In 'The Dry Season,' Melissa Febos chronicles a transformative year of celibacy

Summary

NPR's Book of the Day: Detailed Summary of "The Dry Season" by Melissa Febos

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Introduction to "The Dry Season"

In the episode titled "In 'The Dry Season,' Melissa Febos chronicles a transformative year of celibacy," NPR host Andrew Limbong introduces Melissa Febos's memoir, "The Dry Season."[00:02] Febos embarks on a year-long journey of celibacy, exploring its impact on her personal life and relationships. The podcast delves into why Febos chose celibacy, the challenges she faced, and the profound insights she gained from this period of abstinence.

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Why Melissa Febos Chose Celibacy

Mariel Sagada, host of NPR's Life Kit, initiates the conversation by asking Febos about the origins of her decision to embrace celibacy.[01:36]

Breaking Patterns from Past Relationships

Melissa Febos shares that after two decades of being in consecutive committed monogamous relationships, she experienced a devastating breakup in her mid-30s.[01:41] This tumultuous period left her questioning her dependency on romantic relationships and the role of sex within them. She reflects:

"I had to stop and take stock and I thought why am I stuck in this pattern and how do I change?" [01:41]

Reevaluating the Role of Sex

Initially, Febos considered sex as the common denominator in her relationship patterns. However, she quickly realized that the underlying issue was her own behavior and emotional dependencies.

"Sex was the first thing I thought of. Within weeks, even days, I realized that sex was not actually the common denominator. I was." [03:20]

She likens the pursuit of sex and love to addictive behaviors, highlighting the intensity and compulsiveness that fueled her past relationships.

"I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it is a drug." [03:20]

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The Experiences and Challenges of Celibacy

Confronting Consent and Personal Boundaries

Febos recounts a particularly challenging experience at a cuddle party where, despite explicit consent guidelines, she found herself compromising her boundaries.

"Despite my sort of feminist upbringing, I still had this very automatic, sort of instinctive response that I should say yes when anyone asked anything of me, including physically, including sexually." [04:38]

This incident led her to introspect on the ingrained belief that her self-worth was tied to her ability to attract and please others.

Breaking Long-Standing Patterns

Mariel Sagada probes into how Febos felt when she chose to deviate from her established behaviors.

"You know, it was really interesting because it felt impossible right up until it became possible." [06:41]

Febos describes the internal struggle of wanting to change versus the ingrained habits that pushed her towards her old patterns. The breakthrough moments felt like "moments of grace" where new possibilities emerged.

Adopting Body Neutrality

Febos also discusses her journey towards body neutrality, shedding societal pressures to perform attractiveness.

"If I can't appear attractive or lovable or sexually viable to strangers, then that's a bad day. Like my worth, the value of my time and of my whole being is contingent upon my ability to attract and be lovable or appealing to strangers." [08:00]

In response, she made tangible changes such as wearing sneakers instead of heels and minimizing makeup, which helped her reconnect with her authentic self.

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The Benefits and Gifts Gained from Celibacy

Enhanced Personal Relationships and Self-Awareness

As Febos settled into her celibate life, she experienced significant personal growth and newfound joy.

"I was super happy, that I actually felt incredibly joyful. I was spending so much more time with my friends and family. All of my other relationships started to completely flourish." [11:26]

She highlights how celibacy allowed her to redirect energy towards platonic relationships, creative endeavors, and political activism.

Deepened Spiritual and Creative Connections

Febos developed a deeper spiritual sense and a more profound connection to various forms of intimacy beyond romantic relationships.

"I developed this relationship... to all of life and to what I guess I can call the divine." [11:26]

Her creative practice thrived as she no longer allocated so much time and energy to maintaining romantic relationships.

Self-Discovery and Accountability

In the second phase of her celibacy experiment, Febos conducted a comprehensive inventory of her past relationships to understand her own contributions to their dynamics.

"Doing the inventory really showed me what I had to be accountable for and how I'd been complicit in every sort of romantic disaster of my life." [14:25]

This introspection was pivotal in fostering self-awareness and responsibility, enabling her to move forward with healthier relationship patterns.

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Melissa's Relationship with Her Wife

Unexpectedly, during her period of celibacy, Febos met her future wife. This relationship marked a significant turning point, demonstrating how her commitment to personal growth and boundary-setting positively influenced her romantic life.

"Who I didn't know was my wife, but the first person I was really interested in since I had decided to spend some time celibate." [15:52]

This union underscored the success of her celibate experiment, illustrating that meaningful and healthy relationships could emerge from a place of self-awareness and intentional living.

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Insights and Conclusions

Melissa Febos's memoir, as discussed in this NPR episode, offers a compelling exploration of celibacy as a tool for personal transformation. By stepping away from the traditional focus on romantic and sexual relationships, Febos was able to cultivate deeper connections with herself and others, enhance her creative and spiritual life, and establish healthier boundaries.

"There is so much power in just stopping and pausing and thinking about what you've been doing and thinking about how you might want to do it just a little bit different." [09:57]

Febos's story serves as an invitation for listeners to consider the value of intentional abstinence in reevaluating their own lives and relationships. It highlights the potential for profound personal growth that can arise from challenging entrenched patterns and embracing periods of self-reflection and change.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Melissa Febos on Celibacy Motivation:
  "I had to stop and take stock and I thought why am I stuck in this pattern and how do I change?" [01:41]

• Comparing Sex to Addiction:
  "I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it is a drug." [03:20]

• Struggle with Consent and Boundaries:
  "I still had this very automatic, sort of instinctive response that I should say yes when anyone asked anything of me, including physically, including sexually." [04:38]

• Breaking Old Habits:
  "It felt impossible right up until it became possible." [06:41]

• Body Neutrality and Self-Worth:
  "If I can't appear attractive or lovable or sexually viable to strangers, then that's a bad day." [08:00]

• Joy and Personal Growth from Celibacy:
  "I was super happy, that I actually felt incredibly joyful." [11:26]

• Power of Self-Reflection:
  "There is so much power in just stopping and pausing and thinking about what you've been doing and thinking about how you might want to do it just a little bit different." [09:57]

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Conclusion

Melissa Febos's "The Dry Season" offers an insightful narrative on the transformative power of celibacy. Through her candid discussions on NPR's Book of the Day, listeners gain a profound understanding of how stepping away from romantic and sexual pursuits can lead to enhanced self-awareness, deeper personal relationships, and a more fulfilling and intentional life. Febos's journey underscores the importance of pausing to reevaluate one's patterns and the incredible growth that can result from such introspection.

Transcript

[Andrew Limbong]

Hey, it's NPR's Book of the Day. I'm Andrew Limbong. When I was a teenager, I got into the straight edge hardcore movement, which was this subculture of punk where the music was super fast, super loud and it promoted a lifestyle based on not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs and also not having, you know, a lot of sex. It was the first time I'd ever encountered celibacy detached from religion. And it seems to different than, I don't know, staying away from cigarettes. Like even today I think if you told someone you were sober from drugs or booze, they'd be pretty chill about it. But if you told them you were staying away from sex voluntarily, you might get some raised eyebrows. It just doesn't seem as commonly talked about. But that's what today's book is about. Melissa Febos memoir, the Dry Season is a look at her year long journey into celibacy and she spoke to Mariel Sagada, host of NPR's Life Kit, about why she did it and what she learned. There's a lot to get into here so we're going to spend the whole episode on it. After the break, we'll learn about the breakup that led to this experiment.

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[Mariel Sagada]

When did you first consider a period of celibacy and why?

[Melissa Febos]

I had been in consecutive committed monogamous relationships for about 20 years. Basically when I was 15, I started being preoccupied, occupied by romance and love and sex and those pursuits and how they made me feel about myself. And in my mid-30s I was coming off of a really devastating relationship where I had become so abject and obsessive and really kind of ruined my life. I had lost friends and crashed my car and my health had suffered and I had really just sort of gone completely off the rails and I sort of had to stop and take stock and I thought why am I stuck in this pattern and how do I change? And people had suggested to me for a really long time that I take a break from relationships and dating and I had thought, yeah, you know, that definitely sounds like a good idea but haha, I'm already in another Relationship. And it's sort of a hallmark of my personality that I have to be in incredible pain in order to let go of dependency. I identify as an addict. And at this point, I had been sober for 10 years. It's been been 20 years now. But I was in the right amount of pain to decide to make a change. And I thought, what is the common denominator in all of my relationships? And sex was the first thing I thought of.

[Mariel Sagada]

I mean, I'll speak for myself here. Sex can be like a drug. Not just sex, but the pursuit of it and the feeling that's generated within me knowing that I'm desired.

[Melissa Febos]

I mean, you're speaking exactly to my experience right now. You know, within weeks, maybe even days, I realized that sex was not actually the common denominator. I was. And that it was all of that stuff that happened inside of me when I experienced the sort of surrounding pursuits of sex and love, the seduction and attraction and flirtation and what's called limerence. All of the yummy brain chemicals that get released when and that spark flies. Right. And sometimes that period of time before anything is consummated, before, you know, someone is the most exciting and the most intoxicating. I mean, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it is a drug. And there are, you know, plenty of people in recovery from sex addiction and love addiction. Mm.

[Mariel Sagada]

There's a moment in the book that I deeply related to when you were with someone who was drunk and didn't want to take no for an answer, and you knew that you were gonna have to be quite clear and ver forceful with your no. And what you might have done in the past would have been to just cave and give her what she wanted to avoid embarrassing her. But you say I was heartbroken to choose myself.

[Melissa Febos]

Well, that was a really difficult passage to write. It's pretty painful to develop self awareness sometimes and to realize the ways that I have compromised myself. But, you know, somewhat ironically, that's the only way that I can stop doing it. Also, in my 30s, I went to a cuddle party, and there was kind of a workshop in consent at the beginning of the event. And there was a lot of encouragement to, like, don't cuddle with anyone you don't want to. Like, very active consent. And still by the end of the cuddle party, I had cuddled with people I didn't want to. And at the end of it, I thought, what the heck happened here? Like, I'm a queer woman. I'm A feminist. I know all about consent. Why was. Was I saying yes to spooning with strangers that I don't want to? And I sort of followed that question all the way back to my early, like, social education in sex, where I got all of this explicit and implicit messaging that it was just bad to disappoint people when they wanted something physically from you. And despite my sort of feminist upbringing, I still had this, like, very automatic, sort of instinctive response that I should say yes when anyone asked anything of me, including physically, including sexually. And it's interest because I have had these very clear, epiphanic moments across the course of my life where I suddenly could communicate with my body. And I thought, oh, God, I don't like this. Like, this hurts. I don't want to be doing this. And my mind was like, oh, no, we've been doing this for so long, and it's really not okay. And taking a break from sex is a great way to sort of look at that and try to stop doing it.

[Mariel Sagada]

How did it feel for you in those moments to do something different in this period, to break a pattern or choose a different set of behaviors in situations that you had this script for?

[Melissa Febos]

You know, it was really interesting because it felt impossible right up until it became possible. You know, I would acknowledge to myself, I want this to change. But of course, like, making a decision and then actually doing something different are very different activities. And so I would be in these situations where right up until the moment I did something different in my mind, I was like, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Like, I'm definitely gonna do what I've done every other time. But there was this little scrap of gumption that was like, no, we don't want to. And then the moment when I do something different feels in a way like a moment of grace, like something becomes possible that was not possible before.

[Mariel Sagada]

Yeah, I can totally relate to that. It feels like what you did here, it reminds me of this other thing that I do sometimes on days where I'm not loving how I look, I try to pull back and say, why does it matter so much how you look? It doesn't actually matter that much how you look. Like a body neutrality perspective. How do you feel today? What are some things you could do to make your body feel really good? And it's taking off the pressure of, like, performing attractiveness for other people.

[Melissa Febos]

Exactly. And, you know, I actually had a very specific experience about sort of looking cute and clothes, because I, you know, I had been wearing heels of some sort since I was a teenager cause I'm really short and I just thought they made like pants look better on me. And by better, what I meant is they made my body body look more like I had learned would attract other people slash men. Even though I wasn't even trying to attract men. That was still buried in there. And buried beneath it was this belief, like if I can't appear attractive or lovable or sexually viable to strangers, then that's a bad day. Like my worth, the value of my time and of my whole being is contingent upon my ability to attract and be lovable or appealing to strangers. And that is an outrageous concern.

[Mariel Sagada]

But so common. I mean everything. Like so many people feel this way.

[Melissa Febos]

It was all the way in there and I think it had been there since I was a kid. And so I started wearing sneakers every day. I stopped wearing makeup. And it doesn't mean that I never wear those things now. But I feel so much more awake to myself. Both what I want and what my motivations are behind my choices. Like what else can I be thinking about other than what I might be looking like to other people? How might I be addressing or changing or participating in the world that I am not available for when I am constantly tending to that internalized gaze?

[Mariel Sagada]

I like the idea too that it's like, it's not like you swore off sex forever, but it feels like an opportunity for people to say, let me just consider that this is not where my entire value comes from.

[Melissa Febos]

Exactly. You know, I'm not big into prescription. I'm not trying to start a celibacy movement. But what I will say, as someone who's also been like clean and sober for 20 years, there is so much power in just stopping and pausing and thinking about what you've been doing and thinking about how you might want to do it just a little bit different.

[Andrew Limbong]

We'll be back in a bit with more from Melissa Febos.

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[Andrew Limbong]

So we just heard the whys, right? Why did Melissa choose celibacy and why you might want to think about doing it but what did she actually get out of it? Here's Marielle.

[Mariel Sagada]

There's a shift in the book where you go from feeling anxious about your celibacy and sort of pushing against the walls of the thing to feeling more at ease and happy and unconcerned. What are some of the gifts that came with that shift?

[Melissa Febos]

How much time do you have? There were so many gifts. After I sort of figured out what I was doing and settled into the celibacy and the abstinence as I was defining it, I pretty quickly realized that I was super happy, that I actually felt incredibly joyful. I was spending so much more time with my friends and family. Like all of my other relationships started to completely flourish. I was going out dancing. I went out dancing more often that year than any other year of my life. You know, I really felt like I was rich in time and attention. I had so much more energy for everything else I loved. I felt more politically active. My creative practice was thriving. And I also was getting to know myself in ways that I hadn't realized. I was a stranger to myself. You know, there was a tremendous amount of energy and time and attention that I had given to my partners and to all of the activities around sex and love. And when I withdrew that energy from those pursuits, I had it for myself. I really developed this relationship sort of to all of life and to what I guess I can call the divine. Like, I developed this spiritual sense of the. Of being in the world and feeling awake to the vividity of life that I had, I think, really relegated to my love life. Before that, I had thought that, you know, I accessed the sublime through other people. But when I stopped doing that, I realized that I could experience it in nature or with myself or through art or friendship or all the other kinds of intimacy that are available to us.

[Mariel Sagada]

Yeah. When you first decided to do this, you said, okay, I'm gonna do it for three months. Why did you pick three months?

[Melissa Febos]

So I picked three months. One, because that was as long as I could imagine not doing those things. That was as long as I could imagine not having sex. And I was trying to work with myself. You know, I knew if I picked longer than that, I probably wouldn't stick to it. I would give up at three months. I was so happy. And I also really knew that if I stopped then and went back all of those activities, that I would probably just start doing what I had been doing before. And I was also having a great time. And I didn't want to go back to what I had been doing before. So I extended it for another three months. And then at the end of those three months, at that point, I felt like I was really in an active project of changing myself. Like in those second three months, I decided to make an exhaustive inventory of everyone I had ever been involved with and to basically make a study of my past to see what I had been doing and how. How I could do it differently.

[Mariel Sagada]

You put together a romantic sex partner inventory?

[Melissa Febos]

Yeah, everyone I had ever been with, everyone I had ever had any kind of entanglement with. It wasn't just sex. It was the emotional part too. And I devised a list of questions that I would answer about each one. Sort of like, where was I dishonest? How was I self centered? Like, what happened here? And, you know, I had a story about who I was in my past relationships, and it was much more heroic than what I saw when I did the inventory. Doing the inventory really showed me what I had to be accountable for and how I'd been complicit in every sort of romantic disaster of my life.

[Mariel Sagada]

Yeah, it's a hard realization, but it does allow you to move forward and to try something different.

[Melissa Febos]

That's right. And so I extended it for another three months. And at the end of nine months, I intended to stay celibate. At that point, I was really comfortable, really happy with where I was. And I honestly had begun questioning if I would ever want to be in a relationship or have sex again with another person. And I thought, if being with other people is risking what I have found in my celibacy, I'm not willing to give it up. So I just sort of like, stepped into the future as a celibate person. And what ended up happening is that I ended up continuing for another three months, for about a year. And then, you know, things got interesting.

[Mariel Sagada]

You met your wife, right?

[Melissa Febos]

I did, Yeah, I did. Who I didn't know was my wife, but the first person I was really interested in since I had decided to spend some time celibate. And she was a person who I thought I could do something really different with. And we have.

[Mariel Sagada]

I have loved this conversation.

[Melissa Febos]

Oh, thank you. Me too.

[Mariel Sagada]

And I loved your book, as you can tell. I'm like, quoting it to you.

[Melissa Febos]

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for reading it. I love that you loved it.

[Andrew Limbong]

That's it for this week on NPR's Book of the Day. Let us know what you think. You can write to [e-mail] I'm Andrew Limbong. The podcast is produced by Chloe Weiner and edited by Megan Sullivan, our founding editor, Ms. Petromayer. The show elements for this week were produced and edited by Justine Kennon, Jeffrey Pierre, Shannon Rhodes, Gabriel Donatov, Todd Muntz, Shuku Theuri, Martha Ann Overland, Danny Hensel, Meghan Cain and Margaret Serino. Yolanda Sanguini is our Executive producer. Thanks for listening.

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