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Benito Skinner
Benito James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Heckler's welcome, which is going to be on Sky Now TV and hbo. Max, it's on all of those like right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them. I'd like them to know. Okay. I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye. After investing billions to light up our network, T Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus right now you can switch keep your phone and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and at t. @t mobile.com keepandswitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service ported 90 plus days with device ineligible carrier and timely redempt required card has no cash access and expires in six months. What a difference a day makes. Swap your airport transit. Wait for an exciting stopover in Qatar where idyllic beaches and vibrant souks are all just moments away. Enjoy a 24 hour Qatar stopover with 5 star hotels from only $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.com Terms apply Hey guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic famous foods from restaurants across the country anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your Life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code Gift. The holidays are a time to feel and create joy. And what could be more joyous than the look on her face as she unwraps a stunning new jewelry piece from Blue Nile? How about getting 50% off your purchase? Blue Nile offers premium quality priced below traditional retail. Their online experts are available 24. 7. To answer any questions and make sure you've picked the perfect gift. For a limited time, you can get 50% off at bluenile.com that's 50% off at bluenile dot com Discover Hydro the best kept secret in fitness Hydro is the state of the art at home rower that engages 86% of your muscles, delivering the ultimate full body workout in just 20 minutes. From advanced to beginner, Hydro has over 5,000 classes shot worldwide and taught by Olympians and world class athletes. For a 30 day risk free trial, go to hydrow.com and use code RO to save up to $800 on a Hydrow Pro rower. That's H Y-D R-O W.com code row well, hello and happy Boxing day. If you're listening to on Boxing day in any year. Yes, happy. I guess any day you're listening to this on. Yes, happy that day. Even if it has a name. Oh, they all have names, don't they? Happy last day of the world. Happy Monday. Maybe some of you listen to on Apocalypse day. It's time to wrap up another year's service at the dream restaurant. 2024 has been a big year for off menu. We released a whopping 57 episodes, discovered that Sebastian Stan really loves pranks, and Danny Dyer swore more than all of our previous guests combined. Benito wrote all this? Yes. This is the script. It is. We're reading it verbatim. It's what Benito wrote. Yes. Which is my favorite thing every year. Yeah, it is. Is reading what he's written on the best of. Welcome to part one of our favorite clips from the last 12 months of off menu episodes. Expect sparkling in italics. He's put that conversation, delicious jokes and bread loads. He's put brackets like shed loads of food chat. Actually, Benito didn't write that bit. That was all James. That was Benito. Now it's time for our first section of the best of it's national treasures. Let's start this year's best of by digging for Trej. It says Tresh. Tresh. It says Tresh. By digging for Tresh, we've had national treasures aplenty in the dream restaurant this year. Danny Dyer, Jessica Hines, Peter Capaldi, Natalie Cassidy, Derren Brown, Rick Astley and Ray Winston. That is mad. Whoa. I. I love a roast because we all, we all sit around the table and blank each other. But at least, at least we've made the effort to sit around the table. Yeah, so I never, when I cook for the kids, they always have different things. So I can never really cook on the same thing, which is the beauty of an air fryer, you know? So I ain't got a. About putting two things in an oven. Yeah. You know, like, like my boy who loves them little frozen pizzas. If I was to make him one like fresh. You want. You're going, how fat? I don't want it. I got my. I bought a pizza oven outside. It's cost me five grand. Right. When you're not going to eat it? No, I want the little frozen ones. You can hell. What have I brought up here? What am I dragged up? Yeah. The tip to the little frozen ones is you get your air fryer sort of squirt. You just squirt it on the top. Yeah. Just to give it a nice little bit of. What are you squirting in there? Or the oil. Right, okay. Bit of oil on the top. Yeah. Just so it goes a little bit browner. Yeah. You know, so. Because they're horrible, them frozen pieces. Like the Chicago town, you never get them right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chicago town. And then just these bland. Especially the four cheese one that he likes. Yeah. It's one cheese. There's no way in the world there's four cheeses on it. So now and again there's a Katsu curry one, which hell. God. But so. So it will have a pepperoni. Sometimes you'll have a cheese and a pepperoni. Yeah. You know, just to mix it up. And I'll just do some fries in here for. That's him done. Chop up a bit of cucumber to make myself feel better. Yeah, yeah. See him sort of gnaw around that because he won't really eat veggies and stuff. Yeah. My daughter, she's 17, she's a little bit more open with food. It has to be certain things, certain pastas, you know, like pasta is the same thing in it. Not the new pasta. I'm talking about dried pasta. Yeah. No matter what shape it is, it takes the same, doesn't it? But it has to be. If I do this, I do a vodka pasta. It has to be the little far felli. Huh? The dicky bows. Yeah, yeah. And I'm sorry to say this, well, but they're a cunt to get hold of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like pen a sweet rigatoni. You can get hold of the sweet, but the far feli. Yeah. It's got to be a certain gaff. You got to get it. There's another one, the shells. It begins with a C. Pockets of love. Now you do them with a bolognese. You know, it's. It's a beautiful thing. But they're great because they catch loads of sauce. Yeah. Little, little pockets are just, you know, it's beautiful. But yeah, it's got to be far fairly. So. So I've done that for yesterday anyway. So now for the rest of the week I've got to try and come up with. I bought a magnet for the fridge. Right. Menu magnet. But what we're gonna do. We're going to write down what you want to eat all week so I, I can, you know, get it in all in order. No one's gone near it. They're not interested in it. So every morning I go, what do you want me to do? And I just don't get it in all. That's just like. I don't know. Okay. But I need, I don't need a rough idea. Just because later when you' hungry. And I've got. Because I'm. I've legally got features. There's a few things I've got to do till you're 18, which is, you know, feed you, get you about. You basically just become a cabby and a chef. Yeah, that's. That's the two main things. The other thing is every time they turn your water tap on, there's got to be hot water. Yeah. When it gets cold, the radiators have to work. That's the other thing. And you've got to clothe them. Yeah. But when they're 18, that's it. They can off. Yeah. So up to that point, I need to know what the. Do you want to eat? Yeah. So, you know, so it's always. It's like four different things. That's what it is. So. But so luckily by Friday, it's a takeaway. Yeah. Just get away of it. So I don't know what's happening tonight. There's been no discussions when I left, so I know it's on me when I get home. What the they're gonna do. It's gonna be frozen. Oh, that's not in the fridge. Oh, why didn't you get that? And because you didn't tell me this morning. But I do love them. Yeah, yeah. I love them very, very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you haven't got kids, there's no rush. Yeah, yeah. Dream main course. Okay. You're eating this with a spoon. You could eat. Probably eat it with a spoon, but you might want a fork. Yeah. Because there's something that I. We discovered. We did a lot of tempura during lockdown. This was a thing that we did. And so this, this main course is a sort of combo of things. But one of the. I mean, maybe. I suppose I could call it a side, but it's on the main plate. But it could also be a side. Okay. But when we were in lockdown, I had a card that let me go to shop in the cash and carry, which I was registered for vat. I didn't Think there was a problem with it? I don't know. Just maybe I'm not running soups and dips yet. Maybe I'm just in the kind of R D stage. But still, I had a cash and carry card, so those were the only circumstances which my husband would let me panic buy. Because obviously cash and carries, that's the point of cash and carries, all panic buying. You know, it's tins and tins and tins of everything. And they have big, lots of everything. So it's kind of. I've never been in one, but it's my dream to go, oh, my God, I can't believe that. It is so fun. Yeah, it's so fun. I bet. So one of the things they had there was huge tubs of artichokes. So artichokes. Big, solid, lovely artichokes. So you would buy it and it would seem like an expensive buy. It would be quite a lot of your bill, because obviously artichokes are expensive. But when you kind of worked out how much you were playing for one tub of artichoke for literally three little slices, it worked out a bargain. You may as well. So we had quite a lot of artichokes knocking about in the house during lockdown, and tempura was kind of on the menu. And then I was like, artichoke tempura. Yeah, let's go there, let's go there. And it was out of this world. That sounds amazing. It really was. Artichoke tempura. Why wouldn't. Why wouldn't you. Because it's like the way an artichoke is. There's layers and so this surface area for more. The beginning of the way it is, the way an artichoke is the way she is. So there's layers. Exactly. So that when you kind of, you know, cook it like that, it kind of holds its shape, obviously, because they were really good proper. They were kind of in brine, so they weren't too slimy and squidgy. They were. Still had a little bit of crunch. They were good kind of cured artichokes, if you like. And they work brilliantly temporal. So that would be a feature in my main course. How big was the tub of artichokes? I think we'd all like to know. Okay. Like. Okay, let me just try to think of, like, how could I. Could I describe it in this context? I mean, bucket. I was going to say bucket, but that would be too big. So not bucket. Not a bucket. Not a bucket. Like a small bucket. Small bucket. A small. A kind of a lot. A very, very large jar. So, like, what if you imagine the largest jar, like an unreasonably large jar that you would never find in any vase? It depends on the vase. I mean, small vase. Also, I think a few people might be listening to this and thinking that they've got a very different definition of panic buying than you have. Right. Because you panic bought a tub of artichokes. We all remember that part of lockdown. Yeah. Where everyone went mad and bought up all the artichokes and you couldn't find any. My husband was extremely, like. Like strict. So we would go. We would. Like about not panic buying. Yeah. It's like, absolutely so. But he was almost so worried about it that we would go shopping and I would put two bags of muesli and he would say, put that back. Put one back. I was like, I think it's normal to buy two bags of music. Yeah. But he wouldn't allow it. Even outside of a pandemic. I would buy two bags of music, but it was not allowed. You have a Muslim every morning. You don't want to buy Musli every single week. Yeah. Buy two bags. That makes sense. Yeah. Regardless of the child situation, if it wasn't for your wimp husband. How. How much? You called a bit. We edited it out. Yeah. No, no, I. I did not call him that. He was vet. He was a good citizen. Better than me. Square. No. Good citizen. So it wasn't for your good citizen of a husband. Thank you. How much do you think you would have bought of stuff? Do you think you would have panicked? Would you have gone? No, I would have. I mean, although in some cases, when things eased, I did then buy. Okay, we're still eating brown rice and. And in fact, chickpeas and in fact, lentils. Do you buy the big sacks of rice? Oh, yeah. It came in boxes, so. Yeah. So, yes. Yeah. I had to buy buckets so it didn't go off. But I felt like that was okay because it's not like I'm going to the shops and then clearing. I was buying it from somewhere that wanted to sell lentils in bulk. Yeah. Does that quality, does that count as panic buying? Not really. Not if you're still having it. It's not like. No. Yeah. I guess everyone who's walking around cash and carries is probably not panicking. But I will tell you this. When it all arrived, when it all arrived the first time, my husband was like, what is this? I said, I've bought some things in bulk from, you know, wholesaler stuff that I think that would be useful. And he sat down, he said, I've done the calculations. If we eat this food stuff for every meal, we will still be eating it in seven years. He said, you are going to have to send half of this back. So I did. I did. I sent half of it back. Yeah. Because it was just completely. Well, they probably thought you were like a survivalist or something. Yeah. And to a certain extent, in that moment, I felt. Felt like that's maybe what it was. So. But anyway, so I did have to send half of it back. Sure. See, I've learned how to make lentil soup, so. Yeah, that explains your starter. That explains why lentil soup is what. Guys, it's lentil soup again. You're peeling chips, making your own hummus. Yeah. So far, every single dish has been things that you panic bought during the pandemic. Toilet paper for dessert. That was one thing. We didn't panic. Yeah, no, that was not. I never understood that. Never understood. Or Hook. Hook's the other big role, I think. Yeah, yeah, I've been offered that. Yeah. Because Hook you also play. But that's not a panto, really. It's Peter Pan. Yeah, but that's. You can do a panto. Peter Pan. Peter Panto. I guess so. But when you play Hook, you also get to play Mr. Darling. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Traditions. There's all these traditions in panto that you have to follow. It's also to do with how much money they've got. So they can't afford a Mr. Darling. Yeah. So they get Captain Hook to play Mr. Darling also. And of course, obviously, Captain Hook's hook is a measure of how good the pantomime is. Oh, yeah, of course. Such as the lamp. Yeah. Same with the lab. Because if you get just like a plastic at Woolworths kind of hoop, you know, like you're. You're Aladdin lamp here. It's not going to impress the audience very much. No, no. You need a proper sharpened hook, don't you? Yeah. And also you can. Obviously the actors. Yeah. There's always that kind of knob of metal. Yeah. Or gray plastic. Yeah. On top of his hand. Yeah. And the hook comes out the end of that. Where obviously, if he's hand had been removed, could be space there, so the hook would be further up. So I don't know how you do that. The palladium panther, they actually remove the. The actor's hand. Yeah. For. Yeah, yeah. Reattaches. Who are the stars of that? This year. I don't know who it is this year, but certainly the years I've been named big names and then also regulars as well. So we're talking Clary. He's in it a lot. Love him. Yeah. Havers is in it a lot as well as. Haven't done it this year. Yeah. I. Nigel Havers. I've never seen anyone have a better time than Nigel have is doing the Palladium panto. Yeah. Yeah. He's having a scream, that guy. Yes. He seems to have a scream most of the time. Yeah. It seems a very happy fellow. Yeah. You cross paths with Havers? I don't think I have. Wow. I don't think he's got his own theater company now. Doing Private Lives with Patricia Hodge. Oh, yeah. There you go. I have literally crossed paths with Havers before. Near where I used to live. I went for a run and I ran past Nigel Havers. Well, that's ironic, because of us came to fame via Chariots of Fire. Yes, of course. Very famous sin. Yeah. All the young men running on the beach. Yeah. And I can see you there. Yeah. Well, I don't. I don't run as well as that. He was probably looking at me. Did he run in or did he have a croissant cup of coffee? It was quite some vibes. He was strolling, had a big scarf on, that sort of thing. You can't run any. I mean, after you've been in Chariots of Fire, it's like, you can't go running in public if you're Nigel Havers. Everybody starts singing that theme tune at you or whatever. You can't do it. I crossed paths with you once, Peter. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Ask you for directions. It's fine if you don't remember. Was I nice or not nice? You're lovely. You knew. You knew where the place was. You gave me successful directions. I'll tell you what happened. I was going for an audition. This is many years ago. And it's at the American church on Tottenham Court Road. Oh, yeah. And I'd never been there before. And I was a bit late and I was really panicking. Yeah. Because I didn't know where it was. And then I saw you and I thought, peter Capaldi, you'll know where the American church is. All right. And you directed me straight there. That's fantastic. Yeah. It was the most successful bit of that day, I tell you. Did you get the job? No, no, no, no. It was five lines to play Warren Beatty in a drama about Barbara Windsor's life. I Can see the Warren Beatty kind of thing now. That's what the casting director said. And then I started doing the lines and she looked very disappointed. She shouldn't have. I think you look. I think you look like a dead ringer. I was on Graham Norton with Warren Beatty. Were you? Yeah, yeah. And he was really, really nice. But he did that thing that big stars tend to do. He said to me, when you're in la, we must have dinner. And I said, yeah, of course, that'd be great. And that was it. And I thought, but how do you do that? Do I. What happens? Do I go to LA and try? Because you don't give me a card or a number or anything like that. Who don't get in touch with Graham Norton and say, have you got a contact number for Warren? And do I call him and does he remember or do I get through to his people? How does that work? Do you want to go for a meal with Ed instead and pretend he's one? Thank you. No worries. Obviously, I would love to. Yeah. But at the moment things are really. Sure you're in Criminal Record, the show and stuff. Yeah. Thank you. Anyway, I quite like flat. Flat sparkling water, though. What, like a soda water? Like a soda water, but leaving it. Leaving it to go flat because it tastes different. I don't. We've mentioned it on the podcast before. I don't know why that when you leave sparkling water to go flat should just taste like still water, shouldn't it? But it doesn't. It's got its own flavour. Yeah, I don't like that. What do you think of Ed? That he likes it. What do you think of Ed now? I'm wondering how you got there and I'm wondering if you had sparkling pint of sparkling water next to your bed that went flat and then had it and liked it. Do you remember how that happened? You know what it might have been maybe in a hotel or something on tour where, you know, you go into a hotel and there might be a bottle of still and a bottle of sparkling. I'm drinking the still first of all. And then I might get back later and be like, I'm gonna have some water and it's sparkling, a couple of sips or kind of sparkling before bed. Pop it on the bedside table, wake up in the morning, well, I need some water. Hello. So, yeah, that's insane. Hello to the water. Not to, like, the cleaner or someone who's coming. Yeah, the hotel manager. And I would. I said, knowing me, I would say hello to the water. Out loud if I was by myself. Yeah. I say hello to it in Annabeth objects quite a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah. Can you remember some inanimate objects you said hello to? I like to do it if I've got coats on the banister. Yeah. I'll talk to them. I'll go, right, come on, time to get you away. Time to get you away. Because they're on the banister. So let's get them in the cupboard. I go, come on now, stop hanging out on the banister. You've had your fun. Yep. You've been out for long enough. You've had your airing. Get back in the cupboard. That's good. I'm trying to think if I speak to any inanimate objects. Yeah, we do need to hear that. I mean, I just. You've got four cats, though, so I think you get a lot of your talking out. You've got four cats and how lovely. I had a friend stay for five days recently, and that made me realize how often I say hello to the cats is every time I see them, I say hello to them individually by name, and I realize how much it was not annoying my friend, but, like, how he must think I'm just bonkers. Yeah. I'm just constantly saying hello to them. That's what children do to parents. Yeah. So I won't really say hello, Eliza every time I see her, or hello, Joanie. I don't do that. But they go, mum, mum, mum, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. And that's what you're doing to your cats. Yeah. Even in the course of one conversation. So they'll get your attention. With mum, you'll say something back, and then they'll say mum again and say something. Say mum all the time. I. I just. I don't like it when waiters point at your food. I don't like it when they. They get really close with their. With their finger. Maybe this is just like a nicer restaurant thing, but has anybody else brought this one up? No, I'm not sure. We're not at the pointing. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm going to work alphabetically through my. So, yeah, that thing with the finger, when they come in, they go, this is a carrot. And this is. And they're pointing, and they're not actually touching the food because you can slide a sheet of paper between their fingers. Prove it. But that's. That's. That's an annoying habit that I don't like. It's sort of like. It's like it's like operation. Yeah, it's like that. Like where they hover it just. Just above. Yeah. Have you ever been tempted to get your plate and move it up really quickly so their finger goes right in your food? You have to grab the whole table. No. You know. No, you could do the whole time. Yeah. No, you'd grab the plate lift. And I haven't done that. But that would defeat the point because contamination is the risk. Yeah, but then you get a new one, Right. Would they give you a new one if you just lifted the tape off into their finger? I'll tell you who would struggle with that. Martin Freeman. He's very weak. He can't even lift a plate. Oh, he was on my show being weak. I said, I thought you just being mean about him. Darren Brown got him to lift a plate. He couldn't lift the plate. You can just say Darren when he's in the room. James John put a phone on the back of his neck. He told him all stuff about crystals. He said, it's really power. He said, this is God. Yeah. He said, martin, this is a very powerful phone. And then you couldn't lift the things up. He couldn't lift stuff up. He couldn't lift a pencil up. That's right. He couldn't lift a plate up. It was embarrassing. It's a plate with like a sandwich on it. That's right. God, yes. He's a nice. We've watched all your stuff. We know it all. But like. Yeah, I mean, when you're doing something like that with something like Martin Freeman, are you like, man, you're gonna. I'm gonna make you look so weak on tv. You love it. I think anyone remembers that, apart from the fact he is brilliant. But I think. I don't think anyone's ever mentioned the making Martin Freeman weak. That's very. That's very niche. It's a good one. Yeah, it's a good one. Maybe he mentions it. Maybe he mentions it. I think we had him on the podcast. Maybe we did bring it up. I don't know if we brought it up or not. It was very well dressed. Yeah, very well dressed. It was during lockdown. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still a little dicky. Still look pretty good up there. But I like that your interpretation of it is. Wasn't Martin Freeman embarrassed when he came out and said he was weak, but he probably just thought, oh, I'm on a Darren Brown show and Darren's done a trick on me. No, because when Devin told him all the stuff when Devin was like. All that stuff I told you was nonsense, by the way. You could tell. He was like, I'm just a weak man in his eyes. It was like, oh, no. You give him a whole spiel about how the energy in crystals is the same as our energy. I'm really trying to remember what it was. It was so long ago. The vibrations in the phones are the same as the vibrations in the crystals. I'm gonna put it on the back of your neck now, Martin. Now lift this. He can't lift a plate, he can't lift a pen. Ultimately I'm clever than you is the bottom line of anything I do. That's the take home. Yeah, yeah, that's the take home. Especially for Martin Freeman. Stronger than Martin, stronger man than you. Pop ups or bread. Pop dubs or bread? Pop dubs or bread? Jesus, the bread. I'm going for the. There's a grill. I used to live not far from Dalston and there is a place there called the Dusty Knuckle and it's. Do you know it? Yeah, yeah. And I found out many years later that they employ. I think it's people, ex prisoners perhaps. And so which, given it's got a slightly charitable edge to it, you might expect that to sort of take the edge off the quality of the bread, if anything. But it does. Still, bread focused and charity focused. Yeah, exactly. So I fell in love with that when I lived in London. Haven't had it for a while, but they're sourdough of late, I've discovered. I've been in Bristol a lot recently and Hearts Bakery in Bristol also does a very good there. Also, Reg the veg, which is the world's greatest regular, is a heart. The one that's under like temple. Means you come out and go down there. Phenomenal place, Bristol. As I often do. That is definitely really, really good. Great sausage rolls. Very good sausage rolls. Yeah. I love that place. It's brilliant. Well, there you go, there you go. So, yeah, I'd go for a really good sourdough. A nice sourdough, yeah. It's sort of the hipster of the bread bowl, isn't. I sort of hate myself saying it, but it is tasty though, isn't it? That's the thing. Yes. Butter, warm with butter. Yeah. None of the oil nonsense. Yeah, yeah, Warm and butter. A little bit of salt, cracked salt and that. Lovely. I never know whether when it's warm you feel they've just cooked it. It probably isn't. They probably just stick it in the microwave for a bit or warm it up. But yeah, for the dream. You want it out, you know, just cooked, right. Yeah. We won't microwave it in the dream restaurant. No, you wouldn't do that. It wouldn't be a microwave. This is all. All bread is fresh out the oven. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever baked yourself? No, not myself. That's the next. Next TV show. Yeah, that's the finale. You're still writing this show? This live show. Myself. You bake yourself? I tried to. I had the lockdown thing. I tried it. Like, I did, like a lemon drizzle and a couple of things. Yeah. And then that was. That was it. Did you. Did you embrace. Didn't do any baking? Realized very quickly that shops were still open and stuff. You could. You could go and get a loaf of bread. You could buy your own way easier scones. You mainly did barbecuing. I did a lot of guy. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I'm making rotisserie chicken quite a lot at the moment. I've got rotisserie in my new oven. Nice. That's nice. That is fun. Do you find. I would find it very easy to just watch it? Yeah, yeah. You do. You put the light on. You just sit and watch it. Grab a stool or a cushion and listen. I don't want to keep on chipping in ideas for your new show. You got to find new ways of hypnotizing people. Watch a rotisserie chicken. You go into a trance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. Yeah, yeah. That's not a toy, is it? That kind of stuff? Yeah. Okay. Brilliant, brilliant idea. Yeah. A giant. Giant chicken. Clearly fake, but a giant chicken on stage. Rotating. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And they get hypnotized, and then when they're hypnotized, you swap them with the chicken, and then they wake up and they're spinning on the spit and you're like. And is it all chickens in the audience now? Yeah, the audience is full of chicken, but the chicken's headless because. Yeah. How are they watching? You haven't thought this through? No, I haven't thought it through. They had this at first. Then you restore the heads. I love. As we're talking, Ben's just like, making. Every time Ben writes stuff down, you know? Yeah, well, no, Ben's probably writing down the idea for the trick, and then he's going to do it himself. Ben used to be a magician, right. When he was a little, little boy. It's why his nickname is the Great Benito, because he called himself the Great Benito. He had a waistcoat and a magic box and everything. And we put on magic tricks in the living room calling himself the Great Benito. So he probably is writing down ideas for his magic show silently. Do you ever have that in your shows? Can you ever look out and spot a magician in the audience like a fellow and go, oh, they're watching this differently. And I'm not sure they make notes like Ben does. Yeah, yeah. Gags and things. And they write them down. It's a little bit. A little bit annoying. Yeah. A little bit irritating. Oh, your dream drink then. So we got that nice salad. It's a chardonnay. It's an Italian chardonnay. It's Antinori, basically. And the reason I'm sort of like stumbling over saying that and everything is because of how expensive it is. It's ludicrously expensive. And it wouldn't be an everyday, you know, but I'm in my favorite restaurant, Dream restaurant. Yeah. You know, all the rest of it. Why not? Again, you don't see it everywhere, but when you see it. And I had a very weird experience in Italy recently and that was that. It's a long story, but I was picking. I don't fly that often, so I drive everywhere. Like, you know, I've driven to Budapest a few times and Southern Portugal, outer northern Norway and everywhere. I've driven across America a few times around Australia because I don't like flying that much. Yeah, I do do it, obviously, but I'm saying I cut it down and I like doing the drive as well. And also I think I've done an awful lot of traveling, especially when I was younger, where I was on planes all the freaking time. And you arrive someone, you go, oh, okay, I'm in the back of a car and I saw this and I saw that. And then I've been to Rome, but I've got no freaking clue about Italy or what it's like or anything. And driving there, you get a sense of it because you just stay in places and do stuff. Anyway, on with the story. So I'm gonna pick my wife and a friend up in the airport in Rome. So the night before, I just stayed outside of Rome, on the coast, actually. Fun enough in a little place, not a fancy place at all. It was just me. And very often I'll just think, I'm not going to spend a fortune. I'm only going to be there to sleep. So. And I go downstairs and I went into the little restaurant they had and it was. It was like there Was nothing. It was lovely. But there's nothing amazing about this place. Not what you're expecting. I'm looking on the wine list and I see this wine. I sort of think, no, no, no, hang on a second. And it has got a younger brother, by the way. Yeah. Which is about half the price. Yeah. I kept reading it going. I think what they've done is here, they've. It's the younger brother, but they've written it like it's the big brother. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I said, can I have a look at that wine? And he said, yeah. So over he goes. Or I think maybe I went to their wine cabinet and I'd look at it. It. They had like a glass, you know, I thought, no, that's pretty much. That's, you know, and it was literally the big brother. It was stupid, the price of it. It was like, so much so that when I told my wife and her friend the day after, they said, well, perhaps we should just go back and buy everything they've got. It was too cheap. I know. And I felt guilty about it, actually. I kept thinking, no, no, should have told them, should have told them. And anyway, whatever. It's been a dilemma ever since, but it is phenomenal, this wine. And my favorite wine, anyway, is Chardonnay. And Chardonnay's got a bit of a bad rep, I think, over the last 15 years. I was. Oh, shot. I don't want to drink that. Footballers call her kids Chardonnay. I don't want to drink that nonsense, which is absolute bollocks, because the finest white Burgundy you can possibly have is Chardonnay. People just don't call it that necessarily up front because it's sort of frightened everyone into thinking it's like, you know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, there was that ABC thing for a long time. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's. It's sort of got a bit of a bad rep. And it sort of annoys me when I go into a restaurant and they don't have a Chardonnay by the glass. It really annoys me because I'm like, you're reacting to that. You're not reacting to whether it's good or not. And. And we've traveled a lot in America and got a lot of American friends, and some of their sh. Are just unbelievable. My daughter and quite a few of her friends and family friends have this thing about me liking buttery Chardonnay. Yeah. So much so that it's almost become ridiculous. So that, like, if we're having a glass of wine, like in Copenhagen stuff. They're all looking at me, waiting for me to go. Now that's buttery. Is it buttery, Rick? You know what I mean? It's become like this sort of thing. But anyway, that is such a classic dad bullying thing. Yeah. You find the one bit of happiness your dad does. Yeah. And then destroy it. And then you make it a thing of mockery. You always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Sparkling? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight away. Yeah. Always sparkling. Yeah. It's a bit more interesting, isn't it? There's always something and you get a big half a lemon and you squeeze it in there. You got half a lemon squeezed in? Yeah, yeah. Bang. If you're gonna have a drink, have a proper drink, you know? Yeah, yeah. You know, don't mess around, you know, water's water. That's all it is. Yeah, it's very good. We need it to live. Yeah. But it's, you know, you can fancy it up, up a little bit. Yeah, nice. Do you have a particular sparkling water that you like? No, they're all the same, believe me. You know, some are more sparkling than others. I know, but. Yeah. Yeah. It's a load of cobblers, really. Someone's getting a lot of money out of bottling water. It should be free. It's natural, you know. You sound like what I'm getting so far. You trust people like. Like the. Especially. I mean, South London. They got to be very careful over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there a lot of sort of sparkling water gangsters over there? Yeah. I didn't know Millwall had got into the sparkling water. They ain't. They're everything, believe me. That's. I'm glad that you're squeezing the lemon in there as well. Some people just put the lemon wedge in or. Depends how much lemon you like. Yeah. If you just want a. A little bit of an aroma going on, then you just drop it in. Yeah. But if you like a lot of lemon. Yeah. You've got to squeeze it in. Yeah, yeah. Are you doing the crushed ice? I imagine you would, because you always talk. Yeah, yeah. Crushed ice is lovely, but it melts very quick. Yeah. With a sparkling water, you want chunks. Chunks, yeah. Big chunky ice. Yeah. I agree with the squeezing the lemon run. When people put a wedge in or like, if I have a gin and tonic or something and there's like a wedge of lime in there, some people just leave it to bob around. It's not doing anything. Well, I usually leave the lemon in there. If I'm having a vodka and coke or something like that, leave it in every time so I know how many I've had. So when you're making another one. Yeah, One in and a fresh one in. And you know how many drinks you've had. That is genius. Yeah. And then how many lemons would have to be in there for you to say, I'm not going to have another one. When you can't get no more drinking. Where's a glass of lemon? Yeah. What is a big glass of love, man? What a lot of treasures. We had a big load of trash. But from national treasures Ed to celebrity stories, our guests have dished the dirt on their famous encounters. Let's hear from Rhys Nicholson, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Finn Wolfhard. We went to this restaurant, Gimlet in Melbourne, and Gordon Ramsay was there. Yes. Was he? Yeah. And he walked through the kitchen to go to the toilet. Yeah. It's like you walking around the bar. Yeah. That's a power move. Yeah. And I don't think he even. Because in my head it was like, oh, he must be walking through going, great job, guys. Great job, guys. Yeah. Nap. Just walked through. Sorry. Got a. Yeah. It was exciting though, wasn't it? Yeah. To see Ramsay. Well, and a few weeks before, the Obamas had been there and classic hospitality. I found this out. This is all. We were having dinner at Ben's house and there was some chef there and we found out it was one of the chefs from Gimlet. And he said, oh, yeah, the. Halfway through the dinner, we mentioned that the Obama's at his restaurant tonight. And we, the. The dinner stopped. We were like, excuse me, what are you doing here? And he was like, oh, but I kind of understand. He was a little bit like, why would you know? It's like a hospitality mindset. I love chefs and people that their whole lives are about hospitality. Because I said, oh, are they in the private dining room? And he went, oh, no, it was booked. But you know, I mean, it's like, I can't. I respect it so much more because it was about. No, it's. I don't care who you are, it's booked. Yeah. Yeah. And so that was very impressive. And apparently, yeah, they, they sat like the Obama's just sitting out with secret service at tables around them, eating a good time. Great. I would have, I would have wanted to work that night if I was. I mean, yeah, I think that's, that's. To be there. It would have Been a buzz to be there, but what do you. Actually, I think I prefer the story that I didn't go. You didn't go. I think there's more satisfaction. Yeah. You get to meet a president. Yeah. I think to decide not to meet a president is pretty fun. If you were working there, James. Yeah. Say you were a waiter there. Yeah. And you were assigned to the Obama's table. Yes. How you. How are you playing it? Full erection, whole time, napkins going on. Are you saying it? Are you saying anything specific or are you just treating them like normal customers or are you trying any little jokes? Are you asking them any questions? It's a very good question, actually. I think I try and play it cool to begin with. Yeah, definitely. But then, like, I think probably pretty quickly I'd go into, like, asking them questions. Yeah. Confess you're drunk within two seconds. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, actually, to be honest, if I'm gonna go by a recent experience when I met. I met Andrew Garfield the other day. Oh, my God. And I did not. He hates man Dave. I did not. I did not play that cool. No. And he's not the Obamas. No, I think he's not. And that's not an insult to Andrew Garfield. I'm sure he'd agree. Film he's ever been in. Yeah. Yeah, I was. I was. It was at a festival and I was drunk. Yeah. My opening line to him, I'd never met him before. And he was chatting to Nishkoom. I get another shout out. Yeah. Everyone loves Nishi was chatting in this. I couldn't see who it was initially just chatting to someone at Glastonbury. I walk over, realise who it is. I go, garfield, you motherfucker. Right. Another person we can't have on the podcast. Oh, boy. Well, he's just doing a lasagna. His response was pretty good. He goes, acaster, you cunt. I was like, that sounds pretty good. But then the minute proceeded to just tell him about all of his films for, like a very long time. Coming on the podcast. Yeah. And that. So that's ruined. Yeah, yeah. Now we've ruined it. Did he have to. Do you make excuses and leave? Yeah, eventually. But, like, we had him there for quite a while. Had him. Had him there. You know, he couldn't get away for a bit. Yeah. He was in a corner. Yeah. I've never understood the concept of just walking up to someone you admire just to meet them. Yeah. Like, it's like similar, like. But you met him in the right way. Like you met him like, let's hit the story again. Garfield, you. You didn't handle it well, but you're in the right circumstance. Yeah, you could have. You've got mutual friends. Yeah. So that's how this has started. Talking to him. Yeah. But also, I just watched Silence, the Scorsese film. Had done it for the first time. I'd never seen it before. So that's what I said straight. So I said, caught him a. Yeah. And then I sat down and it was like, I saw Silence the other week, man, you're telling people to trample all the way through that film. You keep telling them to trample. Because he's telling people to trample on the Bible. And he was like, yeah, you like the trampoline stuff? I was like, yeah, you just tell them to tramp all the time. Like, oh, my God. So not. It wasn't even. I loved it. Great performance. It's more. These were some of your lines, Andrew. Yeah, but that was my favorite bit was how much he kept telling people to trample. So I was like, that's great. I told him that seeing Spider Man 2 in the cinema was the worst experience I've ever had in the cinema. Oh, mate. It's like, not because of him, honestly. It's like the people in the cinema. When you go to Cafe Gratitude, do you order in the way they want you to? You know, you have to say, I am the name of the dish. No, no, I am humbled. I am. Yeah, Worthy. Yeah, exactly. No, I just go, oh, man. Can I have the Gratitude bowl? Yeah, I am. And then they get. I think then they give you, like, you know, the word of the day or what have you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say, yeah. If you're going there regularly, you probably lose patience with that. That. Yeah, yeah. I bet there is a dish on there called Worthy. I'm trying to remember. I am worthy. I think there is something on there about Worthy. I have to ask. I think there is. Imagine if we Google it now and it turns out it's the green salad. Imagine that. It would be crazy. That would be crazy. He's in a trick for you, David Blaine. Yes. David has. Very jealous of that. He's done several. That's the only reason I want to be in this business. He's done several so that one day David Blaine will do a trick. Oh, he. He did something so crazy with Will and I really. Oh, he touched Will's shoulder and I felt it, but Will didn't. You cried. I cried. You saw it. I saw that you cried. Yeah, it was emotional because I was like, no way. How did you do that? So he touched Will's shoulder. But I felt it. You had your eyes closed and I had my eyes closed. And he said something like, you know, do you feel that? And I'm like, yes. And he's like, I'm not. I'm not touching your shoulder. So he was like showing the connection between us. And I haven't been able to get away from Will since because of that connection. Like, I blame it on David. We are really connected through David Blaine. Through David Blame. But yeah, it was a crazy experience. He's on a whole nother level. I can't believe you saw him do the spike through the hand stuff. I was obsessed with that for a brief period of time. Yeah. He was showing everyone that way. Genuinely just puts a spike through his hand. Yeah, I don't think he genuinely puts it. You're the things that you slam receipts on. Yeah, he just put one. It's an ice pick, wasn't it? He put an ice pick through his hand. Jada saw it and Jada touched it. Yeah. I don't even know. I don't. Well, look, I don't even mess with David. Cause I'm just like, you're otherworldly, man. I don't even know if you can call this magic. Well, when he came to London and he suspended himself in a see through box above Trafalgar Square or above the Thames, wasn't it? And everyone just came and shouted at him and stuff. Yeah. They weren't as impressed as ages. Like days and days and days and people just threw their McDonald's at it in the box. Really? Yeah. We didn't represent ourselves very well, isn't it? Oh my God. It went back. Yeah. I. I love like, yes, like alcoholic slush drinks. Yeah, absolutely. Great. And you don't see them on Blue Crew. The Blue. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you told them about this. No, I haven't told about the Blue Crew. Why would you? What's the Blue Cruise? Don't tell James. Don't tell them because I'll tell them about the Blue Cruise. Have to though. A bunch of us went for a meal before going to see Aber Voyage. Yeah. Obviously, as all grid stories start. Obviously. I knew you were going to Aber Voyage. Yes. And I spent all night while you're at Aber Voyage laughing about you going to Aber Voyage. Yeah. Yeah. Edge did a gig with Kamael. Kamael told him we were all going to See, Aber Voyage made him laugh. Immediately you get texts from Ed and Nish asking me about, you lot are going to Aber Voyage. Immediate text back. Yes. That's the first time I'm meeting Paul Rudd. Yeah. And it was. Yeah, it was the first time. Guess what? It was awesome. It was just terrifying. I walked in. So, first of all, I got to the restaurant, smoking goat. Great restaurant. Very good. Yeah. Got there and I was like, I wonder if we'll be the first here. As soon as you walk in, there's a girl freaking out to her mum that Ant Man's in the restaurant, so is you. So we're not the first here. Go over to the table and Finn. Finn's friend Fred and Paul are there. Kamau joins us, and my girlfriend and I. And then I see on the menu is a cocktail. Yes. It's called something blue. I can't remember what the first word was. Something. Look it up. Bonito's gonna. We did have it, but it. You guys, we've been there. Yeah, I know we've been there. Do we have the. I think we had. We might. Or. I definitely. I don't think I had it. Maybe. I don't know if I've had it before, because I wasn't. I jumped on it. I jumped on the bandwagon. Yeah. Immediately. So I ordered it. Just if it turns out you've had it before. Yes. It's the perfect James A. Castor story. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's absolutely perfect. I forgot I had it before. Cosmic Blues. The Cosmic Blues. Yeah. I wanted the Cosmic Blues because it had tequila in. Yeah. And then. And then everyone jumped on it. I immediately went. Because I. Sometimes I like copying people. Like, because, you know, this is a restaurant. I also didn't know. So sometimes I'll. You know, I'll get the locals. Yeah. Favorite. The locals favorite. So locals favorite. Everyone apart from Kamael orders. It has a stance. He took a stance. Yeah. Yeah. I am not getting the blue drip. But he didn't know it's gonna be blue. Oh, it's actually blue. Yeah. So this is the thing. I didn't know it was gonna be blue. So that's. That's where I did. This is where, like, that's why. This is where it went bad for me, because everyone's copied me. Come out like, no, I'm having something else. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you don't want to be in the Blue crew with a blue. Because it record that. Yeah. But then they come along. And they literally are like, neon blue. Ridiculous. And I was like, oh, no, I don't know these people well enough. Now I've made them all get this blue drink. Yeah. And started calling yourself the Blue Crew. Called us the Blue Crew. Rudd's there drinking the blue drink. He doesn't. He's not. He's not happy with it. Delighted about it. No. You know, he's trying to keep a low profile. Yeah. He's there with a neon blue drink. If he's waving it around. Waving around this neon blue drink looks like he's fucking holding the Tessa up. Yeah. You were the Thanos. Snap to his real life. Everything just disappeared after he drank that drink. Yeah. We all were bummed, I would say. Yeah. No one was happy about, however. It was so funny. Yeah. It's such a bit. We kept. We just kept. I finished the whole thing as like a. I was like, I don't like this, but I'm gonna. Yeah. Also, we were committed to being the Blue Crew at that point. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. At least I was. I don't know if there's any fake at the table. Yeah. I was the only one that was. It doesn't sound like Rod was fully in. No, he was. He felt in to me. Maybe one foot out at the least. Yeah. Also, I mean, for a full. Yeah. If the. If the listener wants a full kind of like image of who's at the table, I said, like, just like, you know, Finn's friend Fred. Fred plays the guy in the first series of White Lotus who goes canoeing. The kid who's doing that. So that's who that is. So that's funnier to me as well. I've made him do it. Yeah, it. Yeah, yeah. You know. You know, he loved it. Yeah, sweetheart. And then you all bought matching jackets. We did. No, we didn't buy them. We were given. Oh, wait, that. That makes more sense. It would have been hilarious if we bought them, though, because I bet they're really expensive. Because if. If you really do. If. If you hadn't been given them, you know, James would have tried to make you all buy them. Yeah. If you. And by the way, I would have. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're in the blue crane. I definitely would have. Duh. You and. You and Fred were good. You and Fred definitely would have bought. Yeah. Everyone else. I think I'd lost their trust by then, for you two was still on board. No, no, no, no. It's all in your head. It's all in your head. Bluey. Is he bluey I don't know. Yeah, we all got other names in the blue crew shirts. Purple, right? Bluey. Blue Boy. Blue Balls. Who's Blue Balls? Blue Balls. Blue Boy's Fred. Yeah, my girlfriend is Bluesy McUzzi and Bullbird is Blow Blood. Blow Blood. Blow Blood. AT&T customers, switching to T Mobile has never been easier. We'll pay off your existing phone and give you a new one free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile mobile.com CarrierFreedom to switch today. Pay off up to 650 via virtual prepaid MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to $830 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax qualifying port and trade in service on Go 5G next and credit required. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit stop and balance and required finance agreement is due. What a difference a day makes. 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Now, one guest has definitely been taking advantage of his celebrity status. Have you had a DM from Lisa Fox? Let's hear from Joe Locke. Is that something that you would do for a restaurant? Would you queue to get a table? No, normally we'll just DM them and then they give me a table. Yes. Finally, someone using the celebrity status. Sometimes it doesn't work, but it works quite a lot. I respect this honesty. Oh, I also have. This is a. I have a fake email that I use as my assistant, which is actually me on a different email, and I use that to get, like, restaurant things because I've realized that if you are pretending to be official. Yeah. There's more of a chance that people will take you seriously. Yeah. If it feels like you've got a scene called Lisa Fox. I wanted a name that was slightly, maybe porn star, but, like, still could be a real name. And she got me. She got me a free holiday. So that was. That was a great one. She's a great assistant. Yeah. Lisa Fox is great. And you don't have to pay or anything. No, I know, it's great. How does Lisa Fox's, like, email manner differ from your own? It's. She says the things that I couldn't say, like, oh, Joe is unable to do that, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we need. He'll only do one Instagram story or, like, really harsh, and I'll come in like, oh, thanks so much, Lisa. Does Lisa ever say anything about you, like, oh, Joe can be a bit temperamental, or. No, but maybe I should start doing. Yeah, yeah. That's more authentic, I think. Yeah, yeah. Eyeball emoji and stuff like that. It's been a really hard week with Joe this week. Sorry. Joe's not getting back in contact at the moment. Yeah. Are you worried now, though, that people might hear this and be like, well, we know who Lisa Fox is. We're not responding to that. You're going to just change it up? I'll just change her name. Think of another slightly porno name. It's not Lisa Fox with three X's, is it? But. No, but it should be. You change it, too. That's not the same person. Yeah, well, I mean, look, what we're very excited about is. Well, there's a number of things, actually, but Agatha, all along, we're excited about that. As Lisa Fox has got working hard with this. She's been using that to get me some restaurants. Yeah. Did she, like, email Kevin Feige? You know what? She didn't, but she maybe should. Yeah. For the future, I think her and Feige should talk. Or Feige's assistant. Or is it Feige pretending to be someone? Yeah, definitely. I feel like Feige probably does have an. I know he has an assistant. He does, yeah. Have you met them? I have. Is it Feige but with his cap off so you can't recognize? I have actually seen Viking without his cap. That's one of my big things in life. I've seen him without his cap on. Why did he take it off? I don't know. I think maybe because we were at dinner, you know, Got to be respectful. Yeah. He's got a really nice head. Has he? Yeah. Why does he hide it all the time under his cap? No, it's a power play. Clearly, he takes the cap off for, you know, his most valued cast members. I would hope so. Yeah. Let's just say he goes, this is the real me. Did he. Did he stare at you really intensely and say, this is the real me, Joe? He didn't. He didn't know. I'm gonna be really careful because I really would like him to give me more jobs. Yes. He listens to anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, no spoilers. You might be in trouble now just for the feeling that he's got a head. Maybe. I probably will be. Yeah. Edward will know. Feel the muffle brain, Fike. He's got a top of the head. Yeah. Well, we all start with still a sparkling water. Joe, do you have a preference? Sparkling, which. I feel like I'm the only person under 25 who likes sparkling water, but I find water boring. So the sparkling water gives it, like, I don't know, some energy, some fizz. Yeah. Well, you know, young people today, you got a shorter attention span. Yeah, exactly. So you need the water to be doing something. Exactly. I need to keep me hooked. Yeah. But you. You were saying that you think you're the only person under 25 who likes sparkling water? I think that. Is it not big with the kids these days? No. Oh, man. I feel like flavored sparkling water is. Yeah. Seltzer. Seltzer. Because everyone loves a White Claw, but not like, normal, like a bottle of San Pellegrino. So does it make you feel, like, older when you drink a sample? I do. I am an old soul in general, though, so, yeah, it feels very fitting. Yeah. That's why you're able to pretend to be Lisa Fox. Exactly. I Presume she's over 25. Well, yeah, she's in my head. She's like mid-30s and a bit too much filler, like. Yeah. Now, this is what I embody. This is what I am inside. Really? Yeah. That's aspirational. Let's pitch the movie. It's. It's Mrs. Doubtfire for the TikTok generation. You get yourself in a situation where you have to dress up as Lisa Fox. Yeah. So what if that happens? What if they want to meet her, you're emailing and they fall in love with Lisa Fox. I have had people ask me how she is when I've like, oh, how's Lisa? It's really great to email her. Oh, she's great. She's really good. Yeah. You know, she works really hard. Bit too much fellow again. She'll get the balance right one day. Oh, Lisa Fox. What a sneaky guy. We've had some strange people saying strange things in the dream restaurant this year. Just listen to this lot. Then these put Billy has put in brackets. This section's not for the squeamish, but it is for fans of Huge Davies, Katie Wick, Stuart Laws, Rick Astley and Robert Popper. Are you a foodie? Huge. Yeah. I love food. I make. I might do. I got quite foodie during lockdown because I lived alone for like, a long time. And then basically as a comedian, basically all I was doing, I was basically every day I'll get up and I would sort of delete the things out of my calendar and then I'd get. Check my emails, see what they'd canceled, inevitably. Then I delete them off my calendar and then I'd have the whole day. Yeah, basically. So I bet. Ended up making like, so much, like, food, like a ridge. Like, I tried to make so much food, so then the next day I'd have something to clean up. Oh, so you're basically giving yourself a chore. Yeah. So it's a job. Yeah. So clean, clean, clean your own. Yesterday, no dishwasher. I had a dishwasher. Not doing that because. Because then it's just deleting events off your calendar. Even More? Yeah, I've never, I don't think we've ever had anyone on the podcast who cooks in order to clean. No, but also I'm worried about the next day. So you're cooking one day, eating the food and then you've got the cleaning up the next day. You then cooking on the same day as the cleaning or were you only eating every other day? Yeah, so I'll take, what I'll do is I'll clean in the morning, have a nice long four hour break. Yeah. Start cooking again in order to then clean the next day. Yeah, yeah. What sort of food were you making? What was, was it specifically dirty food or things that crust in stuff that I thought I couldn't do? I think I, I like, I made dumplings from scratch, which was like, I don't know if I could do that, but it was really, it was really good. I, I did it, I made. And also, each time I'm obviously making way too much because you can't just cook for a portion for one person. No, no, Actually, interestingly, I, I would have lunch every. So that was. I'd have, I'd have my meals with a spider, actually. Interestingly so. Like, there was a spider that started making a web on the, on the table. And I initially it was like, let's get rid of that. But I was like, if the spider goes, then there won't, there won't be anyone else. So I had lunch with a spider every day. Simon. No, sorry, sorry, Dennis. Simon was a different thing. What was, Simon? Was it the button that squashed it, drew her face? No, that was Lloyd. Hang on. What? Huge in lockdown. Got so lonely that he drew a face on a button at squash, like Wilson and he called it Lloyd and he hung out of it all the time and he pushed it around with a. In a pram? Yeah. In a pram. Yeah, in a pram. Well, outside. Outside of your house? Yeah. We can get away with it. Well, I was saying, you know, you can get away with anything if you put it in a pram. I really don't think that's true. No, you can go to the park. You're less likely to get away with it if you could see someone with a pram walking out the pram. Yeah, look at it, right? Like, it could be anything. If the dog, if like a dog's in there, you're like, that's fine. Fine. Yeah, fine. If you saw someone with a squasher there, you'd be like, that's like, that's fine. Leave that person alone don't have a face drawn on it. Yeah, I would. Oh, there's something very different between saying, you're getting away with it and no one wants to talk to you because you look mad. Yeah. Yeah. Also, you're saying they're going, that's fine. Leave that person alive. Yeah. I believe they will definitely think, leave that person alone. I don't think they're thinking, that's fine. I think they're thinking, I'm going nowhere near that person. Leave them alone. They're pushing a button up. Squash around in a pram. I'm asking a lot of questions about this. It worked. It. It helped you. Yeah, it does help me through, man. Yeah, I know. So where's Lloyd now? And obviously we're out and about again now. I buried him in the park. You are joking. No. I took my niece to learn about death. I can show you photos of it. Yeah. It's a niece to learn about death. Yeah. She was. She was loving it, though. Yeah. She was digging that hole like it was Christmas morning. How old did you need? She was at the time. She was about two and a half years old. Right. So livid that someone else is in the pram, I'd imagine. You gotta walk to the. You gotta walk. Lloyd's going in the pram, but you can have a lift back. Get out of the pram. It's a goddamn funeral. Use your legs. Lloyd is dead as well. Yeah. Getting to ride in the pram. Yeah, we all was. Lloyd dead when you buried him? Yeah, he had a sort of. What we called was at the time, he was rot. He was rotting. I think medically, what's he say, but if you keep a squash for three months, it rots. Yeah. I couldn't do that, man. If I'd drawn a face on something, I couldn't bury it. Yeah. That's the thing. I didn't draw on the face. I initially didn't draw the face on for a friend. Yeah. I drew it on because it was so big. I thought it'd be comical to. And when you're living alone. Yeah. You've got to drew the face on it for a laugh. Yeah. Put a nappy on it for a laugh. I forgot that detail. So you were living alone. Yeah. Why you got a pram and nappies in your house? Such a good question. Such a good question that I hadn't even thought to ask because the rest of it is so weird. Anyway, so was staying at my brother's house. Who has. Who has children. He. He he like moved with his, like his mother in law's house because they have a bigger house and they have a dog and two kids. Yeah. He was like, I need someone to walk the plants. I said I'd live there. Yeah. I did kill all the plants. Every, like, every single one, including the ones they'd kept from their marriage. They were like furious. They were absolutely furious. And then even more furious when they're like, I cannot believe you spent so much time. Because the squash was there when they were there too. Yeah. That's why we went to the park. Okay. Because I didn't, I didn't want to go alone. Own. Yeah. You know, so your responsibility was to water the plants. You didn't do it. No, I killed all. Every single one of them. Every single one. I have, I have like, honestly, I'd like over 50. Instead you were hanging out with a squash. Raising a squash, I'd say. I wouldn't say hanging out with a squash. I'm not. And the spider was at the same house. Spider. Yeah, yeah. We would launch dinners together eating dumplings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dumplings you serve around dumplings on three separate plates. I have no. I'm such a philistine. I have, I have no, I've been to really posh restaurants and I thought it was a bit weird. Yeah. Stuff I was eating like worm salad. I've had stuff like that. Yeah. And what's the name of the place? But I went to a very posh place for my birthday and there was two. I went with. The other person with me was vegan. So you got an email before sort of saying, you know, do you want the vegan menu or the non vegan money? That was the two choices. So I, I'm planning on being vegan eventually. I think we all have to be, won't we, basically. But so I'm sort of groping towards being vegan but doing it really badly anyway. So at this point I was, I took non vegan and I knew I had to take a breath. Then it was really emotional story. And then the food came and I ate this salad and the woman took it away and she said, how was your salad? And I said, oh, yeah, fine, thank you. Then she looked down at the plate and she said, oh, you've still got some worms left. And. And I thought I was hallucinate. I thought I'd left my body. You know what I mean? I thought, oh, this is, this is like trippy now. Yeah. Like what's just happened there? And I looked down and I saw like three or four worms in, in the plate. Not like garden worms, like kind of shrub territory. Little. Little worms? Yeah, they were little, but they were, they were moving. They were dead. Yeah. And I looked at them and I just, it just took me a long time to take it in, you know, to process what was happening. And I just said, oh no, I'm done, thank you, and hands to the plate. And I just remember being really pale and shocked and, but, and then my, the person I was with was a bit sort of. Well, that's what happens when you take, you know, non vegan in a way, like morally you're saying, I'm up for anything if you're, it's not what happens if you take non vegan. You get worm salad. But I took, I took their point that they were sort of saying, well, you know, be a vegan. That's the solution if you don't want secret worms. You know, to them it's just protein, it's meat. So. But I felt, I felt a bit violated that I hadn't been told and just a bit sick. So is it like a tasting menu thing where they were just bringing you out? Is that a tasting menu? I don't even know what's the menu. So they at least explain it up the dish down in front of you and go, and this is a worm salad. No, definitely. There was no, there was no prior warning. Yeah, there was no chat about it. I bought your worm salads. You still got some worms. Yeah. And then she saw my reaction, she came back and she said, she said I won't do her accent, but she said is. She said, is the problem that you didn't like it or do you object? Like she was trying to understand what my reaction to the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, she, she was really concerned by my. And confused by my reaction and I sort of said, no, it's fine. It's just the shock, the shock of eating worms. I was a bit hungover, I was a bit tearful. I just didn't, I just wanted to have a nice birthday and not. Yeah. Be fed worse worms. You were tearful because I was hungover. Yeah. You were crying as well. Yeah, that'll be why she came back to check. I thought the tears would bring the worms back to life and it would all be amazing. I do want to know the name of that place though, because I'd like to try worms salad. I'll tell you after. Also at the end, they served for pudding. It was tobacco flavored chocolate, which went really well with A cigarette, I have to say. So. That was lovely. The joy about that is when. When you're in a hotel or a B and B, they say, do you want white or brown bread? Bread. I'm always back with mixed. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can have a mix rack. You can have the Aquadrome white. Yeah. And then the BNB wholemeal. Actually go with the. With the seeded sourdough, which is slightly whole mealy. Okay. Yeah. That's not to pick you up on that at all, in any way. It's fine. It's yours. Yeah. It's your dream BnB. Thank you. This is a new podcast. So hold on. What is. Is it. It's the rack. It's toast, but it's sourdough toast. But it's not the Vickman's Worth Aquadrome Cafe toast that you have. Yeah. Is that the secret ingredient? No, no. Although that would be very different if we knew that. Yeah. Hand you an envelope and it says, Rickman's Worth Aqua Drum Cafe toast. Just checking under my chair. And is the owner of the BNB talking to you throughout all of this? No, they've left me. I've put my ear pods in, so they might still be there. Okay. But I'm listening to case files because I'm in town to solve a case. What? What's the case? As if someone's disappeared. One of you has disappeared, and I'm there to say. Oh, no. Where? Who? James has. James has disappeared. Disappeared in the town. Yeah. So what town is it? It's up in north Oregon. I was never there anyway. No, you were. No, you were. You were. James, you're gonna need to work on your improv, man. Yeah. Just on stage. I'm not there. No, you are. I'd have a beat. That's what I'm missing. That's where you've been tracked to, anyway. Yeah. So I'm there to solve the case, and Ed's. Ed can't do it because he's doing great British menu or something. So I'm not there at all. Yeah, you're in the gravy train. Yeah. Okay, so your dream meal is spending the day in a town where I've gone missing. I love this idea. You've got to solve it. Yeah. So this isn't going to be a meal as such so much as a day of eating while you try and solve a missing person's case. Yeah. But it will fit you your format perfectly. Kind of. Unless I. I like this solving the case thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're not the one who's one missing. Yeah. Will you be the one who. Do you know you've. The only evidence we have at the moment is DNA evidence of where you've been. What sort of DNA? Come. I knew it before you said it. Yeah. Why did the guy ask where'd you find it? You don't want to know where it is. But some of it. Some of it's on the ceiling. Yeah. And that's. Yeah, it ends up. Yeah, like a rocket. Have you guys been to Japan? Yes, I'm going for the first. I've just got back. James is going next. Oh, amazing. Fantastic. Well, I'm sure you're gonna love it. You must have loved it, I'm sure. Incredible. Yeah. So I've been a few times and back in the day, in the 80s and stuff, and I remember the second time we went. First time was just promo and stuff. Second time we went for gigs and the promoter took us to this amazing restaurant in a town, I think called Nagoya. So, you know, it's still a massive city, but one of the smaller cities, as it were. We went to this restaurant and I basically think he just taking the piss because we were given these bowls, like a soup, like a clear soup, but something was still alive, swimming around in it. Wow. But didn't have the whole of its body to do so. Yeah, like tentacles have been put away and things. And that was like a bit of a shock. So I didn't. And Again, I was 22, 23, you know, I mean, I wasn't. I traveled a bit by then and I'd eaten in a lot of places and stuff, but it was still. Nothing compares you for that, though, does it? But that's, That's. That's nothing compared to what happened next. So they brought out these huge fish that were skewered. So they were in like a curve, an arc, you know, tail up and head up. And the meat of the fish had been cut away from its body. Why it was alive and placed back on the fish. So you were meant to eat it while it looked at you. Oh, my God. I mean, look, I am not squeamish, but I think that would put me off. I couldn't do that. I mean, like your theory about if the olive oil is good, you know, the rest of the meal is going to be nice. When they brought you the little thing swimming around in the bowl. Yeah, yeah. Alone. When you have to make eye contact with the finger. Eating. Yeah. Get out of bloody Marquis de Sad's restaurant now. I don't know whether that might even be a thing anymore and whether the legal allowed to do it. You know, I'm going back 35 years, you know, so it's. It's a while ago more even, you know, but I remember just thinking, this is ridiculous. Yes. Yeah. And I was kind of looking at all the other Japanese people thinking, are you gonna eat this or is this crazy prank on the. Yeah, I've seen prawns cooked on the. On like a teppanyaki, a heart, you know. Yeah. Where they're still alive. Yeah. They just put them on the thing in front of you, you know. I don't know. Lobsters go in the thing when you're not looking and they just put them in there, you know, I don't like all that. Listen, don't get me wrong, I love eating food. I'm not vegetarian. I think about it sometimes and I do think there's an issue, like I said with us, the way we are living at the moment can't really be sustained and all the rest of it and. But yeah, it's a, it's step. There's a step too far, isn't there? A little bit, yeah. Yeah. I think we definitely have to at least stop making eye contact with the fish while we're eating it alive. Yeah, let's at least take that step. Having said that, this is as a species just reminded me of something else. And please, this is, this is not, this is not about. Right. Here we go. So one of my passions in life has been skiing over the years and so I was on holiday skiing with some friends and it was a bit of an occasion and we needed to celebrate something. So we went to this restaurant which again, I don't think is open anymore. Not because of what I'm about to describe. I just think it's not open anymore. And it was called my father's farm. No firm to one pair whatever and massive reputation, you know, Michelin stars, all the rest of it. So we went. It's like a 15 course bloody dab. But you, you, the building is a farm and animals, I'm not saying those animals necessarily, but in other words, pigs, ducks, you know, geese, cows are on the other side of glass beneath you and on the side of you as you walk into the restaurant. So it's basically like saying. But. But I don't think on the one end there's nothing wrong with actually explaining especially to kids because if kids just think that a slab of meat in a. Is just something. Yeah. You know, they don't connect it to being an animal, that's a whole other issue again, so. But that was pretty. That was a bit, you know, I mean, they weren't dragging animals out and butchering them and, you know. Sure, but it was still very. At some point you' ordered this. And that's one of those over there behind that glass. It was a bit weird. Yeah. It's quite confronting, isn't it? It's good. I mean, yeah, I'm all for it, but I. I think I wouldn't be able to hack it at the same time. And maybe I should reflect on that. Yeah, well, I'm. I'm not. I don't cook a lot. My wife's an amazing cook, an incredible cook, and it's. It's one of the main ways that she relaxes and I don't really love it. Does it stress you out? Yeah, if it's for anybody else, yeah. You know, I'm not averse to making an omelet or making something for myself, cobbling something together, but I was. The reason I was mentioning this is that if someone said, right, there's a joint, there's an actual big piece of an animal make it, or even a chicken. Getting a chicken out of his packaging from the supermarket and putting it in the oven is a bit like, wow. Do you know what I mean? Whereas when it's cooked and it's on your plate, it's just very different. Different. It is, yeah. And don't get those mixed up, Rick, otherwise you're gonna have another one of those incidents. You're gonna be canceling more gigs? Yeah, I'm gonna start with a seam hour and then I'm going to finish with the laros. No, I'll tell you what these are. So this is another one for my youth, when me and my brother Johnny were younger and we used to get invited to parents. Like someone was getting married in the family or bar mitzvah. And I was like, 11 and he was 8. We've invented this game, which we do to this day, which is the best game. Yeah. And I think maybe my brother's there for this bit, just for when I drink. He appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back. Yeah. So what we would do, we would go. We would. We would be quite, quite. You know, with 12, we didn't know anyone often. It's boring and we didn't want to talk to girls. It's embarrassing. There's a family, so we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink Coca Cola. And we would. This is our plan was that we were sitting by the bar. That's what we would do. Just by the bottle near the bar. Is that a thick thing kids do normally sitting up at the bar? Not at the bar. Like we wouldn't be at the bar. You sat over the Coca Cola. Like, God, this is a long night. Cigar. Yeah, but this is. We'd hang around. We'd hang around the bar hiding. Basically have a Coke. And then it would be right, it's time. It's time. So they go, oh, two more coats, please. No, one Coke or one seam hour. I go see Mal. Yeah, one coat, one seamount. Coca Cola and lemonade. What, mixed together. That's the sea mower. Yeah. Oh, okay. So this is pre Internet. So you couldn't check. Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, okay. And then you see him wander off pouring out. And another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and Cokes. You see him mouthing, oh, could be a drink. So we'd have a Coke and a seam hour. And then it would be later on we'd have two seam hours, please. And once they got used to that, the bit when they go two seamounts, we go one C mount, one LA roster. So you have to wait for them. Yeah, yeah. What's a la Ross? Ginger ale and a lemonade. And that would be our thing. So a seamount. And we did that our whole life. And if we ever go out, it'll be like, what do you want? 1 see my. Please. So that I would. I would be. Want to be drinking them. They taste nice as well. Yes. And my brother can be there and we can do that. And they. There's no Internet reception, so they can't check. Yeah, yeah. They're not allowed. I mean, I don't know if they would even check now, would they? They wouldn't check now. Surely they'd be like, whatever. If they want to call them hours. If they want to call it, say two seam hours, boys. Two seam hours. No, no, once you've Ross, that would be. Then you end on two lasses. Yeah. It's just when they think they've got the hang of it. Right? Yeah. You're ordering your stupid drinks. Don't say anything. So I would. I like those drinks. I mean, they're good drinks as well. There's nothing more exciting as a kid than realizing you can mix different drinks. Yeah. You have a mixed drinks. Nice mixing. Oh, the. The freestyle machine. The freestyle machine. The soda fountain in it, you know, or whatever. Some fast food places now have. Oh, yeah. Freestyle machine. Excellent. Where you can. What works? Pick loads of other stuff. I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know you can't buy commercially by itself. Like, you know, Peach Lil and stuff like that. Yeah, I made that one up. But every flavor of Fanta, you could imagine. Every sort of different fruit. Raspberry Fanta. All right. Sort of stuff. Can you mix some of those together? Although I don't want to mix them if I've not had, like. I just want to try Raspberry Fanta. Fanta. That sounds good, yeah. I mean, when you were Kid Lombard, a raspberry fountain. Raspberry fountain would be a Lombard. Would you forever sign off on this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We do this all the time. Yeah. Still do it now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't done it for a while, but we're going to do it again soon. We talked about it recently. I was telling you, we've got to do this again. So. Yeah, yeah, we've got to do that. We got to do that. I mean, we always talk about in the restaurant. What do you want to drink? Think it was good 2C. Mouse. He was. Does that to me. Yeah. I mean, we should start this as a thing. Yeah. People ordering steam hours on the roster. I think it almost certainly will happen. And see if people please go out there and try it. You've got to start. You don't go straight in 2C mowers. No. You'll lull them into Coca Cola. Coca Colas. Yeah, Coca Colas. As opposed to Cokes. Two Coca Colas, please. Yeah. And then eventually. Chuck a sea. That's my drink. Yeah. And then the high point is when they say two hours. Yeah, yeah. No. And then it ends on two lace. Yeah. Good night now. You know a guest went wild when they have their own section. One guest was not only. Oh, see, this is what happens when I actually go off of Bonito's script. Absolutely tripped myself up there. Yeah. I should have stopped your descript. Benito, I'm so sorry. Goodwill writer. One guest not only put an end to the Jollof wars, but they really put us in our place. It's the beer Libdul Rashid, your dream side dish. Has anyone here mentioned Moimoi to you before? No. No. Really? No. I don't think so. You've had Nigerians on here. They haven't mentioned Moi. I don't think they have. Bunch of plastic Nigerians. What the hell, man? Normally they came here and then they would somehow Talk about jollof. I'm not even going to talk about. We often get bogged down in the. In the jollof wars. Ghanaian versus Nigerian jollof. That's the kind of Nigerians that argue and the kind of ghan argue about that stuff. Yeah. Would need Google Maps to find their way around if they went back home, is all I'm saying. That is the most basic aspect of our cuisine. The most b. Like, it's. It's bloody rice, bro. It's. Right. I mean, yeah. And the thing is, neither of us invented it. Senegal did. But, like, you know, how stupid we must look to Senegalese people. I'm a version of this Senegalese dishes, but. Shut up, man. Honestly, I love jollof rice. Right. But it's like African Food 101. Like, if I had the friend that I'm not sure of, like, he's invited to the cookout, but I'm still not quite sure I would give him Jo. Like, that's the most basic African dish, right. Next to white rice and stew. Right. It's just basic. And then when I think your levels, then I might introduce you something like pounded yam and a goosey soup or, you know, something like that. But, Jo, that's like arguing about who makes fish and chips better the most. Black is the most basic dish in. I mean, it's good. It's better than all other rice dishes. You know, even Ghanaian jollof rice is better than 90% of rice dishes. Ghan jollof rice is brilliant. It tastes almost like the real thing, you know? But now, in all seriousness, it's down to who cooks it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and plus, Nigeria, we've got 300 tribes. Everybody makes it different. Yeah. I will say ours is the best because we are the closest to the originators, the Senegalese. Culturally, we're very similar to them. But then there's people from my tribe in Ghana, too, so. Right. So, yeah, I don't have. I don't really. I make fun of Ghana because it's a national requirement, but honestly, I. I have no. I'm just involved in this fight. Are you a foodie? The bill. Would you say that you, like, you could see me? What do you think? Let's. Let's just be real here. You know that if. If I did something wrong right now and you didn't know me, there's only two ways you would describe me. Right. So you asking me whether I'm a foodie. What's a foodie? A person that likes food. Do you think this happened by accident? Is that. What do you think that's what this is? Did you really, like. You know, I just. I just had an extra donut a couple hundred thousand times. By the way, I don't. I don't actually eat donuts. No. Because of toxic masculinity. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Why. Why is that? So I'm from northern Nigeria and. Sorry, that's for my people. Yeah. You're safe now. When the revolution comes, you're giving a head start. So I'm from northern Nigeria and we. We are like. Most of the army for the majority of Nigeria's inception has come from my part of Nigeria. Most people don't know much about us. In fact, sadly, currently, we're only known for two things, which is Boko Haram and me. You know, you can imagine Boko Haram is a very tough axe to follow. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very tough act. You know, always bom. Cheap. So we, Our culture, apparently, we. We. We're farmers and soldiers and that sort of stuff. So everything around our culture, like, as a growing up, as a young boy, like, you give. You get given food to make you strong. Yeah. What? It will make you strong. Why are you opening your eyes? Why you say that? Because I'm strong. I don't want, you know, and if you eat anything sweet, you were told as a boy that sweet things were for girls. Uhhuh. And, like, people will say it with so much conviction, like it was scientifically proven. What? Why? You got it. Why. Why do you want that sweet? What are you a girl? I'm not a girl. Yeah. Then why do you want something sweet? Because everyone knows the sweets are for girls, right? Yeah. You give it to them on their birthday when they're angry with you. That's how it works. And I thought, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Yeah. Yeah. So growing up, like, we just didn't have a lot of sweet stuff. Right. Yeah. So now even now, because, like, my wife is South Asian and they have, like, a big culture of desserts, I kind of hear my uncle in my head, what are you doing? What is it? It's a trap. It's for her. So, yeah, I'm working through that, but unfortunately, I struggle with sweet stuff. I do like sweet stuff, but I feel bad. Well, after. Even though I shouldn't. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, it's interesting. Yeah. It's been drilled into you. I mean, that's. This is a tense episode for me, that I'm a big dessert boy. Yeah. I love it when people, you know, Make a good. No such thing as a Big Dessert boy in Northern Nigeria. Yeah, there you go. It's not. I'll get turned away. That's big dessert boy. Trying to see how I would even translate that in my language, actually. Yeah, probably. I. I wouldn't say it, but yeah, probably a couple words for that. Incidentally, the video of Nabil's answer to that question is our most viewed clip ever. I didn't know that. No, me neither. It wouldn't be a food podcast without delicious descriptions of dishes. Most of these are edible. Sophie Willard. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. But he doesn't write who says what, and we have to sort it out in real time. Yeah. Sophie Willan, Josh Amy, Annette, Saoirse, Monica Jackson, Kiran Gakhani, Danny Dyer, Robert Park, Popper Rook Minya, Jessica Hines, Stuart Laws, Rose Matteo and Jason Manzoukas. Either that or yield Pasta Shop Y Pasty. Yep. Which again, do the best pastas in the world. Right. I really feel strongly about this. Yeah. Yeah. It's been going this business for hundreds of years. You'd hope so if it's called ye Old Pasty. Right? Old, yeah. It's in an old Tudor building. It's a listed building in Bolton. Yeah. So obviously that's been there a long time. And then. Then this pastry business has been going like 200 and something years. It's got Ye Old Pasty Shop. The Queue Goes Round the road. It's run at the moment by a woman in her 80s called Mary. She's fabulous. And she's actually got a sculpture of Alma in the. In the window. Oh, really? Try to give me. And I was like, oh, no, it's great here because what do you do with the sculpture of yourself is weird. Anyway, she's brilliant, Mary, and she's been there years, she's had all sorts. Every time you go in, she goes, oh, Ringo starts Daughter has been ordering pastas. That's true. She gets them shipped over to Paris. I think she's in. Wow. PTK obviously comes in, he parks outside, he won't come out. She comes out for him and brings him loads of pastas. Every time I go, she makes me a pasty with my name on it. It says Sophie on it. Yeah, really big one. But then she insists that we do a photo shoot. So she gets out this little red carpet and the banner and I have to hold the pasta like I would a bafta. Yeah. But you have to be fair. But suppose the past is more impressive. But I say you're qualified to say that it's like winning a bafta. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Do you have to queue now, even? I always queue anyway. But even though there's a sculpture of you in the front window, if you don't queue, you end up stuck chatting to her for like, 50 minutes. Sophie, come round the back. Come round the back. And then I sit there with a cup of tea and we go through every ailment. Yeah. Yours, by the sound of it. Yeah. What? Food remedies. Each one. Yeah. But she's quite wild. We went to this charity gig together. She was the first one up to suggest a conga. You know, last one on the dance floor. But anyway, the pastries are brilliant. I'll just tell you about the cheese one. Yes. Very thin pastry. You've never known anything like it. Soft and thin. Yeah. And then the middle is pure. Pureed. Is it when you. Yeah. Potato, onion and cheese. And then it's just. It's a delicacy. There's no past. Is like, I really want a pasty now. Yeah. I've not eaten today. Yeah. That's what I'm realizing. Every food that you describe, I'm gonna have that after the. Yeah, yeah. Record. I have a crumpet. No, I'll have to send you some down ye Olds. Oh, my God. No, we'll make the trip. I'll walk. Get the trip. Yeah. I'll walk there. I won't pull a Peter K and stay in my car. Yeah, yeah. Probably not in Bolton, though. He's probably more popular in Bolton than you, Viewer pk. Yeah, yeah, probably. Possibly. It ain't been on Taskmaster, so all that sounds great as well. But you want the potato cake from there or from a. Different from the other place. Well, do you know what I think? Just say in general, we'd go to ye old pasta shop. We'd get a potato cake and a pasta. Look, you could have a little. A potato cake and a pasty for the starter, I think. Yeah. If you want a ye old pasty shop, it's going to be very carby this, isn't it? We're going to be knackered actually, as well. Yes. We're with you at the dream meal. Well, yes. Yeah. Very, very happy to come with you, but sometimes people don't want us to be there, you know, they. Some people want to be alone. Some people want to have, like, family members there. Loved ones. No, you've just said two things I don't want. Alone or with family. Yeah, yeah. All right, we'll come along. Because I do want to Try that pasty. Desperately fabulous. It's always nice to take people who have not had one. Yeah. So on Alma, when we were filming the second series, I know that at 11 o'clock I get hungry because you get you set up at 5:00am, they feed you at like, what, 8:00am and then often you don't get it food till like 3pm and you don't want to be the difficult diva asking when lunch is, but you can feel that you just. So I thought, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make sure I've got me 11 says, yeah. So I have my driver credit. I had him specific one, so he's my one. And I gave him a. A kitty for the two months we were filming. And every day in his little bag, he had a special warming bag for me. He would bring me two pastas, a meat potato and a cheese potato from your pasta shop. But then all the crew were like, oh, that looks good. So I was like, oh, you want one next? Before I knew I was getting 60 pasties a day. Cost me an absolute fortune. We'd stop at 11, we go, cheese and cheese and potato. This side mean potato. And it was just mad, you know, chaos. Everyone had a pasty. By the end, we were all put on loads of weight together. I absolutely love that you're like. Well, you don't want to seem like a diva. So I send my driver with a special warming bag. Yeah, I know he's mixed messages, but. But then if you're buying them for everyone else, then as well, you've nailed that. You bring it back around then, don't you? But then surely, just, surely that's taken up so much time sorting all the pasties out that you may as well just move lunch earlier. Well, no, because Chris is out on it. Chris. Chris is on it. Chris, by the end of it, dragging sacks of pasties behind us, is he filling the car with them? Well, he's not just. He came on as. What did they call him? Because he, he, he got a good fee. Don't worry about Chris. He got a really good fee. In fact, I sent a lot of emails making sure he got paid for going above and beyond. Yeah. You know, he's not just a driver, he's more like my therapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's lovely. And he, you know, he got a new kit kitchen. Yeah. So he did all right. He did all right, yeah. Unfortunately, can't use it because it's just full of pasties. This toast in the dream restaurant, white bread, granary I think. Yeah, Granary. I respect that. And I want to cut it myself. Okay. I've had enough of going to somewhere I'll name a shame, Gales and them saying, do you want it sliced? Because I just don't. It's too thin. And if I'm gonna spend more than I should on bread. Yeah. I at least want to slice it. I don't want to get sliced bread, so. But you're annoyed at Gail's for offering you the option. Yeah. Even though they're not doing it and then giving it to you and you're like, I didn't want to even be an option. I always get my bread sliced. What? Why? Because it. It means that I can have a couple of slices of it and I don't feel awful afterwards. Whereas if I'm cutting it myself, I'm cutting doorstep. Thick slice slices. Yeah. I'm not very good at doing the uniform. Yeah, you don't need to do a uniform. Live a little. Yeah, with a wedge shape. Just enjoy the difference of life. Look, you two are different. We still like you. We're different slices. There's a doorstep and there's a wedge. I'll take that. The doorstep. The doorstep and the wedge. Gambler. You want to slice it? How thick are you slicing it then? I thought we were about to move on from this, but actually, yeah, there's a lot more to take. Yeah, we actually haven't got into the nitty gritty. Let's go thick, please. Yeah, yeah. How many centimeters we're talking? Oh, well. What? It's got to fit in the toaster. It's got fit in the toaster. What? You don't know what it said to me. Right, sorry. That buried the lead there. Yeah. Judge Whitaker doesn't know what a centimeter is. All right. What's a sliced piece of toast? One centimeter. No, it'd be less than a centimeter. A slice of toast. Yeah, maybe slightly less. Okay, then probably 1.3 centimeters. Okay. So you're not going big, like, proper. It's got to fit in the toaster. But I do. With sandwiches, I have a big thing about ratios. I think the filling has come to dominate sandwiches in a way that I think is unhealthy. So you. Hang on. You don't like the filling? No, I like. I like. You're the only person you'd imagine me, isn't it? This is absolutely perfect. Yeah. In. In my head, I'm just seeing us climbing the chairs. Yeah, we got him. We absolutely got him. Just let him talk. Yeah. You know, filling in a sandwich. I don't like the filling of a sandwich. Yeah, the bread's the best bit. Yeah, I. I hate it when there's too much filling. When there. When there's a thick gelatinous cheese. Delicious. It's awful. Like a. Just stick into your mouth and the bed. The bread. It's all about the bread for me. Yeah. Look, bread is, of course important in a sandwich, but. Yeah, I'm glad you. Yeah, of course. I'm willing to admit that. But I love. Just Big of you. So would you. So your dream sandwich is just like butter and Marmite or whatever My dream sandwich would probably be. That's. That's a different podcast. That's a different podcast. Sandwich. Yeah. That's of sandwich. Of sandwich. Part of our franchise. Part of your franchise. It. I'd love you to start franchising. My dream sandwich is butter and salt vinegar squares. I'm glad I asked that question then. Had it to go. Didn't even have to think about it. Knew what it was. Salt and vinegar squares with a sandwich. Are you doing it with salt and vinegar squares? Because you can fit them perfectly into the same. But that is a bonus. Yeah, I imagine. Also, they're not overlapping. No. Actually, I don't mind a little bit of overlap. Like when I do my. I. I take that over the. The fear that there'll be a bit where they're not overlapping. Like when you do cheese on cheese on toast. Yeah. You don't want a gap. You don't want a gap. I'd rather a bit of overlap than a gap. Yeah. Yeah. You'd rather an overlap on cheese on toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's an overlap. Don't get me started on people who. Great. Cheese on toast. I think we're good if we get you started on every single issue. Sorry. We are going to be here for eight hours. I think a real theme of this is going to be me realizing I'm not. Well, that happens to some people. Yeah. I was looking through my photos on my phone to remind myself of meals I've enjoyed. Oh, no, I'm not well. It's so much more to Della. So much smoked ham of various kinds. Okay, so what I want to investigate is every time you eat mortadella or smoked ham, are you taking a photo of it? It seems like it. It's not necessarily what you eat all the time. That's what's terrifying. Those are the photos I took. But we must assume those times I just enjoyed a Mortadella. No pics. Sure. And even if you are, why are you taking a photo of Mortadella? Because I wouldn't say. Who am I sending that to? Yeah, not me. I wouldn't say it's the most picturesque. It's ugly looking thing. Disgusting. Yeah, delicious. Mortadella is great. Oh, it's so nice. I had some the other day actually, from Dale's. Oh, wow. It had pistachios in it. Oh, I actually don't need a pistachio, but I'm happy if it's there. It was more a textural thing than a flavor thing. And I ordered some. Like it was on Deliveroo, I think. And on like on delivery. Yeah, it was on like a grocery app and I got it and my wife Charlie was away and I was on tour so I was getting back quite late and I'd just be getting back from gigs and having a little, a little antipathy. Oh, that is chic. Going straight to bed. Mortadella bedtime. Bye bye. Mortadella in bed. I think I draw the line there. I have a very greasy high self awareness for bleak moments. Sure. And Mortadella in bed might be crossing the line for me. It sounds lovely. But you'd have to get up, you'd have to have wipes nearby. You'd have to have wipes nearby. There'd definitely be a bit where if I'm lying on my back eating Mortadella, where I drop some of my chest and that would feel weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also sometimes there's stringy bits like around the edge that got in your teeth. Then you woke up the next morning. That's sad. And I wake up, wake up in the next morning and there's a bit of Mortadella next to me. Yeah, yeah. Like you killed in eight, Charlie. I'm so sorry. Just because she's quite pink. Yeah, she's quite pink. She's got the pistachios. Yeah. For the pistachio lady with green flecks. Yeah. She does like lime green clothes. Oh. But Mortadella pre bed. That's nice. So you have done Mortadella pre bed. Oh, yeah. In the house. In the house. The bed. Not in the bed. But only because my long term lover Nish is weirdly a clean freak despite every aspect of his personality that you are all aware of. You know, because he's just like a sort of a jovial, big energy, hairy, handsome man. And then you made him sound like Santa. That's the only thing in my head I'm thinking of the Muppet playing the drums. Animal. Animal. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I would. So he would be very furious with food in bed. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. If I had my own bed, which I'm pushing for. Absolutely. One day. Absolutely. I can have food in that bed. Crumb bed. Love bedrooms. Two separate rooms. Grumbed and love bed. Yeah. And this is never going in the crumb bed. He wouldn't want it. So he's setting up residence in the love bed. Yeah. You're flitting between crumb and love. He can't be in the love bed on his own alone. That's sad. That's sad. He's got to have another bed. You're up to bed. Well, what's his. What does he need a bed alone for? What? You. You know more than us. You two would know more than me. Well, when we lived in a flat together, like, just like maybe worrying for worrying. You can have a little worry bed. Yeah. A little worry about love bed is the one on its own. Yeah. Don't you dare bring the worrying or crumbs into the love bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I don't want worrying in my crumb bed either. Especially worrying about the. That's actually a place of pure bliss. That's the best bed. That's the best bed. My crumb bed. And in my mind, it's a divan, you know, like a sort of sofa bed. Situ. A day bed. Yeah. You know, so it's. It's kind of a reclining energy. Is this where you want to have your dream meal? In the love bed or the crumb bed? Do you remember in Sex and the City or any New York representation of the 90s, they would always take them to a club called Bed and there'd be like a big room with lots of beds in it. And if I've made this up, wow, that mortadella has gone to my head. And it would be like the cool nightclub thing to do. Sit in a bed, white bed. And I always thought, I actually don't know if I like reclining when food is around, when there are other people there. Yeah. So am I alone in the dream restaurant or is there a blue genie looking at me? Whatever you want to you. I don't have to be there. I can magic it into the restaurant for you. Magic in and out. Yeah. You need never deal with another person in the restaurant. Then who am I going to talk to about how nice the food is? Yeah, that's. That's True. Who am I going to make the noises to? You've got to make the noises at someone. Yeah. I mean, I've had some fantastic meals alone, but you are missing something. If you're not making the noises of people and then you find yourself, for example, taking photos of everything and sending it to people. Yeah. And I'm with Nish when he's sending those photos to you. So that is bleak. So I know I don't want to be in a bed, but I wouldn't mind a bed being nearby after. Straight after. Straight after. Yeah. My favorite dubs are Frank's. I like Frank's because it's very vinegary and it makes you sweat from here. I always think that's a good sign. Frank's. Frank's Buffalo sauce. Yeah. I wouldn't even describe that as dip. So this is the level you're operating on now. A hot sauce. It's a sauce. A sauce, A whatever you. No dip. I'm thinking you could get a pot of it and then you're dipping it in. Sorry, she's done you that. No, a sauce you're putting on top of it. She's absolutely done. You're not even listening to me. You know the difference between a dip and a sauce? Yeah, I do. I think anything you could eat with your tongue is classified as a dip. Right. Okay. The tongue is the ultimate spoon. The tongue's the ultimate spoon. Okay, now. Now I fully believe. Look. That that is a dip. Listen. S Chosen categorically. A. A hot sauce. So you are correct. But she done you with the shoe thing. Yeah, absolutely done you. Okay, so we're going for buffalo sauce. Buffalo sauce. I like that green dip that you get from an undine. You know, the we hereby one. Yeah. It's sort of like an Indian pesto. It doesn't taste anything like pesto. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. Quite fresh. Quite sort of zingy. Quite fresh. And green Ch. Green chili in there as well. Butter green chili. Love a spice. Lot of the lime pickle. Also from the Indian. Yes. I wouldn't know. Be a big woman for salsa or soy or cream or anything like that. No. Saw your cream, I think, to me is gross. Every time I meet a new person from Ireland who I've not met before. Yeah. I learn a new phrase that I didn't know existed and I didn't know I wouldn't be a big woman. I've never heard that before. And every time I'm like, I love that phrase. I would like to steal It. I feel like you could bring that into your lexicon. There were certain things I could get away with saying on stage. Yeah, yeah. I think because you've got a bit of a ginger gene about you, you could say any Irish phrase and it would be believable being like, ohms, man, must be Irish. Yeah, that's good. Get away with that. That's good to know. I get to decide how Ed eats your food. Yes. There you go. Okay. Yeah. So how am I? The. The biryani? Well, you've got the biryani. Oh, yeah. How many different? Lump rice, I guess I'd like. You eat it one grain at a time. Oh, no, that's. You've got a banana leaf to play with. Oh yeah, you can use. You can use that. You have to lick the banana leaf clean at the end. Yeah, yeah. But you have to eat one grain of rice at a time and then just lick everything else off the banana leaf. That genuinely sounds like torture to me. That's awful. That's given the idea of eating, having an amazing, like, flavoursome meal and I'm hungry and I've got to eat one grain of rice at a time. Yeah, yeah. That's like when you were a kid and they were saying chew everything 32 times. Did you guys have that? Yeah, there's always these things like chew your food 32 times. I'm in the opposite position. My elder son, who hates eating for some reason, it's really upsetting. He's his five year old and you know, I just finished battles at breakfast with him and give him a bite and he's got this really good way of hiding food in his cheek. Like a hamster. Like a hamster, yeah. And you know, it just fills up and like there are days I've caught him with a slice of pizza there. About an hour and a half later, like he's gone off to play something, he's gone to a class and he's come back and he's like, he's been eating. Then the teacher's like, oh, was he chewing gum? I said, no, it's like, what's in his mouth? And he's like, oh, I've got pizza has now become too dry. Can I spit it out? I said, you should just ask me earlier. But it's a bit like him, like I tell him, eat fast. As we always grew up saying, yeah, 32 bites. And that was really frustrating. Yeah, you've got to chew everything so many times. Yeah, I was told that as well. There was no chance. I Was listening to that four or five times. Yeah, yeah. Just enough to make sure it sort of doesn't kill you on the way. Yeah. Just to get it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I can't be counting and eating like that. Fall asleep. Yeah, yeah. Forget it, man. Just changes flavor after while. After, like five, six bites. It is nothing, does it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, thank you. No. You can have as many bites as you like in the dream restaurant. Yeah. Okay. It has to. Bread by grain. Yeah, yeah. After slamming a pancake into my face with all the filling on my hand. Yeah. Pancakes. Pancake first. I think that's pancake last. Huh? Pancake last. Pancake goes on last and it goes in your mouth first. Right, okay. It's very important. Yes. Thank you. Actually, maybe the banana leaf. Do you want me to wear it like. Yeah, I was gonna say, do you want me to wear it like. Baloo. Yes, yes. Can I leave the restaurant? Are you much of a foodie, Danny? Do you? I eat a lot of. So I don't know much about food, but I realize, you know, I do eat a lot of shites. And I always. Guys have. Don't know why. I don't know why that is. I just, you know, that quick fix of just flavor. Yeah. You know, that's the game I'm in, really. I can. I can quite easily just. Just fly through a pack of, you know, them sort of the processed cheese. Yeah, but the dairy Lee ones. Yeah. You know, so, you know, it's better than a triangle because it's all getting out of the triangle. Yeah. But, you know, I can sit on my own just. Just opening them, just smashing them down. No bread, no crackers. Like the slices that. The slices. Yeah, yeah. They release slices. Yeah, yeah. You know, I. I mean, the thing is, if you're sort of on. On your set, you just smothered with all the little wrappers around you, which is no good and interesting. Last. It was hot last night, and I was. I had a fan on. So every time I sort of took the cheese out of its finger, the wrappers were flying all over the gaff and, like, crystal made. It was a mess. Like crystal paint. Yeah, yeah. So. So, yeah, I do eat a lot of processed stuff, hence why I've got a pair of tits. And I think that's it, isn't it? Versatile actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that's the reason for tits in men. I think it's processed food, you know, processed cheese. Straight. You think of his dairy Lee. Yeah. You know, you Stand half a chance. I mean, it's better than the other. Sort of just the Morrisons one, you know what I mean? Just the sort of really yellowy one, you know what I mean? At least it's dairyly. So. So. So in answer to your question, no, I'm not a foodie. I wish I was. I think as you get older in life, maybe, maybe you learn more about grub and. And it's all about the gut health in it now. I know about that probiotic, but. Yeah, yeah, it can't be at the moment, you know, So I think that's science, isn't it? It's a. Yeah, it's a science, but sort of takes the joy out of food, though, if you're thinking about the science. I think. I think eventually I would like to maybe learn about the gut health more. I don't know when maybe like in between cheese slices, you can Google it and look up. You couldn't. You couldn't have a cheese slice. See, you know, because it all starts with a gut. So I can't imagine what my guts are going through. And I do apologize. If I had a starter. Okay. If I had a stuff. You don't have to have one. No, no, no. I've been thinking it through. I would have soup. I like soup. I like chicken soup, I like vegetable soup. But it's weird. I can't really have soup in a. In a restaurant. I feel it's kind of. It makes you look quite vulnerable, you know, just like a. Like it ages you 30 years. First of all, just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup. So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you've got a nice soup and it was lovely. Yeah. Let your guard down. Yeah, yeah. You're just having love. Just talk about the soups. Lovely soup. That was lovely. I'd have that. Yeah. But in a restaurant, I don't want to have soup. What about it makes you feel vulnerable, do you think? And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup? Just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look, you know, I just look older. I look, you know, what AM I now, 26? I just feel like it just makes you look like an old person having a soup in a restaurant. Yeah, it's not a good look. I think people pity the soup drinker. That's why I think. Yeah, yeah. That's why I'd say. Yeah, I Think it's pity. Do you have the natural? I could choose if no one's there, then, couldn't I? You chose. Yeah. You could have no one there. Or you could eat, you know, like the. The autola thing, that French dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks. What is that? It's a tiny little bird. Yeah. They don't. They don't want God to see them eating this tiny little bird. Yeah. What's wrong with the bird? Well, it's just so small and beautiful that it's like, considered a shameful thing to eat because it's delicious, but it's like a whole little bird. I think they're eating it whole. They're eating it whole. So they. A blanket over the head so God can't see them eat it. And it's. It's cooked. It's a cook bird. Yeah. I think. Well, I've never seen it, but they eat it whole. They eat, I think the beak and everything. Yeah. And. And this is a thing now. This happens now. I think it's more of a thing in the past. Right. It was on succession. Right. As well. Yeah. They did it. Succession. Where Tom Wan's gans does it. But you could do that with soup. So. Yeah. No, I think people look at me even more. I know they would be looking at me. Yeah. Do you napkin into your collar? I can't do that. Yeah, that's too. Do you put a napkin. It's demeaning. It is demeaning. But, yeah, I do do it. But I know I'd have. Okay. Before dinner at home around six. I always get a bit peckish. Hungry. You know that word? And I will have a bowl of cereal. This is my drink. This is what I want. Yeah. I'm allowed it. Yeah. I'm gonna have a bowl of cereal. I'm gonna have a bowl, right. With 50 cornflakes. They go in first. 50 rice Krispies. Yeah. It's mad, but I'm gonna have. This is what you do. Yeah. Honey. Yeah. I don't want it served with the thing. Now it's shaped, the wooden thing with the thing that looks like. You know. Yeah. And then it drips everywhere. Squeezy honey on it. Cold oat milk. Yeah. And I want that now in terms of soup. I really enjoy that soup ages you say is. Yeah. Does cereal have the opposite effect? That's a good point. Yeah. Forever young. It would not. It would knock a month off. Yeah. Yeah. No one's. No One's going to me looking. Yeah. But I could choose who's there. If not, if, you know, could I have a button like, you know, when you see. Sometimes it says call for champagne. Can I have a button in it? And it changes the people. Yeah, yeah. So who do you want watching? I know who I want. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Because I saw these people in a restaurant. I had a meal about five years ago with Tom Rosenthal and Simon Burr from Friday Night Dinner. We had a disgusting meal somewhere. All the food was awful. It's brilliant. And sitting at a table about four away from us was Alastair Campbell, you know, the labor with Mick Hognell. Wow. Yeah. They were together. They were together having dinner. So I want them. But like, every table has them. Like 20 tables. Yeah. All there, eating, having different conversations, quite hear them. I don't know if they're talking about politics or music. And it's quite annoying, but interesting. And I'll have them there and they can watch me eat. So 20 tables of Mick Hackmill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want that while I'm having my cereal just so I can tell people afterwards. I had the freakiest meal. Yeah. I had cereal and 20 replica make. Huck Knowles and Alistair Campbell's were watching me eat. Are they moving in sync? Are they all. No, they're not moving in sync. So they're all having their own. Yeah. They don't even know. They don't see themselves and go, that's me. Yeah. They're just in, like their own little void, having different conversations. Yeah. I can never quite hear them. Yeah. I wonder what they were doing together. I don't. Maybe Mick Hockland was the original. Instead he was supposed to do the rest is politics instead of Rory Stewart. That was the original meeting. Yeah. Could have been. Yeah. It could have been that, couldn't it? Could have been that. Yeah. Would it be more successful or less successful? I feel like it's the opposing labor conservative that makes that. That show work. And you can't have both of them being simply read, oh, beautiful. I mean, beautiful. That was. I mean, come on. If this was live. Yeah, that would be. That would be it, wouldn't it? And then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later that's not quite as funny. Yeah. Explain simply. Red Song. Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't quite work. Yeah. The name. Yeah. I think what that is Fairground. Yeah. Yeah, that definitely doesn't work. That joke was Fairground. Yeah. The bowl of cereal. You say 50. 50 because it's a dream. Yeah. We can make Anything happen? Do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically? Do you want it? No, I'm gonna go horizontal. Really? Yeah. I would want a vertical. But how do you do that? Well, dream we may as well just have two. We can make this happen for you. That you've got like half and half, like from the top. Well, saying that when me and Peter Sarah Finnowicz used to write, look around you, I'll treat at the end of the day was we buy a Mars bar, right? And we cut it in half vertically and call it a vase. And that was our treat. So maybe in honor of that, I should do this, you know, have it vertical. I love the insanity that people go through when they're. When they're. Come on, you know. You know what it's like. Yeah. It was all Mars bar. We'd have it one a day. He did a thing which was something like all the fun of a Mars in a mist. It's like a Mars spray that you spray into your mouth. What does it. If a Mars a day helps you work, rest and play. Right. Work, rest and pray. Just wondering what a vase did. Yeah. What does a vase do? Oh, God. Burkfest and vay. I don't know what it is I could do. Work out what it rhymes with this. You got to leave this in. I mean, this is no way coming out. You got to leave this. I just don't know, James. No, I don't know the answer. I don't have a funny answer to that. Yeah, it's okay. Joe. What? I think it's, you know, it takes a. A grown up to admit that's very mature. Thank you very much to. I wish. I'm a comedy writer. Yeah, but you've admitted failure. I'm stumped. Pop dogs or bread pops. Or bread pops or bread. It's definitely bread. I hate pop poppy toms. They're grim. I hate them. Rare. Rare to get hatred for one of them. I really hate them. They're so nothing. It's like biting into just, just, just. It doesn't taste of anything. It was your. You. You wanted a flavored breadstick. I don't want a flavored poppy tom. I just don't want a poppadom. They're just. I just know very, very sounds fired. They can go in the bin. So what are you. What are you doing then? Because obviously you're saying you love. You love a breadstick at the beginning of the meal. It's nice to, you know, get going with it if it's there. If it's there. But when the poppadoms there and there's no other food knocking around, are you. Are you dipping into the pop? I'm gonna say I'm gonna avoid the curry house as well. Are you just completely. Yes. If the papa dom's there, it's like, God, I know I'm in here now. And now I'm gonna have to eat a restaurant curry. And you probably get this with any, like, Indian heritage chef who comes on. But, you know, restaurant curry is just like, not what you eat at home. It's always like, one sauce. It's very gloopy. Like my entire life when, for example, you go and get a curry and it's like, absolutely not. Yeah. Or if we have to, then I just, you know, sadly disappointed the entire meal. Yeah. And I don't drink beer either. And I think that goes well with a car. I can see that they go together. It's the whole ritual of it. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, Poppy doms, like, they will herald, like, a poor evening's dining for me. So that's probably why with bread, on the other hand, is great. And then you get to have all the butter. And again, I kind of keep on thinking about European holidays, probably because I'm so desperate to get out of the house and maybe the country on holiday. But you go on holiday with your mates when you're a teenager, and you. You sit down and you bring bread, and then everyone's like, oh, there's a really nice extra virgin olive oil. I'm just like, no butter. British or butter. Yeah. I don't want my bread to kind of taste of, you know, like kind of olive oil, grassy notes, you know, I don't want my bread to taste like grass. I just want it to taste like butter. Please. Ideally salted. Yeah. I'm all. I'm always. Always butter over olive oil. But yes, if. If there is nice olive oil, I still think, you know. No. Is it the. And the really green olive oil as well. Are you against? I'm not against. I think. I don't have a specific. Yeah, I know. I don't. Not grass. I'm not like a cat. I don't think I'd want to add it on. I get. I get putting in a salad dressing, but my palate is not sophisticated enough. I don't think that's. I don't think that's the reason at. Yeah, I. I like being sort of like. Like smacked around the face with that flavor, but not kind of just not grass. Yeah. Yeah. Your Dream side dish. Dream side dish. Yeah. Would probably be fried halloumi. Just comes off the top of my head. Yeah. Halloumi. To introduce myself. Let it come off. Let it come off the top of your head. Halloumi. To introduce myself. I've heard a lot of halloumi puns. I've never heard that one. Yeah, enjoy. Because hello, me. I hear quite a lot. You know, it's funny how there are certain things, the words that people hear, and you just can't help but. So obviously, when you hear halloumi, you can't help but hear in your head. Let me to introduce myself. Someone told me the other day that they can't look at Alien Broadway without thinking about feeling horny. And unfortunately, because of the way podcasts work, there will be a large amount of people listening to this now. Who then will have the same. The same thing. Yeah. That will happen. That will stick. And it will just go in there. Yeah. With both. Hallomi to introduce me. To introduce myself is something that I. I think that's why I could never not. I could. I could never like. I could never not eat fried tulumi when it's really delicious and juicy and. And, like, crispy on the outside and it's got a little bit of whatever dip. But obviously century, it would be the sweet chili sauce. That would be the main thing that you'd want. I mean, I think so, right? We've been very anti. Sweet chili sauce. Wow. Okay. Let's go there because I need to catch up, because that's how they serve it. Fernando's as well, with sweet chili sauce. Okay. And you don't like that? No, I don't touch it. I just like the halloumi. Okay. Why, Ed? I can just go straight. Just straight halloumi. Yeah. But why sweet chili sauce? You may as well have a tub of jam. I think it's too sweet. Wow. I feel like there's almost nothing chilly in it. It's just pure sweetness. Wow. Kind of feel the same. Halloumi. Wow. To introduce myself. What would you have with that? What would you prefer as a date? Normal. Just straight halloumi. If I'm having Nando's, I can do. I can do, like, hot sauce with it, maybe, but I could just eat the fried halloumi. So here's the situation. Okay. Like, just for example, just. Just hypothetically, there's a lovely big plate of fried halloumi. Perfectly crispy little ones that are a little bit joined. The cheeky ones that you'll go for. It's a little bit bigger. Delicious. Fresh. Still a bit squidgy. Glistening. They're glistening. There's a lovely big tub of sweet chili sauce. And middle. You're telling me. Yeah. You're telling me. Yeah. You're going to go up to that play of alumi. Yeah. You're going to pick up a piece of that sweet, juicy, salty cheese and you're not going to dip it in the chili sauce. I'm not going near it. What planet are you from? Yeah. What is going on there? I. Why? Why? I just don't like sweet chilli sauce. I think it takes away from that flavour because. Talk us through it. When did this happen? Well, when did sweet chilli sauce first become big? Probably the 90s. Yes. Yeah. So it's probably back in the 90s. Yes. A lot of kids were really into it. Yes. And it just wasn't my. It wasn't my scene. I thought, I'm a bit more grown up than this, you know? Okay. Is it because it was sweet? Did something happen? Well, it's just like, to me, like having melted down. Haribos and sweeties aren't my thing. I'm not into sweeties. I don't have really sweeties. You are because you like sweet jelly sauce. Wow. Oh, halloo me to apologize. You should not have said that. You're a guest on this podcast. So when did you stop liking sweet things? Oh, so I'm type one diabetic. Okay. I don't. But I don't think it has anything to do with that. I like sweet things. I eat desserts. I enjoy sweet, but I don't like pure sugar sweet things. I don't know if that's connected to my type one diagnosis. But also, I just think it's a shame. I like spice and I feel like the sweetness in the sweet chili sauce outweighs the spice too much. Do you think it's a bit patronizing to the chilli? I think it's patronizing to the chilli. I think that people eat it. They're like, oh, I'm having chilli. You're not. You think that's what people are thinking? You think you lot are eating the sweet chilli sauce and going, I like spicy things. You don't. You're eating jam. Maybe they're just eating. Maybe they're just not thinking, I like spicy things. They're just enjoying the sweet chili sauce. That could be happening. But he does not hear his head. Yeah. Because the thing is, is I wouldn't normally have sweet chili sauce on much else. But when it comes to fried halloumi side. Yeah. With sweet chili sauce, there's no way I'm not going to dip that halloumi in there. There's just no way. Yeah, see, I'm not. I'm not even going to dip it. I had some halloumi fries recently at a festival. How were they? They were really good. Do you know what I did? I got a dip. Okay. Yeah. What was it? Garlic mayo. Okay. How do you feel about that? I feel that is a fantastic idea. Yeah, it was. That was good. I didn't know what that. Okay. Signified. And it was double dairy, which felt weird. I double dairy you to eat that. Allow me to double dare you. So that was good. But there was sweet chili available and I didn't dip. Do you know what is delicious is real mayonnaise. Like homemade mayonnaise, actual mayonnaise. That isn't. And I feel like someone panic bought eggs in the pandemic. That was hollandaise. That was the holidays. Months, exactly. But, yeah, no, I can see that. Yeah. Like. Oh, lovely. I mean, a lovely good mayo. I mean, who's not. What. What is not to love? I'm going to counteract what I said a little bit here. Isn't that a bit cloying, though? Sorry? It was a bit. It was a bit claggy. Wow. Okay. Thank you for. Thank you for admitting that. Thank you for being honest about that very much. Well, then I'll just try my own one. Yeah. And hello to you, too. Yeah, it's. I think it's closed now. The ginger man in Boston, they had buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles and then like a roasted Brussels with a balsamic reduction and bacon. So that's. That's what. Ish. That's one. Yes. I'll let him have that. Yeah, of course you would. You're the ninja man. But case. Case closed. Yeah. Chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles. That's it. More and more in my life now, all I want my food to do is just tear my mouth apart. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And then the next day, tear. Yeah. Oh, dear. The other side apart. Yeah. Dick. I want my food to tear my dick apart. Having a piss the next morning. Oh, I had a curry last night. Christ. Christ. The pickles coming out of it. I've really got into just having a big jar of pickles at home lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just started. Started doing it. My dad was obsessed with pickles as a kid. It sort of put me off them. A little bit. Oh, really? Yeah. You'll love this. I worked with someone recently so obsessed with picklebacks that if she goes into a pub with her friends and they don't have the pickle juice to do picklebacks, she'll go to a supermarket and buy a jar of pickles so she can use the brine. And. And someone texted her and said, you've been in this pub recently? She was like, yeah. How do you know? She went, I've just found half a jar of pickles in the toilet. That's why the. The backs of toilets are often covered, so you can't put your pickles down. Yeah. That's a deleted scene from Godfather as well. Pickle back to go in. They got it taped to the back of the worry. Are you just dunking in your, like, fork, trying to, like, spear one? If I'm eating something already and I've got a fork handy, but otherwise I'll just put my fingers in. Really put that. Yeah. No one else is eating those pickles in the house. I'm the only one who's into it with pickles. Yeah. Is he on the case as well? Yeah, he's pickles. Any clue? He actually didn't get accepted by the army, so he's staying nearby and he keeps doing the tests to get in. But he can't get in. He can't get in, can he? A shame. For Halloween, would you do that big bowl of pickle brine and then pickles in it and then dunking in to try and get a pickle? Well, it's a complicated question. Well, if. So if I walked into a Halloween party and that was already set up. Yeah. Yeah. But you're not setting up. I'm not. I'm not doing that. No, I'm not. I don't want to do it enough that I'm gonna do it. Because it's a statement. If people turn up at yours and you've set that up like, well, you're not having anyone over for a start. Not having anyone over. I wouldn't want to. But, like, if someone was like, yeah, you gotta do this. Yeah. Forget it. But if I walked in and it was just there and people were like, we're all doing this. Do you want to. Yeah. Bob for pickles before they even look back at you, your head fully submerged. Yeah, I'm audience. And I'm definitely getting one. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna get one. I'm not gonna not get a pick. Yeah. It would have to be different size pickles. As well, to make it harder for some people. Those little tiny ones. Cornichons. Cornichons, yeah, yeah. Those big ones you get in petrol stations where you get one pickle in the packet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought a couple of them for my sister's birthday the other day. She loves them. Don't understand. One of them is called a sour sis. I don't know why you're both looking at me like this. Did you buy anything else? Yeah, I got her tickets to Groundhog Day. No one's ever bought that present. Tickets are ground all day and two big pickles. I. As my starter, I choose a Japanese wax figure of food. Okay. So I'm choosing wax now. I can't answer any more questions. You've been in. No. You have been into these things for a long time. Yeah. Wax already. Resin. When did you. When did you get into the wax foods and watching videos of them on YouTube. So probably from a long time ago. I think Werner Herzog actually did a straight. Like a. Did a documentary clip about this that was on early YouTube. Since then, a lot more content is on YouTube about JAP, the Japanese art of making food. You guys will know this. You've both been to Japan this year. Also, I'm. Also I'm married to my. My wife. This is true. I've seen it happen. And also we have a big melting wax ice cream on our mantelpiece from Japan. Yes. Well, they have. That's a. Wax. Is sort of an old. More old school version. I think. This is a resin. Maybe this is resin. Yeah. So the most popular YouTube video is watching people make lettuce and wax. But it's just. It's honestly one of the most beautiful things to watch. It brings a tear to the eye. Are these the same things that. So there's a video. Video that my wife Charlie watches a lot and is like, oh, come watch this video again. Amy Sedaris is obsessed with fake food. Yeah. And fake cakes has a whole house full of fake food. Yeah. And Charlie's shows that to me as if, like, oh, this is what I want to be. I want to be this lady. I'm like, I don't see anyone else living with that lady. I would love a child. I think we've got that in common message. But it's fake food is so, so. Oh, it's so exciting. I mean, for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's in Japan. Right. Instead of like menus, sometimes in the windows, you'll make fake Versions of the meals and they're just so accurate. Yeah. It's insane. They used to do it out of wax, now they do it out of plastic. But. But yeah, the pro. The process is absolutely incredible. There's whole, like. There's districts in Tokyo where all of the shops just sell those things. Yeah. And it is fun to look around at them. Yeah. I do like it. And I really like the. I like the pint glasses with the beer pouring into it. I really like that one. Yeah, yeah. Can we. Can we talk about for one second the damn bowl of ramen noodles with the chopsticks going up and down outside restaurants? Yeah. There's one in London. I think there's one in London. Yeah, yeah. Outside Japan. The Japan store. Yeah, yeah. Do you like the. I can't remember where it is now. You two might remember there's a statue of a boy running away from a dog. And the dog's pulling his trousers down. You can see his butt. No, there's a statue outside the rest. I can see that statue. We went back there. Did you guys go to the cup cup noodle museum in Osaka? No. You've been there. That's cool. You can make your own cup noodle. Yeah. What did you put in yours? Corn. Yeah. Spring onions, Mushrooms, maybe. I didn't. I never ate it, though. No, no. You prefer a fake candle. I did get a candle that looked like a cup noodle. Well, there you go. Another wax food 100. So, yeah, if I. If someone brought out a cup noodles looking candle wax candle for my starter, I'd be like, so. Yeah. So hang on. So we've discussed it now. So now I need to wrap. Wrap my head around this. Yeah. You don't want to start it to the extent you'd rather just look at something that looks like food that you can't eat. I want a novelty. You want a novelty? I want. Yeah, a favor. A party favor. So you're taking this home with you? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what is the food again? The wax? Yeah. That's a really good. That's a good question. Maybe just a letter. Lettuce ahead of lettuce. So not even something that would be a good starter. I think, though, it worked. Have you ever seen Rose watch these videos? No, I'm not sure I've seen Rose watch these videos and I'd say it's as much pleasure as people get from having a starter because. Wow. I know. I saw it once. Yeah. You were sitting there with your hands folded across your chest and every time they Made a different food. Rose ago. Lettuce. Yeah. Cucumbers, pickle. I like. I just would say it to herself, and it was calming and really to see that she was in a very happy place watching it. So do you. Do you want them to bring it out and it's made, or do you want someone to come out and make it in front of you? That's a great question. Yeah, that's actually true. I want to. I want to see it. Yeah. To be honest, maybe I just want a YouTube video. I want an iPad. No, this is the dream restaurant. We can. Okay, fine. We can bring you out an expert on. I can get the guy. Yeah, you can get the guy to make it in front of you, and then you can sit there and silently go, ladies, you know what I've upgraded to? I've upgraded to a YouTube account called Dancing Bacons. It was a man who goes around and goes to the most interesting, like, vending machines all around the world, and it's all point of view, and he has not one negative review of any of the foods that he eats. So, like, my favorite ones are when he goes on like a Japanese overnight fairy, and he only considered it from the vending machines. And it's very silent, and it's just. So. It's the most. It's like a brain. It's like the washing of my brain to watch a man order things from a vending machine. Just eat it and enjoy it. Oh, man. Yeah. So. But I think, for the purposes of the restaurant, I want to see a man come out, give me a full. A full lettuce. Yeah. Chop it in half. Yeah. I want to see the cross section. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I want everybody to clap. Everyone. Yeah. Who else is there? I don't know. Around 10, a crowd. A crowd. A crowd has gathered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of the crowd's gathered. Yeah, yeah. And then we see him make the knife hot. Cut through the lettuce. There you go. And that's your starter. Hard to beat. I don't want to say it earlier, but hard to beat your dream main course. Now, I'm looking forward to hearing the shadow, but we're out of the shadows with that now. Wait, so my question is this, gentlemen, and here's my. My question. Yeah. I think there needs to be an option for a middle course, like a pasta course. A se. You can do that. Okay. Yeah. I would like the pasta that Steve Coogan's daughter makes, because listening to the episode where he described the pasta that she makes that he Wanted. I was like, oh, I want that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds fantastic. And like light and clean. Perfect for like a mid meal meal plate. Yeah, I want Steve Coogan's daughter's pasta and I don't mean that in any gross way. So don't come at me for this. It's the pasta from the episode. I want that pasta. Is this the first time a guest has directly. Directly taken something from another guest stream menu that they have? Oh, very happy that. I'm glad I even considered this as a menu hack, but quite exciting. Oh yeah. I can't even remember what the past pasta was. It was like a, it was like a very like, like I said, it was like a very light, simple pasta that had like, I think he said broccoli or it was like with greens. It had like a, it was like a. Almost like an agliolio but with greens. It was not a heavy sauced pasta or anything like that. So I was like, oh, that sounds great and perfect for. Because I would like my main to be a steak. You know, my main is going to be a steak. I want something light. I don't want like a heavy meat sauce or a, you know, some sort of like real beefy pasta. I want something light. So that's. I, I thought that was a great pasta when he said it. So I'll take it. Do you have the shadow secundi? Such a good question. Of course I do, Ed. I feel like my shadow Sekundi would be like. Because the other thing that I'm missing, which I would love that is a little bit more of an appetizer is a charcuterie plate. Yeah. The shadow meal is little bites is more. More like PETA hummus, Greek salad. Like Tamisha cutery with some pickles and some, you know, all that kind of, that kind of a plate I love. But not so much cheese. I'm not a big cheese person. Makes me quite gassy. So is it too close to egg in your mind maybe? I. No, because I used to be able to eat cheese but now it just upsets my stomach so I just have to steer clear of it. But it's. I love cheese. It's great. But it really is my, the older I get, the more my stomach is like, we'd really rather not. You know, this is not for us anymore. We don't do. Can't do dairy anymore. Can't really do anything. That really challenges my stomach very much. Yeah. So the charcuterie shadows secundi, I think so. Can you say that really quick. The charcuterie shadows. Secundi. Yeah, yeah. You can tell this guy is. Is. I'm having a great time. He's acted with the best of them. Yeah, you give him a line. Oh, I can do it. I can do it. Secundi shadow. Wait, what was this? Charcuterie shadows. Secundi. Yeah, Charcuterie shadows Secundi. Oh, yeah. You got the full range. Oh, yeah. I'm really excited that you've taken something from another guest's menu, especially because, like, I know that Steve Dort will hear this podcast. Yes. Oh, great. And it'll be a nice surprise. Oh, I hope so. And it sounds like you're making a wonderful pasta, so congrats. Yeah, congrats. Lovely stuff. James's Diet Coke story hasn't had much air time this year, but he did get a chance to tell it to Killer Mike, and he didn't give a shit. What a cruel thing to write. He just is absolutely delighted with himself sitting in his little chair right now that he's written that. Yeah, he didn't give a though. But it made me laugh that we had Killer Mike on. Yeah, that was funny. Yeah. Funny that we did that. I definitely feel one of those big. But you can't have a big. Those big whiskey cubes. If I saw that in any other drink, I wouldn't be able to take it seriously. Someone gave me, like, a Coke, and it's got that. And I was like, are you kidding me? I can't. Cokes, I've broken an addiction to. I literally just loved Coca Cola. And I'm from Atlanta, home of Coca Cola, so I haven't had a Coke. Since when? Since December 31st last year. Wow. Yeah. I haven't had a Coca Cola. So it was a New Year's resolution, was it? Well, I just was like, man, you gotta break the coke. You know, you got to break the Coke addiction. So not even resolution. It's just like, let me see how long I can go. I did. I did cheat once. I had a float, so I do like vanilla ice cream. So I did. I did do that. Well, that's. That's difficult to resist. Yeah. Yeah. That's real. Also, then it's a. It's a dessert, right? Yeah, I did it as a dessert. I did. That's the equivalent of like, one big ice cube. Yeah. Scoop of ice cream. That's as close as you'll get. That's it. That's it. That's fine. I don't think that even counts as cheating on. On Yeah, I did that. I felt. I felt my stomach hadn't had a Coke or ice cream in a minute, so I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom that day. Yeah, I was literally just looking like this, like, damn. It was worth it, though. Smoking a joint on the toilet in a hotel, hoping I don't get charged for the. The same. Going for the. Go to the front. I know. Bonito. You want problems with me and bonito. I. I want to. I didn't have a Coke for five years, and then I started drinking Diet Coke, and now Diet Coke tastes exactly like Coke. I won't do Coke. Diet Coke or Coke Zero? Coke Zero. I will say, got the taste of Coke better. But us like, okay, Coke is sugar, fructose is not. But then you'll be on the Internet and they'll say, diet Coke even worse than Coke. It makes your balls fall off. And I'm just like, what? Why does diet soda kill us quick than regular sauce? But, you know, people get weird about sweet artificial sweeteners, right? Yeah, they do. Yeah. I've never heard the theory that it makes your balls fall off. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, basically, that's what this one said. And I was just like, well, I want my ball. So I'll probably. I'll probably just drink more water, eat watermelon. You know, your balls fall off. And then rich people use them as ice cubes. Yeah, that's. That's usually how I would imagine. I would imagine evil bastards. But listen, there's one thing I love, and it's puddings. No, read it out. Read it. Stick to the script. Sorry, Stick to the script. But if there's one thing James loves, it's puddings. And he loved the idea of a dessert hype man with Carrie Brownstein. But I think there should be a rule that once you've ordered the desserts, and then between ordering them and the desserts coming, don't talk about desserts in anything other than a positive way. Don't sit there talking to each other. Because then it's almost like the guilt sets in. As soon as everyone's ordered the desserts, they all think, oh, man, we shouldn't have done that. We had a massive meal. We shouldn't be eating this much more. And when people start doing anecdotes about, like, oh, yeah, because I had this once, and I'm like. But I'm trying not to now. And, like, now I've found that if you just have a little bit of something and then you just put it Back in the thing, and then you start talking about those kind of things with one another. So you're already, like, basically making yourself feel bad about it. Yeah. And then the desserts turn up and you're like, we'll already hate myself for having this now, whereas we should have all just gone, yo, I love. I love ice cream so much. I can't wait for this. That would be a much better chat. But instead you have this, like, diplomatic conversation about desserts, which just ruins it, ruins the fun. So you want those five minutes in between ordering and the arrival of the dessert to be more hype oriented. Yeah, yeah. Like really just getting everyone extra excited. Yeah. But what's about to happen? I also get annoyed by the person or people who claim that they don't want the dessert. They're just going to have a bite and then they eat half of it. And even having a bite's annoying, isn't it? I think. Yeah. If you're opting out, opt out fully. I need you to commit to this hatred of dessert. Because now I feel. Feel like the dynamic. There's something just really complicated there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And then they're bringing their issues and you've got that in the back of your mind, like, how much are they gonna have? And then that stresses you out, and then you can't enjoy the dessert. Yeah. I love the idea of hyping the dessert. Is it possible, do you think, to have a restaurant where there's a dessert hype man and that's. That's his only job? Maybe not someone's ordered dessert to. Again, no, it's not the Doctor. He's a dessert hype man. He's very specific. He's learned his craft. I love that he sort of shows up in a cape. Like, the second you order dessert. It's almost like he magically appears and he's just, like, leading you in little cheers. And I'm imagining Paul Scheer for some reason. Oh, yes, that could be. I was thinking about Paul Sheer earlier in this episode. Were you? Yes. Because when Gary mentioned sushi. Yeah. Every time people mention sushi on the podcast, it reminds me of Paul Sheer. And I think about Paul because I remember him telling us that he would go to a place and get this sushi that he loved. And this man, he was such a regular. And the man loved him so much that he. He gave him a sake cup that he had written Paul's name on it in what I think was Japanese. And Paul was like, that means a lot to Me that cup. And we said, do you know that it says Paul Sheer? It might say Paul Sheer drinks piss. And Paul Scheer was a wonderful guest, and we had a lot of fun with Paul, but when we made fun of his sake sake cup, he. He did not like it. It ruined his dad. We spoiled a nice thing. So proud of that sake. We spoiled a nice thing in his life. And so it always reminds me of. It would be true. Sushi. Yeah. I just think Paul Sheer drinks piss. But, like, I like him. Nice, man. But definitely, yeah, he'd be a great dessert hype man. He'd be great. You're ready for dessert. Yeah, yeah. Also, like, because what you don't want pool share. I'd say looks like someone who. I'd be like, yeah, that guy believably does like dessert. But also, it's not taking any toll on him. He looks. He looks healthy. Right? But he doesn't look too healthy. Yes. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't want freaking Mario Lopez coming out and telling me, this dessert's gonna be great. Like, how the do you know? I'd love Mario Lopez. Yeah. He desserts. I would love if that's what Mario Lopez was doing. Yeah. Yeah. What a joy to go to go to a restaurant. Maybe you go specifically for their dessert. Hype person. Yeah. You know, it becomes like, oh, well, this restaurant has a great dessert. Mario Lopez. Yeah. It's got Mario Lopez hype. He comes out machine, flips his chair the other way around, sits in it. Oh, yeah. A little massage. Get you ready for eating. Give it hand massage so that you're ready to really use that spoon. Happy. Nice. Ready? Preppy. Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. Oh, yeah. You have a nickname. Yeah. Come on, Brownstein. You gotta. You know, I guess that is a different. A different kind of hyper. You up for it? He's getting you physically. I was thinking someone coming up going, this dessert's gonna be so great. We all love dessert. It's brilliant. Which I wouldn't believe from him, because I'd be like, yeah, Lopez doesn't eat enough desserts, I don't think. But if he was training me up like he's a boxing coach coach, that Fabianoff, I'd be like, yeah, this is gonna be great. I think we're each imagining something slightly different, but I feel like each hype person would have a different technique. Yeah. You'd go to a restaurant and you would know that this one was more like a coach. Another one was just more like singing the praises of the dessert portion of the meal. Yeah, I guess I want someone who's like, we all made a great decision here today. This is so great. Like, you guys rule for making this decision to order the dessert. You want a life coach, basically. Yeah. This is so great. I want Paul Sheer to be like, who? Whose idea was it to get desserts? This guy about applause for this guy. This is so great. You just want to be popular, but you want to. You want to be that guy. Clearly. You basically want to be validated in your decision. You should just bring Paul Sheer with you to every every restaurant. He hates us because we said he drinks pissed we ruined that. Yeah. But after he's had a few shots of piss, he's after investing billions to light up our network. T Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus right now you can switch keep your phone and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and AT&T. @t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service port in 90 plus states with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Cart has no cash access and expires in six months. The holidays are all about sharing with family meals, couches, stories, grandma's secret pecan pie recipe. And now you can also share a cart with Instacart's family carts. Everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are. So you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberries, sauce or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart and then share the meals and the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. Another thing we love on the off menu podcast is games. James specifically loves games. Yeah. Benito hates them. Yeah. Guessing games you like. Yeah. And if there's one guest who likes games more than James, it's Ella Purnell. My worst thing is imagining someone soaring through some polystyrene. What? That is bad. That is bad, isn't it? Oh, no, don't like that. I've done it it before. What? I've soared through a massive block of polystyrene with a saw. Why? I had to get a giant polystyrene W into a car boot and I couldn't So I had to saw it into two V's. What are you. So what are you talking about? I've got questions. Yeah, I was collecting giant yellow polystyrene W's at the time. I was going for a phase. Come on. How many did you have? I think we got, like five or six in the end. I can't remember exactly how many, but, like, yeah, we got a. A fair few. So when you saw it, you stick it back together again on the other side. We actually didn't end up sticking it back together again. It was this. Knocked around in my friend's sister's garage for a few years. I don't know if it's even. I bet they were thrilled. That friend. Yeah, yeah. She ended up with. Yeah. The. The one that was in half and another one, that sister. So, like, she had those. You need to find someone that collects polystyrene V's. Yeah, yeah. And then they're delighted. Yeah. Oh, that would be the greatest collab of all time. Make that person day. Now, Ben seems like he has more questions. You can't talk. Ella said she had questions and then didn't ask any of the questions that I thought you were going to ask. I asked those questions because they weren't the ones that you wanted. Your questions. Yeah, my question. I've asked my questions, like, very much. What are your questions? Why? Why? Why did you. Why? Why is my main question. Why? Why were you collecting polystyrene doubles? Oh, right. That is the obvious question. Yeah, of course. I was in a band called the wow Scenario. The wow Scenario. Oh, right. Oh, it does make sense. Someone told us, hey, I know someone who's got a giant polystyrene W. You can have it on stage when you do your gigs. So went to pick it up and then we went to get it and it was, like, huge. And we had to, like, try and put it on the roof of the car, but it was, like, gonna fly off. And it was very. It was. And then I bought it home. It was quite light. Quite light. Would have flown in the air. Yeah. That was what we were worried about. In the dual carriageway, if it flies off, you know. Yeah. Really takes something. Someone out. Yeah. But we got it home and my dad was like, that's not coming in the house. Like, there's no. You got no choice. No saying, this old man. We're having to do this. And then we talking to a guy, local photographer, and we're like, here's an idea for our photo shoot. We're Gonna do with. You got this giant lo. We're bring it along to your studio. And he went, I've already got one. I don't need. We're like, what are you talking about? You've already got one? And he showed us a picture. We're like, that's identical to our one. He was like, yeah, well, this connections have got them in their windows. They got this whole thing for people leaving school about what next? It's this whole campaign they're doing. They've all been given these giant. They all hate them. They don't want them in their shops. They're taking up too much room. So they just gave me one for free. They all just want rid of them. So then at the time, me and my friend were like, let's get loads and fill the whole stage of them and we'll do that. How many did you need, though? Because you're called the wow scenario. I mean, it's unbelievable, people, that you've managed to acquire five of these. Yeah, we got quite a few of them. And then. And then we kind of ran out of steam and just forgot about it. The band broke up. The band broke up. And then, like, my friend Ben, who, like, kept at least one of them for us in his garage, moved house and forgot about it. So the people who came in after him would have opened that garage door and been like, what the hell? Who's this guy? I mean, look, there's worse letters to collect, isn't there? I feel like W, of all the letters, is probably the most versatile. Well, you know what? I'm going to ask. What. What is the worst letter that you could collect? Well, an S can only be two Cs. A W can be an I, an N, a Z or two V's. Yeah, an R is pretty shit. An R could be an I, could be two I's. Or an L, I suppose. And it looks. It could be an L as well. Yeah, an I. An I is probably. Well, no, there's gotta be others. Come on, B. B, what can B be? Two Cs, I suppose. A, Sorry, this is my podcast now. We're gonna clip this up. This is the rantings of a madman. Like, I've never had a guest do such a model unintellectual monologue. It sounds so insane. Go through all the letters and what they could be if you chopped them up. And not in order. Not in order. Just all over the place. And. And just for the listener, we haven't sped it up. That is the. That is the Speed that Ella was talking about, that was amazing. I'm so, so sorry. I got kind of excited, but it's interesting. All the letters could be chopped up to be other letters. Yeah, it is interesting. That's why I got so excited, because I've never thought of it. Yeah, C is. I think C is the worst. C is the worst. C. That's very smart. C. Yes. He can't be anything else. Yeah, C's. C is terrible. No, C can't be anything. Yeah, sorry. And that'd be the worst one, like, if I was taking that, like, on top of the car. Yeah. If that blows away, it'll boom around back to you. You're in big trouble. This is my favorite, favorite conversation I've ever had. From games to pranks. You knew this was coming. Sebastian Stan absolutely is the original prankster. I don't know if the listeners connected with this as much as we did. We found it so funny that Sebastian Stan loved pranks so much. All we've talked about is how much Sebastian Stan loves pranks. You guys have got to get on board with that being funny, because it is funny money. But you are a superhero as well, so you get to experience that. You've experienced a taste of that. Oh, yeah. With. For sure. I mean, it's the most gratifying thing in the world. Like, when you. You know, when you have, like, a kid that comes up to you and just like, is that our metal? You know, and you're like, yes, of course. But, you know, it's just camouflage now. That's good. And they're like, oh, interesting. Because, like, recently, as of. I don't know when this podcast actually didn't go out, but we lost Maggie Smith. And someone told me a story about her when, you know, a kid who was a fan of Harry Potter went up to her and said, is it true that you can turn it to a cat? And she told the kid to pull themselves together. I've got more respect for that, to be honest. Pull yourself together. That's so funny. I would have. I would have. I still think of her as Wendy. Oh, yeah. Remember that movie? Yeah, yeah. Hook. Yeah, that movie I was obsessed with when I was a kid because I really. I couldn't. You know, I'm like, the whole concept of Peter Pan and. Yeah. This guy going back. It was just so great. Well, that's come up on this podcast a few times because. Yeah, because of Bangerang. Yeah. Scene when they're eating, especially when there's nothing. It looks delicious. No, no, for sure. As a kid, all the colors and everything in there, you're like, what is that made of? Yeah. Did you ever want to eat Playdoh when you were a kid? Yeah, big time. Me too. Yeah, it looked delicious. Yeah. When I still see it, I'm like, oh, you could squeeze it because it smells. It. It smells kind of nice as well, right? It smells like, sort of clean. And you do want to see what it tastes like. Flavors. We did a live tour of this podcast around the uk and we would ask the audiences their menus and read them out. They'd write them before we went on stage. We'd pick them out and read out the best ones. And one person for their dream drink said they would like the fruit shampoo they use, but it has to taste as good as it smells. And that got an applause from the entire room. Yeah. Yeah. The entire room was like, yeah, I want to drink my shampoo. If it didn't, that might say more about our listeners than the sort of UK populace as a whole. But, yeah, a lot of shampoo drinkers listen. I think it would pair nicely with some play. D'oh. The only thing I can think about with shampoo is that prank I've seen on YouTube at one point where there's. Where they go around, there's a guy kind of washing his hair. He doesn't know that there's someone above him that keeps squeezing shampoo, keeps trying to get the shampoo out. It's like a nightmare. You can't get it out of here. You know what I mean? It just keeps going. I'm gonna watch it. As soon as this is finished, you have to shampoo prank. I mean, it's just so. I feel like you guys would be great at pranks. Would we be good at pranks? We love Jackass. We love Jackass Steve. I was sitting in that seat. We've washed it since. But Steve O. We had Stevo in it. What a voice, right? Yeah, just specific, like, oh, my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. Every time I'm watching anything with a men or whatever. My. My hell. What a Freudian slip. I was gonna say my girlfriend and I, but I went to say my sister. What do you think about that? Don't ask James about his cheat days. Yeah. Anyway, my girlfriend always. If I'm watching the Steve O. Thing says for the other room. Is that Whoopi Goldberg? When Steve O. Was on the podcast, we had loads of people saying he sounds exactly like Whoopi Goldberg. I never, ever thought. I never made that connection in my Head until now. Maybe that's what I'll be doing after this. Going to see how that works. Get someone to send you and not label them properly. Clips of Whoopi and clips of Stevo and you can see if you can work out the difference. Yeah, I mean, probably from what they're saying, you better work out once before we started recording today, you're saying, come in and work in here and when you arrive, your bit chat lagged. I arrived in Canada once. I had a gig that night. I was meant to do a show that night, but I missed the show because I'd gone out, got a tub of Ben and Jerry's that you can't get here, and halfway through just passed out because of the sugar high. I was just, I was jet lagged. But also, let's just so into eating this Ben and Jerry's. It put me into this, like, hibernation state and I just, I just, that was it. And I woke up, the gig had already been and gone. Yeah, I had multiple texts on my phone for the promoters than everyone. I just, I've been in Jerry's tub in my hand and a spoon in the other just on my bed. That's one of the most terrifying things. It's like when you wake up and like, you see your phone's just been going or something and people have been trying to get, you know, reach you for whatever reason. I, yeah, but I, I. Speaking of pranks, it's so silly. There's another one I saw recently on YouTube and it's like, it's really bad. Like, these guys clearly have known each other for a long time. I don't even know what it's called, but, like, they, they like got together and had like a celebration night, you know, taking shots and hanging out and all this stuff. The next day, the guy, one of them wakes up and he's strapped to a hospital bed and he doesn't know where, how he got there. And they're like, you've been in a coma for 10 years. And his friend comes in in prosthetics, having gained weight, and he's like, you have a son. And I've been taking care of him and he just, it's, it's terrifying, honestly, but it's horrifically funny. Yeah. And, and he, you know, it's like he just doesn't know what to do with it. Like. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know you like pranks so much. They are, Yeah, I think. Yeah. I mean, I mean, you have to, you know, you want to Be safe. I'm not. Like, I. But, like, it is funny sometimes you gotta keep surprising yourself and your friends, you know? Yeah, it's funny to do that. Have you ever played a prank on anyone that's, like. That you're particularly proud of? It's so stupid. But I have a friend who, like, he always manages. He can fall asleep anytime. I saw him fall asleep in the middle of a nightclub. Like, he took a nap and, like, came back and was, like, right back, as if he got reinvigorated. And I would be so jealous of him because I be like, how do you do it? How do you just fall asleep? Falls asleep very easily all the time. So one time he was staying over, he lives in la, came to New York, and he was crashing over my house, and. And he fell asleep, and I took headphones and I put it over his head, over his ears, and I plugged it into, like, the speakers, and I went and researched T. Rex, like, you know, the dinosaur in Jurassic park when, like, at the very end where he's like. He's like. And the thing falls or whatever, and I crank that up and I just press play, just trying to wake him up. And all I got was just this one quick, like, little K2. It's almost more satisfying than him completely being terrified. Just very lazily just going, hey, man. I'm like, well, ever a fire or anything you're in the house will never make it. That's what he'd be like after the blip, though, if he got snapped by Thanos. Yeah, he'd just be like, right back in. Hey. Okay, cool. Okay. Okay. It was a different battlefield, but I'm pretty much. I pretty much got my bearings. Yeah, I've just been napping again. I feel like we should, like, plan a prank to do on a. On one of your. Like, maybe we could get Anthony Mackie and we could assist you in pranking him. No, absolutely. What if we do have him on this podcast? Because he said he'd be really good if we do managed to book him for this podcast. We're happy to prank him on your behalf if you do. Yes. I mean, then maybe you need to email me and I'll. I'll have to figure out how to. How to do it. But we could just keep pouring shampoo on him. Does that work? If it's not in the shell and he can see us, does that work? No, maybe not. I. We gotta think. We gotta think somehow. But. But it's possible. Possible. I mean, he would. He'll. He'll get me back, or he'll try to get me back. But if he gets angry at the prank, you have to admit that you were involved in it. Because if we go, oh, no, it was Sebastian, and then you deny all knowledge of it. Yeah. It would be like, imagine, to do this podcast, he has to drive, like, 45 minutes to a warehouse somewhere in, like, South London. Like, and. And it's just in the dark, and you guys are sitting there with my candlelight. But it should be. If it's in a warehouse, he should open the door and it should be full of people. And it's. He realizes it's the rap battle from 8 mile and we've set him up. You've got to do it again. And he's got to go up. He's got to go up there. We could get Eminem. Then you could join in as well. Your surname's Stan. Yeah, you can get up. You've written Eminem. Loads of letters, actually. That's when you and Mackie would join forces, surely, because you both hate Eminem. You're Stan. And the guy that he beat at the rap battle, by the way. What a. Do you remember that movie? How good that was incredible. And also, I thank you for reminding me. He is in that film. He's great in it. He's great in it. He's in so many good movies, actually. Yeah. But, like, that doesn't matter. We're going to prank the fuck out. Prank him so hard. But that would be. It would be funny. Like, he's just. He thinks he's going to a podcast, but it's a rave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Waiting for him. He's got. I mean, hopefully, because, like, today, and, you know, this is a trick of the trade that I didn't know, but, like, someone arrived before you who's called a go ahead. Right. Who kind of turns up here first. Oh, interesting. Which is. This happens sometimes if people are like, you know, have busy schedules and they're going from one place to the other. So if Mackie. I would worry that a Go ahead and arrive there and text him and go, this is a race. This is not a podcast. They're setting you up for a prank. I think Sebastian stands behind it. Do not come here, Anthony. It just goes to. It's like I'm just recreating that movie. The game on him. Yeah, yeah. He's. He's involved in High Speed Chase all the way to Mexico. Just goes on and off. I always thought it'd be funny to do, like, a Movie you about actors that take the roles to, like. Oh, yeah. The next level. Yeah. You know. But anyway, you go really extreme. I. I still think there's, like, maybe you and him should join forces and prank Eminem. I think that is a. You know, as much as I'd like to, why do I feel like that would fail? Yeah. I don't think that would go well. Get him. You never know. You never know what mood Eminem's gonna be in. But, you know, you can get him. The two of you join forces. I could also see him just unfazed. Yeah, yeah. Like the same. Same stoic face. No. No emotion, like, and just walk out. I've never seen him, like. Like giggling in an interview. I don't feel like he would, like, chuckle at a prank. Yeah. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. To be fair, we've had extra surprise guests on the podcast over the years. Rylan's mum, Amy Gladhill's parents. And this time it was Sophie Willan's turn to call a religious relative. G Dog Dessert. Sophie willing. Well, I'd go bread and butter pudding. Oh, yeah. Because I'm sticking with a very carb heavy theme here. Yeah, Love a bread and butter pudding. My granddad is a really good cook and he used to make bread and butter puddings when I was little. Yeah. So it's a nice memory there with that. It's nice and it's just lovely. Did he have any particular. Particular, like, way of doing it? Was it. Because it was a little signature twist? A lot of different. Yeah, well, some of you have. With liqueur and. Don't you. Or something. He did it like that and. But you weren't allowed to go near him in the kitchen. He's still like that now. If you're gonna get out, get out. He's quite. Yeah. Gordon Ramsay with the Bolton accent and no neck. You know, he's just quite an intense. So much respect for that, though. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that when I'm cooking. Are you? Yeah. Don't come near me. I'm cooking. So I don't have to talk to people. Yeah. I think it's that, isn't it? And then also, if you try and help. Oh, my God. Everything you're doing is wrong. Yeah. You've never felt more that you're a bad human being. So I just have to leave the vicinity. And then at the end, I'll say, like, do you want me involved in plates? And he's like, get out. I'm like, fine. But I think especially if it's like. That's like his signature dish. Right. And that's what he's really good at. He's made it so many times before. He doesn't need help. Doesn't need help. Well, he's good at everything by Granadiso. He's really, really good at. Good cook. Oh, fantastic. He did cooking. He went down to London. Yeah. For six months and cooked in. In a. In a restaurant in London and then they moved back to Bolton. But, you know, for that six months, he was a saucier. Oh, lovely. I know. He just did the sauces. Yeah. So he's very talented. Yeah. But very grumpy. So just leave him to. But get all this lovely food, you know, if you go visit him. But the price you pay is sometimes you might get shouted out if you go into the kitchen. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like we've had quite a few really good bread and butter pudding recipes on this podcast. Yeah. And now I want a better pudding as well. Here's what's going on in my head is that I remember that last time someone came on and they said their own bread and butter pudding recipe, and it sounded easy and delicious. And I thought to myself, I'm gonna do that. And then I didn't do it. And now I've forgotten what the recipe was. Was it the one with croissants in it? Yeah, it must have been. Yeah. Croissants. That's really good. Good. Another one. You mean they do a really good one in Cumbria with leftover croissants and different things and it's like. And raisins and that's delicious. And you know what occurred to me when you said bread and butter pudding? Imagine making bread and butter pudding with the crumpet bread. Oh, wow. That would be very good because that's soaking up anything you pour on it. Right. Yeah. Yeah, mama. Yeah. You've thrown some weather. Go fabulous. Yeah, that would be good. I think I'd do that then. Yeah. A bread and butter pudding, obviously, but with a crumpet bread made by your granddad. Made by granddad, but not in his vicinity. How's he gonna react, though, if you say, I want your bread and butter pudding, but can you replace it with crumpet bread? What? How? What's he gonna say to that? I could do. I could FaceTime FaceTime him now. I pitch it to him. Yeah. I don't think he'll be going for it. No. Do you want me to further? You can do. Yeah, you can do. You can do it. Just see what he thinks of the. See what he thinks of the suggestions. I don't want. You might be dead confused about what? Where are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he almost certainly will be. He was quite shocked to see himself pop up on Taskmaster. Yeah, he never answers the calls, but let's give him a call. G Dog. Is that what he is in your phone, G Dog? Yeah. Cool. He won't answer, huh? Come on, G Dog. Come on, G Dog. It's worth it just to find out that your granddad saved us. G Dog in your phone. To be fair, I could try Maggie May. His wife, G Dog and Maggie May. And they live in Majorca, right? They live in Miyoka. They've been there years, like 25 years now. Maggie May. Try Maggie May. Now. Come on, Maggie, because Maggie might know if you'd be up doing the crumpet bread. See if they remember mallet in Majorca. Yeah, I'll ask. Not gonna happen. What time is it in Mallorca? Oh, hello, Maggie. Oh, you there? Listen, I'm. I'm live on the podcast. I need to speak to Granddad. Not live. No, we're not live. It's whom he is. Yeah. Hello, Granddad. Hi, there. I just want to ask you about bread and butter pudding. Best way to make it bread and butter pudding. Yeah. Let's think. Bread, butter. Yeah. Butter, full cream, milk. Yeah. Well, how would you feel if I put crumpet bread in it? Not very. It won't work. It won't work. Why would it not work? Because it's too spongy. That you want sliced white bread. Right. All right. Thanks, Granddad. I love you. Don't forget the currents and the raisins. I won't forget the currants and the raisins. This is why I couldn't cook with him, because he'd be over your shoulder. Good. I like all of this detail. Have you. This is James, this is Ed, this is Ben. A food podcast. And I was telling them about your culinary skills, but how you're also quite in the kitchen. Kitchen. I'm just doing it now. Culinary skills. What are you doing? Jointed roast chicken on peppers, potatoes, red onions, garlic. Delicious. That sounds absolutely delicious. Yeah. They're a lot more impressed with your recipe than what I've done for the past hour. Small potatoes. Beautiful. Yeah, he's very good. Right, I better go. Granddad, look. Love you. Love you, too. See you soon. Speak to you soon. Adios. Right. Love that. Love him. He definitely did a lot better on this Than I did. Yeah. We'll have him on another one. Great. We have him on an episode. Yeah. So I think we got to not do the crumpet bread then. Expert G dogs told us it's not a good idea. Yeah. Won't work. It did seem quite already a bit pissed off. He was like, well, you don't do that. Yeah. My favorite bit was you saying, how do you make your bread and butter pudding? What do you need? And he went, well, bread. Let's see, let's see. Bread, Butter. That was before he knew you. On a podcast. He absolutely trashing you. James love. James loves cats. No, James love cats. James love cats. And their names are Terry Rue, Alex Spiderman man and Cat Dey. Here's Helen Skelton Seamat and Rachel Stevens learning all about my love. I've got a little barbecue you can turn on with your phone. What? See, I'm interested. He wants it immediately. He wants it. I want it because I could be on my way home and turn the barbecue on so it's ready when I get back. That's the point. You can turn it on from in like wherever you are. Hang on. Is it a gas barbecue? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not messing with that. Oh, okay. Turn up and the whole house is burned down. Well, you leave it outside, you live. It's outside. It's barbecue. Really good. I'd worry that. Turn it on on my phone and then it like makes the whole thing like judder towards the house or something, you know. It's not a robot. Yeah. It's not a Roomba. It's a robot. You turn it on on your phone. A valid. Valid. It's a robot. I could go crazy. So you think it's jiggly. It's jiggling all the way to the house. Judging towards the house. Like it's opening the door. No. Smashing through your window. Yeah. Your. And then. And then. What's the issue? And then it sets your whole house on fire. Right. Because it's a turned on barbecue. Yeah. Also, you got a cat, so you might turn it on and then the cat's like, whoa, what's going on here? And then like jumps on the barbecue, but the cat can't go outside. What kind of cat is that? Yeah. What kind of Siberian cat that stays inside? It's a house cat. Where does it poo. Yeah. Litter box. That blew your mind, didn't it? You never heard of a house cat before? But it never ever goes outside. No. Gross. You've got four cats that never go Outside. So imagine what his house is like. They never go outside ever. No. Also, we live in London. People knit cats. Yeah. Especially handsome cats like ours. Yeah. Stunners. We got real stunners. We got real stunners, Helen. I mean, I'm so happy that the gender stereotypes are just being shot here. Aren't they? Yeah. Cat guys. Yeah, we're cat boys. We're cat boys. I'm proud. Okay, I got four. They all stay in the house my whole life. Stinks of shit. That's unusual, isn't it? Yeah, no, we're getting a. I think the guy doing the catio is coming this week. I can't wait. You've enjoyed that. My dog's called Spider Man. What? I knew you'd enjoy that. No, wait till you hear this. My cat is called Spider Man. We were destined to be friends. This is amazing. This is. That's, that's, that's. And, and check this out as well. The cat that's called Spider man, he's got eyes like yours. What? He's cross eyed. They go a bit cross eyed. And do you love that about him? Yeah. Well, we got him. It's only when you take his lenses out. Only when you take his lenses. Slap you. Yeah, that on its own is a really nice compliment. Yeah, yeah. Slightly creepy with the context. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what? My cat has got eyes like Paul Hollywood. Yeah, he does, actually. And he looks at you like he knows it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he definitely knows it. So you can't look him in the eye. I can't look in the eye. No way. Fizzy water, it just does. It feels counterintuitive and it doesn't feel neutral. It's supposed to be a neutral, delicious substance that brings health and vitality. And fizzy water is like eating TV static or something. It's just, it's. It's wrong. I know a lot of people use that comparison, but it's bright. Yeah, yeah. Or white noise, you know, not good. Sorry. I've made a lot of noises. No, it's great. We love it. It's a podcast. It's an audio medium. Yeah, the more noises, the better. Is that a noise? You know when a little clown horn, you'd be Jim Carrey. Although you did it with two hands there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that's another noise. Another horn. I think the mask does that noise. Yeah. Does the mask age well? Oh, I don't know. But Cameron Diaz is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Yeah, I think that's the best a person has ever looked in a film. Is Cameron Diaz in that movie? Walking into the Bank? Yeah. Yeah. When she watched the bank. Yeah. First appearance. I love her. She's married to a good Charlotte. Do you know that? She is. Didn't know she was married to one of the Good Charlotte she's married to. It's standing the test of time that they've been together for, like, 15 years, which is like 17. Benji. I think she's married to Benji. Yeah. Benji or Joel. You've stumbled into Ed's area of expertise really well. No, also I. I did know that because I've just started watching the new series of Ink Master and Joel Madden is the new host of Ink Master. And. Is that the Cameron Diaz one? No, I think that's the other one. That's the Nicole Richie one. Because the other one is married to. Yeah, that's a Nicole Richie one. Yeah. The Good Charlotte boys have, you know, I bet they're charming as hell. Yeah. You got to be funny and charming as hell to keep people. But the wondrous Master, that is Cameron Diaz. But also they, you know, they're known for believing that girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money, so they must feel on edge every day. That is one of the few Good Charlotte songs I know. And they've both married women who are definitely infinitely wealthier than them. So just to show you what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love them. I actually love them. They seem like such good vibes. Yeah. I went to a CD uk special recording of Good Charlotte. Whoa. They only did three songs. I had to go. Yeah. Daily Legend uk. Right. Isn't that what that was? I don't think it. Did it stand for Cat Dealer uk. That's going to blow my mind. Because she was on it now. She was the host. Yeah. I thought that's why it was called CD UK. It was Cat Dealy. I thought it was just CD because CDs had music on them. Yeah. Or was that a double meaning? It works on two levels. Wow. There you go. Love her. Queen of Ireland. I wrote a poem for her once. Sent it into smtv. Hang on. What? Hang on. Did you? Yeah. James, why have you never told me this? I thought you knew. I thought you knew that. No. Can you remember any of the poem and I need to know. I remember the whole thing, but I'm not gonna recite it. Recite it, Recite it. You've. It's already. You've already told us that you wrote a poem to Kat D. Lee. Was it like. Was it like very. Was it giving William Wordsworth or was it giving like Andrew Diceman Clay or something? Sure. Bit of a crossover, I guess. I thought it was going to be like a funny poem, but I think it came off. Was it horny? Quite horny. Well, just very earnest, like. I was in. Yeah, it was. I was in. I was 11. Sent it in. Benito, can we book cat dealing for this podcast, please? I've met her before, she's great. Well, let's not talk about booking other guests midway through. Well, I think we've got a cat deal. You're just gonna have to bring me back when she's here. What was the most fun show to go on when you were starting out as S club? Because now, you know they're with you around these podcasts. We apologize. Probably not as fun as live and kicking and stuff, but what was when you look forward to the most, when this club was starting out? I mean, the Saturday morning TV was so fun. SMTV CD uk. I mean, it was such a exciting moment in time. All the big party, like, party in the park. All those big, massive, like, shows in the park. All the road shows. Shows we were just always on, always go. It's so different now. Yeah. With everything being on social. We didn't. Social media, we didn't have all of that back then. So we were literally. We were going on a radio tour. We would go to every place. We would, you know, so we were all over the place. You couldn't get rid of us for a while. TV show. So that's like nowadays, if you were literally on social media, trending every day, if you had a TV show back then, that's absolutely huge. Whereas now there's so many TV shows. Yeah. Now if a band was told you got a TV show, they'd be like, oh, we're dead. That would be it. That's it. Our career's over. No one's gonna watch that. But like I said, it's how it started. Yeah. You were on that as well. Yeah. Did you do sketch when you went on smtv? Did you ever do the sketches? Because I imagine you would have more skills in that department. Your TV show. Yeah, we did all the. What was it called? The Front. You're probably chums. Chums. We're not too young. That's absolutely, Absolutely are. That's our sweet spot. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. How old would you have been then? Secondary school. Yeah, I remember, like, that's when I wrote the cat daily poem. I said secondary school. The cat dealy poem. Yeah, yeah, I sent it in. But your crush. I didn't read it out. Yeah, of course she was gorgeous. Yeah. I was a red blooded teen. Not made of stone, not out of stone. Yeah, she was gorgeous, wasn't she? She is gorgeous. Yeah. Do you remember the poem, James? Yes. Oh, share, share with the group. Rachel Stevens is asking you to share the poem about cat dealer. Now, I know you've refused to do it. Share a line. Just one line. Just give us a little taster. Yeah, come on. That's great. A little taster. Well, I tell you what, there's a food line so that's relevant to the podcast. I want the, I want the most embarrassing one. Yeah, it's all embarrassing. I'm eating my bowl full of pasta, looking at you, my heart would beat fast. That's not embarrassing. That's really sweet. Huh? What? What is it? Something Eat my bowl of pasta. And while eating my bowl. And while, and while eating my bowl full of pasta, looking at you, my heart would be faster. They didn't read it out. No, I'm pretty sure they'd read it out. No, they probably put you on a watch list. Yeah, yeah. Probably not off that list. Love that. Would you like that if someone wrote you a poem that said when they were eating pasta, their heartbeat. I would love that so much. I would really love that. I was just thinking it would, wouldn't work if. Because you're from up north, right? Yeah. If you were saying faster. Yeah, yeah, Faster. Yeah. My bowl of pasta you make my heart. Yeah, that's what I would have said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll never do more than one line an episode anytime SMTV gets brought up. Right. Well, I'll bring up SMTV every single episode. Yes. You'll finally get the full poem together. But it's not, I'm not giving you in order. So it's like, it's like Mr. Chips. Yeah. Did she ever hear this poem? It didn't get. I don't know. I mean, I, I, I, I hope so. I hope someone. I think you need to send it to her now. If you do it again. Yeah, I think that's weirder. Maybe that I send it to her now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably would be so weird. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. You should be very flattered. Yeah. Then I'll recite the whole thing. Well, if that's a guarantee. Well, of course it's a guarantee. If we, if we get Cat daily on the podcast, I'll recite the whole poem. But like, listen, I'm not here to think about Cat Daily, but Rachel Stevenson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before, before we're gonna start recording this, Rachel, I was gonna ask you a question. Benito made me save it for the podcast, so I'll do this. I asked you about Sweet Dreams My Lax, your solo song. I've had this bit of trivia in my head about it for years. Ever since it came out to the point where I don't even know if it's true. Was it written by the same person who wrote Toxic by Britney Spears? Yeah. Yes, yes. Kathy Dennis. So for the pod. Yeah. Well, I told you it was boring, but that's what I've always had in my head. Yeah, but that feels like information that you could have found out for sure and can't get you out of my head. Wow. Yeah, she had a good weekend. That's amazing. You couldn't get it out of your head. And she wrote can't get me out of your head. I mean that is incredible. Yeah, it's incredible. And you can get Cat Digley out of your head. No, never will be able to. I wouldn't want to. We've still not had Kat D Leon but I feel like next series we're gonna make that happen. And you're gonna read that poem finally. I'll read the poem if she comes on, I swear to you. And finally, it wouldn't be a best of episode without an annual dose of toilet humor. Let's hear from Michelle Deswart, Nisha Katona, Johannes Radebey, Nabeel Abdul Rashid, Jason Mantzoukas and of course Patti Harrison. Of course Patty Harrison. I. I want you to have the Lucozade more than the wine because we've never had Lucozade chose before. Yeah. Can I have Lucasade please? So it's quite item that someone's chosen. Even though I just tried to piss on my chips. I didn't piss on your chips. Yeah, they did change the recipe. I was asking a follow up question. I gotta say something, Michelle. It can't just be you listing things you want. And we, then we go, you know, if I got a question, I'm gonna ask the question. As much as we would like that to be the. You have no idea how much we would love it if every episode was the guest just bangs off the here's what I want. And then we go. Yeah, that's only happened once. That's only happened once with Dan Aykroyd and it was the best day of my life. Yeah. And people still come up to me and ask me about that episode. But what do you think of all the other Lucozade flavors? Not fast. No, no, original. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do the original, like, maybe once a year just to remind myself that I really like the orange one. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got to keep the orange one in perspective. Yeah, exactly. All I remember is that it shouldn't be used to replace the fluids lost when you have diarrhea. What? It says it on the bottle. I remember as a kid reading it and me and my friends thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. Well, they had to warn you that it was. Was there a rumor that it. It helped you rehydrate after diarrhea as kids? None of us, like, even, like, they had no concept of any of that anyway, so it's hilarious to us. You didn't know what diarrhea was. We knew diarrhea, but we didn't know that people were trying to replace fluids, Austin. We didn't know any of that, so we just fought every now, again, you get the shits and it's the funniest thing in the world. That's all we knew. Yeah, man. Diarrhea song. Yeah. Yeah. When you're sitting on the grass, it comes out your ass. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. No. Do you not remember the diarrhea song Comes at your bum like a bullet from a gun. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. What? We've never spoke about this before. We genuinely have. We grew up in different boroughs. Yeah. What? No. Yeah, that must. I mean, I assume that was a UK wide. The Diarrhea song. No. I feel cheated. Maybe. Maybe I've, like, forgotten. Forgotten it. Maybe this is. You don't forget the diarrhea song. You don't forget. If you've heard the diarrhea song, you do not forget it. That sticks in your head. Yeah, I remember that. Bubbling hot and then. They're not similar. Very similar. Like a soup in a pot. We are what? Bubbling hot. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Like a soup in a pot, it's bubbling hot. Diarrhea. Diarrhea Always ends up back here. That's amazing. I didn't know you were a barrister. And then did this complete pivot. That. That's. That's pretty. It's mad. Yeah. Did you recognize. That's pretty impressive. I. I tell you what's imp. Honestly, what's impressive is that I think I've lived this long and retained continents. That I think is impressive. Cuz I'm old, you know that. That I think is impressive, honestly. Do you want me to tell the story? I find it very hard to keep continents when I'm with Ed and Tom. We were in the reception of a hotel and I can't remember what Nisha was laughing at. We probably didn't even know. She absolutely lost it laughing and then she wet herself in the reception of a hotel. That was such an inspiring story. Being a barrister and then realizing the free spice rule that be able to completely change your entire life. And Ed's just responded with the fact you want to piss yourself in a hotel. Do you know, James, do you know what it was? It was simply Ed saying, nisha, where's your room? Sending me to my room. Cuz we've done a late night. It got to the point, and it still does at gbm that he just. Even if I'm in the same room as him, I find it very hard to control my continent. It's so. It's just the way he ever find him this far. How many times has this happened? Honestly, I think I struggle with a lot when I'm with it. But all he has to do. I remember he just walked into. Walked into a room and pushed the door open in his kind of Ed gangly way. And I really lost continents again. Pissed yourself against. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Do you know what I mean? Because he walked into a room. Just because he walked into a room. That's a gift, isn't it? Yeah. That's like an Eric Morm thing. Surely that was what it was like being Ernie Wise. You are the only person who reacts like that to me. Yeah. I think Ed's found the person who wants to write his obituary. All you had to do was walk into a room. Real Eric Mor. He's so bad. Because every time we get a comedian on or anyone on as a guest, I do spend a lot of time saying, don't you think Ed's dead funny? She tried to get me in the new series of Inside Number Nine when we had Steve Pemberton on. I did. You should put Ed in your show. Steve, please don't. Listen to your response when you said what? What room are you in? You should have said Number nine. No, but obviously. I'm so sorry to interrupt the inspiring story of someone who's doing fantastic work as a barrister and then is now doing fantastic work with a world of food. But you did once piss yourself in the lobby of a hotel. It wasn't a fully fledged. You Know what I mean? It wasn't a deluge, fully fledged. But I did need the loo. I did have to then run to the loo. Yeah. Obviously it was enough that they knew it. They knew it had happened. Yeah, we've got, and we got good chemistry on that. Yes, I think we've got good chemistry on that program. We're a very good team together, I think. Tips. I've been trying to get some chemistry going with this. Wet yourself a little bit, get on board. But it was weird because I'm sort of sitting there like this kind of dowager ant between the two of you. I don't know where you got that. Talking about. I am talking about that. Honestly. Imagine that. Honestly. So first of all, I think it's really amazing that they chose me. That honestly, I was really honored by that because this is. I tell you the thing about it is it's always been very, very Michelin starred kind of food. It's very hot cuisine, very, very western classical. Hasn't it? Yeah. I mean that's what you think. And the truth is that's not the way this nation eats anymore. So it's pretty broad minded of them to get someone in who, whose expertise is more world, you know. So I go around the world, I mean, I mean literally around the world learning how to cook because I'm obsessed with it. So first of all, I was very appreciative of that. And then. So it wasn't really kind of them to get you one because like by the time you're overly qualified for the job, I'm overly qualified for, for, for, for family law, it's a bit different, I think. I think they would say they're lucky to have. Before you there was like those two old dead guys. They were amazing and they are such nice guys and they were amazing. And you look at that and you think, okay, that's what it is to be a true foodie, you know. But then the dynamics and then it took a. Didn't it take a little while for us to just work out how we. Yeah, you always say this. I thought we hit the ground running. We didn't. We completely didn't. Because basically I thought first of all, I've just got to say whatever Tom says. Well, copy Tom. Copy Tom. Really? Okay. And then making fun of your own restaurants to like me more by. I just asked him about tattoos as I did 10 minutes ago. Yeah, yeah, I did notice. You did? Yeah. And you say tattoos. Yeah. Anyone who says tattoos I know isn't really interested. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What you meant to say? No, that I think everyone else in the world says tattoos. Have you any new tattoos, Ed? Have you any new tattoos? Have you seen anything on the films recently to get him to like me? Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure he likes you. Yeah, I like you instantly, don't you? Yeah. Well, what did Mozzie choose, Benito? Sparkling. Sparkling. He knew. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Straight away. Sparkling shoestracks me as somebody that would drink sparkling water. Well, I think, especially if you're a dancer, you're drinking still water all the time when you're training. Because you can't drink sparkling water while you're training, obviously. Well, you'd be burping all the time, wouldn't you? Imagine doing a backflip. You do a burp during it. You might do an ultra backflip, go through the se. True, it's fine. But I mean, if you're in. If you're in the competition a couple of weeks, I can burp. It's fine. Yeah. If you did a very. I saw that once on Strictly. Well, I was going to say if you did a during Strictly. If you did a very obvious and, need I say, more stinky burp that wafted towards the judges. Where's this? On the dance floor. On the dance floor. You're done, you're dancing. You're dancing with a celeb. You're hoping the burp lands in the back's face because that's a 10. Anyway, fingers crossed. They smell the burp, they know you've done the burp, they've seen you do the burp. How many points do you think they'd take off for the burp? Each. Each judge. No, I mean your question. How far off would you have to be from. That's true. For them to stand. You never go right up to the judges table and do a shimmy. Sometimes you. Sometimes you do. And that's true. I'm just saying. Think about it. Now, let me see. Oh, goodness. So you're in their face shimmying and you burp. Ew. Obviously, Craig is the worst person to burp in front of. Or burp, burp on. Or Shirley. Because I think Mozzie would laugh. Yeah. Standard burp right back at you. I mean, it would be sweet if you burped in Craig's face. I mean, it's always for his. It's so serious. I think it will make him laugh. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Don't know how that will go down. No, never. I've never. You never thought about that? Never thought about it. This is why we bring the tough question questions on our money. Yeah. We ask what people want to know. But I don't think these points should be deducted for something as natural as burping. But if it's a really big one though, massive. I'm just talking. As long as you are not out of timing and you didn't mess up your choreography, I say burp along. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? As long as it doesn't affect your choreography, I shouldn't be taking off points. Yeah, you would argue that on live television. Oh, definitely. What if it was just an artistic. I met Craig recently. Oh yeah? Well, wait till you hear this. I was doing Live at the Apollo. I was hosting an episode of Live at the Apollo. Very nerve wracking moment for a comedian. You want it to all go, well, we were the first one they were filming that night. And then just before they said, oh, we're filming something for 100 years of the BBC where Craig and some Strictly people like invade the stage at loads of different TV shows. So they're going out there first to do their thing. And I was like, right, did the. And the audience know this? They went, no, we're just gonna do it. So they went out and did a dance. The audience sat there baffled because they thought it was Live at the Apollo. They come off and like, right, okay, just get your head in the game. You've got to get this right now. You probably have a bit of work to do at the top because they're a bit confused. And I just heard someone go, yeah, we'll just do it one more time. Yeah, three times they did that dance that was probably Mad Flint. Yes. And then, and then I, and then I had to go out and sort of not mention it. Please. Deb, where was this? This was at the Hammersmith Apollo. Congratulations on that. Thank you very much. One of the biggest gigs of comedian's career, hosting Live at the Apollo. And I had to work really hard at the top because everyone was initially baffled and then just absolutely wowed by the dancing. And then I come out in, you know, T shirt and jeans and then to watch the same dance three times like that. I'm sorry about that. Oh, no, it was, it was lovely to watch. Oh, Strictly must be everywhere, isn't it? Must be even, even infiltrating the comedy shows now. So again, you, you could boil it in a mold or if you want to be super traditional banana leaves, you boil them on the side Thing is, if you eat all these things in combination, you're going to fart yourself into orbit. Like, I mean, you have a fight. No, I don't. I don't wanna. If you're eating this meal, you want to make sure you're not doing anything for the rest of the day. Right. You can't. Okay. I'm gonna ask a question. Right? Just. I don't do toilet humor. Sure. But I just want to know if it's only me. Yeah. Have you ever farted so hard that it pushed your balls? Pushed like you were sitting down and, like, kind of like pushed your balls to get. I mean, I've not noticed that you've never done a Balticle effect. I've done it. I've probably done the tickler, but I've not pushed. I've not pushed my butt. I don't. No, Like, I didn't push the. Him out. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. There was so much power. But that's what I mean, I watch Dragon Ball Z, but I've not seen much Dragon Ball Z. I don't know. I don't. But I think I know where. Where you're going with it, but I don't think. I think I've probably felt the fart. The fart on my balls. But it didn't push. It didn't move the ball. The move, if you see what I mean. Is that what happens in Dragon Ball Z? No. As they fart and push each other's balls around. I mean, maybe off camera, but you have like, these, like, these massive fireball things that they do. It was like that of farts. Like, I had to stop what I was doing and take a few minutes to just. Yeah. Collect myself. And you've been eating moimoi. Is that. Is that what. Yeah, yeah. I think it's amazing. Like, you talking about hydrating. A lot of people I know live in LA talk about making sure they hydrate, but that combined with a city where you're. When you say it like that, it sounds like I'm an insufferable Angelino. And, Ed, the point is taken. You've really. Right here at the end. You've really rocked me to my core. That's why I didn't say at the beginning, man. The secret ingredient. But do you not just need the toilet all the time in your car? I do, yeah. All the time. And have had some very close calls. Yeah. Yeah. Very close calls is so much so that I've now had to a number of times pull up into side streets to Surreptitiously try and piss without somebody being like, hey, Adrian Pimento from Brooklyn, I'm a big fan, man. While I'm just like, don't look at me. You know, while they're walking their dog in their neighborhood neighborhood, while a semi known person is just pissing or one of those like celebrity tour buses. Oh my God. And there he is once again, unable to make it all the way home from lunch on the side of the road. And if we turn down here, we might see, oh, there he is. Jason Manzuk is once again pissing mere moments from his house. Because it's always like four minutes minutes from home. My body's like. And now go. Cuz something about like turning up my street makes me feel like I'm there and then it's just game over. So that's the other thing is I'm pissing in my own neighborhood, like so my neighbor. It's only a matter of time. It's not like I'm. It's not like I'm on the other side of town being like, whatever. It's whatever. I'm gonna. I'm just like crouching in some bushes like an absolute maniac. No, I'm in the neighborhood that I live in where, where my neighbors might walk by and be like, hey, Jason, how are you? And I'm going to have to be like, hey, what's going on? Couldn't make it home. I'm in my 50s. Who knew they're going to think you don't have a toilet. Like you've not paid to put a toilet in your house. Well, I also have a bunch of smashed toilets out front of my house. I do. I am very vocally anti toilet, I think big toilets trying to take us over. I will say I just got one of those Japanese toilet seats. Oh, wow. Just the, just the thing you put on and it does all the same stuff, you know. Holy cow, you look, you look like Nish. But you know, you're living. Am I really like good timeline Nish, where you're living his dreams? Oh, yes. Oh please. Me and Nish, I'd say, you know, we talk most days. I'd say 50% of our conversations are about, imagine if we had a Japanese toilet. Oh, I thought you were going to say 50% of your conversations are Nish saying, what if I could lead Jason Manzukas his life? Does the Japanese toilet have rice writing on the side that says Jason Bad zukas? Yep, yep. Shit's here. Pisses down the road. Pisses down the road shits here. This is Jason's sake cup, Dwight the Rock, Johnson's Bushes or whatever. The. I will say this is the. The thing is a game changer, you know, the toilet itself, I think is insanely expensive. But the, the bidet seat, very affordable and incredible. I mean, like, really good. Like being here for a couple of weeks, I'm like, oh, man, I really miss it. Yeah, yeah, that's the main. You look at photos of it on your phone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm texting it. It's not texting me back. Do you feel really dirty? I feel filthy right now. I feel like I'm sitting in my own filth, you know, it's disgusting. It's disgusting. You don't. You. You feel clean afterwards in a way that you just cannot from mashing paper around. Think about it. It's crazy. Why. Why would we do that? Like this. This should be. We should all just shoot water at our assholes and be done with it. It's absolutely absurd that we mush paper around and just smear the shit around. Do it to your plates. You wouldn't. Exactly. You wouldn't do it to your plates. Imagine if someone, you went to someone's house for dinner and they popped a plate down. It was clearly like. Yeah, like, like. No, we just wiped last night's dinner. We wiped. We dry wiped it. We dry wiped last night's dinner off of the plates. It's fine. That's what you're doing. You're dry wiping your own shit. Yeah, all over. Is that what you people came to this podcast for? They know that happened. They would be disappointed it's taken us this long to get there. I think because of the way that I feel now. My second go, the final course would just be like a big fucking hot wad of shit filled with tampons. Piece of shit Arabiata. It would be in tampons. Tampons prepared like a fusilli or whatever. Yeah. Soaked in the. A Bolognese. Yeah, a Bolognese. Human and other whatever's around. So just to be clear, a human Bolognese. Is that just like someone's made Bolognese out of human or someone eating bolognaise. And then. Very good question from James. Well, let's see, James, this is a just like a very simple kind of science question. Yeah. If you eat Bolognese, if you go home after this, you eat Bolognese. Yeah. And then 10 out. 10, 10 hours later. Right. That's the normal digestive cycle. You shit. Yeah. Do you look into the toilet and say, that's bolognaise. Eat it again. I wouldn't say. I mean, you said shit mixed with Bolognese or Bolognaise. I wouldn't say, I'm gonna eat it again. But I might be like, I've got the Bolognese shits. Not up to 10 hours, though. That would have to be like within an hour or two, I think, for you to look in and go, that's Bolognese. I've got the bologna. It's not even a visual thing for me. It's like sometimes you just feel it, you know, what. What it is that you ate that's making you. But usually if you're getting shits that fast after eating something irritating, you're not that thing. You're shitting, appreciating the other stuff that was in there. That's getting. Yeah. Which I was once told by a goddamn hotel receptionist. What? I tried to complain that the breakfast. Started eating, had given me the shits. She was like, that couldn't have been. Because when did you have the breakfast? And I was like, look, an hour ago. I just shat everywhere. And she was like. She was like, that couldn't have been the breakfast. I was like, it would definitely. I ate the breakfast and then I went to a hotel room and I just did shit. Shits everywhere and it's all covered in. And she was like. She Googled it in front of me on the computer. And then she said to me, there you go. That shows it couldn't have been the breakfast. It takes this long to affect you if you get food poisoned from something. It couldn't have been that breakfast that we gave you. We're not. We're not apologizing for nothing. Then I had to go to the next leg of my tour. And when you say you shit there, shit everywhere. Was that. Did you like diarrhea and ended up on the floor or something? It ended up on the robe that I was wearing. What? Aw. I was relaxing. I ate the breakfast, went back to my hotel, had a shower, put a robe on, sat down to do emails, shat the robe big time. After your shower. Yeah, after the shower was the worst. Had to soak the robe in the sink. Apologies to them. The fact that you. Then the level of confidence. You must have had to shit in a hotel robe. Yes. And then call reception and say, your breakfast just made me do a shit in your robe. Well, listen. Oh, yeah, I knew they were going to see that. I tried to clear up the evidence. I tried to. I was like, no. So I was like. And I was angry about it. Right. What I would do is I would take that robe with me and then I'd pay them. I'd pay for the robe. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't. I wouldn't call reception and admit I just had a shit in the robe. I call reception. I'd send it to their face when I was leaving. Sometimes the robes, though, are like $300. And then it's like, you going to. It's like, I would want to then. Because I wouldn't want. Just because there's on it. I wouldn't want to throw it away. If I was really going to take that hit. Would then be like, okay, I'm going to keep the rope, but I got to wash it. Yeah. But then if you put a robe in your luggage, the smell will get into the rest. And I say this as someone who has shit in underwear and been like. I was like, I guess I'm going to travel with it. And I put in a bag. Guess what? It gets through the bag. It gets through the bag and it makes your other clothes smell like poop. This was. This was a really long time ago. Yeah. Yeah. Reset. This was maybe like ages ago. Yeah. Mine was about a month from today. I would just say even the future. The robe was $300. I think I'm willing to spend. Spend that so I don't get into a situation where a hotel receptionist is googling, how long does it take for something to make you yourself. Well. And then showing me the results. And also the kind of like the. I don't know, that's kind of like litigation or something like that. The skill to be like, actually, yeah. Yeah. Science says here on the screen, like, she's probably had people. People do that before. Yeah. That. That can't have been the first time the breakfast has made someone themselves. That's what it felt like. It felt like she was like, I've been here many times before. You're not gonna win this. It feels like maybe the bacteria was just, like, sitting in your gut and as soon as food touched it, inflamed it. Yeah. So it probably was the food, but maybe it was the food from the night before. That's just like. Yeah. How sometimes you'll, like, not if you're sick in with like a stomach flu or something, and you won't have to puke or, like, get. You don't get that, like, weird nauseous feeling until you actually try and eat something. Yeah. That's what it felt like. Did you tell them about the robe? No, no. I was like, they'll find out. And was there any blowback from that? No. They didn't follow up and go, hey, found that robe in the sink, Soaking in the sink. Don't you think? We don't know what you did. They didn't do that. I don't know exactly what hotel it was. I'd know the hotel if I saw it. Yes, of course. And they'd know you if they or you. Yeah, I think actually I was already at the point in my career where she did know me, unfortunately. And you went down and you were like, I. Yeah. And what did you want to. What did you. In your head? What did you. Yeah, you know, at the time, I guess I thought they might take the breakfast off the bill, but I don't know why I wanted that. I don't know why I thought that was a fair trade. That was worth my dignity. Was this when you were going through a tricky time when you know. Yeah, it was on tour. So, yeah, I was at my wit's end. You know, it really, it's tour I think is destabilizing it. A lot of stuff. It throws your whole body out of whack. Mind, body, soul, it's. It's okay. And maybe she saw that. Yeah, maybe she was like, it's not the breakfast, it's your lot, it's the tour. Yeah, yeah. She could have googled my tour dates and just showed me those and gone, yeah, these are too close together. Yeah. This kind of geographically doesn't make sense. Yeah, you should go through that list and tick every time. You've done a horrible shit every day. That's it for part one. We'll be back with part two tomorrow. Perhaps you've listened to this whilst traveling to see family over the festive period. Maybe you've been cooking a Boxing Day feast. Or. Or maybe like James, you've been cleaning your flat. Hi James. See you tomorrow. What a difference a day. Swap your airport transit. Wait for an exciting stopover in Qatar where idyllic beaches and vibrant souks are all just moments away. Enjoy a 24 hour Qatar stopover with 5 star hotels from only $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.comstopover Terms apply. Hey guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic famous foods from restaurants across the anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. 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