything. It doesn't matter. People. Little eyeballs are everywhere. And I got several more messages, four more messages from people in town that were saying, I don't think this is true, but it's possible. I saw you on the back of a motorcycle today.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I love that you are well known enough in the town that everyone is like, danielle should not be on a motorcycle one. And if she is, has she been kidnapped? Like we, I mean, like, like they're all starting these messages by being like, I'm pretty sure this couldn't have been you, but what the were you doing?

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, we haven't seen anyone else with blue hair like that in town. But maybe it was somebody passing through. We hope, we hope because every message was laden with this. That cannot be. You simply cannot be doing this. And then that escalated to cut to two weeks later. And I've been on the bike a couple of times between, you know, the first time and this incident. I go into my grocery store and I'm at the deli, the deli counter, as one is. And someone who worked behind the deli counter says to me, so I heard you bought a motorcycle.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh my God.

[Danielle Henderson]

And I'm like, this town is officially too small for me. One can I live? Because when I left, I grew up here. I grew up in this town, left for 30 years, came back. When I left here, I had never dated anybody. I had never seen a dick. And I pride myself on that because usually I can walk around town and say hello to anybody without any awkwardness. I've never seen your dick. Like, I, I can say hello to you on the street.

[Kelsey McKinney]

History. Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

So the fact that anyone sees me at all is weird now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

But also, am I allowed to be a little sexy now that I'm a 47 year old woman back in this fucking town? Can I not be on a motorcyc without your goddamn comments?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I like that you've become so defensive of the motorcycle that you're like, what? I'm not allowed to be sexy? It's like, no, no, everyone doesn't want you to die.

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, can I have a crush burn.

[Kelsey McKinney]

For your well being?

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, fully. And I'm in the means. I'm like, oh, can I just not have like a potential boyfriend? They're like, that is not what we're saying at all. The fact that you've put it in that context is real strange.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What, so I'm not allowed to fall in love?

[Danielle Henderson]

And like, it's not like you're posting a bikini picture on Instagram. You're on a motorcycle going 70 miles an hour down the road.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So at this point, how long has the crush been going on?

[Danielle Henderson]

It's, it's an extraordinary amount of time. It's, it's over a year.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, okay, so we're down bad. I would say.

[Danielle Henderson]

It's, it's, it's a mess. I'm working through it. It's very easy to do when the person you have a crush on wants nothing to do with you romantically. It's very easy to get over a crush that way.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Is it easy? Seems like you've had a crush for a year.

[Danielle Henderson]

Shut your mouth. I realize the key is to not be in physical proximity. So we just don't hang out as much anymore.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Simply don't get on the back of their motorcycle.

[Danielle Henderson]

Just do not get on the motorcycle. Do not let people create gossip about you. I'm just. But I, I've learned my lesson through gossip that, you know, you do a reckless thing and you get a reckless result.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Wow. Thank you for bringing me this self gossip. I hate to be honest, I'm concerned.

[Danielle Henderson]

But I'm, I'm glad to bring you gossip because you always bring me the best gossip.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's beautiful to share with your friends. Do you want to hear the gossip that I have for you today?

[Danielle Henderson]

You know I do.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Normal gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Today's gossip is about one of our favorite subjects, really annoying rich people.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, I can feel it coursing through my veins already.

[Kelsey McKinney]

We are going like just outside of a medium sized city. It's like middle of the country kind of place with a river and like one good museum couple great restaurants, low cost of living and a few of those neighborhoods outside where people just have way too much money and way too much time.

[Danielle Henderson]

I love when you can see that in the, the landscaping of the home.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

You're like, oh, you have really. You planted that completely ridiculous non indigenous bush outside your house because it was pretty. You have way too much money.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. What are you doing with a gardenia bush? Get out of here. Today's story is about parenting. Kind of you and I have both chosen a life where we are not parents and we feel good about this. How do you, Danielle, as a non parent, feel about competitive children, sports?

[Danielle Henderson]

It makes me feel bad in my heart to see adults acting that way because they think they're conveying something to the children. And really it's just a bunch of us non parents looking at the parents and saying, you should get a hobby of your own.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, this is not healthy for you.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Clearly your child is not that good.

[Danielle Henderson]

Stop forcing your child to be a soccer player when they have the agility of an aunt carrying 17 bowling balls. Don't do this to the kid.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And you're right, it is soccer.

[Danielle Henderson]

How did I know?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Our friend of a friend today we're going to call her Yvonne. Yvonne's in her 40s. She has a 12 year old. Her kid has been on this soccer team since he was six.

[Danielle Henderson]

Six years of this already.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The team is called the Vipers. The viper logo has like the viper head and it's like a heart and then the little tongue comes out of it. And the colors are purple and yellow and the viper looks angry.

[Danielle Henderson]

This is already perverse. How are you gonna take a viper and turn it into a symbol of love or affection?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I know when Yvonne's kid first joined this team, it was like vibes only time for fun, Right? Like the kids are kicking the ball into their own goal. They never won a tournament. And then something happened. Danielle, have you ever had an enemy based solely on someone who annoys the shit out of you?

[Danielle Henderson]

I make enemies on a bus. Like a 20 minute bus ride just because they're eating something disgusting.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Honestly, I'm laughing at you, but I'm like, why aren't you standing in front of the exit door?

[Danielle Henderson]

Move. Yeah, you're my enemy now. You don't know that and I'll never see you again. But we just became enemies. 100%.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Avon's enemy is this woman named Bonnie. Bonnie's youngest kid is the same age as Yvonne's. And Bonnie makes her crazy because Bonnie is one of those women who like, joins every single MLM that exists. So, like, when they first met, Bonnie was in an MLM that was all about selling quote, buttery, soft leggings and she was talking about them all the time.

[Danielle Henderson]

I've seen the documentary. I know exactly where we're at.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Not only is Bonnie like always annoying Yvonne with MLM garbage, she also kind of like changed the way that this soccer team works forever. Because her eldest kid was extremely good at soccer.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And because of this, Bonnie was like, my kid is really good at soccer. This team needs a better coach. And so Bonnie advocated to get the team a new coach who we will call coach. And coach ran this thing like a damn boot camp.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, he made tryouts that had like skills demos. And you might be thinking like, how does a 6 year old try out? That's a great question. You just have them run around. I guess it's a little unclear to me.

[Danielle Henderson]

Wait a minute. So these are actual. This is not just a come one, come all six year old league.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This is an elite soccer team. It's like travel soccer.

[Danielle Henderson]

I am scandalized.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And having your kid on the Vipers costs you so much money because you are paying for them to have all of these uniforms. You're paying for travel tournaments. They're. All of these kids are like hyper competitive. So they want all of this shit.

[Danielle Henderson]

I cannot believe the effort and energy that people are putting into this before they even have a game. Before they even hit. Was it the field, the pitch, whatever it is. Before they hit the pitch.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, what, what are they doing?

[Danielle Henderson]

These are also. Have you been around a six year old, they eat their own boogers. Like, what are you talking about?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh my goodness.

[Kelsey McKinney]

To have your child on the Vipers is like kind of like. It's like having a part time job. Right? Like it's like 20 hours a week of doing bullshit you don't want to do. And we're not even.

[Danielle Henderson]

We're not even at orange slices and snacks yet. This is just to get them out there to play.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. But having your kid on the Vipers in this town is also kind of like a status booster.

[Danielle Henderson]

Mm.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So like the mayor's kid, the superintendent's kid, the police chief's kid. All three of these fail sons are on the Vipers.

[Danielle Henderson]

I love how the three people you never want to talk to in town, now you have to talk to every week because of their children.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Because it's a status position. Do these three failsons sit on the bench because they're not good at soccer? Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

But are their dads campaigning for whatever position they're in? Exactly. On the sides of those fields?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Danielle Henderson]

Status people up the. The proximity to it. The thought that they could have it, it fucks people up.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

Because you're. If you look at it from a macro, in a macro sense, you're standing in grass with children for hours. You're just standing in a field with some kids. Chill out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Who are chasing a ball like they're. They're running around in circles.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, no, I can't. Oh, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But the thing is, Danielle, Bonnie brought coach in many years ago now. And Coach's method worked because Bonnie's eldest kid got a D1 full ride scholarship to a fancy school.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, so Bonnie brought in, like, the money ball coach.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And, like, did Bonnie's kid really even need a scholarship? Not really.

[Danielle Henderson]

But Bonnie needed to brag about her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Child having a scholarship, literally. And you might think, like, oh, okay, the star of a soccer team got a scholarship. Whatever. But it wasn't just him. It was four other starters.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, so it's kind of a rising tide situation.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Unfortunately, this made everyone lose their minds.

[Danielle Henderson]

Small drawback. Everyone went absolutely bonkers.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Because now every parent in this town is like, if my kid gets on the Vipers, my kid will, like, go to Princeton on a full ride or whatever.

[Danielle Henderson]

Also. Come on, get a grip. Name one person you know that went to school on a soccer scholarship and did not spend the entire time binge drinking.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, yep.

[Danielle Henderson]

Never kicked a ball again in their life once they got into college.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, so the parents are all obsessed with this, right? They're like, our kids are all gonna get full rides and they're all gonna play soccer or whatever. To do that, your kid has to be seen by the right people. And the right people are the scouts. And for the scouts to see your kid, your kid has to be in the right place. And the right place is a soccer camp in the summer in Nashville.

[Danielle Henderson]

Naturally.

[Kelsey McKinney]

That was my first course.

[Danielle Henderson]

Let's go to the hottest place. One of the hottest places on earth.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

And send our children there to get heat stroke. Because some middle aged man might like the way they kick something. Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

To get all of the kids to Nashville costs a shit ton of money. And so the Viper parents have a fundraiser every year. So our story today is about the fundraiser, which takes place in April every year and is themed. The theme is Casino Night.

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay. Again, I'm jumping in here to say please. This is so for the parents, this. Have you ever been to one of these things where they're like, the theme is Grease. And I'm like, none of these children have seen the movie Greece. This is for you to act like te birds and pink Ladies. The Casino Night is for you to gamble with your friends. Just.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Putting that out there, you know, it's.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Kind of apt, Right? You're gambling with your child's soccer career. You're gambling with your money. The house always wins, Right? Like, here we go.

[Danielle Henderson]

Absolutely. You're gambling with their mental health. Go for it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And to be clear, the kids are not invited to Casino Night. The fundraiser is parents only.

[Danielle Henderson]

Even fucking better. Like, we are going to raise money for your team. Get away. You're nowhere near this. We don't want them to see one of your cute little freckled faces. Try to get some more money here. This is going to be Caligula levels of mayhem. No children allowed.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Casino Night is run by a committee because all of these things have committees, right? And the committee is headed by our girl Yvonne. The reason Yvonne runs this committee is because at the end of Casino Night every year, there's one big prize, and her company donates that prize every year. And so she gets to be the head of the committee.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you want to guess what the prize is?

[Danielle Henderson]

Is it like one of those old packets of vouchers for various mental health professionals in your area?

[Kelsey McKinney]

A coupon book that's like, buy one, get one at Canes?

[Danielle Henderson]

A coupon book of hobbies you can have as an adult that don't involve your child at all?

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, the prize. If you win the blackout bingo event at the end of Casino night, you get $10,000.

[Danielle Henderson]

What the actual shit? And then they're going to turn around and give that $10,000 to that little kid to go to camp. I bet this is not. $10,000 is going to activate your life. I mean, where does Yvonne work?

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's a business lady, right? Like, it's not. She's one of those people that works in business. And you're like, what do you do when they explain it? And it immediately evaporates from your brain and you're like, huh.

[Danielle Henderson]

Perfect.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Perfect. So you wear heels to work.

[Danielle Henderson]

So you change from sneakers to heels on the subway. Great.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Got it.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, my. $10,000 again. People are sleeping on the streets in this country. Can we get a grip? Can we just focus a little bit?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Literally. But, you know, if you donate money without an event, you don't get any attention. So it's important to have an event.

[Danielle Henderson]

You can't just be kind enough to just give money. You have to make sure that people know you gave it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And so this event that Ivan's in charge of the committee. Right. And the big. One of the biggest decisions that the committee makes is also one of the stupidest. And that decision is who gets to host bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay, okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So who gets to stand up there and be like B7?

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay, we're. We're cultivating problems here because again, lives are empty in this story. So we're cultivating problems, but also, as a bingo player, please. It does not take a particular skill set. Anyone can do it. Your dog could do it. I could do it. Anyone could do it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Danielle Henderson]

It is. It is that feeling of needing to stand up somewhere and be seen is something I've never had any attachment to. I'm the exact opposite. I would rather be in the background, don't look at me at all. But the people who need to be seen concoction the most bizarre ways to be in the spotlight. And I guess, yes, that's why hosting bingo is a big deal in this world.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, anyone can host bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's, like, pretty easy to do. But every single year, Raquel hosts bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

All right, what's her deal?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Raquel's deal is that she was a party girl turned, like, girl boss who regrets not following her dreams of being a stand up comedian.

[Danielle Henderson]

This is so much information about.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's the kind of woman who, like, emceed her daughter's sweet 16.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, no. Oh, this makes my heartbreak for her. Just take her. Take her to a city and do like a.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Let her do a type five.

[Danielle Henderson]

Yeah, let her do. Do a fudgeing open mic. Like, don't let her run ragged over your children's lives because she didn't get enough attention.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Raquel loves this, right? Every year she wears a full tuxedo with tails to host bingo. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves Raquel.

[Danielle Henderson]

Raquel is exhausting to me already. I can already tell Raquel is going to be a big problem for me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And the problem is your other big problem. Bonnie has that thing that you were talking about where, like, she wants to be seen and loved and cared for and so she really wants to host bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

Bonnie bought the coach in. I mean, come on, give Bonnie her flowers.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And, you know, maybe if Bonnie could articulate the fact that, like, she wants to host bingo because, like, it's important to her to be seen and have a little bit of attention. Yvonne might that. But that's never what she says. What she says is that she wants to host bingo because it would be a great platform for her to hawk product for her mlm.

[Danielle Henderson]

Which everyone is always Open to.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Everyone's always open to it. This year, the product she's selling is an essential oils brand that we're going to call me Gaia. That's me. Capital G, A, I A.

[Danielle Henderson]

I've already bought Migaya's entire starting line. I love this. These are the kind of products that you. When you. You get and you put them on your actual skin, it's just like a dabbing acid on yourself. Like, there's nothing essential oily about it. It's just perfumed cleansers.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

You're putting directly on your skin. I love it. Bonnie, get it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Bonnie is always using these oils. She's always like, you know, if she walks by, it's like, you know when people used to wear Britney Spears fantasy and so it would, like, linger in the air it. But like, with lavender.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's always, like, putting peppermint on the kids when their, like, muscles are sore.

[Danielle Henderson]

Bonnie's got arnica for bruises. She's that mom.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And every committee meeting because of this is like, Yvonne's personal help because she's trying to plan casino night. And it's like a Migaia commercial.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's like, Bonnie's like, miguel, Bingo. Migaya prizes Miguaya snack. Miguel meeting next week. Queen Miguel is not a cult. Miguel is fun. Miguel, get a special car body.

[Danielle Henderson]

Migaia is not your lord and savior. Also, we all know. Do we? We all know this, right? We all know we should be getting our essential oils from an old woman in a store in the back of a strip mall that looks like a.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Shack where the essential oils are not labeled. She has to, like, tell you what's in each bottle.

[Danielle Henderson]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Like, this is where you should be getting your essential oils from, not from a branded content machine.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. So you have two options for who's going to host Bingo. You have Raquel wishes she was a comedian. You have Bonnie Migaya. Who do you choose?

[Danielle Henderson]

I choose walking into traffic. But I also, with those two choices, I'm going to go with Raquel.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Because Raquel puts in the time and the effort, and at least it's a kind of cloying need to be seen that I don't jive with. But you can at least count on the event itself being more entertaining.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. And so Yvonne is like, bonnie, here's the deal. I'm going to ask Raquel to do it because Raquel has a lot of experience and she's very good. And. And Bonnie is like, but I have, like, a bunch of oils. I could give away. And Yvonne is like, a bucket of oils is not the same as, like, the $10,000 that my company gives on the condition that they get advertising out of this. We cannot have your migaya bucket competing. And Bonnie's like, it's not a bucket. It is a really beautiful wooden case that keeps your oils nice and makes them not affected by sunlight and you can carry them around again.

[Danielle Henderson]

Has no one been to a Joann's craft store? They cost a dollar. Bonnie, get over it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne is like, no beautiful wooden case of migaya oils is the same as 10k.

[Danielle Henderson]

Not even if you put gold flakes in every bottle.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Bonnie is, like, annoying Yvonne so much the whole lead up to Casino Night, she's making her crazy. And, like, Yvonne wishes she could just kick her off the committee, which she technically could do. But the thing is, Bonnie's youngest child is still on the team, and that child is the best player on the team. And so they can't kick her off because, like, they need her kid because he's the star.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, no. And I'm sure Bonnie has not thought of that at all and is not going to use that and put that in her little quiver and pull it out later at all.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Yvonne is also like, even though Bonnie's gonna be mad at me, like, she's going to talk about Miguel all night on the mic and ruin the vibes. And, like, this is a fundraiser. Like, we need people to get smashed and have fun and donate money.

[Danielle Henderson]

Being annoyed and covered in lemon oil is not a way to raise money.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And so Yvonne is like, yet again, Raquel will be hosting. Bonnie. You are assigned to do concessions. Bonnie hates this because you cannot sell essential oils with popcorn.

[Danielle Henderson]

I gotta say, Yvonne is kind of my favorite person in the story right now. Yvonne's always thinking and always getting a little digging.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

She's like, I know what's happening here. I can see down the line what is happening. And I'm going to make this impossible for you to shill your goods.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It is almost time to go to Casino Night. Are you ready?

[Danielle Henderson]

I am so ready.

[D]

Despite wearing a hat every single day all summer long, I do have the skin of a Victorian ghost. Which means that if the sun even finds one little spot of skin that hasn't had sunscreen applied in the last, like, one hour, it destroys it. And so, you know, after a summer.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Trying to avoid the sun, I still.

[D]

Ended up with a little tiny dark spot on my cheek, which is so annoying. But, you know, skin changes over time and it can be so overwhelming to figure out the right products for your skin, which is why we're excited to partner with Apostrophe, the sponsor of this episode. Apostrophe's goal is to help you feel confident in your own skin. Whether you're dealing with breakouts, signs of aging, or acne scarring, Apostrophe will help you love the skin you're in. Apostrophe is an online platform that connects you with an expert dermatology team to get customized acne treatment for your unique skin. Through Apostrophe, you can get access to oral and topical medications that use clinically proven ingredients to help clear acne. Simply fill out an online consultation about your skin goals and medical history. Then snap a few selfies and a dermatology provider will create a customized treatment plan just for you. Apostrophe offers access to prescription treatments for all types of acne, from hormonal acne to facial acne, and even back, chest and butt acne treat breakouts from head to toe. I famously have only one skincare goal, and it's to make all of my pores disappear and look like a beautiful little doll. And that is extremely hard to achieve by yourself with just, like, drugstore products. So that's why I love working with Apostrophe, because, you know, you have access to an exper derm team and they make you a tailored treatment plan and then all of it just shows up at your house and you don't have to wait in line at the pharmacy. We have a special deal for our audience. Get your first Visit for only $5 at apostrophe.com gossip when you use our code gossip, that's a savings of $15. This code is only available to our listeners. To get started, just go to apostrophe.com gossip and click get Started. Then use our code gossipinappup and you'll get your first Visit for only $5. Thank you, Apostrophe, for sponsoring this episode.

[Kelsey McKinney]

One of the most forbidden topics in gossip is money. What's going on in your checking account? You would never, ever, ever ask your friend, because you don't want to be asked what's going on in your checking account. Because God knows what's going on in there. Every, like, six months, we all have a realization that's like, I should probably get serious about my finances. I should probably learn what a budget is. We've all hit a point where we've realized it was time to make serious money moves. Take control of your finances by Using a Chime checking account with features like no maintenance fees, fee free overdrafts up to $200, or getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Make your fall finances a little greener by working toward your financial goals with Chime. Open your account in two [e-mail] gossip that's chime.com gossip Chime feels like progress. Banking services and debit card provided by The Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members, FDIC SpotMe eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Booths are available to eligible CHIME members enrolled in Spotme and are subject to monthly limits. Terms and conditions apply. Go to chime.com disclosures for details. Another reason that Yvonne thinks that Raquel should host Bingo that I did not tell you about before is that Casino Night is held at Raquel's giant house.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, Raquel probably has like, a dry sauna.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And for sure she does.

[Danielle Henderson]

So she's gonna bring out some peacocks for the walk in. Yeah, like little peacock butlers. I love this.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You might be thinking, why is this fancy Casino Night fundraiser being held at Raquel's house instead of, I don't know, an event space, a gym. Thank you for asking. That's because all of this is illegal. In almost no states in America can you legally host a Casino Night that awards a cash prize.

[Danielle Henderson]

I love that. They have been doing this for years at this point.

[Kelsey McKinney]

In fact, in this state, you can only host a bingo event if you have a bingo license. And even then, you can only give out somewhere around like 2, $3,000 in total cash prizes.

[Danielle Henderson]

This is incredible. All of these people are implicated in a crime at this point. I love it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So that is why this is such a profitable fundraiser.

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, what? We get to be criminals for a night? What's the problem?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. They're like, we're going gambling, baby. Like, it's the suburbs. We're doing illegal things. Everyone's doing crime and the crime is bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

All right? They're. They're setting themselves for failure on multiple levels. And I can't wait.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I want to be clear that the vibe amongst these parents is not like a cap. Fuck the law. The vibe is like ordinances don't apply to us.

[Danielle Henderson]

What do you mean? Lawsuit?

[Kelsey McKinney]

How do you feel at this point? Let's check in.

[Danielle Henderson]

I feel like we are looking at some Martin Shrikeli level little evil geniuses being born of this community of lawless parents. I mean, things are going to happen that are going to be very bad for many people. I'm assuming, but I'm kind of enjoying this backstabby all, like, going into this event with so many personal issues, I think that loyalty is going to go out the window. And reports might be made to certain lawful factions of our nation because someone was upset that they couldn't sell migaya all night. But I, I, I feel it. I feel like, all right, rich people in a big house doing whatever they want. That tracks in America.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Yvonne shows up to Raquel's house for casino night. She feels stressed. She's like, this is my big night. I gotta make sure everything goes well. The place is done up, right? They've put down red carpet. There are crystal ashtrays everywhere, even though there's no smoking inside. There are waiters walking around. There's a dj. There are tables to play blackjack and poker and roulette. People are paying for tickets to get in. They're paying for bingo cards. They're paying for the cash bar, and they're paying for items from the silent auction. So this, they're like, basically printing cash, Right?

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, also, I'm just remembering that the superintendent and the police chief's kids are on this team. Are they at this event just watching this happen? Okay, don't let me get too far ahead, but if they're there, I've got things to say.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay? This event is printing cash, which is good because they need it, because for all the players and coaches and the parents to fly to Nashville, they need to make like, like 50k the act.

[Danielle Henderson]

You know how much money it cost for me to buy my first three cars combined? Not $12,000. Like, I think I bought one of those cars with a rubber band and a promise to babysit.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, yes, 50k is too much for a child to do any event.

[Kelsey McKinney]

50K is a down payment for a house in some place.

[Danielle Henderson]

I can't handle it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They're making so much money, right? But for the people attending, the only place you can make, like, real American dollars is at the final bingo event, right? Because in the, like, twisted logic of, like, rich white people breaking laws, they're like, we're only breaking one law that way.

[Danielle Henderson]

The rest of this is just the house party.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Raquel is there in her tux. Yvonne is wearing, like, a gown. Bonnie's wearing a gown. Coach is wearing a suit, but also a Back Edwards baseball hat. I the music is playing. People are arriving. Yvonne looks up and who is it? Oh, my God. It's the chief of police. This is what I the chief of police's name is Irrelevant to us. We don't care. He's walking toward her. Ivan is like, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Because every year they have the same problem. The problem is Raquel. The real reason that Yvonne even considered letting Bonnie host bingo is that Raquel has been known to go rogue. And the police chief's kid, as you correctly remembered, is on the Vipers. So he obviously knows about Casino Night. Obviously he's coming to this fundraiser. But he's like, due to my profession, I cannot see anyone win actual cash at this event.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right. Because that's how he's keeping it tight.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, I didn't see it. I didn't see anything. I was there. I didn't see a thing.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. So they have a little deal here where the police chief of police comes. Everyone does all of their above board party stuff. They're buying bingo cards, they're winning like a sad pin. And then the chief of police leaves, and then they do the big cash event.

[Danielle Henderson]

This is so sinister at its core.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I told you you were gonna hate it.

[Danielle Henderson]

None of these people should be wearing ball gowns and tuxedos. They should all be dressed like the Scarecrow from Batman. Or like, just pick a villain and dress as your favorite villain. Because this is so devious.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This plan never works because every year Raquel fucks the plan because she's doing her bingo prizes, right? She's giving stuff out and she notices that people are getting bored at some point. And she's like, no one's having fun because they're winning like a stupid cup or like a weird framed photo or like ugly little figurines or like a coupon for half a massage. And so to gain momentum, she does what she calls surprise round, where she offers all the cash in her wallet as the prize. And because Raquel is the kind of woman who, like, doesn't believe in banks, this could be anywhere from like 40 to $500.

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay? So she's just like, let me just pull a gold bar at a machooch. And.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But there's never any warning for the surprise round. Hence, surprise. And so every year, the police chief, Steve sees this and he hates it because he's like, you told me that I wouldn't have to see any of this nonsense.

[Danielle Henderson]

I've just been implicated in a crime that could end my career. Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And this happens every year.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, God. Raquel is truly a nightmare. But also my kind of nightmare.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

Like, I love hanging out with people like this who wear anything. You never know. You never know if they're going to ruin your life or enhance it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. So the chief of police comes up to Yvonne and he's like, like, listen up. We have this conversation every year. You're creating problems for me. Do not do the surprise round. You jeopardize me when you do it. Tell Raquel. And Ivana's like, don't worry. I talked to Raquel. We had a whole conversation about it. Really, you don't need to worry about this. Do you think that she should worry?

[Danielle Henderson]

She should be so worried that she becomes a helicopter parent to Raquel. Like, do not leave this woman's side.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, let me just go remind Raquel. But then she gets distracted, right? The bar needs more ice. The roulette wheel is stuck.

[Danielle Henderson]

She's busy, and she's the only one working this event. Everyone else is getting drunk and gambling.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. The night is getting later. People are getting rowdier. The pe. The bartenders are doing their job very well. All this time, bingo rounds are being played for, like, shitty little prizes, right? You can hear Raquel's voice everywhere. You can hear her jokes. You can hear her laugh. You can hear her congratulate winners. You can hear her remind people to buy bingo cards. Which means everyone can hear her when she's like, I've noticed things are slowing down and the prizes aren't really getting anyone excited. And Yvonne's like, no, no, no, no, no. And she starts to make her way toward Raquel. And Raquel's like, so let's just make it a little more fun. And the whole crowd cheers. And she's like, attention, everyone. It's time for the surprise round, okay?

[Danielle Henderson]

Yvonne's primary mistake is trying to wrangle Raquel. What she should have been doing is pushing the police chief out of the door with the force of a barricade. Like, she. She should not be focused on Raquel at this point. Her goal should have been, get the chief out of here.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne's like, shit. She starts to dart toward Raquel, but before she can, like, get there, the police chief is in front of her and she's like, I so sorry. I told her not to do this. Like, I can't. I'm so sorry. And the police chief is, like, clearly drunk at this point, and he's like, you told me she wasn't going to do it. And, like, since it's happening, I think that, like, you owe me a favor for this.

[Danielle Henderson]

That's not how any of this works. Have you ever heard the story of, like, the scorpion and the Alligator or whatever, going across the river, you don't get a favor because someone who you knew was going to fuck up actually fucks up.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne, of course, is like, yes, whatever. Whatever you want to make this go away. And he's like, and here is where you understand why the police chief is still always here, even though this is happening, is that the police chief's wife fucking loves to gamble. And so he's like. He's like, my wife wants. Wants to win the surprise round. We've come to this thing for 10 years, she's never won. She wants to win the surprise round. And Yvonne's like, your wife wants to win the surprise bingo round? And the police chief is like, yes, my wife wants to win the surprise round. Meanwhile, his wife is like, blowing past them like, mommy's gonna win.

[Danielle Henderson]

She's brought some low. The only way to. To. To win bingo in that way, to, like, force someone to win bingo is to just, like, load the balls with sand or something that you want to pick. So she's just throwing these, like, probably stunt balls in that cage.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. So this was going to be. My question for you is like, the balls are already in the cage. Raquel is starting the surprise round. Bingo. Famously random numbers come out of the thing. There are random numbers on the card. Card. Everyone has bingo cards. How are you gonna cheat here?

[Danielle Henderson]

I think she's gonna have to rig the card or in some way just like, you know, change a three to an eight kind of situation, because I don't know how else she's going to get her to win. And why is she putting herself in this position to begin with? Yvonne, you work at a Fortune 500 company, probably.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne is like, I need someone to help me. Like, I can't go up on this stage right now and talk to Raquel. That will look very weird.

[Danielle Henderson]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I need someone to help me. So she goes up to Bonnie and she's like, bonnie, you gotta help me. Raquel fucked up. And Bonnie is kind of smiling.

[Danielle Henderson]

Yeah. Migaya is not your ally here. Migai has been waiting for this ship to sink.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne's like, the police chief is mad again that Raquel did the surprise round again. And we need to throw this round in the police chief's wife's favor. And Bonnie's like, how? And Yvonne's like, great question. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna stand behind the police chief's wife and look at her bingo card. And then I'm gonna hold up the numbers that are on that card. And Raquel is going to call out those numbers.

[Danielle Henderson]

I just stunned. She's stunting. She's stunting. Like, that's the only way to do it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Bonnie's like, got it. And Yvonne's like, okay, I need you to, like, go tell Raquel. While she's saying this, Raquel's like, 17. And Yvonne's like, like, that number is not on the police chief's card. She's like, go. Like, go tell her.

[Danielle Henderson]

Raquel is still my favorite person story.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Bonnie goes darting up to the stage. She whispers in Raquel's ear. Raquel winks. Ivan holds up four fingers. Raquel is like, four. And Yvonne's like, great. Perfect. Because the police chief's wife is like, putting the little thing onto the fore. Yvonne is like, okay, it's time for another ball. Right? The balls are coming out. Yvonne holds up this. Can you describe what I'm doing with my hands?

[Danielle Henderson]

So with one hand you have piece fingers, and then you're holding up on the other hand just your pointer finger.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. What number would you say this is?

[Danielle Henderson]

3. Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Raquel looks at Yvonne's hands, like, with a puzzled face. And she goes, three. And Ivan is like, no, because she met 21.

[Danielle Henderson]

Okay, see, I'm not getting that either, because you can't rig. Bingo. This is why.

[Kelsey McKinney]

One of the reasons why Yvonne holds up a 4 and a 5. Raquel's like, 45. And Yvonne's like, yes. The Belize's wife now has three of her numbers covered in a row. They're like, great. Raquel gets the next one right. Four in a row. But when she does this, another voice is like, bingo.

[Danielle Henderson]

That first 17 came back to bite him in the ass.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Avant's like, fuck. And on stage, Raquel, like, also looks unhappy because she realizes this has not worked at all. Bonnie now appears out of nowhere and is like, what are we gonna do? The police chief is mad. And Yvonne's like, that. The police chief is mad. Like, I'm aware of what's going on here. Meanwhile, on the stage, Raquel is giving, like, $232 out of her wallet to the middle school math teacher who's going.

[Danielle Henderson]

To use it to feed their children. Probably, yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Bonnie's like, I know I've got it. I can fix this. And Yvonne is like, please don't. Please don't fix this. But Bonnie darts away and she crouches under a table, and she emerges holding a beautiful, clearly very heavy box. She hops on the stage. She grabs the mic. She's like, oh, My God, another surprise round. She's like, I have a beautiful box. She opens the box. Do you know what's inside the box?

[Danielle Henderson]

It's essential oil.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's migaya.

[Danielle Henderson]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's dozens of bottles of Migaya and lotion and all sorts of stuff.

[Danielle Henderson]

And everyone leaves. No one's playing bingo anymore because nobody wants it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne is like, oh, my God, this is nightmare. And Raguel is now on stage being like, another surprise round. And the police chief does not look happy.

[Danielle Henderson]

You weren't even supposed to be doing the first surprise round.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, Avon is like, goes to the police chief. He's like. She's like, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna stop her. Don't worry. And the police chief's wife is like, but I want the box. On stage, Raquel and Bonnie are fighting over the mic. It's squealing. People are, like, covering their ears. Yvonne hops up there and is like, raquel, we're doing the box. And Raquel's like, you said no box. And Yvonne's like, I changed my mind. And also, you fucked up. And the police chief is really mad. And Raquel's like, the police chief is drunk. He's mad every year. He doesn't care. And Yvonne's like, he does care. Do the box.

[Danielle Henderson]

He's also breaking the fucking law in front of our eyes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Danielle Henderson]

The man is unhinged in so many ways.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Upsettingly. As Bonnie takes the mic and begins to explain the box. She's, like, kind of charismatic and charming. And also, everyone's drunk. And so everyone's like, I want the box. So Yvonne's like, perfect, now we have to cheat again.

[Danielle Henderson]

I can't. I can't believe how good of a saleswoman Body appears in this moment, that she has drummed up this much enthusiasm for that box of oil.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Avant's like, whatever. We gotta win the police chief. This wife, this box, right? So she's doing. She's doing her numbers, right? She's doing the numbers behind her head. And Raquel is, like, getting it right. They get the police chief's wife, her B and her I and her N and her G. And when Raquel calls the O, the police chief's wife has, like, a beautiful diagonal line. Fine, Right? And Yvonne is flooded with relief. That lasts for, like, 14 seconds, because from across the room, someone else yells, bingo. The police chief's wife now yells, bingo. But she's second, so she gets nothing.

[Danielle Henderson]

No. I sincerely hope this is one of those situations where every single bingo card is printed out the exact same way. Listen, like, no variation.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Also, people have been buying bingo cards all night that they can then use at any time, right? So it's like chaos. The police chief is also mad, and he's like, my wife wanted to win and she didn't get to win.

[Danielle Henderson]

This is also a situation where I feel like this marriage is dubious. If you're working this hard to help this woman win a box of oils, what are you not doing for her in other ways that this has become.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Wow.

[Danielle Henderson]

Central focus of her happiness? Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And Yvonne's like, you know, I really hate to bring this up. It's, like, not really great time to bring this up, but, like, I do need you to leave pretty soon because we need to do the. The thing that you don't know about.

[Danielle Henderson]

Oh, my goodness, I can't. We need to do the thing that's going to actually get these kids to this soccer camp.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Uhhuh. And the police chief is like, why should I leave? Like, you said that my wife would win. She didn't win it. I had to see the surprise round again. Every year I see this, I never want to see it. What do you do? You need to get, like, you need to do the big prize round because that's why everyone is here. It's also the advertising for your company. Like, you have to do it.

[Danielle Henderson]

I feel like this is a good chance to whisk everyone away to a Wendy's and just do a secret round in the car. Like, you cannot keep this going at Raquel's house. It is not working out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

There's also an option here of just, like, forcing the police chief out. Right? Like, yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

Well, this is another option.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Find him. Right.

[Danielle Henderson]

Manhandle the police chief.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right.

[Danielle Henderson]

Who is already angry. We know how that works out. That combination does not work out well for anybody.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne goes to Bonnie and is like, bonnie, do you have another of those boxes? And Bonnie's like, yes, of course I have another box. I have so many of the boxes. And Yvonne's like, that's so great. Can you give one of those boxes to the police chief's wife, please? Because she also won this bingo round. And Bonnie's like, I can't just give it to her. The boxes are worth $800.

[Danielle Henderson]

One. That's what she thinks. We all know they're worth $20.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Danielle Henderson]

Watered down Pine Sol.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're Yvonne. Do you buy the box?

[Danielle Henderson]

Absolutely. By the box. What am I, Scrooge McDuck? No. We're trying to earn money for trying to raise Money for people. If I had $800, I just give it to these kids. I'm not buying anything. Like, the chief buy the box.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yvonne is like, you're going to make me pay $800 to buy this box from you to give it to the police chief. And Bonnie's like, or I get to host next year.

[Danielle Henderson]

Yes, Bonnie, yes, again, she is an unhinged disciple. But.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Yvonne is like, oh, my God, fine. Like, give me the box.

[Danielle Henderson]

Bear Men's. There's not going to be a surprise round next year, okay?

[Kelsey McKinney]

She takes the box, she gives it to the police chief. The police chief leaves. They get to do the 10k round. Everyone is happy except for Yvonne, who wants to die. We are almost at the end. How do you feel? Whose side are you on?

[Danielle Henderson]

I have come so full circle on being on Bonnie's side. And this is what happened last time. I was on too. Like, Bonnie's gonna be the worst. She's gonna nightmare. No, Bonnie played this exactly the way she should have played this. This because Raquel is always going to be surprise rounding it. That's her life. That's how she. How she is. And Ivon really is stressed out by her job here and should just maybe take a year off. Like, let her company not donate for a year or donate and have somebody else come in and do this. This event. Bonnie's playing it well. She's getting everything she wants. She brought the coach in. Her kid is a star of the team. She. They could have rectified all of this by having one little award. You know, Bonnie would have loved one little award. One little piece of paper that says, bonnie, you're the best.

[Kelsey McKinney]

One little chance to speak on Mike.

[Danielle Henderson]

That's it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Treat.

[Danielle Henderson]

That's all. Just as a treat. She. They could have nipped this in the bud with just a little bit of attention. But now what they've done is they've created a monster and Bonnie is going to grab the reins and never let go. And I'm. I'm glad for that for her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, she did it. I do have some final updates for you, which is that this was the last cas.

[Danielle Henderson]

They always get them in the end. Oh, Bonnie. Oh, gosh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The next year, they did a talent show, which they did let Bonnie MC because of their agreement and at which she talked about migaia the whole time. And also at which Raquel won with her stand up routine.

[Danielle Henderson]

Incredible all around.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So the feud continues. The Vipers did win their championship. Congrats to them, I guess. And the final update, I have for you is that the police chief took his wife to Monte Carlo for their anniversary, but she did not win.

[Danielle Henderson]

What is wrong with this man? This is the most delusional person in this nation. You take your gambling addicted wife to.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The absolute capital of gambling as a tr. Treat.

[Danielle Henderson]

As a treat and you think that anyone wins in a big way at any of these. You could have taken her to the bingo hall or the at the casino down the street. She would have lost just as much money. She has. A woman has a problem. You should have been taking her to rehab. Take care of your family, sir. Take her to rehab. Did the kids ever get to this camp?

[Kelsey McKinney]

They got to go to the camp. Good.

[Danielle Henderson]

Don't worry.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They went to the camp.

[Danielle Henderson]

Up. Oh my good. At least we're raising another generation of these absolute psychopaths who are too invested in their children's lives because again, all of this because kids were playing soccer.

[Kelsey McKinney]

All of this, all of this to send some 12 year olds to soccer camp.

[Danielle Henderson]

Lives ruined, friendships demolished.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Police chiefs corrupted.

[Danielle Henderson]

Police. She's corrupted. Gambling addictions intensified.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I think we had to go to soccer camp. We did it. Danielle, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a delight to have you.

[Danielle Henderson]

Thank you so much for having me. I will come back any time.

[E]

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normal gossip defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a [e-mail] you can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media Akin Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Soojong, Laughlin, Ozzie Lumis Goodman and J. Tolviera. Justin Ellis is Defectors projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean are Defectors business guys. Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defectors supervising producer. Tom Ley is our editor in chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store which you can find at Normal Gossip Store. Tara Jacoby designed our show Art. Thank you to Rachel Hampton, Branch Jensen, Sabrina Imbler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, Heather Chen, Ray Ratto, David Roth, Catherine Hsu, Jasper Wain, Israel Daramola and Patrick Redford for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Lauren and remember you did not hear this from me.

[Danielle Henderson]

Radiotopia from PRX.