In her new memoir, Hala Alyan searches for home amid a family history of exile

Summary

NPR's Book of the Day: "I'll Tell You When I'm Home" by Hala Alyan

Release Date: July 22, 2025

In this compelling episode of NPR's Book of the Day, host Leila Fadel delves into Hala Alyan's poignant memoir, "I'll Tell You When I'm Home." Alyan, a renowned writer and psychologist, intertwines her personal journey with her family's tumultuous history of exile, offering listeners a deeply moving exploration of home, identity, and the profound longing for motherhood.

Exploring a Legacy of Exile

Hala Alyan opens the memoir by tracing her Palestinian ancestors' experiences of displacement and forced exile. From Gaza to Kuwait and Lebanon, Alyan paints a vivid picture of a family repeatedly uprooted by war and conflict. This historical backdrop sets the stage for her personal narrative, highlighting how the search for a permanent home has shaped her identity and aspirations.

Hala Alyan [02:10]: "I felt like my life was untenable as it was... I just could not separate what was happening in my life with what was happening in these places that I belong to and that I came from."

The Struggle with Infertility

A significant portion of Alyan's memoir centers on her arduous journey towards parenthood. Despite her deep-seated desire to become a mother, Alyan faces the harsh reality of infertility, marked by multiple miscarriages that test her resilience and emotional strength. Her candid discussions reveal the often-overlooked emotional turmoil that accompanies fertility struggles.

Hala Alyan [02:15]: "I had been sleepwalking for several years... I was longing for an experience that I wasn't sure was going to come."

The Decision to Pursue Surrogacy

After enduring the heartbreaking loss of a pregnancy where she could hear the baby's heartbeat, Alyan makes a transformative decision to pursue surrogacy. This choice, made in a moment of vulnerability and desperation, signifies a pivotal shift in her journey towards motherhood. She reflects on the complexities and emotions involved in entrusting another person with the miracle of creating life.

Hala Alyan [03:35]: "I just wrote to the surrogacy agency and was like, I'm ready to go."

Motherhood as a Sense of Home

Alyan eloquently describes motherhood as a profound sense of home, contrasting it with her family's history of displacement. While she yearns for this feeling of belonging, she acknowledges that the act of wanting alone does not guarantee fulfillment. Her reflections underscore the delicate balance between desire and reality in the pursuit of happiness.

Hala Alyan [05:17]: "Motherhood has felt very much like a kind of home for me. Wanting something is not a guarantee that you'll enjoy it or you'll love it."

The Birth of Layla Hale Alyan

The memoir culminates with the birth of Alyan's daughter, Layla Hale Alyan. Alyan shares the unanticipated beauty of this moment, emphasizing the authenticity and raw emotion that accompanies the arrival of her child. This experience reinforces her belief in embracing life's unpredictability and the spontaneous joy it can bring.

Hala Alyan [05:58]: "Nothing is more beautiful than to show up to your life unrehearsed. And that's exactly what that moment was."

Reflections on Motherhood and Trust

Three years into her journey as a solo parent, Alyan describes herself as a "laid back" and "calm" mother. She credits her decision to pursue surrogacy with fostering a deep sense of trust in herself and the world around her. This newfound trust has not only shaped her parenting style but also enriched her personal growth.

Hala Alyan [07:38]: "When you pursue something like surrogacy, there is maybe no greater act than trust... I feel more trusting now of the world than I did before her."

A Thought-Provoking Conclusion

Alyan concludes her memoir with a heartfelt passage addressed to her daughter, Layla, encapsulating her hopes and wisdom. She emphasizes the importance of embracing love and truth, urging Layla to cherish her heritage while forging her own path.

Hala Alyan [06:38]: "Don't exile anything. Turn the sun of your attention briefly, sometimes briefly on all that awakens your love. This is your birthright, Layla."

Final Thoughts

Hala Alyan's "I'll Tell You When I'm Home" is a profound narrative that seamlessly blends personal struggle with a broader historical context. Through her honest and evocative storytelling, Alyan invites readers to reflect on the complexities of home, identity, and the transformative journey of motherhood. This memoir not only sheds light on the pain and perseverance inherent in the search for family but also celebrates the unexpected joys that arise when one least expects them.

For those seeking a deeply moving and introspective read, Hala Alyan's memoir is a testament to resilience, love, and the uncharted paths that lead us home.

Notable Quotes:

• Hala Alyan [02:10]: "I felt like my life was untenable as it was... I just could not separate what was happening in my life with what was happening in these places that I belong to and that I came from."

• Hala Alyan [05:58]: "Nothing is more beautiful than to show up to your life unrehearsed. And that's exactly what that moment was."

• Hala Alyan [07:38]: "I feel more trusting now of the world than I did before her."

Transcript

[Andrew Limbaugh]

Hey, it's NPR's Book of the Day. I'm Andrew Limbaugh. I'm in my mid-30s, and there's this bleak joke among friends my age who have had or are maybe thinking about having a kid that we were also worried about accidental pregnancy when we were younger. Right? How it was drilled into us from sex ed classes that it's extremely easy to get pregnant, even if you are taking steps to prevent prevent it. How you could slip on a banana peel and end up with a baby somehow. And now that we're older and ready to have kids, it's not so easy at all. Today's book is a memoir about how not easy the journey to parenthood can be. It's titled I'll Tell youl When I'm Home by writer Hala Alyan. And in this interview with NPR's Leila Fadel, she talks about wanting so much to be a mother, but learning that wanting is not necessarily a guarantee. That's coming up.

[NPR Sponsor]

Support for this podcast and the following message come from Indeed. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. Indeed's sponsored jobs helps you stand out. According to INDEED data, sponsored jobs posted directly on indeed have 45% more applications than non sponsored jobs. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed and get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs. More visibility@ Indeed.com book terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need.

[Leila Fadel]

Through fragments of history, memory, grief and hope, author and psychologist Hala Allian braids together the story of her life and the start of another. The memoir is called I'll Tell youl When I'm Home. In it, Alian writes of the exile of her Palestinian ancestors and her family's life of repeated displacement through force or war, from Gaza, from Kuwait, from Lebanon. Her search for home is framed through Aliane's struggle to get pregnant, the many miscarriages, and then a new life through surrogacy. A baby named Layla Hale Alliane joins me now. Thank you for coming back on the program.

[Hala Alyan]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Leila Fadel]

Why were you taking stock in this moment and deciding to write the story of a life, your life?

[Hala Alyan]

Because I felt like my life was untenable as it was, because I felt like I had been sleepwalking for several years and then looked around and saw that I was in the midst of infertility, in the midst of several miscarriages, that I was longing and longing for an experience that I wasn't sure was going to come. The pandemic had Started. And I was somebody who had, at that point, done kind of of what I thought were all the correct things, quote, unquote. You know, I had gotten sober many years earlier. I had tackled an eating disorder. I had. I felt, dealt with, you know, different traumas that I had. I was, you know, successful by metrics of. I taught, I was writing, I was doing all these different things. I had a private practice, and there was just. And I just could not separate what was happening in my life with what was happening in these places that I belong to and that I came from.

[Leila Fadel]

Your book, as you point out, is really this journey trying to get pregnant. The many miscarriages, the pain of being angry at your body, and the ultimate decision that you make almost recklessly one night to seek surrogacy. Just talk to me about that moment you made the decision.

[Hala Alyan]

Yeah, I had just done the dnc, which is a procedure to essentially take care of pregnancies that are not going to be able to continue for the final miscarriage, which was the hardest because it was the one where there had been a heartbeat, and I'd heard it and it was okay. And then it started to slow, and then there was no heartbeat. I come home and I was still, you know, like, I had just done anesthesia. I was, like, kind of groggy and whatever. And just before I could even really think, I'm in process of what I was doing, I emailed. So I had contacted a surrogacy agency months earlier, and I just wrote them and was like, I'm ready to go.

[Leila Fadel]

What was it like for you not to carry yourself? I mean, you write a lot about your body and this journey.

[Hala Alyan]

I began the surrogacy process, and then as the months went on, I started to understand the implications. So, meaning, like, you know, the first time the baby moved, to be like, oh, I'm hearing a description of this, right? I'm hearing the heartbeat through the phone. I'm hearing about the baby moving. I'm hearing about the cravings. I think pregnancy notoriously, is like a period of waiting and taking stock, but in my case, it was waiting for something to happen in someone else's body. And that. That tension started to really echo for me a lot of the metaphors of, like, exile and displacement and what it felt to be kind of. Yeah. To be a little bit locked out of. Of the experience while also being kind of breathlessly grateful that it was still happening.

[Leila Fadel]

You call the book I'll Tell youl When I'm Home. The title, Where did it come from. And did you ever get home?

[Hala Alyan]

You know, I think motherhood has felt very much like a kind of home for me. And I've been very grateful for that because, you know, I wanted very badly to be a mother. But wanting something is not a guarantee that you'll enjoy it or you'll love it. It's one of the under discussed things about the human experience. And so I feel particularly grateful that when it arrived, I have loved it. I mean, maybe it's because I'm also solo parenting, but I think there is a profound way in which I feel like I am day to day, like architecting this with this little human.

[Leila Fadel]

And you end the book with Laila's birth. Tell me what that was like.

[Hala Alyan]

I had rehearsed also in my mind for years, the moment of birthing. You know, I don't know that I would say I was looking forward to it, but I had certainly thought of like, what it would be like, you know, to be. To feel. To have. To face that, to have to, you know, and then to be like, oh. In all my rehearsal of life looking one way. This is one of the few times that it never even occurred to me to rehearse this. And like, nothing is more beautiful than to show up to your life unrehearsed. And that's exactly what that moment was.

[Leila Fadel]

Nothing is more beautiful than to show up in your life unrehearsed. I love that. There is a passage near the end of your book on page 252. Do you mind reading that passage in.

[Hala Alyan]

You is the story of sailors, occupiers, the occupied, the people who never left, the people who were made to. You will learn to live within this as we all do. You come from people that love the way moons pull tides or else the way that tides are pulled by the moon. And someday you will have to reckon with your own unruly heart. I have no advice to give, save one thing. Don't exile anything. Turn the sun of your attention briefly, sometimes briefly on all that awakens your love. This is your birthright, Layla. You will have to hunt for many things, excavate them in others or yourself, but not your mother's truth. I'll leave that right in the open for you to see.

[Leila Fadel]

You're a few years into parenting.

[Hala Alyan]

Yeah. 3.

[Leila Fadel]

How would you describe the mother you are?

[Hala Alyan]

You know, shockingly like, laid back. Actually, I have a very close friend that was like, I am. She's like. You might be the most like calm and unanxious parent I've seen. You know, when you when you pursue something like surrogacy, there is maybe no greater act than trust. By the time she came into the world, I had had to practice that muscle, and so I feel more trusting now of the world than I did before her.

[Leila Fadel]

Hannah Allian's latest book is a memoir. It's called I'll Tell youl When I'm Home. Thank you so much and congratulations on your book.

[Hala Alyan]

Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

[Andrew Limbaugh]

Foreign.

[NPR Sponsor]

This message comes from Schwab. Everyone has moments when they could have done better. Same goes for where you invest. Level up and invest smarter with Schwab. Get market insights, education and human help when you need it. This message comes from Strawberry Me. You've worked hard to get where you are, but what's next? Strawberry Me Career coaching helps professionals like you take the next big step with confidence by matching you with a certified career coach who understands your goals and challenges. This isn't just advice, it's a personalized, results driven approach to uncover hidden strengths, overcome obstacles and accelerate your career growth. Visit Strawberry Me NPR to claim your fifty dollar credit.

This message comes from Bombas. Socks, underwear and T shirts are the top three requested clothing items by people experiencing homelessness. Bombus makes all three and donates one item for every item purchased. Go to bombus.com NPR and use code NPR for 20% off.