Ep 278: John Kearns (Tasting Menu)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster – Episode 278: John Kearns (Tasting Menu)

Episode Overview

In Episode 278 of "Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster," released on February 12, 2025, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome back comedian John Kearns for a special revisit to their whimsical "dream restaurant." This episode introduces a new format where returning guests experience a tasting menu curated from a previous guest's favorite dishes, offering fresh insights and nostalgic moments for both the hosts and the audience.

Guest Introduction: John Kearns

John Kearns, an acclaimed comedian known for his appearances on "Taskmaster" and his own Sky special "The Varnishing Days," joins Ed and James once more. The hosts express their admiration for John's comedic talents and delve into his background, creating an engaging and humorous atmosphere right from the start.

Ed Gamble (05:21): "John Kearns. Look, we know John Kearns. We love John Kearns. He's an amazing comedian."

Exploring the New Format: The Tasting Menu Switcheroo

Ed and James unveil the new "tasting menu" format, where John Kearns is served Miriam Margulies's dream menu instead of his own. This playful switcheroo aims to provide a fresh experience by having guests try meals curated by other podcast personalities.

Ed Gamble (04:24): "We decided that we're going to bring people back, but instead of just asking the same questions again, they're going to have a meal. Tasting menu style."

John expresses both excitement and apprehension about the unexpected dishes, setting the stage for a lively and spontaneous culinary adventure.

The Dream Menu Experience

Throughout the episode, John navigates Miriam Margulies's unique menu, which includes unconventional dishes like chopped liver with IKEA's round crisp bread and Mummy's Fried Place featuring olive oil and matzo meal. The conversation is peppered with light-hearted banter, detailed descriptions of the food, and humorous reflections on culinary preferences.

John Kearns (46:04): "Put it in a jam jar. Shake up."

As they progress through the courses, John shares anecdotes about his childhood, his son's imaginative "cafe" play, and his experiences with different cuisines. The hosts skillfully blend humor with genuine conversation, making the episode both entertaining and insightful.

Notable Anecdotes and Insights

1. John's Childhood and Playtime Cafe

   John reminisces about creating a pretend cafe with his three-year-old son, highlighting the humorous yet chaotic nature of childhood imagination.

   John Kearns (24:17): "He runs the cafe, yeah. I did message James. There was one day, he goes, right."

2. Culinary Mishaps and Preferences

   The discussion delves into John's least favorite dishes and his candid opinions on various foods, including his humorous take on liver and his disdain for iced coffee despite his appearance ordering one.

   John Kearns (47:31): "I ordered awful. But I like the liver bit. I remember that."

3. Encounter with Sam Campbell

   John recounts a memorable interaction with fellow comedian Sam Campbell at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, emphasizing the playful yet confrontational nature of their relationship.

   John Kearns (63:12): "He's a wind up merchant."

Humorous Interludes and Host Banter

Ed and James maintain a light-hearted tone throughout, often interjecting with jokes and playful critiques of the menu. Their chemistry with John ensures a dynamic and engaging conversation, filled with laughter and spontaneous humor.

James Acaster (73:01): "He's always got to be joking."

Concluding the Meal: Reflections and Final Thoughts

As the tasting menu concludes, John expresses his satisfaction despite the unconventional dishes, and the hosts reflect on the success of the new format. They hint at the potential for future episodes using this innovative approach, inviting listeners to anticipate more delightful culinary adventures.

John Kearns (91:18): "I'm happy and I'm gonna bring people back."

Key Quotes

• John Kearns (05:14): "You won't eat those shoes where you're going, guys."
• Ed Gamble (31:03): "This is how all the best format points on the podcast have come about, though."
• John Kearns (57:52): "Your Honor. Members of the jury, Gorilla James Ed."

Conclusion

Episode 278 of "Off Menu" successfully blends humor, personal anecdotes, and innovative podcasting formats, offering listeners a memorable experience with John Kearns. The introduction of the tasting menu switcheroo not only revitalizes the show's structure but also deepens the connection between the hosts and their guests, promising exciting developments in future episodes.

---

Note: Timestamps are referenced in MM:SS format to correspond with the transcript provided.

Transcript

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[John Kearns]

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[Flight Announcement]

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[John Kearns]

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[John Kearns]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[John Kearns]

These are my future expenses?

[Flight Announcement]

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[John Kearns]

You will?

[Ed Gamble]

For what?

[John Kearns]

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[Flight Announcement]

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[John Kearns]

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[Ed Gamble]

The delivery driver?

[John Kearns]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[John Kearns]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Flight Announcement]

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[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

[Flight Announcement]

Or is it, James that now some listeners already will have like they'll be walking along, listen to us on their headphones and they've already stumbled and tripped up because they're like, hold on a second.

[Ed Gamble]

Why isn't Ed doing one of his brilliant, well thought through introductions?

[Flight Announcement]

Where's the brilliant, well thought through introduction now? The reason is, is because, listen, we got loads of formats knocking around in our heads.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh boy. We're format machines.

[Flight Announcement]

And often we thought, how would we be able to get some fan favorites back on the podcast so they can, you know, so they can experience it all again and learn more about these wonderful guests that have just been on it once. Isn't it unfair.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Flight Announcement]

That because of our format, we only give everyone one dream meal. Well, we've decided that we're going to bring people back, but instead of just asking the same questions again, they're going to have a meal. Tasting menu style.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, tasting menu style. But they'll be eating the dream meal of another previous guest.

[Flight Announcement]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

We're not quite sure what we're calling this format yet. Off menu switcheroo. Yeah, off menu jumbled up.

[Flight Announcement]

You know, like when you're a kid, you got, you both got your pat lunches and you trade. But I don't know what that's called.

[Ed Gamble]

Off menu. You know when you're a kid and you've got your pack lunches and you trade.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, could be called that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

But either way, that's what we're doing and you can't stop us.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, we're doing it. So this is the first one we've recorded of these. I'd imagine what will happen is they'll be released sporadically.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

As you know, they're not going to be every week because we've still got the main podcast. There's still plenty of people we want to talk to.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, we're spoiled for choice.

[Ed Gamble]

We're spoiled for Choice. So these will just drop in now and again, a little treat into your podcast app.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And we are very excited to have a returning guest. Of course.

[Flight Announcement]

A returning guest. Everyone loved his first episode and now he returns. It's John Kearns.

[Ed Gamble]

John Kearns. Look, we know John Kearns. We love John Kearns. He's an amazing comedian. He's done taskmaster, he's done plenty of other things. He has got a special available on sky called the Varnishing Days. So make sure you go and watch that.

[Flight Announcement]

What an amazing show.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Fantastic. Flawless.

[Ed Gamble]

Flawless. But that does not mean we respect John. And I'm sure we will bully him.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, we're definitely gonna bully him. And we're gonna be feeding John the menu of Miriam Margulies.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. John will be receiving the menu of Miriam.

[Flight Announcement]

Yes. I just like the thought of them together even though she's not gonna be there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. And it'll be interesting to hear John's reaction to her menu.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, this is. This is not so much the dream restaurant as they're going to an actual restaurant.

[Flight Announcement]

They're still having a dream meal, but it's not. It's someone else's dream.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not their dream.

[Flight Announcement]

It's so, you know, that's what a tasting menu is, essentially.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

It's someone else's idea of a dream meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And you don't get a saying it and they're serving it to you.

[Ed Gamble]

And obviously, because of that. No secret ingredient. No, because it's all predetermined.

[Flight Announcement]

It was originally a stick of rock when Miriam came on it. That was the secret ingredient. If she mentioned rock. Yeah, I guess. If John says, this is all delicious, do you mind if I add a stick of rock to it? Then we will chuck him out. I can't foresee that happening, but can't see that. You have my word, listeners, we will do it if he says that.

[Ed Gamble]

But of all the people we thought of to do the first little go of this type of format, Jon was top of our list.

[Flight Announcement]

He's a good sport.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a good sport. So how are we going to even introduce this bit? James, this is all very exciting, isn't it?

[Flight Announcement]

Yes. This is not the off menu menu of John Kearns.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome, John, back to the dream restaurant.

[John Kearns]

Thanks for having me back.

[Flight Announcement]

Hello again, John.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that the new catchphrase, is it?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, it had to be. I thought, as I was about to do it, yeah. Oh, I haven't settled on anything here. Like, you know, normally. I know what I'm saying. Well, burst out the lamp, but I guess for these ones it's going to be hello again. And then their name.

[John Kearns]

Hello. Hello.

[Flight Announcement]

On first name terms as well. The first. Yeah, originally, when they're on it for the first time, I say their full name. Welcome John Kearns, the dream restaurant. He's been here for some time, but, like, now it's, hello again, John.

[Ed Gamble]

Hello again, John.

[John Kearns]

So when I left you, you. You went back in the lamp.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I hate to break it to you, he has popped out the lamp for some other people since, you know, you weren't the only ever episode of Off Menu. Right?

[John Kearns]

Well, it's the one I've heard.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you listen back?

[John Kearns]

No.

[Flight Announcement]

That should be the question we ask every guest who comes, like, on. Did you listen back to it?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know what order this is going out in or when it's going to go out, but, I mean, it should be fairly obvious now. This is our first time attempting the new format.

[John Kearns]

Who listens back?

[Flight Announcement]

Sorry?

[John Kearns]

Who listens back?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, James doesn't, I'll tell you that much.

[John Kearns]

Imagine you're on the train, right?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And someone spots one of you two and they look at your phone and you're listening to Off Menu.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the nightmare. Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Imagine.

[John Kearns]

Do you listen back?

[Ed Gamble]

If it's been like a year since we recorded it and I really enjoyed it, I'll listen back. Yeah. But I'll do it in the privacy of my own home, locked in my toilet so my wife can't see.

[John Kearns]

But she can hear. Oh, you got headphones on?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I got headphones, man. We're doing a lot. We're doing all right now.

[Flight Announcement]

I'm cutting out the speakers in the toilet.

[John Kearns]

Do you not have headphones? You could have the door open if you had it on speakers.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[John Kearns]

She'd still know what was going on in there.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. Come on, John, get real.

[John Kearns]

I didn't grow up with any locks on the bathrooms or toilets in my house.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[John Kearns]

Really? Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Why? None of them work? Or was it just they were removed and your parents were like, no locks at all, but. So how did you.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Did your feet at the door. Base of the door.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, hang on. So you'd still have the door shut? You'd be putting your feet in the door?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, the door's shut.

[Ed Gamble]

But I thought you were saying you grew up in, like, a very free household.

[John Kearns]

Oh, no, I'm just saying there's no locks in case you just.

[Flight Announcement]

But why were you.

[John Kearns]

I don't think there are any locks in any door. Yeah, Front, back.

[Flight Announcement]

Front door, back door? Yeah. Locks?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Windows?

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Windows are locked.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, you had windows.

[Flight Announcement]

Anything external, but like, inside the house, no locks. But then why were you having to push your foot? I mean, surely everyone in the house knows.

[John Kearns]

Well, you don't know. You don't know if someone's in there, though. Yes.

[Flight Announcement]

So you knocked. Yeah, I would get pretty accustomed to knocking and not just opening any closed door where someone could be having a. Knowing that there's only one door where that's happening.

[John Kearns]

It's not any closed door.

[Flight Announcement]

So what are you in your bedroom? Do you have your feet on the door, keeping it shut?

[Ed Gamble]

Were they all built so you could. Small enough to put your feet on the door?

[John Kearns]

The toilet? Yeah. Yeah, you can put your feet on the door.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Like main bathroom.

[John Kearns]

No, you're kind of just staring at it open for the best, but you are standing.

[Flight Announcement]

So if they do come in, you're looking right at them.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, it was small enough where, you know, if someone had come in.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Can't think of a room where you wouldn't know someone had walked in.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you ever do sock on the door handle?

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Sock on the door handle. Let him figure out sock on the door handle. Right. I'm just picturing like a video game, me walking up the door with a sock on the door. Right. Yeah. I think I know what's going on in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I'm not walking in. No.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. If you see a sock on the door handle.

[John Kearns]

Is there only one person in there?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, yeah, I guess so. Talking about your bathroom in your childhood home. I'm not saying if you saw a sock on the door handle, you'd be like, oh, my parents are banging.

[Flight Announcement]

Gee, that's what it used to be. I think people put a sock on the handle of the, you know, bedroom door or whatever means they're getting down.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, well, you're telling your parents that, huh?

[Flight Announcement]

What do you mean?

[John Kearns]

Is that a symbol for your parents?

[Flight Announcement]

I don't think people, like, do it when they're living at home.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

So their parents know not to commit. I mean, maybe some people have that.

[John Kearns]

This isn't the thing.

[Flight Announcement]

What?

[John Kearns]

This isn't a thing. This is in movies. Neither of you have done it? I haven't done it. I don't know anyone who's put.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I. I understand.

[John Kearns]

So I don't have many. There weren't many. There weren't many doorknobs in the house.

[Ed Gamble]

No doorknobs or locks.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. What's going on?

[John Kearns]

A door, a flat door. You know, you don't put a doorknob on every door.

[Ed Gamble]

I think you do well in a house.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. You're working in a.

[Ed Gamble]

How are you even shutting the door? Is there. No. No latch on it at all. It's just a bit of wood.

[John Kearns]

I mean, bringing it back. I knew you were going to say a bit. It's a bit of wood. You think? I bet you're either gonna work, you two are gonna say it's like cat flaps or saloon doors. James would probably say saloon doors.

[Flight Announcement]

No, I wasn't gonna say in your.

[Ed Gamble]

House with no locks. Saloon doors for the bathroom would be perfect.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You'd see my feet and my head. That's fine. You don't know what's going on in the middle.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Saloon doors. You don't know what's going on in the middle.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, you can let them do that.

[John Kearns]

Salute doors and toilets is fine.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. You'd be fine with that.

[John Kearns]

In. In Japan, they don't have. The idea was that they'd build the toilet with the most beautiful view from the house and there were no doors.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's your second time on the off menu podcast and the second time you started a sentence with in Japan.

[John Kearns]

What do you mean? Oh, what, ghosts?

[Flight Announcement]

You wouldn't know. You didn't listen back.

[John Kearns]

Ghosts don't have feet in Japan.

[Flight Announcement]

Is that what we talked about?

[Ed Gamble]

We talked about low light, I believe.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Ghosts don't have feet.

[John Kearns]

Japanese cartoons.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[John Kearns]

Ghosts don't have feet. Traditionally. That's.

[Flight Announcement]

What. What do you mean by that?

[John Kearns]

Because, like, if you draw a ghost, I doubt it has feet.

[Flight Announcement]

Right. Yeah, but that's not just Japanese ghosts.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's why they have saloon doors and toilets. Is that what you're saying?

[John Kearns]

There's no saloon doors in Japanese toilets.

[Ed Gamble]

But is the ghost thing anything to do with the.

[Flight Announcement]

No, that. That's because we challenge three things.

[John Kearns]

I know three things about Japanese culture.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Oh, low lights in restaurants. Japanese ghosts don't have feet. And traditionally, toilets were built with no doors facing the most beautiful view that they could get in the house.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Flight Announcement]

So when we bring guests back on the off menu podcast, John, what we want to do is a tasting menu for them.

[John Kearns]

Right. So. So it's one of these restaurants where there's no menu.

[Flight Announcement]

You don't have a choice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

There's a Menu, but you don't choose from it. It's a set menu.

[John Kearns]

So there is a menu?

[Flight Announcement]

Yes, set menu. So tasting menu?

[John Kearns]

Well, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

What do you mean you don't need a menu? You got a problem with this already?

[John Kearns]

I'm just saying you don't need a menu. Do you just sit there and it's brought to you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Like Michelin is a guy in North Wales. You must know this guy in North Wales, Gareth Ward, Is it him?

[Ed Gamble]

In a sheer three stars? Yep. Two.

[John Kearns]

Two.

[Flight Announcement]

Well then, are you talking about the same person then at this point? Because, like Gary, is it?

[Ed Gamble]

Gareth?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. So different name?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've never been. I'm going in September.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I, I, you know that guy, you know the guy on the social media who's got like, I'm talking to a granddad. If you can't take a mate, take a date the other way around. I don't know, whatever he is, he went there. You know this guy?

[Flight Announcement]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Tell me about this guy, John.

[John Kearns]

He's. Oh, no, he goes, right, you must.

[Flight Announcement]

Know the guy, John. You've got to give us details about it before we say if we know him or not.

[John Kearns]

He goes and reviews food and it's.

[Ed Gamble]

The guy who takes the table and sits outside.

[Flight Announcement]

Again, different person.

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[Flight Announcement]

The guy walks around with a table and sits outside restaurants.

[Ed Gamble]

Sits outside takeaways.

[Flight Announcement]

That's cool.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. He's from Bolton.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, I like him.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, he's quite funny, actually. This guy is quite young. He's hip. Well, if you've not heard of him, then what's the point?

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you can tell us about him.

[John Kearns]

Wait, come on.

[Flight Announcement]

I thought that was the point.

[John Kearns]

Did you?

[Ed Gamble]

The conversation in your mind was going, do you know this guy? We go, yes. And then we'd move on. Right, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Just saying. The guy, he goes around the posh restaurants and he goes, well, he goes anywhere, doesn't have anything posh and he just raves about it. And his catchphrase at the end of it is, if you can't take a date, take a mate. And he went to the restaurant in North Wales that is two star Michelin and it was a tasting menu. Yeah, A bit like where I am now.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. So this is what you mean. So that's what that prompted. Okay, so like. But I think they still have menus in those places.

[John Kearns]

Right. I didn't know that.

[Flight Announcement]

Because you can look at them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They might go see until the end sometimes.

[John Kearns]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

So you can see what you've had.

[John Kearns]

Oh, I like that.

[Ed Gamble]

You take it home.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Frame it maybe.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, Some people do that. If it's a great.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the chef to sign it, maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Nice. Nice. Also bad. You know how much something is?

[Flight Announcement]

Well, I guess it's like when you book it, it's like a set price.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And also that they will say sometimes, like, we do, like a six course, an eight course, a 12 course. This is how much they all are. This is how much the wine pairing is. We should ask that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So you. You gotta know you like it before you're going.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I guess that goes. Goes for all restaurants. Right?

[John Kearns]

Are you proud of yourself? You feel good about that?

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[John Kearns]

You must feel good about saying that to me. You must feel happy.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel neutral.

[John Kearns]

You must feel like.

[Flight Announcement]

Because he obliterated.

[John Kearns]

Feel like you got me.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I definitely got you there.

[John Kearns]

Oh, no, I'm not denying you're scorched earth, mate. But I'm scorched earth.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Shoes. It's just my shoes. I'm like, the witch wizard was just gone. Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

You won't eat those shoes where you're going, guys.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, no, I'm happy for you. Can be a clip, maybe. I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you're English, though. Because you're English.

[Flight Announcement]

Could be a clip.

[Ed Gamble]

Will you have legs when you're a ghost, though?

[John Kearns]

Well, when you picture, like, Henry VIII as a ghost, he's got feet, so. Yeah, probably.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I don't know if I visit Japan as it goes. Maybe they're off. I don't know how it works.

[Flight Announcement]

Border control take them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Customs.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. It's like a bowling alley.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't have to take your shoes off when you go through security, at least.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Flight Announcement]

Makes it easier.

[John Kearns]

That's nice. Let's do it. That's like. I don't know. I'm on the ropes early.

[Flight Announcement]

He started on the ropes. Let's face it.

[Ed Gamble]

Ever since you were born.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, you're always on the ropes, John.

[John Kearns]

You can't come out swinging.

[Flight Announcement]

No. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

It's quite fun to be on the ropes.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Because then the person gets cocky.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You start on the ropes.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you rope a doping me? Is that what's happening?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. The tasting menu that we're going to be serving you today is the menu of another guest who came onto the podcast.

[John Kearns]

I wondered whether you were going to do this. Yeah, I wondered whether. You tell me or if I had to guess. Is that a thing?

[Flight Announcement]

Well, I'll Tell you what, do you want to just guess now?

[Ed Gamble]

The worst option out of both of them.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Actually, you've added a third one. That's rubbish.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

John Ainsley, Harriet.

[Flight Announcement]

No. Two more guesses.

[John Kearns]

Rylan.

[Flight Announcement]

No, these are good guesses, though.

[Ed Gamble]

They've all been guests so far.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Shows it. Maybe if someone does listen back more than they say.

[John Kearns]

I mean, I'm. What am I thinking? I'm just thinking. I'm not. What am I basing it on?

[Flight Announcement]

Whose dinner would we most like to serve to you and think that that would be entertaining?

[John Kearns]

Manya Chihuahua.

[Flight Announcement]

No, but that's. That would have been good. We should have done.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Because he knows Manya. Yeah, yeah. That would have been good. Too late to switch it to Munya? Probably.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Myriad Margulies.

[John Kearns]

Okay.

[Flight Announcement]

Are you familiar with the work of Miriam Margulies?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Thoughts?

[John Kearns]

I liked recently. Did you see she was on Romish's show on radio, too?

[Ed Gamble]

No, did you see? Oh, I did see that, actually. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Did you see that?

[Flight Announcement]

No. Go on, tell me about it.

[John Kearns]

He just told her he was a comedian.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And she stops him and she's like, are you. Did you see it?

[Flight Announcement]

No.

[John Kearns]

And he's like, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

She's gobsmacked.

[John Kearns]

She just can't believe he's a comedian. And she's staring at him like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Rubbish is pretty famous for being a comedian.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. That's why he's on the radio.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I don't know who she thinks.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I saw a clip with her on Loose Women. She lives with. She's got flatmates, just with two.

[Ed Gamble]

She's got a lodger.

[John Kearns]

She's got lodges.

[Flight Announcement]

When she was on this also when she was on Loose Women. So I saw that episode Loose. Well, I think she's on it quite a bit.

[John Kearns]

Oh, is she?

[Flight Announcement]

But I saw an episode of Loose Women where she starts off by eating a raw onion because they've asked her to do it because they heard in another interview she had done, not naming the interview that she eats raw onion. That's us.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

This has started to happen, John.

[Ed Gamble]

The amount of content we've provided for light entertainment ITV shows without being credited.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. They just go, okay, I'm off menu. They said this. Let's get them to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

They made Timothy two bad cup of tea on this morning.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Someone in the ITV offices listen to this podcast on the regular and writes down ideas and they chuck them in their shows.

[Ed Gamble]

You better believe Good Morning Britain are doing a thing about Japanese ghosts. Having no feet next week.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. You watch it. They're going to absolutely eviscerate.

[John Kearns]

Am I on Good Morning Britain or they just. What, they. They pluck ideas.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, they'll say that, though. Now we've heard. I don't watch Good Morning Britain, but maybe they get people to text in about it. What are your opinion on this? Japanese feet have no ghosts.

[Ed Gamble]

Japanese feet have no ghosts. So is that technically true? It's a weird way around saying it.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Well, I like her. I like her vibe. You know, growing up, she was. Well, she's interested. Like, she was the, you know, Graham Norton. She's the crazy one. Graham sits her next to an A lister.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And the A lister doesn't know who she is. And they cannot believe the filth. Like, she jumps out of a tree and gives someone a blowjob. That's like a staple. I don't remember the tree.

[Flight Announcement]

She talked about blowjobs on this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And then when we ran with that, which we try and do, John, when we're interviewing someone, well, you go. We try and be like, okay, they're. They're going down this road. We'll go down with them for the. Yeah. We're trying to be good hosts. So we tried to make blowjob jokes off the back of that. And she was like, now watch it. That's rude.

[Ed Gamble]

Filthy.

[John Kearns]

Did she?

[Flight Announcement]

You boys are filthy.

[John Kearns]

Did she?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, you boys are filthy. We're not here for filth. And we'd go, okay. And then we'd stop and then she'd do another joke. That's even worse.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Even more great about being up the ass or something.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

She played you like a violin.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, she absolutely played us.

[John Kearns]

That's what she does.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So the idea that she shot. I've never seen her shot it down.

[Flight Announcement]

But she's a contrarian as well, so it's like she did it, but she doesn't want to. She wants to be the odd one out. She wants to be the crazy person next to the A lister. She doesn't want to be.

[John Kearns]

So when she's on her own, I.

[Flight Announcement]

Think if everyone else on Graham Norton.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Went, yeah, yeah, I'm going to jump out of a tree and give people a blowjob. She would be like, no, that's just rude.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Now, come on, everybody. It's not. We're all better than this. And they'd be like, oh, okay, I guess we're not going to do that. I feel. What was I thinking? I can't believe I even Said that.

[John Kearns]

I can't believe. Yeah, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And then as soon as she's got.

[John Kearns]

Everyone back, what, she then tells the same story? Like it happened to her.

[Flight Announcement]

No, no, no, she wouldn't steal it. But like, if. If she went on Norton and she was like jumping out of a tree and giving blowjobs or whatever you said.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm not sure. The jumping out of the tree.

[Flight Announcement]

She definitely spoke about the BJ's on this podcast. So I believe that she would have bought that.

[John Kearns]

It's her raison d'etre.

[Flight Announcement]

And if she said that on Norton and then John Cena or someone went, yeah, yeah, and then I grabbed their dick. And then she'd be like, no, you do not, John. This is a chat show on the BBC. Can you please act like that? And he'd be like, I'm so sorry. She'd be like, yeah. And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get up the bum.

[John Kearns]

My son's a bit like that. If you're playing cafe with him, your.

[Ed Gamble]

Son, what will he say when you're playing cafe?

[Flight Announcement]

Absolutely awful segue, John. Think.

[John Kearns]

I think it through the contrary, John. I'm thinking nothing. The contrarian thing.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

If you like, kids will be having fun with you. Right, so say you're in his cafe and he's going, you know, we've got six ice creams.

[Flight Announcement]

Now you're saying this, obviously. I know about your son's cafe. You've told me about it. The listeners don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I think we need to hear about your son.

[Flight Announcement]

So when you. When you're talking about your son's cafe.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're basically on off menu every day of your life. Really?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. How old's your son?

[John Kearns]

3.

[Flight Announcement]

And he likes to play cafe beer.

[John Kearns]

That's his life. Yeah, yeah, that's his life.

[Ed Gamble]

This is raison d'etre.

[Flight Announcement]

That's one of the dishes.

[Ed Gamble]

So he's running. Is he running the cafe?

[John Kearns]

He runs the cafe, yeah. I did message James. There was one day, he goes, right.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, so is your son as world weary as you already know? Right?

[John Kearns]

He's like. He's like, right, cafe. So you sit there, he's like, okay.

[Flight Announcement]

Another day at work.

[John Kearns]

If you don't like it, cafe gives you a plate empty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

If you don't like it, that's fine. You just spit it into my mouth. That's his cafe. That's the rule of the cafe.

[Flight Announcement]

The way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to You. If you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth. Which I find if you don't like the food I serve.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

A really funny phrase could be chuck it in there. If you don't like the food I serve, you can send it back. Really aggressive, but still making himself the quite subservient at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

We're getting the food spat back in his mouth, so it's like he's in charge. But at the same time, have you.

[Ed Gamble]

Ever mimed spitting the food into his mouth?

[John Kearns]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

No, because you always like the food.

[John Kearns]

Well, I mean, the thing is, like, if you go to a restaurant, if a waiter has to do that, the waiter's going, should really. You should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

So is he not the chef as well?

[John Kearns]

He is. He's everything.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, he's the proprietor.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. He runs the place.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So, yeah. In. In that respect.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he tell you what. Does he tell you what he's serving you?

[John Kearns]

Well, he's never got what you want. He says, no, but it's usually ice cream. And he goes, what do you want? Strawberry, chocolate or yellow?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

And you go, yeah, I'll have some chocolate, please. He goes, we've run out. So you go, oh, that's a shame. He's just offered it.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So then you go, well, okay, I guess. Have some strawberry. We've run out. Strawberry. We're closed. That's, that's, that's, that is how it happens.

[Flight Announcement]

Do you think that's funny?

[John Kearns]

No, because. No, no, you can't laugh.

[Flight Announcement]

But is he laughing?

[John Kearns]

No, he's serious. He's like, what we got to do? We're closed. So then you go, oh, but I've got to come back. He's like, yeah. So then you walk out the room and then just as you're about to walk out, he says, we're open.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Flight Announcement]

He's got to think this is funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You think he's. He's messing with me.

[Flight Announcement]

I think, I think he's got to know that that's funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Otherwise, do you get, like, mock annoyed about.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The weirdo.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you got, you gotta. You gotta go like, I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice cream.

[Ed Gamble]

He's loving it.

[John Kearns]

And it's closed.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And he's like, what you. You know, he's like, oh, you can't believe it. And I can't believe it. And then he's like, he looks at you. All right, I'll come back after work. Okay, then just as soon as you turn your back, we're open.

[Flight Announcement]

What's your job in this pretend play world? Because it can't. When you say, I'm going to come back after work.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Are you still a comedian in the pretend world? No. You got an office job.

[John Kearns]

What is the job? I stand in the garden. Is that a job?

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. So when the cafe's closed, you know.

[Flight Announcement]

The answer to that.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You go and stand in the garden. Yeah, but where's the cafe in terms of your house?

[John Kearns]

Living room.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, gotta be.

[Ed Gamble]

But you go outside and stand in the garden.

[John Kearns]

If he hasn't opened it before I leave.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, because you gotta keep walking normally. It gets you before, you know that.

[John Kearns]

Seated. Is it Goodfellas, where De Niro is looking at the. I can't remember the wife's name now, but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's going to be short.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. And he keeps telling her, yeah, just go down there. Go down that alley. Yeah. There's the dresses.

[John Kearns]

That's like my son. He just goes, kick.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, Keep going. But you're. You're like. You're gonna say, it's open before I got to the door. Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna be standing in that garden.

[John Kearns]

No. And then when I am in the garden, was he forgotten?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

How long am I gonna stand there?

[Flight Announcement]

Do you not pretend to be at work when you're in the garden doing your office job or whatever it is that you do in the pretend game?

[John Kearns]

There's a. There's a berry bush. There's like some black currant. I don't know what they are. Blackberries.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So I pick them.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, so he's picked the blackberries.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah. And he watches me do that.

[Flight Announcement]

He watches you do that for the. From the. He's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house. And you're in the garden picking blackberries because he told you that they've sold out of ice cream and they're closed now.

[John Kearns]

It sounds quite idyllic. Sounds quite. Not a nice way to spend the day.

[Ed Gamble]

It does, actually.

[John Kearns]

Well, actually, it's a tough way to spend a day.

[Flight Announcement]

I think it was.

[John Kearns]

Because he's got wooden. This is the thing. This is the thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

He does have wooden toys of ice cream. It's not like they're imaginary. You can see it.

[Ed Gamble]

So he says it's sold out. And you can see.

[John Kearns]

Sold out. Don't have any. And they're there. And also, kids love, like, if he loves chocolate ice cream.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

As the owner, he can't sell it to you because he likes it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

He wants it for himself.

[Ed Gamble]

So what's his least favorite?

[John Kearns]

Oh, you go, yeah. He gives you his least favorite. So you go, oh, fantastic. You've got chocolate, strawberry, yellow and whatever the green one is. Right. So you go there, Yeah, I love chocolate.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And he goes, yeah, you could have that one, though. It's like, well, I don't want the grill. How about the strawberry? Yeah, but you have that one. You have this green thing.

[Flight Announcement]

So this is like what we're doing.

[John Kearns]

Of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop. Oh, a bookshop.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I like that book. That's for me. Well, I want it. Well, no, I like that book. So, you know, when are you going.

[Ed Gamble]

To try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad, bad cafe owner?

[John Kearns]

When he has to. When he understands business rates, you know, paying tax, an electricity bill for the free. All that kind of stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Well, she knows life, so.

[Flight Announcement]

Welcome to the dream restaurant. We have a wonderful tasting menu planned for you today.

[John Kearns]

Brilliant.

[Flight Announcement]

Would you like the wine pairing?

[John Kearns]

Yes, please. Thank you.

[Flight Announcement]

So that means Ed is gonna, throughout the meal, pair wine with what you're.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it does mean that, James, because I'm not improvising wines.

[Flight Announcement]

You're good at wine, you know your stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

But I'm. I just don't think that would be entertaining, me improvising a wine menu.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, we can edit it out if it isn't, but I reckon it will be.

[John Kearns]

Edit out every wine pair.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll keep this bit, but we'll edit out Ed well, so people will know it didn't work.

[Ed Gamble]

This will be quicker. We'll leave this bit in and then. I won't do it.

[Flight Announcement]

No, no.

[Ed Gamble]

You can just let everyone assume it had been edited out.

[Flight Announcement]

I believe in you more than you do. I think you should do a wine paint. I. I think you know your stuff. Every time wine gets brought up on the podcast, Ed knows what wine they're talking about. He knows what it tastes like. He vibes with him on it.

[John Kearns]

I'm going to speak for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[John Kearns]

I think if I was you, I just want warning.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Because if you know your stuff. Yeah, I know he knows his stuff, but I imagine he would have liked maybe 20 minutes to think about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Maybe a day or so.

[John Kearns]

But you don't. You're just going to throw him.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, I didn't think of it a day ago.

[John Kearns]

Right.

[Flight Announcement]

I thought of it while we were talking.

[Ed Gamble]

This is how all the best format points on the podcast have come about, though.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So you just got off on the hoof. You gotta come up with some wine.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. Or any drink, I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

Or any drink.

[John Kearns]

Did Miriam not have. She hasn't included wine.

[Flight Announcement]

She didn't do a wine pairing? No. She's got a dream drink, which we'll come to later.

[John Kearns]

I'll just have that with every course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, no, good luck.

[Flight Announcement]

You got a wine pairing, you said yesterday.

[John Kearns]

All right, well, you want a wine pairing. It's nice to be here. Yeah. Did she talk about what the restaurant looked like? Any ambiance?

[Flight Announcement]

She didn't. But, like, if you want to say what you think Miriam Margulies's restaurant looks like, if you look around, this is Miriam Margaret's dream restaurant. What does it look like to you?

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of trees.

[Flight Announcement]

A lot of trees.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. What's that? Cafe in Rainforest Cafe.

[Flight Announcement]

Cafe. But I mean, that gorilla. You're not trusting that gorilla. That's been rigged up to do some pretty sus. Things mechanically.

[Ed Gamble]

Every hour. Every hour, on the hour, the gorilla jumps down, sucks someone off.

[Flight Announcement]

Could jump down from anywhere as well.

[John Kearns]

Oh, you don't know where he is?

[Flight Announcement]

No, they've got it. I got it rigged up. It's all random. Who knows what seat it is? It's not like if you're sitting in that seat. Oh, no, could be anyone.

[John Kearns]

You got to be able to book the seat. You don't tell your mate. Yeah, I've heard it's good, man. Yeah. You don't get a menu. What the hell's that? Yeah, sit there.

[Ed Gamble]

Just sit. Sit right there, man.

[John Kearns]

Did you see something? Nah. Just say, just stay. Stay still for it. Just for a second. Why'd you keep looking up?

[Flight Announcement]

Just.

[John Kearns]

Just stay still for. Just. Just stay still for a. Just a second more.

[Flight Announcement]

Bang.

[John Kearns]

Down he comes. Oh, imagine taking someone who didn't know. Is someone in the gorilla suit.

[Flight Announcement]

No, it's mechanical. Like in Rainforest Cafe. If you go to Rainforest Cafe, they've got a mechanical gorilla there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Whose head's going left and right and whatever.

[Ed Gamble]

That's more dangerous in a way, isn't it?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, you wouldn't want that.

[John Kearns]

Left and right.

[Flight Announcement]

You wouldn't want that.

[Ed Gamble]

Can't go up and down.

[Flight Announcement]

Back and forth, surely. Forward and backwards. Yeah. Not up and down.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it comes down depending on angle.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Yeah, he comes down fair play with the gorilla.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, he tried his best.

[Flight Announcement]

Did he, Joe? What? It's his job.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. In the 90s, I just turned left and right. People love that. Now I got to do this. Kids listen to this, don't they?

[Flight Announcement]

Last time you were on it, John, we talked about putting our dick and balls for a bread basket. And people. I wouldn't worry. Anyone who was a fan of that episode isn't gonna be disappointed by a mechanical gorilla blow.

[John Kearns]

So, yeah, yeah. Miriam, Muglies is a. Yeah, rainforest. Nice. Happy, Happy to be here. Fun, fun.

[Flight Announcement]

Looks nice. I'm just gonna put some water on the table for you first. Some still water with cucumber or lemon is what was specified by Miriam. That means you've got a choice there.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you fan of the cucumber water?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, it's nice. Feels posh. In my mind. It's like in a big. It's kind of something like your mum did in the summer, like a big plastic kind of jug. There's a lot of water there. There's a lot of water.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You can't have a little thimble of water with a cucumber in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's got to be more water than cucumber, hasn't it? Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

I mean, cucumber is water.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's not exactly the same because then why would you put it in water?

[John Kearns]

I do know that, Ed. Well, I do know that, Ed.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, but you said.

[John Kearns]

No, but he's saying to me, I. I know cucumber isn't water.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. Well, let's rewind to what you just said. Cucumber is water.

[Flight Announcement]

Imagine if, like, John was ever on trial for something or like even a witness in a truck. You would be absolutely ripped apart on the stand.

[John Kearns]

They would make mincemeat when Baldricks Blackout is on trial.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And for killing the pigeon. And then the witness is brought in, Baldrick walks out, and Blackadder goes, I'm dead. Whoever I was help. Whoever I was going to help out.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

They'd be like, well, might as well say I'm guilty. Yeah, might get a few years off.

[Flight Announcement]

Absolutely.

[John Kearns]

Character witness. I'll be a good character witness for someone, but when it comes to facts, I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know if you would be.

[John Kearns]

Man, if you're ever in trouble.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, so let's say Ed's in trouble, right? And you're bought out as a character witness.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Mr. Kearns, how long have you known Mr. Gamble for?

[John Kearns]

Decade.

[Flight Announcement]

And good start.

[Ed Gamble]

Really angrily saying decade.

[Flight Announcement]

The stenographer. Just write in that. Yeah, one word answer.

[Ed Gamble]

Decade.

[John Kearns]

They're happy. Yeah, they got right. Usually right. Loads.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, they're happy. They've got this guy.

[John Kearns]

Brilliant. I hope this guy carries on like this.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, no, you're in trouble.

[Flight Announcement]

And what is your experience with Mr. Gamble, Ben? What? Can you speak. Can you speak to his character?

[John Kearns]

Handsome man.

[Flight Announcement]

Not. Not a personality trait.

[Ed Gamble]

Thanks though.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, it's nice. Ed's feeling better in court.

[John Kearns]

Went to school in Wimbledon.

[Flight Announcement]

Hell, it's Wikipedia.

[John Kearns]

At university, I remember watching him, watching a clip of him doing a student stand up heat and thinking, oh, my God, this guy's phenomenal. Yeah, he does podcasts.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, hell, John, he's going to prison, man.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm being led away while you're still in the stand.

[Flight Announcement]

You're avoiding saying he's a. He's a good guy.

[John Kearns]

What do you want me to say, your honor?

[Flight Announcement]

Well, that was the judge examiner cross examining you. Not being cross examined by the judge, are you?

[Ed Gamble]

So you've just spun around, screamed at the judge for no reason or you're calling the lawyer.

[Flight Announcement]

Your honor. Which is. Which is also wrong. If you start saying that to the lawyer, going, what do you want me to say, your honor? Everyone's gonna be like, this guy's, he's a full. They're asking you to speak to this guy's cat. You're a character witness. So you can't just say, well, he grew up in Wimbledon. He's handsome.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

I saw a clip of him doing comedy once and I thought he was good.

[John Kearns]

Yes.

[Flight Announcement]

Stand by it.

[John Kearns]

Stand by.

[Flight Announcement]

But all of it is you avoiding speaking about if Ed's a good guy or not.

[Ed Gamble]

All my character witnesses are going to be character comics.

[Flight Announcement]

You're there with the wig of the teeth on the stand, called in the lawyers, your honor.

[John Kearns]

Decade. Well, he's a great guy. I mean, how do you define a great guy? A great guy hasn't done anything wrong. You know, if there's someone here, if this, if there's someone who's done something wrong, then that would be the first thing I'd say. But the fact that you haven't done anything wrong in my mind means that you're a great guy.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, but you didn't say. I mean, yeah, you didn't say that. You just said some facts about him which can't be said.

[Ed Gamble]

You know me for a decade and I went to school in Wimbledon.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

What's the stand up clip of him? And it was Good. You thought it was phenomenal.

[John Kearns]

I grew up in south London. Your honor, my lords.

[Flight Announcement]

Yep.

[John Kearns]

People of the jury, He's a south London boy.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, fuck it. Hell, straight to prison.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah. I. I would trust him with my son.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good. And you shouldn't, because I will flip out if that chocolate ice cream is not served to me immediately.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, that's true.

[John Kearns]

And I've met his partner, his wife. I don't know. They seem pretty cool.

[Flight Announcement]

No, I think it'd be the first trial where the defendant.

[John Kearns]

I go to prison.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, yeah, I think this is the defendant and the character witness.

[John Kearns]

They do a swap, do.

[Flight Announcement]

No, they both. You both go in.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we're both.

[Flight Announcement]

I mean, they just chuck you in the cell with him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

They'll be like, the defendant's going in and chucking that character witness as well, because clearly.

[John Kearns]

The fuck.

[Flight Announcement]

Something's wrong with him.

[John Kearns]

Something's wrong with me.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, he's clearly done something.

[John Kearns]

How would. How do you say someone is good character? Wouldn't. You got to give an example.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. I would say Ed's always there for you if you need him.

[John Kearns]

Well, he's not for me. He's not. Because our friendship isn't that deep.

[Flight Announcement]

You still understand.

[Ed Gamble]

You've never requested, though.

[John Kearns]

I've never reached out to Ed in a moment of crisis. Yeah, but, your honor, do you feel.

[Ed Gamble]

Like you could if you needed. So this is the sort of thing you should be saying?

[John Kearns]

I think if I had a moment of crisis. He's in the top.

[Ed Gamble]

No, don't do that.

[John Kearns]

Top 40 people I'm calling.

[Ed Gamble]

That's actually better than I thought. Yeah, that's not bad.

[Flight Announcement]

I don't think it's good enough for the. The jury, the courtroom.

[John Kearns]

Well, you make your own minds up.

[Flight Announcement]

Wow. If you say that. Understand. He's dead. I'm dead. He's getting fried. He's on the electric.

[Ed Gamble]

They're bringing back the death penalty.

[Flight Announcement]

That's it.

[John Kearns]

Well, just for that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

What you're saying to telling the jury. You make your own minds up.

[Flight Announcement]

If you. If you get. If you get a character witness and you sit down banging on about this. I know.

[John Kearns]

You know, I don't have any examples. I can only give example if someone was a bad person.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Then I'd go, yeah, I've got an example when they're bad. But a good guy. What the are you gonna say about a good guy?

[Flight Announcement]

You got examples of whether they're good.

[John Kearns]

The fact that I don't have anything about him is actually that there. Maybe there is something about him.

[Flight Announcement]

There you go.

[John Kearns]

He's walking the green squeaky clean. He's too squeaky clean.

[Flight Announcement]

Walking the Green Mile.

[Ed Gamble]

So, John, can you see why James said you'd fall apart in court?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Because this is a fake court.

[John Kearns]

Imagine him as a lawyer.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah? Yeah. Really?

[John Kearns]

Where are you fucking heading? Twirling round.

[Flight Announcement]

Twirling?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, twirl round.

[Ed Gamble]

You'd twirl around.

[John Kearns]

Imagine him as a judge, looking at you. Fuck me. Kangaroo court. Kangaroo court.

[Flight Announcement]

Now we have some heavy sourdough bread or brown bread. This is another one where.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

There was an ore in there.

[Ed Gamble]

You did a little sigh when you heard heavy sourdough.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. It seemed to be. That spoke to you.

[John Kearns]

There's a nice bakery near me. But you buy this sourdough unless. Unless you're. Unless you're eating a whole loaf in a day, the next day it's heavy. It's like it's gone. Yeah, it's gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you not use it for toast in that instance?

[John Kearns]

Well, I read that if you wet it and then put it in the oven or something, it brings bread back to life. Can't be bothered.

[Flight Announcement]

You got to wet it and put it back in the oven.

[John Kearns]

If you get a baguette and it's gone hard.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

If you dip it in water, put it in the oven. Comes back to life. You know, like in Fantasia, when the brooms will come back to life. It's like that.

[Flight Announcement]

So you keep on getting more and more bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Like 40 of them there, chasing you.

[John Kearns]

Chasing you. The baguettes. Jason, Remember that in Fantasia. Remember that?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

With the booms. Yeah. Scary.

[Ed Gamble]

Scary. Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Stressful. Genuinely stressful. As a kid thinking, what. What is he going to do? This is awful.

[John Kearns]

And the pink elephant stuff. Crazy thing going on there. Is there any butter?

[Ed Gamble]

Not mentioned.

[Flight Announcement]

Miriam did not specify. Any butter.

[John Kearns]

Dry bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

How you feeling about that?

[John Kearns]

My nan used to make sourdough till she was like 90.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[John Kearns]

Not sourdough. Soda bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Quite a hip. Quite a hip nan. I was gonna say.

[Flight Announcement]

I've got.

[John Kearns]

I got the bread wrong.

[Flight Announcement]

This is your Irish nan?

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Soda bread.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

If anyone listening has never made.

[Flight Announcement]

But it was absolutely lost.

[John Kearns]

I don't know what you're laughing at.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you think it's funny that you. That you said sourdough.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And then you.

[Ed Gamble]

And then it's how quickly you realize you'd made a mistake.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Sour. Don't know.

[Flight Announcement]

No, I'm completely wrong again.

[John Kearns]

Soda bread. If anyone listening has never made bread, make A soda bread, you need buttermilk.

[Flight Announcement]

I think he's lost it. Ben's at the point now where everything you say is funny. So for the. For the listener, I don't know why.

[John Kearns]

He'S laughing about it.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, there's a thing, I think, you know, but, like, I think there's a thing that you do, John, where you could be earnest to the point where it's very funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

So you go in, if anyone's listening, this has never made bread.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Make soda bread.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And you're being really serious, and you're stroking your beard from your chin down to your neck.

[John Kearns]

That's right.

[Flight Announcement]

And you're going like. Because. Buttermilk.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And you're just listing it like it's.

[Ed Gamble]

And. And when everything you're saying now, I'm imagining you're still in the stand, like a rest.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

You still understand for this whole thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Buttermilk.

[Flight Announcement]

When you got the bread wrong, the jury were like, we don't like this. Ed's had another 10 years added to his sentence, and you are on the stand as a character witness for it the whole time. So, like, when you go, my nan made sourdough. No soda bread, they're like, oh, if.

[John Kearns]

I'm in a jury and someone went, my nan made sourdough. Sorry, soda bread, I'm not going.

[Flight Announcement]

If they have a character winner, I.

[John Kearns]

Can'T trust this guy.

[Flight Announcement]

If they're a character witness. Yeah. I'd be like that. I'd be like, we're supposed to.

[Ed Gamble]

My main thought would be this. This feels irrelevant.

[John Kearns]

Buttermilk, flour. I don't know, a bit of water in a bowl. Just do it.

[Ed Gamble]

No, proving. You don't have to.

[John Kearns]

You don't have to prove it. Correct.

[Flight Announcement]

What are you doing? Caught.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Burden of proof, mate.

[John Kearns]

You've got to prove lots of things in life, but to make soda bread.

[Flight Announcement]

List, some things you got to prove.

[John Kearns]

You got to prove. When you go to pay a bill.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. You got to bring up. You got. When you go to the post office or something, you got to bring a bill. Proof of address, proof of address. When you go to an airport, you've got to prove that it's you with your passport.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Proof.

[John Kearns]

Making sourdough. You got to prove it. Wet cloth over it for an hour, put it in the sun, be proved. Soda bread, you don't need to Prove it. Takes 20 minutes, whack it in the oven, nice bit of butter, unsalted butter, then crystal salt over it. Add your own salt, maybe a bit of jam. Whatever you want to do.

[Flight Announcement]

BlackBerry jam. Hand picked. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

My mom took the blackberries to make jam. You don't need to. There's an apple tree in my parents garden.

[Ed Gamble]

Were you about to ask me if I knew that there was an apple tree in your parents garden?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[John Kearns]

Okay, I'll. I'll have. I'll have some sourdough.

[Flight Announcement]

You tell us about the apple tree. What was about the apple tree? You were saying easy.

[John Kearns]

Year on, year off. I didn't realize apple trees were like that.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got a pear tree.

[John Kearns]

And now is it year on, year off?

[Ed Gamble]

Don't know.

[Flight Announcement]

It's a partridge in it.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Flight Announcement]

Merry Christmas. Here, Mr. Kearns, we have for you some chopped liver from Panzers with Ikea. Round, crisp bread.

[John Kearns]

Thank you. Now, I. I wait for the. I wait for you to go.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Before you start talking about.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

I don't want to upset. Yeah, yeah, don't upset.

[Flight Announcement]

I do have to stay for it, though.

[John Kearns]

Okay.

[Flight Announcement]

So we can have the conversation. Oh, and the wine pairing with this Ed. Now, John, now you're acting like you're about to say what the wine pairing is. You can if you want.

[John Kearns]

What is it? I kit round crackers from ikea.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The round crisp bread.

[Flight Announcement]

You know, like some chopped liver from Panzers.

[John Kearns]

From Panzers, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Deli.

[John Kearns]

Panzers Deli.

[Flight Announcement]

Ed, what's that? What's it being paired with it?

[Ed Gamble]

A cup of coffee.

[Flight Announcement]

Cup of coffee.

[John Kearns]

And a cup liver and a cup of coffee.

[Flight Announcement]

Fantastic.

[John Kearns]

Fantastic. Fantastic. Wow. I like. I like liver.

[Flight Announcement]

Do you? Yeah, it's quite an acquired taste and.

[John Kearns]

Like, one of the best lasagnas I ever had. Had chopped liver in it. Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[John Kearns]

Said it really got it really meaty.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I had liver on Pat Cahill Stag. There's a really posh Italian restaurant.

[Flight Announcement]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

A stag.

[John Kearns]

It begins with B. In Piccadilly. Italian restaurant, posh fellow, Italian. I reckon loads of people listening. Would have hoped.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Went there and I had the awful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Did you feel brave when you ordered it?

[John Kearns]

Well, no one else ordered it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Were they impressed? Was everyone like, oh, John's getting the awful?

[John Kearns]

Yep, yep. Because I said, I've never been there before. You know, you can go anywhere, get a carburetor or anything. But I regretted it massively. It was heart, lung. Disgusting.

[Flight Announcement]

It's awful, innit?

[John Kearns]

My mate Greg's got a ragu. Would rather have that.

[Flight Announcement]

How many people on the stack?

[John Kearns]

10. No, only me, Greg and Pat on the. On the.

[Flight Announcement]

And this is Greg James. Yeah, you can decide if we edit that out or not. But I think that's a funny detail that it's you, Greg James and Pat Cahill on a three man stag. And you've ordered offal.

[John Kearns]

Well, you know. Yeah, I ordered awful. But I like the liver bit. I remember that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But you didn't like the heart or the lung?

[John Kearns]

No. God, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that because you were thinking about what it was or did you genuinely not like it?

[John Kearns]

Pretty high up on what I'm thinking about. Pretty high up. Do you know the heart rolls out? Did you know that it's a muscle.

[Ed Gamble]

I actually did not know it rolled out.

[Flight Announcement]

I had no idea.

[John Kearns]

The heart. So you picture the heart. You go. It's the size of a fist. It rolls out to like a stretch of like, I'd say a foot long.

[Flight Announcement]

Wow.

[John Kearns]

It's all wrapped around. Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

How was the. Was there like a sauce on the offal? No, just grilled.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. It's like a delicacy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I don't think any IKEA crackers are gonna. I kind of put my mind off.

[Ed Gamble]

It, but I think chop liver, like from Jewish delis is more like a sort of pate consistency. It's like you could sort of spread it on. Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Like chicken liver pate. Sounds lovely. This deli, is it like a famous Jewish deli? Yeah, in London.

[Ed Gamble]

In North London. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Fantastic.

[Flight Announcement]

Panthers.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, I love that. Thanks. With a nice black coffee. Really get it through me.

[Flight Announcement]

So yours is the black. The black coffee is. That's how you have your coffee?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah. Nice. Americana with a sugar, you know. Nice. I like hot coffee.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Can't drink cold coffee, so even if I have a sip and it's cold, it's done.

[Flight Announcement]

Jon, you arrived here today drinking an iced latte. I literally saw you today walk into this building drinking an iced latte.

[John Kearns]

I never, ever, ever get it.

[Flight Announcement]

Your honor, set me down now. It could not be colder. Cubes of ice in it.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah. I never do it. I went in, I went, do you do iced coffee? She went, yeah, so I'll have one. No, I never have it. I never have it. Mad that. I know that sounds mad.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I can end. The jury are pretty cool with this.

[Flight Announcement]

No, they're not.

[John Kearns]

No, they are.

[Flight Announcement]

No, they're not.

[Ed Gamble]

No, they're not. In my mind, you're in the court, you're going, I never have a nice coffee. And you're holding a. Laughter, you're drinking It.

[John Kearns]

You said, I just need to know I am in. Am I in a courtroom or a restaurant here? Because it feels like I'm at a restaurant. Is a gorilla about to drop down and suck me off at some point, I'm eating crackers and liver with a coffee, and there's 12 people on a bench looking at me. Lawyers wandering around. Wait, is wandering around? Let's not forget there's a genie who won't leave my side. I can't talk about the food. Good God, man. Right, well, you know what? Five in a restaurant. And I'm also being judged by jury.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

There's a. There's a waiter genie, obviously. And there's. There's a lawyer. Pacing. All right, well, there we go. I do. I do like black, hot coffee. I don't know. Once every two years, I'll have an iced coffee. Crackers.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

From IKEA. IKEA that everyone knows. IKEA's. That's the fun bit at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

That's your reward. That's your treat. That's like, you know, parents evening. Let's get McDonald's. You've done the IKEA. Let's get some hot dogs. Meatballs.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Good value as well. Mappy. Nice restaurant. Love it. Love it. Come back. Bring people. Bring people.

[Flight Announcement]

Miriam has added a soup course.

[John Kearns]

Right. So after the liver and the coffee, there's now a soup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, the coffee was my addition, remember?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the. The drinks pairing, you know.

[John Kearns]

You won't pair a drink with the soup.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you will. Chicken soup with matzo balls.

[John Kearns]

Gee.

[Flight Announcement]

And carrot. Celery and onion.

[John Kearns]

Goodness me.

[Flight Announcement]

Paired with Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Banana milkshake.

[Flight Announcement]

Banana milkshake.

[John Kearns]

I don't have to drink it, I suppose.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Leave it there. Leave it there. The gorilla can have that.

[Flight Announcement]

He won't know the difference.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, he won't. That's for the gorilla.

[Flight Announcement]

Grabs the straw. Can't believe his luck.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a decoy.

[Flight Announcement]

If I can start this one.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a decoy shake.

[Flight Announcement]

That's what keeps coming.

[Ed Gamble]

Freezing.

[Flight Announcement]

I'll tell you what. Not much girth to it, but it's a giver.

[Ed Gamble]

Bendier than normal.

[John Kearns]

Shocking. Nice. Shocking. It's shocking.

[Flight Announcement]

I hope.

[John Kearns]

The windows.

[Flight Announcement]

That's one happy gorilla.

[John Kearns]

Of the window. Of this. Curtains or something. Foliage. There's some trees. No one can see it. Well, I mean, is there. Is there anything better than, you know, a fortifying bowl of lovely chicken soup with some of those balls?

[Flight Announcement]

Lovely Butter balls.

[John Kearns]

Lovely. I don't know what they are. Really? Dumplings?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. We definitely spoke about it with Miriam. I know that it's a very salty soup, but I only know that because of the film Love and Mercy. Have you seen that film? The Brian Wilson film?

[John Kearns]

Love that when you cook pasta.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

There's a rule and I. It's about how salty you get the. How much salt do you put in when you're making pasta?

[Ed Gamble]

I just put like a. Like a big sprinkle, I guess.

[John Kearns]

I do. Big sprinkle.

[Ed Gamble]

Apparently it's got to be loads, isn't it?

[John Kearns]

It's like a tablespoon.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And there's a phrase. It has to be as salty as a certain sea, maybe the Atlantic as a particular sea.

[Ed Gamble]

Who knows that?

[John Kearns]

I'm watching this thing and the guy goes, it got a psalm. I don't know what c. I don't know what c. What's the saltiest sea? The one where you float.

[Ed Gamble]

Dead sea.

[Flight Announcement]

Dead sea.

[John Kearns]

So it can't be that attitude because.

[Ed Gamble]

Then all the pass is floating up at the top.

[John Kearns]

Floating.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

So it got. Maybe the Atlantic.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Probably the Mediterranean, I guess if it's It Mediterranean.

[Flight Announcement]

Ben saying the Mediterranean.

[Ed Gamble]

Be weird if it was a sea that didn't touch Italy.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I thought that. A lot of salt in that. A lot of salt in that soup.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So I'm gonna have some nice. That cucumber water still there Again, the banana milkshake is whatever. That banana milkshake can do whatever it want. Fantastic. I tell you what, I'm bringing people here.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Maybe a birthday. I'll have a birthday here.

[Flight Announcement]

That's nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Which warn them about the gorilla.

[John Kearns]

No, don't tell anyone about gorilla.

[Flight Announcement]

Greg James having a pleasant surprise.

[John Kearns]

He can't be seen. He's big time.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. So he can't go there.

[John Kearns]

He's. He's. He's top 10 BBC. Yeah. He's. He can't be seen being surprised and noshed off by a gorilla. And it's not a gorilla. Before anyone, you know, writes in. Well, it's a mechanical thing.

[Flight Announcement]

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[John Kearns]

Meal Decampiones Una QPC Consulting Barbecue Itosino Papitas Yun Refresco Dos Froze Le Jam.

[Advertiser 1]

And El Angel Ree Special Cibot El.

[Flight Announcement]

Angel Ree special solo at McDonald's. Your main course. Now I'm going to give it to you. Do you want to read it out?

[John Kearns]

Thank you.

[Flight Announcement]

What have you got for your main course?

[John Kearns]

Mummy's fried place with olive oil and matzo meal. Is it? Who's mummy? My mommy.

[Flight Announcement]

This is what. This is what you have to decide, I guess, because obviously for Miriam, this is her mummy. She didn't say John Kearns is mummy. So you would think that. Yeah. Like the main course is Miriam's mummies.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. If you go to a restaurant and it says Mummies fried whatever, you don't. You're not thinking my mummy. No. You're thinking the mummy of.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Whoever owns the restaurant.

[Flight Announcement]

But like for you, I mean, this is dream restaurant you're here for. I mean, we could. I. I don't think it's out of the question that we can make it your mummy's fried place.

[John Kearns]

Nah, she doesn't. Didn't really cook fish.

[Flight Announcement]

No.

[John Kearns]

Fish was. You went out for fish? Yeah. You went out for like, you know. Stinks. The kitchen.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Mummy's fried plate. I wonder how she does she say how her mummy does it? Is it like, you know, what's the difference between fried place and Miriam Muglies's mummy? Easy for you to say. Olive oil. Yeah. And matzo meal. Huh? Is that what was in the balls?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think it's the same stuff.

[John Kearns]

But, you know, Jewish food is delicious, man. Yeah, well, it's just fish and matzo meal. Miriam Magalis's mummy's matzo meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Flight Announcement]

How fast can you say that?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

I mean, do you want to have a go? I'll try Miriam. Mark, these is mummy's matzo meal, Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Miriam Margulies's mummy's matzo meal.

[John Kearns]

Maria Margaliso's mummy's matzo.

[Flight Announcement]

You said Margalisos both times you've fallen at Margulies.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. When you said it slowly the first time, you said Miriam Magalis.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

What is wrong here?

[Ed Gamble]

Since Margulies, it's not magazines.

[John Kearns]

Okay.

[Flight Announcement]

I think you need to maybe just.

[John Kearns]

Miriam Margulies's mommy's matzo meal.

[Flight Announcement]

There you go.

[John Kearns]

There we go. Brilliant. Yeah, brilliant. Sounds nice. Some chips?

[Flight Announcement]

No, no, that's not on there, is it?

[John Kearns]

That's quite healthy, that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Place is. It's quite a delicate fish, John.

[Ed Gamble]

Just for the listener, John said, it's quite a delicate fish, and then looked at me as if he wasn't sure. And he was just checking that he'd. Yeah, he'd got it right.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, the jury can see that. They can see you looking. Looking to the. The accused with guilt. With guilty eyes after you've said something.

[John Kearns]

Ah.

[Ed Gamble]

It'S quite flat, isn't it?

[John Kearns]

Huh?

[Ed Gamble]

Flat, big, flat fish.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, Flat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

That thing's flat. Flat fish. Do you get any season? You know, can I do anything with this? Or is it just.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you want to know what you're having for your side? And then you can.

[Flight Announcement]

Ed, what's it paired with the main course, the fish.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Oh, come on. Give me something nice in there, Rose.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Dry Provence.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah, I've had that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

The paler the better. Yeah, I'm hearing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

When did you have that?

[John Kearns]

I think I've been to Provence. Had it there. I think I've been there.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

There's a chapel, the. You know, Matisse, the artist Matisse.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

He built this chapel there. And it was the last thing he did before he died. And, like, he painted from his bed, like, on the walls with a long paintbrush.

[Ed Gamble]

With a really long one. It's like a taskmaster task.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Matisse, he'd have Been good at taskmaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Picasso, Taskmaster.

[Flight Announcement]

I think Matisse would have stood up to Greg. Tearing him apart, though, like. He might have been all right at the tasks, but then. Yeah, getting told he's rubbish in the.

[John Kearns]

Studio, they storm off.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Artists, comedians, you sit there and take it.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, some of us.

[John Kearns]

Maybe they did a kids one. I don't know. Happy to meet Mike. Matisse. Meeting Mike.

[Ed Gamble]

I think Matisse would like to meet Mike Wozniak.

[Flight Announcement]

Matisse doing the kids one. This is Matisse as a kid or as an adult inexplicably entered into the kids taskmaster.

[John Kearns]

Well, kids don't know who he is.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, they know he's an adult, though.

[Flight Announcement]

They'll be able to tell.

[John Kearns]

They know he's an adult. He's bigger than him. Massive. He was massive by the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Was he?

[John Kearns]

Yeah. What's the. You know, is there, like. I'm thinking about art now.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I'm thinking, you know, candlelight, maybe. Nice. Nice place mats.

[Ed Gamble]

Place like the fish?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah. Place like the fish. Flat fried fish. I mean, the thing is, right, let's be honest here. I don't know a mummy. And it's a bit of fried fish and some matzo meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Well, yeah. Great.

[Flight Announcement]

Would you like to know a mummy?

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

That help.

[John Kearns]

Miriam Moglies's mummy.

[Flight Announcement]

That help? If you were introduced to a mummy.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I think, you know, I reckon the apple don't fall far from the tree. I think you'd be like, this all makes sense, you know, Like, I met Sam Campbell's parents in Australia.

[Flight Announcement]

Bang.

[John Kearns]

It all makes. It just fits.

[Flight Announcement]

Jump. For the first time we met some Campbell.

[John Kearns]

Well, maybe you. Right, okay.

[Flight Announcement]

But we didn't meet him at the same time. But the first time I.

[John Kearns]

He was an. To me.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. So the first time I became aware of him.

[John Kearns]

He knows I told him this.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, he knows. At the Melbourne Comedy Festival was probably like, I don't know, 2013, 2014, something like that, Right. And we were in one of the festival bars in the evening, and you came up to me looking grumpy. All right? You went, you met this Sam Campbell? And I went, I know you're talking about. And you were like, he's a comic over here. He's really over familiar. He's rude. And I was like, big for his boots. I thought. I don't think you said. But you were like, he's over familiar. He's rude. Oh, I don't know who he is.

[John Kearns]

He's rude.

[Flight Announcement]

And we stood next to the bar. And then like, literally like within a minute of you saying that to me, Sam was like doing a lap of the pub and he just, he didn't even stop walking. He went past and he said something. He went, Mr. Kearns. And he was like, that's. That's the guy. He just kind of. He just, he just looped around and carried on going, yeah. And I was like, he's a wind up. Oh, that's it. Yeah, that's what you said. He keeps winding me up.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a wind up merchant.

[John Kearns]

He's a wind up merchant.

[Flight Announcement]

You were like, he's winding me up all festival. It keeps winding me up.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. He'd say stuff like the great John Kerr.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. That was it. That was it.

[John Kearns]

And I'd be like, I don't know you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he probably meant that though.

[John Kearns]

He said it.

[Flight Announcement]

He's winding me up over familiarity.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

When you don't know someone's going on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Or someone being a bit like, I. I love having the piss taken out of me. I got to know where that's coming from.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You got to know the intention. Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

And if I know someone and like them, you can say anything to me. Because I'd find it funny if I don't know who you are. And you're doing that. I. I put the drawbridge up.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And then I look through the little hole going, what's going on out there? Who's that? Then I go back into the castle, chat to my friends, come have a look. Look through there. Who's that? Who's that Australian guy on the other side of the moat doing weird dances.

[Ed Gamble]

And this castle analogy. Where's the drawbridge?

[John Kearns]

Don't you gotta let things go, man, Because I'm in the forest. Now you're gonna start saying, it's an expression. It's an expression.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I know, but offending you.

[John Kearns]

I don't want to argue in front of the lawyers about this.

[Ed Gamble]

Or the gorilla.

[John Kearns]

Or the gorilla.

[Flight Announcement]

Already you're spinning a lot of plates at this point. Because now. Now you're in a castle with a door.

[John Kearns]

Not in a castle.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you are just said you're looking at a little man dancing on the tr.

[John Kearns]

Dancing on the other side of the mug. So I brought the drawbridge up. The metaphor being that I don't know him, so I'm not letting him in.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Now I let him in. I know who he is. I like the guy.

[Ed Gamble]

So he's in the castle.

[John Kearns]

He's in the castle. Now he still Winds me up. He goes to meet creator of worlds. He keeps introducing me like that. And again, I'm like, what the fuck's his game?

[Ed Gamble]

He means it.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, but he's got a smile. He's got a thing.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, well, he knows it's funny to say it, but he does mean it as well.

[John Kearns]

It's like he's going over your head to the audience. And I'm like. In my mind, I'm like, no, you do it to me. You do it in my face. I'm kicking him out of the castle. He's gone. So he's got his own castle.

[Flight Announcement]

Didn't last long. He's in another castle now.

[John Kearns]

He's got his own castle.

[Ed Gamble]

Sam didn't speak to me for ages. And then I found out he'd been texting James saying he was in the same room as me.

[Flight Announcement]

Yes, this is.

[John Kearns]

He plays games. He plays games.

[Flight Announcement]

He was texting me, saying, I can't believe I'm in a room with Ed Gamble.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, he plays games. Yeah, he plays games and he's. And he laughs about it. Pissing himself laughing, this guy. Always laughing. Point is, I met his dad and I went, apple don't fall far from the tree. Yeah, I've met your parents.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Don't think I've met. I think I've met anyone.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. I don't know if you would think apple falls far from the tree with it.

[John Kearns]

No, I didn't think that with you, actually.

[Flight Announcement]

Maybe a little bit, but, yeah, Really.

[John Kearns]

I didn't think that with you, really.

[Flight Announcement]

Now when you get to know him.

[John Kearns]

Oh, really?

[Flight Announcement]

I guess it's like dad.

[Ed Gamble]

Both.

[Flight Announcement]

Both.

[Ed Gamble]

Perfect mix.

[John Kearns]

When you're young, you think it's one, though.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. When. Yeah, when you're younger, you think, I went through different phases. I think I was more like my dad, more like my mum.

[John Kearns]

Same.

[Flight Announcement]

But now I can. Both their voices are in my head all the time.

[John Kearns]

Same. Especially since, like, having a kid. If you. When I'm 15, I'm like, yeah, I'm a dad. And now I'm like my mum. And now you just. It's that realization as you get older that you are that mix and there is no getting away from that. But also you feel very lucky.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So it's a good mix. I'm not moaning about it, but, yeah, that's something you don't really. It's quite. It's on the surface, in your twenties or when you're a teenager, you're like, yeah, I'm like my dad because he likes music. And I like music. He can't stop buying CDs. He has to hide them in the car because, you know, my mom. My mom won't let him in the house with CDs anymore. You know, I'm like, yeah, I buy CD. Yeah, all that stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Classic.

[John Kearns]

And now, Now I'm an old. Now I'm older, I'm like, yeah, my mom. I'm like. I'm like my mom.

[Flight Announcement]

Because you don't like CDs in there.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, I like CDs and that's. But nothing to play them on anymore. He used to buy. See, he used to always buy music.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And my mom would just be. Yeah. And then he'd smuggle them in. He'd, like, made me smuggle. I was like a mule. Just bring them in up your T shirt. The reason why I talk about parents is Miriam Margulies's Mommy's Fried Place. I've never met Miriam. I've never met Miriam's mummy, but I'm sure that's going to be lovely. Fried flat plates with olive oil. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[Flight Announcement]

And a side dish of roast potatoes, small frozen peas, braised celery and braised carrots.

[John Kearns]

Fantastic. Absolutely gorgeous. It's already sounds a bit dry.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, maybe a drink pairing with it.

[John Kearns]

To drink the gravy.

[Ed Gamble]

Go on, I'll give you that pint of gravy.

[John Kearns]

Oh, roast potatoes.

[Flight Announcement]

Beautiful.

[John Kearns]

How do you do?

[Ed Gamble]

You make your roasts pretty classic, I'd say. Parboil. Parboiler potatoes.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Shake them around.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Some salmonella.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't do any of that.

[Flight Announcement]

Some what?

[John Kearns]

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[John Kearns]

Well, I don't know how to say the word. He's on me.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, I'm on him because he said. He said samo lemma.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Well, what is it?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, no, so you have another go.

[John Kearns]

I'm doubling.

[Ed Gamble]

Semolina.

[John Kearns]

Semolina. You know, what you don't want.

[Flight Announcement]

That's Sam Campbell's nickname.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

So that's what Nigella does. She puts the summer.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd go, maybe a bit of. Then very, very hot fat. Put it into the hot. Cover it with the hot fat.

[John Kearns]

Brilliant. Love that. I'll have them. Braised celery. I've never.

[Flight Announcement]

It's the second time celery's come up.

[John Kearns]

I've never cooked celery. Have you ever had cooked celery?

[Ed Gamble]

Celery goes into the base of a lot of stuff. So you will have had cooked.

[John Kearns]

I'VE had a lot of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I've actually done it myself many times.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Celery, onion, carrot into the base of, like, a stew.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, Yeah, I do that most weeks.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Braised. Never braised it, though. Never. I'm not going to start braising it. Well, that's delicious. I mean, look at that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I'm happy. I mean, that's pretty basic, isn't it?

[Flight Announcement]

It's pretty basic, but I thought you.

[John Kearns]

Would like that because I know it's very home.

[Flight Announcement]

I know that you like a roast and you like talking to people about how they do a roast. I was pretty sure you would ask Ed how he did his roast potatoes, because it's your. You love knowing that about James.

[John Kearns]

Well, so it's. Everyone has their own way.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Kearns]

Well, how do you do it? What's the James? A castor roast.

[Flight Announcement]

Potato parboiler.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Put them on the tray with loads of. Loads of olive oil and salt and pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

I forgot salt and pepper.

[John Kearns]

That's it.

[Flight Announcement]

Then squash them. I squash them all into that. So push down on them with the back of a spatula. Squash them all on such so they break a little bit. Not fully. Just break a little bit. And then put them in the oven. Roast the hell out of them. You get those nice little crispy bits where you. Where you've smashed them.

[John Kearns]

Put. Put your herbs in 20 minutes before the end. Don't put them in at the beginning.

[Flight Announcement]

Good tip.

[John Kearns]

Rub the herbs with olive oil so they don't burn.

[Flight Announcement]

I love it.

[John Kearns]

What I like about this menu is you do feel like I'm in, like, Miriam's brain. I'm in her house. Another place like this is. No, no, no.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[John Kearns]

No, no, no.

[Flight Announcement]

So is the castle inside the brain?

[John Kearns]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

So your castle is in Miriam's brain.

[Flight Announcement]

Because I can picture it, that you're in the castle with the drawbridge. You can look out of it and see people dancing the other side of the moat. And inside the castle, gorilla up the turret. Yeah. Inside the castle, there's, like, trees and stuff and there's a gorilla at the toe. And then you're sitting, like, on the stand having your meal and there's a jury in there. So I can picture it all.

[John Kearns]

But now there's a Bible as well. There's a Bible there.

[Flight Announcement]

You got to swear on the Bible.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Does that mean anything to you?

[John Kearns]

The Bible?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. If it's like. If you're swearing on the Bible, are you thinking this is serious stuff? You thinking I don't believe in that. Anyway, I don't care.

[John Kearns]

Are you asking me if I swear in a Bible? Am I taking that seriously?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do they have another option now? They must do, like, the Da Vinci Code or something.

[Flight Announcement]

If that's you. If that's your book of choice, that's your favorite choice.

[Ed Gamble]

It's your choice.

[John Kearns]

Nigel Slater's Real Food.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. What book means the most to you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

What would be your book? Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Maybe that Japanese book, In the Shadows. Swear on that. I've learned a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you learn three things.

[Ed Gamble]

Three things.

[John Kearns]

That's a lot. What's Kermode's rule about comedy films? If he laughs three times, it's a comedy film.

[Flight Announcement]

Kermode.

[John Kearns]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

I think that's. Anyone who doesn't know you, which by now, everyone knows you, who's listening to this podcast by the time they got to this point in the episode. Yeah, but, like, if people didn't know John Kearns, I would say he's the kind of guy who takes Mark Kermode's Rules for Life very seriously.

[John Kearns]

I would quote when you hear someone give a rule.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

It's. It's fun and it's nice. You go, well, is that a rule I want to live by? Yeah, because I'm. I'm always, I think, looking for rules.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah.

[John Kearns]

I'm always looking for things to hang the coat on, hang the hat on.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Because otherwise you're just scrambling around in life. So if someone goes, if I laugh three times in a film, it's a comedy, I'll go, well, okay. How often do I laugh? Comedy films?

[Ed Gamble]

Not a lot, but there's, like, sad films and stuff where there's three laughs in. Does that make it a comedy film?

[John Kearns]

No.

[Flight Announcement]

Also, that's the problem.

[John Kearns]

That's the problem with comedy these days. You don't know what's comedy anymore.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, Mark Kermode does. If he laughs three times. If you're Mark, do you think Mark Kermode, when he's laughed twice at a film, gets in his head? Because then he's like, yes.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, 100.

[Flight Announcement]

Am I going to laugh a third time?

[Ed Gamble]

Here we go.

[Flight Announcement]

That. That third one's got to be difficult because now he's thinking, if I laugh again, it's a comedy. If I don't, it's not. And now he's overanalyzing it because the first two laughs might have come easily. You know, he's been like, oh, that's funny. He doesn't get on with his son and his son had a go at him. And that's funny that mini me humped the laser. And then after that, is he like, when am I gonna laugh?

[John Kearns]

Osterpas.

[Flight Announcement]

Osterpass 2. Spy Shagmi.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

You're laughing at the title for that film.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's one.

[John Kearns]

Holy moly.

[Flight Announcement]

You laugh at the title immediately.

[Ed Gamble]

You've laughed before. You've gone in.

[Flight Announcement]

Spy Shagmi. Laugh.

[John Kearns]

I'm laughing. I'm laughing at the name. Yeah, I. I saw that film with my nan. She fell asleep in the trailer. I watched. I just watched it.

[Flight Announcement]

Just you?

[John Kearns]

Just me. Well, my nan was there.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, but she's asleep.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, she's still. She's still there.

[Flight Announcement]

You had a good time?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, Loved it.

[Flight Announcement]

Funny film.

[John Kearns]

I'd run away from home.

[Flight Announcement]

Sorry?

[John Kearns]

I'd run away from home. I was sick of it.

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[John Kearns]

I don't know. I don't know how old I was, but I was sick of it. So I went, right, I'm off. And then I got to my nan's.

[Ed Gamble]

You run away from home? Run away to your nan's house?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, I'm not at home. I might run away with mine.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but to your nan's house, which is basically a house.

[Flight Announcement]

I think she's gonna. Basically.

[John Kearns]

Anyway, she calls my mom.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

She went, he's here.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, of course.

[John Kearns]

And I was. I remember being at the top of the stairs looking down.

[Flight Announcement]

You now live in Ireland. That's pretty impressive.

[John Kearns]

No, no, they from Ireland. She's in Tooting.

[Flight Announcement]

I thought you'd run away to Ireland.

[John Kearns]

When you're looking down the bottom of stairs like, yeah, man, we can do better. And I can just see my nan talking to my mom. She's like, okay. Okay. Now I'm thinking, they're going to collect me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

No, my mum clearly went, it can stay there. So I was there for three days. I'm like, this is bad.

[Ed Gamble]

How old were you?

[John Kearns]

Well, Spy who Shagged Me. I want to see that. Well, that was a 12. And I'm probably feeling a little bit cheeky seeing that. So maybe I'm 11, 98, 99.

[Flight Announcement]

So you ran away from home. You went straight to your nails.

[John Kearns]

I ran away from home. And I'm thinking, yeah. My parents are gonna be like, where is he? Like, oh, we gotta get him back. Our beautiful son.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

My dad crosses me up, she says, he's here. My mom clearly went, him have him.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I remember going, hey, that's gone.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not totally called your bluff on it.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. Really oh, they caught my bluff.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

But then it worked. My nan went, do you want to go cinema? Went to Wimbledon cinema.

[Flight Announcement]

So your dad said to you, do you want to go see Spy Shack? Me?

[John Kearns]

I just. I remember thinking, I want to. She didn't say that. I said that.

[Flight Announcement]

You said, did you say, I want.

[Ed Gamble]

To go and see Austin Powers, the Spy who Shagged Me?

[John Kearns]

Well, you know, listen to younger listeners. This. They'll think it's crazy, but you've got the local paper out, you've got the listings in there. It's the only way of finding. You're picking up Calling the ocean. You're cool in the cinema, man.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

And we went that, remember?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Great movie. Funny movie.

[Flight Announcement]

She fell asleep. You watched it?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, probably. You know, I. I wear a wig. I wear fake teeth on stage. Maybe formative, I don't know.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Have you seen the film?

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[John Kearns]

German film, about four hours long.

[Flight Announcement]

Das Boot.

[John Kearns]

It's not Das Boot. Tony Erdman. Tony Erdman.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Is it that long?

[John Kearns]

It's a long film.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.

[John Kearns]

Beautiful.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

About a guy who wears a wig, false teeth.

[Flight Announcement]

You can't. You can't be serious with people. He's always got to be joking.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. And his daughter doesn't like that.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Affects his relationship with his daughter.

[John Kearns]

And beautiful moment at the end where she finally embraces it.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

She puts on the fake teeth and the wig.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And she's finally kind of being silly with her dad and he's like, oh, fantastic. And he runs back into the house to get a camera to kind of capture this moment. The film camera stays on her, just stays on her face for about a minute. And within that minute, you see her become self conscious again. The silliness is gone and she slowly takes it off. And then you don't see him come back. The idea of being silliness, being light, being funny, is just so it can just go in a second.

[Flight Announcement]

The salad, she added a salad course to this as well.

[John Kearns]

Just tell me you're gonna edit it out. Just tell me you're gonna get it.

[Ed Gamble]

No, that's staying in.

[John Kearns]

Well, you started again. Like you're gonna edit out.

[Flight Announcement]

No, no, I just. I just thought. There's nothing to add to that. It's beautiful. We don't have to punch her. Everything that you do, we can just let you talk about silliness in a passionate way.

[Ed Gamble]

Green salad.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, green salad.

[Flight Announcement]

A green salad for you. Romaine, mashed potatoes. No, endive.

[John Kearns]

Endive.

[Flight Announcement]

And Eve Rocket with a French dressing on the side.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, brilliant.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, no, go on, be honest. Be honest.

[John Kearns]

I don't want it. With my potatoes. Maybe nice with a bit of fish, which you got.

[Flight Announcement]

You haven't got Mummy's fried place.

[John Kearns]

I'm not. I'm not eating the salad.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I'm just gonna leave it. Just.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, I admire your honesty with that. You're not gonna eat that.

[John Kearns]

It's not.

[Flight Announcement]

I mean.

[John Kearns]

Well, I like salad.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And a nice French dressing. I make my own French dressing.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk us through it.

[John Kearns]

White wine vinegar, Dijon mustard, salt, pepper, lemon. I don't know if that's French. That's what I do. Put it in a jam jar. Shake up.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you pretend to be a cocktail waiter when you're doing that?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want it, though. It's hot food. The hot cold thing going on.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. Like, hot, cold.

[John Kearns]

Who does? Not me.

[Flight Announcement]

So somebody who arrived today drinking an iced coffee might. Might enjoy playing with temperatures. I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

What about in a dessert, though? What about.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, that's nice. And dessert. Yeah, Brownie ice cream. Lovely. Love that, Love that. I'm a contrarian. You don't want. You don't want cold salad with a roast potato.

[Ed Gamble]

I kind of agree because it, like, wilts the salad.

[Flight Announcement]

And so every now and again it's like I'm thinking of, like, all the different settings and just imagining someone on the witness stand saying the phrase, I'm a contrarian.

[John Kearns]

Again, if I'm in the jury, I'm looking at the guy going, well, you know, he's telling me that it's worse if you're watching someone and you lean over to the next person and you go, I think this guy's a contrarian. Whereas if I said, I think this guy's a contrarian, and then I look up at the stand and the guy goes, I'm a contrarian. I'd be like, okay.

[Flight Announcement]

He's telling me what Darren Brown would do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Why is he doing that?

[Flight Announcement]

Darren Brown tells the audience what he's doing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

He said, so then they trust him more.

[John Kearns]

Well, that's. That's the thing about magic.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

It's the most honest art form because.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, it's a trick.

[John Kearns]

The first thing you are told is, I am going to trick you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

This is bollocks. Nothing is real. Welcome to the show.

[Ed Gamble]

You should open your shows like that.

[John Kearns]

I'm gonna trick you.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

This is all bollocks. It's all a Trick. Welcome to the show.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Curtain up.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

You're saying it off stage.

[John Kearns]

Off stage. Mic.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Hang on. You're behind the curtain.

[John Kearns]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The start of the show.

[John Kearns]

Lovely stuff. Maybe shoes. Just the shoes. Smoke. Then I appear in the shoes. Yeah. I walk on wearing shoes. And throw. Throw the shoes away. Don't know who left them there. Off you go. That's a funny beginning.

[Flight Announcement]

That's a funny beginning.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

That's funny.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You walk into the theater. Blackout.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Voiceover. It's all a trick.

[Ed Gamble]

This is all bollocks.

[John Kearns]

This is all bollocks.

[Flight Announcement]

I've watched this.

[John Kearns]

It's got a pack of lies.

[Flight Announcement]

Okay.

[John Kearns]

Welcome to the show.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Curtain up. Pair of shoes. Smoke. I walk on wearing shoes. Throw the shoes in the audience. Don't know who left them there. Crack on.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

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[Flight Announcement]

Virgin Mary, no ice, plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon. More celery. We've got celery again.

[John Kearns]

Virgin Mary. So no booze in there?

[Flight Announcement]

No booze in there. How do you feel about that? Great. No ice, plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon. Celery.

[John Kearns]

Celery again. Slice of. I don't worry. What? I'll take the lemon out.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Worcester sauce. Great. Plenty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I love that.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Do you prefer Virgin Mary or Bloody Mary? In all honesty, I probably only had.

[John Kearns]

It twice in my life. Who are these people that are like hungover going, let's get The Bloody Mary's down. I've got to do. Sorry. Does Miriam drink?

[Flight Announcement]

Not sure. I mean, she didn't want any booze on this menu.

[John Kearns]

It sounds like she doesn't.

[Flight Announcement]

So.

[John Kearns]

I mean, I'm on antibiotics at the moment.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I can't drink till next Sunday, so it sounds good. I went to the dentist last week.

[Flight Announcement]

I've been to the dentist with you.

[John Kearns]

I said, thank you, dentist. Do you know that when you say, thank you, doctor, I said, thank you, dentist.

[Flight Announcement]

You called him dead.

[John Kearns]

I went, thank you, dentist.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They are doctors, though, you know.

[John Kearns]

Hey.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are doctors. Yeah. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I thought they were dentists.

[Flight Announcement]

Their title is now they're dentists. No, their title is Dr. Dentists.

[John Kearns]

You don't go to the dentist to call the dentist the doctor.

[Flight Announcement]

We've got good news for you, though, John. The dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

I've just realized.

[John Kearns]

Ben's laughing, Ed's laughing. James composed with the killer punch.

[Flight Announcement]

This is good news.

[Ed Gamble]

This is good news.

[John Kearns]

Well, why is he. That's because.

[Flight Announcement]

Perfect coincidence.

[John Kearns]

Let me think. Why is it perfect? Why would Ed laugh like that?

[Ed Gamble]

I was laughing out of happiness.

[John Kearns]

Oh, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

It wasn't a cruel laugh.

[John Kearns]

That's either ice cream or something to do with a gorilla.

[Flight Announcement]

Coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Narduli, which I think is in Clapham, I think we talked about.

[John Kearns]

Ah. I live near Clapham. What is it, an ice cream shop?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, maybe. Mildly. Says the best ice cream. She gets a scoop of the coffee, scoop of the dark chocolate. That's her favorite dessert in the world.

[John Kearns]

Clapham seems like it's got some nice food places.

[Flight Announcement]

Oh, yeah, man.

[John Kearns]

Who's the chap? Rue, the. The chef he just closed.

[Ed Gamble]

Michelle Rue Jr. Everything on top jaw.

[John Kearns]

He said Clapham. I wrote them down on a bit of paper. I was like, I live near there. I need to do all that. Does he live near Clapham?

[Ed Gamble]

I guess so, if that's what he was picking.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. A lot of chefs live in Wands of Ferrier.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Ramsay.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Big house.

[Flight Announcement]

You'd love Ramsay. He's one of the kind of people I think you would love to meet.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

Like you would love to meet Gordon Ramsay.

[John Kearns]

I would, yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

There's a certain figures in pop culture. Kermode is a perfect example as well. Like certain people who just seem like they're. They're staples now. They're part of the furniture. They've been there for.

[John Kearns]

I like meeting the furniture.

[Flight Announcement]

And you're like, there they are.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, I like meeting the furniture.

[Flight Announcement]

Kermode Gordon Ramsay.

[John Kearns]

The thing with Ramsay, Right.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

He's. He's. We all know him as like, you know, just almost like a TV personality.

[Ed Gamble]

He's on the Mount Rushmore, but it's.

[John Kearns]

How good he is at the. Like, everything else is noise.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And, like, everyone knows him. Maybe, like, everyone knew him from the telly or like just the. The Hell's Kitchen, all that, and know him now. He sells pans. He does. He'll flog you anything but 90s er. He worked his ass off and he was the best. And I like that. I like when, you know, like when you like a musician and you love an album and then the other albums are shite.

[Flight Announcement]

Yes.

[John Kearns]

But you don't care because you're like, well, they did that.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Like, I like Rufus Wainwright and, you know, the last few albums, whatever. Not for me, but because he did what he did early 2000s poses. He could do anything. Like, it's that freedom of, like, you could do anything. I'm up for it. Like, you've got to defend them because they gave you that moment. And, like, if you go on YouTube and watch the. There's a documentary about Marco Pierre White and Ramsay, because they work together. It's fantastic. Keith Floyd turns up. Marco, Pierre White's hero. He makes him lamb chops and mash. They just sit there in silence eating it and, you know, that's good. Lamb chops and mash.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah. Fantastic.

[John Kearns]

Yeah. I'd love to meet Ramsay. I mean, he. I think he'd hate me. I think he'd just be like, what's your deal? It slapped me about a bit. He'd point at something I'm wearing and he. And he'd go.

[Flight Announcement]

He'd go, but there you go.

[John Kearns]

Ice cream.

[Flight Announcement]

Well, you got your chocolate ice cream. You're not sold out.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, it's not sold out.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not closed.

[Flight Announcement]

You've got it. What?

[John Kearns]

The coffee vibe. What was that?

[Flight Announcement]

A coffee ice cream and a dark chocolate ice cream.

[Ed Gamble]

Chocolate ice cream.

[John Kearns]

Brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

Happy with that?

[John Kearns]

It's a really nice meal.

[Flight Announcement]

You love iced coffee.

[John Kearns]

So this is like a meal at school. Your favorite, your mates, like, you went, I can't wait to go around to their house.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Because, you know, matzo meal, flat fish liver and coffee. Yeah. I mean, the more I say it, the more I'm like, you know, you can give or take some of this.

[Flight Announcement]

But now what I've noticed has happened as well is that normally when we do these episodes, the normal episodes, we ask the guests what they're going to eat, and we don't know what they're going to eat. And as they're saying their courses, Benito will write it down in his notepad, and then at the end, he'll hand it to me so that I can read them their menu back and see how they feel about it. Now, obviously, with this one, I've got Miriam's menu written down in front of me, but I've noticed out the corner of my eye that Ben has still been writing the menu down as we go along and is literally teed up. He's about to hand it to me so I can read you your menu back, even though I have read you the menu throughout the whole episode and.

[John Kearns]

You'Ve got it in front of you here.

[Flight Announcement]

He's already in the rhythm of what it used to be like, we added drinks to it. So what's been to say that as well. But I don't. I don't think.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think we need to read the menu back.

[Flight Announcement]

But I love that.

[John Kearns]

Do you want me to read the menu?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Your Honor.

[Flight Announcement]

Yep.

[John Kearns]

Members of the jury, Gorilla James Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Sam Campbell, outside the castle.

[John Kearns]

Castle. Well, fantastic menu. Miriam Margulies, tasting menu. I had water with some still cucumber. Still cucumber. No, no.

[Ed Gamble]

That'S the way I want my cucumber. If you get a. If you get a fizzy one.

[John Kearns]

I like my water. I like. I like my cucumber like. I like my water still. I don't trust the moving cucumber. Imagine a cucumber. Just walk, you know, flew across the room now.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, yeah. You want to put that in your drink.

[John Kearns]

No. Where you saw a cucumber on the floor, you think someone's dropped.

[Ed Gamble]

That's why cats are scared of cucumbers.

[John Kearns]

Are they?

[Ed Gamble]

Because they think they're snakes.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

What's the Ken Dodd joke about cucumber gone? What a lovely day for sticking a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and saying, vicar, the Martians have landed. Frank Skinner's favorite joke. I mean, I'm told by Ken Dodd. Still with cucumber sliced, presumably?

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Some soda bread, brown bread, chopped liver with Panzers from Panzers with ikea. Round, crisp bread, chicken soup with matzo balls and carrots, celery and onion. Mummy's Fried Place with olive oil and matzo meal.

[Ed Gamble]

You got coffee with the liver, coffee, banana milkshake with a soup, banana milkshake.

[John Kearns]

Bobby's Fried place, olive oil, matzo meal, roast potatoes, small frozen peas. Specifying that they're Small and frozen. Small. What the. They're all the same size, aren't they? Braised celery, braised carrots, pineapp gravy, green salad, that Virgin Mary, no ice. I'm having ice. You can give me ice coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Narduli.

[Ed Gamble]

Happy with that, John?

[John Kearns]

I'm coming again. That's absolutely beautiful. It's. It's a really genuinely beautiful meal. I'm happy and I'm gonna bring people back.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, thank you very much for coming back for the. To the dream restaurant. And after you've paid the bill, there's a little rustling in the trees above you. Oh, yeah, it's gorilla time.

[Flight Announcement]

I hope you left a tip.

[Ed Gamble]

You're about to.

[John Kearns]

I mean, someone had to say it.

[Flight Announcement]

Taking a prison.

[Ed Gamble]

Thanks, John. Well, there we are. James. I think that actually. That's got legs.

[Flight Announcement]

That's got legs. That. That was good.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

I mean, look, we're saying that now, you know, it could be that the off menu Twitter account is just inundated with tweets being like, never ever do that again. I don't like.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think they will because it was nice chatting to John. Look, the format is even looser than it normally is.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's an excuse to chat to these people again.

[Flight Announcement]

It's nice to hear from John again, learn even more about him and his life and where his life is now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

And also just be reminded of Miriam's menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, exactly.

[Flight Announcement]

And how tasty that was.

[Ed Gamble]

Look, the hardcore are gonna love it.

[Flight Announcement]

Yeah, the hardcore are gonna love it. And any. There are gonna be some people who. That's the first episode they've ever listened to.

[Ed Gamble]

Crazy.

[Flight Announcement]

And they'll be like, oh, cool, I get it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Flight Announcement]

It's a podcast where they say to a guest, here's a meal that another celebrity likes. Would you like to eat? That seems cool to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Look, there's plenty of people that we want to get on again, so. Yeah, if you have any requests for people that you'd like to hear again, maybe do this format, get in contact with Bonito and he'll send you a signed chopping board.

[Flight Announcement]

He will. And also make sure you mention what guest menu you would like them to eat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, exactly. Don't forget John's special, the Varnishing Days is available on Sky. Thank you very much for listening to this new. It was like a pilot, wasn't it, James?

[Flight Announcement]

Yes, it was a pilot. And fingers crossed, we get a full series commission.

[Ed Gamble]

Bye.

[Flight Announcement]

Bye. And Verizon Podemos Aurorare Nel Samsung Galaxy S25 Plus Con Galaxy AI S25 Plus.

[Ed Gamble]

Nuevos.

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Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Welcome to Just A Couple Things. It's your sister, Jesse Wu. You may know me from Wild N Out, Dish Nation, All Blacks, A la Carte, and so many other platforms. Just A Couple Things is a podcast where we're dishing all things pop culture as well as comedic story times. Give my podcast a follow and make sure that you subscribe. Subscribe so you never miss out on an episode. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.