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- [00:00]
Kelsey McKinney
This is it. We are running out of time to reach our goal of 2024 donors before the end of the year. The money that you donate, the funds you're able to share, are crucial to keeping our network running and ensuring that you get to listen to normal gossip and all of the other fantastic shows on Radiotopia. I got to spend an evening recently with Nate DeMaio, the host of the Memory palace, which is a beautiful show that is also part of radiotop. He was in my city promoting his new book, also called the Memory palace, and he started talking about Radiotopia.
- [00:40]
Rachel Hampton
It was the 90s and the late.
- [00:41]
Mira
90S, and, you know, we were, like, concerned. And it turns out for good reason.
- [00:47]
Rachel Hampton
We'Re not selling out. You know, I'm a member of Radiotopia in part because it's a collective of independent artists.
- [00:53]
Mira
And like, I learned in, you know.
- [00:55]
Rachel Hampton
Like 1996 that that was the way to be and to find a place.
- [00:58]
Mira
That does that has been amazing.
- [01:01]
Kelsey McKinney
I felt so proud to be a colleague of his and to be part of this collective that literally puts its money where its mouth is when it comes to supporting independent creators. I understand there is so much going on in the world right now. It's a tough time for independent media and podcasts. For people who want to have control over their intellectual property, over their business decisions, and over their creative projects. Radiotopia is a place where that's possible, but only with your help. This community of incredible creators wouldn't exist without listeners like you. Every dollar counts and it really all adds up. So whatever you're able to give will make a huge difference. As a token of our gratitude, when you donate today, you'll also get access to the list of our favorite things curated by us and all of the producers in the network. I included something that I truly cannot live without. So head on over to radiotopia fm. Donate to donate today. Thank you so much.
- [02:16]
Rachel Hampton
Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today is a very special day. Things are changing, and while change can be a little scary, I ask that you trust us. We believe that while this is a big change, it's going to be a fucking great one. When Alex and I first started working on this podcast in earnest, I was kind of doing it as a bit like I'd never hosted a podcast before. I'd never written a script. It was just this weird and funny thing we were doing. And then obviously, it became so much more than that. But the thing about creative work of any kind is that it requires passion and energy. And more than anything, it requires its creators to be entertained. If I'm bored by a story, you'll be bored by a story. Like, if I'm not excited about something we're doing, it won't feel exciting for you. I never want to half ass an episode for y'all. I do not want to run this thing into the ground on my own ego or hubris or some other weird third thing. The stories being good has always been our priority. And for the stories to continue being good on Normal Gossip, it needs new minds. Which is all to say, we have been keeping a secret from you this whole season, and it has been so hard because it is such an exciting secret. Last week's episode with Rishikesh Hirway was the last episode that Alex and I controlled. We babied it. We loved it. We love all of our episodes. Our beautiful children don't ask us which one is our favorite. We don't know. For us, the gossip era is changing. I have written a book about gossip. It's out in February. I'll tour it in February, and then I will be moving on. Alex will move on. We will move on to something else that I can't tell you yet because I don't know what it is. We need time to figure it out. But this show is so good and I'm so proud of what we built here, and we could not leave y'all gossipless heading into what is sure to be a nightmare few years. You deserve a good product and great stories. You deserve to be entertained. And so we are handing it off. The podcast will stay in house at Defector Media, where Alex will still keep an eye on it as supervising producer. We will stay with Radiotopia and I will still be around and involved like some kind of overbearing ante. This is a peaceful transition of power. You will be in new, beautiful, brilliant hands. I am thrilled beyond belief. Even shaking. I'm so excited to introduce to you the new host of Normal Gossip, America's next top normal Gossip host, the podcast absolute best friend, Rachel Buckinghampton. Rachel, hello.
- [05:14]
Mira
Hello.
- [05:16]
Rachel Hampton
Hi.
- [05:17]
Mira
Hi. This is the most exciting day of my life.
- [05:22]
Rachel Hampton
It's the most exciting day of my life. I'm thrilled.
- [05:25]
Mira
I can't tell you how excited I am.
- [05:28]
Rachel Hampton
The thing is, like, the handover isn't even in the future. It starts right now. This episode is being produced by Rachel's partner in crime Sierra Sprague Ricks. These are the very last moments that I am in charge. And because I am in charge for, like, a couple more minutes, I'm going to brag about you, Rachel. I'm so sorry.
- [05:45]
Mira
Oh, scary, scary. I don't know.
- [05:50]
Rachel Hampton
I think that people need to know that, like, you have been in this show's DNA from the beginning. You were the second episode we ever recorded. That story became season one's Can I say something bitchy? Which people still say is their favorite episode. When we wanted to try out a live show a million years ago, you did us a favor and we're the guest. Like, not to make you cry, but, like, you're fucking brilliant. Like, after Rachel joined Defector this summer, she came to all of our meetings and helped with the stories and gave notes on the episodes. You already love her work. Like, I am crying because I have so much faith in her. It's ridiculous. Like, there's no one I would have handed this show off to except for Rachel. Rachel, as a water sign, are you thrilled that I have cried on the podcast for the first time?
- [06:36]
Mira
I have never been happier in my entire life than to see you crying. What are clearly happy tears. I. I love this show. I love you. I love Alex and Jay, and I love Ciara. And this show has been my favorite show since it started. I literally remember recording that episode with you in an old apartment in Brooklyn and thinking, you know, there are shows that I will re listen to. There are very few shows that I will re listen to, but I know this is gonna be one of them. And it was entirely accurate. It's been such an honor to be involved with this show from the very beginning. Every single time I was invited back, I just kept thinking, wow, I'm so happy to be writing Kelsey's coattails. And here I am doing it once again. Kelsey, how do you feel?
- [07:36]
Rachel Hampton
I feel emotional. More emotional than I expected. But really, I mean, doing this has been one of the highlights of my career. It's an honor to bring these insight, sane stories 20 weeks a year to the people. Like, I'm so, so grateful to everyone who listens and tells their friends to listen, who sent in gossip and who loves our work. And, like, as of right now, Rachel's in charge, which is. I. Like, I'm fucking thrilled. I'm so excited. Like, I finally get to do what everyone else gets to do, which is listen to these stories, like, for the first time and freak out. Like, I can't wait to do that, and as your first benevolent act, I get to be guest today on your first episode, which is so exciting for me. Rachel, are you ready?
- [08:26]
Mira
I think I am.
- [08:28]
Rachel Hampton
Take it away, babe.
- [08:36]
Mira
Hello, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Rachel Hampton. In each episode of this podcast, we're going to be bringing you in anonymous, more civil gossip from the real world. And today, I am joined by Dowager Queen of normal gossip, Kelsey McKinney. Hello.
- [08:56]
Rachel Hampton
Not Dowager Queen. Like, I've hit menopause.
- [09:02]
Mira
Listen, you are at state dinners. You are telling the archduke that he is allowed. We are up. Kelsey, how's it feel to be on the other side?
- [09:13]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God. Okay. To be honest, I'm, like, a little nervous. Like, I probably should have done this earlier because I'm like, our poor guests, right? Like, I'm like, I don't know what's coming. I don't know what you're gonna say to me. Like, I had to pick a gossip story, and I was like, oh, no.
- [09:29]
Mira
I love that you were finally experiencing what guests have to go through. Well, it's time for you to answer the question that you've been asking for years now, except a little different. How has your relationship with gossip changed over the course of hosting this show?
- [09:45]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh. So when I started hosting the show, I do think our kind of relationship to gossip was a little different as a culture. We spent a lot of the first season trying to convince people that gossip was not evil, and that really isn't something you have to do as often anymore. Like, there's just way more gossip in the world and way more positive feelings toward gossip. Like, a pendulum is kind of swinging. So I think when I started the show, my relationship with gossip was still, like, a little tentative. I kind of came into it as, like, oh, you know, here's this thing that I love that people say is bad. Here's this way that I view it that I want other people to view it. And that really has changed, I mean, substantially in four years. And I think now my. I'm. I think about gossip all the time. I've thought about it constantly for so long, right? Like, I wrote a whole book about it, and it's, like, the only thing I've been able to think about for years. So I think my relationship with it now is much more professional, first off. But I'm also just inundated with gossip now, because every single person who I ever meet is like, here's a little morsel. Would you like it? And so I am eating.
- [10:56]
Mira
I cannot wait for people to Know even more that they can tell me gossip after this moment. I also love how you say the pendulum has swung since the show started, as if the show was not part of the pendulum swinging. Kelsey, I wonder why the pendulum has swung much. Maybe because there's a show that has taught the importance and joy of gossip.
- [11:18]
Rachel Hampton
Huh? Yeah, I mean, it's. I do think that that's probably true on some level. It is funny that now I feel like. I mean, don't read the comments, et cetera. But we do get criticism sometimes for people who are like, why are you talking about the importance that gossip has in the world? Everybody already knows this. And I'm like, well, all right. One, not everyone. Two, like, that wasn't true when we started. And I think it's hard. It has been often hard for me to remember that, like, the culture has changed and we were part of that change, right? Like, people are now thinking about gossip as more of a storytelling mechanism than they were three years ago. And I do think that Alex and I's work had a lot to do with that, and I'm happier for it because the stories are fucking better, right? Like, people are going straight to cam on TikTok with the craziest shit you've ever heard, which is, mamma Mia, what a gift.
- [12:06]
Mira
You know how many story times on TikTok have been influenced by normal gossip? We'll never know. But I will say safely, a million. Speaking of, a little birdie told me you had some gossip for me.
- [12:22]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God, I do. Okay, so I know this girl, right? Well, I don't know her. A friend of a friend knows her, and she has this terrible boss, right? Like, he's the kind of guy who, like, never wears shoes in the office.
- [12:32]
Mira
Ew.
- [12:33]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. And, like, brings his dog in even though people on his staff are allergic.
- [12:37]
Mira
Rude.
- [12:38]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. And this is, like, gross tech company, right? So she, like, works all the time. She's miserable. And one day, they're like, hey, we need you to run out and get champagne because it's your boss's birthday. And she's like, okay. So she goes to the grocery store. She's in this, like, huge rush. And the checkout clerk is, like, trying to gab with her, right? Like, he's like, you know, how's your day? How's it going? And she's, like, flustered, and she's like, I'm so sorry, but, like, can you please hurry?
- [13:07]
Mira
Wow.
- [13:09]
Rachel Hampton
And then he slows down. He's, like, taking the bottle really slowly off the conveyor. Belt. He's like, you know, trying to scan the bottle, like, half heartedly. It's like, not scanning. And she's like, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
- [13:24]
Mira
Yeah.
- [13:25]
Rachel Hampton
Then the bottle, like, kind of slips and it catches, you know, on the edge of that, like, scale thing, and it fucking shatters. I mean, glass everywhere. Glass in his hair. Glass in her hair. Like sticky champagne fucking on the ceiling. Right Everywhere.
- [13:42]
Mira
Oh, my God. Health hazard.
- [13:44]
Rachel Hampton
Health hazard. And this girl, because she is, like, so worked up about this terrible job that she has with this terrible boss, is like, oh, my God. Like, I can't believe this. I'm in a rush. This is ridiculous.
- [13:55]
Mira
Yeah.
- [13:56]
Rachel Hampton
You think that's a reasonable response here?
- [13:58]
Mira
Oh, I would have started crying.
- [14:00]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [14:02]
Mira
It's one of those things where it's the final straw. And you normally would not have cried about something like that.
- [14:09]
Rachel Hampton
Yes.
- [14:09]
Mira
And then it happens at the end of a really long day, and you're like, everything has been building to this moment, and now I'm simply releasing myself.
- [14:17]
Rachel Hampton
To the tears 100%. And shattering. I think something shattering is the worst version of that.
- [14:23]
Mira
That's your hair that feels.
- [14:24]
Rachel Hampton
You can't move.
- [14:26]
Mira
Right.
- [14:26]
Rachel Hampton
Like, it's awful. The other thing is that she's kind of, like, raised her voice at him by being like, this is ridiculous. Like, she has gotten a little sharp, and so she's, like, embarrassed. She's like, I'm not really the kind of person who yells. Like, I definitely don't want to be the kind of person who yells at a checkout guy at the grocery store. And so she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, it's an accident. Like, I did not mean to yell at you. And then she looks up and makes eye contact, and he is, like, so, so, so hot.
- [15:01]
Mira
Keep going.
- [15:02]
Rachel Hampton
Like, how. What kind of game do you have? What would you do here?
- [15:05]
Mira
Well, the thing is, I would have been crying, so I don't know how much game I have in this moment, but I think if you're apologizing for being sharp, it's a really easy way to be. Like, I'm so sorry. I'm having a terrible day. I didn't mean to yell at you. Can I do anything to make it up to you?
- [15:27]
Rachel Hampton
Yes, exactly. And our girl has, like, no game, but she is good at apologizing. So she's like, I'm so sorry. She's, like, swooning, right? And he's like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy? But there's a wink in his voice. So it's really more like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy?
- [15:44]
Mira
I think I want to know that kind of person.
- [15:47]
Rachel Hampton
And then she's like a bad person. And he's like, hmm, I don't know about that. And then they went out for drinks after his shift was over and they got married.
- [16:04]
Mira
This is beautiful. This is beautiful. Following up from the gossip from Caroline about the adoptive teen lord. I love rom com gossip. I love a getting together story. I love a meet cute. Give it to me, inject it. It gives me hope that I don't have to be on Tinder and I can just have a bad day and get champagne spilled all over me and then find my husband.
- [16:28]
Rachel Hampton
I was like, I know my girls are romantic, so I'm going to bring her this cutesy little story.
- [16:33]
Mira
Thank you so much. That was beautiful. I have something for you.
- [16:37]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God. What is it?
- [16:39]
Mira
Ready for some gossip?
- [16:42]
Rachel Hampton
I've never been more ready in my life.
- [16:44]
Mira
Let's fucking go.
- [16:48]
Rachel Hampton
Normal gossip is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates for multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.
- [17:20]
Mira
Okay, Kelsey, today our friend of a friend is Josie. Okay, Josie's in her mid-30s and her most defining trait is being a former theater kid.
- [17:33]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [17:35]
Mira
She is the kind of person who prefers the original Broadway cast recording of Rent more than the 2005 movie soundtrack, even though a a lot of the actors are the same. She's the kind of person who listened to the Hamilton mixtape when it came out.
- [17:50]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [17:50]
Mira
Her go to karaoke song is don't rain on my parade from Funny Girl.
- [17:55]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [17:58]
Mira
Our story today takes place on international waters. No.
- [18:03]
Rachel Hampton
What?
- [18:03]
Mira
Because for the past eight years, our friend of a friend, Josie has been working as a performer on cruises. Kelsey, how do you feel about cruises?
- [18:14]
Rachel Hampton
I'm already. There's so many things I hate happening in here. Like, something I think I have kept decently concealed throughout the time as the host of this podcast. Is that the type of person I have the most, like, struggles with in my interpersonal life is these people, right? Like the, like, very loud theater kid brand is a type that I really struggle to interact with because I'm a Virgo and I'm not funny. Also, a thing I don't like is International waters. Like, they could Just kill you out there. Like, you shouldn't go out there. You definitely should not go out there for work. Like, we barely have any protections in this country. Don't go out there. I've never been on a cruise, and I don't really want to go out there on a cruise. I think the ocean is a beautiful and terrifying place, and I respect her. By staying away.
- [19:03]
Mira
Exactly. So fair. Like, yeah, I've seen the Titanic, you know, and so has our girl Josie, who was also initially very skeptical of cruises, not just because of the Titanic, but because she's a hot young thing. She's not a retiree.
- [19:19]
Rachel Hampton
Yes.
- [19:20]
Mira
And like most people in creative feels, at the beginning of her career, Josie had really big dreams.
- [19:25]
Rachel Hampton
Oh.
- [19:26]
Mira
She went to Berkeley, the music school in Boston, the one in California. She was gonna be on Broadway. She was gonna travel the world on the Lion King tour.
- [19:36]
Rachel Hampton
Oh.
- [19:37]
Mira
But then she graduated and started working shows in Boston and realized that working your way up in the theater world is both hard and expensive. And she also kind of hates Boston. It's cold and snowy and full of racist.
- [19:52]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. Yeah.
- [19:53]
Mira
And Josie, she had this feeling that if she really wanted to make it, she needed to move to New York. But she doesn't come from money. She has loans from Berkeley, and bartending while waiting for callbacks is barely covering her rent.
- [20:06]
Rachel Hampton
Totally.
- [20:07]
Mira
Do you have any experience in a field like this?
- [20:11]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. I mean, yikes. My first job in journalism paid $30,000 before taxes, and I had to move to Washington, D.C. which has one of the highest tax rates in the country. Almost all creative careers are filled with people who are just secretly wealthy, and you don't find that out till they're, like, 27. Somehow, like, they just hide it. And I also think there's, like, in any creative career, if you are successful, you know, that part of that is luck. And, like, if you don't get lucky, you are kind of screwed. Right. Like, I was there. I remember being like, I just need five things to fall in my favor, and it'll be fine. And, like, you can't. There's nothing you can do to control that. Which sucks. Poor Josie.
- [20:54]
Mira
Exactly. Well, the thing is, one day, a few years after graduating, Josie is bitching about her situation, as one does, of course. But that day was different, because the person she was bitching to was a professor at Berkeley that she was still close to. And this professor let her in on a secret way of making money while still pursuing her musical dreams.
- [21:14]
Rachel Hampton
Mm.
- [21:16]
Mira
So I did some research about how much cruise performers make and the starting rate is around $2,400 a month, which doesn't really sound like a lot. No, but remember, you're not paying any rent.
- [21:28]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [21:29]
Mira
You don't have any food costs because every meal is paid for. You get free transportation to and from port of call. So all you have to do is get yourself to an airport and your health insurance is free on board. Ooh.
- [21:42]
Rachel Hampton
Okay. So you have no life expenses.
- [21:45]
Mira
Essentially, you can just save money and to a struggling recent college grad. It sounds like a pretty sweet life, right?
- [21:53]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [21:54]
Mira
Some might say a sweet life on deck.
- [21:56]
Rachel Hampton
No. No. Get out.
- [22:01]
Mira
So you're Josie. You're 24. You're spending down your savings. You're second in line for an understudy role in a Boston production of Jesus Christ Superstar, and you kind of think Andrew Lloyd Webber is a hack. Your professor has already passed your resume along to a director of a cruise that's shipping out in a month. The first stop, it's in the Bahamas. What do you do?
- [22:27]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, the thing is, I'm getting it right. Like, it's cold, it's miserable. Once I dropped my cannoli on the ground in Boston. So I have beef with that city. Like, I understand why she would want to leave. I still am like, don't do it. Like, do not get on this cruise ship. Because I just am. Like, any story that has gotten to this level ends in chaos. So I'm like, I would not be getting on the ship.
- [22:53]
Mira
Unfortunately, our girl Josie is like, sign me the fuck up.
- [22:58]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [22:59]
Mira
She finds a subletter for her room in Jamaica Plains and ships out. And for the first few cruises, the ships are a little rinky dink. They're a little rundown. Think the kind of cruise you might get, a Groupon for everything, costs a little extra. The Spirit Airlines of cruise.
- [23:18]
Rachel Hampton
No, no. Absolutely not. Like, no.
- [23:23]
Mira
But the thing is, Josie's actually really good at being a cruise employee. Importantly, most cruise contracts are at least four months in length. But if you're a performer, you can spend 11 months with your cast and musical director, two months in rehearsals, and nine months for the actual cruise. You have to be a really particular kind of person to thrive in these sort of environments.
- [23:47]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [23:48]
Mira
Like, not only are you surrounded by water in every direction, you're stuck with the same people for nearly a year. There's no escape. Everyone knows. Everyone who knows everything. You are basically kind of on a floating prison.
- [24:03]
Rachel Hampton
It's like a floating prison or like the Big Brother house without cameras.
- [24:06]
Mira
Right, exactly. And cameras. If you're on below deck.
- [24:10]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [24:12]
Mira
But Josie thrives. She loves being rocked to sleep by the waves. She loves the tackiness of the cruise ships. She's the kind of person that knows how to keep a secret. Okay, so everyone tells her everything and knows she won't tell anyone else. So she's very rarely involved in drama.
- [24:27]
Rachel Hampton
That's power, baby.
- [24:29]
Mira
But knows all the drama. And at the end of every contract, Josie keeps telling herself, this is the last one.
- [24:36]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [24:37]
Mira
One year goes by, two years go by.
- [24:41]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [24:42]
Mira
And now, somehow, it's been over eight years since Josie graduated, and she's been promoted to musical director. And she's really fucking good at it. She's the perfect mix of warm and uptight. Her performers feel safe with her, but they also know not to fuck around. She runs a tight ship, and she's been doing this long enough that not only does she get all the good contracts for the fancy ships.
- [25:09]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [25:10]
Mira
But because she's a musical director, she even gets her own room.
- [25:13]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This woman has been living for eight years at sea in a shared room?
- [25:23]
Mira
Yes. Remember, she's a theater kid. So our story starts at the beginning of a very special cruise that Josie is musically directing. It is an Arctic cruise. Do you know anything about Arctic cruises?
- [25:39]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God. I've seen those terrifying tiktoks where it's like a boat going through waves that seem to be the size of, like, the Empire State Building back.
- [25:52]
Mira
That's like, yo ho.
- [25:54]
Rachel Hampton
Yes.
- [25:56]
Mira
And beggars.
- [25:57]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, she's an artist. Yes. And those scare me. Also, you don't need to go to Antarctica. That's not a place people need to go. Like, I understand that. People are like, I want to see penguins. They have penguins at the zoo.
- [26:13]
Mira
Yeah. So important to know that Arctic cruises are also very expensive Cruises. Cruises over 20 days to Antarctica range from $18,000 to $45,000, according to National Geographic expeditions.com, which is a real website.
- [26:32]
Rachel Hampton
Wow. Ooh.
- [26:34]
Mira
The cheapest Arctic cruise costs $7,000. And the thing is, this is not a cheap cruise. This ship has six levels, and it has a special insulated engine that prevents it from freezing in cold water.
- [26:46]
Rachel Hampton
I don't like that. You're telling me that I don't like that at all. Mm. Continue.
- [26:50]
Mira
Josie's been on this cruise before. The last time, as they were making their way to Antarctica, a passenger had a heart attack, and someone yelled, is anyone a doctor? 100 people raised their hand. So they yelled a heart doctor. 30 people raised their hand. Whoa. So this is a cruise with the best tips.
- [27:12]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. It's giving rich.
- [27:14]
Mira
She's gonna be rich. She's excited not just for the tips and the Arctic Circle, but because her friend Mira will be on board this cruise.
- [27:23]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [27:23]
Mira
Josie and Mira have worked together before. Mira is a singer. She's still young enough to have the big dreams that Josie's kind of given up on.
- [27:31]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [27:32]
Mira
Meera has a boyfriend on land. He's in understudy in east side Story in Milwaukee. And Mera is positive that this man's gonna be her big break. But the thing about Meera is that she's actually a pretty good singer. And she's really stubborn like Josie and likes to be right. But the thing about Meera and Josie is they usually agree with each other, so they're right together, and that's what matters. It's two dumb bitches telling each other. Exactly.
- [28:02]
Rachel Hampton
So it's just our entire text thread.
- [28:04]
Mira
Exactly.
- [28:05]
Rachel Hampton
Exactly.
- [28:06]
Mira
Exactly. How are you feeling so far?
- [28:10]
Rachel Hampton
I'm feeling stressed, I would say is a primary emotion I'm feeling. I also think, you know, two stubborn people who are on the same team is very dangerous for everyone else. So that is a power position to have all the secrets and be the boss and to be a stubborn person. Duo.
- [28:30]
Mira
Those are some good observations. The day comes where it's time to board the cruise.
- [28:36]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [28:37]
Mira
And Josie texts Mira. Surprise. I've got a hot plate for you.
- [28:42]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [28:43]
Mira
This is a huge deal because anything that creates heat on a ship is contraband. Oh. Then the obvious forbidden items of fireworks, firearms, and swords, which is specified. There will be no swashbuckling here, Kelsey. Other things that are verboten other than swashbuckling are heating blankets, coffee makers, clothes, irons and steamers, candles, incense, hot water kettles, and hot plates. The performers can't even have fairy lights in their room.
- [29:17]
Rachel Hampton
No. Okay, so being cozy is forbidden.
- [29:20]
Mira
Yes.
- [29:21]
Rachel Hampton
And you must be wrinkly.
- [29:23]
Mira
Yes.
- [29:23]
Rachel Hampton
This scene is so bad. Like, you're going. Where are we going? The Arctic Circle.
- [29:28]
Mira
Antarctica.
- [29:29]
Rachel Hampton
Yes, we're going to Antarctica. Like, you can't. It's so cold there, you can't have a heating pad. No, I use my heating pad sometimes in my house when it's, like, 70 degrees.
- [29:39]
Mira
Oh, same, same. But the thing is, singers love hot plates and kettles. Okay. Not because they're pyromaniacs, to be clear.
- [29:49]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [29:49]
Mira
Because they allow you to do things like heat up water, steam your vocal cords, make tea in your room, more soup, keep Your voice healthy. And remember, the ship, huge. The crew cabins are kind of far from the mess hall. And oh no, sometimes at the end of a 11 month contract, you want to make ramen in your room and not put on pants.
- [30:10]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. I also imagine if you are singing consistently on a cruise ship, you're going to want to have like a nice little, you know, warm water with lemon as a treat.
- [30:23]
Mira
Exactly.
- [30:24]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, so the hot plate is a big deal.
- [30:27]
Mira
It's a big deal. It's highly forbidden, incredibly in demand, which of course means they're extremely difficult to smuggle on board. Security knows what the crew is up to, which means that if you succeed, you're basically a God. So obviously normal gossip doesn't condone crimes.
- [30:47]
Rachel Hampton
Is that obvious?
- [30:48]
Mira
Not yet.
- [30:49]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, sorry, sorry, continue.
- [30:52]
Mira
But if you were to try to smuggle a highly forbidden item onto a cruise where your baggage is scanned, how would you do it?
- [30:59]
Rachel Hampton
Do I have to go through a metal detector?
- [31:00]
Mira
Yes.
- [31:01]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, so I need to go through a metal detector. My bag is gonna be scanned. Um, ooh. I think maybe if it's going through a metal detector, you have a problem. Right. Because the hot plate is mostly metal, so it's going to set off the little dinghy thing no matter what.
- [31:19]
Mira
Correct.
- [31:20]
Rachel Hampton
So that means that you need the hot plate to go through security in something that's not going to go through the metal detector thing.
- [31:27]
Mira
Correct.
- [31:28]
Rachel Hampton
So could I, like, buy a bag for all of the film cameras that I have and put it on the bottom of that? That's what I would do and be like, this is my bag for film. It can't go in there, It'll become ruined.
- [31:40]
Mira
That's really smart.
- [31:41]
Rachel Hampton
Thank you.
- [31:42]
Mira
Josie didn't think of this. And Josie has also tried to do this before.
- [31:46]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh.
- [31:48]
Mira
But every time she tries to smuggle something on board, it never quite works.
- [31:52]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [31:53]
Mira
The last cruise she managed to get a kettle on board, but the little heating plate got found. So she just had a useless kettle in her room for the entire crew staring back at her, reminding her of her failure.
- [32:04]
Rachel Hampton
That's terrible.
- [32:06]
Mira
But this time, Josie has a secret weapon.
- [32:09]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh.
- [32:10]
Mira
Josie knows everyone, including the AV guys.
- [32:15]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh. Oh, hell yeah.
- [32:17]
Mira
Who are expected to be carrying metal equipment such as speakers and microphones and perhaps a deconstructed hot plate.
- [32:26]
Rachel Hampton
Uh huh, uh huh. AV guys. Also, in my experience, stoners and are bribable. So this is seeming like a good situation to me. Okay, continue.
- [32:39]
Mira
Yeah. On the last cruise, Josie helped the head AV guide, Tim Through a really rough breakup. Because every breakup at sea is very rough.
- [32:48]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [32:50]
Mira
Tim was dating a guy at the meat carving station who, to be fair, was really hot. His arms were really toned from carving meat, and they were covered in beautiful Americana tattoos of mermaids and sirens. But what this meant was that when he and Tim broke up, that Josie was basically forced into being a vegetarian for the last two months of the cruise. Cause she could no longer go to the meat carving station. So Tim owes her.
- [33:14]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. Okay.
- [33:16]
Mira
He agrees to smuggle in a hot plate and covertly deliver it to her room. We are bartering, goods and services, therapy in exchange for minor crimes. This is the future liberals want.
- [33:27]
Rachel Hampton
Hell yeah. Solidarity within community.
- [33:30]
Mira
Exactly. Do you see anything wrong with this plan?
- [33:34]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, unfortunately, not really. Which seems like a big flaw, right? Like, I'm. It does seem like a fair trade to me to be like, you're going to smuggle this hot plate on, and in exchange, I've already done labor for you. The only thing I can think about is that since Josie is, like, keeper of secrets, this is now a secret that Tim has, which is ammo.
- [33:54]
Mira
So Josie, she's like, it's worth it for this hot plate to change my life. She gets to her room on board, she's like, sweating bullets. On her way through security. She's chatting with the security guys, like, yeah, nice to see you. I had a good break.
- [34:11]
Rachel Hampton
Bye.
- [34:12]
Mira
So she gets to her room on board, she's sweating bullets on her way through security, she gets to her room, she's going through the drawer. She's searching under the duvet. She can't find the hot plate. And she's like, have I failed yet again? Has Tim failed me? Did I provide free therapy for nothing?
- [34:31]
Rachel Hampton
Tim, please.
- [34:32]
Mira
But then she looks in the closet, and there on a high shelf is the hot plate.
- [34:38]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God.
- [34:40]
Mira
Josie's like, wow, Tim did a great job hiding this. She's basking in the glow of her victory, her first successful hell yeah. When Tim knocks on her door and he's like, here's your hot plate. Josie's like, what?
- [34:56]
Rachel Hampton
No, no, no, no, no. The right answer here is to be like, thank you so much. And then you close the door.
- [35:03]
Mira
So something I forgot to mention is that when you board a ship as a performer, you go into the cabin of the person who had the role before you. So if you're the musical director, you go into the cabin of the last cast musical director. And standard cruise practice is that anything left behind is yours to keep or give away. So that means the previous musical director on this ship, rather than try to de. Smuggle a hot plate, left theirs behind, which means Josie now has two. Famously, there's not a lot of space in cruise rooms, even though Josie has her own. And Josie doesn't want to keep both, which is how she comes to text her friend Meera that she has a hot plate to share. Mira responds, sexed.
- [35:46]
Rachel Hampton
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She's just gonna give her the hot plate?
- [35:49]
Mira
That's the question I have for you. Do you give away your hot plate for free?
- [35:54]
Rachel Hampton
No. This is a bartering economy. You've got to be bartering like you don't need money for it. But, like, what does Mira have that you could have?
- [36:02]
Mira
Exactly. Josie is also smart. She knows it's about to be a long contract. And Josie also knows something important about Mira, which is that Mira somehow always manages to smuggle edibles onto the ship. Oh, and crew aren't allowed to drink while they're on the job. They're random breathalyzers while you're working. And technically, there are random drug tests, but Josie and Mira know that they're pretty rare. They really only happen if, like, security is suspicious.
- [36:30]
Rachel Hampton
Everything I'm learning about working on a cruise is making me less happy about it. Like, you don't get to drink. They can drug test you at any moment. Like, it sounds like the whole cruise ship is actually sea jail.
- [36:41]
Mira
Floating prison. So Josie would like some edibles to get her through this experience. Yeah, and she also knows that Mira could really use a hot plate because she's a singer.
- [36:51]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [36:53]
Mira
And the thing is, Mira can be a bit of a diva. No, it's because she cares. She wants to be in Kinky Boots. This is just a stepping stone to something bigger. But Josie's been around the block enough to know that Mira's never gonna be in Kinky Boots. Yeah, she doesn't want to crush Mira's dreams, and she wants Mira to feel valued as a performer, because for a cruise singer, Mira is pretty talented. So this trait is also a bit of an ego boost for Mira. Star treatment. Protect your precious voice queen.
- [37:25]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, being the talent.
- [37:27]
Mira
Exactly. Exactly.
- [37:28]
Rachel Hampton
It also seems like Josie is doing a little bit of, like, I see so much of myself in you. Parentheses. Derogatory. Right.
- [37:36]
Mira
Exactly. Exactly. So the trade is done. Mira rich in hot water and ramen, Josie rich in edibles. And the crew sets off. Vibe check. Kelsey, how are you feeling so far? Do you foresee any problems right now?
- [37:50]
Rachel Hampton
To be honest, I'm feeling pretty Good. Two people have hot plates, which is way more than we thought. We're gonna have hot plates. Um, I seem to have a very solid ally in Tim, the AV guy. I'm okay for now, but I'm still worried about us being on a boat that is concerning to me. I'm not a very good swimmer.
- [38:07]
Mira
Same. I'm worried I cannot swim at all, so we would not be in this situation. Luckily, Mira and Josie can swim. Neither of them go overboard.
- [38:15]
Rachel Hampton
Okay. Lucky. Great.
- [38:17]
Mira
Eight months pass. Okay, at this point, it's technically month 10 of the contract, right? So everyone is sick of each other. Everyone's already fucked each other, broken up, gotten back together, and broken up again. Mira ran out of edibles at the end of the fourth month at 6.
- [38:36]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, that's bad pacing.
- [38:39]
Mira
Josie managed to make hers last through month six, but now it's month eight. Tensions are high, enemies have formed, vibes are not good, everyone wants to go home, and everyone is holding on by a threat. Josie has seen this happen before and is at the point where she's spending most of her time in her room. But that doesn't protect her from the slow descent into chaos or from Mira's ego being inflated by rich and drunk passengers.
- [39:08]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no. Every heart doctor on this boat is like, you're the best singer I've ever heard. Because they've been stuck in, like, school for 25 years and they haven't seen a Broadway play.
- [39:20]
Mira
Exactly. Josie's trying to walk a fine line of praising Mira and keeping her humble, but Mira does not make this easy. Sure, Mira keeps opting up in songs without telling the pianist.
- [39:33]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [39:34]
Mira
At the end of every show, Mira just stays on stage a little too long. Sometimes Mira has one of her friends from the kitchen throw flowers at her after her solo.
- [39:44]
Rachel Hampton
What?
- [39:45]
Mira
Which always goes on for 30 seconds too long. Mira has put a decal on her door that says angel of Music.
- [39:52]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, this is like, oh, I like, this girl's making me crazy. Like, I don't know her. But I. Something I truly cannot tolerate is people who act like they're hot shit when they're still in a really small pond. Like, I'm like, be aware of your surroundings. Like, know that you are. Yeah, you're the hottest girl on the cruise ship. But we are in international waters. There's a whole coast of people trying to have your job. Like, oh, my God, my man.
- [40:24]
Mira
And the thing is, Mirror always wants to talk with Josie after every show through what she calls feedback. But is basically a demand for new compliments and highly specific praise from Josie.
- [40:37]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [40:38]
Mira
And when Josie's compliments are too similar, Mira gets despondent and spends the next performance on the verge of tears.
- [40:46]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [40:48]
Mira
So our girl Josie, tired?
- [40:50]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, she's exhausted.
- [40:53]
Mira
She's exhausted. Luckily for her, they have one more journey to the Arctic on this contract and then they're free. Okay, so they've just finished docking in Santiago when Tim, the AV guy, knocks on Josie's door. He has an illicit trade. He's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how.
- [41:13]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh.
- [41:14]
Mira
Xanax is a very hot commodity among the crew because they get health insurance through the boat. It's almost never prescribed unless absolutely necessary. And unfortunately, eight months of Mira does not count as a medical condition in the eyes of the staff doctors. So Tim's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how. Don't tell anyone. I'm not trading with everyone. I specifically want a hot plate. And I know you have one. This is an exclusive opportunity for you. Ooh. Josie's like, why do you want a hot plate? Now we only have a month left, and Tim gets a little shy before finally telling her that he started dating one of the bartenders and she really wants a hot plate and Tim wants to impress her. So do you help Tim slash yourself? Do you trade the hot plate?
- [42:03]
Rachel Hampton
Oof. This is a hard one. Because one, I've been led to believe that relationships on this beautiful ship are short lived and filled with animosity. So I would be more happy to trade Tim himself the hot plate for Xanax than I am to give it to a bartender. Right. Like, I'm like, mm. What I don't want is for my hot plate to just be gone. In theory, I would like to be able to get my hot plate back in the future with another illicit trade. I don't love it. Yeah, but Mira sounds really fucking annoying.
- [42:36]
Mira
Yeah. Josie likes the idea of this trade. She wants to keep her hot plate because it allows her to avoid her co workers and stay in her room.
- [42:43]
Rachel Hampton
Right.
- [42:44]
Mira
But the benefit of drugs is that they allow her to avoid her co workers and stay in her room.
- [42:48]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. Yeah. Both great points.
- [42:51]
Mira
So Josie's like, wait a minute. I have a brilliant idea. I'll trade my extra hot plate.
- [42:57]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no. Oh, my God. I don't. No. This is not gonna go well.
- [43:03]
Mira
So Josie texts Mira, I'm so sorry to do this. I need my spare hot plate back. My Current one literally just kinda exploded.
- [43:14]
Rachel Hampton
Oh my God, I can't. Oh, this is such a bad idea. This is so bad. Like, that hot plate is not coming back, girl. Like, you traded it for something. The edibles are gone, so you need to trade her something else to get the hot plate back.
- [43:28]
Mira
Exactly. But the thing is, Mira texts her back and she's like, sure, do you need it now? Josie responds, no, I'll get it later. And Josie's like, success. I'm getting my hot plate back. But the thing is, Mira doesn't want to give the hot plate back. And that becomes abundantly obvious because Mira starts avoiding Josie.
- [44:00]
Rachel Hampton
Huge news. I wrote a whole book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called you didn't hear this from me and I'm so, so proud of it. It's about how we use gossip. It's about Britney Spears and West Elm, Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso and it's so, so fun. And I think it's really good. It comes out February 11th in hardback and a sexy audio book, which I read. You can buy it wherever you get books. You can go to KelseyMcKinybook.com to see all the retailers where you could possibly buy a book from and to buy tickets for the upcoming book tour, which will be really fun and really exciting. That's Kelsey McKinney book.com Listen, the holidays are coming up really fast. It's totally okay if you didn't get all your holiday shopping done as early as you hoped because Ouai is making it easier to give way better gifts this holiday. Their hair and body products are specifically designed to customize a routine that works for you and personalize a gift for everyone on your list. I love Ouai products. I use their clarifying shampoo all the time and it makes my hair so smooth and soft. I'm obsessed with their like sugar body scrub. Just like makes my skin incredible. It makes you feel soft and happy and so, so, so clean. Also, you know, it's winter now in the northern hemisphere and winter is very drying. I'm loving the leave in conditioner which detangles and hydrates and fights all the frizz that shows up in my hair the minute I have to put a coat on. Tis the season to get away and save. Save 15% off site wide when you give the gift of way get on your way to save for the holiday. Go to T h e o u a I dot com for 15% off site wide and enter promo code gossip. That's t h e o u a I dot com For 15% off with code gossip there is like no better feeling than giving someone a gift they wouldn't necessarily get for themselves. Something they've like never thought they want. Wanted a little bit of luxury that they don't know they're missing. And it's like the perfect time of year to be shopping for other people, which is my favorite kind of shopping because it's more exciting for quality gifts at affordable prices. My go to is quince. Quince lets you treat your loved ones and yourself to everyday luxury at an affordable price. Something everyone needs in their closet in my opinion is Quint's iconic Mongolian cashmere sweaters which start at $50. I also have a very exciting cashmere throw blanket which everyone is obsessed with. Everyone who comes to my house is like, oh my God, it's soft. So congratulations to all my friends on their Christmas gifts. If you're looking for ultimate year round gifts, they have 14k gold jewelry, Italian leather handbags and European linen sheet sets. Ooh. Whatever you're looking for. All Quint Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They use premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece. Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quint.com gossip for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's q u n c.com gossip to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com gossip.
- [47:24]
Mira
Things start to get messy. Josie starts texting Mera every day. Hey, can you bring me my hot plate? Hey, I'm here for the hot plate. Hey, do you see yourself giving me my hot plate back? Uh oh. Mira's responses are always like, sorry, not in my room. Whoops, fell asleep. Could Mira just explain why she wants to keep the hot plate? Yes, but the thing is, Meera's 23, she's conflict avoidant. And she's just as stubbor as Josie.
- [47:55]
Rachel Hampton
Yes. And she's the star.
- [47:56]
Mira
And she's the star. One day Josie gets tired of the runaround and Tim the AV guy gives her a two day warning. He knows Meera also has a hot plate.
- [48:06]
Rachel Hampton
Uh oh.
- [48:07]
Mira
He also knows Mira likes drugs.
- [48:10]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [48:10]
Mira
And he doesn't particularly care whose hot plate he gets. He texts Josie like, listen, I can just trade with Mira.
- [48:18]
Rachel Hampton
Uh oh.
- [48:19]
Mira
Josie obviously doesn't want that. And she can't explain to Mira why she wants the hot plate so bad because then Mira will get the Xana. And remember, Josie's been dealing with a bunch of 20 year old theater kids for almost a year now on a tin can of recycled air. She is so fucking tired of hearing about kinky boots, of managing egos that have been inflated by the praise of rich and drunk cruise ship passengers. She is tired of arriving at a new port and hearing the loud, loud horns announcing the boat has arrived. Our girl needs a break so she doesn't lose it. So finally one day, Josie just goes to Mira's room. Mira's leaving for lunch. Josie asks for her hot plate back again. And Mira's adamant that it's hers. Do you remember exactly what Josie told Mira about the hot plate? If it was a low in her gift situation?
- [49:09]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh, no. I can barely remember if it was like a trade or if it was a gift. My instinct is that with someone like Mira, it doesn't matter. And that kind of in all situations like this, like, everyone's memory isn't. Like your memory isn't a video recorder. You can't like, be like, run the fucking tapes back. Like, this isn't reality television. So like you have to kind of go off what each person remembers, which means you're gonna have a different version of events.
- [49:39]
Mira
Well, luckily they do have some receipts, AKA text.
- [49:44]
Rachel Hampton
Ooh.
- [49:45]
Mira
So the two of them pull up their phones. Remember, it's been eight months. Apple hasn't introduced the search function for text messages yet. So it's just a lot of scrolling, intense silence.
- [49:58]
Rachel Hampton
You're scrolling past a lot of messages that are like, gonna be five minutes late.
- [50:02]
Mira
Where's my hot plate? Yeah, so they're scrolling, it's silent, it's tense. But then finally they find the text. The exact text read, surprise. I've got a hot plate to give you.
- [50:19]
Rachel Hampton
Uh huh.
- [50:20]
Mira
So Josie clearly used the word give. And the thing is, now Josie's really pissed because she's also embarrassed.
- [50:30]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [50:30]
Mira
And she's also looking at that fucking angel of Music decal on Mira's door. And something inside her just snapshot. And she starts to squeeze by, like she's gonna go into Mira's cabin. And Mira blocks the door and is like, what the fuck? Yeah, she's like, I'm late for lunch. We can talk about this later. But it is my hot plate. Mira shuts the door, walks away, leaving Josie standing there looking at the angel of Music.
- [51:00]
Rachel Hampton
Oh no.
- [51:01]
Mira
And at this point, Josie actually doesn't care that much about the Xanax. Like it'd be nice to have, but her need to be right is driving her and insane, along with 10 months of repressed irritation. It's giving like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.
- [51:19]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, no, it is that kind of like stubborn, you know, two bulls running at each other problem. And like, I don't know, I saw this coming. I saw it coming. You can't. You can't be reasonable. If both of you are stubborn, you're in trouble.
- [51:35]
Mira
Have you ever been in a situation like this where it's not actually about like the hot plated hand, but about just like something bigger, it's all building towards something and you start hyper focusing on something?
- [51:46]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, I have a little sister. It's like the entire process of having a sister is being like, well, actually, I stole these jeans because of, you know, something you said to me eight years ago that has haunted me in my sleep. And I hope it makes you cry. Right, like.
- [52:03]
Mira
Exactly. And at this point, Josie is basically like, call me fucking Ishmael. Like, she is possessed by the need to get the hot plate. She is contemplating a heist. She's gonna oceans 11 this hot plate. She's creating a plan. She is ski.
- [52:20]
Rachel Hampton
Meaning she's like, tempting blueprints of the ship.
- [52:22]
Mira
Right, exactly. But in the middle of her scheming, Josie gets called into the office of the ship's captains. No. And because the ship is so big, there are five of them.
- [52:32]
Rachel Hampton
Five captains.
- [52:35]
Mira
One of them is known by the staff as Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow because no one's ever seen him sober.
- [52:43]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, okay. Triangle of sadness.
- [52:46]
Mira
It's Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow who tells Josie, hey, the drinks we're going to be serving at tonight's performance will be doubles. People are going to be rowdy. It needs to be a good show. Josie's like, okay, first of all, it's always a good show. Fuck you.
- [53:00]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [53:01]
Mira
Second of all, what's going on? And Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow was like, it's none of your business.
- [53:07]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, absolutely not. It's none of my business. You brought me in here, you're gonna give me a drunk rowdy crowd. You made it my business. You could have just served doubles and not told me.
- [53:17]
Mira
Josie rolls her eyes. She's used to this. She does some recon of her own before the dinnertime show and finds out from some of the navigational crew that the ship is heading into some strong arctic wind.
- [53:29]
Rachel Hampton
No, no, no. I just remembered that you said the word Titanic twice at the top of this episode. And now I'm filled with terror.
- [53:38]
Mira
Okay, so Josie's experienced this before, so she's not that worried. Kelsey, are you worried?
- [53:43]
Rachel Hampton
I'm so Stressed. I'm like, super stressed. Literally, the only thing I can think of that's positive here is that probably you die pretty fast because, like, the water is deep and cold. That's. No, absolutely not. I also am like, you have a bunch of professional doctors, like, people with a lot of money on this ship. So, like, they are not gonna behave well in an emergency.
- [54:06]
Mira
No. They don't take instruction well.
- [54:08]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [54:10]
Mira
And the thing is, every single year, a bunch of passengers get on board and they ask if there's a chance of a Titanic, like, event happening. And Josie has to be like, no, the Titanic happened because of a series of human errors, not the ship being bad. Also, it's been a hundred years. Get a new reference.
- [54:27]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [54:28]
Mira
These questions only intensify when there's Arctic wind. So Josie actually doesn't mind everyone being drunk at the show. In fact, it makes her life easier. And tips are better.
- [54:38]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [54:39]
Mira
And the thing is, that night show actually goes fine. Like, the storm's not as bad as expected. It's like a little rocky, but everyone's too drunk to notice. It's like when the pilot of the airplane is like, there'll be turbulence. And then it's like, just a little bit and you're like, oh, nice. Again, everyone's too drunk to notice, but not Josie, who's painfully sober and who is noticing that Mira is acting really fucking squirrely. She's keeping her room key in her bra. She's whispering with her little 20something friends. Her solos are longer than ever.
- [55:15]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God.
- [55:17]
Mira
Josie's had enough.
- [55:18]
Rachel Hampton
Get this Mariah Carey wannabe off this fucking stage.
- [55:21]
Mira
It's giving glitter.
- [55:22]
Rachel Hampton
It's giving glitter.
- [55:25]
Mira
So the next day, the storm dies down, and around noon, there's an announcement over the intercom. They've reached the Antarctica passport point.
- [55:33]
Rachel Hampton
What?
- [55:34]
Mira
This is where passengers get off the ship to get their passport stamped to show they've been to Antarctica. Which is a big reason why people go on these cruises. There are some really cute science buildings. I do support scientific research in Antarctica, but that's it. There are also penguins.
- [55:48]
Rachel Hampton
Okay. Okay.
- [55:49]
Mira
All of the passengers get off the ship to go look around, and a lot of the crew does, too, because this is the last Arctic disembarkment of the contract.
- [55:58]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, okay.
- [55:59]
Mira
A lot of the performers who usually just skip this are like, it's my last time to do this. I should do this. It's like seeing the Eiffel Tower on your last day in Paris. You're just like, let me do this thing.
- [56:10]
Rachel Hampton
Let Me just say goodbye to the penguins?
- [56:11]
Mira
Yeah, exactly. Josie's been there, done that. She spots Mira leaving with her huge Canada Goose jacket.
- [56:18]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God.
- [56:19]
Mira
And she's like, heist time, baby.
- [56:22]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God.
- [56:23]
Mira
If you were to try to pull off a heist at high sea, how would you do it?
- [56:29]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, so the boat is docked.
- [56:32]
Mira
Yes.
- [56:32]
Rachel Hampton
Most of the crew is off the ship because they are on a journey to get their passport stamped to sea penguins.
- [56:40]
Mira
Yes.
- [56:41]
Rachel Hampton
And I need to get into Mira's room. Mira's key is in her bra, so I can't pickpocket it from her. Unless. Yes. I'm willing to do some truly deranged things.
- [56:51]
Mira
And you're her boss and I'm her boss.
- [56:53]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah, that's important. I forgot that other people have room keys. In general, I assume janitors would have, like, some kind of universal key and janitors. It feels like at this point you might be friends with one. So you could maybe just gab it up and lift those keys. I think that is my move. I'm stealing someone's keys.
- [57:13]
Mira
That's a good plan. Josie also has a plan. And she knows Mira's been really anal about keeping her keys on her person, but she also knows Mira's roommate. And the thing about Mira's roommate is that they're really sweet, but they're a little forgetful. They're always leaving their keys in random spots. Like, one time, they were found in the staff fridge.
- [57:35]
Rachel Hampton
What?
- [57:36]
Mira
But what that means is that this roommate has learned to keep a spare key hidden in the crew mess hall.
- [57:42]
Rachel Hampton
Aha.
- [57:43]
Mira
So all Josie has to do is find it. She's rifling through drawers, opening cabinets, looking out windows to see how long she has when she hears yelling.
- [57:55]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no.
- [57:56]
Mira
Josie runs out onto one of the decks to see what's going on and sees some of the crew running off the ship.
- [58:02]
Rachel Hampton
Uh, no, no, no.
- [58:04]
Mira
She thinks that's not good.
- [58:06]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah. Yes.
- [58:09]
Mira
Turns out a massive Arctic wind is heading towards them. Now, again, Josie's experience, she's seen this shit, but she hasn't seen this particular shit. They've never had to bring the guests back on board. So Josie immediately forgets her heist. She might be experiencing hot plate derangement, but she is a professional.
- [58:30]
Rachel Hampton
Right. And also, I imagine you do not want to be outside for Arctic wind.
- [58:36]
Mira
Correct.
- [58:37]
Rachel Hampton
That seems awful.
- [58:38]
Mira
Yes. So she starts helping direct passengers back onto the boat.
- [58:42]
Rachel Hampton
Okay.
- [58:43]
Mira
She's keeping calm, but internally, she's freaking out a bit.
- [58:46]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [58:47]
Mira
And for good reason. Because as soon as they manage to get all the passengers back onto the boat, they're hit by the strongest Arctic wind Josie has ever experienced.
- [58:56]
Rachel Hampton
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [58:58]
Mira
The ship is rocking. Remember it's six level A. Imagine a six story building being knocked around by gill force. No. The wind is bringing ice. No. It just keeps going and going. It's been blowing for over 15 minutes. When Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow makes an announcement over the intercom.
- [59:18]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [59:19]
Mira
And this is when Josie starts getting really scared because for the first time since Josie met him, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow sounds sober.
- [59:29]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [59:35]
Mira
He announces that the special insulated engine had to go into overdrive to keep the ship in place while they're being blown around.
- [59:43]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, Jesus.
- [59:44]
Mira
Because it's such a special state of the art anti Arctic insulated engine, it completely overheated and had to be shut down before got on fire and exploded the ship.
- [59:55]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, perfect. Great. You know what? I think it's time to deboard. The scientists seem like they probably have a nice little house that is not on the water. And I'm going to be going there and I'm going to be saying hello, thank you so much for your service to the national sciences. Please, can I come in?
- [60:12]
Mira
So the crew manages to shut down the engine before it explodes. So exploding cruise ship crisis averted. But the Arctic wind is still blowing. And now it's blowing the ship towards an ice. Iceberg.
- [60:27]
Rachel Hampton
No.
- [60:28]
Mira
To prepare to sink, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow asked everyone to go to the top level of the ship.
- [60:35]
Rachel Hampton
Oh my God.
- [60:36]
Mira
Josie makes her way up. She's climbing the last flight of stairs when she hears something other than the panic chatter of the guests, who are of course talking about the fucking Titanic. The entire crew was freaking out while also saying, it's not the fucking Titanic. As Josie finally makes it up to the top deck, she hears music. No, specifically singing.
- [61:04]
Rachel Hampton
Come on.
- [61:04]
Mira
It's a little pitchy. Which can mean only one thing. Mira. On the top level of the ship, Mira is holding a one woman show. She is the star of Iceberg the musical.
- [61:18]
Rachel Hampton
She go down with this shit.
- [61:21]
Mira
My heart will go on.
- [61:23]
Rachel Hampton
My gosh.
- [61:25]
Mira
Just absolutely belting. What do you do?
- [61:30]
Rachel Hampton
Well, death is imminent, so Mira is no longer my problem. The doctors are no longer my problem. I'm going to wherever Captain Jack Sparrow is because I believe that he probably has a separate lifeboat for him.
- [61:46]
Mira
Yeah.
- [61:47]
Rachel Hampton
And I'll be there. I'm not doing any of this shit.
- [61:51]
Mira
Yeah, yeah. The entire crew is Trying to get her to shut the fuck up. The guests are really confused and scared. Mirror has this like beatific expression of Mother Teresa as she transitions into Nearer my God, to Thee.
- [62:07]
Rachel Hampton
Oh my God.
- [62:09]
Mira
It is so clear that she thinks she's saving the day. And Josie is just silently promising herself that she is never going on another fucking cruise ever again.
- [62:20]
Rachel Hampton
Uh huh.
- [62:21]
Mira
Just then, the ship makes contact with the iceberg.
- [62:24]
Rachel Hampton
No, no.
- [62:25]
Mira
Everyone screams.
- [62:27]
Rachel Hampton
Yes.
- [62:28]
Mira
Mira actually stops singing for a moment.
- [62:31]
Rachel Hampton
Okay, okay.
- [62:32]
Mira
Josie's looking at the ice floes around them, trying to figure out which one of them looks the most stable.
- [62:39]
Rachel Hampton
Oh my God.
- [62:39]
Mira
Just in case.
- [62:40]
Rachel Hampton
Absolutely not.
- [62:41]
Mira
But then the engine turns back on.
- [62:44]
Rachel Hampton
Oh.
- [62:45]
Mira
The captains manage to swerve away from everyone's cheering. As it gets further away, Mira opens her mouth to begin singing again. And Josie briefly considers tackling her.
- [62:57]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [62:58]
Mira
But luckily they're interrupted. Over the intercom, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow announces that while they avoided a full collision with the iceberg, the engine was damaged from nearly overheating and needs to be serviced.
- [63:12]
Rachel Hampton
Perfect. Perfect. This is like when you're on a plane and they're and you pull up from the gate and then they're like, I'm so sorry, y'all, we're gonna have to go back to the gate. It's like, no, no, no, just take off.
- [63:23]
Mira
Like we're almost at the end of the story. How are you feeling? Whose side are you on?
- [63:29]
Rachel Hampton
My body hurts. I feel really stressed. Everyone is a nightmare on this ship, including this ship. I guess I'm on Tim's side. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. And he seems really good at smuggling stuff, which to me is a benefit in a person. I don't think I can be on Mira or Josie's side at this point because I'm like, you're both making me crazy.
- [63:59]
Mira
That's really fair. The ship manages to make it back to Santiago without any extra shit happening. And the engine is serviced.
- [64:08]
Rachel Hampton
Oh my God.
- [64:10]
Mira
The company doesn't even refund any of the passengers. Instead they get comped a few extra days in Santiago. Having had a near death experience, Josie no longer feels like beefing with a 23 year old. Instead, she goes to Tim and says, here's some money. Buy me Xanax in Santiago.
- [64:27]
Rachel Hampton
Nice.
- [64:30]
Mira
She makes it back stateside safely, sedated. And Mira never asked her why she stopped asking for the hot plate. Because Mira's been distracted.
- [64:42]
Rachel Hampton
Oh no.
- [64:42]
Mira
Among the many doctors on this cruise. Oh no was the owner of a cabaret in Topeka. No. Who Loved Mira's performance.
- [64:53]
Rachel Hampton
Oh.
- [64:54]
Mira
To build a Titanic themed show around her.
- [64:57]
Rachel Hampton
Oh, my God.
- [64:59]
Mira
Josie sufficiently zanned out that she's happy for Mira.
- [65:03]
Rachel Hampton
I'm so happy for her.
- [65:04]
Mira
Josie has also recognized that she was perhaps driven a little mad by eight years at sea.
- [65:09]
Rachel Hampton
Yeah.
- [65:10]
Mira
The hot plate became her white whale.
- [65:13]
Rachel Hampton
Aw.
- [65:14]
Mira
My final update for you is that Josie actually followed through this time and does not renew her cruise contract.
- [65:20]
Rachel Hampton
Wow.
- [65:21]
Mira
After a few months on land, she accepts a job at Disney World and never gets on a cruise ever again.
- [65:27]
Rachel Hampton
Wow. I'm so happy for her. You know what? Actually everyone kind of got what they wanted in this story. Tim got money. Josie stopped being on a cruise, which is hell, and entered a different kind of cruise, which is Disney World. And Mira gets to be the star. Exactly. She will be the biggest star in Topeka. I believe in her same.
- [65:48]
Mira
That's the story, Kelsey. That's the gospel. How do you feel?
- [65:53]
Rachel Hampton
I feel great. I'm so proud of you. This was so good. I loved it. Very, very stressful inside my body. I will not be getting on a cruise anytime soon. This podcast was hosted by Rachel Hampton. It was produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks, Alex Sujang Laughlin and J. Tolviera. The co creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alex Sujong, Laughlin and Kelsey McKinnon. Justin Ellis is Defector's project editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Coon are Defectors business guys. Alex Sujan Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Blay is our editor in chief. Abigail Seagull is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store which you can find at Normal Gossip store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, Sabrina Imbler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, Heather Chin, Ray Ratto, David Roth, Catherine Hsu, Jasper Wang, Israel Daramola and Patrick Redford for all of your help on this season. And thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company and Normal Gossip is a proud member of radiotopia. I'm Kelsey McKinney and remember you did not hear this from me. Radiotopia from prx.