The Couch and the Fuckboy with Scaachi Koul

Summary

Normal Gossip Episode Summary: "The Couch and the Fuckboy with Scaachi Koul"

Introduction

In the April 9, 2025 episode of Normal Gossip titled "The Couch and the Fuckboy with Scaachi Koul," host Rachel Hampton embarks on her inaugural episode of Season Eight. This season marks a significant transition as Rachel takes over from previous hosts Kelsey McKinney and Alex Sujong Laughlin, bringing a fresh perspective to the beloved podcast. Rachel introduces Sachi Koul, a senior writer at Slate and author of Sucker Punch, as her guest for the episode. Together, they delve into a compelling narrative that intertwines elements of gossip, deception, and collegiate drama.

Host Transition and Guest Introduction

At the outset ([01:11]–[03:08]), Rachel Hampton addresses longtime listeners, acknowledging the change in hosting duties from Kelsey to herself. She expresses her gratitude to the Normal Gossip team and the audience for their support during this transition. Rachel then warmly welcomes Sachi Koul, highlighting her impressive credentials, including her work at Slate, her documentary production, and her co-hosting role on the Scamfluencers podcast.

The Gossip Narrative: Morgan, Kobe, and the Elusive Couch

The core of the episode revolves around a fictionalized gossip story shared by Rachel and Sachi, featuring characters Morgan, Kobe, and Grant. This narrative serves as a vehicle to explore themes of trust, betrayal, and the complexities of interpersonal relationships within a college setting.

Setting the Scene (Late 2000s College Life)

Sachi sets the stage in the late aughts, capturing the essence of early 2000s college culture with references to music, fashion, and social dynamics ([14:46]–[17:19]). Morgan, an ambitious journalism student at a liberal arts university in the Pacific Northwest, is introduced as the protagonist. Her admiration for Grant, the editor-in-chief of the student newspaper, is established through his well-furnished townhouse and, notably, his exquisite marine blue couch.

The Promise and Betrayal

The plot thickens when Grant inadvertently promises Morgan the coveted blue couch. However, due to a miscommunication, the couch ends up with Kobe, Grant's roommate and the student newspaper's sports reporter. This betrayal sets off a series of manipulations and schemes as Morgan navigates her desire to reclaim the couch ([17:20]–[27:05]).

Summer Escapades and The Heist Plan

Morgan's summer is depicted as a mix of personal growth and strategic plotting. Upon returning, she discovers that Kobe has not maintained possession of the couch, leading her to devise a plan with her roommate, Robbie, to retrieve it. Their "heist" involves deceiving Robbie's parents to locate the couch, resulting in Morgan successfully reclaiming it ([27:06]–[39:16]).

The Confrontation

The climax unfolds during a student party where Kobe confronts Morgan about the couch. Through a humorous twist, it becomes evident that Kobe has mistaken Morgan's long-held loveseat for the actual couch, leading to a comedic resolution where Kobe's obsession is exposed, and Morgan's rightful ownership is affirmed ([39:17]–[52:55]).

Discussions and Analysis

Throughout the narrative, Sachi and Rachel interject with insightful commentary on the nature of gossip and its impact on social dynamics. They highlight how rumors and misinformation can fuel conflicts and misunderstandings, as evidenced by Kobe's unfounded accusations and Morgan's strategic maneuvers.

Notable discussions include:

• The Psychology of Gossip: Chris Duffy's interjections ([03:14]–[06:05]) delve into the inherent human inclination to gossip, arguing that those who deny gossiping are often the most deceitful.

  Chris Duffy ([03:14]): "Anybody who says they're not is a liar... I love hearing about things that don't really involve me."

• The Impact of Social Media: Sachi draws parallels between reality television and social media, emphasizing how curated narratives shape perceptions and behaviors ([04:05]–[04:28]).

  Sachi Cole ([04:17]): "The invisible hand of the production and what they think we want to see is actually very, very instructive."

• Ethics of Storytelling: The conversation touches upon ethical considerations when sharing gossip, especially concerning anonymity and privacy, as illustrated by Chris's anecdote about his censored gossip ([05:15]–[07:00]).

  Chris Duffy ([05:15]): "I deleted a lot of photos on Instagram... Why not?"

Notable Quotes

Several memorable quotes punctuate the episode, offering both humor and depth:

• On Gossip and Truth:

  Chris Duffy ([03:14]): "People who say they really don't like gossip are lying the most."

• On Reality vs. Perception:

  Sachi Cole ([04:05]): "The invisible hand of the production and what they think we want to see is actually very, very instructive."

• On Personal Anecdotes and Relatability:

  Chris Duffy ([21:19]): "I love you so much that I'm gonna sacrifice my own peace of mind for this couch."

• On Ethical Dilemmas:

  Morgan (Narrative): "How are you feeling if you were Morgan? Do you bribe someone under the guise of a friendship?"

Conclusions and Takeaways

The episode concludes with reflections on the nature of gossip and its pervasive role in shaping our interactions and societal norms. Rachel and Sachi underscore that gossip, while often seen as trivial or harmful, can reveal deeper truths about human behavior and social structures. The humorous yet insightful narrative about the couch serves as a microcosm for examining how rumors and personal agendas can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Rachel wraps up by encouraging listeners to share their own gossip stories, fostering a sense of community and shared intrigue that Normal Gossip thrives on.

Final Thoughts

"The Couch and the Fuckboy with Scaachi Koul" masterfully blends storytelling with analytical discussions, providing listeners with both entertainment and thoughtful commentary on the complexities of gossip. The episode not only delivers a captivating narrative but also invites reflection on the ethics and impact of sharing and consuming gossip in our daily lives.

Notable Timestamped Quotes

• Chris Duffy ([03:14]): "Anybody who says they're not is a liar... I love hearing about things that don't really involve me."

• Morgan (Narrative) ([27:43]): "Life can't get any better than this."

• Sachi Cole ([04:17]): "The invisible hand of the production and what they think we want to see is actually very, very instructive."

• Chris Duffy ([21:19]): "I love you so much that I'm gonna sacrifice my own peace of mind for this couch."

• Sachi Cole ([40:40]): "I set the couch on fire."

• Chris Duffy ([41:25]): "But don't tell anybody else."

Closing Remarks

Rachel Hampton concludes the episode by thanking listeners and providing information on how to submit gossip stories or support the podcast through subscriptions and social media engagement. The collaborative effort of the Normal Gossip team, including producers and creators, is acknowledged, highlighting the collective nature of the podcast's success.

---

This summary encapsulates the key elements and discussions from the "The Couch and the Fuckboy with Scaachi Koul" episode of Normal Gossip, offering a comprehensive overview for both returning listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Rachel Hampton]

Hey, listeners. So I recently had a super fun conversation with comedian Chris Duffy for a live taping of his show, a podcast from TED called How to Be a Better Human. The episode is out now where we talk about the crossover between gossiping and our morality. Does gossip make society better? Does it not? What is good gossiping? We got deep into gossiping as a concept and we even got some super juicy gossip from the audience. But you shouldn't just check out my episode. Chris's show has so many bad, fascinating conversations with experts about topics from setting boundaries to dating in 2025, leaving you with a little more information on how you can move through your life as a better you. Check out how to Be a Better Human wherever you get your podcast. Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Y well, we're back. You're listening to the very first episode of season eight, and I might be.

[Sachi Cole]

Biased, but I feel like this season.

[Rachel Hampton]

Is shaping up to be pretty damn good. If you haven't tuned in in a while, you might be thinking, this bitch doesn't sound like Kelsey. And you would be right. I am very much not Kelsey. At the end of season seven, Normal Gossip underwent a peaceful transition of power and, well, I'm the captain now. If you'd like more details on the transition and our feelings around them, go listen to the finale of season seven. I'm going to be so briefly vulnerable here since I know a lot of.

[Sachi Cole]

You skipped this part.

[Rachel Hampton]

And I'm going to say that stepping into the host chair of no More Gossip is literally a dream come true for me. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little bit nervous. I've been a fan of this show since it launched, which means I know I have got some big and very cute shoes to fill. I am eternally grateful not just to Kelsey and Alex and the whole Normal Gossip team for giving me this opportunity. I'm also so, so grateful to y'all, the audience, for giving me a chance. I have a feeling we're going to.

[Sachi Cole]

Have a good time together.

[Rachel Hampton]

If you want to have an even better time together, we have a newsletter and subscriber episodes. If you upgrade your subscription to friend or friend of a friend, in the subscriber episodes, you get exclusive bits of Gossip. They're all pretty good. Now, if you've been tuning in and are now thinking, I know all of this already, give me the Gossip. Well, you're in luck, because I'm done with my little spiel, and I'm now ready to introduce the very first guest of season eight of Normal Gossip. I am so thrilled to be joined by none other than Sachi Cole. Sachi is a senior writer at Slate and the author of two books. Her most recent book, Sucker Punch, just came out in March, and it is a beautiful collection of essays. Saatchi also produced a documentary, Girls Gone the Untold Story, and she is a co host of the Scamfluencers podcast.

[Sachi Cole]

Sachi, welcome. My first question is, do you consider yourself a gossip?

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, I think anybody who says they're not is a liar. Actually, those people are lying the most. People who are like, I really don't like gossip. Liar. Those are the people who say gossip under the sheen of faux concern. And that's worse. It is like, I don't want, like, dramatic, bad gossip. I don't like it when it's, like, people are gossiping about, like, a awful breakup or a terrible, like, terrible stuff. Like, that sucks. But, like, ooh, mild work conflict at a place that I don't work. Yum, yum. Delicious snacky. For snacky, I must eat. So, yeah, I love hearing about things that don't really involve me. I don't believe all of it. I don't believe all of it.

[Sachi Cole]

And that's what makes you a good journalist. Thank you.

[Chris Duffy]

But it is interesting. Even when it's false, it is interesting to think about what falsities we invent about each other or about ourselves and why we do it. So I even think, then it's still interesting.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's very revealing.

[Sachi Cole]

This is the same way I feel about reality television, where people say, because it's produced, that it doesn't say anything real. And I'm like, no. The invisible hand of the production and what they think we want to see is actually very, very instructive.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. And the people on those shows often know that and what they choose to feed into and what they choose not to feed into. They're pretty savvy. So that's. I mean, no decision is a decision.

[Sachi Cole]

I mean, I have to ask, now that we're here, Sachi, what is your relationship to gossip?

[Chris Duffy]

You know, I was thinking this the other day that when I started, like, my divorce process and when I was starting the separation, I was really mad and offended that people weren't telling me that I was the subject of more gossip. Like, I would call my friends and be like, hey, has anybody asked, like, what's going on? Yeah, like, I deleted a lot of photos on Instagram. I'm posting like a mentally ill person. Surely somebody has been like, hey, what's going on with. With Sachi and her marriage and all my friends? And they wouldn't lie to me because they do not care. Were like, oh, yeah, no one's asked. And I was like, why not?

[Sachi Cole]

What the fuck?

[Chris Duffy]

And I'm. I'm still a little offended about that, frankly. So I love gossip. I think there's lots of gradations of it and layers of it. I think it's all good and I like it. And I want gossip. And I also, I want this on the record, that for this show, you guys do a pre interview and you asked me to bring a piece of gossip, which I did, and it was deemed too hot to air. And I would like to discuss that. I just want to be told that I have some credit for somehow bringing a morsel too hot to air by the gossip show. I have to talk to God.

[Sachi Cole]

You should definitely get credit for that, to be clear. Thank you. Unfortunately, we go through a rigorous legal process.

[Chris Duffy]

It was impossible. I didn't know. I was like, there's no way. Told you guys. And then as I hung up, laughed for 100 years. I was like, there's no way they're going to be able to air that. There's no way to anonymize it. Everybody would know immediately. And by the way, when I say everyone would know, I mean, conservatively, 500 people would immediately know who this one person was. And I loved the thought of one of you having a phone call with a lawyer being like.

[Sachi Cole]

We got a piece of gossip.

[Chris Duffy]

On the note of gossip, one of my private joys is knowing that I have said something that gets back to a lawyer who then, like the heavy sigh every time a lawyer sighs because of something I've said, my ass gets a little bit fatter. And I feel it like I knew. I was like, oh, they called the lawyer. I look thick.

[Sachi Cole]

You wake up in the morning, you're like, I look particularly stacked today. Six lawyers.

[Chris Duffy]

Six lawyers at AT&T are currently screaming my name into the sky. At, AT and T. I just picked a telecommunications company I don't work for.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah, you have the rare honor of giving us a piece of gossip that we could not air. But a little Brady told me that you have some airable gossip for me.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a story about my own flagellation, certainly. Yeah. Okay. So when you write a book, they give you an advanced version of it. I have one. It's just, like, a little loose paperback that they give you so that you can give it to people, whatever else. So I received one from my publisher, and I went to my office to go pick it up because that's where I had it sent for safekeeping. And I was, like, walking through Brooklyn and having, like, a really nice day and looking at it and being like, wow, I did it. How exciting. And then I get on the train and I'm still looking at the book. I'm by myself. I'm living in peace, right? And I have it open. I'm, like, looking at a random page, and I have it open, and I just hear Sachi. And I, like, slowly lower the book with my name on it as if, like, I can't read. Like a billboard. The book could have been a mask of my own face holding it up. And it's you.

[Sachi Cole]

And you're.

[Chris Duffy]

And I haven't seen you in months.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah.

[Chris Duffy]

And you're like, hey, are you reading your own book on the subway? And I had to be like, yeah, but not like that. I was just checking that it was.

[Sachi Cole]

My booking, that it's real.

[Chris Duffy]

What if they put, like, the different book in the same cover? Sometimes that happens, you know, like, you buy. I don't know when that would happen. Like, it was like a. Like a bottom two experience. And then I have to. And then. And then we had to go to different places. So I talked to you for a few seconds, and then you got off the train to go to. You were going to the gym.

[Sachi Cole]

I think I was, yeah.

[Chris Duffy]

And I had to sit on the train. And there were people. There were other people who watched this interaction, and then, like, looked at me and they were like, oh, you wrote a book, huh? And I'm like, yeah, it's. It's this one that I was reading on the subway.

[Sachi Cole]

It's out in March that I'm holding right now. Can I tell you my experience of this moment?

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, I guess.

[Sachi Cole]

So. I get on the train. It's very early for me. I know this is a morning workout based on how out of it I was. I look up, and I'm pretty sure I'd already seen your cover on Instagram. And so I saw the book first, and I was just like, oh, my God, someone has a gallery of Sachi's book already. The street team is really out here. That's incredible. And then I look up further, and I'm like, oh, my God, it's Sachi. I haven't seen her in months. And then I thought, this is going to be hilarious.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like, and I like, it was funny because for some reason earlier in the day, I was thinking about how I never run into anybody, despite the fact that, like, we live in the same neighborhood and there's a lot of people I know who live around here and I just never see anybody. And not that I'm willing this into, but clearly I did. And so I was thinking of it, and then there you are. I have to do the face off operation and change my name and go into witness protection. It was so embarrassing. And then when I got my physical copy, I went to go pick that up and I was on the train. I was like, I'm not fucking taking this goddamn book out. You couldn't pay me. I'm going to read it in the dark, alone, as God intended.

[Sachi Cole]

You could have summoned me. I feel like whenever you hold your book in public and you're reading it out.

[Chris Duffy]

No, I'm worried. It's not that I'm worried. It's something embarrassing, like my pants are going to fall off and then you're.

[Sachi Cole]

Going to be there.

[Chris Duffy]

Like, it's not. I don't know that it's the book. I worry that it's like, I'm going to do something self effacing and like, simultaneously so narcissistic and like, belittling at the same time. So made me feel so small and yet so big. Like, that's what I'm worried about.

[Sachi Cole]

Meanwhile, I was like, this is exactly what I would do if I had just gotten the galley of my book. I would also be reading it on the train.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, you're more generous than me. And I will tell you this, If I ever catch you on the subway reading your own book, I would have not. You were nice enough to say my name, so I looked up. I would have taken a thousand photos of it and I wouldn't have said anything to you. I would have left and just posted them, tagged you and been like, looks like someone learned how to read. I would be way meaner about it. That's what was making me so crazy. I was like, this is simultaneously so embarrassing and a huge missed opportunity for her. She's too nice. She's never gonna do it. But a real, A real monster like myself would have done something with this.

[Sachi Cole]

The thing is, you did do it. You posted about it on Instagram like you outed yourself.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. Cause I remember thinking, I was like, this is a total missed opportunity. If only an asshole ran into me like this. They could really make a meal out of it. And instead it was like you and you were being so genteel. You were like, oh, are you going to the gym? I'm like, I have to go figure out a plan. I have to get my estate in order because I have to die.

[Sachi Cole]

I have to go into witness protection. Yeah. I left that conversation being like, I can't wait to get a galley Asaji's book and we're gonna go work out together. Yeah.

[Chris Duffy]

And I'm like, guillotine.

[Sachi Cole]

And you're like, I wanna die.

[Chris Duffy]

I have to die. It's time to die. Yeah. We were having very different days.

[Sachi Cole]

That was beautiful. I love that gossip. I love that I was privy to that gossip. Yeah.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh great.

[Sachi Cole]

Are you ready to hear some gossip for me? Yes.

[Chris Duffy]

Yes.

[Sachi Cole]

All right, here we go.

[Rachel Hampton]

In case you missed it, the EPA just banned two cancer causing chemicals and there's a good chance they're in a ton of your clean cleaning products. Don't take any chances with your family, your pets or your health. Switch your old cleaning products for Blueland. They're EPA safe for choice certified. So I can trust that they only use safe, clean and effective ingredients. Blueland is on a mission to eliminate single use plastic by reinventing cleaning essentials to be better for you and the planet with the same powerful clean you're used to. The idea is simple. They offer refillable cleaning products with a beautiful cohesive design that look great on your counter. I am obsessed with Blueland's product design. I love dropping the little tablet into my toilet. It fizzes up like a bath bomb. It makes cleaning the toilet the most fun it's ever been in my entire adult life. Celebrate Earth Month and make the switch today. Get 15% off your first order by going to blueland.com gossip. You don't want to miss this blueland.com gossip for 15% off. That's blueland.com gossip to get 15% off.

[Chris Duffy]

Normal gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[Sachi Cole]

Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash?

[Chris Duffy]

Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Sachi Cole]

Our story today takes place in the late aughts. Think the beginning of the Obama era. Think electric feel by mgmt playing at every party. Parties where the girls are wearing knee high boots and shirts with vertical stripes.

[Chris Duffy]

Why are you saying this, like, you're talking about like pioneers in their covered wagons. Like, they crossed the Oregon Trail. They ate the whole buffalo tip to tail.

[Sachi Cole]

It was almost 20 years ago, babe.

[Chris Duffy]

Okay, that hurts my feelings, but go on.

[Sachi Cole]

These are parties where the boys have all made Joseph Gordon Levitt's character in 500 Days of Summer their entire personality without realizing that he is the villain in that movie. Think like American Apparel. Chunky bangs, shutter shades worn unironically. Are you with me?

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

It looks like you're having some flashbacks. Where were you during this era?

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, God. This was a terrifying, heady time of me, like, just turning 18 and being in, like, early university. I had just moved to Toronto. I thought I knew everything. I had cut all my hair off into this fuck ass bob. It looked so bad. I loved it. And I was having the time of my life.

[Sachi Cole]

That is a very important element. The early aughts.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

So our friend of a friend, Morgan, is in college during this era at a liberal arts university in the Pacific Northwest. It's the sort of school where there is no football team, but on any given night, you could find between five and ten shady little bands doing Mumford and Sons cosplay in the basement of a coffee shop. Luckily for our girl Morgan, she loves Mumford and sons. She loves ModCloth. She loves wearing huge headbands over her hair. She's the kind of girl who might start an aesthetic Tumblr dedicated to the color blue. That low key becomes a little famous in the aesthetic Tumblr blog community.

[Chris Duffy]

Is that a thing?

[Rachel Hampton]

It is.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, okay.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah, yeah. Our story begins at the end of Morgan's sophomore year of college, and our girl is ready for summer. She has a sweet internship lined up for a digital public that would collapse 10 years later.

[Chris Duffy]

The funny thing about that is it's like, well, which one?

[Sachi Cole]

Exactly?

[Chris Duffy]

That could be anybody.

[Sachi Cole]

So many chats.

[Chris Duffy]

That could be anybody, anywhere, anytime.

[Sachi Cole]

Okay, but we're not there yet. We're in the late aughts, when people felt lucky to get an unpaid [e-mail] and dreamed of working for Buzzfeed. No one had ever heard the words pivot to video. So Morgan's coasting high, she's done with her finals, and in a few hours, she will be putting the finishing touches on this year's final edition of the student newspaper, where she has just been named the incoming deputy editor. We are both graduates of journalism school, which means I'm sure we both have strong opinions on student publications. Please hold forth. What was the publishing ecosystem of your college.

[Chris Duffy]

Like, I was an editor for, like, the socialist newspaper.

[Sachi Cole]

You can't see me, but I'm pumping my ass right now.

[Chris Duffy]

They had like, a personal essay and, like, culture section, and I was one of the editors and I would write for it, but I didn't do any of the other ones because I thought all those guys were weird. They were so weird and so, like, proprietary over the student paper. And you're like, we're 20 and you are running around trying to write a story about, like, the muffin prices in the canteen. Like, what do you mean, get a job? Like, get a job. You're a taxpayer. What are you talking about? You're 20. Like, in six years you're gonna get kicked off your parents insurance. What are you talking about? I just found it so weird and white and, like, restrictive and funny, and I didn't do it. So I went and worked for the socialist paper. Barely met anybody who worked on it, which was exactly how I wanted to operate. Had a good time, really loved it, and graduated.

[Sachi Cole]

This is very similar to the kind of school that Morgan is at. They have just the biggest media scene you could possibly have just in print. There's the campus magazine. There's two dueling arts and culture magazines. There's a fashion magazine, which is, of course separate from the women's magazine. There's a local student radio station, and then there's the blogs, just dozens of them, each more niche than the last. But Morgan doesn't really give a shit about any of those, because to her, like a real newspaper kid, the only real game in town is the student newspaper. And it's true that the newspaper is the campus's longest running publication. But that's not why Morgan joined the paper. She joined the paper because of all the school's various publications, the paper throws the best parties. And that's because one of the established duties of the editor in chief of the student newspaper is to preside over the weekly parties after close. So at the school, the editor in chief of the newspaper is always a senior. And on this campus, seniors typically had the sweetest housing deals. And this year's editor in chief, Grant, had the sweetest housing deal of them all. Grant is tall, with that kind of, like, floppy hair that made everyone's heart go pitter patter. He's still dating his high school sweetheart, and everyone on the paper calls them mom and dad. Because Grant has family money, the townhouse he rented was not only decently upkept, but for a college senior, it was also extremely well furnished. Like, there were multiple rugs. Oh, the chairs at the dining table, which was made of real wood, by the way, all matched. Morgan had even heard that Grant had a headboard and a nightstand.

[Chris Duffy]

Wow. I still don't have a nightstand. I'm using a windowsill.

[Sachi Cole]

Sacha, get a nightstand.

[Chris Duffy]

I don't want to. Then I got to move things. I'm busy.

[Sachi Cole]

That's true. You're very busy. Nothing impressed Morgan more in Grant's apartment, though, than the couch. Sachi, tell me about your first couch.

[Chris Duffy]

I was in, like, residency when I was in university, and then I had, like, a little shitty student apartment. I had a really bad futon that my parents gave me. And then I lived with a friend, and she had a couch. And then I moved in with my ex, and we had this awful blue sectional. I hated it.

[Sachi Cole]

When did you realize how expensive couches were?

[Chris Duffy]

When I got divorced, I was like, oh, I get to pick all this furniture. And so I got a custom pink velvet couch that pulls out into a queen bed, which is pretty comfortable.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah.

[Chris Duffy]

And it's like a crushed. It's like a light pink. It's crushed velvet. My cat really likes it.

[Sachi Cole]

That sounds so comfortable. Custom furniture is so chic. It's fun.

[Chris Duffy]

You can do it. It's actually about the same price as a regular couch now, because couches are so expensive. Listen, you can get a shitty couch for $220. It will fall apart. It will hold you in a stress position if you try to sleep on it, it's the worst night of your life. But if you want one that, like, is kind of comfortable. And I needed a second bed in case I had visitors, like, yeah, it's thousands of dollars.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah. So I didn't know that until a few years after college when I was considering replacing the couch that my parents gave me for free. And I was just like, I've had this for so long, it's, like, 10 years old. I should get a new one. And then I looked at couch prices, and I was like, never mind. I will not be getting a new one. But our girl Morgan is precocious because she's spent so much time on Aesthetic Tumbler. She has a real eye for furniture, and she also knows just how expensive it is, which is why when she sees Grant's couch for the first time, she almost cries. It's big and velvet and marine blue, and it's so, so, so comfortable. It's the kind of couch where sitting on it immediately puts you at ease. And Morgan knows this very well, because at every single party for the last year, she has spent the whole, whole night glued to Grant's couch, which is also exactly how I operated a party. I will be locating a place to sit down, and I will be holding court from there all night long.

[Chris Duffy]

Correct? Correct. This is why I never see you at parties. We're both sitting in opposite ends of the room, and we're both like, I'm not getting up. I'll see you later.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah, exactly. I will salute you from across the room.

[Chris Duffy]

Yep.

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan's love for this couch is so clear that halfway through the school year, when Morgan finally gives up the courage to ask Grant what he plans to do with it, Grant bequeaths the couch to her. Which means that for every single Friday night for the past four months when Morgan has been sitting down on that big blue couch, she has done so with the knowledge that she was going to own it one day. It's this knowledge that carries her through finals and the last close of the newspaper, which was particularly torturous because of Koby. Sachi, if you had to describe the typical white man in media, how would you.

[Chris Duffy]

Okay, he's got little glasses on that I would love to break in half. He has family money, but he pretends he doesn't and says that they were comfortable. They're always saying they were comfortable. I don't know what that means. They're always calling themselves disruptors.

[Sachi Cole]

Okay, so now imagine that. That image that you just had in your head.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

Imagine that with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex. Yeah. So Kobe is Grant's roommate, which is maybe the only reason why anyone still talks to him. He's the newspaper's sports reporter. And because the school basically has no sports, Kobe has way too much time on his hand, which means his pieces are always 600 words too long. And since it's in print, that still matters.

[Chris Duffy]

Yes.

[Sachi Cole]

He also does that specific white man in media thing where because he feels so strongly about objectivity and bias, he always has to cover both sides. What that means in practice is that whenever he covers women's sports, he interviews someone who thinks women's sports should be defunded.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, boy.

[Sachi Cole]

One of his very first op EDS argued that for clarity's sake, white journalists shouldn't censor themselves when discussing the N word because there's obviously a different N word than the one we're all thinking of that it could be confused for, you know, for clarity's sake.

[Chris Duffy]

What?

[Sachi Cole]

The outcry over that op ed is what got Kobe moved on to Sports, where he can terrorize the campus's minority jock population. And the thing is, Kobe's not just a terror during work hours. How do you think this kind of guy behaves at parties?

[Chris Duffy]

I think he's probably a dream. I'm sure everyone's really excited when he shows up. And I'm sure no one feels a sense of throbbing unsafety around him.

[Sachi Cole]

Never. Not once.

[Chris Duffy]

Great.

[Sachi Cole]

Kobe never contributes anything to the parties, even though he lives with Grant. He always brings random extra people without telling anyone. And no one can leave their Four Loko around him because he'll just steal it. He's a real Four Loko fiend. Everyone's waiting for Grant to graduate so they can just stop hanging out with Kobe. Including Morgan, though Morgan has her own reasons. You see, in a moment of weakness, she's hooked up with Kobe last year.

[Chris Duffy]

Come on. Are you fucking for real? Oh, ladies, we are not going to win this war.

[Sachi Cole]

So Morgan had her moment of weakness last year, which is how she found out that at night, Kobe goes up on the elevated train tracks near campus to write really shitty poetry. Once her friends on the newspaper found out that Morgan and Kobe hooked up, they took out an anonymous ad in the Lost and Found section of the paper that read Lost Dignity with Morgan's dorm address listed next to it.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Sachi Cole]

This is the beginning.

[Chris Duffy]

This is the beginning.

[Sachi Cole]

This is the beginning. Okay, so we're at the end of Morgan's sophomore year, and even though Kobe's sports column had come in 200 words too long without a lead or a kicker or a point at all, really, Morgan is entering the last clothes party of the school year on a high. She has, you know, a bright future in the extremely stable digital media industry ahead of her. She's going to get her couch. She'll never have to step foot into Kobe's apartment again. Everything is coming up Morgan. Do you remember this point in college where it felt like you were kind of like on the cusp of something?

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

Like you just lit a cigarette.

[Chris Duffy]

That was the last time I felt like that. Like, yeah, I remember it. Like, it's like. Do you remember the last time you went home? Absolutely. As I heat up the pipe, like, just trying to get a grip on whatever's happening right now. Yes, I remember that.

[Sachi Cole]

So Morgan's full of hope, which can tend to make you a little bit reckless. So towards the end of this last clothes party, she gets a chance to talk to Grant for the first time. Grant has a fellowship of Mother Jones Lined up. It's even paid. So she congratulates him, and then she's like, so when should I pick up my couch? And at first, Grant looks confused and then a little sheepish. And Morgan is an observant bitch, so she is immediately like, what's wrong? Grant's like, morgan, I'm so sorry. And Morgan feels her eye twitch before she responds, sorry for what? And that's when Grant tells her that he completely forgot that he had promised her the couch. And that when Kobe, his roommate, asked if he could keep it, Grant said yes. Tonight is the couch's last night in Grant's care. Morgan's trying not to freak out, but she is devastated. She had so many plans for the big blue couch. She knew exactly where it was going to go. In her very first off campus apartment, right underneath the big picture window was southern exposure. So every day she'd wake up to the couch bathed in beautiful morning light. Kobe would not appreciate the couch like she would. Kobe had once told Morgan that there wasn't a difference between turquoise and cerulean.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, boy.

[Sachi Cole]

He wouldn't know that the couch was the most perfect shade of ultramarine blue. Grant does that, you know, drunk white man thing and mumbles an apology before kind of just patting her shoulder and ambling off. It's very clear that he is washing his hands of this whole couch business. He's basically graduated. Not his circus, not his monkeys. How are you feeling, Sachi? What do you do now? The couch that has been promised to you. Is sue gonna be in the possession of one of your greatest enemies?

[Chris Duffy]

I would set the couch on fire. I would damage the couch. I would do something monstrous to the couch, and I would make sure everybody saw that I did it. I would want everyone to know, like, we had a deal and you reneged on the deal. And that's why I'm putting all these knives into this couch.

[Sachi Cole]

If I can't have the couch, no one can.

[Chris Duffy]

I don't see why anybody should have anything I don't have.

[Sachi Cole]

Especially Kobe.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, I'm real stressed out about all of this. Honestly.

[Sachi Cole]

That's exactly where you should be. Morgan does not set the couch on fire. She loves the couch too much. But Morgan also has to leave for her unpaid internship in Brooklyn the next day, so she can't really do anything. She spends the whole summer doing her little menial tasks and spending way too much money in Williamsburg, Spending far too much time at union Pool. She's figuring out the G train. She loves manhattanhenge. She's having a great time.

[Chris Duffy]

Beautiful.

[Sachi Cole]

And in between all of that, she's plotting, she's scheming, so that when she lands back in town in the fall, she's much broker than when she left. But she also has a plan. First action item? Find couch.

[Rachel Hampton]

Huge news.

[Sachi Cole]

Our dowager queen Kelsey McKinney wrote a.

[Rachel Hampton]

New York Times bestselling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called you'd Didn't Hear this from Me. Mostly True Notes on Gossip and I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and West Elm, Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso.

[Sachi Cole]

It's so fun. And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback.

[Rachel Hampton]

And a super sexy audiobook which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can Also go to KelseyMcKenneyBook.com to see all retailers Spring is in the air. You know what's not in the air of my house? Litter box? Stink. That's because I use Pretty Litter. It obliterates odor so I can enjoy all the wonderful scents of spring. Pretty Litter's non clumping formula traps odor and moisture. It's ultra absorbent, it's lightweight, low dust and 16 pound bag works for up to a month. And Pretty Litter gives me peace of mind. It changes color to indicate early signs of potential illnesses in my cat like urinary tract infections, kidney issues and more. And since Pretty Litter ships free right to my door, I never run out. I don't have to lug huge kitty litter bags up the street. I really love Pretty Litter because my cat's litter box is in the kitchen and it doesn't have a lid. So I am really, really really really anal about smells about dust because it's so close to where I eat. Pretty Litter Low Dust formula and order control really, really helped keep that area as clean as it possibly can be. Pretty Litter helps keep my house smelling fresh and clean. Try it and you'll love it. Go to pretty litter.comgossip to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy that's prettylitter.comgossip to save 20 percent on your first order and get a FREE cat toy. Preterliter.com gossip terms and conditions apply. See site for details. Morgan She's a journalist.

[Sachi Cole]

She's an investigator.

[Rachel Hampton]

She watched a lot of criminal minds growing up, so she's pretty prepared to do some like backroom dealing over the course of a week.

[Sachi Cole]

She methodically works her way through every single member of the student newspaper under.

[Rachel Hampton]

The guise of checking in as the incoming deputy editor. And somehow in every check in conversation, she's like, remember that really nice couch that Grant had last year? It's such a shame that no one knows where it's at. Do you know where it's at?

[Sachi Cole]

Luckily for her, everyone on the paper was obsessed with the couch, so they are all down to muse about its current location. No one has seen Kobe's new place. And in fact, it's not until Morgan's third day of check ins that she finds out that Kobe doesn't even have a new place. Instead, the copy chief tells Morgan that Kobe is apparently living with the managing editor of the shittier arts and culture magazine, the one that loved to publish unverified blind items about students on campus. What do you do with this information?

[Chris Duffy]

I mean, I would just have a confrontation. As you know, I love to fight. So I mean, I would just like have a fight. Like for me, from the beginning of this, the day that I asked Grant, can I have your couch when it's over, I would have a contract ratified.

[Sachi Cole]

That's smart.

[Chris Duffy]

I guess I would have to find now his roommate, this person who works at the shittier publication if I don't want to talk to him.

[Sachi Cole]

She's not sure about Kobe's new boo. Morgan continues her little check ins. She has a chat with the features editor to see if she can maybe find the address of Coby's new girlfriend. Is she maybe considering some breaking and entering? It's not important. And the futures editor doesn't know anything. On the last day of her check in, she talks to Robbie, the paper's managing editor and her roommate. Now, Morgan and Robbie have been best friends since freshman year when they bonded over their mutual love of true blood. She loves Robbie and that's why she saved the best conversation for last. Robbie also got back into town a little bit later than everyone else, so this is really just their first time to chat. Robbie and Morgan are cooking dinner. Morgan's checking in. She's asking Robbie what his goals are for the paper this year, Asking how he feels about the new crop of asking how he thinks this year's parties will measure up to last year's. There's no way they can be as good, right? Because the couch isn't there. And then finally Morgan's like, there's no way the new editor in chief will have us comfortable with a couch. What a shame. And then Robbie says Something that surprises Morgan. He says, that fucking couch. And Morgan's like, how can anyone have anything but positive things to say about this couch?

[Rachel Hampton]

It's perfect.

[Sachi Cole]

Externally, she says, oh, I didn't realize you didn't like the couch. And Robbie's like, I like the couch just fine, but my parents are really on my ass about it. And Morgan's like, what? Why? And that's when Robby reveals that in the final weeks of the last school year, after Morgan had left campus, Kobe had somehow talked Robbie into storing the couch at Robbie's parents house over the summer, since Robbie lived a half hour away from campus. How would you feel if you were Morgan? You finally located your white whale? What do you do?

[Chris Duffy]

I would be so mad. I would. That would make me crazy. But what? Oh, because he's living with this girl, so he couldn't bring the couch there, but he wanted to keep the couch.

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan also feels crazy. Morgan feels like an idiot because this whole time the couch has been right under her nose. She had never thought to ask Robbie about Kobe because Robbie has spent the last week bitching about Kobe on the editor's listserv. Kobe has not only somehow already missed missed a deadline, but he's refusing to answer texts. So Robbie has already had to find someone else to cover the junior girl's handball game. Morgan's mind is spinning. She very quickly decides honesty is the best policy. Robbie already seems pissed off, so he seems like an ally and he's her roommate, so she would have to bring him into any planned couch stealing activities at some point. So she tells him the whole sordid tale. How Grant had promised her the couch, the dream she had of the couch, had she had chosen their AP specifically because it was big enough to house the couch. And then how Grant had reneged on his promise before skipping town like a bandit in the night. And now Morgan says, well, now we have an incredible opportunity. And Robbie's like, but what happens when Kobe wants his couch back? He's gonna get dumped. We all know that's gonna happen, right? And Morgan's like, that's future Morgan's problem.

[Chris Duffy]

Correct. Kara.

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan wants couch.

[Chris Duffy]

Correct.

[Sachi Cole]

And Robbie. Robbie is like most college age kids and will do literally anything to get his parents off his back. So they devise a heist. And by heist I mean they rent a U Haul and tell Robbie's parents that there's been a little miscommunication at the couch is actually hers and not Kobe's. Do you see any problems with this plan?

[Chris Duffy]

No.

[Sachi Cole]

Robbie's parents don't give a single fucking. They're planning on buying a new car and want full use of their garage back. So when Robbie and Morgan pull up in the U Haul, Robbie's parents send them off with a couch, a six pack of beer, and $50 in cash so they can get pizza that night. They're like, adios, muchachos. Thank you so much. Morgan's just, like, a little bit nervous when they first get to Robbie's house because she's like, I haven't seen this couch in months. What if it's not as beautiful as I thought it was? What if Coby fucked something up when he moved it into storage? What if it's been, I don't know, taken over by termites?

[Rachel Hampton]

But then Robbie pulls the moving blanket off the couch, and as soon as she sees it, she knows she had.

[Sachi Cole]

No reason to fear, because the couch is still the most perfect shade of ultramarine blue that she has ever seen in her life. And that night, as she's lying on her perfect blue couch under her big picture window with southern exposure full of pizza and beer, high on her heist, Morgan thinks, life can't get any better than this. How are you feeling so far?

[Chris Duffy]

I'm very concerned about what is in the couch. Like, I'm worried. Like, I'm scared about, like, what is in it spiritually. And then also. Yeah, and then also, like, what is in it.

[Sachi Cole]

Literally, for a whole semester, the couch is completely fine. Morgan's feeling incredible. So incredible that as weeks pass and Kobe never comes by to claim the couch or text Robbie about it, Morgan starts telling people how she came by this couch.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, my God. This is a rookie move. This happens all the time on Scamplancers, where somebody will, like, just start telling people what they did. Don't tell people that you did a crime. I can talk about how I would do set the couch on fire, because I didn't set the couch on fire. If I have set a couch on fire, I'm not going to go on a podcast and be like, guess what I did?

[Sachi Cole]

I set the couch on fire.

[Chris Duffy]

Like, don't tell people when you did crime. Just do crime quietly.

[Sachi Cole]

And you're right. And the thing is, at first, it's just close friends because they notice the couch in her place, and they're like, this is such a nice couch. You're not rich. Where'd this come from? And Morgan's like, well. And then suddenly, somehow, the whole newspaper knows that she has the couch.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. Because all of her Friends are professional gossips. Yes.

[Sachi Cole]

You think this is a smart idea? Seems like.

[Chris Duffy]

No, no. I think it's really dumb. Never tell a journalist anything.

[Sachi Cole]

Except us.

[Chris Duffy]

Oh yeah, no, tell me things. Yeah, I'm a.

[Sachi Cole]

Obviously I'm safe.

[Chris Duffy]

But don't tell anybody else.

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan might be concerned about this making its way back to Kobe. Except no one on the paper has seen Kobe in months. Since he started hooking up with the art girly, he has completely abandoned his role on the newspaper. At one point, Morgan had to send a movie critic to cover the women's water polo tournament. So everyone's pretty peeved at Kobe. And he seems to know this because he has fully stopped coming to parties. All of that changes, though, at the beginning of the winter semester. Within a few days of returning to campus after winter break, Morgan starts hearing rumors through the grapevine that Kobe got dumped by his girlfriend over Christmas. That is confirmed when one day Kobe texts Robbie. Without acknowledging any of the many unanswered texts Robbie had sent to Kobe over the past semester. Kobe texts, hey dude, hope you had a good break. When can I come pick up my couch? What do you do?

[Chris Duffy]

I say, what couch? And then I pretend like I have no idea what he's talking about for the rest of our lives.

[Sachi Cole]

You and Morgan are on the same wavelength.

[Rachel Hampton]

Okay?

[Sachi Cole]

Robbie freaks the fuck out.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

He's like, morgan, what do we do? What do I tell him? And Morgan? Well, Morgan, before anyone had ever heard the phrase gaslight girl, Boss Gatekeep is ready to do all three, right? She tells Robbie, pull yourself together. And then she tells him to lie. Remember? She tells him you're in the right. That asshole left a whole couch at your parents house for months without a word or a storage fee. And Robbie's like, right, right. You're right. Uh huh. And he texts Kobe back like, I don't know dude, I thought you picked it up from my parents house months ago. Kobe's like, why would you think that? And Robbie's like, because I asked you to. Multiple times, three dots appear and then they disappear and then they reappear and they finally disappear for good. Kobe seems to have gotten the message that he did fuck up in this regard. Morgan knows this isn't the last that they'll heal from Kobe. Everyone knows how much she loved that couch last year. If anyone was going to steal it, it would be her. Morgan is starting to feel an emotion familiar to any blabbermouth, which is regret. She is fairly certain that the people she knows wouldn't tell coby but what if they told someone else who told Coby?

[Chris Duffy]

Yes.

[Sachi Cole]

We're almost at the end of the story. How are you feeling?

[Chris Duffy]

I'm so stressed about what is inside the couch.

[Sachi Cole]

I love that. You're like, it's full of bedbugs.

[Chris Duffy]

Like, I know. I don't even think it's bedbugs. I. I think there's, like, he puts something in the pillow, and I don't know why. I'm just. There's something amiss.

[Sachi Cole]

So Morgan starts whipping votes. She calls everyone on the newspaper to ensure their loyalty to her. If Kobe comes asking about the couch, she's going conclave mode, low key. She's like, I will control the narrative. Which it turns out she was right to do, because a few days later, Kobe texts Robbie and Morgan in a group chat, like. Like, I know you're keeping something from me. Which is a very ominous message to send.

[Chris Duffy]

I gotta say. It's great. Very, very spooky. Power move. I like it. I'm gonna start doing it.

[Sachi Cole]

How would you respond?

[Chris Duffy]

I would say, who is this? How'd you get this number? Over and over again, Even when they tell me who they are. Who?

[Sachi Cole]

Who? Yeah, I never. We never met.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah.

[Sachi Cole]

Robbie's like, I don't know what you're talking about. And Morgan's like, kobe, we hooked up two years ago. Why are you still obsessed with me?

[Chris Duffy]

Oh, that's right. Excellent. Everybody in this story is nuts.

[Sachi Cole]

Kobe's like, quit bullshitting me. I know you have the couch. Morgan's like, prove it. And then she instructs Robbie to stop responding. Kobe continues to harangue them. The newspaper receives an anonymous tip about an on campus couch thief that everyone has a good time laughing about during that week, which, by the way, is one of the roughest ones that Morgan has ever seen. The freshman reporters still haven't quite nailed the concept of, like, interviewing or semicolons or punctuation in general. It's the kind of close where Morgan and Robbie and the rest of the editors are cracking open Mike's Hard Lemonade in the newspaper offices before proofreading even begins. And to top it off, the editor in chief can't host the clothes party that week because their parents are in town. So Morgan and Robbie get roped into offering up their apartment at the last minute. So as soon as the paper is shipped, Morgan and Robbie run home to get ready. They started drinking early enough that they're both in great moods by the time the party officially starts. And they're importantly young enough that Mike's hard lemonade doesn't give them an immediate hangover. So by the time it's in full swing a few hours later, Morgan has basically all but forgotten about the improper punctuation she just had to deal with. And everyone's having a great time. They're all enjoying the big blue couch. Someone brought edibles. The beer pong game has just reached deathmatch territory. And Morgan's favorite party song, your Love is my drug by Kesha, has just come on. And then a hush falls over the room just as Kesha is singing do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum? Into the party walks none other than Kobe, who was very much not invited.

[Chris Duffy]

I would just start screaming like, I would, like full throated, like, screaming like there's an. They're like, there's a man in my house. Like that. And just see what people do.

[Sachi Cole]

Just cause chaos.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. And then while everyone's panicking, that's when I start the fire on the couch and then set the couch on fire. It's my plan for kind of everything.

[Sachi Cole]

Yeah, clearly I'm. I'm getting a theme.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, I think. I just think most things can be solved by a cleansing fire, that's all.

[Sachi Cole]

You know, maybe pyromania is calling you in a different life.

[Chris Duffy]

I think so.

[Sachi Cole]

But Morgan doesn't. Okay, Morgan doesn't even really have a chance to think of what she would do because Coby immediately just beelines towards her, shoves a bottle of two buck Chuck at her as like a housewarming gift, and then says, I fucking knew you had my couch. Morgan starts, like, sputtering out a sentence that's halfway between I don't know what you're talking about and what are you doing here? But before she can get a fully coherent sentence out, Kobe storms across the apartment, through the living room with the big picture window with southern exposure, right past the big blue couch, and right into Morgan's bedroom.

[Chris Duffy]

What?

[Sachi Cole]

So one thing I forgot to mention about Morgan Robbie's apartment is that Morgan has not just one couch, but two couches. She has a little floral patterned loveseat in a corner of her room. And Morgan has had this since she was a child. So when she sees Kobe pointing at her loveseat with this smug expression of triumph on his face, it takes a moment for her to comprehend what exactly is going on here. And what exactly is happening Is Kobe making a fool of himself? Because despite how adamant he was about the return of his couch, Kobe clearly has no idea what the couch that he owns looked like despite it being in his living room for a whole school year.

[Chris Duffy]

And he thinks the little patterned loveseat is the couch. Why would he assume that one?

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan starts laughing so loudly that everyone at the party who had been pretending not to watch this scene turns around and fully stops pretending to not watch this scene. And through laughter, Morgan's like, kobe, you're an idiot. And Kobe's like, and you're a thief. That's my couch. Morgan's like, I've had this loveseat since I was a child. You can check the bottom of the cushion. It says property of Morgan in my childhood handwriting. And so Kobe checks the bottom of the cushion, and he's like, you planted that. You knew I was coming. And at this point, Morgan's head is just, like, starting to hurt from holding in her laughter as she just watches Kobe, like, pull the loveseat away from the wall. Like, just inspect every single element of this love seat to ascertain his ownership of it. And meanwhile, all of her friends have piled onto the actual couch in the living room so that Kobe can see as little of it as possible. Robbie is hiding in a corner somewhere so that his face won't give it away. What do you do now? This man is adamant that this love seat is his.

[Chris Duffy]

He needs to get out of the apartment asap. This is so stressful.

[Sachi Cole]

Morgan is waiting for Kobe's attention to finally turn towards the couch that she actually did steal, but it never does, because Kobe is, like, dead set to rights that this love seat is the missing couch in question. So much so that he refuses to leave until Morgan furnishes proof of her longtime ownership of the love seat, which she finally does after digging through, like, a photo album which contains a photo of her childhood bedroom that shows the love. See, at this point, Morgan's like, get the fuck out of my apartment, bozo. And Kobe looks a little mutinous. He looks like he's gonna put up a fight. But then other members of the newspaper start sort of like, quietly chiming in, like, dude, come on. You're ruining the vibe. You're ruining the vibe. And in his heart, Kobe is a coward. And so with the sort of mumbled, this isn't the last you'll hear from me, he takes back his two book chuck from Morgan and leaves the party. Sachi, that's basically the end of our story. How are you feeling? Who do you think is the bigger criminal here? Morgan, who actually stole something, or Kobe, who just sucked and has a really bad memory?

[Chris Duffy]

You Know how I feel about women's wrongs?

[Sachi Cole]

I do.

[Chris Duffy]

I love them. Honestly, if you can steal something like that from someone and get away with it, I don't think you're the criminal. And I think leaving a couch at your friend's parents house is crazy for months. Too many degrees of separation. Yeah. Outrageous. No, I hate Kobe so much.

[Sachi Cole]

I thought you might. Well, I do have a couple of follow ups from our friend who submitted this story. Do you want to hear them?

[Chris Duffy]

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

[Sachi Cole]

They wrote that around six months after Kobe did his big couch inspection, he was caught cheating on his new girlfriend with her best friend. And Morgan sends him one single text to the effect of heard you got caught banging so and so on a couch. Too bad it wasn't your couch which is in my living room. You piece of shit.

[Chris Duffy]

No jury would prosecute.

[Sachi Cole]

Clean hit. Clean hit.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah. I'm sorry. She's the president.

[Sachi Cole]

Madam President, we salute.

[Chris Duffy]

Yeah, she's the president. That's crazy.

[Sachi Cole]

They also told us that the big, beautiful couch has remained an important part of the decor at the student newspaper where it now resides in the little office space where they are closing the newspaper. So now it is low key. A biohazard. So the couch does end up becoming scary, which you expected from the beginning, right?

[Chris Duffy]

And see, this is why I said burn it, Sachi.

[Sachi Cole]

That's the end of our story.

[Chris Duffy]

That was.

[Sachi Cole]

How do you feel?

[Chris Duffy]

Horrifying. I like. I'm. I like. That makes me feel itchy. Like I don't like. I feel like he came to my apartment. I was actually, honestly, the whole time you were telling me that, I was like, is he gonna pee on the couch? I was so afraid of him peeing on the couch. Anytime there's like a story about a man in furniture, I'm like, what is he gonna do? Is he gonna pee on it? So I'm relieved in that way. This is really impressive. To steal a couch and get away with it. That should be the next Ocean's Movie.

[Sachi Cole]

So true.

[Rachel Hampton]

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email [e-mail] or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679, gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or friend of a [e-mail] you can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok. At normal gossip. You can follow me on all social media at heydanae. H E Y Y D N A E. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks and J. Tol Vieira. The co creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alexander, John Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defectors Projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors business guys. Alex Ujong Laughlin is Defectors supervising producer. Tom Le is our editor in chief. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art thank you to Katherine Shue, Brandi Jensen, Louise Pays Pumar, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wayne, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford and Ray Ratto for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host Rachel Hampton and remember you didn't hear this from me.

[Chris Duffy]

Radiotopia from PRX.