Last Rites and Kia Boys with Nadira Goffe

Summary

Podcast Summary: Normal Gossip

Episode: "Last Rites and Kia Boys with Nadira Goffe"

Date: August 5, 2026
Host: Rachelle Hampton
Guest: Nadira Goffe

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of Normal Gossip kicks off Season 10 with returning favorite guest Nadira Goffe, a witty Slate culture writer. Host Rachelle Hampton and Nadira gather in person to dig into a story that blends meme-worthy internet lore ("Kia Boys"), car theft, Atlanta funerals, and the chaos of supporting a loved one through a tough day. The result is a hilarious, empathetic, and very relatable tale about love, loss, and the small crises that become gossip legend.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Catching Up & Listener Q&A (00:41–07:12)

• Rachelle introduces Nadira, referencing her past appearances (including a notorious "perpetual stew" episode) and their fond rapport.
• Nadira gives an update about her infamous spoiler-filled 16th birthday party ("Does your mom Nicole know you know?" – Nicole, if you’re listening, you’re a legend.) [02:09]
• Both swap bodily function horror stories: Rachelle recounts contracting norovirus for the first time as an adult ("I remember having the thought, something evil is in my body right now." – Rachelle, 04:03), while Nadira details her frequent nosebleeds and how bodily fluids can unnerve the uninitiated.
• The duo laugh over mutual trauma, commemorating the joys of TMI storytelling and bodily solidarity.

2. Guest & Host on Driving Anxieties (11:15–12:45)

• Both Rachelle and Nadira express anxiety around driving, with neither currently maintaining a license. Nadira’s last drive was pre-pandemic and Rachelle’s story includes a three-times-missed driver’s test. ("Driving gives me anxiety. I feel like we don't really engage enough with how dangerous it is as a concept." – Rachelle, 11:45)

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3. The Main Gossip Story: Dana, Sammy, and the Kia Boys

Story Setup:
At the center is Dana, a lifelong non-city-dweller whose pride and joy is a bright blue 2018 Kia Soul called "Samwise" (or "Sammy"). Her partner, Bri, is endlessly charismatic and supportive.

a. Dana’s Relationship with Her Car (12:51–15:22)

• Dana dreams of car ownership from a young age (“Like, she's 20, but she feels a little bit like three kids in a trench coat when she drives off the lot with her brand new, bright blue 2018 Kia Soul.” – Rachelle, 13:35)
• Car's name ("Samwise") comes from Lord of the Rings ("Samwise Gamgee is basically like the definition of a ride or die ass bitch." – Rachelle, 15:36)
• The car is a “ride or die” friend through relationships, college, and cross-country moves.

b. The Setup – Roadtrip to Atlanta for a Funeral (16:49–18:46)

• Dana and Bri travel to Atlanta for Bri's old track coach’s funeral (“This is the first funeral they have been to together. Dana wants to take care of Bri and take as much stress out of the situation as possible.” – Rachelle, 18:30)
• Support in grief is discussed, including Nadira’s advice: "Just listen to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, not what you think they need..." (18:46)

c. The Car Goes Missing – Enter the "Kia Boys" (19:19–22:19)

• Dana goes to get the car ready before the funeral and finds it stolen.
• The hosts unpack the "Kia Boys" phenomenon—a viral TikTok challenge exploiting a security flaw in certain Kia and Hyundai models, leading to a wave of thefts. ("The issue is you spend much time covering the Internet. You're like, what are they doing now?" – Nadira, 20:16)

d. Dana’s Airtag Gamble (21:24–23:30)

• Dana, paranoid since the Kia Boys went viral, secreted an Airtag under Sammy’s backseat. Now, she tracks the car’s location in real-time.
• Bri wisely suggests they call the police before taking vigilante action. The police dispatcher is notably unhelpful (“I told you to come into the station and file a police report, not be Inspector Gadget.” – Police dispatcher, 41:34)

e. Logistical Hiccups & Black Funeral Time (30:13–34:07)

• The duo struggles to find affordable transport to the funeral; Bri's late-running friend Tiffany comes in clutch but characteristically late.
• The episode delves into "Black time" at funerals and cultural expectations—including long programs, delays, and the reverend's tendency to improvise ("...my aunt was late to her own wedding...time for us is a construct..." – Nadira, 34:55).

f. The Stakeout & Chase (39:00–46:52)

• The group spots Dana's car, now Mad Max-ed by a group of teens ("The car is overflowing with people. There are at least six kids in there, possibly more..." – Rachelle, 39:00)
• Tiffany gives chase but the girls keep it safe, gathering photos rather than escalating into confrontation.
• The police remain nonresponsive ("She not even Inspector Gadget. She don't even got a little handy dandy tool." – Nadira, 41:49).

g. Real-Time Chaos: Reclaiming Sammy (49:07–53:47)

• Group finally finds the Kia, abandoned in an alley, with destroyed door and exposed wiring, and full of Hot Cheeto dust ("Her precious car is full of trash and hot Cheeto dust." – Rachelle, 49:57).
• Realizes they don't know how to start a car that's been hotwired. ("You Google an incognito mode, and then I would make sure I had the keys, and I would make sure I have pepper spray, at least." – Nadira, 37:19)
• Through a YouTube tutorial (found by Googling "how to steal a 2018 Kia Soul"), a phone charger, and quick thinking, they get Sammy running.

h. Resolution at the Funeral & Aftermath (53:47–58:01)

• Arrive at the funeral just in time; despite being nearly two hours late, the program (true to Black southern funeral form) isn’t done. ("Girl, you're good. The spirit hit the organist during the musical selection. The Saints started shouting." – Group chat teammate, 51:50)
• At the repast, Tiffany tells EVERYONE the story. Dana is approached by people wanting "tips" on car-boosting.
• The police only become helpful when given a direct line from someone at the funeral who's connected.
• Final "wrap": Dana gets a new security-improved car (a Volvo as an engagement gift!). Bri and Dana are now engaged, but "Sammy" is finally retired after the ordeal.

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Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• "I just really—you're still working through it. I need to exercise some demons from my body, clearly." (Rachelle, 04:19)
• "Girls can hotwire Kias too...Equal opportunity." (Nadira, 20:58)
• "I'm not huffing and puffing. Like, I don't have anything to bolster me against teens." (Nadira, 39:40)
• "Famously, only good things have ever happened in alleys." (Nadira, 45:07)
• "You can't boost your own car." (Dana, 55:46)
• "Children can be villains, especially bored ones, and I do think they are the villain here...However, Miss Girl at the police station, I would like to have words." (Nadira, 56:03)
• "Always eat at the repast." (Nadira, 57:18)
• "The Sammy's guts were out. He was geriatric and his guts were out. Of course they did." (Nadira, 57:38)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |--------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 00:41–07:12 | Banter, bodily function stories, friendship update | | 11:15–12:45 | Host and guest discuss driving fears | | 12:51–17:22 | Introducing Dana, her car, and Bri | | 19:19–22:19 | Car theft, "Kia Boys" explained | | 23:30–29:11 | First police call, funeral planning stress | | 30:13–34:07 | Finding a ride; timeliness and Black funerals | | 39:00–41:30 | Spotting the car, following at a distance | | 44:47–46:52 | Alley stakeout, repeated police calls | | 49:07–53:47 | Finding and re-stealing the car, using YouTube | | 55:05–58:01 | Post-funeral gossip, resolutions, final updates |

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Tone and Style

The episode is cheeky, irreverent, and affectionate—full of cultural references, internet humor, and a “we survived, now let’s gossip” energy. Both host and guest balance jokes about chaos ("black math" for lateness, Mad Max references) and generous, heartfelt advice about relationships and boundaries. The conversational, joke-rich style and deep familiarity between Rachelle and Nadira make the entire episode feel like part slumber party, part group therapy, part masterclass in storytelling.

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Conclusion

This episode’s story of Dana, Bri, and the indomitable Kia Soul "Sammy" is packed with wild turns, real emotional insight, and killer one-liners. The hosts’ playful yet grounding banter draws out the absurdity of everyday disasters and the importance of community, love, and a willingness to "just Google it." Comedic, chaotic, and ultimately heartwarming, this Normal Gossip tale is an ode to chosen family, black funerals, and the enduring power of a good gossip session.

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Notable Final Quote:
"You didn't hear this from me." (Rachelle, 59:38)

Transcript

[A]

This is Ira Glass on this American Life.

[B]

One thing we like is a good

[A]

mystery sometimes about really big things, things you hear in the news. But most times the little mysteries are the best.

[B]

Our lost and found is currently filled with pants.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I've never seen this happen.

[A]

I've got skirts.

[B]

I've got shorts.

[A]

This is true. This is true.

[B]

Mysteries of every size each week. This American Life.

[A]

Wherever you get your podcasts.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. What? Oh, my gosh.

[A]

What? Hello, and welcome Back to season 10 of Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today's gossip is a normal gossip legend at this point. I am so, so happy to say that today's guest is Nadira Goff. Nadira is a staff writer of culture at Slate. You may know her from her sharp takes on the latest Netflix hit or is a mainstay on our RSS feeds. You also may remember how we traumatized Nadira back in season eight with the perpetual Stew episode. She's done bonus episodes and subscriber episodes with us and she even flew out to Portland and gossiped with us when we went on tour. So it is probably extremely obvious that she was one of my favorite people to gossip with in all of the world. Nadira. Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Thank you so much for joining me again.

[B]

Thanks for having me again.

[A]

I'm really excited. We are actually in person for the first time in a long time. We can actually, like, we can hold space. We can hold space.

[B]

We can hold space.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And that's beautiful and necessary even if it is a dated reference.

[A]

And you know what? It's never too dated for me. So you have been on Normal Gossip a few times at this point. You have given me gossip multiple times. So. So I'm going to ask you one follow up question to your previous gossip and then I'm going to do something that I normally don't do, which is give you and the audience a little bit of gossip about me. So first, does your mom Nicole know that you know.

[B]

Okay, so a few people have asked me this and I don't think so, which is so funny because I know that she listens to my work and she reads my work, but she's never mentioned it and I've been too scared to ask. I don't know. I feel like if she knew that my 16th birthday party was spoiled. She would have mentioned it by now, which makes me think that she doesn't know. But I'm not poking that bear.

[A]

Wow. I love that we are uncovering gossip once again on this podcast. Just for listeners who did not have the absolute honor of listening to that episode with Nadira. She told us a beautiful story where in which you relayed to us that your 16th birthday party, which was a surprise for some theoretically, but importantly not for you. Your mom did not know that when you were 16. Nor when you told us the story. And seemingly not. Maybe still not now. Okay, well, keep us updated. I do want to know if she

[B]

ever brings it up. Maybe if she watches this. Yes, if she ever brings it up, I'll let you know.

[A]

There we go. There we go. Nicole Heim, I'm a big fan of your work. Well, I'm gonna do something I never do, which is reveal something about my personal life. So a little bit of lore about me that people are always fascinated to hear is that I also trigger warning here for throw up, vomit, whatever you wanna call it. I didn't throw up until I was 22 years old.

[B]

How'd that work?

[A]

Yeah, that's always the question people have. I don't know. It wasn't that I wasn't ill as a child. Cause I certainly was. I just never had the pleasure of throwing up until I was in my twenties.

[B]

The pleasure.

[A]

The pleasure. And I just didn't drink a lot as a person in college. And so I developed a mild phobia of vomit and then got over that when I got food poisoning. And I'm bringing this up because I recently had the extremely pleasant experience of having norovirus for the first time and hopefully the last girl.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

It better be the last time. Yeah, it was a lot. Quite frankly, it was less than 48 hours ago at this point. And so I just really?

[B]

You're still working through it.

[A]

I need to exercise some demons from my body, clearly. So I thought I simply had food poisoning once again, which for me is usually like a one and done situation. And by one and done, I mean after I vomited for the first time at 22, I vomited one more time after that at the age of like 27. And this was maybe the third time that I vomited in my life. So I was like, ah, I'm used to this. I've done this before. And then I was like, no, wait, something else is wrong. I remember having the thought, something evil is in My body right now. And there was just a moment where I finished. There's no polite way to say this. Shitting my guts out, right? Only to flush the toilet, turn around, spew bile, fall to the bathroom floor and think I'm dying. But I wasn't.

[B]

But still you rise. But still I rise.

[A]

And so I just felt like sharing that story with you because I feel like the last time you were here, I traumatized you with a story of vomit inducing proportions, I would say. And I just. I wanted to even the score between us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To let you know that I too traumatized myself. It's not just you.

[B]

That's so funny you say that though, because not to get all bodily liquid with me.

[A]

Listen, I started this, we're on a roll, we might as well get here. And I gave a trigger warning in

[B]

a much more tame version of Bodily fluids. I'm someone who is very prone to nosebleeds. I get nosebleeds all the time.

[A]

I used to get them as a kid a lot.

[B]

And I didn't realize until, I don't know, college or meeting other people that not everyone has that experience and that they actually scare people and they think that something's happening to you because they themselves have never had a nosebleed. And so I had a nosebleed one time because I was studying abroad in England and it was dreary and rainy and cold outside, but in the classroom it was really warm and dry, which can cause a nosebleed if you're prone to them. And everyone like sitting near my table was like, are you okay? Are you okay?

[A]

Are you okay, love?

[B]

Are you okay? And I was like, I'm. Yeah, girl. This happens to me when I jump off the high dive, which I haven't done since I was 10. I don't know why I said that, but you know, like, it happens. And so, yeah, bodily fluids can scare people. It's happened to me now. It's happened to you. I'm sorry to welcome you into that club though.

[A]

I was texting a friend about this and I was like, it was harrowing. It was also bracing in the sense of I definitely went through something.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I'm happy you're feeling better and I'm happy that we can be here together holding space.

[A]

So glad that we could be here together holding space. Yes. So that's my self gossip, which I usually never provide for you guys. Well, now that I've perhaps traumatized the audience and you again. But that's okay. That's what I'm here for. Are you ready for some gossip?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This one's a wild ride, Y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

It is officially pasta salad season. I personally love a pesto pasta salad. I have not changed the recipe for years, though I am updating it this year with Herobred's new Hero Noodles. They taste just like regular noodles, except they have 32 grams of fiber, 12 grams of protein, and just 80 calories per serving. This is huge for me. I am always trying to find ways to get more fiber into my diet. Like a chia seed hates to see me coming. But, like, I also want carbs and I want noodles and I want my pasta salad. So now I get to have my pasta salad and all those beautiful things and I get my fiber in. Truly. What is better than that? You would never know that Herobred's products are 0 to 5 grams net carbs and 11 to 32 grams of fiber from the texture and taste. So all your favorite recipes are covered with Herobreads, sliced bread loaves, tortillas, bagels and noodles. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co and use code Gossip at checkout. That's Code Gossip. E R O C O y', all, I am so excited to tell you about this rug that I purchased from Wayfair. It's like a red oriental rug from Safavia. I love it so much. I moved around my entire living room just to put it down by myself. By the way, that's how much I love this rug. And ever since then, I swear to God, it has changed the vibe of the entire room. It feels so cozy now. Like, I can't wait for fall when I can be, like, burning candles and putting on a little fireplace on my tv and it feels really high quality. And best of all, my cat Oliver loves it, too. So if you are looking to upgrade your space, whether that's your dorm room or your living room or your outdoor space or truly any room that you have access to, go to Wayfair. They have every product you could possibly need. And you can also join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home Upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I R.com Wayfair Every style every Home Wayfair Every Style Every Home. I just got out of a therapy session that I have literally been counting down the minutes to since Sunday, and my therapy's on Tuesday, so I am one of those people, people who will tell you how important therapy is for my life. I truly do not think that I could do this job without the help of my therapist. GROW connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the US offering both virtual and in person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters like insurance, specialty, identity or availability and get started in as little as two days. If there's something in your life you'd like to change, Growth therapy can help you start. There are no subscriptions, no long term commitments, you just pay per session. The thing that I love about GrowTherapy is that they even accept Medicare, which a lot of therapy apps and websites don't. The therapist you want takes Your insurance on Grow Grow accepts over 125 insurance plans. Sessions average about $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Visit growtherapy.comgossip today to get started. That's growtherapy.comgossip growththerapy.com gossip availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. So before we get into today's story, I have to ask you a very important question, which is how do you feel about driving?

[B]

Oh, driving gives me massive anxiety. I drove for my junior and senior year of undergrad and then I went on one cross country road trip with my best friend in 2018 and I haven't driven since. Yeah, I, I moved to England, did grad school, came back, did the pandemic, moved to New York, did public transportation. So I haven't had to drive since then. And thinking about driving makes me want to drive off a cliff.

[A]

I feel a similar way. I feel like I've maybe said before on the show, I do not drive. I do not have a license. I went through driver's ed in high school. I scheduled my little test thrice. My father either forgot or simply had a meeting come up. Thrice. Thrice. Literally thrice. And after three times as a 16 year old, I was like, you tell me when you're free. And here I am with no license to speak of. But I feel a similar way. Driving gives me anxiety. I feel like we don't really engage enough with how dangerous it is as a concept. I took an Uber here and I was like, I appreciate the fact that you are zooming around all these cars and backing up down streets to get me where I'm going, but I'm glad that you're the one behind the wheel and I'm the one back here because I just simply feel like I shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. It's not good for me or other people. Well, our friend of a friend today is not like us. She is a capital D driver.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And she has wanted to be this way since she was but a young child.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Our friend of the friend today is named Dana.

[B]

Shout out Dana, Capital D driver.

[A]

And Dana grew up in the middle of nowhere. So basically, from the moment she hit puberty, her deepest desire was to own a car. Every time she had to ask her parents for a ride or walk the four miles home from her job at Sonic, she would daydream about how her life would be different when she got her own car. She'd be able to see all of her friends. She able to go to Sephora whenever she wanted, which is also what I thought adulthood was. So when the day finally comes for Dana to buy her own car after years of saving up her Sonic paycheck and a little help from her grandparents, it is legitimately one of the best days of Dana's life. It's her first big adult purchase. Like, she's 20, but she feels a little bit like three kids in a trench coat when she dries off the lot with her brand new, bright blue 2018 Kia Soul.

[B]

Wow. Cute. The ads for the Kia Souls back in the day used to really, really cater to our demographic. I think, like, I really wanted one. They had all those ads about having good speakers and stuff.

[A]

For some reason, I thought the Kia Soul commercial was the one with the hamsters. It is. And they had.

[B]

Yes, it is. And then they had. And then I think they had, like, a Kia Soul that had, like, beats in it. Like beats speakers in it or something.

[A]

This is ringing a bell.

[B]

And I. And it was really cute. And I was watching TV with and we saw the ad, and she was like, you want that, don't you? And I said, I do. I was a victim to the propaganda. I understand Dana. I do.

[A]

So I, along with not knowing how to drive, also know nothing about cars, which becomes a problem when I order an Uber, and I'm like, what's a Toyota Kia?

[B]

I don't know any make or model besides a Kia Soul because of the hamster commercial.

[A]

Okay. I was gonna ask, what are your feelings about Dana's choice of car, but it sounds like you support because of the hamster commercial.

[B]

I do support knowing absolutely nothing about the quality of the car. If they are bad cars, then I don't support. What I do support is asking someone who knows better what type of car you should buy. Because what's a Honda Odyssey? I couldn't tell you.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I couldn't tell you.

[A]

I couldn't tell you.

[B]

What's a hatchback? Do they still make those? Do backs still hatch? I really couldn't tell you.

[A]

This 2018 bright blue Kia Soul becomes one of Dana's two most important companions in her life. It sees her through relationships and breakups, through college, and not just one, but two cross country moves. This car has stuck with Dana through thick and thin, which is why Dana has named her car Samwise, or Sammy for short. It sounds like you get that joke. Can you explain it?

[B]

Lord of the Rings.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Lord of the Rings.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

If you don't know, go, well, finish this and then go watch Lord of the Rings.

[A]

Spend the next 12 hours of your life watching Lord of the Rings, having

[B]

second breakfasts or whatever.

[A]

I think all my mental illness would be cured if I could live with the hobbits in the Shire. Exactly. For those who aren't familiar and don't have 12 hours of their life to spend, Samwise Gamgee is basically like the definition of a ride or die ass bitch. Like, the ring would not be destroyed without Sam. Frodo is kind of just there.

[B]

He's just there to look pretty.

[A]

Those big ass blue eyes.

[B]

We love you, Elijah Wood.

[A]

We do. Will you wear wigs? So Dana's first most important companion is Samwise the car. Her other most important companion is her girlfriend, Bri. Bri is one of those people who could turn, like, the most miserable line at the DMV into the best part of six people's week just by being herself. She can do perfect winged eyeliner on the first try.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I know. Before Bri, Dana's longest relationship was in fact with Sammy the car. But at the time that our story takes place, Bri and Dana have been together for two years now, and they are very much in love. This is gonna sound like a non sequitur, but how do you feel about the city of Atlanta?

[B]

Ooh, brunch. Black people at brunch. Looking good with some fake foliage on the wall and a DJ that's playing music way too loud when you're trying to eat chicken and waffles. I feel really good about Atlanta. However, I would not live there because of the aforementioned driving anxiety and the fact that they have 1500 lane highways.

[A]

Yes, yes. I've been exactly once to Atlanta to see Beyonce.

[B]

And that sounds incredible.

[A]

And it was our friend or friend. Dana had not spent a ton of time in Atlanta until 3, who was an alumnus of Clark Atlanta University. So Bri and Dana spend a couple weekends a year in Atlanta visiting Bri's college friends, most of whom Bri met on her college track team. This is important for today's story, which takes place in 2024. Dana is 27, so she has been with Sammy the Car for nearly a decade now and with Bri, her girlfriend, for about two years now. Dana, Bri, and Sammy are all in Atlanta for a funeral. Bree's college track coach had just passed. He was known to everyone simply as Coach. And Coach was like a second dad to all the girls on the team. He always made sure the girls had whatever they needed to do well in school. Meals, tutors, the occasional lecture. He was determined to be their family away from home. So as soon as one of Bri's old teammates dropped Coach's obituary in the group chat, Bri immediately made plans to go to the funeral. And though Dana had only met Coach a handful of times at homecoming over the years, Dana knew she wanted to go with Bri to the funeral for moral support. Now, this is an important test for Bri and Dana's relationship, because this is the first funeral they have been to together. Dana wants to take care of Bri and take as much stress out of the situation as possible. So do you have any advice to Dana on how to be a good girlfriend in this situation?

[B]

Just listen to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, not what you think they need in that moment, is all always the better way to go about things. But also understand that everyone grieves differently, which includes not only Bri, but Bree's track friends. You don't know how they're going to be feeling, how they're going to be reacting. You don't know how she's going to be feeling, how she's going to be reacting. There's just a lot of emotions. It's a really heavy time. So just, you know, go in with an understanding and open mind and heart.

[A]

Yeah, that's really good advice.

[B]

And eat the food at the repast.

[A]

So the morning of the funeral, which starts at 1pm Dana makes sure to get Bri breakfast. And while Bri is getting ready, Dana decides to get the car started, get the AC pumping. It's a hot day, it's Atlanta, and Dana doesn't want Bri to have to worry about, like, sweating off her makeup on the drive over. But when Dana goes out to the driveway of the Airbnb, she realizes that her car, her beloved Sammy, is Missing. Before we move on, I must ask, have you ever heard the phrase Kia boys?

[B]

This feels like. Like, yes, but no. I feel like it's ringing a very, very distant bell. But I'm also like, I don't know that I want that bell to be rung. And so I'm scared. But I'm going to ask for a refresher.

[A]

I can give you that. I can give you that. During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenges. Yeah, I knew this would come back to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The issue is you spe much time covering the Internet. You're like, what are they doing now? Yeah. During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenges, most of them dancing, circulating amongst all the bored children. In late 2021, the Kia Boys began going viral on TikTok because some teenagers discovered a security flaw in some Kias and Hyundai's that made them really easy to hotwire and steal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, of course, these four children decided to record themselves doing just that, posting results everywhere, which caused a cascade of other bored children to hotwire Kias too. And they became known as the Kia boys.

[B]

Girls can cop wire Kias too.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Wait, hold on, hold on.

[A]

They can, but I don't think they would post it on social media for everyone to activity.

[B]

But let's, you know, girls can do crimes, too. Equal opportunity.

[A]

So Dana is dismayed that her car has been stolen, but she's actually not that surprised. In fact, Dana has been preparing for this moment for years.

[B]

Oh, preparing how?

[A]

Well, way back in 2021, when the Kia boys first started making waves, Dana stashed an airtag under the mat in Sammy's backseat just in case the day came when she would need to go Liam Neeson mode and get Sammy back.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

She has a very specific set of skills. So the moment Dana sees her car is gone, she is hit by a rush of adrenaline. Dana's like, I know what I have to do. I've dreamed about this moment so many times. My mind and body have been preparing for this exact scenario.

[B]

All of a sudden, she just, like, has a Glock, and she just cocks it back. She's like, I'm ready.

[A]

Suddenly, she has a gun. Without a second thought, Dana opens her phone, goes to the find my app, and sure enough, the air attack is on the other side of town. So you're Dana. You've got a funeral to go to. Your car's been stolen, but you know where it is. What do you do?

[B]

Oh, this is tough. What I would do. I would have someone I could call to say, someone stole my car. I gotta go to a funeral. I know where it is. Can you go check this out for me? But if you don't, if it's just you. I just feel as though. Sammy. We love him, but he's. He was a decade old as a car. This is your girlfriend. She's going through something a little bit very traumatic. Not a little bit. She's grieving. This was like a mentor to her, another parental figure. You gotta go to the funeral. Does that mean that your car might be taken apart and shipped off somewhere by then? Yes. But also, if you know where it is, you can file the police report later. Like, there are adult things you can do, but human life is really important, and it's important to honor it, and it's important to be with your loved ones and support them. And so I would say that you should just go to the funeral. But I would be lying if I didn't say that a part of me is kind of like. No. Like, I'm. Anthropologically, I'm trying to see something. Like, where's my car? Who has.

[A]

I'm trying to see where my car is.

[B]

Right. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah. Well, right at this moment, Bree steps out of the Airbnb. Dana's like, okay, babe, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Bad news is Sammy's been stolen. Good news is I know where he's at. We can go get her.

[B]

We.

[A]

And Dana shows Bri the little dot on her phone. Moving around on the other side of Atlanta. Bree's like, hold on, let's pump the brake. She's like, I know how much you love your car, but maybe we should call the police before we just go in guns blazing without a gun. Not to brag, but my glasses are one of the things that I get complimented on the most. And I am always so excited to tell people that I got them from Zenni. I'm not even joking. This conversation has happened multiple times. I had them on my face for something like three years before I thought about replacing them. And the only reason I thought about replacing them was because I wanted a style upgrade, not because they weren't working or because they'd gotten bent or twisted or whatever. I did finally upgrade, though, and I got these super sexy red glasses that I have been absolutely obsessed with. They also have some kind of light blocking situation that makes really sunny days a lot easier on my eyes. And they were so easy to order. I just put in my prescription and they were at my doorstep maybe seven days later. So that scratched up pair has done its job. Upgrade today with Zinni go to zinni.com podcast and use code podcast15 for 15% off your first order plus free shipping on all US orders over $65. The styles do sell out, so don't sit on it. That's Z-E-N-N-I.com podcast promo code podcast15Y'. All. We are officially halfway through recording the season during this super busy time of the season where we're not only recording, we're also releasing episodes, we're booking guests because sometimes people just don't show up. The thing that's non negotiable for me is sleep. And that is why I love Bolen Branch so much, y'. All. I'mma be honest, sometimes I literally avoid washing my sheets because of how much better I sleep on my bowl and branch sheets. It's hot in New York right now, even with the AC on. I just can't sleep unless I'm cold. And these sheets are so cooling, I never feel like I'm sweaty in them. I just, I love them so much. I also love their waffle bed blanket, which is also super light for those nights where you don't necessarily want a big huge comforter on you. Truly, Bolen Branch has my heart. Upgrade your sleep with Bolen branch. Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at bolinbranch.com gossip with code gossip that's BolandBranch. B O L L A N D B r a n c-com Gossip code Gossip to unlock 15% off exclusions apply. Hello, it's Rachel Hampton from Normal Gossip, here to talk about one of my favorite sponsors of the show, Mood. Mood is a legal hemp and cannabis company. And listen, if you've heard me on this show, you know I love a little bit of cannabis. I also specifically love Mood because they have products for different vibes or moments to help you sleep, to get you focused, feeling happy and euphoric and even for better sex. But what I want to talk about today is their pure Relieve CBD gummies, which are for gentle relaxation without any psychoactive effects. I know a lot of people don't necessarily want to feel like the brain high that can happen. I've actually been taking CBD before recordings lately because it just helps me feel kind of loose and relaxed and it keeps my muscles from tensing up as I'm in a recording right now. Mood Is offering our listeners 20% off their first purchase with Code Gossip at checkout. So head to mood.com to find the functional gummy that matches exactly what you're looking for, and let Mood help you discover your perfect mood. That's mood.com and code gossip at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. Dana's like, you know what? Fair. Got a little caught up in the moment. Got a little lost.

[B]

I'm sorry. Got a little Liam Neeson with it.

[A]

And we do have somewhere important to be in less than an hour. So Bri calls the police on speakerphone, who are not that helpful. Their only suggestion is to come down to the police station to report the car missing. Dana's like, well, that would be hard to do since we don't have a car to get to the police station and we have a funeral to attend. And the operator's like, my condolences, but we can't do anything else until you report the car missing. Once the report's been filed, we'll see if we can find it. Dana's like, well, actually, I don't need your help finding it. I know exactly where it is. We just need someone to go check out the location on the airtag and get my car back. The operator's like, we can't send anybody out until you file a police report. Do you need the address for the police station? So you have a few options. You can get a ride to the police station and report your car missing. You can get a ride to the location on your airtag in an Uber. You can go to the funeral and figure this out later since you don't want to be the drama when you're supposed to be moral support for your girlfriend. So what do you do?

[B]

I would go to the funeral and then go to the police station after the funeral. And now, I know I said you should eat the food at the repass, but you could skip the repast and go to the police station and report your car missing. I don't think going now would get the police to act any quicker. In most normal circumstances, it does not get them to react any quicker. What I might have done is I might have been like. I might have lied and been like, no, I need you to do a wellness check.

[A]

Oh, someone's in danger. There's a child in the backseat of the car.

[B]

Exactly. Because then they would be a little. They would have a little more gump and a little pep in their step. But I can't also say that I recommend that, like, legally, so you know, but I think at this point, I would go to the funeral, go to the police station after the funeral, skip the repass. Be like, hey, babe, I know this is your time. Could you make me a plate and then figure it out from there?

[A]

Dana's also, like, kind of in the same mindset. Like, every cell in her body is screaming for her to go get her baby, but her other baby is standing right in front of her dressed for a funeral. And, like, ultimately, cars are replaceable and people only die once. So Dana decides she's got to do right by her girlfriend on this day. She will not be the drama. So she's like, it's fine. We will go report the car missing after the funeral. But they still need a ride to the funeral. So at first they try to call an Uber, but they can't find a ride for less than $75.

[B]

Atlanta, what's going on? That's upsetting to my spirit. That would piss me off. Like, I'm really. Like, I'm already sad. I go to a funeral. They stole my.

[A]

The car.

[B]

Sorry. I'm getting really angry because I'm laughing because I'm actually so heated about that. If I opened my phone and saw that.

[A]

No, that would have been. I would have broken my laptop. Yeah. Yeah. So Gree calls one of her former teammates who lives in Atlanta. Yeah, Tiffany. Tiffany was a shot putter back in the day, and Tiffany was a person on the team who was known to always be down to clown. She was also the one who was known for showing up late.

[B]

She was down to clown. So she would come, but she gonna come late. That's the. Those are the options.

[A]

Well, Bri's like, if there's anyone on the team who has not left to go to the funeral yet.

[B]

I see. Then it would be okay. Okay, I see. That's smart. That's smart.

[A]

And she's right. Tiffany's in the middle of her makeup when Bri calls.

[B]

In the middle. Like, what step? Like, are we. Like, have we finished contouring?

[A]

Has blush been applied?

[B]

Yeah. Like, when is. Do we just have lip liner wet? Like, have the brows been filled and gelled? Like, what is the. Okay?

[A]

Tiffany's like, I'll come pick you up. Don't worry. Just send me the address. Bri's like, thank you so much, girl. I appreciate you. And then she's like, tiff, please be on time. You know, I plan to say a few words at the funeral. Tiffany's like, don't worry. I'll see you in 20. Do you think they will see Tiffany in 20?

[B]

Hell no. Tiffany is around the corner in the black way, which is in the middle of her makeup. Hasn't contoured yet. Girl, if you're speaking at the funeral, you pay the 70 something dollars and just hope that that good karma comes back to you some way somehow. Like you cannot be playing with the a procession of events if you are the event.

[A]

Like that's fair, that's fair.

[B]

But not everybody got it. I understand, but I'm just saying there are certain situations where your back is really against the wall and unfortunately you have to rely on your contingency plans. And that was one of them. However, they rocking with Tiffany. Tiffany gonna show up 45 minutes late, 45 minutes later. And that's. And that's black math.

[A]

45 minutes later.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tiffany pulls up to Bri and Dana's Airbnb. This is just enough time for Dana's inner Nancy Drew to start screaming to be let out. Like she has constantly been checking the airtag location. So it's while Tiffany is driving that Dana realizes they're gonna pass right by where her car is on the way to the funeral. Super casually, like, so casually, Dana's like, looks like my car is right on the way. What if we just drove past, swing by and grab it? At this point, it is about 12:45pm the funeral is supposed to start at 1. Although one thing I maybe have not made clear yet, which you maybe may have guessed from the fact that Coach was a coach at Clark Atlanta University, is that this is a black funeral being held at a lovely little Pentecostal church. Do you have any experience with black funerals?

[B]

Yes and no. Not of the Southern Pentecostal variety. I'm from Philly. My family was raised Muslim, so I think that experience is, is a little bit different. And then my Jamaican side of the family doesn't have funerals. They have celebrations of life. You know what I mean? So I'm going to actually be real and say I don't think so. Lots of, lots of experience of black weddings, but I don't think I've experienced. Experienced this particular type of black funeral. I've certainly experienced black funerals, but this particular type maybe only once or twice. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Well, in your experience through, I guess other people's recalling or just general lore, how would you describe our people's relationship to timeliness when it comes to events such as this?

[B]

Well, it has its own abbreviation, which I think is all you need to know. And that's not Even funeral relevant. It don't matter if somebody's. My aunt was late to her own wedding. But I say all this to say time for us is a construct because we've spent so many generations struggling. You know that. Why should time matter? Like, why should anyone else's schedule matter? Wow. When we are finally free, you know what I mean?

[A]

Amen. Let the church say amen.

[B]

Amen. Won't he do it?

[A]

Right. So the funeral is supposed to start at one, but when Bri texts her teammate to see what the vibe is, they're like, girl, we're not starting for another 45 minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One of Bri's teammate texts a photo of the funeral program to the chat. So Bree can see that before reflections and remarks from family and friends, there is an old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, a prayer of comfort, a musical selection.

[B]

I love black people.

[A]

And then resolutions at acknowledgement, followed finally by reflections and remarks.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And Bri is listed as the fourth person out of five to give remarks.

[B]

Oh, so she's at the very end. Oh, okay. They could have gone and got in the car.

[A]

So when Dana is like, what if we just took a little detour?

[B]

Oh, God. Okay. But they still have no weapons. They still don't know what they're walking into. Once again, they need to approach this anthropologically from an observing perspective first. Then they can decide to be actionable about it. But knowing all of that, I, too, would be like, we can drive by. I'm not gonna promise you I'll stop. I'm gonna slow down, lay some eyes on the situation.

[A]

Bri sighs. She knows how important Sammy is to Dana, and they've got an hour minimum before she's due to start talking. So Bri is like, if Tiff is cool with it, it's fine. We can do a drive by. We have to be in and out. And to Dana's delight, Tiffany is immediately like, hell, yeah, let's go get your car.

[B]

Of course she is.

[A]

So they pull up to the block where Dana's car is supposed to be. Dana can, like, feel her heart pounding out of her chest. She has imagined this hundreds of times. But now that she's here, she's realizing she never actually got to the part of the dream where she made a plan for this part. So what would your plan be?

[B]

Okay, well, my plan would first be to Google if you can still normally drive a car that's been hotwired. Truly, they be cutting wires and shit. I don't know how that works. I would like to Assume that I could just click, click, open, foot on the gas, and drive away. But what if that's not the case? I wouldn't know. So I would Google that first. I would. And maybe because it's slightly embarrassing, I would Google an incognito mode, and then I would make sure I had the keys, and I would make sure I have pepper spray, at least. But I do think my truly, my plan would be we are going to slow this car down to a crawl and truly scope out the situation. Maybe not even get out the car. Unless it's like, okay, Sammy's right there. I could just click, click, and then get in. Right. But if there's people loitering around, if it's an area where, you know, like, if it seems like we can't just hop on in the car and drive away, I probably would not stop knowing that I don't have any weapons or any people with me that I know. Always have weapons, because you always need to have at least one of them.

[A]

I think that's a great plan.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You covered all the bases.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's also how I would approach this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Tiffany's circling the block where the airtag last pinged from, and at first, they don't see anything. The three girls circle the block a few times just to make sure. And Dana's at the point where she's starting to feel a little guilty about this detour. She's like, y' all got a funeral to go to. She's about to be like, ah, well, we tried. When all of a sudden, they see it. I'm not sure if you watched any of the Kia boys videos. They're all literally insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Most of these kids are too young to have a driver's license, so boosting the car isn't actually about the car. It's about the joyride and also the views. So as you can imagine, these kids are whipping the wheel back and forth, bobbing and weaving across as they shoot past our girls. This is Mad Max Fury Road. The car is overflowing with people. There are at least six kids in there, possibly more. The license plates have been ripped off, and there is something wrong with the driver's side door. But the car is unmistakably Dana. She's like, I would know Sammy anywhere.

[B]

Mm. Mm.

[A]

So what do you do?

[B]

What do I do?

[A]

What do you do?

[B]

I take some photos and some videos, and I send that to the police. I don't have a weapon. And, okay, this is Mad Max. I don't have the silver chrome spray shit either. I'm not huffing and puffing. Like, I don't have anything to bolster me against. Against the yns. Like, I don't have. I don't have that. Like, you know, like, I don't. You can't just. You cannot just enter that situation. Yeah, I would need both. I would need a gun and the chrome shit from Mad Max. Like, yeah. But once again, because we arrived there anthropologically, for research, we take photos, we write down anything. Like house addresses, anything nearby. How many people? What did they look like? We take as much evidence as we possibly can, and then we go to the funeral. Still arrive 20 minutes before everybody else. And then after the funeral, while everyone's eating at the Repass, then we go and give that evidence to the police, who will surely do nothing. But at least after everything's said and done, you could probably get some money for it, you know? And I know it's sad, but, like, it's a car. Sammy's already damaged as well. You don't even know if you can. Like, yeah, no, it's just too much.

[A]

Dana's like, oh, my God, that's her. That's Sammy. Tiffany's like, say less. She immediately busts the U turn and starts following Sammy, but at a little bit of a distance.

[B]

I kind of forgot Tiffany. Crazy. I love her, though. Okay, sorry, continue.

[A]

They're at a little bit of a distance just in case one of the KIA boys spots them. As they're following them, Bri calls the police station again and is like, hello, I just called about a stolen vehicle. We're now following the car.

[B]

They don't have a report, baby. They can't do anything about that.

[A]

Bri starts naming the cross streets to give the police a sense of where they are. And the operator goes, didn't you just call? And Bree is like, yes. And the operator is like, ma', am, I told you to come into the station and file a police report, not be Inspector Gadget.

[B]

She not even Inspector Gadget. She don't even got a little handy dandy tool. Like, she doesn't have anything. Here's once again where you lie. You say, well, it's not even a lie. You say, kids are driving recklessly. I think they're going to hurt somebody. They could run into someone or something. I need you to come. You gotta start lying, y'. All. You gotta start lying. Like, if you. If you really want people to do what you want them to do expeditiously, you need to make it their Problem. And not just your problem.

[A]

Bree's like, we can literally see someone driving our car. Can you come help us? And the operator is like, no, that's not something we can do. We can help you file a police report, though.

[B]

Once again, I would be so pissed off. This is, like, the worst day known to man.

[A]

No, literally, at this point, it is abundantly clear that Bri is pissed. And for a moment, Dana is afraid that Bri is upset with her for getting them going on all of this. Dana is getting ready to be like, let's just go to the funeral. I'm sorry for sending us on this wild goose chase. When Bri is like, this is. This is what my taxes go to. Tiffany's like, you don't pay taxes here, bitch. So Bri's like, this is where Tiffany's taxes go to.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Bri, we're not about to engage in a car chase. There is a man in the casket right now.

[A]

So it's now a little after 1:30pm what's your next move?

[B]

Go to the funeral. I know that you're speaking last, but, like, you're there to honor someone who is very important to you. All of these things. Yes, funerals are long. Yes, they have a lot of moving parts. But all of these things are in honor of his life. And we are not fucking MI6. We're not spies. We're not agents. Do you even know how to do a car chase? You know what I'm saying? Like, on the 1500 lane highways in Atlanta. I don't think, like, I think we go to the funeral respectfully. I think we go to the police station after the funeral. I think we give whoever was talking to us on the phone like that a stank ass look and attitude as we file our police report and we slap it down on the counter like, here. Fine. Ooh, honeys. I think that's the most we do.

[A]

I will say that is exactly how I would expect an operator from Atlanta to speak to me in my time of need.

[B]

That's how I expect any operator to speak to me in my time of need. And this is what we call, like, emotional regulation.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Because if I'm prepared for it, then I can't get too mad at you. I can only get mad at myself for being mad when I knew it was gonna happen.

[A]

Wow. Powerful. Tiffany continues to tail the boys in Dana's Kia as Bree texts the group chat, like, how much time do we have? Before reflections? One of the roommates texts back, like, they just started the Old Testament reading, which, if you recall, was. The very first thing is followed by

[B]

the New Testament reading.

[A]

A New Testament reading. A prayer of comfort. A musical selection, resolutions and acknowledgments. And then finally, reflections and remarks. So Bri is trying to calculate how much time she has left. She's doing girl math in her head. When they see the Kia boys pull into an alley.

[B]

Famously, only good things have ever happened in alleys.

[A]

Tiffany slows down as they're passing the alley just enough to see that the key is stopped way down at the end and that the alley comes to a dead end. So on the far side of this alley that ends in a dead end is a dumpster and a chain link fence. And it's important to note that it is the middle of the afternoon in Atlanta, and this alley is somehow dark. Tiffany parks where they can see the entrance to the alley. And Bri is like, okay, maybe now that we can see the car and that it's stopped, we should try calling the police again. Just to be safe.

[B]

Just to be safe. They're not coming.

[A]

Do you think this time will be different?

[B]

No. Free yourselves. This is so. No. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results, baby. That's just not how that works.

[A]

The definition of insanity.

[B]

It is. It's someone's definition of insanity. At least I personally feel as though what you've described is a very good movie scenario where I can see them getting out the car, hopping up the dumpster, onto the dumpster, and then escaping over the fence. And then at that point, it's like you're chasing kids over fences and shit. And I just. That's never worked out well in the movies, and I don't see why it would work out well in real life.

[A]

Well, this time, when the girls call and explain the situation, the operator is like, wait. You can actually see the missing vehicle? And the girls are like, yes. And the operator's like, okay, stay right there. Don't leave. We'll send an officer out.

[B]

Wow. It is different this time. And she was wrong. Well. Oh, God.

[A]

Dana and Bri and Tiffany wait. And they wait and they wait. They're just taking turns watching the entrance of the alley and looking around for the police. But no one is showing up. Not the police, not the Kia boys, no one. Bri texts the group chat like, okay, where on the program are we at now? One of her teammates is like, they're just finishing up the altar call. Brie's like, altar call? Did we Miss the whole funeral. And then another teammate texts back, like, girl, no. The reverend was supposed to be doing the prayer of comfort. And then it turned into a mini sermon and then an altar call.

[B]

We still haven't played any Kirk Franklin yet.

[A]

Now, with this digression, there are two things ahead of where Brie is scheduled to give remarks. The musical selection, resolutions and acknowledgements, and then reflections and remarks from family and friends. And remember, Bri is the second to last person out of five to give remarks. Keeping in mind, the remarks are technically limited to two minutes.

[B]

Two minutes. Black people in two minutes of remarks. Yeah.

[A]

No, Keeping that in mind, how much time do you think our girls have?

[B]

They still have at least, like, another his eye ain't even on the sparrow yet. They still have at least, like, another 45 minutes at least because she's fourth out of five in remarks. Those first three remarks alone are gonna at least be 15 minutes. At least.

[A]

Bri ends up calling the police again to get an ETA for the police officer that is supposedly coming. And the operator refuses to provide one. Bree's like, we need to get to the funeral, and we've told you where the car is. Do you have enough information to retrieve the car? Like, can we go? And their operator says, if you leave, we'll have to tow the vehicle. And then Dana will have to do some paperwork to prove that it's her vehicle, which could take either a few hours or a couple days, especially since neither Dana or Bri are residents of Atlanta. And at this point, Dana is over. She's like, fuck this shit. I have my keys. No one seems to be in the car. Dana's like, I'm just gonna steal my car back. And then we're going to the funeral. We've already wasted enough time. Bri is like, babe, what if it's not safe? Samuel's full of teenagers, full of 12 teenage boys. And Dana's like, I don't care. I would fight a dozen teenagers with my bare hands for Sammy.

[B]

Oh, no, honey. There are places you fight a dozen teenagers. Elena ain't one of them.

[A]

So Bri and Dana, they get out of Tiffany's car. They start walking toward the alley. Tiffany is following behind them in her car. And as Bri and Dana enter the alley, Tiffany starts playing knuck if you buck so loud.

[B]

Yeah, we knockin and duckin and ready to fight.

[A]

Tiffany's speakers are buzzing as Bri and Dana approach the car. There's no sign of anybody else in the alley. Dana's like, okay, I'm Going in. So while Bri stands guard, Dana approaches Sammy, who looks empty. Though Dana can see that the handle on Sammy's driver's side door has been completely ripped off. So she enters the car through the passenger side, which is unlocked. Her precious car is full of trash and hot Cheeto dust.

[B]

Not the dust. You ain't even leaving any Cheetos. It's just the. It's just bags and dust, okay?

[A]

And Sammy absolutely reeks of pot smoke, of course.

[B]

Oh, poor Sammy. Poor Sammy.

[A]

And all around the steering wheel, all Dana can see is exposed wires. And worst of all, as you correctly noted, the ignition part is just dangling.

[B]

See? And this is why you Google search these things. And even if you're embarrassed about it, you Google search on incognito mode. Because I've seen movies. They cut shit. Why would I just assume that I could drive a car that's wires have been pulled out? God, no. I hate being right when I go in the show.

[A]

Like, Dana has no idea how exactly she's gonna turn her car on to drive away. So we're almost at the end of our story. You've been right so far. How are you feeling?

[B]

I'm scared. And all of this for a car that you knew was going to have issues and damage anyway. But most of all, I think I am pissed at the operator at the police station. And at a certain point, I would have pulled up every song that had ETA in it. Justin Bieber's eta ETA by New Jeans. And I would have blast them through the phone like, when are you coming? Because you promised. After your stank attitude, you promised. And you tried to clown me for that, but you were wrong because there was something you could do about it. And then you promised you could come do something and then you wouldn't do it. And that, oh, once again, this is the worst day ever.

[A]

Um, honestly, Dana's kind of in the same space as you are now. She's panicking. She's overwhelmed.

[B]

I wouldn't say that I'm panicking. Dana's panicking. To be clear.

[A]

Tiffany shouts down the alley from her car. She's like, are y' all good? Dana is like, the ignition is hanging out. I gotta figure out how to start it. Breeze texts in the group chat, like, okay, have we missed the whole thing? And one of the teammate responds, girl, you're good. The spirit hit the organist during the musical selection. The Saints started shouting. Another teammate texts back, yeah, I stepped out real quick. I'm at the drive through at Wendy's. They Playing too much. Another teammate says, y', all. Y' all got time. Don't worry. Okay, so Dana starts Googling how to fix the ignition on a 2018 Kia Soul. I can't tell you whether or not she used incognito mode.

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm getting flashbacks to the last time we were recording this show. And I said something to the effect of when I said that, I meant do it multiple hours ago into the story. Top of the story, even. Why are you Googling shit right now?

[A]

Yeah. Unfortunately, Dana's also not getting a whole lot of help from the search results. So she then decides to Google how to steal a 2018 Kia Soul.

[B]

It's already been stolen. How to re hotwire a hot wired car.

[A]

Well, these are the magic words, right? This is how Dana finds the video she needs, which is basically a tutorial for how to steal her own car. We're not gonna get into the specifics of that tutorial. We're not that kind of show for legal reasons. But Dana and Bri realize from watching the tutorial that they need a phone charger. Dana doesn't have one. Bree doesn't have one. But glory of all glories, Tiffany has one. She taps into those shot putting skills and she tosses it down the alley. Dana uses the phone charger to turn, like a small piece of the ignition mechanism. And glory of glory, it works. Sammy starts right back up. Bri gets in the car, they back out of the alley, and they finally start heading over to the funeral.

[B]

I'm expecting something bad to still happen.

[A]

Well, on the way to the church, Bri is like, should we call the police to let them know we are now in possession of the car? Because if the police pull us over because of the missing license plates, they might think the car is stolen. And that will be a whole other set of problems. Dana is like, fine, we can call them, but we aren't making any additional stops. We're going to this fucking funeral. At this point, they are close to two hours late, and Bri still needs to give her remarks. When Bri calls the police again, the operator asks them to come down to the station. And Bree's like, but we don't need your help anymore. But the operator is like, no, you need to come in and file a report.

[B]

They do still need to file a report.

[A]

What would you do?

[B]

Well, no, I go to the funeral. Like I've been saying many times throughout this whole story, I go to the funeral. But they do still need to file the report. But no, it need not be right now. They do need to get Brie to the remarks.

[A]

Dana is like, screw this shit. Screw them. Screw the operator. We're not going down to the station right now. We're gonna park the car in the church parking lot. We'll attend the funeral. We'll ride with Tiffany to the burial site, and then we'll come back, retrieve the card during the repast, and then we will file a report. By the time Dana, Bri, and Tiffany arrive at the funeral and they sneak into the sanctuary, there are only two people ahead of Bree in the program. So you'd be excused for thinking that they got there with only four minutes to spare.

[B]

No, like I said, at least 15 minutes each.

[A]

At least 25 minutes later, right? It is finally Bri's turn to give remarks. Right after Bri gives her remarks, which only take her about five minutes.

[B]

I was gonna ask how long hers were.

[A]

They're at the funeral for another hour and a half before they even make it to the burial site. Well, at the repass, word starts to spread around about Dana's car being stolen and her stealing it back. And by word starts to spread, I. Tiffany starts telling the story to literally everyone in sight. So people start coming up to Danan, asking to hear all the details. Someone uncle comes up. A guy who works in probation for the county. He's like, so I heard you're boosting cars now. Dana's like, no.

[B]

What?

[A]

It's my car.

[B]

My car.

[A]

Can't boost your own car. Bree's just laughing. Someone's kid comes up being like, yo, can you teach me what you did? And that is basically the end of our story. I do have a couple updates for you, but first, I want to ask. Ask. Do you think the Kia boys are the villains here or just bored children?

[B]

I don't see why they can't be both. Like, I don't. Those are not mutually exclusive. Children can be villains, especially bored ones, and I do think they are the villain here. However, Miss Girl at the police station, I would like to have words like, I'm in a dire moment, and everything has pissed me off. Today I had to sit in Cheeto dust while I drove back to a funeral that I was late to, but also wasn't actually that late to. And you had the nerve to make me assurances that something couldn't happen when it actually could. And then when you assured me it could happen, it actually didn't. And you were rude all the way through. And I understand you probably have a hard life you are probably a wonderful mom, and maybe you have a teen that's stressing you out and boosting Kias. But. But a little compassion, a little kindness. Like, everyone's life is hard, but girl, why are you trying to make mine harder? This is a hard day.

[A]

It's real. It's real. It's real. Well, the first update is that there's someone at Coach's funeral who works with the city. And when the story of Dana and Bree's heist gets to her, she gives Dana a direct number to the police station to report what happened. And surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly, when using the direct line, the police are actually pretty helpful.

[B]

And this is when I said, always eat at the Repass.

[A]

So the police provide Dana with everything she needs to get the repairs taken care of with her insurance company. And she has the dealership fixed security flaw on Sammy. And the second update is that Dana and Bri are now engaged. Yay. I love love. They did have to say goodbye to dear Sammy.

[B]

Of course they did. The Sammy's guts were out. He was geriatric and his guts were out. Of course they did. But fallen comrade, that is very sad. Shout out Sammy.

[A]

Before their engagement, Bri googled most difficult cars to break into. And this is how Dana ends up receiving a Volvo as an engagement present.

[B]

I thought you were gonna say Honda Odyssey. I was like, wow, who knew?

[A]

I don't know anything about a Honda Odyssey. Thank you for listening to normal gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us@normal gossipefector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a [e-mail] you can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok ormalgossip. You can follow me on all social media aydenae. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton and jtolviera. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spraggly Ricks and jtolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatzic. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishikesh Hirway, the co creators and dowager queens and Normal gossip are Kelsey McKinney and defector supervising producer Alex Sujong Laughlin. Justin Ellis is Defectors projects editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's business guy. Tom Le is our editor in chief. This season was made in memory of Dan McQuaid who ran our merch store which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art thank you to Brandi Jensen, David Roth, Katherine Shue, Sabrina Embler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford and Ray Ratto for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I am your host, Rachel Hampton and remember you didn't hear this from me.

[B]

Radiotopia from prx.