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Ed Gamble
Howdy, folks. This episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head, the Friar's Turkey Breast.
James Acaster
Imagine a backyard tradition, okay? A sun drenched afternoon, a massive vat of bubbling oil and a man named Big Dave wearing goggles.
Ed Gamble
It's a lot of effort for a bird.
James Acaster
It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter?
Ed Gamble
Well, I'd say, James, you finally lost it and I think you lost it a while ago. But this is beyond the pale.
James Acaster
Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden fried glory of the Friar's Turkey Breast. But without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.
Ed Gamble
Oh, man, that sounds genuinely incredible.
James Acaster
Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The Friar's Turkey Breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried bull's head.
Ed Gamble
Committed to craft since 1905. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. It's a bonus Wowee. So loud. Yes, this is a bonus live episode of the Off Menu Podcast. James, do you remember this? It was all the way back on
James Acaster
13th March, 2026 in the Royal Albert Hall.
Ed Gamble
No less, no less than the Royal Albert Hall. We will only perform in the Royal Albert hall now.
James Acaster
Yes, we did six shows at the Royal Albert Hall.
Ed Gamble
Mad.
James Acaster
Which should have been illegal, but they let us do it.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
And they were all tasting menus where we get an old guest back, a fan favourite, and we give them the menu of another fan favourite. Yes.
Ed Gamble
Very exciting for us to trawl through our Multiple episodes and go, we'd like to speak to this person again.
James Acaster
Yeah. We listened to every single episode we've ever done again in order to choose the best guests for the Royal Albert Hall.
Ed Gamble
But no offense, if you're listening to this and you weren't one of the ones selected, your time will come. Next time we do the Royal Albert Hall.
James Acaster
Of course, we actually liked all the episodes that we listened back to. And we listened back to all of them.
Ed Gamble
Yeah, all of them.
James Acaster
Every single one of them was great.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
Apart from one.
Ed Gamble
We decided to go alphabetical, so.
James Acaster
Alphabetical.
Ed Gamble
Alphabetical. We went in alphabetical order. And the first guest on these tasting menu shows is Aisling B. The wonderful Aisling Bee came back to be given the menu of a previous guest. All will be revealed in the show.
James Acaster
Some stuff we talk about to Aisling won't make total sense. Cause there was a first half and we went on and talked in the first half just for context. Ed and I are just watched the Louis Faru manosphere documentary and in the first half did a lot of references to the manosphere.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
Saying people have been cooked talking about HS ticky talking and stuff. So like, you know, that might come up again in the second half. Yes, a little bit.
Ed Gamble
Yeah. It. So if you're like, I don't understand that joke.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
It's probably because you've not heard the first half and a lot of. A lot of comedians would make sure that didn't happen. But not us.
James Acaster
Not us. Not us. We were in the moment in the Royal Al. Were caught up in the present, really. We weren't thinking about the future where people would have to listen to it. And I guess, you know, sometimes people would say like, oh, why bother going to see a live podcast? They'll just release it as audio anyway. Well, that's why this is proof. This is proof that actually, you know, as much as you're going to enjoy listening to it now, there will be moments where you might feel a bit lost.
Ed Gamble
It's going to be nonsense to you
James Acaster
and that won't happen in the future if you, if you come.
Ed Gamble
But this is a fun episode. Enjoy. This is the off menu tasting menu of Ashley and B live at the Royal Albert Hall.
James Acaster
A gamble. Kick us off like only you can.
Ed Gamble
Okay, we're kicking off straight away, James.
James Acaster
Good.
Ed Gamble
There was a energy there in the interval. James was a bit ashamed of what he did in the first half. He's released an apology on the notes app. So everything's sorted now and thank you.
James Acaster
I was Spiraling.
Bombas Advertiser
I was spiraling.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Thank you.
Ed Gamble
And now you're going to go and get your mental health address. You're going to go into therapy.
James Acaster
Yes.
Ed Gamble
Yes. Good boy. Welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the. Taking the J2O of conversation, pouring it onto the cocoa pops of humor and then eating a load of fucking disgusting stinky eggs as well, you horrible man.
James Acaster
That is a gamble. My name is James A. Castle. Together we own a gentleman. And every single week we invite in the guests. We ask them their favorite ever start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this is the tasted menu.
Ed Gamble
Woohoo. Where we invite back an old guest, a fan favorite and fan favorite. This episode's fan favorite from a previous episode, we will be giving the menu of another previous guest, fan favorite. And this. This guest, James, did the podcast ages ago.
James Acaster
The first series. The first ever series.
Ed Gamble
The first ever series. One truly one of our favorites. One of our favorite people in the world. I think we should just get on with it, James.
James Acaster
Yeah, let's bring out Aisling and give her another guest menu. So here we go. This is not the off menu menu of Aisling B.
Aisling Bea
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Ashley was starting a new podcast. Will you come on now? All right, lads. I'll lend my celebrity jazz to your little podcast. Wants it about spurt menus. Oh, okay. Well, that'll never work, but I'll do it anyways, boys, what's for starters? Me eating my words.
James Acaster
You were very nice coming on our podcast where no one listened to it and it was early days. You gave us a chance, Ashley, and we appreciate it.
Aisling Bea
I did, boys. I saw something in you. I thought, look, these guys have got no personality. They're both the same height. That's not gonna work.
Ed Gamble
Don't lead with no personality though.
Aisling Bea
You know what I mean, Ed, you're stretching it at this stage, but diabetes, this, diabetes. You can't live a life just talking about your diabetes, Ed.
Ed Gamble
Doing pretty well out of it. Got a.
Aisling Bea
That's true.
Ed Gamble
Some diabetics, they only get to sit in the audience.
Aisling Bea
That's true. They have to sit down because they're so tired from having diabetes. I understand that wasn't the best opening. Of course. Welcome everyone with diabetes type 1 and 2.
Ed Gamble
Here's what I. One of the many things I remember from your episode, Aisling, is that James was 45 minutes late.
James Acaster
Yeah, that was the only episode I've been late for still to this day. I slept in.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
And I woke up and a lot of messages from Bonito going, where the hell are you? Ashling's here. She's been here for ages now to turn up really, really late and say, I was so, so sorry and it's never happened again, so thanks.
Aisling Bea
Because you cared more about the people who came after me or why? Why? Was it Nick? Was that why you just didn't really. It's fine. This has turned into like a group therapy chat between three friends that you guys have to watch. Thanks for having me on, guys.
Ed Gamble
You're most welcome. We are delighted to have you on for the. For the opening night at the Albert Hall.
Aisling Bea
Woohoo.
Ed Gamble
James, we do need to kick it off properly, though, because at the moment you are a mere man and we need you to be a genie.
James Acaster
Yes.
Aisling Bea
Oh, yes, you're doing something sexist now, James, for a change. It's a character.
Ed Gamble
Okay, Aisling, how would one traditionally get a genie out of a lamp, would you say?
Aisling Bea
Oh, like, I'd get many things out of things with a spout head. I'd give it a good rub.
Ed Gamble
Would you care to give the spout a rub?
Aisling Bea
Oh, God.
Ed Gamble
Hang on, you set that up. You can't.
Aisling Bea
I know, yeah. Oh, you're not going to turn this into a meme or something now, are you? I suppose you don't have to rub that.
Ed Gamble
You don't.
Aisling Bea
You said give it a rub. Oh, God.
James Acaster
Welcome back to be back to the team.
Ed Gamble
That's my face.
Aisling Bea
It's not my clothes.
James Acaster
Right, in the face.
Aisling Bea
Am I pregnant now? Oh, no.
James Acaster
That was a real shame.
Ed Gamble
I really, like. I really. You didn't have to rub the spout, mate. Honestly, in Aladdin, he doesn't wank off the spout, does he?
James Acaster
You can.
Ed Gamble
You can rub the main body of the lamp.
Aisling Bea
See, now, hindsight's, you know, a fine thing when you're on the other side of it. Yeah, I suppose I didn't have to wank off the spout.
Ed Gamble
No, you just rub the tummy of the lamp because I know. That works for me. All you need to do is rub my tummy
James Acaster
a little.
Aisling Bea
Look into how Ed Gamble gets an erection there. Like, just rub his tummy.
Ed Gamble
Rub my tummy. Big old boner.
James Acaster
The new catchphrase.
Aisling Bea
No, I really enjoyed that, James.
James Acaster
Huh?
Aisling Bea
I really enjoy that, James.
James Acaster
Thank you.
Ed Gamble
Sorry, James is 41.
James Acaster
Whose menu are you hoping for? Ashton, we're giving you an old guest's menu. Oh, is there anyone in particular?
Aisling Bea
Well, do you know, in terms of the first series. So we were on the first series of this or maybe he came on the second one. In my episode, I talked about my birthday, which is on Monday. Oh, my God. If they bring out a cake.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
To be fair, you said this to us. You said this to us backstage just before we came on for the second half. You're like, is there going to be a cake? We're like, I didn't know it was your birthday.
Aisling Bea
It's a food podcast. So, like, yes. Oh, I'll leave it as a surprise. I'll leave it as a surprise.
Ed Gamble
Yeah, let's. Let's leave it as a surprise forever.
Aisling Bea
So, yeah, so I. I was talking about how my birthday's day for St. Patrick's Day and I won a he. There's my people. And we're all like little rats coming in now. Yes. We're the immigrants. People are like, we can't. Because that invisible border, we can't get them back.
Ed Gamble
And you're like, ha.
Aisling Bea
So, yes, I was talking about St. Patrick's Day and I got really hammered and I had to do the St. Patrick's Day gig in Leicester Square. And I was like, hello there, happy St. Patrick's Day. And then I went to burger and lobster with Darrow Breen and I think ARD Lohanlon. And in the podcast, I do remember saying what was so lovely about going to this place was I was covered in butter, but I didn't fancy anyone at the table, so it was fine. I could just be at one, finally eating food after vomiting up from St Patrick's Day so long. And Dara got really offended that I didn't fancy him. He's like, so, yeah, listen to the AOLA podcast. And didn't know he didn't fancy me. And I was like, what? Didn't give it away.
James Acaster
The bib.
Aisling Bea
Me covered in butter going, hide Yormith if you don't eat them at the end, Dara. So, yeah, so maybe Dara's.
James Acaster
Yeah, yeah.
Aisling Bea
Because I would love to go for dinner with him sometime and I mean, I can't.
Ed Gamble
It's such an insight into Dara's break. Do you think he just walks around assuming that everyone fancies it?
Aisling Bea
Ah, yeah. Tall men have a bit of that though, don't they?
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
You know, if you could see things up here.
James Acaster
Well, we haven't given you a tall man's menu.
Aisling Bea
Oh, no.
Ed Gamble
A weedy little boy.
James Acaster
He's a little little man.
Aisling Bea
Oh, no.
James Acaster
Okay, tonight, Ashton B. Yeah. You will be given the off menu menu of Josh Whitaker.
Ed Gamble
Oh, my God, that's Josh Whitaker. The photo was a last minute decision and we literally, what we said to Benito was just find quite a bad photo of Josh. That would be perfect. Can we just have another look at that? I absolutely love that photo. There he is.
James Acaster
Look at that. Absolute.
Aisling Bea
He looks like someone's a family pony.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Hello, Nibbles. She's like a sugar lump.
James Acaster
What do you think about Josh Widdop's menu? Do you think you'll like it or not like it before you've even heard it?
Aisling Bea
I think he's maybe surprisingly spicy, old Joshy.
Ed Gamble
Maybe surprisingly spicy.
Verizon Advertiser
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
I just think he'd surprise us by enjoying heat. Would he? I don't know.
James Acaster
Have you had a meal with Josh before? Have you ever.
Aisling Bea
Oh, God, I've, I, I've definitely had loads of. I like to go around. I'm not technically a doctor, but then who is? Do you know what I mean? But I have often diagnosed Josh as having the upside down stomach disease. You know what's that called? What is it? Colic. Not colic, more serious. Something upside down. Like your tummy's upside down.
Ed Gamble
Upside down stomach disease, boy.
Aisling Bea
Eternity. Inside out. Around and round. It's a type of tummy issue where your digestive goes. Have to go down to go up.
Ed Gamble
So do they have to eat through their butt and shit through their mouth?
Aisling Bea
Yes. Josh Whitaker. I've had dinner with him. I just told you. No, I think he's got an upside down tummy, which is a real thing. It's not exactly colic because I've seen him at events when I one time watched him vomit on a plug and we were like, oh, is this gonna burn down? But it didn't. In fairness. Place didn't burn down, but he often would get. Has a bit of a dicky tom from. Yeah, yeah.
James Acaster
He used to yak all the time.
Aisling Bea
Oh, he yapped everywhere.
James Acaster
Benito, if you've googled upside down tummy disease, you can put it on the monitors so we can solve this. That would be great. It is a thing at the minute. We just got heckled by the word colic. It wasn't the most cheery thing when it happened on a Friday of the alcohol.
Aisling Bea
Colic. Colic.
James Acaster
You're thinking of colic? No. Okay. I'm just trying to help.
Ed Gamble
Have you got it? Have you suddenly, suddenly remembered it?
Aisling Bea
Could it be hiatus hernia? Is it hiatus hernia? Oh, yes. In part. The seas and then I like run to you like Patrick Swayze and jump into your arms. Parasophageal hernia. That's Josh's drag name. Yes. So I have diagnosed him with that. He's never gone to a doctor. I haven't really googled him much. I just think that's what he has.
Ed Gamble
It doesn't sound like his menu's gonna be spicy then, does it? To be fair, I wouldn't risk spice if I had upside down tummy disease.
Aisling Bea
He doesn't think he does he?
Ed Gamble
No, he doesn't.
Aisling Bea
So he might be risking an E.
Ed Gamble
He thinks everyone else's tummies are upside down.
James Acaster
Yeah, yeah.
Aisling Bea
He is an Australian inside, but very much an English outside.
Ed Gamble
Yes, yes.
James Acaster
So racist both times.
Aisling Bea
Lovely work there, James.
James Acaster
Thank you. Now, your dream meal for your water course, you chose still water. So I guess you're hoping for that from Josh's menu as well.
Aisling Bea
Yes, I would. Well, as, again, speaking as a doctor, I wouldn't want someone with an upside down stomach having bubbles, you know, so I would want him to have still water to just get that H2O into him. You know, hydration is really important when you have something wrong with your stomach. I'm trying to embrace the sort of doctor character.
Ed Gamble
This will be a good opportunity as well because we'll run through your menu alongside to remind you of what you picked.
Aisling Bea
Good.
Ed Gamble
And you can, if you want to make changes as we go through this to your dream menu, you can absolutely do that.
Aisling Bea
I get to do a live edit also, can I just say, which is very nice. And again, I don't know if it's like teeing up to the birthday cake, but the lads did leave me bread and Kerrygold butter, which was my. Yes. Do you know that I mentioned Kerrygold on this podcast at the start? This podcast has turned into this and I have yet to be sent. I know it's hard to post, but a free thing of butter.
Ed Gamble
That's disgraceful.
Aisling Bea
In all the years.
Ed Gamble
They should send you the cow.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
James Acaster
It has become a running thing on the podcast Kerrygold.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
James Acaster
And you started it.
Aisling Bea
Thank you very much.
Ed Gamble
Every Irish guest has picked Kerrygold butter. Yeah. And if they haven't, I think they've had their passport taken away.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Yeah. They do. They get sent back to the moon.
James Acaster
The moon, the moon, the moon.
Ed Gamble
No.
Aisling Bea
Yes. The.
James Acaster
Josh Widdicombe's tummy would go crazy on the moon.
Ed Gamble
Oh, man.
Grow Therapy Advertiser
Oh, my God.
Aisling Bea
He'd be like, oh, God.
Bombas Advertiser
Oh, no.
Aisling Bea
This is a small step for people with Parasophical Hyde. Yes. And you also left me my dessert backstage as well. Or a version of it. My pecan tart.
Ed Gamble
This is really nice that you think me and James had anything to do with this. The lads left me bread and Kerrygold butter, and me and James looking at each other going, no, I didn't fucking do that. Did you do that?
Aisling Bea
Oh, my God. It was bonito.
Ed Gamble
It was bonito.
James Acaster
It was bonito.
Aisling Bea
Guys, do you think Benito's in love with me? Oh, my gosh, yes.
Ed Gamble
Here's the question. If you went for dinner with Benito, would you. Would you put any of that butter around your face and would you wear a bib?
Aisling Bea
Oh, my God. I definitely put the butter on my face, hoping that maybe he'd reach across and put a piece of bread on my face to get it off.
James Acaster
Oh, my God.
Aisling Bea
I don't know why I can continue this show. I'm too horny.
James Acaster
Well, we got you just how we want you. Let's start the menu. Ashnik. Okay, this is Josh Whittaker. Watercourse, you like still water. And he's gone for sparkling water and
Ed Gamble
a cup of tea.
Aisling Bea
So, you know, back in my day when I did this podcast, you weren't allowed a cup of tea because that is delicious to me. I would, of course, have a cup of tea if I started. Delicious. What type of tea, though? You can't just say a cup of tea.
Ed Gamble
I think he did just say a cup of tea.
James Acaster
You know, I guess you could have whatever cup of tea you would like.
Aisling Bea
Didn't even specify how much milk does he put the bag in first? Is to put the milk in first, because obviously nobody with a good brain does that for a sign of psychopathy. Not in the John Ronson book about psychopaths, but if you put the milk in first, then I don't know.
Ed Gamble
So is it milk? So the milk in first and then
Aisling Bea
the neck, as they say, milk in first, murder second.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Again, I'm no psychologist, but then who is? But that's a surefire way to work it out. Yes. And then you have to specify. Do you want sugar in there? Sugar in your tea after 35. Are you a baby? Pull yourself together.
Ed Gamble
Whoa.
Aisling Bea
I mean it. I mean it. Mrs. Over there with your baby fruit juice on your. Come on. We need to get ourselves together now. Okay.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Did you used to put sugar in your tea and then there was a conscious decision. I've grown out of this now.
Aisling Bea
Yes. The government got in touch. They send a letter to your house. You're no longer a wizard, Ari, and you just have to sort of hold on.
Ed Gamble
We don't mention that.
James Acaster
Yeah, I told you, you weren't a wizard anymore.
Aisling Bea
You're no longer a wizard. We're taking aback.
Ed Gamble
What's your.
Aisling Bea
Because of your belief of human rights.
Ed Gamble
Could you take us through Aisling, do
Aisling Bea
something for the woke people. Not you, James.
James Acaster
I hate it. I love Harry Potter.
Aisling Bea
You're playing Hagrid in the new movie, aren't you?
James Acaster
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be Hagrid. Me and Nick Frost are playing it together. I'm on his back like Banjo Kazooie.
Ed Gamble
Could you take us through Aisling? Me's perfect cup of tea, please.
Aisling Bea
Yes, I will. Thank you.
James Acaster
Ashlyn. Tea.
Ed Gamble
Cup of bee.
Aisling Bea
Aisling, tea is a Barry's tea bag. Yes. So Irish people. Do you know that there's now and again they'll never send me any free stuff when I mention on this podcast there's. So it's a gold label. Barry's tea is the Irish Tea bags. They're in a red box, but they've just done a black box. And it is so delicious. Especially if you've hard water in your area. It mixes very well with hard water. Boil that kettle. It must be boiled. James, don't ever put cold water on a tea bag. Yeah, James. And leave it in for about a minute. Then ouchy pop, come over a full fat milk. Don't be semi skimmed again. That's too far into adulthood. You can baby yourself a little bit by going full fat, creamy, nice milk. In we go. Good old drop. You want it to be the right level of brown. And then we give it a twirl and then we put a twirl into it. Because you can't be putting sugar in it because that's for babies. But you can put a full twirl. That's the hack. You can put a full twirl into it. Let her dip, but be very careful. You have to. In, be brave, be brave.
Ed Gamble
Out.
Aisling Bea
And then pop. Delicious, sexy cup of tea.
James Acaster
I mean, does actually sound nice. The twirl. I think there's enough people in here that someone will try that.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Because within the twirl, you've got the things we can act as a straw as well. So the second time you go in with the twirl, you bite off the. The head of it like a prawn. Very much the prawns of the chocolate world. The twirls. And then you put it in and you suck the tea up and then through the twirl. So again, don't have sugar. Don't be a baby. But you'll get some of that sweet sugar on the way up as it comes in through the twirl.
Ed Gamble
Don't mind it, but don't be a baby.
Aisling Bea
But don't be a baby.
Ed Gamble
People do that with Tim Tams, right? You know Tim Tams?
Aisling Bea
I do know Tim Tams because my boyfriend does Australian.
Ed Gamble
So. Yes, of course I remember my. My friend went on a gap year to Australia and he came back, he was like, wait. Wait till you see this. And he pulled out a bag of Tim Tams, bit the end off both ends, and then sucked his cup of tea. And it's the hardest I've ever seen anyone suck at anything. So watch this. It's so cool. I'm so glad I didn't take a gap year.
Aisling Bea
Isn't. Because they don't really do gap years in Ireland. Isn't a gap year supposed to, like. No offense to Australians, including the one who got me pregnant, but isn't a gap year supposed to broaden your horizons and understanding of the world?
Ed Gamble
Yeah, well, he wasn't sucking teeth through a bourbon before he went.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, that's true.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
He discovered something new.
Aisling Bea
Just. It's not exactly a. A magical carpet ride to go to Australia and come back with Tim Tams, man. Yeah. I'm glad he took the year.
James Acaster
I've got a magic carpet, though. I could take them there.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, yeah, no, I've heard about it.
James Acaster
It's official now. I've got one.
Aisling Bea
What are you gonna pop it ups off red.
James Acaster
Pops off red, Ashton B. Pop it ups off red. But it's not pop, Ashton B.
Aisling Bea
God, you actually scared the out of me there.
James Acaster
It felt great. Fellas, you got a scare.
Aisling Bea
Ladies. James, spot the red flags early. Call the police.
Ed Gamble
James, do remember when you do callbacks to that that when the podcast is put out, they won't include the first half.
James Acaster
I trust Benito will be on my side in the edit. Remove anything that doesn't make any sense. Benito, I'm sorry I bully you off Mike. Pop dogs. About Josh Whitakem, of course, is the question. And Josh Whitakem said, a pile of 90s poppadoms with mainly the yogurt dip, mango chutney, and lime pickle. Now it's Josh Whitaker. So, of course the 90s was going to come up, but what does 90s poppadoms mean to you, Ashley? But be.
Aisling Bea
I don't know, because I only really had, like. I didn't even have pasta until about the 2000s because there just didn't. The first time I had spaghetti, I think I was 16 and it was My neighbor's French friend who said, irish
Ed Gamble
laws are weird, aren't they? You have to wait.
Aisling Bea
It was just a different time. Like, you can have spaghetti. And I was like, oh, what?
James Acaster
I don't know.
Aisling Bea
We're not, you know, bit much for us now. I didn't know about that. And she put ketchup and grated cheese over and she's like, that's Italian food. And I was like, jesus, that's lovely. That was the first time I ever had spaghetti. So I didn't have a papadam. I'd say I didn't have any. Definitely didn't. I don't think I'd had Indian food until I moved to London. I didn't have Italian food until I was about 16. I didn't.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
So I. 90s Papadom is. Is. Is. Is doesn't have a reference to me.
James Acaster
Yeah, I was talking to Pastor Leah over here has a question for you. Leah, do you want to ask a question? Leah went home in the interval.
Aisling Bea
I've seen.
James Acaster
What a way to find that out.
Aisling Bea
Oh, Leah, were you. Is she still over there?
James Acaster
Do.
Aisling Bea
I mean, wow, that was a real feminine. Remember her name?
Ed Gamble
James.
Aisling Bea
She had the name James. She has a name.
Ed Gamble
I cannot believe this shit, man. I just say the first girl's name that comes to my head. I call all girls Lear because I like to leer at them.
Aisling Bea
Is it Lauren? I'm so sorry about that. Lauren, if you don't pass that, you are seen, you are heard, and you have a name. Though I will say Lauren in terms of like, where's the girl who was talking about the pasta? You probably should have worked out it was you.
Ed Gamble
Thank you for saying that. That's fine.
James Acaster
An ally.
Aisling Bea
Ally. Ally on the streets. Hates you in the sheets. I don't know. Oh, yes, the past thing. Well, I would like to think my favorite one to eat is one that looks like an airplane neck pillow. What's that one? You know the one, it looks like a macaroni. No, no, no. It's got stuff inside in it.
Ed Gamble
Are you thinking of an airplane neck pillow? Have you?
Aisling Bea
I am, yes. You know when you put pasta inside an airplane neck pillow? Back to sleep we go.
Ed Gamble
Lauren's question is. And she asks this to everyone. Would you like to ask it to Aisling?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, go on. If you wear a pastor shape.
Ed Gamble
If you were a pastor shape.
Aisling Bea
If you were a pastor shape, what Pastor Shay would be? Yes, I repeat my answer. The airplane neck P. What is that? But also, Lauren, did you not say, are you second generation Italian? Yes. Oh, you. So you speak it. Oh, why don't you ask me in Italian, Lauren? You can't just say tiramisu. Tiramisu, Tiramisu. Oh, do you not have any Italian? That's totally fine if you don't. Oh, you don't have any Italian. Oh, okay. Well, The one with the. The filling in it and it's all rolled up.
Ed Gamble
Catalonia.
Aisling Bea
Tortellini. Tortellini.
Ed Gamble
Tortellini is smaller though, isn't it, than a neck pillow?
Aisling Bea
Yes, it is.
Ed Gamble
I was thinking the size of a neck pillow here.
James Acaster
We're not coming across great.
Ed Gamble
Don't say we try and drag me into your cesspit of sexism.
James Acaster
So you got your ratios off with the pasta. I thought that's good enough. Come over here with me.
Aisling Bea
I'm going to get the video of you forcing me to do that to the spout of that thing and then just leave that without comment and get you cancelled.
James Acaster
I am behind the thing. So you could just dub it over with anything. You could get AI to do my voice and be like, that's it, wank off the spout.
Ed Gamble
Well, no need to get AI to do it now.
Aisling Bea
Just do that then.
James Acaster
Said it completely clean with no background as well. Chop that up and use it anywhere.
Ed Gamble
Guarantee Benito's done that already and we can play at the end of the show.
James Acaster
Straight in there. God damn it, Benito.
Ed Gamble
So you'd be the. You'd be a tortellini.
Aisling Bea
Yes. But then being Irish, maybe the one with a potato in it is noki. Oh, Oh, I wish. Do you know what, if I thought about that for longer, I'd be like gnocchi. Gnocchi. Who's there? Aisling Tea. Aisling tea who? Birthday cake.
James Acaster
That's my favorite pasta.
Ed Gamble
Birthday cake.
Aisling Bea
Birthday cake.
James Acaster
HS Noki gnocchi.
Aisling Bea
That was a good noki gnocchi joke.
James Acaster
Yeah, I like your noki. No joke.
Ed Gamble
Yeah, it's a good noki gnocchi joke where you just said some things you remember from 10 minutes ago.
James Acaster
So that's. So you wanted bread when you came on the podcast with Kerrygold butter. Of course, sourdough bread. So this is not really the kind of vibe you would go for for your drink meal.
Ed Gamble
But would you have poppadoms now? Are you a poppadom family?
Aisling Bea
I have a big Indian family now. My brother in law is Indian. So we eat loads of Indian food now. Woo. Yes to a big. A big shout out to the. The Carolyn's in the audience is any Carolyn's. So we Eat a lot of Carolyn food as well, in particular. So, yes, I would have. Would have a lot of Papa Doms. They do take the piss out of me because sometimes they're like, is that Papa Dom too spicy for you? And I'm like, no, I can just about manage it because I'm still not great with heat. I'm good with spice, but I'm still not great with heat.
James Acaster
Josh would have come if you're. Would you want to eat this meal with Josh?
Aisling Bea
See, I'm now starting to think that man, that man, that man.
James Acaster
Got the picture of Josh up again, please.
Aisling Bea
Yes, please.
James Acaster
Yes, please.
Aisling Bea
Sad pony. Come on.
Ed Gamble
I love this. He's not even here. Every time a picture of him appears, everyone laughs.
Aisling Bea
My Little Pony, I think, might not be able to trust spice. And I'll tell you why. It's because he really focused on the yogurt part of the dip.
Ed Gamble
He really does.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
He wanted mostly. Mostly yogurt dip with it.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, I put yogurt on everything.
Ed Gamble
Do you?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, I put yogurt on absolutely everything. It's. But I would put. I'll put yogurt on you. A castor if I had the chance.
James Acaster
Clip that up.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
James Acaster
Give me something to fight back.
Aisling Bea
Yes. I love you. So I think he might be a bit of me kneading.
Ed Gamble
Okay. So you would eat this meal with Josh so far?
Aisling Bea
Yes.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yes.
Aisling Bea
Fantastic.
James Acaster
What's your favorite thing to put yogurt on before we move on?
Aisling Bea
Oh. Oh. Do you know what? I don't mind? Bit of poached salmon on a piece of toast, bit of kimchi on top of that, and a bit of yogurt on top of that.
James Acaster
Sounds very fancy. Very nice.
Aisling Bea
Yeah. Layers top. That's another one. You can't be eating with someone you fancy. Just. It's yogurt and Kim. It's. It's not a. No bueno. As Lauren wouldn't say, because she doesn't Italian.
James Acaster
It's just checking if it's a plain yogurt. Plain yogurt. Not Crunch Corner, is it?
Ed Gamble
Yeah,
Aisling Bea
no, it's a petty flu. Yeah, I'm a baby. Sometimes a big, thick Greek yogurt or a Lavena. Don't mind a Lavena. Oh, God, I should have eaten before I did the podcast. And I realized.
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James Acaster
Let's get into Josh's menu proper then your dreams. Well, this is Josh Widdicom's dream starter. You will be eating two slices of toast.
Ed Gamble
Oh.
James Acaster
One with Marmite and one with marmalade.
Aisling Bea
Crazy Paddington Bear.
Ed Gamble
Oh, my gosh. Well, let's. Let's check the picture of him quickly.
James Acaster
Is he Paddington Bear? Let's see the picture, please.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
Aisling Bea
Straight in from Peru, Josh Whitakem.
James Acaster
You'd lose a marmalade sandwich in that hair.
Ed Gamble
Yes, he is the most Paddington of all the comedians, I think.
Aisling Bea
Yes, he is.
Ed Gamble
I can imagine him escorting the queen to the afterlife.
Aisling Bea
No, it's this way. No, no, no, it's definitely this way. No, over here.
Ed Gamble
After life.
Aisling Bea
This way.
Ed Gamble
Come this way.
James Acaster
Mom, was that. When did that happen?
Ed Gamble
So James isn't online. We need to explain quite a lot of these things to him. When the queen died, did you not know?
Aisling Bea
I'm so sorry.
James Acaster
The only woman I like. Yeah, that's when the queen died.
Ed Gamble
A picture went around the Internet so that someone had done seriously, like a drawing of. It's like their backs, but it was Paddington, like, leading. Leading the queen off, I think. I can't remember exactly what the caption was written under it. It was something like. Like, that's enough for you now. Or something like. It wasn't that. It wasn't that.
Aisling Bea
Now, now, all finished.
Ed Gamble
Something like now, now, all finished.
Aisling Bea
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Ed Gamble
Benito. Find that picture and put it up on the big screen.
Aisling Bea
He's taking her to hell.
Ed Gamble
I think the person who drew it was, was probably pro queen and was insinuating heaven. Really? Oh, it would be good if the next picture is Paddington taking his face off and it's the devil.
James Acaster
You have lived an awful life. Yeah.
Ed Gamble
A toasted marmalade sandwich on his horns. Ben.
James Acaster
I'm not in charge of the screen is what Benito's written there.
Aisling Bea
Thank you, Benito.
James Acaster
Bad luck, Benito. I didn't know there'd been a mutiny backstage and he's lost all of his. He's tied to an office chair. I'm not in charge of the skate. Get help.
Aisling Bea
It's me, Benita. Stop laughing.
James Acaster
I got her a scream.
Ed Gamble
Benito, can you find out what the caption was on the Paddington and Queen picture and put it up on the little screen for us, please? I'm just curious.
James Acaster
Now, are you going to prefer the Marmite or the Marmalade toast again?
Aisling Bea
I'm going out with an Australian who recently presented a piece of toast to my Irish mother who'd never had Marmite before and she thought it was Nutella, and she, like, had been hit by the devil or in an exorcist. Just went against the wall, just like. No, I've never eaten something so disgraceful in my life. So Marmite is in the house. Not for me. But I don't find Marmite that. Marmite?
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Like, I'm like, it's.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
It's.
Aisling Bea
It's. It's fine.
Ed Gamble
Sorry to interrupt. It was. Thank you, mom, for everything.
James Acaster
What did you say? For everything.
Ed Gamble
Thank you, mom, for everything.
Aisling Bea
But what did you think it was?
Ed Gamble
Oh, come on now. All done. This is the same sort of same meaning, in a way. Is Marmite not a thing in Ireland?
Aisling Bea
No, not really. Wouldn't you say? Irish people in. We don't really. No, no. We'll move here, but we won't accept your ways. We'll make love to your men, we'll pay the odd bit of tax, but we won't take your spreads.
Ed Gamble
Is there an equivalently noxious spread in Ireland?
Aisling Bea
Again, the only spice is salt. So just butter, really. It probably is. Butter is the equivalent, I don't think. We do have an equivalent spread. Marmalade is really big. It's a real big. Like Granddad's breakfast. Apparently it came from Queen Marie of somewhere. Or Mary. No, Queen Mary of probably England. I probably should have researched this at some point. Was sick. And vitamin C is obviously in oranges. And her chef, who was French, was basically like, marie, my lad Mary is sick, and he made her, like, an orange concoction. And that was where marmalade came from. So is this QI or is this off menu?
James Acaster
And that's actually how it came to be.
Ed Gamble
I may be the first to say to Queen Mary, thank you, mom, for everything.
James Acaster
In the words of Winnie the Pooh, eat that sandwich.
Ed Gamble
So you don't. Sorry, I interrupted before, because I got the caption. You don't find Marmite to that. Marmite.
Aisling Bea
Yeah. You know, there's, like, oh, it's a bit Marmite for me. Like, you either hate it or you love it. I'm sort of like, oh, I don't. It's not going to. The metaphor doesn't work with me.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
So you can. You can retool that phrase now you can use. That's a bit Marmite.
Grow Therapy Advertiser
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
How was your day? Marmite? Yeah, fine.
James Acaster
It's fine. I'm not bothered either way.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, exactly.
James Acaster
They can't market that, I guess.
Aisling Bea
No, it's hard. It is a harder push. It's fine. You could get something else if you wanted to, but if it's there, why not Marmite?
James Acaster
Marmite. Some of you will like it just fine.
Aisling Bea
And also because I have to mention it for Jack, it's Vegemite is the Australian one. If they're Australians in. Of course, there always are Irish and Australians, us cheeky lads. And yes, they are very passionate to being Vegemite. I don't totally see the difference. Just don't really.
James Acaster
Is that. I mean, Australians who are in. What is the difference?
Aisling Bea
Oh, my God. I heard someone over there go, so much.
Ed Gamble
So much.
Aisling Bea
Can't even explain who said, so much over there.
James Acaster
Does it sound like. Sounds like just so every time.
Aisling Bea
So what does it mean? Cargo impasse, Sort of salt and petrol or something. What's in it?
Ed Gamble
Yeast. It's yeast extract. It's the thing that's left over from brewing, I believe.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Okay.
Ed Gamble
Was it on your series that you had to make Marmite of Taskmaster?
Aisling Bea
Oh, God, it was, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't remember anything I did, truly. I had to try and remember what I said in his podcast today. Yes, I did in Taskmaster have to make Marmite. You don't remember what I did because you did a podcast and I did that podcast with you. Yes, master, yes.
James Acaster
Hold on a second. I think I've done a podcast with you as well. Oh, I know where I know you're from. All night it's been bugging me. Who's this handsome guy?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, I did have to make taskmaster to Marmite. I suppose I can't. Well, it's not going to be a great anecdote because I can't remember what I did or there were a lot of things I did on that show that I don't totally remember, but. Oh, do the memes remind me that I took my trousers off?
James Acaster
Well, let's say that for this course, the Marmite you've got on the toast is made by one of the taskmaster contestants from your Series.
Ed Gamble
This is a great question, by the way, before you ask it.
James Acaster
Thank you, Ed.
Aisling Bea
I love your guys relationship. You guys are clearly fucking. I'm so into it. I adore this.
Ed Gamble
Okay, Aisling, and before you answer, I'm happy to remind you of who you're on taskmaster with.
Aisling Bea
Yes. Yes.
Bombas Advertiser
Nish.
Aisling Bea
Thank you, Nish. Bob Mortimer, Sally Phillips, and Mark Watson.
Ed Gamble
Well done.
James Acaster
Yeah. Which one of them do you want to make the marmite?
Aisling Bea
For you, I would trust the most. I don't think Nish can cook at all.
Ed Gamble
Correct.
Aisling Bea
We know this, Bob. I wouldn't trust him to put together something I would eat at all. He'd sort of get lost in the clouds or something like that in some way. Mark. Sally would make something I'd have to eat because I love her so much. But it wouldn't be delicious. But Mark Watson would try to do it exactly right. He would over research, he would try to get. He would lose his mind in the process of trying to put together a marmite and it would be probably delicious.
James Acaster
I think that's the correct answer.
Aisling Bea
Yes. But I think he just really commit. He'd learn how to cook for the task.
Ed Gamble
I think it is the good answer. Yeah.
James Acaster
You chose calamari when you came on the podcast as a starter, and you might have even been the first person to choose that very popular starter again, a trendsetter. Would that still be your dream starter now?
Aisling Bea
Very interesting. Would it still be my dream starter? Maybe not. Maybe I've grown. Maybe I'm a big girl now and I can change. Yeah. No, I probably would probably pick it. I love it. It's really good too. Daisy. You can dip it in things. Little rings. It's kind of like a fancy hula hoop.
James Acaster
You know, that thing there. Has anyone seen the new trailer for the Spielberg film where Emily Blunt starts speaking an alien language? It was exactly like that. You should see the trailer. Emily Blunt just is reading the news or something, and then she starts going. And you're meant to be like, whoa, this is an incredible alien film. You're like, why is Ebony Blood beatboxing on the news? So when you did all the calamari stuff, it was like that. You're like,
Aisling Bea
see, here's the thing about acting that's very hard on the day. You're like, I might win an Oscar. And then when they edit it together and it's such pants. You're so shooketh that you didn't sort like in your head you thought you were the best actor. And then they. Yeah, they do you dirty in the edit. But I bet she was like. They were like, emily, we love it, so we need more. It's gonna people like, oh, no, she's an alien. But that's probably what happens. You put your trust in so many people when you do something.
James Acaster
I'm never doubting Blunt for a second.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, James or Emily.
James Acaster
Yeah, James Blunt.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
I'm never doubting. Sorry, I didn't know we were talking about Emily Blunt. As we've already covered, your main course was lobster.
Aisling Bea
Yes.
James Acaster
Now, Josh Whitakem, famously vegetarian, so unlikely that it's going to be lobster, but you can still have this main course with Dara and with Ardell if you want it. This is Josh Whitakem's dream main course.
Aisling Bea
Franco manca pizza number five. Wasn't that a song in the 90s? I like a plain starter. I like a plain mane I even like a tea weather book. Franco Manga pizza revive. No anchovies, added chili. Oh. And yet the sad pony has just kicked his back leg and a side salad. It's like he's all men everywhere. He is all of us. Joshua, by the way, that's what's so beautiful about him.
Ed Gamble
I think it's Franco Manson. Franco Manca pizza number five. No anchovies. It looked like it could be Franco Manta. Franco Manca Pizza no. 5, no anchovies. It's not. The five is the number.
Aisling Bea
I think the five is. It's not Frankenbanker Pizza no. 5. No,
Ed Gamble
the band five come in and try and eat his pizza.
James Acaster
He is very obsessed with the 90s, so that probably is a legitimate Josh Whitaker concern, is that five might come in and eat his pizza.
Ed Gamble
Five.
James Acaster
Oh, no. They slammed Dung to the Funk all over my pizza.
Ed Gamble
But yes, A1, you know, is that a.
Aisling Bea
Is that a famous type of pizza? Frank Oman. You don't remember A1 number five, huh?
Ed Gamble
You don't remember A1?
James Acaster
What A1? Do you remember A1, Ashton?
Aisling Bea
Do I remember which A1?
James Acaster
Apparently.
Aisling Bea
A1.
James Acaster
Apparently. That's the thing. It's a road, isn't it?
Aisling Bea
Oh, no. I was thinking of the boy band.
Ed Gamble
Yes, it was that you sent Aha
James Acaster
at me just now. I'm going nuts.
Aisling Bea
They did a cover of Aha.
Ed Gamble
What the fuck has happened to this episode?
James Acaster
You started talking about paper or roads, and I know what you're on about. What? What's A1?
Aisling Bea
A1 were a boy band in the 90s who did a cover of the Aha song Take Me On. Yes, you were talking About a British road. Okay, okay, okay.
Ed Gamble
My. My joke. A one was related to five. No, five, but yes, a one. And it didn't get a great reaction from the room because I think my reference was too specific. And I didn't drive it home enough, but I thought at least my friend James would back me up on it. Yeah, absolute sheer fucking confusion from this guy.
Aisling Bea
This is like if the movie A Beautiful Mind had no budget. Could I just ask Franco Manco? Franco Manco. Franco.
Ed Gamble
It's hard to say, isn't it? I've just realized.
Aisling Bea
Easy to do, hard to say. Franco Manco pizza number five. Does anyone here ever work there, or is that number five, a pizza? A type of. A special type of pizza?
James Acaster
Yeah. It's like all the pizzas are number one, two, three, four, five.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
And it's always the same.
Aisling Bea
I did assume that much to be.
James Acaster
So number five is always
Verizon Advertiser
what?
Aisling Bea
Before five, there's four other pizzas. James, tell me more your big facts.
James Acaster
I'm having a fucking nightmare. I'm having a nightmare.
Aisling Bea
Oh, wait, no. Benito has a message for us. Boys. Come on, Skip, let's go. Franco MANCA Pizza number five is Cantabrian anchovies, 100% Italian tomato, or as you call it, tomato, Lauren, mozzarella, kalmata, black olives, capers, garlic, and oregano. Or oregano. I'm so Hollywood.
Ed Gamble
What I would say is Josh doesn't want the anchovies on that, and if you remove the anchovies, it's a margarita.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
So he wants a margarita pizza, but with chilies on it. I think more chilies.
Aisling Bea
Yes. Maybe he wants to order a pizza so then he can ask for things removed. Because that's kind of a status thing, isn't it?
Ed Gamble
It's very la, isn't it?
Aisling Bea
Very la. Very showbiz. You know, I'd like a pizza. No cheese, no bread. Just the essence.
Ed Gamble
Just let me smell the oven.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, just let me smell the baker's hands, and then I'll leave my tip. Yes, okay. Okay. I can see. I think what Josh is looking for from this menu is a sense of safety and comfort and a hug. That's what feels like is going on with Joshy, doesn't it? A sense of my, who hurt you? I'll hug. I'll hug Josh. He's our friend, isn't he?
James Acaster
Yeah, he's our friend. I want to give him a little cuddle, see who hurt him.
Aisling Bea
Let's go see him now. Bye, guys. Come on, guys.
James Acaster
When you said about the la thing there. You were also the first person on the pod to ever mention Cafe Gratitude.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
Aisling Bea
Oh, yes.
James Acaster
Which is the place in LA where you have to order stuff by saying, you know, it's all called. What is it? It's like.
Ed Gamble
It's all the. All the dishes are called things like fortitude and strength and inner peace. And you have to order by saying, I would like strength or I am strength.
Aisling Bea
I think it is. Yes, I am gratitude. I am strength. And that means like a Franco Manzel pizza number five.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
I told you what happened to me at Cafe Gratitude. They came and asked me what I wanted to drink and I said, I am coffee. Because there's no. But I was having fun with it. I was like, there's no name for the coffee. And then they said, how do you want the coffee? And I, without thinking, said, I am black. Someone else say something now.
Aisling Bea
Hello, I'm Aisling. Be the new host of Off Menu podcast with James Acaster.
James Acaster
We're done.
Ed Gamble
We're done, man.
James Acaster
There's a man here tonight who punched a dad.
Ed Gamble
Deaf man in the ear. Yeah, Griff.
Aisling Bea
Do you know what, Griff? If you were laughing right now, you can talk. Yes. No, let's move on from. From that. If we can. If we can in any way. That's great.
Ed Gamble
We had the. Because it's a vegan cafe. When we went to Cafe Gratitude in LA together with Benito, we had the most vegan experience ever. So we walked in. It's already a vegan experience being in Cafe Gratitude. And guess who was sat in the cafe? Moby.
James Acaster
The OG Vegan.
Ed Gamble
The OG Vegan.
Aisling Bea
Moby. I always get mixed up between Moby. There's two songs. Is Moby. Is that Moby?
James Acaster
I don't think so. Who.
Aisling Bea
Who is that? Massive Attack.
Ed Gamble
Massive Attack.
Aisling Bea
Very good. Do you know what? More people should have said that. My girl's down the front. Thank you, ladies. Then Moby is
James Acaster
for the listener.
Aisling Bea
But it's. It's that same like. Isn't it, Moby? Moby is.
Ed Gamble
Moby is.
Aisling Bea
Sing to me, Edward.
Ed Gamble
Hi, I'm Moby.
Aisling Bea
What is. There's a famous Moby.
James Acaster
Yeah. No, that's. The lion sleeps tonight. Good try.
Aisling Bea
I am Moby. I'm really Moby. I'm a vegan. So sleep tonight.
James Acaster
A lovely vegan.
Ed Gamble
I won't eat you, Mr.
James Acaster
Lion.
Ed Gamble
Thanks for everything, ma'. Am.
Aisling Bea
What is the Moby song? Does anyone know if we're talking about.
Ed Gamble
A wimble, a wimble, you have to do it. If someone does it, you got to do it.
James Acaster
Yeah. You got to start going a wimble way.
Aisling Bea
It's like, come on, Eileen. What?
Ed Gamble
From Jason Bourne.
James Acaster
Jason Bourne.
Aisling Bea
You know the one. Oh, yeah. Wait, now let me think of the Jason Bourne soundtrack. Cause that always helps me remember a Moby Singer song.
James Acaster
Ironic that we can't remember something from Jason Bourne.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, just. Just someone sing the tune. We're in the Royal Albert Hall. The acoustics will make you sound amazing.
Ed Gamble
I. All I remember about Moby is he released his entire album for available for adverts. So he's been on that music's been on loads of adverts, but I couldn't remember one song.
James Acaster
The album.
Aisling Bea
These two girls are the only people who are really here tonight. I'm. Do you know what I. I. No, I'm not gonna ask my boyfriend to sing it. Like, he's like a musical encyclopedia. Yeah, sing the song.
Ed Gamble
We don't know the fucking song.
Aisling Bea
You sing the song. Why is everything on us tonight?
James Acaster
Feels like there's so much pressure on us to do the work.
Ed Gamble
Benito, if you can.
Aisling Bea
I haven't had my birthday cake yet.
Ed Gamble
Bonito, if you can wriggle out of your shackles. Can you play a Moby song?
James Acaster
A little bit of moniker in my. Mambo. Number five is the opposite of what we like in America.
Aisling Bea
I'm going to go over here and I hope someone over here will be able to sing. Oh, James. Is Kettering Town fc.
James Acaster
Yes.
Aisling Bea
I knew I knew the Moby song. Does anyone here know the Moby tune?
James Acaster
What?
Aisling Bea
We'll move on, but you get the phones out.
James Acaster
Do you know who I hope listens to this podcast? Moby.
Ed Gamble
He will be.
James Acaster
What a day. Ruin her for him. That's all of them.
Grow Therapy Advertiser
All Alba.
James Acaster
No one knows my song.
Ed Gamble
Yeah, he'll be crying into a wee end of Moby's day, just weeping into a bacon sandwich. I don't know myself that little lies like that.
Aisling Bea
I feel terrible because. Yes, what is it?
Ed Gamble
Yes, hush.
Aisling Bea
Let the people sing.
Ed Gamble
Oh, Lord, in my troubles with God don't nobody know.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, ain't nobody to hoot 80. That's what you were trying to do. That's what you were trying to do.
James Acaster
You said your worst version of it.
Aisling Bea
I just found that's what you were trying to do. And we all said you were foolish. We all said you were crazy. He knew. He knew. We didn't believe. The guy at the start was like, they're building a fort. There's a big wave coming, and we're like that crazy scientist. Well, that was a long walk for a ham sandwich.
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James Acaster
The question is, what is the side dish for this pizza? This is the drink side dish of Josh Whitaker Saag paneer.
Ed Gamble
Saag paneer.
Aisling Bea
Lovely. Very nice. But again, isn't too hot. I would feel Saag paneer.
Ed Gamble
It's, I'd say, one of the mildest
James Acaster
things in the world.
Aisling Bea
I love a bit of paneer. It's just like a lovely little chunky little texture when you get in there and you're like, oh, another bit and it's hard not to just eat it all immediately and then there's a sauce left. But I do like a cheeky little bit paneer. It's kind of like eating a pillow.
Ed Gamble
That's the second time you've talked about eating a pillow.
Aisling Bea
Is it?
James Acaster
Yes. You had a neck pillow that you were going to eat earlier. Now you're eating a pillow. Pillow.
Ed Gamble
Amazing that you'd forgotten you'd said that.
Aisling Bea
I did. I got so thrown by the Moby tangent, to be honest, and the people singing there and I thought it was a really beautiful moment. I'll never forget. What did Happen there? Yes. Paneer, saag paneer. Delicious choice, I would say.
Ed Gamble
Here's the question. Are you getting a slice of the pizza and dipping it into the saag paneer and scooping up a big bit?
Aisling Bea
Yes, yes, yes. I'm a big. Take the bits and make the little bits. Using little boats for using carbohydrates to make little breads and little alternative open sandwiches from the dinner that you have. Potato waffles. Stick it under things. Yum, yum, yum. Into the. Yes. Little tiny boats all filled with different products into your mouth each time. A new experience, a whole new world. Don't you dare close your eyes. As you'd say on your magic.
James Acaster
Are they my culture? You chose a lobster as the main and the mashed potato as a side. So are you scooping the lobster into the mashed potato?
Aisling Bea
No, because a lobster has its own shell. I would use a lobster, which is a harder texture, James, to put the mash onto. So then the lobster technically is acting as your bread and the potato is acting as your lobster.
Ed Gamble
How's it all going for you, Aisling, at the moment?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, I feel like. Like, I feel like Moby probably will feel after he. Is that. That is a song.
James Acaster
That is it.
Ed Gamble
That is it.
James Acaster
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had lost it again, I don't know what the song was. Try and find it sets him off. Those adverts, man.
Ed Gamble
Don't like those adverts.
James Acaster
I absolutely hated them for a while. And then one of them got me the one when she's running for the trade and she's got attended something. He's like, what is it? She goes. I was like, that must suck for that guy. Yeah. She got him with that.
Aisling Bea
I don't think I've ever genuinely seen you laugh.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
For people just listening, James is the most joyous any of us have ever seen him. Remembering Domino, who
James Acaster
is so funny in that one advert. And it works that it's bad for all the rest of them are annoying and I hate it. And then it gets me on that one.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
That lady is the way she delivers it to that guy.
Aisling Bea
James Acaster. Talk to me about some of your inspirations and what. What comedy drives you to do what you do. The Domino Hoo Hoo advert.
James Acaster
Absolutely. Domino. Let's come up with another Domino who who advert.
Ed Gamble
Okay.
James Acaster
Let's write it together and maybe Dominoes will be listening to this.
Ed Gamble
What are the hallmarks of the Domino who adverts that we definitely need to include? Domino who obviously they need to say.
James Acaster
I think the main rule of it is that they just need to say domino who? Who at the end. And there needs to be some. Some sort of build up to them saying that where you wouldn't expect them to say it. And it doesn't need to make any sense why they're saying it.
Aisling Bea
Permission to pitch.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
So I'm doing a tune and I'm like. And I'm like, domino hoo Hoo.
James Acaster
They're like, moby, that would be good if the advert is like this. Yeah. Live off menu Live. Trying to remember Ashton going, what's the Moby song? Yeah. And then someone puts their hand up and he stands up and it's Moby himself.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
They go, what was the song, Moby? And he goes, domino. That's good.
Ed Gamble
That is good.
James Acaster
Domino who. Who is funny, though?
Aisling Bea
I can see if you were up close to see the actual joy in this man in the real James Acaster's eyes from remembering the Dominoes advert. Beautiful thing to watch.
James Acaster
Oh, yeah.
Aisling Bea
I knew you were in there. Really, James?
Bombas Advertiser
Yeah.
James Acaster
Oh, there you are, Peter.
Aisling Bea
It's you, Peter.
James Acaster
That would be that if I were. If I was in Hook. If I was Robin Williams and Hook.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
They would be like that with my face. Oh, there you are, Peter. And I'm like, damn it,
Aisling Bea
James. As the lost boy did I fly
James Acaster
up at the air I found my happy force.
Aisling Bea
Domino hoo Hoo.
Ed Gamble
That would be a good caption for the Queen and Paddington picture.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
What?
James Acaster
Domino. Oh, that would be a great advert. It's Paddington and the Queen and they're walking through all the clouds. They get to the pearly gates and she looks at him and he goes, domino. And then he pushes her into hell.
Ed Gamble
Hooray, Paddington.
James Acaster
Burn in hell, Mom. May you burn forever in hell, Mom.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Woohoo.
Ed Gamble
That's perfect.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, I know they're going to be delighted with all the free press.
James Acaster
No, it's dream drink time.
Aisling Bea
Yes.
James Acaster
Your dream drink was a Love Me Good cocktail, which has never come back on the podcast, is you're the only one who's ordered a Love Me Good vermouth, cherry liqueur and whiskey. You still love a Love Me Good.
Aisling Bea
It was from. And I went back to the cocktail bar. It was from a cocktail bar in New York. Oh, my God, it was so delicious. And I keep on, what a surprise, forgetting the name of the cocktail bar because it was something like Airport Lounge, but it wasn't Airport Lounge. And I made a point to try and tell you guys and track it down afterwards and I have forgotten it again.
Ed Gamble
Oh, does anyone know what the name of the bar was? Thank you.
Aisling Bea
Very good. Domino Hoos. But since then I have changed it to. Is it a whiskey sour? Which is the one with the egg whites on top?
Ed Gamble
Yeah, Whiskey Source.
Aisling Bea
And I was working with Jameson Whiskey for a while and they made me my own cocktail, guys. My own version of it with James and whiskey. And they made it green for St. Patrick's Day because it's my birthday the day before. As if you guys didn't know.
Ed Gamble
But, Nita, you could go and get a fucking cake right now. We're in so much. Get out of those. Get out of those shackles and go and get us a cake.
James Acaster
And tie yourself a little weed.
Aisling Bea
Anyways, I keep on looking behind me because I don't know what direction it's going to go. Anyways, you guys love it.
James Acaster
If at the end he just runs full pelt on stage with a cake, trips over and smashes his face into it, then we have to go home.
Aisling Bea
Bonita going, let me order cake. So, yes, and it was dyed green with something and had like an apple liqueur in it as well. Oh, my God. It was absolutely fantastic. Delicious.
Ed Gamble
I gotta say, Aisling, that sounds absolutely foul.
Aisling Bea
I know now that I describe it, but you would have drank one. Because I had them at my birthday party and I remember because I had a load of them being handed out at the start of my birthday party and everyone had a great time. And then the next day everyone had. And very bad days afterwards. Very, very bad. Loads.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
We called it the Day of the Green Shits. Yeah.
Verizon Advertiser
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Happy St. Patrick's Day. I've gone all out this year and
Aisling Bea
may the road rise to meet you on your travels. So, yes, that's now my current favorite. That was the green drink. The green. The green drink with the egg whites on top. Because you can trick yourself into thinking it's like a protein shake.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
Well, do you want to have a quick guess at what Josh has picked?
Aisling Bea
Another tea.
James Acaster
Yeah, yeah.
Aisling Bea
Tea.
Ed Gamble
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aisling Bea
When I said a cocktail, look how much detail I went into to just describe a cocktail. That's what I mean. Wouldn't it. Would there be no more? Because for me, I. Everyone. Doesn't everyone just describe their cup of tea in case, like, a terrible disappointment is en route? You can't just say that and expect someone to bring you the drink you want. There's such a vast array of the ways you can make your tea.
Ed Gamble
To be fair, when Josh came on the podcast, he was promoting his tour, which is called Not My cup of Tea. So I think he just kept saying tea.
Aisling Bea
Interesting, interesting. Okay, so it's a brand new thing. So tea, yes, tea, I understand. Yes, yes.
James Acaster
I once did room 101 with Heston Blumenthal, and he said, you have. You should put the milk in first or a cup of tea. And that's the right way to make a cup of tea.
Aisling Bea
I mean, look at the sort of food he cooks. Do you know what I mean? Wild and wacky. Of course. A man puts his milk into his tea first, but is that how a person should behave during the normal day? But then what to get. Okay, so this isn't funny at all. This is just the science. I'm not a scientist. But then who is putting the tea bag in and then allowing boiling water infuses and allows the tea to escape. If you put a tea bag into cold milk, what you want is milk. I don't understand why anyone would ever put milk into the tea, because then the tea can't be used. And there's no point. You're not really using the bag.
Ed Gamble
But I think it all tastes the fucking same, personally.
Aisling Bea
Oh, it's Marmite to you.
Ed Gamble
It's all Marmite.
Aisling Bea
It's all Marmite to you.
Ed Gamble
What I used to like to do, I don't really drink tea. I drank a lot of squash when I was a kid. Blew my mind the first day I filled up the glass of water and then poured the squash in after the water. Watch it all move around.
Aisling Bea
You have to understand, children, the 90s were a different time.
James Acaster
We didn't have the Internet, we didn't have pornography addictions. We had to wank over squash. Put our squash in last. If you wanted a frill,
Ed Gamble
pour your squash in last. Rub your tummy. That's what I did.
Aisling Bea
In Ireland, the squash isn't called Robinson's. It's called My wadi. And what? Yes.
James Acaster
What's it called?
Aisling Bea
My wadi, James.
James Acaster
My wadi.
Aisling Bea
Wadi. My wadi. Shout out to my wadi drinkers.
Ed Gamble
My. My wadi.
Aisling Bea
My wadi. We can.
Ed Gamble
I'm so sorry, but it is a funny country sometimes, isn't it?
Aisling Bea
It's called my wadi.
Ed Gamble
My wadi.
Aisling Bea
My wadi. And if that one word, it's M I. Yeah. W A D I. My wadi.
James Acaster
My wadi.
Aisling Bea
And we. And I used to drink as a teenager. Vodka My wadi. And that was. My drink was Vodka my wadi. Like, that was a great cocktail in my town. And I remember coming to London for the first time and being at the bar and be like, hi, can I get a vodka? My wadi. And they were like, oh, sorry, what babes? And I was like, yeah, just a vodka, but in my wadi. I'm sorry. And to sit there and have to explain to that excited man.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
What I meant. And he was like, you mean Robinsons? I was like, I don't. I don't know who they are. I just didn't know what. But squat. You call it squash or Robinson's here. Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Not my wadi.
James Acaster
Sipping my wadi.
Aisling Bea
Sipping on my wadi.
James Acaster
Not just anybody. Okay, so now I'm singing a Sam Campbell song. That's not helping anyone. You've seen that song. All right, all of you, do yourself a favor after this. Oh, is this put in Sam Campbell's Ricky Gervais?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, it's incredible.
James Acaster
That is funny, man.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
James Acaster
And then you'll think back to me singing sipping My Word. And you go, yeah, that was good. Yeah. So he wants another cup of tea. I mean, are you happy to have two cups of tea in this, in this meal?
Aisling Bea
I have tea all day long at all points. It's left all over the house. I go collecting in the evenings. I literally have a little basket and I go collecting the teas from around the house. Kind of like, again, my memory probably isn't the best. I'm like, oh, look at cheeky old me. Like little Easter eggs around the house.
James Acaster
Like at the end of Signs, but with tea. You've seen signs.
Aisling Bea
No, I haven't actually, James. I laughed along to yes and you, but I, to be honest, was frankly,
James Acaster
lost throughout the whole film. A little girl is like, she drinks these glasses of water, but she doesn't finish them. Yeah. And she just leaves them around the house. And spoiler alert here if you haven't seen signs. But, you know, it's been. It's been a long time. But at the end, the aliens turn up and Joaquin Phoenix, Mel Gibson realizes this is how long ago this film was. Mel Gibson realizes that the way to defeat the aliens is like, they're allergic to water. So he gets Joaquin Phoenix to go around and swing a baseball bat and smash all the glasses. So all the water goes on the aliens and then the aliens run away from the planet because I guess one person hit some water on one of them. So I'm saying it's like Signs, but with tea.
Ed Gamble
Yeah. Go home, watch Signs. And then you'll think, oh, yeah, that was good.
Verizon Advertiser
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, because you. So she left loads of glasses of half drunk water everywhere. Like, I drink tea because with Me. They said it was adhd, but maybe it'll be the aliens.
James Acaster
Yeah. It could be that there's an alien invasion gonna happen.
Ed Gamble
Adht. No one gonna say that. I've just got to say it really quickly. Adht.
Aisling Bea
Fantastic workout, Gamble, one clap. But that person really is important. Adhp, that is actually a Hollywood casting director that clapped and she liked your work.
James Acaster
Let's get on to the dream dessert here. Now, you chose hazelnut and pecan tart, which you said was in your dressing room tonight. Very nice of Benito to do that.
Aisling Bea
Yeah, very nice touch. Again, no birthday cake. It's not like there was a candle in it. They were just a little thing that
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
you guys did for me.
James Acaster
But I genuinely hope he sorted it out. Now, this. This half has been an hour and 10 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's had enough time to do it. If he hasn't done it, he's fired.
Ed Gamble
He will definitely be sat back there going, they don't think I do anything in doing this show. They think I've got time to go get a birthday cake. They don't value me at all.
Aisling Bea
Poor Benito.
Verizon Advertiser
Poor Benito.
Ed Gamble
That's what he sounds like.
James Acaster
Here's what's going to happen right at the end. We're going to say goodbye and then all the lights are going to go down and then the candles will come in and everyone's saying happy Birthday and then you'll blow the candles out and the lights come on and there'll be no cake. I'll go, domino. It was just a plate of candles.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
And I'll be all Moby again. Well, yes, I will change my dessert and I'll tell you what, I'm going to change my dessert too. And this is for my mother. My mother makes. Do we call it a dish? It's literally served in a dish. So I'd say we can call it a dish. My mother makes a thing called a lemon balm and it is notorious with anyone who's come to ever visit my mother's house, because the lemon balm can give you a bit of a lemon bum. It is made of basically cream, sugar and shaved lemon. And it's been my mother's go to dessert to make for people since the 1980s, which is the same probably lemon balm she keeps in the freezer. She defrosts it, gets out a slice for a guest, puts it back in the freezer. One time, my cousin Lorraine found an earwig in. In her slice and I was going out with someone who had ulcerative colitis, which is a very serious disease. Luckily, he'd been in remission for a while until he had my mother's lemon balm. And then it set off a period of ill health and she said that was down to weakness. But it was absolutely. Because that lemon balm had been in that freezer for as long as. As freezes have been invented. I'd say an earwig. An earwig. Well, I mean, like, I don't mind that. That's natural. And clearly at one point it had been because you, you put. Make it in a bowl and then freeze it and then you turn it up and go, ta da. And then you take it off and it's just a helmet of cream and. Oh, no, take out the sort of slices. And then at some point while it was sitting on the table defrosting in.
Ed Gamble
Sorry, I haven't heard a single you've said since Hellmet of Kareem.
Aisling Bea
An earwig got in there. It's very much like a sort of Irish Jurassic Park. You know, in Jurassic park, where they show the montage of how the little mosquito got stuck in the, in the, the tree. It was like this earwig got stuck in this lemon bomb. And then in, in, in future time, scientists are going to be like, there'll be DNA there to recreate Irish people.
Ed Gamble
Domino.
James Acaster
Well,
Aisling Bea
that's my new dessert choice.
James Acaster
Okay, well, let's see if Josh Whitakem chose an earwig in a lemon bomb. Josh Whitaker, dream dessert is Christmas chocolates and a cup of tea.
Ed Gamble
Another cup of tea for you, Ashley.
Aisling Bea
Yes, again, I just would. At least this time he said he wants it in a cup, which is just a bit of branching out rather than just tea. Yes. What was the bit before the tea?
Ed Gamble
Christmas chocolates.
Aisling Bea
Christmas chocolates.
Ed Gamble
The sorts of chocolates you might get at Christmas. I believe that lint balls were talked about.
James Acaster
Yeah. Quite a lot.
Ed Gamble
Matchmakers.
James Acaster
What chocolates are at the Bee household?
Aisling Bea
Well, I worked in retail for many Christmases and I used to work in the Tommy Hilfinger shop, as my mother called it, and there was a woman who went around passing out Lindor balls. And there weren't many people coming into the shop. So every time I'd be like, with the Lindor balls. And now I can't even. They are technically delicious, but as the buttery little balls go down my neck, please, Bonito, don't do me a dirty and clip. That bit matched with some of James's absolute terrors this evening. I just still. I taste retail. Bad lighting and 17 versions of. That's what I taste when I taste Lindor balls.
Bombas Advertiser
Yep.
Aisling Bea
So I cannot do it no more, James. I cannot. And I will knee with Lindor balls.
Ed Gamble
So what would you. What would you have for your Christmas chocolates, then?
Aisling Bea
Well, a Christmas chocolate. Does he mean roses? Like tins of roses and stuff?
Ed Gamble
Well, it could be, but we didn't speak about roses. We spoke about celebrations. We spoke about matchmakers and we spoke about matchmakers. Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Is that a chocolate?
Ed Gamble
That's a chocolate. They're sort of like thin. They're thin sticks of chocolate. There's some. There's mint ones and there's orange ones you can get as well.
James Acaster
I don't like them.
Aisling Bea
Just don't like the thought of a thin mint stick. It's Christmas.
Verizon Advertiser
Live a little.
Aisling Bea
Do you know what I mean? You can be brushing your teeth now. Who's watching you? Do you know what I mean?
Ed Gamble
Well, what are you saying?
Aisling Bea
Santa's been and gone. You've got 364 days to be good, to make up for. Just be bad for a second. Don't have a mint stick on Christmas.
Ed Gamble
You can eat them stick by stick. Sure. And that's not fun, but I used to do, as fat little boy would, I. I'd grab a whole bushel, a bushel of sticks, and I just go to town on it, you know?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ed Gamble
So you can do that?
Aisling Bea
Yeah, you can do that. I still don't like the idea of a mint stick. Just feels like teeth brush in disguise. Teeth brush teeth. That is the plural of one toothbrush, many teeth brush.
Ed Gamble
Jordan, before we go, do you want to quickly rank the roses?
James Acaster
Rank the roses.
Aisling Bea
It's time to play rank the roses. Praline one, obviously. Number one straw, obviously. Yeah, obviously.
James Acaster
What's the green triangle?
Aisling Bea
Did I stutter? Praline, obviously. Number one, obviously. Green triangle. Is that it? Not in the. I was gonna say the Coronation streets.
James Acaster
Oh, sorry, am I getting my. I'm getting my chocolates mixed up. Yes, green triangles. Coronation Street.
Aisling Bea
Green triangle or Coronation street sweets. Yeah, praline ones. Orange ones. As I've grown older, I'll accept. And then I do like orange chocolate. I just don't like that fake sugary syrup that's in a melted in a chocolate. Which I think is fair enough, actually. And I don't like fake friends and I don't like fake oranges. No. Do you know what? I'm boring myself. I'm not going to continue.
Ed Gamble
Okay, Ashling, one more thing. We do have to talk about from your episode. Your episode set off a chain of events in the world of Hollywood.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
You.
Ed Gamble
You revealed a specific bit of celeb gossip. Big celeb gossip on our. Sorry. James just tried to drink some water and it went all over the floor. What are you looking for, brother?
James Acaster
Just looking to see where it went on me. I'm fine. Just got the side of my leg a little bit.
Aisling Bea
We need to sell those T shirts. So it's like a wet T shirt competition. Sell that merch, baby. Did somebody say water? Go on. James,
Ed Gamble
you revealed on the podcast that Paul Rudd doesn't like sauces.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Yes.
Ed Gamble
How's that impacted your life since you revealed that piece of information?
Aisling Bea
Thank you for asking.
James Acaster
Not a real person tonight who doesn't like sources, by the way.
Aisling Bea
A real person. Oh, that's a person who like hard gravy.
James Acaster
I remember that name.
Aisling Bea
I like my gravy like I like my men. MCU don't like sauces either.
Ed Gamble
Lucy Clark.
Aisling Bea
What's your name there? Lucy. Lucy. So would you admit to that? Because here's what happened with me. I worked with Paul Rudd. We had a great old time. The man does not eat sauces. I'm talking all sauces or condiments. I sat with him. I ate with him. I looked into that man's eyes as he went.
James Acaster
Ah.
Aisling Bea
Every time I had ketchup. Ketchup. Then James and him. James goes full Hollywood. Does the Ghostbusters movie with him. Don't worry about it. James is so relaxed. He invites him on the podcast. Paul comes on and does me. And he does the. He goes on and goes. Yeah, I know Ashling said that, but I don't know. I kind of don't mind him sometimes. And he. He marmited. It.
Ed Gamble
It.
Aisling Bea
He didn't mind either way. And I was so annoyed and hurt.
James Acaster
Sweet embarrassing for you.
Aisling Bea
And then I tricked him into coming over to my house to see my baby. Clever, the new baby. But he barely got any time with me.
Ed Gamble
Paul, come over to the house and
Aisling Bea
see the girl in the house. What do you want to see a baby get a little cuddle?
Ed Gamble
Sure.
Aisling Bea
And then I forced him into a confession.
Ed Gamble
And you've brought the confession with you, haven't you?
Aisling Bea
I did bring the confession with me.
Ed Gamble
We can play the confession to the Royal Albert Hall.
Aisling Bea
Good. And rightly so.
Ed Gamble
Yeah. Should we have a watch?
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Hi, everyone. I feel like I should probably
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explain
Ed Gamble
why we're making this video. I'm over at Ashlyn's house right now, and she's not pleased with Me?
Aisling Bea
No. I just feel like you threw me under the bus and off my new podcast because I went on there and I told my truth, which is that I know that you don't like condiments, and that created a whole thing, and then they invited you on the show, and when you were on there, I feel like you underplayed it. Like, you're like, what is a du. I suppose I like some of them,
Ed Gamble
if I remember correctly. And I. I. By the way, there's a good chance I don't remember correctly, because, let's face it, I was plastered. I think I said something about barbecue sauce, which I. I could handle, because I do like barbecue, but you were right, and I apologize.
Aisling Bea
Would you eat that for.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Would you eat this? It's a relish.
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Is it?
Aisling Bea
Yes.
Grow Therapy Advertiser
No.
James Acaster
No.
Aisling Bea
Would you eat this mayonnaise?
Grow Therapy Advertiser
No.
James Acaster
Even the vegan one, the fact that
Ed Gamble
there's two different kinds of mayonnaise makes me hate them twice as much.
Aisling Bea
Would you eat this? Look at it.
Ed Gamble
I don't even want to look at it.
Aisling Bea
What about a mustard pole? You see? You don't like condiments.
Ed Gamble
I don't like any of those. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw you under the bus.
Aisling Bea
So, Ed Gamble and James A. Casper, please just right the wrong. This would run against my name. And please, for the sake of the child. I forgot that was in it. I forgot the baby was in it.
James Acaster
Amazing.
Ed Gamble
Perfect.
Aisling Bea
Good.
James Acaster
Appreciate that a lot. So what's your final verdict of Josh Widdicom's menu?
Aisling Bea
I think that I. We should be nicer to Josh. And I think that menu is a cry for help when you say we
Ed Gamble
should be nicer to Josh. Do you think it's a bit late? Bearing in mind every time we put a picture of him up, you said he looked like a pony.
Aisling Bea
You said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you said, find the worst photo. I called him a tiny pony.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
I'll take it back.
James Acaster
Sure.
Aisling Bea
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Yep.
Aisling Bea
I think he. He. We should all love him for the beautiful man that he is. He's got a hair like Fuseli, or as you would call it, Lauren pasta. Beautiful gentleman, great friend, good man, lover of tea. And, yeah, I. I think his menu says that he. He craves safety in many ways, actually.
James Acaster
You know, comfort.
Aisling Bea
Comfort. Don't you think?
James Acaster
Yeah.
Aisling Bea
Oh, there he is. Josh, you were here the whole time.
Ed Gamble
Imagine if we'd sort it out for Josh to be just lowered from the
Aisling Bea
scene with a birthday cake.
Ed Gamble
Stop talking about the birthday cake.
Aisling Bea
I know. I ruin my own surprises. I do it to myself,
Ed Gamble
actually.
James Acaster
What if we had sorted that out and then we forgot? And then at the end of our residency on the fourth night, he just drops down dead.
Ed Gamble
Skeleton.
James Acaster
Yeah.
Ed Gamble
Been up there for so long, still got his full, full head of hair.
Aisling Bea
Paddington comes along.
James Acaster
Yeah,
Aisling Bea
Domino.
James Acaster
Oh, that'd be great if Paddington said domino. Well, thank you so much, Ashton, for coming on in each Josh's dream meal.
Aisling Bea
Let me wipe the Franco Manca number five off my lips. This is how deep it.
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See, this is.
Aisling Bea
You're doing what the editor did to Emily Blunt in the Alien film. You're leaving me hanging. I was just committing to the bit.
James Acaster
Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just remembered when you were doing that. I just remembered again when you said the buttery balls going down.
Aisling Bea
You incels are all the same.
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Do you see?
Aisling Bea
When this podcast started, they barely even got a photograph. And now it's all filmed and everything and people can see us. But it used to be there'd be some nuance in just the spoken word alone, James. But no more. It's all tits and teeth with you guys. I'm having to wear the merch and everything. Bloody hell. Which is nice, actually, because I do call my boobs Gamble and Acaster. So together they are tits. Kumar, you said sell the merch. Just try and be a good friend.
James Acaster
You said sell the merch.
Ed Gamble
You said sell the merch. Tits.
Aisling Bea
Come on, push the merch.
Ed Gamble
Happy birthday to you What a surprise. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Ashley, Blush.
Aisling Bea
Where's my cash?
Ed Gamble
Happy birthday to you. Yay.
Aisling Bea
Thanks, guys.
Ed Gamble
I'd imagine, Aisling, we couldn't clear candles with the health and safety. And I'll be honest, whenever I see a Colin, the caterpillar with candles, it looks like a beast from hell.
James Acaster
Eat the face.
Ed Gamble
Eat the face. Eat the face. Eat the face.
Aisling Bea
You people are mean.
Ed Gamble
The face. You people are cruel.
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Oh, no.
Ed Gamble
Why are you eating my face?
James Acaster
Oh, my God.
Aisling Bea
No one's ever put a microphone up to his face while he's been eaten. I'm so sorry,
Ed Gamble
I can't. You're leaving the eyes so he can see everything until the last minute.
James Acaster
No.
Aisling Bea
You were famous once, Colin. Oh, thanks, guys.
James Acaster
He's crying as a single tear. We can see it. He was just going, thank you for everything, mom, as he was being eaten.
Ed Gamble
And Aisling, thank you for everything, Mom. You've been absolutely fantastic.
Aisling Bea
James and Ed, everybody. Can I just say, these two boys, I always believed in them. I knew they was going to go far. No One else did everyone to their face and behind their backs like that was a piece of shit. No one likes them in a comedy circuit. You'll never do anything. No one listen. But look at them now.
Ed Gamble
Once more for Ashley B, everyone. Thank you so much, everyone.
James Acaster
Have a nice weekend.
Ed Gamble
Thank you for coming. We'll see you in the next two nights if you're coming tomorrow, but thank you very much.
Aisling Bea
Bye bye.
Ed Gamble
There we go, everybody.
James Acaster
There we go. That was Ash and B at the Royal Albert Hall. Pretty good talking to us. Immediately afterwards, her partner came to the dressing room, opened the fridge and a bottle of wine fell out the fridge and smashed.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
On the floor. It was brilliant. Sounds like the Royal Albert hall. Bottle of white wine.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
Absolutely KO'd. Yeah. And then they had to sweep it up. It was carpet as well, so it's like bits of glass in the carpet, all that. It was brilliant. He felt really bad.
Ed Gamble
Yeah. Let me tell you, he didn't need to. I've seen him a couple of times since then and he's still apologizing.
James Acaster
He's still absolutely mortified.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
So we're bringing it up now.
Ed Gamble
Yeah.
James Acaster
To make him feel better. Yeah. But he's a great guy.
Ed Gamble
Great guy.
James Acaster
So we need him feel bad. And I'll tell you who else doesn't need to feel bad as Ashton B. For great being so fantastic.
Ed Gamble
Yes.
James Acaster
Once again, fantastic guest and it was our first show at the Royal Upper hall of Six. So there's more of these to come.
Ed Gamble
Crazy.
James Acaster
Absolutely crazy. It really is. It's disgraceful. But, you know, got some bonus episodes out of it.
Ed Gamble
Yeah. And there'll be more just around the corner. Bye bye.
James Acaster
Bye bye.
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In this lively bonus live episode of Off Menu, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster kick off their Royal Albert Hall tasting menu series by bringing back a fan-favorite guest: the brilliant Irish comedian and actor Aisling Bea. The twist? Instead of picking her own dream meal, Aisling must react to – and potentially stomach – the off-menu choices of another beloved guest: Josh Widdicombe. Expect chaos, proper laughs, food chat, surreal tangents, and plenty of trademark Off Menu nonsense as Aisling embraces the unpredictable challenge at the iconic venue.
“You know what I mean Ed, you're stretching it at this stage, but diabetes, this, diabetes.”
Aisling Bea [09:30]
“Hindsight’s a fine thing… I suppose I didn’t have to wank off the spout.”
Aisling Bea [12:04]
“He looks like someone’s family pony.”
Aisling Bea (on Josh Widdicombe's unflattering photo) [15:39]
“In Ireland, the squash isn’t called Robinson’s. It’s called My Wadi.”
Aisling Bea [71:53]
Paul Rudd on mayo:
“The fact that there’s two different kinds of mayonnaise makes me hate them twice as much.” [85:21]
On the comfort of Josh’s food choices:
“I think his menu says that he craves safety in many ways, actually.”
Aisling Bea [86:24]
The live recording at the Royal Albert Hall supercharges the Off Menu energy: riffing, self-parody, innuendo, and affectionate chaos reign. Aisling Bea is in full mischievous form, holding her own against Ed and James’s relentless nonsense. Food chat collides with deep dives into British and Irish culinary culture, running show in-jokes, and characteristically odd tangents—culminating in a joyous, daft sing-along, and a warm-hearted roast of Josh Widdicombe’s gentle soul.
Anyone who delights in British panel show humor, comic chemistry, meandering but affectionate food chat, or just wants to hear Paul Rudd squirm when forced to face his condiment phobia. This episode is a live show masterclass in keeping the laughs rolling while barely talking about food—all in typical Off Menu style.