Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Episode: Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)
Release Date: October 15, 2025
Guest: Jen Brister
Theme: Comedian Jen Brister revisits the Off Menu “Dream Restaurant”—but this time, she’s not choosing her favourites. Instead, she’s forced to eat the infamous menu originally selected by another guest, Joel Dommett. Ed and James revel in her reactions to what many consider the worst menu in Off Menu history.

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Episode Overview

In this special "Tasting Menu" edition, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster invite friend and fellow comic Jen Brister back to the podcast—but with a cruel twist. Instead of ordering her own dream meal, Jen is given the much-maligned menu of Joel Dommett, whose choices have lived in Off Menu infamy for years. The episode’s purpose: to see, somewhat mischievously, how Jen reacts to a meal many listeners loathe.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting Up the Challenge (01:43–05:40)

• Tasting Menu Format: Ed and James explain the special format: a previous guest (Jen) must eat another past guest’s (Joel Dommett) menu.
• Acknowledging Joel’s Reputation: Joel’s menu is introduced as “possibly the worst ever,” still producing strong reactions from listeners years after it aired.
• Jen’s Charity Work: Brief shoutout to Jen’s nonprofit, All Our Relations, supporting families in Gaza (04:16).
• Intentions: The hosts freely admit they're partly doing this “to make Jen angry, because it’s funny,” but with obvious affection.

“We’re just getting a friend on and ruining their day.” – Ed Gamble (04:09)

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2. Catching Up with Jen Brister & Her Changing Tastes (05:44–14:00)

• Maturing Palates: Jen professes her tastes have “done a complete handbrake turn” since her last visit—she might even pick a sweet dessert these days.
• Cheese Board Flashbacks: They revisit the drama from Jen’s first appearance, where her choice of a cheese board as dessert infuriated James.
• Tour Promotion: Jen discusses excitement and nerves about her upcoming tour "Reactive" and performing at London’s Apollo (07:43).
• Comedic Banter: The trio reminisce about shared early stand-up years, including a gold lamé onesie incident at Edinburgh Fringe (08:54), keeping the tone playful and teasing.

“You may have put me into the cheese zone. And... this could go anywhere today.” – Jen Brister (07:18)

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3. Revealing the Menu – Jen’s Spiralling Disbelief (14:00–24:00+)

Sparkling Water

• Jen is delighted to start with sparkling water—a brief glimmer of hope that the menu won’t be too bad.

Naan Bread

• The starter bread is naan; Jen approves, preferring garlic naan. The hosts detour into a detailed naan ranking conversation, from garlic to peshwari to keema to cheese variations (20:10).
• Discussion includes the common “naan bread” vs. “naan” faux pas.

Nachos (with Chicken)

• The uproar begins! Joel’s starter: nachos with chicken, ordered because “you never know how big they’re going to be.”
• Jen’s review is scathing: “Nachos are an abomination. They are abhorrent. I would never order nachos if it was the last thing on the menu.” (24:25)
• She calls this a “meal for children” and rants against the lack of proper toppings, overabundance of dry chips, and the horror of communal double dipping.

“I am 50 years of age! Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top? I am an adult. Joel, you made a terrible decision... shame on you.” – Jen Brister (24:52)

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4. Main Course: School Canteen Horror (31:03–39:00)

• Chips, Beans, Sausage, & Cheese:
  Joel’s main is pure nostalgia—school canteen fare, heavy on the stodge and low on culinary ambition.
• Jen is appalled: “Chips, cheese, sausage, and beans... what the fuck is wrong with Joel?”
• She recalls her Spanish mother’s home cooking and cannot fathom why sausage (especially the mysterious “white” sausage of school days) would appear on a dream menu.
• Mockery ensues about school lunch innovations, “the rib,” and processed microwave meals.

“I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school. No way... Even as a kid, you're going, I don't trust those sausages.” – Jen Brister (33:13)

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5. Side Dish: Sweet Potato Fries Controversy (39:09–43:00)

• Jen is offered sweet potato fries as a side, alongside regular chips from the main. To her, it’s a culinary non-starter: “I don’t like sweet potato fries... I don't like sweet potato.”
• The hosts reveal Joel’s stated intention: to debunk the idea that sweet potato fries are any healthier than normal ones. Jen roasts the absurdity.

"The accompaniment to chips, cheese, sausage and beans is chips." – Jen Brister (39:23)

• The conversation devolves into an extended penis straw riff after Ed explains he still has 48 left over from a lockdown hen party (41:03), adding a surreal edge to the menu tastings.

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6. Dream Drink: The Infamous Protein Shake (43:44–46:50)

• Strawberry Protein Shake:
  Joel’s drink selection is a “strawberry protein shake.” The group is incredulous. Jen: “That’s like the worst flavor. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake... or strawberry jam. Strawberries—the worst flavor.”
• The hosts and Jen agree it’s more suitable for post-workout, not enjoying alongside a meal.
• Ed: “Not my dream drink.” Jen: “That’ll fill me up... but I’ll feel sad afterwards.”
• The penis straw returns as a potential vessel for the protein shake (“That makes it much better,” Jen quips [46:14]).

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7. Dessert: Strawberry and White Chocolate Cheesecake Disaster (47:57–53:04)

• Dessert: Strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.
• Jen protests: “I said how I feel about strawberry. And I don’t like white chocolate. White chocolate isn’t chocolate. I don’t know what it is. And I don’t particularly like cheesecake... you have given me possibly the worst pudding.” (48:22)
• The hosts detail the aftermath from when Joel ate this dessert after I’m a Celebrity—he vomited from dairy overload but “enjoyed it on the way back up.”
• Jen is aghast: “I really need to go out for a drink with Joel’s wife... maybe she needs to decompress.” (53:01)

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8. Reflections, Merchandise, and Bonus Banter (53:43–end)

• Jen imagines her menu for Joel: “Extra blue cheese on there for you.”
• The group jokes about Jen’s new catchphrase “Not this Lesbian” (54:15), considering tour names and T-shirt merchandising.
• End-of-episode reflections on reality TV (which competition show would you do?), the safety of social media, and life after bad menus.
• Jen, asked what she’d actually get after such a meal, says: “Kebab. I’ll go have a lamb sheesh. No chips. Extra salad, loads of chili sauce.” (61:15)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

Jen’s Menu Verdicts:

• “[Nachos] are an abomination. I would never order nachos if it was the last thing on the menu." – Jen Brister (24:25)
• "Chips, cheese, sausage, and beans... what the fuck is wrong with Joel?" – Jen Brister (31:10)
• "[Sweet potato fries] I don't like... I don't like sweet potato." – Jen Brister (39:17)
• “Strawberries—the worst flavor.” – Jen Brister (44:11)
• "You have given me possibly the worst pudding." – Jen Brister (48:22)

On Joel’s Reputation:

• “He gets abuse shouted at him for it... Still gets abuse about this.” – Ed Gamble (34:31–34:38)
• “Netflix tweeted about it. Netflix HQ!” – James Acaster (49:53)

Host Reflections:

• “We’ve done it a couple times... because we find them funny when they’re angry.” – Ed Gamble (64:24)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• Setting up the episode / Jen’s charity work: 01:43–05:11
• Menu reveal and explanations: 14:00–20:00
• Nachos outrage: 23:39–26:53
• Chips, beans, sausage & cheese: 31:03–35:48
• Sweet potato fries reaction: 39:09–41:01
• Protein shake shock: 43:44–46:50
• Cheesecake & Joel’s vomiting story: 47:57–53:01
• “Not this Lesbian” catchphrase and reflections: 54:08–55:20
• Jen’s actual post-podcast fantasy meal (“Lamb sheesh, no chips”): 61:15

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Summary for Non-Listeners

This episode of Off Menu is a perfect encapsulation of the show at its mischievous best—it’s heartfelt roast, food-fuelled outrage, and freewheeling banter. Jen Brister is put through culinary purgatory as she’s made to eat Joel Dommett’s universally pilloried dream menu. Her blend of righteous food fury (“Shame on you, Joel!”), self-deprecating humor, and warm friendship with the hosts makes for an episode fans will relish—even as Jen herself despairs at every course.

If you’ve never listened, start here for a masterclass in why food choices matter (and why friends delight in making each other suffer for laughs).

Transcript

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[Ed Gamble]

Oh, it's a tasting menu.

[James Acaster]

I love the tasting menus. Is there anything I'd say at the top?

[Ed Gamble]

I think well, no, because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod. Yeah, it's the off menu podcast, by the way, but it's a tasting menu, which means we have a previous guest on and we give them the menu of another previous guest.

[James Acaster]

It's a really good format.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a really good format. And it's been a hit.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. I think it's been a hit. It's been a hit. And guess who we got.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't need to guess. I don't need to guess. I know who we've got.

[James Acaster]

This week being given an off menu tasting menu is Jen Brester.

[Ed Gamble]

The wonderful Jen Brista. What a fantastic comedian and person she is, James.

[James Acaster]

Such a wonderful comic. Now, when Jen was on this podcast originally, I was very mean to her and shouted at her. She was one of the first people, the earliest people to choose a cheese board. Yeah, I absolutely flew off the handle. I was livid. So this might be more of a redemption episode for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, I think so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I can maybe learn from my past behavior, conduct myself with a bit more dignity and just practice some good manners.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it hasn't happened Yet I don't think in your life.

[James Acaster]

Not yet.

[Ed Gamble]

Where you've learned from previous mistakes and conducted yourself in a. In a sort of human and polite way.

[James Acaster]

Yes. And that's what makes us so excited. I might finally do it. Yeah. And I'd be pretty happy with that. You know, Jen's a good. That's a good opportunity.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

I think Jen would allow me that. I do worry that maybe already not done that. Because the menu that we're gonna give Jen is the menu of Joel Dommet.

[Ed Gamble]

We're giving her Joel Domit's menu.

[James Acaster]

Instantly rude of us.

[Ed Gamble]

The first bad menu we had on the podcast, I think and still is probably up there with the worst ever.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's really. The listeners still haven't let it go.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

It's still not out of his life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And we're about to introduce it into someone else's life. Who I'm pretty sure has no idea.

[Ed Gamble]

About it and does not want it.

[James Acaster]

Jen will not want this.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal. It would have been something if we got back, you know, someone who had had a bad menu and gave them this. They. I mean, that would be interesting to do in the future. In the future, we should probably get someone whose menu was awful, give them another awful menu and they might be like, this is delicious. I love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But this is not gonna be the case today. We're deliberately annoying Jen because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry.

[Ed Gamble]

Jen is very funny when she's angry. So, yeah, I mean, we're just getting a friend on and ruining their day.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Apologies, Jen. Cause Jen is a wonderful person doing wonderful things at the moment. Her non profit, all our relations is fantastic. They put. But also you can go to their website and donate. They're helping families in Gaza, supporting them in crisis, providing them with legal, logistical and emotional support that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity. So you can give monthly, you can donate today, whatever you want to do. Whatever you can give. Obviously, at the minute, the situation in Gaza needs all of us behind it and all of us helping everybody there. I mean, it is, as it says on the website, a crisis.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely. So go to allourrelations.co.uk and you can donate to this brilliant nonprofit which is helmed by the amazing Jen Brister. Having said all of that, we love Jen and we love all the work she's doing both creatively and for charity. But we have got her into the studio to make her angry.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I mean, does it Reflect great on us, really? When you think about it, it doesn't reflect very well on us at all. But, you know, rarely do we come out of this podcast smelling of roses.

[Ed Gamble]

No. Very true. No secret ingredient today, though. So Jen will not be kicked out. She'll just have to live in her anger.

[James Acaster]

Yes, she can thank us for that.

[Ed Gamble]

So let's get on with it. This is the tasting menu of Jen Brista. Welcome back, Jen, to the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Good to see you, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

Wow, guys, after the last time I was here, so much has happened, and my tastes have changed dramatically.

[James Acaster]

Have they?

[Jen Brister]

Yes. So whatever you're gonna offer me, I think you think you know what I'm gonna like, but you don't. Because, honestly, as you get older, your. Your tastes, they really. They can do a complete handbrake turn.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So talk us through it then. Compared to. Because it's been a long time since you've been in the dream restaurant.

[Jen Brister]

It's been a long time. And I feel like last time there was some. Some kind of a hoo. Ha. About dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

Right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You chose a cheese board.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I chose the cheese board, which.

[James Acaster]

Oh, I just remembered that I'd forgotten that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

How could you forget that?

[Ed Gamble]

One of the first people to choose a cheese board?

[James Acaster]

Because a few people have since chosen a cheese board.

[Jen Brister]

Did they get the same reaction that I got when I chose? Okay, good. Fine. Because that was quite extreme.

[Ed Gamble]

The worst was on. We did one on Zoom during lockdown with Dolly Alderton, and James shut his laptop and logged out the Zoom.

[Jen Brister]

Why? What did Dolly choose?

[James Acaster]

Cheese board.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, good for her.

[James Acaster]

That's the treatment she got.

[Jen Brister]

This is exactly why Dolly and I connect. Over cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

Over cheese.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But have your tastes changed?

[Jen Brister]

My tastes may have changed. So I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti pudding.

[James Acaster]

Are you telling me that you would choose a actual dessert now?

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I might.

[James Acaster]

Like, if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheese ball.

[Jen Brister]

I might not.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Jen Brister]

Something to think about.

[Ed Gamble]

You still like cheese, right?

[Jen Brister]

I still love cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But maybe I had an effect on you. I had an influence on you, but, yeah, it was tough love, but it's changed you for the better. Is that what you're saying?

[Jen Brister]

No, I'm just saying that I've matured.

[Ed Gamble]

Like a fine cheddar.

[Jen Brister]

Like a fine chow. Exactly. I'm just saying that I'm not. I'm more complicated than you think I am. I'm a complex Individual. And I think you may have put me into the cheese zone. And I want to say that I want you to know that this could go anywhere today.

[James Acaster]

Well, maybe I should apologize for my previous behavior when you were on the podcast. It was a bit too reactive, looking back.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, okay. I thought it was a genuine apology. It was a link into your tour, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

I loved it.

[James Acaster]

Let's talk about reactivates going. You're hitting the road. You must be excited. I know that you love going on tour.

[Jen Brister]

I do, James, thank you. I am, as we know, a very positive individual that loves being on the road. And that's changed since I've turned 50. No, I'm really looking forward to it. The UK, Ireland in October. So, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Amazing.

[Jen Brister]

Amazing.

[James Acaster]

It's very exciting. And like, is there anything you can reveal about the show yet?

[Jen Brister]

What do you mean?

[James Acaster]

Any subjects? Is it about anything? Is there.

[Ed Gamble]

It's reactive.

[Jen Brister]

It's me reacting to things and we.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it like a YouTube thing where you play clips, viral clips, and then you react to them? Is you reacting to your own viral clips?

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, because you've got viral clips now. When we originally had you on the podcast.

[Jen Brister]

I wasn't viral.

[James Acaster]

You weren't viral. No, you are.

[Ed Gamble]

You were nothing.

[Jen Brister]

I was a nobody. And you guys picked me up off the. Off the curb.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Scraped me off Benito said, should we get Jen Brister on the show? And me and James went, she's nothing.

[James Acaster]

I said, who you are. I didn't know who it was.

[Jen Brister]

Even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years, you still didn't have.

[James Acaster]

A stick in the head.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. 2009.

[Ed Gamble]

2009. We did Edinburgh together.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. You were in a gold lame suit. Never forget.

[Ed Gamble]

It was your gold lame suit.

[Jen Brister]

It was my gold lame suit.

[Ed Gamble]

It was the final night of the Fringe and Jen wore a wonderful gold lame. How would you describe it?

[Jen Brister]

I would call it a onesie.

[Ed Gamble]

Onesie. For her final performance. And when she came off stage, I hadn't planned anything. I said, go and get changed again. And then I'm wearing that.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. And so Ed came out in. Yeah, I mean, it was. It was good. I enjoyed it.

[Ed Gamble]

You could address the elephant in the room. I was a lot fatter.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. There was a lot. To be honest, There was a lot going on. You had to defocus your eyes below the waist.

[Ed Gamble]

But other than that, I looked like a fat Oscar.

[Jen Brister]

You looked gorgeous.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Oh, no. I know. There was a reason I wore it. It's for.

[Jen Brister]

Was for comedy anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Comedy. And for hotness.

[Jen Brister]

For the hotness. But now here I am and despite my celebrity, here I am back on the podcast. A mystery for.

[James Acaster]

I mean, this tour is going to be huge. I already know it's going to be sold out every single night. I don't know why we're bothering promoting it. You're a big deal now, Bristol. It's going to be jam packed.

[Jen Brister]

I hope so. I hope do buy a ticket.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

The.

[Jen Brister]

The. I'm doing London is at the Apollo and so that's a slightly stressful, as I'm sure both of you have done it before, but I haven't. So, yeah, that's a bit of a stress. But, you know, buy a ticket. But also I'm very relaxed about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's been pretty chill about that.

[Jen Brister]

I do, I am.

[James Acaster]

You get a pick on the front, though.

[Jen Brister]

No, I don't. Am I gonna pick on the front row? No, because it's not.

[James Acaster]

I might be scared to sit on the front.

[Jen Brister]

Heckler's welcome. No, heckler's not welcome. Then I'm literally not gonna. You can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone. I've written a show.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I've written actual jokes. Just come and have a laugh at those.

[Ed Gamble]

What if someone's wearing a really funny hat on the front row? Are you going to mention and you're.

[James Acaster]

Like 100 dates in.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know, you've done the material billion times and you look down and there's someone and they're wearing like a big. Like a big. For like a hand, for a hat. Like it's a huge hand on their head.

[Ed Gamble]

What.

[Jen Brister]

Why are they wearing that?

[James Acaster]

Well, you don't know that you're to look.

[Jen Brister]

Okay. Am I going to comment on that? Are you asking me?

[James Acaster]

Well, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, you're. You can't do a show called Reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand.

[James Acaster]

I think that's like with people where they're gladiators. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

So they're blocking the people behind them. Of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you're filming it, you get a viral clip out of that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You get a vibe, you go viral again. You love that.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. I mean, that's. Thanks for the tips, guys. I'll take it. It's all on board now. And I can't wait for the person with the hand hat. In fact, I might actually have. If you see a clip going out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

It isn't the plant as suggested by James Acaster. And Ed Gamble. No, it is actually me reacting to something in the room. You're welcome.

[Ed Gamble]

You're going to be livid if that actually happens. Now someone's got a big hand hat.

[James Acaster]

On your lap, you'll know it's because.

[Jen Brister]

I listen to this bloody podcast. Your fans are completely batshit. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that they do. Oh, let's go for Jen. Pr.

[James Acaster]

Hilarious.

[Jen Brister]

Viral.

[James Acaster]

So the front row with a hand hat on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Then you go into them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Goes viral. Jenbristo.co.uk for tickets.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Jen Brister]

Go get yourself one.

[Ed Gamble]

You'll.

[Jen Brister]

You won't regret it.

[James Acaster]

Now.

[Ed Gamble]

So good at promo, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

I know. It's one of my fortes. Thank God the things went viral otherwise.

[James Acaster]

We've got a tasting menu for you, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I'm excited.

[James Acaster]

As you know, we're gonna basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on. So this is a previous guest that we've had and you're gonna be having their dream meal.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Who are you hoping for? Is there anyone who, you know, you. You know so many guests that have been on this podcast. Is there any that you would go, I hope it's that person. I hope I get their menu.

[Jen Brister]

I was hoping to have Miriam Margulies menu. But you've already given that away straight.

[Ed Gamble]

Away to John Kern's first one. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Cannot believe I didn't get Miriam Margulies. That was. That would have been the perfect. I know I would have loved it. Whatever it was. It would have been right up my alley. So that's who I was hoping for. I didn' get Miriam. So I'm gonna go, Paul Rudd.

[James Acaster]

You'd like Paul Rudd's menu.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, why not?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was a solid menu from the menu.

[James Acaster]

That's a good menu. I think you like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Nothing too controversial. Jen, can I ask a question when you. Because you know that we're picking the menu for you, and as we said before, before we started recording, we said we, you know, sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like or they'll find interesting or that we'll get a reaction out of them for.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu?

[Jen Brister]

Ed?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Jen Brister]

I am pretty much 100% certain that both you and James have picked a menu that you think I am going to hate. Am I correct?

[James Acaster]

Well, we'll see. We're not going to like.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got a taste.

[James Acaster]

We can't Predict you.

[Jen Brister]

James, I absolutely know this is going to be a menu I'm not going to like, but here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

Necessarily, because, well, you've changed. You said you've changed since the first time you're in the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Yes, that's true. We can't predict you.

[Jen Brister]

Okay, well, let's see. What have you got for me? Am I allowed to know whose menu it is, or does it happen at the end?

[James Acaster]

Joel Dommet's menu.

[Jen Brister]

Joel. Okay, so there's gonna be a lot of meat. Meat heavy.

[Ed Gamble]

We'll see.

[James Acaster]

Okay, we'll see, won't we? But you don't seem scared. You seem quite happy about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice guy. Joel's a nice guy.

[Jen Brister]

I love Joel.

[James Acaster]

Joel was one of the earliest episodes, and there was, you know, a lot of reaction online for his menu. So it was a popular. It was popular.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

It was a big. Joel's menu, I'd say, was a big moment in the history of this podcast.

[Jen Brister]

I'm gonna say there's gonna be too much food.

[James Acaster]

Okay, that's interesting, because he's.

[Ed Gamble]

Because he's, like, ripped and.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, because he's gonna. There's gonna be. It's gonna be protein heavy, right? It's gonna be like six roast chickens. It's gonna be a steak. You're gonna be like, some of the steak is raw. And maybe a pint of, like, whole milk. Three pints of Guinness. And Guinness. Yeah, he likes Guinness. And the dessert's gonna be like, vomit making. It's gonna be gross.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then he's predicting, and then he's burning it off in the gym.

[Jen Brister]

Well, I won't be burning it off in the gym. That's the problem. But yes. And then he'll be like, you know, pressing, pulling, punching, pressing, pulling and punching. Yeah, that's what he does.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Classic. 3Ps.

[James Acaster]

Look nice and easy to start. He's got some sparkling water. Okay.

[Jen Brister]

I like sparkling water.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Jen Brister]

We're on to a great start. Great. Okay.

[James Acaster]

I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling.

[Jen Brister]

I think I chose sparkling water, so that's good. And also I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

You chose bread?

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, there was bread. There was bread or something else.

[James Acaster]

I could choose pomodoms. But we were. We were appalled that you chose.

[Jen Brister]

That you chose. Yeah, you said you. You, James, you in particular. Like, I ate bread. I gave up bread ages ago. Bread's for losers. And I was like, yeah, who eats bread anymore? I was like, I do.

[Ed Gamble]

I love bread. It doesn't feel like we would have said that.

[Jen Brister]

It doesn't feel like you would have said that.

[James Acaster]

I didn't say that. I eat bread all the time.

[Jen Brister]

Good, good.

[James Acaster]

I love it.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

Everything Jen said you said, I said, who's eating bread?

[Jen Brister]

Bs.

[James Acaster]

Maybe I did. Maybe I did. For a laugh did you get.

[Ed Gamble]

Because James does give things up quite a lot.

[Jen Brister]

I think you'd given up bread at the time.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe you. Maybe you've given up bread.

[Jen Brister]

Something about gluten free. You were bread free.

[James Acaster]

Maybe.

[Jen Brister]

And I turned up saying, I love bread, and you were appalled.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I've changed, I guess.

[Jen Brister]

Have you?

[Ed Gamble]

Are you.

[Jen Brister]

Which bread are you into?

[James Acaster]

All of them. Yeah, I love them. I love bread. You know, I'm not eating it all the time, but, like, pretty regularly.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Had some nice bread yesterday. I had some sourdough focaccia yesterday.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, amazing.

[James Acaster]

Delicious.

[Jen Brister]

With some olive oil bread and that butter with. And sometimes they put salt on top of the butter. What's that about?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, delicious.

[Jen Brister]

Incredible.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, it needs it. I mean, you know, the more salt, the better. I say.

[Jen Brister]

That's what I say.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, I had some bread at the weekend.

[Jen Brister]

What kind?

[Ed Gamble]

Gail's sourdough.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

And for the starter, I made toasted sourdough with bone marrow. Did bone marrow in the oven with the shallot and parsley salad. St. John's style.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I forgot to ask you how that went.

[Ed Gamble]

That was really good. You've.

[Jen Brister]

You've. You're full gourmet now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was full gourmet. That was a rare gourmet.

[Jen Brister]

You are. That's quite. I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not doing that every week, Joe.

[James Acaster]

Where he got it from? He got it from a butcher's that he likes. And it's because he. He watched the finale of Severance and he was so, like, he had so much adrenaline afterwards just pinging around in his body and so much energy that he walked two hours to the butcher's. And then he decided, when he was at the butchers, he decided to buy some meat so he could have.

[Ed Gamble]

My favorite butcher's is two hours walk from my house. So quite often when I go there, I'll go. I'm just going to walk to the butcher's because it makes me feel like I'm in Charles Dickens times.

[James Acaster]

Oh, didn't Know the Charles Dickens?

[Ed Gamble]

We're walking to the butchers in London on a nice day, you know, hello, everyone. Top of the morning. That is Waving at kids and stuff.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, why is it two hours away from. There's nothing closer. That is. And that is your.

[Ed Gamble]

There probably is something closer, but I've just decided I like that butcher's.

[Jen Brister]

Wow. Two hours is quite the schlep.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Jen Brister]

For some bone marrow. And then two hours back, four hour round trip. Okay, fair play.

[Ed Gamble]

I bought a steak as well. I bought a big Galician ribeye bone on the boat.

[Jen Brister]

What? I mean, this is fair. I don't think I have a butcher's near me where they do that. You can get sausages and you can get mints.

[Ed Gamble]

I think if you call them and ask for.

[Jen Brister]

For bone marrow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they definitely do. Because they'll have bones knocking around. They're a byproduct of what they do.

[Jen Brister]

Something to look forward to.

[James Acaster]

Is there anyone or anything. And don't just say no straight away.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

That you would walk two hours for, if you think about it.

[Jen Brister]

What, in terms of food?

[James Acaster]

No, just anyone or anything. Anyone in your life that you. You would walk two hours to see. If you're honest.

[Ed Gamble]

Say your kids, Jim.

[Jen Brister]

Well, obviously my children. Of course I'd walk two hours to see my family. I would walk two hours to see my brother.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

And I think there were certain friends of mine, I would make that effort.

[James Acaster]

Name the fence.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God. Name them. I'm not gonna name them because if I name them, they're gonna be like, well, why wasn't I named?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Come on.

[Jen Brister]

Okay. I'm going to see my friend Julia Westwood. That's her maiden name, not her married name, but that's how I always know her. And I'm seeing her tonight. And I would walk two hours to see her.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But you don't believe. You don't believe in her marriage.

[Jen Brister]

I don't. I don't acknowledge her wedding. I don't acknowledge Julia Marshall is her.

[Ed Gamble]

But I know.

[Jen Brister]

Who's Julia Westwood? You know, when you know someone from when you're little, that is their name. And whenever I say her name, it's always Julia Westwood. I never just say Julia. She is. I'm going to see Julia Westwood. How's Julia Westwood? Julia Westwood's great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Sometimes I still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name, which is my name. Spoiler.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. Of course.

[James Acaster]

I feel pathetic. I've still got my sister's maiden name.

[Jen Brister]

You haven't moved on, James.

[Ed Gamble]

You're such a loser.

[Jen Brister]

You're such a loser.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got your maiden.

[James Acaster]

That's really sad. I saw my sister's maiden day.

[Jen Brister]

Why don't you take your sister his married name?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah, I should do that. Really be a grown up, move on with my life instead. I've still got the name that she had when she was a little baby. Really embarrassing. Walking around calling myself James Aast.

[Jen Brister]

One day you will be a grownup. But today's not that day.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Oh, that is. That is disappointed, actually. Now I see it like that. Well, good, good news on the bread front. Joel did choose bread. He chose naan bread.

[Jen Brister]

Naan bread. Naan.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, not naan. I just did the awful. The, the white faux pas saying naan bread.

[Jen Brister]

You're just supposed to say naan.

[James Acaster]

No, no, I said bread bread, didn't I?

[Jen Brister]

Bread bread. Oh, yeah, of course. Naan. I like naan. What kind of naan? Just plain naan. Garlic.

[James Acaster]

Just said naan. I mean, he didn't seem to give a no. I imagine it was probably peshwari.

[Jen Brister]

It's probably the one with all my least favorite. Is that your favorite? Peshwari?

[Ed Gamble]

Let's rank the naans, for God's sake.

[James Acaster]

I think garlic naan is kind of.

[Jen Brister]

Garlic naan's neemera uno.

[Ed Gamble]

I think garlic naan is the one I'd always go for because it's got a little something extra. But it's not. It's accompanying the meal. It's not invading the meal.

[Jen Brister]

Exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

And it's got butter on it. That's great. It's a little bit salty. It's got the garlic on it. The peshwari naan, what's that? It's got.

[Ed Gamble]

Was it coconut sultana? Sometimes in there. I mean, I do like it. I will say with a very, very spicy tomato based curry, it does work. If it's like super spicy, it cuts through the spice quite nicely.

[James Acaster]

See, this is why I do this podcast with this guy. He knows stuff like that. I was about to say, my problem with Pitfall 9 is like, where do you even put it in a meal? Like, where do you have it? He knows.

[Jen Brister]

Ed knows.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's where I do it. But you know, different tastes for different.

[Jen Brister]

I don't know, for me, it's like, do I want a pudding with my tomato based curry? No.

[Ed Gamble]

No. Well, that's fair enough.

[Jen Brister]

It's like having one of those. What are those? Are they macaroons?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I don't want a macaroon with my.

[Ed Gamble]

Peshwarina is the equivalent of my jalfrezi.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. That is like sort of, you know, macaroone with a gel phrasing. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Keema naan is another option, which.

[Jen Brister]

Is that the meat one?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, mince meat one.

[Jen Brister]

But that one can be okay if it's got loads of chili in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

You had a really keemanam with mince and very, very, very spicy green chili. Oh, just get in there.

[James Acaster]

Yes. But also, like, I find that that one feels like a meal in and of itself.

[Jen Brister]

In and of itself. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So, like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic. I'd be garlic number one. Then keema, then peshwari, then the plain one last.

[Ed Gamble]

They do a cheese one some places.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Jen Brister]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

I'm pretty sure at Kismet in Edinburgh, they do it. They do a cheese.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, they do like a. Yeah, like a paneer one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, Kismet. Might do some kismet. Do some white.

[Jen Brister]

I'm okay with paneer.

[James Acaster]

You'd be okay with the paneer naan?

[Jen Brister]

You don't seem like you would be.

[James Acaster]

Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

Upend the table just for the listener. Because Benito will edit himself out. Joel said, yeah, originally, papadoms. But he thought he was saying naan.

[Jen Brister]

Right.

[James Acaster]

So in his head, he was.

[Jen Brister]

Papadom's a naan.

[James Acaster]

That's what he thought.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

He thought the papadoms are not were naan. So he was getting confused.

[Jen Brister]

But then he realized that papadoms weren't naan, and that's why he went for naan.

[Ed Gamble]

I think we probably had to tell.

[James Acaster]

Him my family was watching Mas Singer together.

[Jen Brister]

He's so good on that.

[James Acaster]

He's so good on it.

[Jen Brister]

He's amazing on it.

[James Acaster]

He's incredible on it. And my dad, who, you know, he's not the best at just keeping a thought in his head, just went. He's so strikingly attractive. Strikingly attractive man.

[Jen Brister]

He really is. He's very easy on the eye. And when he takes his top off, everyone's looking.

[Ed Gamble]

Everyone's looking. Of course. We're all having a look, aren't we?

[Jen Brister]

We can't help ourselves.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, we're looking.

[Jen Brister]

We're only human, of course. Am I right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We're not made out of stone.

[James Acaster]

He's chisel. He's been carved by Raphael.

[Ed Gamble]

The turtle.

[James Acaster]

Yes, the turtle. Joel's dream starter, which is what you're gonna have.

[Jen Brister]

Okay. All right, let's go.

[Ed Gamble]

This is where we really get.

[Jen Brister]

Okay, this is where we're gonna get into it.

[James Acaster]

But we're getting to the proper meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Because we've been fine. We've had sparkling water and none. And I'm really happy.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna tell you what he ordered. I'm also gonna tell you the reason why he ordered it.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Nachos. Because you never know how big they're gonna be.

[Jen Brister]

What are you talking about? Nachos. Because you never know how big they're gonna be. What does that even mean? So, what, you don't think they're gonna be a starter or a mate?

[James Acaster]

Well, he's ordered it for a starter, but, like, he's like, you never know how big the nachos are gonna be when you order them. And he likes the surprise of how. How much you get.

[Jen Brister]

So you might get too many nachos. And he's like, wow, this is great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Or you might not get enough nachos.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, no one's never had not enough nachos.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a very good point.

[Jen Brister]

I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I've thought, okay, there's never enough topping. Sure. Too many nachos, not enough cheese. Not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff, and then all this dry. I don't get nachos. Nachos are an abomination. They are abhorrent. And I would never order nachos if it was the last thing on the menu. I would not order nachos. Nachos is for children. Sure. My kids eat nachos. I am 50 years of age. Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top? I am an adult. Joel, you made a terrible decision. And if you're listening to this, shame on you.

[James Acaster]

He has. Too many people have been nice to him about this menu, so. It's good. It's good. I don't know if he said what he wanted on them. I mean, basically.

[Ed Gamble]

No, he did. He said chicken.

[James Acaster]

Chicken. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

The worst. The worst topping.

[Jen Brister]

Topping. You can put on nachos and it won't be nice. Chicken.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Jen Brister]

Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the. It's that squeezy, weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar. And that salsa. It's like. That's not salsa. What is this? And then the chicken. I don't even know. It's not even chicken.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Is it little bits of, like, shredded chicken on there, I guess. You know, with the watery salsa and the plastic cheese.

[Jen Brister]

Does Joel like food?

[James Acaster]

Well, you just draw your own conclusions as the menu progresses, really, If Joel likes food or not, I'm not eating nachos.

[Jen Brister]

So they've gone to one side.

[James Acaster]

You won't eat them. Are your kids with you? They can eat them.

[Jen Brister]

My kids can eat them, sure. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Maybe pictures.

[Jen Brister]

Chloe, my partner, she'll eat them. She loves nachos.

[James Acaster]

Oh, there you go.

[Jen Brister]

I know. I don't even know, like, how we got together. I'm like, this is unacceptable.

[Ed Gamble]

At what age do you think you stopped? Were you, like, now? I'm old enough now I can reject nachos.

[Jen Brister]

I don't think I ever liked nachos. I don't think, even as a kid, I was like, wow, these. I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably not that young, maybe like, 20 or something. And I was like, why are we eating this? What is this? I mean, it's fine. It's not a meal.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, I completely agree with whenever I get excited to order nachos if I've not had them in a long time. But then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited, and then you realize there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath, and it's impossible to manoeuvre. What you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you. So you can just dip each one.

[Jen Brister]

Yes. But also, the other thing I don't like about nachos, you're sharing nachos often, and everyone's double dipping.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

They're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in, and then they're having. What are you doing?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

This is. I'm not. You're never just eating watery salsa. You're eating watery salsa mixed in with your friend's spittle. And, you know, especially if you're eating.

[Ed Gamble]

Them with your kids. Right. They're little illness machines.

[Jen Brister]

Yes. With their little feral fingers.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I love all my nephews, but anytime something like that is on the table, I'm like, you go, I'm not sharing that with you.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, no, and you're right not to. We're all going to get Covid at the end of these nachos.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. These are Covid nachos.

[Ed Gamble]

This is pre Covid. This is Joel's nachos.

[James Acaster]

It's pre Covid. When he chose them. So that's a good question. That's a good question. Is now, are we giving you pre Covid nachos because that's when Joel chose it, or post Covid or is there the risks of COVID and everything?

[Jen Brister]

I'm going to say that these are probably post Covid nachos. I don't think the pre Covid nachos would have survived.

[Ed Gamble]

When restaurants came back, did they wait longer to bring, like, chain Mexican restaurants.

[Jen Brister]

Back because of the nachos?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. I think you probably find that Oaxaca's was closed for a lot longer than in Waccamamas.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They refused to take nachos off the menu.

[Jen Brister]

Like, we. We belong. Nachos belong on our menu. In fact, I don't even know if they have nachos on. They've got those posh nachos, haven't they?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I'm not sure they do nachos.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I'm sorry, but they're no better.

[Ed Gamble]

No. Wagamam was hit hard with the social distancing, though.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, that's true.

[Ed Gamble]

Because they fucking love to cram them in, don't they?

[Jen Brister]

They love it to be opposite, next door on top.

[James Acaster]

It was always gonna come back and bite them.

[Ed Gamble]

The way we work here is we will put you on top of this person.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Is that all right? You can just sit directly on them. They're absolutely fine. They'll be leaving in five.

[James Acaster]

So you haven't eaten the nachos. Fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

You've not even picked at them.

[Jen Brister]

What's. Did we talk about the topping? You said chicken.

[James Acaster]

Chicken and cheese. And.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, because he's not specified. I mean, there's obviously going to be cheese on that chicken.

[James Acaster]

Oh, guacamole.

[Jen Brister]

There's some guacamole on there.

[James Acaster]

Made in Mexico properly. Because that was one of his nice memories.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, okay. So decent guacamole.

[James Acaster]

Being in Mexico with niche and being. And having some guacamole made fresh for them and it being incredible.

[Jen Brister]

Okay, well, fresh made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip.

[Ed Gamble]

It goes lovely with chicken nachos.

[Jen Brister]

I've dubbed a lot. I've dodged the chicken and I've just headed for the guac.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Yeah. You've dipped the sour cream. Sour cream.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you thinking about the sour cream?

[Jen Brister]

Sour cream. Only if the. Only if the salsa's great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

If the salsa's great, you need a bit of sour cream. But if the salsa's. We don't need Sour cream.

[James Acaster]

He didn't specify if the salsa was good. He was guac focused.

[Jen Brister]

He was very guac focused.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Joel, we're gonna have to have words.

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[Jen Brister]

Wish I would stop.

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[Jen Brister]

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[James Acaster]

The main course. This is Joel's dream main course.

[Jen Brister]

Okay. This is gonna be meat heavy, I bet.

[James Acaster]

Chips, beans, sausages and cheese.

[Jen Brister]

Get the out chips. He can have any meal. He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage and cheese. What the fuck is wrong with Joel?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you're having it as well, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

So I don't want chips in the canteen at school.

[James Acaster]

That's why I wanted it. It reminds him of the canteen at school.

[Jen Brister]

He wanted chips because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

[Ed Gamble]

I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people.

[Jen Brister]

I think he did. I mean, I don't have like horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories. And I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Chips, cheese and beans because. And you had that because literally everything else was inedible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

They sometimes do like a breaded chicken thing or they do fish and chips and the fish was like, you Know, like entirely batter. And then you'd look, there'd be zero fish in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you ever have the rib? Do you remember the rib?

[Jen Brister]

What was the rib? Definitely did not have the rib.

[James Acaster]

Didn't have a rib at mine.

[Ed Gamble]

No. It was like reconstituted meat, pressed. It was like a patty, but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib. Cause it had, like different segments going along it covered in, like really sweet barbecue sauce. Do you remember it?

[Jen Brister]

No, no, I remember that, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bad stuff.

[Jen Brister]

I don't think we had anything as posh as that. I mean, we literally had.

[Ed Gamble]

It was not posh, Jen. I must stress. It was not posh at all.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, you went to posh school. That was posh. That's posh.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, because it was at a posh school.

[Jen Brister]

It was posh.

[James Acaster]

Well, we didn't have it at our schools. Got bad news. It's disgusting. Yeah, but. But you got the good stuff. You didn't even know how lucky you were.

[Jen Brister]

You had something that resembled a rib. Yeah, we didn't even know what ribs were. We were like, what?

[James Acaster]

We were getting ribs.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I remember actually, when we'd finished, we used to send the packaging off to your school to eat and.

[Jen Brister]

Which we used to deep fry and have with chip chees and beans.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we loved it. Thank you. We thank you for that package.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You dip in your rib, in your quail's egg. So your school canteen, those, that was your go to, was it?

[Jen Brister]

So what was, Joel, was chips, was it?

[James Acaster]

Sausage, beans, sausages and cheese?

[Jen Brister]

I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school. No way.

[James Acaster]

So you wouldn't have eaten?

[Jen Brister]

No, God, no. No way. I would have had chips.

[Ed Gamble]

Even as a kid, you're going, I don't trust those sausages.

[Jen Brister]

No. You have to remember, I had a Spanish mum. So we had like, like, our food was nice. So I, I didn't really like processed crap. I wasn't. I mean, I was like, this doesn't. Why is this sausage white?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sure.

[Jen Brister]

Why are we eating white sausages? Bizarre chip cheese and beans. I would never have touched the sausages. The fact that he's chosen sausages, I'm absolutely livid about. I, I, I, I, I'm so disappointed. I'm. What am I drinking with this horrible meal?

[James Acaster]

We'll get there, we'll get there, we'll get there. Got sparkling water. That's there. You got that for the whole thing. But you've also got. He's got, he's got a drink later. Don't worry.

[Ed Gamble]

So were you going. So you were having.

[Jen Brister]

Are we having posh chips, cheese?

[James Acaster]

This was the school canteen.

[Ed Gamble]

It's exactly what you said, the school canteen stuff.

[Jen Brister]

I can't believe you changed this many chips, cheese and beans with naan bread.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nachos. And nachos.

[Jen Brister]

This is like the worst menu that ever.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, famously.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, famously the worst.

[James Acaster]

Well, we can admit that now. People still to this day. Joel did this in our first year, which is 2018. Still to this day, people shout at him in the street for this menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I'm not surprised.

[James Acaster]

He gets abuse shouted at him for it.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, he should.

[Ed Gamble]

And he's like a legit. He's a legit celebrity now and people still remember this.

[James Acaster]

He's moved on since he did this episode. He's now, like hosting huge TV shows. Everyone loves Joel Taylist, a celeb. Still gets abuse about this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

As he should. I hope it follows him to the grave.

[Ed Gamble]

So when you're at school, you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Then what? You were obviously looking forward to what you were gonna get when you got home.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of stuff were you getting, getting at home?

[Jen Brister]

Well, my mum used to cook, like, really? I mean, sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers. We were like. But, you know, we would get calamari or we would get like. My mum would make homemade albondigas or she would make croquetas or she would make, you know, on a very special occasion it would be paella. That would be like one of our birthdays or she would just make like a Thai curry or, you know, she.

[James Acaster]

Was cooking good food.

[Jen Brister]

We come home, I always look forward to dinner because I knew it was going to be great. So this is chips, cheese and beans, man. Not good.

[James Acaster]

It's not ideal, I guess.

[Jen Brister]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, my mum was a good cook as well and is a good cook, but I just used. I used to eat so much crap. Like, I'd eat my packed lunch at morning break and then sneak into main lunch.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap, like from the. As soon as I got, you know. Did you have a tuck shop?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Flavor. That's what it's called.

[Jen Brister]

Your touch up was called Flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

It had a name.

[James Acaster]

L A V A Flavor. Like the Peter Andre song. It was named after Flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

Flavor.

[Jen Brister]

Was that what it's named?

[James Acaster]

No, it's named after the Peter Andre song. I wish you didn't know Flavor Flavors at Montague school but we knew that Peter Andre was cool at six pack. If we wanted a six pack you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff like that. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Did your tuck shop have a name at school?

[Jen Brister]

If it did, I do not remember it. An all girls Catholic school, it probably called tuck shop and I don't remember who was selling stuff at the tuck shop. Must have been a student.

[James Acaster]

Cameron.

[Jen Brister]

Is that someone from school?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Cameron started it. It was part of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Started by a student?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, it was part of one of it was in one of his lessons. I can't remember what one was but his project that he wanted to do was start a tuck shop. So everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class for that lesson and he was like, no, I'm gonna start it at break time properly and call it flavour. This guy's a CEO, he's got to be a billionaire. He might be listening. So I did bump into him once.

[Jen Brister]

I mean he's like, he's bezosing it somewhere.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, he's gotta be. He's doing good.

[Ed Gamble]

He's the Kettering of Bezos. I was excited when I was at school because there was the tuck shop but then when you went to sixth form it was a different. It was sixth form common room and it was a different little tuck shop.

[Jen Brister]

Ooh, what'd you get? Different.

[Ed Gamble]

And that tuck shop shop did microwave pizzas.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Jen Brister]

What? What an experience to have microwaved dough. Chicago town microwave pizzas, microwaved burgers.

[James Acaster]

Chicago town pizzas in the school touch.

[Ed Gamble]

Shop to this day. How big were they in Chicago Town? Like personal sized pizzas like that maybe. And then you open the box and then you turn the lid up and put the pizza on top of the box and then microwave it.

[Jen Brister]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Boiling hot. Hot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So sweet. Like eating cake with tomato on it.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. And that's the kind of cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, big time. Like napalm. Horrible.

[James Acaster]

Completely strips.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. Like those. What were they? What did they used to have? I tell you what, something I was fascinated by because I went around to a friend's house and they had them were crispy finders. Crispy pancakes. Because I. We didn't have that sort of stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

We didn't have that either.

[Jen Brister]

That was wild to me. That bright orange crusty thing filled with lava.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

It was molten lava, right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

You couldn't put it in your mouth.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Never had that in our house. That sort of stuff. And always so exciting to see it in Someone else's house.

[Jen Brister]

So exciting to see it. So actually, I lied, actually, when I saw that, some processed stuff, I was like, what is this?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Incredible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Same with Pop Tarts. We never had Pop Tarts.

[Jen Brister]

We never had Pop Tarts. I really wanted them so bad.

[James Acaster]

I asked for them all the time.

[Jen Brister]

Me, too. It's like just the strawberry ones.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

And then did you have one? And I remember having one going, yeah, so sweet.

[James Acaster]

Because it was too late when I had one. I had one, like, when I was probably, like, 42. Yeah. And I was like, here we go. They can't stop me now. What the fuck?

[Jen Brister]

I wish they had.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Horrible. Well, look, you've had some of that. You've had the chips, beans and cheese. Have you? Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Hungry. I've had some of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you mixing it all up?

[Jen Brister]

I'm mixing the cheese in with the beans, yeah. And then probably. Yeah, probably sticking the chips in there with the beans as well, making them soggy.

[James Acaster]

Okay, well, the side dish might genuinely. I think this might turn things around a little bit.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Sweet potato fries.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, no, I don't like sweet potato fries. I don't like sweet potato.

[James Acaster]

They're a nice accompaniment to chips.

[Jen Brister]

I can't believe the accompaniment to chips, cheese, sausage and beans is chips. I mean.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to know one of Joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries and chips?

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, please, let's hear that.

[Ed Gamble]

Because he wanted to. Because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy, and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same. He wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other.

[Jen Brister]

And how was he making that point?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, just by having both of them.

[Jen Brister]

By having both of them. How is he demonstrating that they were.

[Ed Gamble]

I think he used the podcast as a platform to.

[Jen Brister]

To really promote this kind of. It's important to have strong feelings.

[James Acaster]

Gotta use your platform wisely.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, use it wisely. If you're going to be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Sweet potato fries are still bad for you. I. I don't like. I would never order sweet potato fries. I don't. I don't like them.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

What is it about them that you.

[James Acaster]

Don'T like in Brighton, though? They're put. They're on all the menus in Brighton.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Jen, you live in Brighton.

[Jen Brister]

I do live in Brighton.

[Ed Gamble]

When you like sweet potato fries, that.

[James Acaster]

The origin of sweet potato fries, probably.

[Jen Brister]

There's a lot of stuff in Brighton. This. And sweet potato fries is one of them.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to list some other stuff?

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I don't. I mean, like, we've got enough sourdough.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

We don't need anymore.

[James Acaster]

I. I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stags and hens.

[Jen Brister]

We really do.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

They can eat the sweet potato fries.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, they do.

[Jen Brister]

They do. With their WKD cocktails.

[James Acaster]

They love it.

[Jen Brister]

They do love a blue cocktail.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

With a penis straw. James, you'll be pleased to know.

[James Acaster]

I am pleased to know that.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm pleased to know that we're still going.

[Jen Brister]

You think penis straws ended in the 80s or the 90s? Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore.

[James Acaster]

He's got loads.

[Jen Brister]

How many penis straws have you got?

[Ed Gamble]

48.

[Jen Brister]

How come?

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my. Well, two tours ago in my upcoming special, but during COVID I threw a hen party for my wife life. So just me and her and I. You can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot.

[Jen Brister]

Right. So you used to.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Use two, but didn't want to throw them out, really, the rest of them, because it's really bad for the environment. They're not recyclable penis straws. So now we've got a big drawer full of them. And in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

There's probably loads of uses for these penis straws.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, snorkels, obviously, for plants. You can use chopsticks.

[Ed Gamble]

Chopsticks. That's a good idea, actually.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cock sticks.

[Jen Brister]

Cock sticks. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

She's a reviewer. She's a comedy reviewer. Isn't she? Old cock sticks, Kate.

[Jen Brister]

Cocksticks Kate. Cock sticks. Yeah. She's absolutely dynamite.

[Ed Gamble]

If you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks, are you going bellend in the noodles or bellend poking up at you?

[Jen Brister]

Oh, that's a really good question. I think I'm gonna use the bellend to grip.

[Ed Gamble]

To grip.

[Jen Brister]

I'm gonna be gripping onto the bellons and using the other bits for. To pick up my various things.

[James Acaster]

That's what I do.

[Jen Brister]

To pick up my chips, cheese and fucking beans and my naan bread with my penis straw fucking chopsticks. Jesus.

[Ed Gamble]

Just. You're enjoying the riff. And then you remembered what the menu is.

[Jen Brister]

And then I remembered the menu.

[James Acaster]

You would awake in hell. Also, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos followed by chips, followed by sweet potato fries.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's nice.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. That's actually quite rare.

[James Acaster]

It's quite nice.

[Jen Brister]

It's unique, definitely. And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sure.

[Ed Gamble]

It reads like the entire menu at a student union.

[Jen Brister]

It really does. It. Like, I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavor.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I'm still really intrigued. So I've got. I've got sparkling water. I've got naan bread. I've got chickeny nacho. I've got chips, cheese, beans and sausage.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

What am I doing?

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[Jen Brister]

What's what?

[Ed Gamble]

Don't forget sweet potatoes.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side. Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

So all of this, your kids eating those as well?

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, my kids can have all of those. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

So far they've eaten the meal, made my children. They're full.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I need a drink. I need something.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

What do you want?

[Jen Brister]

Just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine?

[James Acaster]

It's not wine. No.

[Jen Brister]

It's not Guinness, is it?

[James Acaster]

It's not Guinness. Okay. No, it's not Guinness, No.

[Jen Brister]

A lager?

[James Acaster]

It's not a lager, no.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God. Is it something like a pina colada? What is it?

[James Acaster]

No. Joel Domit's dream drink. And this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake.

[Jen Brister]

So. Okay. Oh, my God. I knew. What? I didn't I say. I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it'd be protein heavy with actual.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, food stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Not food. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Okay. Oh, my God. This is absolutely. But what flavor is it?

[Ed Gamble]

I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes the strawberry one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Strawberry. That's like the worst flavor. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. Milkshake. No. Who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milkshake. Strawberry jam. They're all the worst. Strawberries. The worst flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

He loves it. It's his favorite drink.

[James Acaster]

His favorite drink.

[Jen Brister]

Strawberry protein shake.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's his favorites.

[Jen Brister]

So I'm never like. I'm. I'm. I'm hungry.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Ed Gamble]

That'll fill you up, though. Lovely protein.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, that will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Really sad, maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you enjoy a protein shake now?

[Jen Brister]

No, of course not. Why would I be drinking a protein shake?

[James Acaster]

So I said you wanted a drink a minute ago.

[Jen Brister]

No, I do. Something decent, like a nice glass of wine. That's What I want, I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal.

[James Acaster]

But protein shakes like gin, wine.

[Jen Brister]

Oh my God. And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Very sweet and thick.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. Are they thick?

[Ed Gamble]

Depends how many scoops you put in.

[Jen Brister]

Of the protein powder. I mean, this is for Joel, right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

So this is gonna be one thick protein shake.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake.

[Jen Brister]

It's gonna be gross. Oh, my God. Protein shake with. With a. With potato fries.

[James Acaster]

And dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. But you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal?

[Ed Gamble]

God, no.

[Jen Brister]

No.

[James Acaster]

Or you dream. It's not your dream drink.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not my dream drink.

[Jen Brister]

You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up. So I'm gonna have a protein shake. Right? Is that right?

[Ed Gamble]

Sometimes I mix the powder in with the odd. It.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, Jesus.

[James Acaster]

Jesus Christ.

[Jen Brister]

That really just sounds revolting. Yeah, I don't really like dairy based drinks. Is it dairy based?

[Ed Gamble]

There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there probably. I guess to make it foamy when you shake it up.

[Jen Brister]

Just what every lesbian wants. Okay. Some foamy, dairy based, claggy drink sticking to my gums.

[James Acaster]

We'll give you a penis straw for it.

[Jen Brister]

Actually, that makes it much better.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, well, take a long time to get that.

[Jen Brister]

That's gonna take a while. Yeah, I have to be sucking that. Yeah, sucking that penis straw hard.

[Ed Gamble]

Because as someone who has penis straws, the aperture, the aperture at the top is actually quite small. Quite small.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

That's the sight to behold, isn't it? That's just me chowing down on a penis straw trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

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[James Acaster]

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[Jen Brister]

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[James Acaster]

It's third down.

[Advertiser]

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[Jen Brister]

I'd love to know what the dessert is, James.

[James Acaster]

Sure. I mean, it's quite a nice bridge, actually, to the dessert. I think. The protein shake. Yeah. To his credit, he's fought about it. He's got, like, those nachos and the chips and the potato fries and that's a nice, like, thematic meal. And then the bridge, he's got the protein shakes. A little bridge to the dessert. It's a strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. No, I thought you'd like this one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I thought.

[James Acaster]

This is like a nice.

[Jen Brister]

I told you how I feel about strawberry. Yeah, and I don't like white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection. And I don't particularly like cheesecake, so. You have given me possibly the worst pudding.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought you changed your mind.

[Jen Brister]

I've gone 180. I rhymed. I've gone 180 and now I'm 180 again. I'm 360'd no, I'm livid. This is the most revolution.

[Ed Gamble]

This is cheesecake.

[Jen Brister]

The kids have got to have the cheesecake.

[Ed Gamble]

Really, it's cheesecake, Jen, you love cheese.

[James Acaster]

You love cheese.

[Jen Brister]

Yes, but I don't like strawberry. White chocolate cheesecake. No, I wouldn't eat it.

[Ed Gamble]

Your kid's gonna throw up in the.

[James Acaster]

Car on the way home.

[Jen Brister]

That's really sick. They're sharing it. There's two of them. It's fine.

[James Acaster]

Have you let the kids have the protein shake?

[Jen Brister]

No, they're not having that. That will really make them sick. The protein shake's in the bin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's going in there.

[Jen Brister]

I had one go on the penis straw. It wasn't working. I binned it.

[James Acaster]

It. It's gone.

[Jen Brister]

It's gone for good. And I'm sorry to say I didn't even think about the recycling. The penis draw's gone with it, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, no, it's all right.

[Jen Brister]

You're one down.

[Ed Gamble]

That's all right.

[Jen Brister]

You've got only four.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll go and find that Penis in the bin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. The protein shake is the thing that he's got the most amount of grief for since. Yeah, since the podcast.

[Jen Brister]

Yes, of course. What do people shout at him?

[James Acaster]

Protein shake. Wanker and prick.

[Ed Gamble]

Shit. Menu Domit. That sort of stuff.

[Jen Brister]

Menu Domit. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

That's gone on for, what, like, five years? Whatever. It's been. How many? It's longer than that. Seven years.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, seven years. Netflix tweeted about it. Yeah, Netflix tweeted about. Yeah, someone. I. I did a tweet about watching. I'd watched the True Crime series and I was like, does anyone watch this is absolutely nuts? And Netflix replied, saying, not as nuts as someone choosing a protein shake as their dream drink. I was like, well, made it to Netflix hq.

[Jen Brister]

Wow, that's quite something.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you remember when Twitter was just, like, really fun stuff? This show's nuts.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. They're able to have a bit of a laugh.

[Jen Brister]

I disagree with you. I quite enjoyed it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Now it's like, go yourself, you piece of. And by the way, your mum's a prick and that. You. You've killed your dog.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, by the way. By the way, I've killed your dog.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's not called Twitter anymore. Yeah, Sounds like something. The X is like a proper evil. Like a Darth Vader name.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's not a nice place, this.

[Jen Brister]

This.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm not on it anymore.

[Advertiser]

I'm not.

[James Acaster]

I'm not on it.

[Jen Brister]

I'm off it. You're not on anything. You're off everything.

[James Acaster]

I'm off everything. Well done, YouTube.

[Jen Brister]

How does that respect?

[James Acaster]

Lovely. Love YouTube.

[Jen Brister]

Do you have the comments on or off of YouTube?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I don't watch. I don't really. Sometimes I scroll down to the comments, but it's not stuff about me. Yeah. I'm just watching other videos and then sometimes I'm like. If I really, like, someone's really annoying me.

[Ed Gamble]

James is not saying he has an account on YouTube that he posts to.

[Jen Brister]

Own things on YouTube.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, no, I just watch. I. I'm a watch. I'm a fan. Bonito would like to point out something with the cheesecake. Oh, yeah. So this is the cheesecake that Joel had when he came up the jungle. It was his dream thing to have and they gave it to him and he ate it really quickly and then it made him be sick. He vomited.

[Ed Gamble]

He vomited this cheesecake.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, But. But he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it. He vomited because he had.

[Ed Gamble]

He enjoyed it too much. Yeah, yeah. His Stomach was not used to taking dairy.

[Jen Brister]

Right. All of that dairy cream. Heavy stuff. Right. But he probably. But he enjoyed it, didn't he?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And I think there was a good comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God. This is. This says so much that he enjoyed the. The cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down, because.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavours coming out.

[Jen Brister]

Great, great, great. Did he. Did he think maybe have another go?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Should have done.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Maybe like a dog bit. Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

And then straight back down again.

[James Acaster]

Straight back.

[Ed Gamble]

A little doggy.

[James Acaster]

I mean, something to. I've. You know, next time I see him. I know Joel pretty well and his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows. They've known each other since they were very little, and they have the kind of relationship where if one of them said to the other, dare you to do that. They're still at their age now. Do it. If. If Steve was with him when he puked at the cheesecake again, if Steve said to him. Because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice, actually, on the way up. And Steve would say to him, eat it again.

[Ed Gamble]

He would do it.

[James Acaster]

Joel would do it.

[Jen Brister]

So you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had.

[James Acaster]

He would have done it back in his mouth. I'm pretty sure. I'm not telling tales outside of school there. And Joel would agree that if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it. What's. What's the difference?

[Jen Brister]

I really need to speak to Joel's wife. I think we need to go out for a drink. Maybe she needs to decompress. Maybe there's something that needs to come up. Not literally.

[James Acaster]

Not literally.

[Ed Gamble]

No. We've been through that already.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. Jesus. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Would you go in the jungle?

[Jen Brister]

No. Can you imagine me in the jungle?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I love it.

[Jen Brister]

You'd love it.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd be watching every app I know.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, I'd have a breakdown. Day one. Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something? Would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end?

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage. It used to be anyone. It could be people who are famously nice. And I think you'd Lose it day one. Like, you'd been in there for two and a half weeks.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I wouldn't make it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

And I think that Joel was perfect for the.

[Ed Gamble]

He was.

[Jen Brister]

Because he's such a nice bloke. He's just a nice man. There's no edge to him. He's lovely.

[James Acaster]

He's the best in everyone.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. He's kind. He's like. Yeah. You know, and he'll try to make the best of every situation.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Not this lesbian.

[James Acaster]

Imagine, like, you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian T shirts. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I don't think they'd be. I don't think they'd be fans. By the end of it, by the game, they were like. Like, that woman's unhinged. I used to like her, but now that I've discovered what she's really like.

[Ed Gamble]

What a catchphrase. Not this lesbian.

[James Acaster]

Not this lesbian.

[Jen Brister]

Hey, I think that's a T shirt. I think that, as merch goes, that could work. Right?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's a good tour name.

[Jen Brister]

Not this Lesbian.

[James Acaster]

The next tour.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Something to think about.

[James Acaster]

I think that's a good one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

James, am I going to have to TM you? Are you. Am I going to have to, like, give you 10 or something?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm afraid so.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

Well, because you said it, that I told you to have it. You came up with it.

[Ed Gamble]

You came up with it.

[James Acaster]

I told you to have it as your tour title.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, let's go down to five, then.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Just good negotiation.

[Ed Gamble]

You can imagine you get, like, at the end of every joke, getting to it in the whole crowd, being like, not this lesbian.

[James Acaster]

That's good.

[Ed Gamble]

The problem is, if you sell it as T shirts, you'll get some straight money. Think they're funny buying the T shirt as well, right?

[Jen Brister]

I don't care. I'm making a profit from them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I got your money.

[James Acaster]

I got your money because that's on the back.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You sell it to the straight man. Yeah. Give them one of the ones that say on the back.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

It's got, like a weird transfer and it, like, it picks out the heat that only comes from a man. The pheromones from a man's body. And it's like, I got your money on the back. But not for nothing, I think I'm.

[James Acaster]

Sure that you've been offered the jungle. I mean, you know, you should probably do it.

[Jen Brister]

I reckon you'd be great on it, James. One, I haven't been offered it. And two, if I had. If I ever was. No, I don't think there's many.

[Ed Gamble]

James is such a little shit as well, because he'd never do it.

[Jen Brister]

You would never do it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I keep asking them to and.

[Jen Brister]

They say no bullshit. Okay. If there was one of those kind of shows, which one would you do?

[James Acaster]

Well, if I had to do one.

[Jen Brister]

You have to. There is no choice.

[James Acaster]

Question to the table. Everyone's got to think.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

What their answer is.

[Ed Gamble]

List them, though. List them.

[Jen Brister]

Okay, so you've got things like. Okay, yeah, Strictly, obviously, the jungle. What are the other ones people do? I mean, dancing.

[James Acaster]

Dancing on ice, of course.

[Jen Brister]

All right, let's say those three.

[Ed Gamble]

SAS. The SAS one.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God. SAS. Yes. Jesus. The absolute. What?

[Ed Gamble]

Celebrity traitors.

[Jen Brister]

No.

[James Acaster]

70 traits.

[Jen Brister]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I'd do tracers.

[Jen Brister]

You do traitors?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't do traces because I host the extra show.

[Jen Brister]

I can't do traces. Okay, so you do traitors.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, but that's. But you've given me an easy out there, because that's a. That's a fun one. The. The other ones. Strictly looks one of the most stressful things ever. I definitely have a breakdown on Strictly. I'll definitely break down in the jungle. I think I would do. And I'm not gonna do it if.

[Ed Gamble]

They'Re listening, which they definitely will be. They'll find out about this.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, they're gonna find out.

[James Acaster]

But I would do the ice skating. 1. To learn to ice skate.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my God.

[Jen Brister]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Just to learn to ice skate.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, no. That is.

[Ed Gamble]

I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day.

[Jen Brister]

What about. Oh, my God, I really want you to do it now. You have to do it, James.

[James Acaster]

The ice skating one. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Because I think, you know what? You've got the physique. Who was that guy? Torville Dean. Those guys?

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Jen Brister]

You look like the Dean guy, Chris.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Jen Brister]

Because of your physique. Long legs.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But I can imagine him also trying to balance on the ice, like one of those things outside the car.

[James Acaster]

Actually, I went on a first date once, ice skating with someone when I was, like, in my late teens in Kettering. Yeah, in Kettering. Went to the ice skating and I never really ice skated before. And she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining.

[Jen Brister]

I mean, I. 100. I don't think anything's changed?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Can you skate now?

[James Acaster]

No, I've not been again, really since then.

[Jen Brister]

I imagine ice skating and skiing. Terrible.

[Ed Gamble]

They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they? Celebrity ski jump.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Didn't Marcus Brigstock do that and broke his leg? They just want to kill us TV production companies. So, like, what way can we. Like, I'd do the SAS one, but.

[Ed Gamble]

I definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first 10 minutes.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I think that sounds horrendous. I wouldn't do the sas. I definitely wouldn't do the Skating On Ice. I would definitely do Traitors. And I would probably try Strictly. I would never get asked. You will go, but I wouldn't.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. I don't think Strictly.

[Jen Brister]

I don't think. I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They definitely ask you to do Strictly. I reckon you're gonna do Strictly.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, just imagine at the end of, like, a dance, just you being, like, spun round on the floor and then you'd land in this position with your head in your hand. You write down the camera and you go, not this lesbian.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Tens from the judges.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Tens all round.

[James Acaster]

Do you watch Strictly? Do you know who you would like as your dance partner?

[Jen Brister]

I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner. Oh, I tell you who I'd like. Yes. I like that. The tall South African guy.

[James Acaster]

Jojo.

[Ed Gamble]

Jojo.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, yeah, I have him.

[James Acaster]

He's been. He's sat in that seat.

[Jen Brister]

He's delightful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Also, I feel very safe in his hands. He's very strong and I think he would be able to lift up my weight.

[James Acaster]

My mum went to see him in kinky Boots. I bet he was amazing in Milton Keynes. Said he was amazing. And apparently my sister had to talk my mom out of bringing a sign that said, james Acaster says hello. Which I did not tell her to do.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, it was the wrestling.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I was like, james, a musical.

[Jen Brister]

I love it. Maybe you could have come up with one of those horns as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

A vivizela. Well, he's from a vivizelo.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He would have loved that.

[James Acaster]

He would have loved it.

[Jen Brister]

He would have loved it. It's a shame that didn't happen, actually. Maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another performance, you know, musical.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Maybe we met him now, so.

[Ed Gamble]

It'D be even weirder.

[James Acaster]

Well, we met.

[Ed Gamble]

Why?

[Jen Brister]

It was weird.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we met him Then. And it was like. It made me feel. I was like, mom, if you had done that and he'd seen that and thought I'd sent you along to do that. I've met him, like, a couple of times now, but not well enough.

[Jen Brister]

I love that your mom thought that was a good idea. She sounds great.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, she's like. She's like, movement. Let me do it.

[Jen Brister]

Yes. Okay, Mum. Oh, gosh.

[James Acaster]

Thank God my sister was there with her with her new name. So you had sparkling water, you had naan, you had chicken nachos, chips, beans, sausage and cheese, sweet potato fries, a protein shake, and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah. It's awful. All of it. Terrible.

[Ed Gamble]

Most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin, right?

[Jen Brister]

It's in the bin or with my children. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry. Yeah, there's nothing left. I'm taking it. That's it.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you gonna get on the way home? So it's late now. The meal's finished. It's like 11pm Your options are limited. What you grabbing on the way home to fill your.

[Jen Brister]

Is that it?

[James Acaster]

That's the meal?

[Jen Brister]

That's it. There's nothing else? He hasn't had, like, a dessert wine or anything?

[James Acaster]

No, no, he just had protein shake for the whole.

[Ed Gamble]

What about that menu suggested dessert wine? We're suddenly gonna swing it back round and go, yeah, he's gonna have a 1992 Sauterne.

[Jen Brister]

I don't know why I said that. Oh, I thought he might have had an espresso. Yeah, that's a possibility. He could have had an espresso. That would have been fine. Okay. He didn't.

[James Acaster]

He didn't. I mean, there's a possibility that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place, but, like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there's nothing he does like.

[Jen Brister]

So we're done after pudding, there's nothing.

[James Acaster]

That's it. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, my God, you guys. This is a terrible situation.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what I'm saying. When you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill you up?

[Jen Brister]

Open kebab.

[Ed Gamble]

Kebab. Yeah.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I'll go. I'll go have a lambsheesh.

[James Acaster]

Is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lamb? Sheesh.

[Jen Brister]

They're all pretty grim. You can't go wrong with a lamb. Sheesh, though.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you gotta go. Sheesh.

[Jen Brister]

You gotta go. Sheesh. No, Donna, I've gone. Sheesh. And no chips. I don't need any more chips.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Jen Brister]

Extra salad, loads of chili sauce. Let's go.

[James Acaster]

When you. I mean, you're bound to bump into Joel again after this.

[Jen Brister]

Oh, I don't think for one second I'm not gonna get him in a headlock over this. This is absolutely shocking. I can't believe. Joel, if you're listening, you should be ashamed of yourself, for one, choosing this menu, and secondly, that I've had to eat it. How I hope you can sleep tonight.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I will say in Joel's slight defense.

[Jen Brister]

No, there is no defense.

[Ed Gamble]

If he did it the menu again, it would be different. Now he has told me he's got better taste.

[Jen Brister]

You've got to get him back on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we'll get him back on. Maybe we give him your menu.

[Jen Brister]

Yeah, I don't think he'll like my menu. I can't remember what I chose, but there's quite a lot of fish.

[Ed Gamble]

Wasn't there riddling fins? You went to riddling fins?

[Jen Brister]

Did I go there?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Brister]

I love it there.

[James Acaster]

He might not like the cheese board.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know. Yeah, good.

[Jen Brister]

Extra blue cheese on there for you, Joel Dommet.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, Jen, do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped?

[Jen Brister]

I think I bloody well did.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. He smashed it.

[Jen Brister]

I think you got exactly what you wanted. And you're welcome.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that was it. Didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one.

[Jen Brister]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant, Jen.

[Jen Brister]

It was surreal. I'd like to say it was a pleasure. I'm absolutely furious.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Jen.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what we'd hope. Well, she didn't enjoy that, James.

[James Acaster]

No, I'm. I mean, went quite bad. She apparently left Joel a voicemail.

[Ed Gamble]

Which voice message, Granddad?

[James Acaster]

Which we'll try and get hold of.

[Ed Gamble]

Voice note.

[James Acaster]

So we can play it maybe at the end of the.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe after the Granddad that's saying, that's me, Ned.

[James Acaster]

Maybe after the couple of granddadda. After the music. After the outro music, this podcast, if we can get hold of that and play it. Because she sent Joel, it's quite angry about it. Pretty angry message. Yeah. Pretty much as soon as she left the studio.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And Joel has messaged us and said, look what I've just got.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So like, maybe move their permission. We can play that at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Benita can pop that in at the end. Thank you, Benito. Don't forget, Jen is on tour with her new show Reactive. Go and check that out. And also go to allourrelations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible nonprofit. There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier for families in crisis in Gaza. So please go and have a look at that.

[James Acaster]

We got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to a bad. To a bad diner.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So suggestions to great Bonito.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, we've done it a couple of times where we've got good diners and given them bad menus.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So Jen and Bridget.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because we find them funny when they're angry.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's a laugh.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that is a laugh.

[James Acaster]

But if you could give Bonito your suggestions for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus, which bad menus. They should get that. You know that. He'll love that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he'll love that. Sign dropping board.

[James Acaster]

Obviously everyone who tweets him gets to sign.

[Ed Gamble]

Chopping board. I love that you're still on Twitter in your head, huh? Yeah, that's how tweets aren't really the thing anymore, man.

[James Acaster]

People don't do that anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

Writing letters written cover.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's back.

[James Acaster]

I do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you left that as well?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I left. It was bad for my head.

[Ed Gamble]

You're getting so many rude letters.

[James Acaster]

It's bad for my head, man. I could. I just kept on looking at the post every morning, searching through for any.

[Ed Gamble]

Mention of yourself in everyone's letters.

[James Acaster]

Every five seconds each day I went to the post box. Nothing there. Go again. It made me sad if there was nothing there. And then if there was something there, I thought, oh, no, look at it. Yeah, BLEEP me out. Even if it was nice, I feel feel dirty for having looked at it, you know?

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu as always. Bye bye.

[James Acaster]

Bye.

[Jen Brister]

Mate. I just did Off Menu. It's a new one where you have to eat somebody else's chosen menu. Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear I had to eat your abomination. I just can't believe that of all the food you could have chosen, you had nachos followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake. Are you out of your mind, Joel? It was a shocker. Every single time I went, okay, so what? At least.

[Ed Gamble]

What am I drinking?

[Jen Brister]

Tell me. I'm drinking something nice. Oh, a protein shake. Literally. Go fuck yourself. I mean, I'm still in shock. I can't believe it. I mean. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I didn't take it well. And it wasn't even me to eat it, that's how bad it was. I'm still reeling. Anyway, I hope you're well, mate.