Ep 291: Julian Clary (Live in London)

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Episode 291: Julian Clary (Live in London) Summary

Release Date: May 5, 2025

In Episode 291 of "Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster," the beloved British comedians, Ed Gamble and James Acaster, host a vibrant live session at the London Palladium featuring none other than the effervescent Julian Clary. This episode blends humor, personal anecdotes, and culinary dreams, creating a memorable experience for both the audience and listeners.

---

1. Introduction and Setting the Stage

The episode opens with Ed announcing additional dates for "Off Menu Live" at the Royal Albert Hall, setting an enthusiastic tone for the live recording. Although the transcript includes several advertisements in the early minutes, the main content kicks off prominently around the 3-minute mark when Julian Clary is introduced.

Notable Quote:

• Ed Gamble [03:30]: "It's a live episode of Off Menu from the London Palladium, recorded 21st of March, 2025. Very excited because our special guest is the wonderful Julian Clary. A true national treasure."

---

2. Welcoming Julian Clary

Ed and James warmly welcome Julian Clary, immediately establishing a friendly and humorous rapport. Julian's witty remarks and playful interactions with the hosts set the stage for an engaging conversation filled with laughter and candid moments.

Notable Quotes:

• James Acaster [04:17]: "We're very honored to share the stage with Julian."
• Julian Clary [07:23]: "Yes, well, it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it?"

---

3. Discussing the Dream Meal Format

Ed explains the concept of "Off Menu," where guests select their favorite starter, main course, side dish, dessert, and drink. Julian is then guided through this culinary journey, sharing his preferences and personal stories related to each choice.

Notable Quote:

• James Acaster [05:38]: "Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite in a guest. We ask them to order their dream starter, main course, side dish, dessert, and drink, not in that order."

---

4. Dream Starter: Enhanced Pumpkin Soup vs. Deep Fried Du de Montaigne Cheese

Julian is presented with two intriguing starter options. He recounts a humorous and somewhat scandalous story about discovering "Du de Montaigne cheese" under unexpected circumstances, highlighting his penchant for unexpected culinary experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Julian Clary [17:05]: "I wolfed that cheese down in one sitting and it was delicious."
• James Acaster [17:16]: "That was really interesting!"

---

5. Dream Main Course: Southern Indian Fish Stew

Choosing the main course, Julian opts for a Southern Indian fish stew, sharing a poignant yet humorous childhood memory that gives depth to his aversion to meaty stews. His storytelling provides insight into his personal tastes and the origins of his culinary preferences.

Notable Quote:

• Julian Clary [27:03]: "It's sort of Southern Indian, I think, quite coconutty and it's delicious."

---

6. Dream Side Dish: Ladies Fingers (Okra) with Rice or Mango Chutney

For his side dish, Julian selects "ladies fingers," also known as okra, paired with rice and mango chutney. The conversation includes playful debates about pronunciations and the texture of okra, adding a layer of humor to the culinary discussion.

Notable Quote:

• James Acaster [35:35]: "Ladies fingers. Any other options?"
• Julian Clary [32:02]: "Okra. Okay. And rice, of course."

---

7. Dream Drinks: Nigel Havers's Vodka Martini and Pale White Wine with Ice

Julian's drink selection is a highlight of the episode. He requests a specially made vodka martini by Nigel Havers, a staple in the London Palladium pantomimes, and prefers a very pale white wine with large ice cubes. His detailed description of Nigel's martini preparation adds a theatrical flair to the conversation.

Notable Quotes:

• Julian Clary [36:38]: "It would have to be made by Nigel Havers... he brings me to my room with a couple of cheese straws in the top pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt."
• James Acaster [39:17]: "So you want a very pale white wine with one large cube of ice in it as your dream drink."

---

8. Dream Dessert: Pavlova with Dragon Fruit and Pomegranate

Ending the meal on a sweet note, Julian chooses pavlova adorned with dragon fruit and pomegranate. He fondly reminisces about his mother's homemade pavlova, juxtaposed with the modern twist of exotic fruits, illustrating his blend of traditional and contemporary tastes.

Notable Quotes:

• Julian Clary [49:36]: "I love a knob in my baguette. Sometimes a knob."
• James Acaster [51:24]: "Would you like your mother to tip the remainder of the pavlova down your dad's shirt?"

---

9. Reviewing the Dream Meal and Final Banter

Ed and James recap Julian's dream meal, ensuring all elements are covered. The hosts and Julian engage in further humorous exchanges, including playful jabs and witty retorts, maintaining a lively and entertaining atmosphere until the episode's conclusion.

Notable Quote:

• Ed Gamble [58:34]: "Nigel Haver's vodka martini with a twist. And he can back out of the room and not stay for the meal."
• Julian Clary [58:55]: "Sounds lovely. Exactly what I want. Thank you."

---

10. Closing Remarks and Future Engagements

As the episode draws to a close, Ed and James inform listeners about Julian's ongoing tour and upcoming shows, promoting both Julian's performances and future "Off Menu Live" events. Julian's charismatic departure leaves the audience with a sense of joy and anticipation for more episodes to come.

Notable Quotes:

• Julian Clary [59:15]: "Bye bye."
• James Acaster [60:19]: "See you. Bye Bye."

---

Highlights and Insights

• Humorous Storytelling: Julian's anecdotes, such as the incident with the "Du de Montaigne cheese" and his mother's pavlova, infuse the episode with humor and personality.

• Culinary Preferences: The detailed discussion of meal choices offers listeners a glimpse into Julian's tastes and the thought process behind dream meals.

• Engaging Banter: The interplay between Ed, James, and Julian showcases the hosts' chemistry and Julian's quick wit, making the episode both entertaining and relatable.

---

Conclusion

Episode 291 of "Off Menu" stands out as a delightful fusion of comedy, personal storytelling, and culinary exploration. Julian Clary's vibrant personality and the hosts' engaging interactions create an episode that is both entertaining and informative. Whether you're a fan of the podcast or new to it, this episode offers a taste of the unique blend of humor and heart that "Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster" is celebrated for.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

Huge news from Off Menu towers.

[James Acaster]

James Big announcements.

[Ed Gamble]

We've just added extra dates for Off Menu Live the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday 15th March 2026 at 2pm Sunday 15th March at 7.30pm it's on Sunday 15th March two shows 2026 tickets from RoyalAlbert Hall.com.

[Unknown]

And ctickets.com BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30 second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out. Feels better right? That's 15 seconds of self care. Imagine what you could do with more. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax.

Moms deserve our very best. Especially on Mother's Day. There's only one place I trust to deliver high quality mom approved rose bouquets. 1-800-flowers.com this year 1-800-flowers wants to make sure all the mothers in your life get the best with double the roses for free. When you buy one dozen, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen roses. To claim the double roses offer go to 1-800-flowers.com acast. That's 1-800-flowers.Com acast, the official florist of Mother's Day.

If you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself. From prep work to alignment and testing, it's your team's job to put it all together. That's why it's good to have Grainger on your side. With industrial grade products and next day delivery, Grainger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation. Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickgrainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Julian Clary]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assist switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail].

[Unknown]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee full [e-mail] Optimize.

[James Acaster]

Your nutrition this year with Factor America's number one ready to eat Meal service factor's fresh, never frozen meals are dietitian approved. Ready to eat in just two minutes, choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like calorie smart, protein plus, and keto. Eat [e-mail] listen50 and use code listen50 for 50% off plus free shipping. On your first box. Factormeals.com listen50 code listen50.

[Ed Gamble]

It'S another. Oh, okay. Just go ahead and do it, man.

[James Acaster]

I'm getting ready.

[Ed Gamble]

Go on getting ready. Do it. Just go straight in. It's a. I can't do it as well as you. I'll. I'll let you do that one. It's a live episode of Off Menu from the London Palladium, recorded 21st of March, 2025. Very excited because our special guest is the wonderful Julian Clary. A true national treasure.

[James Acaster]

A wonderful night. We're honored to be on Julian's turf, really. The Palladium performs there a lot. Just the panto there. We're very honored to share the stage with Julian. Now, obviously, it's another one of the shows, the live shows, where there'd already been a first half. We'd talk to the audience a bit, so maybe we'll back reference some stuff. It won't make total sense, but it'll still be a laugh.

[Ed Gamble]

It'll still be a laugh. It mainly makes sense. I would say that my intro at the top of the live shows does relate to a menu of the audience members in the first half. So, yes, if you're like, ed's lost his mind.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I haven't.

[Ed Gamble]

In context, that is actually great.

[James Acaster]

The audience also helped us choose a secret ingredient for Julian as well. And if Julian says the secret ingredient, as in if he includes it in his menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We would have kicked him out of the Palladium.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Could you believe that? You can't kick Julian.

[James Acaster]

You can't do that.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't do it. Mint Terry's. Terry's Chocolate Orange. Yes, very.

[James Acaster]

I didn't even know there was a mint version.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they're not popular, I don't think. And it was a popular secret ingredient choice in the room, I think. I think it was a good one to go with. Will Julian say mint Terry's Chocolate Orange?

[James Acaster]

Hopefully not. But Julian is on tour now with a Fistful of Clary, including a date at the London Palladium on 17 May. So for tickets go to julianclary.co.uk well.

[Ed Gamble]

Let'S get on with it. This is the off menu menu of.

[James Acaster]

Julian Clary live at the Palladium.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Taking the soft serve ice cream of conversation, adding the tongue of a dying.

[James Acaster]

Nath.

[Ed Gamble]

Who you hate of humor.

[James Acaster]

Sort of.

[Ed Gamble]

No other elements to that really, are there?

[James Acaster]

No. You really went all in with the details.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a dying nan soft soda ice cream at McDonald's podcast.

[James Acaster]

That is Ed Gavel. My name is James A Catherine. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite in a guest. We ask them a favor. Everstart and main course, dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Julian Clary.

[Ed Gamble]

You all know Julian Clary. You love Julian Clary. He's absolutely fantastic. A national treas, James.

[James Acaster]

A national treas. And you all know the secret ingredient. The opposite of a national treasure.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So keep that in your head. And if it comes up, I mean, we haven't had to do this in a live episode, but we're going to kick Julian Clary out the properly, face.

[Ed Gamble]

To face, have we? Only once. On a zoom episode.

[James Acaster]

Yes. So, you know, we'll see what happens if. If it happens.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Fingers crossed. It won't.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, Julian is at the Palladium so often, I think we would be the ones who have to leave.

[James Acaster]

And rightfully so. Kicked out. Like Fred Flintstone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

You know. Yeah, I know.

[Ed Gamble]

I know some who don't know, mate. They're not. They're the ones not back.

[James Acaster]

No, they don't know Alex Mack. I don't know what the I'm doing.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of Julia Clary.

[Julian Clary]

What a thrill. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a thrill for us. Julian, you look fantastic. A lovely outfit.

[James Acaster]

What a lovely outfit.

[Julian Clary]

Yes, well, it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it? Just goes to show, we do allow the occasional heterosexual into this building. You never know when you've got a wardrobe that needs shifting.

[Ed Gamble]

This is a real buzz for me. I come to see the panto every year, Julian, so to be on stage with you is fantastic.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, how lovely. Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Yes, it's a buzz for me as well.

[Julian Clary]

I don't know who is. Who are you? James.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Julian Clary]

And you're.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm Ed. Yes. I've interviewed you before, Julian, for the Taskmaster podcast. But don't worry about that.

[Julian Clary]

No, we did speak, didn't we? Had a cheery chat. And when I knew I was coming on this, I listened to an episode. But you can't. When you're just listening, you can't tell you apart.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's Quite difficult.

[Julian Clary]

One of you has got a slightly wearing. LAUGHTER hey, hey, hey.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's me.

[Julian Clary]

It's sort of jabbing at you, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Nice to know everyone agrees.

[Julian Clary]

Anyway, I'm here now.

[James Acaster]

There it is.

[Ed Gamble]

Didn't do that on purpose. That was completely natural. James, we should start properly. If the genie could get in position. Apologies.

[Julian Clary]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

If you would like to rub the lamp, Julian, we would love that.

[Julian Clary]

Certainly. Is this a highlight? Come on out. Oh.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Julian Clary, to the Dream Restaurant with me putting you for some time.

[Ed Gamble]

Really good.

[Julian Clary]

Thank you. Now, can I just say, before we start, it's a sort of pre warning. I had to go to an osteopath yesterday and we didn't get on very well. He asked questions like, have you ever had a sports injury? Never been so insulted in my life. I'm a renowned homosexual. But there is. There's an issue with my back and what he said. This is all true. He said, what you mustn't do is just sit still for a long time. And he's given me this exercise. I have to tilt my hips forward and backwards quite often when sitting down. So if you see Ed or James.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Julian Clary]

If you see me silently thrusting into the air. That is why it's not some sort of autoerotic exception. Experience. Good to know on osteopaths urges. So I wanted to get that out of the way. And now I'm ready for your exciting questions.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, in between every course we discuss. Feel free. If you want to stand up and move around and do some exercises, you're very well.

[Julian Clary]

He didn't say I needed to. It's just that.

[Ed Gamble]

Just that good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

We could all do it if you like. Good for everyone.

[James Acaster]

No, I'm not doing it anymore.

[Julian Clary]

No top marks for you.

[Ed Gamble]

And if you're. If you're just listening. He was talking to me, Ed.

[Julian Clary]

Yes. And you're here too.

[James Acaster]

I'm fucking steamy. I'm frazzed. I'm absolutely fried to a crisp over it. Are you a foodie, Julian? Would you consider yourself a foodie?

[Julian Clary]

Well, you know, I do eat. Obviously I can't cook. I don't think it's a good investment of my time. So my husband and I, we just sort of eat stuff that doesn't take long to prepare. But we go out sometimes to eat. So. Yes, I'm not really a foodie. No, I'm not. I'm not a connoisseur.

[James Acaster]

That's fair enough. You don't have to be a connoisseur. On this podcast.

[Julian Clary]

No, we do other things with our time, like ironing our T shirts.

[James Acaster]

That's what I get for extending an olive branch. You're gonna have to be a connoisseur. Yeah, yeah. You look like shit. It's okay. I deserve it. I was quite the villain of the first half. So we always start with still a sparkling water. Julian, do you have a preference?

[Julian Clary]

Well, I don't really, because I wouldn't. I don't drink much water when I'm out. I read somewhere that it's not good for your digestive juices because you. If you. It's true. If you dilute too much, they can't do their job. So to be polite, I would say still water, but I wouldn't actually drink it much. Is that popular?

[Ed Gamble]

Popular choice.

[Julian Clary]

They're easily pleased, aren't they?

[Ed Gamble]

Where did. Where did you read that water's bad for your digestive juices?

[Julian Clary]

Somewhere on. Because I suffer with acid reflux and I was reading about things to avoid the, you know, sudden retching. I don't know why I'm looking at you when I said that, James, but.

[James Acaster]

No, yeah, just for the listeners. James.

[Ed Gamble]

James again.

[Julian Clary]

Ed. James. One syllable. Two syllables.

[James Acaster]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

I'd go with the one that means.

[James Acaster]

You'Re not thinking of me as James in your head.

[Julian Clary]

I'm having trouble hearing him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Because he's. He's from Northamptonshire.

[Julian Clary]

I've been. I did panto there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Eight long weeks. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Go.

[Julian Clary]

Bless you.

[James Acaster]

Durngate.

[Julian Clary]

Sorry?

[James Acaster]

Durngate is a two syllable word.

[Julian Clary]

Yes, Durngate and royal, isn't it? Yes, I was at the. Durngate. Yes. Happy days. Start the car. So, yes, I did read that too much water doesn't help your digestive juices if you suffer with acid reflux.

[Ed Gamble]

Never heard that before.

[James Acaster]

No, it's never come up on the podcast before. And we've done nearly 300 episodes.

[Julian Clary]

I know. And somehow all 300 have passed me by. Can't understand it.

[James Acaster]

I feel like a mouse who keeps going for the same piece of cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

John the Mouse.

[James Acaster]

John the Mouse.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Pop dumps or bread? Pop ups or bread? Julian Clary.

[Julian Clary]

Pop dubs or bread? Is that poppadoms or bread?

[Ed Gamble]

Very well done. Yes.

[Julian Clary]

Yes. I think it's quite wired, aren't you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Had a little livener in the interval.

[James Acaster]

I can't leave.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

I like bread, but I think bread and I think I quite like all those breads, you know, you can get with pecan nuts in. And is it called artisan bread? Yes, yes. For me it's more about the butter than the bread. It is. And I was once at a very posh dinner party with posh people from the fashion world.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Julian Clary]

I mean, and it was very. Just so everything, you know, the right knife and fork and all that. And the final course was cheese. And there was this lovely cheese. And I said to the host, said, I'm really enjoying this soft, buttery cheese. He said, that's the butter. And I'd made a show of myself.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed, how much of the butter did you get through before?

[Julian Clary]

Most of it. Because, you know, it wasn't in a dish or in the wrapper.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Wasn't that sort of. But it was on the same wooden thing as the cheese on the side. And somehow you're supposed to know the difference. They're all more or less the same color, aren't they?

[Ed Gamble]

Are people from the fashion world eating cheese or do they just sort of look at it?

[Julian Clary]

Probably they just looked at it, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And you ate all the butter. I respect that, Julian.

[James Acaster]

So for your bread course, would you like to eat the butter on its own as well?

[Julian Clary]

No, I mean, I spread it quite thickly. I'm talking in code, I'm quite generous with it. But there would be a cracker involved. We could have you ejaculated.

[Ed Gamble]

So there's a crack. There's a cracker involved.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, with the. With the butter. I wouldn't do that.

[James Acaster]

Popping off all over the place.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, dear. Well, it's been lovely.

[James Acaster]

Your dream starter, Julian.

[Julian Clary]

Yes, I have a choice of two. Is that all right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, let's hear both. We can try and narrow you down on it.

[Julian Clary]

Well, the first one, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paul O'Grady and he used to invite me over for dinner and I went over one. Making up their own jokes.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, I think it's because you're quite caucasianly rubbing the inside of your thigh.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, I didn't even know I was doing that sort of self comfort, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's not something the osteopath told you to do.

[Julian Clary]

Excuse me. So I went round Halloween, it was, and there was a selection of people, his manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera. Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a field surrounded by sheep. And that soup was enhanced, something I put in. He denied it, you know, the next day because I had no memory of the entire evening. But something was put in that soup, but it was very Moorish, so that's one choice.

[James Acaster]

The laced soup.

[Ed Gamble]

The laced soup, yes.

[Julian Clary]

Enhanced pumpkin soup.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Julian Clary]

The other choice is. Have you heard of a cheese called Du de Montaigne?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Julian Clary]

Well, I hadn't until about.

[James Acaster]

I think it's a Spike Lee film.

[Julian Clary]

What?

[James Acaster]

You said, have you heard of a cheese called Du de Mantin? And I said, I think that's a Spike Lee film. Because my Lee film called do the Right Thing, it didn't. As I was saying it, I was like, he can't even hear you, James. Why are you going for a pun that barely works.

[Julian Clary]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

That also requires knowledge of Spike Lee's filmography.

[Julian Clary]

Well, it was worth a try. You know, these things can be edited out.

[James Acaster]

It won't be.

[Ed Gamble]

Not now.

[Julian Clary]

Duda Montagne. Yes. A couple of years ago I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar musical. It's a great part, Herod. You're only on stage for 3 minutes and 20 seconds, although from the back of the stalls, some people thought I was Imelda Staunton. But there's a lot of sitting around in your dressing room, wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes. And my hobby when I was on tour was to go round wherever I found myself, to Marks and Spencer's because, you know, they're different in each town or city. And I was in Manchester. We were in Manchester and I was in Marks and Spencer's, collecting my bits and bobs. Vegetarian lasagna, pop Tarts for afters. I don't care who knows it. And I made my way to the till and I don't. This will surprise you. I don't go for the shortest cue. I go for the most interesting looking woman on the till. And I found this marvellous looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck. I thought, oh, yes, she'll be good to chat to. And the man in front of me in the queue was very elderly, probably in his 90s. I mean, it's Manchester, so you can't really tell. He was quite doddery and he was getting his bits and bobs out and I thought, shall I offer to help? And I thought, no, it'll give him a sense of achievement. Anyway, he did what he had to do. Took a while and they put it into his little string bag and tottered off. And then it was my turn. And I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife and he fucking deserved it. Speak to me like that, you bastard. And I wasn't really paying much attention. I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag and I got back to my digs, put them on the draining board. What do you think? There was an item there that I hadn't paid for. This old boy had left this Duda Montagne cheese behind and I'd put it in with my shopping. I felt terrible, but I wolfed that cheese down in one sitting and it was delicious. So to get to the point, you could deep fry Dudu Montagne cheese. So that's my other alternative.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing. Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90 year old man?

[Julian Clary]

No, that's just how I discovered it. I mean, God bless him, if he hadn't left it behind, I would never have discovered. It's lovely. It's got a sort of nutty flavor. Creamy and nutty. It slips down, James, you'll thank me for that. You try it.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you had it deep fried before? Did you. Did you deep fry it the first.

[Julian Clary]

Time you had it now? I've never had it deep fried, but you're just imagining that's how I might enhance it. Because people, you do that in restaurants, they deep fry cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something and you get a little. What is it you have with cheese? That sort of fruity compote.

[James Acaster]

A coulis.

[Julian Clary]

Security. I don't know.

[James Acaster]

I'm paralyzed here.

[Ed Gamble]

A chutney? A chutney sort of thing.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, where's my. Oh, just in a can. Wait. Could you open that for me? Times I've said that.

[James Acaster]

Yes. That's open.

[Julian Clary]

Is it? How'd you drink it then?

[James Acaster]

It's already open. There's a little bit there.

[Ed Gamble]

It does not surprise me, Julian.

[James Acaster]

There's the onion there.

[Julian Clary]

That.

[Ed Gamble]

Julian, Clary's never drunk anything from a can before.

[Julian Clary]

I've had those bottles with a sort of nipple.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So which. Which. Which are you thinking of? Of going. Going for. You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got the deep fried Duda Montana.

[Julian Clary]

Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get on to anything else.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, sort of.

[Julian Clary]

Game over. Yeah, as I recall. So I'd go for the old man's cheese.

[Unknown]

It's James and Fuhad from Shits and Geeks Podcast. And we're here to talk about Boost Mobile, the newest 5G network in the country. With compelling deals for new lines. Boost Mobile makes it easy to switch. Today, Boost Mobile's new network delivers customers the speed and service they'd expect from the Big three, plus groundbreaking benefits you'd only get from a true challenger in the industry. These include letting people try the network risk free for 30 days and offering a $25 per month unlimited plan that's guaranteed to never go up in price. They have blazing fast 5G and plans for all the latest devices. Visit your nearest Boost Mobile store and.

Find us [e-mail] moms deserve our very best. Especially on Mother's Day. There's only one place I trust to deliver high quality mom approved rose bouquets 1-800-flowers.com this year 1-800-flowers wants to make sure all the mothers in your life get the best with double the roses for free. When you buy one dozen, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen roses. To claim the double roses offer, go to 1-800flowers.com acast that's 1-800-flowers.com acast, the official florist of Mother's Day. Worried about what ingredients are hiding in your groceries? Let us take the guesswork out. We're Thrive Market, the online grocery store with the highest quality standards in the industry. We restrict strict 1000 plus ingredients so you can trust that you'll only find the best high quality organic and sustainable brands all free of the junk. With savings up to 30% off and fast carbon neutral shipping, you get top trusted groceries at your door and you can stop worrying about what your kids get their hands on. Start [e-mail] podcast for 30% off your first order and a free gift.

If you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself. From prep work to alignment and testing, it's your team's job to put it all together. That's why it's good to have Grainger on your side. With industrial grade products and next day delivery, Grainger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Julian Clary]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoy. It's not just for celebrities, so do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail].

[Unknown]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail].

[James Acaster]

Your dream main course, Julia.

[Julian Clary]

Ah, right, yes. It's a sort of stew made with fish. I have an aversion to meaty stew because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer and they had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things. Anyway, they'd had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well and my mother made a stew and it was a really hot day. I remember none of us really wanted to eat it and we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it. And she was furious and so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she scraped all the stew onto one plate. And my father was sitting at the head of the table with this open neck shirt on and as she passed him, she scraped it all inside his shirt. I thought, good for her. And we were such shocked. I mean, she didn't plan to do it. I've discussed it with her since, she's never done it since, but it was heat of the moment and she said it was very satisfying. And I was about 6, my sister was 8 and 10 and they burst into tears and my mother and I laughed. So I can't really look at a meat stew, but there is a sort of fish stew. James is vibrating. It's sort of Southern Indian, I think, quite coconutty and it's delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

Where have you had this fish stew before?

[Julian Clary]

There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town.

[Ed Gamble]

Have people heard of this restaurant? Someone went, yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Have they had the fish stew?

[Ed Gamble]

Have you had the fish stew? No. They've missed out.

[Julian Clary]

No. Anyway, that's my answer to that.

[Ed Gamble]

I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scraped the stew down your dad's shirt, but don't know if I should.

[James Acaster]

Julian, have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt?

[Julian Clary]

I am quite like my mother. I do do impulsive and unkind things sometimes. And I've got the same sense of humor as my mother. It's quite sort of withering. And we do. We require a victim, be it, you know, I used to work with a little dog who, not she wasn't a victim, but the butt of the jokes or a pianist or somebody. Yeah. So what was the question? How I know?

[Ed Gamble]

I've never asked how do you choose your victim if, say, you're being interviewed by two people? What's the instinct that draws you to one person or another victim?

[Julian Clary]

I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure, but, I mean, you mustn't take that personally because.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, go. Don't take a.

[James Acaster]

How could I?

[Julian Clary]

When you interviewed me on the taskmaster thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, which you remember.

[Julian Clary]

Which I remember. But. But you were there with your lovely bone structure then.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Julian Clary]

And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, very rude.

[Julian Clary]

So that's just how it happened. It's just one of the requisites. What lovely teeth you have.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Cut it out.

[Julian Clary]

Have a little suck through the slot.

[James Acaster]

I used to have. Much better. If you saw me pre pandemic, I looked good. I lost it all during the pandemic.

[Ed Gamble]

You look great now, James.

[James Acaster]

Weak. Weak bones.

[Ed Gamble]

No, just weaker than mine, I think, is the.

[Julian Clary]

I feel bad now. There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well.

[James Acaster]

Up my neck. Cut my husband with a Stanley knife. Dream side dish. Julian.

[Julian Clary]

Ah. There's something called ladies fingers, isn't there?

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Julian Clary]

Yes. Which I'd like the sound of it. It's. I think it's potato. Is it?

[Ed Gamble]

It's okra, I believe.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, is it? Okay, right.

[Ed Gamble]

So they can get quite. They can get quite slimy, is my only complaint about ladies fingers.

[Julian Clary]

Feel slightly nauseous. And what is okra? Vegetable.

[Ed Gamble]

Vegetable, yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Okra. Okay. And rice, of course. You'd have. Yeah. Be very nice with the fish stew. With net, bit of rice.

[James Acaster]

What kind of fish is in the fish stew?

[Julian Clary]

Indian.

[Ed Gamble]

Fish.

[Julian Clary]

I think they have. They have fish that we've never heard of. Jack off fish or something.

[Ed Gamble]

Jack off fish?

[Julian Clary]

Something like that.

[James Acaster]

You seem to be inventing words that you can turn into innuendos. Is that legal? Are you allowed to do that?

[Julian Clary]

It's a gift, Keenan.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd say every year I come to the panto. I think your innuendos get more and more close to the bone.

[Julian Clary]

Do you?

[Ed Gamble]

What? Yeah, it's fantastic. We came to see it last year. You made. Not even an innuendo, just a joke about poppers. I think you made an amyl nitrate joke. Did I Did something like that. It was very full on. And. And I'll be honest, I laughed very loudly. And you turned to me in the audience and said, thank you for laughing.

[Julian Clary]

Yes, well, there aren't many. There's no children come. Really? So it's not. You don't have to worry about that. And they wouldn't know what amyl nitrate was, would they?

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, is there anything that. I don't know how involved you are with the script writing of the panto every year? Is there anything that you've tried to get into the script that even they've gone, no, you can't do that, Julie.

[Julian Clary]

Yes, I think it was. There's. Was it Dick Whittington said, on a boat, there's something on a boat?

[James Acaster]

Yes. No. No. Does he. I can't remember he's walking any.

[Julian Clary]

I can't remember one year from the next. But there was one year there was a boat scene and I wanted to make a joke about seaman on the deck or something. And after the dress rehearsal, the producers came and said, no, but I got it in the next year anyway. Well, no, I got it in when I was cast as Seaman Smee. I mean, please. So I write my own scripts. And so I had. Every time Jack came on, he said, siemens me. And I said, not just now. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

So great. The one that I remember was. I think the first time I came to see it, you were talking about a circus and said that the human cannibal shot all over the ringmaster's back.

[Julian Clary]

Which I don't think I said all over.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, I'm not a pro. I'm not a pro.

[Julian Clary]

I used to be the human cannonball. I used to shoot over the ringmaster's back.

[Ed Gamble]

There you go.

[Julian Clary]

You seem to get a bigger laugh than me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They saw where it was going, I think by the time you did it.

[Julian Clary]

He came to speak. Is it another filmic reference?

[James Acaster]

So, side dish, you're thinking maybe rice?

[Julian Clary]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe ladies fingers.

[James Acaster]

Ladies fingers. Any other options?

[Julian Clary]

Some mango chutney, probably. Do you have that with fish? I don't know. If you do.

[Ed Gamble]

You could do. It's your dream meal if you think it tastes good.

[Julian Clary]

I would be advised by the waiter, I expect. What would go with the.

[James Acaster]

That's me, though.

[Julian Clary]

You're the waiter?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So would you trust me if I advised you, like, what side dish to have?

[Julian Clary]

Yes. I don't not trust you.

[James Acaster]

Oh, good.

[Ed Gamble]

How would you feel if you walked into a restaurant and James was the waiter?

[Julian Clary]

I'd give him a big tip.

[James Acaster]

Thank you. We appreciate the eye contact.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Julian Clary]

You haven't asked about any alcoholic refreshments. Does that come later?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, we normally ask drink next, but if you. Would you like different drinks with every course?

[Julian Clary]

Well, I'd like an aperitif, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

What what would you like for your aperitif?

[Julian Clary]

It'd be a vodka martini.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Julian Clary]

But it would have to be made by Nigel Havers, because when we're here doing the panto, every year, Nigel's also in it for reasons no one quite understands. And he is in dressing room five, I think. But every year, bless him, he brings his own little mini freezer in to keep the vodka. And the key is you put the martini glasses in the freezer as well. And anyway, he makes the most amazing vodka martini, which, after the second show, he brings me to. To my room with a couple of cheese straws in the top pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you like it dirty?

[Julian Clary]

I've got a semi.

[James Acaster]

Yes, we just completely abandoned innuendo. My penis is semi erect.

[Julian Clary]

No, I do love. He doesn't do a dirty martini, but it's with a twist. But I have had it dirty and it slipped down a treat.

[Ed Gamble]

So, for your dream meal, when you arrive for the aperitif, you would like Nigel Havers's.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, I might understand. I can have anything I want in this sort of fantasy world of yours. And so, yes, I'd like Nigel Havers there.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want him there for the whole meal?

[Julian Clary]

Oh, no, he can. No, you don't want to talk to him or anything. He can just bring the martini and then walk away backwards.

[Ed Gamble]

Havers is clearly. Is he the victim of the panto cast?

[Julian Clary]

No, he is.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Julian Clary]

That's. That's how it works.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna end up in a support group of Havers. Me, Havers, a pianist and a dog.

[Julian Clary]

You could be the next Nigel Havers. Play your cards right.

[James Acaster]

So any other drinks? If you've got the aperitif, do you want other drinks throughout the meal?

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, probably some wine.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

I don't know anything about wine, really. I like it. It doesn't taste of anything much, so I put lots of ice in it. Yeah, yeah, Like Sauvignon blanc. And I like a nice pale color. I don't like it when it looks like a urine sample, like Chardonnay, you know, like a nice pale one.

[Ed Gamble]

How much ice are you putting into a glass of wine?

[Julian Clary]

Depends on the size of the glass. But one large piece of ice. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So we're going for a very pale white wine. A huge bit of ice in it. So you can't taste the wine at all. So you're just necking it. You just. It's the effect rather than the taste.

[Julian Clary]

No, I'm not necking it. No. But I'd sip It, you know, throughout.

[Ed Gamble]

Very nice.

[James Acaster]

So is that your dream drink is a glass of white wine with a big ice cube in it.

[Julian Clary]

Haven't we just been through this?

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, Julian's got a point there, James.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I know. I'm just painfully aware that, you know, this is a live episode and currently we've done 35 minutes and there's one course left.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, we've not asked Julian about the setting of the restaurant yet. Where does he want to be? Where the. You know what you want the restaurant to look like, Julian.

[Julian Clary]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

I hadn't thought about any of this. I don't like restaurants where you're too close to the table next to you. I was once in, I think it's still there, Lescargo in Soho with my mother. And there was quite a young woman and quite an old man on the table next to us. And it became apparent.

[Ed Gamble]

Did someone just whoop that?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, someone whooped an old, young woman and an old man. They were like, woo.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, whoop, indeed. But they had clearly been having an affair and she, she was saying she'd had enough and the relationship had come to a natural close and this man started crying and we were gripped, you know, we couldn't have our own conversation because we were too worried about them. But preferably, I'd like to be away from other people. And lighting suitable for the over 60s.

[Ed Gamble]

What's unsuitable lighting for the over 6?

[Julian Clary]

Too harsh. Too bright.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Too neon. Yeah. I don't really like music playing. And what were you playing in the interval? That awful.

[James Acaster]

Yes, that's Benito.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito picked that.

[James Acaster]

Benito made that playlist. All the songs have something to do with food. And the first tour date we had, he went come up to us and went, have you noticed the songs? You notice any link between them? And we had to be like, oh, they're food based.

[Julian Clary]

He was like, is he the tour manager?

[James Acaster]

He's the producer of the podcast the Little Funny Man. Now which one is the Little Funny Man?

[Ed Gamble]

We've got multiple little funny men who work.

[James Acaster]

He described what they look like.

[Julian Clary]

Well, one little funny man met me outside when I got out the car.

[James Acaster]

It's probably Paul.

[Ed Gamble]

That might be Paul, who's our tour manager and my tour manager when I go on tour.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, you go on tour?

[Ed Gamble]

I go on tour. Oh, no, James, I don't like it. I'm in the crosshairs.

[James Acaster]

Suddenly my cheekbones are feeling razor sharp.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, well, what's your tour called?

[Ed Gamble]

I've just finished a tour called Hot Diggity Dog.

[Julian Clary]

One of my favorites.

[Ed Gamble]

See, I've just finished. Finished the UK tour of that.

[James Acaster]

Tell Julian about the controversy surrounding your poster.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, I. I put some posters on the tube. Well, I didn't. I paid some other people to do it. And the poster was me eating a hot dog. And TFL wouldn't put the posters up. They banned them because it said that I was promoting junk food. So we changed the photos, we photoshopped them and replaced the hot dog with a cucumber.

[Julian Clary]

And they put them up while retaining the. For those who want it. Sexual innuendo of something phallic in your mouth. Happy days. What's my turk called? A Fistful of Clary. I wasn't banned.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So you met Paul outside and then Benito is the other funny little.

[Julian Clary]

The other one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Hasn't seen daylight for a while. Benito. Yeah, exotic. Do you go on tour?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, I go on tour sometimes. Does this worries stand up?

[Ed Gamble]

Very good tours.

[James Acaster]

Stand up. Comedy shows.

[Julian Clary]

Comedy.

[James Acaster]

As soon as I volunteered that information, I was like, why did I do that? Wanted to throw that out there. He loves it.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely loving it.

[Julian Clary]

Well, that filled five minutes, didn't it?

[Unknown]

Moms deserve our very best. Especially on Mother's Day. There's only one place I trust to deliver high quality mom Approved rose bouquets. 1-800-flowers.com. this year, 1-800-flowers wants to make sure all the mothers in your life get the best with double the roses for free. When you buy one dozen, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen roses. To claim the double roses offer, go to 1-800-flowers.com acastra. That's 1-800-flowers. Com acast, the official florist of Mother's.

Day BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30 second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out. Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self care. Imagine what you could do with more. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax.

[James Acaster]

It should be pointed out as well, when Julian arrived today and we met Julian for the first time, your first words to us were, so this is about 45 minutes, is that correct? And we were like, no, like an hour. You were like, how long?

[Julian Clary]

How long? Is it edited down to about?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it's normally edited down to an hour, but this one, we're just going to have to play two of the bits twice.

[James Acaster]

This will be the first episode that Gets edited up.

[Julian Clary]

Well, I could pad it out with one of my lovely songs.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the other thing Julian asked us. Julian says, and then at the end, do we do a finale?

[Julian Clary]

I'm used to. Normally this building is full of, you know, ensemble chorus.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Dancers and all of that and the feathers and the sequins and so I'm used to sort of finishing things off, as it were. But what do you normally do? You just say, see, I'm going down the pond.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we do, you know, we finish the episode. So we'd do dessert and then James would read the menu back to you and then we'd sort of get everyone to clap and we'll do a photo at the front of the stage. And that normally seems fine, but now I feel like we need to do something else.

[Julian Clary]

Ah. I've got a lovely song called Sometimes Life's a Cunt written for me by that well known family entertainer, Gary Wilmot.

[Ed Gamble]

You didn't bring a backing track with you?

[Julian Clary]

I didn't bring my backing track, no.

[James Acaster]

Can you do it acapella?

[Julian Clary]

When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local. Oh, that's another song.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that one seems more appropriate for the show.

[Unknown]

Jamie.

[James Acaster]

That seems to be the perfect song.

[Julian Clary]

When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home that's all I can remember.

[James Acaster]

When I'm in my local restaurant or perhaps a greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home I find every.

[Julian Clary]

I can't remember, was this.

[Ed Gamble]

Was that the cunt one or is that a different one?

[Julian Clary]

It's the cunt one. I think I'll get out because there's another song called I Love a Knob and the two get mixed up in my mind.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you remember how any of I Love a Knob goes?

[James Acaster]

No. Okay. Now, literally, I mean, I don't feel bad saying this because of everything you've said to me, but I feel like we're visiting you in the home. There was one about a knob. I don't remember it now.

[Julian Clary]

I don't. When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home I find every meal I eat well it's simply incomplete without a knob. A tasty knob of butter that's my treat. I love a knob I love a knob in my baguette Sometimes a knob.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[James Acaster]

What a song. What a song.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing. And that, you know you do, you love, you love butter. We've already talked about this.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, there you are. It's all coming together.

[Ed Gamble]

It's all coming together. That's absolutely perfect.

[Julian Clary]

Thank you, Julie.

[James Acaster]

Your dream dessert.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, yes. Pavlova. Is that acceptable?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

Yes. With all those nice bits of meringue and fruit and. Have you ever had a dragon fruit?

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think I've ever actually eaten a dragon fruit, you know.

[Julian Clary]

Very nice. I would. I would specify that I want dragon fruit on it because it's lovely.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel with dragon fruit that it looks so impressive that it can't possibly taste nice as well.

[James Acaster]

Have you heard that before?

[Julian Clary]

That's the spirit. Well, they come. There's white or there's pink, and they both taste more or less exactly the same, but it's just very, very aesthetically pleasing.

[Ed Gamble]

How often are you having dragon fruit, would you say?

[Julian Clary]

As often as I can. Yeah. They sell them in their health food shops, but they don't always have them in, so sometimes they have to make do with. What are those little red things? Pomegranates.

[Ed Gamble]

Pomegranates, yeah. Do you want those on the pavlova as well?

[Julian Clary]

Yes. I'm going crazy.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you. Do you make pavlova at home? I mean.

[Julian Clary]

No. I think you have to beat up egg whites and then put it in the oven. Do you do cooking now and again?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I do cooking.

[Julian Clary]

Do you do cooking?

[James Acaster]

Not really.

[Julian Clary]

No.

[James Acaster]

Even less edge. Does a lot. I'm not. Not really.

[Julian Clary]

47.58. But you whisk it up. No, I don't do it myself.

[James Acaster]

Is there somewhere where you've had the best pavlova that you would like to have for your dream meal? You go, I want to go back there and have the best pavlova I've ever had.

[Julian Clary]

My mother used to make a nice pavlova, but of course she'd be a stranger to a dragon fruit. There was no such thing in the 70s when I was growing up. Well, there was such a thing, but you'd have to go to. To dragon fruit country to find it.

[James Acaster]

Way.

[Julian Clary]

Tinned peaches in my day, but no. Homemade pavlova by my mother in this fantasy restaurant that I just can't wait to visit.

[Ed Gamble]

At the end of the meal, would you like your mother to tip the remainder of the pavlova down your dad's shirt?

[Julian Clary]

Be lovely. So you've done 300 of these?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Julian Clary]

How many homosexuals have you had on? Did you know I'm gay?

[James Acaster]

We've got time to probably figure out.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito, will you just quickly go to itunes and work out how many homosexuals We've had on the podcast.

[James Acaster]

How many would you guess we've had? There's this little sweepstake before we find out the answer.

[Julian Clary]

3.

[James Acaster]

3.

[Julian Clary]

Have you had Claire Balding on?

[James Acaster]

No, not had Claire Balding. Keep going. We've not had Bolding.

[Ed Gamble]

Any others you can.

[Julian Clary]

Claire Sweeney.

[James Acaster]

Claire Sweeney. No.

[Julian Clary]

Christopher Biggins.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you for doing them in alphabetical order as well.

[James Acaster]

So you only know three other.

[Julian Clary]

Claire Balding isn't. No. Claire Sweeney isn't a lesbian.

[James Acaster]

Oh, so that was a test and we failed.

[Julian Clary]

Spot the lesbian.

[Ed Gamble]

Spot the lesbian. Doesn't work if you whoop yourself. Ruin the game.

[Julian Clary]

Where are your shoes? Where are your shoes from?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, they're Nike shoes.

[Julian Clary]

Are they?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they're Freddy Krue. They're Fred.

[James Acaster]

Oh, fuck. Julie just noticed my shoes have done a double take.

[Julian Clary]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Like. Like, I may as well have been wearing two shits on my feet. The way that Julian just absolutely horrified when he saw my shoes.

[Julian Clary]

A couple of Cornish pasties down here.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I was about to completely save your bacon as well and let Julian know these are Freddy Krueger themed. Air Max. Nike Air Max.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But Julian's trainers are more similar to yours.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So I couldn't see that, really. And I was sitting here going, please, please don't look over here.

[Julian Clary]

It was too late. You've had some wear out of them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito's genuinely counted, by the way.

[James Acaster]

He says, I think 30. It feels like more than that, though. So one in 10, is that right?

[Ed Gamble]

It's not even the actual stats that's bad. Is that good?

[James Acaster]

Is that good? Is that good there? He wants you to say if that's good, that we've had 30 out of 300 have been gay.

[Julian Clary]

Who's asking this?

[James Acaster]

Benito, the one who you said doesn't look like he's seen sunlight in a while.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah. Tell Benito it's very good. He's done very well on the gay front. Who was your favorite homosexual out of those 30?

[Ed Gamble]

Present company accepted or excluded.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Julian Clary]

You could. You can accept me.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you 100.

[James Acaster]

Well, of course. Yeah, of course. You, Julian.

[Julian Clary]

But yes.

[James Acaster]

Of the others.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

A fly has just landed on you.

[Julian Clary]

Have you had Miriam Margulies?

[Ed Gamble]

We've had Miriam.

[James Acaster]

Julian, there's a fly on your shoulder.

[Julian Clary]

Is there?

[James Acaster]

There's a fly on your shoulder. It's just landing. Yeah, there it goes. It's gone over. It's got sliced in half by Ed's jawline.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Miriam Margulies. We've had Miriam Margulies. She was Great.

[Julian Clary]

Did the conversation run dry with Miriam.

[James Acaster]

Rylan? That's that person's favorite.

[Ed Gamble]

I believe we've genuinely got to the stage where you're shouting out the favorite gay guests on. Off me now.

[James Acaster]

This is good. I feel proud of this moment, Ed. I feel proud that we're in. Huh? Anthony Pirofsky. Yeah. We had on some Queer Eye, of course. Sue Perkins, of course.

[Julian Clary]

Oh, now you're talking.

[James Acaster]

We've got six more minutes, so if you can. Tom Allen. Of course. We've had Tom Allen on Rosie Jones Foster.

[Ed Gamble]

Q. This is the weirdest auction I've ever been to.

[James Acaster]

This is a great moment. We'll put this out during Pride Month. Be nice. I'm going to read your menu back to you. Just so you know. You've obviously got to the end of your menu and avoided the secret ingredient. Would you like to know what it was?

[Julian Clary]

I heard it over the tan oil, but I would. I was never likely to have said that anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

I have loved every single second of this. Julian, may I say.

[Julian Clary]

Well, Dorito, or whatever his name was should have come and turned the tongue out. Off.

[Ed Gamble]

Dorito should have turned the tannoy off.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Dorito neglected his duties once again. Hell, a great Dorito.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my goodness.

[James Acaster]

Julian.

[Julian Clary]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And the region menu. Back to you now. See how you feel about it. You were like still water.

[Julian Clary]

Correct.

[James Acaster]

Which, looking back, I wish we'd asked more questions about.

[Julian Clary]

It's never too late.

[James Acaster]

Poblons or bread? You wanted artisan bread with pecans in it with thickly spread butter and a cracker starter. The old man's deep fried cheese main course. Southern Indian fish stew from Namaste in Camden Town.

[Julian Clary]

Seems a lifetime ago, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

Side dish. I guess we didn't really pin one down. It was either ladies fingers. Lady fingers. Yeah. Bonito. Not ladies fingers. Lady fingers.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's ladies.

[James Acaster]

It's lady fingers in it. I think it'd be ladies fingers.

[Julian Clary]

I think it's lady. Ladies fingers.

[Ed Gamble]

Lady.

[James Acaster]

Lady or ladies apologies. Bonito. Dorito. I apologize. Rice or mango chutney. Those were the three choices.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel like. I feel like you can have all of those for your dream meal. The.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah, I think you didn't taste. Have to have one.

[Ed Gamble]

No, the lady's fingers.

[Julian Clary]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And the rice and the mango chutney. That sounds absolutely delicious.

[James Acaster]

You want an apparel teeth at the start. Nigel Haver's vodka martini with a twist. And he can back out of the room and not stay for the meal. Want a very pale White wine with one large cube of ice in it as your dream drink. And dessert, she would like a homemade pavlova by your mother with dragon fruit and pomegranate in it. Then tip down your father's shirt. That sound good?

[Julian Clary]

Sounds lovely. Exactly what I want. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

The off menu menu of Julian Clary. Absolutely fantastic. Julian.

[James Acaster]

Hey, Julian Clary, everybody.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much for coming, everyone. We'll see you again if you're coming again.

[James Acaster]

Thank you so much for coming.

[Julian Clary]

Bye.

[James Acaster]

Bye. Bye.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much.

[Julian Clary]

Bye bye.

[Ed Gamble]

There we are.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. James has just recovered from being absolutely obliterated by Julian.

[James Acaster]

It was over a month ago and I'm. I've just got out of hospital. But thank you, Julian, all the same for coming on the podcast. I'm for not saying mint Terry's chocolate Orange. Yes, you cheated and heard it on the tannoy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Because you'd heard it on the Tannoy. Of course.

[James Acaster]

Yes. But thank you so much for coming on.

[Ed Gamble]

Killed me that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Julia's on tour now with a fistful of Clary, including a date that Linda played him on the 17th of May. So for tickets go to JulianClary.co.uk.

[Ed Gamble]

He'S also, of course, back starring in the London Palladium Panto sleeping beauty from the 6th of December. For tickets go to palladiumpantamine.com I'll be there.

[James Acaster]

And a reminder, we're bringing Off Menu live the tasting menus to the Royal Albert hall in London in March 2026. So go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

[Ed Gamble]

See you. Bye Bye.

[Unknown]

It's James and Fuhad from Shits and Geese podcast and we're here to talk about Boost Mobile, the newest 5G network in the country. With compelling deals for new lines, Boost Mobile makes it easy to switch. Today, Boost Mobile's new network delivers customers through the speed and service that expect from the Big three. Plus groundbreaking benefits you'd only get from a true challenger in the industry. These include letting people try the network risk free for 30 days and offering a $25 per month unlimited plan that's guaranteed to never go up in price. They have blazing fast 5G and plans for all the latest devices. Visit your nearest Boost Mobile store and find us online@boost mobile.com.

If you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself. From prep work to alignment and testing, it's your team's job to put it all together. That's why it's good to have Grainger on your side. With industrial grade products and next day delivery, Grainger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[James Acaster]

Optimize your nutrition this year with Factor America's number one ready to eat meal service. Factor's Fresh, Never Frozen meals are dietitian approved. Ready to eat in just 2 minutes. Choose from 40 weekly options across 8 dietary preferences like calorie smart, protein plus and keto. Eat smarter at FactorMeals.com listen50 and use code listen50 for 50% off plus free shipping on your first box FactorMeals.com listen50 code listen50 hello there off Menu listeners. It's me, Amy Gledhill and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash. And I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non Broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you're in the studio audience at the time, who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No. Nor the news. Our podcast is coming back for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. Where northerners living in London. And every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorizing Yorkshire village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondence every week. Like you one and only Ed Gamble, who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this pod, the one you're listening to now. Yeah, he hosts it. Yeah, co host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I was in the non Broadcast Channel 4 pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy.

[Julian Clary]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So that's another news starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that. Join us.