Amy Matthews

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Episode: Amy Matthews
Date: March 4, 2026
Podcast Host: Plosive

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Episode Overview

In this lively and whimsical episode, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster are joined by Scottish stand-up comic Amy Matthews. As is Off Menu tradition, Amy is invited to the magical restaurant to select her dream starter, main, side, dessert, and drink, all while navigating the hosts' surreal tangents and philosophical musings about food, memory, and experience. Along the way, the trio spiral into hilarious tangents on sensory descriptions, nostalgic TV, theme park water, and why Amy wants her meal to make her "work for it." This episode is thick with vivid imagery, offbeat humor, and lots of Scottish food talk.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Quotes

Setting the Scene – Introduction & Secret Ingredient (02:26–05:42)

• As always, the show opens with playful banter and the announcement of this week's “secret ingredient”: Bernard Matthews’ Turkey Dinosaurs. If Amy selects it, she’ll be ejected from the dream restaurant.
• The hosts riff on the idea of a "Succession"-style drama about the Bernard Matthews empire, sparking a recurring joke about Matthews and turkey dinosaurs.

James Acaster [04:21]: “...the turkey’s just running around with like a triceratops hole in its side. Yeah. Wow.”

Ed Gamble [05:33]: “...the challenge is extended to Amy Matthews this week to tell us her dream meal.”

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Icebreakers: Sarcasm, Celebrity Encounters & Childhood TV (05:54–11:01)

• Amy discusses her naturally sarcastic tone, which she says gets her into trouble.
• Childhood celebrity encounters: Amy’s chance meeting with Robert Lindsay, star of “My Family.”
• Amy reminisces about writing “My Family” spec scripts in crayon as a kid, leading to playful dissection of sitcom tropes.

Amy Matthews [07:28]: “I don’t think they think you’re gross. I think you’re weird. Like a little alien man.”

Amy Matthews [08:13]: “I just really like Robert Lindsay. And I turned around and he walked across the road. Like, that's—he's a genie.”

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Amy's Food Love and Death Row Eulogies (11:01–14:55)

• Amy’s deep connection to food: “I think food’s really important. It’s a language,” she says, noting the role of food in eulogies.
• The infamous "criminal sandwich": white bread with cranberry sauce, mashed potato, and a single large crisp—Boxing Day comfort food.
• Discussion about being remembered for food choices after death.

Amy Matthews [12:00]: “People talk about food in eulogies... It’s like a huge thing...I think you could be remembered for your food.”

Amy Matthews [12:27]: “On Boxing Day, I made a white bread sandwich that had cranberry sauce and mashed potato in it.”

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Dream Menu—Course by Course

Dream Drink (15:29–18:14)

• Choice: Sparkling water with a “fine mousse” (tiny bubbles, lots of them); explanation of "mousse" as a drink texture.
• Amy schools Ed and James on the fine points of carbonation, prompting delight and confusion.

Amy Matthews [15:30]: “Oh, sparkling, definitely. But a fine mousse...I hate it when the bubbles feel like marbles. I want it to feel like fuzzy felt.”

Amy Matthews [16:08]: “If the bubbles are very small but plentiful, it's a fine mousse.”

• [Fine mousse explanation, 15:50–17:02]

Bread Course (18:52–20:56)

• Choice: Sourdough from Noto in Edinburgh, served with melted crab butter (complete with crab meat and parsley, served in a crab shell).
• Playful debate about dipping bread in melted butter vs. spreading.

Amy Matthews [19:00]: “You dip your lovely bread in a little carcass and it's...oh my God, it's heaven.”

Amy Matthews [20:13]: “That's your bread course.”

• [Noto Edinburgh, 19:00–20:56]

Starter (23:43–30:35)

• Choice: Traditional Scandinavian pickled herring “trilogy” (clove vinaigrette, mustard, cream/horseradish & cucumber), half boiled egg, dill, rye cracker.
• Must be eaten in the "perfect twinkle" setting: on a boat in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland Paris, with the scent of theme park water and “Rory soup.”
• Discussion on “gruff” food—Amy likes her food to "hurt" (intense, astringent, acidic, or spicy).

Amy Matthews [25:07]: “I like my food to hurt. I really like...something astringent and acidic or something really spicy or something gruff.”

Amy Matthews [27:35]: “My adult life is increasingly becoming a sort of quest for the right amount of twinkle.”

• [Pickled herring/atmosphere, 24:05–30:35]

Main Course (35:05–41:13)

• Choice: Saag paneer (specifically from Mother India in Edinburgh/Glasgow), with roti from Ting Thai Caravan in Edinburgh.
• Amy craves salt and "boing" texture, not sweet.
• Anecdote: Ivo Graham once topped his saag paneer with Skips crisps (call to Ivo at [36:54], voicemail response at [75:23] confirming the story).

Amy Matthews [39:21]: “I like there to be so much salt it...I shrivel.”

Amy Matthews [40:16]: “The roti from there tastes like buttered toast—specifically, the first slice of buttered toast you eat after you’ve been sick.”

Ivo Graham (voicemail) [75:23]: “Amy’s memory is not a false one. In fact, my Skip-sprinkled Saag Paneer was the crowning glory on...one of the lower end Top 50 Greatest Days of my life.”

• [Saag paneer main, 35:05–41:13]

Side Dish (43:26–47:01)

• Choice: Smoked tomato on cream cheese yogurt with paprika chili oil from Sylvan in Glasgow. Described as the “platonic ideal of a tomato”—the “tomatoiest tomato.”
• Extended tangent about bread, cartoon tomatoes, and eating structure.

Amy Matthews [43:58]: “It tastes like what you’d want a cartoon tomato to taste like.”

• [Side dish, 43:26–47:01]

Dream Guest (48:01–51:10)

• Choice: Chris Packham, naturalist, and TV presenter.
• Amy wants someone who soliloquizes about something he loves—would cue Packham to info-dump about badgers.
• Amy recounts her phobia of butterflies as a child and exposure therapy at a butterfly house (while wearing a balaclava).

Amy Matthews [48:19]: “Chris Packham. I could just listen to him talk all day.”

• [Guest discussion, 48:01–51:10]

Dream Drink (again) (54:06–56:28)

• Choice: Mezcal Paloma from Buster for Jones in Truro—mezcal, pink grapefruit, violet bitters, Himalayan salt rim.
• Describes the flavor as "like the smell of ashtrays"—which divides the hosts.

Amy Matthews [54:23]: “They did a Paloma that was Mezcal instead of tequila...it tastes like, you know, the smell of ashtrays.”

• [Drink, 54:06–56:28]

Dessert (60:00–68:28)

• Choice: Lavender and tonka bean crème brûlée, served with lavender & Earl Grey shortbread.
• Amy is compelled to order crème brûlée whenever it's on the menu.
• The ideal crack on the topping should sound “like animated Barbie’s heels on cobbles”—a highly specific, nostalgic auditory memory.
• Amy concedes she likes all food to involve dipping or mopping.

Amy Matthews [61:03]: “My dessert is a lavender and tonka bean creme brulee.”

Amy Matthews [66:08]: “So the sound of animated Barbie’s heels on a cobble—that's the sound you want on top of a creme brulee.”

• [Dessert, 60:00–68:28]

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Philosophical Musings, Sensations & Food Language (throughout; especially 70:23–71:53)

• The hosts praise Amy’s idiosyncratic, sensory descriptions of food, emphasizing how personal taste is.
• Ed: “You can’t have a go at someone for the way they describe the taste of something. Because taste is all so subjective. It’s all internal experience.”

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Notable Moments & Quotes with Timestamps

• Fine mousse debate – Amy’s detailed sparkling water preference [15:30–17:20]
• Bread with crab butter at Noto, Edinburgh [19:00–20:56]
• Pirates of the Caribbean ride as ideal dining setup [27:26–30:35]
• Amy’s “criminal” mash and crisp sandwich [12:27–13:50]
• Desire for “food that hurts” [25:07–25:14]
• Voicemail from Ivo Graham confirming Skips on curry [75:23–77:18]
• Mezcal Paloma “tastes like ashtrays” [54:23–55:07]
• Crème brûlée “should sound like Barbie’s heels on cobbles” [66:08–66:15]

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Amy Matthew’s Dream Menu (summary)

• Sparkling Water: Fine mousse (tiny, gentle bubbles)
• Bread: Sourdough with crab butter from Noto (Edinburgh)
• Starter: Scandinavian pickled herring trilogy (clove, mustard, cream/horseradish), rye cracker, half boiled egg, dill—served on Pirates of the Caribbean ride
• Main: Saag paneer from Mother India with roti from Ting Thai Caravan (Edinburgh)
• Side: Smoked tomato with cream cheese yogurt & chili oil from Sylvan (Glasgow)
• Dessert: Lavender & tonka bean crème brûlée with lavender & Earl Grey shortbread (Amy’s invention)
• Drink: Mezcal Paloma from Buster for Jones (Truro, with grapefruit, violet bitters, Himalayan salt rim)

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Amy’s Dream Guest

• Chris Packham: “I could just listen to him talk all day...if I asked him about badgers and then just off you go, he’d be fine.” (48:19–48:45)

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The episode encapsulates Off Menu’s signature blend of food nerdery, comedy, and surreal digressions.
• Amy brings delightfully odd, poetic, and sensorial descriptions, delighting (and sometimes confusing) the hosts.
• Audience is invited to be adventurous, embrace unusual tastes, and appreciate that food memory and language are as personal as they are universal.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a sensory banquet—if you have ever wondered why someone might crave “food that hurts,” the “platonic ideal of a tomato,” or what sparkling water with the perfect “mousse” is, Amy Matthews is your guide. You’ll also get in-depth Scottish foodie recommendations, a love letter to theme park lighting, and an answer to one of life’s greatest mysteries: How do you know if your main course is improved with Skips? This is Off Menu at its most charmingly peculiar.

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Complete Dream Menu (by Restaurants):

• Noto (Edinburgh): Sourdough & Crab Butter
• Mother India (Edinburgh/Glasgow): Saag Paneer
• Ting Thai Caravan (Edinburgh): Roti
• Sylvan (Glasgow): Smoked Tomato w/ Cream Cheese Yogurt & Chili Oil
• Buster for Jones (Truro): Mezcal Paloma
• Amy’s Invention: Lavender & Tonka Bean Crème Brûlée, Lavender & Earl Grey Shortbread

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“All of my food involves some kind of dipping.” — Amy Matthews [68:29]

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Transcript

[A]

It's James Acaster. I have an announcement to make. Cinemagoers welcome is out on March 6th in cinemas nationwide. It's my Heckler's welcome show, but filmed in three different locations, Truro, Dublin and Northampton. And it's all stuff that wasn't part of the actual Heckler's welcome special. Some of it's the same material but in a different location, going differently, being heckled differently and under different circumstances. So there's the special that is on HBO and Sky and there is this Cinema Goers welcome companion piece. Anyway, March 6 Cinema goers welcome in cinemas. Enjoy the podcast of Menu

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[A]

That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we invite a guest. Can we invite a guest?

[C]

We invite in a guest every week.

[A]

Are we asking the favor? Ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink? Not in that order. And this week our guest is Amy Matthews. Amy Matthews.

[C]

Amy Matthews. By the way, I've definitely done eat a Mess before as an intro. Sure.

[A]

I don't want to pick you up on it man. Because like you know what, they'll be on you enough across all social platforms. I don't want to add to your worries.

[C]

What's your problem Benito?

[A]

For the listener, Ed was fiddling with his mic stand to the point where Bonito gave him evils to want to get him to Stop. And while he was giving Benito sass for it, he lent back on his chair and his chair tried to do a bucking bronco on him and sent him into the sailing and startled him. They gave him quite a fright.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sleepy today, man, but I feel wired. When you're sleepy and wired.

[A]

Yeah. Well, and. And rightly so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because we've got a cork of an episode coming up, so you should feel wired.

[C]

Yes. Amy Matthews is a brilliant comedian, very much looking forward speaking to her about her.

[A]

So funny. Such an honor to have Amy on the pod. But listen, Amy, if you choose the secret ingredient. Ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, you will be kicked out of the dream restaurant.

[C]

And this week, the secret ingredient is Matthews.

[A]

Turkey Dinosaurs.

[C]

Matthews.

[A]

Amy's surname is Matthews. Yes, Bernard Matthews surname is Matthews. Turkey dinosaurs is their signature dish. His signature dish?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

The original burned of Matthews.

[C]

Yes, his signature dish.

[A]

It's what he used to make when people came to visit him. Further, Matthews, he would get. Get a turkey, carve it up completely carve him into dinosaur shapes, cover them in breadcrumbs, put them in the oven. And they said, Bernard, you've got to sell these.

[C]

I think what, how he actually did it.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Was he got like a dinosaur cookie cutter.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And just rammed it straight into a live turkey.

[A]

Oh, just got it out that way.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then the turkey's just running around with like a triceratops hole in its side. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[C]

Bernard Matthews, it's too much, man.

[A]

But that's the thing. I mean, you know, you don't build an empire like that without being a visionary.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So congratulations to him.

[C]

They should make a succession style show for HBO about.

[A]

About Burnham Matthews, who wants to inherit the Bernard Matthews empire. Yeah, Ye. Yeah, that would be good, actually. Would be good. Yeah. And I mean, people would get quite. You know, there'd be a lot of symbolism there with the dinosaurs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Turkeys as well.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Both those things can have double meanings.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Talking about the industry.

[C]

That's good.

[A]

Maybe Amy Matthews could be in it.

[C]

Yes, Amy Matthews could be in it. Get Jesse Armstrong to write it, obviously. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'll just give it to the. Give it to Sam Bane.

[C]

Oh, yeah, the other one.

[A]

Yeah, because that'd be fun. Go like, look, we're putting you head to head now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You gotta go. It's still gotta be like succession, but it's the bird of Matthew's empire and you gotta write.

[C]

I don't think Bane's agreeing to that, man.

[A]

No, well, he knows that we've hobbled him from the start.

[C]

Yeah, he's very successful man. Sam Bain. He's not gonna deliberately write another version of succession about the bird of Matthews. Turkey, dinosaur empire. Go head to head with his friend and writing colleague, Sam.

[A]

If you're listening, man, the challenge has been extended. And the challenge is extended to Amy Matthews this week to tell us her dream meal.

[C]

This is the off menu menu of Amy Matthews. Welcome, Amy, to the Dream Restaurant.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Welcome, Amy Matthews, to the Dream Restaurant. Been expecting you for some time.

[B]

Wowee. It's so nice to be here.

[C]

Wowee.

[A]

Well, we sounded a bit sarcastic.

[B]

I have a really naturally sarcastic tone of voice and it's got me into trouble. Yeah, I don't like it, but here we are.

[C]

When was the last time it got you into trouble?

[B]

Six seconds ago.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we called you out for saying wow. We. Yeah.

[B]

What's wrong with wowee?

[C]

No, I think it was the tone. I think it was the tone rather than the words because you saw a genie and you went, wowee.

[B]

Yay.

[C]

I think if you actually found a magic lamp and rubbed it and a genie came out and you said, wowee, the genie would go back into the lamp.

[B]

Do you think?

[C]

Yeah, go, fuck.

[A]

They'd go, what the. What was the point of that?

[B]

Yeah, well, how did that make you feel, Genie?

[A]

I mean, I'm quite used to it from guests. I mean, actually, it's nicer to get wowee, even if it's sarcastic, because most guests. Yeah, it's just empathy, you know, ignore it. We get a lot of people who aren't comedians, who don't know me, who I do that. I just look at him going, can you ask me a question, please? Can we move on from whatever that guy just did? So it's quite nice to get well with.

[C]

Sometimes he'll spit as well when he does it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spit, yeah. And then just like, that guy's gross.

[C]

Yeah, gross guy.

[A]

Have you ever, like, met a. Met a celeb and felt like they think you're gross?

[B]

Honestly thought you were gonna say, have you ever met a genie? Have I ever met.

[A]

We have asked people that before, to be honest.

[B]

Have I ever met a celeb and thought they were gross?

[A]

And they thought you were gross and

[B]

they thought I was gross.

[A]

I've had it a lot on here.

[B]

Have you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry, mate.

[C]

I don't think they think you're gross.

[A]

I think I'm gross.

[C]

I think you're weird. Like A little alien man.

[A]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[B]

That's great. That's what you. That's what you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Have I. Has anyone ever thought I was gross?

[C]

Are you now going back through every interaction?

[B]

Yeah, I am, actually, with. I really am. And there's some weird and wonderful ones have come to mind. My favorite celebrity interaction actually was. I was about 14, I was in London and I said, apropos of nothing. Oh, I really like. What's the guy's name? Who? What's the guy's name? What's the guy's name who plays the dad in my family?

[A]

Robert Lindsay.

[B]

Yeah, Robert Lindsay. I went. I just really like Robert Lindsay. And I turned around and he walked across the road.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Like, that's. He's a genie.

[C]

Yeah, Robert Lindsay's a genie.

[B]

Honestly.

[A]

Was he walking across the road towards you?

[B]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was extraordinary.

[C]

He's like Candyman.

[B]

Absolutely. Yeah. It's just. It was nuts. So I don't know if you thought I was gross, but you might have thought I was magic.

[A]

My friend sent me a photo of Robert Lindsay last week holding a big feather. It was talking to him, right? Yeah. We're doing like his book launch or something and Robert Lindsay was, you know, waiting for the punters to arrive. We're just sitting, talking in a big, like, prop quill. That was humongous. Just talking to my friend and pap tip and sent it to me and goes, this is funny.

[B]

Do we know why he was using the quill?

[A]

I don't know. I think it was some like.

[C]

Was it a book signing or something?

[A]

Yeah, not a book signing. In the past, I think it was.

[C]

It's a bit of fun. Those things get boring. Why not bring a big quill?

[A]

I've got a quill. I think I was just talking on stage about writing his book and what it did to be like, this would be funny if I've got a big old feather.

[B]

Oh, that's nice. That's lovely. More Robert Lindsay chat in this podcast than I thought it was going to be.

[C]

We normally do a bit at the top. It might be cut out because it's sort of like our warm up.

[A]

He always cuts out. Yeah, he always cuts out. The Robert Lindsay stuff. It's very disappointing. Chris Marshall from my family. I remember just thinking he was the funniest person.

[C]

He was great in that show.

[B]

I used to love my family when I was a kid and I used to write episodes of my family in a little notebook in Crayon.

[C]

That's incredible. Spec scripts. Spec scripts for my family.

[A]

Do you remember any of them? Remember what the storylines were?

[B]

There was one where. God, this is a deep dive. There was one where Ben and Susan were in bed reading as. As they do.

[A]

And you have to remind me which ones Ben and Susan are. They're the mum and dad. Yeah.

[B]

And Robert Lindsay and. Sorry, I want to make her. And they were in bed and they were. Robert Lindsay. Ben was trying to. Was gonna try it on with his wife. And then.

[C]

How old do you.

[A]

When you write this in crayon, do

[C]

you use the phrase try it on when they're married in bed and reading.

[B]

Have you seen 2000 sitcoms?

[C]

He's trying it on with me.

[B]

That's like the whole thing. The husband wants a bit. Yeah. And she just wants to read.

[C]

I think it's the phrase trying it on. Trying it on to me suggests it's gonna be the first time.

[B]

Yeah, okay, fair enough.

[A]

Rather than.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And she just wanted to read. And then when she finally goes, oh, go on then. Nick the Oogie Watson.

[A]

Chris Marshall.

[B]

Yeah, Chris Marshall comes out from under the bed and he's like, hi, Mum and Dad. And it scuppered the moment.

[C]

And that was your spec script?

[B]

That was my spec script. It's good stuff. It's.

[C]

That would absolutely play perfectly in an episode of My Family.

[B]

I've watched a lot of My family.

[A]

Why is he in the bed?

[B]

Why is he under the bed? That's why it's funny. Why would he be under the bed?

[C]

He's a weird character.

[B]

I think he was knitting as well, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

He just said alone.

[C]

Hi, Mum and dad. I'm knitting my mum and dad.

[A]

Are you much of a foodie, Amy? You bought a lovely cookie. What was it? A cookie dough croissant with you?

[B]

It was a crooky, apparently.

[A]

A crookie.

[B]

We call it a crookie. It was a little like muffin shaped thing made of croissant filled with chocolate cookie dough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How was it?

[C]

Really good. Great. Was it a little. We had a little slice each.

[A]

A little pie.

[C]

Delicious.

[B]

That's so nice. I love food. I love food so much. Like, so much good.

[A]

Have you always felt this way?

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I have. I really, really love food. I think food's really important. I. I think it's a language as well, you know, It's a language. I. I genuinely really love food. I was. It's so. I realized the other day as well, I was helping someone with a eulogy bear with

[C]

writing it in crayon.

[B]

Crayon, yeah. People talk about food in eulogies, so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you know, like.

[B]

Oh, she used to make this thing for me. Or like, you know, it's like a. It's like a huge thing. And. Yeah. I just absolutely love. I love food so much, and I think you could be remembered for your food.

[C]

I'm just gonna. This is quite a dark question, but when you die.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What food do you think someone will write about in your eulogy?

[B]

Oh, okay. I made a really, really criminal sandwich.

[C]

A criminal sandwich.

[B]

On Boxing Day, I made a white bread sandwich that had cranberry sauce and mashed potato in it.

[A]

Wow. And it's criminal.

[C]

Good.

[B]

You tell me.

[A]

Well, it's breaking rules.

[C]

It's breaking rules.

[B]

It's breaking so many rules.

[A]

But is that all it had in it?

[B]

And a crisp

[C]

that's even more criminal. That's triple carbs.

[B]

Yeah. Because it needed a bit of texture. You can't be having sauce, mash and

[C]

like, the kind of wet sandwich, white

[B]

bread you could damn a river with.

[A]

You know, the.

[B]

Really. Yeah.

[A]

I'd worry that Chris wouldn't really add that much crunch because it's just. I mean, honest. Yeah.

[C]

Like one crisp.

[B]

I think a big one.

[A]

Yeah, One big crisp.

[B]

You know, the one big crisp in a packet.

[C]

Yeah. Where you found that if you're a kid. I mean, I would. I hope everyone else would. When you're a kid, you find that or you find a big chip and you go, it's the biggest crisp in the world. That's what we used to say.

[B]

Did you?

[C]

Yeah, if I found a big crisp, I would say to my friend, I found the biggest crisp in the world. Good. So what you guys did. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

[A]

Well, I definitely show it to my mates.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that was like, you're just eating it silently and not sharing it with people.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you do have to say, look at this, how big this crisp is. I don't think I'd always say it's the biggest crisp in the world.

[B]

No, that's. Yeah, it's a big statement out the gates. But I. Yeah, maybe they'd mention that that was quite bad.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I think they would mention that.

[C]

So other people. Other people saw you eating this? They saw you preparing it.

[A]

Yeah, it's awful.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think that's prime.

[C]

Would you feel good about that, knowing in your eulogy as someone talking about your mashed potato sandwich with a big crisp in it?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. I think that'd be Fine. That would be all right, wouldn't it? That'd be. It could be worse.

[C]

Yeah, it could be.

[B]

What would be in your eulogy, food wise?

[C]

Yeah, so much. I think it would all be.

[A]

Yeah, because we. Because we do this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If anything, I'd just rather they miss that, Miss that out. I don't want to be reduced to this, actually. That. That depressed me. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. That when I die, if someone does a eulogy and look, I've had a great time on this podcast and God knows financially I've benefited, but.

[C]

Are you stepping down, James?

[A]

If someone gets up and says the thought right now of someone get up and going, of course he co hosted the Off Menu podcast. When I'm fucking dead. Makes me absolutely.

[C]

What is gonna happen, mate?

[A]

It's so depressing.

[C]

I don't think anyone's gonna say that. I think what Amy's asking is what foods will be mentioned, like, personal foods, like.

[A]

But then that's.

[C]

I lean into it. I love it.

[A]

Because we do this. They're going to say loads of stuff about. Oh, they get talked about this food on the Off Menu podcast.

[C]

I'm gonna request it.

[A]

What would you rather?

[C]

I want to be cremated for someone to leave the leg of lamb on top of the coffin as it goes into the.

[B]

What would you rather be remembered for? Sweet home Kettering.

[C]

Sweet home Cataringa.

[A]

Number one.

[C]

Sweet.

[A]

Still a sparkling water, Amy.

[B]

Oh, sparkling, definitely. But a fine mousse.

[C]

Oh, lovely. Very rare that people bring the moose. A fine situation.

[B]

Yeah, Very important. I hate it when the bubbles feel like marbles. I want it to feel like fuzzy felt.

[C]

This is good fuzzy felt in the mouth.

[A]

James, hold on a second.

[C]

What are you worried?

[A]

A fine mousse.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[B]

A fine mood. So in this. In anything sparkling, if the bubbles are very small but plentiful, it's a fine mousse. If you've got big bubbles and fewer of them, that's like a coarse mousse.

[A]

What the. How's this never come up before?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I've never said this on the podcast before.

[C]

It's a pretty fancy thing to say. Yeah.

[A]

When you said a fine mousse, I thought, are we skipping straight to dessert? Like, I don't. What the fuck is going on?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Like a. Yeah, fine mousse of sparkle.

[C]

People say that about champagne a lot. That's like a champagne tasting note.

[A]

How's it spelled?

[B]

Like. Like moose. Because it's it's from the same. It's this. Well, it's the same phenomenon. It's. It's bubbles, the bubbleness.

[C]

Because, moose, like chocolate mousse is bubbles, isn't it?

[A]

Blowing my mind here. Yeah, it is like bubbles.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So a chocolate. Chocolate mousse is a thick mousse.

[B]

Yes. Or it can be.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

Well, it depends on the chocolate mousse, doesn't it?

[A]

Yeah, I think no matter how.

[C]

I mean, there's no. There's chocolate mousses with bigger bubbles.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because some chocolate mousses are barely moussey because the bubbles are so small. Right.

[B]

Some moose have a finer mousse than others.

[A]

They're so thick.

[C]

But the mousse you get from, like a supermarket.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's a chunky mousse.

[B]

Yeah. Moose, now stop feeling like a word. Isn't it? Yeah, but yeah, that's it. You can. The bubble. Okay. Would you prefer we say bubbleness?

[A]

No, don't change it for me. I'm trying to learn.

[C]

Yeah, you are. You are. You're learning.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Beautiful, fine moose.

[B]

So, yeah, fine moose, do you have

[C]

a specific sparkling water in mind when you discuss the fine mousse?

[B]

Oh, I had one in a hotel yesterday. It was pretty sweet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Amy. Lots of hotels at the moment.

[C]

On tour.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah, no, my life hasn't fallen apart, but yeah, I. Some kind of fine mousse, sparkling water. Non specific.

[C]

Non specific.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. We can find you the finest mousse available.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even though I don't understand what it is, but like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. What could help?

[C]

I mean, you understand what it is now, right? It's been explained.

[A]

Tiny bubbles.

[B]

Tiny bubbles.

[A]

Lots of them.

[B]

And lots of them.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So that would have, like, a slight. Yeah. Slightly more a smoother texture than a

[C]

more pleasant mouth feel.

[B]

A more pleasant mouth feel.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, before we started the podcast, I talked about our word. I'm gonna burp.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It just keeps. Yeah. So, like, I want to shout popping some bread at you. So I need to do that, but I'm worried.

[B]

Go knock yourself out. I won't tell anyone.

[A]

Burp. You know, so I was just trying to think of, like, ask something else about the water to keep us here for.

[C]

Yeah. Ice and Ice and lemon in the sparkling water.

[A]

Pop ups or bread? Pop knobs or bread? Amy Matthews. Pop knobs or bread?

[B]

Wowee.

[A]

I.

[B]

Again, that was a more convincing one of me.

[C]

Did you burp?

[A]

No.

[B]

Do you wanna.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. I. I'm going Bread. I'm going bread, but a very specific bread. If I may.

[C]

Of course you may find moose.

[B]

I would. I would like. There's a restaurant in Edinburgh called Noto. It's owned by very talented chef Stuart Ralston. Does that name ring any bells, Ed?

[C]

Yes, he did. Great British menu.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, good test. Threw that at him. Well done.

[C]

I've heard it's a fantastic restaurant.

[B]

It is a fantastic restaurant.

[A]

Well done, Ed.

[B]

Yeah. I think he voted him out in the semis, but I.

[A]

It's not a vote.

[C]

It's not voting. He's judging the dishes and I'm one of the judges.

[B]

Yeah. So Stuart Ralston has a. Well, he's got four restaurants in Edinburgh, but one is Noto, and they do a sourdough bread that comes with a melted crab butter. And you dip the butter. You dip the bread in the butter and it's still got little bits of, like, shredded crab in it. It's got parsley in it, and it comes in a crab shell, and you just. You dip your lovely bread in a little carcass and it's. Oh, my God, it's heaven.

[C]

Absolutely with you. Until you use the word carcass.

[B]

Carcass. I'm sorry.

[C]

Nah, I'm still with you.

[B]

So I would like that bread specific. Is that okay to have it as. Even though it's not counting as a dish?

[A]

Of course. That's your bread course.

[C]

In our episode 100, I picked the bread from Kudu in Peckham, which has a similar vibe. Where you get the bread, it's like more of a brioche bread, but then you get two pans of melted butter. One's got bacon in it and then one's got shrimp in it. And it's just so good. It's a proper. That feels more luxurious than spreading butter on. Is dipping into melted butter.

[B]

Yeah. Particularly when it comes in a carcass. Yeah, in a carcass. Like a medieval king.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

With the carcass there. Would you do a eulogy for the crab? Talk about the food the crab liked or would eat? Yeah. Make for people.

[B]

Maybe it comes on a little mountain of sea salt as well. So if you want, you can sort

[C]

of put a bit of salt in the carcass. Yeah.

[B]

It's really extraordinary.

[C]

Do you think it would put people off eating meat and fish if before they ate the meat, the waiter had to give a eulogy to the.

[B]

I don't know. I mean, there's lots. There's lots of things where you have a sort of sense of ceremony before serving something. What's the what? I mean, I'm gonna really lose my Scotland credentials here as someone who's been a resident for seven years. But what's it. Is it addressing the haggis that you do on Burns Night?

[C]

Oh, yeah. What do you. Do you. To you. Do you toast for haggis,

[B]

you read some rabbi bur. And then you don't set it on fire, do you? That's Christmas pudding.

[C]

No, you can set it on fire, I think. I think so.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Addressed to a haggis. There we go.

[C]

Address to a haggis, I think.

[B]

That's not a eulogy, but it's as close as it comes. You're sort of giving it a little poem before it's gobbled up.

[C]

But you're. But you're. That's. You're speaking to the haggis there rather than the. The sheep.

[B]

Rather than the life it had.

[C]

Yeah, the life it had, yeah.

[B]

Okay, that's fair enough.

[C]

You said cow, but it's sheep, isn't it?

[B]

It is, yeah.

[C]

Cow's stomach would be fucking massive.

[B]

They've got. They've got two, haven't they? Have they? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Cows have got multiple. Yeah, so they've got stomachs. You're asking for trouble for days.

[C]

Two for one.

[B]

Yeah, They've got their little cud stomach.

[A]

Yeah, Two for one.

[B]

Slumming stomach. You get a cud stomach and a. And a food and a. What's the other one? Is it just two lots of stomachs?

[A]

Dessert? I can't afford dessert.

[C]

We've all got separate stomach.

[B]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's too. Yeah, I think so.

[A]

Well, I think that bread sounds delicious.

[B]

It's real good.

[C]

I've not been to n. I'd absolutely love to go. I've heard it's incredible.

[B]

It is incredible.

[A]

You wouldn't be welcome there, man. The sound of things.

[C]

That's true. What are his other places?

[B]

Well, what they might do is send you out just before you get your dessert.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

When the end's in reaching.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

What was the question? Sorry?

[C]

What are his other places?

[B]

His other places. He's got Lila, which is a really, really beautiful fine dining restaurant near Carlton Hill. Azel, which is the original and that is also a tasting menu restaurant. Absolutely superb. And Tipo, which is the most recent. No, the second to most recent one, which is all pasta and Italian infused.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Really go to one of them at least.

[B]

Really, really good. There's a whole bream in Tipo that I have eaten alone.

[C]

Yes. How big's a bream, though?

[B]

Too big for a person. Too big for a person, I mean.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, for the listener.

[B]

Yeah, for the listener.

[A]

That's quite big.

[B]

That's a genie's lamp's worth, is that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Big as a genie's lamp.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Your dream. Starter your menu proper.

[B]

Now I'm gonna upset people.

[A]

Oh, great.

[C]

This is what we, like. Cause some controversy.

[A]

There we go. Get ready, listeners.

[B]

Can I also say how nervous I am to say the forbidden ingredient? I've. I'm really of the law school.

[C]

We like our guests to be on edge.

[A]

Yeah, you should be on edge, particularly.

[B]

I've just got some mental ingredients.

[C]

Great.

[B]

Okay, so starter a traditional Scandinavian pickled herring platter.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

This is good. This sounds great to me. I don't know why you're worried about upsetting.

[A]

Oh, I'm not saying what the luck is. Gross. I just like, did not. Yeah.

[B]

So you can get quite often a trilogy of. Of pickled herring. There's usually some kind of clove vinaigrette herring, a mustard and something, and then like a cream and cucumber or horseradish and cucumber. So those three. That comes with half a boiled egg, some dill, a little bit of rye cracker. Yeah.

[C]

Favourite of, I think stick with trilogy.

[B]

Trilogy. A herring trilogy. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What if it's a trilogy? What's the first? What do you always go with the first one? Do they tell a story as they go through?

[B]

Do they though. Clove first?

[C]

Clove first. Yeah. For the sort of astringent vinaigrette.

[B]

I like my food to hurt. I do. I really like. I really like. What?

[A]

Attack of the clove.

[B]

Attack of the clothes trilogy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's nice. Let's see if we can keep going again. How about. What have you got on? Whole grain mustard?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Phantom mustard.

[B]

Okay. And. Yeah, So I think that is the order I do it in, actually. I'd go clove mustard and then the sort of cream slash horseradishy. Somebody's got apple in as well.

[C]

So you're sort of building to the richer one.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you want to go out.

[C]

When you say you like your food to hurt.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Speak more.

[B]

Okay. I like really, really strong flavors. So something really astringent and acidic or something really spicy or something gruff.

[A]

Gruff.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[C]

I sort of do, but I want you to explain it.

[B]

Yes, I want. I want it to. I want. Sometimes I Want when I'm eating something for it to feel like I'm a. Like wood chipper.

[C]

You're. You're the wood chip.

[A]

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I want to have to put a shift in.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So either. Want it to be texturally so like a raw. Something to say. Love a raw carrot. Somebody asked me what my comfort food was the other day and I said, raw carrots.

[A]

Who else do that? The eulogy person.

[B]

So, yeah, I either like it to be. Have real heft when I'm eating it textually, or the flavor to be. To be really saying something.

[C]

Yeah. To like, you're there, you're in the room with the food.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When did you get into herring platters?

[B]

I would say, I tell you what, I can. I know exactly what that is. I have Polish family and they eat a lot of pickled herring in Poland. So when I was a kid, I used to really love it over there. And you could never get it in the uk. And then Lidl started stocking it, of course, and I got very into it. And then in the last seven, eight years, I've been. I've spent a little bit of time in either Denmark or. Where else have I been where they've done loads of herring. Just herring countries.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The herring countries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scandinavia. And I just. I absolutely love it. Yeah, I really, really love it. It's also crucial to me. Can I stipulate the environment as well that I'm eating it?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

My adult life is increasingly becoming a sort of quest for the right amount of twinkle. Do you know? You know, in a food and drink

[C]

environment, this is interesting because a lot of the things you're saying, I immediately understand what. What you mean. And James is looking at it, which is that you're having the experience that everyone else has with you, James.

[A]

Yeah, Quite nice.

[B]

Out. Weirded.

[C]

No, because it's not weird what you're saying, James. Not keyed into it.

[A]

The right amount of people. An apology.

[C]

You want gruff food in a twinkly environment.

[B]

Yes. So do you know what? I'm constantly trying to find a bar, pub or restaurant that has the exact amount of twinkle as the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

[A]

Okay, now I'm coming around a bit more.

[C]

Benito's on board as well.

[B]

You know the Pirates of the Caribbean, right?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And it's so dark, and then it's got that lovely orangey twinkle. It's got the right amount of twinkle. That's What I want.

[C]

You want that.

[B]

That's what I want.

[A]

So you want it to feel like nighttime in a. In a town that is being taken over by pirates.

[B]

In Tortuga.

[A]

In Tortuga. And they're running around, like, looking for treasure and finding each other and stuff.

[B]

Well, there's actually. There's a bit in that ride, isn't there, where it. It merges with a cafe? Yeah, there is a. You can do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, it goes through a cafe.

[B]

Yeah. But it always looks. It always looks better from the boat, right, than when you're in the cafe.

[A]

Well, I went to.

[C]

Is it a themed cafe or is it just like a leisure center cafe?

[A]

Yeah, you must have seen it. Well, they're there.

[C]

They're eating.

[A]

They're eating up. So it depends which one you. I've only been on parts of the Caribbean in Florida and recently Tokyo.

[B]

You've only been in those?

[A]

Yeah, only been in those ones. Okay.

[C]

Only those two.

[A]

I'm a novice.

[C]

How many. How many others are there?

[A]

There's one in. In Paris. Bonita says five immediately. Didn't need to Google it. He knows that there's five Pirates of the Caribbean. But in the Florida one that the cafe you're talking about is, like, up in the disc. So you kind of, like. You see him up on a hill or something, I don't remember. And you're like, oh, there's a. There's. Oh. And you realize, oh, they're not animatronics. That's real people up there. And that's not part of the thing. In the Tokyo one, straight away, they're on the bank and you're like, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah. The cafe be so close here.

[B]

That's the same as the Paris one. So you go through it in a little bit in your little pirate boat and you can see.

[A]

I've never been through it.

[B]

You've never been.

[A]

So it must be Paris is when you go through it, because, like, Tokyo, they're on that. You're right. Or whatever.

[B]

I think the Paris one is actually like a peninsula.

[C]

Right. So it goes through the middle of the cafe.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go. You sort of go round the cafe.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's never as good when you're in the cafe as when you're on the boat. Yeah, it doesn't look as.

[C]

Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, you're on a boat for a start. That's exciting.

[B]

Yeah, maybe. Can I be in the boat?

[C]

Yeah, you can be eating on the

[A]

parts of the Caribbean.

[C]

Parts of the Caribbean, Yeah.

[A]

That could be your whole way.

[B]

And then it's the perfect twinkle.

[C]

Yeah, perfect twinkle.

[B]

So nice.

[C]

I love the smell of theme park water.

[B]

Me too.

[C]

So I'd absolutely love to have a meal.

[A]

I agree with that. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You can choose this. Do I want to smell like theme park water? Is good.

[C]

I came up with an idea to try and release a theme park water smell. Smell can like a candle. But I think it does exist already.

[B]

No, it doesn't.

[A]

Got really excited, whispered to himself

[C]

because me and my wife got really excited about it. We were like, we should do try and do a theme park water candle. And then we looked it up and it's always the same with those things. You come up with an idea, you Google it. It's already happened.

[B]

Where have you ordered it?

[C]

No, no, no, no. Because I, I think, I think that

[A]

that is crazy that you haven't ordered it.

[C]

But I think it'd be disappointing because I think, you know, if you hear. I hear about candles sometimes and then I smell them and they, they don't live up to what they're supposed to hear about them. Sometimes I hear about them sometimes.

[A]

But then, but then, surely that should be.

[C]

We've got one called Big Sir After Rain and it's supposed to smell like Petrichor and it just doesn't. It just doesn't capture. Although, shout out to DS and Durgi, he makes some wonderful fragrances.

[A]

But can't you and your wife's candle company be the good one? Get it right?

[C]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, but how would you feel about like perfume that smelled like theme park water if you were sat with someone and they smelled like theme park water?

[A]

See the Weeb nodding his head in my peripheral?

[C]

Does that. Is that God?

[B]

I would probably enjoy it, but I don't think I'm in a well populated group. I just. Yeah, I think the theme park water would be nice. I don't know if I'd want that around my food though. I'd maybe go for, can I have it smell like Rory soup? There's a Rory's Rory soup.

[C]

Rory soup.

[B]

Rory soup. So who is that? So at Haven Holiday camp they have a mascot called Rory and he's a tiger. Rory the tiger. And for kids they have Rory soup. Yeah, it's vegetable soup. Yeah, but it's really specific smell. And when you went into the dining room, the whole place smelled like Rory soup. And sometimes I'll just be walking down the road, I'll be in, I don't know, Plymouth and it will Just Rory soup.

[A]

Smell it.

[B]

So there we go. I'd like to be in a boat on the parts of the Caribbean in Paris with very twinkly lights.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it smells like Rory soup.

[C]

And it smells like Rory soup. So the boat's on a river of Rory soup, essentially.

[A]

No, come on.

[B]

No, don't be silly.

[C]

How does it smell? How does it smell?

[A]

Like it. We're pumping the smell in.

[B]

No, I'd like it to be smell. No, it's still. It needs to be theme park water. Water. And it just smells, you know, like how Subway pump out the smell of their thing. Or like lush. Do they say I was?

[C]

Or in your Viking experience, they pumped the smells in of shit, do they? Of like Viking times? Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I saw an art installation once. I think it was Heather Phillipson did a. She recreated like farm. Like a dystopian farm in the Newcastle Baltic Gallery. And she pumped in the smell of manure.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I think that's something I'd forgotten. All these smells triggering a lot in me. I haven't thought about it before. Theme park water is a very specific smell. I liked that. Yeah. And then you mentioned Jorvik Viking center and I wonder how much I hate how much the Jorvik Viton center stinks.

[B]

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[C]

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[A]

So we know where you are now. You're on this. You're on parts of the Caribbean.

[C]

You could change the location per course if you wanted because you are on a boat, remember? That's true.

[A]

So you can. The boat can go somewhere else.

[B]

Yeah, it could, couldn't it? Okay, I think I. So I'm gonna go for a sag paneer. Maybe specifically the one from Mother India.

[C]

Yes. Shout out to Mother India.

[B]

Yeah. In Edinburgh, Glasgow. I think they're just in Edinburgh, Glasgow. Is that right?

[C]

I think so, yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I just absolutely love a saag paneer. So I'd have a saag paneer with, I think a roti and I still on the boat. I think we just stick to the boat. I'm really enjoying being on the boat

[C]

and stay in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride because of the twinkle. I gu.

[B]

The twinkle's right. You're not gonna get that twinkle. Yeah, yeah, I've tried and. Yeah, so I'd maybe have the. Have that. There's. I've just thought as well there was. Do you ever have a, like, sort of memory and you're not sure if it's like a phantom memory or actually. Because it's so odd.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I think I've seen. And I will need to check. I think I have watched Ivo Graham.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Eat a saag paneer.

[A]

Well, I'll stop you now. This happened.

[B]

No, no. And he. I can't even say so I'm pretty sure he seasoned it by opening a bag of Skips and tipping it out.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Onto the curry.

[C]

Wow. I mean, that's.

[A]

That's huge.

[C]

That is huge.

[B]

And I've thought about it quite a lot since.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

I'll tell you what would be really weird is if he absolutely didn't do

[B]

it and it was just like one of those dreams that feels really real.

[C]

But.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Ask him now.

[A]

I think I'm going to ask him. I'll pass him over to you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If he answers.

[B]

Hi, Ivo, it's Amy Matthews. How are you? Quick cue. I just wondered if it's a phantom memory of. This is something you actually did when we went for a Curry in 2022 at the Fringe, you pulled a bag of Skips out of your lap and tipped it onto a curry. And I'm wondering. Cause I think. I know I've seen it, but like to say it feels insane. I don't know if it's just one of those dreams that happen that just feel real when you're in them. You know, if you. I don't know, sitting your A levels in a rainforest cafe or something and it's just normal. So I just wondered if that is something you've done or if I have dreamt that and if you're. All right, cool.

[A]

Bye. Yeah, that's good.

[C]

Really funny that he's got a missed call from James and that's the message.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's gonna wonder what's happened there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Didn't. Given the context that we're on the

[C]

podcast, I think he'll work it out.

[A]

He's got a. He's a.

[C]

You mentioned the Rainforest Cafe. That's something else that smells of theme park water.

[B]

It does. Yeah, it does.

[A]

You love it.

[B]

It does. You love it.

[A]

You love it.

[B]

So, yeah, I think I said. And, yeah, I'm intrigued. I don't know if I'd want it in my dream menu, but I'm intrigued to try it. Crisps on a curry.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think. I mean, I guess, like, a lot of people break their poppadom up over their curry to add texture, which I understand. I don't do it personally.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's not got enough structural integr to hold the crunch, though, has it? Because the second you whisper a bit of liquid.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It's going soggy.

[B]

It's. Yeah.

[C]

Like ready. Salted crisps. I could maybe understand Skips a prawn cocktail.

[A]

They're probably. That's quite exciting that it skips.

[C]

Maybe in a prawn curry.

[B]

Yeah. And I guess as well, they've got that sort of lenticular shape. They'll hold.

[C]

But hang on. If we're talking about poppadoms not standing up to moisture, Skips dissolve, famously, they're not holding anything. They're just dissolving straight away, actually.

[A]

Yeah. You know so many words. I don't know. Lenticular, like.

[B]

Like a. Like convex, like. Like a. Like a lens.

[C]

Yeah. Lens.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Lenticular. Moose.

[B]

Moose. It's a spectrum. Yeah.

[A]

I'm learning them all.

[C]

Let's talk more about saga Paneer.

[B]

Sag paner. I like a. Do you know what? Actually in a saguna, I like a light spice. I don't like it to be overpowering, but I like there to be so much salt it that I'm. I shrivel.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I like. I really, really, really. I. I don't. Sorry, James. I don't have a hugely sweet tooth, but I crave salt all the time. I just absolutely love salt. So I want it to be really salty and I want to feel it for days.

[C]

Also, the paneer, you need to season the hell out of that thing, Right?

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Because it's a love. It's a great textural cheese. It's not bringing the flavor or something.

[B]

The thinking mantalumi. It's just. It's not. It's. It's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I like that. It's Not. It's not got the squeak of Lumi.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's got the pillowy boing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah. Sag paneer, little roti, maybe? Specifically. Actually, that. The roti from Tingtai Caravan.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I know we're going sort

[C]

of there, but we're going.

[B]

It's all in Edinburgh for sure. But yeah, so I'd probably go, yeah, the roti from there. Because it's like. The roti from there tastes like buttered toast.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Specifically, you know, the first slice of buttered toast you eat after you've been sick.

[C]

Big shout out to Tingtai Caravan.

[A]

Yeah. Congratulations.

[C]

Good luck keeping the queues down.

[B]

No, but that's a huge compliment.

[C]

You know, sometimes restaurants hear themselves mentioned on the podcast and they change the description on the menu.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Of what the thing is. So they're gonna have to change it to rotate. Yeah. Post vomit. First slice of toast with butter. The off menu podcast.

[B]

That's the greatest compliment of which I'm capable.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, do you know what I mean?

[C]

It is euphoric. After you've got everything out and then

[B]

you eat it and you suddenly. You suddenly have appetite again and nothing tastes like that first buttered slice of toast. So that's what I want, that roti.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then maybe we'll try it with Skips, but not for the dream menu.

[C]

You could. We'll give you a little extra bowl of saag paneer and some Skips.

[B]

A little chase.

[C]

Have a little. A little taste of it.

[B]

That's nice.

[C]

Little experiment bowl.

[B]

That's lovely.

[C]

No worries.

[B]

That's really nice.

[A]

Can people get your herring platter in Edinburgh? Because so far, a lot of us in Edinburgh people could, you know, the average comedy fan, if they go to the fringe next year, they could just

[C]

do the Matthews, the Amy Matthews Ting tie. Caravan's an absolute fun fight during the fringe, though, for sure. It's fucking crazy in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So popular.

[B]

It is.

[C]

Not anymore. After the whole.

[A]

Yeah. Walked right in now.

[C]

The whole Pew Croatie

[B]

post.

[C]

Puke roti.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So could you get it? I don't actually know. There used to be a Scandinavian place, Hema. I don't know if it's still there, but. Yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah. People in the UK are just not ready for pickled herring.

[C]

Do you think?

[B]

They're just not.

[C]

Well, that's odd because, like, traditionally, like, a lot of UK food is. There's a lot of pick. There's a lot of pickled stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And people like Used to eat eel and things like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Jelly deal. You would have thought people were ready for pickled herring.

[B]

Yeah, I think. I don't know if there's something off putting about it being pickled and fish. Yeah, maybe that's too quite.

[C]

You know, I love it. I love any like pickled fish, any smoked fish, stuff like that. It's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would you allow it if people wanted to do the Amy Matthews menu during Edinburgh?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

If they can't find your starter that they go and see Richard Heron.

[B]

But he has actually pickled and he. Well, yeah, he has to. Maybe he has to put three different outfits on.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The richest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be nice.

[C]

He's in a position.

[A]

The richest heron.

[B]

The richest herring. Oh, lovely stuff. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe go and see herring thrice.

[C]

Three times.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's probably doing three shows.

[C]

Yeah, yeah,

[A]

yeah. Your dream side dish is that it's commutable.

[B]

Commute to your side dish. Sylvan in Glasgow does a. They're like a small plates place. I mean, aren't they all? Yeah, but it's a small plates place and they do a smoked tomato on a cream cheese yogurt with like a paprika chili oil drizzle. And there's no way I could describe it that could do it justice. I'll do my best, but it's. It's really smoky.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it just. It tastes like what you'd want like a cartoon tomato to taste like. Do you know? You know?

[C]

Well, I know it's like the tomatoiest tomato. Right.

[B]

100.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[C]

It's like not translate for you again.

[A]

Well, I know what a cartoon tomato is, but I'm just thinking like, what

[B]

would it taste like?

[A]

I reach into the cartoon. Well, usually in cartoons, tomorrow's being thrown at people and splatting everywhere they're being eaten. So I was like, I don't really know what I'd wanna. I. I assume cartoon tomatoes like rotten fruit that are getting thrown around.

[C]

I think what Amy meant was just like the platonic ideal of a tomato. Right. Like the dream tomato.

[B]

Yeah, I suppose. I just, I can't. I don't know how else to describe it except tasting like cartoons mug.

[A]

But I guess I'd imagine it without like any hard bits in it, you know?

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Well, a cartoon tomato I'd imagine without. Yeah, yeah. The bits and the tomato that are like seeds. No, no, the structural bits.

[B]

Isn't it all structural bits?

[A]

Nah, the bits is not the only. There's like the chambers. Yeah, there's the seeds in all the goop.

[B]

The little ventricles.

[A]

Yeah, there's the seeds of the goop and then there's the little segmented bits like the skeleton of that are there for structure.

[B]

I do.

[A]

I, I guess I would imagine the

[C]

skeleton of the tomato.

[B]

The skeleton.

[A]

I would imagine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd imagine a cartoon tomato to be the skin and the gloop.

[C]

I know what you mean.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Okay, that's fair enough.

[C]

So, hang on, it's. It's smoked, but then how. How cooked is it texturally?

[B]

Like, it's. She's pretty loose.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

yeah, she's. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She's. She's baggy. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Is. Is she charred on the outside?

[B]

She's slightly, Very, very slightly. And then. Yeah, it's, it's, it's just like really, really deep smoky flavors with an intense tomato like tomatoiness. And then the chili oil is on top with the yogurt underneath.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you can sort of dip in as much of the yogurt as you. It's. Honestly, I think about it all the time.

[C]

Are you saving a bit of bread, maybe from the bread course?

[B]

Well, I think it actually comes with a little flatbread, like a bouncy flatbread. But I don't want to. I don't want to sneak in extra bread.

[A]

You can if it's part of the dish.

[C]

You've already done that with. With your main.

[B]

With my Rosie.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's got me on a technicality there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think you've got rye bread with the starter as well.

[A]

So.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I have. I've seen.

[A]

You know what? You tricked me. I fell for it. Even when you said, I don't want to sneak in extra bread, I was like a respectable woman. And then Ed just cataloged all the bread you've been eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Fair enough.

[A]

But you're allowed all that bread.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

You know, you can have, you can have a flat bread or you can just use some of the bread from one of the other three times you've had bread.

[B]

Can I have a little rest in between each course? Maybe a little go on the ride?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, yeah.

[A]

Are you already on the ride?

[C]

Can I check? Are you going round and round the Pirates of the Caribbean rock ride on this? No, I think for this meal, because I. Those rides, those sorts of rides. Pirates of the Caribbean is a little bit better, but anything where you're like on a boat going through and there's a song,

[A]

it's a small World or whatever.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. That's absolute horror film stuff. But I. No, I think I don't want to be because also in every single one there's that little surprise.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Drop at the end. You can't be.

[A]

You can't be.

[C]

You can't be eating, you can't be munching and dropping.

[A]

Yeah. Over and over.

[C]

Especially not with a loose tomato on your plate.

[B]

A baggy tomato. So. Yeah, no, I don't think I am. I think I'm floating.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. That's quite a tragic image, actually.

[A]

You're just bobbing in one place.

[B]

Yeah. Can I. Can I have a guest?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Of course.

[A]

Who do you want?

[C]

Apart from the animatronic pirates.

[B]

Apart from the animators.

[A]

And ignore the fact that Ben is trying to telepathically get you to invite him. Even in a dream, he wants to go to Pirates of the Caribbean and be at Disney.

[B]

Chris Packham.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Why Packham?

[B]

I love. I could just listen to him talk all day. I love it when someone has an intense interest in something, knows loads about it and just wants to soliloquy at you.

[C]

Just info dumb.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I would like him. Yes.

[A]

He's got a. He's got a rep for being. And. And he has owned up to this himself. He's a bit of a curmudgeon, but a bit cantankerous. Might not want to speak to you. Might be like, why have you put me on this stupid riding.

[B]

I think if I asked him about badgers and then just off you go, he'd be fine.

[C]

I think that's probably the key is just the ask him. Just stay.

[B]

No small talk. Just as. And when he thinks about something he might want to chat about.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Butterfly museum once.

[B]

Did you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It was a butterfly. A butterfly park was being Joe. What? My memory. This is a bit fuzzy. He was there to open a butterfly thing at something else.

[C]

I don't think it would have been a butterfly museum.

[A]

Butterfly park or like greenhouse butterflies in a butterfly farm.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Butterfly house.

[A]

A bigger thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he was. He was stood, I think, watching some other man like some goats or something.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And me and my dad went up to him and my dad tried to talk to him about. He knew that Chris Packham supported Southampton. So I was like, are you doing pretty bad in the league this year, Chris? And it's my first time in my life can ever remember seeing a celebrity not want to talk to someone.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[A]

I thought, oh, okay. These people Are different.

[B]

And now here we are.

[A]

They don't like this.

[B]

I, I actually, I. There was a butterfly farm called In Wat Tyler country park in Essex that I had to go to as a child because I had. I was really scared of butterflies as a kid. Like really, like the movement of butterflies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And in a sort of Lovely bit of 90s parenting, in an exposure therapy, my parents were like, well, we'll go to the butterfly farm and you'll be fine. Like, it will show. There's nothing. And I refused to go unless I could wear a balaclava. So I just. A little kid cutting about in a butterfly farm in a balaclava, looking like

[A]

you were robbing the joint.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Petrified.

[C]

Put the butterflies in the bag. It's not really going to work out.

[B]

Yeah, I was absolutely petrified of them.

[C]

Did it work though, the exposure therapy? Because you're not petrified.

[B]

No, I'm not petrified of them now. That's true.

[C]

So it must have worked.

[A]

Did it take you back without the balaclava?

[B]

I don't remember. I don't remember at all.

[A]

Just wearing a little hat, maybe, just like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the little face masks.

[C]

Have you been to a butterfly house since.

[A]

Since that.

[B]

Have I. I don't think I have, no. Maybe I should.

[C]

So you might. You might still be scared?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I might actually, yeah. Gosh, why are we talking about bus flies?

[C]

Pack them.

[B]

Pack them.

[A]

You want. Pack them on the ride.

[B]

On the ride, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I think that would be nice. That would be less tragic, I think, being on a boat, eating with Chris Packham.

[C]

Imagine if he just looked at you. You asked him a question, he just looked at you and he just slowly just got into the water and swam away.

[B]

Yeah, it smelled great.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, God. Come back, Chris. Give me a whiff.

[A]

Join the pirates. He just. Yeah, he just turned into. He just dressed as a pirate and just.

[B]

That would be so nice.

[C]

Stay completely still. Maybe she won't see me.

[A]

Like when people. Like when in Scooby Doo, when they run away from a villain. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, dear. I. Yeah, so I'd have Chris on there with my. Where are we? Side dish. Yeah.

[C]

Is Chris Packham veggie vegan?

[B]

Yeah, I'd imagine he's vegan.

[A]

Absolutely. Gotta be, otherwise it's fucking rich. Gotta be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Packham's gotta be.

[C]

Pull that up, Bonito.

[A]

Pull that up. But we don't even need to because Packham definitely will be a vegan.

[C]

So he's probably not eating the dairy Products in your. Oh, yeah, you can have the tomato off the top.

[A]

Yeah, that's the point. There's a lot of stuff he's gonna. He's not gonna want. He's gonna be near that smoked herring platter you've got.

[B]

No, he's not. Is he? No, he is.

[A]

It won't load.

[C]

It won't load.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think we can quite confident we

[A]

can confidently at least.

[B]

Veggie.

[C]

Yeah, it's gotta be veggie min.

[B]

Veggie min. But yeah, I love that, don't you? Like, you know when someone just, like, really knows something?

[C]

Depends what the thing is.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Does depend what the thing is. And also more broadly. No,

[C]

No, never.

[A]

I just want them to shut up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, yeah, what's happened there is.

[B]

You've just thought of an incident.

[A]

Yeah, no, actually, I think I would like to hear that.

[C]

Imagine James saying that Chris Packham's famously a curmudgeon whilst he's sitting there with his own personality.

[A]

I'm all right.

[C]

And then going. And then. Yeah, my dad spoke to Chris Packham. Chris Packham was just really annoyed that someone just come up to speak to him.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

James in the background taking notes.

[A]

Inspiration.

[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

Your dream drink, Amy.

[B]

Oh, okay. It's a twist on a Paloma from. There's a bar and restaurant in Truro, so that's a heck of a commute.

[A]

Love Truro.

[C]

I'm going there soon.

[B]

Right. Go to Buster for Jones.

[C]

Buster for Jones.

[B]

Buster for Jones.

[C]

I like the name.

[B]

It's good. It's good stuff. And they did a Paloma that was Mezcal instead of tequila.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

With pink grapefruit juice, I believe, violet bitters and a Himalayan salt rim. And it was, honestly, it tastes like, you know, the smell of ashtrays.

[A]

Amy, once again, it's all going well until you described it.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's.

[C]

They should put that in a candle.

[B]

Smell of ash, the smell of ashtrays. I've got a tobacco candle, you know. Yeah. It's nice. Yeah. It tastes like the smell of ashtrays.

[A]

So just because. I mean, some listeners might be thinking, ashtrays smell disgusting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What would you. What would you say to those people?

[B]

When I ordered it, the person behind the bar actually came to the table.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And said, stop smoking.

[B]

Said, by the way, like, are you sure this is something on their menu?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

They were like, we just need to give you a heads up because a lot of people order this not really knowing what they're letting themselves in for. Do you think you'll be all right with this? And I was like, I think I'll go and. It was great. It was absolutely extraordinary.

[A]

Great.

[B]

So, yeah, it tastes like. Do you know it? There's like a bitter ashiness in the bottom of an ashtray.

[C]

I've never licked one.

[A]

So, yeah, if you were saying it's got that. That smoky, burnt flavor of like, maybe like, if you like a campfire, or. I'll be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the Ashtray

[C]

Club Garden. And then it started to rain, and the ashtray's wet and it stinks, and it's Brittan, and I hate it.

[B]

Now, I imagine there's Himalayan salt at the rim. So, yeah, it's. But I.

[C]

So it's an ashtray with a salt rim.

[B]

Yeah. Because I think it's important to. The reason it's an ashtray, not a bonfire, is cause there's a real acidity and like. Or like bitterness, actually, from the. From the pink grapefruit that I don't want to get missed.

[C]

Yes. I think it's just the ashtray thing

[A]

that's still a problem. Yeah, it's a stumbling bit.

[B]

Well, then, if I were to say to you, sake tastes like the smell of hot cars,

[A]

Edwards.

[B]

Like it's gonna be sick.

[C]

Well, you can say it all you

[A]

like, inside of a hot car.

[B]

Does that make sense to you?

[A]

No, not really. The inside of a hot car.

[B]

The outside inside.

[C]

You know how I was completely going along with everything you were saying before and I was having to tell James about it? Now you've lost me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. One of my favorite things in life is Ed talking to me like he isn't about to fall in the same hole as me many, many times. James, this is what it feels like to be talking to you. He's in the pillar not knowing what the fuck is going on. I'm so sorry, James. I've broken my Leg.

[B]

But I just. Yeah. I think. I can't think of a comparative taste that describes something as well as the smell of ashtrays.

[C]

There's no way Packham's staying on this boat.

[B]

He doesn't have to talk to me about the food.

[C]

Yeah, but you're. Of course he's going to be talking about badgers and stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you're going to have a sip of that and you're going. Don't you think it tastes like. Like hashtrays. Sploosh.

[B]

Do you know one thing that is quite nice? I often order the food or drink that everyone else finds repulsive, so I don't often have to share anything.

[C]

I'm kind of similar. I will go for something that I think maybe looks a bit disgusting to everyone else.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Shout out to mountain. My favorite dish on the. On the menu. The trip.

[B]

To me, the tripe, but it's just

[C]

called tripe, gives no clues as to what they do with it. But they add so many, like, layers of flavor to it. There's, like, some pork cooked in there, some tomatoes. It's slow stewed. It's absolutely amazing.

[A]

There's somewhere in Truro where I got a drink that was so good.

[C]

I don't think I'm staying in Truro. I'm gonna have to stay in trouble.

[A]

You've got to stay in Truro, man. It's the best place in the world.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

James loves Truro.

[B]

Do you really love it that much? Have you seen the wonky cathedral?

[A]

No, I didn't see that.

[B]

Genuinely. They started building it and then they got two thirds of the way down. I thought, oh, bugger, we're gonna hit a tree and it's. Or something like that. And instead of cutting it down or moving that out the way, they just moved the cathedral.

[C]

Yeah, that's so true.

[A]

What I will ask for that story is you said they got two thirds of the way down. Did they start building the cathedral from the top?

[B]

No, no. From.

[C]

From the front.

[B]

From the front.

[C]

I don't think that's how buildings work. Work, is it? You don't start at the front and then I think you have to do the whole bottom first, don't you? You have to do the foundations.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So they must have got two.

[C]

They must have done. Yeah.

[B]

Across. Yeah.

[C]

And then gone.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And shimmied round.

[A]

For some reason, my phone's not searching anything. But in Truro sometimes. And Ed might find this as well, because of doing this podcast, people know you're from the pod but they don't let you know. And then there's a telltale sign at some point where they. So they just treat like a normal customer. And then right at the end, in this place in Truro, they were like. I said, can we have the chat, please? I went, oh, yeah, you not have a drink or anything at the end? I thought, I don't think so. And she pointed this one in the menu went, that sounds like boozy ice cream. Oh, yeah, I'll have that. I really want him to order that so nobody will like it. It's his drink. And it was just like, boozy I ice cream.

[B]

And what was in it? Do you remember?

[A]

Nope. But it smelled delicious.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It did not smell like a ashtray or anything. It smelled like a tub of ice cream that had had a load of booze poured into it. And it tasted exactly like that.

[B]

That's delicious.

[A]

It was very good. I think it might have been vodka was the spirit that was in it. But it was great.

[B]

There was a speakeasy bar in my hometown when I was growing up called the Black Cat, now defunct, and they used to have that. I tell you what, that was the perfect level of twinkle.

[C]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

It was basically pitch black except for tiny little lights. And the lights were the menus. So they just stapled the menus around the lights so you'd have to go up to a light to look at the menu. And they used to have a cocktail called the Grasshopper, and it honestly tasted like liquefied Viennetta,

[A]

your dream dessert. Now, Now. So now we're getting to this. And you've already said you don't even have a sweet tooth.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But you did turn up here today with a croissant cookie dough pie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, I mean, I'm crossing my fingers.

[C]

You said you like the Grasshopper cocktail, so.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so my dessert is a lavender and tonka bean creme brulee.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Is it from anywhere or is it just something you've made up in years?

[B]

I've had a Tonka bean creme brulee.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I've had a lavender creme brulee. I would like a lavender and Tonka bean.

[A]

Now, do you want it that the. The whole thing, like, the flavours are just mixed together, or do you want it like it's half and half?

[B]

Ooh, now you're asking.

[A]

Yeah, that's my job.

[B]

No, I'm going combo. Let's.

[A]

I think it's all mixed together. That's a big swing, because you don't know what that tastes like.

[B]

I know, but I think it would be.

[C]

But Tonka Bean's very. Is basically vanilla flavor. Vanilla.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's like fairly non obtrusive as a flavor.

[B]

Yeah. Just give a sort of mellow sweetness underneath, I think.

[C]

Whereas lavender's a, you know, it's coming out swinging. Lavender.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It doesn't give a.

[A]

It doesn't give a.

[B]

Have you ever put lavender in your hot chocolate?

[C]

No, no, I'm not a lavender guy. I really don't like lavender.

[A]

I'm not a lavender guy either.

[B]

You're a hot chocolate guy.

[A]

You're a hot chocolate guy.

[C]

He's a hot chocolate guy.

[A]

Pleased to meet you.

[C]

But like, I prefer smoky flavor, so I'd rather just tap a fag into my hot chocolate.

[B]

The wooden wheel.

[A]

Y.

[B]

Honestly, if you get, you know, you get like those little tea strainers. If you get dried lavender, bung that in your hot chocolate.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Three minutes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Back out. Smashing.

[A]

I don't hate that idea, actually. That does sound quite. Now that you've described it, that's a nice description.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

So you can do it.

[A]

You can do it. Everything else.

[B]

That's not a description. That was instructions.

[C]

That's what James prefers that, that okay.

[A]

I think so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It put a nicer image in my head anyway.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

[A]

I think Packham's gonna like this dessert.

[B]

Do you?

[A]

Tonka bean and lavender. I think this is more like Packham Street.

[C]

Nature. A lot of nature in there.

[A]

It might not be.

[B]

It's a little bean. It's a little meadow, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I, I, When a creme brulee is on a menu, I can't not order it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, irrespective of what's, what else is on it, I have to get a creme brulee.

[A]

This is. And that's a thing as well. A lot of people have this where. Yeah. And specifically with creme brulees where they, they, if they can't not order, if it's on there. I don't know what it is about a creme brulee specifically. Maybe. Because the first time you have it.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

So it's such a game changer that you're so attached to that memory that you want to go back and have it again.

[B]

But, and again, I suppose you're, it's, it's edible ash, isn't it?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

The burn, you know, the burny.

[C]

It's not though. No, but it, you know, caramel sort of, yeah.

[A]

The crack is the hard surface. It's all what's bruleed, let's face it.

[B]

Yeah. I think there's something really novel about eating something that feels like you shouldn't be eating it.

[A]

Do you feel like you shouldn't be eating a creme brulee?

[C]

Well, I guess if it's burning on top,

[B]

it's like licking the bottom of a toaster, isn't it?

[C]

Licking the bottom of something.

[A]

Again,

[C]

it's the ashtray. It's the toaster.

[A]

Look in the bottom of a toaster.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Picture you just going around your balaclava on. Just licking the bottom of an ashtray, bottom of a toaster.

[C]

There was a creme brulee on the menu of where we were last night.

[B]

Where were you last night?

[A]

Jay Shiki.

[C]

Jay Shiki in town. It's like really like central town. It's like very old seafood restaurant. It was nice. There was a salted caramel creme brulee on there. And I was like, my initial thought was, was, oh, my God, that sounds great. And then my next thought was, that's going to be too sweet. Well, did anyone have it?

[A]

I. I Kyman had it was sitting next to me. He offered me a little bite. Yeah, it was good.

[B]

It was nice.

[A]

It was very nice. And I don't think it was too sweet. And you would have loved the top, actually. The top was very. Had a burnt caramel flavor to it. Yeah, very. It wasn't. I get disappointed with creme brulees if the top is just a bit too nothing Y. Because they don't want to go too big on the burnt flavor on the top. So if they think it'll put people off. But I want it to be that you get a proper crack when you hit it with a spoon and that you get that burnt flavor to it.

[B]

Absolutely. Do you know what? This is not going to go down well. So the noise that you want on

[A]

a creme brulee, what's this going to be compared to? Have you ever seen everyone pause the podcast as you're listening? Try and guess what Amy is going to compare this to. Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

And a little clue. It'll sound nothing like what it what hitting the top of a creme brulee sounds like.

[B]

So my sister was a big fan of the animated Barbie movies.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

There is a really specific sound that the Barbie's heels make on cobbles. If you're bouncing the spoon on a creme brulee, it needs to sound like animated before you crack it before, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before you crack. It's not. It's not a pop, actually. That was.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So the sound of animated Barbies heels on a cobble. Yeah, that's the sound you want on top of a cranberry.

[C]

Well, we can't verify that.

[A]

If you guessed that, then you got a shot. You get a sign, shopping board, tweet in the podcast, say, I guess the Barbie. Animated Barbies feet on the cobbles.

[B]

It's a really specific sound.

[C]

So does it remind you of the animated Barbie movies every time you have a creme brulee?

[B]

It will now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you saw the live action Barbie movie that came out last year, were you disappointed by the sounds of the.

[B]

Yeah, there wasn't enough creme brulee tapping action. Yeah, yeah, but it's a really specific sound. Have you. Have you got it.

[A]

Has Ben got the animated Barbie movie cued up?

[B]

I'm gonna.

[C]

Did you just think Benito might have.

[B]

I'm gonna.

[C]

Somehow in the last. And we've not edited any of that, so within the last seven seconds. Do you think Benito's found an animated Barbie walking down the street with the sound. Gobbles. Sorry, Gobbles specifically.

[A]

He's found it. Yeah.

[B]

See, he's already come up. Barbie's heels on ground.

[A]

Bobby's heels on ground. That's because that's what you searched. No, there's dropped down in your recent searches because you sense that shit regularly and.

[B]

Oh, here we go.

[A]

I agree. I am not getting back to us. Of course.

[B]

Wait, Barbie.

[A]

Expect we'll never hear from him for like of that. Just assume me and Amy are hanging out. Yeah. Talking about him dumping a packet of Skips.

[B]

I will find it and I will send it to you.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But it's. Yeah, it's a really specific noise.

[A]

Yeah, but that's what you want. The creme brulee.

[B]

That's what? The creme brulee.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

When we hit it.

[C]

Lavender and tonka bean cranberry.

[B]

Yeah, we're. Obviously, we're wanting like a very smooth texture as well, but not. I don't like it when they're wobbly. You know, when they're slightly panna cottery. Yeah, none of that.

[A]

The one last night was a bit panna cottery. Actually. I don't know if you would have approved.

[C]

Probably because they just pulled it straight out the fridge and done the thing.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, you can't always have both.

[B]

You can't.

[A]

Actually. What's more important to you? The. The Top or the bottom?

[C]

What bread do you want with that?

[B]

There was honestly, a bit of me that was like, do I want a little lavender shortbread with it?

[C]

I would normally creme brulee ends up coming with, like, a shortbread, in which

[B]

case, can I have a lavender and old gray shortbread?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That is.

[B]

There we go. I've just. All of my food involves some kind of dipping.

[C]

Dipping or mopping?

[B]

Dipping or mopping.

[C]

Yeah. Well, it's. It's a fun thing to do.

[B]

It is a fun thing to do. Yeah. I like a bit of activity. Dip them up, as they say.

[A]

Gonna read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You want sparkling water, fine mousse popping on some bread. Sourdough with melted crab butter from Noto Noto. Yeah. In Edinburgh. Because the way it was written here, I was like, it can't be called NATO starter. You want a traditional Scandi pickled Heron trilogy main course, Saag paneer from Mother India with roti from Tingtai Caravan. That tastes like the first slice of jojoba after you're sick. Side dish, smoked tomato with cream cheese yogurt and chili oil from Sylvan in Glasgow. Drink Mezcal Paloma from Bustopher Jones in Truro. Shout out Truro dessert, lavender and tonka bean creme brulee of your own invention with a lavender and Earl Grey shortbread. Good. How's that feel?

[B]

That feels so good.

[C]

That does sound really good.

[B]

I'm really excited about it. We'd have to have some proper breaks in between each course, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

When you're on the boat.

[B]

Yeah. There's no co. Like, it's. It's not, you know, it's not an orchestra, is it?

[C]

We've had less cohesive menu.

[B]

Have you?

[A]

Yeah, easily. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'd eat that over a lot of the pickled heritage.

[B]

It is the curveball. Yeah, for sure. No, I'm actually. I'm chuffed with that. That's smashing.

[C]

Sounds delicious.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Congratulations, Amy.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[C]

Amy, thank you for coming to the dream restaurant.

[B]

My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you, Amy.

[C]

Thank you so much to Amy for coming on the podcast. Well, James, you were baffled for a lot of that. It was beautiful.

[A]

Sensory overload.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

How things sound, how things smell, how things taste. But like all described in ways I'd never heard before. Some words I'd never heard before, some. Some. Some visuals that, in my head, didn't marry up with what Amy was talking about. The dishes. It was crazy. I mean, I can't be the only one who felt upside down during that episode.

[C]

Hey, look, it was a great episode. I love Damie's descriptions.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I don't think. You know, I think you can't have a go at someone for the way they describe the taste of something. Because taste is all so subjective. It's. It's all internal experience.

[A]

Oh, that's fair.

[C]

How do we know we're tasting the same things everyone else? How do we know we're seeing the same things everyone else? You might see in black and white.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Yeah, but. But how do I know that I

[A]

see him full color.

[C]

But how do I know that?

[A]

I've never lied to you.

[C]

Yeah, but you might not be lying to me, but you might be saying you see in full color. But what. How do I know what full color means to you?

[A]

Black and white's two colors. I can count at least six looking around right now.

[C]

Yeah, but. But how do I know that you know what two colors is?

[A]

I know.

[C]

This is what I mean. We never know. We never know if James Acaster could see him black and white or not.

[A]

Darren boy thinking, I don't know what two colors is. Yeah, I know what two colors is.

[C]

YeahSeal, yeah, but how do we know we're talking about the same thing when we talk about two colors?

[B]

Are you kidding me?

[A]

We've had loads of conversations about colors.

[C]

I got a 2:1 in philosophy, mate. Back off.

[A]

How do I know that you know what a 2:1 is?

[C]

That's a good point. Sound like my dad.

[A]

Biggest compliment Ed could pay someone. Thank you, Amy, so much for not saying the secret ingredients. The Bernard Matthews turkey dinosaurs.

[C]

Yes. Although now I do want a turkey dinosaur.

[A]

Wouldn't mind one. Do you want some ketchup with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta.

[C]

Gotta dip it.

[A]

Any particular dinosaur?

[C]

Oh, brontosaurus, I think.

[A]

I think they should start doing the one where the things fan out from its neck and it spits poison. But you should do that.

[C]

Yeah. The brontosaurus, I think, is the best for dipping.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Because you get the head, then some of the neck and then a bit more neck and then you got the. Basically got a nugget left.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You have to end with a nugget.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's more familiar. Yeah, but you just say you do. You don't use the head and neck as a handle to dip the nugget in.

[C]

Also good idea. I'd go. No, I'd go head gone, neck gone, body gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. And then you're ending with the big nugget bite at the end.

[A]

Amy F. Matthews, across all social media platforms is where you can find Amy and keep up to date on her gigs that she's doing. Any more podcast appearances, TV appearances, you can be Amy F. Matthews, Stan.

[C]

Yes, you can. And why not follow off many on social media.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Off menu official.

[A]

That's where you can tweet Benito directly for all your. All the chopping board competitions that we launch on here. That's. Most of that is on social media. And you just message Benito directly. He has been sneaky lately. And he's added a little thing. I didn't know that there was, like, text that comes with the podcast that

[C]

you can read show notes.

[A]

The show notes. And he's added in that no one will get a chopping board. It's not gonna happen. It's a joke those two have made up. But you've got to remember, Benito doesn't know what he's doing when he's writing those show notes. He's drinking hooch.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And moonshine.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

And he doesn't know. He doesn't mean any of that. So if he doesn't send you a signed chopping board, you really should keep persistent and asking for one until he does it. Because.

[C]

Because he loves. He loves ripping you off. Because Benito, he. All day, he just sits high on moonshine in his outside bath.

[A]

Yeah. Chuckling away, scrubbing his back with a. Yeah. Of a brush. Old wiry brush.

[C]

Laughing so much with his one tooth glinting in the sun.

[A]

With the moon. In the light of the moon. Yeah. With his banjo rested on the side of his wooden, rickety old porch. And he loves ripping you off.

[C]

He loves ripping you off. And he gets out his bath, and then the light of the moon glints off his pale buttocks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he chuckles into the night sky, imagining all of you not getting your signed chopping boards.

[A]

Yes. So you have to persist. Yeah. And just go, remember, you owe me a signed chopping board.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And decide which competition it was for, because that is the only bit that I'll grant him is confusing for him is there's a number of competitions where the signed chopping board is the prize, so you really should remind him which one it was. Which. Which one of the many hashtags, the

[C]

monkeys are in charge of the bus hashtag.

[A]

The monkeys are in charge of the bus and any other hashtags we told you to attach in the past.

[C]

Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week.

[A]

Goodbye.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Hello there, Amy, Ed, James, Bonito and everyone else at HoffmanU plc. Sorry to miss your call. I was at Pilates, but I'm delighted to say that Amy's memory is not a false one. In fact, my Skip sprinkled Sag paneer was the crowning glory on what I would truly count as one of the Lower end Top 50 Greatest Days of my life. It was The Edinburgh Fringe 2022 and the sun was shining and Covid was over, sort of, and I was feeling a foolish optimism about my prospects. That day I had gone with my friends Liam and Hannah to the summer hall to watch a lunchtime show of Hayley Magee's Ages of Feeling, a theatre piece so moving I've spent most of the last three years ripping it off before the three of us day tripped to Portobello to swim in the sea and contaminate a Turkish bath. With our hearts full and our pores cleansed, we returned to the Pleasants where I performed my well written, if abysmally titled stand up Show My Future My Kata, which had a banana and a yogurt on the poster specifically to appeal to fans of this podcast and which I'm contractually obliged to say is still available to view on YouTube. I could have gone straight home happy after such a day, but what a thrill instead to receive a late call up to Kismot Curry House to meet Amy Matthews and her delicately sozzled entourage. Kismot is the home of the iconic Iron Bruner, but I was not yet in my orange phase and had other fusions on my mind. Some of the finest pub podcasters and award sharers in the game watched with a mix of delight and impatience as I produced a bag of skips left over from my Portobello picnic and crushed them over my paneer, shouting shall I be mother? Which broadly confused people because the Tim Key episode hadn't come out yet. It was a taste sensation for the ages and stands as a reminder to always take the path less travelled where possible. Poppadoms or bread? Why not prawn instead?

[B]

Hey, I'm Alison Spittle.

[A]

And I'm Fern Brady and you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu.

[C]

I think in my episode I got

[A]

very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply

[B]

doesn't toast as a bread, and I said that I take it in the hand and a mouth like communion.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

I did.

[A]

That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore that Feeling, a show by two ex

[B]

Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion, ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday 10th February. So please listen and subscribe.