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Phil Agnew
Today on Nudge, I'm interviewing a Harvard professor with a guilty pleasure.
Leslie John
One of my guilty pleasures is that I. I like watching beauty contests. Like, there's so much psychology in it. And who doesn't love looking at beautiful women in beautiful gowns?
Phil Agnew
That's Leslie John, author of the brilliant book Revealing.
Leslie John
I'm Leslie John. I'm a behavioral scientist and a professor at the Harvard Business School.
Phil Agnew
In her book, Leslie mentions the 1997 Miss Universe final.
Miss Universe Announcer
Ladies, this is your last round of competition.
Leslie John
1997 competition. It comes down to the final question at the end. And it's super high stress. It's a one shot. The three. There's three candidates at the end, and there's one question. They each asked the same question in front of a live audience.
Miss Universe Announcer
I will ask each of you the same question, and you'll have 20 seconds to respond.
Leslie John
And then they're whisked away into the soundproof booth so they can't hear the others answers.
Miss Universe Announcer
So that Ms. USA and Ms. Trinidad will not hear this. Can I ask both of you to wait in our soundproof booth? Thank you very much.
Leslie John
So first of all, to set it up, it comes down to Miss Venezuela, Miss Trinidad and Tobago and Miss usa. And the question is, here's the final question.
Miss Universe Announcer
If there were no rules in your life for one day and you could be outrageous, what would you do?
Leslie John
Of course, said in this, like, cheesy announcer voice and people's answers to me revealed what I call the Goldilocks principle, which is finding that sweet spot between TMI too much information and tli, or what I call too little information. It can often be kind of really gossamer thin. And their answers revealed really much. Mastering this space or not mastering it, as the case may be. So Ms. Venezuela said.
Phil Agnew
Ms. Venezuela answers in Spanish before her translator announces her answer to the American audience.
Leslie John
I think I would simply take a trip. I would travel around the world. I would go to Israel, and since it would be in one day, I would just magically travel from place to place to place.
Miss Universe Announcer
Thank you.
Leslie John
And that was kind of. That was tli. Too little information. That was womp, womp, like, okay, whatever, like, not very interesting, not reveal at all. Ms. Trinidad and Tobago said, I won't wear clothes. I mean, clothes. I mean, it's necessary because we know that we have to be private and all that, but if we had no rules, I would want to be free. And I'm sure everybody else would.
Miss Universe Announcer
Thank you, Ms. Trinidad.
Leslie John
That didn't go well over well for the conservative Beauty queen crowd, Right? And so there was kind of like the absence of excitement over that response. And then she noticed it and she's like, oh, but, you know, it's important to wear clothes and everything. Like, she tries to backpedal and save it, but too late. Tmi. And then out comes Miss USA in this spunky. I mean, I just love the gowns. This spunky faux midriff bearing royal blue. And what she says is, she says it looks super unfiltered. And she said, I would eat everything in the world. You do not understand. I would eat everything twice.
Miss Universe Announcer
Thank you, Ms. USA.
Leslie John
It just was so perfect, right? Because it is revealing. It is edgy. Like for a beauty queen to admit, yeah, it's hard. I want to eat. I deprive myself. And so that was just the perfect sweet spot for that crowd. And who won Miss usa?
Miss Universe Announcer
You are the new Miss Universe. The cash awards and the gifts are yours.
Leslie John
And then I ran a little study myself, which is so fun. I love my job where I showed participants clips of the three candidates and I asked them, you know, how trustworthy are they? How much do you like them? And of course, people liked Miss USA the best.
Phil Agnew
There's a subtle art to knowing how much or how little to share. Leslie John has spent her career asking people the most taboo off putting questions. And she's run studies that reveal how much and how little you should reveal at work. All of that is coming up in today's episode of Nudge. Most businesses think they know their customers. They have the data, the records, the history. But usually all of that data, records and history is scattered across different teams and different systems, which means no one can actually use it. HubSpot connects it all. Every interaction, every support ticket, every conversation. And they connect it into one platform that every team can work from. So when sales talks to a customer marketing, we'll already know what they've spoken about. And when you know more, you grow more. Check out HubSpot.com, the agentic customer platform for growing businesses. Hello, you're listening to Nudge with me, Phil Agnew and Harvard professor Leslie John. In her book Revealing the Surprising Power of Oversharing, Leslie first explains how if you share something revealing with a colleague, a friend, or even a stranger, it can make you more likable.
Leslie John
So when you reveal something sensitive, something a little edgy, you are basically modeling that you trust the person you're revealing it to. Why? Because saying something a little sensitive requires social risk. When you're on the receiving end of that we like, that we like it when people trust us and then it causes us to trust them back. So it makes, it's this reciprocal trust.
Phil Agnew
And Lesley has run some rather incredible studies that prove this.
Leslie John
As a decision scientist, what I do is I often give people really difficult choices, choices that they probably don't even want to make and force them to make a choice. And if I've designed the study well, their choice reveals something about human nature. What we did in this study we were interested in seeing like how strong is this preference for revealers? How strong is this tendency to like people who open up? What if they say like kind of bad things, would we still like them? So we're kind of pushing the boundaries to see how strong the effect is. And so if you were a participant in this study, we would ask you, we'd say we're going to ask you which of two people you'd rather date. And suppose you had talked to each person privately and at one point you had asked each other, tell me about any STDs you've ever had. I know it's a bit of a weird, like you're not going to start with that, but let's just boil it down because you're busy people. So the first person you say, they say, I have had so many STDs, like I have lost track, I have discovered new STDs, I have had all the STDs. So basically, like, it can't get worse than that. Answer the other person. They say, I'm not answering that question. They just simply opt out of answering in a very conspicuous way. And so the question is, would you rather date the revealer in this case, or the hider? Do you care to say who you would rather date, Phil?
Phil Agnew
Well, I'll be honest. I said I'd rather date a person riddled with STDs. I can't trust a person who refuses to answer honestly. So you, you know, I'd go with the person who I can trust. Even though in reality that answer is, well, it's totally irrational.
Leslie John
Not everyone, but most people, again and again, they tend to prefer the revealer. And we thought, wow, what is going on? And that's when we really realize that this mechanism of trust is really foundational. Because when you think about it, we are herd animals. We need connections with others, we need friendships, we need intimate relationships. And the question was why? And what we found was that the central mechanism here is trust. When someone refrains from doing this essential activity, trust building activity, revealing, as in they abstain, they hide. We view them with contempt. So much so that we'd rather date someone, we'd rather hire someone, we'd rather sit next to the tube beside someone who admits to the thing relative to someone who saliently says they're not doing it.
Phil Agnew
Leslie found the same bias for revealers in multiple different studies. 89% of participants preferred to hire someone who admitted to failing an exam over someone who withheld their grades, kept their grades secret. And 85% of people in the different study were more interested in a colleague who kept a painfully transparent calendar, one that included calendar entries for therapy and colonoscopy, than one that kept their calendar private.
Leslie John
And you can see, like in the animal kingdom, there's lots of analogues of animals building trust by taking social risk, by making themselves vulnerable. What's an animal equivalent? Well, like puppies, you know, when they arch their back and they expose their bellies, that's a very vulnerable part. They're taking risk. And in so doing, they endear themselves to others.
Phil Agnew
Revealing increases your likability. Lesley teaches this to her students at Harvard every year. But intellectual Harvard undergrads, they aren't always the EAs easiest to persuade. Those with the grades to get into the business school are usually the hardest people to persuade that revealing really works. So to persuade them, Lesley starts each semester with a game.
Leslie John
So I divide the room in two, and everybody's going to get a question that they have to talk about with the person beside them who they typically don't know, which makes it even better. They only know what question their half
Phil Agnew
got to be clear. Lesley splits the group in half. She tells one half to cover their eyes and then writes on the whiteboard a question for the first group with their eyes open to answer.
Leslie John
So half of the room, I assign them secretly to answer the question, what do you like about your job? Womp, womp. The other half of the people, I say, you're going to answer this question. You're going to talk about this question. When is the last time you cried? That also gets a womp, womp response, but for different reasons. Like, that one is like active eye rolling. People are, like, looking at me, what, are you crazy? And nobody wants to talk about it, but I force them to do it. And when they do it, I then I walk around the room and it's the criers, the people that are talking about crying that are actually laughing, and they're having a good time and they're bonding. And the people who got the dud question, why Is it a dud question what you like about your job? Because it doesn't prompt revelation, it doesn't prompt sensitive sharing. Then I ask them at the end, like, how fun was this? How thought provoking, how inspiring. And it's the criers that are the ones that are raising their hands.
Phil Agnew
The people forced to talk about the last time they cried are considerably more likely to want to repeat the exercise than those told to talk about their job, which is surprising because evidence suggests that people never want to talk about the last time they cried.
Leslie John
This is research by my bestie, Alison Brooks. She gets people to. She studies conversation. And she'll get people to rank order how much they want to talk about or little they want to talk about different topics. Talking about the last time you cried consistently ranks dead lasts. We do not want to talk about this. And yet when we do it, it's pretty amazing.
Phil Agnew
We don't want to reveal much about our deepest thoughts, but when we do, we appreciate it. So we should encourage our friends and colleagues to share a little more. However, there is an important caveat, something counterintuitive that you should know before you ask someone to open up.
Leslie John
This was back when I was a doctoral student with my advisor, George Lowenstein and Alessandro Christi. What we did was we wandered around campus asking people a series of sensitive questions. Have you ever plagiarized very sensitive academic questions? And what I did was I just varied whether I gave them an assurance up front. So a third of people got this very strong assurance, saying, like, we'll treat your answers confidentially. You can trust us, don't worry, blah, blah, blah, very long winded. The next group got like a weak assurance, something more easy breezy. And the third group got no assurance at all. I just went right into it. And what we found is that people revealed the least when they got the strongest assurance, which is very counterintuitive, right? And they revealed the most when they got no assurance at all. Thinking about it, we realized that, well, this idea of trusting someone, trust must be earned. It must be shown.
Phil Agnew
Strong assurances made people the least comfortable at revealing sensitive information. Instead, people were more willing to reveal when they were given no privacy guarantees at all to round up. We hate the idea of revealing something to colleagues, but we enjoy it when we do it. We're more likely to reveal if we're told our secrets will not be kept private. We're more likely to date someone who's honest, even about objectively bad Things and Miss USA 1, Miss Universe by revealing just the right amount. But Lesley wasn't done after the break. She shared how to overcome a fear of spiders and how to increase your happiness. All of that coming up. Marketing School is part of the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals. Every day on Marketing School, Neil Patel and Eric Shue share one practical marketing lesson and it's bite sized. Just 10 or 15 minutes with no waffle and no filler. A little bit like Nudge. There are over 2,500 episodes so I'm certain they'll be something for you. Whether you are wrestling with SEO content, email or conversion, listen to Marketing School wherever you get your podcasts. Small businesses make up a huge part of the UK economy, but it doesn't always feel like we have a voice. The Federation of Small Businesses exists to change that and it's one of the reasons I joined FSB started out more than 50 years ago as a group of self employed people coming together to campaign against a big tax hike on them. Today it is a powerful champion of its members interests with decision makers right across the country from the UK government to devolved administrations to elected mayors and local authorities, standing up for small businesses and the self employment employed on a whole range of issues. As a member you can also take part in surveys that directly shape policy decisions, which I love because it really feels like my voice is being heard. Visit get.fsb.orguknudge or click the link in the show notes and use the code nudge to get 10% off your membership. Hello, welcome back. You're listening to Nudge with me, Phil Agnew. To start the second half of today's show, Lesley shared something which I found rather surprising.
Leslie John
James Pennebaker, a legend in the field, social psychologist and what he showed is that when you write down in a diary, for example, just privately, things that are bothering you, it enhances your well being.
Phil Agnew
In this 1986 study, Penne Baker asked people to spend just a few minutes writing honestly about something and just doing that made people happier. But that was not all.
Leslie John
And so one of the classic studies he ran, for example was he randomized HIV patients to keep a diary. You know, write in it every three days or so for a few weeks, whatever it was. And half of the patients he said, you know, just write kind of about your day or whatever. Didn't give them much instruction. The other half he said try to put words into what is anything that's bothering you. Write about things that trouble you. And that was kind of it. He didn't say like try to make yourself Feel better or try to process it. He just said, write about it. And what he found is that the people that wrote about the things that troubled them, they had better psychological health, but even more strikingly, physiologically, they were healthier. So he took blood samples afterwards. And patients who had been randomized, right, randomized to write about what trouble them, they had higher. I think it was T cell counts or white blood cell counts, something like an indicator of better health, better immunity. And so this suggests, like a direct causal link between getting it out, the stuff that bugs you, to our health, our mental and physical health. And that's been replicated many times. It's a small effect and it requires you to comply and all these things. But it's really, really a foundational set of studies.
Phil Agnew
Those HIV patients showed better T cell counts after expressive writing. TAs were given a placebo. Pennebaker went on to find that university students who wrote about traumatic events made fewer trips to the health centre. And one 1994 study found that recently unemployed adults found jobs faster after doing some expressive writing tasks. But you don't even have to write. Just taking the time to put your thoughts and your fears into words can help. Psychologists call this affect labelling.
Leslie John
Affect labeling is a really powerful psychological tool and one that I think is really underappreciated. What it is is it's just the act of taking those thoughts and feelings and naming them.
Phil Agnew
And Lesley shared a fairly compelling 2012 study from Matthew Lieberman that really showcased the power of affect labelling.
Leslie John
Lieberman showed this more directly in the masochistic tradition of social psychology. He brought people into the lab and brought a huge tarantula in. Yes, I said a tarantula, like big, hairy, creepy tarantula. And for some people, he basically just said, here it is like, try to make yourself less stressed out. Like, do whatever you can to cope. The key group, he said, the affect labeling, he said to them, whatever you're feeling, put words on it, label those feelings. And then a few days later, he brought them back and he brought back the tarantula. And he measured how stressed they were, how anxious, and sure enough, it was the group that had labeled their feelings earlier that were less stressed.
Phil Agnew
A week after the initial tarantula experience, the researchers exposed participants to another tarantula. Then they measured participants anxiety levels by actually measuring their sweaty palms. And only the effect labeling group showed reduced anxiety. In other words, it was only those who had practiced putting their fears into words who ended up coping better.
Leslie John
One of the things I love about this is you don't need to try to sense, make. You don't need to try to process your feelings. What the heck does that mean? I don't even know how I would go about doing that. All you have to do is take the things and put words on it. And then Lieberman and others have shown if you are in the presence of someone else that you know is a confidant, a friend, a loved one, if you say it to them. And the effects are even stronger of the benefit of opening up in this way.
Phil Agnew
The therapeutic benefit, disclosing our feelings to ourselves by writing them down really helps. Disclosing them to others is even better. It can really help us overcome our fears. But can it make us happier?
Leslie John
What we did in this study with Ximena Garcia Rada, Christina Brandt and Mario Small, first we measured how often people avoid difficult topics. And it's really common to avoid talking about hard things. I get it. And so what we did is we forced people to do it. We assigned them. Half of people we assigned, go talk about this. Whatever issue you brought up to us, go talk about it with a loved one. See us again in 24 hours. And the other half of people, we did not make that assignment. They came back 24 hours or so later. And we measured how they felt about the issue. We measured their general well being, their general happiness. And all of those measures improved by having talked about it. And yet people think in prospect that it's not going to be good. And I'm not saying it's easy to talk about these things. In fact, sometimes even in the moment, it feels difficult. But the long game suggests that it actually really does help you be happier once you do it. Again with the caveats up with the right person, the right time, and all these things.
Phil Agnew
All right, lots of compelling evidence here that disclosure can improve your life. But I wanted to end today's episode with a fairly ridiculous study.
Leslie John
Yeah, this is one of my favorite studies ever. One of the first studies I ran actually as a doctoral student, it's called How Bad Are youe? And so what we did was this was this like online survey where we asked people a bunch of sensitive questions. You know, have you ever cheated on a partner? Have you ever filed a false insurance claim? Like some illegal stuff too. And all we varied was the look and feel of the survey. So some people had like a pretty bare bones looking survey. Other people had a survey that looked completely ridiculous. It had this banner called how bad are you? And it looked super amateur hour, like terrible, like comic Sans, weird font inconsistent sizes. There was like a bitmap graphic of a devil. Like it was just like, it was like if an amateur. Like if I designed a website and we designed it to be representative of the kinds of websites that do not protect your information. So there's a whole body of research in human computer interaction which looks at like how is the look and feel of websites related to their actual security or lack thereof. And so things like weird colors, weird fonts, low quality graphics are highly indicative of a website that doesn't protect your data. So we're like, objectively, you should not share on this site. And yet we found that people were twice as likely to admit these sensitive things on the crazy how bad are you? Site relative to one that was more buttoned up.
Phil Agnew
Leslie writes that the site felt like a joke, which made confessions feel oddly fun, even though many of the questions asked about behavior that was clearly wrong and even illegal. But the humour made people open up. It's a reminder that playfulness can lower inhibitions for better and and for worse. Today we've covered that revealing personal info makes you more likeable. Privacy promises backfire. And writing or naming your fears boosts your health and your mood. But the thing I'll remember is that Ms. University Competition and how too little disclosure makes you appear guarded. But too much disclosure can make you seem reckless. The winner, Miss USA struck that perfect balance. Open enough to seem warm and genuine, but measured enough to stay classy. That's the real lesson from Leslie's work. Disclosure isn't about sharing everything or nothing. It's about revealing just the right amount. Massive. Massive. Thank you to Lesley for coming on today's show. I really, really highly recommend checking out her book Revealing. It's a great read, not only because Leslie, well, she packs it with these great studies, but also because she reveals a lot about her own life and her work in the book, which just makes it far more readable. It's a really good book and there is a link to pick up Lesley's book in the show Notes. Now on today's show we have covered a number of insights about human psychology. But of course there are many, many more insights that you can use when you're thinking about human psychology to improve your business or to improve your marketing as well. I've spent the past eight years reading studies, books, peer reviewed papers to find all of these insights and I've documented them all in my brand new product. It is called the Nudge Vaults. The Nudge vaults contains over 600 insights into the science behind great business and great marketing. If you'd like to access the Nudge vaults or just learn a bit more, then go to nudgepodcast.comvaults, that is nudgepodcast.comvaults. or you can just click the link in the show notes of today's episode. If you do that, you can Preview your first 50 insights for free. You can check it out, you can see if it's for you. And there's no catch, really. If you like it, you can subscribe. If not, well, you can ignore it. That is all from me today. Thanks again to Lesley for joining me on today's episode of Nudge. I'll be back next Monday for another episode. Cheers.
Episode Title: How much should you reveal to your co-workers
Host: Phill Agnew
Guest: Leslie John (Harvard Business School Professor, Author of "Revealing")
Date: August 17, 2026
In this episode, Phill Agnew interviews Harvard professor and behavioral scientist Leslie John about the nuanced art of self-disclosure—particularly in professional settings. Drawing on research, famous experiments, and remarkable anecdotes (including the 1997 Miss Universe pageant), Leslie explores how the amount of personal information we share dramatically affects how we’re perceived, our relationships, and even our own well-being. The episode delves into the risks and rewards of revealing personal details, the psychological basis for why sharing works, and practical insights for navigating the fine line between too much and too little disclosure.
Half the room asked to discuss "What do you like about your job?" (a non-revealing/safe topic).
Other half required to discuss "When was the last time you cried?" (a vulnerable topic).
Result: Those discussing crying bonded more, laughed together, and enjoyed the experience more than those discussing jobs.
Leslie John on trusting revealers (STDs study):
"We'd rather date someone, we'd rather hire someone, we'd rather sit next to the tube beside someone who admits to the thing relative to someone who saliently says they're not doing it." ([08:12])
Leslie John on affect labeling:
"What it is is it's just the act of taking those thoughts and feelings and naming them." ([17:35])
Leslie John on the process of opening up:
"You don't need to try to sense, make. You don't need to try to process your feelings... All you have to do is take the things and put words on it." ([19:08])
Leslie John summarizing the Goldilocks approach:
"Disclosure isn't about sharing everything or nothing. It's about revealing just the right amount." ([22:55])
Further Reading:
This summary provides a comprehensive guide to the episode’s psychological insights on self-revelation, trust, and the power of opening up—useful for both professional and personal relationships.