Ep 274: Andy Zaltzman (Christmas Special)

Summary

Episode Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster – Ep 274: Andy Zaltzman (Christmas Special)

Release Date: December 18, 2024

In this festive Christmas Special of Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome the multifaceted Andy Zaltzman to their magical Dream Restaurant. The episode delves deep into culinary delights, humorous anecdotes, and engaging conversations that intertwine the hosts' love for food and cricket.

---

1. Welcome and Introduction [03:16 - 07:14]

Ed Gamble opens the episode with his signature flair, setting a Christmassy tone. James Acaster kicks off with a humorous reference to the film "Black Doves," leading into the formal introduction of Andy Zaltzman.

James Acaster (03:35): "He's a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in a guest to choose their favorite starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink."

Andy Zaltzman is lauded for his versatility as a comedian, podcaster, and cricket commentator. The hosts express excitement about Andy's expertise, especially his background in cricket commentary, which aligns with their shared interests.

---

2. Secret Ingredients and Menu Dynamics [05:50 - 07:35]

The trio discusses the week's secret ingredient: wax lettuce, a quirky and unexpected choice inspired by a previous episode featuring Rose Matafeo. The playful banter hints at the possibility of guests being ousted for choosing unconventional ingredients, adding an element of suspense and fun to the show's format.

Ed Gamble (05:50): "If Andy says a secret ingredient, on which we have pre-agreed, he will be kicked out of the Dream Restaurant. And at Christmas, no less."

---

3. Cricket Conversations [07:45 - 17:35]

Andy shares his passion for cricket, reminiscing about pivotal Test matches, particularly the iconic 2005 Ashes series. The discussion highlights the emotional intensity of cricket and its cultural significance.

Benito Skinner (13:47): "At the Lord's, there's a rich history intertwined with cricket and British food."

The hosts and Andy delve into the traditions of Test match cricket, including the quintessential tea breaks and the camaraderie they foster among players and commentators alike.

---

4. Dream Menu Selections [22:04 - 73:00]

The core of the episode revolves around Andy's dream meal selections:

• Starter:

  • Dahi Puri: A flavorful Indian street food consisting of crispy shells filled with boiled potatoes, chickpeas, raw onions, and a blend of chutneys and spices.

  Benito Skinner (35:03): "Dahi puri is the perfect mouthful. It's got everything."

• Main Course:

  • Venison Wellington: A sophisticated take on the classic Beef Wellington, featuring venison fillet wrapped in wild mushroom pate and Parma ham, encased in pastry.

  Benito Skinner (45:21): "Venison Wellington made by my wife on New Year's Eve was absolutely spectacular."

• Side Dish:

  • Whole Mozzarella: Served on a decorative platter, symbolizing simplicity and purity in flavors.

  James Acaster (73:00): "A whole mozzarella on a picture of David Gower's cover drive."

• Dessert:

  • Pistachio Ice Cream from Giolitti, Rome: Renowned for its creamy texture and rich pistachio flavor.
  • Sorbet: Complementing the ice cream with a refreshing fruit element.

  Benito Skinner (72:50): "A good pistachio ice cream is a test of an ice cream shop's quality."

• Drink:

  • Opium Hill Tea: A finely brewed cup of tea from Paris, paired with the soulful tunes of Muddy Waters for a deeply satisfying experience.

  Benito Skinner (65:23): "A cup of Opium Hill tea from Paris while listening to Muddy Waters."

The selection showcases Andy's refined palate and appreciation for both traditional and eclectic flavors.

---

5. Culinary Anecdotes and Experiences [43:00 - 75:15]

Andy recounts his culinary adventures, including preparing a five-course Christmas meal in Melbourne during his cricket commentary stint. His meticulous approach to cooking, even in constrained environments like apartment hotels, highlights his dedication and love for food.

Benito Skinner (51:48): "My tour is a show called the Zoltgeist, analyzing where we are as a planet. It's part of my biggest UK and Ireland tour."

Ed and James share their own cooking mishaps and successes, adding layers of humor and relatability to the conversation.

---

6. Humorous Banter and Puns [29:00 - 59:02]

The episode is peppered with witty exchanges and puns, particularly revolving around cheese, mozzarella, and other culinary staples. The hosts playfully critique each other's menu choices and joke about the impracticality of certain dishes.

Benito Skinner (32:27): "A good cheese board is one of just the stomach's run out of battery."

The light-hearted humor keeps the episode engaging, balancing in-depth discussions with entertaining dialogues.

---

7. Tech and Future of Food [19:02 - 30:00]

Andy discusses his upcoming show, Zoltgeist, and entertains futuristic ideas about hologram tours and advanced food technology. The conversation touches upon sustainable practices like carbon capture through sparkling water consumption.

Benito Skinner (22:08): "The more carbon dioxide we can get out of the atmosphere and into drinks, then surely the better for the future of the planet."

These insights blend humor with thoughtful reflections on environmental sustainability and the evolution of culinary arts.

---

8. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts [75:15 - End]

As the episode winds down, the hosts recap Andy's dream menu, ensuring all selections are perfectly aligned for the Christmas occasion. They tease future episodes and express gratitude towards listeners, wrapping up the special with warm holiday wishes.

James Acaster (89:18): "Have a lovely rest of your Christmas period. Whatever you're doing, however you're celebrating, just have a lovely rest."

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• James Acaster [05:50]: "If Andy says a secret ingredient, on which we have pre-agreed, he will be kicked out of the Dream Restaurant."

• Benito Skinner [13:47]: "At the Lord's, there's a rich history intertwined with cricket and British food."

• Benito Skinner [35:03]: "Dahi puri is the perfect mouthful. It's got everything."

• Benito Skinner [45:21]: "Venison Wellington made by my wife on New Year's Eve was absolutely spectacular."

• James Acaster [73:00]: "A whole mozzarella on a picture of David Gower's cover drive."

• Benito Skinner [65:23]: "A cup of Opium Hill tea from Paris while listening to Muddy Waters."

---

Conclusion

Episode 274 of Off Menu masterfully blends culinary discussions with personal anecdotes and humor, creating an engaging and delightful Christmas Special. Andy Zaltzman's presence adds depth, sharing his unique perspectives on food and cricket, while the hosts' playful interactions ensure listeners are both entertained and informed. Whether you're a food enthusiast or a cricket fan, this episode offers a heartwarming glimpse into a dream meal crafted with love, laughter, and a touch of festive magic.

Transcript

[James Acaster]

Benito James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special Heckler's welcome which is going to be on Sky Now TV and hbo. Max, it's on all of those like right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them. I'd like them to know.

[Benito Skinner]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye.

[Benito Skinner]

It's better over here now.

[Ed Gamble]

At T Mobile get four 5G phones.

[Benito Skinner]

On us and four lines for 25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins. All on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account, $5 more per line without autopay plus taxes and fees and 10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and.

[Ed Gamble]

Balance on a required finance agree bill.

[Benito Skinner]

Credits end if you pay off devices early.

[James Acaster]

CT mobile.com Ryan Reynolds here for I.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess my hundredth mint commercial.

[Benito Skinner]

No no no no no no.

[James Acaster]

Go. No no no. I mean honestly when I started this.

[Benito Skinner]

I thought I'd only have to do.

[James Acaster]

Like four of these. I mean it's unlimited to Premium Wireless.

[Benito Skinner]

For $15 a month.

[James Acaster]

How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here, give it a [e-mail] switch whenever.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month new customers on first three month plan only taxes and fees extra.

[Cindy Crawford]

Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. CD tails stop over in Qatar and enjoy pristine beaches and vibrant souks. Relax in a 5 star hotel from just $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.com stopover terms apply. The holidays are all about sharing with family meals, couches, stories, Grandma's secret pecan pie recipe and now you can also share a cart. With Instacart's family carts, everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are so you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart and then share the meals and the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders, service fees and terms apply. It took a lifetime to find the.

[James Acaster]

Person you want to marry.

[Cindy Crawford]

Finding the perfect engagement ring is a lot easier. @bluenile.com you can find or design the ring you've always dreamed of with help from Blue Niles jewelry experts who are.

[James Acaster]

On hand 247 to answer questions and the ease and convenience of shopping online.

[Cindy Crawford]

For a limited time, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code listenile.com. that's $50 off with code. Listen.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. I've definitely done this before. Heating the brandy of conversation, lighting the flame of chat, pouring over the Christmas pudding of the Internet. You've got yourself a Christmassy off menu.

[James Acaster]

Have you seen black doves?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

Spoiler alert if you haven't seen black doves. But the very last shot of it.

[Ed Gamble]

I haven't is, I already told you I haven't seen it. So why are you giving me a spoiler alert?

[James Acaster]

Why? It's not really a spoiler.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Cause what's funny is that it's got nothing to do with anything. There's been this whole kind of like, spy like drama.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then the very last shot is Keira Knightley pouring brandy over a Christmas pudding, lighting it, and then looking in the camera. That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in a guest house and their favorite ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our Christmassy guest is Andy Zaltzman.

[Ed Gamble]

Andy Zaltzman, a fantastic comedian, podcaster, taskmaster.

[James Acaster]

Champion, a cricket commentator.

[Ed Gamble]

A cricket. Cricket stats man.

[James Acaster]

I told my dad we've got Andy Zoltzman on this week. And I didn't know my dad knew Andy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But my dad does like cricket.

[Ed Gamble]

And, well, if you like cricket, you know Andy.

[James Acaster]

Well, that's the thing. And my dad just went. It's like he was genuinely happy for Andy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And his life. He just went, that man has a great life. That man has a great life and a great career.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And it must been his dream growing up to be. I bet he can't believe he gets to do all that. I'm really happy for Andy to be on off menu. Yeah. I think that's what it was.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. People who like cricket are jealous of Andy's career and are very happy for him. I know John Robbins wants Andy Zaltzman's career, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Has said on multiple occasions we can't wait to chat to Andy. I love Andy. He's so funny.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Hilarious man. Lovely man. I don't know if he's a lover of food. We'll find out, I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

We'll find out. We'll find out. I think he is. I think I've heard some stuff in the past about him.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cooking and, you know, dinner parties and all of that sort of stuff.

[James Acaster]

So promising.

[Ed Gamble]

I think we're on safe ground.

[James Acaster]

You know what I've heard about him?

[Ed Gamble]

Go on.

[James Acaster]

That he's got a brand new show, the Saltgeist, which he is touring nationwide as part of his biggest UK and Ireland tour, running to 9 May at London's lesser Square Theater for full dates and tickets. You know what?

[Ed Gamble]

Andyzaltzman.co.uk yeah, go and see Andy on tour. He is always brilliant. The amount of material that he generates for his standup as part of the Bugle, his podcast, of course, so definitely get along to that. But if Andy says a secret ingredient, on which we have pre agreed, he will be kicked out of the Dream Restaurant. And at Christmas, no less.

[James Acaster]

Oh. This week, the secret ingredient is wax lettuce.

[Ed Gamble]

Wax lettuce, of course. Picked by last week's Christmas guest, Rose Matafeo.

[James Acaster]

Yes. And instantly we're like, great, we can use that as a secret ingredient. Cause it's a weird thing to order on your.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

On your dream menu.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, Andy can be a weird guy. So he might pick wax lettuce.

[James Acaster]

We've seen him subvert things on Taskmaster. Go the surreal route. So this is not out of the question here.

[Benito Skinner]

No.

[James Acaster]

And it would be quite satisfying to kick out a guest the week after for something that was on the previous menu and inspired the choice. I mean, that's like.

[Ed Gamble]

And it's rare that we record so close to release.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And after the last one has been released. So the fact that we get to use a secret ingredient from a previous episode that was only a week before.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is very exciting.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean, for the listener. We're recording this on the day last week's was released.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So if you're listening to this on the day it comes out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

This is exactly a week ago.

[Ed Gamble]

This is only a week ago.

[James Acaster]

These words could be hitting your ears. Exactly one week before since I said them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But a lot can happen in a week.

[James Acaster]

A lot can happen in a week.

[Ed Gamble]

They might have found that guy who.

[James Acaster]

Shot the other guy who popped the CEO.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Benito thinks they found him. If they found him there you Go. That's how quickly if you're listening to this podcast, mate.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, anyway, enough of this Christmasy chat. Let's get on with some more of it with our special guest, the brilliant Andy Zoltzman.

[James Acaster]

Andy Zaltzman, the off menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome, Andy, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Benito Skinner]

Oh, it's great to be here.

[James Acaster]

Welcome Andy Zaltzman to the Dream Restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

For some time now, that was unusual, Andy. This is. I mean, we've done nearly 300 episodes. And James, as the genie normally bursts out of the lamp with the sound, you would expect Christmas turkey.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're a Christmas turkey bursting out the lamp today, right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

The turkeys make that. I'm not sure. Turkeys cook a doodle do. I don't think that's a turkey. It would be turk a doodle do if they did it, wouldn't it? Turkle do do do.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Turkle doo doo doo.

[Ed Gamble]

For me, a turkey would say gobble gobble.

[Benito Skinner]

Right. Well, it depends. Depends on the turkey, I think, doesn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it does depend on the turkey. I think standard turkey would be gobble gobble gobble.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

But it's cockle doodle doo.

[Ed Gamble]

Cockle doodle doo.

[James Acaster]

Text in now. Text in now, listeners, what you think it is.

[Ed Gamble]

And if you found a magic lamp.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And you rubbed it and a turkey came out of it.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How would that make you feel?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I think I'd be. I'd be disappointed. I'd be respectful of the turkey, I hope, you know, I'd invite the turkey to go back into the lamp.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

That would be my first wish, actually. Can the turkey grant me wishes or is it just a turkey?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, here we go.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. If it pops out the lamp, it can grant you wish.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. Get back in the lamp. But then would I then lose my other two? Presumably It's a three wish turkey, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You'd have to whisper. You have two lamps into the spout of the lamp.

[Benito Skinner]

Right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's what you'd be faced with.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you be hoping that there'd be other things in the lamp? So if you put the turkey back in, you rubbed it, maybe some. A genie would eventually come out.

[Benito Skinner]

You'd expect there to be probably a fox and a bag of grain in there as well.

[Ed Gamble]

You're a Christmas turkey genie today.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Cock a doodle doo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gobble gobble, gobble gobble.

[Benito Skinner]

In terms of the evolution of the turkey, training yourself to say gobble gobble when you are A foodstuff is probably not really. Not particularly helpful, is it?

[James Acaster]

It's putting ideas in people's heads.

[Benito Skinner]

Exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's why it's so popular on Christmas. You know, it worked out that it's the driest meat.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

So it needed to do something to establish itself on people's menus.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

So gobble, gobble is what it went with.

[James Acaster]

That's a PR move.

[Benito Skinner]

If I was a potentially edible animal, I'd probably have evolved so that my natural call sounded like, I taste disgusting. Don't eat me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Rather than gobble. Rather than, you know, inviting.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

People to go industrial exploitation.

[Ed Gamble]

So what sort of call would you go for?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I don't know. I mean, it's cockadoodle. Don't. Don't eat cockadoodle.

[James Acaster]

Do not eat. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Or something that suggested you. You were smelly, maybe like poo ee something. Something like that. That would put me off eating an animal, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But, you know, there's so much for Darwin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. One of the little birds in a Beatrix Potter book calls out, little bit of bread and no cheese. I remember that as a kid in one of the Beatrix Potter books. I can't remember what animal it is, but she was like basically trying to say what its birdsong sounds like. And it was little bit of bread and no cheese. And I remember it very distinctly as a kid.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But she had hedgehogs wearing dresses and stuff.

[Benito Skinner]

It's not scientifically accurate, that stuff. To be fair to Potter, I mean, if you're choosing between Potter and Attenborough in terms of reliability of facts about the natural world, you go with Attenborough anytime.

[James Acaster]

You got to go with Amber.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah. Big Dave.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Oh, David. Amber. Yeah, Fair enough. I was thinking dinosaurs are real. Yeah, they were real originally.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah. But this is not the big revelation that James doesn't believe in dinosaurs.

[James Acaster]

I do believe in them. They're the OGs.

[Benito Skinner]

The OG turkeys in many ways.

[James Acaster]

Trace it straight back.

[Benito Skinner]

That would be different. Which would have been huge by then. Eating one of those.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd like to see Jurassic park, but with the sound redone. So the T Rex is saying gobble, gobble.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm voiced by Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm happy to do that.

[James Acaster]

Do you like Christmas, Andy?

[Benito Skinner]

I do like. I do like Christmas. Yeah. I mean, probably more than the average Jewish person, but yeah, we've. Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's good, fun Christmas. And also there's generally cricket on the television at Midnight.

[James Acaster]

We had to, as long as we could get. Talk about birds and, like, different animals. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But I've been quite disciplined, I think. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I was going to say this feels like a long time that you've not mentioned cricket.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And there is cricket on TV during Christmas. I didn't know that. Well, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So the Boxing Day tests in Australia usually starts at midnight at the end of Christmas Day, UK time.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So, you know, that's, you know, however bad your Christmas is going, you've got that little beacon of hope.

[James Acaster]

Do you have a. If this has been asked to you before many times and it's already common knowledge, the answer, then, you know, I apologize. But do you have a favorite Test match of all time that you like? That is the best one I've ever seen. That's the. That's the goal.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, we're really doing this. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean, I won't ever get the opportunity to ask Andy this again.

[Benito Skinner]

How long have you. How long. How long is this podcast generally?

[James Acaster]

The answer doesn't have to take as long as a game of cricket.

[Benito Skinner]

I assume you want me.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to stop to talk you through it, actually.

[James Acaster]

You're one that is like. That is the best game. That was such a great Test match.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I Mean, Edge Bastion 2005 Test match. Hard to look beyond that. I wasn't there. I watched. I was actually in Edinburgh doing the Edinburgh Festival, sharing a flat with Stuart Lee, who probably his greatest flaw as a human being is that he doesn't really. He doesn't like cricket.

[James Acaster]

So his routines are basically the same thing over and over again for ages.

[Benito Skinner]

We all find that rhythm in life in different places, though, don't we?

[Ed Gamble]

So he really reads as someone who likes cricket, though.

[Benito Skinner]

He should like cricket. Yeah, I believe that. You know, I don't think he's completely lost as a. As a long term project. But anyway, at that point in 2001, he wasn't really into it. And when England won that Test match by two runs at the end, I was basically sort of collapsed onto the floor, hyperventilating. And I think he was quite concerned about my state of health at that point. But it's quite hard to explain that that wasn't just the culmination of the one single match. That was the culmination of a life, a lifetime, 16 years of.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Of pain and suffering.

[James Acaster]

Who were they playing?

[Benito Skinner]

Australia.

[James Acaster]

The Ashes.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes. There we go.

[Ed Gamble]

Do they still go in for tea in cricket?

[Benito Skinner]

They do, yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So they stop the game and Then.

[Benito Skinner]

Go in, in test matches. Yeah, very good at bringing back village games, whatever. Yeah, I mean that's, that's one of the great things. I mean, you think on this podcast the fact that cricket, you know, a test, a test match has, if it goes the full five days, 10 built in meal breaks. Yeah, that should be right in your guys hitting zone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, I want to know, I want to know more about it. Do you ever get in there and get to have tea with them?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, not with the players, but in the media center where I work, where I'm doing cricket commentary, we get some pretty spectacular food. Not at all the grounds there, I mean, without naming any specific grounds, there was one where there was a rumor that we were getting the same food as the local prison and it sort of lived up to that.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you get those segmented trays?

[James Acaster]

Luckily the local prison was the one Paddington was locked in. That is the best food ever.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, but I mean Lords and Edgbaston, I mean pretty, you'd expect those press boxes having land stars lurking around somewhere.

[Ed Gamble]

And what are we, are we talking? Do you get the same stuff as the players? Do you know? Or do you get even fancier stuff?

[Benito Skinner]

No. Well, the players are generally the other end of the ground. I mean the Lord's food is quite, I think players food is off the scale. Yeah, I don't know. I've never done a statistical analysis of how bad players are. In the half hour after lunch at the Lords gorge themselves.

[Ed Gamble]

That really feels like you should look into it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. What about the oval?

[Benito Skinner]

The Oval a little bit up and down. Yeah, a little bit up and down.

[James Acaster]

I've heard bad things. I used to work at a school as a classroom assistant and all right, the class I was with went to, went to the oval one day, but I'd stay behind and do something else and I saw them the next day and there's a kid called Georgie who had been Melvin off to the guy showing them round and he made him run around the oval 10 times. And I saw Georgie the next and Georgie was quite naughty anyway, but I liked him and I was like, how was it yesterday? He went, promise me you never go to the oval. You gotta promise me.

[Ed Gamble]

And have you been?

[James Acaster]

No, I've never been kept. Georgie, if you're listening, I'll always keep my promise. I respect you so much. Even when the dental truck came in and you stood in the gap between the dental truck and the school building and you threw stones at the other kids, right?

[Ed Gamble]

What's a dental truck?

[James Acaster]

It was a truck that came in to check all the kids teeth to get them used to going to the dentist. It was this organization who did it. They got booked for the day, but they didn't park tight enough to the wall. There was a little gap, a little hidey hole that Georgie could go in and get tiny stones to be fair to him and antagonize the other kids with them. What he didn't foresee is that he had boxed himself in. So that when they then decided to get their revenge, it was absolutely fucked.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They shouldn't have left that gap.

[Benito Skinner]

They should have filled it in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

The Oval has an important place in the history of the history of British food.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, really?

[Benito Skinner]

Yep. So in 1882, there was a Test match, England versus Australia. It was so tense, and it was the game that then led to the Ashes beginning. A spoof obituary was printed in one of the papers after England lost. Like the death of English cricket, the Ashes will be taken to Australia.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Benito Skinner]

And that was how the Ashes began. But during that testimony was so close and so tense that someone in the crowd chewed through the handle of his umbrella. Like a wooden umbrella handle, apparently. He chewed through it. Yeah. I mean, it's one of the. It was 1882. Do we have documentary evidence of this? No, but I'm prepared to leave it. And of course, the fact that he sat there chewing this umbrella handle, they then had to legalize the hot dog as a stadium food stop any further confusion.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's why it's important to the history of British food, because a man ate his umbrella.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And look, anyone who's seen Andy on Taskmaster and his approach to the prize tasks will not be surprised if one of his food choices is an umbrella at this today. The guy thinks outside the box.

[Ed Gamble]

Tell us about your tour, Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, my tour. That's a very good question. Well, it wasn't a question actually, was it?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Benito Skinner]

My tour is a show called the Zoltgeist and it's sort of analyzing where we are as a planet. Species, hemisphere. Big fan of the Northern hemisphere.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Shout out some disses.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I don't think. I think you can. I think that's too divisive. James. I think you can love the Northern hemisphere is pretty divisive. Hating the South. Have we not learned that that's not one of the lessons of history without.

[James Acaster]

Having to learn stuff, you and the.

[Benito Skinner]

Rest of the human race.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So basically same, you know where we are. 20 coming to the end of 20, 24. So that is the psychologically critical 2.5% of the way through a millennium. And it's. History shows that when millenniums start badly, it's quite hard to pull it around. So we've only got 975 years to pull this one out of the bag.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So can we do it? What do you think?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's not looking good so far, but.

[James Acaster]

What.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, you're the expert, you're the one doing a tour about it.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think we're going to. Do you think we're going to get there? Well, we need to start now, though.

[James Acaster]

But Andy can't like spoil what's in his shop. You can't go.

[Benito Skinner]

That's true.

[James Acaster]

Can't tell the conclusion. Everyone goes, I don't know what you think.

[Benito Skinner]

So the tour is going to go on the next 975 years.

[James Acaster]

Congratulations. I mean, is that you intending to live that long? Are you going to franchise it and other people can do it, or are we looking at the Zoltgram, the hologram? It's going to come out.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I mean, that seems to be the likely future of comedy, doesn't it? Yeah, you know, it's the future of 1970s Swedish pop, so it really should be the future of 2020 British standup as well. So. Yeah, I mean, I intend to do a hologram tour for the rest of the millennium.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, I don't want to dissuade people from buying tickets to see it now because obviously it's going to evolve. I'm not going to still be doing jokes in the year 2983 about the world in 2024. Hopefully. Maybe I will be. I mean, who knows? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you tour the hologram or would you have it in one location like ABBA Voyage?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I think, you know, thinking a little bit ahead, thinking, you know, six, 700 years into the tour, you'd expect that the technology would be there for just like a single atom sized microchip for people to just like shove it into their eyeball.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And they'll be able to see any show that they want and obviously they choose the resultgeist.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

2700.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it will be then.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't wait for the imicrochips.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Ed will be happy.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. I mean, the human eyeball has proved fallible over the years. You know, it doesn't always see what it thinks it sees, so the sooner it's replaced by the apple eyeball, the.

[Ed Gamble]

Apple of your eye, isn't it the.

[Benito Skinner]

Marketing there you go writes itself.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So, you know, that's. That can then record everything you see. So, you know, you can. You can check.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

You thought you saw something or you know, or someone. So meet them again. So I saw you. Then they say, no, you didn't. And then you can, like, check back.

[Ed Gamble]

Through and then you can prove.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, sorry, viewers.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, viewers.

[Benito Skinner]

So, yeah, the. I can't wait, I think. I mean, you know, facial technology is what, you know, we've got. Because at the moment it's. It's. It's on the face, isn't it? The smart glasses.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But, you know, you think you should be in the face with, you know, the. Like I say, the eyeball, the 6G.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

AI nose, whatever.

[James Acaster]

Be their tagline. It should be in the face.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Not on the face. In the face.

[James Acaster]

Not in the face. Yeah. I do get your feeling. I get my feelings hurt whenever my phone doesn't recognize my face.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

As a celebrity.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

And also just. I just think to myself, oh, God, go to the gym. Right.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think that's why it doesn't.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's just going, okay, I don't even recognize you anymore, I guess.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I was very suspicious of that technology when it first came in, so I took my profile picture wearing, like a fake beard and glasses and a hat. So I can't. I haven't. I haven't actually opened my phone in eight years.

[James Acaster]

So much important stuff on there. We always start with still or sparkling water, Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I've got to go for sparkling because, you know, I'm a big fan of the environment.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And, you know, the more carbon dioxide we can get out of the atmosphere and into drinks, then surely the better for the future of the planet. So, I mean, every time you drink still water, you're basically saying, I don't care if we live or die as a species.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So, you know, you need to trap the carbon dioxide because there's only 0.04% of the atmosphere is carbon dioxide. You know, I think. I don't know what the goal is to get it down to absolutely zero or, you know, 0.02, whatever. But. Yeah, so the more sparkling and obviously you've got, you have to then swallow the bubbles. Otherwise they re. Escape the bubbles out back into the atmosphere. I think doing my little bit for the. I also like to think of those little bubbles as the souls of dead fish trying to. Yeah. Escape.

[James Acaster]

You like to think of. You love the environment.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes. Fish are our evolutionary rivals.

[Ed Gamble]

Fish live on as well. So. Yeah, through the bubbles.

[James Acaster]

Why there are rivals, evolutionary speaking?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, I mean, because they must resent the fact. Yeah. Because we obviously emerged from the seas back in the day. Yeah. And you know, when fish look at what's. What we've achieved on land and the increased lifestyle choices that you have as a land based species. Yeah. I think there's got to be a little bit of jealousy and seething. They're plotting and resentment. You know, my old double act partner, John Oliver went to America and became one of the most famous comedians in the world. So he's very much the humans to my fish and that, you know, I know. You know, I can understand the.

[James Acaster]

You're still in the pond.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Watch it, Oliver.

[Ed Gamble]

So you are that you're the fish in this scenario.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah. So you know, I empathize.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You empathize with the fish.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think Oliver just thinks to himself, I wish I was back in the pond?

[Benito Skinner]

No doubt. I think he looks wistfully out of his window. In New York you can see probably see the pond. Definitely not.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So why haven't fizzy drinks companies harnessed this? They should be promoting that and being.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, yeah, we're pulling carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere. I didn't know that that's how it works. But yes.

[James Acaster]

Is that they're pulling it out of.

[Ed Gamble]

The atmosphere and they're putting. And they're putting it into the drinks.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. They should be using that as a product.

[Benito Skinner]

It's carbon capture, basically. Isn't that what they call it?

[Ed Gamble]

Do you then neutralize the carbon dioxide within your body?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, I think so.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you're not.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, you're not. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's just say you're not. You're not pissing out the carbon dioxide, are you? And it goes straight back into the water system.

[Benito Skinner]

Did you do fizzy piss? I hope not.

[Ed Gamble]

Sometimes I worry.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

You ever had fizzy piss?

[Ed Gamble]

Sometimes I do a really big foamy one and you do. You do panic.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah. A bit of. Bit of a head to it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Cappuccino.

[James Acaster]

Is that what you call it? What did you think about that?

[Ed Gamble]

Cappuccino?

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You were trying to make the pun work.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I just thought you were.

[Ed Gamble]

It's difficult. Andy's a real punster, so I'm trying to. I'm trying to match up.

[Benito Skinner]

I've been clean for a while, Tim.

[James Acaster]

No, you haven't. We all saw Taskmaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Every time you did a pun, Greg looked Like he was going to rip your head off. What's that like? Episode one, Making a pun. Seeing how angry it is and knowing I've got so many more of these. I said them all in the house. I've got them for every prize task. He's going to be furious, this guy.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, you know, it's a rush, isn't it, you know, to know you have that hold over someone who likes to think of themselves as an authority figure and yet you just, like, just needle your way in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

By the end, he was an absolute wreck of a human being.

[James Acaster]

He was actually. He softened by the end. He was enjoying the puns.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. He had to.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's just attrition.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Pop it.

[Benito Skinner]

Absorb bread. Pop it. Absolute bread.

[James Acaster]

Andy Saltzman. Pop it, absorb bread. What?

[Benito Skinner]

Bread. What are the bread options?

[James Acaster]

Whatever you want. Your favorite bread, right?

[Benito Skinner]

I do love a poppadom.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I think I'll go with popper. You don't want to fill up on a mill like this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Don't want to fill up too much on bread.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Just for listeners. Andy is one of the first guests ever to have a full laptop out in front of him.

[James Acaster]

It's a big laptop. It's a PC.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So, like it's, It's. We haven't had this before. I don't think we've even had someone bring like, you know, a MacBook in, really. This is like. We've had people bring in notes, paper.

[Ed Gamble]

Notes on their phone.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they printed them out. You have a ginormous laptop.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

What's my stats laptop?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

The stats are especially high screen, so I can see more stats on it. And, you know, you look through the stats like a magic eye picture. You look at just a screen full of stats in a spreadsheet. You just let your eyes relax and you see the blinding light of pure truth. James.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Ed Gamble]

James did suggest before we started recording that you have your food stats here, everything you've ever eaten on a spreadsheet.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Wouldn't be surprised if Andy Saltzman as a little boy bought that laptop.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep. And I was ahead of the game.

[James Acaster]

Started putting in his stats for what he's eating all the time.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, just. Just checking the latest stats. I think my career average is 402.3 sausages per annum.

[James Acaster]

That's a good. That's good going.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not bad at all.

[James Acaster]

Impossible to imagine Andy as a little boy without that same hairstyle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, impossible.

[James Acaster]

I can't imagine you without It, Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, in fact, my receding hairline was a lot further back when I was a child, and it's just gradually coming forward. You have been back on the show in 50, 60 years time. I'll just be like a very specific.

[Ed Gamble]

Benjamin Button type thing. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

End of the millennia, when you're still.

[Benito Skinner]

Exactly. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You'll be cousin it. Shout out, cousin it.

[Ed Gamble]

Shout out, shout out, cousin it.

[Benito Skinner]

But, yeah, I think. I think pap. No, do I do like a. I mean, the Indian. The Indian breads. Asian breads give you a lot of options.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're pretty banging as well.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If you want, you could set your dream meal in an Indian restaurant and you could cheat the system that way. Get proper nums and bread.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But of course, the rest of the menu might not be. It might be. I mean, the stomach. Mine started as well.

[James Acaster]

It was the most cartoon stomach rumble that we've had on the podcast. We've had quite a few.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Stomach rumbles on the podcast. We've done it, both of us, all the time.

[Ed Gamble]

I did one.

[James Acaster]

Benito never does because he's a goddamn robot from space. So he doesn't have any emotions, even hunger. But Andy's went.

[Ed Gamble]

It sounded more like a turkey than you did.

[James Acaster]

Yes. It's a perfect turkey impression. I wish I'd done it earlier. What was it that made the stomach rumble there? That. The thought of bread or the pop.

[Benito Skinner]

The concept of the papadum.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

What do you think? The ingenuity. And this is something that obviously we. You probably talk about a lot on this podcast, how food reveals the ingenuity of the human species compared with all the other species that we've outdone over the years in terms of what we eat.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So I don't think any other species would have looked at a chickpea and thought, well, I'll tell you what, if we roll out and then deep fry it. Yeah. Turn it crispy. That's gonna be awesome.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

It's bad, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely mad when you see all of these foods that we take for granted that took all of that work to think about, all of the things that they tried and then discarded.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, this is not the first time they did. They've obviously tried so many different versions of it.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, in probably the early versions of papadums that were shaped like a. Like a javelin, and the number of people who got, like, speared in the face by it before they finally thought, let's go with the discus, rather than the javelin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. India have a brilliant cricket team.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

If you went to.

[Ed Gamble]

You knew about cricket, man.

[James Acaster]

If you were gonna go to an Indian restaurant with any Indian cricketer who's ever lived.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

Who would it be? Who would you like to.

[Benito Skinner]

Who's ever lived?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Oh, that's a good. That's a. I'm. I have actually been to restaurants with some Indian cricketers.

[James Acaster]

Have you?

[Benito Skinner]

I went. I had lunch with Rahul Dravid, legend of the Indian game, many years ago in Bangalore. We were both writing for the same cricket website. Delightful, man.

[James Acaster]

Oh, that's nice.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Nice story.

[Benito Skinner]

But you've had.

[Ed Gamble]

You've had lunch with them, so.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. So what?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but it's also going to an Indian restaurant.

[Benito Skinner]

Right? So has to be specifically an Indian restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Because we'd already said you were set in there, so.

[Ed Gamble]

And they've. They've planned it as well. So it's not you going. I'm taking up for dinner. We'll go to an Indian restaurant.

[Benito Skinner]

Okay. Any Indian cricketer from history.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Benito Skinner]

Oh, well, I might go with Vinu Mankad, who played for India after the Second World War.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know why James has asked this question, because he's not gonna know who the person is.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Benito Skinner]

No.

[James Acaster]

Huh?

[Ed Gamble]

You're not going to know who they are.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. He was a very good, very good player. Spinning all rounder. And I'd probably choose him because he's been dead for quite a long time.

[Ed Gamble]

So.

[Benito Skinner]

I'll get more food. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Andy's stomach's gone again.

[James Acaster]

I love the stomach. I love how adorable Andy's stomach is.

[Benito Skinner]

Whenever I do a podcast, I bring thematic corporeal noises.

[James Acaster]

That's what the laptop's really for. He's secretly pressing the space bar every now and again and setting off the stomach rumble sound effect. So you are choosing papa dubs or you're choosing bread? Yeah, you are.

[Benito Skinner]

I'm choosing papadums.

[Ed Gamble]

Are we talking the dips?

[Benito Skinner]

Absolutely, absolutely. I want a. You know, I want chutney options.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I love a mango chutney, but it's nice to have, you know, like a sweet plum chutney. Sweet plum chutney, like the, you know, little raw onion.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Benito Skinner]

Dip, Hot pickle. Yeah, A bit of that. That sort of yogurty sauce. I never quite know the name of that.

[Ed Gamble]

Isn't a writer, but it's similar consistency. I love that. That's my. I think that's my favorite.

[Benito Skinner]

Used to call it grasshopper sauce when I was young. That's what My dad called it.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, nice.

[Benito Skinner]

Why was it just look like it was made of minced up grasshoppers.

[James Acaster]

Grasshopper sauce. Well, that's lovely. Maybe the listeners could adopt that. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How many poppadoms do you reckon you're getting through?

[Benito Skinner]

Two and a half.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's good. I think that's solid because when you go to an Indian restaurant they're like, how many poppadoms do you want? I'm always like thinking about it and then the person I'm with like, oh, just one each.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you talking about? That's nothing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, that. That's very disappointing when that happens. I think you have to go two each.

[Benito Skinner]

I think two x plus two where X is the number of people at the dinner.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[Benito Skinner]

And you've got a bit of.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's good.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. Bit of leeway.

[James Acaster]

Do you say that at the start of the beginning? Make it fun.

[Ed Gamble]

Two x plus two. Yeah, it'll be two x plus two.

[James Acaster]

Guys, I don't skimp on the grasshopper sauce.

[Ed Gamble]

Four waiters so confused.

[James Acaster]

How's this guy doing? Somebody is somebody running a regular over the side of their desk and twang in the regular and then draw?

[Ed Gamble]

No, that's just my stomach. Anyway, papadoms, 2x plus 2 please. And plenty of grasshopper sauce.

[James Acaster]

Your dream starter.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, there's a couple of choices for this. One is a single scallop that I ate in Scotland when I was on holiday with my then girlfriend, now wife, a millennium ago in fact, and I'd never had a scallop before and we went to a little pub on the west coast of Scotland and ordered scallops for starter and it turned out as one scallop, but it was pretty much the size of a tennis ball.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And it was one of those culinary moments where you feel like the sort of scales are falling from your eyes. Oh, what if? What have I been missing for the last 23 years of my life? At the time, yeah, it was just glorious perfection.

[James Acaster]

I know exactly what you mean. The first scallop you have is insane. It's so good. And congratulations on saying tennis ball there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That must have not been easy for you.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah. Well, advice to try and, you know, bring other sports into it.

[Ed Gamble]

You're diversified now.

[Benito Skinner]

Broaden my portfolio.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. How was it? How was it prepared? Did it have like a sauce with it or anything?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, it had a little, I think a little. Just a little bit of sort of a peppery sauce and a bit of a, you know, salad Garnish.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But really it was just a scallop on a plate. Yeah, there was no need to.

[Ed Gamble]

It's. They're so sweet. They're so delicious.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Did your then girlfriend now wife which. Is that how you still introduce her to people?

[Benito Skinner]

Well I've been showbiz. I introduce her as my first wife.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah of course. Did she know it was your first scallop?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were very open about these things.

[James Acaster]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

There's no point like claiming you've had loads and loads of scallops just to impress her like a new partner, isn't it? You've got to be honest.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

It's my first one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Especially if you're then going to be blown away by the scallop so much you can't control that. Yeah, yeah we already know you can't control your bodily reactions.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

This is.

[Ed Gamble]

I've had loads of these.

[James Acaster]

Little tummy giving me away again.

[Benito Skinner]

But my, my choice is not that. My choice is dahi puri which is. I'm going following up the papadums with another crunch based India. Have you, have you had dahi puris? I'm not chart. So you get your little crispy shells.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Char, I don't think there's enough A's in the woods.

[James Acaster]

There's not, there's nothing.

[Benito Skinner]

You get your crispy shells which I think are also made of sort of chickpea flour. Fill them up with like chopped up boiled potatoes, tiny little chunks of boiled potatoes, chopped up raw onion, chickpeas, pomegranate seeds, spices, bit of chaat masala, bit of chilli, dollop of yogurt, chutneys, tamarind chutney maybe mint chutney, coriander topped with sevres which is like crunchy chickpea micro noodles, some coriander leaves and it is the perfect mouthful. I don't think it's possible in this universe or any other universe to come up with a better mouthful than a, than a dahi poor. It's got everything because it's like a.

[Ed Gamble]

Perfect size as well. You can just pop it in.

[Benito Skinner]

Just pop it in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And again the first time I had that was a restaurant in Tooting called Kastori which sadly shut down. It was a South Indian vegetarian place. Shut down I don't know 10 or 12 years ago and I still haven't really recovered from that. Possibly the greatest trauma of my life when I drove past that and I did it had closed. I still remember. Yeah, it's like the. For people of an older generation. Where were you when you heard that John F. Kennedy had been assassinated? For me it's. Where were you when you drove past Castore and saw that it shut down? I always remember that I was driving my car past Kastore.

[James Acaster]

Kastore was where you were when John F. Kennedy was assassinated as well.

[Benito Skinner]

It was this fantastic little restaurant and the Dahi Puri. And I've had dahi puri in many places around the world in India and wherever I can find them in Britain. Had them in America. That was actually quite a weird one in America. I was in Los Angeles.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And staying in an Airbnb. I was doing a stand up tour and I saw there's a little Indian restaurant at the bottom of the road where I was staying in Airbnb. And I got back there late after, after the show and I thought. And it was sort of still open. I thought I'll go in and get. Get something there. And I walked in there and the guy at the counter said, hello, Mr. Zaltzman. And it was a time I was writing a blog on a cricket website and it had quite a big following in the Asian expat community in America.

[James Acaster]

John Oliver is so famous in America that everyone knows Andy's old.

[Benito Skinner]

It was.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the fish doing on land?

[James Acaster]

Well, the fish are there. Everyone.

[Benito Skinner]

It was. Yeah. Very odd. And then. And then they, they had pani puri, which is similar but without the yogurt on the menu. And I said, can you do dahi puri? And he said, for you we'll do dahi puri. And he.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing.

[Benito Skinner]

And it was like about midnight and that was glorious.

[James Acaster]

Oh, man.

[Benito Skinner]

Anyway, but it's.

[James Acaster]

So pani puri's got like stuff poured into it.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[Ed Gamble]

But you're cracking the top, so there comes the little pillows. Right. And you crack the top and then pour them in.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, you. Yes. I mean, it slightly depends which ones you're having. Yeah. So the diaper comes prepared with the top pre cracked and filled up with. But you know, it's got everything. It's got. It's got crunch, it's got gloop. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Loads of stuff.

[Benito Skinner]

It's got sharks.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that tamarind. Chutney is so good. Yeah, the tamarind is my favorite bit of that sort of stuff.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So good.

[James Acaster]

I love you getting one in la. Like, this is a sneaky midnight one just for you.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's gotta feel special. Yeah, that feels really. You probably didn't care how the gig went at that point.

[Benito Skinner]

No, no.

[James Acaster]

It's been worth the trip.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. But I mean, I've long since learned in my career not to get how the gig goes, but.

[Ed Gamble]

Just think about the puri after.

[James Acaster]

And how many of them do you want on your dream?

[Benito Skinner]

I think six.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Six of them. You're sinking those one after the other.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's probably. That's quite a lot for a starter, but. Yeah. Are there two of you at this meal? Was it just me?

[James Acaster]

Whoever you want.

[Ed Gamble]

Whoever you want. What's your dream meal?

[Benito Skinner]

My dream meal?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So do you drink guests at the meal?

[Benito Skinner]

What are the chances of my wife listening to this show?

[James Acaster]

You know her better than us also.

[Ed Gamble]

Very much. She knows you very well, so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Oh, I don't. I don't know. I don't know. Whatever historical figure. Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's be honest. It's a cricket player.

[James Acaster]

It could be a historical figure. It could be friends that you. People that can be people that you know.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It could be as many or as a few people. Could be us guys. Some people sometimes choose us and it's nice, but in the back of our minds, obviously, we're like, well, that's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You wouldn't have us.

[Ed Gamble]

It's because we're in front of you.

[James Acaster]

It's because we're in front of you.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But. But no way. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

It's good. I not thought who. My perfect dinner can.

[Ed Gamble]

If it's alone, that's also fine.

[James Acaster]

Mine would be alone.

[Benito Skinner]

I like to commune with fine foods on a deeply spiritual level. I mean, I've had a lot of wonderful meals with my wife.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Benito Skinner]

So it feels ridiculous to have another one. Unnecessary, I would say.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Especially the best meal you've ever had.

[Benito Skinner]

I don't know. I mean, any. Anyone from history that'll be. You know, I mean, Jesus would be quite interesting just to see if he could. If he could turn, you know, a dahi puri into like 5,000 dahi puri.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's more than 2x + 2.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because that's never really covered how we did because, like with that feeding the 5,000, it just seems that it just keeps on going. But there must have been a point where they're picking it up and they're dividing it and they're going, what?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

My assumption.

[Benito Skinner]

Nouveau cuisine gone mad for me, wasn't it? I mean. Yeah. In terms of what you're actually getting as a.

[Ed Gamble]

With tiny portions, I assume.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He's just really divided.

[James Acaster]

Like are you kidding me? The other, the other five thousandth of a loaf of bread.

[Benito Skinner]

Potential explanation is that it was a sort of a scheme whereby he made a few fish finger sandwiches and then encouraged everyone there to get the fish finger sandwich and then lend it to the person sitting next to them.

[Ed Gamble]

Right?

[Benito Skinner]

So, and that keeps going until everyone thinks they are owed a fish finger sandwich at the end of it. So basically people go away thinking we are one fish finger sandwich better off. So it's basically a sort of some kind of it's like Jersey scheme basically, with all due respect, like I said, Jewish. So we have to be a little.

[Ed Gamble]

Skeptical about Happy Christmas everyone.

[James Acaster]

Happy Christmas.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Now I'd like to introduce you to Meaningful Beauty, the famed skincare brand created by iconic supermodel Cindy Cropper. It's her secret to absolutely gorgeous skin. Meaningful Beauty makes powerful and effective skin care simple and it's loved by millions of women. It's formulated for all ages and all skin tones and types and it's designed to work as a complete skincare system, leaving your skin feeling soft, smooth and nourished. I recommend starting with Cindy's full regimen which contains all five of her best selling products including the Amazing Youth Activating Melon Serum. This next generation serum serum has the power of melon leaf stem cell technology. It's melon leaf stem cells encapsulated for freshness and released onto the skin to support a visible reduction in the appearance of wrinkles. With thousands of glowing five star reviews, why not give it a try? Subscribe today and you can get the Amazing Meaningful Beauty system for just 49.95. That includes our introductory five piece system, free gifts, free shipping and a 60 day money back guarantee. All that [e-mail].

[Benito Skinner]

What a difference a day makes.

[Cindy Crawford]

Swap your airport transit weight for an exciting stopover in Qatar where idyllic beaches and vibrant souks are all just moments away. Enjoy a 24 hour Qatar stopover with 5 star hotels from only $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.comstopover Terms apply. Why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because maybe you only bought two wreaths but you have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the advent calendar. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. 1800-Flowers.com knows that a gift is never just a gift. A gift is an expression of everything you feel and helps build more meaningful relationships. 1-800-FLowers takes the pressure off by helping you navigate life's important moments by making it simple to find the perfect gift. From flowers and cookies to cake and chocolate, 1-800-flowers helps guide you in finding the right gift to say how you feel. To learn more, visit 1-800-flowers.com/acast. That's 1-800-flowers. Com acast.

[Ed Gamble]

Getting engaged can be stressful. Getting the right ring won't be@blue nile.com the [e-mail] have sparkled down to a science with beautiful lab grown diamonds worthy of your most brilliant moments. Their lab grown diamonds are independently graded and guaranteed identical to natural diamonds and ready to ship to your door. Get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code LISTEN@blue Nile.com that's blue Nile.com code LISTEN for $50 off.

[James Acaster]

Your dream make course.

[Benito Skinner]

My dream main course. Well, this is a. Another. It's a specific dish.

[James Acaster]

Great.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, if I had to, you know, choosing one main course. I do love a big chunk of hake. I think it's a much underrated fish. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We went through when I was in a hake phase. A hake phase? Yeah. When I was a kid, my mum and dad got big into hake for a while.

[Benito Skinner]

Right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So it's breaded hake.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

At least one day a week.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. I think it's a really underrated fish and you know that. I mean, I think the people of Spain do a lot of good things with food.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

They really, really know how to treat a dead pig. And, you know, I mean, it must be exciting, I think, being a pig in Spain, thinking, you know, I mean, obviously you might, I don't know if you enjoy your life as a pig, but to think what awaits, you know, what joy you will bring.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's what I Spanish pigs go eat me.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. Yeah, they do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

They definitely go gobble gobble. But yeah, hake is a glorious fish. But my main course is a venison Wellington, specifically a venison Wellington made by the aforementioned wife we used to have.

[Ed Gamble]

So she's not invited to the meal, but she is cooking this fish.

[James Acaster]

She's catering it, insult to injury.

[Ed Gamble]

You can come, you can bring in the venison Wellington, but you got to Leave straight away.

[James Acaster]

Ridiculous time.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't look Jesus in the eye.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. We used to do these New Year's Eve parties where we have about six or eight friends around and they'd give us 25 or 30 quid and we go and buy a mother load of food and cook a eight or ten course meal, of which I was generally responsible for, I think it's fair to say fewer than half of the courses. The venison Wellington. And to put this in further context, I'm pretty sure this was 2008 and we just had our second baby on the 15th of December. So this coloring masterpiece was created two weeks after 16 days after giving birth. So it's pretty impressive. So it's a great big bit of venison fillet or loin, I can't remember which. And you have a sort of wild mushroom chicken liver pate around it.

[James Acaster]

Great.

[Benito Skinner]

Wrapped in Parma ham. And then pastry and baked and it. And then with a sort of sharp fruity sauce on the side. And it was absolutely spectacular.

[James Acaster]

That sounds good. Yeah. I mean, it's no secret on this podcast how much I love Wellington's.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We've done our dream menus twice now. 100 episode and 2. Both times I picked the same beef Wellington as my main course. I can't get over it. Right. I think I'm coming to your house for New Year's Eve. Just so on episode 300, I've got a different main course, the venison Wellington for Mandy's house.

[Benito Skinner]

It was glorious. Venison's a great meet.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a great meet. The Wellington format is one of my favorite formats.

[Benito Skinner]

Is it named after the Duke of Wellington? Is that what he was nibbling at the Battle of Waterloo?

[Ed Gamble]

Look it up, Benito. But I'm.

[James Acaster]

He's already on it. He's already on it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I'm guessing he's got a large part to play in the naming of it.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Cause he's. The boots as well. Right?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So the Wellington boots are named after him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Because before that everyone just wore green flash. Trainers in battlefields could often get quite muddy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So we invented key military edge.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Wellies.

[James Acaster]

It's unclear and it's not defined on. While historians generally believe that the dish is named after Arthur Welles Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington, the precise origin of the name is unclear and no definite connection between the dish and the Duke have been found. There you go.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it's just. It's just the best pie, isn't it, really?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, It's a pie where, you know you're going to get good filling. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, other, you know, wonderful main courses I've had over the years in the. Been to a few of the restaurants. The American celebrity, celebrity chef Scoot and Malvane. And in one of his restaurants had a. His signature thrice slapshotted puck of ruthlessly executed guiltless cow served on a sesame besieged matrice of yeast inflated and heat metamorphosed wheat influenced ditto be sauced with a deconstructed and reconstructed ketchupine rouge of tomat squige comfortingly blanketed with a rectangulant of time ripened coagulated udder origin lactotum of maternal bovioid, or to give it its nickname, a cheeseburger.

[James Acaster]

See, this is the. This is what I thought would happen every course. Yeah, yeah. I thought, Andy's gonna have written a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist and we're gonna have to engage. No, that exists, but that exists. It's a cheeseburger.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's a cheeseburger.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I don't know if you've been to any of Malvane's restaurants. His Emoto bistro, where each dish is intended to provoke an emotion as well as a flavor.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Benito Skinner]

Fantastic. Wow. His signature dishes include a hollow eyed haddock pessimistically served on a resigned bed of fait accompli, seaweed gunpoint served ransom of lamb's liver frightened into a territorine, presented with a harrowed memory of spirit broken split peas and giggly hen sausages aroused in a pseudo erotic ketchup of seriously buff stripped tomatoes.

[James Acaster]

I mean, they all sound quite nice.

[Ed Gamble]

It was like you hit your threshold of saying stuff that was real and then you were like, I've got it. Let me. Hang on, let me just do this before we carry on.

[Benito Skinner]

I must have done nearly. Nearly half an hour.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It's amazing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's interesting because your two main passions are stats, which couldn't be more real and absolute bullshit. Absolute nonsense. I love it. On this New Year's meal, you said you less than half the dishes you were responsible for, but what were those dishes?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, the cold, cold stuff. I mean, I haven't done it for quite a long time now, but I did want to make a very good cheesecake with. So it was an Indian influenced cheesecake and so the sort of. The topping had rose water and cardamom in it and then sort of crushed pistachios on top. It was absolutely delicious.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I can't remember. I mean, it did.

[James Acaster]

That'd get you a Hollywood handshake.

[Benito Skinner]

Surely you'd think so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, was it a baked cheesecake?

[Benito Skinner]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, it was. Okay, good.

[Benito Skinner]

I think so.

[James Acaster]

How there.

[Ed Gamble]

To me, it sounds like one of those cold cheesecakes that you just do in the fridge.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. You know, I think I baked it. I really can't remember. It was a long time ago.

[Ed Gamble]

Bollywood handshake.

[Benito Skinner]

It was Bollywood handshake.

[James Acaster]

Oh, lovely. Absolutely brilliant.

[Benito Skinner]

Absolute Bollywood bansheek.

[James Acaster]

So fast.

[Ed Gamble]

Not fast enough.

[James Acaster]

That was great. Bollywood handshake. He contested it for. To begin with. Is it baked? I'm not gonna do the joke if it's not baked. It is. It's a Bollywood handshake, then. Absolutely brilliant. Merry Christmas, everyone. Andy Zaltzman's Christmas dinner.

[Benito Skinner]

Okay. Can I. So I had possibly my greatest individual culinary triumph at Christmas in 2021. So I'll talk you through the menu that I did then. I was in Australia for the cricket with the BBC Radio, and it was still, you know, in the COVID times. And we'd been in Adelaide for the second test match and a couple of our team had had positive Covid tests and a couple others. So they and two others had to isolate. So the two had the positive tests that were stuck in Adelaide over Christmas.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Didn't get to Melbourne until after Christmas. And two others had to isolate until, I think, done a week. And then they flew into Melbourne on Christmas Day. And so I said, right, well, I'll do dinner. So there's three of us.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And I went up to the Victoria market in Melbourne, you probably both. Amazing market. And I did the five course Christmas Christmas lunch, which I think was, yeah, my greatest. In a little sort of apartment hotel with a fairly limited. So the first course was. I mean, I say I cooked it. This was just assembling some. Some hams and a bit mozzarella.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Charcuterie board.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, basically. Yeah. Then prawn and lobster risotto. Wow. Which.

[James Acaster]

That's a big.

[Benito Skinner]

I can't remember the recipe was from, but basically roast up a load of prawn shells.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Make a stock out of the roasted prawn shells, cook the risotto in the prawn shell stock, and then cook off the actual prawns and a bit of lobster tail to give it a bit of Christmas ziz. And it was absolutely delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

That sounds so good. But I know those apartment hotels and I ain't cooking fish in them. The bed is about four steps from the Oven.

[James Acaster]

Just the adina.

[Benito Skinner]

It wasn't the adena. No, it was. I can't remember which it was, but it. Not. Not an adena, I don't think. But. So that was, that was the starter main course without one non meat eater. So other than the. The ham starter and there were none. There were non meat options on. On the charcuterie board, obviously. Yeah. Did Japanese salmon with fried garlic shoots as a side. Garlic shoots and oyster sauce. The Japanese salmon marinated in mirin, some ketchup, mayonnaise, some shaoxing cooking sherry.

[James Acaster]

The stomach is non stop. It's non stop.

[Ed Gamble]

We know what she.

[James Acaster]

I've just decided to reference it again.

[Benito Skinner]

Just. Yeah, so just marinade. Marinade the salmon for half an hour in that and then cook it. Cook it hard but short.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Like raw on the inside. That sounds so good. Dessert was a chocolate and passion fruit mousse with a little kind of mango fruit salad underneath and then a load of cheese after. So when I say I cooked a.

[Ed Gamble]

Five course meal, the top and tail were just organizing, really arranging.

[James Acaster]

But yeah, still that is.

[Benito Skinner]

But it was.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Not, not your traditional Christmas Christmas meal.

[James Acaster]

Excellent. But also like nobody in that part of the world as well. Yeah, I think they're more likely to have like, you know, fish and stuff on Christmas day. I mean it's not. Yeah. They're not doing like Christmas dinners the same as in your favorite, the Northern hemisphere. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It sounds incredible. I'd be so happy with that on Christmas day.

[James Acaster]

I think I would love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Especially being away from home and you don't think you're going to get like a nice sort of sit down meal and then Andy Zotzman's whipping up a five courser in his hotel room.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, it was. Yeah. I don't usually go that big on cooking. I love cooking but I generally just riff stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But yeah, that was a. That was a definite triumph.

[James Acaster]

Did you call. It was art. Ho ho ho.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, no, because we're in the southern hemisphere so it goes backwards and it's not. Ho ho ho. Oh, oh.

[James Acaster]

That still works.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that how Santa speaks in Australia?

[Benito Skinner]

Yes, everything's fine. Oh yeah.

[James Acaster]

Speaks backwards.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Well, that sounds good. I think that's a lovely Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

That sounds great. I want that for my Christmas meal this, this year.

[James Acaster]

I would like that. Can you come around to either of our houses on Christmas day?

[Benito Skinner]

If the money's right.

[James Acaster]

The money will be right. Your dream side dish.

[Benito Skinner]

Right, my dream side dish. Does it have to be edible? So it could just be like A video of David Gower's cover drive.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, to be honest, you can have that. I mean, I've have a Christmas special that we've done. They chosen non edible course at one point. So, yeah, we have to let you.

[Benito Skinner]

Does it have to go. Does it have to be a side dish that complements the main dish?

[Ed Gamble]

No, not at all. This is your dream. If you don't mind. You're not complimenting, so. And I'm perfectly happy to serve whatever you're going to have on a VHS copy of David Gower's Cup.

[Benito Skinner]

Maybe we'll just. Maybe we'll just. Yeah, serve it on a picture of David Gower's cover drive. So we'll get that factored in.

[James Acaster]

What is. Cut. What's a cover drive?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, it's a. It's a. Okay. James, how old are you?

[James Acaster]

I'm 39. The only thing I know about cricket is that Atherton rubbed dirt on the ball.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

And that is true. He mentions that a lot.

[Benito Skinner]

All right.

[James Acaster]

That's all I know.

[Ed Gamble]

He brings that up a lot.

[James Acaster]

We're on a text group with some other comedians. A lot of them like cricket. Every time it comes up, right, I say, did anyone rub dirt on the ball? I hope Atherton's nowhere near it because he's a cheat and he will rub dirt on the ball.

[Benito Skinner]

Right. I mean, I think that's, you know, when you're just remembering that one incident.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

From a really illustrious career of well over 100 Test matches and, you know, one of the finest opening batsmen of the 1990s, which, of course, was a very difficult era to be an opening batsman because, you know, high quality bowling around the world. James, I think that's pretty unfair on Atherton.

[James Acaster]

Well, he let himself down. He shouldn't.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that.

[Benito Skinner]

Is it cheating?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he shouldn't cheat on the ball.

[James Acaster]

Well, I'm always.

[Benito Skinner]

It was. It was. Yeah. I think he's acknowledged that it was not the right thing to do.

[Ed Gamble]

There's more gamesmanship than it was to.

[James Acaster]

Make it spin funny, weren't it?

[Benito Skinner]

The point is, Mike Atherton is absolutely beyond criticism as a human being.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, obviously.

[Benito Skinner]

So what do you think about when.

[James Acaster]

The guy in Corvinians put weights in the front of the bobsled to make it go faster. John Candy's character, that's the other thing I remember about cricket. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So. Well, on the subject of bobsleds, my side dish could be, well, two things. One is a whole mozzarella. I don't know why that's on the subjects of bobsleds. But, yeah, I think you could fit a mozzarella and a bobsled. You could probably churn it up, stick.

[Ed Gamble]

A couple in there.

[Benito Skinner]

I said, was that how it was invented? Just rapid, you know, speed churning in.

[Ed Gamble]

A bobsled, buffalo milk in a bobsled and send it down the course.

[James Acaster]

Someone was caught in a snowball fight, and they weren't looking. They were building their snowballs, but not looking at the snowballs. And then they picked up some cheese by mistake, board it up, about to throw it.

[Benito Skinner]

That smells different to me. The. Like a good mozzarella. And obviously there's a. There's a wide range of mozzarellas.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But a good mozzarella. And I stayed with. With my wife on a. In an agri turismo in Italy when our first child was about one. This is before the venison Wellington, and it was an agriturismo attached to a buffalo farm. So we just had mozzarella pretty much every meal. And a good mozzarella, I think, is one of the purest delights for the kind, you know, the big gloopy, like, globule of perfect. The kind of thing you want to bury your face in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Kind you want to just like, kind of cheese you want to climb inside and live in. Yeah. You know when you say when you take a bite of a really good mozzarella, it makes you feel connected to the birth of the universe.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah. You'd like it. Like James the giant peach, but Andy and the giant mozzarella.

[Ed Gamble]

Could you live in a mozzarella, though? How quickly are you going to start eating your own house from the inside?

[Benito Skinner]

Pretty quickly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Pretty quick. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But I think you'd enjoy those minutes before you started eating.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What do you think of burrata, then? We've mentioned burrata a lot on the podcast and how it's basically the end of the mozzarella because people are like, this is creamier. It's like mozzarella, but better.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you feel that way, or is mozzarella still the king for you?

[Benito Skinner]

Mozzarella is still the king for me, but, you know, I like. I like a mozzarella like a skamorza, just because I love the word particular. It's one of those words that's almost impossible to say without putting on a New York accent.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, it sounds like it's the rank above capo in the mafia, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you put on a New York accent, does John Oliver Phil More at home.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, does a whole mozzarella count as a side dish?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, totally. Especially if it's on a picture of David Gower doing his cover drive and.

[Benito Skinner]

You maybe chuck into.

[James Acaster]

I don't know what that is.

[Benito Skinner]

Deeply tomato. Ish tomatoes. Bit of olive oil, maybe a little.

[James Acaster]

So it's not quite a caprese. You're not having basil leaves on it.

[Benito Skinner]

No, you can. You could. You could Capra it up. Definitely. But the key is it's just a mozzarella uncut. Just a big blob.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Of mozzarella.

[Ed Gamble]

I had. I had mozzarella last night, Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I was making. I had a steak and asparagus I was making for myself.

[Benito Skinner]

All right.

[Ed Gamble]

And I thought, you know, I can get some mozzarella. Get some tomatoes, do that. And quite disappointing when I poured the mozzarella water out.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Which I don't. You might drink it. I just pour it away. It's really small mozzarella.

[Benito Skinner]

Pour it out before you get to bed.

[Ed Gamble]

In your dream of mozzarella, quite disappointingly small mozzarella. Yeah. So I did have a whole mozzarella last night.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because it was quite small mozzarella.

[Benito Skinner]

The really, really fresh ones. Yeah. I used to. At the end of the Edinburgh Festival, after I did my last show, I'd generally mark the occasion by buying a mozzarella and eating it.

[James Acaster]

Stuart Lee, even more confused.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, the other option for my side dish is back to Spain for some octopus paprika. And again, it's. Yeah, slightly, I guess. You know, a lot of food is about memory, isn't it? And the first time my wife and I went to northern Spain, we went to Galicia and we stayed in a beautiful old town called Pontevedra and had some octopus, which, you know, just basically cooked up fresh in front of us. And, yeah, again, I'd never even contemplated eating octopus before, and it was. Yeah. So delicious. And it's like grilled.

[Ed Gamble]

Grilled octopus.

[Benito Skinner]

No, I think it's just boiled.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then a bit of oil on it, but, yeah, a little bit of paprika. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And. And also, I mean, there's a, you know, in terms of, you know, the evolutionary race, the octopus is one of the most intelligent species that there is. And some people say, oh, you shouldn't eat them because, you know, it's disrespecting an intelligent species. I say, you know, we are in an evolutionary race.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

If you don't eat an octopus, they're going to evolve, aren't they? And overtake us.

[Ed Gamble]

You're very suspicious.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

I love the thought of some of that dinner with you. I don't think you should eat that, Andy. That's quite clever.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We are in a new Venetian pigs, isn't it?

[Benito Skinner]

And pigs are.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, I know, you know, not. Not strictly kosher, but like I said, very, very lapsed.

[Ed Gamble]

There's loopholes you've mentioned.

[Benito Skinner]

If you eat it.

[Ed Gamble]

You've mentioned pork products over 50 times this episode.

[James Acaster]

That can't be. If you're saying we are in an evolutionary race and then you bow to the rules of religion, you're gonna be in trouble there.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. So it's. It's. We've got an octopus versus cheese battle here and. But I think I'm gonna go with the cheese as my lovely.

[James Acaster]

Well, yeah, I mean, both of those things, obviously. Delicious, simple side dishes.

[Ed Gamble]

I think out of those two as well, the mozzarella is the one that goes better with the Wellington.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Would you like a mozzarella? When Wellington, like.

[Benito Skinner]

I'm not sure.

[James Acaster]

Have a big thing of mozzarella and then cover it with olive oil and salt. Just all around it.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

And then basil leaves.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[James Acaster]

All around it. And then the pastry.

[Benito Skinner]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not gonna work.

[James Acaster]

Hollow out a tomato that's slightly bigger than the mozzarella.

[Ed Gamble]

Parma ham. Maybe a duxelle.

[James Acaster]

Huh.

[Ed Gamble]

I think me and Andy both think it's not gonna work because it's just gonna melt straight away, isn't it?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, it's not gonna work.

[James Acaster]

Heston might be listening to this and will think, by Jove.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I mean, in terms of octopus. Scoot and Malvane. Some wonderful octopus.

[James Acaster]

Here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought I'd sense Andy had zoned out in that bit.

[James Acaster]

He's reading his doc, he's reading his document.

[Benito Skinner]

He was teeing something up his Protesteron, which is the first protest themed restaurant in the world where waiters take your orders by chanting through a megaphone, what do you want? And then you announce what you want. And then they say, when do you want it? And you say, now. And then they go, but amazing starters, it was a crusade of crudite rioting riets of real grouse placards of Icelandic elkham vitriol with squid ink slogans and brandished on a Soviet influence sausage stick. And the main courses, I mean, the. The octopus dish, which is a pastry fenced occupations of octopus riot policed with carrot, batons and suede by propaganda of lefty lettuce. Hard to look beyond that. So I mean the beef from around the world served overdone or underreported. They were pretty good. And force fed opinions of sheep dribbled in an evangelified sauce de raison temp re. Dribbled in a half baked tomato motto. That was also excellent.

[James Acaster]

Cannot believe Kettle chips isn't in there. Absolutely waiting for Kettle chips.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plum grumble was excellent.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

That's Ed Snickname and the Furious banana banners with an absolute fool. That was. That was also good.

[Ed Gamble]

Good. Got that off your chest. Yep, yep.

[James Acaster]

You seen Finding Dory as the sequel to Finding Nemo?

[Benito Skinner]

No, I've not seen it. I did see Finding Nemo when my kids were quite small.

[James Acaster]

Octopus drives a truck in that.

[Benito Skinner]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Finding Dory. Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. Just proves my point, doesn't it? Proves my point.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. We can't let that happen.

[Benito Skinner]

It's let's eat or be eaten, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

That's what.

[James Acaster]

We can't let that happen. Your dream drink, Andy.

[Benito Skinner]

My dream drink. Cup of tea.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So happy. Joe. What's nice. You're. You're a very sweet man and everyone knows this and you have the same little self satisfied smile as the great Benito does.

[Benito Skinner]

All right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I don't think the listener knows that Benito smiles every now and again. He does.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But it's always when he said something.

[James Acaster]

He likes, it's always about his own thing that he's just said and he'll smile to himself, really pleased with him. It's a nice little U shaped smile and you've got the same one and it's just, it's just very sweet. But this is specific cup of tea.

[Benito Skinner]

Specific cup of tea.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Which is. This is why I love tea.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I think tea. Good, good leaf tea is one of the greatest luxuries because you buy one of the best teas in the world and it works out about 40, 50p a cup.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

It's cheaper than a tea bag at a station. Considerable amount. And you know, the variety in tea is like wine is all you have to do. How it's where it grows some. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention brands or companies, but my chosen supplier of Class 80s Imperial teas in Lincoln have a fantastic shop, fantastic website with a little essay on all the teas and some of them come from like a specific tree.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

But a specific height. Halfway up a mountain somewhere in China. And my two favorite teas. One is one that they sell called Honey Honcha, which is. It's like Drinking Optimism. It's as the name suggests, it's got a sort of honey ish taste. That's a Chinese black tea. You can brew it long and have it with milk or brew it for a couple of minutes and have it on its own.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Benito Skinner]

Glorious. And the other is a tea called Opium Hill, which I got from a French tea shop in Paris when I did a really weird BBC World show with the American economist Max Kaiser, also featuring one.

[Ed Gamble]

Funny old career you've had, isn't it?

[Benito Skinner]

Boris Johnson's brothers.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

And they paid not a great deal, but they did take. You had to get the Eurostar out to Paris because it was filmed in.

[James Acaster]

Paris with the three of you on the same train.

[Benito Skinner]

I share the train with. With Boris Johnson's brother. Yeah, Leo. But anyway, then. So basically got Eurostar over in the morning, back in the evening, did the recording. It's like a. I can't remember, a 20 minute chat about the state of the global economy or something. I can't remember. But then I'd like an afternoon in Paris and went to this tea shop called Mariage Frere and got this tea called Opium Hill, which is. Sorry about that.

[James Acaster]

That's happens when you bring a full PC into the studio.

[Ed Gamble]

I guess that was his stomach again.

[James Acaster]

It's not run out of noise. It's so hungry. It's like full digital.

[Benito Skinner]

It's what they call a blue tea, which is like an oolong from Thailand. That is like drinking liquefied truth. It's a tea that affects me on a deeply spiritual level in the same way that listening to Muddy Waters singing. I see that as the tea equivalent of the depth.

[Ed Gamble]

And ironically, that's how I see tea.

[James Acaster]

The depth is good.

[Benito Skinner]

The depth of truth that you get is good.

[James Acaster]

It's no Bollywood handshake, but good. It's good stuff.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. So that would be my.

[James Acaster]

I love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's good. It's rare we've gone to such depth on. On tea.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We haven't had such an. Normally people. I just like it. But that's lovely. And like. Do you want to listen to Muddy Waters while you drink your tea?

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. I mean, once. Yeah. If you. And particularly if it's tea during the tea interval of a cricket match and you're listening to Muddy Waters. I mean, that's quite hard to see where humanity can go that would ever be better than that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's the end of the disappointment in.

[Benito Skinner]

Having done the greatest thing that could ever be done.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

So maybe want to leave that as a hypothetical rather than already have done.

[Ed Gamble]

It and the rest, you know, it's the end.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. You know, what a way to go. Yeah, that would be. I mean, there's a lot of talk about, you know, assisted dying, but I mean, if that's. If you could do it like that. Drinking a cup of Opium Hill tea, listening to Muddy Waters, watching cricket during a tea. Breaker up.

[James Acaster]

Never been more serious about. Absolutely wants to do that. Any particular Muddy Waters song that you would, you would want to choose not.

[Benito Skinner]

A specific song, but a specific album.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Which is Folk Singer, which is an acoustic album he did in the, I think early 60s.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Had a buddy guy playing guitar on it as well.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Benito Skinner]

And that I picked up in Norton Kane services on the M6 Toll Road for £3 next to the gin. The days when you had cars, had CD players. Remember that? Remember that? Yeah. Put it on. I was already a big Muddy Waters fan and. Oh, that's. That's beautiful.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna listen to that after the record.

[Ed Gamble]

Glad you're treating yourself to the toll road as well.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah, why not?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Now I'd like to introduce you to Meaningful Beauty, the famed skincare brand created by iconic supermodel Cindy Crawford. It's her secret to absolutely gorgeous skin. Meaningful Beauty makes powerful and effective skincare simple and it's loved by millions of women. It's formulated for all ages and all skin tones and types. And it's designed to work as a complete skin care system, leaving your skin feeling soft, smooth and nourished. I recommend starting with Cindy's full regimen which contains all five of her best selling products including the amazing youth activating Melon Serum. This next generation serum has the power of melon leaf stem cell technology. It's melon leaf stem cells encapsulated for freshness and released onto the skin to support a visible reduction in the appearance of wrinkles. With thousands of glowing five star reviews, why not give it a try? Subscribe today and you can get the amazing Meaningful Beauty system for just 49.95. That includes our introductory five piece system, free gifts, free shipping and a 60 day money back guarantee. All that of available@meaning beauty.com Instacart Steel.

[Cindy Crawford]

Week is coming up from December 17th to December 23rd. That means you can get up to 25% off holiday gifts for the whole family from stores like Sephora, Best Buy, Petsmart and more. And you can get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Just think of it as Instacart's little gift to you. And while we're on the subject, why not get a little something for yourself too? Shop deal week from December 17th to 23rd and save up to 25% on gifts. Discounts vary, minimum spend, maximum discount and exclusions apply.

[James Acaster]

Your dream dessert. We arrive at your dream dessert.

[Benito Skinner]

Right, so again, a couple of options for this one is just some ice cream from a shop called Giolitti in Rome which is near the Pantheon, an old Roman temple. And they just do fantastic. I mean obviously there's a lot of fantastic ice cream in Italy, but this again, sort of, you know, specific family memories of buying ice cream and sitting next to this 2000 year old temple eating. Yeah, pistachio ice cream from.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no way to talk about your.

[Benito Skinner]

Wife from the gods, particularly pistachio ice cream from there, which I think a good piss. I think a good test of a pistachio ice cream is a good test of an ice cream shop.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

If you can't nail a pistachio, you've got no business.

[James Acaster]

So a lot of people would say that about the vanilla. They'd go, if you want to test how good it is, you go for the vanilla. But you're a pistachio. You want to see how good they do that.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Why the pistachio?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, it's, I guess it's not too sweet. It's mellow and smooth and rich, deep flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

You want to taste the roasted sort of nature of the pistachio. Right. You want to get that flavor but without it being overbearing.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, I agree with you.

[Ed Gamble]

I love a pistachio. Same with a hazelnut as well as a good gelato to go for peanut butter ice cream.

[James Acaster]

Peanut ice cream.

[Benito Skinner]

I'm not such a fan of that.

[James Acaster]

No, no, no, no.

[Benito Skinner]

Don't mind a good, good black, black fruit sorbet. Fan of that?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you going cone or cup?

[Benito Skinner]

Cup. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Good. You've passed. You've passed the test.

[James Acaster]

Good. I mean, you know, you don't get cones in cricket. They all wear a cup. Loves it. Your stomach is.

[Benito Skinner]

I'm really struggling.

[James Acaster]

Well, you say you're struggling.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm loving it every time.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely phenomenal. It was from the moment we started. It's non stop. It's going crazy, Andy. It's going absolutely crazy on you.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it a picked up on Mike Bonito?

[James Acaster]

Surely it's been that first one has.

[Ed Gamble]

To be picked up on mic. The first one was louder than Andy speaks that frequency.

[James Acaster]

It was a very high pitch frequency. Cuts through all of us. But that Last one just then must do as well. It was quite a.

[Benito Skinner]

Well, it's basically literally my internal monologue.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How many flavors per cup is what? Cause sometimes I get excited and I'm like, three scoops in a cup, and then they all mix up and you're losing the purity of it.

[Benito Skinner]

Two is optimal. You can always, you know, go back and.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Get like, a bonus.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

If you've done well on the first two.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I find it hard not to go free because I love ice cream so much. And I always. I always go, I should have just gone two. Like, I was like, now, remember, next time, just go for two, because, you know, that's enough. And it's nice. And they compliment each other. And three is just always too much ice cream. And they're not going to compliment each other as much. You go in different ways.

[Benito Skinner]

One of the best ice creams I ever had was a vanilla ice cream. A restaurant in London, I can't remember, possibly Andrew Edmonds. And it just had Pedro Jimenez. Sherry poured on the top and simple but divine.

[Ed Gamble]

I love it. I absolutely love stuff like that. Yeah. With the sherry poured on top.

[Benito Skinner]

It's proper.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Vanilla ice cream with booze on it. Yeah. Whiskey as well. With like. With that kind of ice cream.

[Ed Gamble]

But.

[Benito Skinner]

And I don't know if this counts as dessert, but, like a cheese trolley. Is it either or.

[James Acaster]

Now, listen, here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the controversial point here. Andy, we have.

[James Acaster]

I just found out. Sorry, someone's just wheeled the trolley in. I'm hungry. I'm not even hungry. That was the sound of the. That was the sound of the trolley wheels on the floor, rolling along. And he's bought him props.

[Benito Skinner]

This has never happened to me before.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Don't worry. It happens to a lot of guests.

[Ed Gamble]

It's great having two guests. Guests on.

[James Acaster]

So listen, just transparency.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

There's guests on the podcast before who decided that they want a cheese board instead of a dessert.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I've gone absolutely ape at them. It makes me furious. Ed and I have both, on our dream menus, chose a traditional sweet dessert and a cheese board and had them, you know, one after the other in whatever or order. And we've had other guests do that.

[Ed Gamble]

And we know you've got a history with that after your Christmas meal in Melbourne.

[James Acaster]

I like that because I do like doing that myself. I like the cheese course as either a bridge from the main course to the dessert or afterwards by the fire with your friends. Just like taking your time with a cheese Board. That's fine if you have it in place of the ice cream. Especially because it sounds delicious. Your stomach is gonna be making way worse noises than what it's currently making. I'm gonna.

[Ed Gamble]

I think this is a Christmas episode. It would be a shame to not give you the ice cream and the cheese drink.

[Benito Skinner]

Right, good.

[James Acaster]

It'd be a huge shame.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. So, I mean, a good cheese board is one of just the stomach.

[James Acaster]

Sorry about this stomach.

[Ed Gamble]

The stomach's run out of battery and.

[Benito Skinner]

It'S still bloody bleeps.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, Andy, stomach really tired.

[Benito Skinner]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud.

[Benito Skinner]

So press the wrong button. My. One of my favorite ever cheese boards was in the Wandsworth restaurant. Shea Bruce.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Benito Skinner]

Which is constantly racing. One of the best certainly in London and possibly the country. And we went there to celebrate when my wife and I found out she was pregnant for the first time.

[James Acaster]

So this is pre.

[Ed Gamble]

Pre Wellington.

[Benito Skinner]

Pre Wellington.

[James Acaster]

Pre. The Buffalo mozzarella farm.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But post scallop.

[Benito Skinner]

Post scallop.

[James Acaster]

We're doing a timeline of Andy's relationship.

[Benito Skinner]

We went to celebrate and they have a fantastic cheese trolley there. But my wife had just found out she was pregnant, so was unable to eat. A lot of the cheese were unpasteurized. So I just vaunted my cheese freedom in her face. And still one of the greatest moments of our relationship as far as I.

[James Acaster]

Well, maybe that's your dream. Your dream meal. The person you're having it with is your wife while pregnant and you get to just like go absolutely wild and eat whatever you like.

[Benito Skinner]

But in terms of we mentioned food showing the ingenuity of humanity. I think cheese does that more than anything else. How humans have taken the idea of milk and turned it into thousands and thousands of cheeses.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I think, you know, that tells you a lion wouldn't do that. You know, a shark wouldn't do that. Yeah. It took a very special.

[James Acaster]

One of the list of animals that wouldn't do it. A shark wouldn't do it.

[Benito Skinner]

It took. It took a very special species to. To do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you remember any of which particular cheeses that really.

[Benito Skinner]

I can't remember from that.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Benito Skinner]

Now I do like a strong blue cheese. So we've been to northern Spain on holidays quite a bit. And the Cabrales cheese, I don't know if you've ever had that. It's from the north of Spain and it is a kind of combat level blue cheese. It's, you know, it's a kind of Cheese that needs to be cordoned off. And I mean, it's. It's borderline assault more than cheese. Yeah. But it's. I mean, that's quite spectacular.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Outstanding. Mimolette in Paris once. Just like a hard, orangey cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So you like the big. The big cheeses?

[Benito Skinner]

I do like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

I like a big cheese and smack.

[Ed Gamble]

You in the face.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Sort of cheese.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Want to hear the worst joke I've ever said on this podcast? Cabral. This is Charlie Dimmick's favorite cheese. Charlie Dimmock.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Everyone was obsessed that she didn't wear a bra.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It was like the main news in this country for ages.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

As a topical comedian.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The Dymocks Saltzman would have covered that every week.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you. Would you have done?

[Benito Skinner]

Well, look, if it's in the news, you know, I have a sacred, sacred duty.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Given to me by Almighty Zeus to try and make jokes about it. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Full respect.

[Benito Skinner]

As much as a gift.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

You would like sparkling water, of course. Saving the planet. You would like two and a half poppadoms with chutney. All the chutney options. Raw onions, grasshopper sauce, of course. Hot pickle starter, six dahi puris. Main course, venison Wellington made by your wife on New Year's Eve. Your Christmas meal. This is the charcuterie board, the prawn and lobster risotto. Ho ho. Japanese salmon, chocolate and passion fruit mousse. And the cheese board afterwards, side dish.

[Ed Gamble]

Whole mozzarella on a picture of David Gower.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, sorry. David Gower's cover drive, which I still don't know what a cover drive is. Your drink is Opium Hill, cup of tea from Paris while listening to Folk Singer by Muddy Water. Dessert, you would like a cup of pistachio ice cream from Gillitty in Rome. And what was the other one? Is it just the pistachio you want in that cup?

[Benito Skinner]

I want to chuck in a. Chuck in a sorbet.

[James Acaster]

Chuck in that fruit sorbet that you said. Yeah. Joe. What? I'm also going to chuck in the vanilla rice cream with the sherry on it. All right, so I'm just going to throw that in separate bowl because it sounds so great. I think from Andrea should have it. And then you want to follow that up with a cheese board from Che Bruce while your wife is pregnant.

[Benito Skinner]

Yep. Yep. Sounds pretty good.

[Ed Gamble]

It does.

[James Acaster]

That does sound good. Weirdly, me reading you that menu Back was the quietest your stomach has been, though. It completely stopped for the hearing. The full menu.

[Ed Gamble]

I think your dream menu is more Christmassy than your Christmas menu.

[Benito Skinner]

Yes, that's quite fair.

[James Acaster]

Does that sound good to you?

[Benito Skinner]

That sounds excellent.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that sounds good to me.

[Benito Skinner]

Do we cook it now? Is that how the show works?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got a little kitchen out there.

[James Acaster]

And listeners might be like, no, you never do that. We actually do for the listeners. We always do an episode afterwards where we cook the meal and eat it. We put those in the vault like Prince does with albums or used to, and we're going to release them all posthumously.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Excellent. And that's how I brought my own.

[Benito Skinner]

Deer for the venison Wellington, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I was wondering what that was.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

Wrestle it to the death.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Benito Skinner]

That's the best way to do it. Then you sort of ready, tenderize it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We're in an evolutionary race, so I'm gonna. I'll take on that venison also.

[Ed Gamble]

We release some best of episodes at the end of the year where we have all our favorite clips and there's gonna be a separate section. There's gonna be like, oh, we had Andy Zaltzman on to talk about Christmas. There's gonna be all our favorite clips from this. But then we will have a separate section saying, but our most surprised guest was Andy's tummy. And then we'll just have a compilation of all of your tummy sounds.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Simply cut off all the tummy sounds. And then someone out there will undoubtedly auto tune all those into some Christmas song using your tummy Gurgles.

[Benito Skinner]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you'll be able to play that every Christmas as a family. Be a new tradition.

[Benito Skinner]

I think Tommy Gurgles plays baseball for the New York fork.

[James Acaster]

Anything you want to say before we go, Andy? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Any more bullshit on the laptop for us?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want you to have written a whole dish out and we don't get to hear it.

[Benito Skinner]

I think that's. I think we've. Yeah, we've covered it, I think. Oh, those. Well, there's Malvane's got a new insect restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, fantastic.

[Benito Skinner]

The. Oh, and. And he's got a new new restaurant in Paris which is an all you can eat shellfish seducto brasserie called Moulay Vous buffet avec moi. He's. He's got a couple of Christmas recipes he's just put out on social media. One is a regretful wood pigeon hand haunted In a memory of asparag wrongdoings, bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard punched potato faces. Or you can go with the high speed car crash tenderized paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a splenetic reduxio, gruffly manhandled chanterelle mushroom willies and a pert bouncer of cabbage tits. But he's got new insect because obviously insects are going to be the future of food. And his latest insects menu is a trio of breast of ladybird, filet de wasp and tarantula web snaffled moth sweetbread heartened by a sauce squig leash of fear motivated larvae. Then you've got an amuse bouche of a ready pop cocoon of caterpillar flouncing into a mouth flutter of freshly buttered butterfly. And then a magazine of swat orphaned fly infants confronted by an encroachment of filth fed cockroaches counterintuitive on a tally a tele of hand splattered worms. Beautiful. Well that's the future of food people.

[Ed Gamble]

Andy, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Andy. Pleasure.

[Ed Gamble]

Thanks Andy. Merry Christmas. Well, there we are. What a wonderful way to see Christmas. The Christmas period in.

[James Acaster]

Yes, with Andy and his very vocal tummy.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh my goodness, the tummy man, the tum. Look, it happens a lot on the podcast, but maybe would only happen once or twice and it's often me. There'll be a little gurgle, but it won't. It'll go on reference because it's quiet enough to get away with. But we just couldn't leave it because Andy's stomach was louder than his voice.

[James Acaster]

The first one was so loud and then it didn't stop. Yeah, we had to not reference it every single time, otherwise we'd still be recording. But like it happened so much. I'm very curious to see how often it is audible to the listener.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll tell you what we're gonna start having to do. Sorry, this is more work for you, Benito.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, Ben.

[Ed Gamble]

It's having three extra mics in the studio at tummy level.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you will have to do that and make sure they're at tummy level, otherwise we'll be in trouble. Have a few guests complaining. Neither Andy or his tummy mentioned a wax lettuce.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So that was good. That means we don't have to kick either them out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, exactly. But don't forget to go and see Andy on tour with his brand new show, the Zaltgeist touring nationwide until 9 May at London's Leicester Square Theatre. Plenty of dates. Go and check them out on andyzaltzman.co.uk.

[James Acaster]

Thank you so much, Andy, for coming on again. Ed, do you want to do some food shout outs? We've had some food set for us.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we've had some lovely stuff which.

[James Acaster]

We appreciate very much.

[Ed Gamble]

Always very grateful for it. We've had some kombucha from lowbros and left field. Two different types of kombucha. You're a booch head.

[James Acaster]

I'm a booch head. So I'm looking forward to contrasting and comparing these two brands.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, like a fine wine.

[James Acaster]

Wine. Yeah, exactly like a fine wine.

[Ed Gamble]

A vertical taster.

[James Acaster]

Yes. I will do a vertical tasting on both of them. That is exciting. I like discovering new kom booches. Yes. You know, I've shouted out my favorite one on the podcast before, but maybe this will be a challenger.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got some great coffee as well.

[James Acaster]

From Elsweyr Coffee that Benito has described himself as lovely. Yes, he is a big fan of it. It's here in the offices, in Benito's office, which. He runs a pretty tight ship here.

[Ed Gamble]

He does. But we get so much nice stuff that any guests coming in, they got the pick of the crop here.

[James Acaster]

They got the pick of the crop and now they've got some lovely coffees to drink while they're waiting to talk to these two hunks.

[Ed Gamble]

We got some beer from Pressure Drop, which Benito thinks got drunk at the Christmas party.

[James Acaster]

He said thinks very uncertainly because clearly he had a bit of a rowdy one at the Christmas party. Bonito gone on the sherrys.

[Ed Gamble]

I didn't get to taste any of this Pressure Drop. But I like Pressure Drop. I've had their beers before, so I am happy to give a big shout out to Pressure Drop.

[James Acaster]

Oh, lovely. Thank you, Pressure Drop.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you, Pressure Drop. We got sent some grounded plant based protein shakes.

[James Acaster]

You drink that at home, don't you?

[Ed Gamble]

I have drunk that at home and I didn't realize we got sent free ones until I came into the Christmas party and there was a box of it sat there. Well, actually, first time I saw it, Anya Magliano was walking around the party drinking it like it was a party drink and then said she was gonna take the whole box and then messaged me the next morning saying I forgot the protein drink.

[James Acaster]

Why was she drinking them at the Christmas party, the protein drink?

[Ed Gamble]

You met Anya, right?

[James Acaster]

I guess so. But I mean, is it because it's like a milkshake.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I guess so. It's the closest thing to a milkshake she could get.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah. That's fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

She was loving it.

[James Acaster]

Needs must.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but they are. I really like those and they help my gains. We got sent some whiskey from Compass Box. Whiskey and a lot of fun, James. They put it in like a leather pouch with a padlock on it and you've got to solve the puzzle to open it to get to the whiskey.

[James Acaster]

That's more up your street than mine.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it wasn't up my street. I worked out that the bag was quite loose so I could just take the bottle out without opening the padlock.

[James Acaster]

That's it. Lateral thinking.

[Ed Gamble]

Lateral thinking. That's in my bag. Thank you very much.

[James Acaster]

Congratulations, Ed. Lovely whiskey. Ding ding.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's it from our Christmas specials. But fear thee not, we'll be back with best of the year episodes as we always do. We do compilations of our favorite bits from across the whole year and it's.

[James Acaster]

The best episode of the year.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the best episode of the year. It's the only one James listens to while he cleans his house.

[James Acaster]

That should be the best of. Yeah, it's clips of the best of.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's true. Well, it is. It is.

[James Acaster]

No, no, what we should include is that clipped up.

[Ed Gamble]

But that's what it would be.

[James Acaster]

We should do another episode at the end of the year which is clipped up, the best of the best.

[Ed Gamble]

And then it just gets shorter and.

[James Acaster]

Shorter and shorter until you get the best.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So looking forward to that. I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas period. Whatever you're doing, however you're celebrating, just have a lovely rest.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Look after yourselves.

[Ed Gamble]

Bye bye.

[James Acaster]

Bye. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

[Benito Skinner]

What a difference.

[Cindy Crawford]

Swap your airport transit. Wait for an exciting stopover in Qatar where idyllic beaches and vibrant souks are all just moments away. Enjoy a 24 hour Qatar stopover with 5 star hotels from only $48 per night. Go to visit qatar.comstopover Terms apply. Sharing all the joy that the holiday season brings has never been easier with celebrations. Passport from 1800-flowers.com my one stop shopping site for even those hard to gift people with celebrations. Passport. I get free shipping on thousands of amazing holiday gifts like festive flowers and arrangements and fresh fruit and gourmet gift baskets from Harry and David. Make the holidays merrier by gifting smarter at 1-800-FLowers.com acast. That's 1-800-FLowers.

[James Acaster]

Com acast Discover Hydro the best kept secret in fitness, Hydro is the state of the art at home rower that engages 86% of your muscles, delivering the ultimate full body workout in just 20 minutes. From advanced to beginner, Hydro has over 5,000 classes shot worldwide and taught by Olympians and world class athletes. For a 30 day risk free trial, go to hydro.com and use code row to save up to $800 on a hydro pro rower. That's H Y D R O W com Code Row.