In her new memoir, Jeannie Vanasco gets 'A Silent Treatment' from her mom

Summary

NPR's Book of the Day: Jeannie Vanasco on "A Silent Treatment"

Date: October 14, 2025
Host: Scott Simon (with introduction by Linda Holmes)
Guest: Jeannie Vanasco
Main Theme: Exploring the complexities of mother–daughter relationships through cycles of silence and communication, as recounted in Jeannie Vanasco's memoir "A Silent Treatment."

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into Jeannie Vanasco's deeply personal memoir, "A Silent Treatment," which examines her mother's recurrent periods of silence—a form of emotional withdrawal that sometimes lasted as long as six months. Host Scott Simon discusses with Vanasco the emotional toll of this family dynamic, its roots, and the nuanced dance between love and pain in parental relationships, all set against the backdrop of their shared history and Vanasco's evolving understanding of her mother's coping strategies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of the Silence

• Vanasco's mother Barbara moved into the basement of Jeannie's Baltimore home, beginning periods of total silence toward her daughter.
• These silences ranged from days to half a year and were not always triggered by recognizable events or arguments.

[01:34] Jeannie Vanasco: "Signs she's avoiding or preparing to avoid me. I open the door off my dining room, call down mom. And she doesn't answer, even though I heard her moving around moments ago... She takes out her trash before sunrise. She stops feeding the squirrels and birds."

2. Unclear Triggers and Personal Impact

• Jeannie often didn't know what set off her mother's silence, leading to episodes of anxiety and self-blame.
• Reflecting, she realized her mother viewed silence as a mature way to avoid saying something hurtful—a coping mechanism rather than a punishment.

[02:53] Jeannie Vanasco: "I wouldn't always know. And I think that was what was so anxiety inducing about it... I would end up in this loop of thinking, oh, is it because I went to Home Depot without her?... She would explain it as if this was a very mature thing to do. She would say, I don't want to say something I'd regret."

3. Empathy Over Anger

• Instead of getting angry, Jeannie found herself developing empathy for her mother's pain and history, particularly her mother's prior experiences with abuse.

[04:40] Jeannie Vanasco: "I felt a lot more empathy for her... I was thinking a lot more about her and thinking about all the reasons she was inflicting silence."

4. The Question of Abuse

• Jeannie cautiously broached the idea that silence might be an abusive tool, sharing research about social ostracism affecting the brain similarly to physical abuse. She discussed this with her mother, who was surprised by the idea and did not equate her own behavior to abuse.

[05:05] Jeannie Vanasco: "...some people say it's abusive. And she said, really? ...some of the research I did, they have found that social ostracism activates the same area of the brain that physical abuse activates... It was one of the most painful experiences of my life."

5. Names, Logistics, and Irony

• Jeannie and her mother share the same name, leading to amusing but also logistically complicated situations, such as credit score confusion and even voter fraud flags.

[05:58] Jeannie Vanasco: "He named me after her. It has caused a lot of problems. We got flagged for voter fraud recently because we have the same name... My credit score improved because they thought I opened my first line of credit when I was in preschool..."

6. Moments of Breakthrough and Reconnection

• Even alongside long silences, moments of connection emerged, such as a note after Jeannie filed her mother's taxes that broke a strand of the silence.
• Jeannie recognizes her mother’s cycle as something largely beyond her control, and finds peace with these patterns.

[07:12] Scott Simon (quoting Barbara's note): "'It's all on me, not you. I don't know why I don't communicate. I love you.'"

[07:22] Jeannie Vanasco: "...that broke a particular silence... when a silence was over, I mean, my mom returned to becoming in my mind, the most wonderful mother in the world..."

7. Mental Health and Change

• Attempts to encourage Barbara to seek therapy were met with resistance, with only tentative openness before returning to avoidance.
• A significant improvement occurred when Barbara moved into her own space across the street, which seemed to ease tensions.

[08:17] Jeannie Vanasco: "...after the six month silence, I did suggest to her... she said, you know, I probably should talk to someone... And then two weeks later she's like, I'm not seeing a therapist."

[08:57] Jeannie Vanasco: "...she moved across the street from me... having her own space made a huge, huge difference."

8. The Paradox of Protecting and Hurting Loved Ones

• Scott and Jeannie acknowledge the painful paradox where withdrawing to protect someone you love ends up being the thing that hurts them most.

[09:17] Scott Simon: "...we sometimes tell ourselves we're doing something to avoid hurting someone we love and then...what we're doing...is exactly what hurts them. I don't know how to solve that either."

[09:35] Jeannie Vanasco: "I have no idea. I think that's why I turned to writing, to figure out questions I don't know how to answer. But I did write it out of love."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Explaining the Silence:

  [03:22] Jeannie Vanasco: "She would explain it as if this was a very mature thing to do... I began to understand, okay, she's doing this for herself. It's a coping mechanism, that kind of retreat."

• On Abuse and Pain:

  [05:16] Jeannie Vanasco: "...social ostracism activates the same area of the brain that physical abuse activates, and so it does feel... it was one of the most painful experiences of my life."

• On Lasting Love:

  [07:27] Jeannie Vanasco: "...when a silence was over, I mean, my mom returned to becoming in my mind, the most wonderful mother in the world. I mean, I love my mom. I just have...accepted that this is something she does."

• On Writing as Grace:

  [09:35] Jeannie Vanasco: "I think that's why I turned to writing, to figure out questions I don't know how to answer. But I did write it out of love."

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Key Timestamps

• 00:02–01:22: Introduction; setting up the memoir's premise
• 01:22–03:53: Exploring the forms and triggers of the silence
• 03:53–05:56: Discussion of empathy, anger, abuse, and family history
• 05:56–07:03: Navigating practical and emotional implications of sharing a name
• 07:03–08:13: Episodes that broke the silence and the acceptance of her mother's patterns
• 08:13–09:17: Attempts regarding mental health support and changes after living apart
• 09:17–09:49: Reflections on love, hurt, and why Jeannie wrote the book

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Tone & Conclusion

The conversation is deeply reflective, compassionate, and frank, balancing humor in the everyday oddities of family life with a sensitive examination of emotional pain. Vanasco’s openness about her mother’s struggles and her own shifting perspective creates an intimate and insightful listen for anyone interested in the complexities of familial bonds.

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For more: "A Silent Treatment" by Jeannie Vanasco is available wherever books are sold.

Transcript

[Linda Holmes]

Hi, I'm Linda Holmes, and this is NPR's book of the Day. We spend a lot of time talking about why families say the things they do to each other. Hurtful things, difficult things, upsetting things. But what makes a mother stop saying anything at all to her daughter? Jeannie Manasco's memoir, A Silent Treatment, is about the period her mother spent living in the basement apartment of her home and the fact that at times she just stop communicating at all. Sometimes it was for shorter periods, but once it was for six months. It was hard, it was painful. It wasn't always even clear what set it off. Vanasco told NPR's Scott Simon about what she learned from living with her mother and how she came to understand this pattern not as a punishment, but as her mom's way of coping with the world and with her own pain.

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[Scott Simon]

And with some excitement, Genie Vanesco's mother, Barbara, moved into the renovated basement department of her daughter's home in Baltimore and then began to treat Jeannie with silence.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Signs she's avoiding or preparing to avoid me. I open the door off my dining room, call down mom. And she doesn't answer, even though I heard her moving around moments ago. She texts two letter replies such as okay and no. She locks the door off the dining room. She takes out her trash before sunrise. She stops feeding the squirrels and birds. She keeps her lights off. She keeps her phone off. She stacks cardboard boxes in the laundry room or garage or on the deck. Sometimes she includes a moving checklist with the names of retirement communities hundreds of miles away in Ohio. She writes letters, her cruelest claims we never did get along. Her softest reads, I love you, but I think we do better at a distance.

[Scott Simon]

Sometimes. The silent treatment would last a few days, once for half a year. Silent Treatment is Gina Venasco's new memoir, and she joins us from our Studios in Washington, D.C. thanks so much for being with us.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Scott Simon]

What would set off a silence? Or do you do you know?

[Jeannie Vanasco]

I wouldn't always know. And I think that was what was so anxiety inducing about it was because I would end up in this loop of thinking, oh, is it because I went to Home Depot without her? Is she upset that my partner and I have Covid without her? I mean, she stopped talking to us at one point. It was like a week into my partner and I having Covid. And I thought, okay, surely I didn't do anything wrong there. And not giving my 80 year old.

[Scott Simon]

Mother Covid, you were trying to fill in the blanks.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

It was constant, Constant. She would explain it as if this was a very mature thing to do. She would say, I don't want to say something I'd regret. And so for her, it was her removing herself from a situation so as not to cause pain. And so I stopped taking it personally, or I try not to take it personally. I began to understand, okay, she's doing this for herself. It's a coping mechanism, that kind of retreat.

[Scott Simon]

You dedicate the book to your mother. Your mother knew that you were writing this book, right?

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Oh, yes, I told her. So. The idea for the book came after my mom's six month period of silence where I thought, well, that was awful and maybe it would be interesting to write about. And so I did tell her. I said, I think I found a frame device. Then she said, well, that sounds interesting. And I have told her, I said, look, here are some things that are in it. Is this okay? And she's like, jeannie, I'm old. What do I care what people think? It's your book. It's not my book.

[Scott Simon]

Did the silent treatment have the effect of making you think more about your mother?

[Jeannie Vanasco]

It had the effect of I felt a lot more empathy for her. I would talk with friends or my therapist and they're like, why can't you let yourself get angry at your mom? And I was like, well, she's going through such a hard time. And I was thinking a lot more about her and thinking about all the reasons she was inflicting silence.

[Scott Simon]

And had a rough first marriage too, right?

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Her first marriage was extremely abusive. And so her mother was extremely physically abusive. So my mom didn't view the silent treatment as abusive. I brought it up at one point. I wanted to be very cautious about using the word abuse. But I did tell her, I was like, you know, some people say it's abusive. And she said, really? I was like, yeah, like it can be hurtful. And I mean, some of the research I did, they have found that social ostracism activates the same area of the brain that physical Abuse activates, and so it does feel for me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. The only comparison I can think of is when my dad died when I was 18. It was extremely painful.

[Scott Simon]

You and your mother have the same name.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

It's so confusing. Yes. So I was supposed to be named Jeannie, and my dad then thought he would be doing something sweet by naming me after my mom. He thought it would be a nice surprise. So while she was asleep, he named me after her. It has caused a lot of problems. We got flagged for voter fraud recently because we have the same name. And for a while we had the same address. My credit score improved because they thought I opened my first line of credit when I was in preschool. So that, I mean, there was a plus. I mean, I thought it was very funny when at times my mom was using the silent treatment and I'd gotten us gym memberships at this women's only gym near us. And I had asked if I could put a hold on her account. And they were having trouble finding her in the system. And I remember they asked me, like, oh, your mom has the same address, is listed as the same address. Is that a mistake? And I thought, yes and no.

[Scott Simon]

In a sense, it might be.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Yeah.

[Scott Simon]

She left you a very touchy note once after you filed her taxes.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Yes.

[Scott Simon]

Your mother wrote, it's all on me, not you. I don't know why I don't communicate. I love you.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

I have never been so grateful in my life for my mom to ask me to do her taxes because I would often do them. Yeah. I mean, that broke a particular silence. And I know she felt awful when it was over. I really think it was beyond her control. This was something she had done throughout her life. It worked for her. And, you know, when a silence was over, I mean, my mom returned to becoming in my mind, the most wonderful mother in the world. I mean, I love my mom. I just have. I have accepted that this is something she does. And I am a lot more patient with it. She hasn't done it for a long time now, though. I will say, what's a long time? More than a year and a half. Yeah.

[Scott Simon]

Did you ever seek professional help for your mother?

[Jeannie Vanasco]

When she moved to Baltimore, a doctor had suggested to her that maybe she see a therapist. Like, you know, you've gone through a lot of changes. This is hard. And she shut it down right away. She said, I'm not crazy. So we let it go. And then after the six month silence, I did suggest to her I said, look, mom, there's no shame. And she said, you know, I probably should talk to someone. I should have talked to someone after your father died. And then I was relieved. And then two weeks later she's like, I'm not seeing a therapist.

[Scott Simon]

Yeah, well, I mean, you can't, no one can do it for you.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Absolutely. I'm okay with spoilers. I don't think this is a big spoiler, but she moved across the street from me, like directly across the street. So it's a straight line from my porch to hers. And I think having her own space made a huge, huge difference.

[Scott Simon]

I'm left, among so many other things, thinking we sometimes tell ourselves we're doing something to avoid hurting someone we love and then have to get used to the fact that what we're doing because we don't want to hurt them is exactly what hurts them. I don't know how to solve that either.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

I have no idea. I have no idea. I think that's why I turned to writing, to figure out questions I don't know how to answer. But I did write it out of love. So I hope that comes through, especially to her.

[Scott Simon]

Jeannie Vanasco, her new memoir, A Silent Treatment. Thank you so much for being with us.

[Jeannie Vanasco]

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

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