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It's nearly the end of 2025 and it's time for our annual Best of Year episodes featuring all of our favorite clips from the last 12 months of off Menu. As usual, we will be reading the script that Benito has written verbatim, including this bit. But in an unusual twist, this year he's written this while very ill and hopped up on Lemsip, so who knows whether any of it makes sense. Yes, apparently we've released 47 episodes in 2025, but Benito could have added that up wrong. Anyway, welcome to part one of our favourite clips of the year. And Benito, you motherfucker, you didn't even write the imail as well. You putting all the illness on you. I've also dragged myself out of bed to do this. We must have different scripts. That's not in my one. Oh yeah, I've got a different one. I'm on the Google Doc. Still or sparkling? That's the question. We always start with still or sparkling water in the Dream Restaurant. And that's how we're kicking off our best of clips. After over 300 episodes, we're still amazed at the response to this question. My name's the great Benito. I'm a silly little lad. Here are clips from Daisy Ridley, Emily Campbell, Sally Phillips, James Norton, Rhys James Kunar Nay er and Rod Gilbert. We always start with still a sparkling water. Daisy, do you have a preference? Still, please. Very, very to the point. I struggle to understand sparkling water. You struggle to understand it. You can't even conceive of it. Like I have a few sips, but it's one of those things that when people are just having glass after glass, I think, oh, it's just like a. It's not for me. No. Yeah. That many glasses is kind of crazy. I think if you're having more than one glass of sparkling water, then that is quite psychotic. I'll glug it. Yeah, that's so strange. If it's mixed with something like, I'm a big fan of a fizzy elderflower. So if you've got elderflower cordial on there, Chug away. But not by itself. Chug away at the elderflower cordial. What is it about? Because I've never been able to get on with elderflower cordial. Really. But I would say my mum, my sister, my partner, all huge fans. So I clearly. You're trying to make this agenda thing. Oh, dear. Oh, no, I've done it. I didn't even realize. Yeah. What you're saying there is. I'm making it a gender thing. You ladies love elderflower. That's what you're trying to say. Why do the ladies love elderflower? I don't know why the ladies plural do. But I love it. Yeah. I gave up fizzy drinks years ago for Lent, so I never really went back to the. The big brands. I don't know if you're allowed to say one here. The Cokes and what have you. Yeah. But for whatever reason, because my mum likes elderflower. So I think I, you know, I took it from her. Maybe it is agenda. Any fellows who like elderflower? Tweet. The podcast. Tweet, huh? Tweet is so outdated. Oh, yeah, don't. Yeah, don't do that. Any fellas who like elderflower. I'll have an elderflower. I like an elderflower. Yeah. With fizzy water. Cancel the tweets. It's been disproven already. What else have you given up for Lent in the past? I think I tried to give up chocolate. That didn't happen. Glad to hear that was the only thing. Fizzy drinks. And I really stuck to it. That's. That's the only one that's got completely. You did it. Did it. I remember talking to my gran at the time and I said, oh, do you give up anything? And she was a Christian. Yeah. And she said, you get to my age and you don't need to give anything up. She said, I have my pleasures and that's what I like, you know? Yeah. And I thought that was quite lovely. I think if my grand said to me, I. I have my pleasures. I know the way I said it, I would say she didn't say it like that. And I really apologize in you for Lent never coming here again. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. No, but that's nice. Once you get to that edge, you're just like, no way. Yeah. Why would. Why would I do that? Why would I sort of weirdly punish myself? And then actually someone said something about taking up something is quite a lovely thing to do. Didn't do that. Yeah. That's. That's anti Jesus, isn't it? Yeah. He wasn't taking up anything for the. In the desert. Is that what it was? I don't know. Is it in the desert? I think it's like he goes in the desert, doesn't he? He's in the desert for ages and then he comes out on Pancake Day or something. No, Pancake Day was sweet. Pancake Day's bean. Yeah. So Pancake Day kicks off Lent pancakes. Before he went in the desert, to give him enough energy, Pancake Day cleared out all of the cupboards of people who were about to embark on Lent. I do know that. So he had a pancake, went into the desert, and didn't have any fizzy drinks while he was there. Correct. Oh, my God. Certainly not. Elder flower. Then at the end he went, I have my pleasures. Yeah. He said to one of the people writing the Bible, write this down. Yeah. I have my pleasures. I have my pleasures. I could have, probably. Yeah. In the Bible. The guy following him around, writing the Bible. Yeah. Yeah. There was a few of them, weren't there? Four of them at least. The. The main guys. Yeah. Find a lot of it. Yeah. If your grandmother ever told you this stuff, she must have. Oh, my God. I'm still mortified at how I expressed my grandmother's sentiments. Yes. You made her sound like a. Oh, God, yes. But please don't ask us to edit it out, though, because it was funny and you come across fine. We always start with still. A sparkling water. Still water. If you drink sparkling water, you're a psychopath. Yeah. Standard. It's not nice. You can't convince anybody that it's nice. It's just not. We have a lot of guests on this that absolutely love sparkling water. Are they all psychopaths? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Or they're just doing it to please their friends or something. It's not nice. Also, I think anytime we do have, like, people who are like. Like sports people or whatever on. They choose still water because they're not drinking sparkling and going and exercise. Because you've got to drink a lot of water as well. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm not gonna front. Like, water in general is just not the nicest, really. Like, I'm one of those, like, I'm a squash person. Yeah. Like, I've got those little, like, travel ones and, you know, have a little bit. I'd rather drink squash and drink water. What's just boring into it? Well, it's just there for hydration. We'll let you have squash as your water course if you want. Yeah. Would You. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Like an orange and pineapple. Nice. Or a tropical or something along those lines. Yeah, Solid. Oh, that's good. That just got better, didn't it, already? And do you want it One of those squeezy little pouches? Is that what you're talking about? The little squeeze? They're just convenient, aren't they? But, you know, any squash. Squash works. You don't want to go double strength, really? Because you don't want it to be, like, weak. Crazy. The double strength it is. You have to be really careful with that. You know, if you get a bit too. It can get a bit too much. You go to space. It's crazy. Yeah. I have my really sweet as well, apparently, because I remember once we was catching a fly and I was with a couple of the lads that we was, we're going to an international. And I said, oh, come on, finish this, because I can't finish it all. And they were like, emily, what the hell is that? Like, how much juice is in there? Are these weight? Are these white boys? Proper big boys? Yeah, Because I travel with all the heavyweights, so all the heavyweight boys. I was like, just finish that. And they were like, that is awful. Emily there was like, have you got half a bottle of squash in there? And I was like, no, Like, I didn't even think it was that sweet as I've been drinking it my whole life. You're hardcore. Yeah. You're strong like the squash. Yeah. That's what you gotta tell them. Wow. Go tell those boys this squash stronger than you guys. Yeah. I'm gonna go put that on my hinge profile. Y something I. What is happening about myself the other day? I drink tap water all the time at home, obviously, but if I drink it from the bathroom tap, I feel weirder about it, as if it's different water than the kitchen tap. But I think, is it not? Is it not? I don't know. Is it? I don't know either. I know exactly what you mean. It tastes more metallic from them. Yeah. And I love the fact that we're both confessing that we have both. Yeah, yeah. Always have both. Yeah. But it's convenient if I'm about to go to bed and I want some water or whatever take, you know. Yeah. I'm going to the bathroom tap. Not going. But I'm thinking, like, it's different from the sink and the bath. Yeah. Very different from the bath. Well, the shower. The shower is the hardest one to get. Yeah. Yeah. Really got to be under There for a while to get a good mouthful. Yeah. There is a website, Mineral Waters of the World. You know this, presumably? No, no, we don't rank the different mineral waters. Oh, wow. Yeah. Someone's properly done it. Done the. Yeah, yeah. What's to. What's top? Well, I actually printed it out because. Although I printed out the website. Yeah. I was going to look at some of this, but then I just realized you printed out quite a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. Well, no, I printed out some of the stuff from the supper club in place. So it was something I could remember and I thought I'd read it in the car, but then I got car sick, so I haven't. Here we go. Top is a. Oh, I haven't got number one. Yeah, here we go. Number one. Topo Chico. Have you ever heard of that? Topo Chico. Topo Chico. Where's that from? 17 votes? Doesn't say. 17, I'm guessing 17. That's top. Is it Dorna, then? Well, do you want to have a look at the thing? But the only. The first one I recognize is badua at number six with 40 votes. What? I don't know why. I don't know why. Number one. I would address this website. Out of five, it is Mineral Waters of the World. Check it. It's independent. Yeah. It's an independent thing they've done. It's an independent thing. Yeah. Sally, I hate to skip ahead, but I've noticed on. On another sheet there's a paragraph with the subheading Chinese ghosts. Yeah. Yeah. This is all supper club stuff. Yeah, yeah. Did you know that Chinese ghosts. The reason Chinese temples have zigzag bridges over their ponds is because Chinese ghosts can only cross water in a straight line. I didn't know. I mean, it's a. It's weird. What sort of comes up on the podcast because we've recently had a conversation with John Kearns where we talked about Japanese ghosts not having any feet. Yes. Wow. So I thought this might be where that was going. Yeah, no, like. But obviously not. It's. Yeah, they can't. They have to cross water in straight lines. They can zigzag on land. Yeah. But not. Of course, they see that bridge and go. If you're being chased. Yeah. By a Chinese ghost. Yeah. And there's only a straight bridge if. Yeah, yeah. Big trouble. What part of the supper club did that relate to? I just can't remember. Presumably that was part of the riverside one. Yeah. I love that. It's still on the form, though. And you can't quite remember what. I can't remember what it was. Yeah, we haven't done one for a while. Like I say. Yeah. Japanese water demons look like small naked men with a turtle shield and a water filled bowl shaped head. So that is how I would like my water served. Yeah. I'd like it served inside the skull of a Japanese waters demon. Yes. They lurk in water for unsuspecting part passes by and they drag them into the deep. Because this is a dream menu, I will be immune to their charms. Yeah. And the way you, the way you escape from them is you carve your name into a cucumber and you throw it into the water. So I'll have cucumber fizzing cucumber water. The skull of a Japanese water demon, please. That's very appropriate. It tastes good in the water. And it subdues the demon. And it subdues the demon. Absolutely. And your cucumber has your name carved into it. Yes. Is that. You're gonna go full name, Sally Phillips or just Sally? Sally. Sally Elizabeth Phillips. Sally Elizabeth Phillips. It's a long old cucumber. Yeah. Yeah. My dad doesn't like water. No. Really? I feel like there's a punchline. No, that's it. He doesn't like water. He told, he told me that he has to hold his nose when he drinks water. Yeah, he hates it. Can't stand it because it's disgusting. What does it do to his nose? Oh, the smell. It's like he can't smell it. Which I, I mean, I, I question that. If you could even. Yeah. Is he drinking out of the. What is he drinking? What kind of toilet. He's laughing away. Explain why. So that's why he's doing. If I ever catch him doing that, holding his nose. I'm like, dad, I think I know why you don't like water. I've never liked water. And you have to drink it out of this big, this big white thing. I have a question that's diabetes related, but I'm worried it might be ignorant. Go and hit the taboo. We love it. What if one day you had to change your pump and also had to change your fizzy water cartridge at the same time and you got them mixed up. That's not what would happen. You get this question a lot though. Yeah, it's never happened to me, but obviously people think about it. Well, I guess what would happen is my pump would then become my fizzy water dispenser. And anyone who came around to my house would have insulin. Insulin flavored water. Well, they would just be pure insulin. Yeah. So I'd probably murder all my dinner party friends. Why? And in terms of how the pump would then be intravenously pumping fizzy water into my. But it's just the gas cartridge, right? Yeah. You'd be dead. We'd all be dead. Inspector would have to try and piece that together. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good murder mystery, isn't it? Always an accident. Yeah. This guy was hammered. When it was time to change, both things got them mixed up. And then his guests arrived. Yeah. And then everyone drank. I think it'd be a quick murder mystery because you'd be like, right, they all drank this water. There's insulin in it. Yeah. It'd be very niche for all those people who didn't really know what insulin does. Yeah. Because lots of people. But it'd be more. They would have to then figure out how you had died. Because I'd be like, okay, they've all drank this. But this guy. Yeah, he's over here. Doesn't seem to have drunk any of that. But he's. He's dead too. I think what would be the. Probably the big giveaway is that whilst the pump may double up as the CO2 canister and people wouldn't. I would have a huge metallic kind of thing sticking out of my midriff, which the inspector might notice. And also insulin stinks. Insin. Stinks. Yes. Anyone who knows a diabetic smells of hospitals. Yeah. It's really interesting, the reaction that gets. Yeah, it really stinks. Does it? Yeah. Which smells of, like, hospital. It's like very chemical. Ah. But people do like it. I like that smell. People complain about how hospitals smell. I don't get it. I like it. Lots of people smell the instant and go, oh, that makes. That makes me think of a hospital. And then other people like, oh, that makes me think, yes. It depends what your hospital experience was. Yeah. There's good and bad things happen in those. Yeah. Reminds me of my child's birth. That's nice. Yeah, There you go. Reminds me of the time I died. Reminds me of my Brazilian butt lift. We always start with still. The sparkling water. Reece, do you have a preference? Look, I'd like still water. I'm having sparkling. Okay. Really? You can't. You gotta have bubbles in a tux, I'm afraid. You can't walk into a restaurant like this. Yeah. And say. Yeah, just normal tap. Yeah. It would look weird. I'm going sparkling. It would look weird if you were Gonna have both? No. Okay, sold. Everyone else gets it. Dream restaurant can have what you want. Yeah. Suddenly I bet the secret ingredient is bread in this one. By the way, you're desperate to kick me out, especially when I'm wearing this. Funny. Do you want both? Yeah. Little cup of both? Little cup of both. Little cup. Because San Pellegrino, the green glass San Pellegrino bottle. That's a classy. Now, that's a classy bottle. Yes. Tennis. Fair to say what you make of tennis. Fair to say. Tennis. Yeah, it's fair to say. Tennis makes me think of tennis. Okay. But I want a little glass of that to start, and then I want to move on to the still version of San Pellegrino, which I think is called. It begins with P, doesn't it? It's not Pellegrino. It's. It's the orange logo. It's got an orange logo. It's like patter or something like that. Well, I don't think I knew this. I don't think I knew what you would have seen it. White bottle, orange logo. Sorry, not white. Clear. Yeah, water. Water. Wow. White bottle would be meant really playing up to being a little kid who thinks that clear things are. White bottles. Yeah, little white bottles are nice and warm. Pana. Aquapana. Aquapana. Is that the. Oh, so I've seen Aquapana. Is that the same company that is the sister drink of the bubbly? San Pellegrino. Just the drink. There you go. Actually more of an adult than we gave you credit for. You seen water before? Yeah, about the sister drinks. I know about the sister drinks. Yeah, well, we'll let you have some aquapanans of San Pellegrino if you like. Brother and sister. Brother and sister. I love the brother and sister of water. Yeah. What's the mum and dad of water, then? Well, I guess you will be the water daddy in that situation. If you. If you. If you've got. If you've got both, you can call yourself, then I'm the water daddy. You can be like. You can just call yourself the water daddy. Yeah, but then you got to drink your own kids. Yeah. That's weird, right? Would you drink your own kids? We never asked anyone this before. Look, I don't want kids, so I guess so if that's going to get rid of them, no harm, no foul. Oh, you see that as an obliteration of your children. Obliterates the kids. If I'm drinking. Yeah, I'm drinking What? I'm drinking them. To death, presumably. That's true. Yeah. You are drinking them today. They live on through piss. I think they live on through piss, don't they? Piss, I think. I think they're dead by the time they're pissed. Rest in piss. Dead by the time they're pissed. Yeah. Rest in peace. Sorry for stepping on it. It's fantastic. All right. It's out there. It's fantastic. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Kill the kids. Rest in piss. That's a fair description of my relationship with not wanting to be a father. Yeah. Well, the craziest thing I remember about when I moved to the states in 99 when I was 18 for college, the amount of water. The students would be carrying these jugs of water everywhere. And I was like, what is this? Like, why are people drinking so much water? Because growing up, when you're thirsty, you drink water. Yeah. I mean, that's how you. You know. But then if you say that in America, the answer you get all the time that makes you want to pull my eyes out is, well, if you're thirsty, it means you're already dehydrated. And if you want. If you. If you want to hear a story about this, if it makes the podcast or not, but I'll tell you a true story, please. So I get this, like, some special. This lady comes, and she's like this, like, she's draining some lymphatic whatever, and she tells me, look, you're very severely dehydrated, and you need to drink 2 liters of water a day, man. You know, I keep hearing this in America. I'm just going to do it. So I started drinking, like, two liters of water a day, and I'm in. I'm peeing a lot, you know, every hour, whatever, whatever. Second day, I begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. I'm feeling a bit depleted, and I'm feeling like, oh, oh, my God. I have to pee, but I can't pee anymore, and I'm feeling uncomfortable. I call my doctor. I don't know what's going on. He said, what's changed in your life? I said, I've been drinking 2 liters of water a day for the last 48 hours. He says, where are you? I said, I'm home. He's like, okay, can you drive? I'm like, yeah, I'm just a bit tired. He's like, you're coming to the hospital right now. What takes me to the hospital puts me in. Apparently, I drunk so much water that I had gotten rid of every nutrient in my body. Not only that, I also had, like a 0.000001, like, brain swelling because I had so much fluid in my system that my brain. So they had to keep in the hospital for eight hours and give me, like, six IVs. Whoa. That's what I'm saying. And all because I was tired of hearing for 15 years that if you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated. And then that was the final straw, this masseuse. So that's a very long story to tell you. Just be normal, man. Thirsty, drink water. Just be normal. That's wild. Isn't that crazy? And that's a true story. No, I'm not saying don't drink water if you need it. I mean, because I'm not a doctor. But just. I mean, I just didn't understand. Just don't chug water all day suddenly after not, you know, drinking water when you're. Isn't that crazy? That's good. But I love that you led up to the story with. I don't know if this will make the podcast or not. That's. Your brain swelled up. That's making the pot. Yeah. We haven't had anyone with us with a brain. I've never seen you so awake in this podcast. It's, like, mind blowing. I'm going back. I'm going back to hibernation after that. But that was. And that makes so much sense because, you know, there's people who walk around with the big, massive jugs of water. Yes, yes, yes. Whenever I speak to those people, it does seem like their brain swollen a bit. Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah, yeah, they got swollen. I gotta hydrate. Yeah, I gotta. I gotta hijack. You gotta hijack brain swelling. Put that in the accent clip. Can that go in the accent? In the accent? I don't think that should make the podcast. That could. That could hurt someone. Feelings. Oh, well, no, these people don't have feelings and they don't listen. Exactly. Pop out of bread. Pop out of bread. Canal Nia. Papa Bread. Obviously. Papa. I mean, that's. I mean, you can't even. That's not even. That's not a question that would work. We got Cindy V. Coming in this afternoon, and. And she told me off last time because she said, you say poppadom. Poppadoms are bread to people. And you said, you say papada. Bread to people. And then I said to her, I'm gonna do that next time. And that was over a year ago. And then I've never done it. And. Cause she's in next. You know, I'm going to do it in this one. And it just so happens that you grew up in New Delhi. Yeah. So I look like I'm being ultra cool. No, it's like. It. Yeah, exactly. Papa. You got it. Yeah. And you said that's not even a. That's not even a choice, really. Not for me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if a restaurant is offering popper, I'm gonna eat popper. And what kind do you want? Because there's a lot of different kinds. Right. Such a good question. That's a really good question. Have you ever had the. The white airy ones with all the bubbles? The really big. Or you probably had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was one of the ones that Jamie Oliver bought. But like. Yeah, the. The ones that are quite. Just bubbles. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one I love. Yeah, that's. That's great. Yeah. Really good. You don't get them in many places here. No, you don't. Which is a shame because that is really. That really tasty. The one. The one bread that you don't get much of in restaurants outside of India is okay. And I'm telling you this because next time, if you're an Indian restaurant, you should just go to one if they have room. Ali roti. Rumal means handkerchief. And rumali roti is a bread, like an Indian bread, like naan cooked in utnur, but it's like a handkerchief, thin. Wow. And they fold it up and it's the greatest bread, Indian bread, you'll ever have in your life. So if there is a restaurant, I'm trying to think who does it in London, but I'll send you guys an email and you should go, rumali. Rumali Roti. Roti means bread. Yeah, yeah, rumali. So we should. If we go to an Indian restaurant, ask rumali roti. Don't accidentally just ask for rumali because they'll just bring us a handkerchief. Yes, well, if you. Rumal. Yeah. If you go see rumali. Here's a. Here's a. Why do all. So when you go to a restaurant in London, a lot of people are wearing navy blue pants and navy blue jacket. Right. That's standard. That's not enough. That's not funny. That's just. That's just normal. That's funny to us. Yeah. That's something you've noticed. Yeah. When people notice stuff about the uk, you don't live here. It's funny because we don't notice that. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying everyone, like, if you're in the city and you go to lunch, but they give you white napkins. Yeah. And white napkins give white linen on blue suits. So I never understood why more restaurants don't have black napkins. You ever thought about it? I've never thought about it, but I'm 100 on board of it immediately. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Yeah. I would much rather that now the white napkins give you white linen on blue pants. Yeah, yeah. But then if you get something on your napkin, people can see how messy you are. Or mucky pup you are. That's true. So what's the word you said? Mucky pup. A lucky pup. A mucky pup. Mucky pup. Yeah. Oh, like you. You're mucky. Like you're a little doggy. A little. A little baby dog. A little baby that's been rolling around in the muddy baby dog. Or a pup that is rolling around in muck. Yeah, yeah. Mucky puppy. That's not. Is that like a real. Yeah, that's a phrase. That's a real phrase. Okay. That's not just something you made up for the podcast. No, no, no. That is a phrase. Mucky pup. Mucky pup. Yeah. In what context can I use it? So that I'm not in trouble? But also, it sounds cool. If you spill something on yourself, go, oh, I'm such a mucky pup. See, it sounds nice in your accent if I say, oh, I'm such a mucky pup. It sounds a bit weird. I think that sounds nicer. I'm a mucky pup. Yeah. I like it sounds kind of sexual. I'm a mucky pup. Well, that is also, like, be careful in the context you use it. If you're heading down to, like, a pride parade. That's also, like a subsection. Is it the pups? I don't know this. Yeah, the guys who dress in the. The dog masks. What? Oh, good on them. Yeah, it's like a set. There's. I think there's a whole separate parade in London Pride. Yeah, yeah. And they get. They can get mucky. I suppose. They can't. Yeah, this is definitely off topic. It's off topic for sure. But yeah, the. The white napkin people can see quite how messy you are. What a mucky pup you are. And a black napkin. They can't see. They can't see. No one can see anything. Okay, well, that's just. I just had to get it off my chest. I agree with you that it should. Maybe each restaurant should just Have a range of napkins, and they can bring them out and match them to your. Your trousers. Yeah. So whatever what you're wearing, whatever suit you're wearing or dress or whatever. They can, like, put the napkin on until they get one that matches, then go. There you go. You can. I would be. I would be on board for that. That's nice. Yeah, that would be really nice. There would be, like, a napkin Sommelier. Yeah, it feels. That's just around the corner. Surely. That's definitely gonna happen. That's right up there with Lucky Pup. Next, garage band Mucky Pop. Could be the name of the napkin restaurant where you get the napkin. Sommelier. Monkey Pop. You know who I would love to be a napkin? So many. Billy Porter. Billy Porter. By the way, also in Christmas Karma. And a great actor. Yes, Fantastic actor. I've shared a screen with Billy Porter, of course. Well, you haven't really. Yeah. I acted to a tennis ball, and then Billy Porter acted to a different tennis ball, and then they put it together. That's great. I'm gonna go home and watch that scene. Yeah. Cinderella. You should. I mean, that scene. You'll want to watch the whole film. Okay. That's great. Yeah, yeah. It'd be impossible not to send me the time stamp where it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You got it. It's a great thing. We always start with still a sparkling water. Rod Gilbert. Well, do you have a preference? Sparkling. Oh. Oh. A lot of hate for sparkling tonight. Some nice cheers at the beginning, then it just morphed into a boom. Yeah. That was a very few. Stay with me. Yeah. They'll be on the six. Like any comedian, I'm. All I'm hearing really is the booze, you know, I. No sparkling, definitely. Partly because. And those of you who booed. Right. This will get you back. This is one in your eye. Boers. Partly because. And it's not really. I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years. In fact, sorry to bring Sean in it. Me and Sean have got a song about it. Get ready, Sean. Yeah. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything's disgusting. Right. When you got cancer in this area and you're having the treatment radio, everything was disgusting. I couldn't drink. Water is disgusting. Tea, Everything's disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through all things sparkling. So, Lucozade, sparkling water. I could still drink that. Nothing else, really. How are you feeling? If you booed right now. Yeah, yeah. Sparkling water saved my life when I had Throat cancer. Give us a boo. But years before that, it was only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me that we have a song about it. Well, you're gonna have not doing that now. I mean, this is. I mean. I mean, this is like. This is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share, really. And I think this is essentially why me and Sean are together. Sean, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus? You can't make Sean sing. Are you okay to do that? Give her a mic. Yeah, give her a mic. She'll try. She said she'll try. We're gonna try. Charlie's got a mic. Where is Sean? Where Shani? Oh, good, she's there. I thought she was up there for a second. This is. This is. That is not your wife. What the has happened? This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with. With my wife. Thank you, Sean. I thought for a second there I had tumbled through the multiverse and not known it. I'm in a different universe where Rod Gilbert. A different wife. All right. Okay. Can we hear you, Sean? Hi, guys. Sorry about this, Sean. That's fine. All right, I'm going to do the verse. Oh, my God. So this is the Sparkling Water song. No pressure on this, Sean, but this is the kind of stuff. Stuff Benito usually clips up for the best off at the end of the year. This may be the kind of stuff. I promise you this will not be the stuff. Ready, Sean? Yes. She doesn't sound happy, Rod. Do you remember the words? I didn't know there was a verse. I'm using the word verse very loosely. Okay, but I'll get you. You'll know when to come in. All right? Right. Okay. Follow me for the challenges. No, no. Prep Done beforehand. Knew that we were going to ask him what water he wanted. Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10, 15 years. Can you remember how it started, this song? Like, in terms of who came up with it? No, I can't remember how or where it started. No, but. But there are other people I could ring and we could put them on and they'd do it as well. Wow. It's not just a thing with acid. How big does the song start? I can't look at you while I do it. I can't look at you. I'll go behind the lamp. Go behind the lamp. Oh, get in the lamp. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it? Just a bit. Here we go. That's all it is. That's what it is. Wow. What do you reckon? Whole audience? Just your standard verse, chorus structure. That is it. Fizzy water. It is good. It's good. Fifteen years we've been doing that. A fizzy water. I love that song. And as we know, that was Christmas number one, James. It was drinks. We don't just offer H2O in the dream restaurant. Every guest gets to pick their dream drink too. And sometimes that drink is multiple glasses of white wine. Let's listen to Joanne McNally, Stevie Martin, Daisy Ridley and Sally Phillips. And a huge. Am I getting ahead of myself? No. And a huge Pinot Grigio. Ice cold. Yeah, Huge. Huge. We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No, no. You can pair every course of a drink if you want. So Peanut. Peanuthile specifically refers to Pinot Grigio. Yes. Yeah. I feel like you should do a bit at the top. Just explaining that just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up. Yeah. There'll be no Pinot Noir. Fine. I won't come to you. What about Pinot Grigio do you love so much the tast? Like, I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smells. I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Uhhuh. Like, I don't really complain because about stuff. Cuz I. I wouldn't read. Like I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there. I don't really care. I really don't. But the only thing I will send back is if the wine. If I. If the wine's not warm. Sorry. If the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back. I'm like practically a Somalia. I'm like, that's kind of room temperature. And they'll give me another one. It should really be closer to room temperature than you think. If you want to taste it properly. Yeah. But you. Listen, I'm just. I'm just had a course of wheelies. I clearly don't get a. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Are you? So obviously when. When you did the. The last show, the Prosecco sold very well with. With the audience. Yeah. Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grigio industry? To raise awareness for Pinot Grigio. Yeah. To sell it as much as you did. I mean, you'd love to have your own line. I had a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week. Oh. And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, whose fault is that? Like, if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express. Like, we would tell the venue, in fairness to my agents, they were ringing because I would. I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going, they're out of Prosecco. They're out of glasses. And I'm like, it's carnage out there. So I was saying to my agent, please ring ahead and make sure they know. And then they would ring ahead and the venue would be like, oh, yeah, don't worry, it's all taken. And the same thing would happen again. I was like, don't underestimate those women. I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show. Yeah. Now I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago. Wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much. That wasn't ours. It was my. It was. Thank you. Dweebs keep coming to see us. They ran out of Sudoku or something. We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after. Oh, yeah. And. And he said, yeah, your audience drink. Yeah. It'd be all these, like. He said all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening, come out the theater looking the complete or just absolutely shit face. I know. I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes because I have to remind myself it's not my night out. Yeah. Like, when I first started, like, I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't. Like, a drink on stage is fine. But it's not my. It's not my night out. Like, I'm actually there to work. Sometimes they just. I don't know. I just. I just love that kind of girls night out vibe. I just want to kind of crowd surf and get involved. Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out after. I just go to wherever they were. What's the audience? Yeah. With the audience. Yeah. Well, like, not that they weren't. It's not like they were going out en masse. Yeah. But like, if women would text and like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door. I'm like, okay, there you go. Yeah. Was it not weird? Were they not like. Like, you Know, talking to you about your comedy all the time. And it was a bit of a divide. Not for. No re. This was back. It was. There were smaller rooms. Yeah. But no, it was just like, there's juman. There was no real. There's no. There was no divide at all. Yeah, we just go drink one of the pub. Yeah, but you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many, how many dates did you do of that last show? I don't know. It. It's loads, though. It was a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a fair. It was two years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's shitloads. That's shitloads. That's. Yes. Yeah. At some stage, I had to kind of be like, okay, this is a job now. Yeah. You know, can't be drinking with the audience. But I can tell you, I. Jesus. I really, like, really. I can, I can go. I can go. Even I was like, wow, I'm going again. It's crazy. And I feel great. I look, because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that, like, the balls of us. I would just go. And I think it was only once or twice in the tour that I was like. I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like, I really. I was like, you know yourself, you're like 12 shows in rows. I don't think I can. And we didn't. We never once changed anything. I just kept doing them. You know yourself, the adrenaline, you just kind of come alive. I was saying. So sorry. When you're saying like, I can go. I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the shows. I was, yes. That is what I meant. Yeah. Yeah. But then it was what you meant, just to enjoy the show. I enjoy the balls of the. Doing a show so much that you're able to then. Yeah, I just don't care. Yeah, I. I have. I don't really get hangovers or anything. I don't know. I'm like a cockroach. It's weird, but. Yeah, they get worse as you get older. I'm 41, James. I mean. Okay, fair enough. You know what I mean? Bring me another argument. I didn't know you were 41. Yeah, okay, well, I can't tell you that. I. I just. As a 40 year old told a 41 year old, hey, yeah, it was gonna get worse, believe me. It's weird. It's like they're. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Is it. Is it. I've built up an immunity. I don't know. There's very little consequences even. But, yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a rep for drinking. But, like, even amongst my own people, I'm like. I'm a. I'm pretty. Yeah. I can go. Yeah. I don't know how else to describe us. Are you gonna do your own pinot for this tour? Well, you imagine selling your own. Selling out of your own booze at every venue. But you know what the problem there is because I have a. Someone who kind of. I don't. I have no business savvy, really, at all. I'm just. I don't think about stuff like that. But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea. It can taste like toilet. I wouldn't give a. Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it. Sure. They want to sell their own biz. Of course. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Let you do that. Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flock my own booze. They were like, you chief bastards. So. No. No merch. But you could sell it to them, you know, to the venues. Yeah. Really? I'm sure. I'm sure you're. There's a way of doing it. Yeah. This is me talking as if I have any business acumen. They'll find a way of ripping you off. You can send it on your website. Surely you could be selling booze, but, like, what caliber of wine would it. Like, what does it matter? You're putting ice in it. Yeah. Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great? Sorry, I don't put ice in wine. Okay, well, you're having it super cold. Super cold. But I won't put ice in wine. I think it's a disgrace. Yeah. Oh, okay. Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Muhammad. Yeah. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine? It was a prize. I saw the whole series. It was a pro. It was a. Do you remember there we had to do. To bring in something you can get into. So that could be like maybe a hobby or. Obviously, because I have no imagination. Brought in a sleeping bag. But it was. It was. It was designed like to. Tootin came in. That was kind of my thing. So I was like, how cool would it be to get into Tootin Cammy's team anyway? Yeah. Greg wasn't a fun. Yeah. Last. At one point I think next was one point, to be fair. He's like the sweetest man ever and he's. He's just so innocent or something. But he brought in the photo and, like, bearing in mind the production. Have to agree, like, I brought in stuff that they were like, you know yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really gonna work. So they obviously saw this and they were like, yeah, go for it. And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in. And it came up on the screen and we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know you can add ice to wine? And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack? He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous. Someone had told him he could do it and he never knew it. He didn't think anyone else knew you could do it. It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine was his pride. And he said it so proudly, didn't he? It was like he'd. It was like he'd, like invented black holes or something. It was like. It was like, did you know you could time travel? It was very funny. But no, I don't put ice in wine. Don't agree with it. When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape. Frozen grape. Yeah, a frozen grape into a glass of lemonade. Lemonade or something. He calls it summer cocktail. Of course he does. I've only recently got into sparkling. Same time as the crisp. My God, yes. Yeah. Wow. You're having quite the year. I'm having a massive gastronomical year and I've got into it. But I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water. It's still got that, like, aftertaste. So I'd quite like, I suppose flat, sparkling. Sparkling water's been there for a while, so it's not so, like, edgy. Right. Quite spiky. That's kind of mad, isn't it, that when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water. Like, what are they. What are they putting in there? Whatever they use to carbonate it is still floating around in there. Dead. Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas, CO2, carbon dioxide, just floating around in water. That's what you want. That's what I want. I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode for someone's menu. Okay, okay. No one has managed to make the watercourse sound disgusting yet. And this is the first time. Have you had flat? I really don't like it. Okay. I don't like the flat. Flat. The flat fizzy water. I don't mind it. Okay, great. I actually prefer. There's some still sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer. Let's try after. Yeah. So I want a list of baqua, badwa, badua, not bakwa, because that's short for backwash probably, isn't it? Badua, Badua. Okay, I'll have that then. Yeah, yeah, have that. You want that less gas. No, no, no. You're getting your flat sparkling water. That's what you're getting for your dream mill. Yeah, I do want that. Yeah, yeah, that's what you have. Thank you. And also that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William Shakespeare or whatever. Oh, my God. Sparkling one would blow his mind. It was. It would then allow everyone else to partake. Yeah. Because they wouldn't like the water was slightly off, but they wouldn't quite know why. It tastes like gone off water. That's what it is. You know when a hummus goes quite lemony and you're like, yeah, I still will. But like. And you want that gone off water. Well, you haven't asked me about my side dish yet. But it will be gone off on us. It's quite, quite. It's quite nice when it's lemony. Sometimes I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off a bit. But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off. I think. Well, yeah, it's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on. That's so true. Yes. Still sparkling dips. Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat? Because I do like it when, like, you know, colas go flat. Stuff like that. I like that. I like that as well. I used to work in a bar in the. When the thing would be off and everyone be like, oh, the syrup. It's just syrup. That'd be a drink. Just the syrup. Just the syrup. With red wine. That was very quick. Yeah. It's called a calamacho. It's fizzy. Yeah. It's not the syrup. No. Calamacho is half and half. Yeah. Coke and red wine. Yeah, yeah. So I just do that with a little bit less syrup. You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso, but you're doing it with the coke. It's like an espresso wine teeny you heard it here. An instead of espresso wine. Teeny. It's got nothing to do with espresso. The wine's in there. Yeah, that's fine. I used to drink uni. Bailey's and Coke, mix it up. Tastes like cake mix. Looks like vomit. Yeah, it doesn't Bailey's curdle, won't it? Oh, terribly. Yeah. So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs that look, I've been sick in my own glass. You were ordering that at clubs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions. Whereas in clubs, like next one, Next one they'd be like, what? Oh, yeah, okay, fine. And they wouldn't have judgment. So you can't order anything. And after the first time you did, they knew exactly what you were going to do. Here she fucking comes. Yeah. Trying to understand why your husband only eats for fuel. Now about Juicy. These things constantly. I'm alright. I just need to survive. Thank you. Yeah, I think there's a. I have a lot of combination. There's been. He did ask me if I could stop eating. So I used to have like. Not all the time, just occasionally like kidney beans in a can, drain them and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork. And he was like, can you stop? Just Cat, please, can you stop or eat it in another room? So we were in like a studio flat for a while so that I couldn't eat that and then, then we've moved into a slight like a two bed. So then I'm able to take it to my bedroom. You've got your bean and mayonnaise room. Yeah, yeah. I think that only happens like twice a year. Yeah. And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose in terms of hangover food. Kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst. That would make me feel. That would knock me even sicker. Would make you feel sick. But the actual reality of it, like with most things is much better than you think. Your dream drink. Oh my gosh. You know what? I'd go for a lychee martini. Oh, lovely. Yeah. But quite a sweet one. Not too out of it. I think we have our answer to who's playing Bond. Just a sweet martini, cherry. Quite sweet. No, I went because I. I am a fan of a lychee martini occasionally. And then I went to. I'm not gonna remember the name of it? Of course not. I went to somewhere very fancy in LA for a drink with my team and I asked for a lychee martini. And it was so strong, I took one sip and I don't drink very much. I was off my daughters. It was intense. So I would really err on the sweet, not too alcoholic side. Drinks are strong in America, so, I mean, it was. It was a martini with a touch of, you know. But any drinks are just like. They're just free pouring and then putting a tiny bit of mixture in. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I take that over the sweet ones, but I get. Oh, really? Yeah. Is there a lychee popped in there? Yeah, yeah. Always bobbing around, popping them out. Yeah. And then I'd go for a. Because I'm allergic to wine. So I don't go for a wine, but I'd always go for a dessert wine because for whatever reason, I think the sugar content cancels out the. What are you allergic to in the wine? Basically, the last time I had wine, I was so, so, so sick out of a cab, but I hadn't drunk that much that the only answer was, I'm allergic to wine. Because it had happened previously at a charitable dinner. So sick. So sick. And then weirdly, like a hangover the next day, but an emotional one for a number of days. Yeah, it was horrible, but I think higher sugar content and things sort of cancels that out. So dessert wine, I'm okay with. Will. There'd be. Yeah, I guess slightly lower alcohol as well, but. Yeah. What? What? Is there a particular dessert wine that you're into? I mean, Tokai. God, I've actually remembered something. A Tokai or a Sauterne. Yeah. Or the Elysium. Oh, no, I don't know. It's a. It's a little screw top. It's delicious. If you were Bond. Yeah. I mean, I assume you'd say yes if they offered it to you. This is so funny. Sure, sure. Yeah. I am Bond. Surprise, surprise. Yeah. That question. Would you say yes if they offered it to you? Is absolutely. And I don't even mean it like this, but that is the most clickbait journalist question you could possibly ask. Is it? Yeah. Would you say yes to Bond if they offered it to you? Off my new podcast, Daisy Ridley says that she would love to be Bond. Oh, exclusive. I wasn't trying to get you exclusive from the podcast. Yeah, I am Bond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you do it? Would you want to make some little alterations to it? Have a lychee martini? Maybe change some of the catchphrases, you know, do things differently. He's saying that we couldn't have a lady Bond who has a normal. Martinis. Elderflower martini. Elderflower. Sparkling elderflower. Yeah, you could say elderflower martini for the ladies. Have you ever seen Operation Mincemeat? Yes. Oh, it's fantastic. You know, they have the running gag with him trying to sell James Bond. Yes. Oh, it's so good. Excellent show. It's a very, very good. Yeah, I've actually been a number of times. James, you haven't seen it, huh? Yeah, yeah. Even that. I watch it most nights. This troop of friends did. Oh, it's just one of those amazing stories. My management produce it, so. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's what. That's what the person wanted to talk to. I'd really love to get to Operation Mincemeat. Tell Gumball you can come. I'd love to be. Okay. Well, now that you've met. Now that you've made it that. That I'm changing Bond because of the gender thing that we can't. Can't. Can't do that anymore. What do you mean? Well, what. Have fun with the lychee martini, Fig. Build a new bond. Yeah, well, we can do that. No, I can't any other. Would you. Would you change the catchphrases or would you change the. Why because she's a lady? It doesn't know. It doesn't work as much as you going, would you have a martini or would you have a lychee martini? Would you change the catchphrases? Dana. Oh, my goodness. This is so ridiculous. You don't have to answer if you think it's going to become clickbait. I'm worried about that now. I think the. There was the conversation previous about Jesus in the desert. I feel like that's more. That's on us. Yeah, that's on us. If they offered you the part of Jesus, would you take it? Would you play Jesus? Okay, you got three options. You can play either Jesus. They're all filming at the same time. Yeah. Jesus James. Or Jesus this Bond. Or. Oh, why does I say free option? So what's in this cocktail? What? You? What? What. What sort of boo. Do you know booze? Or is it. I don't even need to know. I mean, I'm really happy for, like, homemade. I mean, this stuff. We served it. The midsummer thing was lethal. Yeah. It was bright colors. Yeah. Flavor Fred's own alcohol. Apart from there's a lot of, like, poisonings. I Read people by Flavor Fred. No, no, no, not by him. He knows what's poisonous, what isn't. Yeah, but like there's a. It's called fake alcohol, but it's not fake. It is alcoholic people brewing their own alcohol. Yeah. And making it out of different things. And this, it's. It's an increase in poisonings from fake alcohol. I follow a lot of Instagram accounts who make all sorts of stuff. You make like wine out of Mountain Dew and stuff. What, and do. Yeah, there's a mead guy. I follow a mead guy. Wow. He makes different. What does he look like? You never see him. I love that. I love that. He makes loads of different things from honey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he'll make loads of different flavors and stuff and occasionally do like Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper. Yeah. I love the idea of having. Have you seen those beautiful copper gin like things? The stills? Yeah, yeah. What are they called? Gin stills. I think gin stills, I think you call them that. Yeah. I mean, I'm. I can't hold my drink at all, but in this world I can. Yeah. And in this world, as well as having a forest full of edible flowers and all the rest of it, I would have a whole cellar full of gin stills. This is beautiful, isn't it? Like a whole. I just love to say, come, this is. Welcome to my house, we can have dinner. This is the. This is the gin room. This is the gin room. Great, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. You should have a gin room. Yeah. Everyone should have a gin room. Yeah. So in this cocktail, you don't want to know what's in it, you just want to drink it. And. Yeah. I'd like it to be an entirely new alcohol made from a surprising non poisonous ingredient that is delicious. And it's got glitter in it. Yeah. I'm just joking about the glitter. You know what, I was in Duty Free thinking, coming back from Australia thinking, what shall I get for people? And they had a lot of alcohols that change color when you pour them and things like that. And I looked at it and I thought, oh, that's great. And I thought, oh, no, that's not great. That's. I'm too old. I'm too old for fun alcohol. Yeah, yeah. Seriously, it's a thing, isn't it? It's like, I've not heard of alcohol that changes color when you pour it. Nor did I. You know, weird. And it had glitter in and all the rest of it. And I was like, no, awful. I don't want any of that. Stuff. I want it to taste nice. Exactly. And, and, and also be a nice color, to be honest. That matters to me. Sure. I remember gold. Gold schlager used to come up quite a lot in my, in my youth when I started drinking gold schlager. What's that? It's like lager with gold. No, no, it's not lager. It's like a very strong spirit but with flakes. Flakes of gold in it. Oh, yes. No, I remember that. Yeah, I do remember that. I remember that from Superbad. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. The. The girl that he fancies wants a. Wants him to get that vodka that has gold flakes in it. Yeah. So it's very important that he gets that for the party. Yeah. It's such a gross idea. Needs to be something that puts you in a good mood though. I remember like one of the drinks I most appreciated ever was someone bringing a bottle of espresso martini to PTA drinks. Completely transformed the evening. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Who was it who bought the. Was it a parent or a teacher? Yeah. Parent or the parent? Parent got messy. PTA got messy. Is that the one? Is that like parents evening where you have to go and speak to all the teachers individually? Ye. Yeah. But racing through those meetings, it was like when the parent group and the teacher group, they talk about how the parents can help the school. Right. And raise money and they can. Yeah. Do the reading with the 5 year olds and all of that and you're just all completely off your head going, no, it's not our job, guys. Yeah. Nick is on the roof. 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Let's hear all about food from Santiago Lustra, Anthony Perovski, Carey Mulligan, George Egg, John early, and James Nor. So you have these lambs that you cook in the cross, like a Patagonian style. And, and you make a bonfire. You open the lamb so it's like nice and tight in the cross and then you just salt it. Like, you put loads of salt in it. You rub it for like, like about two, three hours and then just leave it. And then after that you made a bonfire. And then you, you basically stick the cross close to the bonfire so the lamb starts cooking really slowly, first from the inside, and then you flip it to make the skin crispy. And while you're cooking it, you make a mix of like chopped garlic, water, lime juice, and maybe some herbs like thyme or rosemary. And then you can put it like in a, literally in like a plastic bottle or like just like a squeeze bottle or whatever. And then just kind of squeeze the, spray it with that. That while you're cooking it. So it takes around three hours to cook, three and a half hours or something like that. So while you're having your starters and you know, like having some sparkling still water and having a laugh or something, you're cooking that. And then when it's ready, what you do is to pull the meat out of the lab. And then I was laughing because Ed just slumped forward. Like, just like I literally thought Ed's entire microphone was gonna go down his throat and into his tummy. Like, like he just like it was too much for him. As soon as you mind pulling the lamb, he said you pull the lamb. He's like, you know, when the lamb is ready, yeah, you press the skin. So when, when it's already crispy, you press it and you feel, you hear the crackling. But also all the juices are like dripping down. Like. Yeah. And so then when you, when you pull it out, then you can literally just, just squeeze the piece of meat and will be like, lots of, lots of juice, you know, so it's amazing. Anyways, that's, that's like the main thing. And then you can have like some fresh tortillas to make your own tacos of lamb. In Mexico, normally you will have like a piece of wood, like chopping board, you know, and then with like a big cleaver and then you. I will put the lamb and then just pull the meat out and then just chop it with a cleaver, like. Yeah. And then have. Have like different sides that you, you can decide, you know, because I don't know who am I with? Are we together having? Whoever. It's up to you. It's your dream. It's your dream slash last meal. Yeah. You're about to die, remember? We're not going to be offended if we're not there, you know. No, it just depends, you know, because some people. It's the best meal I've ever had and he's just hearing about it. So depends, you know, who. But you can, you can have mashed potatoes or you can just do like tacos with it or you can have it like as a bankers with like some roasted braised purple cabbage and mashed potatoes and like a, like a lamb sauce. Or you could have like a more Mexican thing, just like tacos of lamb. So. Yeah. So that's the main course. Incredible. Have you ever buried a lamb? What? Have you ever like dug a pit? All right, fire in there and then let it go out a bit and put some damp hay on there and then put the lamb in them and bury it and then cooked it that way. Yeah, yeah, it's barbacoa. So that's a different thing. Yeah. So then for that one, you have to break down the lamb first. So you just separate by, by, by different parts. And then there's two different styles in, in Mexico, birria and barbacoa. So with the birria you have to do like a chili paste, like with different chilies and like maybe tomato, garlic, onion. You blend that into like paste, like a marinade. And then you marinate the lamb with it. And then you Normally in Mexico we wrap it with agave leaves. So like burned agave leaves, it looks like like aloe vera, but like really big. And then you wrap the lamb with that and then underneath you put a pot and like a steaming tray. So then all the juices from the lamb and the agave drip into the water underneath, so it becomes a broth. So you will normally have that. And then you cook that with stones. You put wood, then stones. Then with the wood the fire consumes. Then the stones are really hot so it can keep the heat. And then you close that down with leaves and Soil. So then it becomes like some sort of pressure cooker, and it cooks for a long time. And then you have that in the morning. So you have breakfast. You just like normally in the fields. So you just open that up, take the lamb out, and then you have people doing tortillas in there in the side, and then you just have that as a breakfast with the broth in the side, know. Yeah. Of the juices, you know, so that's barbakoa. So that's how you do it. Yeah, that's be. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of steps in that that I think a friend of ours didn't do. Yeah. Really? Yeah. And that might be why his lamb came out raw. Like as raw as when him and his best friend did it in Soft Touch his garden. Yeah. Oh, let me know. I can. I can go next time and just do it. Yeah, well, I think. Yeah, I'll. We'll let him know. No, it's good. Like, if. If any. Like one of those things I like to go, you know, like, it's good to do it, you know, like, it's not. You normally don't have, like, a big whole lamp. Yeah. And like, a lot of people. Well, so it's good to do it, you know. Yeah, exactly. It's just not something that you do every day. Like, in Mexico, the restaurants will have, like, a backyard underground oven, some restaurants, and they will do the lamb there, but we don't have that here. We can't dig holes in Maryland, unfortunately. But I also like the sound of this Jesus lamb. Yeah, I like that one. I just. I just think this easier. Yeah. And also I like the roasted flavor of the skin. Like the. The caramelization that you don't get when the lamb is cooked under the ground. You don't get that because it's steamed. I mean, it's still really delicious, but you don't get this roasted flavor. I rather. The roasted flavor. It's also. When you're describing it, and. And, you know, obviously I just got my friend here next to me, like, flopping his body all over the place and drooling all over the shop and it's the whole thing. But like, when you were saying about you had it there for a long time and you can go up and then just pull the meat and you test it and stuff. The bit in the Jesus crucifixion story that has never really made sense to me is that the Roman centurion goes over to him at the end just to check that he's Dead. He sticks a spear in his side and does that. And it sounds like quite a similar thing. Thing. I was like. They're like, right, I think he's done now. And he goes over and just puts a spare in him. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. He's done. That's all the juices coming down. Yeah. I'm not sure about that. As a kid, I was always like, I don't get why they're doing that. Surely they know. Yeah. But the ladders know if they've done the job or not. Why is the centurion going, Santiago makes a good point. The lamb is dead already. Before you put on. You're not checking to see if it's dead or not. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're checking if it's cooked or not. You know, like, if he's cooking to perfection. Please never do this because you are going to get a live lamb, put it on a crucifix. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that. Yes. And then check if it's dead or not before serving it raw. It takes about 10 minutes for the world. You need to get it dead first. That's important. Hard to get a. Yeah, but I think. I wasn't specific about that. Yeah, yeah. The lamb was dead and had a good debt before he was marinated with the sword. Yeah. When you do it specific, do you put two other criminal lambs either side? Two criminals. That's very important. Depends how many guests comes. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, I think one lamb is enough for, like, 12 people. 12 people disciples. The Last Supper. It is the last supper. It is our last. Yeah, There we go. We need more people. This is good. Great. How do you do a side disk to a charcuterie board? Yeah. Doesn't matter. Do you forget who we were speaking to? I clearly chose cheese and meat as, like, my main course. There wasn't a single vegetable listed there. And I'm promoting health and wellness on Queer Eyes. So we've clearly gone left field here. All right. So my mind went. My mind just kind of did, like. Do you watch Severance? Yes. I just kind of split into two. One side of me is like. I don't know why I keep going to, like. This would be my last meal. So I'm like. Like, I'm. I'm a little slut for caviar. I'm sorry. I. I'm not sorry about it. We had it as kids. My parents would bring it from Poland. It was a lot cheaper. I know it's an elitist thing, but having that over soft scrambled eggs or a tub of that over ice with some, like, perfect, like, Kettle Crisps, so they can carry it with a bit of creme fraiche and a bit of, like, finely diced chives. And then there's the other side of me that wants, like, the best Mac and cheese ever. So, you know a thing called Hamburger Helper? You know what? I've heard it so much on TV shows and in films, I still don't know what it is. It's like an instant boxed Mac and cheese. You add your ground meat, and Americans decided, yeah, we're gonna call that a meal. And I was denied that kind of food growing up because my parents ate really well, so we weren't allowed to have, like, trashy food. And so one of my favorite things to do on a Sunday, or if I'm visiting, like, friends of mine. And, like, Sunday's, like, my day where I just. Like, it's like, no holds barred. Like, I eat whatever the hell I want. I don't work out. Like, it's very. It's like, a lazy day. And to make a vat of Mac and cheese using all my favorite chees, cheese is cavatappi pasta or a bow tie every once in a while, depending on, like. And then throwing in, like, ground beef or even, like, bison or lamb or ground turkey. And just having that bake with, like, that crispy. Like, those crispy edges when they get browned, and you get to, like, peel them off because it's one of those things, like your lasagna. Third time we mention it. You have it when it's warm, but then you go back and you have it cold. Yeah, it's so good. It's so good. Especially when it goes from, like, really hot, because I can't help myself, and I end up burning my mouth. When you eat it when it's colder, you actually taste it a lot better. Right? Like, some of the flavors are more pronounced, I think. Could you combine these two? Could you put caviar on the Mac and cheese? Is that insane? Everyone's dumping caviar on everything these days. Honestly, it's, like, it's not for me. Like, I don't think caviar should be warmed up. It should be eaten as cold as possible. Even though I put it on soft scrambled eggs sometimes. No, I keep. It's. For me, it's church and state. Like, keep both of those separate. The caviar thing, it just seems to be, like, a status thing now. It's like gold. That's why I was embarrassed. Yeah, it's like gold flakes. Gold flakes piss me off. Sorry. Gold miners. No, but it's just so useless because it doesn't taste like anything. It's so performative. It's so dumb. It's for the picture. Exactly. And caviar is something that's so delicious and luxe and oceanic and it's, like, creamy when it's done right. And I mean, even salmon roe, if you want the cheaper stuff with some sticky rice. I love salmon roll, egg, and some uni. Wrap it up in some toasted nori. So for the Mac and cheese. Yeah, sorry, back to the topic. Which meat are you going for in there for your dream, your dream meal, what would you like? The meat that's mixed in. Yeah. Some good quality ground beef. Like a 70 to 80, 80 to 20 ratio. It's got to be fatty enough so you can actually taste it, brown it. I just. I love ground beef, like, as much as I. I love a tomahawk. I love having a good steak with my dad. It's like our ritual when I go visit him. A beautiful, like, pork chop is delicious when it's still pink in the inside, but. Or duck, but ground beef for me is like. It's such joy. It's a burger. It's what I use when I make, like, a lazy Bolognese during the week. And I want to, like, don't want to spend the whole day in the kitchen. It's just the texture of it is. It's what I use for meatloaf. Like, it's just ground meat is the best. If we're going for the caviar option, is it with the. The crisp, the potato chips, if you will. Crisps, potato chips just kind of dipped in. I don't want flavors. There's a French brand called Breton B R E T O N, which is very prevalent here. It's hard to find in the US Those are really good. The ridgy ones. They have to be solid. Lays are very good, but they're so thin that sometimes when you put it into the caviar, they just break apart, you know? Wow. First world problems. Don't you hate it when your chip breaks in caviar? I mean, that should be the name of this podcast, to be fair. So there's a, you know, know, trigger warning at the top of every episode. That's world problems, problems. We're about to complain. No, but you know what I mean. Like, you want them to be, like, sturdy enough to like carry. And I love a fresh Bleeni, but the crunch of the salt on salt, it goes nicely. We did it with Pringles on Christmas Eve. I. I'd with that. Yeah, it was really good. But that is. You can't be dipping you're spoon well unless you take two or three of them. Yeah. Pringles are the most satisfying. When you take 10 of them, you put them in and it's that crunch. Oh, yeah, that is good idea. The tin is so satisfying. Have we not talked about that on the podcast yet? Crunch in multiple Pringles. Yeah. Do you want to know something random? That was just an intrusive thought in my brain and I started speaking, so I guess I will. You want to know when I learned that I was going through puberty? Yes, I do. That was not when I remember putting my hand into a tin of Pringles and it didn't fit and I was like, whoa. I'm like becoming a big boy. Yeah. Yeah. I've never thought of that before, but I just remembered that thought of becoming a big boy. Isn't that weird? I had a really. I don't think I was a big boy, but yeah, sorry, go ahead. Thing. While I was going through puberty and. Go on. My dicks wouldn't go. I knew it. I knew it. Careful, ladies. So every time you have Pringles, do you think about that moment? I don't, but it literally just hit me now when you described having them. From now on, every time you have Pringles, you're going to think about when you realize you were going through puberty. Yeah. And I hope all of your lovely viewers try think about when they first hit puberty and like, what that felt like. Get in contact. Send Benito an email. When did you first go through publishing? Puberty. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Every single detail, please. Thank you so much. I realized I was going through puberty when I looked in the mirror and I had a mustache. Like the Pringles man. Yeah. Yes. So the Pringles man standing back at you. It's like five hairs. Yeah. Julius Pringles. One of the first bits of material when I started doing stand up was a. A bit that I thought was relatable about, like, I'd say, hey, everyone, do you remember when you were in school and you didn't have pubes yet, but you told everyone that you did, and there's just absolutely silence in the. Well, I guess that's that. I guess that's not a relatable. The first draft to the Writing table. No, no. Lied about pubes. You got to try. You got to try these things. Yeah. That's what the open mic circuits for. I will eat now and again. I'll be eating peanut butter with a spoon. I'll definitely take a little. Do you know what I like to do is get a teaspoon peanut butter and then dip it in jam. Jam, that's nice on a teaspoon. Just peanut butter and jam. Yeah, that's great. Now and again I'll do square of chocolate. Yeah. Spoonful of peanut butter. Straight on top date Medjool date peanut butter inside. It's like a Snickers. That's fancy. If you haven't had a Snickers in a long time. Never had a Sn. Yeah, if. Snip. If for some reason Snickers aren't available in your area. But Medjool dates and peanut butter are. You are set. I started putting those and I don't go. I've either. A pretty standard joke gym, but they started just putting medjool dates out for free. That's not. That's not a standard gym. Standard. It is a standard gym. It's a very bog standard and they just suddenly started doing it. What's bog standard, though? It's just got regular equipment. It's not fancy. What is. What else do you get for free? Yeah, nothing you don't get. Well, there's free Fruit Fridays. Is the dates included in the free Fruit Friday? No, no, no. Do they have towels that. Do you have to bring your own towel? Yeah, I had to shower there for a few weeks and because we were having building work done and I had to bring my own towel. Okay, so they don't do towels, but they do do dates. Yeah. That is weird. That's a weird gym, isn't it? They stopped doing the dates now, but for a little while there were dates. How long were they doing dates? It was like on. On like random days for about a month. You never knew when those would be. Stones in or stones out. I never picked one up. So I don't know if stones. Renal stones were out. I can't resist. I was like, I'm not. I'm here, here. I'm here to work out. I'm not stuffing my face with dates. Good post workout snack, though. It is very good. Yeah. But I don't know enough about that stuff. So. Yeah, don't risk it. I'm like, I'm not eating. That's the trick. I bet if I eat that. Try and come back tomorrow and My membership's been revoked because I didn't pass the test. What's the test in that scenario? You ate food. You're not allowed here. Again, resist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Free Food Fridays. Always take advantage. There's a bowl of apples, bowl of pears, bowl of banana. I try and get there early on Free Food Fridays, otherwise nothing but pears. Pears get left last. They're the last one. Yeah. You're not eating that after a while, can't you? They're kind of messier to eat, I suppose. Yeah. People are either eating bananas on the way in or eating apples on the way out. Where are you having a pair? Are you not eating an apple on the way in, is it? Would that be out? Out of the question. Yeah. It's not doing you any good. Right. Bananas go straight to your legs. That's what my mum says. Yeah. Correct. Hang on, what do you mean, correct? Like, as in it gives you. Is that what I think? Yes. It gives you strength. Strength in your legs. I remember Mum always being like, have a banana go straight to your legs. Yeah. You've heard this phrase just now. No, but why did you take that in your stride so much? That's one of the weirdest phrases I've ever heard. It goes straight to your legs. As in, like fortifies you, right. And gives you energy. Go straight to your legs. I would think of a phrase, like, if someone said, oh, I don't eat that, it goes straight to my hips. Which doesn't mean fortified, does it? That means put weight on. No, Mum didn't say that. But a banana goes straight to your legs. As in it gives you strength to, like, run up a hill. Yeah, yeah. Because also now I'm imagining someone's legs going bendy like a banana. Oh, no, no, you've got the wrong end of the stick. I've got completely the wrong end of the stick. Yeah. Go straight to your legs. I think all of it can be true. Yeah. Where does the date go, then? Well, dates, though, unfortunately, dates are just quite sugary, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. You see, this is the trap they would lay in. I'm not going to fall for that. There's so much conflicting advice on dates. I can't sift through it all. But do you want. As a little bonus dish. Yeah. For your dream menu, I can give you the date with the peanut butter in it. Yeah. I don't want that till the end, though. Put a pin in that. Put a pin in that. We'll come back. Save it. That will come in to play. Yeah. So what is this main course, actually? Have you got lots of options? Because we can help maybe narrow it down. Or are we. Are we in a scenario where you can't remember any of them? I can't remember anything. Well, no, I can't remember going to, like, a rest. I can't think of, like, oh, I went to this restaurant, like, Mezcal. Went to Tuscany and had Italy, you know, pasta. And what. I can't do that. I can't remember places. What I want to eat the most, which is so pathetic, is, like, burnt vegetables. Okay, let's. Let's put this apart. I want to like. Like a butternut squash, chopped up, roasted in the oven. Feta cheese, avocado, butter beans. But the bold beans. Have you had those? No. Oh, my God. I never cared about butter beans before in my life. And these bold beans are, like, insane. And then Pinterest nuts and then loads of dressing. It's not. It's very rare that I want. I'm so sorry. I know, I know I changed when you said burnt vegetables. Oh, I know, I know, I know. I thought. Disaster. You described it. Delicious. Delicious. But I'll. You can do it with cauliflower. You can do it broccoli. But that's sort of what I do on rotation. Always, like, hack something up. Get it to almost burn. Like, really, really roasted, charred and charred and yummy. Yeah. And then. Then avocado, feta, pine nuts, lots of dressing. Delicious. That does sound absolutely. Bowls of that. That's fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. And it is a nice, easy thing to make at home. Yeah. That is very tasty. Every time. Yeah. Well on board for that. What are these? These bold beans, A type of bean, or is it like a. It's a company. A company. Yeah. He's gonna be eating these, like, they are so good. Are they in a, like, a ten or a jar? They're in a tin. Wait, wait. They're in a jar. Oh, my God. No, that was good. You said, but you acted. Jar. I know. I need to go to sleep. They're in a. We. We have that effect on a lot of guests. Yeah. You're not first. They're in a jar. They're in a jar. And you still drainage. Yeah. It'll wash them off, but they are so delicious. And you mix those in after you've charred everything all in together. Now, showing us the bold beans. There you go. Thank you, Benita. Why does it say 27? Oh, that's for lots of them, though. It's got to Be buying in bulk. Queen butterbeans. That's well. Yeah. What's that? Six jars. Queen butter beans. They're so good. Looks like a big jar as well. 6. It's a big jar. It's like this big. Yeah, yeah. Six for 27. What's that? What's the mass on that? Why are you looking at me? I'm not going to be able to do that. No, I don't think. Per bean. What does it work out? Per bean. Bonita. 48 for 12. I feel like marking that up. Yeah. You should be buying those bold beans. I really should. They also sell out. Yeah. Couldn't get them from Sainsbury's. They sent me checkpoint. I hate to break it to you, Kerry, now you've mentioned them on this podcast. You're never going to be able to get them again unless they will get in contact with you. Well, bald beans. Yeah. Bold beans will get in contact. I want some first. Bold beans will get in contact with you. Okay. Thank God. But you better answer the call, otherwise. Yeah. This is going to be flying off the shelves. You want to better get any. I couldn't get them last week. There you go. It's good because you didn't come on this podcast. Yeah. And now your life's about to change. As long as you remember that you were on this podcast. Because you're saying that you forget gets. You can't remember any meals you've ever had. You've got to remember tins or jars on. Yeah. Does it help as an actor to not remember your own life at your blank canvas? Constantly. Yeah, probably. Yeah. The more tired I get, probably. Maybe I'll get better. You can just completely be your character. Just full severance, all of the time, walking into a new job. Who am I today? I don't know. Someone tell me who's the character you've played that you most. We just, like, got lost in. She's not gonna remember that. Got lost in. Got lost in the character. You were like. I feel like I'm that person now. Oh, I've never had that. Never had it? No. Although when I did the Seagull when I was 21, that's probably the most idealistic version of that I've had because I was 21 and playing Nina and very. And I was like, very into it. I loved it. What happens in the Seagull? What's that? It's Chekhov. It's a tragedy. Well, kind of a tragic comedy, I thought. Think. But who played the seagull? I would have really convincing Fake Seagull and Mackenzie Crook played Constantine and Kristen Scott Thomas was in it and that was very. I was very into that. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good. It was a good cast. She was tell Edge of War, Mackenzie, Kristen and I was really, really absorbed in that. But that's. Yeah. I mean maestro, I guess I was very into. Oh yeah. But I wasn't. None of it, all of it is like, you know, take the wig off at the end of the day and crack on. So the very first episode I got a. Got cheese and onion baked from Gregg's. Opened it up like a pocket, put in some pickled jalapenos at it, talked about it. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Really simple. But I did seven episodes, put them out and they just seemed to. Was one of those things where, you know, got traction immediately. A lot of people were excited by them. A lot of the followers started going up and then we carried on making the them and at the time of recording there's about 105, 106 episodes. And I started out with interfering with existing snacks and it's kind of, it's evolved and because I just say that the snack hacker is a much better name than the snack interferer if you were. Yeah. But it's funny as well slightly for not funny when you're in prison. There is. There is one little section of outtakes I've got of when I was so much later on about episode 80. I did something else with a. This sounds really awful as well. Yes. But I used to use the Greg's cheese and onion pasty again but to make a kind of like cauliflower cheese. Taking cauliflower cheese, which is so nice. So I'll just tell you what you do really quickly. So a lot of them do involve a bit of actual cooking because I'm, you know, I'm in the cooking. So you get, you get a slice of cauliflower, you cook it in brown butter, you toast some hazelnuts. Hazelnuts and cauliflower and cheese. Really nice combination. Go down to Gregg's, get a cheese and onion pasta, open it up, cauliflower in there, crushed hazelnuts, onions, the, the burger onions, you know, the kind of crispy ones that is on every street food thing at the moment. Loads of those. Put the lid back on, eat that. Oh my God. So no, that's absolutely heavenly. But at the start we thought it'd be funny to have a little to camera bit where I'm saying, you know, three Years ago, I interfered with a cheese and onion pasty, and we. We must have done about 30 takes. Yeah. And then we've stitched them all together. We might put out some time of me just corpsing constantly and then trying to make it sound better, and it ended up sounding. That does sound like the worst lockdown ever. You got bored, and you started interfering with the cheese and onion pasta while your son filmed it. So there is a thing that I make that shocks everyone. Okay. I got it from a restaurant that does not make it anymore. It's a crostini. So you. You cut thin slices of an Italian country bread, and this actually contradicts exactly what I was saying. It. Then you dry it out so it is cracker, like. Yes. Okay. Then you put, like, a slab, a pad of cold butter on it. Like a rectangle of butter. And then you put a man. A manchovy. A manchovy. You put an anchovy that's been marinated in Calabrian chili. A spicy anchovy. Yeah, a spicy anchovy. A manchovi. A manchovy. And then you put thinly sliced shallot. Y' all don't call them shallots, do you? Shallot. Oh, oh, oh. Same word, different pronunciation. Okay. Yeah. And then parsley. I'm almost done. Parsley on top of that, Lemon juice on top of that, and then Parmesan on top of that. Oh, now you're thinking, like, okay, yeah. Simple Italian ingredients. The combination of all these things texturally and on a flavor level is shock talking. And that's. And that's my time. Absolutely delicious. It's so good. And I was on board with the thick slab of butter. I was like, I know this is going in a direction I like. I nearly shouted, take me to church. It sounds amazing. People really, like, when they see you assemble it, they're always like, okay with the butter. Shut up. It just trusts me. It's like. It's so. It's so good, and it's really sweet. Laying the anchovies on its little butterbed. Yeah. Because it is one fish. Yes. You know, it's. It's a fillet. It's. It's. You really. You really feel that? Yeah. It's crazy how different anchovies look when they're, like, in the tin. I actually. How they looked initially. I don't know what they look like initially. Well, if you had, like, fresher anchovies where they're more like just like white fish. Right. Oh, right, right. Yeah. So I guess they look a bit More like just, like small fish. Yeah. But when they're all, like, brown and lying there, I know they've really changed those. They're quite. I mean, they're gross, like. They are. It's taken me a while to get over the kind of, like, of anchovies, but now I'm fully. Like, I'll be using them left and right. Anyway, you only need one per thing, right? Because they're punchy. Yeah, yeah. But some. You got to make sure it's a big one that can lay across the bed. Yeah, yeah. Butter. And then you tuck it in with a little parsley blanket. The first I've ever heard about anchovies was just on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, right. They were like. They were like, it's gross. They hated them. Yeah. And I was like, okay, so I guess they're disgusting then, right? I'd never had one before, and it wasn't merely something I came across for years. Yeah. Then when I did have what. I was like, you know what the big fuss was about? Michelangelo getting. Turning his nose about this. Yeah. This is quite nice. And he was a party dude, famously. Meant to be. Meant to be the party dude. And he was like, I don't like Angelo face, but he put weird stuff on his face. Yeah. It's so fussy for, like, a party or. Yeah. I think it's his soa. His best friend's a rat. Really? Yeah. Wow. I didn't know. I didn't watch that stuff. No, I didn't watch that stuff. I'm sorry, y'. All. What did you watch when you a little kid? Girl stuff? Yeah, yeah, no, I watched a lot of. I watched a lot. I mean, I was really left alone with the tv. Tv, you know, And I watched a lot of I Love Lucy. Ah. A lot. Was she big here? I don't think so. Not that big hair. Not as big here as. Have you never watched it? I don't think. I don't think I've ever watched. You guys. You guys. It's still the funniest on Earth. Yeah, it is so. She is so funny. I follow. I follow everything. Lucille Ball on. On Instagram. I was, like, cackling to myself the other day. Still. Yeah. Anyway. Well, that's more. I mean, I don't think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that much, so that's clearly. She's got more longevity than clearly in Donatello. The rest of the lads. Yeah. Wait, but really quickly. Anchovies. Don't you think it's so crazy that they. They were like, Processing each individual anchovy. I mean, I'm sure they. They're not, like, by hand. They probably have a. A way to do it all at once. Maybe an old man on the can is. Is doing that. Well, they're taking this. The skeleton out, right? Oh, yeah. You occasionally feel like there's bones in there, Right. Jars that are so soft. Yeah. How the hell. Yeah. Are they doing that, y', all, with the soft bones? Yeah, but they are. They must be taking the little spine out. That's crazy. That is so small. Yeah. Yeah. Some of those fish can get expensive. They're like those tinned fish. I know. You can buy, like, a weird, really crazy expensive stuff. Stuff. Yeah, I know. That's really a sign that we're. It's the end of the world on the way out, don't you think? Yeah. That tin fish has become so expensive. Yeah, yeah, we know. We. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. Every day. How often. How many times a day would you say, you think to yourself, even over the smallest things, we're. I mean, I think it's so kind of ambient now. I mean. But do you remember when you first started? Like. Like, I. Like 2000, maybe 13. I remember being like. And then. And I was like, well, this feeling will go away. And then it didn't. And now we're used to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're used to it now. Yeah. Yeah. And now we watch films about dying and going in the afterlife to comfort ourselves. Yeah. In theaters this Thanksgiving. Would y' all even celebrate? It's too close to Christmas. What are you guys doing? No. Yeah, you guys. Tell me about it. I have to go to Nashville, where I'm from. Yeah. Twice, like, in. In a month's time, which I love. I can't wait to see my family. Yeah. But, like, that's a lot. That's two big old trips. Yeah. That's crazy. And then 900 months between that, where I'm not going. Yeah, that's crazy. I'm gonna order the best asparagus in season asparagus in the world. Cooked, like, steamed perfection. Best parmesan in the world with olive oil. And I've got a memory of a world best olive oil in the world. Probably from this place I went to in. In Croatia called Istria, which has, like, four of the 10 best olive oils in the world. Oh, wow. And it's really. If you're a foodie there, it's amazing. It's a little peninsula on the east coast of Croatia where it borders of Italy, and it's very small, but they have the four. Four of the ten best olive oils in the world. And. And they're also like the truffle capital of the world. So I love the truffle butter. That's going to come from there. That's coming from there. And on top of my asparagus and the best parmesan is. There's just loads and loads of black truffle shavings. And I have a vague memory of a delicious sort of very sophisticated starter with asparagus and a tiny scotch egg. Because I feel asparagus and egg and with a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that gives you that kind of slight meat sharpness when you say tiny Scotch egg. It's like a quail Scotch. Like a quail Scotch. Yeah. But not. Yeah, not dry. You know, wet. Runny. Runny in the middle. Yeah, yeah. Indulgent Scotch egg. Yeah, Scotch egg. That could be on the snacks list, actually. Yeah, yeah. Ever growing snacks. A tiny scotch egg. Scotch egg is on the snack with the. With like just the most beautiful asparagus with parmesan and maybe some pine nuts. I really like this hack that you've developed, which I don't think anyone's done before, where you don't know where it's from or really what it is, but you just say the best in the world. Yeah. Best partners out in the world. Where from? Just the best in the world. Based on current available data. Best one in the world. Just look at which. I mean this in the nicest way possible, James. It's like having a five year old best in the world. I think I was googling on the way here, like, best balsamic vinegar, best asparagus. Where is the best asparagus from? I mean, that is great because it is something that we haven't really talked about much on the podcast because it hasn't come up. Yeah, but someone. But people saying like, I don't just want it to be a specific one I've had. I want it to be the best in the world. Well, this is the perfection thing again. This is like, you know, I want. I've only got one go. Unless you have me back. And I've only got one go. Well, you're gonna come back and change your order in a couple of months. James grabbed us outside. We're about to go and record an episode with someone else. They're waiting outside now in the hall. Yeah. He's asked to move tables. I love it. We've been recording this for weeks. Keep changing it No, I think, yeah. Like, it's probably my personality. The perfection. The perfection project, whatever you want to call it. And I mean, there are, like, people talk about these kind of ranked things, don't they? So why not? I've got a fucking genie here. Yeah. By what other people say about it. So if someone said this is the best restaurant in London, would you go and be like, yes, it was, and I'm glad I've been to the best restaurant in London. And same with Parmesan. If someone said this is the best Parmesan in the world, you'd be like, yes, it's as it is. Well, you eat it. I. I probably would. I would probably buy into it. I mean, I haven't eaten all the restaurants in London. I have definitely not eaten all the Parmesan. Yeah. So I can't really kind of say whether or not it is or not. But I do enjoy, like, a ceremony around food as well. If someone. I. I don't know much about wine, but if someone says to me, this is a really nice wine, I'll, like, really enjoy it. Yeah, take your time. Take my time. And I like. I like the kind of. I like being with kind of of the sort of what they called, like, the. The leaders of a certain discipline. Yeah. The best maestros. Yeah. The best in the world. Pioneers. The pioneers. The best in the world. Yeah. Yeah. The virtuosos or wherever they are. Yeah. And so if someone tells me it's the best palm of time, but I'll believe them and I'll enjoy it. And it's, you know, I've got a genie. You've got a genie. I can make. I can make it all. Best asparagus, best Parmesan, best olive oil. Best truffle, best salt. I've sort of replaced God, haven't I? The omnipotent, omniscient genie. Yeah. I'm more of like. I don't know. What. What are the. What are the. The angels? The seraphim. But cooking methods aren't the only things we've learned this year. We've been taught about performative males, weightlifting and wine glasses. And James taught one guest a really good joke. You're done tooting. Here's Joy Crooks, Emily Campbell, John early and Kunal Nay. Have you also seen those men on the Internet? That there's a man that's a professional sparkling waterhead, and he can guess every sparkling water from New York Italian and knows exactly which is which, which is kind of amazing. Just testament to the fact that sparkling Water is so flavorful. Yes. And it can be. And something very different. I mean, Vicky, our old friend Vicky, she's salty. So salty. Yeah. And then badwa. Do you know badwa? Sorry, I don't know it. Badoit. Badwa. Badwa. Bad hour. Bad, bad, bad hour. A very light sparkle. A very gentle sparkle. That's nice. Yeah. But is it secretly aggressive? Possibly. Like a submarine. Yeah, Submarine water. Yeah, yeah. In the esophagus. It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it, doesn't it? Sparkling water water. Yeah, it does, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it does. I think if I realized that I. My palette was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters, even though I'd recognize that that is a talent that not a lot of people have. I don't know if I would pursue it. I think it would. It. It would be too boring. I think you'd be a performative male if you did that. A performative male? Yeah. I mean, you're quite a performative. Is there any other type of male? Yeah, well, kinda. There's like Premier League male, there's Champions League male, depending on where your prem is, and then there's performative males. And do you think a prem and champion league male will have a matchup? Probably not. Can you talk us through the Premier League males? And then why is that? Why are they football. Why are they football based? And then why do we go straight? I'm just giving you examples of other types of males. Other types of males? Yeah. Can you give us maybe through like celebrities. Who's a Premier League male, Who's a champ? Champions League male. And why. Yeah, let me think of a celebrity that's a Premier League male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. They could be. They could be Arsenal. I'm Arsenal. Okay, okay, wait, let me think. Or what are the qualities a celebrity. What kind of celebrity are we talking? Well, I. I don't know because I don't know what the. Like, okay, so like Ramesh Ranganathan. Yeah, he's definitely me. Champions. A Champions League. And a prem. Okay. Male. Because he's Arsenal. So we're both now. Right, but hold on. But personality makes it. It's really performative to go to the art, to the football stuff and not focus on performative males. I'll give an example. I'm gonna make you a Venn diagram. I'm gonna make you a Venn diagram. Okay. This make it. When you're at an a football match and you're. Let's say a performative male goes to a football match. This is going to be really, really important. The. You've lost me already. When you're is going to have like a Carlsberg. Right. But the performative male is having an Asahi. Right? I'm having an Asahi. But isn't performative. Not since you're just doing it for everyone else and to basically. Yeah. Like you had a matcher on your way to the Emirates and at the Emirates you're not just having an Asahi, you're having an Asahi from the self pouring station. Right? Yeah, yeah, but that sounds nice. Yeah, no it does sound nice but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do and he probably has like a carabiner on and. Oh no, they're helpful for holding your keys. That's why carabiners useful I think keys onto your jeans. Yeah, well, I like carabiners, but that's a different story. But we're getting lost here. Okay, Reference. Get it? James, I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male. I'm. I'm aware that performative male has been leveled at both of us. Yeah. But I'm trying to figure out what that says about us. Do you watch Meditations of an Anxious Mind? No. No. Oh, he's a funny, funny fella from Dublin called Frankie and he goes around and just makes cultural observations and his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind and he does a whole sector on like performative males. And I think maybe on top of the bin Laden homework, obviously MC Bin Laden homework that you're doing. Maybe you should add that to the list as well. Yeah. Same birthday as mi. Osama bin Laden. No way. Yeah. What's that? March 10th. That's a nice day. Me, Osama bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, John Hamm. I'm David Cameron and Bella Hadid. So all the best people. My favourite people actually Pop Roms or bread. Pop robs or bread. Joy's works. Pop Roms or bread. Joy spilled her coffee. I've just spilled the coffee. The best. I finally did it. I made someone spill their drink. I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second. Yeah. Oh, I am. And I would have gone, that's it. That's the most performative male thing you've done today. I think bread or puffed ons is potentially one of the most offensive things you could ask me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So my mom's Bangladeshian. My Dad's Irish, so. So that's like asking me to choose between Mum and Dad, you know? Yeah, we should change the question to Mum or Dad. I should shout Mum or Dad at people. Yeah, well, it wouldn't work for everyone. No, it wouldn't work for everyone, would it? Some people. Some people would be like, oh, obviously my grandma. Yeah. Or neither. Or I'm an orphan. Yeah, I'm an orphan would be. Yeah. But we've got a very strict rule on the podcast. We don't have orphans. No orphans. No orphans. It's too. It's too traumatic, isn't it? And it's not about trauma bonding, it's about taste bonds. Yeah, Right. I love soda bread and I love poppadoms. Yeah. I ate poppy Doms last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning, but instead for breakfast I had a chicken biryani and a protein shake. 10 o' clock this morning? Yeah, a biryani. 10 o' clock this morning. Was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh? Are you cooking it fresh at 10? It's never going to be yummy at 10, is it? If you cook it fresh but, like, it's nice from the night before. Yeah. So good. Great. Keeps cooking in the fridge. I think I agree with you. Yeah, yeah, it just. Yeah, it ruminates. Yeah, it ruminates. It marinates. Yeah, Ruminates and marinates. Yeah. That would be the name of if I ever had a restaurant. Ruminate, marinate, Ruminates and marinates. No, I think it'd just be called Housewife. I want everything to be called Housewife. Why don't I just like the word? Yeah. So what are you doing tonight? Housewife? Yeah. Just sounds right. Right, Yeah. I can't really choose between the two. Sorry. Have both. Yeah, yeah, you have both. If it's because I think it's a reasonable. Like some people might try and hack the system and say both, but your one is quite a personal reason. Yeah. It's your parents. Yeah. You know, it's not going to look good on us. Yeah, you don't want to look, cancelled is basically. You don't want to get cancelled. You don't want. That's not real, is it? Well, no, I'm not afraid of getting canceled. Yeah. Because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway. Yeah. It's not real. Stop moaning, Jimmy Carr. You're not cancelled, mate. He wants Jimmy Carr again. Yeah, exactly. But you wouldn't know because he's canceled. That's why you don't. That's why you don't know. He's the one with the suits. Yes. He did the Don't Laugh. Don't Laugh At All. That show is huge. Don't Laugh At All. Yeah. He host. Don't Laugh At All. Yes. And Richard. But yes, I'd love if it was called Don't Laugh At All. Don't Laugh At All. Did you try play it while it was when I was on telly? No, I tried to not laugh. No. I play Guess the Fee when I watch that show. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Because everyone will have different ones, you know, they're all on. It's a sliding scale on Don't Laugh At All. I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy. The dread time. Dread time of comedy. Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industries. Like, obviously. I love a good music bitch. We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. Can't repeat what was said, obviously. But it's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry. Yeah, I think about that a lot. Yeah. I really. I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys. Yeah. Well, guess the fee is bitchy. Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah. It's fun as well, though, you know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, the Lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft. Oh, is it? Yeah. That's not cheap shit. I take that for free. I cannot imagine Richard Iwaidi in Lycra. I can. Well, you don't need to. I couldn't make eye contact. You can't look at a man in Lycra. No. I don't know how people do fiber sides when that happens. Surely eye contact is what you want with the Lycra. So you're. Because there's no Lycra on the eyes. It's the one bit that you can look at. Yeah, but you always accidentally look at people's when they're in Lycra. Yeah, sure. That's why you're meant to wear shorts over it. Yeah, yeah. You know when men just wear leggings? That's no shorts. I knew it's a violation. Do you get people like that? Have you had that with weightlifting People going, I reckon I could do that. Oh, yeah, all the time, obviously. Especially men, bless them, yeah, you know what I mean? Shout out, fellas. They're like, yeah, yeah, it's dead easy. Like, I remember once actually I had a party my house and some of my friends came over and he bought a couple of his friends and he was like chilling with his boys outside. One of his boys, like, yeah, dead easy. And his friend just went, don't ever embarrass me like that again. It's not that easy. You can't do what she does. Yeah, don't embarrass me, please, like. But his boy was probably like, yeah, it's easy, man, I can do it, I can do it. And his friend, my friend just looked at him, just went, don't you dare. But yeah, it is, it is funny. But the thing is, like, it's really funny actually because like, like at an elite level is probably one of the hardest sports that you can do. But actually grassroots is very accessible. It looks hard, but if you have the right people around you and you start in the correct way and you start with the correct weights, then it is really easy and people would be really surprised actually, what they can achieve. So I do think in that way you can, it's just when these people just think, oh, because I've deadlifted 70 kilos, I'm going to try and clean it. Like, it don't, it don't work like that. I don't translate. It's so technical. Like, it's not just the weight, which I think a lot of people going, I could do that. Definitely couldn't even do the weight. It's every single movement and you've got to, you've got to have it completely locked in, haven't you? Like, yeah, absolutely, yeah. It's so technique, like, when I started, I was, I was obviously really strong from, from the shot and I trained, you know, hard and I was humbled, like, absolutely. And weights that I was probably strength wise, capable of. I was nowhere near in weightlifting because my technique wasn't there. And it is just about drilling and, and keep going over and over again. And this is why, you know, technically we like to get kids into weightlifting around 8 years old because they're really good at learning the technique and it's not about putting the weight on. You can give them a wooden pole or bar or PVC or whatever and it's just about them joining the movement over and over again. Because then once you've got that locked in, then getting Strong is the easy bit. Whereas when you have to do it in reverse, you have to, like, really humble yourself because you're like, I've got to go back down to basics and get this bit right until I can actually put some work weight on. So, yeah, that's why it's a lot easier just to say, oh, I could do that and then never try. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, Absolutely, yeah. I wish I'd done that with stand up. Yeah. I wish I'd been one of. I'll be well happy now. Well, there's a bloke in the pub to say, I could have done it. Yeah, I'm funny. Listen to off menu. Yeah. Ed Gambler. I just. I just go, oh, I'll be funnier than these pricks. Be great. I hate all the different glasses. Like, why can't we just have it all in a tumbler in just a normal glass? Like that is. I love drinking out of a normal glass. Okay. I have to laugh because there's a huge reason, actually, you know, for something like champagne, you have to have the stem so that your hand isn't warming it up. I can't believe I have to tell you that. You're the one with the food podcast. He thinks olive oil is acid, if you remember. What if I'm drinking my T of olive oil? Well, I can't warm that up. Also, there's shapes of wine. Glasses are important. I didn't know. Some of them have, like a wide base, breasts, and this wide base to aerate, and you can get some movement in there. But also then a sort of narrow top sometimes to funnel the sort of aroma and stuff upwards towards the nose, but. And keep it within the glass as well. No one's ever done that. Can you believe they can make. This is similar to, like, anchovy stuff. Can you believe they can make glass so thin? It's mad, isn't it? It's crazy. We take. We take all that for granted. You want to hear a good gazpacho story? Yeah. It's not a great story. You drink? No, this is br. I. I started doing this as a joke and I don't. No one in my family thinks it's funny. But I do love gazpacho. Like, I really love gaspacho. When the sun's out, I order gaspach. And I always do this trick where the gazpacho comes and take a sip and I spit it out and I say, this is cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send it back. Yeah, yeah. And the Beatles, like, what? And I'm like, got you. And they're like, usually they think it's kind of funny. Yeah, yeah, it's a. That's a good. But sometimes you're an actor, you've got to be careful with that, with your powers there. Yeah. Because they could burst into tears because you've acted it. So. Yeah, usually I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it at a place that I didn't know the server or something. I wouldn't like, like, you know, hurt someone's feelings who, who felt sensitive that day. Yeah. What if they rush back to the kitchen? Yeah, no, I have to. You have to time it out before you. Before they knew it was a joke and next thing you know, that's your rep. That's your rep. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. I would never happen. I don't think I could be rude to someone like that, but that would be terrible. Who did that happen? Didn't. Yeah, that happens to people. No, I, I don't want to get. I would never. I would never be mean to us. I think it's good to, to have like jokes that you do in every restaurant. Yeah, you think? Yeah, a little routine. Well, I mean, the classic is when like a big massive plate of stuff arrives that's clearly for sharing. What's everyone else having? Yeah, funny. That's a good one. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they. Maybe when they pour water or whatever for you and like you pretend it's vodka. That's funny. What's that? What do you mean? Just, just a glass of vodka as a. Yeah, yeah, we have a water. I don't know this one. And not while they're pouring it, but like, you know, people. Are you not drinking? And then like, oh, yeah, yeah, this is vodka. And then you put it. Put the water and go, this is a glass of vodka. That's like something a 6 year old would do. Sorry, I. I'm sorry. Sorry for your mature joke that you're looking for more. You're looking for more in the joke that actually exists, I think. So you. So they're pouring water and you're saying, this is vodka. Vodka. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's a funny joke. When everyone else is drinking alcohol and they go, oh, you're not drinking. And then you go, yeah, yeah, this is vodka. It's a glass of vodka. Yeah, that's a joke. People do that. People do that joke. Yeah. Canal. I haven't made it up. No, no, I believe you. I'm still just trying to understand it. I've never seen someone do that joke. But imagine if you had, like. Imagine a glass of water like this I've got here. Yeah, yeah. If that was all vodka, that'd be mad. Yeah, of course that's funny. Yeah. So, yeah, if you're. If you're suggesting to someone, if they're like, oh, you're not drinking, and then you're like, yeah, I am. This is. This is a glass of vodka right here. Then they're like, whoa, you went from not drinking to drinking a whole glass of vodka and having a problem with alcohol. That's funny. How would that go down if you were at dinner, do you think? First of all, it would take 30 minutes to explain. Yeah, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm saying that that's. It's not the best joke I've heard. I'm sorry. Not the best restaurant joke I've heard. That's good. Restaurant. You check next time in a restaurant, you try it. Okay. Because maybe it's because it's outside of the usual setting that it's not landing. Yeah, but like, in the. Yes, if. If everyone's ordering a drink and I already have a glass of water, and then someone says, you're not drinking, and they say, oh, well, this is vodka. Come on. Okay, that's good. That's good stuff. The way that you did it just then. It's good stuff. I don't know. No, I could. I'll try it. I'll tell you guys some comments on the. This is vodka I'm drinking. Yeah. Imagine if you drank that much vodka. Like one go. You poured that. You'd have a problem. I just like to. When I've like a clean, my plate comes back over. I say, oh, I didn't like that. Yeah, that's classic. Yeah, yeah. And I'd say, I drank all my vodka. If I had an empty glass to go, that was vodka, But I just drunk that to the way. And they go, no, it's not. It's water. Been topping it up the whole time. I'll be like, yes. And I'd say, yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah. I'm sorry I brought up the gaspacho joke. There was a way out of that. But going back to my original thing, I mean, like, Bloody Mary is just gaspacha with vodka. But that. Yeah, that does sound. That does sound nice to me. But you don't like the savory. I don't like savory. I saw this happen yesterday, and you will not like this if you don't like dirty martini. Anava mo to put in Martini. Martini. I would like it. Yeah. Or like a Gibson with a pickled onion. I love it. Blue cheese, stuffed olives. No way, dude. Oh, my God. Oyster. I've had an oyster martini before. Oyster in it. Yuck. I eat it. Doesn't look any of these things. You're not gonna land on one. That's nice. So what, you at the end of the martini, do just have the oyster as well? Yeah, yeah. And the shells in it as well? It's got the shell and a whole oyster. Yeah. Oh, my God. What if you drank that and then said that was water? Water. What, like you do the flip around? Jealous. Please. So what if you just had a. Like a seafood cocktail at that. You say that was water I just drank? Yeah. Thanks. A lovely glass of water. What. What reaction do you expect from anyone for that lovely glass of water? What do you. What do you want them to say to that? Well, they'd say that that was alcohol. You just drunk that and then. And then what? That's that done. Yeah, Well, a few people would get a kick out of it. Here's another restaurant joke. Are you any allergies? Allergies only allergic to a good time. Oh, that's nice. A pint of vodka. Yeah, that's what I would say. Right. Or if you're in a seafood restaurant and they say, any allergies? You go, yes, seafood. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Or a sushi restaurant. Do you have any allergies? Yes. Anything raw? Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Waters. Will sit down. Shut up. The moment has passed. I still don't understand that joke, James. It's a great joke. You just have to be really comedy savvy to get it. But you have a glass of water and you pretend it's vodka. It's a good joke, right? Anyway, we hit 300 episodes in 2025, and James and I revisited our own dream menus with the help of guest genie aj Adudu before papadoms or bread. I do have a quick chef's welcome, motherfucker. A chef's blooming welcome. I did a chef's welcome last time. He's got me. He's got. Yeah, a chef's welcome. But this is a genuine che welcome. That exists in that position on the menu at the hand and flowers. Everyone gets a little sausage roll. You sit down and they bring you this perfectly sized, like, homemade. Obviously, it's a restaurant sausage roll. It's absolutely incredible. Okay, nice. Nice pastry. Nice pastry. Beautiful. Like crispy, golden. It flakes. But also it's got that fatty taste to it as well. Too heavy on the sausage roll, though. Not in times. Yeah. I mean, it's like. It's quite. Because the sausage roll. Love them. Yeah. But they can be quite girthy. And to have that as a welcome. Yeah, it's not too good. We don't want it to ruin the appetite. Welcome. Yeah. It's not a girth. Too girthy. No, no. Just the perfect. He's your friend. Which is relative. Which is relative to people. Yeah, yeah. To what you'd enjoy. But, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing. It's. And it's exciting to sit down. Down and not know you're going to get a sausage roll and then you get a sausage roll. But do you get a sausage roll every time or did they change that on the menu? I've only been once. I'm pretty. When you went, did you get a sausage roll? I actually don't think we did. I went once and it was earlier this year. It was just a couple of months ago. Okay. Did you get a welcome? I. It was my partner's birthday. So you weren't concentrating on what was happening. So when we sat down, I think we were giving. Our lives are going to sound so bad now. Are we giving champions? Paid all comes out. Because I texted the chef in advance to let them know. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This can't go out. We can't put this out. Bonito sound awful. This is changed. You'll be able to track it. How. How our lives have changed during this podcast. Your partner is not eating pork, right? Yes. She's not. Did you tell them that in advance? Yes. So maybe that was. Yeah, that was it. That was it. That's why. That was it. That's why you have. They were very nice and gave us a couple glasses of champagne. Oh, champagne. Said, happy birthday. That was the chef's welcome. It wasn't that. Yeah, yeah. It was a little. Little drink, which they might do for everyone who. It's their birthday, to be fair. If you tell them ahead of. Oh, yeah, I don't know that. Oh, God. But event's doing a chef's welcome. I'm gonna do a chef's welcome. Yeah. And I went to a friend's, actually, Paul Feig, who came on this podcast, invited me to a get together he was having, and we arrive and he's got his own chef. Oh, my God. Yeah. So some. Some of us are not Doing as well as Paul Feig. Yeah. Yeah. So Paul Fig's doing better than us. Yeah. And I just want you to know I was invited to that too, but I couldn't go. Yeah. Yes, he was invited. Yeah. And Ben might have even been. No, he wasn't. But when you arrived at that party, you were instantly given a little Chef's welcome from Paul Fe's personal chef. And it was called steak and chips, but it was, I would say it was a cocktail stick. And on it was these tiny little like fried potato, like mini chips. Very small, almost like a potatoes. Bravas. Yeah, like so, but little like the chip. They look like chips, like crispy chips, like little matchsticks in their own right. And then a bit of, like a very thin bit of steak that was like a ribbon that was like in a. In an almost M shape on the cocktail stick, the way it was folded on. On there. And it was like the perfect mini mouthful of steak and chips. There's a salty, really juicy meat. The crispy, salty chips. It was. I was really into it. I was actually quite disappointed. It was just. You get it once on the way in. How can I keep on doing laps at this place? Yeah, exactly. Because I was also. It was on a boat, wasn't it? Yeah, I didn't want to mention that bit because like, my life's already sound bougie. Yesterday you was on a bloody yacht, weren't you? There wasn't a yacht, it was a boat. In the restaurant record recommendations on the website, make sure you write down you've got to go and get the steak and chips from Paul Fig's personal chef on a boat. Oh no. Oh, no. I wasn't ever gonna do this. And then just what's the nicest mouthful I've ever had when I've arrived somewhere and it was on the private boat park. Oh, no. Oh no. Oh my gosh. That sounds better in boys. So dreamy. It was delicious, though. It was absolutely one of the best mouthfuls of food I've ever had, especially upon arrival. Sounds like it's for royalty that, let me tell you. The problem is this podcast has really changed James, and I'm fine because I've never been relatable, so no one expects anything less from me. He's come up to your level. Yeah. Finally. Welcome. Here I am. The weather's great up here. Uncomfortable. Sorry. So we've done the chef's welcome. I do like that I've got that chef's welcome on my menu. Cuz it. That was so Good. I mean, it sounds amazing, but should we get you back onto dry land? Yes. Hey, guys, it's Kamel Nani. My new standup special, Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. I am. Are there any, any other immigrants here? Okay. What you can't do is point at someone else. My Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundled subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply. But it's not my call. Terms apply. A lot of supplement brands chase trends, but if you're serious about your health, we know research backed science is what actually moves the needle. Momentum Mantis works with the best brains in human science to create every formula. And every batch is made of pure ingredients tested for safety and does not contain fillers. So you get the best long term results possible. Creatine isn't just for muscle gains. It's essential daily fuel for your brain, body and long term performance. Momentous Creapure Creatine is backed by leading performance experts like Dr. Andrew Huberman and Dr. Stacey Sims. Sourced exclusively in Germany. Germany Creapure sets the gold standard for creatine, delivering the purest form, creatine monohydrate that's rigorously washed and never cut with fillers. With over 2,000 five star reviews, over 112,000 customers have seen the results firsthand with Momentous. The fundamentals are done, right? Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first subscription order with promo code Acast. Go to livemomentous.com and use promo code AK Acast for up to 35% off your first Subscription Order. That's livemomentous.com promo code Acast. We also introduced a new format this year, the tasting menus. Yes. We invited John Kearns, Bridget Christie and Jen Brister back to the dream restaurant to be served the menu of another previous guest guest. Let's hear from them. And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get up the bum. My son. My son's a bit like that. If you're playing cafe with him, your son, what will he say when you're playing cafe? Absolutely awful segue. John. Think. Think it through. The contrari. John, think it through. I'm thinking nothing. The contrarian thing. Yeah. If you like, kids will be having fun with you. Right? So say you're in his cafe and he's going, you know, we've got six ice creams. Now you're saying this, obviously I know about your son's cafe. You've told me about it. The listeners don't know. Yeah. I think we need to hear about your son's cafe. So when you're talking about your son's cafe. So you're basically on off menu every day of your life. Really? Yeah. How old's your son? 3. And he likes to play cafe beer. That's his life. Yeah, yeah, that's his life. He's raised on D Etc. Around. That's one of the dishes. So he's running. Is he running the cafe? He runs the cafe, yeah. I did message James. There was one day, he goes, right, you know, so is your son as world weary as you already? He's like, he's like, right, cafe. So you sit there, he's like, okay, another day at work. If you don't like it, cafe gives you a plate. Empty. Yeah. If you don't like it, that's fine. You just spit it into my mouth. That's his cafe. That's the rule of the cafe. The way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to you, if you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth. Which I find. If you don't like the food I serve. Yeah. A really funny phrase could be chuck it in there. If you don't like the food I serve, you can spin it back in my mouth. Really aggressive, but still making himself the quite subservient at the end. Yeah. But getting the food spat back in his mouth. So it's like he's in charge but at the same time. Have you ever mimed spitting the food into his mouth? No. No, because you always like the food. Well, I mean, the thing is like if you go to a restaurant, if a waiter has to do that, the waiter's going, should really, you should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth. So is he not the chef chef as well? He is, he's everything. Yeah, he's the proprietor. He runs the place. Yeah. So yeah. In, in that respect. Does he tell you what does he tell you what he's serving you? Well, he's never got what you want. He says, no, but it's usually ice cream. And he goes, what do you want? Strawberry, chocolate or yellow? Yeah, yeah. And you go, yeah, I'll have some chocolate, please. He goes, we've run out. So you go, oh, that's a shame. He. He's just offered it. Yeah. So Then you go, well, okay, I guess. Have some strawberry. We've run out of strawberry. We're closed. That's. That's, that's, that is how it happens. They think that's funny. Is he laughing at that? No, cuz. No, no, no, you can't laugh. But is he laughing? No, he's serious. He's like, what we got to do? We're closed. So then you go, oh, I better. I got to come back. Back. He's like, yeah. So then you walk out the room, and then just as you're about to walk out, he says, we're open. Fantastic. He's got to think this is funny. Yeah. You think he's, you think he's. He's messing with me? I think. I think he's got to know that that's funny. I mean, otherwise, do you get, like, mock annoyed about. Yeah, the weirdo? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you got, you gotta. You gotta go like, I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice cream. And he's loving it. And it's closed, but, yeah. And he's like, what? You. You know, he's like, oh, you can't believe it. And I can't believe it. And then he's like, he looks at you, think, all right, I'll come back after work. Okay, then just as soon as you turn your back, we're open. What's your job in this pretend play world? Because it can't. When you say, I'm going to come back after work. Yeah. Are you still comedian in the pretend world? No. You've got an office job. What is the job? I stand in the garden. Is that a job? Hang on. So when the cafe's closed, you know the answer to that. Yeah. You go and stand in the garden. Yeah, but where's the cafe in terms of your house? Living room. Yeah, gotta be. But you go outside and stand in the garden. If he hasn't opened it before I leave. Yeah, because you've got to keep walking normally. It gets you before, you know that. Seeded. Is it Goodfellas where De Niro is looking at the. I can't remember the wife's name now, but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's going to be short. Yeah. And he keeps telling her, yeah, just go down that alley. Yeah, there's the dresses. That's like my son. He just goes, keep going. Yeah, keep going. But you're. You're like. You're gonna say, it's open before I got to the door. Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna be standing in that garden. No. And then when I am in the garden, was he forgotten? Yeah. How long am I gonna stand here? Do you not pretend to be at work when you're in the garden. Garden doing your office job or whatever it is that you do in the pretend game? There's a, there's a berry bush. There's like some black currant. I don't know what they are. Blackberries. Yeah, yeah. So I pick them. Oh, so you just pick the blackberries. Yeah, yeah. And he watches me do that. What? You do that for the. From the. He's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house. And you're in the garden picking blackberries because he told you that they've sold out of ice cream and they're closed now. It sounds quite idyllic. Sounds quite. Not a nice way to spend the day. It does actually. Not. Well, actually, it's a tough way to spend the day. I think it was that because he's got wooden. This is the thing. This is the thing, yeah, yeah. He does have wooden toys of ice cream. It's not like they're imaginary. You can see it. So he says it's sold out and you can see out. Don't have any. And they're there. Also, kids love. Like if he loves chocolate ice cream. Yeah. As the owner, he can't sell it to you cuz he likes it. Yeah. He wants it for himself. So what's his least favorite flavor? Oh, you go, yeah, he gives you his least favorite. So you go, oh, fantastic. You've got chocolate, strawberry, yellow and whatever the green one is. Right. So you go, yeah, I'd love chocolate. Chocolate. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, you could have that one though. It's like, well, I don't want the grill. How about the strawberry? Yeah, but you have that one. You have this green thing. So this is like what we're doing of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop. Oh, a bookshop. Yeah, I like that book. That's for me. Well, I want it. Well, no, I like that book. So you know, when are you gonna try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad, bad cafe owner? When he has to. When he understands business rates, you know, paying tax, an electricity bill for the free, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, well, she knows life. So the main course he's chosen, Christmas dinner. Roast. A roast Christmas dinner. So this is the main and this is the Sides as well. So this is also the dream side for Nick. Just all in the main. So you're gonna have lamb gravy. No, I won't. Yorkshire put. Well, I mean, strap in, Bridget. If you're already saying no, why won't you have lab and gravy? I've never. Apart from in France, that tiny corner of a bit of horse. I've never eaten meat. But you're not vegan anymore. I mean, you've already eaten the tortilla lasagna that had beef all the way through it. No, that. It was corn, obviously. No, no, this is Next menu. No, no, that's. Maybe you didn't say what the ingredients was. The tortilla lasagna. Yeah, we did. We say it was layered up. So it's the tortilla chip chips, then. Like chili yo. Beefs. Yeah. Can I then. No one said beef. We should have been more clear. But you've had it now. No, you've eaten it now. Did you enjoy it? No, I haven't had it. We didn't mean to trick you like the bikers. But that is what we've done. Tricked you. So I don't think it's technically. But I assumed it was corn mints. You know, with a Q, U, O, R, n. No. No, no. I mean. Oh, no. Well, like, there's just no way I will have had any of it. Unless you want to pay for my therapy for a year. We'll have to. I've. I haven't had a drink yet. Yeah. And I haven't had a starter. And I'm not having this main either. Well, you haven't heard. There might be some bits that you want. Yeah. Okay. Go on then. No, no lamb yet. Gravy? Yorkshire puddings. No. No. Why not? I'll have a Yorkshire pudding. Rice. Sorry, It's. It's Christmas dinner. Roast. Sorry. Rice. This is what Nick has every year. Gravy. This is what Nick has. Rice and gravy. Yeah. Okay, carry on. Leftover Chinese food. Pigs in blankets. I just can't. Okay, so, so far I've got lamb. Lamb gravy. No gravy. No. Yorkshire pudding. Yorkshire's rice. Rice. No, it's principle. I'm not eating it. Leftover Chinese food. Pigs in blankets. Meatballs. Is this on one plate? Yeah, this is the main course. What's Christmas dinner? This is an extreme main course. Stuffed vine leaves. No. Carrots. Why not? Stuff vine leaves. I thought you would have liked stuff. Vine leaves. I don't like them. They look disgusting. Why the perfect little parcels. Tell you what they look like to me. Oh, yeah. Horrible short penises. Yeah. Okay, well, that's ruined them for everyone now. Yeah. Carrots. Yeah. 100 peas. Yes. Sweet corn. Yes. Green beans. Yes. Roast potatoes. Yes. Hot pepper sauce. No. Raw onion. He has. He has a raw onion in Christmas dinner. His mum is special. I think he said his mum has, like a bit of big bit of raw onion when they're having a roast. And she just nibbles. She just nibbles on it. Lovely. Onions are fantastic. And last but not least, sloppy stuffing. I mean, would you like to say, take you through what sloppy stuffing means? No, I don't, because I've. I've got some idea years. Well, he just makes the packet stuffing with water, you know, like the paxo stuff. And he puts too much water in it deliberately. Deliberately. And does it in the microwave. And then it's almost stuffing. You can pour like a gravy, like a sort of like a thick gravy or a sloppy stuffing. Yeah, sloppy stuffing. Okay, I'll have the slop. Really, I will. I never would have thought someone would have turned down the stuffed vine leaves and accepted the sloppy stuffing. Well, I have, yeah. Why? What's your. What? You know, something of it. Because all that's changed is the consistency of it. So stuffing has got lovely herbs and things like that. It's vegan, I think. Yeah. It's only. He's only added water to it, so it's going to taste the same. Yeah. Okay. As long as it's nice and hot. Pretty good. So you've got basically carrots and parsnips and peas and sweet corn and green beans and roast potatoes, a raw onion and the sloppy stuff. Stuff in. That's what you would like to keep of that. And Yorkshire. You have a Yorkshire. I'll have that on the side or in the middle, you know, with all the veggies around it. Well, no, but I mean, it's all coming on the plate, though. Oh, yeah. We'll bring all of it out. You just eat round the bits you don't like. Is it gonna be touching the. Yeah, I guess. So it's a roast dinner. Yeah. Well, that's a shame. It's an extreme, extreme menu. Extreme menu. I know. And I don't want to be rude about his dream menu, but I suppose I've got to be honest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think that people should eat things that they don't want to. No. And you don't have to eat it, but it's all coming on the same relationship, isn't it? Yeah. Well, again, that's not what we were aiming for with the format, but, well, you know, food is huge. Right? Food is huge. It's all I think about all day. Yeah. So you can't make people. You know, there's all these stories about kids being made to eat fat and stuff, isn't there? I just think it can mess you up for life, really. Well, we're not. We're not trying to mess you up for life. No. And you don't have to. It seems. No, no, no, you don't have to eat this. But it will be on the plate. Yeah. We bring it out to you like. Like they would have tasted menu. Just put it down in front of you and you can eat the bits you like. You're. Because you're with me. You're my guests, by the way. Oh, lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then, straight away, first thing you can do is all the bits that you don't want. Allow lamb, all of that. Yeah. Pop them on my plate. Will you have them? Yeah. And then you can. You can add my spare veg. That's a good idea. We'll do swapsies. Yeah, yeah. Really good idea. Great. And then hopefully it's less like an abusive relationship. Yeah, that would be. That would be really great. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not eating this. You're not having it either. I'm gonna order something else. I'm still really intrigued. So I've got. I've got sparkling water. I've got naan bread. I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit. I've got chips, cheese, beans and sausage. Stage. Yeah. What am I doing? What? What's what? Don't forget sweet potatoes. Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries. Okay, so all of this, your kids eating those as well? Yeah, my kids can have all of those. Yeah. Yeah. So far they've eaten the meal. My children. They're full. Yeah. Yeah. I need a drink. I need something. Yes. What do you want to make? I just. Just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine? It's not wine. No. It's not Guinness, is it? It's not Guinness. Okay. No, it's not Guinness. No. A lager? It's not a lager. No, no. Oh, my God. Is it something like a pina colada? What is it? No. Joe Domit's dream drink. And this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake. So. Okay. Oh, my God. I. I kn. I didn't. I say I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it'd be protein heavy with actual. Yeah, Food stuffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, my God. This is absolutely. But what flavor is it? I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes the strawberry one. Yeah. Strawberry. That's like the worst flavor. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No. Who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milkshake, strawberry jam. They're all the worst. Strawberry's the worst flavor. He loves it. It's his favorite drink. His favorite drink. Strawberry protein shake. Yeah, it's his favorite. It's his thing. I've never liked. I mean, I'm hungry. Yep. That'll fill you up, though. Lovely protein shake. I mean, that will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards. Yeah. Really sad. Maybe. Do you enjoy a protein shake now? No, of course not. Why would I be drinking a protein shake? So I said you wanted to drink a minute ago. I do. Something decent, like a nice glass of wine. That's what I want. I'm gagging for a wine after this horrendous mix meal. But protein shakes like gin, wine. Oh, my God. And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it? Very sweet. And thick. Yeah. Aren't they thick? Depends how many scoops you put in of the protein powder. I mean, this is for Joel, right? Yeah. So this is gonna be one thick protein shake. Yeah, it'll be quite a thick. It's gonna be great. Imagine. Oh, my God. Protein shake with. With a. With potato fries and dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes. Yeah. But you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal? God, no. No. Or it's not your dream. It's not my dream drink. You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up. So I'm gonna have a protein shake. Is that right? Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. That really just sounds revolting. Yeah, I don't really like dairy based drinks. Is it dairy based? There'll be. Yeah. Powdered milk in there probably. I guess to make it foamy when you shake it up. Just what every lesbian wants. Okay. Some foamy, dairy based, claggy drink sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it. That makes it any better? Actually, that makes it much better. Okay, well, take a long time to get that. That's going to take a while. Yeah. I have to be sucking that. Yeah, sucking that penis straw hard. Because as someone who has penis straws, the aperture. The aperture at the top is actually quite small. Oh, really? Okay. That's the sight to behold, isn't it? That's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah. I still can't believe Joel chose a protein shake. And don't forget, we're doing tasting menu episodes live in 2026 at the Royal Albert Hall. There are just a few tickets left, so head to offmenupodcast.co.uk for tickets. Speaking of live shows, we had a residency at the London Palladium earlier this year with four incredible guests. Guests. Here's a taster of the shows with Rod Gilbert, Julian Clary, Self Esteem and Catherine Parkinson. Are you much of a foodie, Rod? Would you say. Am I much of a foodie? If you're doing this podcast about, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on. Benito doesn't let us Bonito. Doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on. I've got. I'll tell you what I've done as well. I've got notes. We love it. Because. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute. But am I a foodie? Not really, but I've come a long way. Rod. Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are? Yes, remind me to tell you how. Because it relates to food. How forgetful I am. But, yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales. Yeah, food in our house was. I mean, to be fair, like, my dad wasn't interested. My mother was working full time, bringing up three kids. So food in our house was not exactly. I mean, I'll give you a few examples. Spaghetti Bolognese, lovely. In my house when I was growing up, spaghetti Bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef. Stir it up. That's spaghetti Bolognese. And I still have it to this day. I still eat it. Spaghetti in there. I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college. Oh, yeah. Spaghetti on a bed of spaghetti. Corned beef, tomato soup on a Bed. My mother once. And my dad was very simple, tasted a very grateful man. So he would always express his gratitude. My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad and my dad couldn't. He was very short sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful. Fit for a guy king. Fantastic. And then my mother went like this. She went, oh, I've forgotten the ham. She came out with a fork and a packet of packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and draped it on top of the rice. But had he already said, fit for a king at this point? Yeah, yeah. And he was happy with that. So what did he think when the ham came out? Oh, it's just mind blown, then. Mind blown. But he was very simple. Say, like, if my mother was away or not able to go, we had sardines on toast. That's what we had every single time. And we. If anybody ever came to eat in our house. Right. So if ever we had, I guess, call them a guest. Yeah. Oh, we, we. We do that in England as well. Would you call them a guest as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such an interesting culture. Tell me if I'm going too fast. So if we had a guest, somebody knows somebody not from the family, a friend, a neighbour would come round. My mother would literally under the table, like, go like this. She'd go, right, kick you and she'd go like this. She'd go, f, H, B, F, H, B. And we all knew that meant family hold back. Wow. So there wasn't enough food to go around, so my mother would kick us and go, fhb. And you'd go, actually, I'm not that hungry. And just fucking leave it. I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. Fit for a king and just pushing it across the table, just not this king. Oh, Now, Rod, I believe that you're quite forgetful, is that right? No, not too bad. I am quite forgetful. It relates to food because, I mean. And my wife's here tonight. The lovely Sian is here. Hi. Hi. Sean was there. Hi. Sh. She's here somewhere. Sean, do we not say hello anymore? We've been backstage for ages trying to keep this guy entertained. And we're the same. I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness, whatever. Right. But trying to make. I would say I've got a success rate on making a cup of tea is about 1 in 10. So I will frequently put a tea Bag in a cup, wander off and forget about it another 10% of the time. I'll probably. Probably pour hot water on that tea bag. One drop and forget about it. Another 10 of the time. I'll pour the hot water on, remember I've done it good to pour the milk in. Then one drop and forget about it another 10% of the time. I'll remember it's there after a while and go, oh, this is cold. Now I'll heat. Put it in the microwave to heat it up. And then another 10% of the time I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there. Sometimes I'd put it on for another 30 seconds and then I've wandered off again and forgotten in there again. I'd say 10 of my cups of tea end in me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well. It's a shame. That is a shame. That's Ambassador. I once. And Sean will testify to it, I once put. It was Christmas Day about 2016, I don't know. I said to my wife on Christmas Day, should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven? Oh, no, I'll just pop a couple of mince pies ways. No, Danny Wales, We've got an arga, right? You know, country living. Yeah. An auger stays on. That's the thing with an aga. You'll know that. Right, Just for. I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day. Charlotte, can you hear me? It would be crazy if she could have not broke. What I meant was, I guess that was a roundabout way of asking. Can we hear you? A very roundabout way of asking. Can we hear you? Can you hear me? Yes. Right. I can hear you all good. Because we didn't sound check this. She wasn't here earlier. Anyway, I said, sian, shall I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas day around tea time? She said, that would be lovely. When did we find them, Sian? May. May, May. The following year, just to be clear, May 17, I opened the ark and there's two fucking discs, two black discs. I'm going, what the hell are these? And then we worked backwards through April, March. They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day. I have an aversion to meaty stu because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer. And they had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things. Anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well and my mother made a stew and it was a really hot day. I remember none of us really wanted to eat it and we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it and she was furious and so she got up and she got everyone's plate and. And she scraped all the stew onto one plate and my father was sitting at the head of the table with this open neck shirt on and as she passed him, she scraped it all inside his shirt. I thought, good for her. We were so shocked. I mean, she didn't plan to do it. I've discussed it with her since, she's not done it since, but it was heat of the moment and she said it was very satisfying. And I was about 6, my sister was 8 and 10 and they burst into tears and my mother and I laughed. So I can't really look at a meat stew, but there is a sort of fish stew, James Vibration. It's sort of Southern Indian, I think, quite coconutty and it's delicious. Where have you had this fish stew before? There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town. Have people heard of this restaurant? Someone went, yeah. Have they had the fish stew? Have you had the fish stew? No, they've been. No. Anyway, that's my answer to that. I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scraped the stew down your dad's shirt, but don't know if I should. Julian, have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shoes? I am quite like my mother. I do do impulsive and unkind things sometimes and I've got the same sense of humor as my mother. It's quite sort of withering and we. Do. We require a victim, be it. You know, I used to work with a little dog who, not. She wasn't a victim, but the butt of the jokes or a pianist or somebody. Yeah. So what was the question? How do you choose your victim if, say, you're being interviewed by two people? What. What's the instinct that draws you to one person or another, victim wise? I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure, But I mean, you mustn't take that personally because. Yeah, God, don't take it. How could I? When you interviewed me on the taskmaster thing. Yes, which you remember. Which I remember, but. But you were there with your love. Lovely bone structure then. Thank you. And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I? Yes, very rude. So that's just how it happened. It's just one of the requisites. What lovely teeth you have. Thank you. Have a little suck through this slot. I used to have. Much better. You saw me pre pandemic. I looked good. They all. I lost it all during the pandemic. You look great now, James. Weak, weak bones. Weaker than mine, I think is the. I feel bad. There's no reason why you couldn't get technical. Twos as well. Up my neck. Cut my husband with a Stanley knife. We arrive at your dream dessert. All right, Kierkegaard. Just want everyone to know. I do know some philosophers. She loves it. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. What? Who's that? Danish. It's stoic. Are they stoic? No. Is he a stoic? I can't remember that. A lot of good religious stuff anyway. Yeah. Love that. Drink, dessert now. It's very specific. It's very specific. Are you familiar with the works of Mr. Rud Kipling? Yes. Hang on. Oh, let's see. Okay. Please carry on. Rebecca. He does this thing called a cherry bake. Okay. And they come in sixes. Yeah. And you'd think I would have four of them, but I have six of them. Yeah. In a bowl. Decant them from their little silver coats. This is good. This is good. Put them in the microwave for. Whoa. No one was expecting that. I was gonna say 80 seconds, but what I meant was under a minute. Yeah. Both things can be true. Yeah. Philosophy. So, like 40 seconds. You're very nimble. Yeah. Not nimble enough to get this goddamn flag. Guy grew up in the garden. He had to be nimble. Oh, yeah. Fair, fair, fair, fair. Especially during the winter when the robins were up carrying all my food. Anyway, you. You put them in the microwave. Briefly. Custard on the hob, though. In a pan. Ideally, these days, since, you know, six music played me loads. I get the vanilla pod. Yeah. You know, finest custard with black bits in. Custard with black bits in almost all of the pot of custard. And that's my favorite dessert. Great. What's wrong with. What's wrong with that? No, that is delicious. I was. I was going to really back you on that, actually. I think that is fantastic. Is it. Is it custard from a particular place? Just. Yeah, I like Tesco or Sainsbury's Finest. A good like 4 pound 50. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Nice. Proper custard. And how did you you just. Because this sounds good. A dessert you invented. No, it's genuinely from childhood, like my mum and dad would do. We'd have Sunday. We would have Sunday dinner and then it would be like a. A dessert in a silver jacket, you know, it was different types of dessert. Always buy Mr. Rudyard Kipling. Yes, every time. So there'd always be a Rudyard Kit. Well, why would you deviate from perfection? Well, exactly. Tell me a Rudyard Kipling dessert you wouldn't eat. You can't. But can you put the full catalog of Kipling desserts on the screen, please? No, I can't. I can't tell you. Can you? No, I don't. I mean, Roger Kipling means a lot to me. When me and my wife first met, we're like hanging out for a long time. We just used to sit in the house and rot and just eat. Eat loads of mini Battenbergs and just. This is mad, like watching her eat mini Battenbergs. She just peel the icing and the marzipan off. Eat that first and then eat the cake just straight in like a. Like a beaver chewing a log. I can see why you married her. Yeah, but one day I'm gonna marry that marzipan beaver. How long you been married? Since 20. 20. 21. But they've been together for like loads. 30 years. Oh, you're one of them, are you? Yeah, yeah. Big wife guy. Wife guy, yeah. Love that. Anything to add? I think it's a nice relationship. Can you remember when Kelly came up? You weren't here for that. Did you hear what we were talking to Kelly about? No. Can you guess? It was probably Corby related. She listed all the comedians you've shown. She knows them all. Yeah, the audience keeper of my secrets. Yeah. What will you do with the silver little jackets afterwards, by the way? Are you rolling them up so genuinely I would make. Because from childhood I was a big Barbie head. My current male lover is really good looking and tall, has like nine abs. Fantastic. And I call him. That's weird though, isn't it? Nines. No, I'd want there to be an even number. You know what? 10. 10. He's got 10. The 10th ones on the way. He eats like so much food and nothing happens to him. Yeah. Six sausages a day. Wow. Honestly, no. Nothing green passes his lips. Really? Anyway, are you sure that the abs aren't just sausages, though? They might be tumors. Yeah, I call him my Barbie because I like dressing him up in clothes. That's nice. Anyway, what were we Talking about? I don't think it matters. I think that's all the information we need. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens to the little jackets? I think that's it. So Barbies. I loved Barbies and I used to make little. You know those hats Millennial women in the house raise up. You'd make those hats that came up at the front with like a. With a. Like a rose on blossom hat. So I'd make little blossom hats for all my Barbies with them with the little silver jackets. Quite easy to do and I still do it to this day, but. Lovely. Yeah. His head's too big for it. Be funny if he had a tiny head after the rest of the description of him, all the emasculated has shrunk really tall. Eight abs and a tiny head. My guy. Great thing is his tongue will always keep growing. Yeah, I've had a right laugh here. I really have. Do you subscribe to the phrase champagne for my real friends, real pain for my shamrens? Oh. Oh, that's what the Romans did, wasn't it? It was the posh wine for the. The richer guests and the. The sort of dregs for the. The insignificant ones. I think that's what it means, that phrase, because I think it's real pain for my sham friends. Get what I mean? Real pain for my sham friends. What does that mean? I mean, it's like I hope people who just pretend to be my friends. I see real pain. I hope so we bad performance. Oh, that's awful. This is what. That's a bit much, isn't it? It's a phrase. It's not. I didn't come up with it. I think that's what people say. Unkind. They say, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. All right, what were you. And why did you mention the Romans? Why did I mention the Romans? I think you thought the phrase was that you give the good champagne to your good friends and the bad champagne to people you're not bothered about. Yeah, I mean, I'm. I'm quite into the Romans. They used to use pheasant feathers to make themselves sick after a meal so they could go again. But also they always used to lie down to eat the rich Romans. And I. I find that baffling because, I mean, I don't suffer generally from indigestion, but I feel like if I was proud, you know, supine eating pheasants and, you know, God knows all these sort of rich foods that they ate, I definitely throw it up a Bit. Well, it's difficult, isn't it? I do imagine if you have a mouthful and you're lying down, like, chewing it and swallowing it down would be quite an effort, wouldn't it? Quite difficult, yeah. How long have you been into the Romans for? I. My. My degree was in classics and I, I really. I get like, actually sexually aroused talking about Pompeii. You know, not sexually aroused. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yes. I, I got. I get. I get excited by, you know, they found somebody who they. That their brain had turned to glass in the. In the, in the. I mean, it's, it's time to. Fascinating. I've got an erection. I know you've changed your mind since then, but initially you did say you were sexually aroused by the Tragedy of Pompeii. No. Yeah. No, that makes me sound really like a psychopath. I. What? I, I'm. I'm get excited, like, you know, I'm into a bit of mud larking. I do get excited about those things, which I suppose you could dismiss as geekery, but actually it's really profound. And if you're not into it, you're. You're a bit of a. Bit of a cunt. Did you want to ask what mud larking was, James? Yes, mud. Larking. I don't know what that is. It's larking in the mud. I mean, basically it's. I mean, I think you do technically need a license, but you just sort of go to the riverbanks or whatever and find things. Like, you will always find something, maybe a bone dice or bone pipe or a bit of a glass bottle or some. Some dentures and. And there you are. It's like you're time traveling, but it is very interesting. Is this something you'd like, do? No. Yeah, no, I have done it. And if you go on a guided tour, you do have to put everything back, which is a shame because. But, you know, I found a groat. I found a gro once. Well, my husband found a gro. But, you know, I say I found it and it was. Poor man, can't have anything. Yeah, I. But then you have to put it back. So if you do rummage around in the muddy banks of a river, find something that is adjacent to just trash, and then you can't even keep it. You're told you have to put it back in the mud and you can't wear an apron like I did at TGI Fridays to get the cookie. Cookie stuff in there. You can't. You. You know, you'd look Too suspicious. If you were down on the river banks with an apron with a ma. Massive flap, you know, sort of, you'd be rambled. So. But no, it's just an interesting thing to do. But that's got nothing to do with the Romans particularly. But I just. Yeah, no, I just like. I just like history. Yeah, yeah. Do you like history? I do. I. Yeah. I understand that it excites you, especially seeing things being like, this was ages ago. That's basically what it is, isn't it? God, this was bloody ages ago. Oh, you really understand history, Ed. Yeah, but it is. He still surprises me with his intellect and his knowledge on this podcast, because a lot of history, some history, was more ages ago than other history, wasn't it? But that exact phrase is what I think sometimes looking at like an artifact or a painting. This was bloody ages ago. That is kind of what you're saying to yourself again. And they were the same. Yeah, this was bloody ages ago. Listen, man, I think I'm a bloke walking around in this museum and one day those people were just blokes walking around, but ages ago. And one day you might be it bloody ages ago to someone else. Yeah. God, isn't that scary? Yeah, I don't like that. No. People might be going, that was bloody ages ago. It crowd. Bloody ages ago. Yeah. What, what do you hope, you know, in years to come when historians look back and they. What of your work would you hope they would discover in the mud? Yeah, I, I think I'd have to say my, you know, I told you earlier I had a lot of fillings as a child. I was telling you about my fillings in the dressing room. Yes, from the high sugar diet that was normalized in the 80s culture. Yeah. And you know, I had some of those fillings taken out to be replaced with white ones and the dentist said, God, some of these fillings are older than you. You. And I giggled girlishly flattered, you know, because obviously they, they weren't older than me. I, I like the idea of some of my mercury fillings maybe surviving. Okay. I was asking about your professional work that you not. What part of your body do you hope people find in the mud in years to come? That would, that would be the most question I have ever asked a guest. When you have died, what parts of you do you hope survive and are unearthed by future, even civilizations? Which bits of your work do you hope people find later on and you know that it's ages ago. Historic. My fillings is enough for me, of course. At the dream restaurant, we can rustle up any food our guests want. And not all of our guests choose to use the genie's powers to order something conventional. These guests made some weird choices. Here's Ian Smith, Moan Rizwan, Nina conti, and Chris McCausland. Christmas Orland. Dream starter. Ian. So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything. It's hard getting them in menu. So I just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu, and I've sort of combined it, but I think the flavors work okay. Okay. Interesting. I want a risotto. Yes. Salmon and haggis. Oh, God. So you basically, you're putting all your favorite foods into, like, one dish here that I feel like aren't featuring later on. Yeah. Salmon, haggis. And. And say it with me. Saffron. Saffron. Okay. Salmon, saffron risotto. Sounds like that could work. I think the haggis is the rogue going here. Yeah. We're down to Scottish or pretentious again, aren't we? Yeah, it's either the haggis or the salmon and saffron. But let me ask you this. Do you like pepper? Yeah, yeah. Haggis by its very name. It's just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as. Yeah. Having a pepper. A pepper grinder. Right, I see. If the restaurant was like, we've run out of pepper. Yeah. But we can. Let's heat up some of that haggis, and we'll crumble it over stuff no one would notice. So you want haggis instead of pepper? Well, I. I don't want it instead of. But I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there. Right. Okay. I've got enough. We've got. We've got haggis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're crumbling. You're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper. Pepper. Yeah. I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. What I will say with the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork. Doing a lot. Yeah. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Yeah. So haggis and salmon saffron risotto. Yeah, Saffron. I don't really know. Yeah, if you think about it. Yeah. Well, well, My question, even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that. Really. I would think, is that going to be. I love salmon, I love risottos. But I don't know if that would. Maybe it would. Is it a bit. Are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flake to mix through as well? Flake it up. Yeah, I'm having to do everything here. Gotta flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavor too. Yeah. Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like. Right. But I've had saffron infused mashed potato twice in my life and can't put my. Can't really sort of put a handle on it. But it was, it was delicious. Yes. Yeah, it's a, it's very vivid color and there is a definite taste of saffron. Yeah. But you can't work out what it is, but you know you like it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I guess, sir. And maybe I'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me. Yeah. They could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love some saffron and some other. What is it? Herb. Yeah, And I want to. Or a spice, Herbs and spices and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are. Oh, you want. So you want a quiz as well? Quiz, yeah. Okay, well, Lloyd's going to be there, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want Lloyd to do the quiz with you so I can enjoy my meal. Bottle here in the background trying to think of another herb in my. Well, this is the problem, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Fennel seeds, I think all day long. I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz. I would say there's enough going on in this dish already. You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are. Yeah, no, I will. I'll accept that as a criticism. Yeah. I was going to suggest maybe you have like, you know, your starter could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash. But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto? Is a risotto a big deal for you? Let's not talk him out of this. You know, no, no, you're still gonna have this. But I also think if. Imagine if every chef did that. Just put. Put four ingredients on a tray and just went. You have them individually gradually. Yeah. It's all about discovering flavor combinations. And you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try. Yes. Well, I would say imagine if every chef did this, took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they, like. Would like to see them make an appearance. Yeah. And chuck them up. I think you'd get. I think you've always got. Occasionally get something fantastic. You've always got to apply the rule. Imagine if every chef did this. But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would. Would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in. In the fridge and put them all in a bowl together. Right. So I've. I've listened to this podcast. People say, daft people are off their heads on this podcast. Yeah, I have you. So you're a big fan of weird flavor combinations? No, I just. Do you do them at home? Have you. Have you ever discovered a flavor combination you like at home? I don't think I have, no. Trying to think if I've invented my own done flavor combination. Yeah, that's what I asked. I couldn't have done. Look in your diary, does it say, well, I would have put that in the blue. Blue if I had a new flavor combination. No, I mean, I like it. Genuinely looked in your diary for ages then. Listen, I'm a physical comedian. I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod. Yeah, I'll do it on a pod. No, we've got cameras going. That could be the viral clip. Yeah, yeah. Get sound effect of pages turning in. Yeah, we do that. Yeah, yeah, Put that. Oh, that's not. Oh, no, that's not built. Oh, no, that's. That's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto. I. I found out what arancini was when I ordered arancini as a starter and then a risotto as my man. And everyone was like, what? Like, I don't know what the problem is here, but, yeah, it was a ricey. A ricey meal. Yeah. They're like risotto balls that are deep fried. Right. And then. Yeah, yeah, you had the. The insides of aranches. Arancini guts. Yeah. And there was a. There was a rice pudding option for dessert, and I almost wanted to take it to. To Be like, that's what I like. And I'm leaning into it. Yeah. Do the treble. What are you gonna call this dish? Oh, that's. Yeah, that's good at the minute. Well, I mean, salmon, Scottish. Yeah. Haggis is Scottish. Where does saffron come from? I think probably North Africa. Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia. Wrong continent. Yeah. So I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean and parts of Asia and it's title. Is there a way you can do that? There must be. And don't edit out any of the time it takes me to this. Yeah, yeah. Muck. Yeah. So straight. Straight in with muck. Straight in with muck. You're on safe ground. Yeah. It's like, now he's got Mediterranean parts of Asia. Yeah. Now I feel more scared. Yeah. Muck. You could just say salmon here and muck. Yeah, but I mean, mc. Mediterranean. Just say what? Mc. Olive. Mcolives surprise. Mcolives. No olives. Is it Is what surprise with the Mediterranean? McAllen. Surprise. Surprise. The surprise is there's no olives. Saffron. McAuliffe surprise. Saffron. Yeah. Saffron is the surprise. Yeah. It's a McAuliffe surprise. Yeah. Well, also, the surprise is there's no olives. Yeah. Salmon's not mentioned. Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't. I thought I'd be able to say my menu. I didn't think I'd have to name it. Yes. And that's what I'm struggling with. But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch. I think that's the rule. Yeah, yeah. Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was. You didn't think you'd have to name it. That's what you. What you're struggling with. I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this is. This starter is. Well, only because you took blood. You took blood because we had too many details. I don't know if that's my. That's not on me. This starter is loopy. Good bread course so far, though. Yeah, yeah. We're forgetting about that. And you know what? I would absolutely eat that starter. I don't know if I would enjoy it. I would try it, but I would give it a go. If I was at your house for a dinner party. Yeah. Yeah. And I made it. And you made it. I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it. And who knows? I might even love it. Yeah. That's got classic Come Dine With Me episode written all over it. Yeah. We're all slugging you off in the car on the way. Yeah, Yeah. I wouldn't make that for other people. I think I'd only make it for myself. Yeah. Because I'd expect. I think they come down with the. Come down with me Producers would be like. If they heard about that, they'd be like, you should make that for everyone when they come around. Yeah. And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house. Yeah. And they find your paper diary and they're all like, often for your highlighter pen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon. Yeah. One shelf is haggis, one shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate. Yeah. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people, otherwise we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It can't be called McAuliffe Surprise and you only make it for yourself. What about. No McAuliffe surprise. You get. Get a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it. And it's one of those ones that spins. Yeah. And you sort of spin the spice rack. Close your eyes. You gotta tip that up, see it in, pretend to spin a spice whack. With his eyes closed. Absolutely. I'm looking up. So, no, people don't think I'm cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Closing eyes and doing that. Yeah, yeah. Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in. They closed their eyes and looked away. Yeah. But, yeah, then you take whatever spice again. You got to close your eyes throughout this. Yeah, I know. I actually just block out the spices, black out the spices. Masking. Put parcel tape over the spices or put them in unmarked jars or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Get someone else to do that. Yeah, yeah. Are you going to have to do. You're very worried, very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing. Is that a problem you have when you go to restaurants? Yeah, yeah. Well, I found myself many times in the kitchen doing a form, doing a full shift. Yeah. So hang on, you're getting a spice at random. Yeah. And then for safety as well. So you've got the salmon haggis in there, but then Your last flurry is opening it up. Shake it in. Put that in. Yeah. Mix it around. And then when you eat it, you know it's a McAuliffe. Yes. But the surprise is. What is it? Surprise. Cinnamon. So that's your starter. Yes. Fantastic. The greatest pleasure. Food wise. This already made me laugh. The greatest pleasure. Oh, Muan's chair just went all the way down for the listener. We haven't had this before, but the chair. You set me up. Bonito did not set you up. I think you accidentally knocked a little leaf and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointing at your foreign. I'm just gonna stay like this. I think these chairs might be related to Nunu. It's a similar kind of device. God. I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's gonna be. Yeah. The clip's gonna be when your chair up, just disappearing out of frame. Did you do this? It's like power play, man. Yeah. I swear I didn't do anything. You looked at me as if I was doing it. So somehow I don't trust you. But we've all. We've rigged that up. Yeah. What was the greatest pleasure? I was talking about your side dish. Pleasure. Some reason I've, like, just lost hope in life. Sure. You know, like beginning. Greatest measure. You just deflect. Yeah. Go home now. Okay. No, the. The. You know, the che. If you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side that's a bit burnt. Burnt. The pan scraping. Yeah. I want a whole plate of that. That's a good. Oh, this is definitely. It's the best bit. It happened again. Did you touch anything? Sorry. I'm sorry. Did you touch anything on the chair? I think you might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out. Right. I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure then? Cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer. That's the greatest pleasure. Pleasure. And I love the idea of a side dish which is just a whole plate of cheese scrap. Plate of that. Yeah. And I want it. I want it done like a fancy meal. Right. So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little center. Tiny bit. Yeah. A little basil on top or something. A little squiggly sauce line. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Yeah. I don't want it to look like dregs, but it's like dregs made to look like. Yeah, yeah. Some fancy. Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings for from? Yeah, pasta. A pasta lasagna. Like a really English lasagna. Yeah, yeah. We in. I was gonna say London. Yeah. And we are. So there's no. The riff doesn't really work. Said a weird London lasagna. Are we in London? Yes, we are in London. Exactly where we're. Huh. I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London? Are we in London? Yep. See you later. The worst riff I've ever done. Yeah. Come in. Are we in London? Get that on a T shirt. Yeah. So that like scrapey. Scrapey. That's great. I love scrapy on the plate. When you've got the fancy thing, are you having them like. You know how people put the triple cooked chips and they do them in like a Jenga towery kind of way? Is that how you're getting the. The scrapings up? Are you lining them up? Scraping, scraping. Are you lining them up in twos in like a little tower? I imagined them like a period pyramid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a sort of little tower pyramid. A pyramid of scrapy's grapey. Yeah, yeah. With a little garnish on top. Nice. And maybe even it has a fancy name like dragon there. Dragon on. Duh. Yeah, yeah. Is that the dregs? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what onder means. On the plate. On the plate. Drag on the plate. Drag on. Play. Yeah. This is my dream side dish. Yeah. I like the dragon dirt. Is there a particular, like, cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of or is it like a mix of cheeses or. Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into is the one that begins with E E dam. E dam. Because it melts well in it. Yeah. I think I've. Nothing I've ever melted e dam. Is it Adam? I think it is. It's one of the Swiss ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's is good. Yeah. You can have a scrapy. Scrapy Evans out. Yeah, that was. That was part of a lasagna. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lasagna. Who do you want to eat the lasagna? Because obviously you're not getting that. You're getting just the scrapies. Yeah. From it. Yeah. Who do you want to eat? You're gonna send that to someone to eat it because we've got to get rid of it. We're not going to throw that away. We don't like Wasting the dream or do you want. No, no. To suck it up? Oh, no, no. Not. Not go to waste. Well, you know what you did? What? What do you want? Noo. Noo. To suck it up anyway? So we're not having. Noo, Nooo. Suck the lasagna up. No, no. I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean? Who do you want to eat? You send it. Oh, there's, there's. We've got a table at the other end of the restaurant. Someone's there. Who's there? Do you know? I just. I send it to my mom to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean? She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying, this is my favorite new English dish. She'd be like, where's the sweet corn and the baked beans? They this one up big time. Your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day, and I want to eat it. So don't say, I want to eat it so much. That's great. Would like ink is the sauce. I don't know if ink was the source. Actually, I should have asked. Fraser can hear us. He's in the opposite room. Fraser, apologies. I didn't ask you what the sauce was, but maybe it's in because the sauce, but I don't know, man. Cuttlefish cottage is nice. It's like, really white and meaty, right? Yeah. I've only had it recently. This thing's delicious. Yeah, but lasagna, though. Lasagna is all layering cuttlefish, like bits of cutfish in a layer thing. That's what's putting you off. Yeah, man. If you're gonna layer something, you need. It needs to be spreadable. Do you know what I mean? This is like, cuttlefish is like a little bit to me. I don't know, it feels wrong. Unless you're like, putting in a blender and like, turning it into like, something like mint. Huh. I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, I feel like I. I didn't hold up my conversation. You've really dropped Fraser in it. Here face. I've dropped you in it so bad. I'm sorry, man. Have you ever had parmesan crisps? No. You know when. Oh, yeah. So grated parmesan. Put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly. So it's basically posh cheese scrapings Perfect. And you can buy them from, like. I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods. We can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps. Amazing. This sounds great. I'm obsessed with making the byproduct the main meat meal. Yeah, I think that's really good. Yeah. Custard, right? Yeah. The skin is the best bit. Now, I know this divides people. I know it divides people. I. I eat just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued. I wouldn't say no to that. Right. I did a. I. I never. I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin. Yeah. So I did a thing where I, like, basically got custard and laid put it out in a tray. So it was like. Like a centimeter thin. Great. And it was all skin. Right. But it didn't work. Oh. Because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again and I fanned it. Didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to, like, stay hotter for longer. I can say this. Well, right now, I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think. No. You're like Heston Bloomington. Yeah. But came. I want to hear the rest of it. But this is astonishing, because if I didn't do it a third time, then what? That I'd question my life decision even more. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all. You know what I mean? Do all the variables get the Bunsen burner out. You know? I mean, so actually, so what I did, I put it on, like, I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath, and it worked. Wow. This is why you're a success. This is why I'm a success. Yeah. This is. This is why I want a bathtub. Why don't you shout out custard skin in your space? I should have. My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree. What tree? Yeah. And you eat it, the pistachios off the tree. Because they're very different on the tree. They're beautiful. They're pink, these lovely little pink buds. And the tree is a very beautiful tree and it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year, and I was in love with this tree, thinking, that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was, but on that leaf app thing where it tells you what it is now. Phones do it anyway. It told me you take a picture and then it's like, Shazam's the tree. And pistachio came up and that was so exciting. I was like, oh, my God. Those little pink buds are pistachios. And you can open them and they're pink and they're small, sort of fruity, and they taste amazing. Wow. That was in Greece. I know any of what you've just said existed until you just said, I didn't know pistachio trees were a thing. I didn't know Shazam. A tree like this is. This is incredible. Wow. Yeah, it's really, really lovely. Yeah, I know. We always think of them as those open guys in bowls, and they're salty and they're colorless. These were really pink. Are they still in shells? Are there still shells? It was a shell. You had to kind of buy one. Well, you bite through that with your teeth. They're not. Obviously they're not as open. Is that when you take them off and you dry them? Maybe. I'm trying to remember. I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting the open. You. Bit noisy. Yeah. Your dentist will tell you off for that. Yeah. Molars. Yeah, it works. Did your dentist listen to this podcast? I haven't been in a while. Oh, mine does, obviously. Yeah. What you got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast, he lives in an animated. In a small village, like in a sort of Fireman Sam. Lovely. Yes. Where he knows his dentist. He knows his dentist with his full name. Yeah, yeah. And how long you been going to this dentist? Quite a while. Since 2018, I'd say, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that is when I moved to that flat. And then I just carried on going to. Even when I moved out. Card on seeing the same dentist. Because seven. Seven years that. That you've been seeing this dentist, have you seen him more than once a year? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist. And then I'll see them in the corridor. My dentist, I go, oh, just in the hygienist, you say, listen to that episode the other day. And then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode? Oh, no. Did I speak loads about sweets again? Is he gonna. I mean, probably in the bad books, James is very obsessive about things like that. So it's amazing. James goes to dentist every day to have his teeth brushed. Yeah, me again. Because you're ventriloquist. When you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth. I can. I can. Yeah. I can still talk. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while. Say. Do you do them saying, what great teeth you have? Yeah. Oh, Nando, your teeth are so clever. You don't need to come back for five years. Yeah, it's a. It's the. The very back of your mouth. You're using the. The back of your tongue and the soft palate. Oh, cool. To form. Substitute lips at the back and. Oh, wow. That's where you do plosives. Now that we're explosive. All over the wall behind you. Yeah, that's how you form plosives. Oh, wow. Tongue into the soft palate. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth. So that can be open and things can be in. And you can still say Peter Piper and all that if you want to. Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips. No, no, no. But I just. When something just scratches the wrong itch. Yes. It doesn't sound nice. Yeah, yeah. Sounds pretty horrible. Yeah. As well as whatever you said. Humping your tongue against the back of your palate. Something's nasty. Substitute lips is nasty. I loved the tone, but I would, if I was you, I'd be talking all the time during the day dentist. I absolutely love it. Well, especially last time I was there, like when I went in to the hygienist and the assistant just said hello to me. No small talk beforehand. As soon as they're in my mouth, they start saying to each other, so who do you think's going to win? Traitors. And I was like, are you kidding me? I can't get. I was having to, like, put my. Like, one of them said, to be fair to her, she said, the person who did end up winning. But I disagreed at the time. I put my. My hand in the air and I wagged my finger while they were in my mouth and they were like, you don't agree? I was like, but you left the dentist. They offered you a loyalty card. Yeah, yeah. I take that one up there every morning. A pistachio tree. Sounds amazing. We haven't had this join it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant, you say. We say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you. Yes. If it's. If it can be sped along a bit. Oh, yeah. No, no, I don't mean growing in real time. Okay. Yeah. But it's quite a long start. It's actually the most. The meal, if you're waiting for it to grow real time. Yes. A very long time. Most of the meal. Yeah, yeah. We don't know what the rest of it is. Yeah, yeah. Stuff that takes even longer. Yeah. Yes. They can roll it out. Roll it out with this big clump of earth. How big is it? I think it's on a par with another tree. Rome tree. Maybe that's not of a football goal. A football goal. Thanks for speaking our language. You took one look at us and you went, you're gonna have to make this about football for these lads. Hang on a minute. I think the. The four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree on our shoulders. All the trunk on your shoulders. And we reach our hands out. You're the trunk. Nice. And we should do that one day. We'll do that one day. And we're like acrobats on Ed's shoulders. All come out at different angles. Yeah. And with our fingers splayed and everything. Extremities out. And that each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts. I mean, this is really sad, but when I was in uni, I. I used to love a pot noodle sandwich. I just. It is sad. Yeah. A piece of white bread with a beef and tomato. Tomato pot noodle. Yeah. Spoon it onto the white bread. Yeah. Don't even butter it. Just fold it over. Just a pot noodle fold over. And that was a hearty meal for a starving student. Wow. And I'd never dream of making one now, you know, at the distinguished. Distinguished age that I am. But this is a fantasy dream restaurant, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Where what goes on in the fantasy dream restaurant stays in the fantasy dream restaurant. Yeah. So, yeah, I think I'd like one single white bread pot noodle fold over. I also remember, you know what? Like, I was so kind of unworldly with my foods. Like, the first time I ever had pizza was when I was a student at uni. I'd never eaten pizza. It just wasn't a thing that, like. I mean, it was a thing, but there was, like. There just wasn't. We didn't go out for. We didn't go to pizza restaurants when I was younger. Going to a restaurant just wasn't a thing. Thing that we did, really. Do you Know what I mean? Yeah. And I, and I also didn't like cheese when I was younger and I didn't know that melted cheese tasted so much differently to blocks of cheese. And, and a mate of mine and uni said, you want a piece of this pizza? It was a 99 piece Sainsbury's. Kind of thin smear of cheese on a burnt bread base and with like eight pieces of pepperoni on it. And I said, no. And he went, you sure it's good? You know, And I had piece. And it was the greatest culinary revelation of my life. Is that that single piece. And I'm glad I started with a 99 pence pizza because I've had to gone straight in Domino's. I don't. I probably wouldn't be able to tell the tale. I. It would have been too much for me. Yeah. So that moment was one of the greatest kind of shifts in my eating was the realization that melted cheese and pizza was incredible. And, and I started the world of pizza to enjoy from that moment. Moment. I started at the bottom. It's the best place to start now we're here. But you know what? If I could recreate that moment. Yeah. Of that first piece of pizza back then. Just give me that as a little side. Oh, yeah. Nice. So we're dispensing with the pot noodles. I think I want to give Chris both because I, I like both the pot noodle fold over. I think we're like doing like Chris's uni years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uni university years platter as the, as the side dish because I don't think we'll ever have a pot noodle fold over again. I think this. We've got to grab this with both. Yeah. Very much. Sounds like an invention that Chris has come up with. Yeah, yeah. Add it to towel socks or whatever. Yeah. Feet towels. Yeah. Trademark TM Copyright 2025. I don't know how Bartlett is going to respond to the pot noodle fold over. I. I can't see him going in on this. Well, if he's out. If he's out. If he's out for the feet towels, imagine Dragon's Den. He's out for the feet towels. Chris doesn't get investment. The next person in is Chris clearly just wearing a hat, holding a sock. Right. Hear me out. That's you. I know that's you as well. Back in the day, like going back to like, I don't know, late 90s or something like that. You go into a festival, like you went to the Reading festival or something like that. In the late 90s, they would have a Pot noodle stand, an official Pot noodle stand. Wow. Right. And. And it was a giant Pot Noodle. Yeah. And you go into the Pot Noodle to order a Pot Noodle. And I, like, I would. I would go in to get a Pot Noodle just because the thrill of being in a Pot Noodle was so much fun. Yeah. That you like, the idea of being in the Pot Noodle was better than the Pot Noodle. So it almost feel like you were going in, like, on a ride. Yeah. Do you want your dream meal to be in a Pot Noodle? A massive Pot noodle? A Christmasy one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, if it fits the. If it fits the format. Yeah, yeah, sure. Let's not forget that this is. This will have to be a big pot noodle restaurant in the middle of an episode of Frasier. Yeah. Giant Pot Noodle the size of the Seattle Space Needle. Yeah, yeah. But honestly, like, walk, like, so the whole. It just looked like. Because I could see back then. So for the people at home, it just looked like a huge Pot Noodle. Yeah. And. But the front of it was cut out like a little doorway. And you'd walk in the Pot Noodle and you'd come out the big Pot Noodle with a little. With a little Pot Noodle. And even just now, the thought of it's making me giddy with, like, excitement. It's just a thrilling thing to do. Where else do you get to go in the Big Thing and come up with a little version of the Big Thing? Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. There's not enough of that in life. Eiffel Tower, maybe. Yeah, well, okay. Yeah, that's a commemorative thing in it, like. Yeah, but. But not a natural working. Yeah, I know what you mean. Outside of landmarks. Yeah, yeah. The pop Big Pot Noodles. Probably the only example of that. I mean, if you got to, like, if you had a burger shop, make it a big burger, and then the amount of people that would go in the big burger to come up with a little burger. Yeah. Oh, your burger sales are to going through the roof. Yeah, yeah. Literally. Hey, guys, it's Kamel Nanjiani. My new standup special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. I am. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. My Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply that wasn't my call. It wasn't my call. Terms would not apply. But it's not my call. Terms apply. Call is from a correctional facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. In 2022, I started talking to the men and women inside America's toughest prisons. I got life in 104. Hearing stories of guilt, innocence, and everything in between. He said, you're the youngest kid in my prison ever being one of my prisons. He said, I want you to. From death row cells to wrongful convictions, these are the voices you've never heard. What was your first thing that you were planning on doing? Escape. And that was the first. 1 minute remaining stories from the inmates. Wherever you get your podcast from. Now. Normally on the best of episodes, we'd have a section about the national treasures who have appeared on the podcast over the last 2012 months. But this year, we've had global icons dine at the dream restaurant. I cannot believe these people agreed to be on the podcast either. Let's hear from Jeff Goldblum, Gillian Anderson, Kate Winslet. I've gotten to the point these days where I don't want to waste my appetite, which is always healthy. I can always eat and I'm always interested in eating, but I don't want to waste just any meal on just filling my stomach up with fuel. Although it's met medicine, and I want to do that. But I want it to be special and entertaining without being unhealthy and delightful. Wonderful an experience. I know exactly what you mean. You don't want to waste. Waste a meal at all. You want it to be nice, delicious, but also make you feel good afterwards. It's a difficult balance to strike. Yes. Don't you find? But a worthwhile little mission endeavor. And. And I enjoy doing that with other people because, as you know, it's a social event. I have a couple little boys and a wonderful wife, and we. And she cooks. And I love home cooking. We'll talk about all that. And I love the boys. They make me things. They're already very handy in the kitchen. One particularly is very helpful. He makes me every day a cup of coffee. Yeah, we have this nice machine, and he knows how to. He's very capable, better than I can, you know, when he's not there, I kind of don't use it. I don't make myself a coffee. You know, I'm a little bit like that. How. How old is he? Nine. That's incredible. He's been doing old barista. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he's fantastic. He's fantastic. And I'll tell you this now. It's now that it's come to mind. River, that's Charlie river, who's seven, another delightful boy. Amazing. He has. We had a pretend kitchen. Not like we used to have when I was a kitchen. What was that called? The, you know, Easy Bake Oven. No, he had some wooden blocks that came in the shape of a hard half a half a hard boiled egg and fruit and. And he liked having seen us in our kitchen having some fake pots and pans and coming over and serving. He's always been very giving and sharing and he likes to make things for us. He still does. He's a painter. He likes to give me. Da, da. Here's this. But he used to go spend a long time here. Here's some more food. Now. Don't. Yum, yum, yum, yum. D. How about that? Those are some of my favorite eating experiences. It was not even real practice. You're an actor, but you're always learning. Yeah. And you're there. You get to really perfect eating on, you know, so next time you. You do an eating scene, everyone's gonna be like, wow, you really ate all that food. Yeah. Well, now you brought up another. That's a portal into another subject which. Which interests me greatly. The craft of acting and depicting real life. Yes. There have been. I'm sure you've talked to many people about it. Ethiopia. In movies, kneading on stage. Oh, yeah. I could tell you a lot about that. That's a fantastic interview technique, by the way. To go. I could tell you a lot about it. Really. Well, thank you. I love you. These guys look great. You know what these guys look like? Wow. What specimens. What? These tattoos are fantastic. Thank you very much. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's got a lot of tattoos. Don't let him scare you. He's trying to scare you. They're fantastic. I like tattoos. And a caster. Yeah, a caster. I thought it was a caster when I read it, of course, but a caster, it reminded me of that, you know that word animacaster. You know what an animacaster. I don't know that word. No. You know what it is? No. It's kind of like a doily, but for the purpose specifically. And your grandmother might have had it, you know, on the couch. Which. Which gets rubbed and might get threadbare. Yeah. You put this little kind of piece of material kind of doily, like over it. That's an anima caster. Wow. I relate to that. You know, definitely offered. I could be, like, the buffer between, like, you know, something that someone really values and an unwanted presence. Yeah. And I might be the. The thing that goes in between that and stops it from. Yeah, from getting scuffed, emotionally speaking. He's very deep, isn't he? So much to unpack there. What a good brain you've got. Wow. Hey, have you ever eaten brains or all sorts of organ meats or exotic foods? He definitely has. I love all that. Really? Yeah. What's that, what's that, what's that called? Wait, wait, wait, what's it called? Oh, oh, Welsh. Rare. But no, that's not right. No, brains are called. When you eat brains, that dish is called. Why is it called. You know. You know. You know what I'm thinking of. He'll find it. There's like, the general term for all of that stuff. No, no, it's particular. It's particularly some wooden brains that he can. Did your son have wooden brains in his. No, no, he didn't know. He just had the standard stuff. Although I'm thinking about that movie, I think, the second Hannibal Lecter, doesn't he? That's right. Ray Liotta. And he starts, without him knowing, eating those fresh. Fresh brands right from his brain. That's. That's gruesome. But, you know, I used to. To like organ meat of all kinds. I'll tell you about my current regime, health wise. But, you know, liver and all sorts of things we could talk about at length. But what's it called? You're not finding it. Okay, okay. What's your name? What? There's a. The Great Bonito. Bonito. What? Give me. I'm very good at this. Give me the first initial of your last name. Bonito Woodhouse. Yes, correct. PG Wodehouse. That is correct. Read all of his books. By. By the way. Is that. Was that close? That is correct. But he's a Woodhouse now. That is his name now. It is now. Whatever you say his name is, is what it is. And we will always say it. Yeah, all right. We genuinely will. Very good. My girlfriend drinks a lot of apple juice. Oh, really? She. Yeah. Got to the point now she doesn't have to ask me to get it When I'm going to the shop. She'll need a new, like, massive bottle of apple juice. What brand? Are you allowed to say brands? Yeah, we are, but, like, I actually don't know this one because it's like, I've literally got it so many times from the shop. I don't Even see the label. Is it in plastic or in bottles? The glass bottle, you get a fancy. Yeah, that's a fancy one. That's a fancy one. No, no, it's big. It's like a huge glass bottle. You mean the big ones like that, like Martinelli's with the. No, but like, is this. It's quite a tall. Yes, like big bottle. It might as well be a wine bottle, really. Right. Like a Magnum. Yeah. And like that's always got to be. Anytime I'm going out to get something, I've got to get one of those because she's guzzling, like. Is she drinking it straight or is she putting. She's drinking it straight. She's not doing that. That's not for me. She's not doing this. It's like she may as well have like an adult sized sippy cup. Well, that's it. I think adding sparkling water to it makes it a grown up drink. It does. Whereas drinking straight apple juice. Is your girlfriend five? She's not. Just, just to be clear, when she was nine, which. When you met her. Still to come. Yeah, she told me that when she was nine years old, she had her first crush on a lady. Oh, she's ever had in her life. Can you guess who that lady was? Gillian Anderson. Well, I hope it wasn't her mum. Fingers crossed. Not her mom. Sorry, sorry. Why would I be bringing that up on the pod? Guess what? My girlfriend used to fancy her mum when she was growing up. What do you think about that? No, she loves apple juice. Oh, she loves apple juice. There you go. It was you. Oh, really? When she was 9? Yeah, it was just 9. She remembers it very clearly. She tells me it's her first female. She's. She's old now. Yeah, she's like in a late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but yes, you were her first. Well, and she. She knew. She knew at nine that she had a crush. Yep. She was like, this is. This is the real deal. Yeah, Right, Okay. Yeah. Like this, this lady is like, I can't stop thinking about her. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah. And what did your wife say when? Oh, yeah. I said, we're interviewing Julian Anderson tomorrow and she went like this. So there you go. Both of our partners are very jealous that we're speaking clearly. Yeah, rather. And apparently my wife is like Les Dawson. That was my impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed's wife's quite grubby. You miss Les Dawson now? When was this? You know, Les Dawson, old comic, old comedian. I'm gonna pick my references better moving Forward. Because you don't know Chuckle Brothers or Les Dawson. I'm learning, I'm learning. I don't know how much. How useful all the stuff you're learning is, though I do apologize for what we're filling your head with. He is a little bit like a ventriloquist dummy, isn't he? The way his manner is. Yeah. And the way you're. Yeah. Absolute. Very good. Yeah. Very good impression. Straight away. Yeah. This is the master at work. That's the clip, Benito. We've got the clip. That's the quickest anyone's done. It's really interesting. It's fascinating. I don't think I've ever met a live ventriloquist dummy before. You met Jimmy Carr, haven't you? I have met Jimmy Carr. You're right. So I take. Surely that was an X File Jimmy Carr. Yeah. If only. Popping out of a grave. If only. If only he was just an X File and that was all he was. That would explain everything. Oh, you mean a ventriloquist. I think we did have a ventriloquist dummy episode. Yeah, I'm sure you did. You must have done. How many episodes did you do? There must have been a ventriloquist. Yeah. What's the one that gets brought up to you the most? Because I'll tell you the one that everyone that I've heard everyone say the most who, like, watches X Files and they're like. Oh, yeah, go on with. They're like the scariest one. They're like, I can never sit on the toilet again because of that. That big. Oh, yeah. Oh, the worm. The fluke worm or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But whatever. Yeah. That's scary. Tombs, surely, and Tombs. Tombs, yeah, yeah. What one did you find most scary, like, to film, like, when you're probably the Jimmy Car episode. Out of the toilet, coming out the toilet like that. Oh, no, here we come. So yesterday, just coincidentally, there was this thing came up on my algorithm of James Cameron. Talk about all of his films. Films. They talked about casting you in Titanic and the whole Corset Cape thing before that, which I didn't know about that because for me now, that seems bananas. Bananas that you would have been called that or that because you've done so many different things. Yeah. It was the first time I'd heard it. Well, people do like labels and I think, you know, starting out in some of those great early things, I was able to do, like Sense and Sensibility and things like that. Yeah. People do like to sort of pigeonhole actresses and they don't really like it if you step outside of that framework that they have chosen that you're going to exist in. And so. So no, I'm. Yeah. Weird corset, Kate. Doesn't make any sense. And you were so young at the time. I think there's a lot of jealousy from other people probably giving you a nickname like that. But then, like, yeah, probably. I just think, like, for me, you're just someone who's always done so many different things that it's really weird to watch that and go, like, when did that happen? I know, it's bizarre. I think something that helped me kind of move beyond that was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yeah. Which I remember thinking, okay, this is. Okay, this. This could be good. I could be. I could be stepping outside of that and, you know, doing something completely wild and different. And that whole experience, actually, of making a turtle Sunshine was so amazing. I mean, Michel Gondry, who directed it, he's just avant garde and funny and bonkers and. And it was a great experience. I loved playing that character. There's a lot of improvisation in that film. I'm glad you've brought this film up, Kate, because I had to message James when we. When we confirmed that you're coming in and say, don't only talk about Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind. Because he. He will talk about it for a whole episode with a guest who's not been involved in the film at all. Oh, it is a good one. Why? He's gone quiet. Yeah, he's excited. He can't wait. He's my favorite. You can. We can talk about as much. I love talking. Talking about it. I mean, it was. It was an amazing shoot. And yes, there was a lot of improvising. I remember there was one night when I was at home asleep, and it was 2 o' clock in the morning, and the phone rang and it was Michelle Gondry. And he was like, you have to come. You have to come. I said, what? Talking about. He said, there is. This circus is coming into town and they have all this elephant. All these elephants. They are coming down Fifth Avenue. You have to come. I said, okay, okay. When are we doing that? He said, now is happening now. Right now. You have to get into cab and you have to. I was like, oh, my God. And of course, you get in a cab and of course you turn up and then improvise an entire scene with a load of elephants coming down Fifth Avenue. And it was. It was really amazing. And that's One of the lovely things about making films is that sometimes you do get to work with people who are brave enough to do these kind of crazy things. I thank God it was a great film. Right. Because imagine it was just a crazy guy. The film was awful. Yeah. Up at 2 o'. Clock. Come and improvise with these elephants. I know, yeah. It was all a bit of a. It was all a bit of a mad risk. But, you know, that's what life's about, I think, isn't it? Guess where he went recently and sent me videos of his whole trip. There. Oh, God. And now I'm going to pronounce it wrong, even though Montauk. Montour. The place in the turtle sunshine that you go to. He went there and he was really excited about it because he knew I'd like it. So he sent me videos of his whole trip. It was at the station that you guys are at. Oh, yeah. Went to all the different locations. It was absolutely. It was brilliant out there. I loved it. And it was. It was very, very cold and it wasn't meant to snow. And you know, there's that scene in it. I don't need to tell you. I don't need to tell you, do I? Where they wake up. They wake up in a bed on the beach in the snow. Okay. Wasn't meant to snow. Wow. And we got there late one night. Night the whole crew and cast, we'd all traveled out there, woke up in the morning, literally three foot of snow everywhere. So I called Michelle and I said, oh, God, what are we going to do? He was like, what do you mean? This is fantastic. We are going to shoot in that. And then there we are, you know, on the beach, in the bed, in the snow. Completely. I mean, I don't think you'll ever see that again anywhere. No. Because what are the chances? And it was freezing. But, yeah, completely amazing. I loved Montauk. There was a cafe, cafe that, that I would go to on the way to work and I would always get a coffee and a really delicious thick doorstop sized. It was in a sort of like an oatmeal raisin cookie with loads of lovely ground spices in it and nutmeg and things. And. Yeah, see, I love food. My kids always say to me, you always remember the places we went by, the food that we ate. Quite right, absolutely. Yeah. I really do. Yeah. I went on David Cross's podcast and I really annoyed him by asking him how many times a week does he think to himself, I was in eternal sunshine. The spotless mind. And he was like, never. I don't think that. Carrie, I'm making a birdhouse. I quoted that to him on his podcast. He did not like it. He remembered it. He was. Wasn't impressed by me for shouting that I. I did exactly what you've just done. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, come on, man. Yeah. What a line. There's such brilliant scenes as well in Waiting for Guffman. You've seen. Yeah, yeah. Please tell me you've seen. Oh, my God. That's one of our favorites. There's that scene I've been coming out to this landing site. The temperature is always the same. So, yeah, he's genius. He's so, so talented. Well, he doesn't like his genius being brought up to him, I'll tell you that much. Oh, okay. But it's fun. Fun to wind him up. He's a curmudgeon, so it was really fun. You know why he bumped his own podcast about how much I love eternal sunshine. He was. Was not happy. Not happy. I would ask you how often you think I was in eternal, but I imagine probably not much. Well, it comes. It's been coming up a lot recently. And what I think is amazing is. Is how that is turning into a bit of a cult classic and that there's a whole other. A little bit like Titanic, you know, there's another generation of young people who are discovering it, largely because of the music, because the soundtrack is so incredible. But that's. I just. I never would have expected that, you know, and people will quote to me that line, I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. It is a great line written by the great Charlie Kaufman. She. She was such an extraordinary character. Incredible. And those wigs. I mean, my God, they were all wigs. Yeah, I did get to keep a couple of them, which is pretty cool. Yeah. It was just an amazing character to play. And I really did feel like I could be quite free and experimental and learned a lot about myself as. As an actor through that process and sort of being brave and just trying stuff. That thing of, like, you know, just making mistakes that was positively encouraged by Michel Gondry. Yeah. Was there anything in particular that you did that's been my last eternal sunshine question. I don't believe you, but. Okay. Now I can see why David Crosscock cut you off so quick. He was furious. Gonna cut you off, darling. Go. Go on. Is there anything particularly that you did that was taking a risk that made it in the film. And you were like, I'm really glad that I did that. Yeah. I think there's that line when. In that. In that hilarious sequence where the memories are erasing. And there's a. There's a bit where. Where. Where the Joel character is being bathed in the kitchen sink by his mom. And then where there's that perspective set where he's under the day with so gentle years. And when I went, my crotch is still here. Look, just as you remembered it. And I flashed my knickers. That was definitely spur of the moment. Yeah, your knickers are wardrobes. I seem to remember they were pink. I don't think I'd ever wear pink knickers. Not in real life. Actually. I've got one more question. But. But. Okay, go on. It links to another film and stuff. Does it link to food, which is what this podcast supposed to be about. Come on. Come on. Did you and Elijah Wood talk about being directed by Peter Jackson at completely different times in his career? Because he didn't. He had. He was just about to go away. No, he was just about to go and start shooting Lord of the Rings. From memory. From my. From memory. He was. He hadn't gone yet. Cause you were like, maybe I'm wrong. Did you do his first film? I am wrong about that. No, he had done some of it. Elijah had done some. And he was going back, I think, to do additional shooting or reshoots or something like that. And no, he didn't talk about it very much. He's quite a sort of. Actors on the whole, don't talk about other jobs to each other just because it's just the work. It's private. I mean, I'm sure you don't talk about, you know, that show you did last night. We do all the time. It's the only thing we talk about. We texted each other last night about our gigs as they were happening, saying how great you both were. Yeah, yeah, of course. How funny you were and how much we love doing stand up and how we really respect our audience. I'm not scared at all. When you walk out onto the stage, we love the reaction we get and the audiences are perfect and they're lovely and. Yeah, yeah. We're so grateful. Great weirdos. We were good, though, right? You were great. You were great. Yeah, we were good. You were nice. You were relaxed. You were kind and you were funny. Yeah, pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't ask too many questions about eternal sunshine. I thought I was quite funny. You were very Funny? Was I surprisingly funny? No, you've been funny in films. Did you not know what you were gonna get and you're relieved to discover that? No, I think I knew you'd be a funny and warm and open interviewee. Okay, good. Yeah. I've seen you anything, so I was never. I was never worried about when you were coming in. Okay. Sometimes people come in, and we're like, I don't know how this is gonna go. And sometimes we're right. And when we finish recording, you're gonna tell me who was the scariest person. Robert De Niro. Oh, I don't think he's scary, is he? No, not scary. Just intimidating as a prospect. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I do. I can see that that might be a surprise to the guests. And he's. He's very. To the guests, to the listeners, very comfortable. Comfortable with not giving answers. Oh, oh. Oh, that Maybe. Okay. It was a funny episode, though, because our listeners know us, and they like to hear us flail sometimes. Oh, yeah, yeah. But that's. Sorry to tell you, but that wasn't a flailing today. We've not needed to flail. Good. Be honest with me, Ed. Did I ask too many questions about eternal sunshine? You always ask too many questions about eternal sunshine. And normally, to a guess, that wasn't in the. The film. Of course, there was one global icon that we were convinced was going to cancel on us right up until the moment he sat down in the chair to record. In 2025, we had Robert De Niro on the podcast. Let's hear from Robert De Niro. Robert De Niro and Robert De Niro. I was gonna tell you once years ago, when I was. I was in Thailand shooting the Deer Hunter, and we were shooting at the River Kwai, and they somehow somebody said, you want to have some cobra meat? So I. They. I ate cobra. Wow. And what was it like? It was. Okay. It wasn't great, but it wasn't. It was, like, cooked on us. They literally, over a fire, they're just like. Like marshmallows. And I ate it. So it had no. Nothing on it to kind of give it a different flavor of. Enhance the flavor or whatever. So the whole making of that film sounds like it was. It was pretty uphill, from what I understand. It was hard to get it, like, you know, made the way you wanted to, and then, like. And it was such a huge success, and now it's a classic, but it's pretty hard making it right. It was the toughest thing. Making it was the what was. It was. It was hard. But the, the helicopter stuff we did, because it was very complicated on the river, quiet, to shoot the chopper coming down to pick us up and take us off the bridge. Because when we were on a log, which was. You just think it's a log, but the log in reality would. Would roll. It wouldn't. So they put a big thing below to give it ballast, like a boat, so it would stay that way. So we had to come down the river on. On the log, get onto the thing. But the chopper couldn't land because the bridge was too low and it was between two rock faces and it was a narrower part of the river so that the water ran faster. So we had to raise the footbridge higher so that the chopper could get down. So we couldn't, as I remember, we couldn't go get on the thing. The chopper come down, take us away, one shot or whatever. So we did the first part going down, climbing up onto the footbridge, did that. Then the next thing we would do, the chopper would come down. It was able to come down, down because the bridge was higher. So it came down. And in the meantime, they have these boats called long tails, and they had them there, which is a car engine up here and a long sort of pole that. And then the propeller at the end and they. They steer the boat. And it had fallen down. It had sunk right on the other side of the bridge. One had. And it had these pointers. I don't know what they were sticking up. So we did the one shot with the chopper came down and Chris Walken got on, John Savage got on. I sort of got on, but I couldn't hold the runners because the runner was too thick to really grasp the way I should have and get my legs up. So I was just hanging from it, and chopper went down, turned around and flew back up. And then I just dropped into the water as we got close to the. To the edge of the river, and I fell in. Then we did it again, but this time I said, let's make the chopper back in so we're not turning around, wasting a lot of time. It backs in, Chris gets in, John gets in. I. That's fine. It backed in, came back. The chopper, for some reason, started rising before it should have. And the runners were under the cable. So those two walk cable, you put your arms as you're walking, it lifted the cable. So we were all of a sudden hanging below the chopper above the water. And I. I said, john, let's. Let's drop. Drop it away water and we do as. I thought it was going to fall on top of us and so we went under the water. What they do sometimes what, in my experience at another movie too, they have like, in a river or something, they have a, like two outboards going with a rope across. They go at the speed of the river. So if you, you grab onto the rope and you're okay. So that's what happened downstream. We came up soon we came up, grabbed the rope and as we were up, I see the, the, the co pilot of the chopper stepping down, down and lifting the cable over the rudder because they realized what they had done and then they got lifted and they flew away. And that's what we, we said, all right, that's it. We've done that. In those days they had six cameras. Yeah. Shooting, and that was it. Is it phenomenally dangerous? I mean, filmmaking must have changed quite a lot since then in terms of what the actors can and can't do. I, I don't know. I don't know who does what with studs and stuff. Some actors, I hear, like to do. So I don't know. It depends. So it's tough to think about food when you're in that situation. Yeah. So you'll take a bit of cobra. That's. Yeah, yeah, you'll have some cobra. Pop knobs or bread? Pop knobs or bread? Robert De Niro. Pop knobs or bread? What? Yes. Poppadoms or bread. So this is one of these moments I knew was gonna come. Yes. I need interpretation. Yes. James shouted poppadoms or bread. This is the next option within the drift meal. What is that? Poppadom's crispy Indian snack that you might get before you have a curry. Like a. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And you get those with all the Indian dips or bread. I'm assuming you're a crossbred. I'm a what? You're a crossbred. You know. Oh, no. Now we need another person. You know what? I like all kinds of bread. So that, that's Indian bread. It's sort of a crispy chickpea based thing. So that, that would come at the start of an Indian meal. So what James is shouting is poppadoms. Or are you going to go with bread at this point in the dream meal? Oh, it can be just whatever you like to have before a meal. When you sit down at a restaurant, sometimes there's prawn crackers, sometimes there's chips and dips, olives. You know, I'm easy. I like Whatever they put in front of me, as long as it's good. Are you a foodie? Do you. Do you like going out to eat? Come on. This guy owns a chain of restaurants. Try back a grill. This guy. He, he. It's a foodie head. Sorry. Sorry, Bob. I do like. Good. That was embarrassing. That was frankly embarrassing what he did just then. That's okay. Yeah. You might just be a good businessman. Oh, this guy. Look, I mean, how. How did I actually know the Nobu story and how you came to, like, be involved in it, but like, I think it's amazing. But how did you get involved? I was at. I was with Roland Jaffe, who's British director, and Rollins took me to this restaurant called Matsuhisa. It was Nobu's last name. And I said to him, as this is great. I thought this could work so well in New York. And then I used. I think it'd work well here in London. But first, you know, in New York it's easy to see. And so I said, if you ever want to open a restaurant. It was a long couple of years. We finally opened it, man. I had a similar thing with a juice guy, but he went quiet on me. James is trying to set up a juice business. Yeah, it's called Gone Bad. It's. It's, it's. It's dead now. It's dead in the war. The guy, he made these amazing juices at this restaurant in Copenhagen. And I was like, I want to start a juice business with this guy. And he was on board for a bit, but he's been ghosting me. He's not replying to my emails anymore. I don't know, you probably didn't have that problem with Nobu, but like, the guy just stopped. I suggested that we called it Juice Almighty, the. The thing. And I think that turned him off. Off. Yeah, it would do. Yeah. Yeah, it was a turn off. I think it wasn't taking it seriously enough. No, it's not a bad name. Thank you. Title or whatever. Yeah. You'd pick up a bottle of Juice Almighty if you saw it on the shelf. Well, the juice has to be good. Yeah. That's the bottom line, you know, this was. Juice is good. It all works. It was stellar Juice. Okay. It doesn't take. That's what you say. I have to taste it. Absolutely. And I wish I could give you some now, but the guy's gone quiet on me. Oh, well, that's. Now you have. It's gone fully quiet on me on the emails. What can you what can you do? So I imagine you don't have that. Imagine no one goes quiet. Can chase him down maybe. Look, I'm actually going to Denmark this week. If you want to come with me. Bob, I can. I think it would help other things to do. Imagine if you were on the email chain. I'll add you to the email chain. I'm. I'm not sure if you heard. You're not a fan of being on an email chain? No. That's not fun, actually, is it? Some restaurants are known for their great desserts. Sometimes what I do with friends is if we're arrested, we. We ask them just to pick out the three best of the lettuce. We'll share it. That's good. Well, that's nice. Are you. Are you good at sharing? Yeah. I usually eat off other people's plates because I don't want to have too much. So I nibble here, I nibbled over there. And plus, you save one full meal that you have to buy, so it's very, you know, it's also economical. So you'll go with friends, won't order anything, and they'll be like, I know what kids are. My kids are complaining to me that I take from their place. Will you. Will you ask or will you just reach across and go. At this point, I just do it. You know, I might have to ask sometimes. It'll be polite because the kids might be annoyed with me. That's a power play. You could do that for your dream meal. We could invite your kids to dessert. They all have a different dessert and you can pick off all their plates. Could do that. But now you're gonna have to choose three desserts for Bob's kids. Yes. Well, gotta have some ice cream in there. Yeah. What fl. What flavors, though? What? I like pistachio. There are some forgetting what place I've been to that great ice cream. Whatever the flavors were, I can't even remember, but they were terrific. And sometimes you get obviously cow's milk ice cream, but also like they do goat's milk ice cream, sheep's milk. You can milk anything with nipples, right? He always says that. That's his stick. He's the nipple guy. So which nipple are you going to pick for Bob? Cat. Cat. Cat Nipple. We've had quite down to this. Don't meet the parents. Yeah, I know. I'm doing Meet the Parents. Huge film for me. Huge film for me growing up also. That was one of my first introductions to you because I was a certain age. I was scene. I'm 40. Okay. So like when Meet the Parents came out, it's probably teenager. I was like, this guy is one of the funniest guys ever. I say to my dad, like, look at this. He went, that's what. That guy ripped your head off, that guy. Don't be laughing at that guy. He's a tough guy. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. This is really funny, man. And then I watched all the other films. I was like, oh, yeah, I see what my dad was talking about. Now, you've played a variety of characters over the years, but yeah, I was first introduced to you as just like a straight up comedian, but that was like the start of you doing a lot of comedic roles in a row. There's a whole. What do you mean? Teen comedy or. Oh, no, for like meet the Parents. Meet the parents. Yeah. Analyze this. Analyze that. Meet the parents. I think we did between Analyze this and that. When I watched Analyze this for the time. First. First time, it was probably under some of the saddest circumstances I've ever watched a film. I turned up at a kid's birthday party and no one else had showed up. Oh, boy. And it was just me and this other kid. Really? Was it your birthday party? It wasn't my birthday party. It's a different kid. And we sat there and just watched Analyze this while eating cubed up watermelon. How old, how old was the kid? How old were you? Teenage. We're in school. Like he had no, 14. 15 came to his birthday. But you showed up. Imagine. Imagine if it's your birthday and no one shows up apart from this guy. Just me. It's sad. It is very sad. Yeah. Me asking them, you know, it stupider questions than this. Imagine like I'm 40 now and I'm saying this kind of stuff. Imagine what I was. My conversation was like when I was a teenager. I. I don't want to imagine. I have nipples. Greg, can you milk me? That's all I was looking for. That's all I was looking for. I know, man, but he didn't even tell us what he wanted for starter. He's not going to do a quote for you. Fair enough. That's it for part one of the 2020. That's it for part one of the 2025. Best of. We're back tomorrow with part two. And we'll leave you with some humbling words from Joanne McNally. Billy, are you got to keep him Bazoa. I've. I've dated men before they make it their identity now. No, I've my. My main peanut. What? Well, they start a podcast about it. Do you have a food podcast? No, not this one. Joanne, where do you think you are? Jesus. That was for the listener. I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke. Yeah, and then when. When the penny dropped and Joanne realized what she had said, I thought, oh, that wasn't a joke. That's incredible. That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast, Sam?