Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky

Summary

Podcast Summary: Normal Gossip – "Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky"

Episode Details:

• Title: Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
• Host: Kelsey McKinney
• Guest: Carson Olshansky
• Release Date: November 20, 2024

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Introduction and Guest Welcome (00:00 – 02:29)

The episode begins with Kelsey McKinney welcoming listeners to Normal Gossip, setting the stage for an episode filled with quirky and relatable stories. Carson Olshansky, a Brooklyn-based standup comedian and writer known for his appearances at the New York City Pride Fest and the New York Comedy Festival, joins as the guest. Kelsey recalls their first meeting at the Williamstown Theater Festival, hinting at humorous past interactions.

Anecdote from the Williamstown Theater Festival (02:29 – 04:11)

Kelsey and Carson reminisce about their experience at the Williamstown Theater Festival. Kelsey shares a comedic mishap where she lost her rental car keys, leading to a 45-minute panic session searching for them. Carson humorously admits he avoided the chaos by not taking Kelsey's keys, highlighting his tendency to be the "kid who spills things" but manages to steer clear of trouble.

Notable Quote:

• Kelsey McKinney [03:00]: “...my car keys are just, like, a thing that doesn't really exist to me.”
• Carson Olshansky [03:30]: “I'm glad I didn't.”

Carson's Relationship with Gossip (04:11 – 05:20)

Carson delves into his own relationship with gossip, likening it to someone who wasn’t allowed sweets as a child—resulting in an unhealthy relationship with it in adulthood. He explains that due to having few friends during his formative years, he didn’t develop healthy gossiping habits, leading him to "go too long, too hard" in conversations, often ending up talking about people he doesn’t even dislike.

Notable Quote:

• Carson Olshansky [04:16]: “I just sort of go too long, too hard... then you're just shit talking people you don't even dislike.”

Social Media and Celebrity Interactions (05:20 – 07:10)

Kelsey brings up Carson’s social media presence, specifically referencing a moment when Cara Delevingne commented on his Instagram reel. Carson humorously confirms that Cara didn't deny his joke about celebrity queerness, suggesting that perhaps Erica, a character in the upcoming story, isn’t as straight as assumed.

Notable Quote:

• Carson Olshansky [05:46]: “I think they're just more likely to have met Cara Delevingne.”

Carson's Childhood Friendship Story (07:10 – 12:13)

Carson narrates a poignant story about his childhood friend, Julia, whom he was close to from early childhood due to their intertwined family friendships. Despite their long-term friendship, Julia revealed a significant secret during their senior year: she had lied about her age in childhood to join the same peewee soccer team as her older sister. This revelation led to a breakdown in trust and the eventual end of their 15-year friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Carson Olshansky [07:40]: “My senior year, we drifted apart a lot... I could not find it in my bag.”
• Kelsey McKinney [09:36]: “So you are not only saying that you're younger, you're saying that you're a genius.”

Transition to Tessa's Story (12:13 – 14:54)

Kelsey transitions to the main narrative of the episode, introducing Tessa—a college student grappling with unwanted holiday expectations. She is returning home from a prestigious college to a small town where her parents have specific, albeit unconventional, Christmas traditions. The central conflict revolves around a peculiar Christmas gift: a "ham bag."

Tessa's Christmas Conundrum (14:54 – 29:58)

Tessa, aiming to maintain her new-found identity and social circle in college, resents returning home for the holidays. Her parents, particularly her father, expect her to purchase a "ham bag"—a practical item designed to store ham, aligning with the town's summer Christmas traditions. Tessa's desire to avoid her crush, Erica, who works at the store she must visit, adds layers to her stress.

Key Points:

• Gift Expectations: Tessa is coerced into buying a $60 ham bag for her mother, a task she finds both financially and emotionally burdensome.
• Parental Pressure: Her father insists on the purchase, promising to reimburse her if needed, while her mother disapproves of such practical gifts.
• Encounter with Erica: Tessa's repeated, awkward encounters with Erica at the store heighten her anxiety, leading to comical yet cringe-worthy interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Tessa [22:00]: “Dad, you cannot give mom a handbag.”
• Carson Olshansky [26:14]: “I don't feel great about it, but if I were Tessa, going and getting it would be easier than taking a stand.”

Climactic Interaction and Resolution (29:58 – 58:56)

The subplot intensifies as Tessa, despite her reluctance, purchases the ham bag after multiple awkward interactions with Erica. Her parents’ unconventional gift-opening traditions create an uncomfortable family dynamic, culminating in her mother’s emotional reaction to the handbag—revealing the deeper connections and misconceptions within the family.

As the story progresses, Tessa confronts her feelings and the ridiculousness of her predicament. With support from Carson's insights, she realizes the importance of authenticity over trying to fit into her parents' expectations or her crush's perceived identity.

Key Outcomes:

• Family Dynamics: The handbag, though initially met with resistance, becomes a cherished item for her mother, validating Carson’s point about parental intuition.
• Personal Growth: Tessa learns to navigate her desires versus familial obligations, ultimately finding peace by addressing her crush directly and asserting her independence.

Notable Quotes:

• Kelsey McKinney [54:33]: “The conversation with your parents about a crush is bad. Conversation with your parents about a crush that you're failing at is worse.”
• Carson Olshansky [57:33]: “She got released from this hold that it had on her.”

Closing Thoughts and Reflections (58:56 – End)

In the resolution, two years later, the ham bag remains a beloved family item, symbolizing growth and understanding within Tessa’s family. Tessa now enjoys a healthy relationship and has a supportive queer friend, moving forward from her past insecurities.

Final Reflections:

• Carson expresses relief at the story's outcome, highlighting the importance of self-acceptance and authentic relationships.
• Kelsey emphasizes the value of being oneself, rather than molding oneself to meet others' expectations.

Notable Quotes:

• Carson Olshansky [59:04]: “I’m on Erica’s side.”
• Kelsey McKinney [59:05]: “This is the best possible scenario.”

Conclusion

"Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky" offers a blend of humor and heartfelt storytelling, exploring themes of friendship, familial expectations, and personal growth. Through Carson’s engaging narrative and relatable anecdotes, listeners are invited to reflect on their own relationships with gossip, authenticity, and the quirks of holiday traditions.

Key Takeaways:

• Authenticity is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships.
• Navigating familial expectations can lead to personal growth.
• Humorous yet insightful storytelling can illuminate complex emotional landscapes.

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Notable Quotes Compilation:

1. Kelsey McKinney [03:00]: “...my car keys are just, like, a thing that doesn't really exist to me.”
2. Carson Olshansky [03:30]: “I'm glad I didn't.”
3. Carson Olshansky [04:16]: “I just sort of go too long, too hard... then you're just shit talking people you don't even dislike.”
4. Carson Olshansky [05:46]: “I think they're just more likely to have met Cara Delevingne.”
5. Carson Olshansky [07:40]: “My senior year, we drifted apart a lot... I could not find it in my bag.”
6. Kelsey McKinney [09:36]: “So you are not only saying that you're younger, you're saying that you're a genius.”
7. Tessa [22:00]: “Dad, you cannot give mom a handbag.”
8. Carson Olshansky [26:14]: “I don't feel great about it, but if I were Tessa, going and getting it would be easier than taking a stand.”
9. Kelsey McKinney [54:33]: “The conversation with your parents about a crush is bad. Conversation with your parents about a crush that you're failing at is worse.”
10. Carson Olshansky [57:33]: “She got released from this hold that it had on her.”

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This summary captures the essence of the "Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky" episode, focusing on the core narrative and excluding promotional segments to provide a clear and engaging overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Alex Sujong Laughlin]

Hey there, it's Alex. You may have heard at the end of our episodes the phrase Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia, but maybe you don't know what that means. The media industry is kind of garbage right now and it is harder than ever for independent creatives to own their own work, get paid for their work, and to make a living off of their work. Radiotopia is trying to make that possible for more independent creators. They're really great partners for us and we have been so happy to work with them. Every year Radiotopia does a fundraising drive and right now we have a goal of reaching 2024 donors and maybe one of them is you. Your donations in the Fall fundraiser go into marketing, ad sales, technology, and it also makes it possible to bring on new shows in the future. So maybe your next favorite podcast is just around the corner. If you are a Normal Gossip or Defector subscriber, that is different. If you donate during the fall fundraiser, you'll get a link to a curated list of all Radiotopia producers favorite things. As a token of thanks, I included something in there. You will never guess what it is. If you're listening to this episode right now, you are already supporting the work of Normal Gossip, Defector Media and Radiotopia. But if you want to take that one step further, donate to the Radiotopia Fall FundRaiser, visit Radiotopia FM, donate to learn more and add your name to the list of awesome listeners who support independent podcasts. Thanks.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Hi and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney and in each episode of this podcast we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. As always, if you are desperate for more gossip and you're just like dying inside because this one episode a week isn't enough for you or you're becoming scared of the end of the season, you can always become a [e-mail] where you'll get an extra monthly bonus episode. I am so excited to have with me today Carson Olshansky. Carson is a Brooklyn based standup comedian and writer whom you may know from New York City Pride Fest, the New York Comedy Festival Reductress, or that time Cara Delevingne commented on their Instagram reel. Carson, welcome.

[Carson Olshansky]

Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's so nice to see you again. We were introduced to each other for the first time at the Williamstown Theater Festival. Do you have anything you'd like to say about our experience at the theater Festival before we move on.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh, I loved it. I just got to be, like, a passenger princess, both in the literal sense of, like, literally being driven around. And, I mean, you guys had to put, you know, produce a live show. I just got to have fun and steal snacks.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You did miss the most dramatic thing that happened.

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, I think I got sort of a teaser of it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. The real thing is that I went dumbass mode. And I don't usually drive places because I live in a walkable city. So my car keys are just, like, a thing that doesn't really exist to me. And so I put them on the floor of the rental car, and then they became stuck in the, like, rib cage of the rental car seat, and then I could not find them. And so we spent, like, 45 minutes in a pure terror. Poor Alex was googling, like, how to get new keys for car while I was, like, hyperventilating. So you're lucky that you missed.

[Carson Olshansky]

My perspective on this story was, you know, I was the kid who, if something spilled, I was the one who spilled it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

So I just, like, left. You know, I was about, like, I forget, like, an hour out, and I get a text being like, hey, any chance you took Kelsey's car keys? And I sort of read that as I absolutely took Kelsey's car keys. Like, I searched all I had, like, this. I was, like, holding three big bags in my lap. I searched all of them, and I was like. And I couldn't even find it in my bag.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm so sorry. So thank you for not stealing my car keys. Not thank you to me for losing them.

[Carson Olshansky]

I'm so glad I didn't.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Carson, would you like to start me off with a classic first question and tell me what your relationship with gossip is?

[Carson Olshansky]

So, you know those kids who, like, weren't allowed to have, like, sweets as a kid, so then when they're an adult, there's no way they're going to have a normal relationship with sweets.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

I feel sort of like that with gossip. Not because of household restrictions, but because in, like, middle and high school, I had few friends and no social currency. So I just sort of wasn't in the gossip circles. I didn't have the, like, practice gossiping at those formative ages where you're supposed to be forming a healthy relationship with gossip. So now I just sort of go too long, too hard.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Explain, like, what does it mean to go too long and too hard?

[Carson Olshansky]

So let's say gossiping starts because someone has something juicy to share.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

Three hours later, you're out of juicy stuff.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Uh huh.

[Carson Olshansky]

You know, then you're just shit talking people you don't even dislike. I feel like I often end up there.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And you think that that's because you missed out on some kind of like, training?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah, I think I just sort of like, am so excited to be included in gossip and I have such a scarcity mentality of like, if I don't keep adding fuel to this, it's going to go away.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, Carson, you're. You're like pulling up People's Instagrams from 2014, being like, look at this.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Wow, that's hard. You are very visible on social media. You are po. You're posting. We're both posting all the time. What is this? I have heard about Cara Delevingne commenting on your Instagram reel. What is this?

[Carson Olshansky]

Explain. So I posted a joke about how, like, I don't think celebrity women are actually any more likely to be queer than the population overall. I think they're just more likely to have met Cara Delevingne. And Cara Delevingne commented, lol.

[Kelsey McKinney]

So she's saying it's true.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah, exactly. I didn't hear a denial there.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I don't hear a denial. It seems like that's true for sure.

[Carson Olshansky]

That's like when you hear, you know, a rumor that a female celebrity has dated a supermodel. Like, you don't have to be that gay to want to date a supermodel, you know?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. I was told that you brought a gossip story for me. Is that true?

[Carson Olshansky]

It's true.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Can I have it?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. I. Okay. So growing up, I had this childhood friend, Julia.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is one of those situations where, like, we're friends, our older siblings are friends, our parents are friends.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

We became friends when we were like three or four.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

And it was that dynamic where, like, we had a great time one on one. We, like played pretend fairies. We made our neopets accounts together.

[Kelsey McKinney]

That's. That is huge. Really?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Right. It's a commitment.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

So we went to the same elementary school, the same middle school, the same high school. Okay. All throughout there was this dynamic where, like, she was cooler than I was.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

So there was a real distance in school.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And I imagine, I mean, I had friendships like this. Right. It is kind of like an in law situation where it's like you have become friends via marriage and the marriage is your older siblings or your parents are friends. Right.

[Carson Olshansky]

I would argue that we had real friendship chemistry independently.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. Okay. I love that for You.

[Carson Olshansky]

I don't know whether she would confirm or deny. You know, who's to say?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, I'm already scared. Continue.

[Carson Olshansky]

My senior year, we drifted apart a lot. It was early in the year. I heard a couple classmates talking about having gone to Julia's 17th birthday party over the weekend.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

I wasn't surprised not to have been invited to her birthday party.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

I was surprised that they said 17th birthday party because Julia and I are the same age. Oh no, Julia's 18.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What? I. Okay, I was very old for my grade. And you knew which kids were younger, Right? Like it is very clear when you're in elementary school and middle school, which kids are almost a full year younger than you because, like, you're taller than them, you have more skills than them. Right. Because that's how childhood works. So the idea that you could hide being a full year younger than people in your grade for the entirety of your childhood is like. Okay, so you're not only saying that you're younger, you're saying that you're a genius.

[Carson Olshansky]

Exactly. I knew you when you were like either three, just about to be four, or had just turned four. You weren't a whole year younger than that, you know? So I ask her about it. I'm like, hey, quick question.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

Talking about your 17th birthday party.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Uh huh.

[Carson Olshansky]

Why do they not know how old you are? And she's like, actually you don't know how old I am.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What?

[Carson Olshansky]

When I was three, my mom lied and said I was four so that I could get on the same peewee soccer team as my older sister. And the lie has just, you know, at a certain point, there was no good way to walk it back. I'm like, that would almost be plausible if I didn't know you then. She's like, no, it's true. I mean, you know, I always looked young. Now you know why. And you have to stop talking about this because we could get in real trouble now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Wait, what?

[Carson Olshansky]

So I say to her, like, look, I don't believe you. That being said, it's clearly important to you that I let this go.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Uh huh.

[Carson Olshansky]

So like, I'm not going to keep talking about it. Honestly, what I feel sadder about is just like how far we've drifted as friends.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh no.

[Carson Olshansky]

And she says, I just don't know that I can be friends with someone who doesn't trust me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You lied to me.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

For 15 years.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Or just started lying to me now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No. Yeah, one of the two.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. So that's it for our friendship. Like that's the last time that she and I speak. And she's been like family to me, you know, for all my formative years.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right.

[Carson Olshansky]

So, like, I still miss her, you know, she's still in my dreams. So two weeks ago, I'm going through childhood photos.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

I find a picture of our pre K class.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

So the thing is, I'm not about to concede any years old battles, but she did look really young.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, no. Okay, let's say I buy it, right? Like, let's say I buy it and. Which I'm not sure that I do yet.

[Carson Olshansky]

And I'm also not sure that I do. I'm just giving you all the information I have.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Thank you, and I appreciate that. Let's say I decide to buy this story. How would she get in trouble for it in high school?

[Carson Olshansky]

I don't know. But she seemed really intense about it, so I didn't push it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Huh.

[Carson Olshansky]

There's one little epilogue.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, okay, great.

[Carson Olshansky]

Which is that in getting ready to tell you this story, I wondered if I could fact check it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, that's a great idea. I love that plan.

[Carson Olshansky]

I did look up her full name plus age. There were two Google results.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

They both showed different numbers. Oh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm trying to. My brain is like moving 500 miles a minute because I'm like, one, how can we figure out the correct answer to this? Because I, like, need to know now. But two, it's like, for your age online, to show two different numbers, it means that, like, at some point this, like, charade of what age you are seems to have continued. Right? Because, like, like, why would the ages still be different?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah, I have no idea. Wow.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I like this crime because it hurts no one. And also, I have no idea why you would do it. Yeah. Carson, thank you for bringing me this story of childhood friendship and deceit and lies. I liked it very much. Do you want to hear the story that I have for you today more.

[Carson Olshansky]

Than anything in the world?

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[Kelsey McKinney]

Normal Gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Our friend of our friend today we're going to call her Tessa. And Tessa is experiencing a very particular type of misery, which is that she is boarding a plane home from college to go home for the holidays. She does not want to go home. She wants to stay in college, where she has created a personality for herself.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Is this relatable to you at all?

[Carson Olshansky]

Absolutely. I mean, I did go home for the holidays during college, but, like, that freedom of finally having gotten away and, like, having my first situationship. My situationship isn't at home.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, exactly. What are you supposed to do? Like, talk to people you went to high school with who have lied their age for years? Tessa is like, I never even wanted to be in the place I was from in the first place. Yeah, right? Like, she's one of those girls that went as far as possible. And for Tessa, that meant across a whole ocean. Okay, so to go home for the holidays, she has to leave her, like, prestigious Hogwarts ass college she attends, fly on a giant plane all the way to the other side of the world to her home country that is also a continent.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay, I have zero guesses.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. How would you have a guess? And then she has to drive hours from the airport in the big city to the small town that she's from. Okay, and that's like, the worst part of this, right? Is that it's like, in the small town, her parents work for the town, she went to school there, everyone knows her. And that was like, the old her, right? She's like, I feel different now. I don't want to go back to the land of kangaroos, where everyone assumes they know everything about me. Yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

There are no, like, parents, friends to tell your parents if you're out past 11:30 at night.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Carson Olshansky]

In college.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Truly hate to do this to you, but you did tweet recently, and I quote, oh, God, it's a great moral to never tweet.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh, no.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Quote. Sometimes I'll run into an old acquaintance and they'll try to fall back into our old rhythm, but I'm like, sorry, I don't remember which version of me I pretended to be with you. Can you explain this?

[Carson Olshansky]

Um, can I explain that? Yeah, sure. I have some people pleasing tendencies.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sure.

[Carson Olshansky]

I'll maybe change my personality a little bit, depending on who I'm talking to. And so it might take me a second to remember who I was.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. And I think that's, like, especially acute when you're 19, right. Because it's like, you haven't really finished filling out the form of, like, which personality you would like to have.

[Carson Olshansky]

And so you're still trying stuff on. You're still, like, seeing what works from which personality and sort of gluing together your collage personality from all of them.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. And there's another problem for Tessa, which is a more universal problem, and it is pining. Okay, what is having a crush, like, for you, excruciating? Say more.

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, like, I can't sleep when I have, like, a real crush.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Is it like an obsessive kind of crush?

[Carson Olshansky]

All encompassing?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So for all of high school, Tessa had an obsessive crush on this girl Erica.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

They were the smartest girls in their literature class, but Erica, like, always had a boyfriend and seemed to be straight.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa assumed that by going very, very far away for college, she'd, like, forget all about Erica. And for the most part, she did. She's like, I'm the new Tessa now. Right. Like, I have a whole cool group of queer friends. I'm, like, reading classic books. I joined a rec sports league in college. Right. Like, I'm totally different.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, I'm confident and strong, and I am not the type to pine after a straight girl anymore.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you believe this?

[Carson Olshansky]

No, but. Well, no. Yes, but I don't believe Erica's a straight girl.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Aha. Okay, the minute Tessa gets on the plane to go home, her brain is like, remember Erica?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And so she has so much time on the plane to think about this because the flight is hours and hours and hours, and she's, like, pining Having a crush like that is so miserable. I can't do it. Right.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Wait, I want to know what was. You know, I know Erica always had boyfriends, but what was Erica and Tessa's relationship?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Good question. The vibe that I got is that Tessa is like the kind of girl that, like, when she has a crush, she like, withdraws. Right? Like, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right. Like, and so it's one of those things where like, the person you have a crush on would be like, they don't even like me. And then as her friend, you would have to be like, no, she does like you. She's just a dumbass.

[Carson Olshansky]

Tessa kept every conversation as short as possible because they were so excruciating.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly.

[Carson Olshansky]

So on this airplane, not feeling good about this crush coming back, not feeling.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Good about this crush having magically blossomed again inside her heart, and she's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to stay inside my parents house. Like, I'm going to go home. I don't need to go anywhere. I don't need to see anyone. I can just go to my house for the holidays and put myself inside house prison, and then I'll be safe.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you think this is a good idea? No.

[Carson Olshansky]

Like, it sounds like her brain is the prison here. And so spending all your time shut up inside in a place that makes you feel like not the best version of yourself doesn't seem like the antidote to the poison.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, that seems right. But Tessa is 19, so she's like, this is absolutely gonna work.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

By the time Tessa arrives, her plane touches down in the land of a thousand Hemsworths. She is exhausted. And also it is so hot because famously south of the equator, Christmas time is summertime. Her mom picks her up at the airport, drives her the million miles home. And when she arrives, she's like, I'm so tired. Her dad's in his armchair and he has his like, crutches nearby because this man had to have his hip replaced because of some like, long ago college sports injury. And so he's like, barely mobile. So he calls Tessa over and he's like, I'm so glad you're home. It's so good to see you. And she's like, it's so good to see you. And then he like, kind of like menacingly is like, I gotta talk to you later about something. They eat dinner. Tessa's like, watching him with concern because she's like, what on earth does this band have to Say to me. And after dinner, he pulls her aside and is like, tessa, you know, I've been, like, laid up and injured. And she's like, yes, I'm aware of that. And he's like, okay, I need your help with, like, all the Christmas chores.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa's like, well, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Right? Like, classic parent ask. What kind of holiday traditions do you have in your family?

[Carson Olshansky]

So we are Jewish.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

So we don't do much for Christmas.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

Hanukkah is kind of a fake holiday.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, my parents really put on a.

[Carson Olshansky]

Good show when we were little, but, you know, by the time I was, like, still home, but maybe, like, 13, I'd be like, wait, are we not doing all eight nights? And they're like, oh, you still want to do all eight nights?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Grow up.

[Carson Olshansky]

We on New Year's Eve is also my late grandfather's birthday. So every year, we have, like, a dinner for that, but that's about it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

My only Christmas tradition is that every year, I watch every Twilight mov movie. So I'm not also. I'm also not doing a lot of Christmas traditions in this family. Every Christmas is the same, okay? Christmas Eve is like, a small dinner at home, and then on Christmas morning, they drive two hours to the city where Tessa's plane landed, and that's where her mom's family lives. So they do, like, big Christmas there. Everyone opens their presents, they have a big dinner, et cetera.

[Carson Olshansky]

Do we like this family?

[Kelsey McKinney]

We like the family. Yeah. Everyone feels good about that. So Tess is like, whatever. There's always chores around Christmas. Like, what kind of chores do you want me to do? And for the most part, these are normal. Right. The dad's like, I need you to help me put up the Christmas tree. I need Christmas cookies for the neighbors. We got to put the lights up, like, normal stuff.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But there's one more thing. And he's like, I need your help with your mother's Christmas gift.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

There are, like, a couple reasons that this is annoying to Tessa. The first is that she's like, they're only, like, four days until Christmas. Right? Like, this is stressful timing. You've now given me, like, four chores, including a present for my mother. Yeah. The second reason is that Tessa's parents are so annoying about Christmas. They always demand to open each other's gifts at the big family party. And then they do this, like, little sketch that they do every year. Or her dad opens her mom's gift, say, it's like a George Foreman grill or Whiskey stones or a puzzle game or a yeti cooler. And he's like, I hate it. It's impractical. It takes up counter space. I don't want this.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Her mom opens her dad's gift and say it's, you know, an automatic wine opener or a Snuggie or a fancy piece of cookware. And she's like, this is too expensive, and it looks cheap, and it isn't like me at all. And it is so uncomfortable for everyone in this Christmas room.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

How do you feel about this? Like, tiff, I.

[Carson Olshansky]

Well, this is a bit of a different. Cause there's not the interpersonal tension element to it. But every Passover, my dad reads the same humor passage from Daniel Handler, AKA Lemony Snicket.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yep.

[Carson Olshansky]

And every time we get to the four children part of the Seder, and every time he takes out his little insert, I'm just like.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, here we go.

[Carson Olshansky]

So it's not the same, like, play fighting in a way that you're like, I know this is play fighting, but it's still making the rest of us uncomfortable seeing this.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

But at least there's that same degree of, like, I understand the sort of eye rolliness of knowing it's coming and then having to.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. And so it's like, it's the eye rolling. And it's also the fact that Tessa knows, like, the reality of these people's lives, which is that when they go home, they use the gifts that they have gotten each other every single day.

[Carson Olshansky]

So Tessa knows that this is a play fighting joke. Does everyone know that this is a play fighting joke?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Not necessarily. Like, the vibes are not great.

[Carson Olshansky]

Do you know the 30 Rock episode where, like, the rich women without jobs need to do the fight club just to sort of, like, feel alive?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

Do you think, like, maybe they're just so satisfied in their marriage that they need to perform marital dissatisfaction just to keep the erotic spark alive?

[Kelsey McKinney]

I love this as a theory. I think it's totally possible. Like, I don't know why they do this. Like, we did not get an answer, but it's like, there's something about this kind of couple that, like, I like. I know couples like this where it's like, they pick at each other in front of people, and you're like, I don't really love that. You're like, love language is public fighting. Like, could you just stop? Like, this is. Not everyone else is unhappy here.

[Carson Olshansky]

It does always feel weird to be brought into a couple's dynamic in ways that feel Outside the sort of scripts for how couples are supposed to exist in public, shared spaces.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. So Tess's dad has now asked her to become involved not only in getting the gift, but, like, in this whole situation.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And he can sense her hesitation, and he's like, don't worry. I already have the perfect gift. Like, she's definitely going to love it this year. He says this every year. And Tess is like, I don't believe you. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, this year is different. I already called ahead. The gift is in stock. All you have to do is go get it. What do you think about this?

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, I don't feel great about it, but, like, if I were Tessa, it seems like going and getting it would be such the easier option than taking a stand here.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, exactly. Tessa's, like, fine, like, whatever. Like, what is the present? And he tells her that it is a very beautiful, very fancy handbag. Do you think that this is a good gift?

[Carson Olshansky]

You said it's a handbag.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, see, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say handbag. I said ham bag.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

All right.

[Carson Olshansky]

Of course. Handbag.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you know what a ham bag is?

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, I know what ham is, and I know what a bag is.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. You're pretty fucking close already. In this land of, like, down under chaos, they have some sort of fun and exciting Christmas traditions. One of them is, like, to go to the beach dressed as Santa, I guess. But they also have ham bag. A handbag is a cotton bag with a drawstring at the top that is made for storing ham.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Ham is, like, the traditional meat of this country's Christmas, I guess. And because Christmas time is in the summer, all these, like, flat white lovers don't like a hot roast. They want cold meat, like sliced ham. And so they have a nice big luncheon. And because of this, you have so much ham, and the ham needs to be stored, and so you have a ham bag where you put the ham so it doesn't dry out in the fridge.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay. Huh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you think this is a good gift?

[Carson Olshansky]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Why?

[Carson Olshansky]

Because gifts are supposed to be, like, fun and not like that sounds like such a practical item, like cotton and a string. Seems pretty. Not that exciting.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Tessa is like, what kind of fucking drugs did they give you when you got out of surgery? Like, you buy a handbag at the supermarket. You buy a handbag is like, an extra little thing in line. Like, it's like giving your partner a scrub daddy for Christmas.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa's like, dad, you cannot give mom a handbag. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a special handbag. It's high quality. First off, it's linen and cotton. Second off, it's hand embroidered by a local artist. You're paying for art. It's really high quality. It's like bespoke, even for an item.

[Carson Olshansky]

That you're gonna put a bunch of greasy ham into.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Correct. Okay, Are you convinced?

[Carson Olshansky]

No, but I am convinced that mom's reaction to this is gonna, like, ultimately be dad's problem. I mean, I know we're all going to have to feel it and be uncomfortable about it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sure.

[Carson Olshansky]

But it also sounds like dad has proven himself over the years to actually have a pretty great sense of mom's taste.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

And what she'll actually use and enjoy. And so maybe even though this would not be the right present for 99.99% of people, she might be that 0.01%.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa is like, dad, no one wants a hand embroidered handbag. And he's like, your mom complains every year about the quality of the handbags. Like, she's going to love it. Tessa's like, no, she's not. And her dad is like, will you please just help me? Like, I can't drive. You have to go into town to get it. Town is like, you know, the bigger town nearby with cute stuff. It is a 30 minute drive. Okay, what do you think?

[Carson Olshansky]

Does town put me in greater danger of running into high school people?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay. I don't love this, but I probably wouldn't put up a fight. Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tess is like, oh my God, Fine. Like, I'll go. He's like, great. It's in this little like shoppie shop in town.

[Carson Olshansky]

Uh huh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Usually when I say the word shoppie shop, what I mean is a store that like, carries Grazza olive oil.

[Carson Olshansky]

Right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, it has like adorable mugs and great incense and like little plants that you'll kill. Right? Like that's. That's the vibe.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And so Tess is like, the handbag that you want me to get is from the store that carries like, these weird, strange tchotchkes that like, I don't think anyone wants. And he's like, yes. She's like, great. He's like, do you know where it is? She's like, oh, yeah. I bought like mom bought your whiskey stones last year there, which you claim to hate and use every day.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

He's like, great. So you know, it so the next day, three days before Christmas, she drives into town. It takes 45 minutes because there's traffic from people going to buy gifts. It's hard to park. She finally finds a place. She goes, like, strolling up to the store and she's looking in the window, and there at the counter is Erica. What do you do?

[Carson Olshansky]

So has Tessa. I know Tessa has sort of transformed herself in terms of she exists in a different social circle.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sure.

[Carson Olshansky]

She, in college, carries herself with a new confidence. Has she, liked, gotten a cool haircut? Has she gotten ripped? Are there visible changes that say, like, erica, I'm not the same Tessa you knew?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Absolutely. There are, like, absolutely physical changes. Probably haircut, probably ripped. Right. Like, she's looking different, but in her heart, she is not feeling different.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yes. She's regressing right back. So it's really hard to summon that sort of spirit of like, this is the new me. When you're like, erica, Erica, Erica, Erica, please smile at me. Please, please smile at me.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Literally, I would hide. Okay. That's correct. Tessa is like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. She ducks. She, like, runs at a half stoop back to her car. And she's like, I cannot believe this. Like, yeah, I do not want to see this girl.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I'm also, like, not dressed cute because I just came into town to get this stupid handbag.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay. I'm glad that she's not dressed cute because that means she's not so obsessed that she's like, every time I'm going into town, there's a possibility of seeing Erica, and therefore, like, she could be farther gone than she is.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She will become more farther gone.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, I can't go in there. Right. I'm not going in there. I don't look cute. I have been dreading and also hoping with every bone in my body to see this girl. I cannot go in there. And she's also, like, is her hair shorter? Like, it looked shorter.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Are you brave when faced with a crush?

[Carson Olshansky]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What level of bravery do you have?

[Carson Olshansky]

Like, close to none.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Would you flee?

[Carson Olshansky]

I might, like, wait a little. Like, I don't know that I would fully run. She was at the counter. So she's paying, right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, sorry. She's not paying. She's working at the counter.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh, gotcha. Okay, then I'd probably swallow my. I'd probably suck it up.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You would?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're going in?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Especially, I mean, you've got such a great. Like, the scary thing is not Knowing what you're gonna say. But this is a beautiful moment. You can be like, my dad got my mom this handbag. This is crazy, right?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. That is a great point that, like, the script exists.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, if you're in a foreign country and you barely speak the language, you can interact with customer service people. Because there's only ever, like, eight things that people say to each other. Right. Like, the script is easy. Tessa does not think this. Tessa is not brave. She drives back home. She's like, dad, I didn't get the handbag. I'm gonna go get it tomorrow. He's like, okay, great. She spends the evening, like, doing chores. Right. Her mom has been doing, like, so much lately. Cause her dad is hurt. And Tessa, like, makes the Christmas cookies he needs. She cleans the kitchen. Her mom is, like, so happy. And she's like, thank you so much. Like, I feel so underwater. There's, like, so much to do. And usually your dad is, like, super good at helping, but he just, like, can't when he's on crutches. And she's like. And I'm just feeling so tired. Like, thank you for your. And Tessa is like, you're so welcome. But then in her heart, she's like, we cannot get this woman a handbag.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you think that she should, like, find an alternative gift? Like, what? No.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is her dad's problem. This is. It's. Just let it happen. I'm sorry that you have to be there for it, but you just have to let it happen.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Why?

[Carson Olshansky]

Because she's already pushed back. Let it. Like, this is not. You did your part.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Tessa is like, dad, we cannot get her a handbag. And her dad is like, we're getting her a handbag. And she's like, okay.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The next day, she wakes up, she becomes dressed. She becomes cute.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay?

[Kelsey McKinney]

She drives 45 minutes. She looks through the window of the shop, and Erica is there again at the register. And she's like, no, no, I can't do this. She goes to the coffee shop across the street. She's like, I don't want to interact with Erica. I'll just wait until her shift is over or she goes on her break or something, and then I'll dart in.

[Carson Olshansky]

See, I'm a very cowardly person. And even I'm like, okay, Tessa, because you no longer have my sympathy for, like, having been caught off guard, you know?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

You've gotten yourself.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You look cute. Yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is, like, one of the most straightforward interactions you could possibly have, like, running into her anywhere in any other context would be so much scarier. Here you know exactly what your role is.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

And it. This is a little uncomfortable, what I'm about to say, from a power perspective, please. Like, she's the one working there. You're the customer. You can kind of decide when the interaction is over.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. And it's also like, there's a clear limit on the interaction time because you're buying something.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right. Like, you're not. Like, it's not like you ran into her at a bar and it's like, well, if I go talk to her, I could get stuck there for 45 minutes and then I might reveal all of my secrets. Right. Like, it's like you're.

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, you could. Like, on the plus side, you can stay in chit chat, like, if it's not too crowded and she doesn't have other people to, you know.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. You have options. In some ways, I'm like, this is the best way to run into a crush. Tessa does not think this. She's like, I'm going to be staking this out. Have you ever staked out a crush?

[Carson Olshansky]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah, I think that's the normal response. Yeah, I just figured I'd ask. Tessa waits and waits and waits. And eventually Erica leaves. And Tessa's like, her jeans look so good. She looks incredible. She's like, now is my time.

[Carson Olshansky]

Erica, is are these the same style of jeans she's always worn or are they, like, maybe a little bit baggier than they've been in?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Good question. They are a little bit baggier than they've been in the past. Isn't that interesting?

[Carson Olshansky]

That's so interesting.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, that's so interesting. And also, I have to go now. Right? Like, she's left. I have to go. So, Tessa, like, darts.

[Carson Olshansky]

Wait, just quickly, did we get a close enough view to see whether the piercing count is the same as it's always been and whether there are any new tattoos?

[Kelsey McKinney]

We did not. We are across the street.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay, go on.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa goes over. She, like, darts in. She's looking around. There's like, you know, Christmas scented candles and, like, weird wooden objects and, like, those tiny leather pouches that I don't know what they're for. And finally, she finds the handbag, and it is embroidered on the outside with, like, native flowers and, like, several little pigs. And there's, like, a card to the side with, like, a bio for the artist.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And then she looks at the price, and it is $60.

[Carson Olshansky]

All right.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa is like, I'm a college kid. Like, I don't have $60.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh. Her dad didn't give her money.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Her dad did not give her money. And she's like, I'm not spending $60 out of my, like, debit account.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

If we have not discussed me getting reimbursed for this.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Do you agree with that?

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. I'd probably call my dad and be like, hey, yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa's like, I'm gonna call my dad. I'm gonna figure this out. But before she can call her dad, Erica returns from her break.

[Carson Olshansky]

I'm so surprised.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What a surprise. And Tessa is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She ducks behind a row of postcards. She sneaks out the door. She tries to, like, dart out of it really fast, but like many shops, it has a bell on the fucking door. So when she goes out, it's like, bing.

[Carson Olshansky]

She hasn't scoped this out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Not at all.

[Carson Olshansky]

Tessa, rookie move.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She runs to the car. She's like, out of breath. What do you do at this point?

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, I call my dad, I confirm that I'm gonna be able to get the money back. I go back in there.

[Kelsey McKinney]

You're going back.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh, my God. Hi, Erica. We've already established that. I don't think this is a good enough. You know, I think this avoidance has passed the point of reasonable. I mean, or even, like. Because obviously even the first avoidance is not, like, reasonable.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Sure.

[Carson Olshansky]

But at least to me, it's somewhat sympathetic.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

My sympathies have. Are kind of running out.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. I also think it's like there is a version of avoiding someone that is, like, creating an advantage for yourself. Right. Like, you're like, I want to see them when I look hot. In a situation where I'm prepared to see them. Like, that is like creating power for yourself at this point. Every moment that you don't see her is self sabotage.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right. Like you're creating bad things for yourself in this avoidance. Tess is like, I can't do it. She drives home and she's like, I cannot buy the handbag, dad. Like, mom will never forgive you for buying a handbag. She's at this point reaching. She's like, it's ridiculous for a handbag to cost $60. This is true.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, also, mom will talk about it constantly for the rest of our lives and ruin everything. And in her heart, she's like, I cannot go back in there.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And her dad is like, I'll give you the money. Why didn't you just call me? And I would have, like, reimbursed. I would have told you that I would reimburse you. And Tess is like, no, I don't want to do it. I don't want to get the handbag. And her dad's like, how much? And Tess is like, what? And he's like, if I gave you a hundred dollars in cash and you got to keep $40 for yourself, would you do this?

[Carson Olshansky]

Would I? Yeah. I mean, I already would have done it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, yeah, now you're being paid.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa's like, fine. Like, $40 is a lot for me. I want a treat. I'm a college student. She's like, here's the deal. $40 and you take my involvement in this to the grave. Like, do not tell Mom. He's. Despite being a Virgo, I'm not one of those people who, like, has all of their gift giving done in July. Like, I think it makes sense to do that. And I think if I was more prepared, I could maybe do it, but I'm not and I don't. And so usually what happens is right after Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, I remember that the holidays exist and that I have to make a huge list of everyone who I love and that I am terrified trying to figure out what I'm going to do to get them holiday presents. If you also have this problem, it's okay that you didn't get all your holiday shopping done as early as you hoped, because way is making it easy to give way better gifts this holiday. Their hair and body products are specifically designed to customize a routine that works for you and personalize a gift for everyone on your list. I think the whey products that I probably use the most is the salt spray. It makes my hair look very beautiful and wavy and like I have just emerged from the ocean. And it's especially important to be using nice products on your hair in the winter when it's so cold and the air is so dry and all of your hair will become like a little piece of wheat if you don't use a nice thing on it. Give way better gifts with bestsellers like Ouai's Leave in conditioner. It detangles, hydrates, and fights frizz. For every type of hair on your list, try giving the Detox shampoo, which cleanses product buildup, hard water deposits, dirt, oil and other impurities, or even the hair oil. It's nutrient packed, absorbs quickly, keeps color from fading, and revives damaged hair easily. Save 15% site wide when you give the gift of whey whether the person on your list has fine, medium, or thick hair or multiple hair concerns. Ways got you. Get on your way to save for the holiday. Go to t h e o u a I.com for 15% off site wide and enter promo code gossip. That's t h e o u a I dot com for 15% off with code gossip. Everyone knows that we are entering the dreaded gift giving season. It is time to buy gifts for your loved ones, your friends, your acquaintances, people that you don't even like. It's so hard to find a gift that's, like, cute and nice and not, like, a boring thing that everyone else is getting. And Uncommon Goods makes it less stressful with incredible handpicked gifts for everyone on your list, all in one spot. Gifts that spark, joy, wonder, delight. And that it's exactly what I wanted feeling. For example, I bought myself a gift on Uncommon Goods, and the gift that I bought for myself are these little rocks that have ghost faces on them. When they showed up, I could tell that they were homemade in the cutest little way. Someone had drilled these little faces into my rocks. I love them. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They donated more than $3 million to date. To get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com gossip that's UncommonGoods.com gossip for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods were all out of the ordinary. Now it is the third day, and she must return to the town.

[Carson Olshansky]

Does she get even cuter than the second day?

[Kelsey McKinney]

She sure does.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She gets even cuter. It's like, hair done, light makeup. Like, we're looking great. How do you play this?

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, I'm going in there, I'm looking cute. I'm making fun of my dad to her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

We're laughing together. We're exchanging numbers. We're getting coffee to catch up on all that we've missed. Oh, you know, like, how's college?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. Game. I love it. Tessa is, like, delusional. A hundred percent, right? And she's like, my plan actually worked last time. I was just too slow. Okay, so again, she goes and sits in the coffee shop. She's, like, wearing giant sunglasses. She's wearing a hat, right? She's got, like, a newspaper. No one reads the newspaper. She's waiting for Erica to leave. Finally, Erica leaves. She, like, hurries across the street. Tessa finds the handbag and her dad was like, get the cream ham bag. But now she's looking, and there's also, like, a gorgeous olive color. And she's like, that's my mom's favorite color. So she's like, it. I'm making myself complicit. I'm getting the green.

[Carson Olshansky]

No, don't do it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Why? This is.

[Carson Olshansky]

Because your hands are so clean. Like, don't have any role in this. Let it be your dad's problem.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa picks up the green one. Just as she picks it up, she has learned from her past mistakes. And so she hears the bell on the shop door ding. And Erica has returned from her break. And Erica is like, oh, my God, Tessa, you're back.

[Carson Olshansky]

Uh huh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa's like, oh, my God, Erica, hi. Just, like, for the break. And then Erica hugs her. And Tessa is swooning, right? Like, she's like, my knees feel weak. My tongue is maybe dead. Like, I can never say anything at all. And Erica's like, can I help you, like, find anything? Tessa's holding an olive green $60 handbag in her hands, and she's like, yeah, I'm looking for a ham bag. Erica, like, looks at her, looks at the handbag, looks back up at her, and is like, I think you've found it. And Tess is like, ha, ha ha, ha ha. Yeah, I mean, that's. This is what I'm gonna get. And Erica's like, oh, you're getting the handbag. And Tess is like, yes, I'm getting the handbag. And Erica's like, everyone is obsessed with the handbag this year. And Tess is like, it's a beautiful ham bag. And Erica's like, yeah, it keeps the ham so moist. It's a real dream.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is my nightmare.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Why is this your nightmare?

[Carson Olshansky]

Just ending up, like, this far into a conversation that, like, I know this feeling. You're just saying words to, not.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

Be silent in private, you know, like, because you have to say words now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

And so you end up this far into a conversation that you know that they're bored by. Because you're bored by it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. This is also where I'm like, you need a wingband. Right? Like, if you're going into this situation where you have to interact with your crush, like, you need a friend to just, like, elbow you as hard as they can in the ribs. When you start saying things like, it's a beautiful ham bag. Yeah. Tessa's like, I want to die. Right? Like, she's with you. She's like, this is terrible. This is awful. I'm now having a, like, extended conversation about a handbag with this girl I have always thought is cute, who has a septum ring.

[Carson Olshansky]

Huge.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She's like, that makes this worse somehow.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yes.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Erica's like, okay, great. I'm so glad you found the handbag. Like, is there anything else I can get you?

[Carson Olshansky]

Just ask Erica a single question about her life. Just one.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Just one. That would be a great idea. Tessa looks frantically around, and she's like. She sees a bunch of teapots, and she's like, yeah, I need a individual teapot. No, she does not need this.

[Carson Olshansky]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

But once she said it, Erica leads her over there and is like, there go her $40.

[Carson Olshansky]

And then some.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Ding, ding, ding. Erica picks one up and puts it in Tess's hands. And Tess is like, are we. Are we touching hands? We're touching hands. And Tess is like, oh, my God. It's so cute because it's like an individual teapot. It's little. And Erica is like, yeah, very. But she's looking at Tessa. Is this flirting?

[Carson Olshansky]

Like, not enough information to say so far, but it's not discouragement.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Hmm. Tessa's like, huh? She's like, I'll take it. Because she's like, I want. Yes, I'll take this. It is $40.

[Carson Olshansky]

Tessa.

[Kelsey McKinney]

No.

[Carson Olshansky]

Don't keep giving up your power.

[Kelsey McKinney]

What do you mean?

[Carson Olshansky]

Just, like, you don't need to say yes to, like, be your own person in that space, you know?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

Don't just try to guess what she would want you to do and then spend all the money you have trying to do that.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This is such good advice. But it's also really good advice that comes from being in your 20s, like, being 19, being still in college. You think that the way to get someone to love you is to become the version of a person that they want.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah, absolutely. You read every book they even mention in passing.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Exactly. And it's like, actually, that's not what people want. Like, no, just be who you are. But she cannot. She's like, whatever. I'm spending the $40 that I got in my dad's money on this weird little teapot.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

She goes to the counter, and Erica's like, I'm kind of, like, surprised that you're getting a handbag.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yes. Make fun of the handbag. Just make fun of the handbag.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa's like, oh, my dad wants me to get it for my mom. Like, I don't know. He's like, on one. Like, I'm just here on a Mission. And Eric is like, oh, that. That makes perfect sense to me, actually. You're not the first one in here this week doing that. And Erica's like, is the teapot also for your mom? And Tessa's like, oh, no, no. The teapot is for me, actually. How are you feeling about this interaction?

[Carson Olshansky]

Um, like, moderately, but not severely negative.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. Okay. It could be worse, I guess. Tessa pays with her cash. And Erica's like, it was so good to see you. And Tessa's like, it's good to see you, too. And Erica's like, merry Christmas. Enjoy your handbag. And Tessa's like, you, too.

[Carson Olshansky]

God, Tessa, just ask her one question about herself. You'll get an answer. That's the kind of thing of like, okay, I know you. I wanted to hear so much more about that, but I know you have to work. Would love to get coffee before I go back to school. See, just.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It's great that you have game. Tessa does not have any. Tessa's in the car, like, you know, looking at that little mirror that's, like, in the flip visor and being like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, why did you say, you, too? When she said, enjoy your handbag, why didn't you ask her one? Like, what is wrong with you? You now have the handbag, and you have the teapot. Are you feeling good?

[Carson Olshansky]

No.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, cool. Tessa doesn't feel good either. She feels insane. She speeds home. She, like, sneaks in the handbag in her tote bag. She, like, tells her dad where it is. And later, her dad is like, it's a little bit smaller than I was expecting. Do you think mom will still like it? And Tess is like, I never thought she would like it. And her dad's like, I also said to get the cream one. And Tessa's like, I really think she'll like the olive green one better. But truly, I think she would hate it even if it was custom designed for her. And her dad's like, okay, don't worry about it. By this point, it is Christmas Eve. Tessa is, like, sitting in her room replaying the conversation with her crush when her mom comes in.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Her mom sees the teapot, like, on the little table and is like, oh, my God, everything in that store is a waste of money. I do not want you spending your money in there on stupid little things. And Tess is like, okay, thank you. And her mom sighs. And you know when your mom, like, starts off with, like, a light conversation, and then her face becomes very serious, and it's like, oh, so that was just lead up to the thing that you actually wanted to talk to me about.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The mom is like, my friend owns the coffee shop in town, and she says that you've been in there every day this week, staring longingly out the window, wearing sunglasses, scoping out the shopee shop. How do you want to respond to this, huh?

[Carson Olshansky]

Was Tessa's crush on Erica known to her parents?

[Kelsey McKinney]

Oh, yes, it was.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay then. Yeah. I just say, okay, fine. Erica works there, and I was trying to avoid her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa is like, what? I'm not allowed to go to a coffee shop?

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And her mom is like, well, my friend also said that Erica works in the shopping shop across the street. And Tess is like, that's crazy. I didn't know that. And her mom's like, babe, it's, like, not healthy for you to drive out there day after day and, like, spend all your money on stupid things so that you can, like, pine after. Erica, is there anything more mortifying than, like, this conversation in your mind?

[Carson Olshansky]

Probably, but I'd have to work hard to think of it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The conversation with your parents about a crush is bad. Conversation with your parents about a crush that you're failing at is worse.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. And a crush that reminds you of who you don't want to be anymore.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Right. It's like, you can imagine that they've had a similar kind of conversation before.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa's like, I know that she's not wrong, but this is, like, awful.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

The next day, they drive to her aunt's house. Tessa sits in the back with the wrapped handbag. They arrive, for the most part, everything's great. Tessa's drinking Prosecco. She's like, this is fine. Like, everyone else's gifts go great. Everyone likes them. Her dad opens, like, a nice new polo he hates. He's like, what an extravagant waist. These are the wrong colors. He puts it on. It looks great. Everyone's rolling their eyes. The very last person to open their present is her mother. Are you worried? What's.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. I have, like, a knot of dread in my stomach, and, like, I want to believe that this is not my problem, but ultimately, I'm having trouble letting go of it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Tessa's mom picks it up. She pulls off the wrapping paper. She pulls out the handbag, and there is just, like, silence.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Everyone in this room, right. Extended family, is looking at this handbag. And then Tessa's mother, her shoulders begin to move, and she begins to cry.

[Carson Olshansky]

Oh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Tessa is like, oh, my God. I fucking told him. Like, I told him that this was wrong. I told him that this would break her. Like, she's broken. She's crying. She can't even do the fucking bit that they usually do. This is so bad. And then her mom is, like, touching the embroidered pigs, and she's like, they're so beautiful.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. This dad knows his wife, God damn it.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Her eyes are shining. She's looking at her husband. She's like, how did you know she loves the handbag? She's like, I've been envying it in the window for weeks. She's like, I'm so excited to tell my friends. Like, they've all. We've all been lusting after the handbag. Like, the only thing that could be better is if it had been the cream one. And Tessa is like, God damn it. Like, this whole interaction, and she's, like, thrilled we've broken this terrible ruse.

[Carson Olshansky]

Uh huh.

[Kelsey McKinney]

How are you feeling now?

[Carson Olshansky]

Relieved. Like a weight has been lifted.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay, good. I love that for you. On the ride home, her mom's, like, giving her shit. She's like, do you want to stop in the town and see Erica? Maybe you could spend some more of your money not asking her out. Could be fun for us. Do you tell her that you were only going for her handbag, which she loves you do.

[Carson Olshansky]

I mean, there's no reason not to now.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes.

[Carson Olshansky]

It wouldn't absolve me of the part where I went three days in a row with, like, staring, but at least it would absolve me of the idea that I was going just to see her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah. Tessa's like, I did this for you. Like, yeah. This wasn't about Erica. I had to be strategic because I didn't want you to see. And her mom's like, oh, my God.

[Carson Olshansky]

Wow.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I can't believe it took multiple days and a steak out to get the handbag. Thank you so much for doing that. You worked so hard.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

We are finally almost at the end. Whose side are you on? How do you feel?

[Carson Olshansky]

I'm on Erica's side.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Okay. Why?

[Carson Olshansky]

All she's done is had a little queer awakening and been a pleasure.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Mm. Mm. Do you have any hopes or dreams for how this could end?

[Carson Olshansky]

I just. I think that even if there's nothing romantic is going to happen between them, I get the sense that this is a small town.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yeah.

[Carson Olshansky]

That it's not a place where there's a lot of queer community. I want them to have another queer person at home who they can hang out with when they're in town.

[Kelsey McKinney]

I think that is a great hope for them. In the end, Tessa did take the teapot back, and she was like, I'm so sorry. I don't want this teapot. Even though it was very cute. I just didn't know how to tell you that. I just, like, I bought it because I wanted to talk to you.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And Erica's like, that's totally fine. I kind of thought that that's what was happening, to be honest. And Tessa's like, okay, great. Can I have my 40 back? And Erica's like, yes. And then tessa used her $40 to take Erica on a date.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

And it was awful. They had absolutely no romantic chemistry.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is amazing. She's released from this hold that it had on her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Tess is like, oh, my God. This is actually better than me falling in love with her because she lives on the other side of the world and I'm free.

[Carson Olshansky]

This is the best possible scenario.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. And now you have a queer friend in town who you don't have to date.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Which is the dream.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah.

[Kelsey McKinney]

It has now been two years since the handbag Christmas. The handbag is beloved. Everyone compliments the handbag at all times. It gets hand washed very gently with a special brush. Gets hung dry only the next day. Ham sandwiches are the best ones that this family has ever had, apparently. And last year, for Christmas, Tessa had a girl to bring home.

[Carson Olshansky]

Yeah. Someone willing to fly across oceans to come home with her.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Yes. Very serious relationship. And, you know, she got to bring her home. And of course, the girlfriend is like, what's up with this handbag? And the problem with the handbag now is that it gives her mom an excuse to tell her new girlfriend all about Erica. And so now everyone calls Erica handbag Girl.

[Carson Olshansky]

So my pick is the loser of.

[Kelsey McKinney]

This story, in a way, inside this family, she's the loser of the story. But she's still friends with Tessa, so it's like, it didn't end up so bad.

[Carson Olshansky]

But are they the kind of friends where Tessa can say like, hey, just so you know, everyone in my family calls you handbag girl.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Definitely.

[Carson Olshansky]

Okay, awesome.

[Kelsey McKinney]

Like, my new girlfriend calls you handbag girl is always a good sign that your new girlfriend does not see your friend as competition. Yeah. Which is great. Yeah. And that is the end of our story. Happy Hamus. Carson, thank you so much for coming on. It was a delight to have you.

[Carson Olshansky]

Thank you for having me.

[Madeline]

Thank you for listening to normal gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normal gossip defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP if you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normal gossip.com you can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok @ normal gossip you can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKenna Kelsey this podcast was produced by Alex Sujan Loft, Ozzie Linus Goodman and J. Tol Vieira. Justin Ellis is Defector's project's editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors business guys. Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Lay is our Editor in Chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art thank you to Rachel Hampton, Brandi Jensen, Sabrina Imbler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, Heather Chen, Ray Ratto, David Roth, Catherine Hsu, Jasper Wang, Israel Daramola and Patrick Redford for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Madeline and remember you did not hear this from me.

[Alex Sujong Laughlin]

Radiotopia from PRX.