The Most Ominous Bird with Alanna Bennett

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Most Ominous Bird with Alanna Bennett"

Normal Gossip Episode: "The Most Ominous Bird with Alanna Bennett"
Host: Rachel Hampton
Guest: Alanna Bennett
Release Date: April 30, 2025

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Introduction to Alanna Bennett

In this episode of Normal Gossip, host Rachel Hampton welcomes Alanna Bennett, a renowned screenwriter and culture writer known for her work on shows like Exo Kitty and Roswell. Alanna's writings have graced esteemed publications such as the New York Times and Teen Vogue, and her debut novel, The Education of Kia Grier, is set to release on May 13th.

Are You a Gossip?

Rachel initiates the conversation by probing Alanna's relationship with gossip.

• Rachel Hampton [01:23]: "Do you consider yourself a gossip?"

• Alanna Bennett [01:31]: "I do consider myself a gossip. The main negative thing that I feel about gossip, it's actually a negative feeling I have about shit talk, which I believe is a subsidiary of gossip."

Alanna distinguishes between harmless gossip and "shit talk," emphasizing the latter's potential to harm relationships when used as a weapon within friend groups.

Daisy's Magical Date: A Tale of Unexpected Twists

Alanna shares one of her favorite gossip anecdotes involving a college senior named Daisy.

• Alanna Bennett [03:07]: "So she's like, okay. And I think she's expecting like a sword guy. You know, the kind of guy with swords all over the walls. She's like, don't be alarmed."

Daisy's seemingly ordinary date takes a fantastical turn when her boyfriend reveals that he's house-sitting for his half-brother, a famous magician. During an intimate moment, a hidden compartment in the bed opens, hinting at a magic trick gone awry. This revelation strains Daisy's perception of her boyfriend, leading to the eventual mutual ghosting of the relationship.

• Rachel Hampton [06:17]: "I don't know how I would react."

• Alanna Bennett [07:14]: "Yeah."

Madelyn and Nicole's Desert Adventure: Encounter with the Mysterious Steve

The second major story revolves around Madelyn and Nicole, lifelong friends who embark on a road trip to a quirky desert town named Tumbleweed Springs.

The Allure of Tumbleweed Springs

Madelyn spots a billboard advertising an adult magic show featuring the enigmatic "Mysterious Steve."

• Madelyn [11:32]: "The mysterious Steve. The billboard doesn't have anything else on it except a silhouette graphic of a crow."

Excited by the allure and secrecy surrounding the show, they secure tickets via a Facebook business page, only to face a series of stringent and peculiar rules upon arrival.

The Show and Aftermath

Upon attending the vintage-style theater, their minor infraction of bringing a reusable water bottle leads to confrontation with Indigo, Mysterious Steve's assistant, and eventually, Steve himself.

• Mysterious Steve [22:08]: "I'm making you disappear. Get the fuck out."

Despite the short duration of their experience, the incident leaves Madelyn and Nicole unnerved, prompting them to leave a scathing one-star review on Facebook. This act unleashes a volley of messages and calls from Steve, revealing his dual role as a reserve deputy sheriff in the town.

• Mysterious Steve's Facebook Message [26:45]:
  "Dear Madeline, how surprising that you've chosen to write a review for a theatrical experience you've yet to see... I kindly ask you to remove it. Huge news."

Escalation and Revelation

As tension mounts, the friends receive alarming communications indicating that the police are searching for them, intensifying their fear that Steve's magical antics are entwined with his law enforcement duties.

• Grandma Jean [33:35]:
  "Mysterious Steve isn't just a magician. He's also a reserve deputy sheriff."

Climactic Encounter

Their attempt to leave town culminates in a traffic stop by a mysterious officer, heightening the suspense and uncertainty surrounding Steve's intentions.

• Rachel Hampton [43:30]:
  "The officer approaches their car, motions for them to roll their window down."

Fortunately, the encounter ends without further incident, allowing Madelyn and Nicole to escape the eerie clutches of Tumbleweed Springs.

Reflections and Final Thoughts

Alanna and Rachel reflect on the peculiarities of the stories shared, pondering the thin line between reality and the fantastical elements that gossip often embellishes.

• Alanna Bennett [37:11]:
  "I leave. And then I write a novel or a long narrative podcast or sell it as a TV show."

• Rachel Hampton [44:32]:
  "All the stickers are actually signs of being a member of the epic."

Notable Quotes

• Alanna Bennett [01:31]:
  "I do consider myself a gossip... I believe it is a subsidiary of gossip."

• Mysterious Steve [22:08]:
  "I'm making you disappear. Get the fuck out."

• Mysterious Steve's Facebook Message [26:45]:
  "I kindly ask you to remove it. Huge news."

• Grandma Jean [33:35]:
  "Mysterious Steve isn't just a magician. He's also a reserve deputy sheriff."

Conclusion

In this episode, Normal Gossip delves into the whimsical and sometimes eerie world of second-hand stories, showcasing how gossip can traverse the realms of the ordinary into the extraordinary. Alanna Bennett's engaging narratives highlight the unpredictable nature of human interactions, leaving listeners both entertained and contemplative about the stories that circulate around us.

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For more stories and to share your own gossip, visit Normal Gossip.

Transcript

[Rachel Hampton]

The other words of the year, they.

[Alana Bennett]

Were just as online, you know, Oxford's was brain rot, if you can believe it.

[Rachel Hampton]

Its first use was in 1854 by Henry David Thoreau.

[Alana Bennett]

RIP Henry David Thoreau. You would have hated TikTok. Wait, Candace, we should probably introduce ourselves.

[Rachel Hampton]

You're so right, Kate.

[Alana Bennett]

Hello, listeners. We are the hosts of icymi, or rather, in case you missed it, Slate's podcast about Internet culture. We're. We're extremely online, so you don't have to be. Follow ICYMI now, wherever you listen.

[Rachel Hampton]

Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and in each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode four, y'all. Today, I am so stoked, excited to be joined by Alana Bennett. Alana is a screenwriter and culture writer who has written for film and television, including shows like Exo Kitty and Roswell. Alana's writing has appeared in the New York Times, Teen Vogue, the Cut, and every other important publication. Her first novel, the Education of Kia grier, comes out May 13th. Alana, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me.

[Alana Bennett]

I am so, so happy to be here. Hello.

[Rachel Hampton]

I'm so excited you're here. My first question is, do you consider yourself a gossip?

[Alana Bennett]

I do consider myself a gossip. The main negative thing that I feel about gossip, it's actually a negative feeling I have about shit talk, which I believe is a subsidiary of gossip.

[Rachel Hampton]

So I agree.

[Alana Bennett]

Yeah. And I think it can be different. It's like a square versus a rectangle situation. I think shit talking can be necessary to blow off steam when somebody is harming you. I've also seen it used way too many times as like a weapon in friend groups. And I've also done that. At least I did it a bunch in college. And I think that shit talk can be a check yourself before you wreck yourself type of situation.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah.

[Alana Bennett]

Where if you're doing it to too many people, the problem is probably actually you.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes, I agree.

[Alana Bennett]

So be selective with the shit talk. But sometimes it's important. In certain workplaces, in certain friends situations, roommate situations, sometimes you need that valve to let the steam out. But with gossip, like good fun gossip, or also gossip that can protect others from harm, I think that is tried and true and eternal. And I respect it and I indulge in it and I seek it out at every opportunity.

[Rachel Hampton]

I could honestly talk about this forever.

[Alana Bennett]

Me too. Stop me whenever.

[Rachel Hampton]

But a little birdie told me you have some gossip for me.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, I do. This is one of my favorite pieces of gossip. So this was a friend of a friend's old roommate. The setting, a major city. This girl, let's call her Daisy, is in her senior year of college. At the time, she matches with this cute guy on a dating app. And I heard the story from the roommate's perspective. So roommate is like, huh? Daisy usually comes home after dates or hookups. She likes to be back in her own space. But Daisy strolls in around 11am and the roommate pounces. She's like, tell me everything. And Daisy has got this look in her eyes. And Daisy says, date was great. The guy was funny and cute. So when he invited her back to his place, she said yes. And then he gave her this heads up. It's not actually his place. He's house sitting for his half brother. So he's basically like, just know none of the stuff in this apartment is mine. It's not a reflection of my personality.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's one hell of a disclaimer.

[Alana Bennett]

So she's like, okay. And I think she's expecting like a sword guy. You know, the kind of guy with swords all over the walls. She's like, don't be alarmed.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah.

[Alana Bennett]

So they go to this half brother's apartment, which is in this high rise. They ride the elevator all the way to the penthouse. Doors open directly into the apartment. Floor to ceiling, glass windows, gorgeous views. She's looking around and she's got to ask, what does your half brother do for a living? And the guy plays coy. All he says at first is that his brother works in entertainment. He's a little famous, so he doesn't want to blow up his spot. She's like, okay, whatever. Okay, let's get to why we came here. So he takes her to the master bedroom, which is where he's staying. While he house sits, they have sex. Perfectly normal first date sex. Then it's over. She's like, okay, what now? This is a cool place. There's a hot tub on the deck. Let's enjoy some of this apartment's many amenities. Have champagne in said hot tub. So naturally, they slide into round two. During this round of the hookup, however, she ends up on top. And in the process, she grips the headboard and seems to press some sort of button or something and the entire bed jolts and it shifts and a hidden compartment opens up beneath them. Like it's big enough to fit human bodies into it.

[Rachel Hampton]

No. No immediate exit. I've seen Law and Order svu. It's Time to go.

[Alana Bennett]

So they're obviously frozen in shock, and it's now that this guy is like, I guess the time has come to tell you who my brother is. And she's like, yeah, I think you need to now. I think it's necessary. So the guy explains his brother is a famous magician. I won't say his name here, but you have definitely heard his name before. And the guy's best guess for this bed is that his brother was either building out a magic trick with it for his stage show or. Or that he had some magic tricks that he liked to perform as part of sex. So the date really, really wants this woman to know that he himself did not know this was a trick bit.

[Rachel Hampton]

Alana.

[Alana Bennett]

I know I think about this all the time.

[Rachel Hampton]

I don't know how I would react.

[Alana Bennett]

I know when my friend told me the story. It's one of those stories that now when we're with other groups of friends, I turn to her and I'm like, you have to tell them the story.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes, yes, yes, immediately.

[Alana Bennett]

So obviously, this was enough of an explanation for her in the moment, because she did spend the night, though I don't know whether they slept in the trick bed or not. What I do know is she liked him enough to go out with him twice more after that. Eventually, they each pulled the very common dating magic trick of mutual ghosting, at which point she expressed relief to her roommate that it was over, because after he told her about his family, every time she looked at him, she couldn't unsee the resemblance to his magician brother, and it would bring that moment back over and over again.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, that seems hard to shake as a story.

[Alana Bennett]

Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

Also, if the relationship progressed, at some point, you would have to meet the magician brother. I am not an actress.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh. You'd have to look him in the eye. You can't tell me that was for a stage show.

[Rachel Hampton]

No, exactly. Why is it still in your bedroom? It was not for a stage show.

[Alana Bennett]

That's for magician sex.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. If you're a famous magician, there's no way that when you pull that, they're not expecting some kind of magic involved. It just. It goes along with it, but I just don't want to be close to.

[Alana Bennett]

That Thanksgiving with that person across the.

[Rachel Hampton]

Table making the turkey disappear. Oh, Alana, that was a beautiful story. Thank you so much. I'm gonna be telling that story as soon as I leave this recording.

[Alana Bennett]

I am so glad to share it with the world.

[Rachel Hampton]

Are you ready for some gossip?

[Alana Bennett]

I am so ready. I'm so excited.

[Rachel Hampton]

I think you're gonna like this story. Some might say it's a bit of a magical match.

[Alana Bennett]

Normal gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Rachel Hampton]

Our story today takes place in a desert town in southwestern America. It's the kind of place that attracts artistic hippie types. The kind of place that proudly identifies as weird. Everything is sun bleached and there's a lot of turquoise. If you need a music cue, think Wide Open Spaces by the Chicks. Does this vibe appeal to you? Are you a fan of the desert?

[Alana Bennett]

I am not a fan of hiking in the desert. I'm not a fan of the outdoors in the desert because I don't trust it. But I will say I wrote for a show called Roswell, New Mexico, and spent some time in Santa Fe filming that. It's like the most beautiful when I don't have to be traversing through the cacti. And we had a snake wrangler. I don't want to be anywhere where there has to be a snake wrangler, but I can do it in small.

[Rachel Hampton]

Doses, not a professional snake wrangler.

[Alana Bennett]

So I don't want to be there in the desert. But a desert town with desert hippies. Delightful.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. I want to be in a car. I don't want to be out in the desert.

[Alana Bennett]

Correct.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. Okay, today we have two friends of a friend. Their names are Madelyn and Nicole, and they've been best friends since the sixth grade when they bonded over being the first in their grade to get braces. Traumatic experience. I get it.

[Alana Bennett]

Yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

They've been inseparable ever since. They call each other Nick and Mads. It's very cute. Nicole's grandmother recently moved into an assisted living facility. And as her grandma's favorite grandchild, Nicole has been tasked with taking a first pass at cleaning out her grandma's house. Nicole's happy to do it because her grandma has immaculate taste. And Nicole gets first dibs on anything her grandma wants to get rid of.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

She's even happier to do it because as soon as she told Madeline about it, Madeline had begged to come along with her. Madeline's been obsessed with this desert town since the first time Nicole came back from a visit to her grandmother's house with a tarot deck, an incredible vintage denim Jacket. And a story about how her grandma used to be called 2 Gen Jean.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh.

[Rachel Hampton]

Because 2 Gens is all it took to get her going.

[Alana Bennett]

Yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nicole and Madeline have been traveling together since they had enough money to do so. So the idea of a two day road trip is thrilling to them and not daunting. The road trip becomes even more thrilling the closer they get to town, which I will now be referring to as Tumbleweed Springs.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay, perfect.

[Rachel Hampton]

About 40 miles out, Madeline spots a billboard for something other than Jesus and personal injury lawyers. Alana, how do you feel about magic shows?

[Alana Bennett]

I've seen a magician perform. I've never been to, like, a place that's. That just does magic shows, but I would be into it. I think I would be scared of being called for audience participation. I would be into watching from afar.

[Rachel Hampton]

You don't want to be sawed in half.

[Alana Bennett]

No, but I want to see what they would come up with.

[Rachel Hampton]

Real. So Madeline's not necessarily obsessed with magic. She just saw David Copperfield at a formative age. So as soon as she sees this sign which advertises an adult magic show right in Tumbleweed Springs starring the mysterious Steve.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

She turns to Nicole and is like, the mysterious Steve. The billboard doesn't have anything else on it except a silhouette graphic of a crow. Nicole laughs and is like, I forgot about that billboard. And she tells Madeline that she had actually never been to the show because it was 21 plus and she hadn't visited Tumbleweed Springs since college. And then Nicole admits that she's low key. Always wanted to see it, especially because everyone in Tumbleweed Springs is so, so weird about it.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, weird in what way? Also, the adult part is starting to raise flags.

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, like, if you ask anyone in town about the show, they'll say they can't talk about it with anyone who hasn't seen it. Oh, it's kind of a main attraction in Tumbleweed Springs. Like, people have bumper stickers on their cars that say, I've seen the mysterious Steve. The bumper stickers also have the silhouette of a crow.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Would you want to check out the mysterious Steve? This is all the information you have.

[Alana Bennett]

I would unfortunately want to check out the mysterious Steve. I'm concerned, but I am curious enough. I'm concerned about the over 21 aspect, but I am intrigued by the fact that it's been so long running and that Steve, Steve in this place that is not probably a bustling metropolis, has had such success. I think the fact that it is the middle of the desert means Steve's Probably a little weird because that's just what these places attract.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Madeline immediately finds the Facebook business page for the Mysterious Steve and buys two tickets for the following evening.

[Alana Bennett]

Of course, it's not like a website. It's not a proper website.

[Rachel Hampton]

Oh, has to be a Facebook page. A couple of minutes later, Madeline receives confirmation along with a list of rules. So the rules are as follows. No outside water bottles, slash drinks or food are allowed in the domicile of Mysterious Steve. There will be a cash theater bar serving themed cocktails and snacks. Be there 15 minutes before the show starts. Because the doors close at 9pm patrons are not allowed to wear hats or sneakers as the mysterious sea finds this disrespectful.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then the final rule is, please confirm by way of response that you have read and understood everything.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh.

[Rachel Hampton]

What do you think of these rules?

[Alana Bennett]

I'm fascinated by the having to respond as if you're in the exit row of a plane. Yeah, most of them seem fine to me. The first one, no outside water bottles. I understand. No outside food in general, just to make you buy the stuff there. But that just makes me feel like, why is he afraid of water?

[Rachel Hampton]

These are all great questions. Madeline also thinks the last part is a little weird about confirming, but she responds, and she confirms that she's seen everything. And she asks, can we bring empty, reusable water bottles to fill up the account. Responds back, no need. We sell bottles of water. Madelyn and Nicole are like, fine, sure. Whatever. The next day comes, and it is the first time our ladies start to get a sense of the task ahead of them. Grandma Jean does have immaculate taste, but she, like most older people, has some hoarding tendencies. So the next day is spent tossing out cans of soup that expired in the early aughts.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

And sorting through decades of old Life magazines. By the time the evening rolls around, Mal and Nicole are more than ready for a magical experience.

[Alana Bennett]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

When they arrive at the theater, it's about the size of a single screen movie theater. And it is immediately clear that it hasn't been updated since the late 80s, at least.

[Alana Bennett]

Just adds to the vibe.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. There's no security. The shag carpet has been mowed down by generations of feet.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, not a shag carpet.

[Rachel Hampton]

There's a lot of royal red and dark purple velvet. The chandeliers are plentiful and also very dusty. There are a bunch of signed pictures up at the theater, like at Benihana.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Instead of celebrities who have been to see Mysterious Steve, it's just A bunch of photos of the mysterious Steve with his mentor, the fabulous Matt.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

At the door, our ladies are greeted by mysterious Steve's assistant, Indigo. Indigo is draped from head to foot in flowy linen and her silver hair is braided into a butt length braid. Indigo looks at Nicole very solemnly as she checks their tickets and then says that as the town's resident quantum healer, she would recommend Nicole work on her vibrations.

[Alana Bennett]

Quantum healer, okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nicole and Madeline give each other that look that says let's buckle the fuck in as they go to find their seats. You know that sound that metal reusable water bottles make when they hit something?

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

I once dropped one in a museum and it was traumatic.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, God. Everybody, everybody just like whipping towards you.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nicole is very familiar with that sound since she carries a reusable water bottle everywhere. She meant to leave hers in the car and only remembers that she hadn't when her water bottle hits an armrest.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh no.

[Rachel Hampton]

It doesn't make the loudest sound, but it is definitely audible over the low atmospheric music that's playing. Indigo's head whips around.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

And the sort of dreamy expression on her face evaporates into anger. She makes her way over to Nicole and Madeline and is like, did you not read the rules? They explicitly say no water bottles. Nicole is instantly apologetic. She's like, I'm so sorry. I meant to leave it in the car. I can drop it off outside really quick or just finish the water that's left in here. It's only a. Indigo's eyes get really big and she's like, no, you cannot drink that water. She's like, water has memory. It holds special frequencies.

[Alana Bennett]

What?

[Rachel Hampton]

Our water bottles, which cost $8 by the way, have been pre dowsed so they won't interfere with the dowsing portion of this event.

[Alana Bennett]

It's the dowsing.

[Rachel Hampton]

What do you think of this explanation?

[Alana Bennett]

I don't like it and I. My fight or flight has been activated. I have follow up questions for Indigo about what the dousing portion means. What did you put in the water? Is it just vibes or is it something else that you put in the water?

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Nicole and Madeline are like, what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into? But Nicole's been wanting to see this show since she was a teen, so she kind of swallows her questions and she's like, you're right, I'm so sorry. Water does have memory. Can I just run out and put this in my car? And Indigo sort of huffs and is like, fine, but hurry up. The show is starting soon, so Madeline's waiting in the theater for Nicole to get back. The theater's, like, half full. Only a few seconds have passed before Madelyn hears angry whispers floating from behind the tattered velvet curtain on stage.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

She can't quite make out what the whispers are saying, but she can tell that one of the voices is definitely Indigos and the other is definitely male. Madeline's no psychic, but she's fairly certain that Indigo and the mysterious Steve are discussing Nicole.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay. Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

She's preparing to tell Nicole when she gets back. Except as soon as Nicole reenters the theater sans water bottle, Indigo and the mysterious Steve exit from behind the curtain and go to confront Nicole.

[Alana Bennett]

It was just an innocent m.

[Rachel Hampton]

What would you expect a man named the Mysterious Steve to look like?

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no. I'm picturing, like, a wiry little rat man with a weird little mustache, Long dark hair, either in a braid or just, like, in a weird little ponytail. That's the vibe I'm getting, Alana.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's like you're psychic. The mysterious Steve is wearing a bolo tie, of course, and a vintage tuxedo shirt with a velvet blazer over the top. All of these items have clearly seen better days, as has his little ponytail, which is much longer than it is thick. The mysterious Steve meets Nicole at the door and starts angrily talking at her about how rude she is.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

He goes on about how the venue is a cherished local theater and how no theater in the world would allow someone to bring a water bottle. Madeline has known Nicole long enough to know what she looks like when she gets angry, and she also knows that Nicole tends to get sarcastic when she's angry, so she sort of winces when she sees Nicole smirk and then just fully cringes when Nicole's like, well, actually, I've been to Broadway, and that's not true.

[Alana Bennett]

Ooh, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

Do you think the mysterious Steve will take kindly to this?

[Alana Bennett]

I think he will not at all take kindly to this, but I think she makes a good point. Are you better than Broadway Steve?

[Rachel Hampton]

Well, Steve doesn't even really have a chance to, because before he can respond, Nicole continues. Nicole's like, and if you're such a great magician, why didn't you just make my water bottle disappear?

[Alana Bennett]

She said, I will not be taken down by this man.

[Rachel Hampton]

Not this ponyt.

[Alana Bennett]

No.

[Rachel Hampton]

Indigo lets out a dramatic gasp. Madeline stands up because she can sense what's about to happen next, as can everyone else in the half full theater who had fully dropped with the polite Pretense of not paying attention to this interaction, the Mysterious Steve draws himself up imperiously. But then he says to Nicole, I'm making you disappear. Get the fuck out.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh.

[Rachel Hampton]

For a moment, Nicole looks shocked, and then she's like, fuck your magic show. And storms out. This is gonna sound like a non sequitur, but I swear it's gonna make sense. I recently lit a kitchen towel on fire while I was cooking dinner for a friend. And she had to help me put it out because I just fully froze. I was just like, oh, my God, this towel's on fire.

[Alana Bennett]

What do I do?

[Rachel Hampton]

I also was a little bit high.

[Alana Bennett]

Yeah, you're like, the fire looks cool, but also, I need it to go way.

[Rachel Hampton]

Anyway, as soon as the fire was out, I knew this was going to be something we would reference forever. And now every so often, we text each other, like, remember when that kitchen towel was on fire? It was so on fire. Right. Have you had a moment like this with a friend before where something happens and you're immediately like, this is lore now?

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, absolutely. Oh, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

Malin and Nicole know they're going to be dining out on this experience with Mysterious Steve for at least two years minimum. This is the funniest thing that's happened to them in months. Getting kicked out of the Mysterious Steve show is almost even better than seeing the Mysterious Steve Show. Our two ladies immediately drive to a bar and order a pitcher of margaritas and a plate of wings. And they spend two hours picking over the experience, which lasted about 15 minutes, to be clear. They're like, did you see his ponytail? And what about all the turquoise? And who the fuck is fabulous Matt? Somewhere between their second and third round of margaritas, Madelyn and Nicole decide to leave a review for the show on Facebook. Are you someone who leaves online reviews?

[Alana Bennett]

I am not. I am not. Usually. I feel like I will age into it. I feel like more. I'll leave one more review every year of my life.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Mysterious Steve's show has about 150 reviews, and most of them are five stars. The reviews read like the part with the cactus. Just wow. And I still don't understand what Mysterious Steve did with those handcuffs. And the crow section was crazy. And a few that were like, incredible to still have abs at Steve's age. Drop the workout routine.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's an adult magic show. The ones that are three or four stars all have responses from the Mysterious Steve Facebook page that alleges the reviewer never actually saw the show. Ooh. All to say, Nicole And Madeline get a real sense of joy from writing their one star review. They write, we were kicked out before the show even started for bringing a reusable metal bottle, which was nothing but an honest mistake. They write that as soon as they were made aware of this honest mistake, they tried to rectify it by putting the water bottle in their car. But upon returning to the theater, a member of their party was accosted by the mysterious Steve. And then they end the review with this. We came for a night of fun, and instead we were treated horribly by everyone involved. Who kicks people out of a magic show? What do you think of this review?

[Alana Bennett]

I think it's honest and good and people should know how seriously he takes the water bottles because otherwise you're gonna.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's true. Nicole and Madeline are both just mostly impressed with their ability to properly punctuate after two rounds of margaritas. So they order another and then grab a cab back to Grandma Jean's place. It's once they've gone back to Grandma Jean's place that Madelyn realizes she has received a bunch of calls over Facebook from the mysterious Steve.

[Alana Bennett]

No. A Facebook call.

[Rachel Hampton]

Literally, just the words Facebook calls sent a chill down my spine.

[Alana Bennett]

No, don't call me on Facebook, don't call me on Instagram, don't call me in general if I do not know you.

[Rachel Hampton]

The mysterious Steve has called Madeline so many times and then finally sent her a block of text over Facebook messenger. Would you like to hear what the mysterious Steve had to say?

[Alana Bennett]

Yes, I guess.

[Rachel Hampton]

He wrote. Dear Madeline, how surprising that you've chosen to write a review for a theatrical experience you've yet to see. We here at Mysterious Steve's Mystery palace treasure all perspectives. Still, I think we can both agree that it's only fair to evaluate something after experiencing it firsthand. I, too find it regrettable that our interactions weren't as cordial as they should have been. However, we locate the blame in different places.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

You did not apologize and were very rude. We hope that you will reflect on the incident and choose to communicate more politely in the future. No one likes to feel left out, and I understand this may be difficult for you. I don't sense that you're the type of person who wants to ruin lives. But the review you wrote isn't justified because you haven't seen the show. Additionally, it's hurting my business. The thing that provides food for my family. I kindly ask you to remove it. Huge news. Our dowager queen Kelsey McKinney wrote a new York Times bestselling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called you'd Didn't Hear this from Me. Mostly True notes on Gossip and I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and West Elm, Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun. And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback and a super sexy audiobook which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can also go to KelseyMcKinneyBook.com to see all retailers. It's no secret that prices are going up right now. I like A lot of people have been looking for places to save money like switching from name brand to generic at the store or skipping out on my little vanilla oat latte. But if you're like me and you need your little treat to survive, then maybe consider checking out Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. The thing that I love the most about Rocket Money is the dashboard that gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts. I think the thing that stops me from actually managing my subscriptions more effectively is just the thought of having to look at my credit card statement and confront what I'm spending my money on. Rocket Money makes that a whole lot easier. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and I saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the apps Premium features. Some of the subscriptions Rocket Money has helped me cancel are substacks that I subscribe to that I have been paying for for an undisclosed amount of time and haven't read. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.comGossip today. That's RocketMoney.comGossip RocketMoney.comGossip Spring is one of my absolute favorite times of the year. It's that time of the year when I finally get to open my windows and let in all that fresh air. But you know what can really ruin all those beautiful spring smells? Litter box stink. Luckily, I use Pretty Litter, which obliterates odor so that I can enjoy all the wonderful scents of the season. Pretty Litter's non clumping formula traps odor and moisture. It's ultra absorbent, it's lightweight, low dust and 16 pound bag works for up to a month. And since Pretty Litter ships free right to my door, I never run out. I don't have huge kitty litter bags taking up space. I don't have to go out into the rain and lug those huge tubs from a store into my house. I think we all know that litter isn't exactly the most aesthetically pleasing thing in our home. Pretty Litter really lives up to its name. I literally said to myself after I poured this into my cat's litter box. That's gorgeous. Pretty Litter is so cute. It's kind of insane. Pretty Litter helps keep my house smelling fresh and clean. Try and you'll love it. Go to PrettyLitter.comGossip to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy. That's Prelitter.comGossip to save twenty percent on your first order and get a free cat toy. Pretty Litter.com gossip terms and conditions apply. See site for details. So after receiving this text from the mysterious Steve, Madeline and Nicole don't only decide not to remove their review. They decide to engage in a flame war over Facebook messenger with the mysterious Steve. Yes, and it gets pretty heated.

[Alana Bennett]

He does seem like the type to get very heated over Facebook.

[Rachel Hampton]

At one point, the mysterious Steve informs Madeline Nicole that he is 1 18th Cherokee and accuses them of being racist.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh my God.

[Rachel Hampton]

Madeline's like, I didn't even speak a single word the whole time I was in the theater. Eventually, Mal and Nicole start feeling the three pictures of margaritas, and they get sleepy and they decide they're done fighting with this guy, and they're like, time to go to bed. When they wake up, there are yet more Facebook messages and calls from the mysterious Steve. One of the messages even says that the police are looking for them.

[Alana Bennett]

What?

[Rachel Hampton]

At this point, Madeline and Nicole are both sober and hungover and no longer feel like engaging.

[Alana Bennett]

Like, we, we can't do this anymore.

[Rachel Hampton]

So Madeline blocks Mysterious Eve's Facebook page, and the two go about their day, which includes visiting Grandma Jean at her extremely bougie senior living facility. Nicole and Madeline are regaling Grandma Jean with the story of their previous night. Grandma Jean is laughing until Madeline's like, yeah. And then you said the police are looking for us. Isn't that so funny? Grandma Jean's like, oh, girls, I have to tell you something.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

And Grandma Jean tells them that mysterious Steve isn't just a magician. He's also a reserve deputy sheriff.

[Alana Bennett]

What?

[Rachel Hampton]

Which basically means he's a volunteer cop.

[Alana Bennett]

Who's a volunteer cop?

[Rachel Hampton]

People with Too much time on their hands.

[Alana Bennett]

Also, can you imagine, like, being pulled over by that ponytail in the middle of the night in the desert?

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So now Mal and Nicole are like, are the police actually looking for us? Grandma Jean also informs them that mysterious Steve didn't simply learn magic and an unusual approach to stage names from the fabulous Matt. He was invited to become a reserve deputy sheriff since Matt was the town sheriff for decades.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, what is going on with the. With the. With the police force?

[Rachel Hampton]

Tumbleweed Springs has a lot going on.

[Alana Bennett]

All of their cops are magicians.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yes. How do you react to this news? Do you feel like you've broken any laws?

[Alana Bennett]

No, I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I am concerned for the structure of Tumbleweed Springs, the societal structure, and that there could be cops after you. But having a cop after you and knowing that you have done nothing and knowing that there are no laws that you broke, one of the worst feelings in the world, I have to think, because they could still come after you.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Mal and Nicole only have, like, 48 more hours in town. Neither of them are lawyers, but they're both like, there's no way we broke a law by leaving a one star review. On the way home from Grandma Jean's, Nicole gets a call from an unknown number with a local area code. It's one of those numbers that says spam likely. And they call Nicole three times in a row. She does not answer, but she's like, what if he has access to, like, a police database or something and got my number? Madeline's like, okay, just block the number. Both of them are starting to get freaked out and are trying not to show it. When they get back to Grandma Jean's house, they see that Nicole has received friend requests from the personal accounts of both the mysterious Steve and Indigo.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Hampton]

She gets messages from them both which reiterate that the police are looking for her and that she should go to the police station.

[Alana Bennett]

Expand on that thought, both of you, because what is happening? Why are you thinking so hard about this? One star review? Okay, Stephen.

[Rachel Hampton]

Indigo even found Nicole's crafting. Instagram called Nicksnacks and left a comment on one of the public posts there. Also, at some point, Instagram sends Nicole a message that she requested her own password, which she did not. So now Nicole is assuming that they're trying to break into her Instagram account. None of this is helped by the fact that while Nicole and Madeline are going through Grandma Jean's clothes and pretending not to be worried, they Hear a loud crash and run out to the front room to see that a crow has fallen dead from the sky right onto the porch.

[Alana Bennett]

No, not the most ominous bird. The only more ominous one being ravens.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. So, Alana, you're in a desert town in the middle of nowhere, and a magician volunteer cop is seemingly out to get you. What do you do?

[Alana Bennett]

I leave. And then I write a novel or a long narrative podcast or sell it as a TV show. But then I never return to this place.

[Rachel Hampton]

You're like, I exploit my fear for gain.

[Alana Bennett]

Yes. And I tell everybody. And then I never return to any desert town. Not even just that one.

[Rachel Hampton]

No desert town. Not even in America. I will not be going to the desert on any continent.

[Alana Bennett]

No. And I distrust all crows.

[Rachel Hampton]

So neither one of our ladies wants to admit to being scared enough to leave. They're like, this is ridiculous. But they're both like, what if we just stayed in tonight? We're tired. They dig through Grandma Jean's fridge and pantry only to realize pretty much everything is expired.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

They consider delivery, but they don't feel great about giving out their address.

[Alana Bennett]

Right.

[Rachel Hampton]

And the grocery store in town is right next to the mysterious Thieves Theater.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Hampton]

So they end up going to a diner on the other side of town, but things seem weird there, too. They kind of feel like everyone's staring at them. It's not until the waitress asks them how long they're in town that they're both like, oh, yes, this town is very small. They know we're not from here. That's probably what's happening.

[Alana Bennett]

Right?

[Rachel Hampton]

And so they tell the waitress that they're only in town for another day and a half. And then the waitress is like, well, you have to see the mysterious Steve while you're here. He's unforgettable. As soon as the waitress leaves, Madeline and Nicole were like, what do you think she meant by unforgettable? Does she know? They eat as fast as possible and scurry home, but weird things keep happening. Do you think our friend should be worried? Would you be, like, burning sage at this point?

[Alana Bennett]

I. I might be burning sage all day. Definitely looking over my shoulder. Definitely distrusting the general vibe. I'm ready to go home.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah, our girls are in the same place. Especially once Nicole finds mold in her reusable water bottle, even though she just washed it before heading out on the road. Unknown numbers continue to call. The next day, Nicole and Madeline are just rushing to finish cleaning out the house so that they can leave Brighton early the next morning. While they're wrapping dishes with newspaper. An unforecasted storm passes through town and it drops more rainfall on the town than Tumbleweed Springs has seen in a decade. Is this climate change or the mysterious Steve?

[Alana Bennett]

It's the mysterious Steve.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nicole and Madeline don't want to stick around to find out. Finally, the morning comes where they're scheduled to leave. Nicole and Madeline are usually the type of road trippers who are always like two hours behind schedule. Same. I can't get up in the morning. Yes, yes. This time they're both up and alert at 4 in the morning.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay, like we gotta go.

[Rachel Hampton]

They drop by Grandma Jeans before leaving town. They're both rich in vintage clothing and would like to never see another can of corned beef hash ever again. We're almost at the end of our story. How are you feeling?

[Alana Bennett]

I am feeling good for them that they are on the precipice of leaving. I'm feeling nervous for them. I'm also feeling a strange sense of regret that I don't get to know all of the details of what happens in this mysterious Steve show. Because that is just a hole that I would like to know all the details even though I'm not sure I would want to see the abs.

[Rachel Hampton]

But yeah, someone needs to like illegally livestream the show.

[Alana Bennett]

But I think he might have them imprisoned for life.

[Rachel Hampton]

It's true. Mal and Nicole breathe a sigh of relief as soon as they're past the city limits of tumbleweed springs. About 40 minutes out, they even relax enough to put on rumors. Even though Indigo Low Key had strong wannabe Stevie Nicks vibes. They're about two hours out of town when a police car appears behind them and it just stays behind them, not passing them. They're on an empty little two lane highway. No buildings or houses around for miles. They left early enough that the sun is just now peeking over the horizon. So it's still a little dark. Nicole, who's driving, instinctively puts her hands at 10 and 2. Madeline turns down go your own way. After a few miles of this, the cop car turns its lights on and signals for them to pull over. Nicole and Madame look at each other, panic on both of their faces. They are both absolutely bricking it because they're absolutely certain that this is mysterious. Steve's doing.

[Alana Bennett]

This is insane.

[Rachel Hampton]

They pull over and the officer approaches the car. Madeline and Nicole can't tell what the officer looks like because they're wearing like a 10 gallon hat and aviator shades. It could be a man or a woman. It could be indigo or Steve or Matt. What do you do?

[Alana Bennett]

Oh. Oh, gosh. I don't know. I don't know. I think I just freeze and do whatever they tell me for the next 10 minutes, and then maybe. And then I definitely pull out my phone to record.

[Rachel Hampton]

Smart.

[Alana Bennett]

For a thousand reasons. One, if it's this magician, Great story. Also, sense of fear and danger.

[Rachel Hampton]

So the officer approaches their car, motions for them to roll their window down. Before she can even ask for license and registration, Nicole and Madeline just break. They're like, we're innocent. We swear. They're like, don't believe the magician. The officer takes off her sunglasses. Which is when Nicole and Madeline finally realize that this is a complete stranger.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

It doesn't make them feel much less panicked, though. Who knows how many allies the mysterious Steve has. The officer's like, I'm gonna need both of you to step out the car.

[Alana Bennett]

You've just raised some red flags for me.

[Rachel Hampton]

Madeline briefly wonders if it's a crime to shit your pants in the presence of an officer. Once both Nicole and Madeline are out of the car, the officer's like, do you know why I pulled you over? And they both shake their heads. And the officer's like, well, your brake lights have been on for the past four miles, but now I need both of you to take a breathalyzer.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

Nicole and Madeline look at each other, and they're like, brake light. The officer makes them do a bunch of sobriety tests, like walking in a straight line and standing on one leg. Because this officer's like a magician. Nicole almost fails the sobriety test because she has a comically bad sense of balance.

[Alana Bennett]

I feel bad. Yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

But the officer ends up letting them go with a warning to get their brake lights checked. And that's pretty much the end of our story. How are you feeling? Will you ever leave a one star review ever again?

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, no. He has bullied me out of it, even though he didn't bully me. I am scared for Tumblr springs. I am enraptured by what might be in this magic show. Also, I just can't help think I feel like deserts come with a big cult vibe.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Real.

[Alana Bennett]

So I'm just like. I just. Who knows how deep this goes?

[Rachel Hampton]

All the stickers are actually signs of being a member of the epic.

[Alana Bennett]

Exactly.

[Rachel Hampton]

We do have two postscripts.

[Alana Bennett]

Ooh, yes.

[Rachel Hampton]

So a few days after Madeline and Nicole get home, Grandma Jean calls Nicole, and she's like, sweetie, is something up with your phone? The movers I hired to bring my loveseat over said that they couldn't get in contact with you. They kept calling you while you were here, but you just weren't picking up.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh, okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

And then our second postscript is that every so often when Madelyn and Nicole get together, they check on Mysterious Thieves Facebook page to see if anyone had a similar experience. Which is how they notice that Mysterious Steve keeps editing his public response to their one star review. The most recent change began with we have never once kicked anyone out for bringing their own water bottles. We love the environment.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay, Blatant lie, but okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

And it ended with maybe unlearn your bias towards indigenous people. It's very racist for the 118th Cherokee.

[Alana Bennett]

Okay.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's our story. Alana.

[Alana Bennett]

Oh my God. Oh. Gonna be thinking about Mysterious Steve.

[Rachel Hampton]

And his long ponytail.

[Alana Bennett]

And his long, probably greasy and dry.

[Rachel Hampton]

Ponytail somehow at the same time.

[Alana Bennett]

Yeah.

[Rachel Hampton]

Yeah. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me.

[Alana Bennett]

I had the time of my life and also was genuinely scared at moments.

[Rachel Hampton]

That's the Normal Gossip promise. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email [e-mail] or you can leave us a voicemail at DEF2679Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or friend of a [e-mail] youm can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok ormalgossip. You can follow me on all social media. Eydanae H E Y Y D N A E this podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks and Jay Tolviera. The co creators and dowager queen of Normal gossip are Alex Sujong, Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defectors projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors business guys. Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defectors supervising producer. Tom Le is our editor in chief. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store which you can find at normalgossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show. Art thank you to Katherine Shue, Brandi Jensen, Louise Pays Puma, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wang, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford and Ray Ratto for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host Rachel Hampton and remember you didn't hear this from me. Radiotopia from.