NPR's Book of the Day: "I'll Tell You When I'm Home" by Hala Alyan

Release Date: July 22, 2025

In this compelling episode of NPR's Book of the Day, host Leila Fadel delves into Hala Alyan's poignant memoir, "I'll Tell You When I'm Home." Alyan, a renowned writer and psychologist, intertwines her personal journey with her family's tumultuous history of exile, offering listeners a deeply moving exploration of home, identity, and the profound longing for motherhood.

Exploring a Legacy of Exile

Hala Alyan opens the memoir by tracing her Palestinian ancestors' experiences of displacement and forced exile. From Gaza to Kuwait and Lebanon, Alyan paints a vivid picture of a family repeatedly uprooted by war and conflict. This historical backdrop sets the stage for her personal narrative, highlighting how the search for a permanent home has shaped her identity and aspirations.

Hala Alyan [02:10]: "I felt like my life was untenable as it was... I just could not separate what was happening in my life with what was happening in these places that I belong to and that I came from."

The Struggle with Infertility

A significant portion of Alyan's memoir centers on her arduous journey towards parenthood. Despite her deep-seated desire to become a mother, Alyan faces the harsh reality of infertility, marked by multiple miscarriages that test her resilience and emotional strength. Her candid discussions reveal the often-overlooked emotional turmoil that accompanies fertility struggles.

Hala Alyan [02:15]: "I had been sleepwalking for several years... I was longing for an experience that I wasn't sure was going to come."

The Decision to Pursue Surrogacy

After enduring the heartbreaking loss of a pregnancy where she could hear the baby's heartbeat, Alyan makes a transformative decision to pursue surrogacy. This choice, made in a moment of vulnerability and desperation, signifies a pivotal shift in her journey towards motherhood. She reflects on the complexities and emotions involved in entrusting another person with the miracle of creating life.

Hala Alyan [03:35]: "I just wrote to the surrogacy agency and was like, I'm ready to go."

Motherhood as a Sense of Home

Alyan eloquently describes motherhood as a profound sense of home, contrasting it with her family's history of displacement. While she yearns for this feeling of belonging, she acknowledges that the act of wanting alone does not guarantee fulfillment. Her reflections underscore the delicate balance between desire and reality in the pursuit of happiness.

Hala Alyan [05:17]: "Motherhood has felt very much like a kind of home for me. Wanting something is not a guarantee that you'll enjoy it or you'll love it."

The Birth of Layla Hale Alyan

The memoir culminates with the birth of Alyan's daughter, Layla Hale Alyan. Alyan shares the unanticipated beauty of this moment, emphasizing the authenticity and raw emotion that accompanies the arrival of her child. This experience reinforces her belief in embracing life's unpredictability and the spontaneous joy it can bring.

Hala Alyan [05:58]: "Nothing is more beautiful than to show up to your life unrehearsed. And that's exactly what that moment was."

Reflections on Motherhood and Trust

Three years into her journey as a solo parent, Alyan describes herself as a "laid back" and "calm" mother. She credits her decision to pursue surrogacy with fostering a deep sense of trust in herself and the world around her. This newfound trust has not only shaped her parenting style but also enriched her personal growth.

Hala Alyan [07:38]: "When you pursue something like surrogacy, there is maybe no greater act than trust... I feel more trusting now of the world than I did before her."

A Thought-Provoking Conclusion

Alyan concludes her memoir with a heartfelt passage addressed to her daughter, Layla, encapsulating her hopes and wisdom. She emphasizes the importance of embracing love and truth, urging Layla to cherish her heritage while forging her own path.

Hala Alyan [06:38]: "Don't exile anything. Turn the sun of your attention briefly, sometimes briefly on all that awakens your love. This is your birthright, Layla."

Final Thoughts

Hala Alyan's "I'll Tell You When I'm Home" is a profound narrative that seamlessly blends personal struggle with a broader historical context. Through her honest and evocative storytelling, Alyan invites readers to reflect on the complexities of home, identity, and the transformative journey of motherhood. This memoir not only sheds light on the pain and perseverance inherent in the search for family but also celebrates the unexpected joys that arise when one least expects them.

For those seeking a deeply moving and introspective read, Hala Alyan's memoir is a testament to resilience, love, and the uncharted paths that lead us home.

Notable Quotes:

• Hala Alyan [02:10]: "I felt like my life was untenable as it was... I just could not separate what was happening in my life with what was happening in these places that I belong to and that I came from."

• Hala Alyan [05:58]: "Nothing is more beautiful than to show up to your life unrehearsed. And that's exactly what that moment was."

• Hala Alyan [07:38]: "I feel more trusting now of the world than I did before her."