Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill

Summary

Normal Gossip Episode Summary: "Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill"

Release Date: April 23, 2025

In the "Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill" episode of Normal Gossip, host Rachel Hampton welcomes Jonquilyn Hill, the charismatic host of Vox's Explain It to Me podcast. Together, they delve into the intriguing world of gossip, blending real-life anecdotes with creatively spun narratives that highlight the peculiarities of human interactions.

Guest Introduction: Jonquilyn Hill and Her Connection to Gossip

Rachel begins by exploring Jonquilyn Hill's personal relationship with gossip, revealing its foundational role in her upbringing. Jonquilyn shares, “[...] gossip is like currency,” reflecting on her experiences growing up in the Black church where her father served as a pastor (04:01). This environment fostered her keen interest in the nuanced exchanges that gossip entails, setting the stage for her involvement with Normal Gossip.

Real-Life Gossip: The Nigerian Wedding Cancellation

Jonquilyn recounts a humorous yet dramatic real-life story submitted by a listener, involving a Nigerian wedding that was abruptly called off the night before the event. She narrates:

“The night before the wedding, she gets a text from her friend that says, hey, the wedding is off, but you should still show up to the reception at the appropriate reception time” (06:00).

This twist leads to an unexpected alliance between the bride and another woman who vehemently opposes the groom, resulting in a collaborative effort to end his unfaithful relationship. Rachel praises the “generosity of spirit” displayed by the bride, highlighting the empowering dynamics of female solidarity in the face of deceit.

Fictional Narrative: Iris and the Missing Dog Statue

Transitioning from real-life gossip to a more elaborate storytelling segment, Rachel and Jonquilyn immerse listeners in the fictional tale of Iris, a recent college graduate navigating life in a bustling city. Iris secures a fellowship and moves into a charming townhouse shared with three men and their beloved border collie, Noodle.

As the story unfolds, a prank orchestrated by Teddi, a tertiary friend, sets off a chain of events. Teddi’s mischievous act involves the beloved dog statue of Noodle, leading to a frantic search orchestrated by the diligent but controlling landlord, Michael. Key moments include:

• The Initial Prank:

  “Teddi has this brilliant idea for the dog statue. He wants to pull a prank. [...] low stakes but not lazy” (34:35).

• The Aftermath:

  “Michael bursts into tears after this. [...] I have been a victim of a crime in my own home” (38:54).

Iris, characterized as a rule-following and submissive individual, grapples with the escalating tension among her roommates. The narrative skillfully captures the complexities of shared living spaces, power dynamics, and the unintended consequences of seemingly harmless pranks.

Analyzing the Dynamics: Power, Trust, and Community

Throughout the episode, Rachel and Jonquilyn dissect the underlying themes of trust and authority within communal living settings. They discuss how Michael's role as both landlord and enforcer of household rules creates a “benevolently dictatorial” atmosphere, making Iris feel perpetually on edge despite her efforts to maintain harmony.

Jonquilyn insightfully remarks:

“I’d be like, Michael, did you steal your own statue for the drama?” (51:28).

This highlights the thin line between playful teasing and genuine mistrust, emphasizing how gossip can both bond and fracture relationships.

Conclusion: Reflections on Gossip and Human Connections

As the episode draws to a close, Rachel and Jonquilyn reflect on the dual nature of gossip as both a tool for connection and a source of conflict. They underscore the importance of transparency and genuine communication to mitigate misunderstandings and foster a supportive community.

Jonquilyn concludes with a heartfelt observation:

“Normal Gossip is like, who are these people and why are we doing this? No.” (52:11).

This sentiment encapsulates the ongoing dance between individuality and collective living, reminding listeners of the delicate balance required to maintain healthy relationships within any community.

Notable Quotes

• Jonquilyn Hill on Gossip as Currency:
  “Gossip is like currency” (04:01).

• Rachel on the Generosity of Spirit:
  “I love the generosity of spirit here” (08:26).

• Jonquilyn on Roommate Dynamics:
  “It's what my mother calls nicety. Nice, nasty.” (22:22).

• Rachel on Selected Friendship Roles:
  “Do you think this qualifies?” (34:35).

Final Thoughts

Normal Gossip masterfully intertwines real-life scenarios with engaging storytelling, offering listeners both entertainment and insightful commentary on the social fabric that binds us. In this episode, Rachel Hampton and Jonquilyn Hill effectively showcase how gossip, whether factual or fictional, serves as a mirror reflecting our deepest fears, desires, and the unspoken rules that govern our interactions.

For more episodes and to share your gossip stories, visit Normal Gossip or reach out via email at [e-mail].

Transcript

[Rachel Hampton]

We've all been there feeling alone with the problem because no one in our life can relate. Or maybe because the one person we wish we could talk to won't or can. But what if you had your own personal investigative journalist scouring the world for the perfect stranger who gets it? That's where Proxy comes in, a new sister show in the Radiotopia family that comes from Normal Gossip Season 8 guest Yowei Shah, who's the former host of NPR's Invisibilia on Proxy. Yowei tackles your emotional conundrums and she finds you a Proxy to talk to someone who's been in your situation or has relevant experience and can hopefully provide the insight you need. It's emotional investigative journalism at your service, Proxy with Yowei Shah. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and new cases every other Tuesday. Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host Rachel Hanson, and in each episode of this podcast we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode three of season eight, y'all. If this is your first time tuning in this season, I would love to know why you picked this episode. Was it the guest? Do you just like the number three? I have questions. Send me your answers, but also know you don't need to see an ent. I'm not Kelsey. For more information on the peaceful transition of power that Normal Gossip is going through, check out the finale of season seven. And yes, we will continue to refer to it as a peaceful transition of power because that's what it was and continues to be. And we know we need some examples of that in this world right now. Speaking of that transition, I'm going to be emo for a second because it's my right. And also I know like half of y'all don't listen to this section, which is your right. One of the hardest parts of making this show is the time where we are in the middle of production but haven't released anything. I am one of those people who's always going to think about what could go wrong before I think about what will probably go right. Yes, I am on Lexapearl. You don't need to ask. All to say, one of my primary fears when I agreed to take over the show was disappointing the listeners. This show is so fun, which I feel like we have so little of these days. I really wanted to preserve this space for all of us all to say I was really fucking scared and now I'm so deeply touched by the response this season is already beginning to receive. I am learning on a very public stage, and I am a perfectionist, so that is very hard for me to do. And y'all have really been so graceful and kind, and I can't express how much that means to me without crying. So that's the end of feelings Corner onto the main event. I am so, so, so excited to be joined today by someone I absolutely love talking to, our producer, Sierra Spragley. Ricks can attest to how much we love to cut up. She has to cut a lot of it out. Today's guest is none other than Jonquiln Hill, the host of Explain it to Me, a vox podcast that you can think of as a hotline to all your unanswered questions. Jonquilin, hello. Hello.

[Jonquil Hill]

Thank you. It's so good to be hanging out with you. You know, I love a good hang.

[Rachel Hampton]

I do, I do. Well, the first part of our hang, I have to ask, what is your relationship to gossip?

[Jonquil Hill]

Okay. I've been thinking about this question a lot because gossip is actually quite important to my life for a variety of reasons. The first reason, you know, I grew up in church, Black church. People have, like, people have said here on here before, gossip is like currency. And in particular, I'm Ame. Grew up Ame. My father's a pastor.

[Rachel Hampton]

Pastor's kid.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, wow, could be its own podcast. Truly. Truly. But in that tradition, they're itinerant elders, so they get moved from church to church. And, you know, there are people that move them from church to church. And so you have to kind of keep your ear to the streets to be like, oh, did that church open up? Did you hear anything about this? Rumor has it that they're going to send so and so to such and such. And so that was sort of always in the background because even though my parents were like, get out grown folks business, so much of being an only child is if you're quiet enough, people don't notice you and you can remain in growing folks business without them even realizing it. So that's when I was like, ooh, yeah, this interests me. I just like it because I'm a little bit messy. I love a little, hey, did you hear about blah, blah, blah and saying no and then, you know, sitting down and having a little chat.

[Rachel Hampton]

Thank you. I love honesty and transparency here on this podcast. Speaking of gossip, I heard you have some for me.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yes. Okay. So I had the great fortune of getting my eyebrows threaded at a new place not too long ago. And, you know, Just making conversation with the lady as we're doing this. And she says, have you ever heard of the show Normal Gossip? And I thought, have I heard of Normal Gossip? I'm alive. I breathe air, I drink water. Of course I've heard of Normal Gossip. And she was like, oh, I have a story I sent into them because so many of my clients love it, but they haven't done an episode about it. And I said, one of my dreams is to be a guest on Normal Gossip. If my dream comes true, can I share your gossip? And she said, yeah, girl.

[Rachel Hampton]

This is like an ouroboros of gossip. I'm obsessed.

[Jonquil Hill]

So my eyebrow lady has a family friend, and her family friend was going to have this big wedding, a Nigerian wedding. And so, you know, the clothes, the money, the everything.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes.

[Jonquil Hill]

The night before the wedding, she gets a text from her friend that says, hey, the wedding is off, but you should still show up to the reception at the appropriate reception time.

[Rachel Hampton]

What?

[Jonquil Hill]

That was my reaction, and that was also hers. So she's like. She's like, okay, maybe my friend has cold feet. The girl's just talking. I'm going to go to bed, wake up in the morning, we'll probably be all good. Text her through it, figure out what happened. She goes to bed, she wakes up, her mom wakes her up, and it's like, hey, we have to get ready for this reception. And she's like, mom, the wedding's off, et cetera. And she's like, oh, I know. I'm aware. And her mom regales her with the tale of what happened.

[Rachel Hampton]

Tell me.

[Jonquil Hill]

Her friend is in a relationship with a man, and they live together, but he travels a lot for work. So she's getting ready for the wedding, and I think, like, the night before, she had a makeup artist come do her makeup for, like. Cause, you know, there's tons of events, tons of things going on.

[Rachel Hampton]

So many things. Especially with the Nigerian wedding, I feel like there's like, a ton of events.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yes. Like, just so much. The makeup artist tags her and the groom to be in her Instagram post.

[Rachel Hampton]

Okay.

[Jonquil Hill]

The makeup artist then gets a DM from a woman who follows her that says, hey, that groom is my boyfriend.

[Rachel Hampton]

No fucking way.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yep. She then reaches out directly to the bride and is like, we've been dating long distance. He was visiting me. Woman to woman. Coming to you as a woman.

[Rachel Hampton]

I'm coming to you. Woman to woman. Hey, girl.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah. And she's like. And it's not even this thing of like, well, that's my man. She's like, hey, he sucks. Get out of there. And the bride's like, yeah, you're right. I am going to get out of there. So they hatch a plan, and they decide, you know what? You're the bride. You get to be the one to break it off with them first.

[Rachel Hampton]

I love the generosity of spirit here.

[Jonquil Hill]

It's great, because then afterwards, he tries to text his girlfriend, and she's like, I know you were engaged.

[Rachel Hampton]

Fuck you.

[Jonquil Hill]

No. So he leaves this situation with no women.

[Rachel Hampton]

Good.

[Jonquil Hill]

As it should be. And so then my eyebrow lady, her family goes to the reception. They write an even bigger check than they were initially going to because they're like, you know what? She started her life over. She got her heart broken. She deserves. And they were also happy because his family didn't drink. And so they were like, well, now we can have an open bar.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. Okay, everyone won here.

[Jonquil Hill]

It was a win. Except that guy. But who cares?

[Rachel Hampton]

Except for that guy, and he deserved to lose.

[Jonquil Hill]

Listen, I love a comeuppance. I love bullying a man.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. I hope the bride went on their honeymoon, like, with a friend.

[Jonquil Hill]

Ooh. Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

You know, like, you shouldn't have to because you already paid the deposit. You can't. I don't think you can get that back. They should have cried. I bet if you called and you were like, I found out that my husband to be was cheating on me. I bet they upgrade your room for free.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, probably. And, like, definitely take it because the other woman knows he can't take her.

[Rachel Hampton]

Exactly. Wow. I would have been so stressed out that my eyebrows were gonna be, like, really high up while I was getting them threaded. As I'm hearing this story, I'm like, please pay attention to the shape of my eyebrows. Cause I can't stop moving my face while you're telling me the story.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's beautiful. That is one of the best situations to be in where someone is like, I'm gonna tell you a story, and I want you to spread it as far as possible because I want more people to hear this. Well, do I have something for you, jq.

[Jonquil Hill]

Ooh.

[Rachel Hampton]

Are you ready? Are you ready to hear some gossip?

[Jonquil Hill]

I am always ready to hear some gossip. Normal gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Rachel Hampton]

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[Jonquil Hill]

Oh my gosh. So I was working at a Washington bureau for a news organization and you know, I was not making a ton of money. The amount of money I was making is now an illegal amount to pay even a minimum wage worker. And I had to have a college degree for this job. Your girl was struggling, so one of my friends at work was like, hey, you have to be at work early quite a bit. I know you're tired of paying for Ubers at 3:30am how about you move into the house where I'm living? It's literally around the corner, walking distance. You can walk when it's dark out and not get kidnapped. And I was like, I love the Sound of that. Yeah, the rent was cheap. It was like 800 bucks a month for this room.

[Rachel Hampton]

Incredible.

[Jonquil Hill]

I know. It was a Craigslist house. It had central air. I did live with a lot of men. I shared a bathroom with one of my guy friends. We're now friends because of this. But I was like, wow, sharing a bathroom with a man.

[Rachel Hampton]

This is kind of a perfect segue into today's story. So one day, Iris goes to check out a place that seems too good to be true in her housing search. According to the pictures she had seen in a queer Facebook housing group, this place is a three story town with beautiful red brick and white trim. There's in unit laundry. The kitchen has a dishwasher. And in the pictures, it seems not just clean, but also well decorated. After the apartments that Iris has seen, this place looks like a palace. So the day Iris goes to check out this place, she's doing that thing where she's kind of telling herself that her expectations are low, when in reality they're like sky high. Have you ever walked into like an apartment or a house and kind of just known that it was right for you?

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. That's the feeling Iris has as she walks down the terracotta stepping stones that lead to the front door. She walks past the in this house we believe in science yard sign. She goes up the steps to the porch, which has a gorgeous set of rocking chairs that Iris can already picture reading a book in with a glass of wine on a warm evening. At this point, Iris has just fully dispensed with the fiction of having low expectations and is just silently praying to the housing gods that the roommates be normal when the front door opens, revealing a man in beautiful silk pajamas holding a wine glass. How would you react to this?

[Jonquil Hill]

You know, I could be like, oh, he's living his soft life. I too want to live a soft life. But also, are you always at these PJs, like, hold on now, do you have a job? But also, that's not my business as long as the ring getting paid.

[Rachel Hampton]

So, hey, all fair reactions. Iris doesn't really have a chance to react because before she can say anything, the man in the pajamas says welcome. And then he asks her, would you like some? He turns with a swish of silk and then ushers Iris inside, where Iris is greeted by between seven to ten other men.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh.

[Rachel Hampton]

They all say hello in that sort of sing songy way that people do when they're buzzed. And it's immediately clear to Iris that she has stumbled across elder millennials in their natural habitat. At brunch, there are remnants of a mimosa station on the counter. The man in the silk pajamas presses a glass of Iris hand before giving her a tour of the townhouse, which is somehow even more beautiful in person. The room Iris will be taking is on the second story, and it' only bedroom on that floor. Which means she would have her own bathroom.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh.

[Rachel Hampton]

I knew you would appreciate that. When she looks out the window, there's a stunning view of the tree lined street. Iris is already picturing where her furniture will go. And she hasn't even met the other inhabitants of the townhouse, who luckily seem lovely. So the inhabitants of the house are Blake, who is the man in the silk. He shares the master bedroom with his partner, Michael. Blake is a creative director at an ad agency, which helps explain how his hair is so beautiful. He's got one of those, like, trendy middle part hairstyles that looks a little bit fascist on most people, but makes Blake look like Milo Thatcher in the Atlantis movie.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, I see his vibe. I see his vibe.

[Rachel Hampton]

Meanwhile, his partner Michael kind of looks like the embodiment of a dark gray Patagonia vest. He's even wearing a button down at a brunch in his own house. Iris learns that the brunch is actually a welcome back brunch for Blake and Michael, who recently returned from their honeymoon. And despite having just met them, Iris is immediately thrilled for their recent wedding. The third roommate is Aiden, a bartender and a college classmate of Michael's. And then finally, there is the most important roommate of all, Noodle, Blake and Michael's border collie. Noodle is possibly the cutest dog that Iris has ever seen.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, my gosh. Okay, so I see it. I see the sitcom unfolding. It's like, oh, we get into the hijinks. I'm the younger one, and I'm like, these are my elder millennial dads and their dog, and we're going to get through life saving money, et cetera.

[Rachel Hampton]

Exactly. And this is all the information Iris has before she has to make a decision.

[Jonquil Hill]

Wait, I don't like that. Hold on now.

[Rachel Hampton]

So would you take this room?

[Jonquil Hill]

Hold on. We need to have a little sit down. We need to talk. Hey, what is the chore situation? Like, what's the bill breakdown? I'm going to have a few questions. I probably would have brought a friend with me. We would bring a tape measure because I need to know how the furniture fits. But admittedly, this is my 30 something brain and not my 20 something brain. So I probably would be like, how much is the rent? I can afford that. Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So one of Iris favorite shows is new girl. So before she even finishes her glass of she says yes. Blake pours her another glass in celebration. And Iris is absolutely positive. She has just made the best decision of her life. She moves in a few weeks later, and living in the townhouse goes great for the most part.

[Jonquil Hill]

What does that mean, the most part? What's that?

[Rachel Hampton]

I'm so glad you asked. Everything Iris loved about the apartment remains true. Her room, absolutely gorgeous. When the weather is nice, Noodle the dog wears a little red bandana on her walks. And when it rains, she has a little yellow raincoat. Iris is just constantly on the verge of tears looking at this dog because she's so perfect. And living with three men in their mid-30s as a 20 something fresh out of college has its perks. The chore chart is more detailed than most of Iris final exams, but she hasn't seen so much as a fruit fly since she walked in. Plus, Michael and Blake take pity on Iris the first time they catch her eating ramen for dinner two nights in a row. If they have any leftovers, whenever they cook, which is almost every night, they let Iris have them. Since Aiden works nights, Iris almost never sees him. It's kind of a dream. Until the first roommate accountability meeting. Okay, jq, what do you think a roommate accountability meeting is?

[Jonquil Hill]

Um, you either have it when an issue pops up, or if you're smart, you have it maybe regularly, maybe monthly, maybe other month where it's just like, hey, how are things going? I noticed there are some dishes left. Can we please work on that? I noticed that, like, hey, you were a little late on your share of the Internet. Like, let's work on that. Or like, hey, I want to have a party. Is that cool with y'all? Like, it's just little roommate check ins. It could be healthy. It could also be a very big source of drama.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Iris has no idea what a roommate accountability meeting is. She just gets a text from Michael one night that says, looks like everyone's home ram tonight. Clean RAM is obviously the acronym for roommate accountability meeting.

[Jonquil Hill]

I would need that clarified because I would need to know what's happening. I'm like, hold on.

[Rachel Hampton]

What? What? Yeah. So rams happen once every quarter, and they are run by Michael, and he describes them as forums to address any unresolved issues. So in practice, what that looks like is a lot of calling in about Improperly loaded dishwasher racks or unsorted recycling. Even Blake, who is Michael's partner, doesn't escape scrutiny. At Iris very first roommate accountability meeting, Michael gently reminds Blake that clothes are not to be left in the washing machine overnight, and if they are, they must be washed again before being put into the dryer to avoid odor. Iris is like, I wish to never be called in. Iris is one of those people that teachers called a pleasure to have in class relatable. She is a rule follower, a people pleaser, a submissive for courtesy. How do you think this vibe would mesh with Michael's? Which isn't unlike that of a benevolent dictator?

[Jonquil Hill]

It's what my mother calls nicety. Nice, nasty. When you're nicety. I could see Michael being nicety, and I could see Iris kind of rolling over and be like, okay, I'll get it next time. Or like, oh, sorry. And just sort of walking on eggshells in the home. Like, oh, gotta fold that. Oh, I have to make sure. Like, unfortunately for Iris, he has a bit of a minion now. He has a yes woman in his midst. She's not gonna push back. And she's 22. Yeah. And there's a gender dynamic. No matter how welcoming we are, it's gonna be like, yes, sir.

[Rachel Hampton]

Michael adores Iris because she does everything he says. In the roommate accountability meetings, he always praises her for how thoroughly she vacuums the living room rugs. One time, Michael texted the roommate group chat with a photo of Iris bathroom with a text that's waxing poetic about how clean the tub is. It also helps that Iris doesn't really think any of the house rules are super unreasonable. It's like, take the trash out on time. No dishes in the sink overnight. Perishable food in the fridge needs to be eaten or thrown out within two weeks. Oh, there are more rules, but they're kind of all of this nature. So it's less the rules and more the enforcement of them that lends Michael his benevolently dictatorial energy. Within a few weeks of moving in, Iris learns a few important facts. First, Michael isn't just the longest resident of the house. He's the owner of it. Iris wishes she had known that Michael is not just her roommate, but her landlord when she moved in. But it's too late for that.

[Jonquil Hill]

That's crazy to not disclose.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So important fact number one, Michael's the landlord. Important fact number two, Michael is a very talented woodworker. He had built not just the beautiful table in the dining room, but also the Rocking chairs on the porch. All to say, Michael has good reason to be hyper vigilant about coasters, which he very much is. Iris is honestly a little impressed by Michael's ability to throw a party that is both orderly and fun. She sees this ability in action on a semi monthly basis because Blake and Michael are the party friends of their friend group. They're the kind of friend group that's gonna celebrate National PI Day, not because any of them are mathematicians or because they particularly love PI, but because it's an excuse to eat dessert and drink wine. I respect that.

[Jonquil Hill]

I respect that.

[Rachel Hampton]

And it's at one of these parties that Iris is introduced to Teddi. Jq, do you have, like, tertiary friends?

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, yeah. Where it's like friends on the outskirts, where I'm the main character of my own life.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes.

[Jonquil Hill]

For instance, when there are large life events, it's like, the show's not getting canceled. We're getting a spinoff. Oh, it's the season finale. We'll be back for sweeps. Like, that's how I think of it. And those like friends of friends. It's like, what a fun recurring character.

[Rachel Hampton]

Exactly. Teddy is a recurring character. He is a tertiary friend of Aiden, our hot bartender roommate, who is barely present. If you ask Aiden, he honestly couldn't even remember how he met Teddy. But what Aiden does know about Teddy is that Teddi's workplace is always hiring, which is why Aiden introduces Iris to Teddi in the final month of her fellowship when she is desperate for a job.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, I love that. There are things from the girlboss era I have not let go. And one of them is networking.

[Rachel Hampton]

Teddi works for an arts education nonprofit that, like a lot of nonprofits, has a really high turnover rate. Iris immediately sets out to charm Teddi, which turns out to be really easy because Teddi also loves New girl and also has a crush on Max Greenfield. After a few minutes of conversation, Teddi's like, I'm gonna do my very best to make sure you get one of these jobs that have opened up. And he is true to his word. Iris gets the job and immediately decides that Teddi needs to become her new work bestie, which is very easy because Teddi is like me and could talk to a brick wall. How do you feel about pranks?

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, I hate that. Do not prank me. Do not prank me. I do not like that. I do not know.

[Rachel Hampton]

Ooh, Ooh.

[Jonquil Hill]

Now I just got so mad.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Teddy loves a good prank, and he has a lot of thoughts on what makes a good Prank. So good pranks have some important qualities. They have to be low stakes but not lazy. So Teddi's not doing a whoopee cushion unless he's sitting on them. Good pranks cannot humiliate or embarrass the person being pranked.

[Jonquil Hill]

Okay, all right.

[Rachel Hampton]

And good pranks do not involve jump scares.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, okay. All right. Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Iris learns about Teddi's love for pranks within her first week of starting at the nonprofit. She comes into work one day and sees that the family photo that she had pinned to the wall of her cubicle had been replaced with an almost identical copy that had Teddi Photoshopped in.

[Jonquil Hill]

Okay, that's a little funny.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's a good enough Photoshop job that Iris actually ends up keeping the tampered photo and displaying it alongside the original, which Teddi gives back immediately. So, all in all, Iris is pretty pleased with her choice of work bestie. She's even more pleased when, a few months after starting her new job, Teddy is invited to a party at the townhouse. Since he's a tertiary friend, he's not always invited. But this party is bigger than usual because it's a going away party for Aiden, who is finally taking the plunge and moving to Arizona. A couple of hours have passed in this party, and Iris is appropriately tipping. Her and Teddi are gossiping in a corner about one of their mutual co workers, one of life's great joys, when in the middle of this conversation, Teddy turns to Iris and says, watch this. And without further explanation, he turns and kind of sidles his way across the room right into a conversation with a few of Michael and Blake's friends. Iris is watching, not sure what Teddy is up to. And she only gets more confused when she sees Teddy's fingers slide across a bookshelf behind him until they come across a little decorative figurine. And then, without anyone but Iris noticing, Teddy takes the figurine off the bookshelf and hides it under his sweater. Teddy makes eye contact with Iris, who mouths, what are you doing? And Teddy winks and then gives a signal that says he'll explain later. Just play it cool for now. What do you think is going on?

[Jonquil Hill]

I don't know. It's giving Fleabag. You know how, like in Fleabag she steals that statue?

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes, in the first season.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah. But also, ugh, this is why I hate pranks. Stop. Be normal.

[Rachel Hampton]

So since Iris has lived in the townhouse for about nine months now, she is more than familiar with the figurine that Teddi has just Nicked. It is about like 8 inches in height, and it's made from that sort of shiny gold metal that almost everything in anthropology is made out of. But the most important thing about this statue is that it looks exactly like Noodle the dog. It looks so much like Noodle that when Iris first noticed it a few months after she moved in, she had asked Blake which had come first, the dog or the dog statue. Blake had sort of rolled his eyes and been like, ugh, that fucking thing is so tacky, before explaining that it had been a wedding gift. One of those things that he and Michael had thrown onto their registry after too many proseccos. He'd actually wanted to get rid of it when it showed up on their doorstep. But Michael had fallen in love with the little gold statue. The shelf that Teddi had just nicked the statue off of was even specially built into the bookcase by Michael just to display the statue.

[Jonquil Hill]

That's a little crazy.

[Rachel Hampton]

So as soon as Iris gets a moment to ask, she's like, teddi, why did you take that statue? You know Michael loves that thing, right? And Teddy kind of starts giggling before revealing that he had actually been the one to buy the statue off the wedding registry. Because Teddi was knowingly a B list invitation to Michael and Blake's wedding. This is actually one of Teddi's favorite situations to be in. He loves being the fun friend that's invited after, like, great Aunt Mildred decides not to attend. But part of being that friend meant that almost everything that was both affordable and practical on Blake and Michael's registry had already been bought by the time Teddy was invited. Thus the dog statue. And now Teddy has a brilliant idea for the dog statue. He wants to pull a prank. Huge news. Our dowager queen Kelsey McKinney wrote a new York Times best selling book of beautiful ess about gossip. It's called you'd didn't hear this from me. Mostly true notes on gossip and I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and West Elm, Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun. And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback and a super sexy audiobook which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can also go to KelseyMcKinneyBook.com to see all retailers. Think about a wedding that you've recently attended or been a part of. And what you loved about it was it the food, the venue, the music? Or was it the fact that the couple seemed totally at ease both during the wedding and the wedding planning process? There's no denying that a lot of us are at an age where we're either thinking about getting married, just got married, or are a seasoned wedding guest. So no matter what stage you're in, you need to use Zola. Zola is modern wedding planning for modern couples. No lie. With Zola, you can plan your entire wedding in one convenient place. And not only does Zola have every tool you need to make planning enjoyable, from making your vendor search non anxiety inducing to wedding websites and an instant registry that you can literally build with one click. They also really get you from challenging the expectation that one person will do all the planning work to reminding you that there's no right way to do things, only what's right for you. Zola will have your back from day one to the wedding day with tons of unique features, including a budget tool that helps you build and manage your budget. Every Zola wedding is as unique as the couple planning it. Start [e-mail] that's Z O L A One of the most empowering things about financial health is knowing that even the smallest step forward can make a really big difference in your financial future. When you open a Chime checking account, you are one step closer to a better financial future. With no maintenance fees, fee free overdraft up to $200 or getting paid up to two days earlier with direct deposit, making progress has never been easier. Learn [e-mail] gossip you can join millions of Chime members who are working on financial progress. A Chime Checking account helps you make progress with a fee free overdraft up to $200 and you get access to over 50,000 fee free ATMs. To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion. Make progress towards a better financial future with Chime. Open your account in 2 [e-mail] gossip that is chime.com gossip Chime feels like progress. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members. FDIC Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. These apply at out of network ATMs. My pay eligibility requirements apply. Credit limits range 20 to $500. $2 fee applies to get funds instantly. Chime Checking account required. Go to chime.com disclosures for details. Teddi has this brilliant idea of doing a flat Stanley with the noodle, the dog statue which basically entails taking pictures of the noodle the dog statue in various locations across the city. Do you remember Teddi's rules for a good prank?

[Jonquil Hill]

Ooh, low stakes, not embarrassing, no physical situations.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Do you think this qualifies?

[Jonquil Hill]

I mean, I guess it's low stakes. It's not embarrassing, but it is a thing of like, oh, no, where's my statue? And now I'm tearing up the house. I'm concerned, I'm crying. I'm probably gone on a witch hunt with several friends. My man hates it. I'm about to accuse my man of hiding it because he hated it. Therefore, he hates me. Why are we even married if you hate me now? We're divorced.

[Rachel Hampton]

I love how quickly this escalated to divorce.

[Jonquil Hill]

I live life on the edge, so.

[Rachel Hampton]

I have a feeling you think Michael will not take kindly to this prank.

[Jonquil Hill]

He's very particular. He. No offense to Virgos. He sounds like a Virgo.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So at this point, Iris has had several jello shots.

[Jonquil Hill]

That's great.

[Rachel Hampton]

And she's remembering how funny the Photoshop picture of her family is and how much she loves it now. And Teddi's her work bestie, which is the most sacred of relationships when you're 22. So Iris says, go forth. I'll keep your secret. Do you think this is a good idea?

[Jonquil Hill]

I would not have said go forth. I would. I'm just a very. Like, I didn't see.

[Rachel Hampton]

I'm not involved.

[Jonquil Hill]

My name's Bennett, and I ain't in it.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So the next day is Saturday, and it's the kind of typical Saturday morning after a party. Everyone is sort of barely conscious. The townhouse is immaculate, though, because of Michael's post party protocol, which is called post party protocol. Iris is watching Michael perform the second part of his inspection when she sees his spine sort of stiffen. A second later, he drops his cup of coffee.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh.

[Rachel Hampton]

Blake, who's been hanging out on the couch with Iris, is like, babe, what just happened? Because Michael doesn't drop things, Michael turns toward Blake and Iris. He's as white as a sheet. It's gone. Michael says, Iris starts kind of like, sinking into the couch. She's like, I'm not here. And Michael's like, the statue of Noodle is gone. Blake's like, oh, is that all? Michael is apoplectic. He's like, is that all? Is that all? What do you mean, is that all? Did you not hear me? It's gone. Someone stole it. Blake's like, honey, I don't think anyone would steal that statue. It probably just fell behind the Bookcase or something. Iris is like, yeah, it's probably behind the bookcase.

[Jonquil Hill]

Here's the thing, Iris. This is a really important part of being a gossip monger. Playing dumb. Being like, what? Wait, what happened? No, wait, girl, tell me, like, what?

[Rachel Hampton]

So it sounds like what you would do if you were Iris right now is play dumb.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah, I don't even remember what it looks like. Could you show me a picture and like, I'll help you look for.

[Rachel Hampton]

You and Iris are actually on the exact same wavelength here. So Iris just kind of keeps her mouth shut and helps Michael when he asks her for help searching the area around the bookcase. She helps him when he widens the search to the living room. She helps him when he widens the search to the dining room and the kitchen. Within an hour, they have searched the entire townhouse. And as Iris expected, the statue doesn't turn up. Blake cares no more than he did an hour ago. When Michael returns to the living room, Blake very gently is like, babe, we can just buy another one. I'm pretty sure it's from West Elm, but do you have anything in your house that you're just like maybe a little too attached to something that if it was gone, you would just be like, I know I'm not acting rationally, but I'm so upset.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, girl. All types of stuff. Like for instance, I went to the Renaissance world tour and I picked up a little silver cowboy hat. I was like, that'll be my little thing. Here's the thing. Big Beyonce fan. I have the memory of the show. I've had parties and people love to put my little cowboy hat on when they leave the party. If someone walked out with it, I would be like, my cowboy. Like, it's my cowboy hat. But it's not the end of the world because it's like, you're going to cowboy Carter. Get another hat.

[Rachel Hampton]

No, that's real. So Michael burst into tears after this.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, oh, Michael.

[Rachel Hampton]

And at this point, Iris is like, I gotta get outta here. She has done enough fake searching that she feels able to go safely hide in her room. At this point, as soon as she's in her room, she checks the partiful invite and sees that Michael has just written a post that starts with, I have been a victim of a crime in my own home and ends with, I will find you and report you to the proper authorities. Michael has also replied to his own post with a photo of his tear stained face so that the thief can see the emotional damage.

[Jonquil Hill]

That's probably how I react. If I received that text, I'd be like, girl.

[Rachel Hampton]

Iris is panicking. She texts Teddy, who seemingly isn't awake yet, and Michael is starting to go vigilante mode. He spends an hour squirreled away in his office and emerges with bloodshot eyes and a stack of posters that have clearly been hastily designed on Canva. The poster includes an image of the statue, an image of Noodle for reference, and it offers a $250 reward for any information, not even the return of the statue. At what point do you think a prank becomes a crime?

[Jonquil Hill]

When there's bloodshed.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's a good line to draw.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So Iris makes up a birthday party she has to attend that night so she doesn't get roped into spending her Saturday night posting flyers for a statue that costs, like, $75 max. And it's as she's leaving for her party that Teddi finally texts her back, and she calls him as soon as she's a block away from the house.

[Jonquil Hill]

I'd be even further, child. Let me go a Metro stop away. I'm not about to play with y'all.

[Rachel Hampton]

Iris is like, dude, you have to return the statue. Michael's freaking out. And at first, Teddi's like, you're just not used to pulling pranks. It's fine. This always happens. But then Iris makes him check the particle where a witch hunt is currently ensuing. Only one lone voice of reason has commented, maybe it was just a prank. To which Michael has responded. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like pranks, okay?

[Jonquil Hill]

Michael and I have that in common. Don't prank me. Do not prank me.

[Rachel Hampton]

What do you think are Iris and Teddy's options here?

[Jonquil Hill]

Okay, here are the options. Teddi, you have taken your Polaroids, you did your flat, Stanley, you return it and include a very nice bottle of wine, maybe some cash money, moolah for this man's dramatic ass. Yeah, this really is like an episode of New Girl. So she got exactly what she wanted. Because the thing is, if Teddy sneaks back in and puts it in there, it's going to be very obvious that it was Teddy.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, he's a tertiary friend.

[Jonquil Hill]

What they're going to have to do, Teddy is going to have to get the statue to Iris, and somehow Iris is going to have to get it back in there. When hopefully none of them notice.

[Rachel Hampton]

Iris is like, why don't I just come to your place, get the statue, and I'll return it? Teddy is immediately like, you can't return it. I don't want you to get into any trouble over my stupid idea. He's like, what if I just deliver it to the door and run away? Like, ding dong ditch style? Iris is like, that's not gonna work. Michael and Blake have cameras at every door to the house because this neighborhood is notorious for package thievery. She's like, the minute they find the box, they're gonna go back through the camera footage to find out, and they're gonna see that it's you. And so Teddi's like, oh, damn. And they're both quiet for a minute, and then Teddi's like, okay, what about this? What if I hire an Uber driver to come pick up the statue from my place and then drop it off at Yalls place? That way it'll be someone Michael and Blake can't recognize. Do you see any problem with this plan?

[Jonquil Hill]

It's doing a lot, I guess. But also, someone has to be there to pick it up. I don't know, mail it to them.

[Rachel Hampton]

Without a return address, Iris can't really think of anything better. So she's like, yeah, fine, whatever. Teddi has plans that Saturday night, so the reverse heist will have to take place the next day. So Iris spends the next day and night just sick to her stomach from stress. Missing statue posters are just plastered across their neighborhood. When Iris, like, ventures outside her room, she can hear Michael and Blake talking in, like, tense, hushed tones in the kitchen. At one point, Aiden and Michael actually get into a little fight. Michael is convinced that since the statue was stolen the night that Aiden had control of the guest list, that Aiden should be doing more to help find the statue. Aiden is busy packing to move to Arizona and preparing for his shift at the bar. And so at first, he's calm and he's like, I'll do as much as possible. I text my friends, et cetera, et cetera. But then he starts getting a little angry as Michael kind of keeps, like, badgering him. And finally he says, none of my friends would want your stupid statue. Which is real and fair. What maybe isn't fair is what Aiden says next. Aiden, perhaps emboldened by the fact that he's moving out, is like, and another thing, fuck your roommate accountability meetings. This isn't hr. It's a house.

[Jonquil Hill]

O. Although I do think meeting reg. I don't know. I'm a check in. Maybe Michael and I are just girl bosses lost in the wrong era. Because you do have to check in. But everyone should take turns running the meeting.

[Rachel Hampton]

Aiden also tells Michael that he will not be sharing his special spicy mojito recipe when he moves out, which is Michael's favorite recipe. So morale is bad in the house. All to say, the only person no one is angry at is Iris. Which is maybe why Blake asks Iris if she'll watch the Oscars with them that Sunday night. He even says he'll buy her takeout. Iris knows the bribe when she sees one. But Michael and Blake also exclusively order from the kind of restaurants that Iris can't afford, so she's not going to say no to that. This is exactly how Iris finds herself on the couch between Blake and Michael, who are talking to each other in that sort of clip tone that couples talk in when they're fighting. But there's someone else in the room.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, they're keeping it cute. Why'd you invite me? Just fight.

[Rachel Hampton]

So they're watching the 94th Academy Awards. It's Sunday night. It has now been 33 hours since the statue went missing. Do you watch the Oscars?

[Jonquil Hill]

Most of the time I do. I did. Not this year, but most of the time I do like an award show. The thing about the Oscars, though, they don't have a lot of musical performances, and that's kind of what draws me in.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's fair. Iris doesn't really care about the Oscars that much, so she sort of just like, half watches the ceremony, which is pretty boring. That year, she's mostly watching her film. The ceremony has just cut to commercial when Teddi finally texts her that the Uber is on its way to him. Iris is like, thank God my long national nightmare is almost over. A few minutes later, Teddi texts Iris again. He writes, okay, change of plan. Iris stomach just drops. Apparently, the Uber driver had gotten freaked out by Teddy's request. Teddy had had to show the Uber driver what was in the box that he had wanted delivered. And even after seeing the dog statue, the Uber driver had made Teddy get in the car too. So Iris is beginning to sweat. Luckily, they had ordered Thai for dinner, so she can blame her sweating on her extra spicy drunken noodles. Best documentary feature is about to be presented as Iris is sweating and Teddy is updating her on his location. Iris isn't just nervous because all of this is categorically insane. She's nervous because she knows that to get to the front door of the townhouse, you have to open, like, a little fence and go a couple feet to the door. And the sound of the fence opening always makes noodle bark. She texts Teddi, like, remind the driver that he shouldn't linger at the door too long. And Teddy's like, okay, got it. Iris is staring at the TV screen, seeing nothing. She barely registers Chris Rock, say Jada, I love you. GI Jane, too. Can't wait to see it. Do you remember what happened after this?

[Jonquil Hill]

Keep my wife's name.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Iris just immediately forgets her reverse heist. Because without warning, Will Smith goes from laughing at Chris Rock's joke to climbing up onto the stage. And, well, we all know what happened next. Immediately, the room dissolves into shrieks of, what the fuck just happened? Was that part of the show? Oh, my God, was that real? A full 10 minutes pass before any of them think to check their phones, at which point Iris learns that her reversed heist has hit yet another roadblock. Because while Will Smith was slapping the shit out of Chris Rock, the Uber driver had been getting more and more freaked out. And the situation isn't helped by the fact that Esque. As the car gets closer and closer to the townhouse, Teddy is just sliding further and further down the seat so he won't be visible from the outside. Instead of delivering the box to the door as planned, the Uber driver sort of just like, chucked it over the fence into the front yard, which is why Noodle hasn't barked. Iris is, like, silently dying inside. She keeps checking the app on her phone that's connected to the cameras to check on the package, which she can see is, like, right in the front yard. Luckily, Blake and Michael are engrossed in their phones trying to figure out what the fuck just happened on screen. There's, like, Zapruder film level analysis happening online of the minutes leading up to and immediately after the slap. Iris feels insane. She's like, what is going on tonight? Finally, though. Finally, Blake gets up to let Noodle out for the last pee of the night. And from the front porch, Iris hears Blake say, what the fuck is that?

[Jonquil Hill]

Ooh.

[Rachel Hampton]

Blake comes back into the house with the box and is like, did y'all order something? Michael and Iris are both shaking their head no. Iris is just, like, vibrating out of her skin watching Blake open this box.

[Jonquil Hill]

Let's open it. What's in it?

[Rachel Hampton]

She's channeling Oscar's worthy performance as she leans in. And it's a little easier to do because she's genuinely worried that the statue has maybe gotten damaged as it got thrown over the fence. So the gasp of shock she lets out when Blake pulls the unharmed statue out of the box is only half fake.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, my gosh.

[Rachel Hampton]

The house immediately descends into chaos for the second time. That Night, Michael screams and then cries and then goes to check the footage from the video cameras. This time, Iris shock is all real because the Uber driver was trying to keep as much of a distance from this whole thing as possible. Real fair. Same. He didn't come close enough to be caught on camera. Wow. All the camera sees is his arm tossing it in. Iris immediately texts us to Teddi, who is already safely home. Meanwhile, Michael just starts going theory mode. He is no longer convinced it was one of Ayden's friends because the thief obviously knew the exact visual range of their security cameras, which means it had to be an inside job.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, no. But what? Can't you just be happy?

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, Michael tries to get everyone to speculate with him about who could have possibly done this, but no one is biting because Iris is obviously keeping her mouth shut, and Blake is far more concerned with figuring out why Wilson just slapped Chris Rock.

[Jonquil Hill]

You know what? I would have gaslit Michael and be like, michael, did you do this? Michael, I know you live for drama. Michael, did you steal your own statue for the drama?

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, that's pretty much the end of the story. If you're Michael, do you ever let this go?

[Jonquil Hill]

Honestly, at every party, I'd be like, you guys want to hear a mystery? The weirdest thing happened. It was so weird.

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, that's our gossip today, Jonquila.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Hampton]

Thank you so much. Wow.

[Jonquil Hill]

I went on a journey along with Michael.

[Rachel Hampton]

We went on a journey together.

[Jonquil Hill]

Oh, my gosh. There really is nothing like housing hijinks, because it's like, who are these people and why are we doing this? No.

[Rachel Hampton]

Exactly. Staying with random roommates is just like, you're not my family. And somehow we are so intimate.

[Jonquil Hill]

Yeah. It's like, wait, are you my chosen family?

[Rachel Hampton]

No. Exactly. And then it's like, no, we're just bound together by lease.

[Jonquil Hill]

Wow. I'm so glad noodle and gold noodle are okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

We love noodle in this household. Thank you for listening to normal gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us@normal gossipefactor.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us us, become a friend or friend of a [e-mail] you can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normalgossip. You can follow me on all social media at heydanae. H E Y Y D N A E. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley. Ricks and Jay Tolviera. The co creators and dowager queens of Normal gossip are Alex Dujong Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is definitely Defectors projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors business guys. Alex sujong Laughlin is Defectors supervising producer. Tom Le is our Editor in chief. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store which you can find in normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art thank you to Katherine Shue, Brandi Jensen, Louise Pays Pumar, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wang, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford and Ray Rato for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host Rachel Hampton and remember you didn't hear this from me.

[Jonquil Hill]

Radiotopia from PRX.