Ep 282: Ellie Taylor

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Episode 282: Ellie Taylor

Release Date: March 12, 2025

In Episode 282 of "Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster," host James Acaster welcomes the multifaceted comedian and actress Ellie Taylor to their whimsical Dream Restaurant. The episode, rich with humor, personal anecdotes, and creative culinary discussions, offers listeners an engaging journey through Ellie’s favorite dishes and her vibrant career.

---

1. Welcome and Introduction

[05:43] James Acaster:
"Welcome, Ellie, to the Dream Restaurant."

James Acaster sets the stage by introducing Ellie Taylor, commending her work on popular shows like "Ted Lasso" and her appearance on "Celebrity Gladiators." The hosts express their excitement about having Ellie as their guest, highlighting her dynamic presence and comedic prowess.

[05:45] Kristen:
"Wow, it's smaller than I thought."

The team humorously remarks on the Dream Restaurant’s intimate setting, emphasizing the personalized experience awaiting Ellie.

---

2. Ellie Taylor’s Upcoming Tour: "Palavering"

Ellie delves into her upcoming stand-up tour titled "Palavering," which is scheduled to commence in April. The hosts engage in playful wordplay, linking the tour’s name to Pavlov and Pavlova, creating a humorous blend that underscores Ellie's creative approach to comedy.

[04:03] James Acaster:
"Palavering starts in April. Go to ellietaylorcomedy.com for tickets."
(Timestamp adjusted for contextual flow)

Ellie emphasizes the uniqueness of her tour title and encourages listeners to attend, showcasing her dedication to her craft.

---

3. Crafting the Dream Menu

The heart of the episode revolves around Ellie selecting her dream meal from the restaurant's magical menu, guided by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. The discussion is structured into distinct courses, each revealing Ellie's personal tastes and playful quirks.

a. Pre-Drink Selection

Ellie opts for a sophisticated start with a double vodka Diet Coke (VDC) paired with Robinson's Fruit and Barley Orange and a Kia Royale. The conversation highlights her preference for maintaining classiness while injecting humor about her drink choices.

[16:18] Kristen:
"Double VDC, Diet Coke brewing in it. It's been my favorite drink since I was 16."
[16:30] James Acaster:
"Make it a bit cheeky."

b. Starter

Ellie chooses croquetas from Jose's accompanied by jamon and Comté cheese, reflecting her love for Spanish and French culinary delights. The discussion evolves into a light-hearted debate about ideal accompaniments and portioning rules.

[30:10] Kristen:
"I want croquetas from Jose. I also want jamon and Comté on the side."
[30:35] James Acaster:
"A good sauce to croquetas ratio is essential."

c. Main Course

Her main course selection is rigatoni with Phil's Special Sauce, a humorous creation that symbolizes the duo's ongoing banter about the authenticity and quality of homemade versus restaurant dishes. Ellie reflects on her love for Italian cuisine while jesting about never finding pasta better than homemade.

[41:08] Kristen:
"My favorite cuisine in the world is Italian. I love Italian food."
[41:25] James Acaster:
"Fresh pasta at home is unbeatable."

d. Side Dishes

Ellie's side dish includes an amusing combination of French bread with salted butter, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar, and potato skins reminiscent of TGI Fridays. The hosts engage in playful tactics about portion sizes and sharing etiquette, emphasizing the social aspect of dining.

[25:39] Kristen:
"I want some lovely, garlicky aioli with my croquetas."
[31:08] Elliet Taylor:
"Let them share freely to avoid awkwardness."

e. Desserts and Drinks

For dessert, Ellie selects a chocolate milkshake from the Boathouse at Shelley Beach, paired with Betty Crocker's icing, reflecting her sweet tooth and fond memories associated with specific treats. The conversation ventures into nostalgic territories, discussing favorite childhood cereals and the joy of indulging in favorite desserts.

[50:10] Kristen:
"My pudding is a chocolate milkshake from the Boathouse at Shelley Beach."
[54:41] James Acaster:
"Yorkshire puddings are fantastic when paired with good gravy."

---

4. Anecdotes and Personal Stories

Throughout the episode, Ellie shares personal stories that add depth to her culinary choices. From living at the prestigious Langham Hotel due to a visa mishap to amusing tales about her experiences on TV shows, Ellie’s narratives provide listeners with a glimpse into her life beyond the stage.

[10:29] Kristen:
"I lived at the Langham for a week like a rock star."
[22:00] Ellie Taylor:
"I have barley water in the foyer to keep things fresh."

The hosts and Ellie engage in humorous exchanges about everyday situations, such as grocery shopping and the quirks of different culinary traditions, enhancing the episode’s relatable and entertaining nature.

---

5. Humorous Banter and Interactions

The episode is peppered with witty exchanges and comedic improvisations between James Acaster and Ellie Taylor. From creating fictional characters like Nina Comte, the cheese ventriloquist to debating the merits of various cereals, the chemistry between the hosts keeps the conversation lively and engaging.

[36:16] Ellie Taylor:
"Nina Comte would be a good character, talking to different cheeses."
[37:18] Kristen:
"Do a ventriloquist with a French accent without moving your lips!"

These moments underscore the light-hearted and improvisational spirit of the podcast, making it enjoyable for both fans and newcomers.

---

6. Concluding the Dream Meal

As the meal selection concludes, Ellie successfully navigates the Dream Restaurant’s offerings without opting for the dreaded Pavlova, adhering to a playful rule set by the hosts. The final menu encapsulates her preferences and the humorous tone of the episode.

[79:40] James Acaster:
"Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Ellie."
[80:03] Ellie Taylor:
"Goodbye, everyone."

The episode wraps up with fond farewells and a reiteration of Ellie’s tour details, encouraging listeners to attend her "Palavering" stand-up shows.

---

7. Notable Quotes

• Ellie Taylor [05:58]:
  "I feel like I've seen her loads of watching all these shows that she's on."

• James Acaster [10:11]:
  "I love doing that. If I'm eating alone, sitting at the bar is good."

• Ellie Taylor [36:34]:
  "Nina Comte would be my new cheese ventriloquist act."

• Kristen [51:06]:
  "My favorite breakfast cereal of all time doesn't exist anymore. It was Kellogg's Start."

---

8. Final Thoughts

Episode 282 of "Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster" featuring Ellie Taylor is a delightful blend of humor, personal insights, and culinary creativity. Through engaging dialogues and amusing anecdotes, Ellie offers listeners a taste of her favorite dishes and shares glimpses into her life as a comedian and actress. The episode not only highlights the unique concept of the Dream Restaurant but also reinforces the camaraderie and wit that define the podcast.

Whether you’re a fan of Ellie Taylor, James Acaster, or simply enjoy inventive and humorous discussions about food, this episode serves as a scrumptious treat that’s both entertaining and memorable.

Transcript

[Ellie Taylor]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ellie Taylor]

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[Kristen]

I'm Kristen.

[Ellie Taylor]

And I'm Jen from the I Mom so Hard podcast. We don't want to brag, but yes, we are moms.

[Kristen]

We're average moms.

[Ellie Taylor]

Below average sometimes.

[James Acaster]

But we're not just moms.

[Ellie Taylor]

And we're not just supermodels either. We're not just pieces of meat. That's right. We're not even close.

[Kristen]

We are comedians and we're also best friends.

[Ellie Taylor]

We're also best selling authors and television writers. We created a viral web series with.

[Kristen]

Over 300 million views.

[Ellie Taylor]

What's up?

[Kristen]

Who's bragging?

[Ellie Taylor]

And we were in our swimsuits.

[James Acaster]

Again, not supermodels.

[Ellie Taylor]

We're also podcasters. Are we podcasting right now?

[Kristen]

Not right now, but we have been.

[Ellie Taylor]

Bringing laughs every Tuesday to women and moms everywhere. And one dude who's a sophomore in college.

[Kristen]

His name's Greg Whatever.

[Ellie Taylor]

He messaged us and Made me feel cool. So nice. Amazing. Please, please listen to the Am mom so hard podcast on Acast.

[Kristen]

Woo.

[Ellie Taylor]

Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

[James Acaster]

Welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the hard shell tacos of convers, adding the spiced mints of humor, topping with the guacamole and sour cream of friendship and the grated cheese of the Internet.

[Ellie Taylor]

Man, I'm hungry. That sounds delicious.

[James Acaster]

Taco night, baby. All El Peso.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's that gamble. My name is James, a guester. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invited a guest. We asked them their favorite ever start and make us dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Ellie Taylor.

[James Acaster]

The wonderful Ellie Taylor. Fantastic comedian, brilliant actor, loads of stuff. Always a great presenter as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

You've seen her on Mass Report, Ted Lasso. We watched her in the celebrity Gladiators on New Year's Eve.

[James Acaster]

Smashed it.

[Ellie Taylor]

We love Ellie. The week with Ellie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

In the day as well, I would say. Like, I don't think I've seen Ellie since we were doing the week together. That's insane.

[James Acaster]

That's mad.

[Ellie Taylor]

I feel like I've seen her loads of watching all these shows that she's on. Like. Yeah. So very much looking forward to having Ellie Taylor in the dream restaurant. However, if Ellie picks a secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week the secret ingredient is Pavlova.

[James Acaster]

Now, her new stand up tour that we would be chatting to Ellie about is called palavering. And that to me sounds a bit like Pavlov.

[Ellie Taylor]

Pavlovarin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Pavlovaring.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So that's a good title for you, your next show.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. It might be confused with any might take me to court.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's true. But that's good publicity for both of you.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's great publicity for both of us. So actually that's what my next tour is called. Pavlova.

[James Acaster]

Pavlova.

[Ellie Taylor]

You should all come and see it. But if Ellie chooses Pavlova, that's. It's bad.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Sure. It will be towards the end of the meal that she'll probably be kicked out unless she goes in for papadoms or bread. Or Pavlova.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Which you know, is a hack people can use. We're not against that.

[James Acaster]

I think I am against someone choosing Pavlova for Pavado's or bread.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, I don't know. I'd struggle To.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I know you would. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Do a cannabis mother on a pavlova. Turn it into an eaten mess. Lovely. But Palavering is Ellie's show.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ellie Taylor]

Which starts not Pavlovarin.

[James Acaster]

Palavering starts in April.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Touring all over the place. Go to ellietaylorcomedy.com for tickets. But we'll say that again at the end. Just enjoy the off menu menu of Ellie.

[Ellie Taylor]

Ellie Taylor.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Ellie, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Kristen]

Wow, it's smaller than I thought.

[Ellie Taylor]

Welcome, Ellie Taylor, to the Dream Restaurant. They spending you for some time? I didn't.

[Kristen]

And there's a lamp and everything.

[James Acaster]

There is a lamp and everything. Yes. No expense spared.

[Kristen]

You guys are doing all right for yourself.

[Ellie Taylor]

Pretty good lamp, right?

[Kristen]

Very, very plastic.

[James Acaster]

Yes, yes. Can you buy metal ones? I don't even know if you can buy metal. Buy metal one, I guess. A real one. I guess the thing that the thing is based on.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I would think so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I don't blue it because it's based.

[James Acaster]

On a thing, isn't it? Plastic.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Do you think the people who make like metal lamps even make ones that look like that now? Because, like, surely that's a cliche. They're like, this is to a lamp.

[James Acaster]

You can touch it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You can touch the lamp.

[Kristen]

Oh, it's light.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's my home you've got on your hands.

[Kristen]

I've done with there, James. Lovely soft furnishings.

[Ellie Taylor]

And while you're holding the lamp, I'm noticing your nails.

[Kristen]

Oh, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I very much like the color of your nails.

[Kristen]

I've gone one hand green, one hand lilac. I would say.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. One hand green, one hand lilac.

[James Acaster]

James has recently been taught how to talk to ladies. Oh, well done. Which is why he said the color of your nails.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes. Well, actually, no. If I was really a lad who had been taught the color of your nails are nice, not many people go for ugly colors. That's very brave of you.

[Kristen]

I am infuriated.

[Ellie Taylor]

No, no. You're supposed to be attracted to me. No, it's backfired. You came in wearing those colors as well because I said to you when you came in, oh, my God, I did the joker.

[Kristen]

I did. I've got a purple hat and a green coat.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Ed wasn't here for it, but I went the joker.

[James Acaster]

Another wonderful compliment. You look like a psychopath.

[Kristen]

Thank you.

[Ellie Taylor]

Thank you so much. Comedian joker, you know.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Ye. Yeah. True. The true joker.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Why not? Why not? Thanks, James. Thanks for noticing. I had a manicure the other day, which is rare.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen]

So I appreciate that.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's good. How often do you have a manicure, then?

[Kristen]

He's really trying it.

[James Acaster]

Don't lie, isn't he?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Well, it's a really good question, actually. I would say when I've ever got telly stuff, that I need to look like, you know, like I'm not a woman who's found in a hedge, that sort of thing. Whenever I need to look groomed.

[Ellie Taylor]

So our podcast counts.

[Kristen]

I wouldn't say that this was the reason I got it done, but it's a lovely accident. Is it?

[James Acaster]

You can say it's the reason you got it done.

[Kristen]

It's the reason I got it done.

[James Acaster]

A lot of people get quite glam for our pod.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Benito's got a few cams up now, I've noticed. It's gonna get you.

[Kristen]

It's not my good side, I'll be honest. Yeah, no, my other side's better.

[James Acaster]

Do you want to turn around, back to the mic?

[Kristen]

Fine.

[Ellie Taylor]

No, sorry, I have to.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Face this.

[James Acaster]

When we welcomed you into the dream restaurant, you said it was smaller than you expected.

[Kristen]

It is, yeah.

[James Acaster]

What is your dream restaurant size?

[Kristen]

Well, it's going to be different depending on what course I'm having.

[James Acaster]

Oh, lovely.

[Kristen]

And I've never used this word in a sentence before, and I hope I'm using it correctly. It's peripatetic. Is that right?

[James Acaster]

I don't know. I don't think I know that word.

[Kristen]

Moves around.

[Ellie Taylor]

It moves around. Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it moves around.

[James Acaster]

I didn't know that because when you said you got halfway through it, and I thought we were having Nando's Peripetty.

[Kristen]

Peripatetic. Correct.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Moves around.

[Ellie Taylor]

I had a drum teacher who was peripatetic. Peripatetic.

[James Acaster]

Well, I'm very pathetic.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're very pathetic, Perry.

[Kristen]

Pathetic.

[James Acaster]

I wasn't in here just now.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're very pathetic.

[Kristen]

Right, yeah, it's gonna move around. That's what I've decided.

[Ellie Taylor]

Sorry, we're squabbling. That's it. So it's the first Peri. Peri. Pathetic restaurant we've had, is it? I think so.

[Kristen]

Do people always say in one place?

[Ellie Taylor]

No, but they don't. Like, yours is specifically like an accordion, kind of like change in sizes by the time?

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. So the first one is, I want to have a drink at a nice fancy bar.

[James Acaster]

I would say this is good because we're not into the main menu yet. Yeah, but you are one of the few who's talked About a pre drink before going into the.

[Kristen]

One of the best bits, the anticipation of going for a lovely dinner.

[James Acaster]

But it probably should be an option we offer. Yeah, really, that's true. Do you want to go for a drink beforehand?

[Kristen]

100%.

[Ellie Taylor]

But then I like when people do the hacks, you know, it makes me respect that it came from them. They've hacked the system because otherwise, the amount of questions we've got to ask them. Otherwise.

[James Acaster]

But then if we're worried about it not being. It's Ellie's thing. So why don't we say the question can be, do you want to go for a drink with Eddie Taylor first?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, that could be a question.

[James Acaster]

It's a new format for everyone. For everyone.

[Kristen]

But then that's quite brutal on me, isn't it, that I'm not sure my confidence is that it's that high. I can go with that. Just to drink. Just a drink beforehand.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

With a nice person.

[James Acaster]

With a nice person. Ellie Taylor.

[Ellie Taylor]

And maybe when we're having this pre drink.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Would you be talking to them about maybe your upcoming tour? Palavering.

[Kristen]

That's all I talk about at the moment. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

My daughter loves it. Six year old. Yeah. I am James. I am going on tour.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Thank you for bringing in. We're in the bar. What's the bar look like for the pre trip?

[Kristen]

Do you know? Just because it's the one I went to the most recently. Do you know the bar at the Langham? Fancy hotel in London. It's very dark.

[Ellie Taylor]

I lived there for a week when someone fucked up my Visa.

[Kristen]

True story.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's true.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Yeah. So somebody was working for me at the time. Messed up my Visa. I'd arranged to have builders in my flat while I was away in America, so I couldn't go home.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

So I had to live in the Langham for a week like a rock star. Like before the Culkin, I guess. Yeah. They put me up there to say sorry.

[Kristen]

That's quite a good sorry.

[Ellie Taylor]

So then I lived there for a week. In the Langham?

[Kristen]

Well, you know the bar very well then.

[Ellie Taylor]

I know the bar.

[James Acaster]

How often were you in the bar, Mickey?

[Ellie Taylor]

24. 7. I was in my room the same amount of time most people are in the bar.

[Kristen]

Did you like living there?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, I did actually, but only because I knew it was only for a week, so it was a laugh. Got a massage.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God, I want someone to mess up my Visa.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's the oldest woman I've ever met. Gave me a Massage. It was absolutely brilliant.

[Kristen]

Was she powerful?

[Ellie Taylor]

She was very powerful, yeah. How tiny? Almost like steel.

[James Acaster]

She wasn't so tiny. She couldn't get above you.

[Ellie Taylor]

What the hell this guy.

[James Acaster]

Well, you said she was the tiniest.

[Ellie Taylor]

Old woman you've ever mode.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

She could get above me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

That's what you want? Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

That sounds like a lovely way.

[Ellie Taylor]

She was in demand, that lady as well. Bloody bet everyone was talking about it.

[Kristen]

Oh, now I want to go, right, I've had a massage at the Langham, now I'm going to the bar.

[James Acaster]

Oh, good. Yeah. So you want the tight. The tiny old woman.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I don't want to get rid, actually. Yeah, like. And the getting ready for dinner is also lovely. I want to get ready and look all fancy.

[James Acaster]

That's nice.

[Kristen]

And then I'm going to the bar. But I'm sitting. I really like sitting at the bar. That's my favourite place to sit. And in a restaurant, actually, if there's a bar seat optional, I always go there. Is that what you would do?

[James Acaster]

I love doing that. If I'm eating alone as well. Sitting at the bar is good.

[Kristen]

What about if you're not alone? Cause I still. I love doing that with my husband.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. When it's two of you.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

More than two.

[Kristen]

Oh, nightmare.

[Ellie Taylor]

What?

[Kristen]

Bad husband.

[James Acaster]

More than two husbands.

[Kristen]

Nightmare.

[Ellie Taylor]

I've made a fool of myself.

[James Acaster]

No offense to anyone out there with two husbands.

[Ellie Taylor]

I was negging someone for no reason earlier.

[Kristen]

Oh, you wasted it. It's good pract. Hey, he doesn't have to always be a husband, James. There are options.

[Ellie Taylor]

There are options. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone necks you hard enough.

[James Acaster]

Necks, yeah.

[Kristen]

That's how it works. That's the lesson I tell my daughter.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you having the drink at the bar with your husband or joining with the masseuse that I mentioned earlier? She can come up and have a drink with you. No, she's too little.

[Kristen]

She probably wouldn't be able to reach at the stool yet. So she's not.

[James Acaster]

Everyone went for that. Everyone raised for that joke.

[Kristen]

I'm going to go with my husband. Yeah. He can sit next to me. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

And he's saying, so, Ellie, tell me about this tour.

[Kristen]

Why haven't you paid attention? I've been talking about it for a bloody year. Yeah. I'm going on tour in April and May this year around the UK with my show palavering. Nice, lovely bit of stand up. I haven't been on tour for about, I think about five years. Getting back out there doing stand up comedy in inverted commas.

[James Acaster]

So.

[Ellie Taylor]

Looking forward to it.

[Kristen]

Yeah, look, I'm looking forward to it. I'm a bit like. I just can't. I can't. I can't imagine what it will be like to be like away from home, you know, and all of that malarkey and traveling around. But I'm looking forward to it.

[James Acaster]

I bet it'd be lovely, actually.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it will be nice. But you know what my aim is, because when I've been on tour before, I do not. This, this is all based from listening to lots of your podcasts. I was like, I bet when you guys go on tour, you make an effort to go to the lovely restaurants around you. And I never do that. I get a Wagamamas or a Nando's delivered to the theater.

[James Acaster]

I do that.

[Kristen]

Do you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So James is better at going to the restaurants, I think.

[Ellie Taylor]

I think you go. You'll take.

[James Acaster]

Now and again, if there's someone. Somewhere I really want to go and we've got the time. So we're like in the same area of the country or we're staying in one hotel and there's loads of cities around that we're going to. We'll have a lunch and a nice restaurant. But if it's like night to night, different places, Nando's in the dressing room.

[Kristen]

Yeah, just convenient.

[James Acaster]

It's very convenient. And you know, it'll be pretty good. But yeah, now and again, I'd say a couple of times, a tour, fancy restaurant for lunch.

[Kristen]

I need to try and do that because I never ever do that.

[James Acaster]

But you got to write off the show in the evening pretty much.

[Kristen]

Oh, don't say that. Why? Drink in there? That's why.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Only.

[James Acaster]

Only like maybe one, one to two glasses of wine.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

But then actually when we have done that, the shows end up being pretty good because we're so like wired and like Lucy Goosey. Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Not me. Look, anyone who saw me in Leeds on, I think it was the third or fourth night of my last tour. Cause I was there for a bit. Sorry, that was bad. I was full.

[James Acaster]

Where did you go?

[Ellie Taylor]

I went to Ox Club.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Intended to have one thing, but then they sent over, they were like, you got to have this starter. It's so good. So I had the starter and because it was so good, I was like, right on. This is a free course meal now because the place is like quality. And they had a baked Alaska.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Which that's the rule. If they got a Baked Alaska.

[Kristen]

Is that the rule?

[Ellie Taylor]

You got to get it.

[Kristen]

I didn't know that was the rule.

[James Acaster]

That's the rule.

[Kristen]

I don't think I've. I can't think I've ever seen baked Alaska on a menu.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's why I don't know the rules. And you never got it.

[James Acaster]

There's always one on at the Ox Club, isn't there?

[Ellie Taylor]

There's always a different flavored also. They do a different one each time. So every time I've sent someone, they've gone and got the baked Alaska. It was, you know, this ice cream. I was like, this is great. I can get behind this. A different baked Alaska every day.

[Kristen]

Me too. Crikey, I love dessert. James, you'll be pleased to know I'm so glad.

[James Acaster]

Good. You can relax instantly.

[Ellie Taylor]

Relaxed again.

[Kristen]

Our marriage is looking really possible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well. Yeah, well, yeah.

[Kristen]

Don't mess me around.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, sure.

[James Acaster]

If she's going to get rid of the husband.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I've got to replace it at least.

[James Acaster]

You know, stay on husband level.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, you'll stay married.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay. Well, you're gonna be my first ever wife.

[Kristen]

That's lovely. How do you feel about that? Would you like a wife?

[Ellie Taylor]

No.

[Kristen]

No.

[Ellie Taylor]

But, you know, I understand that if I'm breaking up a marriage.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I should probably the decent step off to the plate and get married.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

What are you having?

[Kristen]

Well, there's three drinks actually. So I'm sitting at the bar.

[Ellie Taylor]

Right.

[James Acaster]

You're getting hammered before you get.

[Ellie Taylor]

Absolutely.

[Kristen]

Well, no, because one of them is non alcoholic.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Kristen]

So I want in a. First of all, I want a really heavy crystal fat glass like you get in like Soho House. You know, they've got real good weight to it. And I want a double vocal Diet Coke.

[James Acaster]

I love that. We're in the Langham bar. We've got a lovely glass, double vodka.

[Kristen]

Diet Coke brewing in it. My husband despairs about that. It's been my favorite drink since I was like 16. And it's not changed. I'm very loyal to VDC.

[James Acaster]

Is that. So that's your standard going out?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Double vdc.

[James Acaster]

Well, dvdc.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Oh, and I also. I love Diet Coke. So it's like my. I think it's unusual to have your favorite drink that you can alcoholize. Do you know what I mean? Like ramp it up.

[James Acaster]

You can have it all day.

[Kristen]

Yeah. And then from day to night.

[James Acaster]

Make it a bit cheeky. Make it a bit cheeky.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

I love a vdc. So I'M having that. And I also want Robinson's fruit and barley orange. Now, there's a lot of squash chat on this podcast, but I haven't heard anyone talking about barley water.

[James Acaster]

No, we haven't really talked about barley water.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Which is a sort of side, I would say a sort of a slight tangent off regular squash. I don't know what it is. Yeah, I know, but it's got barley in it and it's really like smooth and delicious. I would really. I'd really recommend it.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. I remember the first time I had a lemon barley when I was a kid and it blew my mind.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Nice and acidic. Got a bit of tang.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really nice.

[Ellie Taylor]

We have talked about barley water before. This is crazy.

[Kristen]

I'm so excited. I'm the first one who's going for a pre drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Let's get the party started.

[Ellie Taylor]

So what do you have in this, like barley water in your day to day life? Is that pretty regular?

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah. I've probably had like three already today.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. 23 minutes past 12 for the listener.

[James Acaster]

Alcoholized barley water.

[Kristen]

I haven't, but you could, I suppose.

[James Acaster]

You can do it with anything, I guess.

[Kristen]

What would you do? Add a bit of vodka in it, I think.

[James Acaster]

Vodka? Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

If in doubt, vodka. Yeah, Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

A double nubbin. You.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Gin actually might work better with a lemon. With a lemon barley water.

[Kristen]

I don't want lemon, I want orange. Okay, thank you.

[James Acaster]

Vodka then.

[Kristen]

Yeah, Body is. I'll try that. I'll try that. And I also want. Because I'm at the Lang and I want to keep it classy. I want to have a Kia Royale.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Kristen]

Love a Kira. I will just say essentially when I was thinking about this, it's like putting squash in a champagne, isn't it? It's like alcoholic Robina.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

So what I've done is. Yeah, another.

[James Acaster]

Another barley water, squash. Really? Yeah. I'd say it's too late when you've gone and gone into the Langham and said, double vodka, diet coke, orange, barley water to then go. But I'm keeping it classy.

[Kristen]

I was gonna say. I'd whisper the first two, but. No, I'm not ashamed.

[James Acaster]

No, you shouldn't be.

[Kristen]

No, I'm not ashamed.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And I'll say I'd be ashamed of.

[James Acaster]

Ordering three drinks maybe, but do you haven't.

[Kristen]

I wouldn't actually in real life do three, but I might do two.

[James Acaster]

But this isn't real life, so fine, fuck it.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, it's to me. I never spoke about it on the podcast before, but you believe all this real life? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When you're in this situation, you've got the three drinks. Are you ordering them one by one or you're ordering them all at the same time? And if so, are you. One sip, One sip, One sip. Or are you whole thing, Whole thing, whole thing.

[Kristen]

I'd probably chug the barley water. I need to be rehydrated because I've had the massage.

[James Acaster]

Yes, of course.

[Kristen]

You know what I mean.

[James Acaster]

Because they say that at the end of a massage, don't you make sure you drink all your barley water?

[Kristen]

Yeah, that's what I always say.

[Ellie Taylor]

We have barley water in the foyer. Hello.

[Kristen]

You up there drinking barley water, Minnie Mouse?

[James Acaster]

The old lady.

[Ellie Taylor]

All right, that's what she sounded like. He's right.

[James Acaster]

Thanks, man.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, she sounded like that. Mr. Hankey. Sorry, were you. One sip, once it. Once it.

[Kristen]

No, I'd go chug barley water, probably have a good glug of the VDC dvdc. Then I'd sip the Kia royale like a classy, classy lady. That's what I do.

[Ellie Taylor]

But you're not going back and forth between the drinks. You're doing one at a time.

[Kristen]

I might dip back into the vdc. It's hard to say, you know, it depends what my mood is.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Are you talking to the bar person?

[Kristen]

Yeah, probably. We're just having a little bit of chat and he's probably like, oh, my God, she's the most polite person I've ever had in my bar. Yeah, yeah, that sort of.

[Ellie Taylor]

You pride yourself on that.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I do try really hard. Do you really? Do you do that? I try really hard to like. Yeah, but like overly to like until it's annoying.

[Ellie Taylor]

Right?

[Kristen]

Yeah, that sort of thing. Do you tidy up in hotel rooms?

[Ellie Taylor]

No, no.

[Kristen]

Oh, when I leave, I try to tidy up so they think I'm the best guest they've ever had.

[James Acaster]

Do you?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Normally we start with still a sparkling water after your free drink. So you have in a still sparkling water?

[Kristen]

Yeah, why not? In for a penny, in for spending a penny.

[Ellie Taylor]

Are we changing location for still and sparkling water?

[Kristen]

I don't think there's any.

[James Acaster]

Well, I guess we're in the.

[Ellie Taylor]

In the main.

[James Acaster]

In the restaurant now.

[Kristen]

In the restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Because I thought we were in the Langham bar for the drink and we've not yet gone to the dream restaurant.

[Kristen]

Okay, so we're going. Okay, fine. Then we're going to the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And. Yeah, we've Moved, you know Jose down Bermsey Street.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Kristen]

So I used to live just off Bermondsey Street. Quite cool.

[James Acaster]

Great place to live.

[Kristen]

Jose was our little local that we would go to too much, and I love it. And it's like my. It's my favorite restaurant in London, so I'm going there. That's what I'm going for. My. For my first little bit.

[James Acaster]

Amazing. Are you sitting at the bar there? Because you can sit at the bar there.

[Kristen]

You can sit at the bar. You can anywhere sort of perchy there. Because it's very small and they don't take reservations.

[James Acaster]

Stand by a barrel.

[Kristen]

Stand by a barrel. I would like to sit down, though. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't understand. I'm sure it's very trendy and traditionally Spanish, but I'm not standing next to a barrel while I eat.

[Kristen]

I mean, I could cope with. I could have a barley water on a barrel, but I don't want to, you know, I don't have a ham on. Yeah, come on now.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Have some decorum.

[Ellie Taylor]

Barley water. Barley water.

[James Acaster]

A lot of us comedians will do that process in our heads, huh?

[Kristen]

I'm enjoying the working hours.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

People like seeing them work it out.

[Kristen]

How the sausages are made.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And the barley water sausages are made.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. That's. That's my. My torture. My tor. Show is called how the Sausages make.

[James Acaster]

It probably will be something you do next.

[Ellie Taylor]

Just me thinking out loud how to put the joke together.

[James Acaster]

Someone heckles. No, it's not that one. No. You can't haggle at this one.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, don't haggle at this one.

[James Acaster]

That was the last one.

[Ellie Taylor]

Dog's rolls are over, motherfucker.

[James Acaster]

This is how the sausage is made.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you have instiller. Sparkling is the question on your perch. Do you want a proper perch, like a budgie?

[Kristen]

No, I've had too much vdc, so I'll fall off.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

If I'm just by myself, I'll probably just go for tap because I'm humble. But if I'm with anyone else, I'll probably go for sparkling. I feel like sparkling is more of an occasion.

[James Acaster]

So if you're with someone else. But is that because it's an occasion or is that because you are trying to project an image of someone who likes sparkling water?

[Kristen]

No, I think it's because it's more of an occasion. Feels like, wow. Because I'd never have sparkling water at home. Like, wow, this is an event.

[James Acaster]

Is your husband still with you then, at this point?

[Kristen]

Yeah, he can stay with me? Yeah, yeah, he's all right.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you're doing it for them?

[Kristen]

Just for the occasion, I think.

[Ellie Taylor]

But it sounds like you're in the same place either way. If they're not there, you're getting the tap.

[Kristen]

But it's not an occasion if I'm by myself. It's just me having. Me having some dinner, bit of tea.

[James Acaster]

I love eating out alone.

[Kristen]

Do you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's an occasion.

[James Acaster]

That is an occasion.

[Kristen]

Would you go to a fancy restaurant by yourself?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I have done. Many times.

[Kristen]

I've never gone to a fancy restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Fantastic.

[Kristen]

Although I did go to a nice hotel, actually. Actually, I did. Had a gig on Friday night in a fancy hotel and I did. I had some nice salmon and a kia royale by myself next to the pianist.

[James Acaster]

And how did that feel?

[Ellie Taylor]

Next to the pianist?

[Kristen]

Yeah, next to the pianist.

[James Acaster]

Were you talking to the pianist?

[Kristen]

No, he was busy working.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Playing away, going like someone stinks a fish. Where's that coming from?

[Kristen]

Why is she sitting on my stool?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Where's that come from?

[James Acaster]

Why is she perching on the piano?

[Ellie Taylor]

Looked inside his grand piano.

[James Acaster]

You're there chugging barley water.

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay. So you have got someone with you. So you're having the sparkling water. It's an occasion.

[Kristen]

Yeah, why not? We're doing that.

[Ellie Taylor]

And you got nothing in the sparkling water. It's just.

[Kristen]

Well, if I've got some barley water in my bag, I suppose I could top it out.

[James Acaster]

I love that.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you're still in the Bali train?

[Kristen]

I'll do that at home sometimes if I've got like a bit of. Yeah, like Canneside water. Something summer put a bit of ice in.

[Ellie Taylor]

So we say it's in your bag.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

If you've got the bottle in there or one of those little squeezy pouches.

[Kristen]

I don't think they do that with barley water.

[Ellie Taylor]

They're not very.

[James Acaster]

You've obviously looked into that.

[Kristen]

Well, yeah, I've never seen it and I'm very familiar with the squash aisles, thank you very much.

[Ellie Taylor]

You can microdose with that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

What the.

[Ellie Taylor]

Right.

[Kristen]

In your mouth.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Or eye drops or whatever you want to do. However you want to do it.

[James Acaster]

It isn't an eyedropper, basically, isn't it?

[Ellie Taylor]

You could basically do an eyedropper with that.

[Kristen]

Double strength, like. Yeah. Fruit and barley.

[Ellie Taylor]

I can't arrest Thompson to do that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Wow.

[Ellie Taylor]

I could if it was made now, here and loathing in Las Vegas. It'd be like. Got the barley water. I dropped it in my Eyes. Can't do the voice?

[James Acaster]

No. Can you give it a go?

[Ellie Taylor]

No.

[James Acaster]

I got shy, I got shy.

[Ellie Taylor]

I got shy on that one. Pop dumps or bread? Pop dumbs or bread? Ellie Taylor. Pop dumbs or bread?

[Kristen]

I am going to say bread because I think poppadoms are weird. Unless you're in a poppadom situation.

[James Acaster]

Poppadom situation, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good name for an Indian restaurant though. Yeah, the poppadom situation.

[Kristen]

I love a poppadom situation. Don't get me wrong, but I don't think there's room for that in just sort of a bread based scenario.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I want some nice, like French bread. I want it to be warm and I want a lot of salty, salty butter. Also I would like. I've just decided this. Some olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to dippy dip. I want both options there.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Ellie Taylor]

You've only just decided that, though.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I just did that on the.

[Ellie Taylor]

Spray at the moment on the way here. You weren't thinking.

[Kristen]

No, I wasn't thinking, no.

[Ellie Taylor]

What happened? What changed?

[Kristen]

Dream restaurants. Do you know what I mean? It just changes. It changes everything.

[Ellie Taylor]

Change how you feel.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's parasitic.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Peripatetic.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Plus about that vdc.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

VDC does sound like you're ill. It sounds like you've got something wrong with you.

[Kristen]

Arguably you are. If you order that as a drink and then I have to be.

[James Acaster]

It's because it starts with vd, right?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes, it's because it starts with vd.

[Kristen]

I've never noticed.

[Ellie Taylor]

I couldn't put my finger on it. But yeah. You saying I've got this VDC and all this, I'm like, this doesn't feel like an occasion anymore.

[Kristen]

Oh, it does to me.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's still an occasion. It's not a happy one.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah. It's not. Not the happiest of occasions.

[Kristen]

Not when you're bringing in. Is it a genital disease?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, I think. I think, yeah. It's sexually transmitted venereal disease. Venereal, yeah. You don't really hear the term venereal.

[Kristen]

As often these days. It's fun. Or peripatetic?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, no, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'd never heard that. The other one plenty of times.

[Ellie Taylor]

As.

[James Acaster]

I was being bawdy.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Will you say French bread?

[Kristen]

French bread.

[Ellie Taylor]

Baguette.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

We've got to ask you if you go and get a baguette from a bakery in Paris and then you're walking home with it, you biting the top off of it on the way home, obviously I am.

[Kristen]

You gotta nibble the knob.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you gotta nibble.

[Kristen]

If you don't. I can't imagine that's a real personality type if you don't. Isn't it?

[Ellie Taylor]

Like.

[Kristen]

I just couldn't resist.

[James Acaster]

It's. Is it even restraint? Because I don't think anyone has the level of restraint where you. You don't bite the top off.

[Kristen]

No one. Normal.

[James Acaster]

So it must just be people who just. It doesn't occur to them.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then what the fuck is wrong with those people?

[Kristen]

God knows.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Don't trust them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Your character and Ted Lasso biting the knob off or whatever it was, whatever you said.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It wasn't biting the knob off.

[Kristen]

Well, she might. Who knows?

[Ellie Taylor]

But she would if she got the baguette from the bakery.

[Kristen]

Yeah, of course she would.

[James Acaster]

I think anyone would.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Not anyone there. Some very restrained people.

[Kristen]

I think they've got to be in the minority. And they're probably psychopaths.

[James Acaster]

They're not worth knowing, really.

[Kristen]

No. Would you do it if you were just in, like an English supermarket and you bought a baguette for lunch?

[James Acaster]

No. I don't know. Because quite often they're not like warm or they don't have that top rings really soft at the top. But also then I just feel like a little kid in the trolley eating the food on the way around the supermarket.

[Ellie Taylor]

Don't you always feel like that, though?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but also in your heart.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're the little kid in the trolley.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but I don't think I was ever allowed to do that. I was never allowed to eat, eat stuff on the way around.

[Kristen]

I do that now if I'm shopping. Bit hungry or. Where does I open the packet?

[Ellie Taylor]

Chris, who's pushing the trolley?

[Kristen]

I'll do it one handed.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, sorry, I thought you were in the seat.

[James Acaster]

You know, in the seat, scooting, using your legs to scoot along.

[Kristen]

Is that what you said?

[James Acaster]

Like Fred Flint.

[Kristen]

All right, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now, you could do that now.

[Ellie Taylor]

Like a centaur.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But half human, half trolley.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. As a trolley.

[Kristen]

That is a character, Nani I was missing, isn't it? Wow.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Walk around, grazing. Just chuck the food over its shoulder into the trolley every time.

[James Acaster]

That's a good idea for a character, man.

[Ellie Taylor]

Go on stage. That's my next tour. How the sausage is made. But I've got a trolley on my back. Half. I'm walking around with that.

[James Acaster]

With how the sausage is made. You would have come up with that character during the show.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like A centaur. But backhouse is like a trolley and you could do, like a thing. But Benito, can you go get a trolley, please?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you are there.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, you're there on the tour. Don't protest that. Your dream starter. Unless there's another hack coming our way.

[Kristen]

Well, I suppose. Well, is all of the items being cheese and ham based? Is that a hack?

[Ellie Taylor]

No, that's not a hack, but it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's very cool.

[James Acaster]

I respect it hugely. I'm so on board with it.

[Kristen]

So I want croquetas from. That's the only way you can say it. From Joseph.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Kristen]

I want jamon. Croquetas.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I also want jamon. I also. I. But I don't like. Because Jose is Spanish. I don't really rate Spanish cheeses. There, I've said it. But I do like a French cheese, so I'd like some compti on the side. I also just. Have I said just jamon by itself.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes.

[Kristen]

I'll say it again. And I also want. And I only thought of this recently when I was thinking, what do I really love. And I have lovely memories as a kid of going to TGI Fridays for like a birthday or something. And you get the potato skins with cheese and ham in. Yeah, And I want those too.

[James Acaster]

I love those.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God, they're so delicious.

[Ellie Taylor]

I made too many of them as a. When I was. When I was working in kitchens, I I. That people order them all the time because they're delicious. Yeah, yeah, sure. But I hated making them. I hated putting the cold ham into the. There's also. When you see the cold potato skins, you'll never want to go near them ever again. They're gross. And then you put the cold ham in it, put the cheese on it and put it under the grill and the whole thing is just like really rank when it's cold. So I'm just put off every eating it, even when it's warm.

[Kristen]

You've seen that the sausages are made, James.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, man, she's done.

[Kristen]

It's all coming back.

[Ellie Taylor]

I've seen other sausages made and now you can't eat it.

[Kristen]

Oh, no.

[Ellie Taylor]

Horrible.

[Kristen]

But delicious. As a punter.

[James Acaster]

Is this a burn the roof of your mouth off with them every time?

[Kristen]

Yes, please.

[Ellie Taylor]

It doesn't sound good.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it is.

[James Acaster]

It's part of it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You like it. Blend the roof of your mouth off.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Same with croquette. Croquetas.

[Kristen]

And I also want. With croquetas.

[Ellie Taylor]

I'm enjoying it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

That's all I've got. I want some, like, lovely, like, garlicky, some yummy aioli with it. Something. But I want a good sauce to croquetus ratio.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

I don't like it when they're stingy. And also I want them to take a note of how many people are at the table and give me a number that I can divide. Do you know what I mean? Do not give me three when there's two of us.

[James Acaster]

Yes, I completely agree.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's make that a law.

[Kristen]

It should be a law. Thanks.

[Ellie Taylor]

If you're listening.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I think it's out of order when there's four of you and they bring three along.

[Kristen]

Ridiculous. That was very ridiculous.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's like something. I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this. You want some time away from it. But it's like something the producers of the Traitors would put into the game to divide people and turn them against each other.

[James Acaster]

The croquettes.

[Ellie Taylor]

Let's send them free when there's four of them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

And see their true colors come out. And they'll start turning on each other.

[Kristen]

There we go.

[Ellie Taylor]

Nothing more.

[Kristen]

That's next series of the traits.

[James Acaster]

The tapas rules. The next big question.

[Ellie Taylor]

The Tapas. Welcome to the tapas.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

I just think there's nothing more pathetic when there's like three of you and you have to. Oh, should we chop this one into three?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

No one wants that. Everyone wants it.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But you do need to. There needs to be a ruling, though.

[Kristen]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

With what's happening to that last crocodile.

[Kristen]

Because if you just went for it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that.

[Kristen]

I'd think about that forever. If someone just did that.

[James Acaster]

You can't chop it into three. The ruling needs to be you two share that one. And then the next thing that comes, if there's a division issue, then I get priority.

[Kristen]

That's nice.

[James Acaster]

And we're all having a nice time.

[Ellie Taylor]

I like to just say that that person just gets it. Just. Just give it to someone else. Anyone but me.

[Kristen]

Oh, really? Because it's too awkward for you to have it.

[Ellie Taylor]

I just. I just can't be bothered with the whole conversation. Just give it to that person.

[Kristen]

Right.

[James Acaster]

Or can we shout out, being adults, Just order another portion.

[Kristen]

That's blowing my mind.

[James Acaster]

Right?

[Ellie Taylor]

What? Big man.

[James Acaster]

We're grown ups.

[Ellie Taylor]

Big man.

[James Acaster]

We can do that if we want.

[Kristen]

We could actually do that, couldn't we? Yeah, but sometimes you don't want a whole portion. You just want one extra one for The.

[James Acaster]

I beg your pardon?

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay, you've never seen a kid. You've never seen a kid go, should we get another portion? Yeah, because we're grown ups, kids can't go. Anyone else get another portion? Let's just get another portion.

[Kristen]

Get a few bits.

[Ellie Taylor]

Let's just get another portion.

[James Acaster]

Kiss me for the table.

[Ellie Taylor]

Imagine that. Imagine having a kid that was like, you've got kids. Imagine one of the kids that you go out as a family and one of the kids turns to you and goes, would you get an abortion?

[James Acaster]

You know what you'd be like?

[Ellie Taylor]

What?

[Kristen]

I would love that.

[James Acaster]

I would love it. Or put them up for adoption. I don't know which one it would be.

[Kristen]

No, you would love that, Ed.

[James Acaster]

What if suddenly we don't have kids? My kid went, should we get something for the tape?

[Kristen]

You would be delighted.

[Ellie Taylor]

Let's put this one up for adoption.

[Kristen]

When they say.

[James Acaster]

Funny.

[Kristen]

When they say things that you don't expect. I found a video of my daughter on my phone. She's six and she was just sort of doing a report to their camera. This is me at home with mummy and daddy. And she sort of went, and it's going to be Saturday and I love all my friends and. And then she paused and went, stay connected, peeps.

[Ellie Taylor]

And then did a little saloon.

[James Acaster]

See, that's good.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is it.

[Kristen]

Now it makes you laugh, but they.

[Ellie Taylor]

All watch YouTube too much.

[Kristen]

She doesn't watch YouTube, so I don't know where she's got that from.

[Ellie Taylor]

I was talking to some friends and their kid, like every time they get hold of their mum's phone, just walks around making like YouTube videos, even though they're not going to be uploaded anywhere, right? And they did one, like sneaking into their dad's, the room where he like builds Lego and stuff, this guy. And the kid was acting like it was like, okay, people, here we are. And at one point he went, oh my God, I just shit my ass.

[James Acaster]

Our friend's kid, she did a poo on her potty and then turned to her dad and went, present in there for you.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's amazing.

[Kristen]

That's not true.

[Ellie Taylor]

How old are that? How old's the kid?

[James Acaster]

She's like two.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh my God, he must have laughed at that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Ellie Taylor]

Present in there for you. Amazing.

[Kristen]

My favourite thing my daughter said when she was about three, there was a firework that went off and she looked at me and went, excuse you, Mummy.

[James Acaster]

Good stuff.

[Kristen]

Funny.

[Ellie Taylor]

Then he james, good.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

All right, well, maybe if I had a kid who went did you get another portion for the table?

[Ellie Taylor]

I'd be on board also, I don't think if we're being realistic, I don't think Ed could have any other type of kid who did. Yeah, Ed's kid would definitely turn out like that.

[Kristen]

Well, if your kid's a picky eater, if you had them and they were really picky.

[James Acaster]

Hello, Adoption.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Well, you were picky as a kid. No, you would. You only have stuff from the adults. You want stuff from the kids menu.

[James Acaster]

That's not picky. That's the opposite of picky.

[Kristen]

Were you like, mummy, can I have some mussels?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes. Yeah.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, yes. He would order the picker's basket. He was very, very strict about what.

[James Acaster]

He had the picker's basket from the brasserie.

[Ellie Taylor]

From the brasserie.

[Kristen]

What's the picker's basket?

[James Acaster]

It was like a sharing platter of starters. And that's what I'd have for my mane.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's my favorite thing ever.

[Kristen]

How old were you?

[James Acaster]

Like a tiny kid picker's basket.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

All in a lovely picker's basket.

[Kristen]

Yeah. My kids are quite boring with food. But then some of their friends will be like, you know, in their packed lunches, will have olives. And I'm like, what? How have you got olives? I don't even like olives.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

I think olives are disgusting. Really are disgusting. If they come with my Kir Royale, I'll throw them at the barman. They will not think I'm the most polite. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I thought you were supposed to be the most polite.

[Kristen]

Well, when it comes to olives, all.

[Ellie Taylor]

Your good work out the window.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Gone. Yeah. I think they're absolutely.

[James Acaster]

She was so lovely. And then she lobbed a whole bowl of olives at my head.

[Ellie Taylor]

After a double vodka and Coke and a Kie Royale, she really turns. That sounds nice. I like all of this.

[James Acaster]

Quite a lot of sacrilege against Spanish cheese that I noticed.

[Kristen]

When I say I don't like Spanish cheese, I can only think of Manchego.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Which is a gorgeous cheese.

[Kristen]

I don't like it. I can't enjoy.

[James Acaster]

Well, you said Comte. Comte. So basically, Manchego with a berry on.

[Ellie Taylor]

No, Nina, Comte.

[Kristen]

Comte's. Well, much creamier. Mantego's sort of a bit flaky.

[James Acaster]

Can be flaky. Can have a little bit of bite to it. No, I love Manchego, but I do prefer Comte, thank you. How Many months age do you want your Comte to be?

[Kristen]

24.

[James Acaster]

Nice. Big. That's big.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's big boy.

[James Acaster]

Shit.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Two years. Yeah.

[Kristen]

My network.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Nina Comte, my new cheese ventriloquist acts. Yeah. Cheese home triggers. So she just brings out cheeses. It just speaks to the cheeses.

[Kristen]

Is this part of how the sausage is made? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Working it out in real time.

[Kristen]

It's the finale.

[James Acaster]

Nina Comte is great.

[Ellie Taylor]

Nina Comte would be a good character. Be a good one. Just talk to different cheeses.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

What voice would the compti have, do you think?

[Ellie Taylor]

Well, I guess we'd have to be a French. Like. You have had me in that sack for so long.

[James Acaster]

James is mo. James is moving his lips more than he normally does when he talks, by the way.

[Ellie Taylor]

What?

[James Acaster]

You're not really trying to do the ventriloquist thing, are you?

[Kristen]

Oh, oh, yeah, that's.

[Ellie Taylor]

I forgot. She's a ventriloquist. Can you try that French accent? Without moving my lips?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Do the hand. The hand might help. There you go.

[James Acaster]

Hang on. There's never been a ventriloquist who has a dummy who doesn't understand the person. It's the end of the act. All right, see you later.

[Ellie Taylor]

If the dummy's like, I don't understand what you're saying, mate. We can't have a conversation. Forget it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay. Hopefully I have more luck with this Manchego Puppet. Hola.

[Kristen]

IPhone 16 Pro.

[James Acaster]

Watch Series 10 Es.

[Kristen]

Como Conquual Care plan.

[Ellie Taylor]

I used to think buying foundation online was impossible. How am I supposed to find my shade when I can't even get it right in store? Then I discovered Il Maquillage. I took their AI powered quiz to find my custom match and.

[Kristen]

Wow.

[Ellie Taylor]

This foundation is literally my skin in a bottle. The undertone and coverage are spot on. It's so neutral and weightless, I can't even tell I'm wearing makeup. Plus, with Try before youe Buy, you can try your full size at home for 14 days. Take the PowerMatch Quiz now at ilmaquillage.com Quiz I L M A K I.

[Kristen]

A G E.com Quiz if you're a.

[Ellie Taylor]

Parent or share a fridge with someone.

[Kristen]

Instacart is about to make grocery shopping so much easier. Because with family carts, you can share a cart with your partner and each add the items you want. Since between the two of you, odds.

[James Acaster]

Are you'll both remember everything you need.

[Kristen]

And this way, you'll never have to eat milkless cereal again.

[Ellie Taylor]

So minimize the stress of the weekly shop with family carts. Download the Instacart card app and get.

[Kristen]

Delivery in as fast as 30 minutes.

[Ellie Taylor]

Plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees apply for three orders in 14 days. Excludes restaurants.

[Kristen]

So you've got a business, but what about a brand?

[James Acaster]

The difference? More of you. Wix gives you the freedom to create.

[Kristen]

Your website, own your brand and do it on your own, exactly how you envisioned it. Experience limitless customization.

[James Acaster]

Boost your creativity and efficiency with AI tools for every part of your business journey. Scale up with built in SEO, e comm and scheduling features. Put more of you in your business. Go to wix.com and do it all yourself.

[Ellie Taylor]

I know I'm not alone when I say adulting can be overwhelming. And what we all could use is a drink. That's where Apple and Eve juice comes in. As the rulers of the juice box.

[Kristen]

They'Ve been making juice joyful for 50.

[Ellie Taylor]

Years with refreshing juice blends bursting with bold flavor. One sip sends you right back to childhood. So when the grind dulls your shine, remember to kid yourself. Apple and Eve has delicious juices for at home and on the go. Shop today. Main course, then.

[Kristen]

Yep.

[Ellie Taylor]

And that's. That's quite a lot for your starter. But you're sharing it with people.

[Kristen]

I'm sharing it. I'm sharing it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You know, you've still got room.

[Kristen]

Now, Maine, I would say that my favorite cuisine in the world is Italian. I love Italian food. However, I don't think I've ever been to a Italian restaurant and had a pasta that I thought was better than we could have made at home.

[James Acaster]

Really.

[Kristen]

Which is, when I think about it, controversial. Do you know what I mean? I love when we make a good pasta at home.

[Ellie Taylor]

I love.

[Kristen]

It's so tasty and delicious and I really appreciate it. But when I go to a restaurant quite often I'll be like, I mean, it's. It's okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

I don't think I've ever been blown away by a pasta.

[James Acaster]

Are you making?

[Ellie Taylor]

I agree with this.

[James Acaster]

Fresh pasta at home.

[Kristen]

Very rarely, but I have done. But no fresh pasta. Sure.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

But the sauce or whatever.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

I think.

[Ellie Taylor]

Spot on. I agree.

[Kristen]

I suppose it is peasants food, really. So it should be.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is a problem I had with when I went to Rome. I was like, are you kidding me? This is all fine.

[Kristen]

It's fine.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is fine. But like, I really hyped it up in my head.

[James Acaster]

Up.

[Ellie Taylor]

Here we go. Now I'm gonna have pasta.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I mean, that's as good as. If actually not even as good as chorizo broccoli pasta.

[Kristen]

Is that your mum?

[Ellie Taylor]

Huh? Is that my mum?

[Kristen]

Theresa, you said no.

[Ellie Taylor]

Chorizo broccoli pasta. Theresa.

[James Acaster]

Theresa's broccoli.

[Ellie Taylor]

Theresa's broccoli pasta.

[Kristen]

Oh, that's a nice shout out to his mom, Teresa.

[James Acaster]

Shout out, Teresa.

[Ellie Taylor]

Shout out Teresa.

[James Acaster]

The best broccoli pasta in the world.

[Ellie Taylor]

Teresa's broccoli pasta. The best. Obviously, from my point of view there, I'd said chorizo broccoli pasta and you're go, is that your mum? Like a. What the fuck?

[James Acaster]

No, it's because James says that so much and it mentions Dorito broccoli pasta so much that he does not enunciate when he says it anymore.

[Kristen]

No, it's done as one mark.

[Ellie Taylor]

Enunciate when I say a lot of stuff. Yeah. A miracle. This is my job.

[James Acaster]

I mean, you enunciated better when you were doing Nina Comte.

[Ellie Taylor]

Well, you got it. You got it. That's the. That's the mark of good venture.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Teresa's broccoli pasta is James's favorite pasta.

[Ellie Taylor]

Dish, but it's not my mum's. Theresa May. Theresa May makes it for me. We don't agree on a lot of issues, but she makes a banging broccoli pasta.

[Kristen]

I've never had chorizo broccoli pasta.

[Ellie Taylor]

Delicious.

[James Acaster]

The best pasta in the world every day of lockdown.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, it wasn't good for me. And definitely, if you look at. Look at any footage of me popping up on TV shows around that time, you can tell.

[Kristen]

Okay, so with the chorizo.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

He's got green hair.

[Ellie Taylor]

Got green hair. I got a big, oily, meaty face.

[Kristen]

We all did in lockdown, I think. Don't worry, I'm not.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, no shame of myself, you know.

[Kristen]

Well, my pasta isn't chorizo broccoli, but it is. It's. My husband's the first, like, pasta sauce that he made me. He's called Phil. It's called Phil Special sauce.

[Ellie Taylor]

What?

[Kristen]

Yeah. You heard it?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, he called it that.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Oh, still married him.

[Ellie Taylor]

How long have you been together for?

[Kristen]

Not long.

[Ellie Taylor]

When he. When he said that.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it feels special sauce.

[James Acaster]

It must be really delicious to cope with that name. To cope with the name.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it is. And it's super basic as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

And he called it that before you'd eaten it.

[Kristen]

I can't remember the timeline.

[James Acaster]

Or even worse, did you say, I really like this? And then he got all his chest all puffed out. And he went.

[Kristen]

Retrofitted it. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, do you want special sauce to you?

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen]

It's not great, but it's so good, James. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, it's all. I mean, all it is, is like tomatoey veggie yumminess. But it's so tasty, it's so delicious with loads and loads and loads of Parmesan on top.

[Ellie Taylor]

So tomatoes, special sauce.

[Kristen]

I don't even know what's in it.

[Ellie Taylor]

He doesn't tell you?

[Kristen]

No. Just let him cook it.

[Ellie Taylor]

I think that's essential for any marriage. What?

[Kristen]

Not to know. What? You gotta have secrets not to know what's in the special sauce.

[James Acaster]

Oh, God.

[Ellie Taylor]

You gotta have something that the other one loves, but they cannot get it without you.

[Kristen]

Oh, that's actually. Yeah. Why are they laughing? I think that's right, James.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's important.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

He. He knows that if you leave him, you're never getting that special sauce again. And he knows that. You know that.

[Kristen]

Yeah, we all know that.

[Ellie Taylor]

So he's. He's got you.

[Kristen]

Yeah, he snared me.

[Ellie Taylor]

You gotta have it.

[James Acaster]

He's got it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're married.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Do you ever think, have you got something?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Because otherwise you're in trouble, man.

[Kristen]

Does she make something for you?

[James Acaster]

No, she doesn't cook. Oh, I'm gonna cook.

[Kristen]

Oh, okay. Crikey.

[Ellie Taylor]

He's the cookie, is the cook.

[James Acaster]

Okay, I'm gonna cook.

[Kristen]

I'm a cook.

[James Acaster]

No, no, you know, I'm the cook. She does like DIY and stuff.

[Kristen]

Oh, she.

[Ellie Taylor]

There you go.

[Kristen]

So she.

[James Acaster]

Okay, she's got that. She's got me.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you. She got you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but I got it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You got each other.

[James Acaster]

So there you go.

[Ellie Taylor]

What have you got over your husband?

[Kristen]

Good. I've got quite good teeth.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. He's gonna miss those.

[James Acaster]

He's gonna miss those teeth.

[Kristen]

No, it's choppers.

[Ellie Taylor]

Do people think you were teeth on Masked Singer? People were guessing a lot of different comedians for that.

[Kristen]

They are. It's true.

[Ellie Taylor]

I guessed you. I was watching it with my. My sister's family. I went, eddie Taylor. And they went, what? She fucking bent over. Teeth was very short, Frankie.

[Kristen]

Right, thanks. Oh, clarifying that maybe it was the.

[James Acaster]

Masseuse from the Langham.

[Ellie Taylor]

It was the masseuse. If you haven't seen it, it is Mel Gedridge. But like. But I was like, could be Ellie Taylor. And they were like, look at teeth next to Joel. You've seen Ellie Taylor with Joel?

[Kristen]

Sure.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's not Ellie Taylor?

[Kristen]

No. Unless that would have been part of the costume. Bending down.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, but I thought you're not gonna do that to yourself. No, you're. Fuck your back up for however long. Just for the sake of my singer.

[Kristen]

I don't know. To impress Davina McCall, I'd do many things. I'd bend over for.

[James Acaster]

Thank you for finishing the sentence. Even though you got halfway through it and realized what was happening.

[Ellie Taylor]

We saw in the New Year watching you and Joel on tv.

[Kristen]

Oh, on gladiators.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. How'd it feel to defeat a nice lady who just wanted to prove that 50 year olds could do things still?

[Kristen]

I think she said she was 55, actually.

[Ellie Taylor]

She said, I want to prove that women in their 50s can still do this. And then you absolutely obliterated her. How did that feel?

[Kristen]

I didn't obliterate her. I just was taller. So it was a bit easier at the end for me, but showed no mercy. I mean, yeah, it was like I won, but also she. She is 15 years older than me. Exactly a fair fight, but she's super fit. To be fair. She always mentioned who I did it against. Yeah, she's like. She does triathlons and all that malarkey.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you agree that you were. You were essentially the baddie of that episode, though. You were like wolf.

[Kristen]

No.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you were like wolf. You're the new wolf.

[Kristen]

No, I had had a baby eight months before, so I was physically.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah. And you did say that at the top.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

That was your thing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

So it's like, look. Yeah, she's doing it.

[Kristen]

Could have a pity story, don't you?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, she's doing it for that. But I'm doing it to show my angle.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

After you've had a kid, you can do this kind of stuff.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I love gladiators, man.

[Kristen]

Really? Did you watch it this weekend?

[James Acaster]

No. I'm so.

[Kristen]

Really good eliminator. Really good eliminator.

[Ellie Taylor]

Someone go up it backwards.

[Kristen]

No.

[Ellie Taylor]

When is that gonna happen, man?

[Kristen]

When there's the next celebrity gladiators and you're on it.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, I'll go up. I'll go. I'll go up Eliminator backwards. Or the travelator backwards.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah. You could do the whole eliminator.

[Ellie Taylor]

I've heard it's a long record. That puts me off.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God. It's the longest record known to humanity. It's so long.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's why I'm not gonna do it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you could do the whole of the eliminator course. Not backwards, but from the end start. So climb through that, up the rope, through the paper, smash through the paper, go down, down the travelator. That's super easy.

[Kristen]

Much better.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Oh, yeah. Zip line.

[James Acaster]

That's a tricky one, isn't it?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, that's where you are, really.

[James Acaster]

You don't have to have a big push off at the bottom.

[Ellie Taylor]

What is this main course? Now we've gone. So Phil's special sauce.

[Kristen]

Phil's special sauce.

[Ellie Taylor]

Is he gonna be in the kitchen then, making it fill?

[Kristen]

Yeah, unless he's in the restaurant and he's bought, like, a Tupperware for them to heat up. I tell you.

[James Acaster]

Come on, Ellie, this is your dream mate.

[Kristen]

Okay, fine.

[James Acaster]

Your husband can't get a Tupperware out bag.

[Kristen]

Maybe that's. Maybe I'm into that.

[James Acaster]

You can't be in a restaurant with your husband and he calls over a waiter, gets a Tupperware pot out his bag and says, this is my special sauce.

[Ellie Taylor]

My wife would like it. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

To body temperature, please.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Okay, fine. He's in the kitchen, but he's got chef's whites on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, why not? That sounds nice.

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

What type of pasta is it?

[Kristen]

Big fat rigatoni.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

It's an unfortunate hand action I'm doing with.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's not ideal. Yeah, it's not ideal at all. You better hope that's not the bit that Benito clips up. I think. I think most of the listeners would have imagined the right thing that you've done with your hand there.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

And then anyone who didn't, it says more about them. Yeah.

[Kristen]

And they probably wouldn't eat the knob on the French bread, would they?

[Ellie Taylor]

No, they probably wouldn't. Or they. Or they just don't know what rigatoni is. So, like, they just heard that and been, like, got it confused in their head of what kind of pasta it is. And they're like. They think it's the bow tie one. So they think you're doing that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Which is awful.

[Ellie Taylor]

They're like, that poor man. Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

This is what noise do different pastures make.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah, that's a good.

[James Acaster]

I think that's too small. I think that's too small.

[Ellie Taylor]

Don't do the hand gesture with it. Ellie. Ellie. I've literally got my eyes closed for the first time on the podcast because I can't look at you doing that.

[Kristen]

I did that willingly as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, you did.

[Kristen]

Oh, God.

[Ellie Taylor]

Your dream side dish.

[Kristen]

My dream side dish. Well, I. I love breakfast cereal and where's this going?

[Ellie Taylor]

I love where this is. Going, yeah.

[Kristen]

And I think it would be remiss not to have some breakfast cereal, obviously, with my dream dinner. Also, Is it like. I was like, is it a dream dinner or is it. What's the difference between your dream dinner and the meal you have before they execute you? Does that give you different choices?

[James Acaster]

I mean, I don't think it would be different choices necessarily.

[Kristen]

Cause if it's like, I don't know, if it was more desperate and the last 10. Would you be more feral? Because I feel, like, nutritional. Oh, my God, I nearly gave it away. Having my cereal as a side dish is quite feral. A feral choice.

[James Acaster]

I guess it would be feral if I was going death row meal. I guess it would be more feral than a lovely occasion dinner where you're.

[Kristen]

Just filling your face.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's mainly just the mood for me that changes, you know, I think every now and again in my death row meal. I'm gonna think I'm gonna be dead in a minute.

[Kristen]

And what you're wearing, I guess, as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, I'll probably. Yeah. I don't have much of a say in it for the day.

[James Acaster]

I guess it's more of an. You're emotionally eating when you're about to.

[Kristen]

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Thoughts in your head.

[Kristen]

Fine.

[Ellie Taylor]

But who's gonna look after Mr. Jingles?

[James Acaster]

But also, I think I've often thought about this. I would eat something quite sort of noxious for my last meal if I was on death row. Because if I'm being on the electric chair, I'm gonna end up evacuating my bowels. And I'm quite. Yeah. Jokes on them to clear it up.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah. Revenge on the gods.

[James Acaster]

Revenge on the gods.

[Kristen]

Oh, yeah. Lots of lentils.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Yeah, Definitely revenge on the guys.

[Kristen]

I am. Yeah. My side dish is. I love breakfast cereal. My favorite breakfast cereal of all time doesn't exist anymore. It was Kellogg's Start. Do you remember Kellogg's Start?

[Ellie Taylor]

I love this. I. Yes, I. And I haven't thought about it in ages. And I agree with you. Yes, it's brilliant.

[Kristen]

The best. The best.

[James Acaster]

I don't even remember what it was.

[Kristen]

So it was sort of like a honeycomb.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, this is great.

[Kristen]

3. It looked like some kind of sciency. I don't know. Like, it was like three honeycomby bits together.

[James Acaster]

Right.

[Kristen]

And it was like, malty and delicious. There was always, like, a swimmer on the packet because it was meant to make you really strong.

[James Acaster]

Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

It's full of sugar.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And they stopped doing It. A few. Well, quite a few years ago now, I think. But there is. My husband's Australian, so we go to Australia quite a lot. There is a similar cereal in Australia called Nutrigrain. Not like the biscuits in here. There's a cereal called Nutrigrain over there and it's very. The taste is very similar. Different shape. James, though.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, okay.

[Kristen]

I don't know if that changes it for you, but it's like an oblong still with like the honeycomb.

[Ellie Taylor]

I know what you mean. I could get on board with it.

[Kristen]

And it's absolutely incredible. And it's my favourite and I want that just to nibble on on the side. That's good.

[James Acaster]

I don't know why finding out that your husband's Australian makes Phil's special sauce.

[Kristen]

Even with the accent.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's worse, isn't it?

[Ellie Taylor]

It's worse. But also, I'm not surprised now.

[Kristen]

Ah, it's all falling into place.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. With all due respect to our Australian listeners, I'm not surprised that he's done that and so openly called it that so early in a relationship. Brazenly just brought that into it.

[James Acaster]

More charming, maybe. I don't know.

[Ellie Taylor]

Who knows? Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

More expected.

[Ellie Taylor]

Who knows? I guess you knew what you'd signed up for.

[Kristen]

I did.

[Ellie Taylor]

So when he said it, you were like, okay, well, I knew that was gonna happen at some point. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, he's gonna say that.

[James Acaster]

So do you want Nutrigrain or do you want the genie to bring back Kellogg's start for you?

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow.

[Kristen]

Wow. You can do that? Yeah. I would love it to be readily available in every supermarket. Yeah. Genie, please.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. I mean, I've never been happier to use my genie powers. I think, like bringing Kellogg's start back. I. I would always forget how delicious it was because it looks boring and it would. I think the main reason it's not on the shelves anymore is because the marketing.

[James Acaster]

It sounds like the swimmers. I assumed it was like a health. A health cereal.

[Kristen]

It's not.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yes, there you. There it is from Benito. There.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, There's. There's sort of people made of milk doing sports on the sports.

[Kristen]

It makes you sp.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, it says multigrain start. It looks boring, but the milk has come to life.

[Kristen]

Start for active people.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, the milk has come to life and is running around like sportsmen and stuff. And like, it. It doesn't look like it's going to be fun. It looks like it's. Yeah, it's like a brand flake scenario.

[Kristen]

It's not. It's delicious.

[James Acaster]

If you. If you're. If your parents had bought that and put it in the house when you're a kid, you'd be like, mom.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Not Kellogg's start.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I want the monkey.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. I won the monkey.

[Kristen]

I think I always preferred start to the monkey. I've always been obsessed with cereal, so, yeah, I think I got through a lot of. Well, the monkey got through a lot of the monkey and a lot of start. And also I love fruit and fibre.

[James Acaster]

Do you?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Which is so pathetically boring, isn't it? But I've done. I like personal best. Probably got through a packet in, like, 24 hours.

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow.

[Kristen]

Brutal.

[James Acaster]

I can. I went through a fruit and fibre phase because you do feel virtuous, but it is also so sugary and yummy. There's those little raisins in there.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

They're pesky.

[James Acaster]

They're a treat.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

You ever add raisins to the fruit and fiber? Fiber?

[Kristen]

Add more raisins.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Yeah, I've done it.

[Kristen]

You've added more?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Chucked in a handful of raisins with my bowl of fruit and fiber. Why?

[Kristen]

It's put. It's full of raisins.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's the ratio.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's not enough for me.

[Kristen]

I've added raises to, like, Weetabix.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough.

[Kristen]

Bit of fun.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, it's great. Add anything to wheat a bit.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's why it's king of cereals.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Kristen]

Have you ever had Weetabix, like, dry with, like.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, Yeah. I visited the Weetabix factory and a man made me eat a load of. Of dry Weetabix one after the other for his own amusement. That's on YouTube.

[Kristen]

How many did you eat?

[Ellie Taylor]

I had, like, a few in a row, but they were at different phases of the making process, so some of them weren't even what you'd get in the box. It was, like, not fully baked yet. And he was just doing it for his. He just. He just realized that I would do whatever he told me, so he just kept going. Why don't you try that one? We had not discussed it before.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

So I'd do it every time.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

The driest mouth I've ever had in my life.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I mean, when I say dry, I mean, like, you can put it. You know, put, like, butter on it.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah. No, I've not done that because I'm traumatized. Experience.

[Kristen]

Fine, Fine.

[Ellie Taylor]

But you did that to.

[James Acaster]

Wrong way to bit.

[Kristen]

Yeah. You can put like butter and jam on top. You can use it like as sort of. I suppose it's a bread substitution. Yeah. If you, if you wanted to.

[James Acaster]

If you wanted to, I guess you could do anything with it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You look like you're going to do it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean, that sounds good.

[Kristen]

No, he's not.

[James Acaster]

I'm not.

[Kristen]

No, he's not.

[James Acaster]

No. I'll just have a bit of bread.

[Kristen]

What about people who put like golden syrup on Yorkshire puddings? Would you ever do that?

[Ellie Taylor]

What the. Yeah, I don't know.

[Kristen]

If you use some Yorkshire puddings, you can make them because I suppose they're like panko batter, aren't they? So they can be. They can. Can go either way.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's a game changer. I've never had sweet Yorkshire puddings before. I love it.

[Kristen]

Put some golden syrup on top.

[James Acaster]

Adding glitter to a turd. That's what I call that. Do you not like they're rubbish, they're boring. I actually don't like anything battery like that. I'm not really a pancake guy.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

Yorkshire puddings are the best.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is what I'm putting up with every week.

[Kristen]

My other choice for main course. I was thinking of what I used to dream about at university. Me and my friends used to have conversations about out a Yorkshire pudding that was the size of a Jacuzzi and we would fill it with gravy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And people would be like this. Yeah, we're in it.

[James Acaster]

You're in it.

[Kristen]

You're in it.

[James Acaster]

And then you're eating that.

[Kristen]

Yeah. And you nibble around the side. There'll be peas that will like be apples floating around you.

[James Acaster]

There'd be plenty of stuff floating around you.

[Kristen]

We would have had a shower beforehand.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It still doesn't make a difference if you get in there, just stop.

[Kristen]

It's. It's, it's the dream hot dog.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're getting in with other people.

[Kristen]

Yeah. But they're clean.

[James Acaster]

You can't guarantee that.

[Kristen]

Okay, can I get some?

[James Acaster]

But also your students. Someone's got a double vodka.

[Ellie Taylor]

Someone's got.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I've got BGC in one hand.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

A pea the size of an apple in the other. Oh, heaven. But I love Yorkshire puddings.

[James Acaster]

No, I find them boring.

[Kristen]

Maybe your gravy you're having isn't good enough because they are really nice for the gravy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kristen]

We'll use them to absorb more gravy.

[James Acaster]

No, just drink the gravy. I don't mind that.

[Kristen]

I feel so passionate about this. And I didn't realize.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, a lot of people do.

[Ellie Taylor]

The way he antagonizes a lot of people, a lot of the listeners. I think he knows what he's doing.

[James Acaster]

I think he's getting Yorkshire puddings. People are passionate about them, but I think they represent the lack of ambition in most British people.

[Ellie Taylor]

I'm bearing in mind. I mean, that's the worst thing he's ever said about them. I'm bearing in mind that, like, obviously they're named after a specific part of Britain.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

He doesn't like north.

[Ellie Taylor]

He's going after the north. North.

[James Acaster]

I love Yorkshire. I think it's fantastic. I just think they need to butt their ideas up.

[Kristen]

Oh, I went to my mum's yesterday for a roast. She made beautiful Yorkshire puddings. And I take big umbrage on her part. She spent age and they were massive. And we all looked in the oven and said, oh, Mum, they're really big. Well done.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And I feel like I was a personal attack on my mother.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

It was my Mother Teresa. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Teresa Taylor. Mother Teresa. No, it is Mother Teresa, isn't it? I didn't even put that together early.

[James Acaster]

Me neither. It's first time I'm.

[Ellie Taylor]

I'm hearing that we're making the sausage in real time. People. Do you want to shout out any other cereals before we move on?

[James Acaster]

Because you.

[Kristen]

Cinnamon.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

That's like crack.

[James Acaster]

Have you ever been curious when you're having it?

[Kristen]

Curious about how much of a box I'm allowed to have in one go?

[Ellie Taylor]

That was a name change that I wasn't on board with. Cereals do a lot of name changes for some reason. It seems to be the food stuff that does the most amount of name changing. And Cinnamon. Graham's great. Curiously Cinnamon. I was like, Do I have to call it that now?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I've got to say, curious.

[Kristen]

I'd like a bowl of curiously Cinnamon in conversation. It wouldn't come up the name, though.

[Ellie Taylor]

It happened five seconds ago.

[Kristen]

Here's a serial name change for you. Do you remember Toppers?

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen]

That turned into Frosted Wheats.

[James Acaster]

They were Toppers.

[Kristen]

Toppers.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow. And then they kind of got hip to, like.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Then they just. Yeah, then that makes it sound a bit healthy. Wheats, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

I'm still not over Opal Fruit.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, sure.

[Kristen]

Starburst. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Have they gone back now, though?

[Kristen]

No. Did they go back?

[James Acaster]

No. I mean, I think I've said this on the podcast before, but the advert for the name change was like, in a science lab and they had, like two monkeys and they were, like, holding up different names and the monkeys were pressing a red button or green button if they like the new name or not.

[Kristen]

All right.

[James Acaster]

And one of the suggested new names was Jimpy John Piece. And. And so me and my mum have called them Chimpy Jumpies since then.

[Ellie Taylor]

I wish they were.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I always love hearing about Editor's Mum. It's a nice relationship.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Theresa.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Teresa. Teresa Gambles. I like, always. Lovely.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Chimpy John Beans. I love it. Are you gonna start calling them that now?

[Kristen]

Yeah. I don't think I say them the word.

[Ellie Taylor]

No.

[James Acaster]

They don't come up very often. I don't think. I don't think no one's really buying them.

[Kristen]

Maybe if they were called Chimpy Chompies, we would be buying them and we would be talking about them.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. They'd be on your dream menu.

[Ellie Taylor]

Chimpy Chompies. I was saying Jimpy Jumpies.

[Kristen]

No, because it was. It was chimps.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Chimps makes perfect sense.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Chimpy Jumpies.

[Ellie Taylor]

Chimpy Jumpies are what I'd call them. My new name. Yeah. I can be called Jimpy Jumpies my next tour.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Called Jimpy Jumpies. This sounds sausage. It's got the shopping trolley on the back of me.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

And I'm pulling out the cheese pockets.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Puppets doing near Compti.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No one would be surprised if that was your next move, I don't think.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Here's. Welcome to stage Chippy Joby. Well, God. Chucking my shop in behind me.

[James Acaster]

Putting cheese out the shopping trolley.

[Ellie Taylor]

Please welcome the stage. And you need a Carm tea.

[James Acaster]

Straight.

[Ellie Taylor]

Back in the trunk. Oh, well, easy come, easy come.

[James Acaster]

What milk are you putting on this cereal? If indeed you are.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. You almost made up that you weren't happy.

[Kristen]

No, I wasn't. But I suppose I would like some milk to be available. I'm happy to nibble on it as a snack.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

It was a crudite, but I would. Yeah. I mean, if we're gonna have milk, I'd like some really cold whole.

[James Acaster]

Oh, love that.

[Kristen]

Want some beefy milk on there?

[James Acaster]

Oh, cow.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, Do. Someone's going to places where, you know, they want you to say. Yeah, what type of milk? And sometimes they lead it and will say cow milk or beef milk. Some places.

[Kristen]

Do they actually say beef milk?

[Ellie Taylor]

There are places that do that to try and hammer it home. Fair enough. Do you go along with that? Or do you preempt that?

[Kristen]

I've never had that.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And I don't know how I would react in that situation.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

I don't. I might throw the olives in their faces as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

So you just got.

[James Acaster]

We're not giving you any olives.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Because we know what you're going to do with the olives regardless.

[Ellie Taylor]

A dream.

[Kristen]

Yes. Let me have my olives.

[James Acaster]

Just throw a bowl of olives at a human being.

[Ellie Taylor]

Why not? Gotta let her do it.

[Kristen]

Let me live. God's sake.

[Ellie Taylor]

Dream.

[James Acaster]

Drink.

[Kristen]

Drink. Done. Drinks.

[James Acaster]

You've done drinks at the beginning. But for your meal you could have a. We could give you a drink.

[Ellie Taylor]

If you want that to just be it. You can just be it. Don't just push extra fluids on you.

[Kristen]

I'd like a drink to go with my pudding.

[James Acaster]

Oh, that's great.

[Kristen]

So I'll happily just coast along with what I'm having. If I am having, I suppose, Phil's special sauce. I'll probably have to have a bit of wine with it. Red wine. So he thinks I'm a grown up. Cause I'll put down my pocket cake.

[James Acaster]

Why do you need him to think you're a grown up? He's calling it Phil's special sauce. You don't need this man to think you're a grownup. He's walking around the kitchen wearing thongs.

[Ellie Taylor]

Our Australian listeners will know what everyone else. Sorry for the image. Double thongs. Yeah. Was that funny when you started dating an Australian? The differences in the language, picking each other up on stuff.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Still love it now. Still love it now. I found out the last trip we went to that in a kid's play park, they call a slide a slippery dip.

[James Acaster]

That's just.

[Kristen]

How adorable is that? Slippery. And a water fountain. A bubbler. Can I have a drink from the bubbler?

[James Acaster]

I feel like Phil's making stuff up.

[Ellie Taylor]

Sure. Can you imagine?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Can you like all of its now? My sister lives over there as well. No. And she's married. We both married Aussie men.

[Ellie Taylor]

Really?

[Kristen]

I talk about this in the tour. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, very, very weird. Like some people watch Neighbours as a bit of light relief and we've gone. Well, that's a husband.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Maybe it's just so, so formative for you. Neighbors both gone for.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

For Aussies.

[James Acaster]

Who's your favorite favorite character on Neighbors.

[Kristen]

Fancying wise, probably Billy Kennedy. And then funny wise to Google that.

[James Acaster]

Billy Kennedy.

[Kristen]

Kennedy. He went into a big show house. Oh yes. It was that, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Huh.

[Kristen]

House.

[James Acaster]

He's in house.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, I think I know who you mean.

[Kristen]

Libby and.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, what was the other Libby Kennedy?

[Kristen]

Libby.

[Ellie Taylor]

No, I don't know. Darren.

[James Acaster]

Was it Brad?

[Ellie Taylor]

It wasn't Brad and Philippe type?

[Kristen]

Oh, actually, yeah. That's quite cool, actually.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I love neighbors. Aussies. That's what we're talking about.

[Ellie Taylor]

What stories were there about that guy, Billy Kennedy?

[Kristen]

What were his storylines?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, what was the storyline?

[Kristen]

I was too busy trying to work out how I could make one. My husband.

[Ellie Taylor]

How did you make one? Your husband?

[Kristen]

Oh, I found him in London. There's loads of them. If you look in the right places. Loads of them lurking around.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Earl's Court.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Yeah. That was like their hub, wasn't it? For a while. Earl's Court in the bars.

[Ellie Taylor]

I thought your husband's name was Earl. And you caught him.

[James Acaster]

You know his name's not Earl.

[Ellie Taylor]

Huh?

[James Acaster]

It's not Earl's special sauce, is it?

[Kristen]

That. Does that sound better?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen]

Rorgel.

[Ellie Taylor]

Ever watch My Name is Earl?

[Kristen]

No.

[Ellie Taylor]

Crazy show.

[James Acaster]

This episode is sponsored by Boost Mobile. It's James and Fuhad from Shits and.

[Ellie Taylor]

Geeks podcast and we're here to talk.

[James Acaster]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ellie Taylor]

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[James Acaster]

Perfect.

[Ellie Taylor]

But at Verizon, trade in any old phone from our top brands and get the most for it. Up to $2,000 in value for an amazing new iPhone 16 Pro with Apple Intelligence and a new line on my plan and iPad and Apple Watch Series 10. That's like a three for one and you can get it on any plan. Everizon, trade in your your old phone for a brand new iPhone 16 Pro, iPad and Apple Watch. The other guys won't give you that. Visit verizon.com today. Additional terms apply. Service plan required for Apple Watch and iPad. Up to $2,000 value based on iPhone, iPad and Apple Watch. Okay, well I guess we're moving straight to the dessert and to get this dessert drink and.

[Kristen]

Yeah, why not?

[James Acaster]

What's quite nice as well, if I may say, with the cereal as a side dish, is it's almost acting as a bridging force between the main.

[Kristen]

And the palette's changing. We're moving onwards.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yes. So my pudding is. Well, one of my puddings is actually a drink, but I don't class this as the drink. This is separate. So I want a chocolate milkshake from a place in Sydney, the Boathouse at Shelley beach, which is our favorite little beach that we go to when we're there. And it's the most beautiful location. And actually, yeah, we're there now. Cause it's peripatetic. We're there. We're in Shelley beach. And it's a beautiful little beach. There's loads of amazing houses that are right by the cliff. Cliffs. There's loads of bush turkeys that wander around the beach. Which bush turkeys? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Is that what he's told you that chickens are called?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, they're just pigeons, aren't they?

[Kristen]

Just pigeons.

[James Acaster]

We call those bush turkeys. Can't believe she's still fucking born for this.

[Ellie Taylor]

For the listener, Ed did that without moving his lips.

[Kristen]

And, yeah, their chocolate milkshakes are lovely. And the kids ones come in a glass that's in the shape of a bear. So I'm gonna have a kids one. One, because that's fun.

[James Acaster]

That's nice.

[Ellie Taylor]

Is the bear in his pose of any sort?

[Kristen]

Just like. Just sort of standing, being ready to be used as a vessel?

[James Acaster]

I guess if it's a glass, you can't really have too. Too much of a pose, can you?

[Ellie Taylor]

A teddy bear or grizzly? No. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Really terrifying for the kids.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Grizzly. Roaring.

[Ellie Taylor]

Just full grizzly man. Ever see that documentary? That's. What is that?

[Kristen]

Rick goes in the bear. Oh, that's the reverend.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, he does go in the bear. That's the reverend still goes in the bear. Yeah. Oh, he gets eaten. Yeah.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Ellie Taylor]

Bear eats him.

[James Acaster]

But in real life, it's not.

[Ellie Taylor]

My dad still thinks grizzly man is not real things. It's a. It's fake and we've all fallen for it. After we watched it, it was like, you seriously believe that documentary? I was like, yeah, that's real. That happened. It was like, it's not real. Everyone's actor's in that. That's fake. I can't believe you've fallen for it.

[Kristen]

The bear was an actor.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. It goes Online. Can't believe everyone believes this documentary. It's so clearly fake. It's like, dad, the guy, Timothy Trev was a real man. He got eaten by a bear. No, he didn't. That's an actor playing him for a lie. Everyone's fallen for this. This is ridiculous.

[Kristen]

What proof does your dad need?

[Ellie Taylor]

No. Oh, yeah. I don't think anything. He's just convinced it's a. It's a fake documentary and we're all idiots for believing that Timothy Trevor was a real person.

[Kristen]

Well, if you want a hill to die on, it's fun one, isn't it?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah. It's more harmless than most.

[James Acaster]

Is this a thick milkshake?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Getting it back on track?

[Kristen]

Yeah, yeah. I'd go thick milkshake. Yeah, yeah, Thick milkshake. That's okay. Not a thin one.

[Ellie Taylor]

Ice cream milkshake.

[Kristen]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't know what's in it, to be fair, but it's bloody lovely.

[James Acaster]

You want to have to give it some welly to get it out the glass, don't you?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really go for it. Yeah.

[Kristen]

And they put chocolate around the. They squirt chocolate sauce around the inside of the bear. Okay, back to bears. Sorry. And then. Yeah, it's really delicious.

[James Acaster]

Delicious, delicious.

[Ellie Taylor]

That sounds good. And there's cream on the top.

[Kristen]

No, no cream.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, they know it speaks for itself.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I love it. I really love a milkshake steak. Yeah, so I'm having that. We're on Shelley beach. We're looking out. It's lovely. But also I want some. Looking at the bush turkeys. Pigeons. But I also want some pudding. Yeah, obviously. So I want some tiramisu.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Kristen]

I love tiramisu. Whenever there's tiramisu on the menu, I'll have it. It's my baked Alaska. I have to. I have to. If it's on the menu, got to get it.

[James Acaster]

Where's your favorite tiramisu from?

[Kristen]

I can't even think. I don't think I've ever met a bad tiramisu. I made quite a nice one myself.

[James Acaster]

Yeah?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Made one with Bailey's before.

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow.

[Kristen]

The Italians would hate that, wouldn't they?

[Ellie Taylor]

You've already slagged off their pasta, so I think you're all right.

[Kristen]

Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, Delish. Want that? I also want an honourable mention here for some Betty Crocker icing. Just in a pot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I know the stuff.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Just with a spoon.

[James Acaster]

The forbidden yogurt.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, God, that's like, worse. Than Steve's special sauce.

[James Acaster]

Phil, how do you keep Steve?

[Kristen]

Why is Steve getting involved in my pasta?

[Ellie Taylor]

I can't remember this guy's name.

[James Acaster]

Tell Steve something like that.

[Ellie Taylor]

Elsteel else. Yeah, the forbidden yogurt. The forbidden yogurt is the same as that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Oh, my God. Yeah. It's the most delicious thing. And I will happily.

[James Acaster]

The thing is, you could get it in to make some brownies or something.

[Kristen]

I always have to buy two because I know, realistically. Be true to yourself, Ellie. It's not gonna make it out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's going straight down with a spoon. It's so good because it's thicker than even, like Nutella or something.

[Kristen]

It's honestly the best taste, tasting thing I've ever had in my life.

[Ellie Taylor]

Well, it's gotta be on your menu then. You can't have it as an honourable mention.

[Kristen]

But I also wanted to have tiramisu.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

I'll put it as a little side pot for you.

[Kristen]

I don't want a little one.

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay. You can have a side dish, a dessert side dish of the Betty Crocker.

[Kristen]

That's what I want.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It could be blended into the milkshake if you wanted.

[Kristen]

Oh, God. I could drink it that. Yeah, why not? Let's do it.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Chuck it in.

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow.

[Kristen]

Chuck it in and it goes. And I also want with my pudding, a Yorkshire biscuit tea. Have you had chats about this before?

[James Acaster]

No, I've heard of it, but could you please enlighten our listeners?

[Kristen]

So it's Yorkshire tea. We all know and love this. So it's biscuit. It's like, infused with, like a biscuit flavor. But no, it's not sweet. It's like a rich tea has been dunked in it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's.

[Kristen]

And let to, like, marinate. And it's really malty and just delicious and very like wholesome and warming and lovely.

[Ellie Taylor]

That sounds good.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Did sound gross when you described it.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it does, but it's not.

[Ellie Taylor]

But like, I. I get what you mean.

[Kristen]

It's like infused with the flavor.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

They do a jam and jam and toast one as well, which I don't like.

[James Acaster]

That's too much.

[Ellie Taylor]

Does that taste like jam and toast?

[Kristen]

It does, but it's not. It. It doesn't do it for me.

[James Acaster]

You don't want to sip jam and toast?

[Kristen]

No, I tried it, but no. I'm a purist. So Yorkshire tea. And I carry that around in. I carry it in a Tupperware with me to make sure. Because it's like, ruined every other cup of tea. If you're in a restaurant, obviously, like.

[Ellie Taylor]

Loose tea bags in a Tupperware.

[Kristen]

Tea bag in a Tupperware.

[Ellie Taylor]

You haven't got like a maid tea in a Tupperware?

[Kristen]

No, over the lid. It's next to the Tupperware. Phil Special sauce, obviously. I carry around two Tupperwares at all times. Yeah. Don't mix them up. Yeah, that's. That's. That's what I want to finish with. Because after dinner, after, like, main. After savory food is finished. I don't want an alcoholic drink. I'm dumb.

[Ellie Taylor]

Done.

[James Acaster]

Even if it's a sweet alcoholic drink.

[Kristen]

No, I'm done.

[Ellie Taylor]

Okay.

[Kristen]

It's over.

[James Acaster]

It's. You're going home.

[Kristen]

Yeah. No, I don't necessarily want to go home, but in the restaurant I just want a tea or a mint tea sometimes.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Kristen]

But definitely not. I can't imagine wine with my dessert. For instance.

[Ellie Taylor]

But you got. What about a little whiskey or something?

[Kristen]

No.

[James Acaster]

What about an espresso martini?

[Kristen]

Don't like coffee. It's like a biscuit tea martini.

[James Acaster]

Hate to break it to you, but tiramisu is full of the stuff.

[Kristen]

I know. Isn't that weird? It's the only coffee thing that I like.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen]

But I don't like an espresso martini.

[James Acaster]

But it doesn't taste like. I mean, it doesn't taste like it's.

[Kristen]

Chocolatey, creamy, yum, yums.

[James Acaster]

Coffee. It's got the coffee sort of flavour to it, but it's not like a cup of coffee. It's not giving you a buzz.

[Kristen]

No.

[Ellie Taylor]

I shouted out a specific tiramisu on the podcast at a place called Cor in Bristol. I'd gone in and I did tiramisu, but instead of sponge fingers, they'd use panettone. It tastes like Christmas pudding. Tiramisu.

[Kristen]

Wow.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is one of the best things I've ever eaten. And then the next day my tour manager went to get it. Cause I talked about it so much and they were like, oh, that was just for yesterday. So then I came on the podcast was like, everyone, get over there. Bully them into putting it on the menu.

[James Acaster]

Just trying to do it.

[Kristen]

Is it back?

[Ellie Taylor]

It worked.

[Kristen]

Is it back on?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. My tour manager went back and later he said, it's back on there now. And they didn't confirm it was definitely me because I bullied them.

[Kristen]

But you think it is?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, it was. I bullied them into doing it.

[James Acaster]

Shout out to the tiramisu at Scoff as well.

[Ellie Taylor]

Obviously delicious in Manchester.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

That's a very good tiramisu.

[Kristen]

Has that gonna hook or is that just. It's a pure one.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's a pure tiramisu. There's a lovely personal story behind it.

[James Acaster]

It is genuinely the best tiramisu I've ever had.

[Kristen]

What makes it so great?

[James Acaster]

I think he might put coffee in the. In the cream.

[Ellie Taylor]

He'd never tell us. He would never tell us.

[James Acaster]

He's like, it's at the end. It's at the end of, like, an amazing tasting menu.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Oh, right.

[James Acaster]

So you're there for like, hours just enjoying this incredible food, and then he comes out at the end.

[Kristen]

And in tiramisu, how many courses on the tasting menu?

[James Acaster]

It's like 14 or something.

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, my God. It's a lot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

And then you look at the tiramisu and you think, oh, surely we can't manage it. And that's how you know something is so delicious because you still want to give it a go that your body doesn't even feel full anymore. Well, we just want to eat this too much.

[James Acaster]

We went there on New Year's Eve, so normally they come over and give you like a spoonful in a little bowl from the main thing. We went on New Year's Eve and he brought a whole one over. Oh, my God. There you go, guys. Happy New Year.

[Kristen]

Do your worst.

[James Acaster]

And no one was expecting us to do that.

[Kristen]

And you did it.

[James Acaster]

They're all stood in the kitchen going, they're never going to do that. I say we did it. This guy took on the lion's share, I'd imagine.

[Kristen]

You're my hero.

[Ellie Taylor]

Me and Amy, Annette really went to town on that tour. Don't mind if we two in my do. That's a Milton Jones joke.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Which to be fair, his daughter wrote for him also just before I read the menu back to you. Who was Betty Crocker?

[Kristen]

Some American lady who liked cakes.

[James Acaster]

Do we think she's real?

[Kristen]

I think she's real, yeah. Yeah, I reckon.

[James Acaster]

Is she real? Betty branded fictional character. You thought she was real?

[Kristen]

Yeah, I bought into that brand.

[Ellie Taylor]

We've just ruined that for you. Like Santa Claus.

[James Acaster]

Well, it's your dream. It's your dream.

[Kristen]

She's a little old American lady.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. She does massage.

[Kristen]

Oh, dear. Would you like this part? She's got something wrong with her mouth. Teeth don't fit properly.

[Ellie Taylor]

I like this. I like Betty Crocker.

[Kristen]

She's very friendly.

[Ellie Taylor]

Dear, let me bring you back to you now. See how you feel about it. You want pre drinks at the Langham Double vodka and Diet Coke. Dvdc.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Kristen]

Thank you.

[Ellie Taylor]

Robinson's Fruit and Barley Orange.

[Kristen]

Thank you.

[Ellie Taylor]

And a Kia Royal because you're keeping it classy.

[Kristen]

Yes.

[Ellie Taylor]

Then you would like sparkling water, which you're gonna be squirting those barley water pouches into it that we've just invented. Problems of bread. Warm baguette with salted butter and olive oil and vinegar. Yes. Starter.

[James Acaster]

Some of your lovely enunciation again.

[Ellie Taylor]

There's start.

[Kristen]

It's the compti reading. That's why.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

This is Nina Compti reading the menu back. I do appreciate that. Starter. Jam on croquetas.

[James Acaster]

Oh, no, come on.

[Ellie Taylor]

Huh?

[James Acaster]

Jam on croquettas. Sounds like you're putting jam on.

[Kristen]

Jam. Jam and toast. No. Come on. Come on, James. Back of the throat.

[Ellie Taylor]

Come on. We go very nice with aioli from Josie.

[James Acaster]

Oh, God, this is gonna take ages.

[Ellie Taylor]

And you would like jam on as well, on its own, Nina Conti cheese and potato skins with cheese and ham in it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Made by James. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Rigatoni with Phil's Special Sauce.

[James Acaster]

Really bad.

[Kristen]

It's perfect. Noise.

[Ellie Taylor]

Side dish. Kellogg Star Tart.

[Kristen]

Yes.

[Ellie Taylor]

With some cold whole milk, which I'm imagining it being on the side. And you add it if you want to.

[Kristen]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Ellie Taylor]

Dessert, we have a chocolate milkshake from the Boathouse on Shelley beach with Betty Crocker's icing in it.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Tiramisu could be from anywhere because you love it. And a Yorkshire biscuit tea.

[Kristen]

Done. I'm proud of that.

[Ellie Taylor]

Feel good.

[Kristen]

I'm happy and I'm hungry.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

That does sound nice.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ellie Taylor]

And I do agree with the. The bridge thing with the cereal, I think. Sneakers.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I think it's a lovely move.

[Kristen]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Cereal move.

[Ellie Taylor]

Did you ever go to the cereal bar that they opened? Remember when they opened that in London and everyone absolutely kicked off and hated them for it?

[Kristen]

Brick Lane. Yeah. Cereal bar, cereal cafe. Serial killers.

[James Acaster]

Serial killers.

[Ellie Taylor]

Hipster culture gone mad. Everyone was absolutely furious.

[Kristen]

I did, yeah.

[James Acaster]

What did you have in the serial killer cafe when you went?

[Kristen]

I think, like, a cocktail of, like, American stuff that I couldn't get over here.

[James Acaster]

You mix them?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I always mix with cereal.

[James Acaster]

Nice.

[Ellie Taylor]

What's your favorite mix to do at home?

[Kristen]

It's all quite wheat based at home, I'd say so sort of shreddies, fruit and fibre, maybe some oats. I mean, boring, but I don't care. I really like it. You Know, keeps you regular. Do you know what I mean?

[James Acaster]

I was gonna say fun. Your house is like clockwork.

[Kristen]

And that's what I like. If I come home from a gig, good gig, bad gig, massive bowl of cereal with loads of sugar.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Kristen]

I don't tend to, like, I don't have a vdc. I have a big bowl of Shreddies.

[Ellie Taylor]

And you put the sugar on top of it. You don't get Frosted Shreddies.

[Kristen]

No, I don't. Although I love Frosted Shreddies. They are sensation.

[Ellie Taylor]

They are fantastic, actually.

[Kristen]

What's your number one cereal?

[Ellie Taylor]

I get the boring ones now all the time. But. But when I was a kid, you know, first. First week of the month, if you go with mum and dad on the big shop.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

You get to choose a special cereal.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

When it's gone, it's gone. That's what we were told.

[Kristen]

Love it.

[Ellie Taylor]

You get one box of it. When it's gone, it's gone.

[Kristen]

Love that.

[Ellie Taylor]

I would get crave. I'd go for it.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God.

[Kristen]

The chocolate inside.

[Ellie Taylor]

It's basically got. Yeah. Inside the little. The little pockets of whatever. I don't know what. What crop that is.

[James Acaster]

You're cracking into the pockets. You're looking out the middle and you're throwing away the pockets. Right.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, yeah, that's my. That's my motto. But yeah, I'd go for the crave. And this is how much of a sugar addicted family we were. Cookie Crisp, which is essentially. Got a picture of a wolf on the front.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

Human gladiators. Because of, like, how. How insane it turned into a cartoon.

[Kristen]

Wall because it's basically just a bowl.

[Ellie Taylor]

Of cookies and there is like a wolf going insane like they do in the cartoon. It's a cartoon wolf that's like howling, you know, like they do in the cartoons when our character sees like a sexy lady and then they turn into a wolf and start howling. That was like the wolf at the top.

[James Acaster]

That's what you did when you saw the cereal, right?

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, I only do it when I see cereal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. His tongue unraveled.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, I got unraveled and smacked myself on the head with a mallet.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ellie Taylor]

All that stuff. Stuff. Well, that sounds delicious, Ellie. That's a fantastic menu.

[James Acaster]

Very good. Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Ellie.

[Kristen]

Thanks so much for having me.

[James Acaster]

There we are, James.

[Ellie Taylor]

Wow. Rogue.

[James Acaster]

Rogue.

[Ellie Taylor]

Went rogue a few times there. But cereal, side dish, multiple desserts.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I think. Yeah. Both into that.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah. Absolutely happy with that. No pavlova. Even though the multiple desserts.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you're thinking, you're thinking, surely she's going to pick Pavlova at some point.

[Ellie Taylor]

Soon. As you said, there's a few of these. I was like, we're in trouble here because pavlova is a popular dish, obviously. Everyone should go and see Palavering.

[James Acaster]

Palavering starts in April. Ellietaylor comedy.com for tickets. Go along and see it. It is bound to be a fantastic show. James.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Is it by?

[Ellie Taylor]

Huh?

[James Acaster]

Is it by now?

[Ellie Taylor]

Oh, are we saying goodbye now?

[James Acaster]

I don't know. Have we done everything?

[Ellie Taylor]

Benito's crazy. He'd start us if we'd done Pavlova or not. Yeah, we did it.

[James Acaster]

That's the main thing we've done.

[Ellie Taylor]

You're crazy.

[James Acaster]

Bonito's zoning out because he hates us.

[Ellie Taylor]

Yeah, well, who can blame him? Who can? But it's been a long. It's been a long time.

[James Acaster]

It's been a long old few years. Goodbye, everyone.

[Ellie Taylor]

Goodbye, everyone.

[James Acaster]

This episode is sponsored by Boost Mobile. It's James and Fuhad from Shits and Geeks podcast and we're here to talk about Boost Mobile, the newest, newest 5G network in the country.

[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Kristen]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ellie Taylor]

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[James Acaster]

Perfect.

[Ellie Taylor]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ellie Taylor]

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[James Acaster]

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[Ellie Taylor]

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