Ep 286: Rhod Gilbert (Live in London)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster – Episode 286: Rhod Gilbert (Live in London)

Release Date: April 7, 2025
Hosts: Ed Gamble and James Acaster
Special Guest: Rhod Gilbert
Venue: Palladium, London
Recorded On: March 20, 2025

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1. Introduction and Live Show Announcement

The episode begins with Ed Gamble announcing additional dates for Off Menu Live at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for March 15, 2026. James Acaster humorously acknowledges the announcements, setting an enthusiastic tone for the live recording.

Ed Gamble [00:00]:
"Huge news from Off Menu Towers."

James Acaster [00:02]:
"James Big announcements."

2. Transition from Advertisements to Live Content

Following the initial announcements and a series of advertisements, the hosts welcome listeners to the live episode, emphasizing the unique format where guests choose their dream menus.

Ed Gamble [03:45]:
"Hello there and welcome to the Off Menu podcast. It's a live one, James. There it is. There it is. The jingle."

Jonathan Fields [03:54]:
"It's a bonus episode. We did some live dates at the Palladium."

3. Introduction of Special Guest: Rhod Gilbert

Rhod Gilbert joins the hosts, bringing his distinctive comedic flair to the conversation. The hosts playfully introduce the concept of the "secret ingredient," hinting at Rod's chosen item: battenberg.

Ed Gamble [04:19]:
"But this first one was indeed the first one we recorded. It was recorded on 20th March, 2025, and it is with the wonderful special guest, Rod Gilbert."

James Acaster [05:16]:
"Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient."

4. Rod Gilbert’s Anecdotes and Humorous Stories

Rod shares a variety of personal stories, blending humor with candid reflections on his life and career.

a. On Taskmaster and Comedic Experiences

Rod references his appearance on Taskmaster alongside James Acaster, teasing about not causing any disruptions on the show.

Rod Gilbert [04:43]:
"We were on Taskmaster together. Yes, you were, but that was fairly uneventful."

b. Dealing with Cancer and Culinary Adventures

Rod recounts his battle with throat cancer, highlighting how sparkling water played a crucial role during his recovery.

James Acaster [19:13]:
"When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything was disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through all things sparkling."

He humorously ties his recovery experience to his love for sparkling water, mentioning a fictional song he and his wife Sian have about it.

James Acaster [20:44]:
"When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything's disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through all things sparkling."

c. The Misadventures with Melons

A memorable segment involves Rod's humorous struggles with melons, particularly the difficulty in selecting the perfect ripe melon.

James Acaster [43:19]:
"Choosing a melon is difficult. A ripe melon. The right ripeness of melon."

Rod describes an incident in a hospital involving a melon, blending absurdity with relatable humor.

James Acaster [36:00]:
"And then in the morning we went to like a bar, was also doing breakfast and he was in there over a full breakfast, but just asleep. So his face was about 6 inches from the breakfast. And bit by bit me and Greg just went up and took a piece."

5. The Dream Menu: A Comedic Take on Culinary Choices

The core of the episode revolves around Rod's "dream menu," where he selects his favorite dishes across various courses, infused with comedic commentary.

a. Dream Starter: White Sliced Sandwich Bread with Butter

Rod opts for simplicity with a perfect slice of white sandwich bread adorned with the right amount of butter, eschewing more elaborate options.

James Acaster [31:40]:
"The one I'm choosing bread is a plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter."

b. Dream Main Course: Overloaded Madras Curry

Embracing his indecisiveness, Rod humorously lists an overwhelming combination of Madras curries—prawn, lamb, beef, chicken, and veggie—all in separate bowls, accompanied by special fried rice.

James Acaster [50:05]:
"I want a prawn lamb, beef, chicken, veg, Madras."

c. Dream Side Dishes: Potatoes Galore

Rod expresses his love for potatoes, detailing a variety of side dishes such as mash, chips, dauphinoise, patatas bravas, and tatto flats.

James Acaster [61:43]:
"Patatas Bravas, something in Wales that we call Tatto flats."

d. Dream Dessert: Torrija de la Baqueria

He concludes with an elaborate dessert named Torrija de la Baqueria, Conelado de Mantecado, describing it as a cross between French toast and butter pudding, served in a china cow with a quirky presentation.

James Acaster [80:47]:
"It's stale bread soaked in citrus-infused custard, fried and sweetened. It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee bread, and butter pudding."

6. Memorable Moments and Audience Interaction

The live format allows for spontaneous humor and audience engagement. Rod's stories, especially those involving bodily functions and memorable mishaps, elicit laughter and relatable chuckles from both the hosts and the audience.

James Acaster [56:18]:
"I went on stage and after seven minutes, yes, I had food poisoning and I shat myself in front of 500 people."

Despite the crudeness, Rod's openness and comedic timing turn potentially embarrassing moments into hilarious anecdotes.

7. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, Ed and James remind listeners of Rod Gilbert's ongoing tour, as well as upcoming Off Menu Live shows at the Royal Albert Hall.

Ed Gamble [91:39]:
"Rod, you know we've uploaded these shows... but Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit."

Jonathan Fields [91:54]:
"We're bringing Off Menu Live. The tasting menus to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026."

Rod Gilbert bids farewell, leaving listeners with a mix of laughter and anticipation for future episodes and live events.

James Acaster [91:15]:
"Thank you, Rod, for not saying Battenberg. We could keep you on the Palladium grounds."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ed Gamble [00:00]:
  "Huge news from Off Menu Towers."

• James Acaster [19:13]:
  "When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything was disgusting except sparkling water."

• James Acaster [31:40]:
  "The one I'm choosing bread is a plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter."

• James Acaster [50:05]:
  "I want a prawn lamb, beef, chicken, veg, Madras."

• James Acaster [80:47]:
  "It's stale bread soaked in citrus-infused custard, fried and sweetened. It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee bread, and butter pudding."

• James Acaster [56:18]:
  "I went on stage and after seven minutes, yes, I had food poisoning and I shat myself in front of 500 people."

---

Conclusion

Episode 286 of Off Menu featuring Rhod Gilbert delivers a hearty mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and creative culinary discussions. Rod's candid storytelling and humorous takes on everyday mishaps provide a refreshing and entertaining experience for listeners. The lively interaction between Rod and the hosts underscores the show's unique blend of comedy and food exploration, leaving listeners eagerly awaiting future live episodes and the upcoming Off Menu Live events.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

Huge news from Off Menu Towers.

[James Acaster]

James Big announcements.

[Ed Gamble]

We've just added extra dates for Off Menu Live the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday 15th March 2026 at 2pm Sunday 15th March at 7.30pm it's on Sunday 15th March two shows 2026 tickets from RoyalAlbert Hall.com and ctickets.com.

[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

Hello there and welcome to the off menu podcast. It's a live one, James. There it is. There it is. The jingle.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's a bonus episode. We did some live dates at the Palladium.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Jonathan Fields]

Which is very exciting, people. Just standard episodes. New guests.

[Ed Gamble]

New guests. Standard episodes live at the Palladium. We did four shows in three nights.

[Jonathan Fields]

James, it was wonderful. Thank you to everyone that came. We had an absolutely stupendous time and now we're very excited to be able to share the audio versions, the podcasts with the people who couldn't go.

[Ed Gamble]

These won't be coming out week to week, by the way. No, the last. The last run of live ones we did that came out week after week after week. No, they'll be. They'll be popping into your inbox now and again. But this first one was indeed the first one we recorded. It was recorded on 20th March, 2025, and it is with the wonderful special guest, James, Rod Gilbert.

[Jonathan Fields]

Wow. Rod Gilbert, one of our finest comedians.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Jonathan Fields]

Also, we were on taskmaster together. Yes, you were, but that was fairly uneventful. I'm sure we won't get anything.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm sure that won't come up. Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit, including a date at the event in Hammersmith Apollo in London on 12 June. Go to rodgilbertcomedian.com for tickets. You must do that. We should also explain, James, we picked the secret ingredient with the audience in the first half. We are not putting Any of the first half stuff on the audio?

[Jonathan Fields]

No, we won't put release the first half, but they did help us decide the secret ingredient. If it was us, we would just say grapefruit, because his new show's called that. Yeah, but he said a lot of food in a lot of titles of his shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the audience went with Battenberg, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient. Bear that in mind. Also bear in mind there might be some references in the live show with Rod to things that happened earlier on in the show which you will not hear. For instance, my intro to the top of the podcast.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. But I think we should just hear it, James.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, I think we should just go in. Let's dive in.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of.

[Jonathan Fields]

Rod Gilbert at the Palladium.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the off Menu podcast. Taking the carrot sauce of humor, adding the blue pasta of friendship. And it's Halloween.

[Jonathan Fields]

That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week, we invite in a guest with us in their favorite ever. Start at main course, dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Rod Gilbert. Now, you all know what the secret ingredient is. Keep that in your head and we'll see if we end up kicking Rod Gilbert out of the London Palladium.

[Ed Gamble]

You would love to do, right?

[Jonathan Fields]

I would love to do it so much. He deserves it for his despicable behavior on Task Master.

[Ed Gamble]

Should we crack on, then?

[Jonathan Fields]

Let's crack on, please. Welcome to the What?

[Ed Gamble]

No, we don't do it like that. This is the off menu menu Fraud Guild. Remember, that's only about 300 episodes we've.

[Jonathan Fields]

Done and I'm not a listener.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of Rod Gilbert.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Right here, please, Rod.

[James Acaster]

Oh, they're nice, aren't they?

[Ed Gamble]

They're lovely. They're lovely.

[James Acaster]

You're right. Palladium. This is lovely. You should listen to this podcast, James.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Give it a whirl.

[Jonathan Fields]

What. What are some highlights? Give me some highlights of it.

[James Acaster]

I. I think you'd enjoy it. That's all I'm saying. I've heard it. And it's good.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Actually, no, I think it's better than good. I'm going to say. I'm going to. I mean, I did say this to you earlier when I arrived, but I'm going to go on a bit of a limb. I'm getting. I'm getting old and a bit sentimental and I think the audience would appreciate It. If I thanked you two for this, I think the best podcast in the world.

[Jonathan Fields]

Correct.

[Ed Gamble]

How lovely.

[James Acaster]

Not tonight. Not tonight, obviously, but this will be the exception that makes the rule that this is an incredible podcast.

[Jonathan Fields]

I think this will be the best episode ever. I think. I think this is going to be the number one episode of Off Menu.

[James Acaster]

There's not one person that believed that.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think you are getting old and sentimental, Rod? Because we were saying the last time me and James saw you was at a wedding and we'd not seen you for a while, and you came up to me and James and you said, oh, you two have shot up.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's because I am becoming what's known as a little old man. And that's what happens when you're a little old man, is the younger generation, they go, oh, you shot up. Last time I saw you both, you were in Cubs. I got a question.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know the booby trap thing?

[Ed Gamble]

The secret ingredient?

[James Acaster]

The what?

[Ed Gamble]

Secret ingredient.

[James Acaster]

The secret ingredient. Yes.

[Jonathan Fields]

Little old man.

[James Acaster]

With hearing aids. I am wearing hearing aids. Yeah. The secret ingredient. Is that because I've never heard you kick anyone. I've never heard it happen. I mean, it happened once, famously, but I don't. I didn't hear it. Do I have to pick that thing or just mention it?

[Jonathan Fields]

Pick it.

[Ed Gamble]

You have to pick it. It has to be on your.

[James Acaster]

Is one of my things.

[Jonathan Fields]

You can mention it and we won't kick you out, but if you pick it and it's in a dish, clear, you're out on the streets of London.

[James Acaster]

Got it.

[Jonathan Fields]

And we're tearing up your train to get home.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I will be if I get kicked out of here.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, it took me six hours to get here and I got out of my sick bed to get here.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

If I get kicked out, I will be taking some fucking millennial with me, I'll tell you that.

[Jonathan Fields]

You gotta bear in mind, like, Rod lives around the corner. He's just very old, and it takes him a very long time to walk anywhere these days.

[James Acaster]

I'll be hitting you with my flat cup, young man. Banging you with my zimmer.

[Ed Gamble]

James, we should start properly, please. We need to do this officially, Rob.

[James Acaster]

Oh, if you'd. I've always wondered what was going on.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, Rob, we always give our guests during the live shows the opportunity to rub the big lamp. If you. If you would like to.

[James Acaster]

I mean, have you got anything more phallic? I could.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, start.

[Jonathan Fields]

Welcome, Ron Gilbert, to the drink restaurant from this buddy. You've some time.

[Ed Gamble]

Pretty cool. I'll be honest, I only remembered you had quite a bad cold when you were stood in the stream of dry ice that was pouring into your face. I hope that hasn't affected your lungs in any way.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's perfect for a man with throat cancer.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, that's not what I was referring to when I said you had quite a bad cold.

[Jonathan Fields]

Also, you're lucky that you don't get tick kicked out for just saying the secret ingredient. We didn't think they'd go there, but that's what they picked. Throat cancer.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, you. Are you much of a foodie, Rod, would you say?

[James Acaster]

Am I much of a foodie? If you're doing this podcast about, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me.

[Jonathan Fields]

Onito doesn't matter. Bonito doesn't. Let us talk about food with the guests before they come on.

[James Acaster]

I've got. I'll tell you what I've done as well. I've got notes.

[Ed Gamble]

We love it.

[James Acaster]

Because. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute. But am I a foodie? Not really, but I've come a long way.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod. Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are?

[James Acaster]

Yes, remind me to tell you how. Because it relates to food, how forgetful I am. But, yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales. Yeah, Food in our house was. I mean, to be fair, like, my dad wasn't interested. My mother was working full time, bringing up three kids. So food in our house was not exactly. I mean, I'll give you a few examples. Spaghetti Bolognese, lovely. In my house when I was growing up, spaghetti Bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef. Stir it up that spaghetti Bolognese and I still have it to this day.

[Jonathan Fields]

I still eat it. Spaghetti in there.

[James Acaster]

I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college. Oh, yeah. Spaghetti on a bed of spaghetti. Corned beef tomato soup. My mother once, and my dad was very simple, tasted a very grateful man. So he would always express his gratitude. My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad and my dad couldn't. He was very short sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful. Fit for a king, fantastic. And then my mother went like, this. She went, oh, I've forgotten the ham. She came out with a fork and a packet of packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and draped it on top of the rice.

[Ed Gamble]

But he already said, fit for a king at this point.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. And he was happy with that.

[Ed Gamble]

So what did he think when the ham came out?

[James Acaster]

Oh, it's just fucking mind blown then. Mind blown. But he was very simple. Say, like, if my mother was away or not able to go, we had sardines on toast. That's what we had every single time. And we. If anybody ever came to eat in our house. Right. So if ever we had, I guess, call them a guest.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah. Oh, we do that in England as well.

[James Acaster]

Would you call them a guest as well?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Such an interesting culture.

[James Acaster]

Tell me if I'm going too fast. So if we had a guest, somebody non related, somebody not from the family, a friend, a neighbour would come round. My mother would literally under the table, like, go like this. She'd go, right, kick you and she'd go like this. She'd go, fhb, fhb. And we all knew that meant family hold back.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

So there wasn't enough food to go around. So my mother would kick us and go, fhb. And you'd go, actually, I'm not that hungry and just fucking leave it and that. So I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way.

[Ed Gamble]

Fit for a king and just pushing it across the table.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, just not this king.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh.

[Jonathan Fields]

Now, Rod, I believe that you're quite forgetful, is that right?

[James Acaster]

No, not too bad. I am quite forgetful. It relates to food because, I mean, my wife's here tonight. The lovely Sian is here.

[Ed Gamble]

Hi there.

[James Acaster]

Hi.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sian was here.

[James Acaster]

Hi, Sean. She's here somewhere.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sian, do we not say hello anymore? We've been backstage for ages trying to.

[James Acaster]

Keep this guy entertained and we're the same. I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness, whatever. Right. But trying to make. I would say I've got a success rate on making a cup of tea is about 1 in 10. So I will frequently put a tea bag in a cup, wander off and forget about it another 10% of the time. I'll probably pour hot water on that tea bag, wander off and forget about it another 10% of the time. I'll pour the hot water on, remember I've done it good. Pour the milk in, then one drop and forget about it another 10% of the time. I'll remember it saying after a while and go, oh, this is cold now. I'll put it in the microwave to heat it up. And then another 10% of the time, I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there. Sometimes I'd put it on for another 30 seconds and then I've wandered off again and forgotten in there again. I'd say 10% of my cups of tea end in me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well. It's a shame.

[Jonathan Fields]

That is a shame.

[James Acaster]

That's a message. I once. And Sean will testify to it, I once put. It was Christmas Day about 2016, I don't know. I said to my wife on Christmas Day, should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven? Oh, no, I'll just pop a couple of mince pies now. Danny Wales, we've got an Aga, right? You know, country living.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

An Aga stays on. That's the thing with an Aga, you'll know that just for. I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day. Charlotte, can you hear me?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It would be crazy if she could have not.

[James Acaster]

Brook, I meant was. I guess that was a roundabout way of asking. Can we hear you?

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[James Acaster]

A very roundabout way of asking. Can we hear you? Can you hear me? Yes. Right. I can hear you. All good. Because we didn't sound check this. She wasn't here earlier. Anyway, I said, sean, should I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas day, around tea time? She said, that would be lovely. When did we find them, Sean? May. May, May. The following year, just to be clear. May 17, I opened the ark and there's two fucking discs, two black discs. I'm going, what the hell are these? And then we worked backwards through April, March. They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're not doing a huge amount of cooking. Would it be fair to.

[James Acaster]

Not in the aga, no, no, not in the aga, no, no. We've got other cooking utensils and equipment to do that. We've got a regular oven hob, somebody. Carry on.

[Jonathan Fields]

Were they award winning? Were the mince pies award winning?

[James Acaster]

Were they award winning? Oh, fucking hell. He is good. He is good, isn't he? Were they award winning mince pie? Mind you, I can see got nothing from the audience.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, that was. I, I, I thought, I thought it was going to take the roof off with the fandom. But instead I. I've actually inadvertently and not deliberately damaged.

[James Acaster]

I did a show Many moons ago, 2008, I did a show called the award Winning Mince Pie is what James is.

[Jonathan Fields]

A wonderful show, Rod.

[James Acaster]

A wonder of a show.

[Jonathan Fields]

Wonderful.

[James Acaster]

Oh, thank you. Wonderful. Thank you very much.

[Jonathan Fields]

A wonderful stand up show.

[James Acaster]

Oh, did you see it?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, at Edinburgh Wednesday, the Edinburgh Fest.

[James Acaster]

Because you'd have been quite sort of.

[Jonathan Fields]

We were new comedians and Josh Whitakem said to me, have you seen the show Rod Gilbert's doing? I said, no. And he went, I would go and see it again if you want to go and see it. I went to see it. It was amazing.

[James Acaster]

Oh. Oh, it's nice. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I shall take that.

[Jonathan Fields]

I was watching it and I was thinking, one day this guy's going to mug me off on Taskmaster.

[James Acaster]

Let it go.

[Jonathan Fields]

Going to ruin my life.

[James Acaster]

Are we going there? Are we talking about that?

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's going to come up, I'm sure.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, it'll probably come up at some point, I'm sure. But you know, as you've already covered since all the awful things you did, you very cleverly got canceled. And I can't go in too hard on you now.

[James Acaster]

I'm just going to adjust my hearing aids up slightly, to be honest.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, I did say what you just thought I said. That can't be right. Do I start with still a sparkling water, Rod Gilbert? Well, do you have a preference?

[James Acaster]

Sparkling?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, oh. A lot of hate for sparkling tonight.

[Jonathan Fields]

Some nice cheers at the beginning, then it just morphed into a boo. Yeah, that was very few shows.

[James Acaster]

That'll stay with me.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, the booze. They'll be on the six albums.

[James Acaster]

Any comedian. All I'm hearing really is the booze and the negative, you know, I. No sparkling, definitely. Partly because. And those of you who booed, right. This will get you back. This is one in your eye booers. Partly because. And it's not really. I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years. In fact, sorry to bring Sean in it. Me and Sean have got a song about it.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, get, get ready, Sean.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When. When I. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything's disgusting. Right. When you got. When you got cancer in this area and you're having the treatment radio, everything's disgusting. I couldn't drink. Water is disgusting. Tea. Everything's disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through all things sparkling. So Lucas Aid sparkling Water. I could still drink that. Nothing else.

[Ed Gamble]

How are you feeling? If you booed right now?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Sparkling water. Saved my life when I had throat cancer. Give us a boo. But years before that, it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me that we have a song about it.

[Jonathan Fields]

Well, you're gonna have.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no way you're not doing that now.

[James Acaster]

I mean, this is. I mean. I mean, this is like. This is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share, really. And I think this is essentially why me and Sian are together. Sean, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus?

[Jonathan Fields]

You can't make Shan Singh.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you okay to do that?

[James Acaster]

Give her a mic. Yeah, give her a mic.

[Ed Gamble]

She'll try. She said she'll try.

[James Acaster]

We're gonna try.

[Jonathan Fields]

Charlie's got a mic.

[Ed Gamble]

Where is Sean? Where Charne down. Oh, good, she's there. I thought she was up there for a second.

[James Acaster]

This is. This is.

[Jonathan Fields]

That is not your wife. What the has happened?

[James Acaster]

This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with my wife. Thank you, Charlotte.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Jonathan Fields]

I thought for a second there I had tumbled through the multiverse and not known it. I'm in a different universe where Rod Gilbert. A different wife.

[James Acaster]

All right.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Can we hear you, Sean?

[James Acaster]

Hi, guys.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sorry about this, Sean. That's fine.

[James Acaster]

All right, I'm going to do the verse.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, my God. So this is the sparkling water. No pressure on this, Sian, but this is the kind of stuff Bonito usually clips up for the best off at the end of the year.

[James Acaster]

This may be the kind of stuff. I promise you this will not be the stuff. Ready, Sian? Yes. Do you want to.

[Ed Gamble]

She doesn't sound happy, Rod.

[James Acaster]

Do you remember the words?

[Ed Gamble]

I didn't know there was a verse.

[James Acaster]

I'm using the word verse very loosely. You'll know when to come in. All right.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Follow me for the challenges.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, no prep done beforehand. Knew that we were going to ask him what water he wanted.

[James Acaster]

Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10, 15 years.

[Jonathan Fields]

Can you remember how it started, this song? Like, in terms of who came up with it?

[James Acaster]

No, I can't remember how or where it started. No, but. But there are other people I could ring and we could put them on and they'd do it as well.

[Jonathan Fields]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

It's not just a thing with acid.

[Ed Gamble]

How big does this song start?

[James Acaster]

I can't look at you while I do it. I can't look at you. I'll Go behind the lamp. Go behind the lamp.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, get in the lamp.

[Jonathan Fields]

Bit. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it?

[James Acaster]

Just a bit. Here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

A fizzy water.

[James Acaster]

That's what it is. That's what it is.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

What do you reckon? Whole audience?

[Jonathan Fields]

Just your standard verse, chorus structure.

[James Acaster]

That is it.

[Jonathan Fields]

Fizzy water. It is good.

[Ed Gamble]

It's good.

[James Acaster]

Fifteen years we've been doing that.

[Jonathan Fields]

You keep that mic, Sean, if you want to get involved at any point.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's it.

[Jonathan Fields]

But problems or bread.

[James Acaster]

Brett.

[Jonathan Fields]

A lot of cheers there.

[James Acaster]

No booze this time, I noticed. Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, they're waiting to hear if it helped you when you were in recovery.

[James Acaster]

Trying to hear my workings out, though, on bread.

[Jonathan Fields]

Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

Please. We're not just going to move on, Rod.

[Jonathan Fields]

You can.

[James Acaster]

I'll come to my winner because I. I've. Yeah, There's a lot of the time tonight where I'm very indecisive. Right.

[Ed Gamble]

So have you done a tournament for the bread?

[James Acaster]

It's a top five.

[Ed Gamble]

Top five. Lovely.

[Jonathan Fields]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

Five Peshwari naan.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[James Acaster]

Nothing more to add.

[Jonathan Fields]

I. I think that's a lovely number five. I think some people would have it higher. Some people might not even include it in the top five, but I think it definitely deserves a shout out. There has to be a naan in the top five.

[James Acaster]

Okay, four. And this is where I maybe should have done more research. I think it's Turkish puffy bread.

[Ed Gamble]

You think that's what it's called?

[James Acaster]

That's. That's what they call it, isn't it, in Turkey? Is it Turkish?

[Ed Gamble]

Turkish puffy bread.

[Jonathan Fields]

Like a big puffer fish. Hasn't he been arrested recently?

[Ed Gamble]

Those parties got crazy, man.

[James Acaster]

Is that what he is now? Turkish puffer bread?

[Jonathan Fields]

Is that how he got changed his name again?

[Ed Gamble]

He kept changing his name and then he went to Puff Bready.

[James Acaster]

As if nobody would know who he was. If you put Turkish in the front. Turkish Puff Daddy.

[Jonathan Fields]

I know what you mean. I know. I know the Turkish.

[James Acaster]

What's it called? The Turkish puffer bread.

[Ed Gamble]

PETA.

[Jonathan Fields]

Peter.

[James Acaster]

Peter.

[Jonathan Fields]

Who's making it? Tumnus.

[James Acaster]

The one where you stick your finger in it and it goes. It puffs an angel.

[Ed Gamble]

So just for the listener, you were pretending to prod the bread and then you became the bread.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And blew up.

[James Acaster]

I was playing both roles.

[Ed Gamble]

You're playing both roles? Yes.

[James Acaster]

I was playing me in a restaurant, putting my finger through the thin, crusty. Well, not even the crust, is it? Through the thin. What would you call it?

[Ed Gamble]

Womb. I wouldn't Call it that personally, but I know.

[James Acaster]

What would you call it?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yes. No. Your finger.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Or Hyman, thank you very much. The lady in the audience. So you put, you put your finger through the, the put your finger through it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And then, and then, and then it ejaculates.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, okay.

[James Acaster]

An angel's ejaculate of steam right in your face. You know the bread? Do you know the bread I'm talking about?

[Ed Gamble]

The bread you're talking about?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, I know the one with the angel ejaculate. Come on, what's number three?

[James Acaster]

How would you describe it then?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, I'm not the one picking up. I agree.

[Ed Gamble]

Like a fresh pit.

[Jonathan Fields]

I agree with all of this.

[James Acaster]

Have you been doing 300 odd episodes of this podcast and you haven't come across this before?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, neither of you, clearly.

[James Acaster]

You know the bread I'm talking about. It's a big puffer thing. They do it on the clay ovenito.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito's just put on the screen. It's called balloon bread, but it's definitely.

[James Acaster]

Oh, balloon bread. Yes, yes. That's what the Turkish call it.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's what they call their delicacy bread, balloon bread. No, it is. Yeah, I've heard that, but it was up like a balloon. I've seen it. I have a balloon. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've not tried it. No, I mean the way you've described it, I will never, ever try it because it involved the words hymen and angel ejaculate.

[James Acaster]

It's only at three anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Four.

[James Acaster]

It's only at number four. Yeah, yeah, Number three. There's a restaurant in New York called the Blue Ribbon on Sullivan street in soho that when you arrive as an amuse bouche, they give you a loaf of bread, warm home as you arrive. And it's quite, it's quite a late night vibey, sort of. Does anybody know it in SoHo in New York?

[Jonathan Fields]

One person.

[James Acaster]

I don't know what the they expected me to do with that whistle, but there we are.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone's lost their dog.

[James Acaster]

Anyway, so when you arrive, they give you a look. It's a fantastic vibey late night restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

When you say as they are, as you arrive. So do they take your coats and stuff first or.

[James Acaster]

No, no, they just. As you arrive. You know, like some restaurants might give you a glass of wine, water or something on this. They give you a loaf of warm homemade bread. It's quite a late night vibey place. I think they know you've probably had a few drinks. It's amazing. Anyway, that's number three. Number two.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Gotta be in any list of breads. I think garlic bread, but. But with a massive butt. Come in. Yeah, there is a big ass butt coming.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

A big ass butt.

[James Acaster]

A big ass.

[Jonathan Fields]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

A massive with a capital B. Kind of B that if you laid it down on its front, the thong would disappear up it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think there's something sexual with bread going on with you?

[James Acaster]

Rose balloon bread is the only one I would have sex with.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we've never asked that question before. We should start.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, I should add that.

[James Acaster]

Oh, it's the only one I would have sex with.

[Ed Gamble]

That's. But hang on. You said it's boiling hot and it immediately deflates when you puncture it.

[James Acaster]

Call me Mr. Common Sense, but I'd wait for it to cool down.

[Ed Gamble]

But is it not gonna subside if it cools down?

[Jonathan Fields]

And also as soon as you make the hole, I believe it ejaculates. So it's done.

[James Acaster]

If you give it 10 minutes, it's ready to go again. Stick a film on.

[Jonathan Fields]

But knowing you, you'll walk away and forget about it. August rolls around, you walk back in the kitchen. I was meant to this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Supposed to this at Christmas.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, it's Sean. I was meant to this bread in New Year's Eve. I was meant to it. I forgot.

[James Acaster]

So garlic bread. The big butt this time. Big is something that really winds me up about garlic bread.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And that is this. Give me garlic baguette. Give me garlic sourdoughy bread. Give me ciabatta. Ciabatta, whatever. Give me a breadstick with a bulb of garlic sellotaped to it.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Give me one of those little breads that they have in church for the body of our Lord Jesus Christ dipped in lazy garlic.

[Ed Gamble]

They'd get more people in if they.

[James Acaster]

Do not give me. Do not forgive me. Bring me a pizza based garlic bread. No, do not. Especially if I'm ging pizza for my men. Off back through the swingy doors.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And smash it in the chef's. No, it's out. It's outrageous.

[Jonathan Fields]

It is.

[James Acaster]

It is outrageous that in this day and age, when you're having a pizza as your main and they come out with a pizza, garlic really winds me up.

[Jonathan Fields]

Seriously, I'm 100 on your side.

[James Acaster]

Are you 100?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah. When it. When it's pizza as the main and the garlic bread is also a little pizza, you're like, come on, guys, it's.

[James Acaster]

Not even that little a pizza. Sometimes it's almost the Same size and.

[Ed Gamble]

It'S often like dry as and it's just like. Yeah, too crispy. Yeah, I agree with you, Rod.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's like seeing a trailer for the film you're about to see.

[James Acaster]

Exactly.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah. I don't want that back to back.

[James Acaster]

Nobody wants that. Nobody wants back to back pizzas.

[Jonathan Fields]

What did you think about Peter K kicking that guy out of his gig for shouting garlic bread? What do you think of that?

[Ed Gamble]

That was actually Rod. He just come from an Italian restaurant.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It was not connected with Peter K's material at all. He was just really angry about getting a garlic bread.

[Jonathan Fields]

He was listing all the garlic breads that he'd accept. Didn't even get to the pizza base one before he got killed.

[James Acaster]

Well, I mean, you can come to my gig and shout garlic bread as long as it's not that fucking pizza one. In which case I will kick you out.

[Jonathan Fields]

We're at the number one now. Number one, your favorite bread that I believe is going to be for your dream menu. This is going to. This is going to be the one you have for the dream menu. Is it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. The one I'm choosing bread is a plain white sliced sandwich bread with. With the right amount of butter. No oils, no vinegars, no whole wheats, no granary, no seeds, no dusted in flour, no artisan. It is a sandwich type sliced white bread with the right amount of butter. Not a twirl of white stuff that looks a bit like butter. The right amount of butter on a normal slice of white sandwich bread. I don't.

[Jonathan Fields]

I could feel it bubbling.

[Ed Gamble]

You could feel it coming.

[Jonathan Fields]

It was popping off little bits in the room throughout. All of that, with every detail you added what.

[Ed Gamble]

And it took one hero.

[James Acaster]

Rod.

[Ed Gamble]

You listed four wildly superior breads. You got us so excited.

[James Acaster]

One of them I chose the white.

[Jonathan Fields]

Came in your face.

[James Acaster]

Because when I was in hospital with cancer. No, I wasn't. No, no. I just. I just think, I mean it to be fair. It's best served with something with something like sausage, egg, beans and chips. When you get that bread and butter with that. That's not my choice for mains or anything. Or anything. But when you get it with that, I think that bread and butter there in that roll next to that plate cannot be beaten. And I would have with it, if I could, instead of oils and vinegars, little bowls, I would have a little bowl of the stuff that would be left on the plate after that. So like a little bit of bean juice. A bit of bean juice or a little bowl of Salt and vinegar, egg yolk, maybe.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, winning them back.

[James Acaster]

Dunk the white bread and butter in the bean juice in the little salt and vinegar thing.

[Ed Gamble]

A bit of egg yolk maybe knocking around there.

[James Acaster]

Maybe a bit of egg yolk, to be honest. Yeah. With it, instead of oils and vinegars, I would just have a side plate of where somebody. I was gonna say where somebody eaten sausage, egg. It might as well be me. Might as well be me. Is it somebody else's plate where they've just left and I won.

[Ed Gamble]

So it's a sausage, egg, bean and chips.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So. So that. So the grease of the sausage, the bit of yolk, a bit of bean juice, bit of salt.

[Ed Gamble]

When have you eaten this? Last Christmas recently.

[James Acaster]

But I would have to get somebody else to eat them.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay, so you polished them.

[James Acaster]

Well, just because I'd be too full.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

For practical reasons, I would have to get someone in.

[Jonathan Fields]

And are you not in that scenario when you've got the sausage and the beans and everything on the bottom plate and you got that slice of bread? Are you waiting until you've eaten all this to get the bread involved? Because for me, I much prefer getting the bread involved as I'm eating everything else and getting it all in together. Because, like.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I do as well. But I haven't gone for any sausage, egg, beans or chips in my menu.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, it's not too late to do that. If you want to do it, you could have it as part. Joe. What? Because you love. Love it so much as an accompaniment, I would be willing. I don't know about you. I. That. And you have as your bread course. Sausage and beans with that slice of bread. I would, for your dream, let you have that.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it would have.

[James Acaster]

If you're going to do that, I mean, there's just no rules whatsoever. Poppadoms or bread. Sausage, egg, beans and chips with a slice of bread. Come on.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I do sort of prefer Rod's notion of just having the. Wiping the. Wiping the plate. Cleaning the plate with the bread.

[James Acaster]

That is why you are on that British menu program.

[Jonathan Fields]

We do have to have that absolute first time a guest has ever done that, that we've bent the rules for them so they have something nicer and gone without rules. Where would we be as a society? This is preposterous. I don't want that. I. I think you love it.

[James Acaster]

I think it helps to work within certain parameters.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, no, no, you should work.

[James Acaster]

I imagine a lot of the audience would get annoyed if we did things like that.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah. For Example, if you had to find a satsuma in a sock.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, God, man. You did. So we're doing it.

[James Acaster]

We're doing it.

[Jonathan Fields]

You put a tangerine in one and claimed that that was you finding it.

[James Acaster]

No, no, no.

[Jonathan Fields]

Then how is that even. That means finding where it is.

[James Acaster]

Let me talk you through what happened.

[Jonathan Fields]

Turn this up.

[James Acaster]

Let me talk you through. If you want to go there. If you want to go there. What happened was this. Put the satsuma. Was it in this?

[Jonathan Fields]

Find it. Put it in the sock, find the socks, Find the satsuma.

[Ed Gamble]

It was fine.

[James Acaster]

Find the satsuma in the sock. I thought, ah, I know this satsuma is in the kitchen. Wait in the house. In the taskmaster house. There's lots of stuff lying about. I thought, all I have to do is go in there, get the satsuma, pop it in the sock. When they then came out to the judging, I accidentally said, tangerine and fucking hell. The shit I've had for that. You wouldn't think it possible, the abuse I get in the street.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you know, when I was in hospital with cancer, there was one nurse wouldn't treat me because she said that I was refused chemo because.

[Jonathan Fields]

You horrible, sarcastic nurse. Mr. Gilbert, I know you wanted us to find the cancer, but I decided I'd put some in there instead and accidentally stumble across that. Does that count?

[James Acaster]

We couldn't find anything on your skin. Can a little tweak? We've put a few lumps in.

[Jonathan Fields]

Five points. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So that's what it was. I said tangerine, and then. And of course, it was a tangerine. Not. It wasn't. It was a satsuma I put in the song. But, you know, it is what it is. It's water on the bridge, I think.

[Jonathan Fields]

Water in the bridge.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I might often say that.

[James Acaster]

Sparkling water under the bridge.

[Ed Gamble]

Fizzy water.

[Unknown]

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[James Acaster]

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[Jonathan Fields]

Race the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger.

[James Acaster]

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[Paige DeSorbo]

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[Jonathan Fields]

Your dream starter, Rod Gilbert.

[James Acaster]

My dream starter. This is where I need my notes. I got no idea. Oh, yes, I do. I tell you what it is and I never have it. I never, ever, ever, ever have it.

[Ed Gamble]

Big intro.

[James Acaster]

I. I would never, ever order it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Intrigued to see where this goes, Rod?

[James Acaster]

Well, I would never order it because it's never as good as I think it could be in my head.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay?

[James Acaster]

And it is. It's gonna sound shit And. And it's gonna. I mean, it's gonna get booed like this. It's gonna get booed, but it's like. It's like a Parma ham and melon or prosciutto. And it's too. Yeah. I mean, I'd boo it myself if I was sat out there, but it's never as good as I think it could be. So I don't order it.

[Ed Gamble]

So. On the dream menu, do you want.

[James Acaster]

Exactly. So I want it to its full potential. I want it. I want it to its full potential. I'll tell you what lets it down. It's not the ham's fault. What is that? What's up there?

[Jonathan Fields]

Ham.

[James Acaster]

Ham.

[Ed Gamble]

There's a lady up there called Ham.

[James Acaster]

A lady called ham.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

That's a pretty name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's lovely. It's not the ham's fault.

[James Acaster]

No, no, it's the fucking melon's fault.

[Jonathan Fields]

Has to be by process of elimination.

[James Acaster]

Because the melon. The melon is never like. Exactly put. I'm obsessed with melon. Right. Although I Googled this before I came on because I. I had the wrong type of. I thought the melon I loved was honeydew. It's the orange flesh one, but it's cantaloupe. But I. Yeah. So all my life I've got the wrong. I've called the wrong melon the right. Ah, whatever. Shoot me. I've called the wrong melon the wrong. I've always thought cantaloupe was the one I loved. The orange flesh one. That's not.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's easy. It's easy to say.

[James Acaster]

It is.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's easy to say the wrong fruit name.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So honeydew is the.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's easily done. It's easily done.

[James Acaster]

I think what I have demonstrated is how easily done it is.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's exactly what I've done. Demonstrated how easily done it is.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of melon do they put with the Parma ham when you've had it?

[James Acaster]

So it would be what I think of it. So cantaloupe. Yeah, the orange flesh.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Now that is never perfect. It's always like a little too hard or a little. But, yeah, choosing a melon is difficult. A ripe melon. The right ripeness of melon.

[Ed Gamble]

If you're in the supermarket and you've got to choose a man.

[James Acaster]

When I lived in France in the 80s for a year, I was doing a French course and I was in France for it and. And somebody taught me to. You've got to like. You've got to find the.

[Jonathan Fields]

That's a banana.

[James Acaster]

I don't know. There's no melon here. I just reached for the most fruit like thing and the banana you got to find. What is it? It's like the anus of the melon.

[Jonathan Fields]

G spot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. What you mean there's a spot? There's a G spot, like an A on a melon. One end of it's got a little stalk and the other end it's like an anus.

[Ed Gamble]

I honestly think you've got a real problem, Rod.

[James Acaster]

It's got to be a little bit of give on that.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't look at me when you say that.

[Jonathan Fields]

Look at me. Yeah, yeah. Direct it all here.

[James Acaster]

You don't want your thumb to go in.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But you want a bit of give, a bit of elasticity.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And getting that right is really hard. And of course you're not allowed to do that in a restaurant. If you say, can I have a little go on the melons? Anus.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, this is. This is the dream restaurant, Rod. We can bring you back to the kitchen and you can feel as many melanuses as you please in the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

I'm imagining that you have someone who can. They can take all the anus, work out of it for me and bring me the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon with the Parmahan ham, which I got no problem with. So they could bring me. I. I don't know whether I should tell you this.

[Jonathan Fields]

I mean, definitely.

[James Acaster]

This definitely is not going in the podcast.

[Jonathan Fields]

I'll say that you've just been prodding melanuses for about five minutes. I don't imagine what you're about to say next. That is going to get you cut out of the podcast.

[James Acaster]

I.

[Jonathan Fields]

We get your mic ready to defend yourself.

[James Acaster]

I lost a piece of melon once.

[Ed Gamble]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

That's all I'm gonna say.

[Ed Gamble]

Was it about. About your person or about someone else's person?

[James Acaster]

I can't divulge that.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this connected with you being forgetful?

[James Acaster]

No, it was just one of those. We've all experimented with. We've all experimented in a sort of nine and a half weeks way with food. Don't tell me you haven't experimented in a nine and a half weeks way with food. I'd gamble. Gamble by name. You've experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way. James A. Custer.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

[James Acaster]

We've all experimented with food. Give me a cheer if you've experimented with food. Wow. They all have. And at the end, we did a food audit and there was one bit missing. One of the bits of melon that was there at the start, wasn't there at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

I just love you starting by counting them all. Like. Like an operation.

[Jonathan Fields]

I like to think that the melon was just resting in your anus, thinking, sweet revenge. Don't know where it was you get for prodding. Mine in the supermarket.

[James Acaster]

Disappeared. Gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Gone.

[James Acaster]

Nine and a half weeks later. Out it came out. It didn't.

[Jonathan Fields]

In the argument.

[James Acaster]

Never saw it again.

[Jonathan Fields]

Never saw it.

[James Acaster]

No. Never saw it again. Hide nor hair of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want that to be brought.

[Jonathan Fields]

Out of the dream restaurant like someone from. This is your life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Do you recognize this voice? Rod, get me the fuck out of here.

[Ed Gamble]

And you haven't seen the melons since that day?

[Jonathan Fields]

I believe in miracles, Rod. Your dream main course.

[James Acaster]

Dream main course. Right. Context.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

I can't decide what to have ever.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Like, I really struggle with indecision. And I get food and vita. Maybe it goes back to fhb. Right. Maybe that goes back to, like, there not being enough food to go around and you haven't done. But I. I can't decide. So if I'm in a. If we're in a restaurant, I'll. I'll make excuses. I'll have a look, whatever. I literally wander around. I'll make excuses to go to the loo. I'll make excuses to go and have a look at like a picture on the wall so I can have a look at what other people have. I get terrible food envy. And I can never make up my mind. It's because there's a lot of stress. There's a lot of stress on. Eating out is a big thing. You want to get it right. So I want to, you know, I want to get the best thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

On the menu. I don't want to it up. And. And so I. I quite often order several things.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Is that what you're going to do today then? Are you going to order?

[James Acaster]

So that's what I would do today.

[Jonathan Fields]

But loads of those.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of society would we be?

[James Acaster]

I would take it a little bit further than I normally do.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

So I've gone for. Might get a boo. Might be a bit boring. But I've gone for. I think as you get older, you just crave spice.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm not imagining being in a restaurant with you. And I'm so annoyed.

[James Acaster]

So annoyed.

[Ed Gamble]

Even now you're. Every time you get to a point where you think he's gonna Say a food, you go oh, just completely ping off in a different direction.

[James Acaster]

Well, next time I do your podcast, I'll just, I'll print it out and email it to you. I thought you wanted a bit of chat around the food chat. Print it out and slide it across to you and then you could just read it out yourself.

[Jonathan Fields]

I mean the day where we are able to do that, I can't wait. Just everyone signs up to a mailing list but just email it to him. That's what he wanted.

[James Acaster]

I like hot food. I like a curry. I've gone really boring. I've gone for a madras. But. And here's the but. I can never make a under in the madras. It'll say description of the madras, wouldn't it? Thick, hot, spicy. So and underneath it'll say choose from prawn chicken, beef, lamb. Yeah, I'm not choosing. I want all of the below. So I want a prawn lamb, beef, chicken, veg, madras.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow, that's pretty cool.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, I like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Every mouthful's a surprise.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, every mouthful. Well, I haven't worked out whether I want it all all in one dish. Cuz the sauce would be the same but they bring in different flavors. Aren't they the.

[Ed Gamble]

So you almost want little separate dishes.

[James Acaster]

I think, I think I'd have to have a separate little bowl of each.

[Jonathan Fields]

I think tiny little ones. So then you can go and flex and say you've eaten every animal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Any other animals that you want to put in there, Rod?

[James Acaster]

Well, I would have it, yeah, I would have it with special fried rice which has got king prawn, lamb, beef. Because I can't make up my mind what rice I want either. So luckily restaurants have catered for that with special fried rice. It's got everything in it. I like spicy food. And as you get older, like when I was in my 20s and 30s, I remember enjoying a curry or a chili or something, but I didn't like put Tabasco sauce on everything and add chili flakes to everything. I think as you get older I don't know whether your taste buds just get a bit less effective or whatever. I find myself spicing shit up a lot. And this is okay after coming through the cancer thing. Right. I won't dwell on this, I'll just keep it brief. Right. But I was on a feeding tube for a long time and I couldn't eat and I couldn't drink and I was. It was five hours in the night, seven hours overnight being fed through a tube. It's pretty Miserable, right. So when I was better, you know, thank you, NHS and wonderful doctors, I, When I got better, I, I decided, I thought what, you know, I miss, I'd miss food and taste and eating and, you know, I'd missed life and fucking. So I thought, right, I'm going to go and have a curry. And I thought, I'm going to risk. Because I'd also had my gallbladder out, so I thought, I'm going to risk having.

[Jonathan Fields]

Is that meant to happen? Were they meant to happen?

[James Acaster]

That wasn't part of the deal with. But I. So I had cancer and then I also had gallbladder infections and things, and gallstones, so I had to add that out as well, right on top of it. So I was in a bad way. But then when I came through it, I thought, I'm going to go out for a meal with friends, you know, which I haven't done, and I'm going to try a curry, which I haven't done, and I'm going to try a Madras, which I definitely haven't done. And I got through it and it was fine and I couldn't really taste a lot, but it was a nice evening and everything, right. And then the next day I said to Sian, I'm going to take the dog for a walk. And then about an hour later, I walked into the house with Rosie, our dog, on a lead, and I was completely naked. Sean went, where the fuck have you been? And I said, I've been walking the dogs, but halfway home I started to panic. Halfway home. And then I started running with the dog on a lead and that's. Well, I realize now it's one of the worst things you can do. And five minutes from the house, I just exploded. Exploded into my head.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, Trousers into your trousers.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, and it was coming down my leg. And you know that scene in the Great Escape where they're, where they're just kicking out the earth? They've done from the bottom of their trousers and, and it goes out over their shoe and. And then my dog started eating it. I'm in the fucking road at this point. So I, It's a quiet, we live in a rural area, but thank God I, I, I had, I got, I got undressed.

[Ed Gamble]

Why did you get completely naked?

[James Acaster]

I got, I, I took my, my boots up. They were ruined. This room in a hedge, you know what? Trousers in a head.

[Ed Gamble]

I understand. Everything on the lower half, you getting rid of.

[James Acaster]

By the time I'd got that stuff off, everything else was compromised.

[Ed Gamble]

So I threw the act of removing the stuff on the lower half tainted the top.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Transference.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Also, in Rod's defense, I think it was weirder to someone with just a T shirt on this Winnie the Pooh motherfucker if they're completely naked. I'll be like, well, that's a lifestyle choice. We live in a rural area.

[Ed Gamble]

Just out walking his dog.

[Jonathan Fields]

But, yeah, someone with just a T shirt.

[James Acaster]

I threw all my clothes in the hedge.

[Ed Gamble]

Just in the hedge.

[Jonathan Fields]

Great.

[James Acaster]

And then.

[Jonathan Fields]

Do you have any name in the labels?

[James Acaster]

I hosed. I got to the garden, hosed myself down, head to foot with the garden hose outside kind of thing, and then came into the house naked with the dog still on a lid. And Shawn went, where the fuck have you been? So that was my first madras back.

[Ed Gamble]

So just to check. You want a madras? Your dream main course.

[James Acaster]

I know. It hasn't put me off.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's amazing that it hasn't.

[James Acaster]

It is amazing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

That reminded me of a story that I've heard about you but never talked to you about. So I don't know if it's true that I think all comics tell each other this stories is just a funny story. And there's loads of stories of comedians having gigs. Other comedians tell each other, but you never get to speak to the person.

[James Acaster]

Which one is it?

[Jonathan Fields]

You on stage at the Comedy Store.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

And the story goes that you had been unwell. You went on stage, you shit yourself on stage, and then you said to the audience, I'm sorry. I'm quite sorry. I'm gonna have to go. I've shit myself.

[James Acaster]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, you don't say the bit at the end.

[James Acaster]

Is this how conversation works? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. No. Okay. I did Charlotte, who is my agent, still my agent for now. And Charlotte used to work at the Comedy Store. And they used. They were my agents. But the reason they became my agents was, yeah, years ago, I was only doing 10 minutes at the Comedy Store, so I was quite an early days of my career. And I had food poisoning. But it's the Comedy Store, right? It's a big. At that point, you know, it's like the gig everybody wants to get, wasn't it? It's a big gig. It's a big, you know, it's a big, exciting thing. Thing. Your first 10 minutes, you get to try out in front of Don Ward, who ran the Comedy Store and everything, you know. And so I thought, I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do It. I went on stage and after seven minutes, Yes, I had food poisoning and I shat myself in front of 500 people. Didn't go down the leg and over the shoe.

[Jonathan Fields]

Front row starts eating it.

[James Acaster]

Just shut myself. And after seven minutes, and you know how important it is if you're doing 10 minutes at the Comedy Store, they put a red light on for you at like nine minutes or whenever you've. You get off at ten.

[Ed Gamble]

I think I'd listen to my ten and a half.

[James Acaster]

Not eleven, not nine. You get off at ten. Right. Seven minutes. I thought, I've shot myself. So. But I kept going and I did. I did about eight. And I thought, this is ridiculous. Come on, have some fucking respect. So I sort of shuffled off through the door at the back of the stage and Don Ward, you know, the guy who set up the comedy, runs the Comedy Store, he came back and he went, mm, you only did eight minutes, my boy. And I said, I'm really sorry, but I've shat my trousers. I don't think I did tell the audience. I don't. But what did happen was I said, I'm really sorry, I've shut my. Myself. And he went on stage. I went, yeah. He went, and you still did eight minutes? I went. I went, yeah. And he went, have you got an agent? And he signed me up on the back of that on the basis that I had persevered. I've been sat myself and I've been with the same management ever since.

[Ed Gamble]

I have another story to ask you about, Rod, while we're on stories.

[James Acaster]

Is there another myself?

[Ed Gamble]

It's not yourself. It's food based, though. Is it true that once you and Greg Davis were doing gigs abroad and you'd been out all night, you know, out all night drinking, and I think you were having breakfast maybe in a casino or a hotel or something?

[James Acaster]

It wasn't a casino, it was a bar.

[Ed Gamble]

A bar. And there was another man who you didn't know who.

[James Acaster]

German guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So this is true?

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod, please, will you tell the story?

[James Acaster]

Well, we were in Hong Kong, I think, and we'd been. Sometimes those gigs can be a bit. Can be a bit of a party city and you're abroad and a bit giddy. And we went out to every night and on the final night we thought, we can't do it again. We're just gonna do the gig and have an early night and stuff. And then somebody suggested having a Sea Breeze cocktail, which I think is like a lot of juices, pineapple and grapefruit and stuff. Vodka. I don't. Anyway, half an hour later we were flying and ended up on the biggest night that we'd had and it was about 7 o'clock the next morning and we were being quite. We were being quite sort of. I think there's one point. We were spitting wine in each other's faces. It was all a bit, it all got a bit much. It all got a bit boredy and a bit much and we were just so drunk and so like.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh.

[James Acaster]

And yeah, I can remember him leaning over me spitting wine into my face and. And then, yeah, a really vague memory of a German man who don't. Every bar we went to he was there and every time we walked in he'd go, hello boys. All night. It's my only memory of this guy. And, and. And then in the morning we went to like a bar, was also doing breakfast and he was in there over a full breakfast, but just asleep. So his face was about 6 inches from the breakfast. And bit by bit me and Greg just went up and took a piece. So I'd go up and nick a sausage and then Greg would go up and Greg could go up and like, you know when you see a cat in a cartoon taking a sled, a rash of a bacon and it just sort of slides across the plate and then you stop because you think he's going to wake up. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And we lit and took it and then he woke up and there was completely empty plate of bread. But yeah, happy days.

[Jonathan Fields]

Your dream side dish.

[James Acaster]

Well, I am a big fan of potatoes.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[James Acaster]

But again, I can't choose dream restaurant. Why should I have to? So if we go out, if Shan and I go out, I will frequently, and I do do this, I will frequently not just have two or three mains but I will frequently have two or three sides.

[Jonathan Fields]

Right.

[James Acaster]

So for example, I think the last place we went out was somewhere like Cote. Right. And I will have a steak or something but then I have chips, mash and potato dauphine was. Yeah. So I will frequently have mash chips and potato dauphine rice with the thing. So what is in my dream restaurant? I would lob in Patatas Bravas, something in Wales that we call Tatto flats. Sort of thin, thin sort of pan fried potatoes, maybe a little bit of garlic on them maybe. So I would have five potato side dishes.

[Ed Gamble]

Very popular.

[Jonathan Fields]

I agree with you.

[James Acaster]

So you've got no other kinds of potato.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got the little pots of curry with different, different meats. And veggies.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I think. I think I've got a special fried rice from. Oh, we got a song about this. No.

[Jonathan Fields]

Have you actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you actually got a song about this?

[James Acaster]

Well, we got a song about a Chinese restaurant in Kamardan.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, can we just check?

[James Acaster]

Chant.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I'd say someone saying, I've got a song about a Chinese restaurant never ends well.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

We're going to go to Magic Walk. We're going to go to Magic Walk. We're going to go to Magic Walk. You'll never guess which takeaway it is.

[Jonathan Fields]

Is that to the tune of a.

[James Acaster]

I bet you Sean is joining in like they were gonna go to mad. What tune is it, though? Animal Hospital.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the tune of Animal Hospital.

[James Acaster]

Animal Hospital.

[Jonathan Fields]

It's the chamul Hospital.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah, that's the tune.

[Ed Gamble]

The theme tune of Animal Hospital.

[James Acaster]

Oh, we're gonna.

[Jonathan Fields]

Apologies, Sean.

[James Acaster]

I think actually that was actually in our wedding vows. That song was in our wedding vows, yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

What?

[James Acaster]

The wedding. Honestly.

[Jonathan Fields]

You just repeated that like you had no memory of it whatsoever. Like you are in a home and she has visited you and said, that was in our wedding. Our wedding vows.

[James Acaster]

What did I tell you?

[Jonathan Fields]

You wife just completely naked again.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a forgetful guy. During the wedding bell, he walked out and then forgot what was going on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, forgetful. I told you, forgetful.

[Jonathan Fields]

So I forgot.

[James Acaster]

That was enough. I'd forgotten that song was in our wedding.

[Jonathan Fields]

Who, Sean, Was it you or Rod or both of you who sung it at the wedding?

[Ed Gamble]

We didn't sing it. Somebody quoted it.

[James Acaster]

The celebrant.

[Jonathan Fields]

The celebrant said, and do you vow to go to Magic Walk? We're gonna go to Magic Walk.

[James Acaster]

She said something.

[Jonathan Fields]

We're going to Magic Walk.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you.

[James Acaster]

Do you.

[Ed Gamble]

What was it? Do you promise to love each other forever even though you sing the Magic Walk song? That's lovely. That's the sort of thing I'd remember, I reckon.

[James Acaster]

Love you forever off. I never said that. Embarrassing me in front of the old pallad. Give me a. Give me a puff of bread. I'm gonna shag it so I feel like a man again. You bend over, you pass me a melon. Bloody humiliating.

[Jonathan Fields]

What's your. What's the best dishes that magic Wok.

[James Acaster]

What is shutting it.

[Ed Gamble]

But an awful.

[James Acaster]

It's not even still open. And also, it's not even my favorite restaurant in Carmarthen. My favorite Chinese restaurant in Kemalan is the Quang Yik, where I had my first Chinese food when I was a teenager.

[Ed Gamble]

That's your favorite restaurant.

[James Acaster]

My favorite takeaway Chinese. My favorite sit down Chinese. Now that's a different question, if that's why you're asking. My favorite sit down Chinese. We call it Happy birthday. Chinese is because they do a birthday. Boy do they do a birthday every 90 seconds. A fucking birthday. Like planes into Heathrow. Happy birthday. And not just the wait, not just the owners or the waiter. It is the kitchen staff come out, the place kicks off. I've been going there for 30 plus years.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that Magic Walk?

[James Acaster]

No, no, this is Maxim in North Fields in London. Same, same two guys run it. They've been there since the 90s. Little Lloyd Langford and I used to go there back in the 90s when we lived around the corner. Still going. I'm still. We still go there, don't we love? She's gone. Still go there. Especially on a birthday. Birthday. They love a birthday. Plus they've got a cake that is a unicorn cake that they bring out sometimes that is. Well, I mean it's just a cake with a dildo stuck on it. It's not, it's not. It's a unicorn cake. But it looks like when they first brought it out, everybody thought, why are they bringing out a cake with a dildo on the dope. Oh, it's a unicorn cake. I see. It's quite sweet. That's my favorite sit down Chinese. Why are we talking about this? Hang on, let me work backwards. Magic walk, song about it. Wedding vows back before that. Side dishes. How do we get onto this? My side dishes are all potato based.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, man. This is actually quite a tragic episode really.

[Jonathan Fields]

I honestly have no idea how we go. This is more confusing than Inception. Just going back through the layers and trying to find how the hell.

[James Acaster]

It's like momento, isn't it?

[Jonathan Fields]

It is like momento. However, Christopher Nolan films.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you said you were going to have. You said you were going to have fried rice as well, Rod.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yes, I think I. Yes, I got it. I got this, everyone. So I'm going to have a plate of special fried rice, probably from Maxim because I'm sitting down. Probably some Maxim in Northfields near South Ealing in West London. Then I'm going to have a little pot of prawn madras beef madras lamb madras chicken madras veggie madras with a sides of chips skin on and fries. Mash potato, dauphinoise, patatas, bravas, tatto flats like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Jonathan Fields]

There's quite a busy table.

[James Acaster]

It is a busy table. Luckily they've got a lazy Susan in maximum. I can just keep it going.

[Jonathan Fields]

Would you like it to be someone's birthday? If you're in Happy birthday Chinese, it's always someone's birthday.

[James Acaster]

And Happy birthday, Chinese.

[Jonathan Fields]

Whose birthday would you like it to be?

[James Acaster]

I feel like I've got to say yours now. I would like it to be my lovely wife, Charles.

[Jonathan Fields]

Love you forever, baby.

[James Acaster]

Love you forever, darling. We do go there every. Every birthday. I was gonna say once a year.

[Jonathan Fields]

So you go for your birthdays as well?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we do go for my birthday. And so you've had them last year on Sian's birthday.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you go there twice a year? You go there twice a year?

[James Acaster]

We go there more than twice a year. We go there whenever there's a birthday, but only once per birthday. Because we don't just not.

[Ed Gamble]

But you said once a year. You said once a year before.

[James Acaster]

No, we go there once a year for Sian's birthday, once a year for my birthday, and then sometimes other people.

[Ed Gamble]

I wasn't. No one thought you were going there twice a year for Sian's birthday. That would be insanity. Rod, time for visit 2. Happy birthday Chinese.

[Jonathan Fields]

So you go once a year for Sian's birthday?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Once a year for your birthday?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Any other times?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Are they people's birthdays?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Fields]

Whose birthdays?

[James Acaster]

Well, lots of our friends. Greg, for example, they also enjoy it. Now, once I took Lloyd Langford. I'm not sure if you know Lloyd Langford. He's a great friend of ours and a wonderful comedian now based in Australia, but I once took him there. It wasn't his birthday, but we told him that it was. That.

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[Jonathan Fields]

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[James Acaster]

Race the sails.

[Jonathan Fields]

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[James Acaster]

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[Jonathan Fields]

Your dream drink, Rod.

[James Acaster]

That's a hard. It's too hard.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's too hard to have one drink that goes with all the courses.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Can I have a drink with each course?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yep. Yeah. We've let people do that before. We've done it before when we chose our menus.

[James Acaster]

Aperitif, Sea Breeze. To get me in the fucking mood.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If I'm gonna eat this nut, I am gonna need some energy from somewhere. And that stuff. Not a Red Bull. Nicked. It gives you wings. Sea Breeze gives you wings. And crow's feet.

[Ed Gamble]

Sea Breeze gives you wings.

[James Acaster]

That's how crazy it is.

[Ed Gamble]

And crow's feet. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Wings and crow's feet. That's how much you fly when you're on Sea Breeze.

[Ed Gamble]

How much do you think the feet are the thing helping the crow fly?

[James Acaster]

It's less. Less wind resistance with crow's feet than there are with a big old pair of trainers. Like that, for example.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I can't argue with that. If a crow was wearing my trainers, it wouldn't fly as fast.

[Jonathan Fields]

Good luck flying with them on, Ed.

[James Acaster]

You stick them on a crow and see and see how well it flies.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, I'm. I'm sorry. Do you think you're going to fly? Cuz you're not not wearing them.

[James Acaster]

Well, you think you can still fly with them on? You dream.

[Jonathan Fields]

You dreaming.

[James Acaster]

You are dreaming. What are we talking about? Hello.

[Ed Gamble]

Wants to fly The Sea Breeze Fly. Right.

[James Acaster]

She's trying us. And they're garish.

[Ed Gamble]

They are garish.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, they're garish.

[James Acaster]

That's the crow talking. Don't shoot the messenger.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, that's his crow character. The crow says some very mean things. You'll have to forgive the crow.

[Ed Gamble]

What color are a crow's feet?

[James Acaster]

What color are a crow's feet?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Purple.

[Jonathan Fields]

That was Morph. Morph.

[James Acaster]

Morph. When he looked at me, I said purple. He looked at me like a. Like I got it slightly wrong. So I went for true.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know what color a crow's feet are.

[James Acaster]

Crimson.

[Ed Gamble]

Crimson. Thank you. It's quite garish.

[James Acaster]

Crimson.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod, you wanted a Sea breeze cuz it gives you wings.

[James Acaster]

Seab Breeze aperitif then. What are we on to then? Sparkling water throughout, please.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

A fizzy water. What's next? Starters?

[Jonathan Fields]

Y.

[James Acaster]

Forget it. I'll be too busy looking for the melon.

[Jonathan Fields]

Already. This is absolutely pointless this time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you can Have a drink with every course by the starter. Forget that.

[Jonathan Fields]

Don't want that. Actually. My main either.

[James Acaster]

I've got more important things to worry about. What was next? Mains. Oh, like a cobra or a kingfisher with a curry.

[Jonathan Fields]

Right, yeah. Kingfisher.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Which one, though? That's very. That's an important choice. The cobra or king?

[James Acaster]

Is it? I can't tell the difference. Is there a big difference between a.

[Ed Gamble]

Cobra and a kingfisher? Don't think a cobra can fly, mate.

[Jonathan Fields]

It doesn't even have feet.

[James Acaster]

Cobra.

[Ed Gamble]

Cobra. Lovely.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah. Good on you.

[James Acaster]

Is that the right choice?

[Jonathan Fields]

I love cobra so much. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's the curry done. Oh, that's it. So we're up to.

[Jonathan Fields]

So you've had one drink. You've had. You basically added one extra one sea breeze. You've got a sea breeze and a cobra.

[James Acaster]

That's all sea breeze. Sparkly water.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sparkly water you already had in the water course.

[Ed Gamble]

So is the cobra your dream drink, or do you want to add another drink?

[James Acaster]

God, that's a difficult question. Can't I have a dream drink with each course? Have I misunderstood the. It's people walking out this. I did not pay to see somebody try and grasp the concept.

[Jonathan Fields]

See you, Sean.

[James Acaster]

Love you forever. I didn't understand. The question is.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I think you're fine because you wanted to drink with every course. So we're fine. We're sorted apart from starter. So we got the seab breeze, we got the sparkling water, and we got.

[James Acaster]

Yes. I don't want to drink of my starter.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, lovely. Fine. Yeah. No, we. We all remember that.

[Jonathan Fields]

Don't want one with your starter.

[James Acaster]

Forcing drinks on people.

[Jonathan Fields]

You. Basically.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna worry about people who force drinks on people. Head.

[Jonathan Fields]

You would like it. A pair of teeth is what you mean.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Oh, no. Because I'll have a different drink with my dessert.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, yeah. So that's something to look forward to.

[James Acaster]

When we eventually get to dessert.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, when we eventually get to dessert.

[James Acaster]

But should be anytime now.

[Jonathan Fields]

What is your dream dessert? Might as well. Instead of when people are leaving for their trains, we should probably say the dream dessert while we're here.

[James Acaster]

If it would help people with public transport, I can skip dessert.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, they won't be able to sleep tonight. Some people have flown here from America.

[James Acaster]

Why?

[Jonathan Fields]

Your dream dessert. Rod Gilbert.

[James Acaster]

Honorable mention. Honorable mention to affogato.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[James Acaster]

And a damn blanche.

[Ed Gamble]

What a pardon.

[James Acaster]

A damn blanche.

[Jonathan Fields]

I don't know what that is.

[James Acaster]

It's like a fret. It's a French Ice cream dessert with vanilla ice cream and chocolate hot chocolate sauce. Very simple, but done well. Very good. It would have been two years ago, it would have been a really nice rice pudding with a skin. But it's been ruined for me because this is gallbladder related. Not me this time.

[Jonathan Fields]

Worse.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So much worse. Where's this going?

[Jonathan Fields]

Someone else's gallbladder has ruined food for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So context. Couldn't eat, couldn't drink, being fed by a tube, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In hospital. Eventually had my gallbladder out. Was able to eat again. Day one of being able to eat. I ordered in the hospital a lovely rice pudding. But I was on a gastro ward with approximately 35 people, all with dicky tummies. So my rice pudding arrived and I was happily eating away. And then the guy whose name I won't mention in the bed next to me pulled his alarm thing and nurses ran over, whizzed the curtain round and I didn't see what was happening. But when you're one meter away from three people lifting a man onto a commode, you don't need to see much. And that man. That man, absolutely just, you know, that Dumb and Dumber. You know that scene in Dumb and Dumb? Yeah, it was. It was. I was eating my iceberry and all I could do, one, I could reach out and put my hand on his shoulder. Through the curtains, all I could hear was nurse.

[Ed Gamble]

Why was he screaming for the nurse if she was there already?

[James Acaster]

It was squealing, screaming. And the most prolonged. You wouldn't think that it was possible to fart for that long without any. So I.

[Ed Gamble]

What do you mean?

[James Acaster]

I'm not in the middle of my rice pudding. This is one meter away.

[Ed Gamble]

When you say fart for that long with no.

[James Acaster]

Without the noise stopping.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. I thought you said I didn't start timing it.

[James Acaster]

I wish I'd started timing it at the start.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought you meant he was just farting.

[James Acaster]

No, no, no. He was on a commode, but exploding, but with one sustained where that can is. But there was just a curtain between us and I was sitting in my.

[Ed Gamble]

Chair with this pudding.

[James Acaster]

So I grabbed my uv. My iv, not uv.

[Jonathan Fields]

You wait to see if there was anything else.

[James Acaster]

I grabbed my IV drip and took my rice pudding and. And shuffled out and went in. Out of the ward into the corridor and I ducked into the toilet where I ate my rice pudding standing up. Not in the cubicle, just standing. Leaning against the sink. Just. I ate my rice pudding.

[Ed Gamble]

Can you see yourself in the mirror at this point as well?

[James Acaster]

No, I had my back to the mirror.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

And then when I came out, I finished the rice pudding. It was quiet in there. There was nobody else in there. It was great. And then when I came out, immediately to the right of where I was, it was like a day room with a comfortable chairs and a TV on and people watching. People eating rice pudding. Watching Bargain until whatever there was. So it's not rice pudding?

[Ed Gamble]

No, no.

[Jonathan Fields]

God, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Weirdly, but was that an honorable mention?

[James Acaster]

No, it didn't get an honorable mention.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it didn't feel very honorable.

[James Acaster]

Two years ago it would have been rice pudding.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Honorable mention. Affogato and Dan Blanche, my winner. And I'm gonna have to read this because I've wrote it down.

[Jonathan Fields]

I tell you what, I would say that if I'd experienced that story you're just told. Affogato and Dan Blanche will be out too.

[James Acaster]

My winner. I don't know if anyone's going to have heard of this. Give me a cheer if you've heard of this. It's torrija de la baqueria, Conelado de mantecado. Have you really.

[Jonathan Fields]

Someone else over there? No, someone over there has.

[James Acaster]

Torija. See, I had one last week. Where in Spain?

[Jonathan Fields]

Story checks out.

[James Acaster]

Don't get cocky. We're in Spain.

[Jonathan Fields]

You live in Malaga. You flying here for. Just for this gig.

[Ed Gamble]

Is anyone here from England? Yeah, I'm here for all four.

[James Acaster]

You're here for all four of them, you sad fucker. Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you. We appreciate your custom.

[James Acaster]

I mean, thank you and welcome.

[Jonathan Fields]

You came on your own, obviously.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't worry, Rod won't be here tomorrow.

[James Acaster]

Hey, Juan. Juan. Do you fancy flying over to the UK to watch the same show four nights in a row? No.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod is not going to be the same show tomorrow night, mate.

[Jonathan Fields]

You know what I mean?

[James Acaster]

You know what I mean? Torika. See? Did you like it? Loved it. How would you describe it?

[Jonathan Fields]

Kind of like French toast almost that someone's kicking off at the back.

[James Acaster]

What? It's like. It's like a. It's like. It's like a. Right. I print. I. I googled it because I wanted to know what it was. It's the best thing I've ever experienced.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I had my.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sorry. Sian. Those vowels go down the toilet pretty fast.

[James Acaster]

Sian was there too, and she would agree that it's the best thing she's ever. Would you not? Sean?

[Ed Gamble]

When was this? Uh.

[Jonathan Fields]

Oh, right.

[James Acaster]

Listen, listen. There's a problem. There's a problem here. There's a problem here. You don't. You're not recognizing the name Torija. But if I said to you that kind of bread and butter pudding we had in Alicante served in a cow.

[Ed Gamble]

Sing the song.

[James Acaster]

Was it the thing? Was it served in a cow? The one that was served in the china cow. Yeah. Yes. Okay.

[Jonathan Fields]

Not ringing any bells, Rod?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was really nice. It was served in a China cow.

[James Acaster]

Really nice.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, well, she doesn't.

[Ed Gamble]

What we've established tonight, Rod, is that you and your wife share no happy memories.

[James Acaster]

We went to Alicante. We went to a restaurant called La Taberna del Gourmet. I will pay for you both to go there to try this thing. It's a bit like.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sorry, what?

[James Acaster]

It's a. Yeah, I will. I will. It's the. Don't listen to Sean. It's quite nice. It's not quite nice. It's like it's. This is what it is. It's stale bread soaked in.

[Jonathan Fields]

You'll pay for us both to go there.

[James Acaster]

I'll pay for you both to go there to try this dish.

[Jonathan Fields]

Okay?

[James Acaster]

I will pay for you to go there. Hotels. Try this dish and you will come back and you will. Honestly, you will. You will never be the same again.

[Ed Gamble]

Rod, you know we've. Shut up. We make our own money now.

[James Acaster]

I know, but I want you to try it on me. A gift.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

A gift. This is what it is technically. Stale bread soaked in citrus infused custard, slash milk, fried and sweetened. It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee bread and butter pudding. French toast it is. And the one I had. We had was served in a china cow with a little pail hanging off its horn. And the ice cream was in that. Elado is ice cream, so it's called Elado de Monte Carlo. Mantecado is like a egg based, custardy, vanillary, nutmegy, cinnamony ice cream. It is mine.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Beautiful.

[James Acaster]

It is quite nice. Quite nice. We raved about that dessert. We had a song about it. He's the most remarkable thing I have ever had in my mouth and I've had mouth cancer.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I hope you gave the chef that compliment.

[James Acaster]

I said, this is the most memorable thing I have ever had in my mouth. And I've had mouth cancer.

[Jonathan Fields]

I. I've. Well, I've had. I think I've had this. I didn't know it was called this, but when I was in the Basque Country, I had basically exactly what you've described, but with a different type of ice cream. And it was my dream dessert when we last did our dream menus.

[James Acaster]

It was your dream dessert?

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah, it was amazing. I just said it was the French toast that I had in that place, but it was like bruleed on the outside. It was definitely soaked in, like a lemony thing in the middle. It was like scooping ice cream. The French toast, it was so soft and smooth.

[James Acaster]

It's incredible.

[Jonathan Fields]

There's footage of me eating it with Joe Lycett and both of us are dancing as we're eating it. Not trying to be funny. It just is making us do that. It wasn't served in a cow, which I'm gutted about now to discover that that was an option. But I agree, it's phenomenal. And apparently that place shouted it out on the podcast. Obviously, Joe and I went there for Travelman and some friends of mine went there to have the dessert when they were on holiday. And as they were ordering it, the waiter was like. And they went, you're right. And every English person orders it. It is because of that travel man show. They keep on coming in and ordering this. We'll keep making it all the time.

[James Acaster]

That's why it's so good. That's why I said, I would like to. I'll pay for you all to go there and try it. I will.

[Jonathan Fields]

We're going to Alex Day.

[James Acaster]

What an end to the show. If we got a trip for you.

[Jonathan Fields]

Guys, that'll be the highlight of that one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. The whole plane. The whole plane is there. Comes down going, what would everyone like to drink?

[James Acaster]

Fizada it is. You will just ejaculate immediately.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Jonathan Fields]

Like an angel.

[James Acaster]

The whole restaurant was. Everybody was just ejaculating everywhere. W. Everyone.

[Jonathan Fields]

And you don't remember this, Sean, how.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you not remember the.

[James Acaster]

The restaurant with the arcs of spunkness? Everything just. It was. It was like that tomato festival with spunk.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sounds memorable.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you don't remember it.

[Ed Gamble]

She remembers it. She just said it was quite nice.

[James Acaster]

It isn't quite it. It's fun. I cannot express to you how wonderful it is. Also with it, I would have a jug. I would have a pint of cream because. A pint. A pint. When I was a teenager, I used to go. My first girlfriend, we were. When we just in that teens where you get. You start to drive, you get a bit independent, you start to go out for meals together rather than with your family. And we were both really into cream and with. Everywhere we went, whatever dessert, we would all order, like a jug of cream with it. And I. I still, absolutely. I'm obsessed with cream. Any cream? Whipped cream, single cream, double cream, sour cream, Creme fresh. You name a cream, I love it. Squirty anything.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sun cream.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So I listen, I'm right behind sun cream.

[Ed Gamble]

And is the pint of cream your drink that you're having with the dessert?

[James Acaster]

Is there a What? Sorry, sorry, it's my hearing aids.

[Jonathan Fields]

Sorry, but it's still funny.

[James Acaster]

Or is the pint of cream the.

[Ed Gamble]

Drink that you're having with.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, no, he's asking you about the drink, Rod.

[James Acaster]

Bruce Forsyth is married here, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

What drink would you like?

[James Acaster]

My old school chum prefects Together we were, me and Bruchy.

[Jonathan Fields]

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now, Rod, and see how you feel about it.

[James Acaster]

By the way, the drink with dessert is two bottles of Bailey's and a bag of ice. Anyway.

[Jonathan Fields]

The bag of rice.

[James Acaster]

Bag of ice and what?

[Ed Gamble]

You're doing it now.

[James Acaster]

Bag of ice, dear.

[Jonathan Fields]

Always a bag of rice. I thought your mum was making it.

[Ed Gamble]

Fit for a king.

[Jonathan Fields]

You would like sparkling water. You would like plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter and a little bowl of the stuff that's left on the plate. You would like Parma ham and the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon. Main course, prawn lamb, chicken, beef veg, madras in separate bowls. And special fried rice from Maxim. Side dish, mash chips, Skin on fries. Skin on and fries. Potato dauphinoise, potatoes tartus bravas and tatto flats.

[James Acaster]

Tatto flats, Tatto flats.

[Jonathan Fields]

Pretty sure I said that.

[Ed Gamble]

Looking forward to hearing you do the dessert, James.

[James Acaster]

Let's really hear it as well.

[Jonathan Fields]

Drink a sea breeze as you're a pair of teeth and a cobra with your curry dessert.

[James Acaster]

Here we go. Quiet everyone, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Torrija no.

[Jonathan Fields]

Hariba, torika, torica, cassera de brioche. De brioche. Conjalado de Montecado from Latapen, Taberna del Gorme in Alicante.

[James Acaster]

You know I said I'd like to fly you both there.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Can I definitely come with you? Me? I want to hear this abroad.

[Jonathan Fields]

Absolutely, Rod, you can come with us. And you'd like a pint of cream with that and two bottles of Bailey and a bag of ice. The off menu menu of Rod Gilbert.

[Ed Gamble]

Gilbert. I think it's a fantastic menu, Rod. The only person who's picked a main course that made them violently themselves.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's interesting that that didn't put me off, but the guy in the next bed having dia did put me off. Rice pudding. Interesting that.

[Ed Gamble]

Give it up for Rod Gilbert.

[Jonathan Fields]

Thank you for coming, everyone.

[Ed Gamble]

Bye bye. Thank you tomorrow. Bye bye.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much. You've been brilliant. There we are, James. What a night that was with Rod.

[Jonathan Fields]

What an absolute treat. Thank you so much, Rod. And thank you to the audience as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, thank you, Rod, for not saying Battenberg. We could keep you on the Palladium grounds.

[Jonathan Fields]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And it gives us an opportunity to remind all of you listening that Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit, including a date at the event in Apollo Hammersmith in London on 12 June. Rodgilbert comedian.com for tickets. But he's not the only one doing live shows, James.

[Jonathan Fields]

No, we are as well. We're bringing off menu live. The tasting menus to the Royal Albert hall in London in March 2026 go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm buzzing, James. I'm buzzing for the Royal Albert hall shows.

[Jonathan Fields]

They're going to be cray cray, but.

[Ed Gamble]

If you just want another taste of us live, we are releasing the rest of the Palladium shows on the first Monday of every month in the order that they were recorded. So stick around cuz in May on Monday 5th May. Julian Clary Baby by.

[Rod Gilbert]

Now at Verizon we have some big news for your peace of mind for all our customers, existing and new. We're locking in low prices for three years guaranteed on MyPlan and my home. That's future you peace of mind and everyone can save on a brand new phone on MyPlan. When you trade in any phone from one of our top brands, that's new phone piece of mind. Because at Verizon, whether you're already a customer or you're just joining us, we got you. Visit Verizon today. Price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

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[Paige DeSorbo]

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