Ep 269: Robert Popper

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster – Episode 269: Robert Popper

Release Date: October 30, 2024

In Episode 269 of Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster, the dynamic comedy duo welcome Robert Popper, a celebrated British comedian and author, to their unique “Dream Restaurant.” This long-form summary delves into the rich conversations, insightful anecdotes, and humorous exchanges that unfolded throughout the episode.

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Introduction: Welcoming Robert Popper

Timestamp: [02:47] – [05:14]

Ed Gamble and James Acaster enthusiastically introduce Robert Popper, highlighting his impressive body of work. They express their admiration for his shows like "Look Around You", "Time Waster Letters", and especially his renowned series "Ran for a Very Long Time". Ed remarks, “I first became a fan of Robert's when I watched Look Around You” ([03:22]).

James further lauds Popper as a “national treasure,” emphasizing his significant contributions to British comedy. The hosts also touch upon Robert’s latest project, "The Elsie Drake Letters, aged 104," setting the stage for a deep dive into his creative process.

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The Elsie Drake Letters: A Deep Dive

Timestamp: [13:53] – [19:18]

Robert Popper elaborates on his new book, "The Elsie Drake Letters, aged 104," explaining how it evolves from his earlier work, "The Time Waster Letters." He describes how he created the character Elsie Drake, a 104-year-old woman navigating the digital age with her newly acquired computer. Robert shares, “Elsie Drake is age 104. L.C. Drake is an alter ego of Robert's” ([04:03]).

He recounts the challenges and humorous situations that arose from writing hundreds of letters to various public figures, often leaving a £5 note to elicit responses driven by guilt. One notable anecdote involves writing to then-Prime Minister Theresa May, leading to visits from the police and social services. Robert humorously notes, “I wrote to Theresa May… and then we had another visit from the police” ([16:43]).

Ed and James express their fascination with Robert’s dedication, with Ed mentioning missed opportunities to contribute quotes for the book, adding to the light-hearted banter.

---

Crafting the Dream Meal: Preferences and Quirks

Timestamp: [20:00] – [29:59]

Transitioning to the heart of the episode, Robert begins outlining his dream meal, a central theme of the show. He emphasizes his selective palate, admitting, “I don’t like most food” ([24:53]). This revelation leads to a comprehensive discussion about his dislikes, which include seafood, nuts, olives, mayonnaise, and more. Robert provides a meticulous list, stating, “All seafood, olives, nuts… they’re fine, but if they break away from a cake, I won’t eat the ones that are on their own” ([69:37]).

The hosts playfully challenge his dislikes, with James asking, “Have you ever had a steak that has a crust on it, like with flour?” ([45:01]). Robert describes fond memories of his grandmother’s cooking, reminiscing about “square steaks with paprika” and his reluctance to eat certain foods in a restaurant setting to avoid appearing vulnerable.

Ed and James navigate through Robert’s unique preferences, discussing items like his preferred bowl of raw carrots as a side dish and his aversion to starters, which he finds unnecessary and revealing. Robert humorously notes, “I just don’t want to have soup in a restaurant… I feel like it ages you 30 years” ([32:53]).

---

Personal Anecdotes: Memories and Mischief

Timestamp: [30:00] – [55:00]

Robert shares a series of nostalgic and amusing stories from his childhood, particularly revolving around his grandmother. He recounts mischievous acts like putting hair in his father’s glass of water and his grandmother’s strict rules about using the family’s soda stream. “We used to pull bits of our hair out and put them in my dad’s glass of water” ([24:26]).

Another memorable tale involves Robert and his brother Johnny inventing playful drink names like "seam hour" and "La Ross", reflecting their youthful creativity and humor. These stories not only highlight Robert’s comedic nature but also his deep-seated memories that influence his work.

The conversation takes a humorous turn as Robert describes a chaotic episode of dropping carrot pieces into his car’s footwell, emphasizing his practicality and the everyday challenges of being a picky eater. “I had a bag of carrots and they’re just all over the pedals. Slippery” ([55:04]).

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The Dislike List: Comprehensive and Candid

Timestamp: [69:37] – [71:27]

Robert presents a detailed list of foods he dislikes, spanning various categories and showcasing his candid nature. Items on his list include:

• Seafood: “Fish, anything in the sea.”
• Nuts: “I don’t like nuts.”
• Condiments: “Mayonnaise, mustard.”
• Vegetables: “Asparagus, cabbage, beetroot.”
• Fruits and Sweets: “Apricots, raisins, white chocolate.”
• Other Foods: “Liver, lychees, pesto, garlic bread, donuts.”

He humorously adds, “Donuts taste greasy… raw jam” ([70:21]).

Ed and James react with amusement and surprise at some of the entries, creating a lively and engaging discussion about culinary preferences and aversions. This segment not only provides insight into Robert’s character but also resonates with listeners who may share similar dislikes.

---

Conclusion: Final Thoughts and Farewells

Timestamp: [71:27] – [End]

As the episode wraps up, Ed and James reflect on the engaging conversation with Robert Popper. They express their appreciation for his openness and humor, concluding with light-hearted remarks and final greetings. Robert pokes fun at the Dream Restaurant concept, ensuring to mention that he did not choose the dreaded “pot of pickled peppers,” which was a playful nod to the show’s humorous premise.

A notable conclusion from Robert: “I think that sounds good. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Yeah, it also sounds terrible” ([72:25]).

The hosts encourage listeners to check out Robert’s book, "The Elsie Drake Letters, aged 104," and tease future episodes with their trademark wit and camaraderie.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Robert Popper: “I'm gonna have a bowl of cereal. With 50 corn flakes. 50 Rice Krispies” ([34:04]).
• James Acaster: “You always feel like you're riding a wave of words” ([76:31]).
• Robert Popper: “All seafood, olives, nuts… they’re fine, but if they break away from a cake, I won’t eat the ones that are on their own” ([69:37]).
• Robert Popper: “Donuts taste greasy… raw jam” ([70:21]).

---

Final Thoughts

Episode 269 of Off Menu offers a fascinating glimpse into the mind of Robert Popper, blending humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions about food preferences. Listeners gain an appreciation for Robert’s unique comedic style and the creative processes behind his acclaimed works. The episode successfully captures the essence of the Dream Restaurant, making it a memorable addition to the series.

Transcript

[Robert Popper]

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[James Acaster]

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[Robert Popper]

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[James Acaster]

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[Robert Popper]

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[James Acaster]

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[Robert Popper]

Classes built to push you.

[James Acaster]

We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations.

[Ed Gamble]

What matters is that you have something.

[James Acaster]

There to adapt with you whether you need a challenge or or rest. And Peloton has everything you need whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power.

[Robert Popper]

Peloton visit onepeleton.com Ryan Reynolds here for I guess my hundredth Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no don't.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no. I mean honestly when I started this I thought I'd only have to do.

[Robert Popper]

Like four of these.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month.

[Robert Popper]

How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a [e-mail] switch whenever you're ready.

[Ed Gamble]

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[James Acaster]

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[Robert Popper]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Robert Popper]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Robert Popper]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[James Acaster]

Welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the minced beef of conversation, putting it in the bowl of The Internet and eating it like a huge bowl of meat cereal.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Simple.

[Ed Gamble]

Eating minced beef out of a bowl.

[James Acaster]

Carnivore diet.

[Ed Gamble]

That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invited the guests and we asked them their favor. Ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink? Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Robert Popper.

[James Acaster]

Robert Popper, one of the UK's finest comedy minds. James.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, I'd say. I first became a fan of Roberts when I watched Look Around. You'd.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, what a show.

[Ed Gamble]

As a scamp and then got into the Time Waster Letters, his brilliant books and of course, a lot of people know Friday Night Dinner and will be huge fans of Ran for a very long time. Rare in this biz.

[James Acaster]

Very rare. But Robert is, well, he's, I'm gonna say it, national treasure in terms of the stuff he's produced. James.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he is absolutely national. Trez. He will have treasure. Trez. I said national. Tres. That's like tres leches.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe.

[James Acaster]

Puddings aren't far from the brain. Are they always in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, Robert's got a new book now.

[James Acaster]

The Elsie drake letters, aged 104.

[Ed Gamble]

That's in brackets. Age 104. Elsie Drake is age 104. L.C. drake is an alter ego of Robert's. He's written loads of real letters to real people.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And absolutely wasted their time in a hilarious way. Some of these is absolutely mad what he's had people do and what people have been patient enough to converse with Elsie Drake about. It's so funny. If you've not read the Time Waster Letters as well, you should absolutely read these. This, I think, is us taking it to the ultimate. It's so good. You will laugh throughout. And also I really hope Robert talks to us about some of the stories behind these letters because I had a brief chat with him about what it was like writing these and he got himself in quite the pickle on more than one occasion.

[James Acaster]

Fantastic. Well, hopefully he'll tell us about all the pickles and maybe he'll pick pickles. But you've not given him a quote for the book. James, you do seem to like it.

[Ed Gamble]

He didn't ask me for a quote. I'm quite gutted to see that. Greg Davis, Ashton B, former Guys Cooper, Matt Lucas, Simon Pegg, Katie Wick, Richard Ayoadi, all of those people were asked for quotes and they've all been on.

[James Acaster]

An off menu, apart from Simon Pegg.

[Robert Popper]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

God, this is a good podcast, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

What? A good podcast.

[James Acaster]

But I wasn't asked, unfortunately, if Robert Popper picks a.

[Ed Gamble]

What? What has happened to you? What has happened to your voice?

[James Acaster]

Benito knows what I wanted to do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you could do that. Yes, definitely. You should do that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. If Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

That should be the secret ingredient. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that should be it. Because we were going to say Jalapeno Poppers because of his surname, but actually we should say if Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers, then he's out. He's out of the Dream restaurant. Oh, no.

[James Acaster]

It's the best one we've ever done.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the best one we've ever done.

[James Acaster]

But hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pickled peppers or he's out of the Dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Well, let's find out if Robert Popper will pick a pot of pickled peppers.

[Ed Gamble]

He might do it.

[James Acaster]

He might do it.

[Ed Gamble]

He's got a funny sense of humor. Yeah. He might be on his way here thinking that'll be funny.

[James Acaster]

Well, let's find out. This is the off menu menu of Robert Papa.

[Ed Gamble]

Papa.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Robert, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Robert Popper]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome Robert Popper to the Dream Restaurant. With mixed venue for some time.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, could you do that louder, please?

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome Robert Popper to the Dream Restaurant for Best buddy for some time.

[Robert Popper]

Thank you so much.

[James Acaster]

Did you. Did you want it louder? Just to get the full experience. Do you feel like you're not. You didn't get the full genius?

[Robert Popper]

I just wasn't. I didn't quite get the shock I have normally when I listen to it. Yeah. Because it just comes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But I can see you doing it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So I wanted a. I didn't get that shot, but I got the shot. I kind of got a shot, a residual shot the second time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think so. That's the loudest I've ever done it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, definitely.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, like in person. That's the first.

[Robert Popper]

And that's just the last episode ever. It's going to be a podcast, an episode full of firsts.

[James Acaster]

I think we were planning to announce that, Robert. But you didn't.

[Robert Popper]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, do you want to explain to the listeners why it's the last ever since you wrote the.

[Robert Popper]

Well, they read the. They know what you guys said. You know, we all know what you said. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Whether you agree or not, that's a different. I don't want to get involved in that. But.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

You know, some of the things you've said, particularly recently.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Meant that this has been, you know.

[James Acaster]

We just think all viewpoints should be aired regardless of whether we stand behind.

[Robert Popper]

That's one of your attitudes. Have you seen Douglas's cancel?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, no, still not seen it.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, well, there we are, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I haven't. I said. Yeah, but I. I thought. I thought we were still making this up.

[Robert Popper]

I'm just going meta now. Straight in.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought. I thought it was something you'd made up. I'd never heard of it before, so I thought. Oh, we just thought you'd go with. Yeah, I thought we're still making.

[Robert Popper]

No, no, no, no. It's actually. It's an ITV show about a man being. And I haven't seen either.

[James Acaster]

Karen Gillan's in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, shout out. Shout out to Karen Gillan.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, big shout out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, big shout out. Do you want to shout out any other celebs before we crack?

[Robert Popper]

No, no, no, I'm ready now.

[Ed Gamble]

You sure?

[Robert Popper]

I'm ready now.

[Ed Gamble]

You can shout out a celeb if you want.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, what celeb should we do?

[Ed Gamble]

Just say shout out and then the first slip that comes into your mind, first celeb.

[Robert Popper]

Nigel Farage.

[Ed Gamble]

Shout out. I can't even bring myself to chat.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, that's what you. That's, you know, linked to what you said recently. So.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, to be fair, we were talking about the controversial comments that we've made.

[Robert Popper]

Exactly.

[James Acaster]

And apart from this episode, of course, we will be releasing our Christmas special with Nigel.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, it's going to be roast beef, isn't it, for every single course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, just, just, just.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Including, I mean, roast beef juice for the drink.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely.

[Robert Popper]

We'll have it all mashed up in a bucket or something, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Horrible.

[James Acaster]

Big old trough.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. In a little horse bag. Just found his. On his nose.

[Robert Popper]

Totally sleeps.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you a foodie, Robert?

[Robert Popper]

I'm. I am not a food. I mean, I like. Obviously. Here we go. Everyone says I like food.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I eat food. I exist. But my problem is this, right. My problem is most food in the world.

[James Acaster]

I don't like most food.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. And I've done a list. I'm not going to read the list because, I mean, you can have the list at the end because I know one of those foods, because there's so many, will be the food that gets me evicted.

[James Acaster]

Right, okay. But you're allowed to. You would Be allowed to mention it. It's just as long as it's not on your menu.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, okay. Okay. Well, I'll take it out later, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. There is a list because you made.

[Ed Gamble]

A list of food that you don't like.

[Robert Popper]

Well, I. I've always wanted to do this list because my wife said, it's ridiculous. There's nothing you like. And I go, I know there's nothing I like. Because when I go to a restaurant, I see people going, oh, I could have that. And I'm like, right, well, I can't have that kind of that. What can I have? I can have that. Oh, it's got that in it. Oh, I can't have that. Oh, I'll have that then. And that then. So it's sort of, you know, 40 pleasure, but stress.

[James Acaster]

But the list of things you don't like, they're sort of fairly common things that crop up in a lot of.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But when you say can't have that, is it because diet? Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

No, no, no. I could eat anything.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

You know, I mean, I'll eat wood.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I can't eat glass.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Robert Popper]

You know, fish. Anything. Fish. Anything in the sea. I can't do that one.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't like it.

[Robert Popper]

So that's quite a plain, ordinary thing not to like, isn't it? Or not.

[James Acaster]

I think a lot of people don't like fish. Yeah. I think that's fair.

[Ed Gamble]

I've met people who don't like fish before or people who don't like fish if it's too fishy.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Any. Any. People go to. What about smoked salmon? I go, that's fish. Yeah. Prawns?

[James Acaster]

No, that's fully blanket. No.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Nothing in the sea.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

For taste and weirdness reasons.

[Ed Gamble]

What. What's weird?

[Robert Popper]

They're just weird, aren't they? Fish, you know, See? Yeah. I remember the first time I went snorkeling. I mean, I had a snorkel on. It was in Antigua, and I couldn't. When I went under, I saw, you know, thousands of fish, and it was like, fucking hell, this is going on. All this shit's going on while we're up here. It's got a whole different universe. It's an outrage, basically. And I just. That was one of the extra things I can't eat. And they're too weird. They're just like. Yeah, it's just like they're alien. They're kind of alien and weird.

[James Acaster]

See, that's interesting that your reaction to Realizing there's a whole other universe going on down there. Wasn't. Wow, that's amazing.

[Robert Popper]

It was amazing. But then no one told me this. This much was going on everywhere.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Fish everywhere. Like jellyfish.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I don't know. There might be a shark here. There's just so much going on. Meanwhile, we're just out of the water. We're living and they've got their stuff there. Yeah. Like properly intense living.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And, yeah, that kind of blew my mind.

[James Acaster]

But that. But then only angered me a little bit.

[Robert Popper]

It was a bit angry. Yeah, it was a bit of an outrage.

[James Acaster]

And that meant you didn't want to.

[Robert Popper]

Eat them because definitely cemented my. I can't eat these.

[Ed Gamble]

These because of how much is going on.

[James Acaster]

And that's fairly like if you're snorkeling. That's just there. Right there.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, right. That's what I mean, right there.

[James Acaster]

But what do you think about. There's bits of the ocean that humans have never even explored and no one really knows what's going on down there.

[Robert Popper]

Well, you mean the ones where David Attenborough pretends to be in the thing going to the bottom. I need them. Those alien fish?

[James Acaster]

The ones with the lights. The ones with the lights on the head.

[Robert Popper]

The ones with the lights on head, yeah. What do I think about. Well, that's an outrageous. It's all an outrage. The ocean.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It's just an outrageous. And it really. I think we'd all agree with that.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I mean, I mean that. I don't know. I think if fish found out what we were up to.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. I don't know. I think they.

[Ed Gamble]

Dry land, they would be more outrage than us when we find out what they're up to.

[Robert Popper]

I think they wouldn't get much time to process it because as soon as they're on dry land, that's it. That's it in it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Maybe that's why. Maybe they could breathe, but they're just so shocked they maybe die.

[Robert Popper]

Maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

We'll never know.

[Ed Gamble]

And there's dive shock.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of the time there's gasping.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Maybe it's that. Maybe it's shock.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They can't believe all the stuff we're.

[Robert Popper]

Doing and they saw a podcast. That would be just too much.

[James Acaster]

Also, that sounds. It sounds a bit like a fishing thing, doesn't it?

[Robert Popper]

A podcast. What about that? That's a good one.

[Ed Gamble]

A cod.

[Robert Popper]

That's a good one. A podcast. Have you ever thought about doing one about them? Like a spin off off about that podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Think about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Just talk about fish every time.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What's going on down there?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. And the meals you, you could make.

[James Acaster]

You know, you wouldn't be a guest on that one because you famously don't like fish.

[Robert Popper]

I'd be a bad guess.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, before we get into your proper menu and talk about food, we must talk about the LC Drake Letters because this is very exciting. For those who don't know, you've been writing books for quite a while. Absolute. I'd say every comedian in my generation has read and loved your time Waster letters.

[Robert Popper]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

And they look a big like part of the comedy. Furniture, furniture, furniture, furniture.

[James Acaster]

Let's all have a go.

[Ed Gamble]

Comedians of our age. Do you want to talk about, Let listeners know what the LC Drake letters is? What the idea.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, thank you, James. Yeah, it's. Well, I did these stupid books, the time wasted letters, years ago, pretending to be a man called Robin Cooper. And I wrote to stupid British, like, hobby groups, I don't know, the National Table Tennis association or whatever. And when I finished doing them, I loved it so much I wanted to do more. And I thought of a different character years ago and I started piddling around with her for a bit. Her name's elsie Drake. She's 104 and the sixth oldest woman in Britain. And she's just been given a computer. So it's sort of chaos. She doesn't really know how to use it. And I started doing them for fun. I wrote to Tony Blair, got signed to Elsie, wishing you better. I think she broke her ankle or something. And then I put it away and I kept doing it for a bit over the years. And then last year I suddenly thought, you know what, I'm gonna write this, finish this book. So I wrote hundreds of letters. I always put a five pound note in all the letters. It cost me a fortune. So they write back, you know, out of guilt. And I wrote to, you know, lots and lots of different people. I did quite a lot of food based things. So she'd write to Greg, she, me and making pies. So I did a pie which was, I think, can't remember what it was, but I think he had tuna suet. Right, Tuna. I had to handle tuna suet and think it has kidney and a piece of banana in it. And I made these pies they call priest's fingers. So that's. My great grandma used to make them. My wife would come and go, what is that smell? Oh, I'm making these pies. Okay. And then I package them up. I'd write to Greg, say, would you stock these? They're delicious. And I go to the post office. They'd always say, what's, what's in the envelope? I just have to say socks or something like that, you know, for a cousin. They don't know there's like a disgusting stinking point. They'd write back, we don't want that. And then I do another pie. And then from Wimpy, I made like burgers. We say that she loves the Wimpy burgers so much that we had a Wimpy party to raise money for Wimpy. I see. My wife didn't know as she came home to find what I'd done was I put like a little table in the garden and adorned it with Union Jack flags, with signs saying Wimpy Burgers, one pound each. And I made Wimpy burgers out of this old mince we had in the fridge. I used that. I bulked out with spaghetti, carrots, big pieces of carrots. Cooked that in the oven and then with two pieces of white bread battered on top. And I laid them out on dishes. And she said, you know, the neighbors can see they get sent that. So it's a lot of meat and food. Yeah. And it's all about her life. And she lives with this mad woman called Mrs. Hale who they clearly hate each other. There's a lot of tit for tat. Like there's a lot of. Like when she wasn't looking, I poured ink in her bed and stuff like this. But people write back probably a bit through guilt. But yeah. And that's the book.

[James Acaster]

Did you find it easier to get responses when you're a 104 year old woman? Do you feel like.

[Robert Popper]

I found it really hard because people just don't write letters. So I had to write. I wrote 644 letters.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

For the book. I was like, that's mad. My exercise was walking to the post box with like 20 letters and jobbing them in with £5. Sometimes. Sometimes, though, just occasionally, I put £35 and I say, I mean, it's closing £35. Is that enough? Please don't send us any more money. Okay. The sort of, the maddest one was I wrote to Theresa May when she was Prime Minister in 2018 when I did a big block of these. And I said, I want to be your maid in waiting, whatever that is. You know, I'll do the maid stuff. I'm your maid in waiting. And talks about how her and her friend Bessie Bates used to, who's 99 and used to clear up these. This old house and it was full of rats and maggots. It's foul. And she gets abscesses and things like that. Anyway, and I send money and they write back, thank you very much, we don't need a maid in waiting for Theresa May. And please, you know, don't send any money. And I write again. I think I wrote three times. Anyway, I was out at a meeting and my wife was. Sorry to interrupt me. Can I talk to you? Second short. I just had to knock at the door, open the doors. Two police officers. We've been sent by 10 Downing Street, Theresa May's office. Yes, is there a lady called Mrs. Elsie? This is the first of quite a lot of visits, by the way. And she said, sort of, why concern? There's a very old, maybe confused lady who's been sending money, wanting to be her maid and keeping him. My wife had to say, oh, that's my husband, he's a comedy writer. Oh, okay, okay then. All right, so he's a comedy writer. Okay. And then they left and then we had another visit from the police after. I wrote to. I can't remember where it was. It's somewhere like Blenheim palace, saying on 104, I'm planning a very big party to celebrate my 110th birthday in six years time. 110. And we had the police around for that. No, in fact, that wasn't the police. This is the worst one. That was social services. Social services turn up our house and they said, hello, I'm here from Social Services assessment Team. We just saw the kids and go, why? We have reason to believe there's a 104 year old woman in this house and we need to check her safety. And I had to go, I'm a comedy writer, my name's Robert Popper. She said, can I see your ID? I got ID'd in my own house. And I said, do you want to come in? She goes, yes, because I need to check every single room and cupboard in the house for this old lady. Okay? So I let her around the whole house and I opened every cupboard and she said at the end, you've proved to me that you do not have a lady called Elsie Drake's 104 living house. And I said, do you want a copy of the book when it's out? She said, no, thank you. There's just loads of visits.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I mean, it's reassuring that they are doing their Job.

[Robert Popper]

That's what I mean.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

People were very kind. Yeah, that's why I said they were. They were kind. I got a lot of gifts, which I go to charity. Yeah, it was. It was, you know, flowers. Lots of flowers.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It all leads up to a wedding. She meets a man called Mr. Ralph Roberts, who's 100, a younger man, and people get invited to a wedding and they got, like, flowers. Penny Mordant sent loads of food. The head of Land Rover wanted to pay for all the transport to the wedding. And I got flowers from him. It's insane. Oh, my God, it was insane.

[James Acaster]

You'd be an amazing fraudster if you ever wanted to stop doing books.

[Robert Popper]

Maybe I shall be.

[Ed Gamble]

You could be as ludicrous as you like. And people.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, exactly. You know, maybe I should do it for bad rather than almost good. That I'm doing it now for.

[Ed Gamble]

We always start with still a sparkling water.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, really? I don't know. I haven't heard this. How does it work? Well, I'm not the first to say sparkling is awful.

[Ed Gamble]

Sure.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, it's just ridiculous. It's not. That shouldn't be. That's not a drink, is it, really?

[James Acaster]

I think it is a drink.

[Robert Popper]

It's a drink. Yeah. It is a drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But it shouldn't be served as a drink because to me, first of all, it tastes like. Like if you've left a two pee in the water for a few days and the bubbles are just oxidizing, like the metal oxidizing. And they're like. This is science now. Oxidizing bubble. That's what it tastes like. So when you drink it, it almost hurts your mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Robert Popper]

I'm gonna say it's just, you know, that sort of.

[Ed Gamble]

It's painful for you.

[Robert Popper]

It's like. Like an elastic band hitting the top of your roof of your mouth. Have you ever had that?

[Ed Gamble]

I had an elastic band hit the roof of my mouth. Never before.

[Robert Popper]

No.

[James Acaster]

No, I don't think I.

[Robert Popper]

No, I haven't. But I imagine it's just nasty wondering.

[James Acaster]

If at school, you know, when people fire rubber bands around the classroom, whether I ever opened my mouth and one went in there.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, that would be proper bingo. That would be. That would be perfect.

[Ed Gamble]

That would. Proper bingo.

[Robert Popper]

Proper balls. Not even. They say bingo now in dark.

[Ed Gamble]

No, that'd be proper bingo, mate.

[Robert Popper]

I think it's. It is bingo now, definitely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

They change if it gets.

[Ed Gamble]

They say proper.

[Robert Popper]

They modernize the game.

[James Acaster]

They have a. They read out numbers at the end, all the darts players have A card. And if they hit all of their numbers then it's proper bingo.

[Robert Popper]

100, 180, whatever that is.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, whatever that is.

[Robert Popper]

Whatever that is.

[James Acaster]

It seems like you don't like things where there's too much going on under the surface.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So the ocean, sparkling water.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I suddenly remember talking about sparkling water when I was about 12 and when I said the sentence out to my wife I realized there's something weird in it. But we, our neighbors lent us a soda stream. That's weird, isn't it? And it was in our lounge on the like cabinet, like pride of place. And my mom said, don't touch that. That's Roy and Anne's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

She passed her driving test on her 13th time and crashed into our wall. So you're not to play with that. Obviously. I play with that. Coca Cola syrup. Foul.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But my dad used it to make fizzy water when they had like guests around because it was kind of quite suburban, isn't it? That's what they did. It's cheaper.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I don't know what they traded it in for or when they gave it what the agreement was. You can have it for a month or we have to come round and use it. But I made. I wanted to know what fizzy milk tastes like.

[James Acaster]

Of course.

[Robert Popper]

Is that a thing? Look, have you done that?

[Ed Gamble]

That's what everyone wants to know.

[James Acaster]

When I was a kid I thought, what would fizzy. You think about that, right?

[Robert Popper]

What would fizzy milk do you remember?

[James Acaster]

Well, I don't think I ever did it.

[Robert Popper]

No. Well, I did it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. And it is bad. Yeah, it's bad. And it bubbles up quite thick and my mum found me and I got in like a lot of trouble for that. She clogged it up and said, Roy and Anne are going to be livid.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Roy and Anne are going to be.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. He did have a temporal. Yeah, yeah. Because someone, one of my parents friends commented on his wife's driving once, which she was bad.

[Ed Gamble]

She was really bad.

[Robert Popper]

13Th time. And he said something to her like, probably learned to drive. So it's my parents friend who was coming around and then got knocked on the door and it was Roy and he had like, he clearly had some anger issue and he went mad.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And it was going to be a fight. There wasn't a fight, but there was almost a fight.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Again, something bubbling beneath the surface.

[Robert Popper]

Exactly, yeah. Just like the ocean and almost sparkling water.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're having still water?

[Robert Popper]

I'm having still water, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anything in it salt, maybe Robert, like in that program.

[Robert Popper]

I'm going to have tap water.

[Ed Gamble]

Seriously though, you did that as a kid.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You were your brother.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. Water was used a lot. You can ruin a meal easily.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Just a glass of water in the plate. It's gone, you know, it's dead. That's what Johnny's. My brother Johnny's. That's what he used to do.

[Ed Gamble]

Just pour your water.

[Robert Popper]

We also did a weird thing when I had a bit more hair. We used to pull bits of our hair out and we would put them in my dad's glass of water. Sometimes from when we had a Friday night dinner. It was just a weird, horrible joke and we never told him what we were doing. And you would see him like halfway through them, he was just going, picking his tongue, like, what is in my mood? That was our private joke for a long time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's disgusting.

[James Acaster]

That's a good trick, is what I.

[Robert Popper]

It's a good trick.

[Ed Gamble]

You like that? Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

You should try it.

[James Acaster]

I will try that.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, do that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

You could do it on James. Yeah, he wouldn't like that. Pop Dobs or bread problems or bread. Robert.

[Ed Gamble]

Papa Pops or bread.

[Robert Popper]

Okay. I. Papa Dom's for Italian bread. For curry. I will have bread. Actually. I want a specific type of bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'm going to take a step back.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Robert Popper]

Because I don't like most food. Much food. Most food. I said, because I don't like most food. It's really hard to choose, like your dream, dream meal. So I think the feel of my meal should feel more like a meal I'd enjoy if I was in a dream. I think it's a bit like that.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Robert Popper]

You know, like. Because I, you see, people think I had the most beautiful. My brother, the most amazing meal is amazing. Shows me pictures of his food. I'm never. I like. Yeah, I had a really nice. It was nice. But I can't even remember what the best meal I ever had is. So I'm just going to go on. I would enjoy that. And I probably enjoy the weirdness of the meal as well. So that's going to be my dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Is this less of a dream meal, more of a meal dream?

[Robert Popper]

It's both. It's like a meal I could have in a dream and go, I had the best dream ever and the meal was amazing. Listen to what I had and where it was. And then the person I'm telling to. Because dreams aren't interesting. Go, oh, wow. Amazing. But I would feel like that was the best meal I ever had.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Because you couldn't go into a restaurant and have, like, this setting and.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

These choices.

[Ed Gamble]

So what?

[Robert Popper]

First of all, I'm gonna have a toaster on my. On my first. I want a toaster on my. On my. On my. On my table. It's called a table, isn't it? Yeah, table.

[James Acaster]

It's your dream.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Call it what you like.

[Robert Popper]

They have them in dreams as well. You've dreamt about table. We all dream about tables.

[James Acaster]

I don't think even a dream, a table would never stay a table, I don't think. Because you look down and then it's something completely different.

[Robert Popper]

You're right. That's the thing about dreams. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They're not consistent.

[Robert Popper]

They change. Yeah, they do.

[Ed Gamble]

They do all the time.

[Robert Popper]

What are we on? We're on bread, aren't we?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

There's a Jewish bread called Holla. Don't you ever had it? Platted bread?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That's my favorite bread. It's beautiful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Toasted. Best thing in the world. So I'm gonna have. I want my own toast. I'll tell you why. Because people don't know how to toast it because it's got a sugar in it and it burns.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Robert Popper]

And I know how to do it low setting. I want my own toaster. I want the loaf and I'll cut it and I'll have. I'll eat half a loaf. Toasted butter. Beautiful.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the secret to toasting it?

[Robert Popper]

Just cut the bread, put it in the toaster, turn the toast low. The toaster low. Yeah, it's done.

[James Acaster]

Are you. Do you. Are you good at it to the extent that you can just put it on the low setting and.

[Robert Popper]

No, I want it done.

[James Acaster]

Or are you checking?

[Robert Popper]

Lots of checking.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And also turning off at the mains. Putting spoons in and pulling them out when you. It's all up.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, of course.

[James Acaster]

Thank you for.

[Robert Popper]

Do you do that as well?

[James Acaster]

Safe.

[Robert Popper]

And turning off that thing with the spoons, and you just think it is off, isn't it, the toaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

If I want to check the toast, I'll probably just hit the cancel button.

[Robert Popper]

But I mean, if it gets stuck in the toaster.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I don't normally just put it on and then turn it off and stick the spoons in. I do know that, like, I know the lever works.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Stuck in, like, bent. Because it's quite a floppy bread.

[James Acaster]

I'll just tip the Toaster upside down and just sort of bash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So what's the dream aspect of this one then?

[Robert Popper]

Dream aspect probably hasn't started yet.

[Ed Gamble]

No, not yet. No.

[Robert Popper]

Because this is just a bit. This is sort of the pre meal bit, isn't it? Just a bit of toast. Toast. Just, you know, a bit of bread. Toast. I mean, I'm allowed toast on it. Yeah, I'm allowed.

[James Acaster]

That's bread.

[Ed Gamble]

You are, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

This is easy, me into the meal. Yeah, I guess, you know, you get the role. I bring around the rolls and things.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And they have seeds on it. I want those. They have nuts. And don't eat nuts or they'll say, this is our tomato bread. Tomato. Tomato.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It's just. That's not food, is it?

[Ed Gamble]

Tomato bread.

[Robert Popper]

That's just words, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Tomato bread.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't like seeds on the bread?

[Robert Popper]

Not really, no. No.

[Ed Gamble]

And nuts?

[Robert Popper]

No, I don't like nuts. Any nuts? Coconuts. That's not a nut. Or is it a nut?

[James Acaster]

Hmm, Is it? Naturally?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it is.

[James Acaster]

You wouldn't get a bag of coconuts, would you? A sack of coconut on one of those things behind the bar in the pub. Clipped up.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. 199, sir.

[James Acaster]

Try roasted coconuts, please.

[Ed Gamble]

But you like coconut. But you don't.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, I like coconut.

[Ed Gamble]

But you don't like nuts.

[Robert Popper]

No, I don't like nuts. They always say, I asked if it has nuts in and they always say, you allergic? Every time I say, no, I just don't like nuts.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you ever get any, like, attitude back?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, you don't like nuts. Why don't you like nuts? I don't like the taste.

[James Acaster]

I really like your list of. Your list of things you don't like is. It's whole categories as well. So you're not specific about it. So it's like fish nuts. They're just all gone.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, they're gone. It's sad because I could be enjoying life more.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah, I think so. We'll get into your menu proper now then. So now we're entering the dream.

[James Acaster]

I'd say the toaster on the table has a.

[Robert Popper]

It has a Dali esque quality to it, One would say.

[James Acaster]

Slightly offbeat, isn't it?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean we could have it that it's not even plugged in at the main. So you can. But it still works. It still works. And you can pick them.

[Robert Popper]

I like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever you like in there, I love that. And you'll be fine.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, no manes. Just dream power.

[Ed Gamble]

It kind of gallops along the table like a little horse.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, lovely. Yeah, yeah, we'll do that.

[James Acaster]

Great. It's a horse toaster.

[Ed Gamble]

It's your dream starter.

[Robert Popper]

Okay. You won't be surprised. I don't want a starter. Okay. I'm going to have a starter, but I don't like starters.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there's no need.

[Robert Popper]

I will eat food. There is going to be a meal in this episode, but I don't like starters. I don't see the point. I think a meal is. You have your main, you get that done, and then you get your reward, which is dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Robert Popper]

And you do. Yes. You do not need a starter. You don't have a starter at home. When you sit down, you have a starter. I have a starter and then I have a main. I just don't.

[James Acaster]

If I have a takeaway, I have a starter.

[Robert Popper]

What starters do you have?

[James Acaster]

It depends what takeaway I get. So I got.

[Robert Popper]

Do you have. If you have a curry, do you have a starter?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Onion bhaji.

[Robert Popper]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Get an onion bhaji or a prawn puri and I'll. This doesn't annoy. Annoy my wife's because she puts everything all on the same plate.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, I like that.

[James Acaster]

And I'll. We'll put it all out in the kitchen. Say we're having a curry and I've got onion bargies. Maybe a prawn puri. I'll put that on a plate, go through to the other room, eat it. They'll be like, oh, I've had my starter now. Then I go back to the kitchen and serve myself my.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, okay. That is pretty good. That's pretty good. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I do have a starter at home. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You seem to find every bit of that amusing, Robert. When you were listening to that, you were merely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Look, I'm just.

[Robert Popper]

Can you tell me that again?

[James Acaster]

Painting you a picture of my home life. I'll do it with a different. So if I get Turkish food.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'll get halloumi.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, I like halloumi.

[James Acaster]

I'll put that on the plate. I'll go through to the other room. I'll eat the halloumi. Yeah. Like I'm in a restaurant.

[Robert Popper]

You separate the things and you go. You actually move location. Yes. Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So you won't bring the main in with. What rooms are you going from to kitchen. Food is in the bathroom.

[James Acaster]

Food's in the kitchen.

[Robert Popper]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

And then I'll go through to the sitting room. I'll eat the food there.

[Ed Gamble]

But you've got a dining table in your kitchen, though.

[Robert Popper]

Is this where you watch in front of the tv?

[James Acaster]

Tv.

[Robert Popper]

Okay, tv.

[Ed Gamble]

He loves the tv.

[James Acaster]

I'm not going to sit in the kitchen inside.

[Robert Popper]

So you go in and watch your soaps that you like.

[Ed Gamble]

Soaps?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Two curries on a Wednesday. Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Back to back.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. And I'll eat. I'll eat my starter and then you'll.

[Robert Popper]

Walk in and then I'll go to.

[James Acaster]

The kitchen and I'll get.

[Robert Popper]

I'll get the rest of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My kitchen, you can't sit and eat anything anyway. It's small kitchen. But then why don't you take it.

[Robert Popper]

All in then into the TV room and then just dish it out?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I just take it all into the TV room because we've got a little table in there. So let's put it all on there.

[James Acaster]

I don't want to dish out and go to the same place.

[Robert Popper]

I know what you mean as well. It's a hard one that. Just don't have a starter. Don't need a starter.

[Ed Gamble]

Pop themselves.

[Robert Popper]

But I. If I had a starter. Okay, if I had a starter, I.

[Ed Gamble]

Have to have one.

[Robert Popper]

No, no, no. I've been thinking it through. I would have soup. I like soup. I like chicken soup. I like vegetable soup. But it's weird. I can't really have soup in a. In a restaurant. I feel it's kind of. It makes you look quite vulnerable, you know, just like a. Like it ages you 30 years, first of all, just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup. So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you got a nice soup and it was lovely soup.

[Ed Gamble]

Let your guard down.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. You just having lovely. Just talk about the soups. Lovely soup. That was lovely. I'd have that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But in a restaurant I don't want to have soup.

[James Acaster]

What about it makes you feel vulnerable, do you think? And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup?

[Robert Popper]

I just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look, you know, I just look older. I look, you know, what AM I now, 26? I just feel like it just makes you look like an old person having soup in a restaurant. Yeah, it's not a good look. I think people pity the soup drinker. That's why I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That's why I'd say, yeah, I think it's pity.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have the nap?

[Robert Popper]

I could choose if no one's there, then, couldn't I?

[James Acaster]

You choose. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I have no one there.

[James Acaster]

Or you could eat, you know, like the. The autol thing, that French dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks.

[Robert Popper]

What is that?

[James Acaster]

It's a tiny little bird. Yeah. They don't. They don't want God to see them eating this tiny little bird. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

What's wrong with the bird?

[James Acaster]

Well, it's just so small and beautiful that it's, like, considered a shameful thing to eat because it's delicious, but it's like a whole little bird.

[Ed Gamble]

And they're eating it whole.

[James Acaster]

They're eating it whole. So they put a blanket over the head so God can't see them eat it.

[Robert Popper]

And it's. It's cooked. It's a cook bird.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I think. Well, I've never seen it.

[Robert Popper]

They eat it whole.

[James Acaster]

They eat, I think, the beak and everything. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And this is a thing now. This happens now.

[James Acaster]

I think it's more of a thing in the past. But it was on succession.

[Robert Popper]

Right.

[James Acaster]

As well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They did it on succession. Succession. Where Tom Wamsgans does it.

[James Acaster]

But you could do that with soup. So.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. No, I think people even more. I know they would be looking at me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you cut a napkin into your car?

[Robert Popper]

I can't do that. Yeah, that's too. Do you put a napkin. It's demeaning.

[James Acaster]

It is demeaning. But, yeah, I do do it.

[Robert Popper]

But I know what I'd have.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Robert Popper]

Before dinner at home around six. I always get a bit peckish. Hungry. You know that word? And I will have a bowl of cereal. Right. This is my dream. This is what I want.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'm gonna have a bowl of cereal. I'm gonna have a bowl. Right. With 50 corn flakes. They go in first. 50 rice Krispies.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That's mad. But I'm gonna have.

[Ed Gamble]

This is what you do.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Honey. Yeah. I don't want it served with the thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Now.

[Robert Popper]

It's not shaped, the wooden thing with the thing that looks like. You know. Yeah. And then they. It drips everywhere. Squeezy honey on it. Cold oat milk.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And I want that now in terms of.

[Robert Popper]

I really enjoy that soup.

[James Acaster]

Age, as you say, is.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Does cereal have the opposite effect?

[Robert Popper]

That's a good point.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Forever young.

[Robert Popper]

It would not. It would knock a month off.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

No one's. No one's going to be looking.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But I could choose who's there. If not, if, you know, could I have a button like, you know, when you see. Sometimes it says call for champagne in this. Can have a button in it and it changes the people.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So who do you want watching?

[Robert Popper]

I know who I want. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Because I saw these people in a restaurant. I had a meal about five years ago with Tom Rosenthal and Simon Burg from Friday Night Dinner. We had a disgusting meal somewhere. All the food was awful. It's brilliant. And sitting at a table about four away from us was Alistair Campbell, you know, the labor, with Mick Hucknall.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They were together.

[Robert Popper]

They were together having dinner. So I want them. But like, every table has them. Like 20 tables.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

All there, eating, having different conversations, but I can't quite hear them. I don't know if they're talking about politics or music. And it's quite annoying, but interesting. And I'll have them there and they can watch me.

[James Acaster]

So 20 tables of Mick Huckmill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I want that while I'm having my cereal just so I can tell people afterwards. I had the freakiest meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I had cereal and 20 replica make Hucknalls and Alistair Campbell's were watching me.

[Ed Gamble]

Are they moving in sync? Are they all.

[Robert Popper]

No, they're not moving in sync.

[Ed Gamble]

So they all have their own.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, they don't even know. They don't see themselves and go, that's me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

They're just in like their own little.

[Ed Gamble]

Void, having different conversations.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. I can never quite hear them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I wonder what they were doing together.

[Robert Popper]

I don't know.

[James Acaster]

Maybe Mick Hucklan was the original. Instead he was supposed to do the rest is politics instead of Rory Stewart. That was the original meeting. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Could have been.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It could have been that, couldn't it?

[James Acaster]

Could have been that. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Would it be more successful or less successful?

[James Acaster]

I feel like it's the opposing Labour conservative that makes that show work. And you can't have both of them being simply red.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, beautiful. I mean, beautiful.

[Robert Popper]

That was. I mean, come on, if this was live.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That would be it, wouldn't it? And then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later. That's not quite as funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Explain when we try Simply Red song.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That doesn't quite work, the name. Yeah, I think what that is.

[James Acaster]

Fairground.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, that definitely doesn't work.

[James Acaster]

Fairground.

[Ed Gamble]

That joke was Fairground.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The bowl of cereal. You say 50. 50 because it's a dream.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We can make anything happen. Do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically? Do you want it?

[Robert Popper]

No, I'm going to go horizontal.

[Ed Gamble]

Really? Yeah. I would want a vertical.

[Robert Popper]

But how do you do that?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's a dream.

[James Acaster]

We may as well just have two.

[Ed Gamble]

We can make this happen for you. That you got like half and half like from the top.

[Robert Popper]

Well, saying that when me and Peter Sarah Finowicz used to write look around you. Our treat at the end of the day was we buy a Mars bar, right? And we cut it in half vertically and call it a vase bar. And that was our treat. So maybe in honor of that I should do this, you know, have it vertical.

[James Acaster]

I love the insanity that people go through when they're. When they're.

[Robert Popper]

Come on, you know. You know what it's like. It was our vase bar. We'd have it one a day. He did a thing which was something like all the fun of a mars in a mist. It's like a Mars spray that you spray into your mouth.

[James Acaster]

What does it if a mars a day helps you work, rest and play. Right.

[Robert Popper]

Work, rest and pray.

[James Acaster]

Just wondering what avars did.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. What does avase do?

[Robert Popper]

Oh God.

[Ed Gamble]

Ferq fest and vey.

[Robert Popper]

I don't know what it is I could do. Work out what it rhymes with this. You gotta leave this in. Yeah, this is no way coming out. You've got to leave this. I just don't know, James. No, I don't know the answer. I don't have a funny answer to that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's okay. Joe. What? I think it's. It takes a grown up to admit that it's very mature.

[Robert Popper]

Thank you very much.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I wish. I'm a comedy writer. Yeah, but you've admitted failure. I'm stumped.

[Robert Popper]

What a difference a day makes.

[James Acaster]

Swap your airport transit, wait for an exciting stopover in Qatar where idyllic beaches and vibrant souks are all just moments away. Enjoy a 24 hour Qatar stopover with 5 star hotels from only $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.comstopover Terms apply.

[Ed Gamble]

So good, so good, so good. Perfect gifts. We've got them at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Ugg, Nike, Barefoot Dreams, Kate Spade, New York and more. Finds everything on their wish list all in one place.

[Robert Popper]

Steve Madden. Yes, please.

[Ed Gamble]

It's perfect.

[Robert Popper]

Did we just score the greatest gifts of all time? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Head to your Nordstrom rack store to score great brands, great prices. The greatest gifts of all time.

[Robert Popper]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for Career Day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B.

[James Acaster]

But with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn the place to be to be sharing all the joy that the holiday season brings has never been easier with celebrations passport from 1-800-flowers.com my one stop shopping site for even those hard to gift people. With Celebrations Passport, I get free shipping on thousands of amazing holiday gifts like festive flowers and arrangements and fresh fruit and gourmet gift baskets from Harry and David. Make the holidays merrier by gifting smarter at 1-800-flowers.com acast. That's 1-800-flowers. Com acast.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do.

[Robert Popper]

The opposite of what big wireless does. They charge you a lot, we charge you a little. So naturally, when they announced they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right.

[Robert Popper]

We're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month.

[Ed Gamble]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month.

[James Acaster]

New customers on first 3 month plan only.

[Ed Gamble]

Taxes and fees, extra Speed slower above 40 gigabytes.

[Robert Popper]

C. Details.

[Ed Gamble]

So your dream main course?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, my dream main course. So my dream main course is. It's like, it's a. It's something I like and it's not. This is normal, you know, it's normal food.

[Ed Gamble]

So again, we're still not really in this. This dream that you're talking about is mainly applying to the gas.

[Robert Popper]

Well, now I'm. The restaurant is the setup of my. My grandma's old tiny flat.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Robert Popper]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you press the button.

[Robert Popper]

I press the button.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

The McLight and come. They're like eviscerate. They vanish. Either eviscerate. I don't know if they're eviscerated, but they're gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe they're eviscerated.

[Robert Popper]

Maybe they are. Maybe. Don't know. They're gone. And now it's my grandma who I loved. She was great and in a tiny flat. I'm in a tiny flat now and my grandma was like insane and I can do her voice. So Like, I mean, I could phone my mum up and she would have long chats with me and it's perfect. I would even phone my grandma sometimes and talk back to her in her voice and her brain would go, what? So she, she escaped from the Nazis, basically came over here. So. And she, she spoke, she spoke like this. It's wonderful to be here. Wonderful. This isn't strange that I'm talking like this. Now, that's my grandma. So I'm going to be in a flat and she's going to serve me my favorite comfort meal. When I went there, it was either meatballs which were on the list. Don't like them. That was bad because they were big.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't like them, no.

[Robert Popper]

Do you like meatballs?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because they were big. Is that why they were big?

[Robert Popper]

But there's more of them. So there's meatballs or you get the good one. Which was. So she had this tiny, tiny little kitchen. Tiny. And if you took one step in there, she goes, no, go away, go away. Leave me. Go inside. She didn't want you in the kitchen. Yeah, it was tiny. No, it's not nice. Sit down. Go, go. So you sit down. And then she'd wheel the trolley through. There'd be a trolley and she used to make. She'd have this like cast iron saucepan and she make these like square steaks and she cook them in, I don't know, it must be an East European, like loads of paprika and flour. That'd be like a crust. And she make these little potatoes, she boil them and then she cooked them in with a steak. And I have them and green beans. That was my meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And while I'd eat them, she'd say to me, why are you not eating some meat? I said, well, I'm saving it to the end. No, you should eat the good thing first. What if a bomb or if you have to escape? Well, okay, hopefully there won't be a bomb. I have to escape. So it's kind of like a sort of third generation Holocaust trauma meal dream. That's what it is at the moment. Yeah, but that's what I want.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, first of all, that's a very nice memory.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. But also she would sometimes, and she did this regularly to me and my brother Johnny. She go, she'd be in the kitchen, she'd come out and she'd have an onion and her hand peeled. Do you like an onion? Sorry? Would you like an onion? What, to eat raw? Yes. No, thank you. Why, you don't like Them to me it is like a juicy apple. And then she would eat the onion in front of us. And me and my brother be watching this very elderly, short, quite tan lady with dye blonde hair eats an onion from beginning to end in front of us.

[James Acaster]

That's a power move is what that.

[Robert Popper]

Is, I'm telling you.

[Ed Gamble]

Intimidating. Would she maintain eye contact as well? For the whole.

[Robert Popper]

It was, it was poor full eye contact while the horse racing was playing.

[Ed Gamble]

On the TV behind Mimi and Margulies. Does that.

[Robert Popper]

What's that?

[Ed Gamble]

Eats a full onion.

[Robert Popper]

Does she really?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. She mentioned it on this podcast and.

[Robert Popper]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe she's my grandmother made her do it.

[James Acaster]

That would be a real twist.

[Robert Popper]

That would be a twist.

[Ed Gamble]

Marglies could be your grandmother.

[Robert Popper]

Even though my grandma's not alive.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And you know what your grandma looked like.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. So it's definitely not like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Would you want. She must have a.

[Ed Gamble]

We can ask her.

[Robert Popper]

You've got a contact details, don't you, Bear? Yeah, we'll ask.

[Ed Gamble]

Can I ask her?

[Robert Popper]

Do you want to ask her now? You could, you could do it. You went on the. On your phone before you could do it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Are you Robert Papa's grandmother? Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

She'd probably answer.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Is it just a cut of steak? Is it like square? A square cut?

[Robert Popper]

It was square. I don't know what meat. I mean, I know what meat it was. It was beef.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It wasn't horse. And it's just a square juicy piece of meat with loads of paprika.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It's quite sort of spicy. Ish. Had this crust on it. Oh, it's delicious.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And I really love the crust.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, I can cook an ice steak and it doesn't have a crust on it, but this was the only one I had. Have you ever had a steak that has a crust on it, like with flour?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Robert Popper]

It's nice. Yeah. Yeah, it was really nice. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've never had it but like, I never even heard of it before. But both times you've mentioned the crust and you've been like, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Cause I hadn't thought about it. I was thinking, what will I eat? What food? I eat so much chicken, I can't eat chicken. Oh, this? Yeah, I'll have this. Yeah. With her watching me, telling me to hurry up before the bomb.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's a real generational way of thinking about the order. You should eat your food.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Have you heard that one before? Have the good stuff first. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Cause I was told, save the best stuff till last.

[Ed Gamble]

I was Told.

[James Acaster]

But my mum always used to do that. She said when she was a kid, save the good stuff till last. But then there were, like, loads of other kids at the table, so they'd just lean over and nick it when she was saving it. That doesn't feel fair, does it?

[Robert Popper]

It's not fair. It's a cruel world. It is a cruel world.

[James Acaster]

But I still did it. I still stuck to it.

[Robert Popper]

Grandma was. She was like, obsessed with. When I was little, like three, because I didn't eat anything like today. So she would try to make me eat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And she used to give me. I remember this. I haven't had it since I was fat already. Ribena and milk. Oh, that is what I'd be given. And she would try and make me drink that because she thought, it's got sugar in and milk and it's good for you. And if I was really unlucky, she makes an egg in it. So it'd be Ribena milk and an egg. That's what I got.

[James Acaster]

You've had more weird milk experiments than most people I've met.

[Robert Popper]

You're right, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You've had milk every which way.

[Ed Gamble]

I have, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Do you have Ribena and milk? It also. It curdles.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Robert Popper]

It's foul.

[James Acaster]

It's interesting that it curdles, but you don't want to then drink.

[Robert Popper]

No, you don't want to then drink. And I imagine the egg binds it.

[Ed Gamble]

Some way, but tastes even worse.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. It was sort of brownie purple drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Which is not. Never a good color, really.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my gosh. Do you like milk these days? No.

[Robert Popper]

That's on the list. That's on this.

[Ed Gamble]

You got the oat milk.

[Robert Popper]

Milk. I'm an oat milk man.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'm a media milk man, you know. It's a media drink, isn't it? Oat milk.

[James Acaster]

Oat milk, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Earl Grey with oat milk. That's what I have. That's not good, is it? That's my tea of choice.

[James Acaster]

I think it's.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, it's good, but it's a good.

[Ed Gamble]

For someone who's very picky about food, Earl Grey is quite surprising, quite jazzy.

[Robert Popper]

I think I've gone off normal tea now. It's not on the list.

[James Acaster]

We used to do a shot when we were teenagers which curdled. You do a shot of Bailey's into your mouth, hold it in your mouth, then a quarter shot of lime juice in there, and then shake your head around and it curdles in your mouth. Called a cement mixer.

[Robert Popper]

How would you see it? You'd feel the bits. It curdling. Oh, that's foul.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Did it when he was a teenager. Yeah, the cement mixer.

[Robert Popper]

Well, me and my friends, we invented a drink that I think is worse. It's called a tominto and it's tomato juice and creme de mont and that curdles and that is foul. And we. We were writing something years ago and we came up with that's the drink of their choice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And then we went after. About five years later, we met up. We've never had one. We went to a pub in Soho, the Jon Snow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

We went normal pub. Went in there. Can't you say. You say hello, I. Pinter lager, please, and a tominto landlord. Just chatting, people. So what was that to mention? What size? Tomato juice and creme de monte. Okay. It just poured the tomato juice. Lent over, did the shot of 160, please. Years ago. And it was this brownie red curdle drink. And it's like a tomato mint alcoholic taste. And it's foul.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, you've got to try it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

It's worth it. Green. It's got to be green.

[Ed Gamble]

The Jon Snow.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. I think it's still 160.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That does the best one you've ever had.

[Robert Popper]

Right to Mento. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I asked Bill Nye for directions of the John Snow.

[Robert Popper]

Did you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

While he was in here. No, direct me from here.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And what did he say?

[Ed Gamble]

He didn't know I was.

[Robert Popper]

It's quite a specific thing to ask. And what. How did he say it? You know, I do your Bill Nye.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I'm afraid I don't. It's not bad, I'm afraid. It's a bit Ronnie Corbett, I think. I think he actually said. I can't say that I do.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. That's good.

[James Acaster]

It got better, didn't.

[Robert Popper]

That would be the line they give him.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

He probably saved if the line said I. If I did, he would say, I prefer to say it like that. Yeah, very good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, I believe you now.

[Ed Gamble]

Now you have to press a button now and your grandmother's going to disappear. How do you feel about that?

[Robert Popper]

That's fine. She's had her use, you know, she can be eviscerated.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I've got to get eviscerated.

[James Acaster]

Well, we know. We weren't sure. We weren't sure, were we?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. And there's like a, you know, 10% chance that they are. But I'll take that risk.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So I press the button and she's gone.

[James Acaster]

And where are you now? Have a look around because it's side dish.

[Robert Popper]

I'm back in the restaurant. I don't know where I am now, but I'm in some restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Maybe a French restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

In France.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You like France?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, I like France, yeah.

[James Acaster]

How often do you go to France?

[Robert Popper]

Once a year. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Same place? Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Three years running.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Maybe this will be the last time we go there. It's probably going, you know what, we've been here enough now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But South France.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Robert Popper]

Very nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Do you like France, lads? Yeah, just using the travel one. You do as well?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Off road.

[Robert Popper]

Off road. Very good.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Robert Popper]

Very good. There's some ideas here. Isn't it off the beaten path for Plosive, the company.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

What do you think, Ben? It's good, isn't it? Off road?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, off road. Yeah, I like it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's good.

[Robert Popper]

You and Bill Nye walking the streets of Soho.

[Ed Gamble]

Me seeing if he can find.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. He doesn't know anyways. Hasn't heard of anywhere. Do you know where anyone? Doesn't know where anywhere anywhere is?

[Ed Gamble]

He does.

[James Acaster]

That's a good format, isn't it? Taking Bill Nye to places that he's never been before and ask him if he knows his way around.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah. He has to find it. There's no gps. You. Well, you've got to. You've got to find it, Bill.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, that is good. I mean, it genuinely probably is quite good. Yeah, it is quite good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

You're in Taiwan.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it get greenlit for sure.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't think it feels like he does have a smartphone anyway.

[Robert Popper]

No, I don't think he does because.

[James Acaster]

He just walks around singing all day. Have you read about that?

[Robert Popper]

No, I didn't know that.

[James Acaster]

He loves learning a new song every day and he just walks around singing out loud. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

Was he singing?

[Ed Gamble]

No, he's not at all.

[James Acaster]

Unless he was learning a song called I. I don't think that I do or something.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Silent Night. Did you get it? Because it was silent? Yeah, yeah. This is gold, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Silent Night.

[Robert Popper]

Silent Night. I said silent Night. You. You win.

[Ed Gamble]

Dream side dish, Robert.

[Robert Popper]

Bowl of carrots. Raw carrots.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. My favorite thing. Yeah, yeah. Raw cat in a bowl.

[Ed Gamble]

It's your favorite thing.

[Robert Popper]

I think it's like the tastiest food in the world. A raw carrot.

[James Acaster]

I thought you said ball of carrots.

[Robert Popper]

Not a ball of carrots. No. A ball of carrots wouldn't be the tastiest. That would be. That's impossible, isn't it? A ball of carrots.

[James Acaster]

It's a dream restaurant.

[Robert Popper]

It's possible, then. But I want a bowl of carrots. Raw carrots.

[James Acaster]

And nothing. No dip with them.

[Robert Popper]

No, just raw carrots. I eat them all the time. Don't peel them, wash them. Cut the ends off. Give the bits to my dog. Yeah, and eat the carrots. They're beautiful, crunchy, sweet. If you get a good one, they're delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

It's really funny. Funny that you give the bits to your dog.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, he loves carrots.

[James Acaster]

Does he?

[Robert Popper]

She. Yeah, Lolly, that's her name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Labrador. All it wants is food. It follows me around once, sort of loves me. It's more like the animal that lives in the house, really, you know, that's our dog. You've got a dog?

[James Acaster]

I've got a cat.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, nice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Love cats.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. He's very precious about what he eats, though.

[Robert Popper]

What's your cat called?

[James Acaster]

Pig.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, great name.

[Ed Gamble]

Good name. Is it?

[James Acaster]

Do you know about James's cats?

[Robert Popper]

How many cats you got?

[James Acaster]

Do you want to guess?

[Robert Popper]

Four.

[James Acaster]

Okay, four.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, sorry.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, I'm allergic to cats and I like cats. I would have 40 cats.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I love them. Four cats. What's that like? Brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

Brilliant. Love it.

[Robert Popper]

We. We had this. We had this decorator in recently and he would. He. He was very nice. He wouldn't stop talking and bit like me and he said, like, yeah, you've got a dog. Yeah, yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, I've got cats. So how many cats you got? 20. Just.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

Wow. 21. I bought a white cat yesterday. I've always wanted a white cat. 21 cats, wow.

[James Acaster]

Imagine having 20 cats and you've not got a white one yet.

[Robert Popper]

I know, it's like.

[Ed Gamble]

It's collecting.

[Robert Popper]

I want a white. I wanted a white one.

[Ed Gamble]

That is on 21, surely.

[Robert Popper]

So does your house smell of cats?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, it will do.

[Robert Popper]

Yes, it does.

[Ed Gamble]

Mine doesn't. I don't like.

[Robert Popper]

Not yours.

[Ed Gamble]

21 cats. There's no way it won't.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, 21, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's not your house anymore, is it, really?

[Robert Popper]

It's the cat's house.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's the cat's house.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got four cats and I have to, you know, that's. Be mindful each day.

[Robert Popper]

So it's quite low to look after four cats.

[Ed Gamble]

Luckily, they're pretty chill. All four of them.

[Robert Popper]

They all get on.

[Ed Gamble]

They all get on a little.

[Robert Popper]

Gang names.

[Ed Gamble]

Terry.

[Robert Popper]

Terry Good.

[Ed Gamble]

Alex.

[Robert Popper]

Also Good.

[Ed Gamble]

Rue, Rue and Spider Man.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, they're four classic names that go together.

[Ed Gamble]

Alex also goes by Cheeseburger Jones. It depends on the vibe, but yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, Alex is often called that on those.

[James Acaster]

Alex is short for Cheeseburgers.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alex Jones, the conspiracy guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I know you like it. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's why this is the last episode.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you're just walking around the house quite often just nibbling on a carrot.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Carrots, yeah. If I'm writing on some. Have a little bowl of carrots, you know, it's a nibble on. I don't have nuts. Can. I don't like nuts.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you can have it. You use the word can't quite liberally.

[Robert Popper]

I could.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't want to.

[Robert Popper]

I don't want them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Hate them. You hate nuts. So you have to have.

[Robert Popper]

I have to.

[Ed Gamble]

I must have carrots and. And these are full size carrots. When you say bowl of carrots.

[Robert Popper]

Well, I think I'll cut them in. I'll do the vertical. I'll do a vertical.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'll varet them. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Are you just varying? Because often when you get.

[Robert Popper]

I might do other. I mean, it depends on the things I might do. Two more.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So you know. Yeah, I kind of.

[James Acaster]

You know what, when you said a bowl of carrots, I was like, oh.

[Robert Popper]

Man, that's a bowl though, isn't it? It's better than the plate.

[James Acaster]

But whenever I have carrots, like carrot batons or something like that, I do think carrots are good.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. But if you buy them in packs. Baton though, some of those. Quite watery and nasty.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

They can turn.

[James Acaster]

I mean, my favorite thing to buy from Marks and Spencer's service stations is the carrot batons with a hummus dip.

[Robert Popper]

Hummus is on my list. I'm afraid that. Away. That goes away. And I'll have the buttons. You know when you're driving.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

When you lap.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And then the carrots fall over, you know, by. On your feet and all the pedals. Have you had that one while you're driving on the motorway? I have. That was bad. They're quite moist.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I had a bag of carrots and they're just all. And they're like all over the pedals. Slippery.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Are you. Are you then bending down to try and.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, trying to move them. Out the way.

[James Acaster]

But while driving safely.

[Robert Popper]

While driving safely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Doesn't happen a lot, but that has happened.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Do you abide by this 5 second rule? Would you pick up a carrot from.

[Robert Popper]

The five second carrot?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, the five second carrot roll.

[Ed Gamble]

And I might.

[James Acaster]

Not from the football footwell. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But if it's in my house.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Which is spotless.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Robert Popper]

If it's in my house, I would. I would.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

But not from the footwell of my, you know, the manky footwell in my car. Definitely not. Although I might.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Because if no one's watching. If no one's watching, it's not like. And then you look in the rearview mirror and Mick Huckle sat in the back.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, but I can't quite hear him.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So it doesn't matter what he says.

[Ed Gamble]

When you said bowl of carrots, I too imagined the batons and thought, ugh, come on. But then when you said the full ones, it did make me go, oh, that is nicer. And I hadn't thought about that before.

[Robert Popper]

They're quite refreshed, you know. I mean, in the fridge.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Refreshing, like nature's lollipop.

[Robert Popper]

Nature's lollipop. Like the stick, but a tasty lollipop stick.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a bite into one and say, what's up, Doc?

[Robert Popper]

I haven't, actually, but I will. I will from now on. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, you do a good impression of your grandmother. Did you ever do a good impression of Bugs Bunny?

[Robert Popper]

No, I can't do bug. Can you do both? I could do my grandma. Say it. What's up, Doc?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

How do you feel about cooked carrots?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, they're not bad. Yeah, I've got. I've got to. Yeah, they're fine, you know, if they're not too soft.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, people can overdo it.

[Robert Popper]

They can, can't they? And the punishments aren't severe enough, are they, really, for that these days? Who knows with this new government? Of course.

[Ed Gamble]

But. Yeah, of course.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Fingers crossed.

[Robert Popper]

I think it's in their manifesto. I haven't seen it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

They're always so long, aren't they?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Involved.

[James Acaster]

It's quite deep in the character.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. It's not near the top, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, as a busy mom, there are lots of ways you can help yourself fall asleep. You could stare blankly at the ceiling and replay every conversation you've ever had. Count sheep, have a debate with your pillow, give up caffeine, try acupuncture and buy a weighted blanket that will make you sweat. Profusely.

[James Acaster]

Or you could try some milk, which.

[Ed Gamble]

Has nutrients that support healthy sleep.

[James Acaster]

Visit gonnaneedmilk.com for more info. And for everyone's sake, please don't give up caffeine.

[Ed Gamble]

New markdowns up to 70% off are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. From fresh kicks to perfect gifts, there's always a find.

[James Acaster]

Levi's, Paige Frame are the best denim. Why do I rack?

[Ed Gamble]

Because check out these boots I always score at Rack. Head to your Nordstrom Rack store to find amazing deals on all products, things winter. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack your dream drink.

[Robert Popper]

Robert, you like this one? Yeah, I'm gonna have two drinks. I'm allowed two drinks.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'm going to have. Because it will just make me laugh.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Who's in the restaurant when you're having the carrots, by the way?

[Robert Popper]

No one's in the restaurant. That's with my grandma.

[James Acaster]

No, the carrots.

[Robert Popper]

My dish. Side dish.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but I thought you'd press. You'd press the button.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, it's gonna be a bear if.

[Ed Gamble]

You aren't in your kitchen with the dog.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, it'll be. It'll be my. Yeah, that's what it's gonna be with the dog.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I can chuck the bits. Yeah. That's not this. This. Now I'm back in the restaurant. I'm gonna be in a white bear restaurant now for no reason.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I'm going to have. What was the question?

[Ed Gamble]

Drink.

[Robert Popper]

Drink. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Well, no, this is throughout the meal, isn't it? So we can have these anyway. Well, I want. I want to be served, you know, by waiters, obviously. And I want to. I'm going to start with a seam hour, and then I'm going to finish with the laros, those wines. No, I'll tell you what these are. So this is another one from my youth when my brother Johnny were younger and we used to get invited to parents. Like someone was getting married in the family or bar mitzvah. And I was like, 11 and he was 8. We've invented this game, which we do to this day, which is the best game.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I think maybe my brother's there for this bit just for when I drink. He appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So what we would do, we would go. We would. We would be quite. We quite. You know, we're 12. We didn't know anyone often. It's boring. And we didn't want to talk to Girls, it's embarrassing. There's a family. So we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink Coca Cola and we would. This is our plan, was that we.

[James Acaster]

Weren'T sitting by the bar.

[Robert Popper]

That's what we would do. Just by the bar, near the bar.

[James Acaster]

Is that a thing kids do normally, sitting up at the bar?

[Robert Popper]

Not at the bar. Like we wouldn't be at the bar.

[James Acaster]

We think, imagine you sat over the Coca Cola. Like, this is a long night.

[Robert Popper]

Cigar. Yeah, but this is. We'd hang around. We'd hang around the bar hiding, basically. Another Coke and then it would be right, it's time, it's time. So the guy. Oh, two more coats, please. No, one Coke and one seam hour. They go, see now, yeah, one coat, one seam out. What's Coca Cola and lemonade? What, mixed together, that's a seam hour. Yeah. Oh, okay. So this is pre Internet. So you couldn't check.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, okay. And then you see him wander off pouring out. Another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and coats. You'd see him mouthing seamour. Oh, could be a drink. So we'd have a Coke and a seam hour. And then it would be later on we'd have two seam hours, please. And once they got used to that, the bit when they go two Seamiles, we go one seamow, one laros.

[Ed Gamble]

So you have to wait for them to.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah. What's a La Ross? Ginger ale and a lemonade. I've never heard of that before. Everyone seem out and that would be our thing. So sema. And we did that our whole life. And if we ever go out, it'll be like, what do you want? One cml, please. So that I would. I would be. Want to be drinking them. They taste nice as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Robert Popper]

And my brother can be there and we can do that. And they. There's no Internet reception, so they can't check.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

They're not allowed.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, I don't know if they would even check now, would they?

[Robert Popper]

They wouldn't check now.

[Ed Gamble]

Surely they'd be like, whatever. If they want to call them. If they want to call it.

[Robert Popper]

What they would say two seam hours, boys. Two seam hours. No, no. One Sema Ross. That would be. And you end on two La Rosses.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's just when they think they've got the hang of it. Right.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. And then my dad would come and you're ordering your stupid drinks.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't say anything.

[Robert Popper]

So I would. I like those drinks.

[James Acaster]

I mean, they're good Drinks as well. There's nothing more exciting as a kid than realizing you can mix different soft drinks. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Do you ever mix drinks? Nice Mixing drinks.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, the.

[James Acaster]

The freestyle machine.

[Ed Gamble]

The freestyle machine. The soda fountain.

[James Acaster]

You know, some fast food places now have freestyle machine.

[Robert Popper]

Excellent.

[James Acaster]

Where you can.

[Robert Popper]

What works?

[James Acaster]

Pick loads of other stuff. I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know you can't buy commercially by itself. Like, you know, peach Lil and stuff like that. Yeah, I made that one up.

[Ed Gamble]

But every flavor of Fanta, you could imagine every sort of different fruit, Raspberry.

[James Acaster]

Fanta or that sort of stuff can.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Mix some of those together. Although I don't want to mix them.

[James Acaster]

If I've not had, like. I just want to try raspberry Fanta.

[Robert Popper]

That sounds good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I mean, when you were kids.

[Robert Popper]

Lombard, a raspberry fountain, Rosby fountain would be a Lombard.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you ever sign off on this?

[Robert Popper]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We. We do this all the time. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Still do it now.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't done it for a while, but we're going to do it again soon. We talked about it recently. I was telling you we've got to do this again. So. Yeah, yeah, we've got to do that. We've got to do that. I mean, we was talking about in the restaurant, what do you want to drink? It was good. Two seam hours. He always does that to me.

[James Acaster]

So.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, I mean, we should start this as a thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

People ordering seam hours on the Ross.

[James Acaster]

I think it almost certainly will happen.

[Robert Popper]

And see if people please go out there and try it. You got to start. You don't go straight into se.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you got to l them into getting Coca Cola.

[Robert Popper]

Coca Colas, Yeah, Coca Colas. As opposed to Cokes. Two Coca Colas, please. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then eventually chuck a se.

[Robert Popper]

That's my drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then the high point is when they say two sea mouse.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

No, and then it ends on two laros's, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Good night.

[Ed Gamble]

We arrive at your dream dessert. Now, I'm excited about this because you said that the whole meal really is just so you can get the reward, which is the pudding, which is great.

[Robert Popper]

It is, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Great to hear.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. I'm gonna have a trolley, trolley, trolley of puddings.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Here we go.

[James Acaster]

So the main's come on a trolley as well, hasn't it?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, my. Yeah. My grandma's not going to be pushed. She's been. We don't know. She's been eviscerated. She's somewhere else.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

So this is just. I'm back in a restaurant and I can choose who I want. Yeah. I thought about this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

This would be freaky. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Full of people. Yeah. You haven't met yet but you are going to get to know in the future.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Robert Popper]

That would be weird, wouldn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Good.

[Robert Popper]

That's good, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Storms, he's there as well. We'll get friends with Stormsy. That's good.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, so you know that at some point you're going to get to know them properly.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Just people. How would I know her?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean I think that's a good idea for like a TV show. Robert, you're not worried that you just. I mean, you know, this is your bread and butter here. Right in. Are you not worried? You're just giving away quite a good idea for a TV show which is.

[Robert Popper]

A man eating quite horrible food where there's people he doesn't know yet. That does sound like a Netflix idea, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

He's got to find out how he knows the people.

[Ed Gamble]

That's actually quite good.

[Robert Popper]

That's why I'm copywriting it now.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

All these people.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But if we can get Stormzy on board, I think it's going to be a really good show.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

We'll do a co pro.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

His company must be a TV company.

[Ed Gamble]

It'd be good if those like maybe it's a film or something but like if like it starts with the main character wakes up.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

In a strange room and there's other people sat around. No one's talking to each other and then learns that these are people that he's going to meet in his life.

[Robert Popper]

It's not a bad idea actually, is it?

[Ed Gamble]

And then the rest of the story is meeting those people. So he kind of wakes up from. As if from a dream and then those people.

[James Acaster]

I think we got the beginning nailed.

[Robert Popper]

We've got the beginning. We got the idea.

[James Acaster]

But it's the rest of it, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. We've learned details.

[Robert Popper]

Or he gets eviscerated.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean this is. You're a bit obsessed with.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, I'm just trying to tie eviscerated. It's an ending.

[James Acaster]

Maybe he makes sort of weirdly makes friends with him in the room and then he goes back to his life but they don't remember when you don't want to.

[Robert Popper]

Like sort of floppy head, late middle aged men in bow ties that are probably like surgeons that might end up Operating when you're very.

[James Acaster]

Or someone you might murder or something.

[Robert Popper]

You know, like people that might be like, oh, then. Yeah, Medical.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Because it's not all people you're going to meet and be friends because it's like that's the person who's going to.

[Robert Popper]

You know, gave you the heart transplant that didn't go right. Oh, okay.

[James Acaster]

And it's in a world where no one can lie, even.

[Robert Popper]

I mean, we're gonna pitch this guys. Yeah. So that's what I want in the background. And I want a trolley.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I want a pyramid of profiteroles.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, right.

[James Acaster]

As soon as you say pyramid, I knew it was coming. Nothing else comes in a pyramid dessert.

[Robert Popper]

Made by my mum with hot chocolate sauce. I want cream in them, not ice cream. Not nice with ice cream. And it's not proper. It's too cold with the hotel chocolate.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Ice cream's not on the list, though.

[Robert Popper]

I love ice cream.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

No, that is top of nice list. So I want fit loads of them. Nice list, nice list. So I want them. Then I want. There's a French restaurant we go to, like France every couple of months, me and my wife, as a treat. I know how to treat a lady. We have. They have this dessert that's the nicest dessert I've ever had in a restaurant. It is warm blueberry tart.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Here's the genius. Lavender ice cream.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Robert Popper]

That's adventurous for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's very.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's big.

[Robert Popper]

Amazing. And they nearly always have it. And basically I go for that, really. I get the main done. I get that. And occasionally they don't have it off the menu. And I literally want to, you know, destroy the whole restaurant. So angry.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I just moaned to my wife, I don't have the lavender thing. Well, all right. They've got other things. I know, but I wanted that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You've been looking forward to it all day, all week, maybe.

[James Acaster]

Is the dessert menu attached to the main menu so, you know, as soon as you go in? Or does it come separately at the end?

[Robert Popper]

It's a work of art, that dessert. It's all amazing.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Robert Popper]

They've got tarte tatin, your homemade ice creams. My wife often has chocolate and raspberry together. And when we were kids, there used to be this ice lolly called Dracula that was chocolate and raspberry. So when she has it, I go, Dracula. And she quite likes that joke, but also finds it quite annoying because I do it quite a lot. She's having Dracula is It a Dracula? Yeah, yeah, I'm having Dracula. You have? Yeah. Like the lolly? Yep. So she'll have that and I'll have the lavender thing and they'll have the tat. If they don't have that, they just got beautiful, you know, beautiful dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

What's it called, this place?

[Robert Popper]

It's called Bistro X and it's in Crouch End and it is nice. It is, but it's quite romantic. Also the people in it generally quite old, but it doesn't matter. The food's so nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I'll have that. And then I'll also have meringues, which I can make really good meringues. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What kind of meringues?

[Robert Popper]

I've got on some here. I'm going to give you them in a minute.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you actually.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my goodness.

[Robert Popper]

You're not meringues. So. Yeah. Do you want a meringue?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Popper is getting up to get his meringues out of his bag. Now, bearing in mind we've heard what Elsie Drake makes and what food's been making through that.

[James Acaster]

Is this going to be a buzz?

[Robert Popper]

These are. Oh, they've all crumbled, of course.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God. These are absolutely legit.

[Ed Gamble]

It's got your brother's hair in it.

[Robert Popper]

It's got my grandma's hair in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow. I'm gonna obviously try one of these chocolatey looking ones, like chocolate dusted on the top.

[Robert Popper]

It'll make you really like dry mouth and it'll be awful for the. What do you reckon?

[Ed Gamble]

Delicious.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, what do you reckon?

[James Acaster]

Today I got exactly what I was hoping.

[Robert Popper]

I made a note, make meringues. And then this morning I thought, fucking, I've got to make meringues for this. And then I left it to the last moment I did.

[Ed Gamble]

We wouldn't have known.

[Robert Popper]

What do you reckon, lads?

[James Acaster]

Really delicious and exactly what you want from a meringue. Just like not hard all the way through. It's chewy as well.

[Robert Popper]

A bit.

[James Acaster]

A bit chewy. A bit soft in the middle. They've got the shell on the outside.

[Robert Popper]

Go on, lads.

[James Acaster]

That's legit, mate.

[Robert Popper]

So Moran want meringues with a lot of cream.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And you know, I'm done. I mean, that is a good meal. It's a strange meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But you've definitely saved yourself for the dessert, I think.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like you have in bowl of carrots as a side. That's like almost cleansing the palate. Ready for the dessert trolley, isn't it?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've been a good little boy. So you get your big reward at the end.

[James Acaster]

Yes, exactly.

[Robert Popper]

Oh, do you want to hear the list, then?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, let's hear the list.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a proper list.

[Robert Popper]

Here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

Down on paper.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. But over the last days, it's a.

[James Acaster]

Big list, just to let you know.

[Robert Popper]

All seafood, olives, nuts, mayonnaise, mustard, asparagus, cabbage, apricots, liver, lychees, pesto, coffee, blue cheese, truffles, truffle oil, pickles, white chocolate, raisins. They're fine, but if they break away from a cake, I won't eat the ones that are on their own because they've got cake on them. That's annoying. Don't know why. Lentils, chickpeas, marzipan, beetroot, garlic bread, raw onions, venison. Who has venison? That's weird thing to say. Artichoke, grapefruit, Brussels sprouts, rhubarb, meatballs, red wine. Nearly done. Milk, red peppers, sweet corn, but not. I like corn on the cob and not on its own.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Licorice, goats cheese, marmalade, feta cheese, quiche, falafel dates, prunes, hummus, parsnips, cheesecake, donuts, baked beans and peas.

[James Acaster]

Wow. I mean, some absolute rogue things in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Garlic bread and donuts.

[Robert Popper]

Donuts.

[James Acaster]

Horrible.

[Ed Gamble]

Really? Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

And I love sweet things. Greasy.

[Ed Gamble]

Greasy.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Donuts taste greasy. And the traditional ones with the sugar and the jam in the sugar's annoying. Sort of like grates your lips and just raw jam.

[Ed Gamble]

Raw jam.

[Robert Popper]

Just jam in a donut. It's just like. You don't get jam.

[James Acaster]

Raw jam. And the sugar grates your lips.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't get jam. Put your spoon and just spoon jam into your mouth.

[James Acaster]

You put jam on stuff, though, don't you?

[Robert Popper]

Do you do put down and I have jam on toast.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Popper]

I'm the one with the problem.

[Ed Gamble]

Sandwich.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, Sandwich is really nice. So I'm the one with the problem.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. And a bit milk, obviously. Well, we. I know where you don't like milk.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You have fizzy milk and milk with Ribena.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, I think I was probably traumatized.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I understand that.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, that one's understandable.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I read your menu. Back to you now. See how you feel about it, Robert.

[Robert Popper]

Exciting.

[Ed Gamble]

You want tap water. You would like challah bread toasted by yourself on it with a toast on the table. Start. You want 50. 50 cereal, corn flakes and Rice Krispies with honey. Not with one of those twizzly things. And cold oat milk.

[Robert Popper]

Yep.

[Ed Gamble]

Your main course, you want a square steak made by your grandmother with paprika, potatoes, and green beans. All made in, like, a metal.

[James Acaster]

Don't forget the crust. Flour crust.

[Ed Gamble]

And the flour crust.

[Robert Popper]

Yep.

[Ed Gamble]

Delicious side dish. Bowl of raw carrots. Drink Seamour. And a Larosse.

[Robert Popper]

Yep.

[Ed Gamble]

Dessert, A pyramid of profiteroles with cream. Not ice cream. Warm blueberry tart with lavender from Bistro X. Yep. Lavender ice cream. And meringues made by yourself. Which we weren't discussed if they were in the pyramid or not. We didn't discuss. No.

[Robert Popper]

I think they would just be on a.

[Ed Gamble]

Dotted around the room.

[Robert Popper]

Dotted around the room, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Around the room. Yeah. How do you feel about that?

[Robert Popper]

I think that sounds good. Yeah. I like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Sounds good.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. I mean, it also sounds terrible. Yes, but it also sounds good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, each individual sounds good to you.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah, it sounds good to me.

[James Acaster]

You said that sounds disgusting. Then you've done it.

[Robert Popper]

All right, good.

[Ed Gamble]

I actually just think the bowl of carrots is the only thing that froze it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

Why?

[Ed Gamble]

It's just really out of nowhere. Like, I can't see a place for it in a meal. I understand that you have it as a snack around the house. That makes sense. But at any point during a meal, that would confuse me.

[James Acaster]

It's a palate cleanser. I don't mind it.

[Robert Popper]

But I mean, yeah, you can have cut carrots that are sort of crunchy. So it's just one step away from that. They're still crunchy. And that goes with your meal?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

[Robert Popper]

Does it win the greatest meal anyone has ever.

[Ed Gamble]

It's. It's under consideration.

[Robert Popper]

It's just the carrots that we're not rolling it out. Right, Right.

[James Acaster]

Thank you for submitting it.

[Robert Popper]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

And we got to eat the meringues.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So, like, we've. We've eaten the meringue, so they were really nice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bonito hasn't had a meringue.

[Robert Popper]

He's not allowed one.

[Ed Gamble]

He says he's busy. Eat a meringue now. Predictor. Now before that, because he hates meringues. You can edit yourself eating it out, but you can keep in Robert's reaction to you eating it. I think the listener would like to know how Robert feels about you eating.

[Robert Popper]

No, I don't want him to have it. You're not allowed one. There we are. He doesn't like meringues, and that's fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

He likes meringues. He's gonna love it.

[Robert Popper]

He's gonna have one on the tube on the way back, just open a big box of meringues. That would be strange.

[James Acaster]

I've never seen anyone eat meringue on the tube.

[Robert Popper]

That would be good. I once saw on the tube a boy, must have been about nine, who was dressed like. Do you know? Do you ever remember viz? Spoiled bastard little boy dressed like a spoiled kid. And his mum sat opposite him as a busy train. And I saw this. And this boy just was just looking like trouble and spoiled boy. And the mum looked exhausted. And he had a massive bag of cherries, which is quite a spoiled thing for a child to have, like, holding it there on his lap and he was biting into the cherries and he chewed and he spat the cherry stone across at his mum. And it would, like, go on her face or on her top. She had a side dress on and she's really embarrassed. Everyone's looking. And he was loft roaring and he's stuffing another cherry in and he kept spitting them at his mum and they hit him on the face and the hair. And I drove and that was, you know, five minute of my drive and then I got off and it was just carrying on.

[James Acaster]

Well, I love that kid.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Cherries is such a spoiled kid. Cherries. No, mother, I can't. I can't get on the train without my cherries.

[Robert Popper]

Where's my bag? My. My bag of cherries for the tube journey?

[Ed Gamble]

When you see kids like that, it's mind blowing, innit?

[Robert Popper]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Get away with that stuff.

[Robert Popper]

Kids these days, if I spat a.

[Ed Gamble]

Chip, it's cherry stone. Yeah. Eve of my parents.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Game over.

[Robert Popper]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Game.

[Robert Popper]

It's true.

[Ed Gamble]

Game over. Forget it. Like, I'm never having a cherry again as long as I live there. They wouldn't.

[Robert Popper]

Because you might. You might do that if you're around your parents.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They'd be like, we're not giving you any of them, but also we're gonna tell you off so bad that you don't even want to eat cherries as an adult because you're just gonna think I'm a bad boy.

[Robert Popper]

Kids don't eat cherries, basically.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Robert Popper]

That's one thing you can take away from this.

[James Acaster]

It's a lovely way to end the podcast, I think it is. Kids, please don't eat cherries.

[Robert Popper]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Robert.

[Ed Gamble]

Cherry Popper, Daddy.

[Robert Popper]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Well, there we are, James.

[Ed Gamble]

What a wild ride.

[James Acaster]

What a fun chat with Robert Popper.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely chat with Robert Popper. We learned so much about him. We did the Wacky World of Robert Popper.

[James Acaster]

The Wacky World of Robert Popper.

[Ed Gamble]

The Wacky World of Elsie Drake. Of course, the Elsie Drake.

[James Acaster]

That's not the name of the book.

[Ed Gamble]

Huh?

[James Acaster]

That's not the name of the book. Just in case you go searching for that. It's not called the Wacky World of Elsie Drake.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't look for that. The LC Drake letters, brackets, aged 104 is what the book is called. It's out now.

[James Acaster]

So go and buy that from wherever you buy your books.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. And Robert didn't say. Robert didn't pick a pot of pickled peppers.

[James Acaster]

Robert Popper did not pick a pot of.

[Ed Gamble]

Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickled peppers.

[James Acaster]

No, that's true. You're good at that, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I don't know. I felt like I was like missing out.

[James Acaster]

No, you did it. But when you do it, it always feels like you're on the edge.

[Robert Popper]

Right?

[James Acaster]

You always feel like you're riding a wave of words.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel like my eyes go into the top of my head and my ey start fluttering.

[James Acaster]

Yes, they did.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Like going to a trance. Let me know what's going on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it was scary. Don't do that again. Really scary.

[Ed Gamble]

I know it be scary, but he.

[James Acaster]

Did not do that. Thank you so much to Robert Popper for coming on. We will see you next week.

[Ed Gamble]

We will see you next week.

[James Acaster]

We've got to pop an offer.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got to pop a offer.

[Robert Popper]

What a difference a day makes.

[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

So good, so good, so good. Just in and so good. Thousands of winter deals are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. And that means thousands of fresh reasons to rack.

[Robert Popper]

Because we get the latest trends for way less.

[Ed Gamble]

Because I've been looking for these because.

[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

With up to 60% off. Sam Edelman, Sorrel Free People, Cole Haan and more. Cold weather fines. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

[Robert Popper]

The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft.

[James Acaster]

But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second.

[Ed Gamble]

If your identity is stolen, our US based restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed.

[Robert Popper]

Or your money back.

[Ed Gamble]

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[Robert Popper]

Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with LifeLock.

[Ed Gamble]

Save up to 40% your first year with promo code news. Visit lifelock.

[Robert Popper]

Com.

[Ed Gamble]

Terms apply.