Ep 297: Joanne McNally

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster – Episode 297: Joanne McNally

Release Date: June 4, 2025
Host: Ed Gamble and James Acaster
Guest: Joanne McNally

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Introduction

In Episode 297 of Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster, the dynamic comedic duo welcomes Joanne McNally, a celebrated stand-up comedian known for her appearance on Taskmaster. The episode delves into a whimsical exploration of dream meals, blending humor with heartfelt conversations.

---

Welcoming Joanne McNally

Ed Gamble kicks off the episode with his signature flair:

[03:04] Ed Gamble: "Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship."

James Acaster adds to the warm reception:

[03:14] Joanne McNally: "Joanne McNally, an absolute smash hit of a stand-up comedian, James, a juggernaut."

The hosts highlight Joanne's upcoming tour and her successful show, Pedophile, setting the stage for an engaging conversation.

---

Exploring the Dream Restaurant

The core of the episode revolves around the Dream Restaurant, where guests select their ideal courses. Joanne joins Ed and James in crafting her ultimate meal.

Starters

James Acaster starts the menu crafting:

[03:13] James Acaster: "Welcome, Joanne, to the Dream Restaurant."

Joanne McNally shares her love for simple pleasures:

[12:00] James Acaster: "Okay, so keeping with the immature palate, I love warm reassuring food and I have to say this is just my dream meal."

She humorously lists her favorite starters, showing her playful approach to the menu.

Main Course

The conversation shifts to the main course, where James Acaster reveals his quirky preferences:

[43:13] James Acaster: "So my dream main course will be a club sandwich."

The trio hilariously debates the absence of bacon in the club sandwich, transforming it into a chicken salad sandwich layered with crispy chips—a nod to James's "immature palate."

Drinks Pairing

A lighthearted exchange about beverages follows:

[50:39] James Acaster: "I just want a giant glass of Pinot Grigio."

[66:34] Ed Gamble: "So far we've had two large glasses of Pinot."

They discuss the perfect pairing of drinks with each course, incorporating humor and personal anecdotes about favorite beverages like Negroni and espresso martinis.

Desserts

James Acaster takes dessert to a fantastical level:

[67:08] James Acaster: "My dream dessert is Tom Hardy topless on a penny farthing with a sidecar of desserts."

The conversation evolves into a comedic sketch envisioning Tom Hardy serving an array of desserts aboard a whimsical potato waffle boat, complete with dancing desserts and playful interactions.

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Tour Experiences and Humorous Anecdotes

The episode intertwines discussions about their tours, alcohol anecdotes, and humorous mishaps:

[27:24] James Acaster: "I love Prosecco during Prosecco Express, but I've lost the taste for it now."

[82:33] James Acaster: "It's called blackout. Teenage blackouts."

These stories provide listeners with a glimpse into the lives of the comedians, blending relatable experiences with absurd humor.

---

Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Ed and James reflect on the Off Menu series, teasing future content and expressing gratitude towards Joanne:

[83:13] Joanne McNally: "What an episode, James. I feel hammered talking about booze that much."

[83:32] Ed Gamble: "Thank you so much to her for coming on."

They hint at the end of a particular series while warmly inviting listeners to stay tuned for more engaging episodes.

---

Notable Quotes

• Ed Gamble ([03:04]): "Crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship."

• James Acaster ([36:30]): "I like it, it's mad."

• Joanne McNally ([53:05]): "It's called blackout. Teenage blackouts."

• James Acaster ([67:08]): "My dream dessert is Tom Hardy topless on a penny farthing with a sidecar of desserts."

---

Conclusion

Episode 297 of Off Menu masterfully combines humor, culinary fantasies, and personal stories, creating an entertaining and memorable listening experience. Joanne McNally's vibrant personality adds depth to the episode, making it a delightful entry in the Off Menu series. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to the podcast, this episode offers laughter and light-hearted fun that embodies the spirit of the show.

Transcript

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[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship. Eaton, Mass.

[Joanne McNally]

Whoa. We've not had that one before. That is a gamble. My name is James Acasto. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Joanne McNally.

[Ed Gamble]

Joanne McNally, an absolute smash hit of a stand up comedian, James, a juggernaut.

[Joanne McNally]

A force of nature.

[Ed Gamble]

Force of nature. Joanne is absolutely hilarious. She was also on taskmaster, of course.

[Joanne McNally]

Brilliant on taskmaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Joanne is back on tour. She's doing her new show, Pedophile.

[Joanne McNally]

I mean, great title. Ed told me that he laughed out loud when he read that.

[Ed Gamble]

Really funny.

[Joanne McNally]

I can't say I disagree with him there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Pedophile. Her last show was such a massive success that, I mean, I don't know how long it ran on for. She sold so many tickets on that tour.

[Joanne McNally]

I tell you what, sold even more of on that tour. Prosecco.

[Ed Gamble]

Prosecco.

[Joanne McNally]

Since this is a food podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

That is relevant. And I'm sure we will speak about Prosecco with Joel.

[Ed Gamble]

Or indeed Pino.

[Joanne McNally]

Or indeed Pino.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

And listen, we have chose a drink as the secret ingredient, but it isn't either of those things because we felt like that would be unfair.

[Ed Gamble]

It would be pretty harsh, wouldn't it? Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

The secret ingredient this week is.

[Ed Gamble]

When we were in Dublin doing our tour. That was a suggested secret ingredient from the audience and we did not accept it as the secret ingredient. And our guest, Tommy Tiernan then went on to pick Pachin.

[Joanne McNally]

So what could have happened?

[Ed Gamble]

What could have happened? I mean, of all the people that we wouldn't have been. Managed to kick. Wouldn't manage to kick out.

[Joanne McNally]

We would not have successfully.

[Ed Gamble]

Tommy's up there, isn't he?

[Joanne McNally]

Kicked Tommy out of a live gig.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a homemade. Often homemade booze, James, like moonshine.

[Joanne McNally]

Am I right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, sort of moonshine. The Irish moonshine.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. Thank you very much to Sean, one of my local baristas. He gave me a bottle of it after Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you, sir. Sean, who's one of James's local baristas.

[Joanne McNally]

It was that. I appreciate it. Yeah, Gave me a bottle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Gave me a bottle. He Went back. Went back to Ireland for Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

Brought back some P. You just drinking unmarked bottles of stuff that people you know in a coffee shop give you?

[Joanne McNally]

Only if they're qualified baristas. Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Not sure it matches up, mate. What are you going to let him do next, Den?

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, that's good. Could save me a pretty penny or two.

[Ed Gamble]

And this is the last episode of the series, James.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, farewell, old friend.

[Ed Gamble]

Farewell, old series. But we'll be back soon, I'm sure.

[Joanne McNally]

What a fun series it's been.

[Ed Gamble]

What a fun series, man. We've had some incredible guests from all over the world and all over entertainment.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. And I finally confronted Stephen Graham.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joanne McNally]

Gave him what for. And I'm very proud of myself.

[Ed Gamble]

And many more reflections beside. Yeah. We can't wait to speak to Joanne. She's great. So, without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Joann McNally. Welcome, Joanne, to the Dream Restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Joanne McNally]

Welcome, Joanne McNally, to the Dream Restaurant. Blessing here sometime.

[James Acaster]

Thank you so much. I've been waiting to come on for ages.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I've been sitting there at my menu and how I'm crying.

[Ed Gamble]

How long have you had your menu ready?

[James Acaster]

Years.

[Joanne McNally]

How long has this going?

[Ed Gamble]

Years.

[James Acaster]

What was the start date? I've been waiting since then.

[Ed Gamble]

2019.

[Joanne McNally]

2018. 2018. For the real fans, Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

We started recording 2018. The first one came out in 2019.

[James Acaster]

My menu's been gone since then.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Ben Benito just shook his head.

[James Acaster]

It's evolved with trends and my tastes and that's.

[Ed Gamble]

We knew that, Joanne. We knew that you wouldn't want to go with your first draft.

[James Acaster]

Nah.

[Ed Gamble]

To yes. So we've waited for you to get to this point and we now know that you think the menu is perfect. It's the final draft.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I'm thrilled.

[Joanne McNally]

Everyone's, you know, everyone listening will be very excited to get to the drink course. No spoilers, please. But you often name shows after drinks and they become a thing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. My first draft of this had no food at all.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's just me on the bottom of a drinks cart, frothing of mouth. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Very excited. Of course. Pinophile is on tour. You're on tour now with your show, Pinophile?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

It's rare that the title, as much.

[Ed Gamble]

As possible, makes me laugh out loud when I say it.

[James Acaster]

You like Penophile?

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely love it.

[James Acaster]

It's good, isn't it?

[Joanne McNally]

Play on. I don't know.

[James Acaster]

I just don't understand why pedophiles can take File like, I mean, it's not their words. We should be able to take it back. Yeah, yeah, it was actually. Do you know where it came from? The. The file is obviously just. You're mad about something and I'm mad about Peanut.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And what, actually what happened was there was a, A viral clip going around. You know the peloton, you know the exercise bikes that everyone bought during lockdown. They're pedaling away at home and there was a video going around of, of an American trainer or whatever they're called, class instructor thing. And she was looking at the leaderboard and there was. Everyone has like a name that they use like Pedaling for Wine or whatever. Like so, you know, kind of like Spin for Gin. That's usually. They're the ones I notice anyway. And anyway she's. She saw something on the computer that she didn't like and she was mid pedal and she was like, no, kid. And she was like calling up to the leaderboard, she's like, kick him out, kick him out. Ban him, ban him. She's like, we don't do that here. We don't do that here. And of course I was like, what was the name? The name was Pedal File, which I just thought was so funny. And I was talking about it somewhere and actually a woman DMed me and she was like, if you recycling your name be penal file. And that's where the name came from.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[James Acaster]

I can't even take credit for it. But I was like, that's a great name for a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Good way of getting. Imagine getting kicked out.

[James Acaster]

Pedal File.

[Joanne McNally]

Your partner being like, no, I'm early.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I thought you were doing your spin class. I got kicked out.

[Ed Gamble]

No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right? You do, yeah. So you're kicked out of the class.

[Joanne McNally]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

You've just sat on your bike at.

[James Acaster]

Home, you're in your kitchen.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Covered in shame and sweat.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But then you realize you could just keep pedaling and just do it yourself.

[James Acaster]

She was getting barred. You need the motivation. You needn't scream.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's the thing.

[James Acaster]

It was just very narrow minded over I thought.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty harsh straight away.

[Ed Gamble]

Pedal File is so funny as well.

[James Acaster]

So funny. It's so funny. Yeah, I got it. It was a. It gave me. It gave me. It really lifted my day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really lifted my day. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

So are you a big fan of solid food as well?

[James Acaster]

I am, but I am. I do eat solids But I have. What could. I would say. I hope I don't embarrass myself here because I am. I have quite an immature palate. I would say.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, that's fine.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I would say it's like apocalyptic. A lot of canned foods. Like when the apocalypse comes, I will be.

[Ed Gamble]

You're like a prepper.

[James Acaster]

I would be down the bunker living my best life. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Will you be good when in the apocalypse? Because if you've eaten all your cans because you love them so much, you won't have any saved up for the apocalypse.

[James Acaster]

I'll do a collab or something if I sensed it's coming.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Get a collab in. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Who's your dream to collab with in the. In the canned food biz?

[James Acaster]

You go Heinz, wouldn't you. Because then you have your spaghetti Eddies and your spaghetti's pot. You get all your. Yeah, beans. Your beans with little sausages, all that stuff.

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I also look like I eat the. Well, I don't eat sausages anymore. I used to eat pork but I don't have gone off at now because I read about that Pigs can basically play Nintendo. They like. And use joysticks and stuff. They've the intelligence of a toddler.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, that's actually true.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they can use joysticks.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And they can recognize their own reflection in mirrors and the orgasm for like 40 minutes or something.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true. I had a half an hour, but maybe I.

[Joanne McNally]

Maybe I got a shit pigment on yourself.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

If you're doing it right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The pigs on tikt.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I follow a pig on Instagram called Merlin the Pig.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And he has all these buttons. Yeah, yeah. With different phrases on them and he can tell his owner what he wants by pressing them.

[Joanne McNally]

Dance with me, mommy. That guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

I think he's just randomly hitting buttons.

[Joanne McNally]

No, he hits the dance with me mommy won a lot. I watched the YouTube video about that. That pig.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And he.

[Joanne McNally]

Dance with me mama.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's what he does when he cha cha down. He's great.

[Joanne McNally]

Dances a lot. It's his favorite one.

[Ed Gamble]

I can see why that would put you off pork.

[James Acaster]

I also don't like the taste of pork.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now sausages I would. Anyway, my point was I used to eat the sausages out of the can. It was like I met my palate. Never developed past 17 year old boy.

[Joanne McNally]

Sure.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I have a student palace. But I'm very happy with it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's We've had a lot of immature palettes on here, I think. I think that's, you know, we've got to represent the full.

[James Acaster]

I think so. That's what I was thinking.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. It's not a snobby podcast.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

And, you know, that's not to say we're not going to take the piss out of you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, of course.

[Joanne McNally]

But. But we'll do it in a nice way.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Well, look, when I'm on the road and I see a service station, there's nothing more exciting to me. Like, I'd book in a table in a petrol station. Like, I love the sandwiches.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I love the little quarter bottles of wine.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like, I'm a simple girl.

[Ed Gamble]

So if you're in a service station, what's your favorite place to go in a service station? Or is it literally the petrol station is your favorite?

[James Acaster]

Well, no, I mean, ideally it would be one of the bigger ones which have the options of the Nandos and the Pratts and the WH Smiths.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then I'll kind of shop around. Oh, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Make your own kind of dream meal out of all the different things.

[James Acaster]

And I love a machine coffee.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's mad.

[Ed Gamble]

He wouldn't even go to the Starbucks in the service station.

[James Acaster]

Well, I actually think Starbucks tastes like burnt hair.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, it does. Am I the only one who thinks gross no press would be my favorite now? I'm a real Pratt girl.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Yeah. Prep coffee in the services, I think is the way to go.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Although I will get Starbucks if I'm feeling like, for me, it's like the. I know. It's a bit more of a junk foodie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It is coffee.

[Joanne McNally]

So sometimes. Sometimes you're in the mood for that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You know?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Do you ever. Would you ever eat a Starbucks sandwich?

[Joanne McNally]

No.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Joanne McNally]

Cake pops. The cake pops from there.

[James Acaster]

That's. Yeah, the bars.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. No, the little cake pops. The little, like, cake on a stick.

[James Acaster]

Oh, nice. I would have thought you were more civilized than that.

[Ed Gamble]

No, James is cake on a stick. The guy loves it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Okay, great.

[Joanne McNally]

Cake on a stick all the way.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

It's so good, the cake pops. The ratio of the icing to cake, which is more icing than cake, is spot on.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what I can't control myself around is the pret. Chocolate mousse. Desserts.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God.

[Ed Gamble]

I very rarely do. I mean, look, if I'm going to pray and this. This sounds crazy. This does not sound like a treat, but I think One of my favorite things in the world is the chocolate covered corn cakes.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's. That is a treat.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, my God. Treat.

[James Acaster]

It is a treat. Anything in pretzel treats.

[Joanne McNally]

He lives a sad life. If that's the treat.

[Ed Gamble]

The chocolate. The chocolate covered corn cakes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, of course, yeah. Any of the wraps. A chicken avocado sandwich and it's. Yeah. But then, of course, I just. I pull apart the sandwich and dunk about a barrel of salt on it. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You're salting the sandwich.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Which is basically a block of salt anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's not. No salt for me yet.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that.

[James Acaster]

I wonder. I think I'd pro. I'm probably gonna get rickets or scurvy at some stage. I have no nutrients, really, like in my ideal meals.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But that's fine. I mean, this is the dream meal. I think we can safely say in the dream restaurant there is no worry of rickets or scurvy.

[James Acaster]

There's no reals.

[Joanne McNally]

No, no, no, no. Yeah. We will promise you you won't get it from this meal.

[James Acaster]

Great. I'll go in for a magical straight away.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

We always start with a little sparkling water.

[James Acaster]

Sparkling, please.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm a big sparkling girl.

[Joanne McNally]

Is it because it reminds you of Prosecco?

[James Acaster]

No, it's a set. There's a sense of occasion to it, I feel.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And when I. Before I made any money, before I had any income from Comedy Top, I was like, you'd be run like you never could afford sparkling water. It was same. It seemed like such a wild extravagance.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

So now I think it's a bit of a flex, being like, I'll take the sparkly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Every time.

[James Acaster]

Every time it's sparkly. And when I buy a house, which I hope to do at some stage before I hit 50, I want one of those sparkly taps. You know those. What are they? The Quaker taps. What are they called?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, not quite. They're not Quaker taps. No, that's. That's one that has porridge coming out of it.

[James Acaster]

What are they called?

[Ed Gamble]

Quicker.

[James Acaster]

Quicker, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Do they do sparkling water as well?

[James Acaster]

I don't know how they do it. I don't want to know the signs.

[Ed Gamble]

Hot water as well. Right. You can get the boiling water taps. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Crazy hot one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So. But like, they. I don't know if there's some lad pumping it down there. I don't know what some.

[Ed Gamble]

There'll be a lad.

[James Acaster]

I think there'll be a lad down there.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Morning.

[Joanne McNally]

Take your morning to the lad. See his eye through the plug. Imagine if you buck. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

If you paid thousands of pounds to have a new tap installed. And then you realize when the guy turns up, he just gets in.

[James Acaster]

In just a base underneath. Yeah, ye. Yeah, I know. He's just in the bubbles themselves. Little wands. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Like if it was the Flintstones. Little animal making it work.

[James Acaster]

They're not that expensive, those taps. I don't think I would have thought. They're about 60 grand.

[Ed Gamble]

They should be a million Pleasure to.

[James Acaster]

Have water coming out of your tap.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, well, so. So you're not far off getting one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, you've aimed very far in the future as well. Being like you. You hope like one day I hope to get one of these taps. And you said like by the time I'm 50.

[James Acaster]

I know I struggle with. I struggle with admin, so I don't know how I'm gonna.

[Joanne McNally]

With admin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of admin and yeah. Buying. Trying to buy a house.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I've seen on my own.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You know, but you don't want to have one of those taps installed in where you're living at the moment because you want it to be put in your own place.

[James Acaster]

I don't know if this is correct now. I could have read this somewhere. It could be fake news. I think you take it with you. I think they're detachable.

[Ed Gamble]

So you don't. There's no.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no installation within the actual plumbing of the.

[Joanne McNally]

I don't believe it's all on the.

[James Acaster]

It's just magic.

[Ed Gamble]

It's one tap that carbonates water as it's coming through the tap.

[James Acaster]

I believe so.

[Ed Gamble]

That doesn't feel right.

[James Acaster]

Doesn't actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Sure does it Must be a lad.

[James Acaster]

Just laugh bumping down there.

[Joanne McNally]

You got the. You got the ice in that. In that drink?

[James Acaster]

No. Depending on the weather. No. No lemon. Nothing. Nothing to stain the instrument. Just bubbly water.

[Joanne McNally]

Brand of sparkling water. You like or do you want it out the tap? Out that special tap.

[James Acaster]

Well, I like a sample of green out. I like. I like the bottle. Makes me feel like I'm on holidays in Italy. Yeah, I like it. What's that can that makes it look like you're drinking cider? Demon water.

[Ed Gamble]

Liquid Death.

[James Acaster]

Liquid Death, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Huge fan of Liquid Death.

[James Acaster]

Are you fan? I love Liquid Death. Yeah. I was kicked out.

[Ed Gamble]

You can put a skull on something. I love it.

[James Acaster]

I don't think they think it's cans.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I know. We're coming back to it. Sorry. Joanne, please tell us why you were kicked out the bar.

[James Acaster]

It was after a gig. I just looked. Gig can always be. And I went to the bar across the road, but I was. Was. Had a can of the Doghouse. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You went to the Dog House? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And I had a can of Sparkling Death.

[Joanne McNally]

Liquid Death.

[James Acaster]

And it look. It looks like a really hardcore can of cider or something. And I walked in, and your man. Your man came out behind the wire, and he was buzzing to kick me out. Like, do you know these people? He was like, Glee.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He was like, straight away out. Not a chance. Nope. Pointed to the can. What a feel, he felt.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I bet.

[James Acaster]

What a feel.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, so he thought you were bringing booze into the venue.

[James Acaster]

It's water. And he's like, I can't apologize off. I'm so sorry.

[Joanne McNally]

Like, Yeah, I. I mean, it is one of the best feelings in life to be right. Knowing you're right.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

While the other person completely just, like, goes way too hard. Yeah. Knowing you've got this.

[James Acaster]

Taking the whole thing, taking the higher road. Like, when I'm like, don't worry about it. It's okay. Because he bowed down there. He stood back. He was like, I'm so sorry.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because he did. He made a show of himself. We were all embarrassed.

[Ed Gamble]

The only time I really get that, because I'm often in the wrong, is when I'm going to venues and there's, like, a bouncer on the door searching people's bags and stuff. And you're not allowed to take food in. I'm type 1 diabetic, so I always have to have glucose sweets with me. So they'll, like, pull out the sweets from my bag and be like, no food, mate. You're gonna have to toss that. And I'll go, I'm type one diabetic.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Do you have a little card or anything?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

No. Oh.

[Ed Gamble]

So if you guys want to use that, go ahead.

[Joanne McNally]

I didn't know if they pushed you any further. You got your kit and stuff?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I got, like, insulin and needles.

[James Acaster]

Anyone could rock up a kit like, you can.

[Joanne McNally]

Joe.

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[Joanne McNally]

Anyone who goes to that trouble deserve to take some sweeties into the gig.

[James Acaster]

I know. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a great feeling.

[James Acaster]

It's like when people are just taking their little pets on the airplanes now and call them therapy dogs or whatever.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You're like, how do you prove that you are completely traumatized? You need to.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. The only way you can prove it is if the dog wasn't with you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So you can be really calm when.

[James Acaster]

The dog's there, right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And stick it in the hold. See how that. See how that works out.

[James Acaster]

Well, that has happened and didn't work out well.

[Joanne McNally]

Sorry.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

For who?

[James Acaster]

The dog.

[Joanne McNally]

I'm sorry. I bet. Who did it happen to?

[James Acaster]

Who did that? I don't know. Someone in the Daily Mail.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, of course.

[James Acaster]

I don't know the person. Here I go. Papa Doms. Okay, I have enough bread coming up and I love. I'm a. I love crisps and all like. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Can you say some of your favorite crisps?

[James Acaster]

I mean, it depends on the mood.

[Joanne McNally]

Are we not. Are we not being patriotic here?

[James Acaster]

Oh, we got tato. Yeah, yeah, we'd have to. And Hunky Dory's. Aren't they Irish as well, are they? Yeah, I think so.

[Joanne McNally]

I just haven't heard of Hunky Dory.

[James Acaster]

Have you not? Okay, well, we'll go tato then. I'll rep.

[Ed Gamble]

I was looking forward to giving Joanne a mood that she was in and matching it with the crisp.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Will it be more a drink as well? Would be. I love anything ribbed, but I will take Taylor. Are quite. They're. They're not. They're unripped. I'll take them as well. An onion ring, Hot lip, you know, hot lips, all these tempeh crisps. Banshee bones. And then like that.

[Ed Gamble]

It feels like you're making all of this up.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah. It's just a sketch. A company where someone is ordering stuff no one's ever heard of.

[James Acaster]

After school, we go in with like banshee bones. They're all like kind of corn crisps, like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. You know yourself, I think Space raiders.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they were Bunchy bones.

[Joanne McNally]

Were.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Kind of like Space race.

[Ed Gamble]

Banshee bones Were a former space raider.

[James Acaster]

Wheelies.

[Joanne McNally]

Wheelies, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like, basically I. My. I. If I was brought to like a 21st birthday party and it's bread, that would be my ideal meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like goujons and shit. Crisps, basically. So I would have popping on because it's the closest thing, and then I get the condiments.

[Joanne McNally]

Well, look, if you would rather have crisps, all your favorite crisps for this bit, you can. It's your dream meal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, then I will. Yeah, then I will. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So we'll put some banshee bones in there.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Scrap the papadons and we take the. We take a bowl of bed tempe. Crisps and potatoes.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sour cream and onion. Big things.

[Joanne McNally]

Sour cream and onion taters.

[James Acaster]

Sour cream, onion taters. I'm also. I'm a big fan of Pringles.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, okay.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I find them quite addictive.

[Ed Gamble]

They're probably famously.

[Joanne McNally]

What would you say?

[James Acaster]

I don't know if they thought about this. Once I pop, I feel.

[Ed Gamble]

I just can't stop.

[Joanne McNally]

Do you think you'd get on with the Pringles man on the tub if he came to life? What?

[James Acaster]

Pringles man?

[Ed Gamble]

This is huge.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God. I've never noticed.

[Ed Gamble]

You've never noticed there's a man on the front of the tube?

[Joanne McNally]

What the.

[James Acaster]

No. Oh, hold on. Sorry. I can't picture him.

[Ed Gamble]

What do you. Don't show her.

[James Acaster]

I can't get a potato lad.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, I want Joanne to describe what she thinks the Pringles man looks like.

[James Acaster]

Oh, I know. I do know. I'm the Italian lad with the mustache. Yeah, I do know him. And you know what?

[Joanne McNally]

I don't know if he specified as.

[Ed Gamble]

Italian, but, yeah, I think you're thinking of. Of lumping him in with Mario because of the mustache.

[James Acaster]

He's got a hipster vibe, doesn't he? Yeah, he's got to buy a fixie bike off him. I actually.

[Ed Gamble]

His name's Julius Pringles.

[James Acaster]

You don't know that.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true.

[James Acaster]

You just made that up.

[Joanne McNally]

That's true.

[Ed Gamble]

Look it up. His name's Julius Pringles.

[James Acaster]

They gave him a first name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, Julius. It's Pringles or Pringle. But it's Julius. Definitely Julius.

[James Acaster]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

I think we have talked about it on the podcast before.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, he's not in.

[James Acaster]

Does he have, like, a date of birth and a star sign?

[Ed Gamble]

He doesn't even have a body.

[James Acaster]

I actually own a pair of Pringles. Sent me a pair of Crocs. They did a collab with Crocs. And I, I. They were like, do you want a pair? And I was like, yeah, I do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And they arrived and they're two different colors, which I thought was a mistake, but it's not, apparently.

[Ed Gamble]

That's. Are they what they.

[James Acaster]

Red One's red, one one's green and one's blue. And then he's, like, stuck on them, like charms. Like, there's, like, a Pringle coming. Like, you know, they're very. Teemu.

[Ed Gamble]

What are the.

[James Acaster]

But they're very.

[Ed Gamble]

There's a specific name for those things you put on Crocs, aren't there?

[James Acaster]

Charms? Croc charms.

[Ed Gamble]

No, they're called, like, widgets or something, I think.

[James Acaster]

Are they?

[Ed Gamble]

There's a specific name for the things you put on Crocs.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. I never heard of this.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I didn't even know there was things you could put on Crocs. I didn't know that was a thing.

[James Acaster]

Huge in Japan and like, flying out over here now as well. It's Charms is what I was. I thought they were called. But anyway, okay, you know, you knew Pringles was called Jibbitz.

[Joanne McNally]

Jibbitz. Like, they're called Jibbits, Joanne.

[James Acaster]

Jibbitz.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Well, I should know that because I've been wearing Gibbards around the house for about three months.

[Joanne McNally]

So you got some Pringles in a bowl. You've got some potatoes in a bowl.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You got some wheelies.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Some hot lips, Some. Yeah. Potatoes. Chili. Chili crisps? Anything. Chili, Sweet chili. Yeah. Anything. All of us. And a Hue. Am I getting ahead of myself?

[Joanne McNally]

No.

[James Acaster]

And a huge Pinot Grigio. Ice cold.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, Huge.

[James Acaster]

Huge.

[Ed Gamble]

We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses.

[James Acaster]

No, no.

[Joanne McNally]

You can pair every course of a drink if you want.

[Ed Gamble]

So Peanut. Peanuthile specifically refers to Pinot Grigio.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel like you should do a bit at the top, just explaining that just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. What about Pinot Grigio? Do you love so much the taste?

[James Acaster]

Like, I'm not gonna sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smells. I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Like, I don't really complain because about stuff, because I. I wouldn't read. Like, I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't really care. I really don't. But the only thing I will send back is if the one. If I. If the wine's not warm. Yeah, sorry, the wine's not cold enough. I will send that back. I'm like practically a Somalia. I'm like, that's kind of room temperature. And they'll give me another one.

[Ed Gamble]

It should really be closer to room temperature than you think if you want to taste it properly.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But you. Listen, I'm just. I'm just had a course of wheelies. I clearly don't get a shit. You know what I mean?

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you. So obviously when. When you did the. The last show, the Prosecco sold very well with. With the audience.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grigio industry to.

[James Acaster]

Raise awareness for Pinot Grigio.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. To sell it as much as you did. I mean, I'd love to have your own line a week with your tour manager. Because they replaced my tour manager for a week.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Joanne McNally]

And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, whose fault is that? Like if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express. Like we would tell the venue, we, in fairness to my agents, they were ringing because I would, I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going, they're out of Prosecco, they're out of glasses. And I'm like, it's carnage out there. So I was saying to my agent, please ring ahead and make sure they know. And then they would ring ahead and the venue would be like, like, oh yeah, don't worry, it's all taken care of. And the same thing would happen again. I was like, don't underestimate those women. I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show. Yeah. Now I think someone's broken it since. Cuz that was maybe two years ago.

[Ed Gamble]

Wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much.

[Joanne McNally]

That wasn't ours.

[James Acaster]

It was, it was.

[Joanne McNally]

Thank you. Dweebs keep coming to see us.

[James Acaster]

They ran out suduka or something.

[Ed Gamble]

We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me round maybe a couple of weeks after.

[James Acaster]

Oh yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And he said, yeah, your audience drink. Yeah, they're just, it'd be all these, like he said, all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and come out the theater looking the complete or just absolutely shit faced.

[James Acaster]

I know, I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes. Cause I have to remind myself it's not my night out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Woo. Do you know what I mean? Like when I first started, like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't. Like a drink on stage is fine, but it's not my, it's not my night out. Like I'm actually there to work sometimes they just, I don't know, I just, I just love that kind of girls night out vibe. I just want to kind of crowd surf and get involved. Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out after. I just go to wherever they were what's the audience?

[Joanne McNally]

You party with the audience.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, like, not that they weren't. It's not like they were going out en masse, but, like, if women would text and like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door, I'd be like, okay, you go.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Was it not weird? Were they not, like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time? And it was a bit of a divide.

[James Acaster]

Not for. No, re. This was back. It was. They were smaller rooms.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But no, it was just like, oh, there's Juan. There was no real. There's no. There was no divide at all. Yeah. We just gotta drink wine in the pub.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it was nice, but you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many. How many dates did you do of that last show?

[James Acaster]

I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

It's loads, though.

[James Acaster]

It was a lot. Yeah, yeah. It was a fair. It was two years.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's shitloads.

[James Acaster]

That's shitloads. That's. That's. Yes. At some stage, I had to kind of be like, okay, this is a job now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You know, can't be without drinking with the audience.

[James Acaster]

But I can tell you, I. Jesus. I really, like, really. I can. I can go. I can go. Even I was like, wow, I'm going again. It's crazy. And I feel great. I look, because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that, like, the balls of us. I would just go. And I think there was only once or twice in the tour that I was like. I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like. I really. I was like, you know yourself. You're like, 12 shows in rows. I don't think I can. And we didn't. We never once changed anything. I just kept doing them. You know yourself, the adrenaline, you just kind of come alive.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, so you're saying. So sorry. When you're saying, like, I can go. I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the shows.

[James Acaster]

I was, yes. That is actually what I meant.

[Ed Gamble]

That is what Joe meant. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

But then I. Oh, it was what you meant.

[James Acaster]

Enjoy the show. I enjoy the balls of the. Doing a show so much that you're able to.

[Joanne McNally]

Then you want to carry it on. I just.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I just don't care. Yeah, I. I have. I don't really get hangovers or anything. I don't know. I'm like a cockroach.

[Joanne McNally]

It's weird, but, yeah, they get worse as you get older.

[James Acaster]

I'm 41, James. I mean.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

You know what I mean?

[James Acaster]

Bring me another argument.

[Joanne McNally]

I didn't know you were 41. Yeah, okay, well, I can't tell you that. I just, as a 40 year old told a 41 year old, hey, yeah, it was gonna get worse, believe me.

[James Acaster]

It's weird. It's like they're. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Is it. Is it. I've built up an immunity. I don't know. There's very little consequences even. But yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a rep for drinking. But like, even amongst my own people, I'm like, I'm a. I'm pretty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I can go. Yeah. I don't know how else to describe it.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you gonna do your own pinot for this tour? Well, you imagine selling your own. Selling out of your own booze at every venue.

[James Acaster]

But you know what the problem there is because I have a. Someone who kind of. I don't. I have no business savvy, really, at all. I'm just. I don't think about stuff like that. But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea. It could taste like toilet. Look, I wouldn't give a. Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it. Sure. They want to sell their own beers.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, of course.

[James Acaster]

You know what I mean? Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flog my own viewers. They'd be like, you chief bastards. So, no, no merch.

[Ed Gamble]

But you could sell it to them.

[James Acaster]

You know, to the venues.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

I'm sure. I'm sure you. There. There's a way of doing it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

This is me talking as if I have any business acumen.

[Joanne McNally]

They'll find a way of ripping you off. You can send it on your website. Surely you could be selling booze, but.

[James Acaster]

Like, what caliber of wine would it.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, what does it matter? You're putting ice in it.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, I don't put ice in wine.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, well, you're having it super cold.

[James Acaster]

Super cold. But I won't put ice in wine. I. I think it's a disgrace.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, okay.

[James Acaster]

Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Muhammad.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine?

[Ed Gamble]

It was a prize task.

[Joanne McNally]

I saw the whole series.

[James Acaster]

It was a pro. It was a. Do you Remember there we had to do to bring in something you can get into. So that could be like maybe a hobby or. Obviously, because I have no imagination. Brought in a sleeping bag. But it was, it was. It was designed like Tootin Camo. That was kind of my thing. So I was like, how cool would it be to get into Tootin Cammy's too?

[Joanne McNally]

Anyway.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Greg wasn't a fun.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Last one point, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Next was one point, to be fair.

[James Acaster]

He's like the sweetest man ever and he's. He's just so innocent or something. But he brought in the photo and, like, bearing in mind the production. Have to agree, like, I brought in stuff that they were like. You know yourself. They're like, nah, that's not really going to work. So they obviously saw that and they were like, yeah, go for it. And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it. And it came up on the screen and we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know you can add ice to wine? And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack? He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous. Someone had told him he could do it and he never knew it. He didn't think anyone else knew you could do it.

[Ed Gamble]

It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine was his pride. And he said it so proudly, didn't he?

[James Acaster]

It was like he'd. It was like he'd like invented black holes or something. It was like. It was like, did you know you could time travel? Yeah, it was very funny. But no, I don't put ice in wine. Don't agree with.

[Joanne McNally]

When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape.

[Ed Gamble]

Frozen grape.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, a frozen grape into a glass of lemonade. Lemonade or something. He calls it summer cocktail.

[James Acaster]

Of course he does.

[Joanne McNally]

Your dream starter.

[James Acaster]

Okay, so my dream starter will be a club sandwich.

[Joanne McNally]

Lovely. Great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Ed finds that funny.

[Ed Gamble]

I do. It's a sandwich.

[James Acaster]

I. I love club sandwiches. Minus the bacon, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, of course. Because of the clever.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I don't eat bacon.

[Joanne McNally]

It feels like it's not a club sandwich anymore.

[James Acaster]

It's a chicken sandwich.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Chicken salad sandwich. But I guess you got the three layers.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And the toasty bit in the middle.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And re. And then again, let's add loads of salt.

[Ed Gamble]

Mayo.

[James Acaster]

It's basically. It's mayo with a side of sandwich. That's what I would say.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I think it's a myth, but. Oh, it might not be, but club is supposed to stand for chicken and lettuce under bacon. But I think it might have been disproved.

[James Acaster]

So I have a clue.

[Ed Gamble]

So you have a clue. I have a claw.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah. I have a huge claw. Yeah. It's my favorite meal, actually. Chips.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, the chips in the middle.

[James Acaster]

Chips in the middle.

[Ed Gamble]

There is something about when you're traveling abroad, especially for work, if you get there late to a hotel or something, there's always a club sandwich on room service menu.

[James Acaster]

So it's wrong.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You can't go wrong with the club sandwich or a claw sandwich. Stop. My starter. And again, a huge pinot. Still Pinot.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. So another. Another Pinot. Yeah, yeah. So it's not a different drink.

[James Acaster]

I went on while I was in Cape Town and January and we did this wine tasting event and I was like, can I get. Can I get a glass of wine? They're like, the wine tasting is starting. And I was like, yeah. They're like, okay. While they were lining up the other wine.

[Ed Gamble]

Cleansing your palate. That's fine.

[James Acaster]

Oh, by the way, no one's allowed in the restaurant. Tell me what the ingredients of anything. I can't bear it. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. And they clog up the whole thing, telling you what the. I don't care. And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving your phone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They're pointing at it and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you're like, I do not care.

[Ed Gamble]

What do you do in that situation? If you are in a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes over and he's like doing a long spiel about what.

[James Acaster]

I have to live. What can you do? I just smack them all. You have to listen to them. It's like a one man show. You're like, oh, my God. Because I don't care. I'm just like, it's just all fishy foam. It's all foam really, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

I think there's a way of doing it where you could be like, like, that's enough now. I know you, I know you have to do this, but I really don't care. So you can go and take the next couple of minutes off.

[James Acaster]

But then I think they take that personally.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like when I was, we went to this really fancy restaurant in Cape Town because one of the lads, I was there, his boyfriend wanted to go like. And he's a real foodie and me and his boyfriend aren't. So we just were like, Just whatever. And we didn't care. But like, the staff, it was obvious that it bothered them. Like they wanted the ceremony of ding ding ding. They, you know, they stood at the top of the table and they point it and it's like. Do you know when you're on an airplane, like they. They start sending you instructions through the tannoy and you can't understand words. It's just like white noise. Yeah, that's what I hear when there's someone at the top of the table telling me what's in the food. And then it comes out and you're like, all that for something the size of a Tic Tac? There are more than two ingredients even in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's. It's wasted on me. So I don't want anyone interrupting, telling me what's in the.

[Ed Gamble]

What about telling you about the wine? So pouring you a glass of wine and then telling you about the producer and the climate and the. The vintage. How do you feel about that?

[James Acaster]

What do you think?

[Ed Gamble]

I'd imagine you hate it, right?

[James Acaster]

I wouldn't give a shit. Yeah, I know because I sound. I sound solo ranch, but I am.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I think I get it because you just want to have. Eat the nice thing or whatever.

[James Acaster]

If I'd one day left on earth, you'd find me under the top. And weather spins just like.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what I mean? Trying to get past 20 quid. I just love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a particular Pinot grigio that you. That you love, that's your go to.

[James Acaster]

To buy anything around the ace pound? Yes. No, I don't care.

[Ed Gamble]

But there must have been one where you're like, this is.

[James Acaster]

I wish I cared.

[Joanne McNally]

I wish I could never went, oh.

[James Acaster]

This one even like, oh, let me taste it. And I'm like, no.

[Ed Gamble]

And not for any of that reason. Not for any sort of fancy wine reason, just to be like, I'll get that one again. Because I know I like it.

[James Acaster]

I know I like. There's. I like barefoot.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. There you go.

[James Acaster]

Which I think is kind of like the alco pop of wine.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's like saying, that's corner shop.

[James Acaster]

I'll pair my steak with a blue wicked. I think it's pretty basic. I'm like a barefoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's terrible. It's one of those things. It's like star signs. I wish I was more engaged.

[Joanne McNally]

You wish you were more engaged in star signs?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I'd love to believe in us.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, yeah. I Don't think it's not the same. Yeah. Yes. I mean, star signs aren't. Star signs are up for debate, but what people tell you is in the food is fact.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't believe in this.

[Joanne McNally]

I believe in this. The person who cooks.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I just wish that. Because I think I know that like. Like men, certainly there. I. I see a man at a start. Like the pr. The pr. The pride of a man at a barbecue. Or like women who kind of slave over meals, and I just don't get it. It's like looking at. It's like trying to, you know, remember in that film with Robin Williams.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, here we go. What happens in it? We'll try and guess it.

[James Acaster]

Your man's great at maths.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Remember, he stands in front of the. Remember, people can't solve it. That's like me with fear. I'm like, I don't get it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I know it's. I know I need it, and I do eat it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I like what I eat, but I. I like it.

[Ed Gamble]

Just. I can. I. I complete. I was gonna say, I understand. I sympathize with that viewpoint.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But it is the opposite.

[Joanne McNally]

But.

[James Acaster]

And then when some people go over the top, I'm like, I think it's a bit wanky. I think they're being a bit pretentious with us. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I am.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You're so one of those.

[Joanne McNally]

When they come out and they tell you what's in it and stuff.

[James Acaster]

Stuff. People who particularly. I've. I've dated men before. They make it their identity. Now I've. My. My main peanut. What?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, they start a podcast about it.

[James Acaster]

Do you have a food podcast?

[Ed Gamble]

Joanne, where do you think you are?

[Joanne McNally]

Jesus. That was for the listener. I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

And then when. When the penny dropped and Joanne realized what she had said, I was like, oh, that wasn't a joke.

[Ed Gamble]

That's incredible.

[Joanne McNally]

That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast? While we are discussing food on the podcast.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God. I think it was just the way you presented us.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That. I thought it was something you were eating on your own.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no.

[James Acaster]

James is here. I just. I'm Benito. I lost track. Of course this is a food podcast. This is more like a restaurant podcast, though.

[Joanne McNally]

Sure, sure. I mean, what are those jobs if not food related?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

But. Yeah, fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, God.

[Ed Gamble]

So you've. You've dated men who are upset making.

[James Acaster]

Their identity personality, and that kind of annoys me. I'M like, got a hobby says you're one slamming the penis. I'm like, get a hobby. It's not like I'm doing anything interesting. But still, I find they can be a little bit much at times, I think.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, I think definitely if you're in a relationship or dating someone who is hyper into something you're not not. And they don't care that you're not into it, but they want to tell you about it all the time and push that upon you so that you also and use it as a way of showing off their intellect or whatever. It's very.

[James Acaster]

If there's something snobby about us.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. They beat their snobby about us. And obviously with my palace, it's just never gonna work.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, you know, fair enough.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. They're making French onion soup and all. I'm like, I'm not here for that.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, it's in it. Does it annoy you in the title of what's in it is in the title of the.

[Joanne McNally]

As they've said. Yeah, I made you some French onion soup. Don't give me the whole spiel soup.

[James Acaster]

You know, I just want a cup of soup with steak croutons.

[Unknown]

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[James Acaster]

Race the rudders. Race the sails. Race the sails.

[Joanne McNally]

Captain and unidentified identified ship is approaching. Over.

[James Acaster]

Roger. Wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution?

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Joanne McNally]

Ugh. Endless onboarding. IT bottlenecks, admin requests.

[Ed Gamble]

But what if things were different?

[Joanne McNally]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[James Acaster]

Custom workflows you can build on your own. Easy to use prompt free AI.

[Joanne McNally]

Huh. Turns out you can love a work management platform. Monday.com the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[James Acaster]

3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail].

[Joanne McNally]

Your dream main course.

[James Acaster]

Okay, so keeping with the immature palace y now I love warm reassuring food and I have to say this is just my dream meal. Like I do eat like other things. This is just. If I could, I would love. I love two minute noodles.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I love you. You're laughing at me now cuz you're probably an eight minute noodle man. Are you something. Something fancy. You're ramen man. I love a two minute noodle. There's now it's two minutes. You're in and out and what And I love potato waffles. And what I would imagine in my dream restaurant. You know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then inside it was filled with the two minute noodles would not be delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

So good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And it's floating in a bowl of butter. Would not be gorgeous.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And the anchor was a goujon.

[Joanne McNally]

It has to be an anchor. I wasn't thrown away.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

It'll be out the door.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It wouldn't stay exactly. To keep it still. It's like an eater.

[Ed Gamble]

So my dream dinner, two minute noodles as in is that a specific brand that you like or is it just like a pot noodle?

[James Acaster]

No, no, no, no. Not the pot noodles.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

The packets of them. I'm not the pot noodles wouldn't do it for me now which I'm glad to say I have some standards.

[Ed Gamble]

Like square. Yeah, yeah yeah. Like come with the flavoring, seasoning. They are great, aren't they, they're so good.

[James Acaster]

They're so good. And I actually checked at one stage, there's no nutritional value in them at all. But like, whatever, we're out, it's the weekend. Yeah, yeah. And I'd have them but the, the waffles would have to be obviously a little cold just to keep them in.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Shape or whatever. And then maybe a Pringle is the sale.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

How big is the waffle boat and how many packs of two minute noodles do you reckon you need to fill the waffle boat? And then warning there's going to be some maths involved after this.

[James Acaster]

I didn't think, actually, I never thought about whether I'm. Whether I'm on my own or not.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

For your dream. Who do you want there?

[Joanne McNally]

I can't imagine you wanting it on your own because you're a social person, you love, you drink with your audience.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you can come. You can come.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

And my mom.

[Joanne McNally]

Just the four of us.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Will we get on with your mum?

[James Acaster]

Ah, yeah, yeah. She sounds. You like her. Sorry, Ben, you. I don't know if you're your. What your plans are.

[Joanne McNally]

It'll bring it down.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You don't say much, so not sure what you bring to the table.

[Joanne McNally]

Not much fun.

[James Acaster]

So you're not, you're not involved in the waffle bus. You've been sent back to shore. So the waffle. But. Well, I, I want. It would have to be something quite remarkable really, wouldn't it? And pushed out on a trip. No, someone would have to push it out. Like as in. It would be kind of quite the. What would I say? What am I trying to think of when some, when you look at something, it's a spectacle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I'd want the house. You know the way in restaurants and there's. They bring out the hot meat platter and there's like, it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off with the sparklers. That's what I'd want really.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it say, is it sailing to the, to the table? Is there like a river of butter that leads to the table?

[James Acaster]

Well, there, now you're talking.

[Ed Gamble]

Feels like it should really.

[James Acaster]

Oh my God. Yeah, I didn't think of that.

[Joanne McNally]

The river butter like leads out of the kitchen.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't think of that.

[Ed Gamble]

Like a sushi conveyor belt. But it's a river of butter. Yes, but then you'd have to, you'd have to get the goujon anchor. And anchor it yourself.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, that's nice. A bit of exercise.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

60 kilos of potato waffles. Yeah, No, I could do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Is there a. The noodles?

[James Acaster]

That's a really good idea.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a spectacle, isn't it? Yeah. Is there a particular flavor of the noodles that you want? The chicken ones? Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Chicken ones or curry? I like them both. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I mean, you've got so many packets in there. You could have a mix chicken curry.

[James Acaster]

And just Also, that whole meal will cost about six pounds.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I'm bringing value here as well, I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

The construction of the. The Butter River.

[James Acaster]

My mom would do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Someone's got to build a waffle boat. I mean, that's what we cut.

[James Acaster]

My mom would do that. My mom would do that.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah. How many. How many packets, though? Because do you want us to. Well, now boil them all at the same time so it's two minutes across the board.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Or are we doing them one after the other in the same, like.

[James Acaster]

No, because.

[Joanne McNally]

And then it's going to take ages.

[James Acaster]

No, no, we'd have to do them at the same time. Otherwise you're mixing al dente. Too many noodles with much softer tuna or they'd go cold.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. So we have to have a lot of pots on the boil.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, It'd be quite. It'd be like a challenge. Annika kind of thing.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And there'd be like timers and stuff, but we're not involved in that. That's all behind the scenes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Is Annika doing it?

[James Acaster]

And your mom, she used to drop out of, like planes and helicopters.

[Ed Gamble]

Running the whole time.

[James Acaster]

Just running all the time. Y in those incredibly tight pants.

[Joanne McNally]

I think it would become like a old school comedy sketch where it's like, who's doing the noodles? Rice. No, I said the noodles. Rice is.

[Ed Gamble]

Rice is doing the noodles.

[Joanne McNally]

Rice is on the noodles. We'll get them, get them off the noodles.

[Ed Gamble]

Then noodles from the Offspring pops up. Did someone call for me? I'm doing the rice.

[Joanne McNally]

He's the guitarist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be a good sketch. Joanne.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Do you want the theme tune from Titanic player when the boat comes out?

[James Acaster]

No, we do something like fun, like Vanga Boys or something. Vanga Bus is coming.

[Joanne McNally]

Great. Isn't that confusing, though, if you're playing the Venga bus is coming when the boat comes out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's only us four.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And we know what's going to happen, so that's fine.

[James Acaster]

We've ordered it yeah, we know what's coming down the border river on the menu.

[Ed Gamble]

It would have a picture of. It feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it.

[James Acaster]

100%. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And it would say accompanied by the Venger bus is coming. So you know what's coming up.

[James Acaster]

Or maybe you can choose the song you want to. That. Yeah, that's. Now we're adding a bit of. There's a party vibe happening here now. Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

But you would select if the Venga bus is coming?

[James Acaster]

I think so, yeah. Something to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches because we'd be carved out of it.

[Joanne McNally]

So we need a potato waffle boat with noodles in it. I don't think the carbs are going away anytime soon.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And I'd be able to. I. I'd like. I'd like. Because it's a dream meal and I don't smoke anymore, but for the, for the evening that's in it, I would like one marbleite indoors.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

During the main course.

[James Acaster]

Well, I don't know. I'm. I'm trying to decide where that would go. Well, maybe I don't miss the music.

[Ed Gamble]

Cuz the ship got a cannon and it just fires a cigarette into your mouth.

[James Acaster]

No, ridiculous.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[James Acaster]

Ridiculous. Fantastical. No, I'd like a little marble light, but I would like it in indoors. Like old school, like 80s kind of.

[Joanne McNally]

Of.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, it's great.

[Joanne McNally]

Are we pairing a drink with the main course?

[James Acaster]

We are.

[Joanne McNally]

What would you like?

[James Acaster]

I'd like a giant glass of Pinot Grigio Every time I'm three down now, am I?

[Ed Gamble]

Every time you order, order a new drink would do you spend the time being like, I wonder what I'm gonna have now. And everyone sat there going, we're not gonna have drink.

[Joanne McNally]

Do you. What. What wines do you have?

[James Acaster]

Is that in New Zealand? No.

[Joanne McNally]

Kirk.

[James Acaster]

No. Do you know what? Actually, no, to spice it up because two, two large wines are enough for any woman really. Because then you start getting a little, you know, opinionated.

[Joanne McNally]

We wouldn't want that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I just want everyone to enjoy themselves. So I'd move on. Do you know what drink I love? And I don't know, I've never paired it with the potato waffle bout before. I love a Lagrang me.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. This will, this will calm those opinions down.

[Ed Gamble]

Just to take the edge off. Yeah, a little bit. Lovely. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Bit of class.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Negroni with a little umbrella in it.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, lovely.

[James Acaster]

And a Ferrero Rocher floating down the bottom What? Ferrero Rocher.

[Joanne McNally]

A Ferrero Rocher. In the drink.

[James Acaster]

In the drink. I wanna. I wanna continue to lower the tone. I don't. Or frozen Haribo.

[Joanne McNally]

So you put.

[Ed Gamble]

You were worried, though, when you said Negroni, you're like, people are gonna.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, what have I done? I'm just saying this for show. I don' What I want frozen Haribo. Do you never freeze your Haribo?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Joanne McNally]

I mean, that's sounds genius. I love that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I freeze most things. Like those naked bars.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Freeze them as well.

[Joanne McNally]

Great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

With the Haribo, you just eating them frozen. Wow.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. They last for six times the amount. Like, they're chewy, they're delicious.

[Joanne McNally]

I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast before. Probably we got sent a bunch of naked bars once when we were starting this podcast. So I had loads in the house. And the first time that my girlfriend came back to my flat in the morning, I had to leave really early. I said, help yourself to everything. Got loads of naked bars in there that need eating. If you want one of them. Just a good quick breakfast or whatever. Got back, she had gone. She'd left the naked bar wrapper on my pillow with a note. Cause she didn't like the naked bar as a joke.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Joanne McNally]

But when she left, she shut the front door. A breeze must have occurred. That meant that the naked bar wrapper blew off the pillow, but the note remained. So I came back after the first night I'd spent with my girlfriend, intimately, this first intimate night, to a night on my pillow that said, worst thing I've ever put in my mouth.

[James Acaster]

Stop. That's not true, James.

[Joanne McNally]

That is what happened.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you are the only comic I know who that would have actually happened to. And you still not done it on a tour. How are you not doing that in me? How are you not going booking a gig in for tonight?

[Joanne McNally]

That's so funny. It doesn't sound real.

[Ed Gamble]

It doesn't sound real.

[Joanne McNally]

It sounds too. Too written.

[Ed Gamble]

People don't care about that.

[James Acaster]

No, they don't.

[Joanne McNally]

Well, still, it's important to me that people know that that is what happened. Yeah. Word in my mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

How have you not told me that before?

[Joanne McNally]

I thought I had. I thought I must have told you that, though. Good for her. But. Good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But opinions and give feedback.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, sure. But I was like, well, I can't te now. Like, I don't know. I'd like to go to a date with her. Which Is awesome.

[James Acaster]

This seems a bit brutal.

[Joanne McNally]

That's not gonna happen again.

[James Acaster]

And I can't be shin like naked bars. I horse those things.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, I like them. I like them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I love them as well. Have you had the. They do like chocolate covered ones now. Have you had those before?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they do, like bigger sort of chocolate covered one ones.

[James Acaster]

I'm eating the. There's the pro. They do a protein one because as we know, protein is huge right now. Huge. And they say that like once you hit your 40s, if you're not eating, I don't know, 60kgs of protein A day, you're gonna die of muscle atrophy or something. It's all about protein now.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And lifting weights. So I tried to get my protein in wherever it goes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Your dream side dish, Carl's Law, by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

I just want to say there's no protein in this meal. There's a bit of chicken in the club sandwich.

[Joanne McNally]

Chicken flavored noodles.

[Ed Gamble]

Chicken flavored noodles.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah. Come on, what do you want?

[James Acaster]

Open your mind.

[Joanne McNally]

A lot of protein.

[James Acaster]

I get an old Fashioned. Is there an egg white in that? There you go.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. No, they don't. It's whiskey sour. You could get whiskey sour.

[Joanne McNally]

You completely tricked me there. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You agreed.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Egg white and that. A picture of the whiskey sour. I was like, yep, yeah. And then like, no, that's a Devin Brown trick you've done on me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Coleslaw. Like I love the stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

How much coleslaw would you say you're eating day to day?

[James Acaster]

Well, my mom, when she do the big shop at the weekend, she'd get like when we were young, younger, she'd get one of those, you know, those like buckets.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Of coleslaw.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Say on a Friday or Saturday she did the big shop and by the Tuesday, Wednesday it was gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How many of you in the house?

[James Acaster]

Well, I don't have it in the house now. I'd have it as a side for a sandwich, but like I only get the little tubs. Yeah, yeah, right. Like you find me in dead face down to see a coleslaw. I can't be trusted with the stuff. I love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this coming on the side or is it going to be on the boat somehow as well?

[James Acaster]

Well, well, well, that's a presentation issue, I guess.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But do you want it on the boat?

[James Acaster]

Well, you could maybe attach it. There could be some dinghies, some little dinghies of coal store dinghy that will have cold Store in them roped to the main vessel.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

[Joanne McNally]

Does that mean the ship is sinking and they're having to escape?

[James Acaster]

No, no, no, no. Why would the ship be sinking?

[Joanne McNally]

Well, I don't think the lifeboat's ever deployed.

[Ed Gamble]

If it's not, it's not a lifeboat necessarily.

[Joanne McNally]

I thought you said lifeboat.

[James Acaster]

I said why said dinghy.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, so this is people just knocking about.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, just like for presentations. There's the main waffle ship.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's the main event. And then the sides float down after. Oh, you know, we'll put them in. Do you know those circular water rubber rings? Yeah. Put them in a little.

[Joanne McNally]

But then they got to go through there. There's no bottom to those. The cold stores is gonna cut the.

[Ed Gamble]

Pieces straight through into the butter in.

[Joanne McNally]

The butter river, you know.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what we do to keep with the aqua theme?

[Ed Gamble]

I thought it was venga boys.

[Joanne McNally]

Famously ed aqua sand. The venga bus is coming as a tribute.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what would be fun? Just fun now. Yeah, it's if you for to keeping with the aqua theme? The pool noodles. I've always.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Hollow them out and put the pearl start in there and then you to blow it out into your blade.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Revolted.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Awful.

[James Acaster]

I can't even only cracked at this stage. Yeah, that'd be fun. We'll just blow the coast out via the pool noodle onto the plate. I don't notice it. I'm out smoking. I'm smoking somewhere in the corner.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So you're going. You're stepping away from the table to smoke.

[James Acaster]

I wouldn't smoke at the table. I'm not a complete monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Appreciate it.

[James Acaster]

I'd just be watching it all, Ralph.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

From the table now.

[Joanne McNally]

Out of a straw onto her plate.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll be over in a bit, mum. Just finishing my sig. Blow me out a coleslaw from that pool. Noodle. Noodle.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay. Joanne. Splat everywhere. Finger bus blaring out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, yeah. What's wrong with that sentence?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, nothing. It's just. Never heard it before.

[Joanne McNally]

I think it'd be great.

[James Acaster]

I'm having a ball.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It's a fun night.

[James Acaster]

It's a fun night.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

[Joanne McNally]

Undeniably fun. We're all having a nice evening. Benito's watching outside in the rain Face pressed against the glass can't come in.

[Ed Gamble]

Chopsticks to eat the Noodles.

[James Acaster]

No, I'm not that talented. No, it'd have to be.

[Joanne McNally]

You must have known the answer to that before you said it.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think I did. You're thinking hands.

[James Acaster]

I'm thinking hands. I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, quite Buddhist.

[Ed Gamble]

Very Buddhist.

[James Acaster]

Sounds terrible.

[Joanne McNally]

That's what I think of when I think of you. I think it's a very Buddhist.

[James Acaster]

I actually can't. I can use. I can use chopsticks if, like, in an emergency, like, if there's nothing else. But I don't find it the easiest. No. We'd all have a ladle each.

[Joanne McNally]

Yep. That's normal, isn't it, to ladle noodles into your ladles?

[James Acaster]

Normal. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, ladles normal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, ladle's normal.

[Joanne McNally]

And it kind of depends what you're using it for.

[James Acaster]

Flash.

[Joanne McNally]

Are we using the ladles to eat? Like, are we going ladle to mouth? Are we ladling the noodles onto the plate?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay. So I'd say ladling noodles into your mouth isn't normal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

So it doesn't mean you can't do it for your dream meal.

[James Acaster]

Exactly. I'd like the sense of camaraderie.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Camaraderie that we're all just. Just getting stuck in.

[Ed Gamble]

And you can ladle butter out on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And no one's worried about germs or anything like that. We're just at one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I think if you're eating noodles out of a waffle boat, you're probably not concerned.

[James Acaster]

Especially straight to the mate.

[Joanne McNally]

Out of a butter river that ran out of the kitchen and onto the table.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I mean.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And we're just really connected.

[Ed Gamble]

Blowing coleslaw out of a pool. Noodle doesn't feel covered. Safe.

[Joanne McNally]

No. None of it. This would not. None of this would be taking place in 20, 21 or.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, no, but it's fine now. It's like we're just all. All. We're just really, like, together. No one cares about that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

And instead of a drink paired with.

[James Acaster]

The side dish or with the coleslaw.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And, like, is it using as a mixer? Like.

[Joanne McNally]

No, I don't. Not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a drink. I just mean that for every course so far, you've had a drink as well.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Joanne McNally]

I don't know if you also want to drink during this course.

[Ed Gamble]

You've obviously got a Negroni going on with the. With the main.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

It's got Ferrero Roches in it, so I know that it's got Haribo frozen hammer bones there. So I don't know if you also want someone with your side. When your side dish comes out, but.

[James Acaster]

And it's the sparkly water gone or is that still.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's still there.

[James Acaster]

That's on top.

[Joanne McNally]

That's always going to be there.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what I'll have at this point in the evening?

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because I'm probably a bit lethargic with the food. So I'd have maybe a little round of shots.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And we're back in the game now.

[Joanne McNally]

What shots we talking?

[James Acaster]

I'd go. I don't. I'd let people choose. And then I'd order tequilas for everyone. Tequila. And then you. The sense of occasion. You're doing the salt and the.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The.

[James Acaster]

That's fun.

[Joanne McNally]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed James is playing footsy with me.

[Joanne McNally]

I just played footsie with Ed.

[James Acaster]

Tequila. Yeah. That's the tequila kicking in. We're all getting a little gamey now. Everyone's getting a little squidgy. Yeah. I do shots.

[Ed Gamble]

I was about to ask you if there's a particular tequila that you like, but I suspect I know the answer to this.

[James Acaster]

I don't. There's one that comes in a skull, which is really cool.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Have you seen that one?

[Ed Gamble]

No. I know the Volker that comes in a skull.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Crystal Head.

[Ed Gamble]

Crystal Head, that's the one. But there might be a tequila as well.

[Joanne McNally]

Do you know who. Who. Whose company that is? Crystal Head.

[James Acaster]

No. Is it. It's not your one. It's not Candle Jack. Doesn't Kendall Jenner have a tequila company? She's a tequila brand.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of people have tequila companies.

[James Acaster]

Huge in America.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I think. Does Clooney have a tea company?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The rocks.

[Ed Gamble]

The Rock's got one.

[Joanne McNally]

Rock's got one. The Breaking Bad Boys got a mezcal company.

[James Acaster]

Kylie Minogue has a wine. Graham Norton has a wine.

[Joanne McNally]

Wine.

[James Acaster]

Gary Barlo has a wine. He sent me a box. I'm not him, obviously, personally, but I got a box of Gary. Gary Barlow's wines the other day. They were lovely.

[Joanne McNally]

Were they?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've heard they're actually pretty good. And people love that Kylie Rose as well.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You need to get on this. This is when the Pinot come on.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Pino and Prosecco.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I know. I drank so much Prosecco during Prosecco Express that I've. I've lost the taste for it now. I find it triggering.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what I mean?

[Joanne McNally]

It's like work.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's like. It's gone. Even the smell of it now and all I'm like, no, no. Yeah, I moved on. I've evolved.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like when you hear music from a playlist that you're doing a show of and you're just like, oh God. Stomach just starts tying up, I find.

[James Acaster]

Oh. Apparently smells and music are like the biggest triggers for memory. So if I smell like, like Tommy girl or anything from the noughties or nineties, like it's like you're straight back drinking and feels with your friends. Like it's so strong the memories that it brings back.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I love how anything you smell takes you back to a time when you were drinking.

[James Acaster]

I just heard that. But like we were all drinking as when we were. Were.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you know what I did once? Oh my God. And I know I sound like a complete piss out. Like I don't drink all the time, but heard that little GR one time, my mom. So we were. When we were younger you'd, you'd make dolly mixtures out of like whatever was in your parents drinks cabinet. You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I thought I did. And then you carried on talking.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It'S the sweets. No, no, no. In Ireland they call it a dolly mixture. So you'd, you'd open the drinks cabinet and like whatever was there, you just like mix like whatever you could get away with. You know what I mean?

[Joanne McNally]

That's a very cute name for something that is.

[James Acaster]

Could kill you.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Atrocious. Yeah, I know. Well, Dolly mixture mixture everything in the cabinet.

[James Acaster]

Anything.

[Joanne McNally]

A shot of each.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you could, whatever you could get away with. So it didn't look like the level had gone down.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, okay.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd have like a bit of absinthe, a bit of creme. Like you'd creme.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever crap that they weren't drinking anyway. Exactly.

[James Acaster]

Some brandy, whatever. And then you'd go out and get absolutely out of your face with your friends.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's called childhood. Anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Childhood, James. It's called childhood.

[Joanne McNally]

Look it up.

[James Acaster]

It's called memories.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, well, no, it's not.

[James Acaster]

It's called blackout. Teenage blackouts. So the. My mom was out and I, I was in a rush and there was no, I had to like you take the D mixture. When the opportunity presents itself, you take the dog mixer. You might even be going out for three days. But you take it and you store it. And I'd know plastic bottle, I'd know drinks bottle to store. I know vehicle for it. And my mom had just come back from Lords and she brought back this huge. Oh, yeah, I know. Isn't so bad. This huge Holy Mary Virgin statue full of holy water that she bought like in Lords and like got blessed with it and on she'd flown it back and I didn't. I toss out the holy water and fill the whole thing up with Dolly McCann. Yeah. Dragged it out of the weekend and they didn't. The pink.

[Joanne McNally]

It's quite appropriate. We're sat in a circle for this story.

[James Acaster]

The crown was the lid, the little blue crown.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that. You were like, I've got to get the level's perfect on all the booze. So my mum doesn't realize any of it's gone. But you're happy to completely pour away all the holy water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Well, she'll open that down the line, it'll be empty. Miracle.

[James Acaster]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Jesus thinks of fucking brandy.

[James Acaster]

Jesus.

[Joanne McNally]

Every booze I've ever had.

[James Acaster]

Jesus drinking vodka now. But then the Mary thing, she turned up in one of the girls back gardens because we were drinking down like in the local estate.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And she faced down in the mud, she was like, oh my God, you're not going to believe us. Yeah. So she actually came back like a little boomerang. But my mom didn't notice for ages that she was gone.

[Joanne McNally]

Did you get it back?

[Ed Gamble]

So you didn't take it back? You didn't drink it and then take the Mary back? Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

So is that what you're having for this course? Dolly mixture. I'm lost.

[James Acaster]

No. Where did that come from? Oh, tequila shots.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So we're having tequila shots.

[James Acaster]

We're having tequila shots. You guys are getting a little quiet. I can feel her fading a bit. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, come on, get the shot. Get the shots in. Brace the rudders. Race the sails. Race the sails.

[Joanne McNally]

Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching, Over.

[James Acaster]

Roger. Wait, is that an enterprise sales solution?

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Joanne McNally]

Your dream drink. This is now your dream drink number one.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, so so far we've had two. Two large glasses of pinot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, two. Okay, two large pinots.

[Joanne McNally]

You've had a Negroni with.

[Ed Gamble]

A Negroni with frozen Haribo and a Ferrero Rocher.

[Joanne McNally]

And a tequila shot.

[Ed Gamble]

We've had a tequila shot. So what's. What's your dream drink now? How. How are you Opinion. Opinion wise? Like, because you're opinionated with the pe. With the gre.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you've calmed yourself down with the.

[James Acaster]

It might be time. It might be. I was going to say it might be time to have a little Robinson's, but it's not it. We're out now. I was going to try and have something like a green tea just to save face.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But I'm not going to.

[Joanne McNally]

But then that would go down on record as your dream, dream drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, no, no, that's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

No one would believe that.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it back on the grid?

[James Acaster]

I mean, my degree is my dream. It is my dream drink.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But if I've had two huge ones at this stage, do you know what it just for? Can I give two answers?

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. Yes.

[James Acaster]

Technically, Pinot Grigio is my favorite drink.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I also like a gin and slim. But if I. If there was a gun to my head, it would be peanut. And if there was no gun to my head, it would still be Pinot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But what I think at this stage in the evening, I could do with something to kind of up my game a little bit. And I do enjoy an espresso martini.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the point of the evening for an espresso martini.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You know, we've let you pair each course of a drink. I think the same should go for the drinks course.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

So you've got your espresso martini, but we'll also pair that with a Pinot Grigio.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I wasn't sure I was allowed to that, but that sounds gorgeous.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I need. If I'm there. But at this point, I need an espresso Martini because this has been. Been carbo.

[James Acaster]

Oh, big time.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm faced.

[James Acaster]

I might smoke and call on the dealer.

[Joanne McNally]

I'm like, these covered us all in mayonnaise.

[Ed Gamble]

I've accidentally sucked in on my pool noodle. I'm choking to death on coleslaw.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We need smelling salts. That's what we need.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

To shake up yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

So, yeah. Espresso martini?

[James Acaster]

I think so. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Ed had espresso martinis at his wedding.

[Ed Gamble]

I did.

[Joanne McNally]

Handed them out.

[James Acaster]

They're lovely. But you can only. There's only so many you can have. I find, like. Do you not find that you. That you can kind of. Did you have seven or eight?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I think I had three. I think three is probably my top. Top limit. But that was. They came out at like 10 o' clock at the wedding, which is a perfect time to come out.

[Joanne McNally]

We arrive at your dream dessert.

[James Acaster]

Well, well, well. So I thought maybe again, adding to just like, I like presentation, sense of occasion that I would have. And we're. We're. We've gone loud and colorful.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So I would love of. Because there's no budget here. I can do. I can.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no budget.

[James Acaster]

There's no budget.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

What put that out your mind? There's no budget.

[James Acaster]

There's no budget here, which is great.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no. Well, there's no budget. But you've already insisted your mum make the. The potato boat.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Because I was worried.

[Ed Gamble]

There's no budget.

[Joanne McNally]

A lot of labor from your mum has gone into this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Didn't necessarily need to.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And a lot of Styrofoam the cow Slow NATO. I think. Think I would. I was thinking about like a dessert trolley and then I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Why settle for a trolley? And I would love the dessert. I would love to choose from a selection of desserts. And I'd love Tom Hardy, but how much is he?

[Joanne McNally]

Huh?

[Ed Gamble]

There's no budget.

[Joanne McNally]

How much? No budget.

[James Acaster]

I'm sure he does corporates. I'm sure he does corporates.

[Joanne McNally]

I don't think Tom Hardy does corporate.

[James Acaster]

I think he does corporates.

[Joanne McNally]

I don't think he's the type who does Corpus. I don't.

[James Acaster]

Okay. One of the lads from Magic Mike.

[Ed Gamble]

But you. Hang on. Why don't you just have Tom Hardy?

[Joanne McNally]

You can have whoever you want. Doesn't matter if they do. Doesn't matter if they do corporates or not.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, I have Tom Hard.

[Joanne McNally]

Tom Hardy.

[James Acaster]

I want Tom Hardy cycling out. You know those tuk tuks in London with all the fur on them and stuff?

[Ed Gamble]

Really loud music.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Tina Turner. I want one of them coming out. And then Tom is driving us and maybe there's like a side car full of desserts.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. So is it he. Because you went in the Magic Mike direction. Is he topless?

[James Acaster]

He's topless.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I wasn't Gonna say that.

[Joanne McNally]

But yeah, jeans on. Like.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

He's not in like pants.

[James Acaster]

No, he's in jeans.

[Joanne McNally]

He's in jeans. But like, he's topless.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So he also. And he will be. He will have no top on. But that's with his full consent.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

The way he said that maybe lo. Yeah, yes, he will have no top on.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. You said it like it was a hugely professional thing that they were talking about. Like a very me. But the whole thing was professional.

[James Acaster]

You will have. You will be topless and maybe for fun.

[Joanne McNally]

This isn't fun yet. Tom Hardy topless. Tod tuk tuk around.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. With a sidecar of desserts. For some reason. It's a tuk tuk even. There's no one sitting in the back.

[Joanne McNally]

We need to make this more fun.

[Ed Gamble]

How are we going to jazz this up?

[Joanne McNally]

Very po faced.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry.

[Joanne McNally]

J.

[Ed Gamble]

Please.

[James Acaster]

Maybe something. Maybe something waterproof. And then he swims back up the butter river when he's leaving.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So he drops off the desserts and.

[James Acaster]

Then he takes us through the options.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Oh, so you don't mind it when Tom Hardy does it.

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, yeah. Suddenly.

[James Acaster]

And like they're only macaroons and all. He's not gonna, you know, he's not gonna bang on about it for two days. It's a quick description.

[Ed Gamble]

So. Yeah, take us through what's in the side.

[James Acaster]

So there'd be macaroons. Yeah, yeah. Think very much like hen party desserts.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I'd let me some French fans fancies. Some gelato.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

With some choice, like choices of different types of gelato. I like. I like choice. Yeah. Oh, I love a profiterelle.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And some chocolate biscuit cake.

[Joanne McNally]

Chocolate biscuit cake. I don't think I've had chocolate biscuit cake. Obviously. Sounds brilliant.

[James Acaster]

It's really good.

[Joanne McNally]

Well, yeah. I mean, is it a cake or is it a biscuit?

[James Acaster]

It's a biscuit, I believe. For tax reasons. Wasn't there that huge debate? Wasn't a Jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit? And what was it in the end?

[Joanne McNally]

Cake.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. No, this is very much. This is hardcore biscuit.

[Joanne McNally]

Right.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I used to make them in school and then sell them in the locker room.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it like the crushed up biscuits with chocolate poured and you just put it in the fridge. Right.

[James Acaster]

And you can add marshmallows if you want.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that stuff.

[James Acaster]

They're so good.

[Joanne McNally]

Also, you get biscuits, you crush them up.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You glue them back together with melted chocolate.

[James Acaster]

Throw in a couple of Marshmallows.

[Joanne McNally]

And then you send them at school after you've had them in the fridge overnight.

[James Acaster]

Freeze. Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Or the freezer.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff. You can do like bits of Mars bars.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Really good. So then that's. So then you have a choice of selection and again there's like a bit of chat and it's a bit of a. There's camaraderie in choosing it. We can discuss it. No, I think it'd be really good fun.

[Ed Gamble]

How long is Tom Hardy hanging around before he swims back up the Butter River?

[James Acaster]

Depends on his fees really.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean there's no fees again, there's no.

[Joanne McNally]

Cannot emphasize this enough. No one is paying for this.

[James Acaster]

Depending a fantasy.

[Ed Gamble]

James is a genie. James is a genie in this.

[Joanne McNally]

A genie. I can make any of it happen for you.

[James Acaster]

I don't want him to stay longer than he feels like he wants to. But I'm not going to ask him to leave.

[Joanne McNally]

It's hard though to magic on him that he wants to, but he can leave when he likes because essentially if we didn't make it that he wants to. He's not showing up to this. There's no way Tom Hardy's taking this gig of his own free will. So we have to. I have to use. I have to use my what?

[Ed Gamble]

James, what are you on about?

[James Acaster]

You haven't shown him the menu yet. Yeah, he doesn't know anything about.

[Joanne McNally]

He's not going to eat it. He's. He's. He's here as a worker. Yeah, he's work. He's an employee.

[James Acaster]

She so classes you.

[Joanne McNally]

Well, you said the guests were eat. It was asked to. And your mom, they're the only people that you said were going to be there eating.

[Ed Gamble]

If I had to have my top off. I don't want to eat that many carbs. No, he's not touching that.

[Joanne McNally]

He's not touching it.

[James Acaster]

You have. There's a stage about to pop up now to you about to get on it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's the problem. We've. We've got realize that Joanne now has ultimate control and we are there.

[James Acaster]

I just make a strip and I'd throw kinder. Buenos. Actually it'd be great crack.

[Ed Gamble]

Happy to.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Why not?

[Joanne McNally]

I think that'd actually be good for my self esteem.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Little kinder eggs.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I can get in chocolate. Throw down me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

A great time.

[James Acaster]

So Tom's there, he's taking us through the desserts. We're picking A little bit.

[Joanne McNally]

Is he doing a lap? Are you getting in the tuk tuk and he does a little lap around the room?

[James Acaster]

No, the vent. I hadn't thought about that. Actually. It's a great idea. It's a really good idea idea.

[Joanne McNally]

Cuz otherwise why is there a side car desserts? They should just be in the main cabbage of the tuk tuk. But like if, if the main cabbage is just completely empty.

[James Acaster]

But no, because when you. When the tuk tuk. When the tuk tuks drive past you in their dayto day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Before they turn into dessert cards at night, you don't see what's in the back. It's kind of hidden. Whereas I would like the more kind of the presentation of maybe he drives out and there's a. The big kind of the. The front of the. I know, sorry. Take it all back.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Tom Hardy penny farthing bike. So he's very tall as he arrives out and he's pushing on the front a kind of a stage.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Of desserts.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay. So I'm guessing he's like. When I picture him on a penny farvin bike, I'm imagining him as Bronson in the film Bronson.

[Ed Gamble]

Or in Peaky Blinders.

[Joanne McNally]

Or in Peaky Blinders.

[James Acaster]

I know that reference.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So sort of looking old, oldy worldy Victorian.

[James Acaster]

Sort of one of those little old man baseball cups. He's got no topper and he's toppers. But that's his choice. I was like, tom, do what you want to do.

[Joanne McNally]

None of this is your. It's his choice.

[Ed Gamble]

You.

[Joanne McNally]

It is all coming from you.

[James Acaster]

No, I think that that's what Tom wants.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

He just doesn't know yet that that's what he wants. Oh yeah, he doesn't know yet.

[Ed Gamble]

Is he getting off the penny farthing to show you the desserts or is he just staying up there and shouting down. What?

[James Acaster]

No, no, he's coming down. He's hanging out like. Yeah, yeah. There's no point having Tom there and paying those fees if you're not going to.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Have them engaged. There's no fees in some way.

[Joanne McNally]

Literally we're not paying pain him like no one needs to pay.

[Ed Gamble]

And then he swims down the butter river once he's all done.

[James Acaster]

I just think it's. If he, if he wants to make an exit, I think no harm, it seems. Well, he can't take that. He can't cycle the thing. He has to leave the penny farthing deserve desserts.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

So that we can Keep going if we so wish. We will, we will, we will, we will wish. And then I just think it would be a nice kind of finale to the evening if Tom Hardy is doing some sort of little brass stroke back up the Butter river and we're, well, waving.

[Joanne McNally]

We wave at him.

[James Acaster]

I believe so.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Wave him. Wave him along.

[James Acaster]

I do. I believe so. And then the Vanger boss music kind of slowly starts building again.

[Ed Gamble]

So he swims out to the Vanger.

[Joanne McNally]

Boys, but starts building slowly so he starts swimming and as he's swimming.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, or maybe it's something more epic. Maybe it's something from.

[Joanne McNally]

It gets louder and louder.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I like that vibe. Yeah. And then there's confidence. Natty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

You know, one of the Venga Boys has had loads of problems with dolphins. I got told that when I was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

[James Acaster]

What you mean what?

[Joanne McNally]

That like one of them, like has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in his life. What to the point where it's a. It's an issue.

[James Acaster]

How is it? Well, if truly one dolphin attack is enough to step away from.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. The sea.

[Joanne McNally]

You would think so.

[Ed Gamble]

But they're very.

[James Acaster]

There was. The whales were kind of.

[Joanne McNally]

See, let me see.

[Ed Gamble]

Why are you recycling stuff you did on Never Mind the Buzz?

[Joanne McNally]

I didn't do it. I got told it. Greg Davis told it to me.

[James Acaster]

You know, he has a seat.

[Joanne McNally]

I assume a researcher told. Told Greg.

[Ed Gamble]

That's where I heard about the See Through Toaster.

[James Acaster]

Greg Davis's See Through Toaster.

[Ed Gamble]

There you go.

[Joanne McNally]

There you go.

[James Acaster]

That's a flex.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a big flex.

[Joanne McNally]

Benga Boy star assaulted by dolphin while filming water scene for music video so one assault. Well, Robin Pause shared a bizarre behind the scene moments. He's assaulted by a horny dolphin. Dolphin. That's what it says here in the news. In the news. The dolphin. Yes, that's my story. Yes, I had an encounter with a dolphin. That says.

[James Acaster]

That would be Tom Hardy writing about me.

[Joanne McNally]

There are some inappropriate things that have happened. Robin, while shooting a music video on a tropical island in the Caribbean was sexually assaulted by a dolphin. Very horny dolphins. This is what it says. I'm just reading it verbatim.

[Ed Gamble]

I've heard this about dolphins before, that they are very horny and very persistent with tourists.

[James Acaster]

But how would you know? How can you tell the difference between like a dolphin coming on to you and a dolphin kind of starting on you physically?

[Ed Gamble]

Like the dick?

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, I guess the massive dick.

[James Acaster]

Like, is that a thing? Do they get erections.

[Ed Gamble]

They get boners. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do they?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

And they start. It affects their swimming. Like a rudder.

[James Acaster]

Shut up. That cannot be true.

[Joanne McNally]

They start going the wrong direction. They can't help it, Backwards and all.

[James Acaster]

It's amazing.

[Joanne McNally]

Amazing. I'll read your menu to you now, see how you feel about it.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Joanne McNally]

You would like sparkling water.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Joanne McNally]

You want loads of crisps before the meal. Tatoes, banshee bones, wheelies, Pringles, Hot lips, hunky dories and a huge Pinot Grigio with all those crisps.

[Ed Gamble]

Ice cold.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, ice cold Club sandwich with no bacon. A Clue sandwich with another Pinot Grigio. Ice cold. For your stuff, main course, you want a waffle potato waffle boat full of two minute noodles floating in a river of butter with a goujon anchor and a Pringle sail. And you would like to pair that with a Negroni with some frozen hammerbone Ferrero Rocher in it. Delish side dish, coleslaw which you will be blowing onto your plate using pool noodles. And you'll get even amount of tequila shots. Drink, you would like an espresso martini. You're gonna pair that with another Pinot Grigio. Ice cold Dessert is Tom Hart topless on a penny farthing with a sidecar of desserts, including macaroons, French fancies, gelato, you like, choice you want. Those are different options there. Profiteroles and chocolate biscuit cake. And then he swims away up the river.

[James Acaster]

Sorry. No, but is that not a banging night out?

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it'd be a good night out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Come on.

[Joanne McNally]

A good night out. Definitely a memorable night out. I'd enjoy that.

[James Acaster]

I mean, you couldn't with your diabetes.

[Ed Gamble]

I could give it a go.

[James Acaster]

Would you?

[Ed Gamble]

I could give it a go.

[Joanne McNally]

I could do it.

[Ed Gamble]

And saying it would be a lot of admin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

People with diabetes could eat whatever they like.

[Ed Gamble]

Thanks.

[James Acaster]

You know my mother. Well, you don't know, but so for my mother's there. My mother was the head of the diabetic unit in hospital in Dublin.

[Ed Gamble]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, she's a diabetic nurse.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there you go.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, she's always tested. Exactly.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Did you see the footage racing of the rat given the other rat, cpr. Did you see this? It was going around the entire. Understand? Swear to God. In a lab.

[Joanne McNally]

It wasn't.

[James Acaster]

I swear to God.

[Joanne McNally]

It wasn't. It wasn't. Resuscitate.

[James Acaster]

He pulled your man's tongue out of his mouth. Look, I'll show you.

[Joanne McNally]

A rat given Another rat, cpr. He pulled the tongue out of its mouth and gave his mouth. It's come up. It's come up from ait Was Google Bonito. Well, I'm pretty sure he's googling rat resuscitates rat. See, he has googled it and it has come up with a scene from Dr. Doittle. Are you sure you haven't seen a scene from Dr. Do and you think it is a real. Is a real thing.

[James Acaster]

Resuscitates rat.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you seen that video of the rat who can control the chef?

[Joanne McNally]

That's crazy.

[James Acaster]

I'm going to get this. I'm going to get this.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah, he.

[James Acaster]

And he pulls his tongue out of his mouth and all.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Pulls to, to, to unblock his airway. I'm telling you. Oh, you're going to be chest compression.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll be very happy to say I.

[James Acaster]

Read it on Science Weekly.

[Joanne McNally]

Science.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't just make up a news.

[Joanne McNally]

But where is it then? Where's this video?

[James Acaster]

Hold on a second. I got it.

[Ed Gamble]

Benita's found it.

[Joanne McNally]

I think Joann's taking a while to find this video because she got two.

[James Acaster]

Phones for some reason, so empathy.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, he's got, he's got it there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, look. There you go.

[Ed Gamble]

He's trying to kill him.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. Well, for a start, yeah, that's a mouse. But it doesn't look like he is resuscitating it. That is just that bit. I know.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe they are rats because they've just gone with mouse to mouse resuscitation, which you can't ignore that.

[James Acaster]

But I mean, the animal isn't important. The point is that they are.

[Joanne McNally]

I'm not sure that's trying to resuscitate it. I think we're putting.

[James Acaster]

I believe it is.

[Joanne McNally]

I think he's eating, eating his tongue.

[James Acaster]

The scientist who made the meme.

[Joanne McNally]

Is highly respected.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He says, yeah, he's resuscitating them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I choose to believe in science, James.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true, actually. Why wouldn't you be? Believe the research, James.

[James Acaster]

You know what I mean? Do the work.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I think only if he did save his life, which obviously doesn't happen in the video, can you say it was trying to resuscitate it. Otherwise I think it's eating its tongue.

[James Acaster]

Well, there was something going on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's a better lead in. Have you seen that video with two rats where something's going on?

[Joanne McNally]

Can we all agree something's going on here?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, yes, we can.

[James Acaster]

He pulls his tongue out to unblock his airways.

[Joanne McNally]

It's crazy, but is it to unblock its airways or is it. I'm going to get this tongue. I can't wait to eat it. Pull that out the. The mouth and then it just gets stuck in, gnawing the tongue off.

[James Acaster]

If you can't trust the Daily Mail, who can you trust?

[Ed Gamble]

So true, you know, so true. And on that note, thank you so much, Joanne, for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you, Joanne. What an episode, James. I feel pissed talking about booze that much.

[Joanne McNally]

I feel absolutely hammered, man. I'm going to be hung over tomorrow. Thanks. That. That ch.

[Ed Gamble]

Joanne was absolutely great. Thank you so much to her for coming on. And of course, she did not say.

[Joanne McNally]

Puccin, the only alcohol that wasn't mentioned in the podcast. I was ready. I thought. Here we go. Oh, Bonito just received an email for the Tom Hardy film Havoc.

[Ed Gamble]

There we go.

[Joanne McNally]

Netflix have let him know that it's on. I mean, that's free. Free advertising there for Netflix.

[Ed Gamble]

His film Havoc is about when he got hired to ride on a penny farthing with a dessert trolley into Joanne's restaurant.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah. I mean, I would watch that film.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So would I. Do go and see Joanne on tour. She is on tour now. The show is called Pedophile and we know that she is that.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. And it's gonna be a hilarious show. Get yourself along to it. It's gonna sell out pretty quickly, I'd say.

[Ed Gamble]

Believe so. Thanks for a lovely series. Of course, that was the last one in the series, James.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes. Thank you for. If you've listened to all the episodes. Thank you. If you haven't, I know that you're gonna go back and listen to them all.

[Ed Gamble]

You've gotta. You gotta. You gotta catch them all, man. Man. We've had some crazy guests on this series. Of course. Goldblum, De Niro.

[Joanne McNally]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Who would have thought we'd be, like, going, oh, do you remember when we had Jeff Goldblum and Robert De Niro when only, you know, series or so ago, we had, like, Huge Davis.

[Joanne McNally]

You're gonna have to remind me who that is. Not familiar with that name.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't really describe him.

[Joanne McNally]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

He's so grumpy. Sort of.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not humor as such.

[Joanne McNally]

Okay, I'll get it. I get. Get it.

[Ed Gamble]

Hi, Huge.

[Joanne McNally]

Hello, Huge.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you going to put us in your little Instagram story now?

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Well, you're sat on a train looking sad, and this is playing. Yeah, yeah. Pretending you're upset, but you're getting loads of views out of this, aren't you?

[Joanne McNally]

Oh, I hope you love the views. Huge. I hope you delight in them. And this is cyber bullying, baby.

[Ed Gamble]

Goodbye.

[Joanne McNally]

Goodbye.

[Unknown]

Now at Verizon, we have some big news for your peace of mind for all our customers, existing and new. We're locking in low prices for three years guarantee guaranteed on MyPlan and my home. That's future you peace of mind. And everyone can save on a brand new phone on MyPlan. When you trade in any phone from one of our top brands, that's new phone peace of mind. Because at Verizon, whether you're already a customer or you're just joining us, we got you. Visit Verizon today. Price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

[Ed Gamble]

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New McCrispy strips now at McDonald's.

[Paige DeSorbo]

Hey, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Real talk. If there's one store that I absolutely love walking around, it's Sephora. It's my total guilty pleasure. They have amazing brands that other people don't have and I find something great every time I walk in and there's literally one down the street from me, so I do that a lot. It's so fun to shop in the store and online and the products are just too good. No regrets ever. For example, one of my favorite beauty brands is makeup by Mario, who just launched his new lip gloss that I absolutely love. So the next time you're in the market for great beauty, shop all the hottest products and brands only at Sephora.

[Joanne McNally]

Hello there, off menu listeners.

[James Acaster]

It's me, Amy Gledhill, and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash. And I'll be taking no questions.

[Joanne McNally]

And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non Broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you're in the studio audience at.

[James Acaster]

The time, who can forget?

[Joanne McNally]

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

[James Acaster]

No, nor the news. Our podcast is coming back for series four.

[Joanne McNally]

And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast.

[James Acaster]

No way. We're two northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat.

[Joanne McNally]

Pure evil. Black blackbird named Derek, terrorizing Yorkshire Village and attacking children.

[James Acaster]

And we're joined by special correspondence every week. Like you one and only Ed Gamble, who you might have heard of.

[Joanne McNally]

You remember him from this pod? The one you're listening to now? Yeah, he hosts it. Yeah, co host.

[James Acaster]

He was on my episode of Off Menu.

[Joanne McNally]

Was he?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joanne McNally]

I think he was in the non Broadcast Channel 4 pilot I did as well.

[James Acaster]

Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.