Benito James Acaster (0:00)

Benito James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special Heckler's welcome which is going to be on Sky Now TV and hbo. Max, it's on all of those like right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them. I'd like them to know. Okay. I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye now. AT T Mobile get four 5G phones on us and four lines for 25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins. All on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account, $5 more per line without auto pay plus taxes and fees and 10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit stop and balance on a required finance agree. Do bill credits end if you pay off devices early? 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I've never found a more perfect gift than food. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your Life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code G. Welcome back to the Best of's. We've been expecting you for some time. It's part two of our best of 2024 episodes. Ed, how would you describe this episode in your words, not Bonito's? Well, yeah. Jam packed. Jam packed. Jams in italics. Jamming into it as I'm thinking of it now. And this time, let's start off with a nice refreshing glass of H2O. Let's hear from Ella Purnell, Naoise Katona, Saoirse Monica Jackson, Rachel Stevens, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Brownst, Patti Harrison and Nabeel Abdul Rashid. First of all, we always start with still or sparkling water. Still. I have a theory. So sparkling water. We need to call it something else. Cause it doesn't taste anything like water. Sparkling water should taste like. It should taste neutral, just fizzy. And sparkling water doesn't taste neutral. It tastes bitter and sour and like something else. It's like a unflavoured soda. I know. I've just described sparkling water. Okay, hang on, let me start again. It's sour. I hate it. I really don't like it. And it really bothers me that it's called sparkling water. It should be called something else. It should have its own name. We should come up with a name now then. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So for the listener, it's now 9:19. Why are you doing time checks like we're on live radio? We got name for sparks in water when people don't know what pressure we're under. Ella was like spouting philosophy earlier. Was? I came in so hard. I think you're going to be okay, but Ed and I aren't fine on all cylinders. We got to come up with a new name for sparkling water at 9, 19 in the morning. It should sound how it feels. So sour is a word you've used a few times. Yes. Bitter. Yeah, bitter, sour bubbles. People can't see me, but I just made it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that'd be. I don't know if I could pronounce that. Yeah. How you spell that? Yeah, yeah. Every time. Do you want still or. Yeah, less people would be asking for that. It's also slightly off putting. If the waiter offered me that, I' look at him and say, no, thank you. Yeah, it would remind you of, like, oh, that's how it's gonna feel, actually. So I'd rather just have the still water. Yeah. And still or tap. Like if you go into places. Are you a tap person? I don't really care about the difference. It feels like they're trying to rip you off as well. It does. They are. When they say still or sparkling water, you know, there's a third option, you know, but no one's saying why. Don't they ever tell you? Yeah, they should say still sparkling all the time. They shouldn't assume that you know that they have a tap. They may not have a tap. That's true. I wouldn't go to a restaurant that didn't have a tap. That would be a real suspicion. But you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. How do you know? Okay, well, I go in and go, first of all, do you have a tap? And then I'll eat your food if you've got a tap. Hi, can I see a menu? And also, do you have a tap? Can I see a menu and your tap? Take me back there and show me you got a tap. Otherwise it's weird. I would like to see the tap. I think if you are. If you are ordering tap water, it would be good to see the tap. Are you going to judge the restaurant on the cleanliness of their tap? What if the taps rank? No, you're right. There's a massive limescale build up on that tap. Oh, God. I wouldn't want to eat there. I wouldn't want the tap water, that's for sure. No, then I'd get still. Yeah, maybe that's the standard we need to be setting. You can see what this tap is. Take me back there. Yeah. Can you think of like. So if you are having tap water and this is your dream meal, is there a tap? That you've seen in your life, that you like. That's the tap I would like it to come from. It's honestly the first time we've ever asked this is it? Yeah. I was going to say we've done over 200 of these. What, wool? That's a great question. I haven't seen that many cool taps in my life. Come on, come off of it. Well, have you seen a lot of. Hello, You're a big star. Yeah, I am a big star. Are you telling me. Are you telling me they don't have good taps? Guys, all taps kind of look the same. Are you joking? Okay, come on. Separate hot and cold tap or a mixer. Oh, no, I hate when they do it separately. Yeah. Because then when I'm trying to wash my face and warm waters. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. I can't. It's too stressful. And then a Burma visit and then it's too cold and then you end up just doing cold and then you're cold and it's. It's a very stressful experience. I don't want to have to hold my hand separately and then mix them together. Trying to mix hot and cold water in a bowl hand is really uncomfortable. I clearly have a lot of. I didn't realize I had such strong feelings about taps. Yeah, see, but no, that really does bother me, actually. You are being surprised in this podcast, but by your own opinion. I didn't know I had too many. Yeah. Wow. Thank you so much. So you would like a mixer tap? I like a mixer, but for a drink. Surely you don't want a mixer tap. Oh, no, I wouldn't turn the hot. That's unfair of you because you led Ella down this path of choosing the mixer tap and now you've gone. Fucking got tricked me. Yeah, yeah. It's a gotcha interview. Sorry. Yeah, like you've been gotcha. When it's one tap, you just turn the cold bit on. I wouldn't turn the hot and the cold if I was drinking water. No, not strict warm water. We'll start with still or sparkling water, as we always do. Gosh, I forgot about that. I forgot I was here for this. Yeah, yeah, I can tell you forgot. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Still or sparkling water, Ed, what would you have? No, we're not doing that. It's about me. So can I tell you honestly, I feel quite strongly about this because I don't like still water very much because. So I used to go to India a lot when I was very Little. A lot. A lot, a lot. And I spent a lot of time with very, very bad diarrhea. Very bad diarrhea, because I used to drink the water that came from whatever the buckets in the village that were kept. The water was kept then in a clay pot because they thought that cooled it. But what it in fact did, it just made the water evaporate down into the microbes. So I literally would come back and I was often hospitalized. It was that bad. Right. So for me, still water smacks of that stuff that you put in drip bags in hospital. It's like interstitial fluid. It's just. It's the stuff that you would squeeze out of a dressing. Wound dressing, not a dressing gown. Both, actually. Do you know what I mean? I have no fondness for still water. Most disgusting description of still water we've had on the podcast ever. We've asked that question so many times and you start to think we've had all the answers we're going to have. But it reminds you of interstitial fluid that someone squeezed from a wound dressing. It's a little bit like that. Do you know, like they say that a durian fruit smells like an old wound dressing? Yes. The definition. Stinky fruit. Fruit, yeah, that's the definition. I always think of just still water as. That's, you know, it's the stuff of drip bags. It's the stuff you mop up, you know, it's a nursing term, I think. Still, but then sparkling. You see? Now, the thing with sparkling. Can I tell you this? I. I'm very careful about my teeth, James. I'm a very careful person when it comes to my teeth. Because I think. I used to think dentists get paid. Your mom's not a dentist. Bonito. No. Buy the filling, as far as I know. Now, I love them and I think they're fantastic. But there was a point I was raised to believe that they were paid by the filling. So you don't go to the dentist. So I'm really. And I hadn't had a feeling till I was 35 or whatever, so really careful about my teeth now. Have you seen the malum. Granite pavements? Do you know what I'm talking about? No, no, obviously not. In Mallard, Yorkshire. Yeah. They're called the granite. Granite. What's it called? The granite paste. Are you Googling it? The great. That basically carbonic acid. That is what it does to rock. Yes. So still, so pure, sparkling water, in my view, just completely erodes it. You're going to end up with, you know, Elizabeth, I teeth drinking pure sparking water. So I find it too acidic. I just find it kind of fuses your frontal lobe to your eyebrows, you know, it's just. Okay. Strips your mucous membranes. I just find it too acidic. So I like to go half and half. Yeah, so that's true. You take the two things that you don't like and put them together. Well, you have do you know you have to be polite, don't you? And I put the two. But I have to say, when I put the two things together, they're perfect. You're getting that lovely palate cleansing. You know, you get that little bit of acidity. Just a little wake me up. But it's also hydrating. Yeah, I don't drink a lot of it. You know what I mean? I like to go to the loo maybe twice a day for a week. Yeah. By the sound of things, you don't always go to the loo for. And that is. I've witnessed that happened. This is the half and half. When a runner comes in and says, would you like some water still or sparkling? Anisha says, yes, I'll have half and half, please. I think half and half's a thing though, isn't it? Surely people do that. It's the first time maybe we've had that on the podcast. I mean, maybe someone else has said it at some point, but as a. But not as a thing. They already do. Yeah, I think they probably like maybe riffed it and gone. Let's go for half and half. No, really, I think you're the first person who. That's your pre existing preference. Yeah, Especially the first person who wants half and half. And half of the drink they want is something they refer to as something from a drip bag and the other half is something they've seen rot away a pavement. Yeah, well, we always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference sparkling? I like to get the mouth scratched. So that's what you're enjoying getting from the sparkling is this scratchy mouth? Yeah, yeah. Just detangle that moist, get it all open. Yeah. Have you ever heard of the face jam for your face? Yeah, yeah, it's been recommended to me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, who says a lot about how I clearly look? Well, apparently it gives you a skinnier face. So maybe that's what sparkle water's doing for the inside of your mouth. Do you from the inside? So I thought you're saying it gives you the skinnier inside of the mouth. Yeah. Does that show on the outside, then? Or are you just trying to get shim. And so what? Because there's less on the inside, so it means you have to pull it out from the outside. My silence finder just feels nice, doesn't it? Just swish it around. Yeah, I know. I see what you mean. It's stimulating. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Gets you ready for what you're about to eat, maybe. Yeah. And obviously scratches the mouth and makes it skinny on the inside. Yeah. And they massage the inside of your mouth at the Face Gym, don't they? They never. I've never had anyone's fingers in my mouth in the Face Gym. Other places, yes. At work sometimes. We should try and explain what the Face Gym is, maybe for some listeners who don't. Yeah, explain the Face Gym. I'm going to explain it really well, so hopefully they give me some free visual. Yeah. The Face Gym is a place where you go and they exercise your face. You don't have to do any of the exercise in yourself. You don't have to move your own face. They move it for you and they have like weights and balls and things that they press and roll and ice and you leave. Honestly, snatched. Yeah. It's amazing because I have. I've seen. I've been past the Face Gym and have thought. But where have we come to? You've got fantast Gnostics again, though, that you're supposed to. Thank you very much. And do you. Do you anything, dude, or you just wash it now and again? Me and James have had an argument about this before that I wasn't washing my face at night and James thought it was the most unbelievable thing he'd ever heard. Yeah. You have to wash your face. Yeah. And then I did an instance you're loving in London. Yeah. And then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were really upset that I didn't wash my face. So about six months later, when I'd calmed down my stubbornness, I started washing my face at night. Yeah. Do you not have like a wee sooty face when you're coming home? No, I'm not a chimney sweep. I'm not running through the streets of London jumping into chalk paintings. But it's modern day. Dirt is invisible now. Yeah. Well, I think also Ed was born. You have all that WI fi on your face. I should move to Donegal because I think, like, when I moved to London, I really noticed, like, oh, my skin is. Yeah. Like, as soon as I moved it, it was fine in Kevin. And then I moved here and all the pollution attacking my face. Whereas Ed was born here. So I guess you're hard. I've always been mucky. Knows how to deal with it. He's a mucky boy. But he must be hard as. Because. Yeah, the water is hard, so it must harden you, especially if you're growing with that water. Yeah, yeah. No, maybe. Maybe I'm just used to it, you know, it's like an immune system thing now. Yeah. Because I can't go anywhere with soft water. I've said it on the podcast before, it makes my hair too fluffy. Yeah. He texted me when he started washing his face at night to tell me he'd started doing it for a bit. I was texting him every night going, done it again, done it again. It's becoming a routine black. It's awful. And then I've got a little acid thing that I use sometimes as well. Oh, that's nice. My wife sometimes uses like an acid peel thing that is like purple, but never warns me when she's put it on. And I'm always shocked. Just walk into the bedroom, like, with a bright purple face, like, what the. Every single time I have one of those LED masks. They are amazing. Also snatch. Do they actually do anything, though? They really, really, really do. I just feel like when I take it off, I sort of look like I just got out of the sea. Do you know when it's a wee bit tighter and a wee bit like, yo. Yeah, that's what it feels like. Oh, nice. I really am on this Yankee and that's very relaxing, you know, to just lie down and like, just your pants and the face mask just like starfished across the bed. It's bit of you time. We live in a busy world. Yeah, we do. Yeah. We've put on an LED face mask that make us look like we're in slip. Not now and again. My girlfriend's got one of those. Yeah, I've tried it out a couple of times. Yeah. Sitting there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know, like. I don't think you have to be in your pants. I'll just say that now. I don't think you have to be in your pants. No. Because you're just out of the shower when you do. You're obviously not going to lie. I would have pants on. Supposed to be laying there in a LED face mask and full dungarees. And just do it on the tube. What you do when you're just clean. Right, okay. That makes sense then. Sorry, carry on. Well, last time I did it. I'm laying there, got it on in my pants, and then my cat, who was a sphinx cat, hairless cat, comes and sits on my chest. It was quite the sight, me with that mask on and a hairless cat sitting on me. We always start with still. A sparkling water for your dream meal. Do you have a preference? It would have to be still. Yeah. Cannot do sparkling at all. Sparkling, to me, tastes like soluble, like paracetamol. That's good. I know what you mean, but I think I quite like the taste of soluble paracetamol. Do you? Yeah. You like the medicine? I like medicine. You like medicine? Yeah. Because it's making you better. You can't argue that logic, Rachel. You can't. But you honestly like the taste of it? Honestly, I don't mind. I see what you mean, like with the fizzy water. And sometimes that soluble paracetamol almost makes water taste milky. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of a little bit gross. If there was some medicine that you had to just eat recreationally, just like, you don't need it to be. Get better, but you've got to eat it. Funny enough, when I was younger, I used to hit the cowpox up. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Even if I didn't have a headache in case I got one, I would hit the cowpot in case. Yeah. Always thinking ahead. Yeah. You weren't. Just because it was delicious. Most of us, we just wanted to glug that. It was that as well, you know. It was. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. And it's addictive, I think. Yeah. I mean, as a parent. That cowpo is epic. How you're a fen. Yeah. As a parent now. Always. Always got it on the go. Yeah. Yes. My God. Is it still as good? I don't taste it anymore. Oh, you mean the flavor. You must be tempted, Rachel. Do you know what? I'm not. What? I'm not moved on from there. I'll have a little shot of cowpolish. I want to see if it tastes as good as you remember, surely. Yeah. Next time. You will. Now, we said that. That'll be in your head. I'll be like. Yeah. Do you not want to admit it on this podcast? You worry there'd be, like, a controversy some Now, I've been stung by that in the past. I don't want to bring it up, but, like, remember that? Of course you remember. That was great. Well, it wasn't it. I was. I was the right age as well. I'd come up with S Club. And then when that happened, I was like, they're still cool. Walking past the cop car. Absolute legend. Yeah. Absolute legends. Blazing up outside of the Roses. Right. So blatant. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think Cal Pole would have been busy. Us girls were just minding our own business. Yeah. You know, working hard. Yeah. And they were just, you know. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. They get telling off or modern guys. Do you want that water from the hotel? That lemon mint. And do you want that as your. That's. That's reserved. That's reserved for the hotel lobby. And you don't want this for your dream. Let's say plain Jane. This. Yeah. Plain still water, which I'd love to hear you say to someone in a restaurant, by the way, when they come over to take your order. Just go, I'm a plain Jane. Yeah. I'm a plain Jane. Like a bag of carrots and a chicken wrap. Grilled chicken wrap, nothing on it. That's me. Plain Jane. That's what they call me. McDonald's. Do you ever go crazy and put the carrots in the wrap? Ed, this is not Sodom and Gomorrah. Cut this. What the hell are you talking about? This is McDonald's at one in the morning after I've done a gig. You're not singing. You're not singing in that, are you? No, I'm not sitting in. I'm eating them in the Uber. If the driver. You're not. Well, you're what? If the driver permits me. Hang on. So you ask, have you ever eaten in an Uber, Finn? No, I'm not a psychopath. Yes. What can't you eat in an Uber? Well, because you're in the Uber. What's your rating? If you're eating an Ubers, what is it generally? What's the kind of average Uber rate for you? Well, for me. Well, I was. I was right up in the high fours for ages, like, bobbing around the fives and then frigging bobbing around the fives. I left. Left Nish Kumar in it and let him. Let him carry on in my Uber to get to his house. And he made the Uber driver stop at an Ms. Service station. And then the Uber driver marked us down. And I was right down in the low fours. I thought, who cares? I'm gonna start eating my carrots. Never do that. Yeah. Like, compromised my score. Is it possible to, like, be in the twos before your Uber just gets taken? Surely. No. No one's ever been under, like, a. A four point, like, eight yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like that's because no one's gonna pick you up, but they can see you right at the minute. Yeah, yeah. The worst thing is now you can look at the more specific statistics. You can see how many, like, fives and ones you've got and stuff. All right. Oh, that's worse than I thought. Okay. Mine's worse than I thought. Yeah. 4.4.84. Oh, that's pretty bad. But I'm just gonna give a deal. 4.78, Finn. What? 4.84. Hey. All right. I feel like a 4.84 is usually. It's. It's just because sometimes I'm late. Oh, I'm 4.78 here. Yeah, boy. How is that happening to me, little carrot boy? Oh, yeah. It's because I'm eating the carrots. I said to pick up this carrot, boy. Yeah. You know, they're coming together. I'm scrolling down here. There's a load of fives, actually. I think this is what I've given them. Yeah. Yeah. You're desperate for this, for you to get a five, so you're just. God damn it. Yeah, well, bit of a shame, James. That is a shame. I do love sparkling. Like a refreshing, sparkling water. Especially with a lot of bubbles, like a Topo Chico. How many bubbles are in a Topo Chico? That's like a contest for. At a state fair where they. And the one becomes closest. You would get like a pig to take it. I couldn't tell you the actual number, but I would say a lot. Yeah, Millions. Millions. Yeah. It's actually. It's come out that. That is. It's unhealthy. There's actually something in there that. That's not good for you. I don't think I've had Topo Chico before. I've never heard of it. It's quite good. When next time you come to America, check it out. Should I just have it straight away in the airport? Oh, yes. Yeah. Right when you land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I down it in one in the middle of the airport and then shout I love tapa chico really loud. Is that how I should do it? Yes, that's. That's how they do it there. What do you imagine the people of the Spark who moor a lobby? What do you imagine they look like? And how many are there? Oh, that's interesting. Well, I think they're well dressed. I feel like the sparkling lobby. They're well dressed. Like a crisp white shirt, maybe a black. A blazer suit jacket, signature glass Statement. Glasses on. A few really round glasses. Round. Yeah. Where you're thinking like. Like, you're right. Shaped like bubbles. Yeah. Where like, they could be. Could be architects. They want to think of themselves as creatives. Yeah, yeah. I'm imagining loads of them as well. Oh, you're imagining loads. I was. I was imagining, like, just five. Oh, okay. But you're imagining, like, it's. They're actually like bubbles. I wasn't. Damn. And imagine anything yet because I wanted. I know it's come from you. Oh, yeah. I was a small group that has a very powerful, inordinate amount of power. Yeah, yeah. We're just thinking, like, wow, these five people have really changed the way that we drink water. Yeah. And, you know, and then there's just one person that's wearing, like, a colorful tie, and that's a person that adds the flavor to the sparkling water. Yeah, yeah. You know, just. Just a guy with, like, red glasses and, like, some, like, socks that are a little wacky. Yeah, yeah. And he's. He was the first guy that said, what if we added a little raspberry to this? He's like the. I assume it's like the Steve Wozniak of the great. He's the Wozniak. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he's coming up with a lot of stuff, but, like, he's getting screwed guy. Yeah. And there's, like, a lot of other people taking the credit. He's gonna write that book, though, that we're. Yeah, he's the disruptor. Yeah. There's gonna be an Apple TV series. Yeah, definitely. Oh, the podcast first the documentary, and then the limited series. I can't wait. Also, I'm a bit tense now for the podcast. I don't know if you noticed, but there's a point there where Ed said they would have round glasses, and then I said round like bubbles, and then it was like. Yep, that's what I meant. And listen, we're putting a good face on it now, but when you leave, that's gonna be a blazing round. It's gonna be really bad. I set him up for the cleverer listeners. And then you make it clear, for some of the stupider listeners, we always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? And then. And there would be the little sound effect you add later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben would add a little sound effect. Or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now and we can put them in instead. Episode. Okay. So for the Spiller Spark Stiller Sparkling. Is it like the Sound of the glass. It's poured in, right? I think. Yeah, it's like something pouring into a glass. Yeah, it's like, like. No, that's too, like hammy. I'm not trying. I'm actually not trying to ham it up. It'd be like, I don't know, because you know how it like goes from like low to high as, like, the glass gets filled. It's like it gets a cool pitch. Maybe just like, would be. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Squeezed it. Yeah. Not only do I think we should use that sound effect for your episode, I think we should use it for the next episode as well. Yeah. And who's the next? Well, no idea, but they're in for a treat. Well, let's start. We always start with still or sparkling water. Ah, still. Still water. I can't drink sparkling because I believe it's regular water that the Illuminati farted in. Illuminati farty. Illuminati. Far. Had an Illuminati party. Party. Yeah, exactly. Yes. You know, you know, I tell you for a long time. Wake up, sheeple. Wake up. Don't eat broccoli. It's man made. Yeah, broccoli's man made. Yeah, it is. It's. It's not real. Yeah, it's not real. What is your. What are your. What are your sources for the broccoli's man made? Google it. Now. Broccoli is a man currently googling. But what do you mean by man made? It comes out the ground, right? It does now, yeah. Interested. But so were you saying it's been like synthesized in a lab trying to turn us into communists? Wake up. I'm willing to wake up. I just need to know what I'm waking up. Truth is out there, sheeple. So Belito's googled broccoli man made. Yeah. Top hit is broccoli man made. Contrary to the claims of some skeptics, broccoli is not a genetically modified or man made vegetable. It is a naturally occurring plant that belongs to the same family as kale, cabbage and cauliflower. Lies. Lies. He switched it before I came here. I thought you would understand. I thought there was a chance. Yeah, but now we've got backgarden.org oh, yeah. Is the answer in 2020. December 2020. And it was updated this year. Is broccoli man made? And they are saying the short answer is yes. Broccoli is man made. Broccoli, as we know it, did not always exist as a plant, but was created by humans for an extensive process. It is not known exactly how many years ago broccoli emerged, but it is believed that early varieties of this plant appear more than 2,000 years ago. That's Jesus times. Yeah, that's post Jesus. Actually, wouldn't. This is like 20 years after Jesus. They made broccoli. Do you think that's a coincidence? No. So I told you people, the truth is out there. You don't trust broccoli because it's man made. And you don't trust sparkling water because it was made at an Illuminati fatty party and it makes you get sharty. So it's got to be still water all the way. It's gotta be. Now you're drinking a seven up there. Who's done a farty in that? Well, you need to understand is that to help the sheep, you must become like a wolf but still be among the sheep. Yeah. Yes. You must be a sheepdog. I'm deep undercover, bro. Okay. Yeah. I'm trying to find how they think. So you know that you're drinking farts right now? Synthesized farts. Yeah. Because it comes with a flavor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But water on its own with. With gas in it. Yeah. That's an affront to God. Yeah. Could you imagine it raining sparkling water? I quite like that, actually. You deviant. Fizzy water. Fizzy rain. So acid rain. Yeah, I'd love that. Bad. That just sounds like a very, very bad remix of a Prince song. Busy. Right. To be honest, every remix or cover of a Prince song is bad. Yeah. And done by the Illuminati and pharma companies. Big pharma are covering Prince songs? Yeah. Putting them out. What's the aim there? They're trying to, like, devalue his legacy. I've said too much. You know who invented broccoli? A big farm. Now, Ed doesn't do jokes like that very often, Bill. What do you think of me? Did a proper telling that. He's trying to cover things up. Yeah, Yeah. A big farmer. Do you understand? So it's. I've changed the meaning of farmer. I'm well aware. I think you'll find for a profession. I am. Listen, you're stealing the truth. Yeah. Stealing the truth. I'm willing to believe that sparkling water has Illuminati fartes in it. I am. And I, you know, still. Still water is the way to go. I'm just checking to see if that water fizzes, brother. No, that's. Yeah, that's still water. I'm drinking a glass of water. At the minute. And the Bill's got his eyes firmly glued to the glass. Yeah, we can get you. Still watering. Must stay focused, my brothers. We must stay focused. Oh, some lovely clips. Glug, glug, glug. Now, always, one of our favorite segments of the Best ofs is characters. We love it when guests come up with characters, especially when those characters are scrolling the prawn and Little Shit Bag. Here's Sasha, Monica Jackson, Noel Fielding, Michelle de Swarth, Reese Nicholson, Peter Capaldi, Hamidana Michon, Danny Dyer. And again, Saoirse Monica Jackson. The Langoustines. How many of them? I don't want to be too full for my mane, so I'll go with four. Now, are you having to peel those and stuff and do any admin with them, or is that just. Aye, I like that. Again, I find that ceremonious is the word. Yeah, yeah, I like that. And I like taking their wee legs apart, their wee sex packs. Yeah. Getting those wee bad boys out. Yeah. I've never thought of a langoustine as buff before, but now. Yeah, yeah. You know, early on when me and Hector started going out with each other, we used to come up. It was like, during the second lockdown, so it was obviously boring. And we used to come up with these wee characters in our heads that we obviously didn't just keep singularly and not speak out loud, but to come up together. And we used to, like, do the voices for them. And two characters was called Scrotton the Prawn and Little Shitbag. So I was Little Shitbag and he was scrolling the prawn and then. And then we. Yeah, it was only a couple months, like month or two. Yeah. And then I got an artistic commission, a photo. Like, I described Scrun the Prawn deer of what I imagine scrolling the Pronto looked like, which is like a lovable rogue with a pair of night gear mics on my cap backwards and a chain smoking a cigarette. But he's a prawn, right? But he's a pro. Yeah, yeah. And he has a sex pack. He has a sex pack. It's not to brag. So does my boyfriend, to be fair. Scroll on the brawn. There's no way around that. Congratulations to him on your six pack. So I got the role, dude, really being little shit bagged, you know, Talk us through Little Shit bag. Little Shit bag is a bag of money, like what you see in old cartoons, you know, like a bag with a dollar sign and it's got shit inside. It was with little Stank marks coming up the top. And it's always sad, but it's a tiny. It's full of. But it once contained money. Anything strong the Bronze is. Yeah, it once contained money. You're out. Yeah. So that's. That's why it's so sad. It knows how good life used to be. Yeah. I mean, you might not even know. Maybe it's a metaphor for like money strikes. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. How did you get. How did you get to score on the prawn and little shit back? It just started like the both of us sat on a sofa looking out a window and then. Do you never do that with. You're like you're significant others and then you're just like talking on the voice. Like, oh, I didn't have no patience. I don't have any patience because I don't have any time. Then we give them like their characters developed and then it became scrolling the front and little shipbug. Yeah, Covid. We all had to get through it somewhere. What's little shitbag's voice? What voice does little shitbags? That was sort of little. That's little shipbag's voice. It's not high pitched voice. It's prawn. There's more like you. Scrawn the prawn. Party, Party, party. I loved how you described that going, Scro on the prawn's more like scro on the prawn. So scrot on the prawns. Obviously. Scrot the prawn. You see? What's the relationship with each other again? What do they think of each other? I think that it's sort of like a mirror image, not a ripoff at all in any way of Rick and Morty. You know, like where little shitbag is always following Scronna. Prawn. Yeah. And Scrawn the prawn is just always trying to work things out and making it a disaster. And little Shipbag's actually fixing him's mistakes behind him and never getting any glory for it. But it's just happy to be there. I'd happily watch an animation of Scrawn the prawn and little shitbag. Yes, I know. Isn't this excellent? Nobody better fucking sting the idea. I think it'll be pretty clear if they've stolen the idea. I'd say as you were talking there and describing their relationship, I did notice a switch from talking about the characters to talking what sounded like your real relationship with your partner. You're like. And the little shitbug's always cleaning up Scoring the porn's message and never getting any credit for it. He's got a six pack so he can put up with some stuff. Yeah, yeah. I just take it because he's got a sex pack and I'm full of shit. I love that. It's a bag of money that's full of. A dollar bag that's full of. That's the character you came up with. University. Yeah. I'm a prom with a backwards cap. I'm a bag of. Well, I'm gonna get through the pandemic somehow. Exactly. There's a place in Big Sur. I went to America and big. I went to Big Sur and there's a place where all the beat writers used to eat. Yeah. I used to eat hamburgers there. Carawak Richard brought, again. Used to go there. Who's my favorite writer? And I just sort of. I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people had eaten. It's called the Nepenthe. Nepenthe. And it's basically. The view is just mountains, beautiful place. And the hamburger is. Supposedly. Everyone just would say, you got to go there for a hamburger. It's the greatest hamburger of all time. And I do quite like hamburgers. But. So I went there and the waiter came over up and I said, I've heard the hamburgers really good. And he literally went, well, little brother, this is true. We've been making them for 50 years, so it should be. He was like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Gee, Scoob, you gotta get the burger. He was amazing. Yeah, he was animated. I don't know how they did that. So that point when he suddenly did that, you must have been done by then. I was in. I was like, who's this guy? And then he was doing. There were so many people then. It was just him. The way he was the only waiter and he was sort of bobbing about. And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food. I just want that guy to come. Yeah, yeah. Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience of my life. And then I did have the burger, and it was the greatest burger. Amazing. Well, it was like. I don't really. You know, like, nowadays they always have very tall burgers, don't they? You know, you go into a burger place. Gourmet burgers are very tall. They're almost like they have to sometimes put that stick in. Yeah. Topple over, and you can't. How do you eat those? I don't know what. There's Too much stuff in there. Yeah, I'm not. So I quite like the little flat burgers. Who's the fellow in Popeye? Is it Wimpy? Yeah. I'll gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hamburgers look nice. Yeah. Really wanted a Wimpy hamburger. Is that. Was Wimpy named? It must be. Yeah, maybe. That can't be a coincidence, can it? He was called Wimpy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked like W.C. fields. He looked drunk as well, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. I mean, something was going on with him. Yeah. If they're done. Oh, my friend. He had a weird way of speaking. Yeah. Like WC Fields, like the waiter. Well, my friend. Oh, the waiter was out of control. Well, little brother. Little brother, it's such a good voice. UK comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America, and like people don't know who we are over there. And then you get more character. I think you encounter more characters. You do. And I think here, if you went into a restaurant. Yeah. And they've got a weird waiter, they're not standing there like, you want to go over to Noah Field? No, I'm not. Yeah. I'm too weird. You think they. They're self aware enough to go, I'm too weird. I'm too weird for Fielding. He'll love it. Yeah, it will. Use it. We'll talk about it on a podcast. I'm not going over there. But it was. That guy's just like, who's this? I don't know who this bloke is. Well, brother. And it's like, yeah, you get to have that treat again, like before you were famous. You're like, oh, this is great. I get the weird guy. There was a guy in a restaurant called the Gay Hussar. I think it's closed down now. That was in Soho and lots of politicians used to go there and. And I think they did some deal where if you were in a theater show in Soho or in London, you could get a cheap meal before if you were an actor. So it was a 60s thing. They were famous in the 60s and 70s. And it's called the Gay Hussar and it was Polish food, I think, and the guy that ran it, sort of Matri, was one of the weirdest people of all time. We used to go there just for him and he would just say obscure things like a stand up and then just leave and just hover over to table and go, excuse me. What? It says you can get Baked beans here. And he go, what's that about? And he'd go, well, if you're interested in the greatest baked beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish that I would recommend. Then he just leave. And then he'd say really weird stuff. Like, John Major was in here a few months ago and I saw him enjoying the beans. And then he'd sort of be gone. Like he'd be. Come over and they'd be gone. And then he started talking about he found a card on the floor, donor kidney donor card. And he went, I could never give my organs away. Have you had a meeting with one above his head? Probably. We've all had those pointless meetings, haven't we? Yeah. I remember you telling me that you went out to. You went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings. Yeah, yeah, Lots of good meetings. Amazing meetings. Yeah. It's cool to hear what, what Ed says to, like, other acts who I've not met. Yeah. Because me and Michelle met for the first time. No, we've met before. Met before. Yeah, we have. I met you. Yeah, we have. We've met. Do you want me to tell you where? Yeah, we did Clapham Grant. That's where we met, actually. Yes, yeah, yeah, we met. Yeah. And. And we met there probably about a year ago and I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that, like, if. If I love Seinfeld. Right. And I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where, like, Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England and he didn't think he had anything in common with him. And then the cousin turned up and it was you. And he spent the whole episode being like, I just can't relate to him and Jerry and George and everyone else was like, what do you mean? It's like, that's you. You are the. He's the British you. That is perfect. Perfect casting for a start. And an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline. Yeah, it totally happened. He was also wearing a funky shirt. And then you did, because we just met, you went, why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage? And then that was our meeting. I remember me, I said, have a good set. The last thing you want to do is stand up. I remember this now. You don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a standout, long lost cousin. Right? Yeah. That's what's in your head. Right. You're about to walk on. And someone who used to be A professional model goes, you. You look like Kramer. And then you walk on. Yeah. Have a good set, doing new material. You're gonna crush it. Yeah, I'm gonna stay and watch. I'm a big fan. Yeah. Do you know what? As well, I think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic. Yeah. It was vibes. Yeah. Deliberately or. No, in Kramer fashion. Oh, yeah, yeah. Coming through the door. Yeah. He went to catch it and dropped. Wicked. Yeah. Totally in your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely went on. Yeah. Threw it in the air. Yeah. And tried to catch it. Dropped it. Yeah. Started my set. So how do you not remember that you've met Michelle? Well, I do. Sounds quite eventful. Yeah, I know. Well, clearly what had happened is I just got to the venue just in time. I was about to go on someone I'd never met. Absolutely got in my head. I went on and dropped my mic. My brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mind. You know what? When I watched it, I went, see, that's a proper Kramer move, that. Yeah, that's proper. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that didn't help. Help. Yeah. Probably didn't help me figure, oh, I just dropped the mic. Just like Kramer. Yeah. Actually, that's not what Kramer would do on stage. And I'm glad. Yeah. Thank you. I didn't go that well. This is why I said long lost cousin. That's what I was hinting at earlier, but I just thought I'd let it ride out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fried chicken, burger and just not bonkers. Like, I don't want. You go to those kind of burger places now. And it's like, back in my day, it was just chicken and coleslaw now. But, like, I want some pickles on there. I love that guy. That's. That's Jeff. Yeah. Have some steak, Jeff. I love it. His brain. His brain's rushing a million miles an hour, but it's not to get anywhere good. A lot of urgency, but nothing's going on. Made a beef. It cut up the beef. Beautiful. You brought the kids. Beautiful family. Family. He cares about family, does he? Just an odd man who is desperately trying to appear normal. Yeah, like. Like trying to. He knows that it should be lovely that they bought the kids, but he can't really say it. Beautiful family. Oh, family. Never were. For Jeff. Jeff. Tata. Jeff. Jeff had to say tata to that. Where's Jeff? Right. None of your business. The other one. You don't know. One question. No, no, no, no. That's his catchphrase. Doesn't talk about his past. Jeff in Jeff. Tata. Tata means hello. Uncle Bo. I don't know where he's from. No, he's somewhere in the south of America. Yeah. Yeah. Like the deep like. Or the Shallow South. Not the Deep south, just the kind of. Yeah, the shallow South. Paddling end. What do you think he looks like? No neck. I. Oh, actually I imagined like quite a long but horizontal neck. Yeah. Like just completely coming out of his body. Just like a tortoise. Old potato head on the end. I think he looks like. I'll tell you who I'm imagining, actually. I'm just imagining the food critic from Ratatouille. No, that would be Ratatouille, actually. Let's go with that. Yeah. Who were you imagining? The pedophile from Family Guy. Yes, Herbert. Herbert the pervert. Yes. I imagine he looks. I've started describing a particular type of dad on stage recently. Like small dads. And I think this is what he looked of like holding up a frog like that, kind of like round egg body. I think that's what Jeff Tat had very long legs. Yeah. Yeah. And their wives dress them. Yeah, Little dads. Jeff Tartar doesn't have a wife, though. No. Jeff Tartar's single. There are a lot of people. He was. There was a lady that owned a flower shop down the street that he was. He was always like, oh, God, give her some. What do you buy? Lady that owns a flower, what do you give her? And Pepsi Max. Every day I give her a Pepsi Max. Oh, I feel sorry for him now. I was always. I was largely terrified when I go to a restaurant, but the one restaurant, funnily enough, that wasn't like that, which is ironic, was the Old Ivy. Ah, when I say the Old Ivy, I mean the Ivy as what before it became a sort of brand. Yeah. And the Ivy for. For listeners who don't know, was a. A restaurant that was set. I think it was built in the 20s or something like that and went through various hands. But it was always a kind of show busy restaurant. It was always actors. It was actors who went there as opposed to comedians. Yeah. Music hall artists and panto artists. It was always actors who went there. Vivian Lee and all that. Lawrence Olivia and stuff. And I was in my going to. Being quite a. Quite scared because you'd look around and there'd be like celery and it was like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger would go there and stuff like that. And anybody who was enemy would go there. But they, in fact, they treated you so well and so openly. I used to say, I wish I could bring my mother here because they treat my mother wonderfully. Not because she was my mother, but because that was how their staff were. They just treated people really well, like they were going to have a good time. Time, and they weren't going to be intimidated. I told me the staff was saying, you're not going to intimidate me. I mean, the staff were not intimidating their customers. Yeah. They were offering tap water. They were. They were a place that was. In those days, you just took whatever you. You. Yeah. You just got a bottle of water. That wasn't really. Because Perry had just been invented. Yeah. As a brand. And that may have existed in real life. Yeah. In France somewhere. But sparkling water was new on the same. Just been invented. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can either of you do a good Schwarzenegger impression? Arnie, Because. No, I keep on thinking. Not even letting you finish the request. No, no. This sounds very funny, him saying the Ivy. Like if you imagine Schwarzenegger saying the Ivy. Yeah, I think that would sound funny. But the. I. No, no, I can't do it. Let's imagine it. Yeah. Guess everyone's got to imagine him. Yeah. I always imagine Mr. Kipling as, like, Colonel Sanders, like cousin or something. Yeah, yeah. He's like English cousin. Yeah. Just like, not the white hair and the white beard, but like a brunette. So, like a brunette Colonel Sanders. A little bit younger, but they're cousins. A little bit younger. Yeah. Cousins. Do they keep in touch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From, like, from, like, Cornwall or something. And what. What's their opinion of each other, do you think? What does Kipling think of Sanders? I think they get on. On. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think they get on. I think there's that. I'm glad you're doing well. And I was like, you two. I guess there's no competition between them, right? No, because they're different as much as they're in the same industry. This. It's different. You know, he's doing fried chicken and he's doing cakes and like, you know, Sanders is a. Is a veteran as well. Oh, yeah. He's been around for. It's like a long time. Yeah, but he's like. He served in water. He's a colonel. Yeah. So, like, you know, Kipling is just a bloke. Just Mr. Kipling. Yeah. But Kipling's age. I'd imagine he was maybe in World War II. Maybe. Do you think? Well, I. Then I think it would be called something like Captain Kipling's cakes. But it's not. It's called Mystic. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was a conscientious objector. Oh, really? Yeah. See, I've just realized that when I imagine Mr. Kipling, I imagine David Attenborough. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. That's mad, isn't it? But I do just imagine David Attenborough. Yeah. So that is what you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I think of more of a, like an over the shoulder shot of like, you know, his hands and stuff. But I can't, I can't ever see his face. Yeah. Can just see like him maybe like making, making some cake or writing a letter actually to Colonel Sanders maybe. But like, I can't really picture every time I try and get around and see his face, I can't really see it. I don't. I could see his face so clearly. Yeah. He's standing, he's. He's standing on the edge like, you know those, you know those white cliffs in Devon? Yeah, in Devon. He's standing there and he has like long, like up to his shoulders, so it's quite long brown hair. Wow. With like a goatee. Wow. And a cigar and like a monocle. That's. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Do you. I mean, with like a three piece suit and he's just going, ha. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I'm really glad you asked the question. How do you imagine Mr. Kipling? Because that was all ready to go. Yeah. You've thought about that. You knew what he looked like. Yeah. It's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable. Bit like succession. Yeah. But you can't stop watching them. So. But with, with Freddy, he's lovely. He's a teddy bear with a bottle white. You know what I mean? And also, you know, I speak a bit of Japanese in it. Which is. Well, which is, which is just, it's worth tuning in just for that. Yeah. And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, because once you have a geezer on WhatsApp, because it's all phonetics in it, you can't write it down. Yeah. So I have to keep listening to it. Then I'm on the blow. I got the ump. And also I'm speaking Japanese with the ump. Yeah. And that's an energy. Yeah. Yeah. So. But I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a mustache for six months. Yeah. Which I broke it to me kids and they cried. Obviously. This call runs and stuff. And then. And interestingly. And then, interestingly, they grew to love it. And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset, so. So I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil. A bit of oil, you know, sort of brushing it and stuff. Little. Little tash brush. Oh, that's nice. And it's always nice to know you can grow one. Yeah, yeah. I think that's why I've done it. Well, I was going to say you've gone for this sort of a little soul patch thing as well. The musketeer violence. Yeah. That's my wife's least favorite favor. A bit. Yeah. Well, that's. It rounds it off nicely. Thank you very much. Yeah, it balances it. It does balance it. Yeah. It's not just a tash. Yeah. So you go, he's got a massage. But it ain't just attached. He's got more about it. It's a look. Yeah, yeah. It's a strong look. And when you've got attached is what I've noticed. You. You notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod. Yeah, yeah. It's odd. But I think nowadays I think attach is quite cool. I think if you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it, you know, you look a bit edgy. You know what I mean? And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a mustache, it means I'm a ve. Actor, even though I'm still a cockney. Yeah. And I don't care what they say, you know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character. Yeah, yeah. So you can do cockney with a task without attached, you know, and it was all my own because other people, unfortunately, couldn't grow them. I won't. I won't name them. And so that job, the stick on ones, which is a nightmare, you know, every time you smile, you know, one sticks up at the end, you're gonna make up. Just to constantly dabbing it down with glue was. I was just bubbling around with a nice shiny sort of oily touch, you know. Do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod? Yeah, I think they probably do because they're in pain. It's quite a painful process. I mean, once I got me wig on, I. I did look a little bit like Bob Carroll. Geez. Which I know. I mean, that's a throwback, you know, not ideal, really. Bob Cowgies, Although I'm sure he was a lovely Geezer. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he. You know, he's. You know, you had a. You had a nutty puppet. I mean. I mean, he did gob at people and stuff, but good back in the day, you know? They loved all that, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah. You love spice. Yeah, I love spice. You're adding spice to everything. You got a spicy drink. Yeah. You add Tabasco on your. Three types of Tabasco. Three types of Tabasco on those stars. You got some spicy dips for the poppadoms and the lamb. You're like. I'd add chimichurri on the side of that. Yeah. You're wanting to spice everything up. Yeah. And do you know what? Was England really done that for me when I first moved here? I couldn't even eat hot Doritos. And through the cultural landscape of this country, I have really went up on the spice amateur now. I would say I'm like. Like the most hardcore at all. My friends knowing my spice. Well, how do they all look up to you? Sometimes I be scared. I'd be scared to cook for them in case it's too spicy, but they are like, oh, my God, Saoirse, you can take so much spice. Oh, God, Saoirse, you know, there's no. Nothing you can't handle. I hear that quite a lot. Saoirse, you're on fire. How's little Shit Bag with spice? Not good at all. Does little shitbag handle spice? No. IBS just like. Yeah, you don't want little shit bag like or cry. Little shit bag keeps it all bottled up as a little shitbag shit. And then he snaps every once in a while. The bag snaps? Yeah. No, little snap actually snaps. Can't take it anymore. Oh, I thought you meant the bag snaps open. Loads of shit pulls out. No, he's never. He's never opened up, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He keeps it all inside. Yeah. Keep it all inside. Yeah. Sometimes he's. That's that scorn the prawn or anyone, he'll just, like. He'll, like, float up and smack him across the face and then come back down again. That'll be the end of episode. Big revelation. That little shitbag can float. Little shitbag only floats. Little shipbag's got no legs and hovers with a shadow below him. Good. It's good that we know that now. Yeah. You're so curious what I was thinking. Oh, God, I love Little Shitbag. I know. It's so cute. I think Little Shitbag would be my favorite character in the cartoon, but I'D appreciate that score on the prawn has to be there for the dynamic. If you had to invent characters for Ed and I to be in this world. Yeah. Cameos in the first place, you'd be a duck the quickest. I was not expecting that straight away. To James, you'd be a duck. You'd be a duck for sure. With really, really long legs and a tiny wee body. Well, what's its name? Flapper. Flapper. Flapper, yeah. Flapper the duck. Flapper the duck with a really legs and a tiny, tiny wee body. Yeah. I love it. And you'd be a ruler. A ruler. Just a ruler. Just a ruler called Shumpy the Ruler. Because I think you're like urban but measured. Yeah, that's why. Like a ruler. Like a ruler. Oh, I'm glad I'm a ruler, actually. Yeah, and I'm glad you didn't think of that as quickly as you thought of James being a dude duck. Yeah. A ruler and a duck walking around together. Give your wee doc hair the exact same hairstyle that you have. No. Good. Yeah, that's good. Very generous of you to refer to this as a style. Yeah. Literally done nothing to it today. So whatever this is, I don't even know what it's doing. Do not go on and ask for anything specific in the hairdressers. I say give you what we did last time and then every now and again I'll put something in it. Today is not one of those days. Yeah. I'll just woke cup, I think it looks like at the top. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the the person who cut it. Hey, did you ever have an Ike tech shaved under your head? No, I didn't. Funnily enough. Do I come across? No, I didn't. No. That was a big thing. Under right now you can add it. Shaved under the side of boys heads and all the gears like, oh, look, he's got his new night. The girls loved it. Yeah. Capitalism. H. It was a good thing. So girls liked the night Tick. Yeah, you were Andy the Night Tech. It was around the Space Boy era. It was part of it, really. Quintessential day. And all the gears had diamonds in their teeth. It was such a trendy time, wasn't it? That's all coming back in now. Yeah, it's coming back in, actually. I might get a night tick. You should bring it back. I should get a night. How do you think your wife would react if you came home tonight? But you still had the same thickness. Yeah. And fluff at the side of all the rest there. But just. You had to shave just one patch out and just do the night check at the side. How do you think she would react if you didn't tell her and you came in from the side of side and then you just went to bed that night and you went, oh, and you lay over and nighttime. Yeah. Good night. Good night. She's still not noticing. I bet she wouldn't notice. And I'd have to say good night to draw attention to it. Raging. Constantly doing that in the morning. Doesn't know. It's nice to see you. Yeah, nice to see you too, Ed. See you later, Sig and Monica Jackson really does have a lot of characters. Man, I forgot we were Duck and Ruler. We had our first wrestler on the podcast this year, and he had a spicy signature move. Let's hear from Will Ospreay. Come here. That's what wrestlers say. You. Yeah. We will start with still a sparkling water. Will, do you have a preference still? I can't do sparkling. Yeah, the Germans love sparkling water. I went over there a while ago. They love sparkling water. But I'm a still man. Yeah, it's almost standard in Germany. They absolutely love it. It is good, though. The ultimate sparkling water, in a way. What. What does sparkling water do when you say you can't do it? Does it have a negative effect? Not a negative effect. I just. I mean, I just don't like it. Yeah. So there's my negative effect. I think any. It produces hatred. It produces hatred. That might be good for wrestling. I mean, I'm. Oh, now. Oh, now get me in the zone more. If I start drinking sparkling water. Like, my hatred. That could be a thing. I'm gonna be. Probably gonna be pitching a lot to you this episode, but I reckon, like, mid fight, it looks like you're on the ropes. Look like you're losing. And then you grab sparkling water, and everyone's like, we know what this means. And then you have it. And then you're full of the hair. Yeah, it's like your version of taking your straps down or like, hulking up, doing, like, the Shawn Michaels kip up. And then just three silent minutes of you chugging two liters of Perio. I don't think I could do two liters by the end and get the sponsorship in there. Yeah. To be fair. Yeah. The big burp as well. I feel like it's like, take it. That's a good defense. It's a good defense mechanism. Yeah. Yeah, we can smell that right to the back. That's a Nando for me. Coming out the other way. Yeah, respect to Nando's, by the way. Yeah, man, come out the other way. Well, can I. Can I say as well that you and AEW has brought one of the most delightful things, which is listening to American commentators use the phrase cheeky Nandos. It is quite funny that I've. I've Colin that. Because honestly, that was just a thing where I was just like. I just didn't see wrestling as anything more than just like, oh, something I do on the weekends. Yeah, I caught the shitty Nando's kick. Just having a little laugh of everyone. But, like, now it's just kind of formulated and now it's just carried on. Yeah. And even to the point where, like, when I was in Japan and I turned into a bad guy, I remember Kevin Kelly telling me it was like, ah, maybe you should, like, ditch the funny names. And I tried it. It didn't work. Yeah, it stuck around. Now, Nando's must be absolutely delighted with this. I've never had any talks of him at all. I've only talked to the cash year, that's it. But you tell the cashier, you. I've got a move called. There was a. A thing ages ago in Romford where, like, a fan was shocked that I was paying Fernando's and I was just like, yeah, it's all good. And he was like, furiously tweeting, give him a black car. All right, I got money. All right. I mean, they are cheeky. That is very cheeky of them. One day. One day I hope we can work something out, like, feel like. Because, I mean, that's the sole reason why I've signed here. If, like, if I don't get a Nando sponsorship at the end of this, I don't know what I've got to do. Yeah, you've got to rename all your moves to something on the Nando's something Perry. Yeah, yeah. But put them in like a figure four leg lock. It'll be like the Perry chicken fires leg. It's better over here at&T customers switching to T Mobile has never been easier. We'll pay off your existing phone and give you a new one free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com carrierfreedom to switch today. Pay off up to 650 via virtual prepaid MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to 830 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax. Qualifying port in trade and service on go 5G next and credit required Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance and required finance agreement is due. The holidays are all about sharing with family meals, couches, stories, Grandma's secret pecan pie recipe, and now you can also share a cart. With Instacart's family carts, everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are. 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Get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code listen@bluenile.com that's bluenile.com code listen for $50 off. Now we got absolutely Darren Browned this year. And, you know, Scott got who? Devon Browned us. Derren Brown. It's been erased from my memory. And do you know who else got Derren Browned? Derren Brown. Here's Derren Brown and Derren Brown. I was really, really fussy when I was a kid. I barely ate anything. I was so proper fussy eater. And then when I. When I was at uni, I was in the back of a car starving. And some. The people I was with, they went out and got a pizza and called from the shop, do you want sausage on it? And I said yes, thinking that meant sausage. And good doesn't meant salami. And salami was an absolute no, no. But when it. I was so hungry. But when it came, it was all like, you know, mixed into the. With the cheese and everything, so I couldn't pull the salami out. So I kind of thought, all right, I'll just have to trick myself that I like salami. So I did this thing of. As I was eating it, I. Not out loud, but in my head, I was going, I'm doing that. And not giving myself a moment to go, hang on, where's the salami taste? I don't like. Where is it? Where is it? There it is. I don't like, like it. And it worked and I ate it. It was lovely. And then I started doing it with everything and I just wiped out all these things I didn't like by just doing this, by going in my head. The only thing it left was mushrooms and blue cheese, which. Which I can't stand. But you don't brown to yourself. I turn around myself at a young age. Are you aware that that's like a saying, you know, it's a verb. You know your name's a verb, right? I am, yeah. I use it. I use it without even realizing the irony. I just don't brown that. Me and James watched someone try and Darren Brown someone else out of hating a food. Do you remember? Oh, my God, it was the best. Fucking hell. Yeah, I do remember what happened. It was when we were doing Celebrity Hunted and it was before we started filming. We were all just hanging out in Shrewsbury Prison was where we started. We had like two days in Shrewsbury Prison for them to just shoot, like five seconds of us escaping from the prison. But it was such a great two days. So we were with the Speakmans. I don't know if you know the Speakmans. No, they're like therapists, but they do a lot of work with people around, that sort of stuff. And they're on this morning quite a lot. There's a very funny video of them speaking to a woman who throws up every time she thinks about custard. But we were also with Bobby Siegel, who was on University Challenge. Yes. And he. He didn't like Marmite. So they went, right, Bobby. Also for context as well, Bobby Siegel is the most positive person you've ever met. He's actively trying to be positive about everything. Right. And would never in a million years, if someone was doing any sort of, like, mentalism on him or hypnosis, ever admit if it wasn't working. Okay. He was. He's a people pleaser. Yeah. Okay. So it was perfect. We watched him go through all of these exercises they set up with Marmite of him getting like, now imagine I've got my Marmite here, Bobby. What are you gonna do? Move closer to the marmite. Closer to the marmite. And then he was imagining eating the Marmite. He's like, and what do you feel about Marmite now, Bobby? And he went, yeah, I like it. Actually, you could tell. Total bullshit. A bit of the enthusiasm face going like, it's good, isn't it, Bobby? You like it, Bobby? And did they then get him to try it for real? The next morning at breakfast, they got him to try some Marmite. He was like, that's nice. Yeah. And they walked away from the table. You could just see him, like, absolutely gutted that he'd eaten Marmite. He was eating it on its own. Like, he had a pot and he was putting his finger in and just into his mouth so much Marmite that even people who love Marmite wouldn't do that. I love Marmite, but even, like, a tiny bit of it on its own, I have a real, like, it really makes me rich. You want to hang out with the speakman, I think what they did with him. And then maybe you can vouch if this would work. So they. They basically said, think of a food you love. Yes. And we're putting that over here. So they, like, gestured it's over in this part of the room. And as we move this pot of Marmite closer to that, how do you feel about it? Yeah. And then eat the Marmite. That was what I remember it being. That's a. That's an NLP stuff going on, right? Yeah. I think that. I remember I cured someone of a cat allergy like that and using a sort of similar thing. Just really curious to see if it would work. And I say cured, but it was sort of like, it definitely worked. There and then, like. Because when he was talking about cats before he was even just talking about them and thinking about them, it was making him sneeze and everything. And then he didn't afterwards. So there's that. Okay, you've created like. But that's not a real cat yet. It's just how you feel differently. And then apparently he was better with the cats, but I think it didn't really last. Like, you know, after a few weeks or a couple months, whatever, he was back to where he was. So. Really? Yeah. Hard to. Hard to say, but does. It does have. It can have some effect. We felt Bobby Seagull was just being polite. I think I was just being polite. And what she does go, yeah, yeah. He was actively making those noises. Yeah. So maybe it did help a little bit, him doing that. I find Marmite and mint sauce is the other thing that I love, but I can't have it on its own. Just a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's just something. It's rare. It's rare that you're in a situation where you might end up having a marmite or mint sauce by itself, but you're going to do it once, if you like. Both. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. There was a salad in the pub that I used to work in, this chain pub that was just basically. I mean, I can't remember the other ingredients, but there weren't many other ingredients. Basically just mint sauce and red onions. I got hooked on it one day. I couldn't stop eating it. Just this. We had to certainly explain to breath. Yeah, I'll stick. For the listener. I'll stick. That's amazing hearing you say it back. Yeah. As beautifully as you did. Yeah. That's gorgeous. You've heard that. Please now confirm to the listener that envelope hasn't left you. This has been in front of me all the time. If this contains my menu choices, there's no excuse. You've had it there and you've signed it over the thing. If you could open it and just read to the listener what it says inside. And here the envelope says prediction on the front of it. I've removed a sheet of paper. Yes, here we go. I'm removing it. It says darren's menu. Here we go. Water, olive oil. That was a. We got that one wrong. That's wrong. But you always get one. You got to get one wrong at the top. I did have a moment there of thinking, oh, my God, this is actually going to be. Well, you always get the first. You always get the first one wrong. Yeah, yeah. Failure. Yeah. Dropping a ball. All right. Poppadoms or bread. You put Egg McMuffin in a cigarette. Always get the second one wrong. Always get the second one wrong. Starter clams. Main. Candy floss. Flambed. Well, okay. Not far off. You're not far off. Side. Spaghetti hoops. Boiling hot. Nearly like lava. Nearly. I've had it like lava. Spaghetti hoops is close. Drink an ice cold beer. Dessert. Nothing. You haven't written anything. We are out of page that We. We didn't really space out the menu enough and we ran out of space. Of room. We had to just leave it. Dessert. This is. Went out of space. I'm framing this. Yeah, that's. That's got spaghetti. What do you. I mean, yeah. I mean, in a sense, they're all correct. You've got the spaghetti hoops and spaghetti hoops are circles, like meatballs. Yeah. A nice. Yeah, in a sense. Candy floss. Comfort food. Yeah. Clams. Well, I mean, clams are by the sea. Pompeii's by the sea. Yeah. They probably were feasting on clams when it all started. We talked about all of this. Olive oil was in the salad. Yeah. Egg muffin. Had a cigarette. That's my favorite. That you peaked. Peaked early. Yeah. That one is wrong. And olive oil was correct. That's what I said. So, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. Phenomenal. Pretty good. Proud of that. You just got Devon Brown. It's time for the annual section of bits that don't quite fall into a category. So we've labeled them anecdotes Lazy from Benito. It's. Oh, yeah. That is the awful way of writing. He hasn't even bothered with these ones. Here's Olga Cock, Helen Skelton, Noel Fielding, Rose Mattufeo, Jada Pinkett Smith, Katie Wicks, Jason Manzoukas and C. Mat. That sauce, is it like. It's like tomato. It's like cocktail sauce, right? They call it. Yes. So it's like. It's very horseradish heavy. It's very horseradish heavy because I had it a lot when I was in the States a couple of years ago ago. And sometimes it's almost too punishing for me. Oh, it gets in your nose. Yes, yes. That's what horseradish does. Truly. So I grew up my mom's party trick, when she, like, was at a dinner party, I remember growing up, and, like, things were kind of maybe dying down. She was like, let's do this to. To get. To get the party back going. She would propose to have either a mustard or a horseradish eating competition. So she challenged the biggest guy at the dinner party and be like, I bet I could eat more radish than you. And the guys would be in tears, and she would never shed a tear. And I would be like, oh, mom, you're the coolest girl. That's so funny. Every time. Atmosphere's dropping, people are leaving. All right, what's going to make people stay? Biggest guy at the party. Yeah. This poor guy doesn't want to do it. You, big fella. Let a horse run for me. Oh, God damn it. Even though size has absolutely nothing to do with tolerance for horseradish. But it was more impressive the bigger the guy was. Yeah, she would just eat it with a spoon. And so I come from a horseradish forward family, do that. Do you think you could? I don't think I could. Oh, I don't think I could beat my mom. But I do think I have a higher tolerance than a lot of people. What condiment do you think you could eat the most of? Just. Yeah, just with a spoon. Just with a spoon, yeah. So glad you asked. Yes. I want to say garlic mayo from, like, any kebab shop. Oh, that's good. And like, I want it in the big thing with the. With a squeezy at the top. Yeah. Straight in the mouth or into. Yeah, yeah, straight into. Someone's just stepping on it. Yeah. That's a good answer because it is very. What's yours? I mean, now it's hard to not just say that because we counting pesto as a condiment. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's your nightmare. That's just bits. No, I love what that should be. That's 100 bits. Maybe it's just anything I had as a child that had bits in it. I can eat pesto from the jar. Like a big yogurt. Yeah, yeah. 100% pine nut forward. We're like pine nut, pine nuts. Yeah. Big load of cheese in there as well. Just like really oily as well. Oh, no, I've got a new one. Laugan mah chili oil. Okay. We go through that in our house. I can eat that. I genuinely eat that from the jar. Wouldn't be too spicy? No, it's not too spicy. It's like salty as well. It's sweet and it's mainly bits. It's the crispy chili bits in chili oil. I've just bought a 700 gram jar of it. Lots of balance as well, because it's Giving you. It's not just one flavor. It's every flavor you need that goes on. Every. Everything. James. I guess sour cream sauce, like the dip. Sour cream dip. Would you not feel ill immediately after eating a few spoons of sour cream dip? You could just, I guess, imagine it's yogurt. Yeah. Yeah. It's very tasty. I could do that. I mean, and we know that in the past. I've eaten a whole jar of salted caramel sauce before. Yeah, that's true. But that was. You were angry when you did that. I was very cross. I was the kind of stick to an ex. Oh. Making sure she couldn't have any of it. When I was cleaning my stuff out the house, I was like, bad luck. You ain't getting any of that sort of camera that I bought. Oh, and you leave the empty. I bought it, like the day before we split up. Then she broke up me. I'm like, oh, God, leave this jar behind. She's gonna meet the rewards of that. Not on my watch. Not on your watch, but also not on your watch. Was just taking it with you. You stood in the kitchen and ate the whole. Survived the tube journey. I didn't want it to, like, lose its form, you know, with like, cookie or nothing. Just straight on its own, just with a spoon. I thought, I'm allowed to do this now. Calories don't count. I'm. I'm grieving a relationship. Yeah, you really showed her. Yeah, I did show her. Did you think. I don't think she noticed. I mean, I hope that she'll listen to this podcast, but I don't think she's a fan of mine. That's a good question, man. What condiment could you eat the most of just with a spoon? I also don't know if frosting counts, but I do remember at my peak, sort of 15 year old, because, you know, I. I don't know what your relationship with food was when you were teenagers, but it was for. For me. For me, it was like a competitive sport. And so it's like three sleeves of warriors. Let's go. And I. I would like my, I guess, party trick maybe. Now that I'm saying this is. It's. It runs in the family. Betty Crocker chocolate icing, but like a pot spoon. Biggest guy in the school. Yeah. You be a Betty Crocker outside. We used to go to a pub that served half pint glasses full of wasabi peas. And my party trick was downing a half pint of wasabi peas. Oh, my God. But wouldn't it get dry? The throat would get so dry. Really bad. Spicy. And it's right in my nose and I'm crying. The body said that? Yeah. Who's challenging you? I would be like, oh, nearly last orders. I feel like the atmos is dropping off. I'm gonna go on somewhere else. Half a bun of wasabi peas, please, barkeep. And I was the biggest guy in there, so I had to challenge myself to do it. Yeah, you big. So your mom never lost though? Never. No, she's amazing. She's. She's amazing. Also really sad thing happened that like, also one of her things is that like, she has a really good sense of smell. Smell. She's a very eccentric lady. She couldn't like identify anyone's perfume. Everyone always is like, her nose is so open all of the time. And so she. She can like, she can smell identify absolutely anything. It's amazing. It's incredible. Also was a nightmare because it's like she obviously could tell if you were like out drinking when it. As a teenager. And so after Covet, she lost her sense of smell. She still hasn't gotten it back and now it's like she literally had an identity crisis. Yeah. She was like, I'm not using deodorant anymore. You. You guys. Yeah, it was really, really sad. And now she's like kind of reinventing herself because she can she without her sense of smell. But can she take more horseradish now, I wonder? She. She could take that show on the road. She could be like one of those competitors. Yeah, yeah. Because a prawn cocktail opener. Can you imagine just eating the. The cocktail sauce? That would be so cool before. Before I do the show. Guys, this is my mum. She's gonna eat. She's gonna eat her bucket of cocktail sauce. She doesn't wear deodorant. Fair warning, she sticks. So everyone apologize. My grandparents lived in Rothwell, so my grandma would always go to Leeds market and bring back, I'd say sack fulls of broken biscuits. Yeah, absolutely. Love it. Why? Why? A broken biscuit should be more expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My first job was just down the road from McVitty's factory and I used to do breakfast. So I used to have to go to work every morning at 4:30. But it was so good because I had to go past the factory and on the way back they sell off the boxes of broken. Yes. Oh, I wish the Wheat Books factory did that when I was growing up. There's less of a good smell from a Wheat factory. Disgusting. If you enjoy a factory. I did a whole series, you know, on factories. Did you? McVities, Walkers, Hines food factories. Guinness. Yeah, there was another one. Wasn't. Wasn't my best work. What was your fa. What was your. What was your favorite fact? Well, I was pregnant with my third. My least favorite, because I was pregnant with my third child was Heinz. What you're about to say. I was pregnant with my least favorite child. My least favourite is not. Don't say which one. No. Yeah. I filmed this series in Food Factory Super Brands. Oh, Warburtons. That's a great factory smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Heinz beans. When you're heavily pregnant, you do not want to put your head in a big massive. A vat of blanched beans. Oh, God. It's not great. But is that. Is that. Would you say for all pregnancies or is that specific to yours? Do you think that beans made. Made you feel ill? Because some people might have a craving for it. Right. It might be the best thing possible. Well, that combined with. I spoke to the wonderful people who do the testing. They have people who do the quality control and they just all day taste cold bowls of spaghetti hoops, Alphabetti spaghetti, cold soup, all of that. And that's their job. Job. Used to just constantly taste stuff. A couple of hours of that coupled with the blanch beans, it wasn't a great day for me. I don't. Look, I didn't meet these people and I've not seen the show. I don't want to cast aspersions, but I bet those people look awful. Yes, no, they know. Quite. And they've all worked there for like 40 years. They look like ghosts telling. Let's be honest. Yeah, surely. I mean, as I say, it was a dark time in my life. I was just trying not to be ill. I think those people would look like, you know. Have you seen the Descent? No, actually, you're wrong. Very happy. No, no, no, I can't have it. They were so. They were so happy about their cold bean tasting. Yeah. They think they're happy. Yeah. But they look like they're in the Descent. They look like they've not seen very much. Not eaten properly. No. They gave me a personalized bottle of ketchup. I can't say anything negative. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. We live quite near a bread factory factory, me and my wife. And during COVID when we go on a little cycle every day, we'd. We'd really treat ourselves if we went the bread Way. Cycle past the factory and cycle, cycle through the smell. That was. That was our one bit of hope and excitement during COVID Guinness. That was another good smell. Yeah, you can do that in South London. Cycle past hops, places. Yeah, yeah. God, we're old now, aren't we? I'm gonna have to go fizzy over still, though. But, yeah, I've ruined fizzy by having it in taps. It doesn't taste the same. Taps. Yeah. It's a bit weird. So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap. No. Also, I heard Bob saying one, Bob Mortimer saying that it dried his mouth out, fizzy water. And I thought, how can water dry your mouth? No one queried him on that. I was thinking, there's no point, right. He won't answer us. I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water, so. Yeah, yeah. So just let him. Let him say that. Yeah. We got to get to sugar and tea. I think I'm gonna go six. Busy. But, you know, when people order, you know, people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water, don't they? In restaurants. I hate that. It's really arson. It's olive tap water. Thanks. Not paying for your water. You're like, you're in Hess and Bloom. It's not gonna hurt. I have tap water, thanks. But really. Well, you never know what Blumenthal's gonna do to the water, though. It's like, can I just. Is there a pond around there? Just go and take this ladle and just go. Well, for you. If you order tap, you could mean fizzy water. Yeah, yeah. That's what you're used to. Yeah, that's true. I mean, if you can get fizzy water in your taps, why don't you just get on bongo or something? Yeah, that's a good point. Soda. It feels like this guy's the limit if we're getting. If we've just got sparkling water. Yeah. Sparkles. I mean, imagine that. Would that be. Would unbungo be the dream thing to have at the top? So, yeah, sort of dirty pink, fruity liquid. Purely for the song. Yeah. Advert. Would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass? Yeah. The only good thing about having it come out of your taps is you go, john, some water when people come around and you go sparkling or still, and they go, oh, this guy's got some. This guy's got some quality about him. But imagine going, trust you in some bongo. I've got it piped in, they'd be like, oh, this guy's a serial killer. But you're one of the few people that people go, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gotten Bongo coming out. Makes sense. Yeah. No filming house. He had on Bongo coming out of his taps. He washes with it. He has a full shower. Shower. It's really weird. It's one of the stickiest men you could ever meet. Is it still a thing on Bongo? I think it is. Is it? I think it is, yeah. I haven't seen it in ages. You can still get it. You can still do it. Is the carton the same? Yes, it's pretty much the same. Have they done that thing, though? This is what I don't really like about all those weird things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy, but they were delicious. And they sort of got go, hey, we're still party rings, but we're pretty healthy now. And you go, yeah, you're party rings, dude. You don't need to go, yeah, it's like there's. They've sort of gone quite dull. Remember, party rings were luminous almost. Yeah. You could sort of see your way through a dark forest with a party ring. It's like it been laminated with plastic. A party ring was nuts. But like, party rings are now quite dull. They're sort of a weird Google party rings. Bonito Google image. They used to be so bright. They were. They were luminous yellow. Yellow, yeah. You knew they were bad for you, but they tasted amazing. Yeah. They were the color of Mr. Blobby. Yeah. Do you think they have changed because you know how, like when you're a kid, everything seems bigger? Do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid everything seems brighter? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Your eyesight goes as you get older. Yeah. Party rings are duller. Yeah. That's not. That's not how I remember it. You got your screen brightness turned up to max. Yeah. They're almost muddy. They're muddy looking. That's a dark pink. Yeah. Yeah. That's not good. Oh, that's where the brightness turn up to max. The yellow's still quite good. It's all right. I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out my taps. Yeah, that be good. Party rings can make that happen for you as the genie, if you want. Do you want that as your water course? Liquefied party rings. We'll change it to that. Party rings. Yeah, Sounds good. And then maybe if I'm Feeling insane. A tiny sliver of the onion one. But not now. Not. Not at. Not at this age. Not at this age. What's happened at this age? Onions, man. Onions. Not your friend. I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux. Have you? This is an. This is an exclusive to the podcast. Here we go. It's never happened before. This is like when Stephen Fry went on. This is the emotional bit that you clip up. Yeah. I have been recently diagnosed silence reflux at the tender age of 32, which is a former best reflux, where I don't get heartburn, but it goes all the way up, and it has given me mild laryngitis for. For years now, apparently. So silent acid reflux. Yeah, but deadly. Silent but deadly. Silent but deadly. Because it's not giving you heartburn, so you don't know you have it. So. So it's fine then. No, no, because it gives you leverage. It gives you acid reflux in the night and stuff. So I gotta have Gaviscom, which is. I'm. I. I cannot stand the stuff. It's terrible. I just want to nail down. If it's giving you acid reflux but you're not feeling it. I'm feeling it. Right. But not. I'm not getting the heartburn. Okay, so it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux. Right. Which I have not experienced. So what are your symptoms then, for acid reflux? Are you doubting? No, I'm not. I'm saying I'm trying to nail down. I don't know what the other. What the other symptoms are. So you said you're feeling it. How do you feel in the night? Coughing. Okay, thank you. Post nasal drip. Constant, relentless, mild laryngitis. Okay. Yes, thank you. Do you want to. Do you want a note? I got a note from the doctor. Silent acid refill. Well, it means, though, I have to stop, you know, eating late and, you know, figuring out what your triggers are. Also, it just. It's. It's sad, isn't it? Yeah, I can't do. And onions are a real trigger for that, I think. Onions and garlic, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it sucks, man. What was the final thing that made you go to the doctors? I've got to sort this problem out this side of that. But you didn't know it's a reflex at the time. Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows, and so I went to the. And then that. Yeah, I went to an ent. Doctor. And he put the camera down my nose. Oh, no. I saw my vocal cords. Saw my. Saw my throat. That was pretty freaky. Do you put a camera down your nose? Yeah. Really good question, because I guess you go back and down and down, back and down to the throat, but you go. Do you go up and back and down, Down. It's up and back and down. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. He did say that he was doing it. He's like, this is something that we don't have here. But, like, I. You know about through watching American TV shows or films, is kids with their lemonade stands. Yeah, that's a real thing. I've never seen it. Yeah, it's a real thing. I see it all the time. You think any of them would attempt lavender lemonade? Ideally not with volume vodka? No, I don't. I don't. I mean, listen, at the lemonade stands, we'd be lucky to just get a decent glass of lemonade. Listen, lemonade itself, really think about this. Yes. Lemonade itself is really an art form. Good lemonade. Yeah. With that nice balance of lemon water and sugar, because it's easy to mess up. It's like, most of the time, lemonade is too tardy. Like, when I order lemonade, I'm scared to order lemonade in restaurants because I'm like, this is gonna be crap. It's either gonna be watered down, you know, or it's gonna be too tardy. It's not gonna have enough sugar. Well, here, I mean, I think I only heard about lemonade in the American sense, like, a lot later in life. Because here, growing up, lemonade would mean, like, sprite or 7Up, right? Sure. Lemonade in a restaurant. You're getting fizzy. You're getting fizzy. Yeah, got it. But that proper homemade lemonade lemonade, which is so good, is it Sprite or 7Up for you guys? I'll go 7Up. I think I'd go Sprite. This is why we work well as hosts. Yeah, Yeah, I think. I think I'm 7up, too. I think 7up is a tad sweeter, I think. Yeah. I think with a bit of okra. I would bet there's less bubbles in a dream. For sure. Listen, I'll take vodka in any damn thing. Yeah, yeah. It's my favorite. I love vodka. If I may just roll back to the lemonade lemonade stands. If you're walking down the street, how good would a kid's lemonade stand have to be for you to accept that they might be able to do lavender Lemonade. There's a little kid. Yeah. And they've got all that. They've got a load of lavender. And they've got all the other stuff for lemonade. And they're like, Jennifer Smith, Would you like a lavender lemon? How good does the setup have to be? What. What are you looking for? And they're calling by her full name. They call you by your full name. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. If I go to a lemonade stand and they're like, Jada Pinkett Smith, first for a kid to even know who the hell I am. Okay. Because most of the time it'll be Jaden's mom, Willow's mom. And they even know anything about a lavender lemonade. They won. I'm like, run it. I don't even care what it tastes like. Run that. Lavender lemonade. The fact that you even know that. A lavender lemonade. Exactly. And you know my full name. You win. James, obviously loved the idea of you sat in the car waiting for the chips, thinking about what it would. What it would be like to be in love. Yeah. Yeah. Think about what it would be like to be in love. That song is the first time I really. It just from that song, I thought being in love is just going to be so, you know, epic. It's going to be amazing. Also, I remember the music video for that song, so. I remember it was number one for ages. Yeah. I think it was 16 weeks. Yeah. So he wasn't turning up every week to perform it on Top of the Pop. So, like, they would just show the video. Yeah, you're so right. But I hadn't seen that film. I just remember that. That, like. Was it Flaming Arrow? Yeah. Do you know what knocked it off? Because, you know, you know, like, music. I don't know with that one, actually. Yeah. It might have been like, is it wet, wet, wet? See, I'm just blurming all that era and stuff in together because. Yeah, I mean. I mean, Think Twice by Celine Dion wouldn't have been long after that. But maybe that didn't make me think about love. No, I mean, think about thinking twice. The shoot song. Maybe one of the original number ones. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they would record the live performance on Top of the Pops and then just play that in, wouldn't it? Yeah, they would. Yeah. Remember the one they were in a few weeks ago? But, like, so lazy. Yeah. But if you're Adams, like. And I'd say by the time it gets to five weeks at number one, if you're having to go into Top of the pops every time like that. Yeah. I nearly. I went to South Korea recently. This is related. Yeah, Promise. With a vegan and Tim Key and I. The third diet. Is this a different vegan than the worm meal? No, it's like same vegan. I'm in a throuple with Tim Kee and vegan is what I'm saying. We're really happy. And I went to South Korea and Brian Adams was. Was playing and we nearly thought, oh, let's just go in before. Funny. Yeah. We were looking for K pop and we found Brian Adams. Brian Adams. That story doesn't go anywhere. I would have thought if you went to see Brian Adams, that would transport you back to thinking, what would it be like to be in love? I'd be there with my throttle. Yeah. And it's twice. Twice the fun. You too. Not. Not the fly that. I blanked it out. I remember sitting in my car wondering what it would be like to be a fly. Well, I told you flies. I've literally, during this chat, looked down and realized that my flies are completely undone. At least you've got something on. They are currently. And I didn't want to do them up again. I'm gonna check mine, but, like, my tits are hanging out. The whole thing. Yeah. Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens. The only clips we'll put out from this point. Okay. Honestly, I'm fine with that. I could do with an image change. I'm absolutely fine with that. You heard about Katie? She's had an image change. What's she doing? She gets her tits out on podcasts and leaves them out. So. Because, I mean, excuse me. I don't know what eggs are in what bread, you know. No, I never thought about it. I don't know what sourdough. Traditionally safe, you know, like a pretty. You know, I wouldn't just start, you know, freestyling sourdough. If they put it down. I'd still ask, but almost always. It's going to be safe. Yeah. You know, there's a couple of breads that are pretty. Pretty safe. But. But I kind of steer clear of bread just because you never know when someone's going to be fancy and brush some egg on top. Sure. So it looks good or something like that. So what are the danger breads? What are the breads where you see them. And I'm going nowhere near. Challah. Challah, Big, huge, you know, brioche. These are like egg laden breads. These are like mostly eggs, you know, and they're yeah. They have that glaze on them. They're very super dangerous. And restaurants are obsessed with brioche as well. They love it. Yeah. And heartbreakingly, a bunch of years ago, everybody was like, oh, for hamburgers now, brioche buns. Yeah, yeah. No, more like regular old buns that anybody can eat. Like you, Jason. Manzoukas. No. Brioche, Fancy buns. Everything's egg. Every, every. Every. At a certain point, it become. Everything had eggs in it. Even been like. That was the big. That was the absolutely devastating thing about, like, the mixology craze was that suddenly there was egg foam in cocktails. Yeah. And like, that was like. So that was really wild to wrap my head around, because why would you ever think that that would be a source of danger, like a cocktail? Like, I went on a date once with a woman to, like, a. Just a bar, no food. We had drinks. It was lovely. We kissed good night. And I was like, I have to go to the hospital. But I was so confused. I was like, I'm having an aller, but I haven't eaten anything. And she was like, well, what are you allergic to? And I was like, eggs. She was like, oh, no, my drink had eggs in it. And I was like, why? I was like, why would you do that? That's disgusting. First of all, why would you order a drink that has egg foam in it? That sounds rancid in every way. Hang on. So she had an eggy drink. Yeah. You kissed her good night. Correct. And then you had to go to the hospital. Correct. So you kissed. You kissed the lady, and then you said, I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I had to stop. Kiss. Stop. The. The. This was a successful day. Yeah. Yeah. You know how hard it is to get to the point where I'm like, this has gone well. This is well enough that we are now, kid. Did the classic Los Angeles. Let me walk you to your car. Yeah. We are kissing at the car. This is going great. And then suddenly I'm like, I guess I have to leave and go to the emergency room. This is awful. Or take an EpiPen. Goodbye. Yeah. And she. She was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, why? You didn't know. Why would you. You did nothing wrong. Except chef shoes. And I. What sounds to me like a disgusting drink. And were you dressed as Darth Vader or. Yes, I was dressed as Emperor Palpatine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he's had an allergic. To be fair, to him. He does. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That guy hates it. Yeah. You should have said, I've got to go to the emergency room because you're too good at kissing. Yes. Oh, by the way, well done. Yeah, thanks. She could tell everyone that forever. Now she can be like, I once kissed a guy so good he went to the emergency room. Yeah. Have you. Sorry, I'm going to go off on a tangent now because you said gingerbread and gingerbread is maybe my favorite thing. Have you ever had. Have you ever. Have you ever been to Cumbria? Yeah. Yeah, Right. Are you aware that William Wordsworth's sister invented a patented type of Cumbrian gingerbread that you can still only buy from this one bakery in Cumbria? I tell you what, in Grasmere, I've never known. I was in my cupboard at home. Isn't it unreal? It's good stuff. I ordered two boxes of it for. Because we just did a week of rehearsals because we're going on tour next in, like a couple days. I ordered two boxes of it to satiate the crew and the band. And just every so often when someone looked like they were going to kill each other, I would just, like, force feed them some. Grab some of your gingerbread. And they're like, that's so delicious. I was like, yeah, I know. It is distraction tactic, but also the nicest I've ever had my life. I did not. I did not know this. It's really good. It's really, really good. Do you know as well she sells. She. He's dead. It's Sarah Nelson. She's long gone. May she rest in peace. They sell because it's covered in this, like, crumbly bread. Crumb. Gingerbread, breadcrumb thing. They sell big bags of just those crumbs for three pounds. So you can make it in like a cheesecake. Wow. Do you know, like, you can make a cheesecake with that or you can sprinkle on top of other things or just. Unreal. It's only £3 straight in the mouth. Right. No one's made anything. Cheesecake. No. I would be shoveling straight into my mouth. Yeah. It's great stuff. This is just. This is about crumbs. You'll love this story. So I'm not sure I've told it on the podcast before. I don't remember a crumb story. My wife told me the other day that when she was a little kid at nursery and primary school, that if it was someone's birthday, that a cake would get brought in. And rather than just everyone getting A slice. The teacher would make it into crumbs and then make all the kids sit there with their mouths open like that and then drop the crumbs into their mouth. And it was called birdie crumbs. I do love that. Of course. I love that. Yeah. That is really disturbing. It's pretty disturbing when you think about it, isn't it? Yeah. Was there other adults around? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it's like all the kids are lined up with their mouths open and then birdie crumbs. I definitely don't think any teacher would do that now, even though it's not technically. No, there's nothing out of order. I think you would still be like, I feel like I'm pushing some sort of boundary here. I'm wondering if they've like, you know, gotten, you know, like. Like when you, when you pull meat and you, like shred it with for it, Right. Say they get the cake, they shred it up and then they like get a spoon and spoon it onto individual plates and then the kids do the birdie crumbs themselves. But you're telling me that an adult human went along the line, makes children stand in a line. Yeah, yeah. And feed them birdie crumbs. Yeah, that's the best. Chew it and then spit it into their mouths like a bird. Like, what's going on? Yeah, yeah. Pretty weird. Yeah. Like starlings. Ace Ventura does that. Yeah, Ace Ventura does it in the second film. That film hasn't aged well. No, it's really bad. Neither of them have aged well? No, both. Both of them got some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty bad. Jim Carrey hasn't aged well in general, like, not physically. He looks fabulous. Jim, you look great. We've had an unusual amount of cannibalism talk on the podcast this year. Yes, I guess we have. This is Sebastian, Stan Olakuck, Natalie Cassidy and Ella Purnell. Well, you are what you eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you were in one film in Fresh. You were what you ate. You were eating humans. That's right. Yeah. Remember that? Yes. That was wild. I do, yeah. A lot of James's questions to actors are to. To say a film and then go, do you remember that? Which we're assuming you do. Actually. Not all actors we've had on do remember that. Yeah, I do. I mean, that was. That was a lot of fun. Well, the same when you're. You're preparing it all. It actually, Jack genuinely looks quite delicious for a second there, which is worrying. Well, there was a chef on set who was preparing things right on the. On the dot. But it's interesting when something gets passed and you label it a certain way because then you're looking at it differently and kind of looking for things in the. In the meatballs, you know. But that movie, it's funny, I. I hear a lot about that movie. People still kind of come up and ask me about it and I never, I never, I never knew how it was going to. It was going to do. I think, I think because it messes with your head a bit, that film, because it does make you. You're a very charismatic cannibal killer. And you do make the food look pretty delicious. It does get in the audience's heads more than if you were just like some crazed monster who we were terrified of. You kind of go, oh, maybe I want to be a cannibal, actually, because Sebastian Stan made it look quite nice. Do you. How do you guys feel about European soda? Like a. Like an Orangina. Yeah, love Orangina. I mean, that's just. There's a real nostalgia for orangeina, though. And the bottle's the shape of an orange. You can't with that. It's good. It's good stuff. Again, sophisticated bottle. Yeah, really sophisticated, affordable luxury. We're back at it. Yeah. That to me is like holidays when I'm a kid. Like being. Being around a swimming pool or something, having an Orangina, a cold Orangina baby. I wouldn't like the bits in it. No, I think that makes it. That gives the. The illusion of health, which I enjoy. Oh, that's. That's good. Yeah, I guess. Of course you didn't like bits when you're. Of course, you're one of those kids, little pale kid who didn't eat bits. No, I had to eat bits all the time. Get made to eat bits. Yeah. Because it would be a healthy boy. My mum got us yogurts with bits in it and like fruit juice with bits. I was like, I don't like bits. She's like, well, bad luck. Were you a crust soft kid as well? Oh, wish. There's no way, no way I could have got away with that. I had to have the crusts smooth peanut butter. No crunchy peanut butter every time. Even though I would have preferred smooth. Yeah, of course you would have preferred smooth. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, this is. It was just like my goddamn life, man. And I hated bits when I was an adult. I was like, I'm never doing bits again. And I haven't. Have you not? I will not do fruit juice with bits. Like a fresh. Like a fresh orange juice. Look, I will grin and bear it, but I don't want it to feel like it's. It feels like someone's emptied a bag of pencil shavings in my goddamn drink. I hate it. This is bizarre, man. What? But you've got to go bits, right? There'll be people saluting their texture to this. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't like that yogurt. I can hack the bits a little bit more, but I. I don't like it when there's, like, the pulpy strawberry. Horrible. Like. Like someone. So you're in German. Just purely flavor. You're not a texture guy. I love texture in the right, you know, good texture. Those aren't good textures. Those aren't good textures. Bubble tea. I actually haven't done bubble tea, but I, I. Which I can't believe I've not done bubble tea yet. I've not drunk bubble tea, but I would like that. The tapioca pearls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. That's bits, though, man. Yeah, yeah, but they're like, fun bits, and they're not. They're not like. They're not bits that feel like waste product. Yeah, the strawberry pulpy stuff is like. It's like. What strawberry pulpy stuff? Are you talking about smoothies or. Okay, yogurt. When you get. When you get yogurt got bits of strawberries in it. Just. Just like. Do you mean a compot? No, no, that's different. I love that. But, like, I mean, when. When. When it's all mixed together already and you just open it and there's like, pips in there knocking around. Yeah. And, like. And bits of pulpy strawberry. That's like. It feels like someone's like. Like someone's skin. I think this is more revealing than you realize it. Yeah, that's a huge leap. No, no, no. Speak more on that. It's just like, Like. Yeah. Like bits of people. Maybe that's in my head because I watched the sight of the snow last night and they. They each other in that, right? Yeah, I think so. Oh, is that the one with the. With the. The team that gets strained in the mountains? Yeah. Great film. But they don't put each other in yoghurt, do they? Well, kind of. They put each other in ice and eat the ice to help it go down. So I guess if there was yogurt available, they would have. Actually, they probably wouldn't have eaten each other. There was yogurt available. Yeah, We've got enough yogurt to last. Last us six months. All right. We're gonna have to start eating each other and putting it in the. Oh, yeah, Hang on, hang on. Terry saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw mistake Blue. Was he a bear? No, Jesse Plemons. And. And then his wife comes back. She's been away for ages, and he doesn't trust that it's his wife, so he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him and she does it. And it's. If your partner. If you were away for a bit. Yeah. And you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you. Cut off your finger. Sorry. Why does it work? What's happened with the character? Can we wind back a bit? I've still not seen this film, so you really don't understand. Yeah. This happens. Why doesn't he believe. What, is he locked in a room? Is he blind? Doesn't believe it's her. She's acting weird. She's acting different. She's eating chocolate cake. She never used to eat chocolate. Right. Shoes don't fit her anymore. It's a weird film, though, isn't it? Sounds it a bit weird. Weirder than eastenders, like, less realistic. Okay. Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders? Not that I know of. You got to do that. You got to do it. You could come in and do that, James. Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts doing like, as a. I'm saying you're weird. No, no, he is. Hey, listen, I'll gladly play a cannibal in EastEnders. Yeah. Who would you eat? Who wouldn't I eat my. More like. You could eat Sonia. Well, listen, yeah, Sonia. First ago cv. That would. That would be for you, James. Already. Already full of garlic. Yeah. Delicious. Coming out the paws. Filled with mayo. Yeah. Yeah, love that. I'd be quite good, I think, to eat. Who else is still knocking around in the square? People that you might know because Ian Beale's still there. Yeah, Bailey's there. He's. He's got. Yeah. Are you having a. You having a chunk of wood yet? Yes, I love wood. Yeah. Maybe that'll just be. I just eat Ian Beal because I think, like, long, longest serving cast member. Yeah, very much so. One of. Yeah, I mean, it's a good. I think. I think. What. What an ending. Yeah. For his character. Yeah. I'd at least give it a go. Try it And I think that, you know, maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism. But a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beal, he has a. You get a lot of people watching that. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Just from the listeners of this, to be fair. Yeah. If I've got him in a big cauldron in a pot and he's. He's like bound at the ankles and wrists phrase that he says, he'd be going around in the cauldron, he'd be going, I've got nothing left. Yeah, yeah, nothing left. Yeah. I'm like, keep on crying, Bill. It just seasons the pot. I'm not sure. I'm not sure EastEnders is ready for a cannon for a cannibal, actually. Yeah, no, I'm not sure either. Just maybe purely because it's on at half seven. Yeah. I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannon cannibal and they suspect someone of being a cannibal. It could be like a bit of a comedy storyline because, like their wife. Their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like, oh, he's eating her or something. Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm eating people. Yeah. Because there's just different stuff that I'm doing. I think you should stick to what, you know, boys, because. Yeah, I think the storyliners at work are probably okay. They're okay. Well, take that to them anyway. I will let them know. Let them know that the off menu boys have got an idea. Yeah. They should be accountable, excited. Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square. Yeah. Hey, this was exciting. In my house many years ago. I had the same dressing gown of Sonia. Excuse me? I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia. That was exciting. That was big news in our house. What color was it? It was like had pattern. It was quite patterned. I'm trying to think. Yeah, it was like, why did you have a females? I'd say it was a unit. It was a unisex. It was a unisex dress. Dressing gown. Yeah. It was probably around the. The same time as the trumpet came in. Oh. So probably looking maybe 95. How old are you, Ed? I'm 38. Are you really? Yeah, yeah, I'm 41. So, yeah. This is probably when I was 9 or 10, maybe. Yeah. So I would have been maybe 13, 14. So you would have been. Same dressing gown. Wow. Mad, isn't it? It's incredible. I was planning to bring that. We haven't got a visual of this picture of it. I'm sure. I'll ask my mum. I'm sure. Google Sonia 13 dressing gown. Be careful. I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally, so I just said it off the back of the Cannibal Chat. I think it works perfectly. Yeah. Happy with that. Yeah. We haven't even talked about you and all your mates eating each other on the island. This is a food podcast. Seeing as we just talked about a bunch of school kids going to Adventure island, we might to just. Yeah, yeah, clarify that. That's not what you're referring to. Question mark. No, I'm not referring to that. I'm referring to you and your friends. Yellow Jackets. Yes. Yes. The TV show say. I'd say lead with Yellowjackets. TV show. Acting very in the headline there. Yeah, yeah. They all ate each other. You and all your friends ate each other on an island. We've never had Adventure Island. When you took all your friends to Adventure island, you gave them the donuts and then you ate them all. Yeah. You ate them all. Only one child returned back to London that day. And happy birthday, me. Yeah. Yellow jacket. That's messed up. That is really. We never had anyone on the podcast before who's been that heavily involved in cannibalism. And this is a food podcast. I know. It's. It's a bit of a thing. I'm gonna get a reputation because it's. It's. It's happened in two. Two shows. I've done that one. And Fallout. Yeah. People. People are starting to talk. Yeah. It's not good, but it's always in a situation where it gets a bit desperate. Right. I'd hope so. It's never like. You've never been in a show where you're like, oh, I'm hungry. I'll just eat a. No. Well, in Fallout Out, I don't. I don't eat anyone. But the ghoul does eat. Yeah. Other ghouls. Sometimes humans, I think. Actually, I don't think he does eat humans. He makes. He makes ass jerky. Yeah. Out of another ghoul's bum. Yeah. Obviously. Would make it out of his elbow, would he, silly? Well, if you don't know your ass from your elbow. Wow. Best in the biz. He's the best in the biz. Quick question before we go, then. Okay. You've got to eat another actor who you've worked with in the Past. Yeah. Just who's it gonna be? It has to be someone you've worked with. That's a really good question because are you gonna go for like, what are the circumstances? What's the circumstances? I've got to eat them because I'm desperate because I'm very, very hungry. Or you're, you've got a gun to my head and you're like, you've got to eat them now. But I'm not that hungry. How hungry am I? You're very, very hungry. I'm very, very hungry. Am I starving? Am I on like, it's a yellow jacket situation? Yeah. So I want someone with like big muscles. Right? Because then that's like more protein probably. Yeah. Right, yeah. Who's the most muscular actor I've worked with? The guy that I threw up on was pretty muscly. He's not an actor that I work with. I mean, yeah, here's someone that I, that I know that that's, that's got muscles. I'd probably eat him. Or Aaron. Aaron from Fallout. He's been working out a bit lately. Yeah, yeah, I'll eat him. What's his surname? Moten. Aaron Moten. Aaron Moten. You getting eaten? The holidays are all about sharing with family meals, couches, stories, Grandma's secret pecan pie recipe. And now you can also share a cart. With Instacart's family carts, everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are. So you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yam or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart and then share the meals and the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two year contracts, they said, what the are you talking about? You insane Hollywood. So to recap, we're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try@mintmobile.com switch. $45 upfront payment, equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees, Extra speed slower above 40GB. Now, part one had a toilet humor section part two has a filth section, apparently. What are we doing with our lives? You can't write that down and make me say it. He's just written what are we doing with our lives? He hasn't even put a question mark at the end of it. What are we doing with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? He's just written that and he's letting us. That's it. We've gotta come out and act like we're ashamed of our filth and toilet humor. You are. I love love it. I'm not ashamed of the filth and toy. I'm ashamed of the podcast as a whole. I think it's pathetic. Let's hear unbridled muck from Sarah. Sarah Barrett. Hammered anima sha. Sebastian. Stan, Phil Dunster, Olga Cox. Sarah Baron. Hammered anima sha again. Dirty boy. Sebastian Stan again. Phil Dunster again. Didn't know Sebastian Stan was so dirty. That wasn't my. All I remember is that he loves pranks. So basically I went from playing with dolls to. There is so much fear in the eyes of the three men at the table. Six eyes of fear. I went into diary writing. Yes. Okay. And then diary writing as I matured, turned into erotic diary writing. Wow. That was clearly me having some kind of exploration. Yes. Of the issues that we all confront. And have you ever been more like. Have you ever been less physically comfortable than you are right now? Oh, no, I'm fine. Are you fine? I want to hear some details of these diaries. Okay, then. Thank you so much. I will tell them. Yeah. So my. It's. It's essentially what it is is it's like pornography written by a child. Yes. I'm slightly more uncomfortable now if you want me to keep a tally on it. Yeah. Okay. I understand how that sort of ratcheted it up for you, but stay with me here. It's not the word child. It's the wor. A child in pornography no one loves. I prefer the way around. You said. What did I say? You said pornography written by a child. Written by a child. That's the way around. I want those words to be. They have to be said near each other. Not a problem. Thank you. Thank you for the guidance. Yes, thank you for the guidance. So because. And also, if it makes you guys feel more comfortable, the characters in my head as I was writing them, like they were like 18, right. Okay. So I'm like 12. And my characters whose story I'm writing are like 18. The protagonist is 18. The protagonist, Jenny. Because for a second, I Thought you were saying the other characters were 18. Because that would make me feel way worse. No, no, this is from the mind of a child. But you've. You're talking about. But she's thinking to her right, like, the coolest people, if you're 12, is like an eight. Like a 17 year old. Are you kidding? When, like you're 12, let's say 18. You want 18 out of. I get it. I get it. Okay. So my spelling is bad, but I'm using proper language because that was how I was raised. Yes. Proper language. Yes. So repeatedly I make mention of boobs, but I spell it bobs. Repeatedly, I use the word penis, but I spell it pinus. So it'll be like I took my bobs and I'll put them on his pinus. Like, very, very, very strange. Yeah. And then I didn' and like, there was. If you guys want to avoid eye contact in this next part, that's like completely. I'm looking right at you. Yeah, you're looking. It's so. There's like so much empathy in what you're doing in a way. Cause you're like, I really want to carry her through this. But also I want to make sure you keep talking about it because I am finding it very funny. Okay. Okay, that's good. So. And like, weird shit happens. And like, so I had the thing. I don't even think it was a sexual thing. I just think it was like an interest in Michael Bolton. Was he a thing over here? So wait, Ed, listen to me. Ed, Ed, Ed. You could. Couldn't have sex unless some song from the album Time, Love and Tenderness was playing. So a consistent feature is like, hold on. Yeah, I've got to put on. I gotta. I gotta go put on some Michael Bolton. Yeah. And you always had to have champagne. Yes. You could not have sexual intercourse. Yeah. Without like a champagne. That was sort of how you began. And then once everyone was done, was like, yeah. And then I didn't. Was Jenny having sex every day? Yeah, she had sex multiple times a day. Every day. And she'd go to, like, a car and she'd like, you know. Yeah, yeah, she'd do it in a car. There'd have to be champagne in the car, right? There's champagne and Michael Bolton. It's like. It's just there. Yeah, yeah. She'd go to like a party and be like, hey. Like, hey. Yeah, you feel like doing it tonight? Oh, wow. Yeah. I'd be like, hey, you feel like doing it tonight? And then the guy be like, yeah, I can do it tonight. And then they'd, like, go into a room at, like, wherever the house party was, and. And he'd be like, would you like a glass of champagne? And then you do it. Yeah. And I get his pinus out. I get his pinus out. But interestingly about his pinus is. I didn't understand. I thought the reverse about erections. Well, you thought they were hard all the time and they went soft for sex. Not quite. Although, basically, when I hear someone else say it back to me, it's so much better. It was that I thought if an erection went on too long, you had to stop. It was like. Like calm that pinus down. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta soften that pinus for this to continue. And then the grand. The grand finale was. I didn't understand, like, certainly for women, the idea of orgasms were very, very unclear. Yeah. I mean, good. Yeah. Thank God. Right, right. And I would. We're doing good. Well, I just. I would be more worried if Sarah, when she was 12, was writing with a full knowledge of all sexual intercourse. Well, I don't know. I mean, a lot of women would say that those kind of things need to be taught about more from an earlier age, I would agree. But I wasn't the one to carry that weight. I couldn't be educating my nurses. Let's work on the spelling before we get into the. I think if you can't spell penis, you shouldn't be allowed to see one or touch one. Sure, sure, sure. Nobody's going near my punishment. I just. I feel the need to say I don't. Like, I don't. I think where this came from was a complete lack of exposure to anything real. Yeah. Like, I don't think I saw a piece of actual pornography until I was like, 20. I mean, really remedial shit. Well, you didn't need it. You were. No. Look at this brain, boys. Look at this big brain. This sexy brain. Yeah, so. So there'd be like, talk about mounting feelings. But then I didn't understand what would happen. And so the characters would just piss all over each other. Like, oh, and then his pin is something. And I peed on him. Wow. I feel we've really opened with one of the most arguably. Oh, did you not see the pee pee coming? No, ramp up to it. There was no disclaimers. Yeah, it was just straight into. They peed all over each other. That it was like. And then there was a lot of Feelings. So when. When Jenny was doing it with someone. Yeah. You go to the house party, you go to a room, champagne, Michael Bolton, and they'd look at each other and then just both urinate on each other's throat. No, it would be like. They'd be. It would. I said humping a lot. It'd be like humping, Humping. Humping. Yes. So my dream start would be chili salted corn ribs. Oh, yeah, lovely. Love corn ribs. When did corn ribs first come into your life, mate? I tried it a couple years ago with my wife. Went out for dinner and they. We saw it on the menu, corn ribs. And we were like, corn ribs. When did that ever come into. How's that a thing? Yeah, let's give it a go. May we? Yeah. It's so good. Delicious. They're incredible. I think I. I might have had them for the first time. There's a restaurant called Fallow in. In London and had them there. And then I think they suddenly. They're everywhere as well. Like, I think they started doing them at like, wahacka or something as well. But, yeah, you've tried to make them, right? I made them loads. Yeah. I love making them. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't want to have to chop up a cob. Chopping up the cob is hard. Yeah, Admit. Yeah. But, yeah, I've got a good technique now of how to do it. Yeah. I get through them a lot quicker the first time. Anyone listening? If you're planning on chopping up some cobs the first time, you might just be careful because it's very easy to just like end up with a knife in yourself, in your belly, really, because that's like chopping board height. And then when the. When the cob disappears from underneath the knife. Yeah. So just. Just take it slow. But now I'm all over that. It's great. And then. And. And you make them really quickly. Toss them in a bowl with all the. Whatever you want. Chili salt in this case. Yeah, delicious. Love it. So good. So good. And you can pretend like. What, What? When it says corn ribs, what creature do you imagine the ribs have come from? I'm imagining Jolly Green Giant. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's quite small. Ribs for the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah, he's got a lot of them. Oh, is that what you imagine you're eating? Yeah, yeah. Jolly Green Giant's ribs. Caught him and killed him. Yeah. Meat in his ribs. Now do you imagine that they're from a creature? No, I've never thought of it that way. No way. It's weird, actually. Well, yeah, it's. The only creature I can think of who would have sweet corn ribs is the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah, that's true, actually. Yeah, I hear that. I think he would definitely have sweet corn ribs and maybe a cornless cob as a penis. A cornless cob? Yeah. So all the corn would be off of it. Yeah. I can't imagine him having a corny penis. A corn on the cob penis, but I can't imagine him just having a. A cop penis. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if he had a corner of Copy and you probably have to see someone. Yeah, yeah, he would. Nobody wants a corny penis. No one wants that. No. Because no one's penis is made out the same thing as their ribs are. Yeah, that would be mad. That'd be crazy. Yeah. If your ribs and your penis are the same, then see a doctor. That's actually a very important message for anyone listening. I heard that the Jolly Green Giants had one of his corn ribs taken out so he can suck himself off. That's why there's no corn on the cob. He had to go around it sideways, though. He knows what he likes. You usually get put with Anthony Mackie junkets when it's like Marvel stuff. So you two have to sit. I do the interviews together. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that happened because about six or seven years ago, because I. I was so bad at junkets. I was always so quiet that they're like, we need to give him the loudest man on the planet to revive him. And he. And he does. I mean, Anthony is just so. You guys would have such a blast with him on the. On the show. Like, he. He's. He's big time. I see him in an interviews. Is he got a boat or something or is that just in the show that you guys did? No, no, no. I think that was just in Falcon, the Winter Soldier. He has a boat. I think he has a boat. He also goes fishing. He goes hunting. Yeah. He's been trying to get me down there to go hunting with him for a long time. I'm like, Anthony, I don't. Can you imagine me with a rifle down there in the backwoods of New Orleans? I mean, but it would be fun. I think we should. I would do that with him in filming because it just would be ridiculous, you know, in a good way. Oh, people would watch a whole series of you two going hunting together. Yeah. Into the wild. But he loves that thing. Like, you know, he'd be the one to on that. There's those shows, you know, that, that take actors and put them on a mountain and then they have to kind of like, oh, yeah, survive. Yeah. That wouldn't be me. That wouldn't be you. No. How long do you think you could survive on a mountain? What's he got with it? What have they given him? Good question. I don't think it's. I'm not thinking of that show Naked and Afraid. You know that show? Yeah, that's his one that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got more than that. I'm imagining like you've got some water. Yeah. I mean, he's not the sign up to Naked and Afraid, is he? Sebastian. Instant Naked and Afraid. Just the one way to go out, like. Yeah. The last hurrah. Return to innocence. Yeah. Yeah. Quite a good end to the career. I don't know who, why anyone agrees to that show, to be fair. No, it's fascinating, isn't it? Like, I, I don't know either, but. But there are people that do really well on it. Yeah. I mean, somebody's cut out for it, but I just think no matter how well you do, you do on it, you're still butt naked on TV the whole time and you've got to carry around the mic in a little bag and it looks really undignified. There's no winners. Have you seen Naked Attraction? Have you seen that? Yeah, I have seen. We were just talking about it. Were you just, just talking about it? We were, yes. Because we're talking about wild shows here. And that one, that's hilarious, isn't it? It's like, it's, it's really like a car accident. You're just constantly enamored. Yeah. Just the way that, the way the thing slides up and then from the feet to the middle is the. Some of the worst moments on TV I've ever seen, I think. Imagine being behind that screen. Like, I wonder. It's got above your dick. Yeah. I'm just thinking, I actually hope that I get eliminated now because. Yeah, I'd like them not to see my face and for this to go on tv. Yeah, you know, that's right. At that point I'll be like, I'm happy going home with this. Yeah. But they've got to be. I mean, I wonder what the submission process for that is. You know, what are the questions that they, that they ask or, you know. Yeah, I think they just send through a photo at full length naked photo. But this producer looks at it on really slow Internet so it loads up from the bottom. So they can imagine. They can imagine the reveal. It'll be like. Sometimes I pretend to be on negative track. I've got electronic blinds. That's amazing. Flat that goes into a courtyard at a certain place. Yeah, yeah. So who's. Who's judge? Who's judging you on the postie. You know, postman and various people. Well, one of the most common problems is the blokes who go on it. Very afraid of, you know, looking small on tv. Trying to make it look as impressive as possible before going on. But then there's a very fine line. Yes. Where if they. If they just get all the way boner, they gotta go home. Yeah. It's like, you can't. We can't put that on tv. Right, right, right. So they're like, I've got to make it as impressive as possible without getting too impressive. Yeah. But that would be even so. Sorry about this. It'd be so psychotic, wouldn't it? Like, you're like your brain just trying to figure out how. Where to send blood to begin with. And it's like you're just like, there now there's a million people that are on the other side just waiting. And it's. Apparently the studio is freezing cold as well. Yeah. Yeah. So they're battling against the island. Not helping. Yeah. Is anyone doing anything particularly interesting with the poppadoms? Are they doing cheesy garlic poppadoms? I think we've had cheese on them. Melted cheese. Poppadom sandwich before. Yeah, we have. Someone chose that because then I promised that I'd eat one in the bath for some reason. Yeah. And then he still hasn't done it. And by the way, in the episode where he promised he would do that, absolutely adamant he was gonna do it, like, fully, me saying, you're not gonna do that. Him being like, I absolutely guarantee you that I will. As soon as the episode went out and people were asking for. He went on, I'm doing that. No way. Yeah, yeah. As if I do that. Why would I do that? Yeah. That's a comic relief. Yeah. That's like baked beans. Better bath of baked beans. Yeah. Classic. What was it? Eating a poppy Dom in the bath. Eating a poppadom cheese sandwich in the bath. Okay. Yeah. It was. Certainly was going to do it. I mean, if Comic relief get hold of you and ask you to do it, you do it. I just don't think it would make a lot of money for them, really. I disagree. Well, if they're asking you, they know their stuff. Both the Beans. I get it. It's like, like, oh, gross. I'm sat in a bath of beans. I understand why that was a thing. Yeah. But just someone having a normal bath, eating something. To be honest, I think Comic Relief would get more people to donate if they said, is this celebrity having a normal bath? I think a lot of people be like, great, great. Yeah. Gabble's dick. My dick. I don't bath with my dick out. The bath. Well, you'd be naked with the bar. I mean, my filming it. You think water. Yeah. Yeah, but I might have bubbles in it and I might be shooting. I'm not shooting. I'm not getting a drone and shooting it from above. It's not up to you. Comic Relief of filming and they don't want to do it. I'm out. They know what's going to get people donating money. Is that gambling? The bath. It's a drone shot. He's naked. There's his dick. There's a stick, but with a poppadom. A cheesy popper Dom over it. Yeah. Like. Like a fig leaf of Adam slash Eve. Yeah. So you can. I'm eating it, though. So as I take a bite, am I revealing more and more of my dick? Y. It's. It's a. It's a you. You pay to stay situation. The more you pay, you can see more of your dick from under the papa Dom. Very generous mime there, Phil. Yeah, good. Good stuff. All right, well, if Common Relief get in contact, I'll speak to them. Yeah, yeah, you should speak to them. I think that's good. I think you get a lot of people donating when they realize that actually the beans were doing them more harm than good for getting people to chip in or failing that, just do on Only fans. Yeah. I was going to say, I don't think Comment really want to make that sort of leap into only fans content, particularly, do they? Well, they've got. They've got to decide just how much they want to help people. Like, who cares about dignity at that point? It's raising the money. Comment Relief. We've got to stop worrying about their brand. Who gives a. The people worse off in the world get Campbell's dick on the telly. On the telly. I thought this was online content. Well, hold on a minute. All night. Okay, so I'm on later. I'm not like. I'm not like, 7pm Lenny Henry's like, welcome to Comment Relief. Let's have a look at this guy's dick. No, this is a Late night one. This is where like you know, one of the more edgy comics has hosted it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then. And then go to you in the bath and bear in mind, Ed, it's under the water. They're not going to get a good idea of the size because it's like magnification. Yeah. But you can never tell with magnification. Sometimes it might do the opposite. Oh you reckon? Yeah, just get more excuses in early. Yeah, I've got a haunted house dick. Also you got to make sure that you sit, don't like sit too low in the bath so it floats up and it's like you don't want your boy bobbing up and down peeking out the surface. I think I do like, like Nessie. Make it float like Nessie. But that requires. If that requires up and down. Nessie three. Yeah, yeah. He's really boast. If you've got a nest. Yeah. That's incredible. I was right. You should get that. Yeah, that's incredible. It is a bit like Nessie and that only very few people have seen it and they're all mad. The most delicious. Now that I've been eating meat for like a year now, the most delicious has to be the lamb at Alf in Whitechapel, which is a Somali restaurant. And it like, it's lamb that falls apart. It's one of the most delicious things. It's. There's not much there on the plate other than the meat. Cuz the meat speaks for itself because like it's lamb that's been cooked for ages and it's, it's melt in your mouth. It's absolutely delicious. But apart from the fact that it is one of the most delicious dishes I've ever had, I realized that like it had that ratatouille reminded me of childhood moment because my grandmother was raised in Kazakhstan. Oh my God. And in Kazakhstan they make something called bak. Another bloody country thrown in such a global family. Its entire family tree is one street in Wimbledon. So like island actually. Yeah, yeah. So she used to cook a dish called. Which is like local to Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan. And it is that like fall apart lamb with some egg noodles in it and some raw onion. It's the most delicious thing you'll ever like. It's just meat at its purest form. We're not, we're not talking seasoning, we're not talking marinade. It's like it's the fattiest lamb you've ever eaten in your life. Wow. And it's. And it's. Gonna blow your mind heaven. But also she was. Sorry, I'll stop. Do. You could interrupt me at any point because I, I could talk about why you're a guest on our podcast when you're talking about food on our food podcast when you're a guest. Well, this one goes on a bit. Not saying about food actually, weirdly so. My grandmother who grew up in Kazakhstan, Nina, her, all of her grandmothering revolves around fear based things. So like she's like, don't eat too much sweets because your butthole will still stick together. She would tell me that when I was like when I was growing up and I would be terrified to eat too much, too much sugary sweets because like the syrupness of the sweet would stick your butthole together. Yeah. And you don't want that. Your grandma would say, but it would stick your butthole together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because. And then you'd be like terrified because like, oh, I can't eat it many more chocolate. Is that like a phrase? Like a phrase? I've never heard anyone say it other than her. Or was she genuinely saying to you, you will, your butthole will literally stick together if you eat too sweet. And as a kid you'd be horrified. And it was an effective, an effective. Yeah. Tactic wouldn't have worked on me. No way. Win win. How is that win win. I don't know if I enjoyed going for dumps that much as a kid. Yeah. But it, you, you must have, it would be, it would be uncomfortable to have your butthole stuck together. Nah. Well then you just get really full, right? Yeah. Where's it all going? Yeah, well, keep it my body for longer. That's nice. I like sweets. Yeah, but you don't like having the sweets in your body, Right. You like the taste of them. I need to call my grandma. She should be able, she'd be able to argue my butthole together. What were some of your other grandma's fear tactics? So one of them had to do with the lamb. Yeah. So, okay, so because it's really, really fatty and really, really hot makes your butthole massive. If only girl can dream. So it's like, it's salty, it's fatty, it's really, really hot. And because it's so salty, you really want to drink cold water because it's really hot. But then I, I'm assuming it's kind of true. Or she just did it for fun. She's like, you can't drink anything cold because all the fat will just solidify inside you and you'll die. Oh my God. It's very, very body horror. All of your grandma's stuff is about being constipated in some way, right? Yeah, yeah. So then you'd be. You'd be terrible. So you'd be so thirsty because it would be so salty, but you wouldn't be able to stop eating it because it would be so delicious. But then you would be so scared to drink anything cold cuz you didn't want it to. To solidify inside of you. And then you die. And then you die. So it's like she would give you just like the hottest tea with it. Which didn't help the thirst at all. He has a sort of really panicked. I have a nostalgia for this panicked fig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be some sort of like jeopardy involved, I guess with whatever you're eating. Yes. You're battling the food in a way. And so when I had that, that lamb at Alf, the Somali restaurant, it brought me back. It brought me back. Did you have a cold drink with it? No, I was too scared. I just. Scared. Still won't do it. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm scared. What if it turns into aspic inside of me? Yeah. Every time you eat sweets, do you think about the butthole sticking together thing? Yeah. That stays with you. Yeah, it was going to stay with me. She wasn't even my grandma. Looking at the sugar content of a thing. How much is my butthole gone now? Where's my butthole at at the moment? My number one starter is the dream plate of nachos. The most incredibly done nachos that you have ever prepared. Yeah. My brother is a professional cook and I was back in Chicago for a birthday, I don't remember how old, and he said like, what do you want for dinner? And I said, he's a professional cook in Chicago? Yes. Is he the bear from the Bear? My brother. Listen to this. My brother trained at Michelin restaurants. Like did the whole thing in Spain, doing all that shit, comes to Chicago, trains in all these like Micheliny restaurants and then opens a sandwich shop. And so when the bear started, they go to my brother and they're like, would you consult on this show? My brother like, is like this sounds fucking stupid and no and turned it down. And now he's like midway because he. We pre talked. Our pre chat was bear related. I have my brother and I think a lot of other industry professionals do not die for the bear in the way that some of the rest of us do. But now he's watching it, being like, like, I can't. It's such a phenomenon. And so on the one hand, he like hates it because he doesn't feel it's a realistic representation. But that is his story and his journey. So now if you guys are in Chicago, you will have to go there for one of his sandwiches. Nah, Only if he was a consultant on the bear. I would go. Yeah, his place. No, I'm too busy. I'm going all the places around by people except my brother sandwich truck. I only eat food by people who are consultants. Just show up there, look for someone who looks a little bit like me, but younger and a man, and then just say that and then leave. And for listeners, James is wearing a T shirt from the bear I am currently wearing. Yeah, the original birth of Chicagoland. So this is mad. This is mad this has happened. It's mad that your brother is the bear, but also isn't the bear and hates the bear. Is your brother hottie? Here's whether or not my brother is a hottie. Are you ready for this? They tried to use him as an arm consultant. No. So my brother was like not attractive. She was this very round, round boy, which is great. Be a little round boy. Yeah, fine. Grows up and is like, something happened and he's still a husky boy. Husky, husky. But he got attractive and there was this sort of window between him growing and being on track and before he had three kids and life gets difficult. And my friends would be like, your brother is so hot. One of my brother's hot. And I'd be like, okay. And my parents are obsessed with my brother's hotness. In our family, I am the natural byproduct of my parents. Like they're these two people and they're how they are and I'm the child that they would have the perfect combination of all of their things. I would say the shitty combination of all of their things. But thank you for the compliment. And then we're glad that we won't be able to talk you out of what you've just said. So fair enough. Whatever. And then they have this boy and he is this blonde, beautiful, perfect creature. And they cannot believe that they made this child who's so perfect and at my. My sister in law dark. But it will get funny again. I hope. Her father passed away and I went to the. We're a Jewish family. So I went for the Shiva, which is sort of like the wake. And so that's the environment. It's a Shiva and where people are mourning. And it was one of the occasions where my sister in law was like introducing my brother to all these friends and family for the first time. And I'm there with my parents and my father. They kept going. Watch people look at your brother for the first time. Watch people look at your brother. They can't believe how handsome he is. They watch the next time she introduced. They're like obsessed with his beauty and he's not. What I always say about my brother's attractiveness is if I say nothing about it to people and then they meet my brother, they're like, your brother's kind of hot. If I go on about it now, when you guys see him, you'll be like, you really oversold how hot your brother is. So this has been this thing. And in my late 20s and his sort of early to mid-20s, I was like, oh, I guess my brother is like a babe. I spent a summer in Chicago, so he's always lived in Chicago. And when I was in the States, I was mostly in New York and I was cycling. It's a great cycling city. And they're all these like really like, like six way intersection things or whatever. And I'm cycling. I'm like 28. I'm adorable. Yeah. I'm Peking. I'll say it. You can't say it, but I was a pecan. Yeah. I'm like a girl on a bike. Oh my God. Oh my God. I see across the way, I see an adorable man also on a bike. Yeah. And he looks at me and I'm like. And I was just like, oh, that like cute boy is looking at me like, that's so great. Like, what, what will come of this? Because we're going to cycle past each other. But just. That's a lovely and flattering moment. Did you piss? That would happen later. We, the light turns green. We cycle, cycle. We're looking at each other. We're looking at each other. We get close enough, I'm like, that's my bro, would be my brother. We stop. I'm like, I thought you were working. I was like, oh, we never spoke about it. Like it was. We were 100% checking each other out. Yeah. Never spoken about, well, how do you know he was checking you out? He wasn't just like, oh, there's seven. First of all, that hurts my feelings. Second of all, Second of all, because of the awkwardness I could feel. And then years went by and I like started. I was like, oh, that's like a funny. It's Like a funny thing that happened. And my sister in law does not find it amusing, but I think it was the moment where I was like, Benito is not pleased. Did your brother confirm that this was what happened when your sister doesn't like it. So I presume I've. She's. I've never said to my brother with whom I like to think I have a close relationship. Not sexual. Let me add. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I guess. I guess if you're living in a world where you have to add it, you gotta wonder why. Yeah. Do you guys know that incest is like, actually very common? I've never. My brother for real. But did you. Did you legit know that, like, a lot of people, are this their sibs or doing shit? No. Another conversation. It is true. We can talk about it another time. But a thing is that I think a lot of people are experimenting with family members. Like maybe it's more cousins. Think that's true? I'll find the statistical. Send it to you. How are they even getting those statistics? Who's admitting to that? Let alone that many that common. Please don't send me those statistics. I'm live tweeting it to you now. I've never said to my brother, can you Please confirm. In 2008, Ben has never happened. Had to write on his list of things in the podcast incest on his notepad. He's never had to do that before. Bring the heat, motherfuckers. My brother made me some wonderful nachos. Thank you for what I believe was my 36th birthday. Okay. He homemade the tortilla chips. They were like, freshly fried. Wow. He made a mole sauce there. It went heavy on the homemade. Just even the way you're talking about the naturals. I can't. You want to bang your brother? Yeah. It's so obvious. This is not fair. I think he's a great guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't want to bang. Yeah. I don't want to bang. Yeah. Describe the nachos more. All right, you guys. They were like, so tasty in my mouth. I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to talk about food in a serious way now. I'm trying to. I'm trying to bring it back. Well, the nachos sound lovely. I do sound good. Nachos, whatever. Yeah. You know what? I think if you talk to my parents, they would sound like they want to bang him too. I think there's this weird fixation in my family with like, my brother's excellence yeah. And the rest of us are like these pieces of. We just get to wander around and be related to the king. That is the attitude. Yes. Where's the best place you've had, like, a mango salad? Like a really refreshing. The Barbican Bar and Grill. They have a kale salad. It's called a Kiss Me Kale salad. Oh, they've named salad after the show. This is great. It's a coincidence. I'm plugging. Right. I'm plugging proper right now. But they've got this amazing salad with, like, mango, and it's just. Yeah, it's great. It's so nice. If people did order the kiss Me kale salad and. And kiss. And kiss the kale tail. Yeah. And kiss the cake. As in they. They get the salad and they kiss the cake. They pulled it out of the salad and then kissed it. Yeah. Or they let down into the bowl and kissed it while it was still in the bowl. So it's up to them. Yeah. They can either pick up the bowl with both hands and bring it to their mouth and get off, like, fully get off with the kale. What, tongue the kale? Yeah, yeah. Or they can pick it. Or they can pick it out of the bowl and then kiss it and then tongue it and then. Yeah, yeah. Like, would they be allowed to stay in the Barbican, do you think? Or, like, what's the policy there? Because technically, that's not their fault. It's called Kiss Me Kale. Yeah. I feel like you gotta express it. Express yourself how you want to express yourself. Yeah. I don't think you should be punished for that. So if you want to tongue the kill, I think absolutely you should. Yeah. I think it's the. The kissing, I think is fine. I think when you said they get off with it, I think that's maybe the line. Are they, like, shutting their eyes? Noise as well. Yeah. Yeah. And unless they're kind of maybe mumbling, like, words. Hang on. I love it so much. Is that what you do while you're kissing someone? Yeah. I go, oh, baby. Yeah. No, that's cool. I think you only upset people who don't really like, you know, public displays of affairs, protection. Yeah. But it's not your business. If you want to talk to Kale, then you have to actually. You should go and turn the kale man. Yeah. Tell them. Tell. Tell it how you feel. Empress Gin. That's really good. Empress. And also Empress Gin with tonic is really good. I know that's like gin and tonic is whatever. Right. But but that gin with the tonic is a really good drink made. Well, it's a completely new drink. Yeah. And tonic, when someone makes you a proper good one. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Oh, okay. This is totally different to what I've been drinking. Yeah. And it is just like spending a bit more time, one gin having, like, the gin having a bit more flavor to it rather than just like bog standard gin. Yeah. And this one sort of turns purple when you pour it in there. It's. It's very. That also gives it a little effect, but for some reason it just complements it well. That's crazy. It turns purple. Yeah. How does that happen? Happen? I don't know. I'm across the sign, so I'm assuring skin. Someone did that and you didn't know it's going to happen. And you saw it turn purple. Did it remind you of Thanos and you got angry. Oh, I thought you were gonna say New Year's Eve. No, no, no. Thanos, you got. No, I don't. He. Yeah, I didn't. I don't think about it as much as you think I would. If it happened to me. I would. If it happened to me, I'd think about planets all the time. You. You got snapped. You were the ones. You got dusted. I know. Furious at that guy. I know. Well, it was amazing how well that villain was. In a way. He actually was, you know, he was having kind of his own midlife crisis. Turn on the world. Yeah. There were levels. There were levels to that. What do you think that was like for your character? A lot of characters happened to. But you're there, you've been in Wakanda fighting, and then you feel a bit. Bit shitty and then suddenly you're on his massive bat. You're completely different place. Do you think at some point you had to, like, get yourself. Bucky had to get himself together. Okay. It's a different battle now. A load of shit's happening. I'll get caught up on it later. Or was Bucky like, guys, please catch me up on what's been happening. Because, like, I can't just go into this fight not knowing. I can't know what's going on. I think. I think the minute he's so used to fighting in enemies, at the minute he sees it, it's like, yeah, right back in it. Sure, it's. But the version you described would have been, I think, more cinematic. Wait, timeout. What the fuck is happening around here? I just. I wanted to go to the bathroom and I came back and like everything's a different world. Yeah. Because they even knew this was like a different Thanos from a different time. And the Thor's already cut the other guy's head off. Yeah, but actually this is someone else from a different time. But we still need to. We kind of messed up with the time travel fig and just. Or whether it's like, we'll catch you up later. But the baddies are the same ones as before. I feel like you've thought about this more than anyone else on the planet. No way, man. It's interesting though. That movie does spiral down a rabbit hole. You find yourself kind of going and asking different things. Because once the time thing gets flipped, anything is possible. You know, it's like we can all keep doing what we're doing, but then Dr. Strange can turn back time. Like, I mean, what. You can't fuck with that. I mean, that's. Yeah. That's why it's very important that he doesn't have that stone anymore. If he did every movie just be like, yeah. They go, yeah. I would like to see like a caper film with him where he's just fucking around with time for a laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He keeps going back in time to the same spot. Yeah. Over and over again. Did you ever. We had a cartoon here when we were kids called Bernard's Watch. Are you familiar with Bernard's Watch? No. It was good, but it's really good. Watch was good, but like everyone had the kind of same problem with it, but like it was. It was a little kid and he had a watch that could stop. Stop time, but he could just walk around then do whatever, so everything would freeze. The only British thing that I remember when I was very, very little is a very controversial show called Benny Hill. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he should never be in possession of Bernard's watch. No. Because if it was Benny's watch, it would be a very different show. He causes enough trouble when. When times moving normally. Right. Chasing those poor ladies around. Chases the poor ladies on the trees and stuff, which is the music. It does blow my mind that Benny Hill was such a big export across the Atlantic. That was the thing. It's weird. Yeah. I remember just growing up and. And that scene, that show when I was little. And then Beverly Hills 90210. Yeah. Strangely. And Baywatch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like they were massive in Europe. Yeah. The two representations of different cultures. Benny Hill and Baywatch. Yeah. Yeah. I could have done a crossover episode where Benny's chasing the ladies, but it's all in slow motion. Yeah. Or the beginning of the Baywatch. Watch the Baywatch titles at the beginning, but with the Benny Hill music in the background and stuff. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. Yeah. Cadbury Chocolate Cabbage Chocolate. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's such a thing, isn't it? It's good stuff. Well, American chocolate is. You know what the islands come out. Maybe you up to that slowly before. Okay, well, Hershey's is the worst thing I've ever tasted. No, no, no. You can't compare those. But. But Tony's chocolate. Yeah. Is. Is this new? It's fairly new, right? Yeah. From Holland. Yeah. Unbelievable. Old also, they. Because of all of the. They're not like solid standard chunks in the bar. You end up breaking off a bit to be like, I'll just have a bit. But it comes off at a weird angle and then you break up another bit. You always. And there's half. It's just gone. You did it. Do you remember Kinder Eggs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those were great. I remember when you crack that thing open, the little astronaut would come out. Yeah. Or it'd be like a stupid one. You'd be like, no, I gotta get another one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. There was a period of time where it was always a little, like China terrapin, like playing the pan pipes or like with a surfboard, as there's other different terrapins. Yeah. That was when I got into kinder eggs. That was your favorite era of Kinder. I want to get all the terror pins that you got in the kinder eggs. I got a few of them. It was a great, brilliant idea. Whoever invented the kinder eggs. Yeah, yeah. The toys came in phases, like Marvel, didn't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like. Yeah. Now, if they were still. I mean, I think they still do kinder surprises, but. Yeah. They're not as popular that Marvel would consider doing a crossover with them. Right. Yeah. That would be like the pinnacle of your career. Right. Someone said, we're going to do you and a Kinder egg from any film you've been in. Yeah. That would be like, I made it. Yeah, I guess it would. It would probably be Marvel. I don't think it'd be the cannibal in the Kind Drake or you as Tommy Lee. It just ends up being a mistake. I mean, by. Someone just does one. Yeah. Randomly. So I'd buy the Tommy Lee kinder egg. Yeah. 100% Sebastian. Is Tommy Lee in the Kinder? Yeah. I mean, what would that even look like? It depends what just Be part of the story. One drumstick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd recognize him on Naked Attraction straight away. Tommy Lee. Yeah, yeah. Tommy Lee on Naked Attraction. Surely it would come up for everyone else. It's just the feet, but Tommy. Yeah, right. Dream dessert it is. There's a pub near where my mum lived in Reading. It's out in the countryside. It's a country pub. Sticky Toppy pudding. It's got dates in. It's got that almost like tangy, metallicy taste that you get from the drizzly stuff. Yeah. And there's. There's kaki for days. Sorry for this. Custard. Of course. I don't think cookie is an acceptable shortening of the word custard. I thought you'd been given diarrhea by these. Yeah, but I thought you'd eat us to get toffee pud. And. And now you have got diarrhea for the rest of the week. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie for days. Just out of like, so delicious. But you get cookie for days. Yeah, I'm going to get some cooky on there with the. You got little. Now, now, I don't usually give life advice for the guests. You got to stop calling it that outside of this podcast. And I mean, in. It is fine. We know what it means now, but called custard cookie. I do, I do. Do you. And is there. Does anyone else join in? Do you know how schools are that. Curly from Oakland. Curly love cookie. Curly love cookie. Sure. But like, I mean, also means something else. People call each other cucks all the time now. Yeah. And stuff. Yeah. I mean, that's like a Shakespearean word. That's not even. Yeah, yeah. So if you're just like. If you say to the waiter, well, they know. They know what they're serving it. They don't know it's called cookie, though. Hold on. Whose dream restaurant is this? Okay, so they know the lingo. So if you say to them, if you point the sticky toffee, put it in, go me. Yeah. They're not going to serve Ed's diarrhea. They're going to know exactly what it is. Yeah. It's creamy. Yeah. It's sweet. It's, I guess eggy because of egg custard. Yeah. And it's just right. Hot or cold? Hot. Hot cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot cookie. Man. How has this never. Never thought it was weird until now. I don't know. It's weird. I know, but it's. It's, you know, I'm. It's. It's who I Am. It's my cross and I shall bear it. You said hot Cucky Gold team before. I don't think he said it. This is probably the highest profile outing that Cucky's had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me so far. Also, you're not going to be anywhere with Brett where Cucky's on the menu, are you? No. To be honest, you. You could convince him that it's called that. He's never seen it before. This is cocky. Okay, thank you. Yeah. Thank you for telling me that. I'm going to try Cucky another time I tell people that I've had Cucky with Phil Dunster. This is called Cucky. No, it's not that. That's custard. You can have it hot or cold. Cky. They're like, likes hot cookie. I mean, it does sound like a delicious dessert, however much you have tried to make it sound absolutely disgusting. Yeah, yeah. I've never seen someone do so much legwork to make objectively delicious dessert sound gross. You can have it on the side when you're at my drink. You can have the cookie on your. On the side. You can have your hot cookie on the side. Yeah, yeah. Don't need to put your cookie all over your lovely sticky toffee pud. Yeah, yeah, I'll have your cookie. Get. I'll say what I'll have. You know. Are you going to have. James, you having your cookie? No, I'm not. I'm not having it. If you want to drizzle all over your bird. Yeah, get your cookie on your bird. No, no. I was going to leave, but I'm going to leave. I don't want to have my cookie. Do you mind if I have your cookie? Yeah, if you want to have my cookie, you can. I'm going to spoon your cookie. Yeah. Ed, is that cookie so, so turned on? Yeah. Get your hands off my cookie pill. But you're having it all over your pudding. Yeah, yeah. I'm not ashamed. I'm most likely like one of those sticky toffee puds that's like out of a, you know, plastic cup with the film lid. Or do you think it was made on premises? I think it was made on that. It was one of those where I think it was probably in a tray. It was made in a. In a big silver tray. It was a proper legit one. Good. And the khaki had like those vanilla pods in there. Yeah, vanilla pods in there again. I mean, absolute, like, legit. Nice custard. Be called kaky Cucky. Such a Disrespectful term. It's delicious. It was delicious. Cooky. And is this a family thing? Do your whole family call it cookie? It is, yeah. Yeah. So you're the dunsters all say cocky. So Pam. Pam's not going to bat an eyelid when Cucky comes up at the dream, and he's used to it by now. Ellie, I think probably still shirks it slightly. Yeah, dad, he's. He's got his snorkel and he's like. He's not face down to some Cucky with a snorkel sticking out, is he? His bird face stretches in the cookie snorkel. I love cocky. I mean, yeah, the man loves khaki as well, but, yeah, we're. We're. I guess we're a cooky family. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? Here's what I'm hoping. One day you'll be out having some delicious food and. Wait, what would you like desserts? I'm probably. I'll have the. The chocolate cake. Do you have chocolate cake, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd order chocolate cakes. Yeah. But you want any cocky with that? Well, hang on. So you're hoping that some. Someone in the service industry is gonna. It's gonna become. And then it's gonna disseminate across all restaurants. So are you hoping that it becomes so commonplace that one day you know, happen to us, or are you hoping that. Because what's happened to both of us many times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast, remember something like that that we've long since forgotten. Not that we will ever forget this conversation, Phil. And then we're at a restaurant and they. The waiter or waitress will do an in joke to us like that, and we won't know what they're talking about. Is that what you mean? Because I hope that never happens. Well, I hope if anyone's listening, if you come up to me in the restaurant and say, would you like cookie with that? I'm leaving your restaurant. I will say that this will not be one of the things I forget. I hope every time I see custard, I'm gonna go, oh, cooky. And I'll feel a bit sick. It's cocky. I can't have ruined delicious cookie for you, surely. Well, it's custard. Yes. I mean, yeah, it's not getting any better each time you say it. I tell you what, what is not just chicken that Brett has had with me is one of the kaki tarts. Hernando's. Oh, Yeah, A pastel donata. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they, as the Portuguese insist on calling them, pastel de nata. No, they call it. It Pucky Danucky. Everyone knows that Andy Zaltzman was one of our Christmas special episodes this year and made up some bullshit courses. Hold on a second. We've only just recorded that episode. That's mad. I thought this had been on the table the whole time we've been Darren Brown. Benito's predicted what Zaltzman would come out with. Let's hear some of Andy's fake menu. I mean, other wonderful main courses I've had over the years, been to a few of the restaurants. The American celebrity, celebrity chef Skooten Malvaine. And in one of his restaurants had his signature thrice slap shotted puck of ruthlessly executed guiltless cow served on a sesame besieged matrice of yeast inflated and wheat influenced, didot be sourced with a deconstructed and reconstructed ketchuping rouge of tomatsk squeeze comfortingly blanketed with a rectangulant of time ripened coagulated udder origin lactotum of maternal bovioid. Or to give it its nickname, a cheeseburger. See, this is the. This is what I thought would happen every. Every course. Yeah, yeah. Andy's gonna have written a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist and we're gonna. We're gonna have to engage. That exists, but that exists. It's a cheeseburger. Yeah, it's a cheeseburger. Yeah. I don't know if you've been to any of Malvane's restaurants, his Emoto bistro, where each dish is intended to provoke an emotion as well as a flavour. Right. Fantastic signature dishes include hollow eyed haddock pessimistically served on a resigned bed of fait accompli seaweed gunpoint served ransom of lamb's liver frightened into a territorine, presented with a harrowed memory of spirit broken split peas and giggly hen sausages aroused in a pseudoerotic ketchup of seriously buff stripped tomatoes. I mean, they all sound quite nice. It was like you hit your threshold of saying stuff that was real and then you were like, I've got it. Let me. Hang on, let me just do this before we carry on. I must have done nearly. Nearly half an hour. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. But it's interesting. Your two main passions are stats, which couldn't be more real. Yeah. And absolute, absolute nonsense. I mean, in terms of octopus scoot and malvine. Some wonderful octopus. Here we go. I Thought I sensed Andy had zoned out in that bit reading this doc. If he did this document, it was tight. Clean something up. His, his protesterant which is the first protest themed restaurant. Yeah. In the world where waiters take your orders by chanting through a megaphone what do you want? And then you announce what you want and then they say when do you want it? And you say now. And then they go. But amazing starters. It was a crusade of crudite writing riets of. Of real grouse placards of Icelandic elk ham vitriol with squid ink slogans and brand east on a Soviet influenced sausage stick. And the main courses, I mean the, the. The octopus dish which is a pastry fenced occupations of octopus. Right. Placed with carrot batons and swayed by propagando of lefty lattice. Hard to look beyond that. So I mean the beefs from around the world served overdone or underreported. They were pretty good. And, and force fed opinions of sheep dribbled in an evangelified sauce to raison re driveled in a half baked tomato motto. That was also excellent. Cannot believe Kettle chips isn't in there. Absolutely waiting for kettle chips. Yeah. Yeah. Plum grumble was excellent. Yeah. That said name and the furious banana banners with an absolute fool. That was also good. Good. Got that off your chest. Yep, yep. Anything you want to say before we go, Andy? Yeah. Any more on the laptop for us? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want you to have written a whole dish out and we don't get to hear it. I think that's. I think we've. Yeah, I think we've, we've covered it, I think. Oh, are those. Well, there's Malvain's got a new insect restaurant. Oh fantastic. The. Oh, and he's got a new, new restaurant in Paris which is an all you can eat shellfish seducto brasserie called Moulay Vous buffet avec moises. He's. He's got a couple of Christmas recipes he's just put out on social media. One is a regretful wood pigeon hand haunted in a memory of asparagus wrongdoings, bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard punched potato faces. Or you can go with the high speed car crash tenderized paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a splenetic reductio gruffly manhandle chanterelle mushroom willies and a pert bouncer of cabbage tits. But he's got a new insect because obviously insects are going to be the future of food. Yeah. And his latest insects. Insects. Menu is a trio of breast of ladybird, filet de wasp and tarantula web snaffled moth sweetbreads heartened by a sore squig leash of fear motivated larvae. Then you've got an amuse bouche of a ready, ready to pop. Cocoon of caterpillar flouncing into a mouth. Mouth flutter of freshly buttered butterfly. And then a magotene of swat orphaned fly infants confronted by an encroachment of filth fed cockroaches counterintuited on a telly. A telly of hand splatted worms. Beautiful. Well, that's the future of food, people. But Andy brought an extra guest with him. His stomach. How did you know that was going to happen? How did you know that was going to happen? Bonita. Here's a montage of. That's not what it says. Oh, yeah, someone's written this in a rush in between the records. Yes. He's a montage of his tummy rumbles. Andy Saltzman is a montage of his tummy rumbles. I think Pap Nordo. I do like a. I mean the Indian. The Indian breads. Asian breads are. Give you a lot of options. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're pretty banging as well. Yeah. If you want, you could set your dream meal in an Indian restaurant and you could cheat the system that way. Popping ups and bread. Yeah. But of course, the rest of the menu might not be. It might be. I mean, mine started as well. It was the most cartoon stomach rumble that we've had had on the podcast. We've had quite a few. Yeah. Stomach rumbles on the podcast. We've done it both all the time. I did one. Benito's never does because he's a goddamn robot from space. So it doesn't have any emotions, even hunger. But Andy's went. It sounded more like a turkey than you did. Yes, it's a perfect turkey, but I wish I'd done it earlier. Any Indian cricketer from history? Yes. Yes. Oh, well, I might go with Vinu Mankad, who played for India after the Second World War. I don't know why James has asked this question, because he's not going to know who the person is. Huh? You're not gonna know who they are. Yeah, it was. He was a very good, very good player. Spinning all rounder. And I'd probably choose him because he's been deaf for quite a long time. So I'd get more food. Yeah. And his stomach's gone again. I love my stomach. I love how adorable Andy's stomach is when I. When I. Whenever I do a podcast, I bring thematic corporeal noises. That's what the laptop's ready for. He secret. Frequently pressing the space bar every now and again and setting off the stomach rumble sound effect. Are you going cone or cup? Cup. Cup. Yeah. Good. You've passed. You passed the test. I mean, you know, you don't get cones in cricket. They all wear a cup. Loves it. God, your stomach is really struggling. It. Well, you say you're. I'm loving it every time. Absolutely phenomenal. It was from the moment we started. It's non stop. It's going crazy, Andy. It's going absolutely crazy on you. Is it a picked up on mike bonito? Surely it's that first one has to be picked up. First one. The first one was louder than Andy speaks that frequency. Yeah. It was a very high pitch frequency glitch through all of us. But that last one just then must do as well. It was quite a. Well, it's basically mine. It's literally my internal monologue. Yeah. Throughout all of this. How many flavors per cup is what. Because sometimes I get excited and I'm like three scoops in a cup and then they all mix up and you're losing the purity of it. Two is optimum. You can always, you know, go back and. Yeah. Get like a bonus. Yeah. If you've done well on the first two. Yeah. I find it hard not to go free because I love ice cream so much and I always, I always go. I should have just gone too. Like I was like, now remember next time just go for two because you know that's enough and it's nice and they compliment each other and three is just always too much ice cream and they're not going to compliment each other as much now. You got go in different ways. One of, one of the best ice creams I ever had was a vanilla ice cream at a restaurant in London, possibly Andrew Edmonds. And it just had Pedro Jimenez sherry poured on the top and simple but divine. Great. I love it. I absolutely love stuff like that. Yeah. With the, with, with the sherry port on top. It's proper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vanilla ice cream with booze on it. Yeah, yeah. Whiskey as well. With like, with that kind of ice cream. Oh, it's great. But. And I don't know if this counts as dessert, but like a, A cheese trolley. Is it either or. No, listen, here we go. This is the controversial point here, Andy. We have. I Just found. Sorry, someone's just wheeled the trolley. I'm not even hungry. That was the sound of the. That was the sound of the trolley wheels on the floor, rolling along and he's bought. This has never happened to me before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Don't worry. It happens to a lot of guests. It's great having two guests on the tummy. So listen, just transparency. Yeah. There's guests on the podcast before who decided that they want a cheesebur instead of a dessert. Yeah. I've gone absolutely ape out at them. It makes me furious. Ed and I have both, on our dream menus, chose a traditional sweet dessert and a cheese board and had them, you know, one after the other in whatever order. And we've had other guests do that. And we know you've got history with that after your Christmas. I like that because I do like doing that myself. I like the cheese course as either a bridge from the main course to the dessert or after afterwards by the fire with your friends. Just like taking your time with a cheese board. That's fine if you have it in place of the ice cream, especially because it sounds delicious. Your stomach is going to be making way worse noises currently making. I'm gonna. I think this is a Christmas episode. It'll be a shame to not give you the ice cream and the cheese. Right, Good. Be a huge shame. Yeah. So, I mean, a good cheese board is one of. My stomach. Sorry about this. Stomach. My stomach's run out of battery and it's still bloody bleach. Anyway, stomach really tired. Sorry. Your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud. But of course, there was one section this year that really got the listeners going. Oh, dear. Let's hear some fan fiction from Huge Davies. Oh, no. Turn it off. Turn off the episode. Don't listen to this. You do a great, very grimy podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I will say. Yeah. This is actually quite odd being here. Quite surreal because it was only recently that we. So I do a podcast called Slime Country. I do it with Sunil Patel and Ed. Ed Knight. And we re. We every time we read out, like a fan fiction that someone's written, it just sort of happened that week that we found one, an off menu one, and we had to read it out on the podcast. And I have to say, it's very, very difficult to. To listen to. Slightly readout. Yeah. Very hard. A lot. Very weird. Because they get weird because there's always Ninja Turtles and that kind of thing. Yeah. But the ones where you Know the people in which is a few. We had one with Uncle Roger last week with Gordon Ramsay. And like Gordon Ramsay was. It was translated from Chinese. Gordon Ramsay was. He was called Lao Bao for some reason. And I think Uncle Roger was. I think it was called Little Trout or something. It was quite odd. Anyway, your one was very strange change what happened in our one. So you, by the way, when before Huge read this out on his podcast. He did message me to check. Yeah. To give my consent and I gave yours. Yeah. I mean, no one else. Yeah, Yeah. I know that you'd say no. Yeah, yeah. Because it doesn't, as you'll find out, doesn't hold you in great esteem. Oh, what? So I can't remember precisely, but I got the main points of it. Starts off, James lets himself. Yourself into your flat with a spare key. Okay. You're watching some on television. They make sure that you say that you're watching some on television. You crawl into Ed's lap and break down into tears immediately. What the stroke. Let myself in to do this so far. Bang on. Yeah. And then you're sort of believe this. That's what people think. Yeah. Yeah. That's what. That's what the fantasy is. That's like. Because it's an exaggerated version of like. Yeah. You're crying about how bad your days. The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long. So long where you're talking about all the things you're having to. You think you're, like, having problems with, like, your agent or something like that. And that's just comforting you straight up. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're, like, weeping. You're, like crying all the way through this. And that's just stroking your hair. Yeah. And then you beg him to tie you up. You, like, you are begging him. I can't believe this. Oh, I'm so happy. We had to stop because it was like. It was. It's too hot. It's too hard to read. Yeah. It's too. It became difficult because you. You're finding it upsetting or because. Other option. I think it's because people have ripped. Because people write these. These fan fictions. It's always quite funny because you're. You don't really. It's because if it's like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it's like a. But when it's real people that you. You know. Yeah. It becomes quite sinister that they would, you know, there's people, like, in a setting in which they might have come to see you live. And the first instances go like, I'm gonna write like a. Sure. Like a 16 chapter story about how while crying Ed, as I go on James whilst he's tied to a bed. I'm still crying for the whole thing. Yeah, you're crying for the whole thing. You've had a really bad day, man. Yeah. But this is like also the way that it's written. It's like this is just normal because you've just let yourself in. Yeah. Like as. Like, oh, here we go again. You have to tie him up and it's like he's crying so much about his bad day. I wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like. No, it's hard. It's hard to listen to it. I mean I'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing. Can't believe I'm just being painted. That's how the fans see me. Yeah. If you've not ever read a fan fiction of yourself before. No, there's loads, man. That was only one of them. We were going to do a whole. We're going to do a whole month of it because we like them, James. A cast a month. Yeah. Crying in all of them. Every single one of them. It doesn't sound good. Oh God. Honestly, we. We don't often stop. We have to stop this. We never stopped. We had to stop. It was too. Yeah. We couldn't get to the point where you were starting to go. And you do go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine it's got to happen at some point. Yeah. Holy smokes. Sorry about that. I can't believe it. I crawl in the room. Is that the bit that upset you the most? All of it is just demeaning. Like I can't believe I'm. I'm letting myself in for it myself in with a spare key. You. You haven't even got up to see who it is. You're just watching tv. Like the fact that you're not like, oh, who's coming in? Oh, hi Jim. You're just sitting there watching tv and I have to crawl in crying. And then I. On your lap crying about my bad day. And then I beg you to tie me up. Yes. It's not even your idea. Yes. There's a lot of nuzzling. I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling? That is like, that is just sums up all my. Every weirdo who's ever seen me. Is that. That they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling. That just absolutely that doesn't. God. Thanks to whoever wrote that. And then what am I tied to a bed? Yeah, thanks. Whoever wrote that bonito put his hand. Wouldn't be surprised. By the way, if you're not listening in the produce the sound. The sound guy is David Dimbleby. Retire. Can't believe. Absolutely love that. Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah. Cuz I'm big strong boy. Yeah. Big strong boy watching tv doesn't have any feelings. Watching. I said you were watching garbage. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. That's the. That's the worst you've come off. Yeah. Is when you relax, you watch, you watch garbage. I will say that. Yeah. All sorts of problems. I love that. I think that. Yeah. You, you, you. Are they writing this because they find it arousing or they writing it other people? So the comments below will also be like great. Like be a great story. They find it sexy. Yeah. People read it and wank off to it, I reckon. Jeez, man. Jeez. James, I know you've not enjoyed talking about this, so later on when you let yourself in. I'm crying about what he said when you crawl into his lap. Yeah. Make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote. That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television. Watch my garbage television. And I don't have time for much nothing tonight. So we're just gonna have get straight to the tying up and all right. Yeah. For me, I guess. Crikey Moses. Does he say that? Yeah, that'll be the next one. I made a note of that. Right. And then he says at the point of climax he shouts, crikey Moses. But there will be another one because there's so many. There will be another one maybe. There's so many of this, people just look up. No, I don't look at that. No way. It's a dark hole you'll never get out. Yeah. Look it up. It's about what you're complaining about actually during the dark hole you can't get out of. Yeah. Yeah. Bad day, man. He had a bad day. Yeah. Bunch of creeps, man. That's. That's. That is messed up. It's scary as a scary world, isn't it? That is scary that that's in someone's head. Yeah. Isn't it scary that some you can be so good at stand up that people will write that about you and you have. Then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast. Well, it's. It's scary that if. If you Even if you have some sort of platform and you talk about your emotions for a second, they're like. And he cry so much. It just becomes this big thing. It's hot. It's a cry all the time. Yeah, come on, keep crying. Cries all the time. He's nothing. It's crazy. Begging for it. N so funny. Also, I think you'll like this. They kept referring. They don't. They refer to Ed as Ed? Oh, no. They refer to James as the boy. We read the full. If you check out the. This is. This is the biggest, the most disturbing. This is the most. This is the biggest. This is the biggest plug for the podcast I could do. But you got to. Up until now, we read it word for word. The most disturbing thing on this podcast was when Ed said he has his spaghetti playing with the dollop on top. But this is. This is absolutely. This is why, Joe. What? It's far too many. I hope some comedians are listening. Listen to this. I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me, you should really, like, be more open with your fans, man, and talk to them. And you could, like, you know, sometimes they come up to you and they want stuff from you and you're like, oh, no, I'm kind of in a rush or whatever. And that really upsets me. You should really give them the time of day that if that's. What if this is what they're doing? I don't want to meet a single one of these creeps. Forget it. Just the boy. Yeah, the boy. The boy. If this is what's going on in their heads. Wouldn't be annoyed if he wasn't crying in the story. Yeah. If I wasn't crying in the story. Yeah. What is a number of things? Not just a cry. If I wasn't a boy. Wasn't being called a boy. If I wasn't crying, if I wasn't begging to be tied up because you apparently don't want to do it. If I wasn't like to cast his will complaining about my dad. I see it as more like crawl into the room on all fours. That's funny, man. I'm already this subservient, like, lower than you. I don't like crawling into the laugh a bit like, you know, where the cat sets us up on a bed. They're changing like, I'll be Joe. What? If that is. If that is how I did things, I'll be fine with it. Yeah. But I'm just not anybody who does, like, Doing that. Who wants to be the. The subservient like that? Fair play to you. I'm not judging you, but that's not how I like to do it. And people put it on me. Every room I've ever seen you come into, you've walked in. Thank you. I'll say that. I got your back. We've never nuzzled. Never nuzzled. Yeah. Wouldn't rule it out. Wouldn't rule nuzzling out. That's. That's the one thing that didn't annoy me as much. That says more about them. Yeah. So dessert then, is it? I guess we're in a dream drink, but, like, dream drink. Oh, my God. I forgot how awful that was. I spoke to Huge Davies at the Plosive Christmas party, and he was saying he'd seen your special and very much enjoyed it, but he was worried when you start talking about having the boy with you on stage. Oh, believe you me, on the tour after Huge's episode went out, there was a few people who heckled. Oh, and we know who the boy is. And the first time that that happened, I did not know what they were talking about because I do not listen back to this podcast. And it'd been a very long time since we recorded that. Very surely. It's been so long since we recorded Huge's episode. I didn't even know that that was the episode that had been out. So when they said, we know who the boy is, like, what are you talking about? And then they had to remind me, I was like, well, that's ruined the whole show. Well, that's it for another year. As ever, we wrap up the Best of with our annual Papadoms or Bread compilation. Is this really the end of the Best of, though? Maybe we'll release something else on Monday. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Pop knobs or bread? Pop dubs or bread? Daddy Dyer. Pop dubs or bread? Well, it's an odd one that. Because. Because you never go in a restaurant. You don't get offered that. Because obviously, with some nutty gaff. Yeah, because I'm getting the option. I'm gonna go poppadons. Pop ups or bread. Pop ups or bread? Peter Capaldi. Popping ups or bread. Oh, God, that's hard. Pop ups or bread? Pop ups or bread? No, Felding. Pop ups or bread. Oh, my God. Pop ups or bread? Bread. Poplums or bread Puddles. Cassidy. Pops or bread? Sorry I cut you off there. I didn't expect to. No, it's all right. Well, that's the. That's the Pops or bread? Bit, isn't it? You got it. You got to cut people off. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Andy Saltzman. Pops or bread? What? Bread. One of the bread options absolutely bite you on the ass. Pops or bread? Rick Astley. Pops or bread? Oh my God, I still can't get used to that. Pop ups or bread? Poplubs or bread. Phil Dunster. Poplubs or bread? Bread. Pops or bread? Popls or bread? Pops or bread? Bread. Bread please. Yeah, bread please. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Carrie Brownstein. Pop knobs or bread? Bread. Pop knobs or bread? Pops or bread? Well, us, mate. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadom. I love poppadoms. Oh yeah. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Brown. Pops or bread? Bleed Jesus, the bread. Pop knobs or bread? Pops or bread? Johannes R. Baby. Actually, sometimes, sometimes I say bebe on stuff. Pop knobs or bread? Pop knobs or bread? Finn Wolfhard. Pop knobs or bread? I don't even know what the first one is. Yeah, yeah. Pop ups are bad. Pop ups are bad. Good thing is I've heard this podcast enough to know that that's not a, you know, that's not directed to me because of the color of my skin. Pop ups are bad. Karakani. Pop ups are bad. Pop it up, so bad. Pop it up, so bad. Have Banana Basan. Pops or bread? Bread. Pop lobs or bread. Pop lobs or bread? Huge Davies. Pop lobs or bread? Bread. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? See Matt. Pop lobs or bread? Bread. Pop lobs or bread. Publobs or bread. J Pinket Smith. Pobs or bread. Publobs. Popls or bread. Pops or bread. Josh Wolom. Pops or bread? Pop dums. Pops or bread. Poplubs or bread. Sasha Monica Jackson. Poplums or bread. I'm going to go for popping up or bread? Sarah Baron. Poplubs or bread. Okay, I had a last minute shift on this one. Pop ups or bread. Poplubs or bread. Joe Lock. Pop ups or bread. Oh, bread. Yeah. Poplubs or bread. Pop ups or bread. Sophie. Well then. Poplubs or bread? Bread. Poplubs or bread. Poplubs or bread. Stuart Laws. Pop knobs or bread? Bread. Pop knobs or bread. Pop knobs or bread. Can you wit? Pop knobs or bread? Can't have popping arms. Don't have a gallbladder. No. Next question. Up to you. Popls or bread? Pops or bread? Ray Winston. Pops or bread. Oh, depending on the bread and where you are in Italy, the bread's Very good. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? Michelle, the sw. Pop lobs or bread? I think I'll go for a poppadom. Pops or bread? Pops of bread in the B machine. Pops or bread? Bread popped. Pop it up. Oh, smoke. Pop it up. Bread. Pop it up. Pop it, absorb bread. Pop it. Absorb bread. Killer. Mike. Pop it ups or bread. None of that for me to start. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Pop knobs or bread? Popping ups. Pop knobs or bread? Pop it ups or bread? Rachel, that's a really tough question. Pop knobs or bread? Pop knobs or bread? Pop knobs or bread? I beware. Every time it went a bit quiet, I was like, poplubs open about zookas. Pop dogs or bread? I'll be honest, James, it's got to be bread. Because what is the first thing you're saying? Pop dogs. Pop dogs or bread? Pops or bread? Pops or bread? It's definitely bread. I hate pop doms. They're grim. Pop dos or bread? Pops or bread? Robert. Papa. Pop dos or bread? Okay, I popped for Italian bread. For curry. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Hello, Skeleton. Pop dubs or bread? Pop A dub. Nice. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? Poplubs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? Sebastian. Stan. Poplubs or bread? None. Pop knobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? I mean it. Poplars or bread? Wow. I made a me jump. Yeah. Yeah. It's terrifying. I haven't made anyone jump in ages. Or bread Problems or bread? You're bread. That genuinely scared me then. Problems or bread? Problems on bread. Alice. James. Problems on bread. Problems on bread. Problems are bread. Matt. B's on bread. Bread, Yeah. I thought I was going to be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. Problems are bad. Johnny Bobbins. Problems or bread? Well, really scared you there, didn't he? Yeah, really, really, really. I've never seen him scared before. Pop up. Your friend. Pop ups. Your friend bread. Sam Campbell. Pop knobs or bread? Problems or bread? Pops or bread? Ian Stirling. Pop knobs or bread? Problems or bread? Poplums or bread. Thank you, Boyle. Problems or bread? He. He just mentioned it so I couldn't shock him. Yeah. But he was about to take a drink, so I thought, it's now or never. Maybe you'll be able to scare Frankie Bole. I don't see why I have to choose. Choose. But as I have to choose, obviously it's bread problems or bread. Problems or bread. Problems or bread. So, problems or bread Problems or Bread. Lucy by problems or bread. Oh my God. You're scared. Yeah, that. That's probably one of the most I've ever been scared in my life. Okay, I'm just going to drink some water for this. Pop up or bread? Pop ups or bread? Jessica, now it. Pop ups or bread? Pop ups or bread? Pop ups or bread? Mike, watch the. Pop ups or bread? Pop, please. Okay. Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Joe Wilkinson. Pops or bread? Jesus wet. Jesus wet. Pob or bread? Pops or bread? Toby T them Poblams or bread? Pops or bread? Pops or bread? Ars or bread? Oh, yeah, I'm going to go Poppadoms. Poppadoms or bread? Pops or bread? Jessica Hines. Pop Nobs or bread? Not understand what you just said. Pop. Knobs or bread? Jessica Hines. I heard James at a caster. No, no, no. La la la la. Okay, so you need to slow down. Yeah, you need to quieten down. You need to say it again in a calm inside voice, please. Thank you for doing this. Finally someone's done this. Could you please say it in a calm inside voice and then I will respond. We're having a lovely discussion about creamy hole and you've shouted over the top. You. I. I heard. Or bread. What I did not hear was that at the beginning. Okay, so start again. Take a breath and start again, please. Would you like poppadoms or bread? Okay, now go talking papa dogs. Yeah, it's a nice chat now. Always. Poppadoms. Thank you. Hey guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic famous foods from restaurants across the country, anywhere, nation nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your Life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code gift. Discover Hydro. The best kept secret in fitness. 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